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1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,693
Malory Archer. Ho.
2
00:00:05,869 --> 00:00:08,531
You get more beautiful
every time I see you.
3
00:00:08,705 --> 00:00:10,696
- Oh-ho-ho, Gussy.
- Minx.
4
00:00:10,874 --> 00:00:14,310
You'll be the death of me yet.
But if I die...
5
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let it be with the name of this
dusky jewel upon my lips.
6
00:00:17,814 --> 00:00:20,783
Lord Feltchley,
may I present Miss Lana Kane?
7
00:00:20,951 --> 00:00:23,044
Yes, you bloody well may.
8
00:00:23,220 --> 00:00:24,983
LANA:
So nice to, uh... Wow.
9
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,680
Okay, that's kidskin
you're slobbering on, so...
10
00:00:27,858 --> 00:00:29,018
Okay.
11
00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:32,355
Wouldn't want to offend
that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?
12
00:00:32,529 --> 00:00:34,554
No offense taken, Your Lordship.
13
00:00:34,731 --> 00:00:36,665
Glad to hear it. Whoever you are.
14
00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,767
Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller.
15
00:00:38,935 --> 00:00:40,232
- And also my...
- Boyfriend.
16
00:00:40,403 --> 00:00:41,893
- Person I'm dating.
- No, he isn't.
17
00:00:42,072 --> 00:00:43,096
- We date.
- No, you don't.
18
00:00:43,273 --> 00:00:44,900
- Ha.
- No, no, no.
19
00:00:45,075 --> 00:00:48,567
Your man's a rakish chap.
Air of mystery, chiseled good looks?
20
00:00:48,745 --> 00:00:51,543
- Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex?
- Oh.
21
00:00:51,715 --> 00:00:54,013
- Archer.
- Archer, exactly just.
22
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:57,620
And if memory serves,
not only handsome, but also...
23
00:00:57,788 --> 00:00:59,153
ARCHER:
A secret agent.
24
00:00:59,322 --> 00:01:00,346
[CRASHING]
25
00:01:00,524 --> 00:01:03,891
That's what I am.
And I shouldn't even be saying that...
26
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:07,325
but you have a certain
thickness about you...
27
00:01:07,497 --> 00:01:09,021
that I very find appealing...
28
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,429
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I find
your drunkenness very unappealing...
29
00:01:11,601 --> 00:01:13,694
I am drunk
or I wouldn't be talking to you.
30
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:17,397
- So if you'll please excuse me.
- Hey, come on. Don't be like that.
31
00:01:17,574 --> 00:01:18,563
[CROWD CHATTERING]
32
00:01:18,742 --> 00:01:20,505
- Whoops.
- Sterling, look out.
33
00:01:20,677 --> 00:01:23,737
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach.
34
00:01:23,914 --> 00:01:28,317
Free Irishmen will never bow down
before the English crown.
35
00:01:28,919 --> 00:01:30,682
[TRAY CLATTERING]
36
00:01:30,854 --> 00:01:32,378
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
37
00:01:32,556 --> 00:01:34,114
Oh là là, Sterling Archer.
38
00:01:34,291 --> 00:01:35,588
ARCHER:
That was totally ninja.
39
00:01:35,759 --> 00:01:36,987
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
40
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,821
Yeah, if you're...
41
00:01:38,995 --> 00:01:40,724
into that. Hmm?
- Lana?
42
00:01:40,897 --> 00:01:43,127
- Hon? Hello?
- Huh? Hey.
43
00:01:44,267 --> 00:01:46,929
- What's up, buddy?
- Ugh. Nothing.
44
00:01:47,103 --> 00:01:48,661
Oh, dear.
45
00:01:48,839 --> 00:01:51,774
Good show, Archer.
Really saved my bacon there.
46
00:01:51,942 --> 00:01:55,173
Hey, come on. You know I'd never
let anything happen to your bacon.
47
00:01:55,345 --> 00:01:58,405
- I love you, Santa Claus.
- What?
48
00:01:59,583 --> 00:02:00,607
[CRIES] I do.
49
00:02:32,682 --> 00:02:34,547
Cyril, we've got big problems.
50
00:02:34,718 --> 00:02:36,185
Well, it may seem
daunting now...
51
00:02:36,353 --> 00:02:39,720
but in the long run the HSA
makes a lot more sense than flex accounts.
52
00:02:39,890 --> 00:02:41,790
I don't mean the health plan.
53
00:02:41,958 --> 00:02:44,654
Unless it covers
Wandering Eye Syndrome.
54
00:02:44,828 --> 00:02:47,388
That depends on if that's a real thing.
55
00:02:47,564 --> 00:02:50,328
Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it.
56
00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:51,933
- Wait, what?
- Cyril, I know...
57
00:02:52,102 --> 00:02:54,502
you saw how she looked
at Sterling last night.
58
00:02:54,671 --> 00:02:56,502
Well, I think she was
just shaken up...
59
00:02:56,673 --> 00:02:58,106
Stirred up, Cyril.
60
00:02:58,275 --> 00:03:01,472
- In the loins.
- You think her loins were stirring?
61
00:03:01,645 --> 00:03:05,308
- Lf not frothing.
- Frothing? Great. What should I do?
62
00:03:05,482 --> 00:03:10,977
We should make you into someone for
whom Lana's loins get equally frothy.
63
00:03:11,154 --> 00:03:14,146
And how exactly would we do that?
64
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,554
She's obviously attracted
to men of danger.
65
00:03:16,726 --> 00:03:17,818
- Like Archer.
- Exactly.
66
00:03:17,994 --> 00:03:21,054
- The perfect field agent.
- Who better to train you to become one?
67
00:03:21,231 --> 00:03:23,222
Archer train me? To be a field agent?
68
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,594
He's already been briefed.
69
00:03:24,768 --> 00:03:28,169
But only on the "what,"
mind you, not the "why."
70
00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,499
No sense telling him it's about Lana...
71
00:03:30,674 --> 00:03:32,369
- Boy, wait till I tell her.
- No.
72
00:03:32,542 --> 00:03:36,410
Cyril. Under no circumstance
is Lana to know about our little...
73
00:03:36,579 --> 00:03:39,275
plan.
- Right. I think. Oh.
74
00:03:39,449 --> 00:03:41,440
- But about plans: Health plan switchover?
- Cyril.
75
00:03:41,618 --> 00:03:44,052
I'll take care of whatever that is.
76
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:46,620
You just concentrate on your training.
77
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:50,385
- And Archer's really okay with this?
- Oh, not at all.
78
00:03:50,827 --> 00:03:53,591
Which is just gravy.
79
00:03:53,763 --> 00:03:56,891
No, I just let mother think that
because I know what she's up to...
80
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:58,967
vis-à-vis Cyril and Lana and me.
81
00:03:59,135 --> 00:04:01,535
And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons.
82
00:04:01,705 --> 00:04:04,071
Trust me, Mother's idea
of horizon-broadening...
83
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,537
is a lot of fights...
84
00:04:05,709 --> 00:04:08,269
walking home from a lot
of jazz-tap lessons.
85
00:04:11,047 --> 00:04:13,277
I so enjoy our talks. You got them?
86
00:04:14,784 --> 00:04:16,308
They're loaded and ready to go?
87
00:04:17,654 --> 00:04:20,623
Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah.
88
00:04:20,790 --> 00:04:23,918
So obviously I'm not happy
about this whole arrangement, but...
89
00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:25,391
CYRIL:
But your mother is, so...
90
00:04:25,562 --> 00:04:26,961
But I wonder what Lana thinks?
91
00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:29,792
Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this.
92
00:04:29,966 --> 00:04:32,730
Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh?
93
00:04:32,902 --> 00:04:35,928
I'm sure it's not the first time
you kept a secret from Lana.
94
00:04:36,106 --> 00:04:37,835
Uh... Hello. Herpes?
95
00:04:38,008 --> 00:04:39,942
- You gave Lana herpes?
ARCHER: Ahem.
96
00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:41,634
- Hello, Cheryl.
- It's Carol.
97
00:04:41,811 --> 00:04:43,073
What? Since when?
98
00:04:43,246 --> 00:04:46,272
Since I had it legally changed
because you always call me Carol.
99
00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:48,110
Wow, that's...
100
00:04:48,284 --> 00:04:50,252
- Excuse us.
- Ugh.
101
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,615
Okay, now what is this herpes business?
102
00:04:52,789 --> 00:04:54,757
Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm.
103
00:04:54,924 --> 00:04:57,791
- Lesson one, get used to that.
- Should I be writing this down?
104
00:04:57,961 --> 00:05:01,124
No. Never leave a paper trail.
That's lesson one.
105
00:05:01,297 --> 00:05:02,787
- So ditch this.
- Hey, that's...
106
00:05:02,966 --> 00:05:05,434
CHERYL: Ow! Jesus.
- My dead mom's pen.
107
00:05:05,602 --> 00:05:09,231
Cyril did that.
This is what a real field agent uses.
108
00:05:09,406 --> 00:05:10,998
Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer.
109
00:05:11,174 --> 00:05:13,506
- That's because it's a hypodermic needle...
- What?
110
00:05:13,676 --> 00:05:16,645
And the cartridge is full
of a deadly super-toxin called...
111
00:05:16,813 --> 00:05:18,644
Poizocaine.
112
00:05:18,815 --> 00:05:20,578
- Here. Keep it in here.
- Uh... Hey, whoa.
113
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:22,684
- Wait a minute.
- But be careful.
114
00:05:22,852 --> 00:05:25,320
The cap slips off for, like, no reason.
115
00:05:25,488 --> 00:05:26,853
[HUMMING]
116
00:05:27,023 --> 00:05:28,547
Beep, beep, beep.
117
00:05:28,725 --> 00:05:30,386
Oh, you giving me the truck noise...
118
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,961
Karen Carpenter's stunt double?
- I thought you were walking backwards.
119
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:35,961
It's all the HSA switchover crap.
120
00:05:36,132 --> 00:05:39,363
I'm so over that lame flex account.
When does the HSA start?
121
00:05:39,536 --> 00:05:41,868
When Cyril e-files these DD-14s.
122
00:05:42,038 --> 00:05:44,302
- Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those.
- What?
123
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,965
Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer.
124
00:05:47,143 --> 00:05:49,634
I'm sorry, Cyril's off what?
With whom?
125
00:05:49,813 --> 00:05:51,838
I think "somewhere"
was the "what" there.
126
00:05:52,015 --> 00:05:54,984
- "Mr. Archer" was the "whom."
- Worlds collide, huh?
127
00:05:55,151 --> 00:05:57,051
Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater.
128
00:05:57,220 --> 00:06:00,849
- Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black.
- Ugh.
129
00:06:01,024 --> 00:06:04,551
Did she just race-card me,
or are you totally just gay for her?
130
00:06:04,727 --> 00:06:09,221
I'm the Human Resources Director,
Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
131
00:06:09,399 --> 00:06:10,923
[WHISPERING]
She is riddled with herpes.
132
00:06:11,101 --> 00:06:14,593
Hey.
Inappropriate workplace topic.
133
00:06:14,771 --> 00:06:16,739
And also a dealbreaker.
134
00:06:16,906 --> 00:06:18,931
- Lesson one: Human intel...
- Oh, shoot.
135
00:06:19,109 --> 00:06:21,373
- I forgot about the DD-14s.
- Screw them.
136
00:06:21,544 --> 00:06:22,704
That's Mother's headache.
137
00:06:22,879 --> 00:06:25,780
You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?
138
00:06:25,949 --> 00:06:29,282
- Jesus Jones, yes.
- So when I asked for cucumber slices...
139
00:06:29,452 --> 00:06:31,716
which one of you idiots
sent up zucchini?
140
00:06:31,888 --> 00:06:35,051
- That, well, that would be...
- That would be Jane who did that.
141
00:06:35,225 --> 00:06:38,126
- Scatterbrain Jane?
- I know, she's just a mess.
142
00:06:38,294 --> 00:06:40,455
- Because this is obviously zucchini.
MALORY: Oh.
143
00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:44,464
You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't
wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
144
00:06:44,634 --> 00:06:46,465
What's that supposed to mean?
145
00:06:47,604 --> 00:06:49,629
That is Pam, isn't it?
146
00:06:49,806 --> 00:06:52,297
Okay, so, human intelligence entails?
147
00:06:52,475 --> 00:06:56,070
Well, there's false flags,
dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs...
148
00:06:56,246 --> 00:06:58,942
active doubles, passive doubles,
dangled moles...
149
00:06:59,115 --> 00:07:01,447
the often under-appreciated honeypot?
150
00:07:01,618 --> 00:07:02,642
- Wow.
- One of my favorites.
151
00:07:02,819 --> 00:07:06,220
- That sounds like a lot to cover.
- Yeah, so we may have to gloss over...
152
00:07:06,389 --> 00:07:08,084
almost all of it, but...
153
00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:10,351
- Aah!
- Weapon.
154
00:07:10,527 --> 00:07:11,653
Oh.
155
00:07:11,828 --> 00:07:13,056
- Oh, hey hon.
- Hey back.
156
00:07:13,229 --> 00:07:14,423
- Hello.
- What's...
157
00:07:14,597 --> 00:07:16,326
- What's this?
- Well, see...
158
00:07:16,499 --> 00:07:17,557
here's the thing...
159
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:21,170
MALORY: Under no circumstance is Lanato know about our little...
160
00:07:21,337 --> 00:07:22,736
... plan.
161
00:07:22,906 --> 00:07:24,168
- Here's what thing?
- Okay.
162
00:07:24,340 --> 00:07:25,432
- Archer's DD-14.
- Yeah.
163
00:07:25,608 --> 00:07:28,099
That we're on our way down
to clear up with Jane.
164
00:07:28,278 --> 00:07:29,506
- Really?
- Well...
165
00:07:29,679 --> 00:07:31,271
you know Scatterbrain Jane.
Heh-heh.
166
00:07:31,447 --> 00:07:33,312
- You're cooking dinner later?
- Yes, I am.
167
00:07:33,483 --> 00:07:34,745
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
168
00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:36,852
Speargun?
169
00:07:37,187 --> 00:07:40,122
- Oh. I can't believe I just did that.
- Yeah, dunce.
170
00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:41,621
Now Jane's a loose end.
171
00:07:42,458 --> 00:07:44,551
Hey, Jane.
172
00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:46,695
You getting a snack?
173
00:07:46,863 --> 00:07:49,764
Keep your story vague.
That's lesson one.
174
00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:53,300
But, I mean, morality aside, how
do you keep track of all these lies?
175
00:07:53,469 --> 00:07:58,463
Practice, Cyril.
Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do.
176
00:07:58,641 --> 00:07:59,801
- In your job.
- Sure.
177
00:07:59,976 --> 00:08:02,240
It was pretty cool how
you handled that speargun.
178
00:08:02,412 --> 00:08:04,972
- Yeah, it was pretty cool.
- Will I get to learn karate?
179
00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:07,639
Karate?
The Dane Cook of martial arts?
180
00:08:07,817 --> 00:08:10,479
- No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
- Krav?
181
00:08:10,653 --> 00:08:12,917
We've got an ex-Mossad guy,
he comes in Thursdays.
182
00:08:13,089 --> 00:08:16,388
- Neat.
- Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class.
183
00:08:16,559 --> 00:08:19,722
- So will I need sweatpants?
- Cyril. You need all new clothes.
184
00:08:19,896 --> 00:08:21,227
What's wrong with these?
185
00:08:21,397 --> 00:08:22,830
[LAUGHS]
186
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:26,292
Sorry.
187
00:08:26,769 --> 00:08:28,430
Oh.
188
00:08:28,605 --> 00:08:30,573
I was laughing at your clothes.
189
00:08:33,343 --> 00:08:37,404
Wow, Archer, you were right.
A tailored suit hangs so much better.
190
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:39,673
ARCHER:
That's because Woodhouse is a genius.
191
00:08:39,849 --> 00:08:42,841
Like so many other geniuses,
unappreciated in his life...
192
00:08:43,019 --> 00:08:44,509
ARCHER:
Shut up and hem, you old fruit.
193
00:08:44,687 --> 00:08:48,521
- Speaking of fruit, sir.
- Oh, sorry. Heh-heh.
194
00:08:48,691 --> 00:08:51,455
- Cyril, check this out.
CYRIL: Watch yourself.
195
00:08:52,161 --> 00:08:54,755
- Really?
- Don't make it weird. It's your friend.
196
00:08:54,931 --> 00:08:57,161
- And so's this baby.
CYRIL: Jeezy Petes.
197
00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:58,960
It's a Chekhov. Russian-made.
198
00:08:59,135 --> 00:09:02,036
- .25 caliber.
- When would you use an underwear-gun?
199
00:09:02,205 --> 00:09:04,332
Hopefully never. But say you're...
200
00:09:04,507 --> 00:09:07,032
in a Caribbean bungalow
and you're kind of high.
201
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:09,440
An exotic woman on the bed...
202
00:09:09,612 --> 00:09:12,672
now is she just the high-priced
whore you asked for?
203
00:09:12,849 --> 00:09:14,976
- Or is she an assassin?
- I don't know. I...
204
00:09:15,151 --> 00:09:16,175
[DOORBELL RINGS]
205
00:09:16,352 --> 00:09:18,343
ARCHER: Here's room service.
Who ordered champagne?
206
00:09:18,521 --> 00:09:19,852
CYRIL: How should I know.
ARCHER: Exactly.
207
00:09:20,023 --> 00:09:21,354
You're baked, can't remember.
208
00:09:21,524 --> 00:09:24,288
Since when does it take three
huge, surly Jamaican guys...
209
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,860
to deliver one bottle of champagne?
CYRIL: Oh.
210
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:29,191
- Because they're assassins too.
- Or...
211
00:09:29,365 --> 00:09:32,232
Maybe one guy's a new waiter,
the second one's training him...
212
00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:35,929
and the third's from maintenance,
finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC.
213
00:09:36,105 --> 00:09:37,697
Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen.
214
00:09:37,874 --> 00:09:40,434
Point is, you come out
of the john waving this around...
215
00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:42,703
nobody's gonna bug you
for a tip. Here.
216
00:09:42,879 --> 00:09:45,245
- It's a gift.
- Thanks, wow, that's slippery.
217
00:09:45,415 --> 00:09:49,010
And the safety's off
so be careful, it could go off for, like...
218
00:09:49,185 --> 00:09:50,243
no reason.
219
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,217
Now what're these pills?
220
00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:55,118
Oh, just antihistamines mostly.
221
00:09:55,291 --> 00:09:59,250
You just rest, Ms. Archer.
We'll take care of these DD-14s for you.
222
00:09:59,429 --> 00:10:02,296
Damn right you will. Idiot.
223
00:10:02,465 --> 00:10:04,092
Pam, look at this.
224
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:06,895
- Holy shitsnacks.
- We have snacks?
225
00:10:07,070 --> 00:10:08,799
Everybody's personal medical records.
226
00:10:08,971 --> 00:10:11,405
- No, we can't be looking at this.
MALORY: Are there snacks?
227
00:10:11,574 --> 00:10:12,802
It's totally confidential.
228
00:10:12,975 --> 00:10:14,704
It totally should be. Look at this.
229
00:10:14,877 --> 00:10:15,901
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
230
00:10:16,079 --> 00:10:19,640
Cyril tried to get his plan
to cover a penis ensmallment?
231
00:10:19,816 --> 00:10:23,343
- Who'd have thunk it?
- I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty.
232
00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:24,816
- You bet she does what?
- Oh!
233
00:10:24,987 --> 00:10:26,284
I bet she, uh... Oh.
234
00:10:26,456 --> 00:10:28,424
- I got nothing.
- That's what I thought.
235
00:10:28,591 --> 00:10:30,320
- You seen Cyril?
MALORY: Is that Lana?
236
00:10:30,493 --> 00:10:32,051
Wow. What happened to you?
237
00:10:32,228 --> 00:10:35,425
Scatterbrain Jane,
but let me just tell you, okay?
238
00:10:35,598 --> 00:10:37,896
You should be thankful you have Cyril.
239
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,762
- Well...
- For about 12 reasons.
240
00:10:39,936 --> 00:10:41,301
Well, thank you, Malory.
241
00:10:41,471 --> 00:10:43,496
But if you don't mind,
I'd prefer to keep...
242
00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:47,200
my personal affairs out of the office.
- Oh, please.
243
00:10:47,377 --> 00:10:50,039
She's had more pens
in that company ink than...
244
00:10:50,213 --> 00:10:52,443
a pen store.
CHERYL: And yet...
245
00:10:53,616 --> 00:10:54,844
does not have herpes.
246
00:10:55,017 --> 00:10:58,976
- Dealunbreaker.
- Ugh.
247
00:10:59,155 --> 00:11:01,715
What's the matter, baby?
Afraid you'll catch something?
248
00:11:01,891 --> 00:11:05,292
No, it's not that. I've just
never been this close to a...
249
00:11:05,461 --> 00:11:07,486
Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril.
250
00:11:07,663 --> 00:11:09,460
Trinette takes pride in her work.
251
00:11:09,632 --> 00:11:10,724
- I really do.
- Okay.
252
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,299
- So come on budge in.
- Uhn.
253
00:11:12,468 --> 00:11:15,164
- Gosh, yeah.
- Now that's not so bad, is it?
254
00:11:15,338 --> 00:11:17,465
- Ha-ha-ha.
- No. That feels pretty good.
255
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,632
- I can tell. You are gifted.
- Okay.
256
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,142
- God, it's just his gun, Trinette.
CYRIL: Sorry.
257
00:11:23,312 --> 00:11:24,904
Bet this seems pretty weird.
258
00:11:25,081 --> 00:11:27,549
Oh, please.
The sick shit I've done in this apartment?
259
00:11:27,717 --> 00:11:29,776
- Okay.
- And that wasn't all gun, neither.
260
00:11:29,952 --> 00:11:31,044
Ha-ha. No, ma'am.
261
00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:34,747
Hey, can you two focus? Please?
Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what?
262
00:11:34,924 --> 00:11:38,758
Yes, quite ready sir.
Though not entirely willing.
263
00:11:38,928 --> 00:11:42,159
- Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either...
- Could have fooled me.
264
00:11:42,331 --> 00:11:43,355
ARCHER: Hey.
- Oh, Trinette.
265
00:11:43,533 --> 00:11:45,364
It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing...
266
00:11:45,535 --> 00:11:48,766
then your trained field agent eyes
spot two threats.
267
00:11:48,938 --> 00:11:51,372
But they're not trained.
We haven't done this yet.
268
00:11:51,541 --> 00:11:53,338
This is how you train them. So.
269
00:11:53,509 --> 00:11:56,137
- You spot your first threat. Woodhouse.
- Ooh. Hoo.
270
00:11:56,312 --> 00:11:57,711
- My knees aren't...
- Bam, bam, bam.
271
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,106
You put him down. But just shoot
the pad, not Woodhouse.
272
00:12:01,284 --> 00:12:02,945
- Like, actually shoot the gun?
ARCHER: Then.
273
00:12:03,119 --> 00:12:05,383
How else are you gonna learn?
Okay, he's down...
274
00:12:05,555 --> 00:12:07,819
just the pad.
Then you see the second threat.
275
00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:10,458
Oh, no, you're out of ammo.
What are you gonna do?
276
00:12:10,626 --> 00:12:12,287
Oh, that's where the turn comes in?
277
00:12:12,462 --> 00:12:14,054
Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position.
278
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:16,027
I really need a better health plan.
279
00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:20,260
Shut up. Weapon is hot
and live fire exercise...
280
00:12:20,436 --> 00:12:22,927
in five, six, seven, eight.
281
00:12:23,806 --> 00:12:27,708
Tango, tango, tango. Scan
the ballroom of the Cuban embassy...
282
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,936
for the agent
you're supposed to meet.
283
00:12:30,112 --> 00:12:32,945
You're just some Canadian dude
down here on business...
284
00:12:33,115 --> 00:12:35,549
and threat. Woodhouse.
- Yes.
285
00:12:35,718 --> 00:12:37,276
- Cyril. Shoot.
- Oh, oh.
286
00:12:37,453 --> 00:12:39,887
- Aah!
- Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake.
287
00:12:40,056 --> 00:12:43,025
- Oh! Take that, forces of evil.
- Heh. Ooh.
288
00:12:43,459 --> 00:12:45,654
- Whoa.
- Way to go, baby. You hit it.
289
00:12:45,828 --> 00:12:48,126
Yeah. I did, didn't I?
290
00:12:48,297 --> 00:12:50,128
- Second threat.
- Oh. Right, I forgot about...
291
00:12:50,299 --> 00:12:51,789
- Second threat.
CYRIL: Jesus.
292
00:12:52,301 --> 00:12:54,963
- Ow! Christ on sale.
CYRIL: Jesus.
293
00:12:55,137 --> 00:12:57,264
Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja.
294
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,307
No, Archer. That was totally uncool.
295
00:13:00,476 --> 00:13:01,966
Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt?
296
00:13:02,144 --> 00:13:04,977
Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot.
It's ice.
297
00:13:05,147 --> 00:13:08,480
- Okay, we'll use grapes.
- We've only lingonberries, sir.
298
00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:10,312
Ballistically similar to grapes?
299
00:13:10,486 --> 00:13:13,944
Screw your grapes and screw your
whatever-berries, I am out of here.
300
00:13:14,123 --> 00:13:16,591
- No, wait. Trinette, please, l...
- Spying ass bastards.
301
00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:19,319
- Please my fat Irish ass. Ow!
- Ooh.
302
00:13:19,495 --> 00:13:21,326
What the hell's
in your freaking pocket?
303
00:13:21,497 --> 00:13:22,828
Um...
304
00:13:23,266 --> 00:13:24,995
- Ha.
- Oh. Oh.
305
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:27,101
I don't feel so good.
306
00:13:27,270 --> 00:13:28,669
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
307
00:13:28,838 --> 00:13:30,203
CYRIL:
Me neither.
308
00:13:30,373 --> 00:13:33,137
And voicemail again. Huh.
309
00:13:33,309 --> 00:13:37,336
So, it's me. Duh. And did you say
you'd cook, or did I mishear that?
310
00:13:37,513 --> 00:13:41,210
I know I misheard you about Jane,
because turns out, I ran into her.
311
00:13:42,118 --> 00:13:44,348
Hey, Jane.
312
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,681
You getting a tampon?
313
00:13:46,856 --> 00:13:48,050
Yeah. Loose end.
314
00:13:48,224 --> 00:13:50,488
But I'm sure you had a good reason
to lie to me...
315
00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:52,924
so can't wait to hear what it was.
316
00:13:53,195 --> 00:13:56,358
- Oh, my God, you killed a hooker.
- Call girl.
317
00:13:56,532 --> 00:13:57,624
- She was a...
- No, Cyril.
318
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,700
When they're dead they're just hookers.
319
00:13:59,869 --> 00:14:03,236
God, I said the cap slips
off the poison pen for no reason.
320
00:14:03,406 --> 00:14:05,033
I know, but I just assumed...
321
00:14:05,207 --> 00:14:06,799
that if anything bad happened...
322
00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:11,640
No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril.
That, sir, is a facile argument.
323
00:14:11,814 --> 00:14:13,839
And also woefully esoteric.
324
00:14:14,016 --> 00:14:15,745
- Woodhouse.
- Fetching a rug, sir.
325
00:14:15,918 --> 00:14:18,546
Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
326
00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:20,552
No. No, I'm not happy.
327
00:14:20,723 --> 00:14:22,520
Well, guess what. Me neither.
328
00:14:22,692 --> 00:14:26,355
I mean, big picture,
I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
329
00:14:26,529 --> 00:14:28,724
Sir. I have fetched the rug.
330
00:14:28,898 --> 00:14:30,695
Plus now I'm out a rug.
331
00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:36,330
Oh, God.
I should never have agreed to this.
332
00:14:36,505 --> 00:14:39,770
You and your stupid mother
and her stupid frothing loins.
333
00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:44,504
Hey. I know you're upset, but if you
ever mention my mother's loins...
334
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,739
or their frothiness, to me again...
335
00:14:46,916 --> 00:14:50,784
I don't know what I'll do,
but it will be bad.
336
00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:54,885
Now let's go bury this dead hooker.
337
00:14:56,459 --> 00:14:58,450
Shirt tails. We need a password.
338
00:14:58,628 --> 00:14:59,993
- Hang on a second.
MALORY: Ha-ha-ha.
339
00:15:00,162 --> 00:15:01,356
How you doing, Ms. Archer?
340
00:15:01,530 --> 00:15:02,963
I am good.
341
00:15:03,132 --> 00:15:05,726
- Okay, try... Okay, try "guest."
MALORY: Real good.
342
00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:08,734
Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God.
343
00:15:08,904 --> 00:15:13,238
I know, right? So here let's make
the co-pay zero, and the deductible...
344
00:15:13,409 --> 00:15:15,400
- Super high, right?
- No, low.
345
00:15:15,578 --> 00:15:17,478
You want the lowest deductible.
346
00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:19,979
But don't you deduct it
on your taxes or something?
347
00:15:20,149 --> 00:15:21,446
- Wow.
- So you want more?
348
00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:23,244
And people think Jane's stupid.
349
00:15:23,419 --> 00:15:25,979
Speaking of, it's probably better...
350
00:15:26,155 --> 00:15:28,749
if Jane was the last one to log in.
351
00:15:28,924 --> 00:15:31,620
You are a bitch.
352
00:15:31,794 --> 00:15:33,159
I am not. What?
353
00:15:33,329 --> 00:15:37,095
Because I don't want Sterling to end up
with a woman like Lana Kane?
354
00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:39,325
My God, a black...
355
00:15:39,502 --> 00:15:41,595
ops field agent?
356
00:15:41,771 --> 00:15:44,797
Thought she was going in a whole
other direction with that.
357
00:15:44,974 --> 00:15:47,408
Because let me tell you,
I was black ops.
358
00:15:47,576 --> 00:15:52,172
And that does not for a young boy
a very merry Christmas make.
359
00:15:52,348 --> 00:15:55,511
Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop.
360
00:15:55,685 --> 00:15:59,143
Merry X-mas from Mommy
and Uncle Kermit, stop.
361
00:15:59,321 --> 00:16:02,654
Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop.
362
00:16:02,825 --> 00:16:06,283
- You made up the last part, didn't you?
- I did, sir.
363
00:16:06,562 --> 00:16:07,586
Douche.
364
00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:09,754
- Oh, my God.
- I know, right?
365
00:16:09,932 --> 00:16:12,992
This is the most kickass health plan ever.
366
00:16:13,169 --> 00:16:15,433
And I think I just had a flashback, so...
367
00:16:15,604 --> 00:16:18,801
these antihistamines are insane.
368
00:16:18,974 --> 00:16:22,876
Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one
who killed a perfectly good hooker.
369
00:16:23,045 --> 00:16:25,104
By accident. We could explain.
370
00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:27,442
To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana?
371
00:16:27,616 --> 00:16:30,449
She'd never forgive me.
Archer, my life is ruined.
372
00:16:30,619 --> 00:16:32,246
And all because Mother cooked up...
373
00:16:32,421 --> 00:16:34,252
this stupid plan...
- But I just...
374
00:16:34,423 --> 00:16:37,483
to make you an agent
just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it?
375
00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:39,525
I'm not sure that's technically irony.
376
00:16:39,695 --> 00:16:43,927
What? This is like O. Henry
and Alanis Morissette had a baby...
377
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,625
and named it this exact situation.
378
00:16:46,802 --> 00:16:47,928
- No, it's...
- Yes, it is.
379
00:16:48,104 --> 00:16:51,801
Because a man like you, Cyril,
doesn't deserve a woman like Lana.
380
00:16:51,974 --> 00:16:53,100
You...
381
00:16:53,275 --> 00:16:58,144
You butthole. You set this all up,
just to drive me and Lana apart.
382
00:16:59,348 --> 00:17:01,248
- Well?
- Screw you, Archer.
383
00:17:01,417 --> 00:17:03,942
Hey. Hostile work environment.
384
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:07,453
Exactly. And I'm gonna file
a hostile work environment lawsuit...
385
00:17:07,623 --> 00:17:10,319
against you, and your mother,
and ISIS, and...
386
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:12,488
What? Who the hell is that?
387
00:17:12,661 --> 00:17:15,061
- Your confederates in Operation Butthole.
- Cyril.
388
00:17:15,231 --> 00:17:17,495
- Those aren't my confederates.
- Well, nice try...
389
00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:19,327
but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it.
390
00:17:19,502 --> 00:17:22,027
- You hear that? I ain't buying it.
- Cyril.
391
00:17:22,638 --> 00:17:24,572
CYRIL: Oh, my God.
ARCHER: How about now, Cyril?
392
00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:26,708
Are you feeling ready to buy?
393
00:17:29,245 --> 00:17:30,735
To Scatterbrain Jane.
394
00:17:30,913 --> 00:17:33,177
And to plan-covered elective surgery.
395
00:17:33,349 --> 00:17:36,182
And the boob job. That you so need.
396
00:17:36,352 --> 00:17:38,912
And the ass-reduction you so need.
397
00:17:39,088 --> 00:17:40,646
And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need.
398
00:17:40,823 --> 00:17:41,847
[GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE]
399
00:17:42,024 --> 00:17:44,254
- Oh, my God, did you hear that?
- What do you think it is?
400
00:17:44,426 --> 00:17:46,291
Immigrants.
That's how they do, you know?
401
00:17:46,462 --> 00:17:50,455
Just drive around, listening to raps
and shooting all the jobs.
402
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,994
- Then who are those guys?
- How should I know?
403
00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:58,436
KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path,
this guy I know named Popeye?
404
00:17:58,607 --> 00:17:59,699
I have enemies, okay?
405
00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:01,866
- That's because no one likes you.
- What?
406
00:18:02,044 --> 00:18:03,773
Seriously, do you not sense that?
407
00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:06,540
I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril.
408
00:18:06,715 --> 00:18:08,114
Well, I was a single mother.
409
00:18:08,284 --> 00:18:11,617
And it's a big dangerous world out there.
410
00:18:12,054 --> 00:18:14,113
Are you idiots still even here?
411
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:15,917
So why aren't you better at this?
412
00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:19,458
I am the best at this, Rain Man,
okay? I'm like...
413
00:18:19,628 --> 00:18:21,255
CYRIL:
Who? James Bond?
414
00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:23,557
Well, I don't like
to invite that comparison.
415
00:18:23,732 --> 00:18:25,893
- But yeah, basically.
- So do something.
416
00:18:26,068 --> 00:18:29,469
I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril.
I'm shooting the gun, see?
417
00:18:29,638 --> 00:18:32,163
- I'm driving the car.
- I could drive better than that.
418
00:18:32,341 --> 00:18:34,309
So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
419
00:18:34,476 --> 00:18:36,341
- No, you are not.
- Yes, I am totally am.
420
00:18:36,512 --> 00:18:37,979
- Stop it. No.
- No.
421
00:18:38,147 --> 00:18:41,412
- Grenades in the glove box.
- Drive me and the hooker to safety or...
422
00:18:41,584 --> 00:18:43,051
LANA: Excuse me.
- Lana?
423
00:18:43,219 --> 00:18:45,687
Yeah, I'm looking for two guys.
424
00:18:45,855 --> 00:18:48,187
They're on their way to the morgue?
425
00:18:50,993 --> 00:18:52,893
- Great.
- Archer, what am I gonna tell her?
426
00:18:53,062 --> 00:18:55,895
Well, if you learned anything today,
it won't be the truth.
427
00:18:56,165 --> 00:18:58,963
I don't care if you have
50 dead hookers in the trunk...
428
00:18:59,134 --> 00:19:00,465
you lied to me.
429
00:19:00,636 --> 00:19:02,126
Did not learn anything.
430
00:19:02,304 --> 00:19:05,364
- Well, you shot a machine gun at me.
- Around you.
431
00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:07,304
- Because my feelings were hurt.
- Well...
432
00:19:07,476 --> 00:19:09,034
Why on earth would you lie to me?
433
00:19:09,211 --> 00:19:11,111
I just wanted to show you
I could be...
434
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,646
a supercool ISIS field agent
like Archer, but...
435
00:19:13,816 --> 00:19:16,376
But baby, don't you know I...
436
00:19:16,552 --> 00:19:18,679
like you so much...
437
00:19:18,854 --> 00:19:21,345
because you're exactly the opposite
of Archer?
438
00:19:21,523 --> 00:19:24,458
- Well, yeah, but...
- Not to mention your other qualities.
439
00:19:24,627 --> 00:19:27,619
Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly.
440
00:19:27,796 --> 00:19:31,664
- He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle?
CYRIL: Yep.
441
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:34,859
Hey, so how did you know where I was?
442
00:19:35,271 --> 00:19:36,966
When we first started going out...
443
00:19:37,139 --> 00:19:40,131
I may have injected
a tracking device into your body.
444
00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,937
In my body? No, no.
Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana.
445
00:19:43,112 --> 00:19:46,047
Do you really wanna open
this can of trust-breachy worms...
446
00:19:46,215 --> 00:19:50,584
right after I caught you and my
ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk?
447
00:19:51,287 --> 00:19:52,652
- I do not.
- You do not.
448
00:19:52,821 --> 00:19:56,723
Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?
449
00:19:57,326 --> 00:20:01,319
You know what? I don't have a "one to
some other number of douchebags" scale.
450
00:20:01,497 --> 00:20:04,762
So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette.
451
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:07,425
Yeah, Trinette, you shitass.
452
00:20:07,603 --> 00:20:09,662
- So you know you have to be punished.
- Yes.
453
00:20:09,838 --> 00:20:11,897
You're gonna walk into our video store...
454
00:20:12,074 --> 00:20:13,541
With the sweet old Korean lady.
455
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:17,907
- And buy the nastiest, barebackinest,
hard dickinest, ball splapiest...
456
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,241
interracial porno in there.
457
00:20:20,416 --> 00:20:22,008
From the sweet old Korean lady?
458
00:20:22,184 --> 00:20:24,345
Yep. How you feel about that?
459
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,081
- Like I got off pretty easy.
- Night ain't over yet.
460
00:20:28,257 --> 00:20:30,282
- Throw me in a trunk?
- Not part of the plan.
461
00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:32,484
Inject me with some crazy spy poison?
462
00:20:32,661 --> 00:20:35,061
- It was just a harmless tranquilizer.
- You shitass.
463
00:20:35,230 --> 00:20:38,427
I mean, let's be honest, I doubt
that's the first needle you ever...
464
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,125
- Ow!
- I never. Give me your wallet.
465
00:20:41,303 --> 00:20:42,395
I already paid you.
466
00:20:42,571 --> 00:20:46,302
File a customer service complaint.
I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it.
467
00:20:46,475 --> 00:20:48,909
Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye.
468
00:20:49,078 --> 00:20:50,443
Oh, watch me.
469
00:20:50,612 --> 00:20:53,240
- Oh. Give me your watch.
- You know how much this thing costs?
470
00:20:53,415 --> 00:20:55,315
Probably less
than a new set of kneecaps.
471
00:20:55,484 --> 00:20:58,544
- There. Happy?
- Almost.
472
00:21:00,956 --> 00:21:03,948
You know, I bet there's a lesson
to be learned from all this.
473
00:21:04,126 --> 00:21:07,425
But l... Oh, shit, my rug.
474
00:21:30,552 --> 00:21:31,541
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]
475
00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:36,141
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