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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,693 Malory Archer. Ho. 2 00:00:05,869 --> 00:00:08,531 You get more beautiful every time I see you. 3 00:00:08,705 --> 00:00:10,696 - Oh-ho-ho, Gussy. - Minx. 4 00:00:10,874 --> 00:00:14,310 You'll be the death of me yet. But if I die... 5 00:00:14,478 --> 00:00:17,641 let it be with the name of this dusky jewel upon my lips. 6 00:00:17,814 --> 00:00:20,783 Lord Feltchley, may I present Miss Lana Kane? 7 00:00:20,951 --> 00:00:23,044 Yes, you bloody well may. 8 00:00:23,220 --> 00:00:24,983 LANA: So nice to, uh... Wow. 9 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,680 Okay, that's kidskin you're slobbering on, so... 10 00:00:27,858 --> 00:00:29,018 Okay. 11 00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:32,355 Wouldn't want to offend that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot? 12 00:00:32,529 --> 00:00:34,554 No offense taken, Your Lordship. 13 00:00:34,731 --> 00:00:36,665 Glad to hear it. Whoever you are. 14 00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,767 Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller. 15 00:00:38,935 --> 00:00:40,232 - And also my... - Boyfriend. 16 00:00:40,403 --> 00:00:41,893 - Person I'm dating. - No, he isn't. 17 00:00:42,072 --> 00:00:43,096 - We date. - No, you don't. 18 00:00:43,273 --> 00:00:44,900 - Ha. - No, no, no. 19 00:00:45,075 --> 00:00:48,567 Your man's a rakish chap. Air of mystery, chiseled good looks? 20 00:00:48,745 --> 00:00:51,543 - Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex? - Oh. 21 00:00:51,715 --> 00:00:54,013 - Archer. - Archer, exactly just. 22 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:57,620 And if memory serves, not only handsome, but also... 23 00:00:57,788 --> 00:00:59,153 ARCHER: A secret agent. 24 00:00:59,322 --> 00:01:00,346 [CRASHING] 25 00:01:00,524 --> 00:01:03,891 That's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that... 26 00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:07,325 but you have a certain thickness about you... 27 00:01:07,497 --> 00:01:09,021 that I very find appealing... 28 00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,429 [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I find your drunkenness very unappealing... 29 00:01:11,601 --> 00:01:13,694 I am drunk or I wouldn't be talking to you. 30 00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:17,397 - So if you'll please excuse me. - Hey, come on. Don't be like that. 31 00:01:17,574 --> 00:01:18,563 [CROWD CHATTERING] 32 00:01:18,742 --> 00:01:20,505 - Whoops. - Sterling, look out. 33 00:01:20,677 --> 00:01:23,737 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach. 34 00:01:23,914 --> 00:01:28,317 Free Irishmen will never bow down before the English crown. 35 00:01:28,919 --> 00:01:30,682 [TRAY CLATTERING] 36 00:01:30,854 --> 00:01:32,378 [CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING] 37 00:01:32,556 --> 00:01:34,114 Oh là là, Sterling Archer. 38 00:01:34,291 --> 00:01:35,588 ARCHER: That was totally ninja. 39 00:01:35,759 --> 00:01:36,987 [SPEAKS IN FRENCH] 40 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,821 Yeah, if you're... 41 00:01:38,995 --> 00:01:40,724 into that. Hmm? - Lana? 42 00:01:40,897 --> 00:01:43,127 - Hon? Hello? - Huh? Hey. 43 00:01:44,267 --> 00:01:46,929 - What's up, buddy? - Ugh. Nothing. 44 00:01:47,103 --> 00:01:48,661 Oh, dear. 45 00:01:48,839 --> 00:01:51,774 Good show, Archer. Really saved my bacon there. 46 00:01:51,942 --> 00:01:55,173 Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. 47 00:01:55,345 --> 00:01:58,405 - I love you, Santa Claus. - What? 48 00:01:59,583 --> 00:02:00,607 [CRIES] I do. 49 00:02:32,682 --> 00:02:34,547 Cyril, we've got big problems. 50 00:02:34,718 --> 00:02:36,185 Well, it may seem daunting now... 51 00:02:36,353 --> 00:02:39,720 but in the long run the HSA makes a lot more sense than flex accounts. 52 00:02:39,890 --> 00:02:41,790 I don't mean the health plan. 53 00:02:41,958 --> 00:02:44,654 Unless it covers Wandering Eye Syndrome. 54 00:02:44,828 --> 00:02:47,388 That depends on if that's a real thing. 55 00:02:47,564 --> 00:02:50,328 Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it. 56 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:51,933 - Wait, what? - Cyril, I know... 57 00:02:52,102 --> 00:02:54,502 you saw how she looked at Sterling last night. 58 00:02:54,671 --> 00:02:56,502 Well, I think she was just shaken up... 59 00:02:56,673 --> 00:02:58,106 Stirred up, Cyril. 60 00:02:58,275 --> 00:03:01,472 - In the loins. - You think her loins were stirring? 61 00:03:01,645 --> 00:03:05,308 - Lf not frothing. - Frothing? Great. What should I do? 62 00:03:05,482 --> 00:03:10,977 We should make you into someone for whom Lana's loins get equally frothy. 63 00:03:11,154 --> 00:03:14,146 And how exactly would we do that? 64 00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,554 She's obviously attracted to men of danger. 65 00:03:16,726 --> 00:03:17,818 - Like Archer. - Exactly. 66 00:03:17,994 --> 00:03:21,054 - The perfect field agent. - Who better to train you to become one? 67 00:03:21,231 --> 00:03:23,222 Archer train me? To be a field agent? 68 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,594 He's already been briefed. 69 00:03:24,768 --> 00:03:28,169 But only on the "what," mind you, not the "why." 70 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,499 No sense telling him it's about Lana... 71 00:03:30,674 --> 00:03:32,369 - Boy, wait till I tell her. - No. 72 00:03:32,542 --> 00:03:36,410 Cyril. Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little... 73 00:03:36,579 --> 00:03:39,275 plan. - Right. I think. Oh. 74 00:03:39,449 --> 00:03:41,440 - But about plans: Health plan switchover? - Cyril. 75 00:03:41,618 --> 00:03:44,052 I'll take care of whatever that is. 76 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:46,620 You just concentrate on your training. 77 00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:50,385 - And Archer's really okay with this? - Oh, not at all. 78 00:03:50,827 --> 00:03:53,591 Which is just gravy. 79 00:03:53,763 --> 00:03:56,891 No, I just let mother think that because I know what she's up to... 80 00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:58,967 vis-à-vis Cyril and Lana and me. 81 00:03:59,135 --> 00:04:01,535 And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. 82 00:04:01,705 --> 00:04:04,071 Trust me, Mother's idea of horizon-broadening... 83 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,537 is a lot of fights... 84 00:04:05,709 --> 00:04:08,269 walking home from a lot of jazz-tap lessons. 85 00:04:11,047 --> 00:04:13,277 I so enjoy our talks. You got them? 86 00:04:14,784 --> 00:04:16,308 They're loaded and ready to go? 87 00:04:17,654 --> 00:04:20,623 Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah. 88 00:04:20,790 --> 00:04:23,918 So obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but... 89 00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:25,391 CYRIL: But your mother is, so... 90 00:04:25,562 --> 00:04:26,961 But I wonder what Lana thinks? 91 00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:29,792 Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this. 92 00:04:29,966 --> 00:04:32,730 Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh? 93 00:04:32,902 --> 00:04:35,928 I'm sure it's not the first time you kept a secret from Lana. 94 00:04:36,106 --> 00:04:37,835 Uh... Hello. Herpes? 95 00:04:38,008 --> 00:04:39,942 - You gave Lana herpes? ARCHER: Ahem. 96 00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:41,634 - Hello, Cheryl. - It's Carol. 97 00:04:41,811 --> 00:04:43,073 What? Since when? 98 00:04:43,246 --> 00:04:46,272 Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol. 99 00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:48,110 Wow, that's... 100 00:04:48,284 --> 00:04:50,252 - Excuse us. - Ugh. 101 00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,615 Okay, now what is this herpes business? 102 00:04:52,789 --> 00:04:54,757 Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm. 103 00:04:54,924 --> 00:04:57,791 - Lesson one, get used to that. - Should I be writing this down? 104 00:04:57,961 --> 00:05:01,124 No. Never leave a paper trail. That's lesson one. 105 00:05:01,297 --> 00:05:02,787 - So ditch this. - Hey, that's... 106 00:05:02,966 --> 00:05:05,434 CHERYL: Ow! Jesus. - My dead mom's pen. 107 00:05:05,602 --> 00:05:09,231 Cyril did that. This is what a real field agent uses. 108 00:05:09,406 --> 00:05:10,998 Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer. 109 00:05:11,174 --> 00:05:13,506 - That's because it's a hypodermic needle... - What? 110 00:05:13,676 --> 00:05:16,645 And the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called... 111 00:05:16,813 --> 00:05:18,644 Poizocaine. 112 00:05:18,815 --> 00:05:20,578 - Here. Keep it in here. - Uh... Hey, whoa. 113 00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:22,684 - Wait a minute. - But be careful. 114 00:05:22,852 --> 00:05:25,320 The cap slips off for, like, no reason. 115 00:05:25,488 --> 00:05:26,853 [HUMMING] 116 00:05:27,023 --> 00:05:28,547 Beep, beep, beep. 117 00:05:28,725 --> 00:05:30,386 Oh, you giving me the truck noise... 118 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,961 Karen Carpenter's stunt double? - I thought you were walking backwards. 119 00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:35,961 It's all the HSA switchover crap. 120 00:05:36,132 --> 00:05:39,363 I'm so over that lame flex account. When does the HSA start? 121 00:05:39,536 --> 00:05:41,868 When Cyril e-files these DD-14s. 122 00:05:42,038 --> 00:05:44,302 - Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those. - What? 123 00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,965 Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer. 124 00:05:47,143 --> 00:05:49,634 I'm sorry, Cyril's off what? With whom? 125 00:05:49,813 --> 00:05:51,838 I think "somewhere" was the "what" there. 126 00:05:52,015 --> 00:05:54,984 - "Mr. Archer" was the "whom." - Worlds collide, huh? 127 00:05:55,151 --> 00:05:57,051 Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater. 128 00:05:57,220 --> 00:06:00,849 - Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black. - Ugh. 129 00:06:01,024 --> 00:06:04,551 Did she just race-card me, or are you totally just gay for her? 130 00:06:04,727 --> 00:06:09,221 I'm the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment. 131 00:06:09,399 --> 00:06:10,923 [WHISPERING] She is riddled with herpes. 132 00:06:11,101 --> 00:06:14,593 Hey. Inappropriate workplace topic. 133 00:06:14,771 --> 00:06:16,739 And also a dealbreaker. 134 00:06:16,906 --> 00:06:18,931 - Lesson one: Human intel... - Oh, shoot. 135 00:06:19,109 --> 00:06:21,373 - I forgot about the DD-14s. - Screw them. 136 00:06:21,544 --> 00:06:22,704 That's Mother's headache. 137 00:06:22,879 --> 00:06:25,780 You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic? 138 00:06:25,949 --> 00:06:29,282 - Jesus Jones, yes. - So when I asked for cucumber slices... 139 00:06:29,452 --> 00:06:31,716 which one of you idiots sent up zucchini? 140 00:06:31,888 --> 00:06:35,051 - That, well, that would be... - That would be Jane who did that. 141 00:06:35,225 --> 00:06:38,126 - Scatterbrain Jane? - I know, she's just a mess. 142 00:06:38,294 --> 00:06:40,455 - Because this is obviously zucchini. MALORY: Oh. 143 00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:44,464 You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich. 144 00:06:44,634 --> 00:06:46,465 What's that supposed to mean? 145 00:06:47,604 --> 00:06:49,629 That is Pam, isn't it? 146 00:06:49,806 --> 00:06:52,297 Okay, so, human intelligence entails? 147 00:06:52,475 --> 00:06:56,070 Well, there's false flags, dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs... 148 00:06:56,246 --> 00:06:58,942 active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles... 149 00:06:59,115 --> 00:07:01,447 the often under-appreciated honeypot? 150 00:07:01,618 --> 00:07:02,642 - Wow. - One of my favorites. 151 00:07:02,819 --> 00:07:06,220 - That sounds like a lot to cover. - Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... 152 00:07:06,389 --> 00:07:08,084 almost all of it, but... 153 00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:10,351 - Aah! - Weapon. 154 00:07:10,527 --> 00:07:11,653 Oh. 155 00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:13,056 - Oh, hey hon. - Hey back. 156 00:07:13,229 --> 00:07:14,423 - Hello. - What's... 157 00:07:14,597 --> 00:07:16,326 - What's this? - Well, see... 158 00:07:16,499 --> 00:07:17,557 here's the thing... 159 00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:21,170 MALORY: Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little... 160 00:07:21,337 --> 00:07:22,736 ... plan. 161 00:07:22,906 --> 00:07:24,168 - Here's what thing? - Okay. 162 00:07:24,340 --> 00:07:25,432 - Archer's DD-14. - Yeah. 163 00:07:25,608 --> 00:07:28,099 That we're on our way down to clear up with Jane. 164 00:07:28,278 --> 00:07:29,506 - Really? - Well... 165 00:07:29,679 --> 00:07:31,271 you know Scatterbrain Jane. Heh-heh. 166 00:07:31,447 --> 00:07:33,312 - You're cooking dinner later? - Yes, I am. 167 00:07:33,483 --> 00:07:34,745 - Yeah. - Yeah. 168 00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:36,852 Speargun? 169 00:07:37,187 --> 00:07:40,122 - Oh. I can't believe I just did that. - Yeah, dunce. 170 00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:41,621 Now Jane's a loose end. 171 00:07:42,458 --> 00:07:44,551 Hey, Jane. 172 00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:46,695 You getting a snack? 173 00:07:46,863 --> 00:07:49,764 Keep your story vague. That's lesson one. 174 00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:53,300 But, I mean, morality aside, how do you keep track of all these lies? 175 00:07:53,469 --> 00:07:58,463 Practice, Cyril. Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do. 176 00:07:58,641 --> 00:07:59,801 - In your job. - Sure. 177 00:07:59,976 --> 00:08:02,240 It was pretty cool how you handled that speargun. 178 00:08:02,412 --> 00:08:04,972 - Yeah, it was pretty cool. - Will I get to learn karate? 179 00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:07,639 Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? 180 00:08:07,817 --> 00:08:10,479 - No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga. - Krav? 181 00:08:10,653 --> 00:08:12,917 We've got an ex-Mossad guy, he comes in Thursdays. 182 00:08:13,089 --> 00:08:16,388 - Neat. - Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class. 183 00:08:16,559 --> 00:08:19,722 - So will I need sweatpants? - Cyril. You need all new clothes. 184 00:08:19,896 --> 00:08:21,227 What's wrong with these? 185 00:08:21,397 --> 00:08:22,830 [LAUGHS] 186 00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:26,292 Sorry. 187 00:08:26,769 --> 00:08:28,430 Oh. 188 00:08:28,605 --> 00:08:30,573 I was laughing at your clothes. 189 00:08:33,343 --> 00:08:37,404 Wow, Archer, you were right. A tailored suit hangs so much better. 190 00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:39,673 ARCHER: That's because Woodhouse is a genius. 191 00:08:39,849 --> 00:08:42,841 Like so many other geniuses, unappreciated in his life... 192 00:08:43,019 --> 00:08:44,509 ARCHER: Shut up and hem, you old fruit. 193 00:08:44,687 --> 00:08:48,521 - Speaking of fruit, sir. - Oh, sorry. Heh-heh. 194 00:08:48,691 --> 00:08:51,455 - Cyril, check this out. CYRIL: Watch yourself. 195 00:08:52,161 --> 00:08:54,755 - Really? - Don't make it weird. It's your friend. 196 00:08:54,931 --> 00:08:57,161 - And so's this baby. CYRIL: Jeezy Petes. 197 00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:58,960 It's a Chekhov. Russian-made. 198 00:08:59,135 --> 00:09:02,036 - .25 caliber. - When would you use an underwear-gun? 199 00:09:02,205 --> 00:09:04,332 Hopefully never. But say you're... 200 00:09:04,507 --> 00:09:07,032 in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kind of high. 201 00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:09,440 An exotic woman on the bed... 202 00:09:09,612 --> 00:09:12,672 now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? 203 00:09:12,849 --> 00:09:14,976 - Or is she an assassin? - I don't know. I... 204 00:09:15,151 --> 00:09:16,175 [DOORBELL RINGS] 205 00:09:16,352 --> 00:09:18,343 ARCHER: Here's room service. Who ordered champagne? 206 00:09:18,521 --> 00:09:19,852 CYRIL: How should I know. ARCHER: Exactly. 207 00:09:20,023 --> 00:09:21,354 You're baked, can't remember. 208 00:09:21,524 --> 00:09:24,288 Since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys... 209 00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,860 to deliver one bottle of champagne? CYRIL: Oh. 210 00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:29,191 - Because they're assassins too. - Or... 211 00:09:29,365 --> 00:09:32,232 Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him... 212 00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:35,929 and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC. 213 00:09:36,105 --> 00:09:37,697 Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen. 214 00:09:37,874 --> 00:09:40,434 Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... 215 00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:42,703 nobody's gonna bug you for a tip. Here. 216 00:09:42,879 --> 00:09:45,245 - It's a gift. - Thanks, wow, that's slippery. 217 00:09:45,415 --> 00:09:49,010 And the safety's off so be careful, it could go off for, like... 218 00:09:49,185 --> 00:09:50,243 no reason. 219 00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,217 Now what're these pills? 220 00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:55,118 Oh, just antihistamines mostly. 221 00:09:55,291 --> 00:09:59,250 You just rest, Ms. Archer. We'll take care of these DD-14s for you. 222 00:09:59,429 --> 00:10:02,296 Damn right you will. Idiot. 223 00:10:02,465 --> 00:10:04,092 Pam, look at this. 224 00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:06,895 - Holy shitsnacks. - We have snacks? 225 00:10:07,070 --> 00:10:08,799 Everybody's personal medical records. 226 00:10:08,971 --> 00:10:11,405 - No, we can't be looking at this. MALORY: Are there snacks? 227 00:10:11,574 --> 00:10:12,802 It's totally confidential. 228 00:10:12,975 --> 00:10:14,704 It totally should be. Look at this. 229 00:10:14,877 --> 00:10:15,901 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 230 00:10:16,079 --> 00:10:19,640 Cyril tried to get his plan to cover a penis ensmallment? 231 00:10:19,816 --> 00:10:23,343 - Who'd have thunk it? - I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty. 232 00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:24,816 - You bet she does what? - Oh! 233 00:10:24,987 --> 00:10:26,284 I bet she, uh... Oh. 234 00:10:26,456 --> 00:10:28,424 - I got nothing. - That's what I thought. 235 00:10:28,591 --> 00:10:30,320 - You seen Cyril? MALORY: Is that Lana? 236 00:10:30,493 --> 00:10:32,051 Wow. What happened to you? 237 00:10:32,228 --> 00:10:35,425 Scatterbrain Jane, but let me just tell you, okay? 238 00:10:35,598 --> 00:10:37,896 You should be thankful you have Cyril. 239 00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,762 - Well... - For about 12 reasons. 240 00:10:39,936 --> 00:10:41,301 Well, thank you, Malory. 241 00:10:41,471 --> 00:10:43,496 But if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep... 242 00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:47,200 my personal affairs out of the office. - Oh, please. 243 00:10:47,377 --> 00:10:50,039 She's had more pens in that company ink than... 244 00:10:50,213 --> 00:10:52,443 a pen store. CHERYL: And yet... 245 00:10:53,616 --> 00:10:54,844 does not have herpes. 246 00:10:55,017 --> 00:10:58,976 - Dealunbreaker. - Ugh. 247 00:10:59,155 --> 00:11:01,715 What's the matter, baby? Afraid you'll catch something? 248 00:11:01,891 --> 00:11:05,292 No, it's not that. I've just never been this close to a... 249 00:11:05,461 --> 00:11:07,486 Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril. 250 00:11:07,663 --> 00:11:09,460 Trinette takes pride in her work. 251 00:11:09,632 --> 00:11:10,724 - I really do. - Okay. 252 00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,299 - So come on budge in. - Uhn. 253 00:11:12,468 --> 00:11:15,164 - Gosh, yeah. - Now that's not so bad, is it? 254 00:11:15,338 --> 00:11:17,465 - Ha-ha-ha. - No. That feels pretty good. 255 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,632 - I can tell. You are gifted. - Okay. 256 00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,142 - God, it's just his gun, Trinette. CYRIL: Sorry. 257 00:11:23,312 --> 00:11:24,904 Bet this seems pretty weird. 258 00:11:25,081 --> 00:11:27,549 Oh, please. The sick shit I've done in this apartment? 259 00:11:27,717 --> 00:11:29,776 - Okay. - And that wasn't all gun, neither. 260 00:11:29,952 --> 00:11:31,044 Ha-ha. No, ma'am. 261 00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:34,747 Hey, can you two focus? Please? Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what? 262 00:11:34,924 --> 00:11:38,758 Yes, quite ready sir. Though not entirely willing. 263 00:11:38,928 --> 00:11:42,159 - Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either... - Could have fooled me. 264 00:11:42,331 --> 00:11:43,355 ARCHER: Hey. - Oh, Trinette. 265 00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:45,364 It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing... 266 00:11:45,535 --> 00:11:48,766 then your trained field agent eyes spot two threats. 267 00:11:48,938 --> 00:11:51,372 But they're not trained. We haven't done this yet. 268 00:11:51,541 --> 00:11:53,338 This is how you train them. So. 269 00:11:53,509 --> 00:11:56,137 - You spot your first threat. Woodhouse. - Ooh. Hoo. 270 00:11:56,312 --> 00:11:57,711 - My knees aren't... - Bam, bam, bam. 271 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,106 You put him down. But just shoot the pad, not Woodhouse. 272 00:12:01,284 --> 00:12:02,945 - Like, actually shoot the gun? ARCHER: Then. 273 00:12:03,119 --> 00:12:05,383 How else are you gonna learn? Okay, he's down... 274 00:12:05,555 --> 00:12:07,819 just the pad. Then you see the second threat. 275 00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:10,458 Oh, no, you're out of ammo. What are you gonna do? 276 00:12:10,626 --> 00:12:12,287 Oh, that's where the turn comes in? 277 00:12:12,462 --> 00:12:14,054 Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position. 278 00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:16,027 I really need a better health plan. 279 00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:20,260 Shut up. Weapon is hot and live fire exercise... 280 00:12:20,436 --> 00:12:22,927 in five, six, seven, eight. 281 00:12:23,806 --> 00:12:27,708 Tango, tango, tango. Scan the ballroom of the Cuban embassy... 282 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,936 for the agent you're supposed to meet. 283 00:12:30,112 --> 00:12:32,945 You're just some Canadian dude down here on business... 284 00:12:33,115 --> 00:12:35,549 and threat. Woodhouse. - Yes. 285 00:12:35,718 --> 00:12:37,276 - Cyril. Shoot. - Oh, oh. 286 00:12:37,453 --> 00:12:39,887 - Aah! - Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake. 287 00:12:40,056 --> 00:12:43,025 - Oh! Take that, forces of evil. - Heh. Ooh. 288 00:12:43,459 --> 00:12:45,654 - Whoa. - Way to go, baby. You hit it. 289 00:12:45,828 --> 00:12:48,126 Yeah. I did, didn't I? 290 00:12:48,297 --> 00:12:50,128 - Second threat. - Oh. Right, I forgot about... 291 00:12:50,299 --> 00:12:51,789 - Second threat. CYRIL: Jesus. 292 00:12:52,301 --> 00:12:54,963 - Ow! Christ on sale. CYRIL: Jesus. 293 00:12:55,137 --> 00:12:57,264 Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja. 294 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,307 No, Archer. That was totally uncool. 295 00:13:00,476 --> 00:13:01,966 Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt? 296 00:13:02,144 --> 00:13:04,977 Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot. It's ice. 297 00:13:05,147 --> 00:13:08,480 - Okay, we'll use grapes. - We've only lingonberries, sir. 298 00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:10,312 Ballistically similar to grapes? 299 00:13:10,486 --> 00:13:13,944 Screw your grapes and screw your whatever-berries, I am out of here. 300 00:13:14,123 --> 00:13:16,591 - No, wait. Trinette, please, l... - Spying ass bastards. 301 00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:19,319 - Please my fat Irish ass. Ow! - Ooh. 302 00:13:19,495 --> 00:13:21,326 What the hell's in your freaking pocket? 303 00:13:21,497 --> 00:13:22,828 Um... 304 00:13:23,266 --> 00:13:24,995 - Ha. - Oh. Oh. 305 00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:27,101 I don't feel so good. 306 00:13:27,270 --> 00:13:28,669 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 307 00:13:28,838 --> 00:13:30,203 CYRIL: Me neither. 308 00:13:30,373 --> 00:13:33,137 And voicemail again. Huh. 309 00:13:33,309 --> 00:13:37,336 So, it's me. Duh. And did you say you'd cook, or did I mishear that? 310 00:13:37,513 --> 00:13:41,210 I know I misheard you about Jane, because turns out, I ran into her. 311 00:13:42,118 --> 00:13:44,348 Hey, Jane. 312 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,681 You getting a tampon? 313 00:13:46,856 --> 00:13:48,050 Yeah. Loose end. 314 00:13:48,224 --> 00:13:50,488 But I'm sure you had a good reason to lie to me... 315 00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:52,924 so can't wait to hear what it was. 316 00:13:53,195 --> 00:13:56,358 - Oh, my God, you killed a hooker. - Call girl. 317 00:13:56,532 --> 00:13:57,624 - She was a... - No, Cyril. 318 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,700 When they're dead they're just hookers. 319 00:13:59,869 --> 00:14:03,236 God, I said the cap slips off the poison pen for no reason. 320 00:14:03,406 --> 00:14:05,033 I know, but I just assumed... 321 00:14:05,207 --> 00:14:06,799 that if anything bad happened... 322 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:11,640 No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument. 323 00:14:11,814 --> 00:14:13,839 And also woefully esoteric. 324 00:14:14,016 --> 00:14:15,745 - Woodhouse. - Fetching a rug, sir. 325 00:14:15,918 --> 00:14:18,546 Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril? 326 00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:20,552 No. No, I'm not happy. 327 00:14:20,723 --> 00:14:22,520 Well, guess what. Me neither. 328 00:14:22,692 --> 00:14:26,355 I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person. 329 00:14:26,529 --> 00:14:28,724 Sir. I have fetched the rug. 330 00:14:28,898 --> 00:14:30,695 Plus now I'm out a rug. 331 00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:36,330 Oh, God. I should never have agreed to this. 332 00:14:36,505 --> 00:14:39,770 You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins. 333 00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:44,504 Hey. I know you're upset, but if you ever mention my mother's loins... 334 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,739 or their frothiness, to me again... 335 00:14:46,916 --> 00:14:50,784 I don't know what I'll do, but it will be bad. 336 00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:54,885 Now let's go bury this dead hooker. 337 00:14:56,459 --> 00:14:58,450 Shirt tails. We need a password. 338 00:14:58,628 --> 00:14:59,993 - Hang on a second. MALORY: Ha-ha-ha. 339 00:15:00,162 --> 00:15:01,356 How you doing, Ms. Archer? 340 00:15:01,530 --> 00:15:02,963 I am good. 341 00:15:03,132 --> 00:15:05,726 - Okay, try... Okay, try "guest." MALORY: Real good. 342 00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:08,734 Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God. 343 00:15:08,904 --> 00:15:13,238 I know, right? So here let's make the co-pay zero, and the deductible... 344 00:15:13,409 --> 00:15:15,400 - Super high, right? - No, low. 345 00:15:15,578 --> 00:15:17,478 You want the lowest deductible. 346 00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:19,979 But don't you deduct it on your taxes or something? 347 00:15:20,149 --> 00:15:21,446 - Wow. - So you want more? 348 00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:23,244 And people think Jane's stupid. 349 00:15:23,419 --> 00:15:25,979 Speaking of, it's probably better... 350 00:15:26,155 --> 00:15:28,749 if Jane was the last one to log in. 351 00:15:28,924 --> 00:15:31,620 You are a bitch. 352 00:15:31,794 --> 00:15:33,159 I am not. What? 353 00:15:33,329 --> 00:15:37,095 Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? 354 00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:39,325 My God, a black... 355 00:15:39,502 --> 00:15:41,595 ops field agent? 356 00:15:41,771 --> 00:15:44,797 Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that. 357 00:15:44,974 --> 00:15:47,408 Because let me tell you, I was black ops. 358 00:15:47,576 --> 00:15:52,172 And that does not for a young boy a very merry Christmas make. 359 00:15:52,348 --> 00:15:55,511 Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop. 360 00:15:55,685 --> 00:15:59,143 Merry X-mas from Mommy and Uncle Kermit, stop. 361 00:15:59,321 --> 00:16:02,654 Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop. 362 00:16:02,825 --> 00:16:06,283 - You made up the last part, didn't you? - I did, sir. 363 00:16:06,562 --> 00:16:07,586 Douche. 364 00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:09,754 - Oh, my God. - I know, right? 365 00:16:09,932 --> 00:16:12,992 This is the most kickass health plan ever. 366 00:16:13,169 --> 00:16:15,433 And I think I just had a flashback, so... 367 00:16:15,604 --> 00:16:18,801 these antihistamines are insane. 368 00:16:18,974 --> 00:16:22,876 Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker. 369 00:16:23,045 --> 00:16:25,104 By accident. We could explain. 370 00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:27,442 To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana? 371 00:16:27,616 --> 00:16:30,449 She'd never forgive me. Archer, my life is ruined. 372 00:16:30,619 --> 00:16:32,246 And all because Mother cooked up... 373 00:16:32,421 --> 00:16:34,252 this stupid plan... - But I just... 374 00:16:34,423 --> 00:16:37,483 to make you an agent just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it? 375 00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:39,525 I'm not sure that's technically irony. 376 00:16:39,695 --> 00:16:43,927 What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby... 377 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,625 and named it this exact situation. 378 00:16:46,802 --> 00:16:47,928 - No, it's... - Yes, it is. 379 00:16:48,104 --> 00:16:51,801 Because a man like you, Cyril, doesn't deserve a woman like Lana. 380 00:16:51,974 --> 00:16:53,100 You... 381 00:16:53,275 --> 00:16:58,144 You butthole. You set this all up, just to drive me and Lana apart. 382 00:16:59,348 --> 00:17:01,248 - Well? - Screw you, Archer. 383 00:17:01,417 --> 00:17:03,942 Hey. Hostile work environment. 384 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:07,453 Exactly. And I'm gonna file a hostile work environment lawsuit... 385 00:17:07,623 --> 00:17:10,319 against you, and your mother, and ISIS, and... 386 00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:12,488 What? Who the hell is that? 387 00:17:12,661 --> 00:17:15,061 - Your confederates in Operation Butthole. - Cyril. 388 00:17:15,231 --> 00:17:17,495 - Those aren't my confederates. - Well, nice try... 389 00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:19,327 but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it. 390 00:17:19,502 --> 00:17:22,027 - You hear that? I ain't buying it. - Cyril. 391 00:17:22,638 --> 00:17:24,572 CYRIL: Oh, my God. ARCHER: How about now, Cyril? 392 00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:26,708 Are you feeling ready to buy? 393 00:17:29,245 --> 00:17:30,735 To Scatterbrain Jane. 394 00:17:30,913 --> 00:17:33,177 And to plan-covered elective surgery. 395 00:17:33,349 --> 00:17:36,182 And the boob job. That you so need. 396 00:17:36,352 --> 00:17:38,912 And the ass-reduction you so need. 397 00:17:39,088 --> 00:17:40,646 And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need. 398 00:17:40,823 --> 00:17:41,847 [GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE] 399 00:17:42,024 --> 00:17:44,254 - Oh, my God, did you hear that? - What do you think it is? 400 00:17:44,426 --> 00:17:46,291 Immigrants. That's how they do, you know? 401 00:17:46,462 --> 00:17:50,455 Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs. 402 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,994 - Then who are those guys? - How should I know? 403 00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:58,436 KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye? 404 00:17:58,607 --> 00:17:59,699 I have enemies, okay? 405 00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:01,866 - That's because no one likes you. - What? 406 00:18:02,044 --> 00:18:03,773 Seriously, do you not sense that? 407 00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:06,540 I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril. 408 00:18:06,715 --> 00:18:08,114 Well, I was a single mother. 409 00:18:08,284 --> 00:18:11,617 And it's a big dangerous world out there. 410 00:18:12,054 --> 00:18:14,113 Are you idiots still even here? 411 00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:15,917 So why aren't you better at this? 412 00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:19,458 I am the best at this, Rain Man, okay? I'm like... 413 00:18:19,628 --> 00:18:21,255 CYRIL: Who? James Bond? 414 00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:23,557 Well, I don't like to invite that comparison. 415 00:18:23,732 --> 00:18:25,893 - But yeah, basically. - So do something. 416 00:18:26,068 --> 00:18:29,469 I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see? 417 00:18:29,638 --> 00:18:32,163 - I'm driving the car. - I could drive better than that. 418 00:18:32,341 --> 00:18:34,309 So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting. 419 00:18:34,476 --> 00:18:36,341 - No, you are not. - Yes, I am totally am. 420 00:18:36,512 --> 00:18:37,979 - Stop it. No. - No. 421 00:18:38,147 --> 00:18:41,412 - Grenades in the glove box. - Drive me and the hooker to safety or... 422 00:18:41,584 --> 00:18:43,051 LANA: Excuse me. - Lana? 423 00:18:43,219 --> 00:18:45,687 Yeah, I'm looking for two guys. 424 00:18:45,855 --> 00:18:48,187 They're on their way to the morgue? 425 00:18:50,993 --> 00:18:52,893 - Great. - Archer, what am I gonna tell her? 426 00:18:53,062 --> 00:18:55,895 Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth. 427 00:18:56,165 --> 00:18:58,963 I don't care if you have 50 dead hookers in the trunk... 428 00:18:59,134 --> 00:19:00,465 you lied to me. 429 00:19:00,636 --> 00:19:02,126 Did not learn anything. 430 00:19:02,304 --> 00:19:05,364 - Well, you shot a machine gun at me. - Around you. 431 00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:07,304 - Because my feelings were hurt. - Well... 432 00:19:07,476 --> 00:19:09,034 Why on earth would you lie to me? 433 00:19:09,211 --> 00:19:11,111 I just wanted to show you I could be... 434 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,646 a supercool ISIS field agent like Archer, but... 435 00:19:13,816 --> 00:19:16,376 But baby, don't you know I... 436 00:19:16,552 --> 00:19:18,679 like you so much... 437 00:19:18,854 --> 00:19:21,345 because you're exactly the opposite of Archer? 438 00:19:21,523 --> 00:19:24,458 - Well, yeah, but... - Not to mention your other qualities. 439 00:19:24,627 --> 00:19:27,619 Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly. 440 00:19:27,796 --> 00:19:31,664 - He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle? CYRIL: Yep. 441 00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:34,859 Hey, so how did you know where I was? 442 00:19:35,271 --> 00:19:36,966 When we first started going out... 443 00:19:37,139 --> 00:19:40,131 I may have injected a tracking device into your body. 444 00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,937 In my body? No, no. Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana. 445 00:19:43,112 --> 00:19:46,047 Do you really wanna open this can of trust-breachy worms... 446 00:19:46,215 --> 00:19:50,584 right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk? 447 00:19:51,287 --> 00:19:52,652 - I do not. - You do not. 448 00:19:52,821 --> 00:19:56,723 Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic? 449 00:19:57,326 --> 00:20:01,319 You know what? I don't have a "one to some other number of douchebags" scale. 450 00:20:01,497 --> 00:20:04,762 So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette. 451 00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:07,425 Yeah, Trinette, you shitass. 452 00:20:07,603 --> 00:20:09,662 - So you know you have to be punished. - Yes. 453 00:20:09,838 --> 00:20:11,897 You're gonna walk into our video store... 454 00:20:12,074 --> 00:20:13,541 With the sweet old Korean lady. 455 00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:17,907 - And buy the nastiest, barebackinest, hard dickinest, ball splapiest... 456 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,241 interracial porno in there. 457 00:20:20,416 --> 00:20:22,008 From the sweet old Korean lady? 458 00:20:22,184 --> 00:20:24,345 Yep. How you feel about that? 459 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,081 - Like I got off pretty easy. - Night ain't over yet. 460 00:20:28,257 --> 00:20:30,282 - Throw me in a trunk? - Not part of the plan. 461 00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:32,484 Inject me with some crazy spy poison? 462 00:20:32,661 --> 00:20:35,061 - It was just a harmless tranquilizer. - You shitass. 463 00:20:35,230 --> 00:20:38,427 I mean, let's be honest, I doubt that's the first needle you ever... 464 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,125 - Ow! - I never. Give me your wallet. 465 00:20:41,303 --> 00:20:42,395 I already paid you. 466 00:20:42,571 --> 00:20:46,302 File a customer service complaint. I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it. 467 00:20:46,475 --> 00:20:48,909 Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye. 468 00:20:49,078 --> 00:20:50,443 Oh, watch me. 469 00:20:50,612 --> 00:20:53,240 - Oh. Give me your watch. - You know how much this thing costs? 470 00:20:53,415 --> 00:20:55,315 Probably less than a new set of kneecaps. 471 00:20:55,484 --> 00:20:58,544 - There. Happy? - Almost. 472 00:21:00,956 --> 00:21:03,948 You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this. 473 00:21:04,126 --> 00:21:07,425 But l... Oh, shit, my rug. 474 00:21:30,552 --> 00:21:31,541 [ENGLISH - US - SDH] 475 00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:36,141 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37834

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