All language subtitles for Nikki.Glaser.Someday.Youll.Die.2024.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(echoing footsteps)

- (full volume cheering)
- Hello!

(applause)

What am I? Taylor Swift?

(cheering dies down)

You make a girl feel good.
Thank you so much. I really...

I feel great tonight.
I gotta tell you,

it feels good to feel great

because I've been feeling
pretty bad recently.

I've been battling
a depressive episode,
but I'm out of it.

It was-- It was bad.
It was a postpartum thing.

My friend just had a baby,

and so I've just been
mourning the loss

of that friendship.
(sighs) She gone.

(laughter)

Anyone else
losing friends to babies?

- (cheering, applause)
- Yeah? Yeah. It sucks.

Is anyone else secretly
hoping those friends

lose their babies?
Because that's where I'm at.

- (laughter)
- That's where I'm at!

I feel bad about it.
I don't say this to them.

I just think it as I blow out
my birthday candles,

but you can't help
what you wish.

(laughter)

It's not funny.

My friend just got pregnant
from in vitro.

She was telling me about it.
She was like,

"I spent $30,000
doing in vitro."

I was like, "I'll pay you 40
to get an aborsho.

"Like, if you wanna make
money on this deal,

"I'll Venmo you right now.

"I got money
because I don't got kids, so...

"I don't know what
I'll write in the memo.

"Just like a vacuum emoji.

"I feel like it'll be...
People won't know.

They'll think I like bought
a vintage Hoover from you."

(laughter)

No, I'm thrilled for my friend.
I really am.

She has me in charge
of the baby shower,
which is gonna be fun.

I don't know
what we're gonna do yet.

I think maybe bull riding?
I don't know. Like, I'm just...

A trampoline park?

Like, what activities
should we do?

I was thinking maybe like
a stomach-punching contest

at a staircase museum.

- I don't know.
- (laughter)

Just spitballing.

Fun. It'd be fun.

It's crazy when your friends
start trying to get pregnant

because then you realize
how hard it is

to get pregnant at your age.
I had no idea.

Because I don't want kids.
I've been using birth control,

like an idiot.

The best, most effective
birth control, turns out,

it's being 39
and getting cummed in

- because...
- (cheering)

these girls can't get pregnant!

(laughter)

It's almost like the more
you want a child,

the more God's just like,
"No, I don't think so.

"That's, like,
really desperate and sad.

"You're like...

like a pick-me mom.
Like, you're trying too hard."

(laughter)

He's, like, negging them.
It's so rude.

He's like, "You waited
till you were 37? Really?

"Why do you think I gave you
your period when you were 14?
I mean, what...?

"That wasn't so you'd be
embarrassed in gym class.

That was so you wouldn't
graduate high school."
You know, like...

(laughter)

It's crazy!

It's changed my whole
birth control method, really.

Now, because I don't want kids,

my boyfriend cums in me,
and then we pray together

for a child afterwards.

We hold hands, and we say,
"Please, God.

- We're ready.
We really want one."
- (whooping)

We try not to laugh
when we say it.

We're building a nursery,
just trying to throw God off,

because... he's an asshole.
You know?

We name each of his loads.
It's fun.

We're running out of...
We get lazy sometimes.

There's a lot of Randys, but...

(laughter)

My heart goes out to you if you
have fertility issues, truly,

because it must be
so frustrating to know

you'd be so good at something,

yet God will not
give you a baby.

You've waited long enough
to be good at it.

God's like, "No, sorry."

And then you hear about a teen
who gets raped by her uncle,

and God's like, "Here's twins,"
and you're like,

"What the fuck?
Are you serious?

I'm over here trying."

(cheering and applause)

So, my boyfriend and I have
stopped doing that role-play

because that was risky.
We were playing with fire!

- I had no idea!
- (applause)

(laughs)

I miss that one.
That was a fun role-play.
I was good at it.

I'm a very convincing
naughty niece. I would just...

- (laughter)
- It was, it was good.

I would just be like,
"Uncle David,

"what are you doing here?
This is an all-girls sleepover.

(laughter)

"What do you mean you lost
something in the dryer?

"And you want me to crawl in
and get it out?

(laughter)

Are you sure this is
how you get to Narnia?"

Just stuff like that.
I watch too much porn, whatever.

(laughter)

But everyone's telling me,

"Nikki, at your age,
just freeze your eggs.

Just freeze 'em.
Freeze your eggs."

I'm like, "Can I burn them?
Is that an option?

- Because I hate
this conversation."
- (cheering)

"Just do it."
I know if I don't do it now,

it'll be too late, but I could
always go the adoption route

and give 'em up for adoption,
you know, like that.

I've never wanted kids.

I don't think it's gonna
happen in like the last month

of my fertility.

I just don't want 'em.

Even when I was a kid, I would
get baby dolls for Christmas

and just be like, "Oh, God,
this is gonna be a lot of work.

This is just-- This is
gonna cut into nap time."

(laughter)

I tried to abandon it in front
of my brother's toy firehouse.

Just anything.
"Get this away from me."

(laughter)

And I don't like how adults talk
to you when you have baby dolls.

They're like,
"Is that your baby?

Are you its mommy?
Is that your baby?"

I'm like, "No, a man didn't
fuck me, Aunt Gail.

-"This is...
- (laughter)

I don't like your tone."

No wonder women
rush to have kids.

We're being trained for it
since we were kids.

They're like,
"Here's a baby doll.

Here's an Easy-Bake Oven."

I got one of those.
I stuck my head in it.

I was like,
"I want out of this narrative.

This is my life?"

I just don't get wanting kids.

I don't get it.
And I think I'm right

because I think biology had to
trick us into having kids.

That's why sex feels good.

(laughter)

Orgasms feel as good

as kids are shitty.

That is--
They're directly correlated.

(laughter, cheering)

(applause)

We are the only animal species
who actively want kids,

if you think about it.
You've never seen two dogs like,

-"We're trying.
- (laughter)

"It's been really hard.

She's 12, so you know."

And you're like,
"What? Oh, dog years.

"Okay.
I guess that's acceptable.

I thought you were a puppofile,
but..."

Kids slow you down
in the animal kingdom.

They make you
more susceptible to prey.

They deplete your resources.

God, if animals could jerk off,

- there'd be no animals. Like...
- (laughter)

It's the only reason
they happen.

They don't connect it.
You ever seen an animal

give birth on like a nature
documentary show?

There's a giraffe giving birth.
It's in active labor.

It doesn't even know.
It's just like, kind of like,
"(shuddering) Oh, God."

Shaking, just like,
"What's happening?"

There's no like doula hyena
next to it, like, "Breathe!"
- (laughter)

(laughs) Well,
maybe there's a hyena,

but it's waiting
for its lunch to drop.

- Like it knows more than
the giraffe knows.
- (laughter)

The giraffe is like,
"What's happening?"

It just thinks it's constipated.
Then it looks down. It's like,

"Why am I shitting legs?
What is happening?"

It's just like, aaah!

And then a giraffe falls
out of it, and it goes, "Whoa!"

- And then it like runs from it.
- (laughter)

Its first instinct is to split

like a teen mom
in a Del Taco bathroom.

Just like, "I can get outta
here. No one will know.

(applause)

"If it doesn't flush,
I'll just say

it was the Epic Loaded Burrito.
It looks the same."

- (laughter)
- But...

The giraffe wants to leave.

It knows what a burden
this thing is gonna be,

but it stays because it catches
a whiff of it,

and it goes like (sniffing),
and it kinda smells it and goes,

"Oh, fuck,
I think I love it! Fuck!

- (laughter)
-"Oh no!

This is gonna get me murdered
by a lion. Fuck."

It doesn't even know. It's like,
"How did this happen?"

It's kinda going back,
like, "When did this..."
And then it goes,

"Oh yeah, I got raped
that one time 15 months ago

by the other giraffe,"
because all animal sex is rape.

Sorry to tell you this way,
but it's true.

(giggles)

The giraffe's just like, "Oh,
I guess it's probably my fault.

"I shouldn't have been
wearing animal print.

- No, that was on me.
That's on me."
- (laughter, cheering)

But I, I...

I get why you have kids. I...

I don't get it.
I was trying to be nice.

- (laughter)
- I really don't get it.

I don't get it.

I mean, I do think there is
something different than me

and people who want kids.
I think, um,

I think I'm different
than people who want kids

- because I'm... smart.
I think that that's mainly it.
- (laughter)

I'm a more intelligent person,
and I think things through.

No, (laughs) I don't think that.

No, I actually think that people
that want kids are stupid.

- (cheering)
- Like I think they're dumb,

and they just
kind of go with whatever.

No, I don't think that
at all either. I really don't.

Listen, I get why you have kids.

- I'm not so naïve.
- (laughter)

Like it's because you love them.

That's a great feeling
to feel the love

that you have for your child.

It's a feeling I've heard of,
and it sounds so good,

and I might not get to feel it,

and sometimes I get
bummed out by that.

I'm like, "Is this
a human life worth living

to not feel that great love?"

And then, I think about,
you know, you don't get to feel

- every feeling in life
that's good, you know?
- (laughter)

Like, I also have
no plans on doing heroin.

Like I hear that feeling's
pretty great.

I hear it might be better
than the kid feeling,

- to be honest with you.
- (laughter)

Because I know people
who have kids who do heroin,

and they're like, "Kids-shmids.
Leave 'em in the car.

"Let's go get more heroin.
Crack a window.

(laughter)

"Actually, bring the kid.
Let's sell it for heroin.

"I don't care about this kid
because I love heroin.

"Yes, I'd die for my kids,
but I will die of heroin.

- That is certain."
- (laughter)

So, I don't know.

Who am I to say what's
gonna happen with me?

I could change my mind.

Maybe I just haven't met
the right person yet

- to do heroin with,
but I just...
- (laughter)

Someday, I'll just tie the knot,
and it'll be right here.

(laughter, applause)

I think this is the arm with
the good vein. I don't know.

(giggles)

I do get-- that love
that you feel, holy shit.

I think that's why
I don't want kids

is because I'm actually
scared of that love.

Loving something that much
terrifies me.

That's so brave
that you took that on.

If you're a parent,
you put your entire life

into the hands of
a toddler who's like,

-"Traffic!" Just like,
what the fuck? Like...
- (laughter)

Do you also free solo climb?

Like, that's crazy
that you did that.

That's so risky
because I, I mean,

I'm almost mad at
my sister for having kids

because the way I feel
about my niece and nephew,

if anything ever happened
to them, like, I would...

- I'd be okay.
I'd be okay eventually.
- (laughter)

At first, it would be the worst!

Oh, it'd be awful, but then,
like, a Taylor Swift album

would come out. Like,
I would kind of like rebound.

I would have moments of like,

"I'm back to my old self."
But, my sister,

no Taylor Swift will get her
out of that, you know?

It's over for her
if something happens.

That's extremely risky.

That's really impressive to me
to take on that.

I think it's just
I look at being a mom,

and I think it's too hard
to be a mom for me. I just...

Actually, no.
It's not hard to be a mom.

It's hard to be a good mom.
That's...

It's easy to be a bad mom.

- That's so easy,
but to be a good mom is hard.
- (cheering)

To be a bad mom, that's as easy
as being a great dad.

- That's what that is.
- (laughter)

(cheering)

- Yeah.
- (applause)

It's a cakewalk, you know it.

It's not your fault.
It's just the way it is.

And I know there are some dads
that do just as much as moms,

and it's because
your wife is dead.

- (laughter)
- That's probably why.

Otherwise, it doesn't happen.

But some people just know, man.
Some moms just know.

"I always knew I would be
a mom," that's what they say.

(breathy)
"I always knew
I would be a mom."

(normal)
They have to say it
with that ethereal, breathy,

- condescending tone.
- (laughter)

(breathy)
"You struggle with the decision?

I always knew
I'd be a mom."

(laughter)

Oh, wow. I always knew
I'd mute you on Instagram.

(cheering)

They're like,
"I'm a mom. I'm a mom.

I'm a mama bear.
I'm a mom-om-om."

(normal)
Why do you have to say
it like that? Just say,

"I'm a-- I'm a mom."
Like you don't have to go,

-"Mom... mm... (smacking)
- (laughter)

I wish you could taste
how good it feels to be a mom."

(moaning, smacking)

They swallow the "mama."
Mm...

Like, I wish you would've
swallowed your husband's load

- because this persona
that you've adopted?
- (laughter)

It's insufferable.

(cheering)

I think some moms think
that if you don't have kids,

you're a selfish person,
and I get that.

I think it's a little selfish
of me to not want kids,

but I'll admit it. Yeah.

I just don't feel like
devoting my free time

to something
that could marry a DJ.

- I just think that's reckless.
- (laughter)

(cheering)

And I know that there are moms
that are like,

"I'm just not as
self-obsessed anymore.

It's just not about me anymore."
And I'm like,

"Yeah, we can tell.

"Your hair looks like you've
always rubbed a balloon on it.

(laughter)

"You dress like you work
in a toll booth.

"I get it that you don't
work on you anymore,

but you focus on your child.
That's an extension of you."

Having a kid doesn't make you
just a selfless person suddenly.

I don't see women
becoming moms and going,

"I'm gonna go volunteer
in a soup kitchen.

I'm gonna go build
a home in Honduras."

No, you're just feeding Cheerios

to something that
looks like you. Like that...

(laughter)

Thank you for doing that.
It's a noble job,

but you're treating
a problem that you caused.

Like this wouldn't be here
if you didn't have it.

(cheering)

It's hard work, but you
signed up for it, you know?

You can't be like,
"I pick up litter!"
And it's like, yeah,

but you threw it there.
Like, this isn't...

- (cheering)
- (giggles)

I don't think your kids
are trash, by the way.
That's not what I meant.

I don't. I'm so grateful
that you have them

because we need kids.

We need future people to save us

from the state
the world is in right now.

I don't know if you've noticed,
it's kinda... it's kinda ending.

- (laughter)
- Things are coming
to a close, and yeah.

Maybe you didn't notice
if you had kids

because why would you do that?
I mean...

Your kid's gonna graduate
high school in a bunker,

- but that's fine. I mean...
- (laughter)

I'm sure your kid will be
just fine in the water wars,

- I'm sure. Yeah.
- (laughter)

Your kid,
who won't eat a turkey slice

"Because it touched a pickle!"

(laughter)

He'll be fine
eating canned beans

for decades in
a hole in the ground. He'll--

- Finleigh with a "GH"
is gonna do just...
- (laughter)

just fine scavenging
for drinking water

in ammunition craters.
Whatever we have to do.

He's gonna be great.

No, if anyone saves us,
it's gonna be your kid.

We need someone to save us,

and if someone saves us,
it'll be your...

- Well, not your kid,
no offense, but...
- (laughter)

you paid money
to see a comedian

who mostly talks
about her pussy,

- so I just don't think
that your kid...
- (laughter)

Neither would mine. (laughs)
And I will talk about my pussy.

- I just wanna let you know.
The night is young.
- (cheering)

My pussy is old.
You'll hear about it.

But, yeah, Greta Thunberg's
parents aren't here tonight.

- I'm sorry.
- (laughter)

Our kids would not
save the world.

You know that. I mean,

they might bully the kid
who would save the world.

(laughter)

And then, that kid
won't save the world

because our kid called them
gay on Facebook, so, I mean...

(laughter)

- It's okay. It's...
- (woman whoops)

Having kids is smart, actually.

It actually is the smart thing
to do. You're wise to do it

because someday
you're gonna get old,

and no one is gonna
care about you anymore.

Alright? But,

if you have kids,

- someone might?
- (laughter)

They might!
You might get lucky.

It's gonna be your kid, right?

Having a son or daughter
is just having a future person

who's like, "Yeah,
I gotta go see Dad later.

(annoyed sigh)

"Yeah, I need to get
some more Vicodin.

"So, yeah.

"Gotta go check in on him
at the home.

"Yeah, I hear he's calling
the nurses the N-word,

-"so I gotta...
- (laughter)

"I gotta go see that...

Because they're white,
that's hilarious. So, uh..."

(laughter)

(giggles) It's true.

Your kids will take care of you.
That's a good thing to do.

That's insurance.
I don't have that.

If I get old, who's gonna
care for me? You know?

- speaker: I got you, Nikki!
- No, you don't, sir.

(laughter)

I don't think you do.

(cheering)

Famous women do have caretakers
when they get older,

but they're gay men, okay?
That's our only hope.

- (cheering)
- And that didn't sound
like one to me.

(applause)

Yeah, I do worry about that.
I'm like,

"What if I don't have kids?
Who's gonna care for me?"

Not my niece and nephew after
that fucking joke I just told,

- so...
- (laughter)

I gotta have a plan.
And I do have a plan

because I always forget
I'm gonna kill myself.

- I always... Duh!
- (laughter)

- Yeah. I know, but, like...
- (applause)

(breathy)
I've, like, always known
I was gonna kill myself.

- (laughter)
- Like, I've just, like,
always known.

Mm...

(normal)
No, I'm not gonna do it
anytime soon.

Don't worry.
I know that's grim.

It'll be so far in the future.

You'll hear about it,
I swear to God, and you'll go,

-"Wait, who?" Like...
- (laughter)

You'll go, "Oh, wait, yeah.
I think we went to go see her,

"like, 40 years ago.

"I think she talked about that!
Oh, my God!

-"She did? Good for her. Ah!
- (laughter)

"Yeah. I remember
that night in Seattle,

when it was still above water.
That was fun."

(laughter)

Yeah, the thoughts of death,
I don't like to dwell on them

for longer than, like,
10 or 15 hours a day, so...

(laughter)

I hope that when I get
to the end of my life,

I'm just like,
"Oh, I have to die?

-"Thank God. Jesus Christ.
- (laughter)

"This has been so long.
I'm just ready for a break,
you know?

"I just really wanna unplug...

-"that ventilator. Please.
Just let me go.
- (laughter)

Anyone? Anyone?"

- I'll be alone.
I don't have kids.
- (cheering)

But it has to happen!

You have to die at some point,
and I don't like that.

But that's the thing
about death. It has to happen.

We all know it.
And I don't like

that I just have to wait
and see, like,

(funny voice)
"What's gonna happen?
How's it gonna--

How am I gonna go?"
You know?

(normal) I like to choose
my own adventure.

I'm a DIY kind of gal, you know?

I wanna get crafty.
I wanna go to a Michael's

and pick out some sturdy yarn,

- crochet a noose.
I don't know. I'm just...
- (laughter)

Think it could be fun.

But it sucks in America.

You just have to die
of whatever you get, you know?

Your dog doesn't have to.
You can put down your dog

- if its hip kind of hurts.
- (laughter)

They're so lucky.

Can you imagine going to
your doctor and being like,

"My acid reflux is just
flaring up recently, so...

-"can we just end it?
Like, can we just...
- (laughter)

It's been a good life.
It's time."

It's a compassionate thing
to do for your dog.

People are like,
"We had to put down Stripey

"because she can't walk down
the stairs anymore,

and that's not a life
worth living."

But Grandma can only communicate
with her eyeballs,

yet we just think
she's got more life to live.

Let's keep paying
$8,000 a month

because there's more chapters
to her story!

- (laughter)
- There are! I mean,
just yesterday,

she bit a nurse,
so who's to say?

(giggles) Yeah,
I hope to be able to die

with dignity when I want to.
Euthanasia, peacefully.

But I don't know, man.

I think I might have to just
blow my head off.

I know it's rough,
but it's quick,

and guns are easier to get
in this country than compassion,

- so what am I supposed to do?
- (laughter)

(applause, cheering)

It's not fair.

My mom hates that joke.
She goes, "Stop telling people

"you're gonna
blow your head off.

"No one wants to hear.
That's disgusting.
It's disturbing!

I don't wanna think about that!"

And I go, "You know what, Mom?
Actually, you're right.

"That is really disturbing.

"For you, I'll die
of esophageal cancer.

-"Is that better for you?
- (laughter)

"I want you there for it.
It'll look something like this.

"I'll be in a wheelchair,
just like...

- (gagged yelling)
- (laughter)

"For, like, 11 minutes.
Is that cool?

"Until I finally choke
and drown on my own saliva.

"I'll lock eyes with you
the entire time.

-"I think you should be there!
- (laughter)

That's better than me
blowing my head off, right?"

Neither are ideal, but at least
if I blow my head off,

I could stuff my mouth
with confetti.

- We'll do a gender reveal.
I don't know, let's just...
- (laughter)

It could be festive!

We'll usher one life
into the world

as we snuff out my own.
I think it could be cool.

Listen, I know this is taboo.

I know suicide is a scourge
on our nation,

and it's a subject
that's a little touchy,

but I actually feel like I have
a right to talk about it

because... (sighs)

uh, I'm gonna kill myself
someday, so, like, I...

(laughter)

I'm a future victim of it,
so I can talk about it.

That's what comedians
do a lot of times.

They'll like caveat a joke
that they're scared to tell

because they don't wanna get
canceled, so they'll be like,

"But I can do this because
bah bah bah bah." You know?

Like, if I were to say
right now,

"Guys, I'm gonna do
some rape jokes,"

- you might go, "Go back
to the suicide stuff, please."
- (laughter)

But if I said,
"But I can do these jokes

because I've been raped,"

you'd go, "Oh, thank God
she was raped. Okay, good.

- (laughter)
-"Hoo! I thought
she hadn't been raped.

"Thank God
she was brutally raped.

Now, I can relax.

- I was nervous before."
- (laughter)

That seems weird.

But comedians are scared
of getting canceled,

so they have
to do these caveats.

They either say,
"It happened to me,"

or they'll say,
"My family has this,"

and then they throw
their relative under the bus

just to make their joke.
You've seen this before.

There'll be a comedian
that has a really bad take

on trans people,
and they'll do all these jokes,

and then they go,
"I can do these jokes, actually,

"because I have
a trans sister... radio,

-"and I listen to
Fox News on it.
- (laughter)

"So I'm misinformed
and I'm an asshole,

and I think it's weird.
I think they're weird."

I'm like, "Can you transition
into less of a cunt?

- Is that possible?"
- (cheering)

(applause)

So annoying.
It's true.

I have jokes though that
I wanna do that I can't

because I don't have any
family members with, uh,

autism.
That's the jokes I have.

I can't. I have autism jokes
because I've dated guys with it,

and they were diagnosed
by me and TikTok,

- so I know that they have it.
- (laughter)

It's confirmed,
but I can't do the jokes

because I don't have any
family members with autism.

I will say my nephew
is two and a half,

and he isn't talking yet,
so fingers crossed, but like...

(laughter)

We didn't get a diagnosis
in time for this special, so mm!

(laughs) It's a bummer.

I'll get canceled
at some point.

The cancel train is coming for
old Glase-talk, for sure.

And my nephew is gonna
love that train because...

- But, um...
- (laughter)

I got one in. I got one in!

(giggles)

No, but I really do suffer
with suicidal thoughts.

I have depression. I get
suicidal thoughts quite often,

and it's something
I've struggled with a long time,

and I've felt alone
a lot of times

with my suicidal thoughts.
But then,

I actually talked
about it for the first time

on the Joe Rogan podcast,
and the response I got,

it was crazy.

I got hundreds of DMs
telling me,

"You should kill yourself."
And so, I was like,

other people think it, too.
I'm not alone, you know?

No, they're very common,
and if you get them,

please don't listen to them.

I know that if they ever
get too loud for me,

I'm gonna call
the number 988.

It's a hotline, 24 hours a day.
There's someone there

- who will listen to you...
kill yourself.
- (cheering)

(laughter, applause)

No. Call 988.
You have to call it.

Please, please, please do.

It's just like 911,
but it's 988.

Please remember it, 988.

Don't call 911.

For some reason,
they had to create a new number.

I guess people
were calling 911, like,

"I think I'm gonna kill myself,"
and they're like,

"Call us when you do,"
and just hang up. I...

- (laughter)
- Okay.

It's really hard to get
out of depression.

Sometimes, the best way to do it

is just to get out of
your own head and to give back,

and I actually decided tonight
to donate the proceeds

from this show directly
to this natural disaster

I've been following. There is
a landslide currently happening

on my face. It's my skin

slipping off my skull,

like hot cheese
off a slice of pizza

that you pulled out too fast.

- It's alarming.
- (applause)

- Is anyone else aging?
Jesus Christ.
- speaker: Yeah!

Yeah. Oh, I can tell.

- (laughter)
- It's-- No, I can't see you.

Gravity is such a cunt, dude,
I can't...

(laughter)

What I want, I'm gonna use
the money from tonight,

I'm gonna get a brow lift.
Like, I just want this.

I know I want this because
every time I'm stressed out,

and I'm like, "Oh, God!
I have so much to do,"

I'm like,
"Oh, my God, snatch."

- (laughter)
- I'll look in the mirror, like,

"Okay! What?

I've never felt worse,
but I've never looked better."

- (laughter)
- I like love bad news now.

When I hear about
a mass shooting,
I'm like, "No! Again?"

And then I'm like,
"Wait, am I on 'Selling Sunset'?

-"What's happening?
Tell me how many casualties.
- (laughter)

- 47? Oh, Chrishell!"
- (cheering)

(giggles)

(sighs)
There's a shooting every day,

so it's been really good
for my skin. Um...

People don't want you
to get face work.

My boyfriend's like,
"Don't do it.

Don't do anything to your
perfect face. Do your tits."

- And I go, "What?
What did you..."
- (laughter)

I'll get to these. I don't need
to get to 'em any time soon.

I mean, they're definitely
falling, but, like,

this is kinda in right now,
you know?

Fashion-wise,
under-boob is so in.

Side-boob, so cool,
and that is all I have.

(laughter, cheering)

I got so much under-boob,
so much side-boob.

- I got no top-boob, none.
- (cheering)

I haven't had top-boob
since Whitney Houston died.
I mean, that was...

(scattered groans)

It was seriously around
that time! Now, it's just...

I mean,
it's kinda changed my life.

- Titty fucking is better.
- (laughter)

My boyfriend just puts
his penis next to my rib,

and I flop over my tit
like a weighted blanket,

and then I just
move from side to side.

- I just go like this.
- (cheering)

He stands next to the bed.
I kneel,

and I just, I do this.
I'm like a cactus.

One of those cactuses
with sunglasses that's like,

(humming) It's so easy!

I used to have to smush it
and be like, "Wah!"

- But now, it's just (humming).
- (laughter)

It's great for older women.

That's definitely what they
were doing in the fantasy suite

on "The Golden Bachelor."
That is absolutely...

They were just doing
the funky cactus all night long.

(laughter)

But yeah, aging blows.

And if you're younger than me,
girls in your 20s...

- and 30s... (laughs) Fuck.
- (laughter)

I forgot how old I am.
I'm in my late 30s, okay?

I'm in my latest 30, and so...

(laughter)

Holdin' on. But yeah.

You will age.
Everyone, all girls in your 20s,

you will age.
I know you think you won't.

I used to be like you.
You'd look at women
like me or older,

and you just kind of go like,
"That's so sad.

"What's happening to her neck?
Like, that's such a bummer.

"That's not gonna happen to me.
I don't know.

"I just don't wanna age.
I just don't feel like it.

"I know my mom
and grandmother did,

but our generation's different.
Like I wanna travel. You know?"

- (laughter)
- It's like, "What?

No, you're gonna age. You
will."

This area, this... (laughs)

- I know you see this,
and you go, "Oh, no."
- (laughter)

But that's your future, man.
Your neck is also gonna look

like an old tarp
next to your dad's shed.

- (laughter)
- This is all falling down.

It will!
Please keep vaping.

(laughter)

Please, please keep vaping.

Everything goes.
This buttress falls.

Your eyelids. I actually sent
a picture of my eyelids

- for the inspiration
for this backdrop. That was...
- (laughter)

- That's my upper eyelid.
- (applause)

That's my left labia.

(laughter)

I f-- (laughs)

My pussy is falling as well.
It's all falling.

You don't even think about it.
You don't think about that part.

You're so obsessed
with your face because
you see it all the time,

but I saw my vagina
the other day.

We ran into each other
in the bathtub.

- (laughter)
- And I try not to see
that thing too often.

I don't like seeing it.
It bums me out.

It's like reading the news.
I'm depressed for a couple days,

can't shake it.

I try to see my pussy
as often as, uh,

as my dentist sees it,
so that's...

- (laughter)
- Yeah.

I'm just so worried
it's gonna grow teeth.

It's a weird fear of mine.

He checks, he goes,
"There's no teeth."

And I go,
"Just wanted you to check."

He's like,
"All I see is one big cavity,"

- and I go, "Okay. Ha, ha, ha."
- (laughter)

He's like, "I can fill it
for you," and I go, "Enough!"

(laughter)

I gotta make an effort
to see my vagina more often.

I gotta (laughs) put an alarm
on my phone.

Because if you wait too long,
it changes too much,

and it's jarring.

It's like seeing a nephew
you only see, like,

once a year at Christmas.
You're like,

"you've grown so much.
Oh, my God!

-"Now you have a mustache?
What? Oh, what's happening?
- (laughter)

Time flies."

Yeah, I saw my vagina
just a few weeks ago.

I was on the road.
I was in Milwaukee.

I decided to take a bath
in this DoubleTree tub.

I had no bubbles,
which bubbles, y--

If you take a bath, bubbles--

that's why old women
use bubbles in bathtubs.

- (laughter)
- It hides the truth.

It's just, you don't wanna
see that shit.

But I had no bubbles.

It's just this stark
DoubleTree bathroom,

autopsy lighting.

I'm in a tub that someone's
definitely shit in

in the past two weeks.

(laughter)

I think that's the DoubleTree
promise, you know?

You get two warm cookies
upon check-in,

and someone's definitely shit in
your tub in the past two weeks.

We guarantee it.

But I'm in this tub,
and I turn off the water,

and then the water just gets
a little too still,

and I just caught its eye.
I'm like...

- (laughter)
- I just, "Oh, my God."

And then, I'm face-to-face
with it, and I'm looking at it,

and that face

is Mitch McConnell's.
I mean, it is a dead ringer.

(cheering)

It was befuddled, jowly.

It was like (burbling).

I was like,
"Oh, my God, he's drowning!"

I got him out. I dried him off.
I go, "What is it, boy?"

(burbling)

I was like, "Take that string
out of your mouth."

- So, I pulled it out, and...
- (laughter)

I'm like, "Now,
you're bleeding!" But, no.

It sucks.

It's what it looks like.
It's happening. It's dropping.

My pussy's dropping...

outta high school.
It's, uh,

it's hanging with the wrong
crowd. My ankles. But...

(laughter)

I just miss my old vagina.

I used to have a wet ass pussy.

(cheering)

I did. Now that song, I hear it,

- I get nostalgic.
I get like misty-eyed.
- (laughter)

Tear up. It's like (laughs)--

It's like listening
to Cat Stevens.

(laughter)

"I remember."
Yeah, I don't have a wet ass--

I don't have a WAP anymore.
I have...

I have a dry, irritable crotch.

- I have a...
- (laughter)

I have a dick is what I have.
I have a--

- (cheering)
- I have a dick. Any--

Where are my chicks
with dicks at?

- (laughter)
- 35-plus.

It's just, it's...

I miss my 20s, man.
I was wet all the time.

I just, I didn't know
what I had when I had it.

I was like annoyed by it.
You're wet your whole 20s.

I mean, I worked at SeaWorld,
so that was part of it,

- but God. (giggles)
- (cheering)

- Animal cruelty just
turns me on so much, but.
- (laughter)

No. Your 20s, you're wet all
the time. You're annoyed by it.

You're just constantly
walking around

with a little dollop
of hair gel in your panties.

- So, it's like,
"Ugh, that's gross."
- (laughter)

You forget about it.
You go to the bathroom,

you're just like kinda
having a mundane pee.

Then you go to wipe, and you
forget how slick you are.

You hit a patch,
you hydroplane. You're like,

-"Ah, Jesus Christ! Ow..."
- (laughter)

You hit your hand on
the stall door. You're like,

"Who did this to me?
What the fuck?

"Who do I need to leave
my boyfriend for?

- My Jesus Christ.
Sloppy, sloppy."
- (laughter)

I rarely like get that (blows)
like that gush anymore.

Sometimes, it happens.
I remember whenever it does

because it's just
my last moments

of like (sputtering)
try to make a kid,

fertility.

Feels like God's just doing this
with a ketchup bottle,

- (blowing) like
the last remnants.
- (laughter)

"Come on, we got it."

- (applause)
- (giggles)

But, girls, just enjoy your
fuckability while you have it

because it's gonna go away,
and mine is fading.

I know that. I got into
an Uber the other day,

and I rolled up
with a bunch of suitcases,

and the Uber driver
just popped the trunk

- and sat in the front seat.
- (laughter)

Great. I was like, is this
the first sign of menopause?

What's happening right now?
Why isn't this man helping me?

Because it's great
when you're fuckable.

Men wanna help you
all the time.

They do such nice
things for you.

They get their bags for you.
They open doors for you.

They pay for your college
tuition. Thanks, Dad.

- (laughter)
- I don't wanna question
why he did it. (giggles)

But I'm a rangy broad, man.

Like, I know what it's like
to be fuckable,

and I know what it's like
to not be fuckable.

I do. I straddle both worlds.
I really do.

With enough hair and makeup
and good lighting,

I can resemble Kristen Bell.
I really can.

- (laughter)
- But I swear--
Don't laugh at that.

Jesus Christ.
That wasn't a joke.

- (laughter)
- You were supposed to go,
"Yeah, I see it.

Yeah, she does."

You're supposed to be
dead quiet for that part.

- What the fuck
was that? (giggles)
- (laughter)

No, I can! If I have
enough hair and makeup,

some people have been like,
"You look like Kristen Bell."

And I'm like, "Thank you!"
But I know that every morning,

- my boyfriend wakes up
to Dax Shepard. I mean...
- (laughter)

That's my range.

That's what
I look like without makeup.

Makeup makes you
look like a woman.

Otherwise, you look like a man,
you know?

It's true. I'll prove it.

If I asked you
to draw a smiley face,

and I was like,
"Now, make it a girl."

You wouldn't just, like,

scribble like
a pussy underneath.

- Like, who even knows
how to draw that?
- (laughter)

You wouldn't make it
holding less money.

- (laughter)
- You would just...
draw eyelashes on it.

You'd put makeup on it.

That's what
differentiates us.

So, without makeup,
I look, I look way different.

I never get recognized ever!

You know, because
people see me on TV,

and I don't look the same
without makeup.

The other day,
I was actually recognized

without makeup,
and I got offended.

- (laughter)
- I did!

He asked for my autograph.
I was like, "Fuck you.

You think Nikki Glaser
looks like this?"

- (laughter)
- And he was like,
"Oh, no. Sorry.

I thought you were
Dog the Bounty Hunter."

And I go, "Oh, wait.
Well, come back here, son.

(scratchy)
I'll sign that hub cap for you.
You get on back here."

(normal)
I don't wanna disappoint
a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan.

(laughter)

Yeah, I'm a rangy broad, man.

But I can look pretty hot.

I was accidentally hot
at a Trader Joe's recently.

(laughter)

I didn't mean to be.

I was coming home
from a photo shoot,

and I stopped
at a grocery store,

and I was lookin' good,

and I was gettin' flirted
with by the cashier,

and then he cleared my order
and was like, "Get outta here."

I was like, "What?"
He was like,
"It's on the house."

And I was like...

-"Is your dad Joe? Like is...
- (laughter)

- Can you authorize this?"
- (applause)

I was like, "Don't you have
to ring a bell or some shit?

- What's going on?"
- (laughter)

He was like,
"Go, get outta here."

I was like, "Thank you!"
He was like, "Stay beautiful."

And I was like, "Alright."

- Was that a threat?
What the fuck was that?
- (laughter)

What happens if I don't?

Because I can't stay beautiful.
I have to go back here.

This is my neighborhood
Trader Joe's!

I had to go back the next day.
I was wearing no makeup.

I was scared to see the guy,
but he was there,

and he had me arrested
for shoplifting the day before.

- (laughter)
- He was like, "I told you
to stay beautiful."

It's like, "Go back to ALDI."
I was (crying) "Okay."

No. It's so funny to get upset
about aging as a woman

because at some point,
you do have to age completely,
you know?

And you wanna age completely.

Someday, I hope to age
to the point of unfuckability.

You know why?
Because I don't want anyone

trying to fuck me when I'm 95.

I don't have the bone density

- or the muscle mass
to fight you off.
- (laughter)

It's a survival tool
that I be revolting to you.

There's not-- there shouldn't be
hot 95-year-olds.

Hot 95 is a radio station,
not a person, okay?

- (laughter)
- So, you should be so gross
at some point.

That means that someday,
I'm gonna be 0% fuckable.

That means I'm a dying battery
of hotness, okay?

And I can plug myself into
little portable chargers

here and there but eventually,
it's gonna go completely,

and what a great day
that will be.

But until then, I'm fighting it.

And that's the paradox
of being a woman.

You're trying to stay
beautiful for so long.

You try to stay fuckable,

but at some point
you just have to let go.

And that day is usually the day
that you cut your hair

above your ear lobes.
I think that's the day you go,

-"Bye-bye, fuckability.
- (laughter)

"I don't care anymore if men
wanna stick their dick in me.

It's exhausting, and I'm tired."

I love that day.
Fuck yeah.

I love older women
with funky haircuts.

They commit to getting
attention in other ways.

No one wants to fuck them,
but they get chunky earrings.

They're like,
"This is my personality.

"This one's a bumblebee!

"And this is a watermelon slice,

"and I have fun, crazy glasses!

And here's a big flowery broach
on my saggy tit."

And they're like, "Look here!

"And here! There's life!
Because down there,

"nothing. So up here...

"I'm not fuckable,
but you could pollinate me.

Like let's... let's go."

But I don't think
I'll be able to give in

as soon as most people can.

It's gotta be nice
to just give up,

but I, I work in Hollywood,
so I gotta hold on.

Hollywood's not very kind
to older women.

You know, sex sells.

- If you're saggin',
they're gaggin'.
- (laughter)

That's what my agent texts me
every day, and I go, "I know."

I do everything I can
to stay young-looking.

I really do. I do Botox.
I do filler.

Sometimes, I do too much filler,

and I look like the guy
from the "Saw" movies

- who gives the challenges.
- (laughter)

I do lasers and micro-needling,

and those things are
so harsh on your skin.

I recently got micro-needled,
and I couldn't leave the house

for three days
because if I did,

it looked like I got mouthy
in a car ride with Chris Brown.

- (groaning, laughter)
- It looked like I was trying
to give him directions

where he knew
where he was going.

Are you groaning?
(giggles)

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

to offend any Chris Brown fans.
I mean...

(laughter)

I mean, I look like Chris Brown

loves me very, very much

and just wants
what's best for me.

(scattered applause)

But yeah, I gotta, I gotta
stay hot in Hollywood.

If you're not textbook hot,
you gotta work so hard.

You gotta be like the most
talented ever, you know?

Remember Susan Boyle?
Remember?

Remember that video?
You should watch it again.

It didn't age well,
much like her.

It didn't, it didn't--
doesn't hold up.

This woman walks out on stage,
if you don't remember,

and she has the audacity

to go on a talent competition

- at the age of 47.
- (laughter)

She's just an old woman
on a talent show,

and the audience
can't fucking handle it.

They're freaking out,
just like, "What is this?"

They're jeering, they're booing,
they're hissing.

They're puking
in the aisles, like (gagging).

(laughter)

They're like,
"Go back to your shoe!"

- (laughter)
- They're just horrified by her.

Like, "What is her talent?
Feeding pigeons?

It's disgusting.
She can't even talk."

They're so mad. And then,
she finally gets to sing, right?

Simon Cowell just crosses
his arms over his fucking tits,

- and he's just like,
"Alright, what do you got?"
- (laughter)

And she of course sings,
and it's like...

♪ I dreamed a dream
of time gone by ♪

- And it's like...
- (cheering)

"Oh, my God.

-"She should live. Like, we...
- (laughter)

"should keep her.
Let's not stone her to death.

"That was gonna be fun,
doing a public stoning.

"But she has value now.
Before, she didn't.

"But maybe I can tolerate
her disgusting head

- now that her voice
sounds so good."
- (laughter)

What the fuck, you know?

But it's, it's hard to
not be conventionally hot.

It just is.
It's a harder life,

and that's why it makes sense
to try to stay hot.

It's not a vapid pursuit.

You know, if you're not
conventionally hot,

you gotta work harder.
I mean, look,

- look at short men,
if you can find 'em.
- (laughter)

The closest one may be
in front of you.

I have a short boyfriend,
so I know, you know?

I had to go short
because I wanted a hot guy.

I wanted a good face.

So if you want a good face,
you gotta go, you gotta
take some hits.

- (laughter)
- That's my, that's my secret.

If you want a 10 in the face,
you gotta go 5'7" in the height.

That's just the way it goes.

I could never get my boyfriend's
face on a taller model.

There's no way.
But I got him on discount.

- He's marked down.
You know, he's a defect.
- (laughter)

We met at TJ Maxx.

(applause)

He's really good-looking.
Sometimes,

I post a picture of us,
and girls are like,

"Good job, girl. How'd you
get that?" I'm like,

"If you zoomed out, you'd see
he's sitting on my lap."

So, this is a tiny man.

(laughter)

I had to go digging in
the bargain bin for this one,

went deep.

But I love short guys. I like
to stand up for you because--

I mean, I sit down for you
when I'm talking in conversation

to make you more comfortable,

but I stand up
for you figuratively

because I don't, um,
I like how people
are mean to you.

And you're usually cooler
than tall guys

because you have to be
because no one respects you.

- You know, like-- (laughs)
- (laughter)

I'm sorry. You know this!

My boyfriend,
he's told me about it.

When he grew up...
When he reached adulthood,

(laughter)

(giggles) He--

He looked around,
and he was like,

"Oh, fuck.
No one here respects me.

"I gotta learn a magic trick
or something

to get people to like me."

So, he adapted.
He's funny.

He's cool.
And short men love magic.

- I think--
- (laughter)

They like it because it's showy,
and people go, "Oh!"

They get attention. It's
another way to get attention.

And I also think that they see
a man saw a woman in half,

and they're like, "Oh, that's
how I'll be taller than a woman.

- Okay, that's what I aspire to."
- (laughter)

He's great though. We've been
together 10 years off and on.

And, yeah, but we're
actually getting to the point
where we're like,

"We're gonna take it
to the next level

and break up forever
because I think it's time."

- (laughter)
- No. He's...

He's, uh... he's, he's--

I know from breaking up
with him a lot,

and we date other people
and come back together,

I look at him and I go,

"He's the best I can do."

- You know,
like I just know that.
- (laughter)

I'm gonna settle someday.

- I mean settle down.
Did I say settle?
- (laughter)

It is settling, isn't it?
When you get married,

you just go,
"Yeah, this is good enough."
Like..,

We all like to
convince ourselves,

"No, this is my soulmate!"
(giggles)

- No, it's not.
- (laughter)

It's not your soulmate, sorry.

That's just a guy that was on
Bumble at the same time as you

that reminded you of your dad
in the perfect little way.

Everyone likes to go,
"He's my soulmate."

You're not that lucky!

Out of eight billion people
on the planet,
he's not your soulmate.

Your soulmate, statistically,
is in China.

- (laughter)
- That's where your soulmate is,
and that's where they'll die.

The closest you'll get is maybe
your soulmate touched your phone

on an assembly line,

but that's the closest where
your stars will ever cross.

Maybe he stitched
your mom's blouse

- when he was in third grade.
- (laughter)

Do they call it grades
if they don't go to school?

- I don't know. But...
- (groaning)

Child labor is-- (laughs)
Sorry, it's not funny.

I mean, you guys laughed,
so I guess it is,

but I thought
it wasn't until now.

No, it's awful. It's, um...
What are you gonna do though?

Like, it's--
Not buy an $8 dress?

- (laughter)
- Like I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

I love fast fashion.
I can't stop.

I like the sizing. I just bought
a dress from Fashion Nova,

which I shouldn't do it,

but, man.
I'm usually a size six dress,

but I check the tag, and now
I'm a "help me" in Korean,

- and I think
that's like really tiny.
- (laughter)

It makes me feel little, so...

I don't know about marriage
though. I don't think...

I don't know
if monogamy is for me.

- (cheering, applause)
- I question it. I do.

And the only reason I think
that is I look at the porn

that I watch, and I'm like,
"This is not a marriage.
You know?

(laughter)

My dad's not gonna
pay for this." Right?

I'm not watching marital sex
when I jerk off.

I'm not cumming to a committed
couple having lazy side sex

because they ate
too much cheese.

- This isn't what gets me off.
- (laughter)

- It isn't!
- (applause)

I...

I like gangbangs,
if I'm being honest.

I like gangbangs.

- (cheering)
- I watch them. They're amazing.

They're rough though.
Boy, are they rough.

The ones I watch, some of them,
I go, "Jesus Christ."

I know it's bad
because they have nine views.

I'm like, "Oh boy,
this isn't good."

(laughter)

Every video I watch has
a bucket in the corner

that has no less
than three uses.

None of them good.
I mean, this is depraved stuff.

I feel bad.
I feel bad after I watch it!

My soul is like, "Ugh,"
you know?

But my soul and my clit
are not on the same page,

so those two need to get
a coffee or something.

Have a little chat.

(sighs) My boyfriend
does know about

my gangbang
proclivity because...

he's here tonight,
so he just found out.

- (cheering)
- Surprise!

It's just a joke! (fake laugh)

(laughter)

It's not a joke. I want it.

It's hard to tell your boyfriend
that you want a gangbang.

It's like, what do you do?
I gave him hints, little nudges.

I sent him an email
with a link that said,

-"DO THIS," in all caps.
I mean, just...
- (laughter)

You know. (giggles)

He goes, "Do this?"
And I go, "Yeah, do this."

He's like, "What does that
even mean? What do you mean?"

And I go, "I don't know.
Didn't you just join
a pickleball league?

"Like make some friends!
See who can keep a secret.

"You're gonna have to venture
out of the pickleball court

"to find the Black guys
we need for this gangbang

"because I will be
honest with you,

affirmative action
is very important to me."

They're firm
I want some action. But...

- (laughter)
- My boyfriend knows all of this,
and he wasn't threatened.

It was actually not surprising

because he doesn't get
threatened by this stuff.

Not like my friend's
boyfriends and husbands.

My one friend, she had to hide
her vibrator from her husband

- because he kept using it,
and I think that's so sad.
- (laughter)

Get your own, but...

No, she had to hide it because
he was insecure about it,

which I get. I get being jealous
and insecure of something

that's so much better than you.
Like I get that. It is!

It is. It vibrates! Right?

But don't worry.
We don't compare you to it.

It's better than you, but--

I've never looked at my
boyfriend's dick and been like,

"But it's not green.
Like, I hate this.

- (laughter)
-"I'm going.

"Doesn't vibrate
at 90 pulses a second.

-"I hate it!
- (laughter)

Where's the charging cable
I'm gonna lose?"

Like, it's different.
It's a dick.

Do you compare us to your hand?

- No. I-I hope not.
- (laughter)

I don't have that kind
of grip down there.

My pussy can't open
a jar of pickles.

I don't have
those kind of Kegels

to get in some Claussen's.

(laughter)

I hope you're never fucking us,
just like,

"Oh, there's no calluses.
This sucks.

(laughter)

I miss my class ring."
Like, what?

It's different!

My boyfriend,
he snapped into action

when he found out about
the gangbang thing, man.

We were fooling around one time,
he blindfolded me,

and he's like, "I've invited
some guys over to gangbang you.

"They're waiting in the hallway.
They're lined up.

They're gonna come in
one by one and fuck you."

I was like, "That's a train.
Okay, like that's different."

(laughter)

A train is one by one.
It's cute. It's adorable.

It's great. A train is folksy.

- You know?
- (laughter)

It's not nothin',
but, you know, it's quaint.

A gangbang is
an Amtrak derailment.

- (laughter)
- I mean, a gangbang is
FEMA gets called in.

A gangbang will ruin
a town forever, you know?

But I was like, "We can do
a train. All aboard.

- Let's go. Choo-choo."
- (laughter)

No, I was--
At first, I was horrified.

I go, "What? You did what!?
There's-- Who's here?"

'Cause it was at my apartment,
and the parking situation there

- is a nightmare.
I have to give them passes.
- (laughter)

I have to bring them up.
I was like,

"The door guy's gonna be
so mad at me."

He was like,
"The door guy's here."

- I was like, "Okay, well...
- (laughter)

"That's one Black guy down.
Alright,

- so someone
was taking notes."
- (laughter)

No, he goes, "It's make-believe.
Don't-- Just calm down."

I go, "Okay, now I can do this.
It's just a role-play thing,

but what's gonna happen here?"

So then, he proceeds
to bring in each guy.

He announces them,
and then the guy comes in,

and then he does a voice
for each guy.

(laughter)

So smart, right?

I'm blindfolded,
so they all sound different.

He's kinda good at voices.
He really is.

It like kinda took me out of it.

I mean, his Cosby was
a little disconcerting,

- but that one, I just...
- (laughter)

I always fall asleep during it.

- I mean, he gets...
- (laughter)

He gets method about it.

I wake up, and there's
pudding on my face.

- I'm like, "Oh, God.
- (laughter)

Classic Cos." (laughs)

No, it's so brilliant.
A different voice for each guy.

A different toy
for each guy, too,

so it really feels like
someone different.

At first, he was using
his own dick for each guy,

and I was like,
that worked when I was, like,

you know, imagining
his brothers, but like--
(laughs)

(laughter)

When he was playing
his brothers, it was fine,

but after a while, I was like,
every guy has your dick? Like...

I don't see color,
but I can feel it.

So, I'm just saying if...

(laughter, applause)

(giggles)

He added a really fun element
to it though because he goes,

"Okay, they're gonna come in
one by one to fuck you,

but you can't fuck them."
And I'm like, what?

He's like, "They're all
gonna try, but you can't."

I'm like, what is this? He goes,
"You need to be a good girl."

- And I'm like,
"Okay. Well, I can't...
- (laughter)

"I'm already finished
if you just wanna call it

"on this whole thing
because that was enough for me.

I will be a good girl.
Okay, I won't fuck them."

So then, they each come in,

and, of course,
they try to fuck me.

And they're like, "Come on,
I'm gonna fuck you."

And I go, "I can't.
I told my boyfriend I wouldn't.

He's nice enough to even
let me do this. I can't."

And they're like,
"No, I'm gonna fuck you."

And I go, "No... 'kay."

And then
I cheat on my boyfriend

with my boyfriend!
It's amazing!

And then that guy leaves, and
then my boyfriend comes back in,

and he's like, "You didn't fuck
that guy, did you?"

And I'm like, "I would never
betray you in that way.

- (laughter)
- Like, I love you so much.
I would never do that."

So, I am lying to my boyfriend

about cheating on my boyfriend
with my boyfriend.

Like I'm lying, I'm cheating,
I'm doing all the things

I've ever wanted to do
in a monogamous relationship.

I'm planning his murder
with one of these guys.

- I'm like, "I think I could
get married if I--
- (laughter)

if he could keep this up.
This is amazing."

But I got a little too greedy,
I wanna say.

Like I was excited
about this whole thing,

and we were watching
TV one night,

and I got a crush
on one of the guys on the show,

some Italian guy.

And my boyfriend's
sitting next to me.

He's like eating Thai food
in his pajamas.

He was not in the mood
for me to be like,

"Hey, maybe you
should invite Mario

- to one of our GB seshes."
- (laughter)

And he was like,
"Are we still casting?

- I didn't know."
- (laughter)

I, uh, I forgot about it
for a while after that.

But then, he remembered.
It was so awesome.

We were doing the thing,
and then at the very end,

it was the last guy,
and he goes, "And finally...

- Mario."
- (cheering)

He sounded like
he was introducing

the musical guest on "SNL."

He was like,
"And finally... Mario."

I was like, "Thank you, babe!"

It was one of those moments
where I was like,

"He remembered!
Like, he went to Jared!"

- Like it was like
my version of that.
- (laughter)

"He went to Jared and Mario
and Keith and Larry." You know.

I was so excited.
He goes, "Here comes Mario."

I was like, "Thank you!"
He was like, "You're welcome."

And then Mario comes in,
he's like,

(Super Mario voice)
"It's-a me, Mario!"

- (normal) And I go,
"No! What? No!
- (laughter)

- Not that one!"
- (applause)

He's like, "That's what you get
for making suggestions."

I was like,
"No... (crying)

- (laughter)
- No."

And Mario laid some pipe.
I gotta say, wasn't that bad.

(laughter)

Luigi was there, too.
I could hear him.

He was in the corner,
jerking off like a cuck.

(laughter)

Heard his overalls
clanking around.

(laughter)

Because of this fantasy,

I don't think I'd need
to have a gangbang now.

Now, I'm like, maybe it's
just enough to watch them.

And I do love watching them,
and I'll never stop.

They're so impressive, dude.

If you don't know, like--
(sighs) Let me just show you.

- Can I get some volunteers? No.
- (laughter)

The woman is
usually like on her back,

like a stranded turtle.
She's just kinda like (groans)
you know.

And there are two or three

or four dicks down
there sometimes.

I don't like three or four.

I like two, one in each hole.

That's perfect.
That's all we need.

I don't like one. I don't like
when a girl's like, "No anal."

I'm like,
what is this, Kid Bops?

Like I'm not watching this shit
with my niece.

- (laughter)
- Fill her up.

It's so nuts, dude.

Really, I watch these,
and I just go,

"Thank you for your service."
I mean, these women,

they work their asses off.
I mean, some of them,

their assholes
literally fall off.

- (laughter)
- It is so impressive.

And that's why I think
I really like them though.

It's just because these women
are so impressive. They're--

They're almost relatable
in what they're doing, you know?

They're doing
so much all at once,

it's like a masterclass
in multitasking.

- (laughter)
- I really relate to them,
you know?

Because there's this girl,
she's juggling it all.

She's making it look easy.

She's like, "I got this,"
you know?

It's, it's,
it's a lot like life.

I look at it and I go,
that's my life, kind of.

Every day,
life is just trying to fuck you

from so many different angles.

- (laughter)
- You know what I mean?

Life is a gangbang, really.

It's like you gotta
find a career,

and then you gotta
raise a family,

and you gotta
practice self-care,

and you have to realize none of
it's making you happy.

- (cheering)
- And you all go to therapy!

That'll help!

Then you learn
it's your mom's fault.

- Then you go to more therapy.
- (applause)

Then you realize
it's your dad's fault!

And then, you're like,
"Oh, I'll try ayahuasca!"

And then you puke
your molestations into a bucket!

(gagging)

And then, you fucking--
You can just keep smiling.

You know, change positions.
Okay, good.

- Everything's fine.
- (laughter)

You gotta get a skincare routine
and you gotta hydrate!

You gotta exfoliate!
Gua sha!

Realize nothing you do

will ever make you
look like a Korean teen!

- (laughter)
- Don't forget
to get your REAL ID!

- (laughter)
- (moaning)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

(orgasmic gasping)

And then, you get bangs!

Then, you post about
your bangs on Instagram,

and you only get one fire emoji,
and it's from your hairstylist!

- Fuck! Now, I have bangs!
- (cheering)

Only Taylor Swift can
pull off this look! (gagging)

Then, you realize you don't
have the core strength

to keep doing this joke!

- (applause)
- You wonder why the fuck
you wrote this bit!

Why is this your career
at the age of 39?

Is this even art anymore?

- (gagging)
- (laughter)

(panting)

It's all so exhausting,
you guys!

- (cheering)
- There's too many dicks,

and you can't jerk them all off,
no matter how hard you try.

(laughter)

It's relentless,
it's exhausting,

and there's no safe word,
you know?

Life is a gangbang,

and most of the time,
you don't even get to cum.

- (cheering)
- (panting)

(applause)

- But...
- (electronic music playing)

there is good news.

'Cause someday,

- you'll die.
- (laughter)

(applause, cheering)

Thank you, Seattle!
Good night!

♪ Someday, you'll die ♪

♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪

♪ Someday, you'll die ♪

♪ I'm not okay ♪

♪ I sound insane ♪

♪ It's not my whole words
in my brain ♪

♪ I can't complain ♪

♪ My life is ♪

♪ Fucking great ♪

(cheering fades out)

♪ When life's a mess,
and you're depressed ♪

♪ Breathe deep
and just be grateful ♪

♪ There's just one sure thing
in this life ♪

♪ That someday, you'll die ♪

♪ Someday, you'll die... ♪

♪ Someday, you'll die! ♪