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1
00:00:05,004 --> 00:00:16,015
[ thunder crashing ]
[ drilling, sawing ]
2
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:26,059
[ electricity crackling ]
>> it's alive!
3
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:38,571
[ electricity crackling ]
>> it's alive!
4
00:00:38,638 --> 00:00:43,476
>> there's 401k's, iras, roth
Iras, retirement funds.
5
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:44,878
Uh, what is it?
6
00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:48,014
[ laughter ]
>> we just fooling with you,
7
00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:48,848
Man.
8
00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:51,885
>> man, we poor as [bleep]
[ laughter ]
9
00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:53,920
Retirement investing.
10
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:55,488
Oh, man.
11
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:56,689
That ain't happening.
12
00:00:56,756 --> 00:01:00,260
>> and how did that joke make
You feel?
13
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:02,529
Before you answer, look at this
Joke.
14
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:07,567
>> there's 401k's, iras, roth
Iras, retirement funds.
15
00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:08,902
Um, what is it?
16
00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:12,272
[ laughter ]
>> we just fooling with you,
17
00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:13,106
Man.
18
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:15,942
>> man, we poor as [bleep]
[ laughter ]
19
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,511
Retirement investing.
20
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,779
Oh, man.
21
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:21,047
That ain't happening.
22
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:24,684
>> and how did that joke make
You feel?
23
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,786
Are you learning something about
Yourself?
24
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:29,222
Before you answer that, look at
This joke.
25
00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:33,460
[ lively music plays ]
[ roar ]
26
00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:34,727
>> ahhh!
27
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,930
>> well, if my calculations are
Correct, you have an erection
28
00:01:36,996 --> 00:01:51,544
And regret that you never knew
Your great-grandparents.
29
00:01:51,610 --> 00:01:54,047
>> oh, my god, save us!
30
00:01:54,113 --> 00:01:57,750
>> run for your lives!
31
00:01:57,817 --> 00:01:59,551
>> [ sobbing ] No!
32
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,921
Ahhhh!
33
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:03,456
>> damn it, no! Not that one.
34
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:04,524
That's the claw.
35
00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:06,226
You don't need the claw.
36
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,961
Okay, ease back on -- no!
37
00:02:08,026 --> 00:02:10,196
Don't touch --
No!
38
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:10,997
Stop!
39
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,465
Okay, don't -- hang on!
40
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:13,166
Go left!
41
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,869
Left, left, left!
42
00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:20,640
[ thunder crashing ]
[ ticking ]
43
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:23,910
>> I can't believe we lost the
Bet and have to spend the night
44
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,345
In this old haunted house.
45
00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:28,114
>> that's an oddly complete
Summary of our predicament.
46
00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:29,449
>> um, we're going this way.
47
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:33,418
>> yeah, to hide the pickle in
The hair sandwich.
48
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,855
>> that just means they won't
Get into heaven.
49
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:38,591
>> well, I guess I'll go find an
Empty room to masturbate in.
50
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,493
>> sweet.
51
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,228
>> look at me.
52
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:43,596
I'm fall out boy.
53
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:48,034
[ off-key notes play ]
>> [ laughs ]
54
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:51,237
Oh, dean, you're the coolest.
55
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,039
>> whoa!
56
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,875
>> dean?
57
00:02:55,942 --> 00:02:56,709
Dean?!
58
00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:59,478
I've got to get help.
59
00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:03,016
>> [ whimpers ]
Rape ghost.
60
00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:04,017
>> what?
61
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:06,119
>> rape ghost!
62
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,987
>> [ sighs ]
Maybe there's an old medical
63
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:10,690
Book with pictures of
Boobs in it.
64
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,358
Ah!
65
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:12,959
What?
66
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:13,993
Hey!
67
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:15,428
Oh, oh, oh!
68
00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:19,098
R-r-r-r-rape ghost!
69
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:21,000
It stole my black cherry.
70
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:21,634
>> oh, my god.
71
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:22,602
Where's tina?
72
00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:28,541
>> gee, I hope the rape ghost
Doesn't get me.
73
00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:30,143
Oh.
74
00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:38,985
[ all screaming ]
[ ghostly laughter ]
75
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,853
What's better than roses on your
Piano?
76
00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,290
Tulips on your organ.
77
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:47,760
[ laughing ]
Toodles.
78
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,529
Come back anytime.
79
00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:50,763
>> even me?
80
00:03:50,829 --> 00:03:52,999
>> ew, no!
81
00:03:55,501 --> 00:04:03,076
>> [ meows ]
[ purring ]
82
00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:04,143
>> timber!
83
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:06,613
[ screaming ]
[ crying ]
84
00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:10,049
>> why, someone left this job
Half done.
85
00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:11,384
Can we fix it?
86
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:12,819
>> yes, we can!
87
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:15,655
>> ain't nobody finishing
Nothing.
88
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,356
>> I'm sorry, who are you?
89
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:21,160
>> we're from the union, and we
Say you don't have the right
90
00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:22,595
Equipment for this job.
91
00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:24,964
>> we have all the equipment we
Need.
92
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,165
>> really?
93
00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:28,801
You got a talking briefcase full
Of hundred-dollar bills over
94
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:29,369
There?
95
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,437
>> no, but -- oh, okay.
96
00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:32,905
That's, you know -- oh, whoa!
97
00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:33,506
Hey!
98
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:34,307
>> ha ha ha!
99
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:35,541
Can I play, too?
100
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:36,843
>> sure, asshole.
101
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:39,445
Hope you like smelling what you
Ate.
102
00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:46,519
[ screeching ]
[ whirring ]
103
00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:47,387
>> spud!
104
00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:49,789
Don't forget to wear your safety
Goggles.
105
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:54,460
>> oh, thanks, bob.
106
00:04:54,527 --> 00:04:58,765
>> whew! Rock and roll!
107
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:00,700
>> oh! Oh! Oh!
108
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,236
Ahh!
109
00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:05,972
>> now dig these mother [bleep]
A grave, scoop.
110
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:11,678
>> no prob, bob.
111
00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:16,516
[ cheering ]
>> [ sniffs ]
112
00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:20,286
Ew, new jersey smells like bad
Tuna.
113
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:21,654
Can we go home?
114
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:23,389
>> all: yes, we can!
115
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:25,091
Yay!
116
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:29,395
[ squishing ]
>> so, as you can see, it's 200
117
00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:33,166
Square feet, new carpeting, tons
Of space under the bed, and the
118
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:34,300
Boy scares easy.
119
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:36,703
>> does he -- does he wet the
Bed?
120
00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:38,137
>> like a faucet.
121
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,038
>> I love it.
122
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:40,139
>> we love it.
123
00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:44,010
>> my name is sonny, and I'm
Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
124
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,712
>> all: hi, sonny.
125
00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:49,716
>> yep, never married, never had
Kids, but I've got my train set.
126
00:05:49,782 --> 00:05:51,884
[ whistle blows ]
All aboard.
127
00:05:51,951 --> 00:05:53,219
Whoo-whoo!
128
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:57,490
Next stop, lonelyville.
129
00:05:57,557 --> 00:05:58,491
Whoo-whoo!
130
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:01,894
Ha ha. Lucky? You bet.
131
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:03,629
Whoo-whoo!
132
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:06,966
[ all shouting ]
>> [ laughs ]
133
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,434
What's wrong, cowboy curtis?
134
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:13,272
>> I just found out I have
Cancer.
135
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:18,678
[ all shouting ]
>> that's our secret word of the
136
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:19,378
Day.
137
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,114
>> pee-wee, pee-wee, seriously.
138
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,682
He said it's malignant.
139
00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:24,082
>> what's malignant?
140
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:25,418
>> the cancer.
141
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:29,589
[ all shouting ]
>> experience military combat
142
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:31,057
Like never before.
143
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:34,193
This is "Inside the
Battlefield -- the weather
144
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:35,361
Dominator."
145
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:40,199
September 10, 1984 --
Mother nature was on the rag.
146
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:44,804
[ screaming ]
Was it merely her time of the
147
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,005
Month?
148
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:51,144
>> bow before cobra and my
Weather dominator, or I'll crank
149
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:56,482
Up the humidity so high no ass
Crack will ever be dry again.
150
00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:58,718
An eternity of swamp ass.
151
00:06:58,784 --> 00:07:02,655
[ laughter ]
>> my gosh, that could send oil
152
00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:03,790
Prices skyrocketing.
153
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:07,226
>> can you imagine gasoline for
Over $1 a gallon?
154
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:11,130
>> g.I. Joe, the nation's elite
Anti-terrorist task force with
155
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:14,934
The nation's least oppressive
Dress code, leapt into action.
156
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:19,138
Almost immediately, two top joes
Were captured and forced to dual
157
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:22,675
In the cobra sportatorium in a
Desperate bid to drive
158
00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:23,576
Concession sales.
159
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,077
>> [ laughs ]
That was crazy.
160
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:27,713
Imagine if the nazis had
Captured eisenhower and put the
161
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,683
War on pause so they could watch
Him fight a mute dude in a ninja
162
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:31,784
Outfit.
163
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:33,619
No offense, snake eyes.
164
00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:38,191
Oh, great, the etch a sketch.
165
00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:39,659
I can't even read that.
166
00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:43,095
>> much like britney spears'
Fragile psyche, the weather
167
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:46,799
Dominator was split into three
Fragments and scattered around
168
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:47,500
The earth.
169
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,034
>> which was kind of a shocker.
170
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,938
The complexity of a weather
Dominator -- you'd think more
171
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:53,339
Than three pieces, but no.
172
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,441
>> destro, how did that make you
Feel?
173
00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:58,544
>> like this.
174
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:01,781
>> thus was launched a
Three-fronted battle, engaged
175
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:04,550
First on the island of
No return -- today a sandals
176
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:05,685
Resort.
177
00:08:05,751 --> 00:08:07,453
>> I signed up to travel the
World, pay for college, and
178
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,156
Shoot lasers at guys in masks,
Which had always been a dream of
179
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,257
Mine.
180
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,125
Then I heard we were going to
The island of no return.
181
00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:17,063
I mean, who the [bleep] Sends a
19-year-old kid to...
182
00:08:17,129 --> 00:08:20,800
[inhales]
I mean [bleep] Man.
183
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:24,103
>> some attempting to return
From the island of no return
184
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,938
Would find returning difficult.
185
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:29,108
>> my dearest clara, this is our
Fourth day on the island of no
186
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,276
Return.
187
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,544
We've been circling around,
Looking for an ion correlater.
188
00:08:32,611 --> 00:08:35,014
>> ...To stop cobra from
Compiling their weather
189
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,215
Dominator.
190
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:39,619
Food is scarce, and morale is
Low.
191
00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:41,587
Blam.
192
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,222
I never understood that last
Part.
193
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,892
>> that last part was morrie
Getting shot.
194
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,627
>> oh, that makes sense now.
195
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,527
Oh!
196
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,796
[ crying ] Oh, morrie!
197
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:54,033
Next, the fight for the
Hydromaster fragment erupted in
198
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,936
Another remote locale -- the
Palace of doom.
199
00:08:57,003 --> 00:09:00,439
>> otherwise known as my
Mother-in-law's house.
200
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,509
[ laughter ]
I kid, but seriously, don't
201
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:04,310
Marry jewish.
202
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,813
>> zartan, we're late for
Seder.
203
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,948
>> kill me.
204
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:12,018
>> meanwhile, the battle for the
Final fragment led to an
205
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:17,790
Impromptu hockey game.
206
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:20,893
>> that was the most fun I ever
Had as a joe.
207
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,762
>> it was pretty hilarious.
208
00:09:22,828 --> 00:09:25,231
We should have all been
Court-martialed.
209
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:28,134
>> firing lasers at the last
Piece of the weather dominator
210
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,137
Worth billions of dollars --
Whoa, cobra commander would have
211
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:32,538
Had our nuts for that.
212
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:35,908
And speaking of nuts --
>> so cold, shrinkage on an epic
213
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:36,976
Scale.
214
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,345
>> oh-ho, my scrotum was like
The size of a walnut.
215
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,682
>> I think my testicles might
Have actually retracted into my
216
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,316
Body.
217
00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:44,817
It was like reverse puberty.
218
00:09:44,884 --> 00:09:46,452
>> I was quite comfortable.
219
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:49,889
>> a last-ditch assault on the
Cobra stronghold decided the
220
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:50,990
Final outcome.
221
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:54,026
G.I. Joe had emphatically
Planted an american flag in
222
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:57,363
Cobra's ass -- both
Metaphorically and, in one
223
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,065
Unfortunate case, quite
Literally.
224
00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:01,701
>> we flew in, beat them like
Mixed-race stepchildren, and
225
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,836
Cobra commander went to prison.
226
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:05,571
And he promptly escaped.
227
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,908
Whew, boy, the other countries
Of the world were pissed.
228
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:11,644
They wanted him put to death
Immediately, but we kind of
229
00:10:11,711 --> 00:10:14,780
Dragged our heels, and by that
Time, zartan had busted him out
230
00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:17,850
With a wicker-basket thing and a
Remote-control snake or
231
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,251
Something.
232
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:21,087
Oh, good times.
233
00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:24,924
Good times.
234
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,293
Oh, for god sakes, just stop it.
235
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,695
>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
236
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,831
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
237
00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:33,966
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
238
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,135
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
239
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,270
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
240
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,473
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
241
00:10:40,539 --> 00:10:42,540
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
16995
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