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00:00:04,655 --> 00:00:06,722
Rat Patrol!
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God, that was killing me.
3
00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:11,794
So yeah, these exact same jeeps,
only with fifty-cal machine guns
4
00:00:11,861 --> 00:00:14,930
on the back, and the Rat
Patrol just tore ass all over
5
00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:17,600
North Africa, hassling Rommel.
6
00:00:17,668 --> 00:00:18,967
How did you never see that show?
7
00:00:19,035 --> 00:00:21,637
I was probably here,
digging this goddamn jeep outta
8
00:00:21,705 --> 00:00:23,206
this goddamn sand!
9
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,833
Hey don't yell at me, I'm
not the idiot who got us stuck!
10
00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:26,909
You were driving!
11
00:00:26,976 --> 00:00:30,213
So yes, you are exactly the
idiot who got us stuck!
12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,482
Well whatever, the Rat Patrol
drove through way deeper sand than this.
13
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:34,217
Ya know...
14
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:37,851
Although I think one guy's backstory
was that he'd been like, a bootlegger?
15
00:00:38,054 --> 00:00:41,123
But Kentucky's not all sand-duney, so--
Can you at least get out
16
00:00:41,191 --> 00:00:41,890
of the jeep?!
17
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:42,925
Yes.
18
00:00:42,992 --> 00:00:44,193
Well?!
19
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:45,094
Hang on?
20
00:00:46,330 --> 00:00:49,932
But only because taking a dump on
Turkmenistan is on my bucket list.
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00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:51,634
A true citizen of the world.
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00:00:51,702 --> 00:00:52,468
Right?
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00:00:52,536 --> 00:00:53,603
I mean shut up?
24
00:00:53,670 --> 00:00:56,372
Is... damn.
25
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,107
Okay, I guess this'll have to do.
26
00:00:58,174 --> 00:00:58,855
Noooop!
27
00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:00,008
You're not using the map for that!
28
00:01:00,076 --> 00:01:03,246
Hey, I'm not the idiot
who didn't -- I mean, I also
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00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,481
didn't think to bring toilet
paper, but I'm not, ya know...
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00:01:05,549 --> 00:01:06,382
An idiot.
31
00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:07,250
Exactly.
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00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:10,219
Right, because an idiot wouldn't
wipe his ass with our only map.
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00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:13,422
No, an idiot would wipe
his ass with our only compass.
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00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,157
Wait, which is where?!
35
00:01:15,225 --> 00:01:17,426
Who am I, Lewis and-or Clark?
36
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:18,127
Archer.
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00:01:18,194 --> 00:01:20,829
Well the last time I saw
it was on the bar in the Athens
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00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:22,732
airport, but --
God damn it!
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00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:24,800
Yeah, I doubt it's still there.
40
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,536
A sticky-fingered
people, the Greeks.
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00:01:27,604 --> 00:01:29,138
Well you're not! Using the map!
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00:01:29,205 --> 00:01:30,038
Okay!
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00:01:30,106 --> 00:01:32,575
- Jesus...
Wh-?
44
00:01:32,643 --> 00:01:34,109
Noooo no no no no!
45
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:36,412
- Well it's this or the map, so...
- Great, we'll just tell
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00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,681
him his money's out in the
desert covered with shit.
47
00:01:38,749 --> 00:01:40,816
There's still
ninety-five grand in the bag!
48
00:01:40,884 --> 00:01:44,153
- And if what's-his-name...
- Gorbagun Gorbanguly.
49
00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:44,820
Really?
50
00:01:44,888 --> 00:01:45,655
Yes, really.
51
00:01:45,722 --> 00:01:46,922
And you can have a hundred.
52
00:01:46,990 --> 00:01:47,956
What?
53
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:52,060
Cyril, since what, Monday, I've
had nothing but ouzo and lamb.
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00:01:52,128 --> 00:01:54,096
C'mon, I need at least a thousand.
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00:01:54,164 --> 00:01:55,004
Three hundred.
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00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,599
Oh for -- eight hundred!
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Five.
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00:01:57,434 --> 00:02:00,102
Seven!
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00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:02,772
Seven, and you dig out the jeep.
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00:02:02,839 --> 00:02:04,106
Okay, deal.
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00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:05,007
But I take the map.
62
00:02:05,074 --> 00:02:06,809
No! We just went over --
To read!
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00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:10,179
Now c'mon, hurry up!
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00:02:10,246 --> 00:02:11,781
The lambs are screaming!
65
00:02:11,848 --> 00:02:13,849
Hey be careful,
there might be snakes!
66
00:02:13,917 --> 00:02:15,484
Not even gonna swing at that one.
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00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:16,452
Ha ha.
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00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:17,753
I'm talking about cobras.
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00:02:17,821 --> 00:02:19,488
What do you know
about cobras, Cyril?
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00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,724
I know the Caspian
cobra, which is indigenous to
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00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:24,827
Turkmenistan, is often light
brown with darker ventral bands.
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00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,930
Well goody, you win...
cobra-knowing.
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00:02:27,997 --> 00:02:29,832
Dukes, it's gonna be dark soon.
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00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:30,833
How far is it?
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00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:34,403
I dunno, I need to look
at the -- God damn it, Archer!
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00:02:34,471 --> 00:02:37,239
What, I said I needed a thousand!
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00:02:37,307 --> 00:02:43,278
Bet three hundred bucks seems pretty
cheap for a map right about nyowwww!
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00:02:43,347 --> 00:02:48,884
So hey, so yeah, did you say light
brown with darker whateveral bands?
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00:02:48,952 --> 00:02:52,888
Ventral bands, on -- wait, why?
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00:02:52,956 --> 00:02:56,826
Eh.
Just curious.
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00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:29,691
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:37,023
"Curious"
meaning what, exactly?
83
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:39,392
Uh, meaning odd or strange?
84
00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:42,763
First of all, Turkmenistan isn't--
Or how about just sexist
85
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:44,698
and stupi --
Enough!
86
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:49,336
Please, we've talked about this,
it's not even eight-thirty.
87
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:53,406
Let me get settled before you clomp
in here in one of your jealous snits.
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00:03:53,475 --> 00:03:55,542
One of my -- wait, whoa, clomp?
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00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,545
Yes, Lana, clomp, meaning--
I know what clomp means!
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00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,747
- Your clompin' ass oughta know...
Wh-?
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00:04:00,815 --> 00:04:03,650
Seriously, I bet your
downstairs neighbors hate you.
92
00:04:03,718 --> 00:04:04,918
For your information.
93
00:04:04,986 --> 00:04:07,521
The Flatows are always
incredibly polite to me.
94
00:04:07,589 --> 00:04:10,557
That's because the Flatows think
they live under a frickin AT-AT.
95
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:11,391
Zhwizz-clonk!
96
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:12,459
Zhwizz-clonk!
97
00:04:12,527 --> 00:04:15,095
Zhwizz --
Okay!
98
00:04:15,162 --> 00:04:18,799
Whereas this one, almost
impossibly light on her feet.
99
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:22,335
It's like... if you've ever
seen Jackie Gleason dance.
100
00:04:22,403 --> 00:04:25,405
So, is that a compliment, or --
I don't see how
101
00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:26,239
it possibly could be.
102
00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:27,273
Okay.
103
00:04:27,341 --> 00:04:29,409
Nor do I see how
you could possibly think
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00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:33,046
that you're at all suited to a
covert mission in Turkmenistan.
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00:04:33,114 --> 00:04:35,115
Why, because I'm black,
or because I'm a woman?
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00:04:35,182 --> 00:04:35,682
Wh-?
107
00:04:35,717 --> 00:04:36,550
Pick one!
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00:04:36,618 --> 00:04:39,720
I mean look, I don't want
to sound racist, but --
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00:04:39,787 --> 00:04:41,522
But you're gonna power through it.
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00:04:41,589 --> 00:04:44,057
Not about you,
about Turkmenistan!
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00:04:44,125 --> 00:04:48,128
Lana, this is a Central Asian,
maledominated, xenophobic
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00:04:48,195 --> 00:04:51,832
puppet-state whose dictator
changed the words for bread and
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00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:54,200
Friday to his dog's name.
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00:04:54,268 --> 00:04:55,002
Gurpgork.
115
00:04:55,069 --> 00:04:58,038
Yes, Gurpgor --
how did you know that?
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00:04:58,105 --> 00:04:59,973
Oh my God
how did I know that?!
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00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:01,174
Okay.
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00:05:01,242 --> 00:05:04,077
And all that crazy is
sitting on top of an ocean of
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00:05:04,145 --> 00:05:06,246
oil and natural gas.
120
00:05:06,313 --> 00:05:09,249
Making this pipeline crucial
to the Russians, which is why
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00:05:09,316 --> 00:05:13,319
we're paying Gurbanguly to...
hinder construction.
122
00:05:13,387 --> 00:05:16,757
Wh-? Wait, so now we're paying
people to blow up oil pipelines?!
123
00:05:16,824 --> 00:05:19,325
See? Another
reason I didn't send you.
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00:05:19,393 --> 00:05:20,794
What, the environment?!
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00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,395
Of what, this litterbox?
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00:05:22,463 --> 00:05:23,730
Or Western Europe?
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00:05:23,798 --> 00:05:27,601
Because T-72 tanks aren't exactly
known for their low emissions.
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00:05:27,669 --> 00:05:30,871
I want it officially
on record that I am strongly
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00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:34,741
opposed to this mission.
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00:05:34,809 --> 00:05:35,610
What record?
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00:05:35,677 --> 00:05:38,344
Aww, can I at least put
something in the newsletter?
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00:05:38,412 --> 00:05:39,713
Wh-?
133
00:05:39,781 --> 00:05:41,448
You're not still doing that?!
134
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:42,148
No?
135
00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:42,849
Yes!
136
00:05:42,917 --> 00:05:43,450
No!
137
00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:44,250
Please!
138
00:05:44,318 --> 00:05:48,388
Just pretend I'm -- who's your
go-to movie star, ya know, for --
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00:05:48,456 --> 00:05:49,823
Lorne Greene.
140
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,124
- Wow.
- Yeah.
141
00:05:51,192 --> 00:05:52,926
Bonanza or Battlestar?
142
00:05:52,994 --> 00:05:53,961
Duh.
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00:05:54,028 --> 00:05:56,763
So, I come to the Ponderosa
looking for ranch work, but my
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00:05:56,831 --> 00:06:00,533
chaps get torn and Hop Sing --
Ray?
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00:06:00,602 --> 00:06:02,069
Time's kind of a factor here.
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00:06:02,136 --> 00:06:03,770
I am not. Ever.
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00:06:03,838 --> 00:06:05,472
Sucking your taint.
148
00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:08,875
Okay, so Cyril...
Better chapstick it up, buddy.
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00:06:08,943 --> 00:06:11,144
First of all, not only
does sucking out the venom not
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00:06:11,212 --> 00:06:13,413
help the snakebite victim,
it can also envenom the --
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00:06:13,481 --> 00:06:16,282
Taint-sucker,
that's you, let's go.
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00:06:16,350 --> 00:06:18,218
And second of all, the
venom's not there anymore, it's
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00:06:18,285 --> 00:06:20,420
pumping through your veins
to your heart and brain.
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00:06:20,488 --> 00:06:22,255
My -- well put
a tourniquet on me!
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00:06:22,323 --> 00:06:24,625
You can't tourniquet the taint.
156
00:06:24,692 --> 00:06:26,559
But -- wait is
my dick gonna be okay?!
157
00:06:26,628 --> 00:06:29,529
Well the danger there is cytotoxins,
which can cause severe necrosis.
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00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,464
Nec -- so my
dick's gonna fall off?!
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00:06:31,532 --> 00:06:32,432
Maybe.
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00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,166
Aaagh!
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00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:35,168
But the bigger danger
is the neuro and cardiotoxins,
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which can cause respiratory
failure, cardiac arrest --
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00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:42,142
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
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00:06:42,209 --> 00:06:46,212
So the most important
thing is for you to stay calm.
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00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,413
Ew.
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00:06:47,481 --> 00:06:50,150
- Oh boy...
- What, that's good right?
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00:06:50,217 --> 00:06:51,852
If my body's throwing up the poison?
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00:06:51,919 --> 00:06:52,853
It might be.
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00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,220
If you had drunk it.
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00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:58,324
Jesus H. Thirst, speaking of...
Ray, back pocket down there, flask.
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00:06:58,392 --> 00:06:58,959
Wh-?
172
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:00,460
No, alcohol's a vasodilator!
173
00:07:00,528 --> 00:07:04,131
It's the absolute worst possible
thing you can do for a snakebite!
174
00:07:04,198 --> 00:07:05,331
Well maybe for regular people.
175
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:08,001
Cyril, it's already full
of cobra venom, now's not the
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00:07:08,069 --> 00:07:11,504
time for any more chemical
changes to my blood!
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00:07:11,572 --> 00:07:13,573
Okay, give it to him.
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00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:16,376
Wh-? Gimme that!
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00:07:16,443 --> 00:07:17,811
Here, baby.
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00:07:17,879 --> 00:07:18,912
It's half empty!
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00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:26,119
That's still way more than you--
Just shut up and -- Dig.
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00:07:26,187 --> 00:07:27,821
I'm not doing super great.
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00:07:27,889 --> 00:07:29,250
Well I could use some help!
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00:07:29,256 --> 00:07:31,291
I would, but I
can't feel my hands.
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00:07:31,358 --> 00:07:32,292
I meant Ray!
186
00:07:32,359 --> 00:07:35,896
Who's just standing there...
Ray, dammit, on bionic legs!
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00:07:35,963 --> 00:07:36,723
Oh right.
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00:07:36,764 --> 00:07:37,864
God damn it, Ray!
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00:07:37,932 --> 00:07:38,799
I forgot!
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00:07:38,866 --> 00:07:40,934
How do you forget
you have bionic legs?!
191
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:44,738
I, ya know, are you constantly
aware you have regular leg bones?!
192
00:07:44,806 --> 00:07:46,886
No, you're --
Just pick up the goddamn jeep!
193
00:07:46,941 --> 00:07:49,609
He said, suddenly all...
pro-bionic.
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00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:51,178
Okay, on three.
195
00:07:51,245 --> 00:07:55,381
One, two, threeaagh!
196
00:07:55,449 --> 00:07:56,083
Ray?
197
00:07:56,150 --> 00:07:57,350
What is that,
what're you doing?!
198
00:07:57,418 --> 00:08:00,486
- My back my back my back my back...
- Are you shitting me?!
199
00:08:00,554 --> 00:08:05,625
Bionic legs, and you
lifted with your back?!
200
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:08,561
Cyril, my gun's in the gear bag,
could you hand it to me, please?
201
00:08:08,629 --> 00:08:10,563
To... use as a signal?
202
00:08:10,631 --> 00:08:11,832
Yeah, maybe.
203
00:08:11,899 --> 00:08:14,534
If there's any bullets left
after I murder both of you.
204
00:08:14,602 --> 00:08:15,102
Wh-?
205
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,103
Why me?!
206
00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:18,872
It's number two
on my bucket list.
207
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:19,840
What's number one?
208
00:08:19,907 --> 00:08:21,808
Going to one of those
things where they make some
209
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:27,509
record-breakingly huge kind of food, like
a frittata the size of a hockey rink.
210
00:08:28,744 --> 00:08:32,902
And then eating a piece, and then
laughing, because I murdered you.
211
00:08:37,211 --> 00:08:41,214
Krieger, I need you
to -- Krieger, Krieger?
212
00:08:41,282 --> 00:08:42,816
Yep! Yep yep yep!
213
00:08:42,884 --> 00:08:46,286
Whatever unspeakable thing
you're doing back there can wait --
214
00:08:46,353 --> 00:08:48,354
- Well, you say that...
- Yes I do, and I just
215
00:08:48,423 --> 00:08:51,825
did, so come on, I need
you in the control room.
216
00:08:51,893 --> 00:08:53,760
Because they should
have checked in by now.
217
00:08:53,828 --> 00:08:56,129
So keep trying to reach them
on the sat-phone, and if that
218
00:08:56,196 --> 00:09:00,233
doesn't work try to get satellite
photos on the next pass.
219
00:09:00,301 --> 00:09:05,338
And not a word of this to
anyone, especially -- Lanaaa!
220
00:09:05,406 --> 00:09:08,074
I thought I heard
self-righteous clomping.
221
00:09:08,142 --> 00:09:09,042
Can I help you?
222
00:09:09,109 --> 00:09:11,411
Funny, I was just
gonna ask you that.
223
00:09:11,479 --> 00:09:12,646
No, we're fine.
224
00:09:12,713 --> 00:09:14,047
Aren't we, Krieger?
225
00:09:14,114 --> 00:09:14,948
Yes?
226
00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:16,917
So, the mission?
227
00:09:16,984 --> 00:09:17,951
Going as planned?
228
00:09:18,018 --> 00:09:21,287
Yes, as a matter of fact
they just this minute checked in.
229
00:09:21,355 --> 00:09:22,689
All good.
230
00:09:22,757 --> 00:09:25,224
Uh-huh.
231
00:09:25,292 --> 00:09:26,259
"Uh-huh."
232
00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:31,431
Ugh, have you ever heard such
a superior, know-it-all tone?
233
00:09:31,499 --> 00:09:33,232
Oh, you're serious?
234
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,100
Yes!
235
00:09:34,168 --> 00:09:35,101
- No!
- Cyril!
236
00:09:35,169 --> 00:09:40,373
I can't move, Archer's... Oh.
Well, very nearly dead, so --
237
00:09:40,441 --> 00:09:42,208
I'm not calling for an extraction!
238
00:09:42,276 --> 00:09:44,511
Look, just because
Lana makes you feel insecure in
239
00:09:44,579 --> 00:09:47,146
your masculinity --
Mascu -- look who's talking!
240
00:09:47,214 --> 00:09:50,917
Oh for -- Cyril, when I
was ten years old I killed a bear.
241
00:09:50,985 --> 00:09:52,786
Nuh-uh... really?
242
00:09:52,854 --> 00:09:54,087
With a bow.
243
00:09:54,154 --> 00:09:56,990
And then Daddy made me take a
big ol' bite out of its heart.
244
00:09:57,057 --> 00:09:58,257
Oh my God!
245
00:09:58,325 --> 00:09:59,860
That is... horrible!
246
00:09:59,927 --> 00:10:02,428
No shit, I was
bawling my eyes out.
247
00:10:02,497 --> 00:10:04,831
But he kept slapping me until I did it.
248
00:10:04,899 --> 00:10:07,333
- Jesus...
- Seriously.
249
00:10:07,401 --> 00:10:09,035
No wonder you're gay.
250
00:10:09,103 --> 00:10:13,339
And Cyril if you call ISIS, I will
literally literally, murder you alright.
251
00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:19,245
I'd rather die than sit through another
one of Lana's big "I told you so's."
252
00:10:19,313 --> 00:10:20,473
At least you get to bang her.
253
00:10:20,481 --> 00:10:22,148
Well, you seem
to be feeling better.
254
00:10:22,216 --> 00:10:23,416
Hang on.
255
00:10:23,484 --> 00:10:30,223
Gay-vy Crockett, boom, nailed it.
256
00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:32,058
But no, I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
257
00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:34,728
So since you're too pussy
to call for an extraction...
258
00:10:34,795 --> 00:10:36,095
I'm digging, I'm digging!
259
00:10:36,163 --> 00:10:37,163
Well wait, hang on.
260
00:10:37,231 --> 00:10:40,567
Because unless I'm hallucinating...
There's a Landcruiser over there
261
00:10:40,635 --> 00:10:43,302
flipping his highbeams at us.
262
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:45,071
You're hallucinating.
263
00:10:45,139 --> 00:10:45,839
Oh.
264
00:10:45,907 --> 00:10:50,010
Well the good news is, we don't have
to worry about these alligators.
265
00:10:50,077 --> 00:10:52,345
That's not actually good news, is it.
266
00:10:52,413 --> 00:10:53,112
No.
267
00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:55,448
No it is not.
268
00:10:55,516 --> 00:10:58,552
Okay... later, gator!
269
00:11:01,956 --> 00:11:05,759
No no no no no,
what is the meaning of this?!
270
00:11:05,826 --> 00:11:07,460
I'm sorry, James Mason!
271
00:11:07,528 --> 00:11:09,996
But he just won't stop
tooting that darn tooter!
272
00:11:10,064 --> 00:11:13,232
Mr. Archer, I'm
afraid I must ask you to cease
273
00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:17,604
your insufferable tooting--
This instant.
274
00:11:17,672 --> 00:11:18,538
Fine by me.
275
00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:19,606
I hate opera.
276
00:11:19,674 --> 00:11:22,609
Almost as much as I hate hoodies,
what the hell's going on here?
277
00:11:22,677 --> 00:11:24,911
Oh no, not hell,
Mr. Archer, this is --
278
00:11:24,979 --> 00:11:26,613
Hey. Cut-rate James Mason.
279
00:11:26,681 --> 00:11:28,982
I got kicked out of
Episcopal prep school.
280
00:11:29,050 --> 00:11:29,649
Twice.
281
00:11:29,717 --> 00:11:33,687
So if there is a heaven --
Oh, I'm sorry, nor is this heaven.
282
00:11:33,754 --> 00:11:36,723
Well no, obviously it's not heaven --
No, it's a --
283
00:11:36,791 --> 00:11:39,392
-- because Janis Joplin's
not giving me a rim job.
284
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:41,527
Way station,
I beg your pardon?
285
00:11:41,596 --> 00:11:43,063
Right?
286
00:11:43,130 --> 00:11:45,431
Sorry, a cobra bit my taint.
287
00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:47,100
- Yes.
- I'm not myself.
288
00:11:47,101 --> 00:11:48,201
Aren't you?
289
00:11:48,268 --> 00:11:49,235
Are I?
290
00:11:49,303 --> 00:11:51,004
Are you, indeed.
291
00:11:51,072 --> 00:11:54,975
Would you like to know who
Sterling Archer really is?
292
00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:56,142
No?
293
00:11:56,210 --> 00:11:57,110
Why not?
294
00:11:57,177 --> 00:12:00,614
Why won't you guys stand up to Malory
with me about blowing up the pipeline?
295
00:12:00,681 --> 00:12:03,717
Mmmmmmmmmmmcuz we don't give a shit?
296
00:12:03,784 --> 00:12:05,151
About the earth?!
297
00:12:05,219 --> 00:12:07,921
Oh please, if you
really cared you'd resign, but
298
00:12:07,989 --> 00:12:10,657
there's no way you ever will
because you're just counting
299
00:12:10,725 --> 00:12:14,360
the days until, her face bloated
and yellow from liver failure,
300
00:12:14,428 --> 00:12:17,296
she calls you to her deathbed
and, in a croaky whisper,
301
00:12:17,364 --> 00:12:19,733
explains that Mr. Archer is
totally incompetent and that
302
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,035
you, the long-suffering
Lana Kane, are the only one
303
00:12:22,103 --> 00:12:24,871
qualified to run ISIS, and you
weep shameful tears, because
304
00:12:24,939 --> 00:12:31,477
you know this terrible place is the
only true love you will ever know.
305
00:12:31,545 --> 00:12:33,479
Excuse me.
306
00:12:33,547 --> 00:12:36,049
- Daaamn...
- What?
307
00:12:36,117 --> 00:12:39,953
Oh my God, was I talking?
308
00:12:40,021 --> 00:12:43,156
Who the... hell is he...
talking to?
309
00:12:43,223 --> 00:12:45,792
- James Mason...
- Oh.
310
00:12:45,860 --> 00:12:47,127
Maybe that's his Lorne Greene.
311
00:12:47,194 --> 00:12:50,864
James Mason, why
are we in Baltimore?!
312
00:12:50,931 --> 00:12:53,066
I thought you might
like some insight into how you
313
00:12:53,134 --> 00:12:54,634
became the man you are.
314
00:12:54,702 --> 00:12:55,702
No, I would absolutely
315
00:12:55,770 --> 00:12:56,335
not like some --
316
00:12:56,403 --> 00:12:57,570
Sterling Archer,
age eighteen..
317
00:12:57,638 --> 00:13:01,975
The most recruited
prep school lacrosse player in America...
318
00:13:02,043 --> 00:13:06,146
Visiting
Baltimore for the weekend, to decide if
319
00:13:06,213 --> 00:13:09,515
he will accept a full athletic
scholarship to Johns Hopkins.
320
00:13:09,583 --> 00:13:11,551
Whooooo!
321
00:13:11,618 --> 00:13:14,387
- Yeah, so we don't need to see how...
- At a stop on the
322
00:13:14,454 --> 00:13:17,390
train ride from New York you
struck out the major league
323
00:13:17,457 --> 00:13:20,727
homerun champion, Slammer Sloan.
324
00:13:20,795 --> 00:13:22,662
Whooooo!
325
00:13:22,730 --> 00:13:26,532
Well obviously, I was awesome, but I--
Drew the attention
326
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:31,705
of a beautiful woman named
Ruth Ann Litzenberger... Qui �tait, vraiment,
327
00:13:31,772 --> 00:13:33,606
une femme fatale.
328
00:13:33,674 --> 00:13:37,543
And who followed you here, to
this very hotel in Baltimore,
329
00:13:37,611 --> 00:13:42,615
- and sent you a note, to come to her room...
- Look, seriously -- Woooooo!
330
00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:46,552
Wait, how did you know I was
staying -- What's going on here?
331
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:48,254
Sterling?
332
00:13:48,322 --> 00:13:52,525
Will you be the best there
ever was in the game?
333
00:13:52,593 --> 00:13:53,392
Wh-?!
334
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:54,781
- Uh...
- Noooo!
335
00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:55,929
Duh.
336
00:14:03,804 --> 00:14:09,042
Yeah, sooo... I don't know if
you're deaf or just an asshole or both,
337
00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:11,811
but I'm pretty sure I said
I didn't wanna see this.
338
00:14:11,879 --> 00:14:14,547
But Sterling, do
you not see how the actions of
339
00:14:14,615 --> 00:14:18,651
a deeply disturbed woman have
profoundly influenced your life?
340
00:14:18,719 --> 00:14:19,853
Well obviously!
341
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,923
I mean -- Oh, you mean my lacrosse
career ending because a crazy stalker
342
00:14:23,991 --> 00:14:25,225
gut-shot me.
343
00:14:25,292 --> 00:14:26,292
Do I?
344
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,062
I don't know, James Mason!
Do you?!
345
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:31,731
Besides, what freakin' movie is this?
346
00:14:31,799 --> 00:14:34,167
What's next, Mr. Gower slaps me deaf?!
347
00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:36,002
C'mon, you're all over the road here!
348
00:14:36,070 --> 00:14:36,469
Well?!
349
00:14:36,536 --> 00:14:37,637
Well what?!
350
00:14:37,704 --> 00:14:38,984
I'm doing the best I can!
351
00:14:39,039 --> 00:14:41,574
If that's the
best you can do -- gaagh!
352
00:14:41,642 --> 00:14:42,475
Just kill your -- gaagh!
353
00:14:42,542 --> 00:14:44,778
Wh-?
354
00:14:44,845 --> 00:14:46,246
Are you bouncing on purpose?!
355
00:14:46,313 --> 00:14:49,249
No, I'm trying to get
Archer to whatever passes for a
356
00:14:49,316 --> 00:14:51,417
doctor around here before it's too late!
357
00:14:51,485 --> 00:14:54,053
Sounds like a plan, James Mason.
358
00:14:54,121 --> 00:14:58,524
And maybe if you shut up I can
concentrate on the rowaaaghhhhh!
359
00:14:58,592 --> 00:14:59,793
Gaagh!
360
00:14:59,860 --> 00:15:01,527
What the shit was that?!
361
00:15:01,595 --> 00:15:02,862
A camel.
362
00:15:02,930 --> 00:15:05,464
Well great, now we've
both killed a large animal!
363
00:15:05,532 --> 00:15:06,632
Drive around it!
364
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:10,270
I, uh... don't
think that's an option.
365
00:15:14,175 --> 00:15:19,946
Hey check it out, Fred and Barney,
we're at the Water Buffalo Lodge!
366
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,817
Krieger, any word from Sterling?
367
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:27,418
Yep!
368
00:15:27,486 --> 00:15:28,552
Yep yep yep!
369
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:29,987
Well?
What did they say?
370
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,189
Oh.
I mean nope. Nope nope nope.
371
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,559
But, ya know,
I'm sure they're fine.
372
00:15:35,627 --> 00:15:36,627
Wait, no!
373
00:15:36,694 --> 00:15:37,828
I had the right of way!
374
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:38,629
Gaagh!
375
00:15:38,696 --> 00:15:41,098
Seriously, I get that
you're upset but I think I have
376
00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:44,235
a pinched nnngghhh!
377
00:15:44,302 --> 00:15:45,136
Gaaagh!
378
00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:46,437
Now just a darn minute!
379
00:15:46,505 --> 00:15:51,408
- We're Americ -- Hello...
- Yeah.
380
00:15:51,476 --> 00:15:52,876
Way to not call it in.
381
00:15:52,944 --> 00:15:54,011
I beg your pardon?
382
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,179
Yeah, you should.
383
00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:56,480
And I'm outta here.
384
00:15:56,548 --> 00:15:58,315
I'm afraid
that isn't possible.
385
00:15:58,383 --> 00:15:59,150
Oh really?
386
00:15:59,217 --> 00:16:00,684
And why is --
Comin through!
387
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:01,619
C'mon, make a hole!
388
00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:03,120
Phrasing, boom.
389
00:16:03,188 --> 00:16:04,288
Boom.
390
00:16:04,356 --> 00:16:06,290
Scholarship to Johns Hopkins.
391
00:16:06,358 --> 00:16:07,039
Mmm.
392
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:12,129
Bit of a moot point though,
really, given your SAT scores.
393
00:16:12,197 --> 00:16:13,357
Goodbye, James Mason.
394
00:16:13,365 --> 00:16:15,766
No, you -- Mr. Archer, wait!
395
00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:16,634
Please, here!
396
00:16:16,635 --> 00:16:21,172
Here's forty-three hundred dollars,
surely that's enough for a camel.
397
00:16:21,239 --> 00:16:24,475
Ah, baksheesh!
398
00:16:24,543 --> 00:16:29,079
Baksheesh, exactly, but our friend...
okay, snake is...
399
00:16:29,147 --> 00:16:35,018
oh, okay, so "Our friend was bitten
by a snake" is... Ozum jora?
400
00:16:35,086 --> 00:16:38,322
Bishlemek gurpgork?
401
00:16:38,390 --> 00:16:41,858
Etmek bishlemek gurpgork.
402
00:16:41,926 --> 00:16:42,426
Wh-?
403
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:43,927
No, no!
404
00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,696
I mean... Yok,yok.
405
00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:47,064
No, no!
406
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,732
Mr. Archer, please!
407
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,034
You please, cut-rate James Mason!
408
00:16:51,102 --> 00:16:55,839
- And then shut up, because I'm going...
- Home.
409
00:16:55,907 --> 00:16:57,541
Goddammit.
410
00:16:57,609 --> 00:16:58,975
Or... what is it?
411
00:16:59,043 --> 00:17:00,077
Gurpgork!
412
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,111
Ah!
413
00:17:01,179 --> 00:17:03,380
Gowushmak eshek gurpgork!
414
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:03,780
Wh-?
415
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:04,348
No!
416
00:17:04,349 --> 00:17:05,015
Yok!
417
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:07,651
Not that Gurpgork!
418
00:17:07,719 --> 00:17:09,753
Rawr, rawr!
419
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:10,821
Ah, Gurpgork!
420
00:17:10,888 --> 00:17:12,556
Patysha alabai!
421
00:17:12,624 --> 00:17:14,989
Ah, Gurpgork!
Hawa hawa! Gurpgork!
422
00:17:15,193 --> 00:17:16,727
Gurpgork.
423
00:17:16,794 --> 00:17:19,274
How's it the same word
for bread and snake and Friday
424
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:20,497
and that damn dog?!
425
00:17:20,565 --> 00:17:22,233
How the hell should I know?!
426
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:26,069
Because you have an entire satellite
array at your disposal, you idiot!
427
00:17:26,137 --> 00:17:28,639
Yeah, I don't actually
know how any of this works.
428
00:17:28,707 --> 00:17:31,141
But --
That was the fat guy, you killed.
429
00:17:31,209 --> 00:17:33,377
Oh, and just so you know?
430
00:17:33,445 --> 00:17:40,351
I do know what true love is, so... yeah.
431
00:17:40,418 --> 00:17:42,919
What in God's
name was that about?
432
00:17:42,987 --> 00:17:46,457
She'd probably ruin the wedding.
433
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,359
Come on, what the hell is this?
434
00:17:48,426 --> 00:17:50,127
I thought you'd
like to see something.
435
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:54,097
I've seen poverty, I've been to...
oh, how's it going in Turkmenistan?
436
00:17:54,165 --> 00:17:56,032
Mmmmm, not great.
437
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,401
TURKMENI
438
00:17:57,469 --> 00:17:59,303
Cyril, just draw a snake!
439
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:00,103
Oh right.
440
00:18:00,171 --> 00:18:04,575
Okay, uh... doo doo doo...
elliptical head, oblique dorsal
441
00:18:04,643 --> 00:18:10,314
scales, symmetric sub-caudal scalation,
darker ventral bands, obviously...
442
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:16,186
okay, here we go.
443
00:18:16,254 --> 00:18:16,953
Wh-?
444
00:18:17,021 --> 00:18:18,422
What is wrong with you people?!
445
00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:22,926
What's wrong with you?
Gimme that!
446
00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:24,361
Here! Tada. A Snake!
447
00:18:24,429 --> 00:18:26,430
- Oh that's crap...
- TURKMENI
448
00:18:26,498 --> 00:18:28,999
Gurpgork?!
Dishlemek gurpgork?!
449
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:33,003
I -- wanna say duh, but...
- What's the point?
450
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:36,740
C'mon, this is stupid, I don't
need to see this, I remember all of it.
451
00:18:36,808 --> 00:18:38,742
Do you?
452
00:18:38,810 --> 00:18:43,414
- Yeah...
- Yeah I mean, that's me, I'm like... Six.
453
00:18:43,481 --> 00:18:45,849
I'm six today, it's my birthday.
454
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,797
And your
Mother isn't home, is she?
455
00:18:47,819 --> 00:18:51,288
No, she had to -- look,
Guatemala's democratically
456
00:18:51,356 --> 00:18:53,957
elected government wasn't
gonna overthrow itself.
457
00:18:54,025 --> 00:18:54,725
Mmm.
458
00:18:54,793 --> 00:18:55,826
And with Woodhouse, shall we
459
00:18:55,893 --> 00:18:57,594
say, indisposed...
460
00:19:00,498 --> 00:19:02,933
There was no one
to give you a birthday present.
461
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:07,504
- I... wait, no, yeah, I got...
- Derman!
462
00:19:07,572 --> 00:19:09,306
Derman gurpgork!
463
00:19:09,374 --> 00:19:11,942
Derman gurpgork etmek!
464
00:19:12,009 --> 00:19:13,910
No, I don't think
he can keep bread down...
465
00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:16,947
No, I think it's--
Derman is medicine!
466
00:19:17,014 --> 00:19:18,515
Derman gurpgork!
467
00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:20,250
I think it's antivenom! Gimme!
468
00:19:20,318 --> 00:19:21,278
Yok, yok!
469
00:19:21,319 --> 00:19:23,220
Kop kop kop baksheesh.
470
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,155
Oh.
471
00:19:25,223 --> 00:19:27,491
He wants a lot lot lot of money.
472
00:19:27,559 --> 00:19:28,325
So?
473
00:19:28,393 --> 00:19:30,160
We've got ninety-five grand!
474
00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:32,128
But that's for the mission, to --
Blow up a
475
00:19:32,196 --> 00:19:33,697
frickin oil pipeline?
476
00:19:33,765 --> 00:19:34,965
Wait, really?
477
00:19:35,032 --> 00:19:38,402
Cyril, what did you think
she meant by "hinder construction?"
478
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:41,137
Oh.
479
00:19:41,205 --> 00:19:44,074
Do you ever think maybe we're
kinda not always a hundred
480
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,477
percent of the time
doing the right thing?
481
00:19:46,544 --> 00:19:48,584
Do you ever shut
up and give that man-bear
482
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:53,517
twenty-five grand so you and I
can split the other seventy?
483
00:19:53,585 --> 00:19:56,019
Yes, yes I do.
484
00:19:56,087 --> 00:20:00,257
I got a... yeah,
I got an alligator!
485
00:20:01,393 --> 00:20:02,459
Hello, Sterling.
486
00:20:02,527 --> 00:20:04,862
Your mother doesn't
know I'm here, but I wanted to
487
00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:06,797
bring you a birthday present.
488
00:20:06,865 --> 00:20:08,465
I hope you like alligators.
489
00:20:08,533 --> 00:20:10,754
- I do...
- I did...
490
00:20:10,874 --> 00:20:12,309
Thank you, sir.
491
00:20:12,771 --> 00:20:14,204
But... who are you?
492
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:17,608
Sterling, I...
am your real father.
493
00:20:22,113 --> 00:20:22,579
Archer?
494
00:20:22,647 --> 00:20:23,714
Buck Henry?
495
00:20:23,782 --> 00:20:26,269
Oh my God, Cyril! Ray! I know --
You're okay!
496
00:20:26,389 --> 00:20:28,205
Hey, we gave you the antivenom.
497
00:20:28,325 --> 00:20:29,647
Cyril, shut your dickhole.
498
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:30,625
Jesus, God.
499
00:20:30,745 --> 00:20:32,650
I know who my real father was.
500
00:20:32,870 --> 00:20:34,178
Well? Who was he?
501
00:20:34,298 --> 00:20:37,560
He...was...ugh...
502
00:20:39,189 --> 00:20:40,733
Now it's gone.
503
00:20:42,139 --> 00:20:43,127
God dammit.
504
00:20:43,616 --> 00:20:54,213
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
WEB DL sync by VeRdiKT www.addic7ed.com
505
00:20:54,263 --> 00:20:58,813
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