All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S07E15 - Deconstructing Carrie (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

Hello.

Hey, it's me. I know you wanted
me to get paper towels.

Did you want me
to get the kinds

with, like, the chickens
and ducks on 'em, or...?

I'll let you
make that call, babe.

Okay, I won't let you down.

Okay, love you. Bye.

Okay, love you too.
Carrie, wait.

Yeah?

I've been thinking
about this whole

automatically saying
"I love you"

at the end
of phone calls thing.

I was wondering
if we could drop it?

What?

Yeah. We know how we feel.

We don't have to say it
every call.

So you want to stop saying
"I love you"?

Technically, we don't say
"I love you" now.

I mean, we've got it
down to, like, "Love ya. "

You know, it's almost gone
already.

Oh, we're talking about just
dropping the "I love you"

just at the end
of phone calls.

For now.

You know what?
It's- It's not a bad idea,

because when we
actually do say it,

it'll mean
that much more.

Exactly. I mean,
it'll really pop.

It'll almost be shocking.

Okay.
All right.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hello.

Hey, it's me.
Yeah?

Just wanted to say
I love you.

And I love you too.

All right.
All right, love ya.

Love you too.

Douglas, I'm back
from the senior center

and I have an update
on the missing pudding.

Douglas?

Hmm.

Hey! Hey, that's my wallet!

I thought you was asleep.

I was fakin' it.

Well, it doesn't get
much lower than that.

Apparently, it does.

You expect me to steal money
from Carrie

to buy her own
birthday present?

I will not
do that again.

When are the Micellis
gonna be done

building that freakin' castle?
I mean, knock yourselves out.

You still share an alley
with the Jiffy Lube.

Hey, we're all set
for your birthday.

I just talked to Paddy
down at Cooper's.

He got us a private room.

I mean,
it's not totally private.

It's where they keep
the foosball table,

and actually,
there's another party there,

but it's a small one.

So I'm turning 35

and we're celebrating that
at Cooper's?

Last week I said, "What do you
want to do for your birthday?"

You said,
"Don't do anything special. "

Yeah, I meant,
don't do anything special

like take me to France,

not take me to where you have
a wing-eater's gold card.

First of all, it's platinum,
and they only gave out four,

okay?

Look, Carrie,
Cooper's is just and idea, okay?

We can go wherever you want.

Like where?

How about the hot new club
in the city

you were talkin' about?

Silk?
Yeah. Let's get silky.

So you want to take me to
the hottest club in Manhattan?

Yeah.

Great. Now I have two days
to lose 10 pounds and 10 years.

Unbelievable!

So, uh, how old were you
when you went crazy?

Son, 35 is a difficult birthday
for any woman.

Maybe I better just give her
some time, let her cool off.

No, no, no.

Go to her, Douglas.

Go to her.

I used to have gorgeous hair.

I could have sold it.

Nobody would buy this.
Who'd buy this?

I could hang a sign
at work.

Look, you're obviously
going through

some stuff right now, Car,

and I just want you to know
I'm here for you.

You're here for me?
You should be

because this is all
your fault.

My fault?

Yeah, you stole my youth.
What?

Right. I would still be young
and relatively attractive

if I didn't have to pick up
after you all the time

and wash your big, huge pants
and cook you dinner every night.

We do order out a lot.

I have to heat it up,
don't I?!

Okay, are you okay, or do you
need me to go to the drugstore

and buy you something
from the awkward aisle?

No. It's just that
I'm turning 35

and I feel like crap.

Why are you getting
so down on yourself?

I- I gotta tell ya.

I think you look
more beautiful now

than the day I even met you-

Oh, shut up.
Okay.

You know what it is, Doug?

I'm not getting the feedback
that I used to.

I mean, I don't remember
the last time

I got groped on the subway.

And those construction guys,

I walk by them every day
and I get nothing from them.

Nothing!

I've peaked.
It's all downhill from here.

Come on. You're being crazy now. No,

it's different for men.
The older you get,

the better-looking you get.

You know what?

You're the one
who should be mad at me.

I mean, I'm not that hot
young thing you married.

Oh, Carrie,
you're not 19 anymore.

So I love you the way
you are right now.

I love everything about you:

the little lines
around your eyes.

Oh, my God.
I got crow's feet?

Sweet mama.

Okay, Arthur,
I really have to get going.

But I'm not finished.

Arthur, you've been talking
for an hour straight.

I think I'm pretty clear
on the fact

that lard is the poor man's
butter.

Oh, there is one more thing.

This is very difficult
for me to ask,

but I need
to borrow some money.

Arthur, you haven't paid me back
the loan for the ostrich farm.

By the way, uh,
what's going on with that?

Nothing good.

Now, I need to buy

a birthday present for Carrie.

Arthur, if you're broke...

You know, why don't you
make her something?

You guys do ceramics at
the senior center, don't you?

Last week, I made an ashtray
of a woman lying on her back,

but the location
of the cigarette nook

proved controversial.

Okay, no ashtray.

Oh, I made my mom
a collage once

and she just flipped.
Really?

Yeah, yeah. You must have
old pictures of Carrie,

like, when she was a little kid?

You just arrange them
and frame it

and it'll be better than any
expensive gift you can get her

because it comes
from your heart.

I love it.
Great.

Now if you'll spot me a 20,

I'd love to treat you
to lunch.

Hey, you know, now that
those people are remodeling,

you officially have the
crappiest house on the block.

N- Hey, no, no, no.
Come on. We gotta go.

It's not safe here.

Oh, God,
I forgot my jacket.

What's going on?

It's just that Carrie's
turning 35 on Saturday,

and she's freakin' out.

Oh, yeah,
35's a bad one.

Hey, but it'll toughen you up
for 40.

Who's talking?

Uh, it's just Deac
came by to pick me up.

You want to come down
and say hello?

Yeah, that's gonna happen.

Okay, then, you-
You have a good one!

I- I tried telling her she looks
beautiful and everything.

She just bites
my head off, you know?

It's like she needs to hear it
from someone else.

You want me to tell her?

Yeah, I'm not crazy
where that might lead.

Deac, you know what? I'll, uh-
I'll meet you at work.

I just gotta make a stop first.

Hey, who wants a cold one?

Yeah, thanks, buddy,
but, uh,

we're not really supposed
to drink on the job.

Hey, I'm not supposed
to put cheese in my cereal.

Doug Heffernan.
Live a couple of doors down.

I got kind of
a weird request for you.

Yeah?

Yeah. Uh, this is my wife,
Carrie.

You guys recognize her?

She walks by here every day
on her way to work.

Yeah, I know her.
Remember?

She flipped us off yesterday.

That's her.

Anyway, I was wondering
if you guys,

you know,
when she walks by later,

wouldn't mind yelling
some dirty stuff at her.

What?
The thing is,

she's turning 35 and she's
a little down on herself,

so if you guys could
tell her that she's hot

and yell out
all the nasty things

you want to do to her and where,
she'd be floating on air.

So you want us to
sexually harass your wife?

Bingo.
You know,

we're not supposed to do
that kind of stuff.

You can't drink on the job.

You can't harass women?

How does anything get built
in this country?

You know, he does
have a point there.

Come on, it would really,
really help me out.

So, what do you
want us to say?

That's all you. You know,
just don't force it.

Just throw it away.

And by the way, you're gonna
have a lot to work with,

'cause whether you like
the balcony or the basement,

she is built to please.

I guess I can say, uh, "Is that
a mirror in your pocket?

'Cause I can see myself
in your pants. "

Yes. I like that.

Don't- Don't be afraid
to speak up.

Yeah, so something like, uh,

"Wait, mamamita,
shake those maracas!"

Now we're cookin' with gas.

What else you got?
I- I could say,

"I-I love your hair,
and I want to cut it off,

and I want to put it
in a box. "

Hey, look what's comin' by!

Oh, damn, she's hot.

Hey, do fries
come with that shake?

Whoo!
Whoo!

Shake those maracas, mama!

and then I want you to

Oh, yeah!

Hey, how was your day?

Great. Hey, how about
steak for dinner, huh?

Mmm.
And you know what?

It has been a while since
I made my man some cupcakes.

Look at all the places
you've been.

You've had some life.

It has been quite a ride.

Oh, my God.
You were at Woodstock?

Yes, I worked security.

It was a magical three days
of kicking hippie ass.

Wow.

Turns out acid really
hampers a person's ability

to defend themselves.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Oh, look. Here's a really cute
picture of Carrie

at one of her birthday parties.

Oh, yes.
That's when she turned 6.

Aw.

I don't see you in any
of these pictures, though.

I wasn't there.

I, uh, boycotted that party

for reasons
well known to her.

Okay, well, I'm sure we can find
a cute one in here.

Oh, look. This is Carrie
at high school graduation.

Huh.

Mm. Were you at that?

No.

I was at a high school
graduation that day,

just not hers.

Well, gosh, Arthur,

I don't see you with Carrie
in any of these pictures.

Well, I was a very busy man.

I was on the road a lot.
I had obligations.

I...

I was a terrible father.

Oh, no, Arthur.
Yes.

Yes, those pictures
don't lie.

I was too busy chasing
the almighty dollar.

Well, it's better
than my dad

who was too busy chasing

the almighty tube of glue.

Why couldn't I
have been at her party?

Why?

Excuse me, Holly.

I need to lie down.

I'm gonna call my dad.

So you bring these guys
doughnuts every morning,

they yell nasty stuff
at your wife,

then she comes home happy
and makes you a pot roast?

Yep. And the dirtier
the talk,

the bigger the portions.

I'm tellin' you, man,
you are playing with fire.

Hey, boys!

Hey.
What's up, Car?

Who wants a Manwich?

Um, sure.

Okay. Honey, I know what
I want to do for my birthday.

Bring it.
So I want to go to Silk.

We are so there.

All right, but I wanna do
something before that.

Oh, that is happening too.

Stop it, sweetie,
stop it. Okay.

You know the mountain bikes
we have in the garage

that we bought
and never used?

I don't know
about never used.

I mean, technically, they are
keeping the fuse box shut.

So you-
You want to go biking now?

Yes. Remember that day
I was feeling so old?

Well, I realized that's
all in your head.

You gotta think young,
you gotta do young things, so...

Red or blue?

The, uh, red one'll
help the cars see you.

Come on, Doug!
You can do it!

It's too steep!

You gotta pedal!

I know how a bike works!

You're in the wrong gear!

Oh, God!

Oh.

Not good.

Aagh!

Hey, Arthur,
how's it going?

Today's my daughter's birthday

and my only gift is
a table full of neglect.

Well, maybe not.

Remember how I told you
I was dating that guy

who works in the photo
department at Walgreen's?

Nobody likes a braggart, Holly.
What's your point?

Well, here's
that picture of Carrie

blowing out
her birthday candles,

except look who's got
his arm around her now.

Oh, my God,
that's me.

But how could that be?
I wasn't there.

Well, no. Josh took
another picture of you

and digitally superimposed it
onto Carrie's birthday picture.

Anybody can do it.

Any witch could do it.

Okay, let's not get bogged down
with the details here.

All I'm saying
is that any picture

you want to put
yourself into,

Josh can do it
for you.

Normally, I don't dabble
in the black arts,

but it sure would
get me out of a pickle.

Red dress, the boy.

I'm gonna throw this out
one more time.

There's a Wendy's
two blocks away

and it's got a playground.

Doug, come on.
We're gonna get in.

I can feel it.

Come on, you used to work
at a club.

Why don't you go talk to
the guy, bouncer to bouncer?

I guess I could do that.
All right, go, go.

Yeah.
Go, baby, go, go, go.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm on the, uh-

I'm on the list. Excuse me.
I'm on the list up here.

I'm on the list. Sorry. He's got
a special list we gotta do.

What's up?

I used to bounce too.
Neon, '91 to '93.

It's Starbucks now.
Like- Like-

Like we need more of those.
You know what I'm saying?

Every corner.
That's a nice set-

Don't touch.

Oh, mama.

Sorry. Sorry.

Guy lost the list.

Ass.

What an ass.

Excuse me.
They lost the li-

I laid some groundwork
is what I did. Good.

He's coming back.
He's coming back. Yeah.

Uh, you two.

You and you.

Oh, thank you.
All right.

Oh, the thing is
it's my birthday

and I don't really want to go in
without my husband, so...

You want to go in or out?

All right, I'm gonna
go get us a table.

I'll meet you
in there, honey.

Hi, is there any possible way
that I could-

Don't touch.

We're both Green Berets.

We're just constantly
testing each other.

Come on, baby.
Time to get up.

We only went to bed
three hours ago. What are you-

Plenty of time to sleep
when we get old. Come on.

Oh, God, they got that
jackhammer working again, huh?

Shut it off!

Stop it.

Morning, boys.

Hey, watch out what
you're doin' with that hose.

This is a family neighborhood.

Okay, baby.

And as for you,
let's get goin'.

We have places to be.

What? Where?

I made a reservation for brunch
at this new place in SoHo.

Oh. All right.

And we're gonna
ride our bikes there.

What?

No, no. No more biking.

Why?
We had fun yesterday.

Carrie,
my seat was in me!

Doug,

I am serious
about this.

I don't want to spend Saturday
nights on the couch anymore.

I want to live life,

but you gotta keep up
with me, all right?

So, what-

What do you want me to do?

Okay, well, I want you to be
more open to things

like taking our bikes
to brunch

and maybe going
to an art gallery.

And I think
we should revisit

the whole Weight Watchers thing.

Okay.

Change of plans.

Whoo-hoo! Look what's comin'!

Yo, baby,
you look hot.

Uh, but not that hot.

Very attractive
for a woman your age.

Oh, yeah, I'd like to see you
stay home and not go out.

Whoo!

Hey, check it out.

Step lightly, chunky.
We fixed that sidewalk.

Yeah, the buffet called.
You win.

You have a mirror
in your pocket?

'Cause you are really fat.

What the hell?

Get in.

She brought us cupcakes.

Sorry my gift was
a little late, darling,

but picking and choosing

from 35 years
of wonderful memories

is no easy chore.

Oh, Dad,
this is so sweet.

See? There we are together
at your sixth birthday party.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

We had some marvelous moments.

Yeah, it's just I don't remember
you and me riding an elephant.

Or going to the Oscars.

That's why we take pictures

Thank you, Daddy.

Mm-hm.

What?
Hey. Uh,

I got a delivery
for a Leonard Montclair.

That's my roommate.
I'll take it.

Hey, you're that bouncer
from the club.

Eh. The one who wouldn't
let me in.

Yeah.

Just give me the package.

No, that's all right.
Uh,

you know, I'm sorry.

See, the problem is

I need the addressee
to sign for it, okay?

So I'm gonna have
to throw you a:

"Don't touch. "

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
No, no.

Don't touch.