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1
00:00:02,981 --> 00:00:06,550
So, uh, what are we doing?
Are we just jumping right into this, or--
2
00:00:06,585 --> 00:00:08,352
How are you assholes even here?
3
00:00:08,387 --> 00:00:09,753
[sighs]
We followed you.
4
00:00:09,788 --> 00:00:11,221
Duh.
Hmm!
5
00:00:11,256 --> 00:00:13,223
Looks like she's having
a rough night.
6
00:00:13,258 --> 00:00:15,591
Her? What about me?
Will you shut up?
7
00:00:15,626 --> 00:00:17,894
Will you stop
illustrating my point?
8
00:00:17,929 --> 00:00:20,796
So, is this the part where you tell
me it's not what it looks like?
9
00:00:20,832 --> 00:00:22,932
I don't know. What does it look like?
You tell me.
10
00:00:22,968 --> 00:00:26,602
It's... not what it looks like?
Which is...
11
00:00:26,637 --> 00:00:29,304
Murder, Figgis, you
insufferable little prick!
12
00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:32,341
It looks like murder!
Yeah, I guess it does, kind of.
13
00:00:32,377 --> 00:00:35,944
But it shows what you know, because
it's only accessory after the fact.
14
00:00:35,980 --> 00:00:38,013
[scoffs] We were
merely using this poor
15
00:00:38,048 --> 00:00:40,983
pre-deceased young woman to fake my death.
What?
16
00:00:41,018 --> 00:00:42,418
Why?
She's trying to get out
17
00:00:42,453 --> 00:00:44,753
of a quasi-incestuous
home-life situation.
18
00:00:44,788 --> 00:00:45,954
How quasi?
19
00:00:45,990 --> 00:00:47,756
[sighs]
Like, a four?
20
00:00:47,791 --> 00:00:49,758
Eh.
Put a ham in it, Poovey.
21
00:00:49,793 --> 00:00:51,493
What's your story, lady?
Who are you?
22
00:00:51,528 --> 00:00:53,495
Charlotte Vandertunt?
23
00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:56,631
Heiress to the vast
Vandertunt publishing fortune?
24
00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:59,001
- Really?
- Schmancy.
25
00:00:59,036 --> 00:01:02,637
Well, then, seeing as how that's the
case, are the keys in the Rolls?
26
00:01:02,672 --> 00:01:04,439
Yeah. They're--
Wait. Why?
27
00:01:04,474 --> 00:01:06,441
Because I'm going to drive it,
28
00:01:06,476 --> 00:01:09,043
and Sergeant Poovey is going
to drive you in my car.
29
00:01:09,078 --> 00:01:12,046
To jail. Because you're both
under arrest for murder.
30
00:01:12,081 --> 00:01:13,415
What?
Goddamn it.
31
00:01:13,450 --> 00:01:15,583
Poovey?
Huh? Oh.
32
00:01:15,619 --> 00:01:18,852
Now we'll see how you like getting
your tits screwed off for a change.
33
00:01:18,888 --> 00:01:20,922
[snickering]
Wh-- What?
34
00:01:20,957 --> 00:01:23,624
Remember? 'Cause you screwed
his wife's tits off.
35
00:01:23,659 --> 00:01:26,260
Damn it, Poovey!
What? Figuratively!
36
00:01:26,296 --> 00:01:28,462
Well, either way, I can
tell you right now I--
37
00:01:28,497 --> 00:01:31,966
Wait. Did you say "a change" or
just "change," as in spare change?
38
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:35,536
Huh! What change? They'll be passing
you around for half a pack of smokes.
39
00:01:35,571 --> 00:01:37,771
Pff! I'm worth
at least two packs.
40
00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,105
Pff!
You know.
41
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:42,509
And, Poovey,
book her as a Jane Doe.
42
00:01:42,545 --> 00:01:44,210
[gasps]
43
00:01:44,246 --> 00:01:45,512
A what?
44
00:01:45,548 --> 00:01:47,915
Oh, shit.
45
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,318
[theme]
46
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:24,535
- Synced and corrected by honeybunny -
- Re-synced by darthfrede - www.addic7ed.com
47
00:02:28,876 --> 00:02:30,709
[Archer] Well, at least
let me talk to her.
48
00:02:30,744 --> 00:02:32,611
[Poovey]
No. I told you, you can't.
49
00:02:32,647 --> 00:02:35,547
Little Miss Vanderpanties
is in solitary,
50
00:02:35,582 --> 00:02:38,316
down in the sub-basement.
Yeah. And why do you think that is?
51
00:02:38,351 --> 00:02:39,785
How the hell should I know?
52
00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:42,220
Wh-- Because you do!
No, I don't.
53
00:02:42,255 --> 00:02:44,622
Are you booking Charlotte
as a Jane Doe?
54
00:02:44,658 --> 00:02:46,124
He's gonna keep her
locked up here,
55
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,193
call her parents
posing as a kidnapper,
56
00:02:48,228 --> 00:02:50,996
and use the ransom money to
square things with Len Trexler
57
00:02:51,031 --> 00:02:53,198
for losing
his Chinese sex slaves!
58
00:02:53,233 --> 00:02:55,266
Oh. Thought you meant
besides that.
59
00:02:55,302 --> 00:02:59,170
The Chinese sex slaves, by
the way, that you let goooo!
60
00:02:59,206 --> 00:03:02,073
Keep your frickin' voice down.
[groans] Ow!
61
00:03:02,108 --> 00:03:04,909
And speaking of which,
where the hell are they?
62
00:03:04,944 --> 00:03:07,312
[gong bangs]
[chattering in Chinese]
63
00:03:09,215 --> 00:03:11,415
Your house?
Are you shitting me?
64
00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:14,919
Aw, I wouldn't shit you.
You're my favorite turd.
65
00:03:14,954 --> 00:03:16,486
But what are you gonna do
with them, Poovey?
66
00:03:16,522 --> 00:03:18,255
What's your long-term plan?
67
00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:21,225
[chattering continues]
[shouting in Chinese]
68
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:24,394
[groans] Like living with
a bunch of roosters.
69
00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:26,463
That's your plan?
Well, it's a plan.
70
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:29,132
I mean, obviously,
we'll put it to a vote, but--
71
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,568
Not after I tell Figgis--
[grunts] Ow!
72
00:03:31,604 --> 00:03:34,304
Don't be stupid. If you want me to
talk him out of this murder rap,
73
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:36,172
you'll keep
your damn piehole shut!
74
00:03:36,208 --> 00:03:38,609
Poovey. Poovey!
75
00:03:38,644 --> 00:03:40,944
I could actually go
for some pie.
76
00:03:40,979 --> 00:03:43,679
Come on! Come on!
Move your asses!
77
00:03:43,715 --> 00:03:47,117
Yeah, yeah, keep on bitching, if ya
want me to bust your heads open for ya.
78
00:03:47,152 --> 00:03:50,620
Hey, uh, could I order some pie?
Or have you singlehandedly
79
00:03:50,655 --> 00:03:53,456
depleted the global
strategic pie reserves?
80
00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:59,862
Whoo! Are you crazy?
You wanna get yourself killed?
81
00:03:59,897 --> 00:04:02,398
Oh, my God!
Is diabetes contagious?
82
00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:05,067
Hang on. Tsk.
I know you from Dreamland.
83
00:04:05,102 --> 00:04:07,069
Dreamland?
Do you know Lana Kane?
84
00:04:07,104 --> 00:04:08,904
We're her band, man.
I'm Floyd.
85
00:04:08,939 --> 00:04:10,906
This is Verl.
That's Cliff, and that's--
86
00:04:10,941 --> 00:04:12,975
Ray Gillette.
I'm kind of the bandleader.
87
00:04:13,010 --> 00:04:14,609
We didn't vote on that.
No, you're not.
88
00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,278
I'm Archer.
I'm a private eye,
89
00:04:16,313 --> 00:04:18,814
doing a little work
for your boss, Mother.
90
00:04:18,849 --> 00:04:20,315
So what are you in here for?
91
00:04:20,350 --> 00:04:22,151
Well, murder, but technically,
92
00:04:22,186 --> 00:04:23,886
it was just gross abuse
of a corpse.
93
00:04:23,921 --> 00:04:26,054
How about you guys?
What are you in for?
94
00:04:26,090 --> 00:04:28,523
Yeah, Ray.
What are we in here for?
95
00:04:28,558 --> 00:04:30,025
[inhaling sharply]
Okay. My turn.
96
00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:31,959
Okay. Hey, come on. Let me--
Hey, relax.
97
00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:34,362
Hold on. You're gonna get yours.
You'll get a turn, man.
98
00:04:34,398 --> 00:04:36,464
Can I please--
Ray, take it easy, man.
99
00:04:36,500 --> 00:04:41,303
Goddamn it! I insist you let me
share your marijuana cigarette!
100
00:04:41,338 --> 00:04:44,306
[muffled grunt, snort]
101
00:04:44,341 --> 00:04:47,074
Well, serves y'all right
for being so damn stingy.
102
00:04:47,110 --> 00:04:48,542
Serves who right?
"Whom."
103
00:04:48,577 --> 00:04:50,477
How is six years in jail right?
104
00:04:50,513 --> 00:04:53,181
Six years?
For one lousy goof-butt?
105
00:04:53,216 --> 00:04:56,517
[sighs]
It's our second offense.
106
00:04:56,552 --> 00:04:59,854
I am lovin'
this marijuana cigarette!
107
00:04:59,889 --> 00:05:02,256
[muffled grunt, snort]
108
00:05:02,292 --> 00:05:05,726
Or it will be, once they run our prints
and figure out we gave 'em fake names.
109
00:05:05,761 --> 00:05:09,763
Ha! Oh, man, was my
fake name not the best?
110
00:05:09,799 --> 00:05:11,765
I swear, I am such a pistol.
111
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:13,334
You're lucky
I don't have a pistol.
112
00:05:13,369 --> 00:05:15,703
Or even a belt.
Or even shoelaces.
113
00:05:15,738 --> 00:05:19,272
What if I told you I could get you
guys outta here, no charges filed?
114
00:05:19,308 --> 00:05:22,008
I need your help to do it, though.
To do what, exactly?
115
00:05:22,044 --> 00:05:23,643
Escape, obviously.
116
00:05:23,678 --> 00:05:26,012
What?
What do we have to do?
117
00:05:26,048 --> 00:05:29,382
Well, for starters, I'm gonna
need you to forgive me.
118
00:05:29,417 --> 00:05:31,952
Forgive you? For wh--
[vomiting]
119
00:05:31,987 --> 00:05:34,955
Damn, Ray! Really?
Ugh!
120
00:05:34,990 --> 00:05:36,956
Damn, man! Why the hell'd you do that?
[vomiting continues]
121
00:05:36,991 --> 00:05:40,360
Hey, guard, we got
a sick man in here!
122
00:05:40,395 --> 00:05:41,994
Aw, man, I'm gonna be sick too.
123
00:05:42,029 --> 00:05:44,230
No, you are not.
Well, I am.
124
00:05:44,265 --> 00:05:46,366
Guard!
You assholes!
125
00:05:46,401 --> 00:05:50,236
Whoever puked in my cell, I'm gonna
make ya mop it up and suck on the mop!
126
00:05:50,271 --> 00:05:51,838
[vomiting]
[groans]
127
00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:53,739
[vomiting] Oh, man! [vomiting]
128
00:05:53,774 --> 00:05:56,608
Goddamn it!
[chuckles] Seriously.
129
00:05:56,643 --> 00:05:59,511
- Oh, you think that's funny, you shit-heel?
- Oh, sorry.
130
00:05:59,546 --> 00:06:02,814
I'm just a sucker for physical comedy.
Case in point...
131
00:06:02,850 --> 00:06:04,783
[grunting]
132
00:06:04,818 --> 00:06:05,951
[chokes]
133
00:06:05,987 --> 00:06:07,452
Daaaamn!
134
00:06:07,488 --> 00:06:09,521
Remind me never
to rent you a mule.
135
00:06:09,556 --> 00:06:11,322
Why would I want to rent a mule?
136
00:06:11,358 --> 00:06:13,859
Maybe you're afraid of commitment.
So, listen.
137
00:06:13,894 --> 00:06:16,060
What do you think about our
chances of getting out of here?
138
00:06:16,096 --> 00:06:17,696
Hmm. I don't know.
139
00:06:17,731 --> 00:06:20,164
Four?
Out of... five?
140
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,734
[grunts]
Why not?
141
00:06:28,863 --> 00:06:31,530
[Mother] I'm sorry. I
must have misheard you.
142
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:34,794
Because it sounded like you said
you're not doing your second set.
143
00:06:34,866 --> 00:06:37,834
I don't have a band. They never
came back from their smoke break.
144
00:06:38,069 --> 00:06:41,837
Bet they got arrested again.
Idiots.
145
00:06:41,872 --> 00:06:44,273
What is it with you people
and reefer?
146
00:06:44,308 --> 00:06:47,676
Do you mean musicians or Negroes?
Pick one.
147
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:49,845
No, because I'm
going home now, so--
148
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:53,114
You most certainly are not. Get up
there and entertain those people.
149
00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:55,617
How? Do you want me
to do a striptease?
150
00:06:55,653 --> 00:06:57,452
Hmm.
That was a joke.
151
00:06:57,487 --> 00:06:59,087
Well, clearly.
[stammers]
152
00:06:59,122 --> 00:07:02,024
But I wonder. What if
we had a comedy night?
153
00:07:02,059 --> 00:07:05,027
Comedians, little routines...
154
00:07:05,062 --> 00:07:07,195
And where the hell
is the bartender?
155
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:09,931
[woman]
Excuse me. Excuse me.
156
00:07:09,966 --> 00:07:13,101
Excuse me! Doctor, where are
you taking this patient?
157
00:07:13,136 --> 00:07:15,203
Yeah, what do we got
going on here?
158
00:07:15,238 --> 00:07:17,472
Tests.
Just some routine tests.
159
00:07:17,507 --> 00:07:19,474
Okay, let's get you
dancin', handsome.
160
00:07:19,509 --> 00:07:21,409
I am handsome.
161
00:07:21,445 --> 00:07:23,411
Maybe I could do
a comedy routine.
162
00:07:23,447 --> 00:07:25,113
I mean, how hard could that be?
163
00:07:25,148 --> 00:07:26,881
[Cliff] Seriously?
[Archer] What?
164
00:07:26,916 --> 00:07:28,816
You look like a rodeo clown.
165
00:07:28,851 --> 00:07:31,151
[chuckles] You've clearly
never been to a rodeo.
166
00:07:31,187 --> 00:07:32,820
Aw, brother, I have.
167
00:07:32,855 --> 00:07:34,789
That was the circus.
168
00:07:34,824 --> 00:07:36,423
No. There were lions.
169
00:07:36,459 --> 00:07:38,859
Look, man, Verl's
got to be the cop.
170
00:07:38,895 --> 00:07:40,494
I mean, you know,
no offense, but--
171
00:07:40,529 --> 00:07:42,762
The fact that you feel like
you have to say "no offense"--
172
00:07:42,798 --> 00:07:44,164
Moot!
Wait. What?
173
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,133
What?
Moot. It's my plan.
174
00:07:46,168 --> 00:07:48,001
- I'm the cop.
- [scoffs] Come on.
175
00:07:48,036 --> 00:07:50,304
You look like you should
be policing a cornfield.
176
00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:51,871
Arresting crows and shit.
177
00:07:51,907 --> 00:07:53,574
Caw! Caw!
Seriously.
178
00:07:53,609 --> 00:07:55,142
No. I'm the cop.
179
00:07:55,177 --> 00:07:57,478
For one thing, I have
military experience, so--
180
00:07:57,513 --> 00:07:59,813
Me and Verl were in the army.
And I was in the navy.
181
00:07:59,848 --> 00:08:02,048
Well, but, you know,
I didn't segregate the service.
182
00:08:02,084 --> 00:08:04,383
And no offense, but--
But here it comes.
183
00:08:04,419 --> 00:08:06,586
Well, but what did
you do, exactly?
184
00:08:06,622 --> 00:08:09,155
I was in the Transport Corps.
I was a steward.
185
00:08:09,190 --> 00:08:10,824
Exactly. So, you know--
186
00:08:10,859 --> 00:08:13,727
Oh, I get it.
So, no matter how eager
187
00:08:13,762 --> 00:08:16,095
Negroes were to prove
ourselves in combat,
188
00:08:16,131 --> 00:08:19,432
thanks to segregation, most of us
had to serve in support units.
189
00:08:19,467 --> 00:08:23,102
And driving trucks and serving coffee
don't exactly make us war heroes.
190
00:08:23,138 --> 00:08:26,805
No. Come on. Look, I realize that a
segregated service is just crazy.
191
00:08:26,841 --> 00:08:29,975
Especially when you think about what
we were fighting for over there, but--
192
00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:32,645
Oh, so now you got a "but."
But if you think about it,
193
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,881
the most racist thing would be
if whenever there was a war,
194
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,017
we only sent Negroes.
195
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:42,121
Wow!
Words fail me.
196
00:08:42,156 --> 00:08:44,990
I failed my induction screening.
Well, obviously.
197
00:08:45,026 --> 00:08:47,459
You put the "F" in "4-F."
You know--
198
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:50,495
Okay, Verl can be the cop.
But I'm still squad leader.
199
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,799
And I need you guys
to respect that.
200
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,402
Come on. Come on.
Move your lazy asses.
201
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,538
Oh, that's good. That's good, Verl.
Very believable.
202
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,673
Will you quit jamming
my ass with that thing?
203
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,642
He said, coyly.
Silence, prisoner.
204
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,143
[men chuckling]
Yeah. Shut up.
205
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,645
And the next cop we see,
I'm getting his uniform.
206
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:10,214
So... [sighs] [door opens]
207
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:12,016
Damn it.
208
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:15,186
Complete and total bullshit.
Dress that line, boy!
209
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,789
[men chuckling] Talk about
looking like a scarecrow.
210
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,624
Caw! Caw!
Doesn't even work there, so...
211
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:23,694
So, hey, I'm not an architect,
but I'm pretty sure
212
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:26,297
you can't leave a building
through the sub-basement.
213
00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:30,000
So, unless they keep all the
fingerprint cards down here--
214
00:09:30,035 --> 00:09:31,735
In the dampest part
of the building--
215
00:09:31,770 --> 00:09:33,637
What the hell
are we doing down here?
216
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:36,407
Well, um, it's a surprise.
217
00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:39,209
Oh, goody!
Let me guess.
218
00:09:39,244 --> 00:09:42,713
Is it, uh, a truck full
of my Chinese whores?
219
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,848
Uh, better.
Oh!
220
00:09:44,883 --> 00:09:48,351
A slightly larger truck
full of my Chinese whores?
221
00:09:48,386 --> 00:09:50,187
Even better.
I feel like we're gonna run out
222
00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:52,422
of things to fill with Chinese whores.
No.
223
00:09:52,457 --> 00:09:54,957
You'll forget all about them when
you hear what I've got for you.
224
00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:56,792
Intriguing.
[chuckles]
225
00:09:56,828 --> 00:09:58,461
All right.
Give me a hint.
226
00:09:58,496 --> 00:10:01,297
Two words:
Charlotte Vandertunt.
227
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:04,900
[gasps] The heiress to the vast
Vandertunt publishing fortune?
228
00:10:04,936 --> 00:10:08,137
And, by inference,
an ideal target for kidnapping.
229
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,072
I'm not kidnapping a Vandertunt.
230
00:10:10,108 --> 00:10:12,241
You don't have to.
I already did.
231
00:10:12,276 --> 00:10:16,445
Are you serious?
Oh, Figgis, that is some good work.
232
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,548
Where is she?
Downtown, booked in as a Jane Doe.
233
00:10:19,583 --> 00:10:21,784
You got her in that shitty jail?
234
00:10:21,819 --> 00:10:24,286
No! You go get her,
and you bring her here.
235
00:10:24,321 --> 00:10:26,555
But--
"But" nothing, ya little weasel.
236
00:10:26,590 --> 00:10:29,725
Bring her to me.
I want to meet her.
237
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,793
Oh, I bet she's charming.
238
00:10:31,828 --> 00:10:34,329
[screaming]
239
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,100
[screaming continues] What--
What is happening right now?
240
00:10:39,136 --> 00:10:42,604
That's what I'm trying to--
What the hell is wrong with you?
241
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,538
Everything!
242
00:10:44,574 --> 00:10:48,943
I spent my life in jail, and now
I'm a disgusting old woman!
243
00:10:48,979 --> 00:10:50,845
[overlapping chatter] What
is she talking about?
244
00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:54,682
My God,
the future is terrifying!
245
00:10:54,717 --> 00:10:56,851
How many years
have I been in here?
246
00:10:56,887 --> 00:10:59,387
Wha-- [chuckles]
It's been, like, a half an hour.
247
00:10:59,422 --> 00:11:01,422
What? No, but...
[breathing heavily]
248
00:11:01,457 --> 00:11:03,991
But then-- How--
249
00:11:04,026 --> 00:11:05,626
[whispering]
How are there Negro policemen?
250
00:11:05,662 --> 00:11:07,728
Uh, definitely Negro policemen.
[overlapping chatter]
251
00:11:07,764 --> 00:11:10,898
I-- But--
I mean, since when?
252
00:11:10,933 --> 00:11:12,767
In L.A.?
I wanna say...
253
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,435
Was it 1886?
254
00:11:14,470 --> 00:11:17,637
Yep. Patrolman
Robert W. Stewart.
255
00:11:17,673 --> 00:11:19,339
Big Beat-Walkin' Bob.
256
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,974
- They called him that?
- How should I know?
257
00:11:21,010 --> 00:11:22,843
[sighs]
Uh...
258
00:11:22,878 --> 00:11:24,845
[chuckles] Well, then, I
don't know what to say.
259
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,047
I am simply mortified.
260
00:11:27,082 --> 00:11:29,216
Please accept
my apology. I...
261
00:11:29,251 --> 00:11:31,985
[chuckles]
You're my first Negroes.
262
00:11:33,522 --> 00:11:35,955
So, was this a surprise?
263
00:11:35,990 --> 00:11:38,458
- Because I already know a crazy lady.
- His Aunt Marva.
264
00:11:38,493 --> 00:11:41,695
Eats paper. By the pound.
Mm-hmm. God bless that mess.
265
00:11:41,730 --> 00:11:44,864
So, no. The surprise is,
we're gonna seriously jeopardize
266
00:11:44,899 --> 00:11:47,534
our own chance of escaping
by taking her with us.
267
00:11:47,569 --> 00:11:49,636
[discontented
overlapping chatter]
268
00:11:49,671 --> 00:11:52,504
[Poovey] I say we put it to a vote.
[sighs]
269
00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:53,873
I vote no.
270
00:11:53,908 --> 00:11:55,641
Poovey, come on.
Don't do this.
271
00:11:55,676 --> 00:11:58,878
Make me.
I mean, don't make me.
272
00:11:58,913 --> 00:12:01,447
Look, I know you cops have to
check your weapons up front,
273
00:12:01,482 --> 00:12:04,750
and there's five of us
and only one of you, so--
274
00:12:04,785 --> 00:12:07,085
So who wants their ass beat first?
[bones crack]
275
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:11,056
And before you decide, keep in mind
I'm gradually gonna get more tired,
276
00:12:11,091 --> 00:12:13,291
but also gradually
more berserker.
277
00:12:13,327 --> 00:12:14,526
[shrieks in delight]
278
00:12:14,562 --> 00:12:18,296
This is the
best... day... ever!
279
00:12:18,332 --> 00:12:19,732
[shrieks]
280
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:22,968
Being a Negro
must be so exciting.
281
00:12:29,197 --> 00:12:30,967
[applause]
[Lana] Thank you.
282
00:12:31,077 --> 00:12:34,812
Oh, thank you.
Oh, you're too kind.
283
00:12:34,848 --> 00:12:36,569
How's everybody doing tonight?
284
00:12:36,688 --> 00:12:39,088
Doing good?
Having a swell time?
285
00:12:39,123 --> 00:12:41,390
[snorts]
Yeah? Everybody having fun?
286
00:12:41,425 --> 00:12:45,194
Painting the town red?
Wonderful!
287
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,729
Terrific.
288
00:12:47,765 --> 00:12:49,899
So, I'm gonna want a rematch.
289
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:51,666
[breathily]
Me too.
290
00:12:51,702 --> 00:12:55,070
What in the hell is she doing?
291
00:12:55,106 --> 00:12:57,806
I'll tell you
who's not having fun.
292
00:12:57,841 --> 00:13:00,742
Al Capone. He just died.
You hear about this?
293
00:13:00,778 --> 00:13:02,677
Yep. He died of syphilis.
294
00:13:02,713 --> 00:13:06,214
Wouldn't wanna be that broad, would ya?
[laughs]
295
00:13:06,249 --> 00:13:08,216
[in ditzy voice, Brooklyn accent]
Hi, Alphonse?
296
00:13:08,251 --> 00:13:10,351
Yeah, it's me, Trixie.
297
00:13:10,387 --> 00:13:12,553
Yeah, so, I was just callin'
298
00:13:12,588 --> 00:13:16,257
to say thanks
for a such a lovely evenin'.
299
00:13:16,293 --> 00:13:18,226
Yeah, me too.
300
00:13:18,261 --> 00:13:21,229
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
301
00:13:21,264 --> 00:13:23,697
Yeah, so listen, um...
302
00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:27,001
Tsk.
[sighs]
303
00:13:27,037 --> 00:13:29,703
[audience member coughs] [in normal
voice] You know, like she's calling
304
00:13:29,739 --> 00:13:33,441
notorious criminal Al Capone to
tell him she gave him syphilis.
305
00:13:33,476 --> 00:13:36,610
That's-- That's
pretty awkward, right?
306
00:13:36,646 --> 00:13:38,712
Although she was probably
a prostitute.
307
00:13:38,748 --> 00:13:40,948
And why you'd give your phone
number to a prostitute...
308
00:13:40,983 --> 00:13:43,116
So-- So what else?
309
00:13:43,152 --> 00:13:44,752
[Poovey coughing]
310
00:13:44,787 --> 00:13:47,220
You know how pissed off
Figgis is gonna be
311
00:13:47,256 --> 00:13:49,823
when he finds out you walked off
with his million-dollar payday?
312
00:13:49,858 --> 00:13:54,494
Roughly the same as if he finds out
about your new Chinese sister-wives?
313
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:56,163
[gong bangs]
[women exclaiming]
314
00:13:56,198 --> 00:13:58,165
Oh, goody.
315
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,968
[exclaiming continues]
Another sweater.
316
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:04,504
[sighs] All right, Archer.
You win this round.
317
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:07,406
Yeah. I mean, you're handcuffed
to a pipe, so obviously.
318
00:14:07,442 --> 00:14:11,744
- Hey, let's go.
- We'll go when your squad leader says we'll go.
319
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,013
Which is now.
Let's go.
320
00:14:14,048 --> 00:14:16,749
Hang on. We still gotta get
our fingerprint cards.
321
00:14:16,785 --> 00:14:18,851
Oh, right.
Where do they keep them?
322
00:14:18,886 --> 00:14:21,120
Second floor, Room 202.
323
00:14:21,155 --> 00:14:23,255
But good luck getting in there
without a-- [alarm blaring]
324
00:14:23,291 --> 00:14:25,724
[braying laughter]
325
00:14:25,759 --> 00:14:27,559
A distraction. Nice!
326
00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:30,796
[Poovey] I was gonna say--
Ooh! Sprinklers! Nice!
327
00:14:30,831 --> 00:14:33,466
The key, you dickheads!
328
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:36,502
Ohh, right. Duh.
329
00:14:36,537 --> 00:14:38,436
Whew. What else?
330
00:14:38,472 --> 00:14:40,939
Uh-- Oh, prostitutes
and, uh, syphilis. Okay.
331
00:14:40,975 --> 00:14:44,810
So, I heard about a male
prostitute who got syphilis.
332
00:14:44,845 --> 00:14:47,145
Yeah. Apparently,
he was fine for a while,
333
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,781
but then business
kind of dropped off.
334
00:14:51,784 --> 00:14:54,319
Reminds me-- Uh, reminds me
of my cousin Eddie.
335
00:14:54,354 --> 00:14:57,222
Uh, he goes to see the family doctor.
Doctor says,
336
00:14:57,257 --> 00:14:59,924
[in masculine voice] "Well, I've
got some good news and bad news.
337
00:14:59,959 --> 00:15:02,727
The bad news is,
your wife has syphilis."
338
00:15:02,762 --> 00:15:06,697
"My God," Eddie says, "what's
the good news?" Doctor says,
339
00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:09,199
[in masculine voice] "Good news
is, she didn't get it from you...
340
00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:11,903
[laughs]
"based on this
341
00:15:11,938 --> 00:15:15,706
medical examination."
[faint coughing]
342
00:15:15,742 --> 00:15:17,474
All right. Let's-- Let's see
what else I got here.
343
00:15:17,510 --> 00:15:19,476
Uh, syphilis, syphilis,
344
00:15:19,512 --> 00:15:22,212
syphilis, syphilis, syphilis,
syphilis, syphilis...
345
00:15:22,248 --> 00:15:24,748
Oh, hey! How 'bout
that Taft-Hartley Act?
346
00:15:24,783 --> 00:15:26,316
[man]
Show us your tits!
347
00:15:27,586 --> 00:15:29,386
I mean...
348
00:15:29,422 --> 00:15:31,621
Oh, jeez, I'm getting wet!
[clamoring]
349
00:15:31,857 --> 00:15:33,423
[Archer] Will you hurry up?
Hang on.
350
00:15:33,459 --> 00:15:36,326
I got everybody's
but mine. Uh...
351
00:15:36,362 --> 00:15:39,529
[cackling]
352
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:41,998
Here it is!
Oh, my God.
353
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:43,933
Oh, it's hilari--
354
00:15:43,969 --> 00:15:45,769
[laughing]
355
00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:47,703
"Phil McCracken."
356
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:48,805
[laughing continues]
357
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,774
[siren wailing]
Right?
358
00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:56,479
What the hell is going on here?
359
00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:59,448
Uh, do what now?
I said, what the hell's going on here?
360
00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:02,618
[clears throat] It's a-- a
prisoner-- prisoner transport.
361
00:16:02,654 --> 00:16:05,588
Uh, taking these reefer addicts
over to Newton Street--
362
00:16:05,623 --> 00:16:07,790
Oh, well--
...for treatment and counseling.
363
00:16:07,825 --> 00:16:08,991
Nope.
For what?
364
00:16:09,026 --> 00:16:10,626
Damn it, Floyd.
Floyd? Wh--
365
00:16:10,662 --> 00:16:12,295
Why did he--
Wait a minute.
366
00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:15,264
What's your badge and unit number?
F-Four?
367
00:16:15,299 --> 00:16:16,965
What?
[grunts]
368
00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:18,934
[goofy laughter]
369
00:16:18,969 --> 00:16:21,036
Okay, you are just terrifying.
[squeals, brays]
370
00:16:21,071 --> 00:16:24,106
Shut it, McCracken.
And "treatment and counseling"?
371
00:16:24,141 --> 00:16:25,674
Seriously?
[Floyd] What?
372
00:16:25,709 --> 00:16:27,876
I bet in the long run
it's more economical.
373
00:16:27,912 --> 00:16:30,145
Just get in the truck.
[engine starts]
374
00:16:30,181 --> 00:16:33,147
Yeah, I'm getting in the truck because
I choose to get into the truck.
375
00:16:33,183 --> 00:16:36,017
I--
Wait! Take me with you.
376
00:16:36,052 --> 00:16:38,720
We are.
Oh.
377
00:16:38,755 --> 00:16:41,222
Well, then, I shall thank
you to mind your tone.
378
00:16:41,257 --> 00:16:42,223
[alarm continues blaring]
[shouting] What?
379
00:16:42,258 --> 00:16:43,625
[shouting]
I said--
380
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:45,126
[alarm stops]
[normal voice] Oh.
381
00:16:45,161 --> 00:16:47,228
I said, "Archer got away."
Oh, that son of a--
382
00:16:47,263 --> 00:16:48,996
As did the Vandertunt broad.
383
00:16:49,032 --> 00:16:50,998
What? How could you
let that happen?
384
00:16:51,034 --> 00:16:52,499
There were five of 'em!
385
00:16:52,535 --> 00:16:55,169
And I had to check my gun,
obviously, so I--
386
00:16:55,205 --> 00:16:57,171
See you didn't check yours.
387
00:16:57,207 --> 00:16:59,773
No. No, there was
so much confusion.
388
00:16:59,809 --> 00:17:01,209
Yeah, right?
389
00:17:01,244 --> 00:17:02,643
Right. For instance,
I'm confused
390
00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:04,511
about why I don't just go ahead
391
00:17:04,547 --> 00:17:06,613
and shoot you
in your stupid fat face.
392
00:17:06,649 --> 00:17:10,351
Well, for one thing--
[gasps] Noooo!
393
00:17:10,386 --> 00:17:13,153
[ringing in ears] [muted] Okay, you dummy.
So tonight, right now,
394
00:17:13,188 --> 00:17:16,122
you're gonna find the Vandertunt
broad, and you're gonna find Archer.
395
00:17:16,158 --> 00:17:19,292
You're gonna bring her to Trexler's, and
you're gonna leave him in some alley
396
00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:21,294
[gibberish] with a case of lead
poisoning, just like his partner.
397
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:23,629
[normal volume] You got it?
Mawp. Mawp.
398
00:17:23,665 --> 00:17:26,456
That better have been
a long-ass apology.
399
00:17:26,501 --> 00:17:28,969
[Mother]
I'm sorry, what was that?
400
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:32,372
No, just, if I had more time, I--
I could really tighten up my set.
401
00:17:32,407 --> 00:17:36,309
Oh, I don't know how you'd improve
on a solid half-hour about syphilis.
402
00:17:36,344 --> 00:17:37,743
Wait. What?
Ew!
403
00:17:37,779 --> 00:17:40,046
What I do know
is all the refunds I gave
404
00:17:40,081 --> 00:17:41,747
are coming out of your paycheck.
405
00:17:41,783 --> 00:17:43,916
But--
You've got a "but"?
406
00:17:43,951 --> 00:17:45,851
I'll say.
Zip it, Missy.
407
00:17:45,887 --> 00:17:47,753
And, come to think of it,
the refunds will come
408
00:17:47,789 --> 00:17:49,522
out of all your paychecks!
409
00:17:49,558 --> 00:17:51,023
Damn it, Ray!
That's some bullshit.
410
00:17:51,059 --> 00:17:53,392
And I swear to God,
if you people get caught
411
00:17:53,427 --> 00:17:57,529
smoking reefers again--
I'm sorry. By "you people," do you mean--
412
00:17:57,565 --> 00:17:59,699
Out! All of you, out!
413
00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:02,010
Not so fast, Shamus.
414
00:18:02,045 --> 00:18:03,466
[sighs]
Damn it.
415
00:18:03,586 --> 00:18:06,584
Hey, not that it should matter,
but I was a tanker.
416
00:18:06,704 --> 00:18:08,278
761st Tank Battalion.
417
00:18:08,407 --> 00:18:10,040
Wait. Patton's Panthers?
418
00:18:10,075 --> 00:18:12,243
You guys saved
our asses at the Bulge.
419
00:18:12,278 --> 00:18:15,078
Mm-hmm.
Well, now I feel like an asshole.
420
00:18:15,114 --> 00:18:17,781
Well, can't help you with that.
421
00:18:17,816 --> 00:18:20,417
[Mother] Archer! And that
little chippie of yours.
422
00:18:20,453 --> 00:18:22,586
[laughs]
I beg your pardon?
423
00:18:22,622 --> 00:18:24,855
Keep it up, and you will.
Wait. What?
424
00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:28,792
I'm not accustomed to being stood up, Mr.
Archer, and yet once again--
425
00:18:28,827 --> 00:18:30,827
I know, and I'm sorry.
It's just--
426
00:18:30,863 --> 00:18:32,763
Well, she isn't
just some chippie.
427
00:18:32,798 --> 00:18:35,132
She's actually
Charlotte Vandertunt.
428
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:40,637
I-- You mean, the heiress to the
vast Vandertunt publishing fortune?
429
00:18:40,673 --> 00:18:42,272
Uh, duh.
Zerp.
430
00:18:42,307 --> 00:18:44,840
Then do tell.
What's a nice heiress like you
431
00:18:44,876 --> 00:18:47,510
doing in a joint like this?
I rescued her.
432
00:18:47,546 --> 00:18:50,647
Len Trexler and that cop Figgis
were gonna kidnap her, so--
433
00:18:50,682 --> 00:18:52,815
How were they going to do that?
434
00:18:52,850 --> 00:18:54,817
Well, nobody knows
where she is, so--
435
00:18:54,852 --> 00:18:58,688
I'm trying to escape a
quasi-incestuous family situation.
436
00:18:58,723 --> 00:18:59,855
How?
A four.
437
00:18:59,891 --> 00:19:01,490
Eh.
Yeah, so--
438
00:19:01,525 --> 00:19:04,126
So, presumably,
the Vandertunt family
439
00:19:04,162 --> 00:19:06,228
still doesn't know where she is?
440
00:19:06,263 --> 00:19:08,397
I mean, don't know
how they would.
441
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:11,200
Excellent.
442
00:19:11,235 --> 00:19:15,171
[gasps] Oh, shit.
What?
443
00:19:15,206 --> 00:19:17,439
[Mother] Well, then, I
suggest you wake him.
444
00:19:17,474 --> 00:19:20,742
Unless you think Mr. Vandertunt would
rather see his daughter gradually...
445
00:19:22,112 --> 00:19:23,612
via the mail.
446
00:19:23,647 --> 00:19:26,215
[joyous squealing]
[tapping floor]
447
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:27,816
[high-pitched laugh]
448
00:19:27,851 --> 00:19:30,452
Best... day... ever!
449
00:19:30,487 --> 00:19:32,187
[growls]
450
00:19:32,222 --> 00:19:34,288
Right?
451
00:19:34,524 --> 00:19:39,524
- Synced and corrected by honeybunny -
- Re-synced by darthfrede - www.addic7ed.com
452
00:19:39,574 --> 00:19:44,124
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