All language subtitles for A.Bad.Moms.Christmas.2017.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AG].ENG
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:51,616
I'll have a blue Christmas
2
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,354
Without you
3
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:59,156
I'll be so blue
4
00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:02,963
Thinkin' about you
5
00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:10,501
You'll be doin' alright
6
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:14,508
With your Christmas
of white
7
00:01:15,808 --> 00:01:19,177
But I'll have a blue
8
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,983
Blue Christmas
9
00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:27,119
I'm Amy Mitchell.
10
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,486
And this year
11
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,390
I ruined Christmas.
12
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,225
Christmas is by far
13
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,960
the most stressful
time of the year for moms.
14
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:38,163
There are a million
things to do.
15
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:40,231
And you have to do them
all perfectly
16
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,466
or else you will
never forgive yourself.
17
00:01:42,468 --> 00:01:45,669
And more importantly,
neither will your kids.
18
00:01:45,671 --> 00:01:47,038
I literally feel like
19
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,740
the worst mom
in the world right now.
20
00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:58,183
Maybe I should start
at the beginning.
21
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,223
I've always loved Christmas.
22
00:02:06,225 --> 00:02:09,160
It's my favorite
time of the year.
23
00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:12,366
Most of all, I love
the time with my family.
24
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,568
Because all I want
25
00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:19,671
all any mom wants
26
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,106
is for their kids to have
an amazing Christmas.
27
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,675
Can't love me like you
28
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:26,710
L-O-V-E
29
00:02:26,712 --> 00:02:30,549
That said, Christmas is
an insane amount of work.
30
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,416
First, you have to buy gifts
31
00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:34,619
for every human being
you've ever met.
32
00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:38,356
I gave my coffee guy
a scented candle this year.
33
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,459
Why did I do that?
34
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,594
Then, you have to decorate
your house
35
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,796
which, clearly, I suck at.
36
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:48,266
I'm doing the best I can,
Charmaine!
37
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:51,369
Then, you have to go to
all your kids' Christmas shows
38
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:52,637
which are
39
00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:56,475
Yeah.
40
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,543
Then, there's all the
over-the-top Christmas parties.
41
00:02:59,545 --> 00:03:00,811
Oh, my God.
42
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:02,714
Are these lobster Santa hats?
43
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,316
Are these a thing now?
44
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,417
What the fuck?
45
00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:08,386
Then, there's all the cooking
46
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,322
all the cleaning
47
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,889
all the wrapping.
48
00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:14,091
It's insane!
49
00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:16,460
There's just never enough time.
50
00:03:16,462 --> 00:03:17,828
Argh!
51
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,672
Hi, mom.
Hey.
52
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:28,940
Hey!
How was the game?
53
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,407
It was great! The Bulls won.
54
00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:33,078
Yes! Congratulations.
Yes!
55
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,411
Hi, honey.
I love you, baby.
56
00:03:34,413 --> 00:03:36,847
Wow. Your house
looks really great.
57
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,183
Oh, thank you.
58
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,317
I still-I still got
lots left to do, but
59
00:03:40,319 --> 00:03:41,653
Can I do anything to help?
60
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,020
No, no, not unless
you know how
61
00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,788
to magically fix
Christmas lights.
62
00:03:44,790 --> 00:03:46,257
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
63
00:03:46,259 --> 00:03:47,826
Yeah, you just
swap out the fuse.
64
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,627
It's pretty easy.
65
00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:52,496
That's pretty hot. I won't lie.
66
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:54,933
Oh, you're definitely getting
the gold-star treatment tonight.
67
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,501
I like that,
but hold that thought.
68
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,672
Okay.
69
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:02,941
Oh. Your dad is awesome.
70
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,709
I thought you hated him.
71
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:08,213
What? No, honey, what?
Why would you say that?
72
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,715
When you came over
to the house last week
73
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,284
I heard you and daddy
in the bedroom
74
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,655
and you kept
screaming at him.
75
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,822
Oh, yeah.
76
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,490
No, honey, those were
77
00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:20,991
Those were happy screams.
78
00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:22,994
They didn't sound happy.
79
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,529
And then you punched the wall
80
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,864
and yelled the F-word.
81
00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:29,201
Okay, I-I, um
82
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,734
Yeah, I don't,
I don't really recall
83
00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:32,237
doing that, so, yeah.
84
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,572
I don't know if that happened.
You did.
85
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,407
You were like,
Oh, my fucking God!
86
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:37,909
Just like that.
87
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,376
Oh, my fucking God!
88
00:04:39,378 --> 00:04:41,479
Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!
89
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,748
Um, here's the thing.
90
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,516
Your dad and I
were just playing a fun
91
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:46,751
little grown-up game.
92
00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:49,420
You played the game seven times.
93
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:50,722
Six and a half.
But who's counting?
94
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,691
Here's the thing,
let's just not
95
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:53,924
Let's just not talk about this.
96
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:55,193
Cool?
Cool.
97
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,031
High-five. Awesome.
Got it.
98
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,537
Oh, no.
99
00:05:04,503 --> 00:05:05,873
What is it?
100
00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,409
My mother's
coming for Christmas.
101
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,876
Oh, my fucking God!
102
00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,753
Thanks for helping me decorate
the tree, guys.
103
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:24,088
Bernard, let's hang 'em
on the tree. Okay, buddy?
104
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,890
Oh, who put the big
brown ornament
105
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,391
right on the front
of the tree?
106
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,527
It looks like doodie.
Yes, it does, baby.
107
00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:31,395
And that's why mommy's
gonna move it around back.
108
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,797
Oh, no, sweetie
109
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,465
we don't drink
the tree water.
110
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:35,700
We don't drink the tree water
111
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,035
'cause we're people, right?
112
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,136
Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?
113
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,604
You bet there is, buddy.
114
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:43,475
I know.
Are you lying to me, mommy?
115
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,309
Oh, God, make it stop.
116
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,946
What else have you lied about?
117
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,814
Hey, babe.
Hey, dad.
118
00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:51,549
Hi, guys.
Hi.
119
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:52,920
You alright?
Yeah.
120
00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:55,720
Tree looks great.
Thank you.
121
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:57,321
Want me to feed the twins?
Yes, please.
122
00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,391
Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
Thank you.
123
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,424
Let's get some food.
It's okay, buddy.
124
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,458
Aw, it's alright.
125
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,068
Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!
126
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:15,306
Mom? Hi!
Oh my gosh!
127
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,275
I thought you weren't
coming until Friday.
128
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,643
Well, I just hopped
on an earlier flight.
129
00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:23,080
Three days earlier?
Oh.
130
00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:25,282
I-I haven't made up
the guest bedroom or anything.
131
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:27,619
That's okay.
I'll just sleep with you.
132
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,420
Big spoon, little spoon.
133
00:06:29,422 --> 00:06:31,323
I usually sleep
with my husband now.
134
00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:33,361
Hey, you wanna see
the sweatshirt I made?
135
00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:37,662
I love this picture.
136
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:40,498
And look, you were just getting
your little tiny breasts.
137
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,366
Well, one of 'em, anyway.
You just got here.
138
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:43,701
Let's not talk about my breasts.
139
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,302
Then the other one popped out.
Yeah.
140
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,338
Thank goodness!
141
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,506
Oh, Keeks!
142
00:06:49,508 --> 00:06:51,643
If you play your cards right,
you could get
143
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,311
a sweatshirt just like this
for Christmas.
144
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,280
Oh, no.
145
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:58,982
Oh, Kiki Dee,
I cannot wait
146
00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:02,119
to spend every waking minute
147
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:03,987
of the next three weeks
with you.
148
00:07:03,989 --> 00:07:05,290
Hmm
149
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,057
Oh!
150
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:10,194
Hmm
151
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,328
Are you smelling my hair?
152
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,963
Yes.
153
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,573
Oh, my God.
154
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:24,408
If I have to wax
one more pussy today
155
00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:26,143
I'm gonna black out.
156
00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:27,912
Since when did
every woman in America
157
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:31,549
need a completely hairless
vagina on Christmas?
158
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,489
Anyone else here for a wax?
159
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,991
Oh, my God,
that's like 50 more vaginas.
160
00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:42,395
Okay, who's next?
161
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,330
Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.
162
00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:48,665
I can't handle you right now.
163
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,570
Hmm, let's see.
164
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:55,376
Oh. You. Betty White.
165
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,609
I'm intrigued.
166
00:07:58,611 --> 00:07:59,780
Come with me.
167
00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:17,128
Hey, what's up, lady?
168
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,763
Mom?
Ha-ha!
169
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,898
Wait, what the actual fuck?
170
00:08:23,035 --> 00:08:24,802
Oh, my God!
171
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:28,472
Ah! My God! My God!
172
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:29,874
Oh, my God!
173
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,443
Wait, I Well,
you didn't tell me
174
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,212
you were coming for Christmas.
175
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,213
It's Christmas?
176
00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:37,881
Uh, yeah.
Isn't that why you're here?
177
00:08:37,883 --> 00:08:39,751
Totally! Totally why I'm here.
178
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,220
Merry Christmas, lady.
Merry Christmas.
179
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,254
Jesus, look at you!
180
00:08:44,256 --> 00:08:45,790
You bitch,
you don't age at all.
181
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:47,225
Look how fucking hot you look!
182
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,626
Look at those boobs.
183
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,395
Oh, thanks. You're lookin'
a little bit older.
184
00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:53,330
But good, you look good.
185
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,066
What's it been,
like three years?
186
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,467
Three?
187
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,136
Whoa, really?
188
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,404
Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.
189
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:00,737
I don't really know
what year it is.
190
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,641
Why are you wearing
black pajamas?
191
00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:07,978
Oh, uh No, yeah, I, uh
192
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,981
I work at a spa.
193
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,150
You have a fucking job?
194
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,753
Yeah. Yeah.
195
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,521
I'm tryin' to be more
responsible and shit.
196
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:21,528
Oh, you always were so weird.
197
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:25,762
So why are you really here, mom?
198
00:09:25,764 --> 00:09:27,765
What do you mean?
199
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:30,300
Well, you only come
when you need money.
200
00:09:30,302 --> 00:09:32,169
Uh, oh No, no, no.
201
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,038
I don't gamble anymore.
202
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,472
No, I'm just here to see
203
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:36,974
my daughter on Easter.
204
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,611
Christmas.
Christmas.
205
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:41,445
So I think we should celebrate.
206
00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,115
I know, Thunder Down Under
207
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,150
is playing by the airport.
208
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,122
I think we should hit that hard.
209
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,622
Male strippers?
Yeah.
210
00:09:51,624 --> 00:09:53,625
With my mother?
Mm-hm-hm.
211
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,059
On Christmas?
212
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:56,196
Yeah.
213
00:09:57,162 --> 00:09:59,163
How could I say no?
214
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,332
Let's go slap
some wieners, bitch!
215
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,635
Alright! That's my girl.
Whoo!
216
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,203
Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna
217
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,137
shit himself when he sees you.
218
00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:08,640
Still got that kid, huh?
219
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:09,841
Yup, yup.
220
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,476
How old is he now?
221
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,477
Oh, 15 or 17.
222
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:15,682
Oh, cute, cute.
Yeah.
223
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:21,586
So your mom and dad have never
224
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:22,687
been here
on Christmas before?
225
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,822
Um, no, no.
226
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,723
Okay, wait, do you, do you
think that I made enough food?
227
00:10:26,725 --> 00:10:28,226
Uh, seriously?
228
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,593
I can make quiche.
I'm gonna go make quiche.
229
00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:31,563
Babe, everything's
gonna be fine.
230
00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:33,865
No, honey,
it's not gonna be fine.
231
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:37,868
My mom is the most critical
human being on the planet.
232
00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:39,203
When I was six years old
233
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,005
I made her a birthday card.
234
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:42,573
And she returned it with notes.
235
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:43,775
Okay, that's fucked up.
236
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,443
The point is she's perfect
237
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,112
at everything and she is
impossible to please.
238
00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:49,546
But if she's
impossible to please
239
00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:50,615
why're you tryin' so hard
to please her?
240
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,049
Listen, I'll tell you the truth.
241
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,217
Daughters spend
their whole lives trying
242
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,551
to please their mothers,
and mothers
243
00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:55,687
spend their whole lives
244
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,221
shitting all over
their daughters.
245
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,357
It's just how the world works.
Okay? I can't fix that.
246
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,626
I'm not,
I'm not fucking Beyoncé.
247
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,861
Well, y-y-you are to me.
248
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,029
Ugh.
I love you.
249
00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:06,097
I love you.
250
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,632
Mmm.
Okay.
251
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:09,967
You think your mom's
gonna like me?
252
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:11,068
No.
253
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,704
I'm sorry we're late.
254
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,439
Hank drives like a girl.
255
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:16,540
Merry Christmas,
grandma and grandpa!
256
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:17,875
Merry Christmas, grandpa!
257
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:18,910
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
258
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,078
Merry Christmas, dad.
259
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,879
Here, have some X-Boxes.
260
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,548
Are you serious?
Thank you so much.
261
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,982
Mum would never let us
have these.
262
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,818
Thank you.
263
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,252
Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.
264
00:11:29,254 --> 00:11:30,722
It's so nice to meet you.
265
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,993
Please take the bags
upstairs. Gracias.
266
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,094
Okay. Hi, mom.
267
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,630
Amy.
Hi.
268
00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:40,097
You look pale.
Oh.
269
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:41,632
I'm just trying out
a new skin thing.
270
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,067
Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.
271
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,135
You're not dying.
272
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,435
Where's your tree?
273
00:11:45,437 --> 00:11:47,304
I-I haven't had time
to get one yet.
274
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,073
Amy, it's December 19th.
275
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,476
Even the Jews have
Christmas trees by now.
276
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,809
Never mind,
we'll get one tomorrow.
277
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:54,945
Okay.
Huh.
278
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:57,280
Yeah. Do you have any food?
279
00:11:57,282 --> 00:11:58,915
I haven't eaten
in three days.
280
00:11:58,917 --> 00:12:01,519
Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual
I have all your favorites.
281
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,621
It's adorable.
282
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,158
You let your kids cook.
283
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:09,026
Okay.
284
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:12,796
Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
made Christmas decorations.
285
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,665
So I have the whole week
planned out.
286
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,534
On Thursday,
we'll see The Nutcracker.
287
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,770
And then, of course, on Friday,
we'll all go caroling.
288
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,671
Unfortunately,
Mike was our baritone
289
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,140
and you're divorcing him.
290
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,007
So we're gonna have to fill
that hole
291
00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:26,110
if we're gonna win
the Caroling Cup this year.
292
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:27,779
Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?
293
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,447
Darling, when I lived here
294
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:33,317
we won the Caroling Cup
nine times.
295
00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:34,685
It's too bad
you've given up on
296
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,453
our family's
tradition of winning.
297
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,555
Yeah, I guess I've just
been a little busy, so
298
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:42,059
Well, clearly not
at the gym. Whoop.
299
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,129
I want to celebrate my
triumphant return to Chicago.
300
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,698
I wanna throw an enormous
Christmas party at your house.
301
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,668
So I was thinking Christmas Eve,
if that's convenient.
302
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,870
What? No.
That's not convenient.
303
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,905
I mean, we can invite
all of my old friends
304
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:56,641
and we can have a sushi station
305
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,241
and we can hire Kenny G
306
00:12:58,243 --> 00:12:59,711
to play Christmas music.
307
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,679
I hear he's not even
that expensive anymore.
308
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,847
Yeah, okay, that-that sounds
like a lot of work.
309
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:06,516
Yeah. It's too bad,
I've already invited everyone.
310
00:13:06,518 --> 00:13:08,185
Where, to my house?
Yes.
311
00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:10,254
A 184 people are coming.
312
00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:11,521
What?
313
00:13:11,523 --> 00:13:12,823
Why haven't I gotten
a Christmas card
314
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:13,857
from you yet?
315
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,193
I don't know, mom.
316
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,761
I-I-I guess it just fell
through the cracks.
317
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,429
What is happening with you?
318
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,896
Nothing.
Nothing's happening to me.
319
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,265
Amy, this is Christmas.
320
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,233
It's the big show.
321
00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,837
I know.
You can't dick around.
322
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,738
I'm not dicking around.
I feel you're dicking around.
323
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,339
Mom, I'm honestly
not dicking around.
324
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:30,741
Yes, you are dicking around.
325
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,009
I can tell
when you're dicking around.
326
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:33,544
I'm not dicking around.
327
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,879
Dick, dick around.
Okay.
328
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,914
Okay.
329
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:38,116
I'm not dicking around.
330
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,251
Alright, enough
with the bad language.
331
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,285
Okay.
332
00:13:42,287 --> 00:13:44,621
I like your hair.
Really?
333
00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:47,424
Yeah, it looks like
you're not trying so hard.
334
00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:49,195
Yeah. Love you.
335
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,300
Oh
336
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,806
I can't do Christmas
with my mother.
337
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,240
It's like living
with Saddam Hussein.
338
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,641
My mom is only staying
with me
339
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,910
because I think
she wants to steal my TV.
340
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,578
Oh, I have to go
Christmas tree shopping
341
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,945
with my mother tonight.
342
00:14:08,947 --> 00:14:10,147
Yeah, it's like,
it's like going
343
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:12,116
on a seven-hour death march
344
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,284
around the city.
345
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,418
My daughter really wants
346
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,087
a Happy Happy Princess Doll
347
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,222
and I have looked everywhere
348
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,892
for it and I don't know
where it is.
349
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,629
Where is she, guys?
350
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,063
Where is Happy Happy Princess?
351
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,564
Oh, my God.
352
00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:29,833
I know it's just a doll,
but God.
353
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:32,469
Christmas is
killing me this year.
354
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:35,972
Holy fuck.
355
00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:37,741
Out of all the reindeer
356
00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:40,580
You know
you're the mastermind
357
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,347
Run run Rudolph
358
00:14:44,349 --> 00:14:46,820
Randolph's
not too far behind
359
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,954
Run run Rudolph
360
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,490
Santa's got to make it
to town
361
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,858
I can't do this shit sober.
362
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,160
Me neither.
363
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,828
You guys wanna get drunk
at the food court?
364
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,664
Fuck yeah!
Yeah.
365
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,034
Come on.
Ooh, fun!
366
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,641
You guys, you know
what drives me crazy?
367
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,275
Genital warts?
What?
368
00:15:12,277 --> 00:15:14,277
Genital warts.
No.
369
00:15:14,279 --> 00:15:15,512
Carla, no.
370
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,048
No, w-w-what drives me crazy
371
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,549
is the-is the pressure
that we put on ourselves
372
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,717
to make Christmas perfect, guys.
373
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:22,453
Look, Christmas
is supposed to be fun.
374
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,822
Yes, why am I responsible
375
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,723
for getting
every gift for everyone
376
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:28,391
in my entire family?
377
00:15:28,393 --> 00:15:29,727
I mean,
just 'cause I'm a girl?
378
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,395
Yeah.
It's 2017!
379
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:32,463
I thought so.
380
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,496
Why can't my husband
381
00:15:33,498 --> 00:15:34,866
buy presents for his own mom?
382
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,067
I don't even like his mom.
383
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,801
She blames her farts on my kids.
384
00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,002
What?
You know what I do?
385
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,670
With my big dumb son?
What?
386
00:15:40,672 --> 00:15:42,906
Every November,
I just go into his room
387
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,809
grab a bunch of random crap
388
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,577
wrap it up,
give it to him on Christmas.
389
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,212
He doesn't even notice.
Seriously?
390
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:49,746
Oh, my God, I've given him
the same baseball glove
391
00:15:49,748 --> 00:15:51,515
like nine times.
392
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,851
And how lame are the gifts
that your family gives you?
393
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,254
I spend months picking out
the perfect gift
394
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:59,089
for everyone in my family
and all I ever get
395
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:01,058
is coupons
for free back rubs.
396
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:03,059
Oh, that's so wrong.
397
00:16:03,061 --> 00:16:04,694
You know what my son gave me
last year for Christmas?
398
00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:06,997
A box of Ziploc baggies.
399
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,565
Think I'll probably
just wrap it up
400
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:11,568
and give it back to him again
this Christmas.
401
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:14,505
You guys, I'm just like
a-a-a giant stress ball
402
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,607
from November to New Year's.
403
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:20,377
I just wanna enjoy
Christmas again.
404
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:22,280
Yeah.
405
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,184
Well, then let's do it.
406
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,419
What?
407
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,853
Guys, what is wrong with us?
408
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,789
Have we learned nothing?
This is bullshit.
409
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,858
I am disappointed
in this threesome.
410
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,727
We are mothers.
411
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:39,195
And if things are not going
our way, then what do we do?
412
00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:41,031
We hide in the bathroom.
413
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,266
No.
No.
414
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:43,601
No, we don't,
we don't do that.
415
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,636
Uh-unh.
We s No, we stand up.
416
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,204
And we fight back.
Fight back. Yes.
417
00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:51,809
So if we wanna do Christmas
our way this year
418
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,578
then we're gonna do
Christmas our way.
419
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:57,881
No more perfect gifts,
no more perfect decorations
420
00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,382
no more perfect anything.
421
00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,953
Fuck it.
Let's take Christmas back.
422
00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:03,754
Let's put the ass back.
423
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,424
In Christm-ass.
What?
424
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:09,092
That didn't come out exactly as
I planned, but y-you guys get
425
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:10,895
Yeah, we know what you meant.
Yeah, we get you.
426
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,563
Okay, to taking Christmas back.
427
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:13,599
Yes!
428
00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:17,334
Go go go go
429
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:19,804
Go go
Do something crazy
430
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,506
Merry Christmas!
431
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:25,409
I wanna live like
it's Mardi Gras and
432
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:27,011
Don't need no R and R
433
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,779
What?
Yes.
434
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:29,846
Now, it's gonna be better.
435
00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,114
Now, it is gonna be better.
436
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:32,248
Good vibes only
437
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,150
I just tapped a keg
438
00:17:34,152 --> 00:17:36,019
I'mma fill my cup
439
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,089
Got fireworks got booze
440
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,957
Let's blow some shit up
441
00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:41,859
Tonight I'm going stupid
442
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,094
Doing things
I've never done
443
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,197
We all got one thing
in common
444
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,669
We just wanna have fun hey
445
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,306
Okay, who's next?
446
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,475
Do something crazy
447
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,610
Hey
448
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,644
Whoo
449
00:18:01,646 --> 00:18:02,880
Hey
450
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,148
Do something crazy
451
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,050
Do something crazy
452
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,185
Do something wild
Whoo
453
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:10,153
Be someone different
Hey
454
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,288
Switch up that style
Hey
455
00:18:12,290 --> 00:18:16,560
Hey! Do you know which one
is better for the vagina?
456
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,498
Do something crazy
457
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,534
Hey
458
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,003
Whoo
459
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:29,372
Attention, shoppers!
Excuse me!
460
00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:31,508
I am drunk and horny!
461
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,512
I repeat,
I am drunk and horny!
462
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,518
Break it down
463
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:46,524
Do something crazy
Go
464
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:50,160
Go go go go go go go
465
00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:54,098
Go go go go go
go go go go
466
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,333
Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
467
00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:57,868
I still have to go
Christmas tree shopping
468
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,836
with my mom.
469
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:01,671
I just had a really dumb idea.
470
00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,208
Do something crazy
471
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,076
Hey
472
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,112
Whoo
473
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,612
Hey
474
00:19:09,614 --> 00:19:10,781
Do something crazy
475
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,550
Do something
crazy
476
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,752
Do something wild
Whoo
477
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,454
Do something crazy
478
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,592
Do something crazy
479
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:24,929
Alright, guys. Here.
480
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,764
Ooh, we got some popcorn.
I got extra.
481
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,864
Yes.
You guys ready?
482
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,234
Look at that.
Okay.
483
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:32,402
This is really nice, mom.
Yeah.
484
00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:34,071
We should do all Christmas
like this.
485
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,106
Yeah, can we just
hang out together
486
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,409
and skip all the annoying stuff?
487
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:40,410
Yeah, you guys, I
488
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,379
I would actually
really like that.
489
00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:44,985
Hey, Jessie, you should come
over on Christmas.
490
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,151
Um, yeah, yeah.
491
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:49,553
I don't know.
It's kind of a big deal.
492
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:51,287
I wouldn't want to impose.
493
00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:53,289
Don't be weird, dad.
494
00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,492
We'll be here.
495
00:19:56,461 --> 00:19:59,162
Is that okay?
Yeah.
496
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:01,131
Yeah, I would
actually love that.
497
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,335
Me, too.
Okay.
498
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,137
Good evening, everyo
499
00:20:06,139 --> 00:20:09,305
What in God's name is that?
500
00:20:09,307 --> 00:20:11,408
Oh, that is our
new Christmas tree.
501
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,977
I got it at Lady Foot Locker.
502
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,844
Do you like it?
No, I don't, Amy.
503
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,314
I find it revolting.
Oh.
504
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,850
What is this thing
doing in your house?
505
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,084
I don't know, I-I didn't wanna
506
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,452
waste time tree shopping
this year.
507
00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:24,188
I actually wanted
to enjoy Christmas.
508
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:25,956
Amy, you are a mom.
509
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,992
Moms don't enjoy,
they give joy.
510
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,493
That's how being a mom works.
511
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:32,763
And this hideous tree
does not give joy to anybody.
512
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,533
I don't know,
I-I kind of like it.
513
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,699
Thank you.
Yeah.
514
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:38,968
Who are you,
and why are you talking?
515
00:20:38,970 --> 00:20:41,538
Mom, please be nice.
This is Jessie. You met him.
516
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:43,340
I'm tired of this conversation.
517
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:44,775
But if you think for one second
518
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:46,810
I'm gonna let
your lazy shenanigans
519
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,711
ruin Christmas
for this entire family
520
00:20:48,713 --> 00:20:51,015
you are very much mistaken.
521
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,483
Goodnight, dear children.
522
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,618
Here, have some
iTunes gift cards.
523
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,153
Mom, seriously? You have to
stop giving them gifts.
524
00:20:57,155 --> 00:20:58,455
Thanks, grandma.
525
00:20:58,457 --> 00:20:59,957
Honey, did you see
these ornaments?
526
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,624
They are all little shoes.
527
00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:02,892
I swear to God, Hank.
528
00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:04,394
I will drive you
to a fire station
529
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,133
and I will leave you there.
530
00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:12,472
Hi.
Hi.
531
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:16,372
How was your night?
532
00:21:16,374 --> 00:21:17,675
So good.
Yeah?
533
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:18,879
Yeah.
534
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,217
Mmm.
535
00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:27,918
You taste like grape soda.
536
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,887
I know. I had a Welch's
right before bed.
537
00:21:37,529 --> 00:21:39,162
Mmm.
Hmm.
538
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:41,668
Bless you.
Bless you.
539
00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:47,004
Mom!
540
00:21:47,006 --> 00:21:48,538
Hi, guys.
541
00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:50,173
What are you doing in here?
542
00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:52,176
Well, I just came in here
to watch you fall asleep
543
00:21:52,178 --> 00:21:53,710
like I always do
and then you started
544
00:21:53,712 --> 00:21:56,080
going at it
like monkeys in a zoo.
545
00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:57,715
You watch me fall asleep
every night?
546
00:21:57,717 --> 00:21:59,449
Well, except after
Blue Bloods, I know
547
00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:01,884
that's your
special intercourse night.
548
00:22:01,886 --> 00:22:04,521
Oh, honey,
I'm so glad to see
549
00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:06,457
you have such a vibrant
sex life.
550
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:08,726
It's so important
for you and Kent
551
00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:10,296
to just bang each other.
552
00:22:11,697 --> 00:22:13,429
And Kent.
553
00:22:13,431 --> 00:22:15,865
I am so happy
554
00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,401
that you're able to get
an erection again.
555
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,571
Yay!
556
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:22,805
And Kiki.
557
00:22:22,807 --> 00:22:24,541
He's so much bigger
than your dad was.
558
00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:26,075
Okay, mom, thanks, you can go
559
00:22:26,077 --> 00:22:28,077
before my husband never
has sex with me again.
560
00:22:28,079 --> 00:22:29,316
Yup.
561
00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:32,749
Oh, and, honey
562
00:22:32,751 --> 00:22:34,285
your dad liked it
when I tickled his balls.
563
00:22:34,287 --> 00:22:36,120
Okay, you need
to stop talking.
564
00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,920
I'm gonna come check on you guys
in a little while.
565
00:22:37,922 --> 00:22:39,593
Oh, please don't.
566
00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:47,064
Oh, wow.
567
00:22:47,066 --> 00:22:50,900
You need to talk to your mom.
I know.
568
00:22:50,902 --> 00:22:52,969
She needs some boundaries.
569
00:22:52,971 --> 00:22:56,239
Or at least, a boundary.
I know.
570
00:22:56,241 --> 00:22:58,508
I just, uh
571
00:22:58,510 --> 00:23:00,678
I don't wanna hurt
her feelings.
572
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,246
And, you know,
ever since my dad died
573
00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:05,682
I'm, like, pretty much
her only family.
574
00:23:05,684 --> 00:23:08,951
So I'm worried that if I
push her away even a little
575
00:23:08,953 --> 00:23:11,689
that it's gonna break
her heart.
576
00:23:11,691 --> 00:23:13,192
She saw my boner, Kiki.
577
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:15,761
Yeah.
578
00:23:23,102 --> 00:23:25,537
Oh, my God. What the
579
00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:34,178
What the fuck?
580
00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:52,362
Okay, bring the French hens
581
00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,564
three inches to the left.
582
00:23:54,566 --> 00:23:56,699
Yeah. Yeah.
583
00:23:56,701 --> 00:23:58,137
Mom?
584
00:24:00,139 --> 00:24:01,471
What are you doing?
585
00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:03,306
I am decorating
your house properly
586
00:24:03,308 --> 00:24:06,209
because apparently, you are
unwilling to do so yourself.
587
00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:08,478
Why does my house
have to be properly decorated?
588
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,814
Making Christmas special
is how you show
589
00:24:10,816 --> 00:24:12,483
your family
that you love them, Amy.
590
00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:13,917
You don't want
your kids to think
591
00:24:13,919 --> 00:24:15,252
that they're worthless
and unloved.
592
00:24:15,254 --> 00:24:17,019
Do you?
Well, no, of course not.
593
00:24:17,021 --> 00:24:19,523
This is the time of year
when moms kill themselves
594
00:24:19,525 --> 00:24:22,359
to create a magical world
of joy for their children.
595
00:24:22,361 --> 00:24:24,428
It is not a time of year
when moms sit around
596
00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:25,862
in their pajamas
eating fudge.
597
00:24:25,864 --> 00:24:27,531
I don't even like fudge.
Great.
598
00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,198
So stop being a shitty mom.
599
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,700
Oh.
Hey, kids.
600
00:24:30,702 --> 00:24:32,835
How do you like
the Christmas cavalcade, huh?
601
00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:35,339
Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.
Show mom how it works!
602
00:24:35,341 --> 00:24:37,541
Really, Amy,
you are gonna love this. Okay.
603
00:24:37,543 --> 00:24:41,277
We are go for
the cavalcade, over.
604
00:24:41,279 --> 00:24:44,348
Don't worry, I'll show you
how this works. It's on an app.
605
00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:49,887
Oh, you installed
outdoor speakers.
606
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:51,558
Shh-shh, wait for it,
wait for it.
607
00:24:54,460 --> 00:24:57,127
Eleven pipers piping
608
00:24:57,129 --> 00:24:59,929
Ten lords a-leaping
nine ladies dancing
609
00:24:59,931 --> 00:25:02,565
Eight maids a-milking
seven swans a-swimming
610
00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:03,933
Six geese a-laying
611
00:25:03,935 --> 00:25:05,468
Five golden rings
612
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:06,702
Five golden rings
613
00:25:06,704 --> 00:25:08,104
How much did this cost?
614
00:25:08,106 --> 00:25:09,473
How can you put a price tag
615
00:25:09,475 --> 00:25:11,941
on a child's happiness, Amy?
616
00:25:11,943 --> 00:25:14,878
It was very expensive.
God! Mom!
617
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,381
Wait for it,
this is the big ending!
618
00:25:22,387 --> 00:25:25,221
Are those actual partridges?
619
00:25:25,223 --> 00:25:26,789
Of course.
620
00:25:26,791 --> 00:25:28,592
They don't have
any survival skills.
621
00:25:28,594 --> 00:25:31,061
They'll be dead within an hour.
622
00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:32,295
Okay.
Here, kids.
623
00:25:32,297 --> 00:25:34,398
Have some breakfast candy.
624
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,099
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, my God.
625
00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:37,567
Thank you, grandma.
I love you.
626
00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:40,403
I love you.
I love you, too, guys.
627
00:25:40,405 --> 00:25:42,104
Okay, let's reload the birds.
628
00:25:42,106 --> 00:25:43,140
And I hate that they're gray.
629
00:25:43,142 --> 00:25:44,740
Let's paint them all white.
630
00:25:44,742 --> 00:25:46,776
And can't they look
a little happier
631
00:25:46,778 --> 00:25:48,111
when they fly away?
632
00:25:48,113 --> 00:25:49,181
I mean, it is Christmas.
633
00:25:51,249 --> 00:25:53,917
Your mom decorated your house?
634
00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:56,186
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not okay.
635
00:25:56,188 --> 00:25:58,522
Who cares, let her
decorate your house.
636
00:25:58,524 --> 00:25:59,823
She wanna do mine next?
637
00:25:59,825 --> 00:26:01,324
It's-it's not about the house.
638
00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,759
It's-it's about the fact
that I'm a 34-year-old woman
639
00:26:03,761 --> 00:26:06,496
and my mother is still telling
me how to live my life.
640
00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:09,266
Well, then you need
to fight her.
641
00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:11,802
Like physically?
642
00:26:11,804 --> 00:26:13,370
That is correct, Amy.
643
00:26:13,372 --> 00:26:15,005
I can teach you
some basic karate moves.
644
00:26:15,007 --> 00:26:16,773
But we all know that
she's gonna keep treating you
645
00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:19,208
like this until you beat
the shit out of her.
646
00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:21,210
I don't want you to meet my mom.
647
00:26:21,212 --> 00:26:23,980
She's a 62-year-old woman,
so
648
00:26:23,982 --> 00:26:25,381
Fine, but you need to have
649
00:26:25,383 --> 00:26:27,717
at least a serious
conversation with her.
650
00:26:27,719 --> 00:26:29,519
That sounds more legal.
I know. I know.
651
00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:31,621
And where's your dad
in all this?
652
00:26:31,623 --> 00:26:33,489
Oh, my dad, he's so sweet.
653
00:26:33,491 --> 00:26:34,858
But he's completely
under her control.
654
00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:36,192
I mean, there's no way
he's gonna choose
655
00:26:36,194 --> 00:26:37,727
my side over hers, no.
656
00:26:37,729 --> 00:26:40,464
Sweetie, that's hard.
Oh
657
00:26:40,466 --> 00:26:42,966
Moms are so weird.
658
00:26:42,968 --> 00:26:45,002
How's Christmas with your mom?
659
00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:47,204
Oh, you know. It's
660
00:26:47,206 --> 00:26:49,406
It's okay-it's okay,
I guess. Yeah.
661
00:26:49,408 --> 00:26:52,308
I mean, my mom got her hair cut
662
00:26:52,310 --> 00:26:54,977
and colored exactly
like mine, but
663
00:26:54,979 --> 00:26:56,813
I think that's pretty
normal, right?
664
00:26:56,815 --> 00:26:58,582
Your Did your moms
665
00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:02,252
Do your moms have
your hairstyle?
666
00:27:02,254 --> 00:27:04,755
You know, every time
667
00:27:04,757 --> 00:27:07,356
I think I'm the fucked-up one
in this group
668
00:27:07,358 --> 00:27:11,862
Kiki, you open your mouth,
and then I'm like
669
00:27:11,864 --> 00:27:14,598
No, I'm doing great.
670
00:27:16,669 --> 00:27:18,834
Anyway, uh, my mom and
I were gonna
671
00:27:18,836 --> 00:27:20,571
take the kids over
to Sky Zone later.
672
00:27:20,573 --> 00:27:22,171
Do you guys wanna come?
Legally
673
00:27:22,173 --> 00:27:25,508
I can't get within
50 yards of a Sky Zone but
674
00:27:25,510 --> 00:27:27,544
Okay, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm totally in.
675
00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:29,712
Amy?
Oh, I can't-I can't go.
676
00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:31,448
I wish I could,
but my mother's making us
677
00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:33,050
go see The Nutcracker. So
678
00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:35,451
I love The Nutcracker.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
679
00:27:35,453 --> 00:27:37,787
Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy
Nutcracker.
680
00:27:37,789 --> 00:27:41,190
No, the original,
the five-hour long version
681
00:27:41,192 --> 00:27:43,593
that's all in Russian,
where a bunch of people die.
682
00:27:43,595 --> 00:27:45,195
It's-it's awful.
683
00:27:45,197 --> 00:27:47,029
Why don't you just not go?
Oh, God, no.
684
00:27:47,031 --> 00:27:48,931
No, she would never let me
live it down.
685
00:27:48,933 --> 00:27:50,700
It's much easier
to do it this way.
686
00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:54,071
Guys, are we not taking
Christmas back this year?
687
00:27:54,073 --> 00:27:55,738
Yeah.
Hmm.
688
00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:57,573
I'm asking you that seriously
'cause I got so wasted
689
00:27:57,575 --> 00:27:59,476
at the mall, I can't remember
if I actually said that
690
00:27:59,478 --> 00:28:01,445
or if that's just something that
I'm dreaming about right now.
691
00:28:03,382 --> 00:28:05,247
Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.
692
00:28:05,249 --> 00:28:08,217
You guys, do you wanna know
what I've been working on?
693
00:28:08,219 --> 00:28:10,656
Happy Holidays.
Oh, my
694
00:28:14,226 --> 00:28:17,093
Carla!
Broke my cock!
695
00:28:17,095 --> 00:28:19,763
Just go to work.
I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!
696
00:28:29,842 --> 00:28:34,611
What up, lady?
Mom! What are you doing here?
697
00:28:34,613 --> 00:28:36,345
What does it look like
I'm doing?
698
00:28:36,347 --> 00:28:40,117
I'm waiting for my daughter
to give me a free manicure.
699
00:28:40,119 --> 00:28:43,186
Free manicure, huh?
Yeah.
700
00:28:43,188 --> 00:28:46,189
Alright. Well, at least
I'm not waxing your pussy.
701
00:28:46,191 --> 00:28:48,592
Maybe next time.
Okay.
702
00:28:48,594 --> 00:28:52,461
So, what's up?
You seein' anybody?
703
00:28:52,463 --> 00:28:54,363
Well, you know,
there was a couple of things
704
00:28:54,365 --> 00:28:56,132
going with some dads
from school.
705
00:28:56,134 --> 00:28:58,834
But it gets complicated.
706
00:28:58,836 --> 00:29:01,772
Plus, like, there is not
a better time of the year
707
00:29:01,774 --> 00:29:03,340
to be single than Christmas.
708
00:29:03,342 --> 00:29:05,208
I mean, it's like,
I go to the mall
709
00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:08,378
and I see these, you know,
these couples walking around.
710
00:29:08,380 --> 00:29:12,314
And they're, they're, like,
holding hands and
711
00:29:12,316 --> 00:29:14,884
You know,
wearing scarves
712
00:29:14,886 --> 00:29:17,521
and feeding
each other sandwiches
713
00:29:17,523 --> 00:29:22,124
and lookin' at jewelry,
you know
714
00:29:22,126 --> 00:29:24,561
Every kiss
begins with Kay
715
00:29:24,563 --> 00:29:26,630
Alright, stop. Stop.
What?
716
00:29:26,632 --> 00:29:29,800
You sound super lonely.
No!
717
00:29:29,802 --> 00:29:32,069
Babe, listen,
the rock and roll lifestyle
718
00:29:32,071 --> 00:29:33,469
isn't for everybody.
719
00:29:33,471 --> 00:29:35,471
I'm still super rock and roll.
720
00:29:35,473 --> 00:29:37,673
I woke up in a park
this morning.
721
00:29:37,675 --> 00:29:42,044
Carla. I found kale chips
in your kitchen.
722
00:29:42,046 --> 00:29:44,881
Okay, those are for my kid.
Right.
723
00:29:44,883 --> 00:29:46,251
They're healthy as fuck.
724
00:29:47,486 --> 00:29:49,885
Th They say
they're heart-smart.
725
00:29:49,887 --> 00:29:52,221
You really care about
your kid, don't you?
726
00:29:52,223 --> 00:29:54,490
Yeah, he's my
727
00:29:54,492 --> 00:29:56,493
I mean, most people
728
00:29:56,495 --> 00:29:58,094
care about their children, mom.
729
00:29:58,096 --> 00:30:00,229
Whatever, I just can't keep up
730
00:30:00,231 --> 00:30:02,402
with the latest
parenting trends.
731
00:30:06,270 --> 00:30:09,872
So, how you doin'?
732
00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:12,441
I've been better actually,
to tell you the truth. I
733
00:30:12,443 --> 00:30:15,245
There is something
that I'm very excited about
734
00:30:15,247 --> 00:30:16,947
which I just need
a little money for
735
00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:18,715
Here we go.
736
00:30:18,717 --> 00:30:20,917
What?
You always do this.
737
00:30:20,919 --> 00:30:22,718
What?
738
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,353
You show back up in my life.
739
00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:26,256
You ask me for money,
I give it to you.
740
00:30:26,258 --> 00:30:29,191
You gamble it all away
and you leave me and then
741
00:30:29,193 --> 00:30:31,393
you just come runnin' back
asking for more.
742
00:30:31,395 --> 00:30:33,529
I give it to you again
'cause I'm an idiot.
743
00:30:33,531 --> 00:30:35,231
This is a legitimate
744
00:30:35,233 --> 00:30:37,967
business opportunity.
745
00:30:37,969 --> 00:30:39,401
How much do you need?
746
00:30:39,403 --> 00:30:41,571
Not much. Like five grand.
747
00:30:41,573 --> 00:30:44,474
Really. Fiv Between five
and ten grand, maybe 15, tops.
748
00:30:46,545 --> 00:30:48,277
Okay, I'll think about it.
749
00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:49,548
Good!
750
00:30:51,749 --> 00:30:55,418
Wow, you have some
really cool shit here, huh?
751
00:30:55,420 --> 00:30:58,554
Nice, classy place.
752
00:30:58,556 --> 00:31:00,460
I wish I'd brought my purse.
753
00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:12,803
Why do we have to go to
the Russian Nutcracker again?
754
00:31:12,805 --> 00:31:13,969
I mean, we're not even Russian.
755
00:31:13,971 --> 00:31:15,237
The Russian Nutcracker
756
00:31:15,239 --> 00:31:17,474
is the real Nutcracker.
757
00:31:17,476 --> 00:31:20,979
Not the sellout Disney version
with all the dancing and joy.
758
00:31:22,247 --> 00:31:24,648
Is it actually five hours long?
759
00:31:24,650 --> 00:31:27,150
Yes, and you will love
every minute of it.
760
00:31:27,152 --> 00:31:29,319
Now, just listen
to this beautiful music.
761
00:31:33,158 --> 00:31:36,458
This song is called
When Boris Gets Murdered.
762
00:31:36,460 --> 00:31:38,794
It sounds like
someone's yelling at us.
763
00:31:38,796 --> 00:31:40,697
Why can't we just
go do something fun?
764
00:31:47,104 --> 00:31:48,505
Where are you going?
It's not left.
765
00:31:48,507 --> 00:31:50,006
The theater's to the right.
Oh, I know.
766
00:31:50,008 --> 00:31:51,373
We're not goin' to the theater.
767
00:31:51,375 --> 00:31:52,508
Where are you taking us?
768
00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:53,779
You'll see.
769
00:32:14,833 --> 00:32:16,166
Merry Christmas, guys!
Welcome to Sky Zone!
770
00:32:16,168 --> 00:32:17,367
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
771
00:32:17,369 --> 00:32:19,134
Alright, uh, three kid passes?
Yes.
772
00:32:19,136 --> 00:32:21,705
No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're
actually all gonna go.
773
00:32:21,707 --> 00:32:23,907
We're all gonna do it.
No, we're not all doing it.
774
00:32:23,909 --> 00:32:25,875
It smells like diapers in here.
775
00:32:25,877 --> 00:32:28,812
Amy! You guys made it!
Hey!
776
00:32:28,814 --> 00:32:31,247
I'm so glad you guys came!
Oh, my God. Me, too.
777
00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,016
I think my mother's gonna kill
me in the middle of the night.
778
00:32:33,018 --> 00:32:35,986
But it's totally worth it.
Hi, I'm Carla's mom.
779
00:32:35,988 --> 00:32:37,387
Hi. Isis!
Yeah.
780
00:32:37,389 --> 00:32:39,022
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Nice to meet you.
781
00:32:39,024 --> 00:32:43,192
Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
I'm Carla.
782
00:32:43,194 --> 00:32:45,094
Jaxon, honey,
mama needs more hooch.
783
00:32:45,096 --> 00:32:46,862
Ooh, good idea.
Yeah.
784
00:32:46,864 --> 00:32:49,032
Top me off, babe.
That's my son, Jaxon.
785
00:32:49,034 --> 00:32:51,935
This is my mom, Isis.
Hello. Ruth.
786
00:32:51,937 --> 00:32:55,671
Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
Huh. Isis.
787
00:32:55,673 --> 00:32:58,708
Like the terrorist organization.
788
00:32:58,710 --> 00:33:02,544
This is my mom, Sandy.
Oh, hi, Amy.
789
00:33:02,546 --> 00:33:05,282
I've heard so much about you.
790
00:33:05,284 --> 00:33:09,252
Oh, boy! You really have
the same haircuts.
791
00:33:09,254 --> 00:33:12,554
Hello, I'm Ruth.
I'm Amy's mom.
792
00:33:12,556 --> 00:33:15,361
I'm Jessie. I was literally
just in the car with you.
793
00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:20,529
Come on. Who's ready
to have some Christmas fun?
794
00:33:20,531 --> 00:33:22,766
I ain't scared
I ain't scared
795
00:33:22,768 --> 00:33:25,134
I can't stop
so let's go oh oh
796
00:33:25,136 --> 00:33:27,237
I like it
when you do it like that
797
00:33:27,239 --> 00:33:28,971
You like it
when I do it like that
798
00:33:28,973 --> 00:33:31,541
And I know when
we're moving like that
799
00:33:31,543 --> 00:33:34,110
Ain't nobody else
do it like that
800
00:33:34,112 --> 00:33:36,278
Whoo ooh ooh
Watch me now
801
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:37,980
Whoo ooh ooh
Don't stop me now
802
00:33:37,982 --> 00:33:40,216
I'm gon' do it how we do it
803
00:33:40,218 --> 00:33:43,320
Like I do it I'm gon' do it
like a star
804
00:33:43,322 --> 00:33:45,121
Yeah I like it
when you do it like that
805
00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:47,623
Know exactly what you thinking
when I do it like that
806
00:33:47,625 --> 00:33:49,592
Pull it right back
turn the beat so fast
807
00:33:49,594 --> 00:33:51,995
Keep the bass real low
I keep it just like that yeah
808
00:33:51,997 --> 00:33:54,296
Whoo ooh ooh
Watch me now
809
00:33:54,298 --> 00:33:56,131
Whoo ooh ooh
Don't stop me now
810
00:33:56,133 --> 00:33:58,133
I'm gon' do it how we do it
811
00:33:58,135 --> 00:34:00,402
Like I do it
I'm gon' do it
812
00:34:00,404 --> 00:34:02,575
Like that
813
00:34:06,644 --> 00:34:10,080
Hey hey yeah yeah yeah
814
00:34:10,082 --> 00:34:11,914
Yeah I do it do it
you never do it
815
00:34:11,916 --> 00:34:14,516
I pick it up and throw it
right back when I get into it
816
00:34:14,518 --> 00:34:16,686
'Cause there's no holding back
when I break through it
817
00:34:16,688 --> 00:34:18,921
Better hurry up and get it
when I do you won't forget it
818
00:34:18,923 --> 00:34:20,756
I like it
when you do it like that
819
00:34:20,758 --> 00:34:22,926
You like it
when I do it like that
820
00:34:22,928 --> 00:34:25,428
Ain't nobody else
do it like that
821
00:34:25,430 --> 00:34:27,796
I like it
when you do it like that
822
00:34:27,798 --> 00:34:29,698
You like it
when I do it like that
823
00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:31,868
And I know
when we do it like that
824
00:34:31,870 --> 00:34:33,302
Ain't nobody else
do it like that
825
00:34:33,304 --> 00:34:35,838
Hi, Ruth.
We bought you a churro.
826
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:37,773
You want that?
No, thank you.
827
00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:39,209
This place is fun.
828
00:34:39,211 --> 00:34:41,177
I never went to a place like
this when I was a kid.
829
00:34:41,179 --> 00:34:42,644
My God, no.
830
00:34:42,646 --> 00:34:44,146
When I was a kid,
we would go down
831
00:34:44,148 --> 00:34:46,316
to the quarry
and blow shit up.
832
00:34:46,318 --> 00:34:48,784
That's nice.
Where are you ladies from?
833
00:34:48,786 --> 00:34:51,021
I am from Ottawa,
which is in Canada.
834
00:34:51,023 --> 00:34:53,222
And then my husband Dirk
wanted a faster life
835
00:34:53,224 --> 00:34:55,791
so we moved to Bismarck,
North Dakota.
836
00:34:55,793 --> 00:34:59,294
And then I had Kiki
when I was only 18 years old.
837
00:34:59,296 --> 00:35:02,664
And then Dirk died.
A long, slow, painful death.
838
00:35:02,666 --> 00:35:06,168
But we're all gonna die
sometime, alone and afraid.
839
00:35:06,170 --> 00:35:08,037
Where are you from, Ruth?
Chicago.
840
00:35:08,039 --> 00:35:09,872
The City of Lights!
841
00:35:09,874 --> 00:35:11,173
The Windy City.
842
00:35:11,175 --> 00:35:12,242
You know what they call
Bismarck?
843
00:35:12,244 --> 00:35:13,809
The City of Old White People.
844
00:35:13,811 --> 00:35:15,677
You are so weird.
845
00:35:15,679 --> 00:35:18,048
Ruth, did you enjoy
growing up in Chicago?
846
00:35:18,050 --> 00:35:20,483
No. My mother
was a terrible woman.
847
00:35:20,485 --> 00:35:22,385
Oh.
She once slapped me.
848
00:35:22,387 --> 00:35:24,921
For wearing open-toed shoes
on a sailboat.
849
00:35:24,923 --> 00:35:26,523
Well, it was
a different time then.
850
00:35:26,525 --> 00:35:27,525
This was two months ago.
851
00:35:29,193 --> 00:35:31,360
My daughter thinks
that I'm so hard on her.
852
00:35:31,362 --> 00:35:32,996
But she has no idea
what I went through
853
00:35:32,998 --> 00:35:34,497
with my own mother.
854
00:35:34,499 --> 00:35:36,865
When I was 15,
I got my ears pierced
855
00:35:36,867 --> 00:35:38,901
and she called me a whore.
856
00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:41,070
And sent me away
to boarding school.
857
00:35:41,072 --> 00:35:42,938
In Croatia.
Croatia?
858
00:35:42,940 --> 00:35:44,606
Now, that is a hard woman.
Uh.
859
00:35:44,608 --> 00:35:46,543
Where are you from, Isis?
I don't know, everywhere.
860
00:35:46,545 --> 00:35:48,010
I never met my parents.
861
00:35:48,012 --> 00:35:49,845
I basically just raised myself
862
00:35:49,847 --> 00:35:51,447
using my wits and my tits.
863
00:35:51,449 --> 00:35:53,916
Oh, wow.
That sounds disgusting.
864
00:35:53,918 --> 00:35:56,718
No, dude, I was a roadie
for REO Speedwagon
865
00:35:56,720 --> 00:35:59,055
for 15 years.
866
00:35:59,057 --> 00:36:02,525
Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed
to smoke cigarettes in here.
867
00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:03,860
It's okay.
It's not a cigarette.
868
00:36:03,862 --> 00:36:05,294
You want some?
No! Ahem!
869
00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:07,896
You want some?
Uh, no, thank you.
870
00:36:07,898 --> 00:36:09,766
Suit yourself.
So
871
00:36:09,768 --> 00:36:12,235
Which church does everyone
go to on Christmas Eve?
872
00:36:12,237 --> 00:36:14,269
Well, I always go
to midnight mass
873
00:36:14,271 --> 00:36:16,072
at Our Mother
of Perpetual Suffering.
874
00:36:16,074 --> 00:36:18,240
It's the premiere service
in the city.
875
00:36:18,242 --> 00:36:20,110
Great, I'll meet you there.
What?
876
00:36:20,112 --> 00:36:22,979
This is so nice.
Making new friends.
877
00:36:22,981 --> 00:36:25,048
Yeah.
You guys wanna play dodgeball?
878
00:36:25,050 --> 00:36:26,816
No, honey.
Grandmas don't play dodgeball.
879
00:36:26,818 --> 00:36:28,550
We should
What the fuck did she say?
880
00:36:28,552 --> 00:36:30,820
She said, Grandmas
don't play dodgeball.
881
00:36:30,822 --> 00:36:33,055
I got it, but we play.
We play.
882
00:36:33,057 --> 00:36:35,124
I'm in.
883
00:36:51,775 --> 00:36:54,644
When I get high
I get high on speed
884
00:36:54,646 --> 00:36:56,813
Top fuel funny car's
a drug for me
885
00:36:56,815 --> 00:36:58,914
My heart my heart
886
00:36:58,916 --> 00:37:01,286
Kickstart my heart
887
00:37:07,958 --> 00:37:10,593
Whoa yeah
888
00:37:10,595 --> 00:37:13,296
Kickstart my heart
give it a start
889
00:37:13,298 --> 00:37:15,831
Whoa yeah
890
00:37:15,833 --> 00:37:18,601
Baby
891
00:37:18,603 --> 00:37:21,336
Whoa yeah
892
00:37:21,338 --> 00:37:24,039
Kickstart my heart
hope it never stops
893
00:37:24,041 --> 00:37:26,675
Oh yeah
894
00:37:26,677 --> 00:37:29,815
Baby
895
00:38:26,737 --> 00:38:29,072
Tonight was a complete travesty.
896
00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:34,376
Do you think
that was funny, Hank?
897
00:38:34,378 --> 00:38:36,044
What if I changed out
your heart pills?
898
00:38:36,046 --> 00:38:38,715
Would that be funny, too?
Oh, Jesus, babe.
899
00:38:38,717 --> 00:38:41,450
I can't believe
A-Amy is actually intent
900
00:38:41,452 --> 00:38:42,918
on ruining Christmas this year.
901
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,454
I'm gonna have
to redouble my efforts.
902
00:38:44,456 --> 00:38:45,887
Or you could stop
fighting with her
903
00:38:45,889 --> 00:38:47,624
and we could just have
a nice Christmas.
904
00:38:47,626 --> 00:38:50,193
Do you think I enjoy fighting
with my daughter, Hank?
905
00:38:50,195 --> 00:38:53,595
Yeah! Oh.
Because I don't.
906
00:38:53,597 --> 00:38:55,530
I'm just trying to give
my grandchildren
907
00:38:55,532 --> 00:38:58,867
the amazing Christmas
that they deserve.
908
00:38:58,869 --> 00:39:01,204
This is their first Christmas
without their father.
909
00:39:01,206 --> 00:39:02,704
And if it is perfect
910
00:39:02,706 --> 00:39:05,608
they will know
that things are gonna be okay.
911
00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:08,577
But if our daughter throws
a half-assed Christmas
912
00:39:08,579 --> 00:39:10,880
it will rattle the kids,
and they could descend
913
00:39:10,882 --> 00:39:14,083
into a spiral of fear,
depression and drugs.
914
00:39:14,085 --> 00:39:18,488
Okay. But the kids looked
really happy tonight.
915
00:39:18,490 --> 00:39:19,789
They would have been happier
916
00:39:19,791 --> 00:39:21,557
at the Russian Nutcracker,
Hank.
917
00:39:21,559 --> 00:39:25,327
My way of doing Christmas
is enchanting and magical.
918
00:39:25,329 --> 00:39:29,064
And Amy's way of doing Christmas
is lazy and embarrassing.
919
00:39:29,066 --> 00:39:30,900
And my way is better,
and my way will win.
920
00:39:30,902 --> 00:39:32,568
Because my way will always win.
921
00:39:32,570 --> 00:39:34,936
Well, I'm just glad
this is all about the kids.
922
00:39:34,938 --> 00:39:37,106
Hank, I am Amy's mother
923
00:39:37,108 --> 00:39:38,807
and it is my job
924
00:39:38,809 --> 00:39:42,345
to push her to be the best
mother she possibly can be.
925
00:39:42,347 --> 00:39:44,247
Trust me, someday
she will thank me
926
00:39:44,249 --> 00:39:47,249
in an inspirational speech
at some large public venue.
927
00:39:48,786 --> 00:39:50,653
Now, are you done
ironing my pajamas, Hank?
928
00:39:50,655 --> 00:39:52,854
Yes, Ruth.
929
00:39:52,856 --> 00:39:54,860
They're still warm.
930
00:39:56,027 --> 00:39:57,996
I'm sorry you're upset.
931
00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:01,798
Thank you.
932
00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:03,702
It's okay.
933
00:40:08,472 --> 00:40:10,342
You're wrinkling my pajamas.
934
00:40:11,876 --> 00:40:13,309
I'll get your toothbrush ready.
935
00:40:13,311 --> 00:40:14,479
Thank you.
936
00:40:20,050 --> 00:40:22,617
Oh, my God. No more pussies.
Please, God. No more pussies.
937
00:40:22,619 --> 00:40:25,220
Uh, yeah?
938
00:40:25,222 --> 00:40:26,988
Oh, hi. Uh
939
00:40:26,990 --> 00:40:29,057
Are you Carla?
940
00:40:31,496 --> 00:40:33,496
Yeah, I am.
941
00:40:33,498 --> 00:40:36,231
Who are you?
I'm Ty Swindel.
942
00:40:36,233 --> 00:40:37,733
I'm here to get my balls waxed.
943
00:40:37,735 --> 00:40:39,235
That's great news.
944
00:40:39,237 --> 00:40:42,238
Why don't you hop
on my table, Ty Swindel?
945
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,240
Alright, thank you.
946
00:40:44,575 --> 00:40:46,142
Okay.
947
00:40:46,144 --> 00:40:49,311
So, uh, have you ever had
your balls waxed before, Ty?
948
00:40:49,313 --> 00:40:51,414
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer.
949
00:40:51,416 --> 00:40:54,483
So I have to keep my dick, balls
and taint smooth at all times.
950
00:40:54,485 --> 00:40:55,851
Great. Okay, got it.
Yeah.
951
00:40:55,853 --> 00:40:58,653
Um, so I am just gonna
remove the towel
952
00:40:58,655 --> 00:41:01,057
and then we'll apply
the wax if you
953
00:41:01,059 --> 00:41:03,425
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
954
00:41:03,427 --> 00:41:05,093
Look at the size of that thing.
955
00:41:05,095 --> 00:41:06,996
This It looks like
a parking cone.
956
00:41:06,998 --> 00:41:09,097
I am so sorry.
I forgot to te
957
00:41:09,099 --> 00:41:10,599
You know,
it scares most people.
958
00:41:10,601 --> 00:41:12,034
No, I'm not scared, though.
I just
959
00:41:12,036 --> 00:41:13,436
I'm gonna need a lot more
960
00:41:13,438 --> 00:41:16,037
Just a lot more wax.
Okay.
961
00:41:16,039 --> 00:41:17,942
So just give me one second.
Sure.
962
00:41:19,844 --> 00:41:21,347
Wow. Okay.
963
00:41:23,046 --> 00:41:25,447
So, who usually
waxes your balls?
964
00:41:25,449 --> 00:41:27,517
Oh, I go to a woman
in, uh, Cleveland.
965
00:41:27,519 --> 00:41:29,718
Which is where I'm from.
No way.
966
00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:31,521
What?
I'm from Edgewater.
967
00:41:31,523 --> 00:41:33,188
You're from Edgewater?
Yeah.
968
00:41:33,190 --> 00:41:35,191
I'm from Tremont!
Oh, my God. Small world.
969
00:41:35,193 --> 00:41:37,126
Unbelievable.
That is so weird!
970
00:41:37,128 --> 00:41:39,262
Like Right?
971
00:41:39,264 --> 00:41:41,731
Wow. Okay, um
972
00:41:41,733 --> 00:41:44,133
If you could just, uh,
lift that penis up for me.
973
00:41:44,135 --> 00:41:45,534
Okay.
974
00:41:45,536 --> 00:41:46,936
Yeah, that's great.
975
00:41:46,938 --> 00:41:49,104
So, uh, what brings you
to Chicago, Ty?
976
00:41:49,106 --> 00:41:51,974
Well, I'm in town to do
a few Sexy Santa competitions.
977
00:41:51,976 --> 00:41:53,409
Nice!
Yeah.
978
00:41:53,411 --> 00:41:55,581
Okay, slight sting
on your nutsack.
979
00:42:03,954 --> 00:42:06,722
So, um, how did you
get into dancing?
980
00:42:06,724 --> 00:42:09,791
Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
That's what I do.
981
00:42:09,793 --> 00:42:10,927
Of course you are.
982
00:42:10,929 --> 00:42:12,160
And a few years ago
983
00:42:12,162 --> 00:42:14,396
I responded to this fire
at a strip club.
984
00:42:14,398 --> 00:42:16,599
And the owner comes up to me,
and he's like
985
00:42:16,601 --> 00:42:19,468
Hey, dude.
You got a massive cock?
986
00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:23,271
And I'm like,
Uh Well, I do.
987
00:42:23,273 --> 00:42:25,073
And the rest is,
the rest is history.
988
00:42:25,075 --> 00:42:26,476
Wow.
989
00:42:26,478 --> 00:42:28,677
That's a beautiful story, Ty.
990
00:42:28,679 --> 00:42:31,113
Thank you.
991
00:42:31,115 --> 00:42:32,450
Okay. Hot burn.
992
00:42:34,519 --> 00:42:37,919
So, um, holidays, huh?
I know.
993
00:42:37,921 --> 00:42:39,856
You got big plans
with your girlfriend?
994
00:42:39,858 --> 00:42:42,291
I wish. I wish
I had a girlfriend.
995
00:42:42,293 --> 00:42:44,994
Yeah, most women,
they just see me as this object
996
00:42:44,996 --> 00:42:47,863
to have sex with
and then they leave. You know?
997
00:42:47,865 --> 00:42:49,164
And I'm like,
Yeah, I dance around
998
00:42:49,166 --> 00:42:51,367
in basketball sneakers
and a G-string.
999
00:42:51,369 --> 00:42:53,702
It doesn't mean
I don't have feelings. Right?
1000
00:42:53,704 --> 00:42:55,304
Yeah.
1001
00:42:55,306 --> 00:42:56,872
I, uh
1002
00:42:56,874 --> 00:42:58,374
I can relate.
1003
00:42:58,376 --> 00:42:59,775
I don't know what it is
about you, I just
1004
00:42:59,777 --> 00:43:01,142
I feel like you're easy
to talk to, you know?
1005
00:43:01,144 --> 00:43:05,113
I can just open up.
Be myself. It's nice.
1006
00:43:05,115 --> 00:43:06,652
I feel the same way, Ty.
1007
00:43:09,853 --> 00:43:11,988
Okay, um,
I'm gonna need you
1008
00:43:11,990 --> 00:43:14,356
to, uh, put your heels
over your head
1009
00:43:14,358 --> 00:43:17,626
so I can start to go to town
on your taint and your butthole.
1010
00:43:17,628 --> 00:43:19,227
Yep.
Great. Thanks.
1011
00:43:19,229 --> 00:43:20,463
Alright.
Okay.
1012
00:43:20,465 --> 00:43:21,863
Let's get these
out of the way.
1013
00:43:21,865 --> 00:43:23,633
Right. There we go.
Great, great, great.
1014
00:43:23,635 --> 00:43:25,700
Carla, uh
1015
00:43:25,702 --> 00:43:28,403
At the risk of sounding forward
1016
00:43:28,405 --> 00:43:31,240
um, would you be willing
to come with me
1017
00:43:31,242 --> 00:43:33,876
to my Sexy Santa
Competition tonight?
1018
00:43:33,878 --> 00:43:36,345
Uh, well, I-I don't date
my clients, Ty.
1019
00:43:36,347 --> 00:43:38,813
I have a really strict code.
1020
00:43:38,815 --> 00:43:41,150
Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
Are you kidding me?
1021
00:43:41,152 --> 00:43:43,084
I know. And I know. And-and you
should. You should have a
1022
00:43:43,086 --> 00:43:46,255
I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
I don't have a code!
1023
00:43:46,257 --> 00:43:48,758
I'm waxing your butthole.
1024
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:50,492
I would love to go to your show.
1025
00:43:50,494 --> 00:43:52,160
You would?
Yes!
1026
00:43:52,162 --> 00:43:53,429
Yes! Oh, my God.
1027
00:43:53,431 --> 00:43:55,197
She's funny and she's beautiful.
1028
00:43:55,199 --> 00:43:57,532
This is a combination you don't
run into every day, you know.
1029
00:43:57,534 --> 00:44:00,669
Well, you don't see this combo
that often, either.
1030
00:44:00,671 --> 00:44:03,905
So it's a date, then.
I'll see you tonight.
1031
00:44:03,907 --> 00:44:05,740
It's a date.
1032
00:44:05,742 --> 00:44:08,209
Oh, um, do you want me
to reach down there
1033
00:44:08,211 --> 00:44:11,012
and-and I can pull my butt crack
open for you if you want.
1034
00:44:11,014 --> 00:44:13,215
Thank you.
1035
00:44:13,217 --> 00:44:15,851
No one's ever asked
if they could hold
1036
00:44:15,853 --> 00:44:19,121
their butt crack
open for me before.
1037
00:44:19,123 --> 00:44:21,793
I'll hold my butt crack open
for you anytime you want, Carla.
1038
00:44:24,195 --> 00:44:26,565
Where did you come from,
Ty Swindel?
1039
00:44:35,940 --> 00:44:38,206
So what brings you
here today, Kiki?
1040
00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:41,744
Well, um, my mom and I,
we're very close.
1041
00:44:41,746 --> 00:44:43,945
And we would like to be
1042
00:44:43,947 --> 00:44:44,981
To be closer.
1043
00:44:44,983 --> 00:44:46,983
No. No.
1044
00:44:46,985 --> 00:44:49,985
I think, uh, we would,
we would like to be
1045
00:44:49,987 --> 00:44:51,753
a little more independent.
1046
00:44:51,755 --> 00:44:53,122
Closer.
1047
00:44:53,124 --> 00:44:55,391
Uh, Sandy, tell me
1048
00:44:55,393 --> 00:44:57,226
about your relationship
with your daughter.
1049
00:44:57,228 --> 00:45:00,563
Oh, my gosh.
That's my favorite topic.
1050
00:45:00,565 --> 00:45:04,733
Well, I had Kiki
when I was 18 years old.
1051
00:45:04,735 --> 00:45:07,135
And when the nurse
placed her on my breast
1052
00:45:07,137 --> 00:45:08,570
I looked down at her
and I said
1053
00:45:08,572 --> 00:45:12,173
You are gonna be
my best friend forever.
1054
00:45:12,175 --> 00:45:14,843
Is that normal?
The best friend forever thing?
1055
00:45:14,845 --> 00:45:16,612
Uh, well, you know,
we don't like to use the word
1056
00:45:16,614 --> 00:45:18,516
Normal around here.
1057
00:45:20,652 --> 00:45:24,186
Anyways, Kiki and I have
always been super close
1058
00:45:24,188 --> 00:45:26,421
because we're basically
the same age.
1059
00:45:26,423 --> 00:45:28,289
And then my husband died
1060
00:45:28,291 --> 00:45:31,827
and we became crazy close.
1061
00:45:31,829 --> 00:45:33,329
We went to prom together.
1062
00:45:33,331 --> 00:45:35,530
Wow!
1063
00:45:35,532 --> 00:45:36,766
Okay.
1064
00:45:36,768 --> 00:45:39,601
And, uh, Kiki, uh
1065
00:45:39,603 --> 00:45:41,804
How does all this closeness
make you feel?
1066
00:45:41,806 --> 00:45:43,305
Well
Well, she feels great.
1067
00:45:43,307 --> 00:45:45,840
Who wouldn't want to be
best friends with their mom?
1068
00:45:45,842 --> 00:45:47,677
I love my mom.
Thank you, honey.
1069
00:45:47,679 --> 00:45:49,311
I really do.
Thank you.
1070
00:45:49,313 --> 00:45:51,713
But sometimes,
she can be a bit much.
1071
00:45:51,715 --> 00:45:53,215
What?
1072
00:45:53,217 --> 00:45:56,351
Like when?
Like, uh
1073
00:45:56,353 --> 00:45:58,653
When you watched Kent and I
have sex the other night.
1074
00:45:58,655 --> 00:46:00,289
Oh, Lord.
1075
00:46:00,291 --> 00:46:01,856
I just wanna know
what's going on in your life.
1076
00:46:01,858 --> 00:46:03,659
Is that so wrong?
No.
1077
00:46:03,661 --> 00:46:05,327
But sometimes, I just
1078
00:46:05,329 --> 00:46:07,231
I'm in need of a little space.
1079
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,666
Oh, boy. I don't know
what's happening right now.
1080
00:46:11,668 --> 00:46:15,805
W-why are you turning on me?
I'm not turning on you.
1081
00:46:15,807 --> 00:46:18,240
I'm just saying,
I think that we could benefit
1082
00:46:18,242 --> 00:46:20,142
from some boundaries, right?
1083
00:46:20,144 --> 00:46:21,179
I have cancer.
1084
00:46:23,146 --> 00:46:25,213
Cancer?
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
1085
00:46:25,215 --> 00:46:26,918
Oh, God. What kind of cancer?
1086
00:46:29,853 --> 00:46:32,923
Heart cancer.
1087
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,059
Heart cancer?
Yeah.
1088
00:46:38,061 --> 00:46:40,329
Stage 12.
1089
00:46:40,331 --> 00:46:42,731
Maybe you can find it
in your non-cancerous heart
1090
00:46:42,733 --> 00:46:44,869
to be nice to me before I die.
1091
00:46:46,403 --> 00:46:50,238
I'm so sorry, mom.
I had I had no idea.
1092
00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:53,508
I know. I know.
1093
00:46:53,510 --> 00:46:54,880
Oh, God.
1094
00:46:57,949 --> 00:46:59,447
Mom.
1095
00:46:59,449 --> 00:47:01,217
Oh, Keeks.
1096
00:47:01,219 --> 00:47:04,285
Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.
1097
00:47:04,287 --> 00:47:06,722
Okay, I don't have cancer.
What?
1098
00:47:06,724 --> 00:47:07,756
I knew it.
1099
00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,758
But imagine if I did have cancer
1100
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,360
how would you feel
being so mean to your mother?
1101
00:47:12,362 --> 00:47:14,262
I'm not trying
to be mean to you, mom.
1102
00:47:14,264 --> 00:47:15,898
I'm trying to have
an honest conversation
1103
00:47:15,900 --> 00:47:17,066
about our relationship.
1104
00:47:17,068 --> 00:47:18,467
I have cancer again.
No.
1105
00:47:18,469 --> 00:47:19,934
It doesn't work like that
a second time.
1106
00:47:19,936 --> 00:47:22,271
I have polio.
I think they cured polio.
1107
00:47:22,273 --> 00:47:24,439
I have bubonic plague.
No.
1108
00:47:24,441 --> 00:47:25,775
I have shingles.
Mom!
1109
00:47:25,777 --> 00:47:27,142
I have bird flu.
1110
00:47:27,144 --> 00:47:29,278
Are you done?
I have a lazy eye.
1111
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:30,713
Mom!
1112
00:47:30,715 --> 00:47:33,282
Please, can we just talk
about our relationship?
1113
00:47:33,284 --> 00:47:35,251
Because I wanna work
this out with you.
1114
00:47:35,253 --> 00:47:36,952
Yes.
1115
00:47:36,954 --> 00:47:39,655
Let's do that. Yes.
1116
00:47:39,657 --> 00:47:41,222
Really?
Yes.
1117
00:47:41,224 --> 00:47:42,258
I wanna work this out with you.
1118
00:47:42,260 --> 00:47:43,392
Honestly?
1119
00:47:43,394 --> 00:47:44,626
I'm gonna run
to the ladies' room
1120
00:47:44,628 --> 00:47:46,394
and I will be right back.
1121
00:47:46,396 --> 00:47:47,465
Okay.
1122
00:48:01,646 --> 00:48:03,612
She's not coming back, is she?
1123
00:48:03,614 --> 00:48:05,481
No.
1124
00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:07,448
What is the matter with her?
1125
00:48:07,450 --> 00:48:10,586
You really wanna know?
Yeah.
1126
00:48:10,588 --> 00:48:13,755
Your mom was probably pretty
normal before she had you.
1127
00:48:13,757 --> 00:48:15,191
But then you were born.
1128
00:48:15,193 --> 00:48:16,825
And you didn't sleep
for six months
1129
00:48:16,827 --> 00:48:18,693
so she didn't sleep
for six months.
1130
00:48:18,695 --> 00:48:21,597
And you refused to eat,
and when you did eat
1131
00:48:21,599 --> 00:48:23,298
you would barf
all over her clothes.
1132
00:48:23,300 --> 00:48:25,434
And that made your mom
a little crazy.
1133
00:48:25,436 --> 00:48:27,936
And then you fell off your bike
and you broke your arm.
1134
00:48:27,938 --> 00:48:29,537
And then you got bullied
in school.
1135
00:48:29,539 --> 00:48:31,372
And then you started dating
that weird dude
1136
00:48:31,374 --> 00:48:33,142
with the stick through his nose.
1137
00:48:33,144 --> 00:48:34,943
And all those things
made your mom
1138
00:48:34,945 --> 00:48:36,612
a little more crazy.
1139
00:48:36,614 --> 00:48:38,046
And then you got married.
1140
00:48:38,048 --> 00:48:39,849
And you bought a house
you can't afford.
1141
00:48:39,851 --> 00:48:41,650
And you're raising kids
who never say
1142
00:48:41,652 --> 00:48:43,184
Please or Thank you.
1143
00:48:43,186 --> 00:48:45,019
Shit, they can't even read.
1144
00:48:45,021 --> 00:48:46,988
And all those things
made your mom
1145
00:48:46,990 --> 00:48:48,523
super-duper crazy.
1146
00:48:48,525 --> 00:48:50,825
And now you come
into my office, and you go
1147
00:48:50,827 --> 00:48:53,963
Dr. Karl,
why is my mom so crazy?
1148
00:48:53,965 --> 00:48:56,731
And the answer is
1149
00:48:56,733 --> 00:48:57,999
you, motherfucker.
1150
00:48:58,001 --> 00:48:59,834
You made your mom crazy.
1151
00:48:59,836 --> 00:49:02,037
So be nice to your mom,
'cause you're the one
1152
00:49:02,039 --> 00:49:03,972
who fucked her shit up.
1153
00:49:03,974 --> 00:49:08,142
You make it feel
like Christmas
1154
00:49:08,144 --> 00:49:12,247
We are gonna dominate
caroling this year.
1155
00:49:12,249 --> 00:49:13,816
What are you wearing?
1156
00:49:13,818 --> 00:49:15,550
Sweetie, if you wanna win
the Caroling Cup
1157
00:49:15,552 --> 00:49:17,253
you have to have a theme.
1158
00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:18,921
Which is why we are all going
1159
00:49:18,923 --> 00:49:21,523
as characters
from A Christmas Carol.
1160
00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:24,425
Oh, my God!
Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.
1161
00:49:24,427 --> 00:49:27,329
Jane, you are the Ghost
of Christmas Present.
1162
00:49:27,331 --> 00:49:28,563
Oh, great.
1163
00:49:28,565 --> 00:49:30,599
And Amy, you're Scrooge.
1164
00:49:30,601 --> 00:49:32,700
Oh. Wow, thanks, mom.
1165
00:49:32,702 --> 00:49:34,535
I just think it's appropriate,
given how much
1166
00:49:34,537 --> 00:49:36,604
you seem to hate
Christmas this year.
1167
00:49:36,606 --> 00:49:38,573
Mother, I don't hate Christmas.
1168
00:49:38,575 --> 00:49:40,441
And here is
everyone's sheet music.
1169
00:49:40,443 --> 00:49:42,443
I'd hoped we'd all be
off-book by now.
1170
00:49:42,445 --> 00:49:44,280
This is a lot of songs.
Well
1171
00:49:44,282 --> 00:49:46,615
Every home in Westbury gets to
vote on who wins the Cup.
1172
00:49:46,617 --> 00:49:50,084
So we have to hit at least
300 houses tonight.
1173
00:49:50,086 --> 00:49:51,352
Three hundred?
1174
00:49:51,354 --> 00:49:52,854
Don't worry. We have back-up.
1175
00:49:52,856 --> 00:49:54,923
Come on in, everybody.
1176
00:49:54,925 --> 00:49:58,626
Please welcome
the Chicago All Saints Choir.
1177
00:49:58,628 --> 00:50:00,362
You hired ringers?
1178
00:50:00,364 --> 00:50:03,365
I did what I needed to do
to succeed, Amy.
1179
00:50:03,367 --> 00:50:05,133
You should try it sometime.
1180
00:50:05,135 --> 00:50:07,869
Okay, fine.
We'll go caroling.
1181
00:50:07,871 --> 00:50:10,107
But I'm not wearing
this ridiculous costume.
1182
00:50:13,744 --> 00:50:15,646
Fuck me.
1183
00:50:22,954 --> 00:50:25,054
Hey, guys, we got more carolers.
1184
00:50:25,056 --> 00:50:27,057
Read your line, Scrooge!
1185
00:50:28,793 --> 00:50:30,327
Do it.
Mm.
1186
00:50:31,996 --> 00:50:33,896
Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge
1187
00:50:33,898 --> 00:50:35,430
and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work
1188
00:50:35,432 --> 00:50:37,131
and I am lazy.
1189
00:50:37,133 --> 00:50:39,068
Please, Mr. Scrooge!
1190
00:50:39,070 --> 00:50:41,135
Won't you listen
to our song?
1191
00:50:41,137 --> 00:50:45,240
And let ye heart be warmed!
Two, three, four.
1192
00:50:45,242 --> 00:50:49,945
We wish you
a merry Christmas
1193
00:50:49,947 --> 00:50:52,981
We wish you a merry
Christmas
1194
00:50:52,983 --> 00:50:55,751
We wish you
a merry Christmas
1195
00:50:55,753 --> 00:50:59,021
And a happy New Year
1196
00:50:59,023 --> 00:51:02,124
Good tidings we bring
1197
00:51:02,126 --> 00:51:04,492
To you and your kids
1198
00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:07,829
Yeah good tidings
for Christmas
1199
00:51:07,831 --> 00:51:09,831
What the fuck
is happening?
1200
00:51:09,833 --> 00:51:12,434
Happy New Year
everybody
1201
00:51:13,704 --> 00:51:16,372
And a happy New Year
1202
00:51:27,784 --> 00:51:29,952
Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge
1203
00:51:29,954 --> 00:51:31,954
and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work
1204
00:51:31,956 --> 00:51:34,356
Amy?
1205
00:51:34,358 --> 00:51:36,025
Oh, shit!
1206
00:51:36,027 --> 00:51:39,561
What in the fuck
are you wearing?
1207
00:51:39,563 --> 00:51:41,296
My mom made me wear this.
1208
00:51:41,298 --> 00:51:44,233
Oh, my God!
You look amazing, serious
1209
00:51:44,235 --> 00:51:46,501
Honestly, this is better than
what you usually wear at school.
1210
00:51:46,503 --> 00:51:47,836
Wait, guys, come here.
No, no, guys, it's okay.
1211
00:51:47,838 --> 00:51:48,903
You could, you could
just stay there, it's
1212
00:51:48,905 --> 00:51:50,204
This is Amy Mitchell.
1213
00:51:50,206 --> 00:51:52,006
She's dressed up
as an old fat man.
1214
00:51:52,008 --> 00:51:54,709
Uh, no, I'm actually supposed
to be Scrooge, but that's
1215
00:51:54,711 --> 00:51:56,878
Don't laugh, she's my friend.
That's rude.
1216
00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,048
Honey, I'm going to Instagram
the shit out of this, right now.
1217
00:51:59,050 --> 00:52:00,215
Okay, wait. Side angle.
Oh, great!
1218
00:52:00,217 --> 00:52:02,050
And this one.
Okay, um.
1219
00:52:02,052 --> 00:52:04,086
Can you do a li Can you purse
your lips for me a little bit?
1220
00:52:04,088 --> 00:52:05,887
I'm gonna go kill myself, so
1221
00:52:05,889 --> 00:52:08,724
I'll put a filter on it,
so you don't look so tired.
1222
00:52:08,726 --> 00:52:11,093
Thank you for visiting, Amy!
Bye.
1223
00:52:11,095 --> 00:52:12,994
I will never let you
forget this.
1224
00:52:12,996 --> 00:52:15,430
You know that.
I do.
1225
00:52:15,432 --> 00:52:17,369
Was that a broken dick
on her face?
1226
00:52:20,704 --> 00:52:23,738
Well, I thought that was
an enormous success.
1227
00:52:23,740 --> 00:52:25,907
Mom, this, this,
this isn't working.
1228
00:52:25,909 --> 00:52:27,675
What isn't working?
This, this.
1229
00:52:27,677 --> 00:52:29,410
I-I wanted a mellow Christmas
1230
00:52:29,412 --> 00:52:31,380
and you keep fighting me
every step of the way.
1231
00:52:31,382 --> 00:52:34,182
Amy, this is a very important
Christmas for your kids.
1232
00:52:34,184 --> 00:52:35,883
You cannot just phone it in.
1233
00:52:35,885 --> 00:52:38,186
I'm not,
I'm not phoning it in.
1234
00:52:38,188 --> 00:52:41,255
My kids told me that
they wanted a mellow Christmas.
1235
00:52:41,257 --> 00:52:43,425
And I promised them
that I would give it to them.
1236
00:52:43,427 --> 00:52:45,193
Well, of course
they told you that, Amy.
1237
00:52:45,195 --> 00:52:47,595
Because they're telling you what
they think you want to hear.
1238
00:52:47,597 --> 00:52:48,963
But secretly,
they know that I'm right.
1239
00:52:48,965 --> 00:52:51,400
Because you know what?
I just am.
1240
00:52:51,402 --> 00:52:53,034
Okay.
1241
00:52:53,036 --> 00:52:56,472
Ha-ha! You know what?
I'm done fighting this.
1242
00:52:56,474 --> 00:52:58,407
I'm gonna tell you exactly
1243
00:52:58,409 --> 00:53:00,441
how we're doing Christmas
this year.
1244
00:53:00,443 --> 00:53:02,276
The kids and I
are gonna spend
1245
00:53:02,278 --> 00:53:03,979
the entire Christmas Eve day
sledding.
1246
00:53:03,981 --> 00:53:05,414
And then,
we're gonna come home
1247
00:53:05,416 --> 00:53:07,883
bake cookies,
and watch Love Actually.
1248
00:53:07,885 --> 00:53:10,385
Dumb movie.
Then, Christmas morning.
1249
00:53:10,387 --> 00:53:12,753
Only Jessie and his daughter
are gonna come over
1250
00:53:12,755 --> 00:53:15,157
and we're gonna exchange
three gifts.
1251
00:53:15,159 --> 00:53:16,892
Who's Jessie?
1252
00:53:16,894 --> 00:53:18,593
Then we're gonna spend
all day in our pajamas
1253
00:53:18,595 --> 00:53:20,762
until my friends
come over for dinner
1254
00:53:20,764 --> 00:53:23,898
when we are gonna order
Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.
1255
00:53:23,900 --> 00:53:25,501
The horror.
Ugh!
1256
00:53:25,503 --> 00:53:27,468
There'll be
no show-offy party
1257
00:53:27,470 --> 00:53:29,972
no sushi, no camels.
1258
00:53:29,974 --> 00:53:34,843
And definitely, definitely,
no Kenny G.
1259
00:53:34,845 --> 00:53:37,146
Amy, he is the godfather
of smooth jazz.
1260
00:53:37,148 --> 00:53:40,314
Mom, I am done with
your over-the-top Christmases.
1261
00:53:40,316 --> 00:53:42,151
This is my house,
and this is my life.
1262
00:53:42,153 --> 00:53:43,619
And if you want
to come down here
1263
00:53:43,621 --> 00:53:45,921
and be a part
of my family
1264
00:53:45,923 --> 00:53:48,026
then you have to live
by my rules.
1265
00:53:51,762 --> 00:53:53,929
Okay.
Really?
1266
00:53:53,931 --> 00:53:55,099
We will do it your way.
1267
00:53:57,001 --> 00:53:59,336
We will have
a mellow Christmas.
1268
00:54:01,005 --> 00:54:03,271
I hope you're happy.
1269
00:54:03,273 --> 00:54:04,372
I don't think you mean that.
1270
00:54:04,374 --> 00:54:06,307
But thank you, I am.
1271
00:54:06,309 --> 00:54:11,313
You can have my
sugar sugar sugar baby
1272
00:54:11,315 --> 00:54:15,883
Wanna give you my
sugar sugar sugar baby
1273
00:54:15,885 --> 00:54:19,023
Wanna give it to you
1274
00:54:20,557 --> 00:54:23,525
If you want me to
1275
00:54:26,563 --> 00:54:28,030
And it worked.
1276
00:54:28,032 --> 00:54:29,697
I stood up to her,
and she totally backed down.
1277
00:54:29,699 --> 00:54:32,200
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
1278
00:54:32,202 --> 00:54:33,367
I actually felt,
for the first time
1279
00:54:33,369 --> 00:54:35,137
my mom looked at me
as an equal.
1280
00:54:35,139 --> 00:54:39,474
Like maybe someday,
somehow, we could be closer.
1281
00:54:39,476 --> 00:54:40,842
Relax, Obama.
1282
00:54:40,844 --> 00:54:43,077
Your mom is still
a colossal bitch.
1283
00:54:43,079 --> 00:54:45,813
Don't let your guard down,
or she's gonna blow up your car.
1284
00:54:45,815 --> 00:54:47,481
Alright, alright.
I'm just saying.
1285
00:54:47,483 --> 00:54:49,651
Well, either way,
it was a big step.
1286
00:54:49,653 --> 00:54:52,887
So, I just wanna say thank you
for encouraging me.
1287
00:54:52,889 --> 00:54:56,592
Aww, we're so proud. Whoo!
Thank you.
1288
00:54:56,594 --> 00:54:58,760
You know what I think
we should do to celebrate?
1289
00:54:58,762 --> 00:55:00,862
Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses
1290
00:55:00,864 --> 00:55:04,233
take off their clothes!
1291
00:55:04,235 --> 00:55:06,601
Give me the green light
1292
00:55:06,603 --> 00:55:08,102
'Cause I'm ready to go
1293
00:55:08,104 --> 00:55:11,005
Let's have a good time
1294
00:55:11,007 --> 00:55:12,407
What you waiting for?
1295
00:55:12,409 --> 00:55:15,043
We only got one life
1296
00:55:15,045 --> 00:55:16,378
And we gonna live it up
1297
00:55:16,380 --> 00:55:19,447
Oh, yay!
I love Santa Claus.
1298
00:55:19,449 --> 00:55:22,017
And there's so many of them.
1299
00:55:22,019 --> 00:55:25,119
Guys, I don't wanna make
a big deal of it.
1300
00:55:25,121 --> 00:55:27,722
But, um, I'm kind of
on a first date
1301
00:55:27,724 --> 00:55:28,956
with one of the Santas.
1302
00:55:28,958 --> 00:55:30,392
Shut up.
Yeah.
1303
00:55:30,394 --> 00:55:32,727
Wait. Which one?
1304
00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:35,731
Santa number two.
1305
00:55:35,733 --> 00:55:38,032
If you know what I mean
I'mma ride that mami
1306
00:55:38,034 --> 00:55:40,034
Yeah I got the key
and I'mma lock that mami
1307
00:55:40,036 --> 00:55:41,202
How'd you guys meet?
1308
00:55:41,204 --> 00:55:42,604
Oh, waxing his balls.
1309
00:55:42,606 --> 00:55:44,606
That is so romantic.
1310
00:55:44,608 --> 00:55:47,409
You learn a lot about a man
when you wax his sack.
1311
00:55:47,411 --> 00:55:50,646
You know, some guys cry.
Some guys act real tough.
1312
00:55:50,648 --> 00:55:55,249
But But Ty, he was so calm.
1313
00:55:55,251 --> 00:55:59,086
It was almost like waxing
the balls of the Dalai Lama.
1314
00:55:59,088 --> 00:56:00,123
Whoo!
1315
00:56:01,291 --> 00:56:03,624
How you doin' tonight, Chicago?
1316
00:56:05,061 --> 00:56:06,093
Alright.
1317
00:56:06,095 --> 00:56:07,262
Okay, listen, ladies
1318
00:56:07,264 --> 00:56:09,063
I need you guys to tell me
1319
00:56:09,065 --> 00:56:10,766
which one of these Sexy Santas
1320
00:56:10,768 --> 00:56:13,302
is the sexiest of them all?
1321
00:56:13,304 --> 00:56:15,604
Think you're ready? Yeah!
1322
00:56:15,606 --> 00:56:17,171
Okay, well,
let's start this thing off.
1323
00:56:17,173 --> 00:56:19,407
Santa number one,
the bar is yours, sir.
1324
00:56:32,255 --> 00:56:35,158
Oh. That is a lot of white skin.
1325
00:56:41,365 --> 00:56:43,331
Okay, you know what? Alright,
alright, Santa number one.
1326
00:56:43,333 --> 00:56:44,865
The audience has spoken.
1327
00:56:44,867 --> 00:56:46,334
Thank you. Such a good sport.
1328
00:56:46,336 --> 00:56:48,035
Such a good sport.
1329
00:56:48,037 --> 00:56:50,706
Alright. Now.
1330
00:56:50,708 --> 00:56:52,307
Bring it to the stage,
my man
1331
00:56:52,309 --> 00:56:56,043
Santa number two!
1332
00:57:18,402 --> 00:57:21,005
Yeah! Take it off!
1333
00:57:37,420 --> 00:57:40,354
He's, he's really good
at stripping.
1334
00:57:40,356 --> 00:57:43,224
He has such kind eyes.
Yeah.
1335
00:57:43,226 --> 00:57:45,162
I'm gonna fuck
his dick off tonight.
1336
00:57:48,699 --> 00:57:52,036
Put a baby in me,
Santa number two!
1337
00:57:53,237 --> 00:57:54,372
Whoo!
1338
00:57:56,106 --> 00:57:58,776
Whoo! I love his panties.
They're so seasonal.
1339
00:58:07,284 --> 00:58:09,052
Oh, my God.
1340
00:58:12,889 --> 00:58:16,023
I think I'm in love.
What?
1341
00:58:16,025 --> 00:58:20,197
I honestly think
that he's the one.
1342
00:58:21,465 --> 00:58:22,566
Is that your mom?
1343
00:58:27,070 --> 00:58:30,137
Wait, holy shit. It is.
Why is Mom!
1344
00:58:30,139 --> 00:58:32,441
What, what are you doing?
1345
00:58:32,443 --> 00:58:34,041
Oh, look at that.
Yeah.
1346
00:58:34,043 --> 00:58:36,146
My mom dances this way
with everybody.
1347
00:58:38,449 --> 00:58:40,784
So, this doesn't bother me
at all.
1348
00:58:43,619 --> 00:58:45,454
Oh, my God.
His face is in her tits.
1349
00:58:45,456 --> 00:58:47,889
Wait. Mom.
Mom, no motorboating!
1350
00:58:47,891 --> 00:58:49,458
We talked about this.
Alright.
1351
00:58:49,460 --> 00:58:51,059
It's about to get weird.
It's game time.
1352
00:58:51,061 --> 00:58:52,827
Oh, you look great!
That's my mom.
1353
00:58:52,829 --> 00:58:54,262
That's your mom?
Yeah, that's my mom.
1354
00:58:54,264 --> 00:58:56,063
Your mom?
Yeah.
1355
00:58:56,065 --> 00:58:58,499
Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
You have such a lovely daughter.
1356
00:58:58,501 --> 00:58:59,601
I know.
1357
00:59:03,474 --> 00:59:05,139
You should never have to watch
1358
00:59:05,141 --> 00:59:07,476
your mom lick
your boyfriend's nipples.
1359
00:59:07,478 --> 00:59:09,510
No.
Mom!
1360
00:59:09,512 --> 00:59:11,912
What are you doing?
1361
00:59:11,914 --> 00:59:13,948
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
1362
00:59:15,251 --> 00:59:17,017
Mom!
1363
00:59:21,358 --> 00:59:23,791
Not one person caught me.
That was amazing.
1364
00:59:23,793 --> 00:59:26,695
Every time they jump into
the crowd, someone usually
1365
00:59:26,697 --> 00:59:28,329
Hi.
Oh.
1366
00:59:28,331 --> 00:59:30,365
Hi. Hey.
Here you are.
1367
00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:33,501
I, uh Bag of ice for you.
1368
00:59:33,503 --> 00:59:35,440
Oh.
Thank you, Ty.
1369
00:59:36,039 --> 00:59:37,039
Um
1370
00:59:38,608 --> 00:59:40,175
So, about tonight, um, you know
1371
00:59:40,177 --> 00:59:42,110
we were gonna hang out
after the show.
1372
00:59:42,112 --> 00:59:43,945
And, uh, I mean,
I was looking forward to it.
1373
00:59:43,947 --> 00:59:45,680
I was wondering if, uh
1374
00:59:45,682 --> 00:59:47,048
If you're still up for it,
you know?
1375
00:59:47,050 --> 00:59:49,316
Oh, Ty.
Yeah.
1376
00:59:49,318 --> 00:59:50,318
Um
1377
00:59:52,121 --> 00:59:54,122
I would love to.
Good.
1378
00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:55,155
But, um
1379
00:59:55,157 --> 00:59:56,691
You know, I think this is
1380
00:59:56,693 --> 00:59:58,693
my mom's third concussion
this month and I'm just
1381
00:59:58,695 --> 01:00:01,496
Wow, that's
a lot of concussions.
1382
01:00:01,498 --> 01:00:04,331
Better stay with her
for observation.
1383
01:00:04,333 --> 01:00:05,333
Yeah.
1384
01:00:06,903 --> 01:00:08,239
Well, um
1385
01:00:09,806 --> 01:00:11,972
I gotta get back
to Cleveland tomorrow.
1386
01:00:11,974 --> 01:00:14,843
Right.
But, uh
1387
01:00:14,845 --> 01:00:16,845
Think I could give you a call
next time I come into town?
1388
01:00:16,847 --> 01:00:19,146
Would that
that interest you at all?
1389
01:00:19,148 --> 01:00:20,215
Could I do that?
1390
01:00:20,217 --> 01:00:21,249
Please.
Yeah?
1391
01:00:21,251 --> 01:00:22,684
Yes.
Great.
1392
01:00:22,686 --> 01:00:25,519
I'd, I'd wax your balls
for free.
1393
01:00:25,521 --> 01:00:28,055
That is so sweet.
1394
01:00:28,057 --> 01:00:30,427
Well, I would really
love that, Carla.
1395
01:00:32,028 --> 01:00:33,929
And so would my balls.
1396
01:00:33,931 --> 01:00:36,831
Well. Consider it done.
1397
01:00:36,833 --> 01:00:37,835
And, uh
1398
01:00:39,769 --> 01:00:41,235
Oh.
1399
01:00:41,237 --> 01:00:42,940
Sorry, I thought
you wanted to
1400
01:00:44,907 --> 01:00:47,342
Merry Christmas, Carla.
1401
01:00:47,344 --> 01:00:48,679
Merry Christmas, Ty.
1402
01:00:53,550 --> 01:00:57,084
Bells will be ringing
1403
01:00:57,086 --> 01:01:01,389
The glad glad news
1404
01:01:01,391 --> 01:01:05,793
Oh what a Christmas
1405
01:01:05,795 --> 01:01:09,898
You have the blues
1406
01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:13,568
My baby's gone
1407
01:01:13,570 --> 01:01:17,872
I have no friends
1408
01:01:17,874 --> 01:01:21,276
To wish me greetings
1409
01:01:21,278 --> 01:01:22,711
Mm
1410
01:01:22,713 --> 01:01:25,249
Once again
1411
01:01:27,217 --> 01:01:30,619
Okay, time for bed,
my darlings.
1412
01:01:30,621 --> 01:01:32,787
Tonight, I am
going to sing you
1413
01:01:32,789 --> 01:01:34,655
My Heart Will Go On
1414
01:01:34,657 --> 01:01:38,425
by seven-time Grammy winner,
Celine Dion.
1415
01:01:38,427 --> 01:01:39,429
Mm-hm?
1416
01:01:42,132 --> 01:01:43,501
What's the matter?
1417
01:01:45,568 --> 01:01:47,434
Is everything okay
with you and mom?
1418
01:01:47,436 --> 01:01:49,604
Yeah, you guys
have been fighting a lot.
1419
01:01:49,606 --> 01:01:52,143
Come here and sit by me.
Both of you, come here.
1420
01:01:54,510 --> 01:01:58,579
Now, your mother and I just
have a few tiny disagreements
1421
01:01:58,581 --> 01:02:00,115
about the importance
of Christmas
1422
01:02:00,117 --> 01:02:01,782
and what it means to be a mother
1423
01:02:01,784 --> 01:02:04,284
and the sanctity of marriage
and how best to raise children.
1424
01:02:04,286 --> 01:02:06,621
But otherwise,
everything is fine.
1425
01:02:06,623 --> 01:02:10,525
There's no reason
to worry, okay?
1426
01:02:10,527 --> 01:02:13,628
Look, I know
this is your first Christmas
1427
01:02:13,630 --> 01:02:15,497
since your parents got divorced.
1428
01:02:15,499 --> 01:02:17,865
And it's probably a little
strange for you. Am I right?
1429
01:02:17,867 --> 01:02:19,501
Yeah.
Yeah. It really is.
1430
01:02:19,503 --> 01:02:21,369
Well, first of all
1431
01:02:21,371 --> 01:02:24,805
both of your parents
still love you so very much.
1432
01:02:24,807 --> 01:02:27,541
And no matter what happens
1433
01:02:27,543 --> 01:02:30,811
I will always be there for you.
1434
01:02:30,813 --> 01:02:32,546
Always.
1435
01:02:32,548 --> 01:02:35,450
Because you're my grandkids,
and I love you
1436
01:02:35,452 --> 01:02:37,818
more than anything
in the whole world.
1437
01:02:37,820 --> 01:02:39,954
And so does Grandpa Hank.
1438
01:02:39,956 --> 01:02:41,655
I know his brain
is the size of a walnut
1439
01:02:41,657 --> 01:02:43,560
but you know,
his heart is enormous.
1440
01:02:46,996 --> 01:02:49,731
Okay? Feel better?
Yeah.
1441
01:02:49,733 --> 01:02:51,566
It's really nice
having you here, grandma.
1442
01:02:51,568 --> 01:02:54,235
Yeah. We really miss you.
Yeah.
1443
01:02:54,237 --> 01:02:57,505
Oh, I miss you, too.
1444
01:02:57,507 --> 01:03:01,209
Grandkids, they really are
the greatest gift.
1445
01:03:01,211 --> 01:03:04,912
Speaking of gifts,
have some iPhones.
1446
01:03:04,914 --> 01:03:06,715
Nice.
No way.
1447
01:03:06,717 --> 01:03:08,650
Now, get ready for bed.
1448
01:03:08,652 --> 01:03:11,921
And I will come back
and sing to you for hours.
1449
01:03:17,728 --> 01:03:20,260
I can't believe people fall
for this shit. It's so stupid.
1450
01:03:20,262 --> 01:03:22,162
Yeah, I know.
Oh wait, here comes somebody.
1451
01:03:22,164 --> 01:03:24,032
Merry Christmas!
Oh, Merry Christmas.
1452
01:03:24,034 --> 01:03:25,166
Ho, ho, hold on.
1453
01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:26,867
Hey, would you like to,
uh, donate
1454
01:03:26,869 --> 01:03:30,271
your canned goods to our
Christmas Canned Food Drive?
1455
01:03:30,273 --> 01:03:32,773
Oh, um, I sort of just
bought all this.
1456
01:03:32,775 --> 01:03:36,244
Bingo. She's got cans.
Oh!
1457
01:03:36,246 --> 01:03:38,912
Oh, mom, look, look, look.
She's got wine.
1458
01:03:38,914 --> 01:03:41,249
Thank you very much
for a very generous donation
1459
01:03:41,251 --> 01:03:43,084
to the Canned Christmas
Food Drive.
1460
01:03:43,086 --> 01:03:44,921
The children are
gonna be so happy.
1461
01:03:45,889 --> 01:03:47,688
Yes!
1462
01:03:47,690 --> 01:03:50,425
That was a good haul, mom.
Yeah, she had some good shit.
1463
01:03:50,427 --> 01:03:53,227
You know
ripping off rich people
1464
01:03:53,229 --> 01:03:55,764
in front of the supermarket
with you is
1465
01:03:55,766 --> 01:03:58,733
bringing back a lotta happy
Christmas memories for me.
1466
01:03:58,735 --> 01:04:01,436
Yeah. Me too, babe.
1467
01:04:01,438 --> 01:04:03,604
I miss you, you know?
1468
01:04:03,606 --> 01:04:05,305
I miss you, too.
1469
01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:08,041
It's so weird.
1470
01:04:08,043 --> 01:04:12,215
Yeah. Maybe we should
spend more time together?
1471
01:04:13,583 --> 01:04:15,916
Do you mean that?
1472
01:04:15,918 --> 01:04:17,385
Yeah.
1473
01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:18,653
You know, when we were
at the bouncy place
1474
01:04:18,655 --> 01:04:21,456
with, um what's his name?
1475
01:04:21,458 --> 01:04:23,758
Oh, my son, Jaxon?
Yeah, him.
1476
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:26,126
Um, I was watching you two
and you were beating the shit
1477
01:04:26,128 --> 01:04:28,095
out of each other
with those sticks, and I thought
1478
01:04:28,097 --> 01:04:30,798
You know, maybe I should have a
relationship with my grandson.
1479
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:34,337
Well, we'd, um,
we'd love to see you more.
1480
01:04:35,171 --> 01:04:38,005
Yeah. Okay.
1481
01:04:38,007 --> 01:04:39,807
You know, uh
1482
01:04:39,809 --> 01:04:41,175
I've been doing
a lot of thinking
1483
01:04:41,177 --> 01:04:43,144
about the money
you asked me for, mom, and
1484
01:04:43,146 --> 01:04:45,512
Um, I'm such an idiot.
1485
01:04:45,514 --> 01:04:49,286
But it's Christmas
and you're my mom and
1486
01:04:50,786 --> 01:04:53,688
Eh, fuck it. Here.
It's a loan. It's a loan.
1487
01:04:53,690 --> 01:04:55,289
I mean, this is not everything
you asked for, but
1488
01:04:55,291 --> 01:04:57,791
Oh, no, that's great!
Basically all I have.
1489
01:04:57,793 --> 01:04:59,459
Thank you so much.
This is a loan.
1490
01:04:59,461 --> 01:05:01,195
I will pay you back, I swear.
1491
01:05:01,197 --> 01:05:02,597
I really have
my shit together now.
1492
01:05:02,599 --> 01:05:04,365
Thanks. Whoa!
1493
01:05:04,367 --> 01:05:06,601
Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!
1494
01:05:06,603 --> 01:05:08,436
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
1495
01:05:08,438 --> 01:05:11,872
Would you like to donate your
cans to our Canned Food Drive?
1496
01:05:11,874 --> 01:05:14,843
We're collecting
for a drive for the homeless.
1497
01:05:14,845 --> 01:05:17,878
Yikes. I just bought all this.
And the canned goods.
1498
01:05:17,880 --> 01:05:19,947
You know, this is important.
The fuck is this?
1499
01:05:19,949 --> 01:05:21,782
Uh, that's fennel.
1500
01:05:21,784 --> 01:05:23,351
Oh, fuck it.
So happy.
1501
01:05:23,353 --> 01:05:25,220
Thank you so much.
1502
01:05:25,222 --> 01:05:28,956
Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's
coming. Code red, code red.
1503
01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:30,325
Go, go, go. Mom!
Where did we park?
1504
01:05:30,327 --> 01:05:32,059
Where did we park?
Happy Hanukkah.
1505
01:05:32,061 --> 01:05:33,293
Where did we park?
Go, go, go, go.
1506
01:05:33,295 --> 01:05:35,863
They just totally stole
all my shit.
1507
01:05:35,865 --> 01:05:37,365
Taking this, though.
This is cute, right?
1508
01:05:37,367 --> 01:05:38,499
Yeah, yeah.
1509
01:05:38,501 --> 01:05:40,133
Okay, guys.
1510
01:05:40,135 --> 01:05:42,003
So since it's Christmas Eve,
everybody gets to open
1511
01:05:42,005 --> 01:05:43,503
one present, okay?
1512
01:05:43,505 --> 01:05:46,206
Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
Open mine.
1513
01:05:46,208 --> 01:05:48,209
Please open mine first.
Please.
1514
01:05:48,211 --> 01:05:51,015
I'll go first. I guess.
Okay.
1515
01:05:53,315 --> 01:05:54,514
What's this?
1516
01:05:54,516 --> 01:05:57,251
It is a key
1517
01:05:57,253 --> 01:06:00,054
to my new house!
1518
01:06:00,056 --> 01:06:01,923
What are you talking about?
1519
01:06:01,925 --> 01:06:03,724
Well, after our therapy session
1520
01:06:03,726 --> 01:06:05,193
I felt like
we were drifting apart.
1521
01:06:05,195 --> 01:06:08,829
So I decided to move
closer to you guys.
1522
01:06:08,831 --> 01:06:11,865
Oh. Okay. Uh,
where are you moving to?
1523
01:06:11,867 --> 01:06:13,434
Right next door!
1524
01:06:13,436 --> 01:06:16,070
Jesus.
What?
1525
01:06:16,072 --> 01:06:18,039
You're moving, um,
next door to me?
1526
01:06:18,041 --> 01:06:19,874
Yeah, the house
wasn't on the market.
1527
01:06:19,876 --> 01:06:22,110
So I checked it out on Zillow
and I made an all-cash offer.
1528
01:06:22,112 --> 01:06:24,378
And then, boom.
Howdy, neighbor.
1529
01:06:24,380 --> 01:06:27,081
Howdy, neighbor.
Oh, my God.
1530
01:06:27,083 --> 01:06:30,450
We can dig a tunnel
between the houses. Keeks!
1531
01:06:30,452 --> 01:06:32,222
Oh, Keeks.
1532
01:06:33,456 --> 01:06:35,023
Kent, get the kids out of here.
1533
01:06:35,025 --> 01:06:37,758
Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.
Let's get outta here.
1534
01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:39,293
Mommy and grandma gotta talk.
Come on, buddy.
1535
01:06:39,295 --> 01:06:41,128
This is gonna get ugly.
1536
01:06:41,130 --> 01:06:42,396
Mom. Mom.
What? What?
1537
01:06:42,398 --> 01:06:43,965
You can't live next door to me.
1538
01:06:43,967 --> 01:06:46,767
Why, why not?
Because I need space.
1539
01:06:46,769 --> 01:06:49,139
And t-that,
that is too close.
1540
01:06:50,907 --> 01:06:54,474
I have diabetes.
Mom, stop.
1541
01:06:54,476 --> 01:06:56,077
Sit down. Sit down.
Kiki. Kiki.
1542
01:06:56,079 --> 01:06:57,244
Sit.
Kiki.
1543
01:06:57,246 --> 01:06:58,713
I've got strep throat.
Mom.
1544
01:06:58,715 --> 01:07:00,148
I might have gallstones
No.
1545
01:07:00,150 --> 01:07:01,983
And really, Kiki, this is
Enough.
1546
01:07:01,985 --> 01:07:04,485
We need to have
this conversation.
1547
01:07:04,487 --> 01:07:07,588
I am a grown woman
who needs a life
1548
01:07:07,590 --> 01:07:09,990
that is separate from yours,
and I need you
1549
01:07:09,992 --> 01:07:12,827
to have a life
that's separate from mine.
1550
01:07:12,829 --> 01:07:14,762
I'm sorry.
1551
01:07:14,764 --> 01:07:17,231
Kiki, I don't want a life
separate from yours.
1552
01:07:17,233 --> 01:07:18,666
You're my favorite person
in the whole world.
1553
01:07:18,668 --> 01:07:20,267
I know, but, mom,
this is starting
1554
01:07:20,269 --> 01:07:21,601
to affect my marriage.
1555
01:07:21,603 --> 01:07:23,271
What?
And my family.
1556
01:07:23,273 --> 01:07:24,838
Oh.
And my sanity.
1557
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:27,175
And I just,
I need you to
1558
01:07:27,177 --> 01:07:30,280
To, to just let me go
a little bit.
1559
01:07:32,282 --> 01:07:35,115
Well, what am I supposed
to do with myself?
1560
01:07:35,117 --> 01:07:37,751
I don't know, mom! Anything!
Make some friends!
1561
01:07:37,753 --> 01:07:39,519
You're always saying
you wanna go to Vegas
1562
01:07:39,521 --> 01:07:41,956
to see Wayne Newton
before he dies.
1563
01:07:41,958 --> 01:07:43,925
Do that! Anything!
1564
01:07:43,927 --> 01:07:46,095
As long as it's without me!
1565
01:07:48,999 --> 01:07:50,000
Without you?
1566
01:07:52,769 --> 01:07:54,872
Why are you doing this
to me, Kiki?
1567
01:07:56,306 --> 01:07:58,372
I didn't Mom.
1568
01:07:58,374 --> 01:08:01,878
And I really don't think
I can return that house!
1569
01:08:10,519 --> 01:08:12,452
Whoo!
Hey.
1570
01:08:12,454 --> 01:08:14,322
How fun was that sledding?
Oh, that was fun.
1571
01:08:14,324 --> 01:08:16,691
There is still an alarming
amount of snow
1572
01:08:16,693 --> 01:08:18,159
in my pants, I gotta say.
1573
01:08:18,161 --> 01:08:19,626
Oh, I can't wait to go home
1574
01:08:19,628 --> 01:08:22,030
throw on some jammies,
get comfy.
1575
01:08:22,032 --> 01:08:25,499
I know. It's gonna be Oh,
look, someone's having a party.
1576
01:08:25,501 --> 01:08:27,968
Yeah, they are.
1577
01:08:27,970 --> 01:08:30,204
Wow, that's a lot of people.
A lot of people.
1578
01:08:30,206 --> 01:08:31,738
Wait.
1579
01:08:31,740 --> 01:08:33,476
You're having a party.
1580
01:08:34,543 --> 01:08:36,479
Um, is that a camel?
1581
01:08:38,514 --> 01:08:40,416
Yup, that's a camel.
1582
01:08:42,685 --> 01:08:44,652
I'm gonna kill her.
1583
01:08:53,695 --> 01:08:55,599
What the fuck?
1584
01:09:01,104 --> 01:09:03,771
What did she do to my house?
1585
01:09:04,841 --> 01:09:05,841
No!
1586
01:09:06,943 --> 01:09:08,078
Gomenasai.
1587
01:09:20,222 --> 01:09:23,023
Kenny G's in my den.
1588
01:09:28,698 --> 01:09:29,800
Mom.
1589
01:09:31,066 --> 01:09:32,970
You lied to me.
1590
01:09:34,404 --> 01:09:36,269
I did what was best
for the family.
1591
01:09:36,271 --> 01:09:39,040
Mom, everything that is wrong
with Christmas is in this room
1592
01:09:39,042 --> 01:09:40,407
and I want it all gone.
1593
01:09:40,409 --> 01:09:42,143
Amy, don't be ridiculous.
1594
01:09:42,145 --> 01:09:44,411
You can't kick Kenny G
out of the house.
1595
01:09:44,413 --> 01:09:45,745
He's a national treasure.
1596
01:09:45,747 --> 01:09:47,647
If you won't do it,
then I will.
1597
01:09:47,649 --> 01:09:49,282
You wouldn't dare.
1598
01:09:49,284 --> 01:09:51,220
Oh. Watch me.
1599
01:09:54,423 --> 01:09:57,458
Yo! I need you
to leave my house.
1600
01:09:57,460 --> 01:09:58,625
What are you talking about?
1601
01:09:58,627 --> 01:10:00,894
Get the fuck out, Kenny G.
1602
01:10:00,896 --> 01:10:02,263
I'm still getting paid, right?
I don't know!
1603
01:10:02,265 --> 01:10:04,732
Take your little flute and shoo!
Shoo, fly.
1604
01:10:04,734 --> 01:10:06,834
Go make another album.
It's not a flute, bitch.
1605
01:10:06,836 --> 01:10:09,504
Don't care. Thank you so much.
Thank you. You can go now.
1606
01:10:09,506 --> 01:10:11,472
Please. You can leave.
Thank you so much for coming.
1607
01:10:11,474 --> 01:10:12,906
Thank you very much.
You too, my friend.
1608
01:10:12,908 --> 01:10:14,942
Please. No, no. Please exit.
1609
01:10:14,944 --> 01:10:18,146
I don't know any of you.
Please leave my house.
1610
01:10:18,148 --> 01:10:20,982
Farewell, see you later.
Sushi chef, you gotta go.
1611
01:10:20,984 --> 01:10:22,349
We're done.
You can take that plate.
1612
01:10:22,351 --> 01:10:25,189
Amy, stop!
You're embarrassing the family.
1613
01:10:27,157 --> 01:10:29,423
Oh, my God. That's what
this is about, isn't it?
1614
01:10:29,425 --> 01:10:30,958
This finally makes sense.
1615
01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:33,126
The, the perfect decorations,
the perfect tree
1616
01:10:33,128 --> 01:10:35,263
whatever the hell
that thing is in my front yard.
1617
01:10:35,265 --> 01:10:38,198
You didn't do this for the kids!
You did this for you!
1618
01:10:38,200 --> 01:10:39,866
All you care about
is for people to go
1619
01:10:39,868 --> 01:10:41,701
Oh, Ruth.
You're so amazing.
1620
01:10:41,703 --> 01:10:43,437
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
1621
01:10:43,439 --> 01:10:44,972
Please don't leave
without taking
1622
01:10:44,974 --> 01:10:47,107
your Louis Vuitton swag bag.
1623
01:10:47,109 --> 01:10:48,776
Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.
1624
01:10:48,778 --> 01:10:50,777
Th-this has got to all go.
A-all of this has got to go.
1625
01:10:50,779 --> 01:10:53,046
Th-the swag bags,
th-the weird curtains
1626
01:10:53,048 --> 01:10:54,648
the floor, the tree.
1627
01:10:54,650 --> 01:10:57,218
Oh, God, the tree
has got to go.
1628
01:10:57,220 --> 01:10:59,519
No, not my tree!
It's from Paris!
1629
01:10:59,521 --> 01:11:01,789
Watch me.
No!
1630
01:11:01,791 --> 01:11:03,323
No!
1631
01:11:03,325 --> 01:11:05,192
Say goodbye to your tree,
mother!
1632
01:11:05,194 --> 01:11:08,396
That's an antique!
It's a hideous tree, mother!
1633
01:11:08,398 --> 01:11:10,830
You have no idea!
It's not even real snow!
1634
01:11:10,832 --> 01:11:12,799
How dare you! You know
how much that thing costs?
1635
01:11:12,801 --> 01:11:14,669
I don't care! Let go!
1636
01:11:14,671 --> 01:11:17,338
Let go! Let go!
1637
01:11:17,340 --> 01:11:19,807
Those were from the Titanic!
1638
01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:21,145
I don't care!
1639
01:11:24,247 --> 01:11:25,845
That ice was from the moon!
1640
01:11:25,847 --> 01:11:28,148
It was moon ice,
you nasty bitch!
1641
01:11:28,150 --> 01:11:30,483
Let go of the stupid tree!
1642
01:11:30,485 --> 01:11:32,553
Let go!
1643
01:11:32,555 --> 01:11:33,920
Listen, mom!
1644
01:11:33,922 --> 01:11:35,322
I promised my kids
1645
01:11:35,324 --> 01:11:36,924
I wouldn't do Christmas
like this!
1646
01:11:36,926 --> 01:11:39,259
Everybody loves
a Christmas like this!
1647
01:11:39,261 --> 01:11:40,928
It's fucking spectacular!
1648
01:11:40,930 --> 01:11:42,699
No, they don't!
1649
01:11:53,909 --> 01:11:55,444
Holy shit.
1650
01:11:56,679 --> 01:11:59,112
I need you to get out.
Amy.
1651
01:11:59,114 --> 01:12:00,447
I've been putting up
with your shit
1652
01:12:00,449 --> 01:12:02,782
my entire life.
1653
01:12:02,784 --> 01:12:04,352
I can't do it anymore.
1654
01:12:04,354 --> 01:12:06,519
I just I can't.
1655
01:12:06,521 --> 01:12:07,921
I need you out of my house
1656
01:12:07,923 --> 01:12:09,924
and I need you
out of my life for good.
1657
01:12:09,926 --> 01:12:13,697
You don't mean that.
I really, really do.
1658
01:12:17,100 --> 01:12:19,436
Amy, it's Christmas.
Mother, get out!
1659
01:12:43,760 --> 01:12:45,896
Did you just kick out
grandma forever?
1660
01:12:47,430 --> 01:12:49,162
Guys, how long
have you been standing here?
1661
01:12:49,164 --> 01:12:50,997
How could you do this to us?
1662
01:12:50,999 --> 01:12:53,334
Guys, would you please just
trust me that it's for the best?
1663
01:12:53,336 --> 01:12:55,969
No, it's not!
It's the best for you.
1664
01:12:55,971 --> 01:12:57,604
We actually love grandma.
1665
01:12:57,606 --> 01:13:00,340
Yeah, she's a part of our
family, and we love her.
1666
01:13:00,342 --> 01:13:02,509
Yo-you don't just
kick someone out.
1667
01:13:02,511 --> 01:13:05,646
First, you kick dad out.
Now, you kick grandma out.
1668
01:13:05,648 --> 01:13:07,915
Who's next?
Are you gonna kick us out?
1669
01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:11,085
What, honey, no, of course not.
I would never do that.
1670
01:13:11,087 --> 01:13:13,657
Why do you always have
to screw everything up?
1671
01:13:15,257 --> 01:13:16,756
Honey
1672
01:13:16,758 --> 01:13:17,761
Nice goin'.
1673
01:13:19,929 --> 01:13:20,929
Guys.
1674
01:13:22,131 --> 01:13:23,131
Guys
1675
01:13:32,175 --> 01:13:34,709
So that's how it happened.
1676
01:13:34,711 --> 01:13:37,844
That's how I ruined Christmas.
1677
01:13:37,846 --> 01:13:39,946
I got so wrapped up
in fighting with my mom
1678
01:13:39,948 --> 01:13:41,615
that I lost sight
of the only thing
1679
01:13:41,617 --> 01:13:44,151
that actually matters.
1680
01:13:44,153 --> 01:13:46,056
I lost sight of my kids.
1681
01:13:47,055 --> 01:13:49,522
And what's worse is
1682
01:13:49,524 --> 01:13:51,791
I didn't just ruin Christmas.
1683
01:13:51,793 --> 01:13:54,461
I ruined my family.
1684
01:13:56,365 --> 01:14:00,401
Forget what
Father Brennan said
1685
01:14:00,403 --> 01:14:03,870
We were not born in sin
1686
01:14:03,872 --> 01:14:07,575
Leave a note on your bed
1687
01:14:07,577 --> 01:14:09,410
Mom?
1688
01:14:09,412 --> 01:14:11,211
It's Christmas Eve.
1689
01:14:11,213 --> 01:14:13,149
Where do you wanna get takeout?
1690
01:14:15,551 --> 01:14:18,355
Mom? Mom?
1691
01:14:35,538 --> 01:14:39,240
Pack yourself
a toothbrush dear
1692
01:14:39,242 --> 01:14:42,610
Pack yourself
a favorite blouse
1693
01:14:42,612 --> 01:14:46,379
Take a withdrawal slip
1694
01:14:46,381 --> 01:14:49,683
Take all
of your savings out
1695
01:14:49,685 --> 01:14:53,420
'Cause if we don't
leave this town
1696
01:14:53,422 --> 01:14:56,760
We might never make it out
1697
01:15:11,440 --> 01:15:15,543
Forget what
Father Brennan said
1698
01:15:15,545 --> 01:15:19,045
We were not born in sin
1699
01:15:19,047 --> 01:15:22,549
Leave a note on your bed
1700
01:15:22,551 --> 01:15:26,120
Let your mother know
you're safe
1701
01:15:26,122 --> 01:15:29,490
And by the time she wakes
1702
01:15:29,492 --> 01:15:33,160
We'll have driven
through the state
1703
01:15:33,162 --> 01:15:36,397
We'll have driven
through the night
1704
01:15:36,399 --> 01:15:38,598
Baby come on
1705
01:15:38,600 --> 01:15:39,600
Hey.
1706
01:15:40,802 --> 01:15:43,303
Oh, hello.
1707
01:15:43,305 --> 01:15:47,073
Thank you again for
inviting me to your church.
1708
01:15:47,075 --> 01:15:49,143
I really didn't.
1709
01:15:49,145 --> 01:15:55,148
Sleep in heavenly peace
1710
01:15:55,150 --> 01:15:56,817
What's up, bitches?
1711
01:15:56,819 --> 01:15:58,986
Oh, my gosh, it's Isis.
1712
01:15:58,988 --> 01:16:00,420
Isis is here.
1713
01:16:00,422 --> 01:16:03,022
Hi, Isis.
Hey.
1714
01:16:03,024 --> 01:16:04,657
Well, I must say,
I didn't expect you
1715
01:16:04,659 --> 01:16:06,626
to be the church-going type.
1716
01:16:06,628 --> 01:16:09,964
Well, I'm,
I'm workin' out some shit.
1717
01:16:09,966 --> 01:16:11,868
Plus, all the bars are closed.
1718
01:16:14,636 --> 01:16:17,370
Oh, you guys.
1719
01:16:17,372 --> 01:16:20,710
I could really use some
churchin' tonight.
1720
01:16:22,545 --> 01:16:24,478
You know what I mean?
1721
01:16:24,480 --> 01:16:26,379
No.
Nope?
1722
01:16:26,381 --> 01:16:30,384
Well, today my daughter told me
she needed More space.
1723
01:16:30,386 --> 01:16:32,353
I don't even know
what that's supposed to mean.
1724
01:16:32,355 --> 01:16:33,987
Yeah, well,
my daughter just kicked me
1725
01:16:33,989 --> 01:16:35,388
out of her life forever.
1726
01:16:36,458 --> 01:16:38,192
Why?
1727
01:16:38,194 --> 01:16:39,893
Because I push her
to be the best
1728
01:16:39,895 --> 01:16:41,995
and she can't handle it.
1729
01:16:41,997 --> 01:16:43,731
Of course, my mother
pushed me twice as hard
1730
01:16:43,733 --> 01:16:45,866
and I turned out amazing.
1731
01:16:45,868 --> 01:16:50,303
But I guess not everyone
is as incredibly strong as I am.
1732
01:16:50,305 --> 01:16:53,307
Well, my daughter didn't kick me
out of the house or anything.
1733
01:16:53,309 --> 01:16:55,476
But you would not believe
how mad she got
1734
01:16:55,478 --> 01:16:57,510
when I told her I bought
the house next to hers.
1735
01:16:57,512 --> 01:17:00,147
What? You bought the house
next to your daughter?
1736
01:17:00,149 --> 01:17:03,017
Yeah, I did.
Did you ask her first?
1737
01:17:03,019 --> 01:17:05,719
No, I wanted it
to be a surprise.
1738
01:17:05,721 --> 01:17:07,854
Yeah, that might be a bit much.
1739
01:17:07,856 --> 01:17:10,523
Dude, that is fucking psycho.
1740
01:17:10,525 --> 01:17:12,192
Well, at least
I love my daughter.
1741
01:17:12,194 --> 01:17:14,527
You only visit Carla
when you need money.
1742
01:17:14,529 --> 01:17:15,662
Uh, no, that is not true.
1743
01:17:15,664 --> 01:17:17,196
I visit her on other occasions
1744
01:17:17,198 --> 01:17:20,067
like when I'm hiding
from someone.
1745
01:17:20,069 --> 01:17:22,001
Oh, just admit it, Isis.
1746
01:17:22,003 --> 01:17:23,536
You're a degenerate gambler
1747
01:17:23,538 --> 01:17:24,838
with a third-grade education
1748
01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:26,005
and a cheap weave.
1749
01:17:26,007 --> 01:17:28,342
This is my own hair, okay?
1750
01:17:28,344 --> 01:17:29,876
And you're a terrible mother.
1751
01:17:29,878 --> 01:17:33,013
Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.
No, I'm serious.
1752
01:17:33,015 --> 01:17:35,115
You think that
you are so perfect.
1753
01:17:35,117 --> 01:17:37,684
But you are the worst mom
of all of us.
1754
01:17:37,686 --> 01:17:39,519
Well, I don't know
Okay, okay.
1755
01:17:39,521 --> 01:17:41,522
Second worst, whatever.
But the point is
1756
01:17:41,524 --> 01:17:45,692
that you're one of those moms
that you, you dress so perfectly
1757
01:17:45,694 --> 01:17:49,562
and you give fancy parties,
and you know how to cook food.
1758
01:17:49,564 --> 01:17:51,732
And, and you have
all your own teeth.
1759
01:17:51,734 --> 01:17:53,067
But you know what? You suck.
1760
01:17:53,069 --> 01:17:55,736
You suck at all the shit
that really matters.
1761
01:17:55,738 --> 01:17:58,304
And I even can see it,
and I'm stoned all the time.
1762
01:17:58,306 --> 01:17:59,706
Please, you don't know
the first thing about me.
1763
01:17:59,708 --> 01:18:01,040
Well, if you're
such an awesome mom
1764
01:18:01,042 --> 01:18:02,241
why did your daughter
kick you out
1765
01:18:02,243 --> 01:18:03,544
of her life forever?
1766
01:18:03,546 --> 01:18:05,245
In your face.
1767
01:18:05,247 --> 01:18:06,613
And you know what,
I have done horrible stuff
1768
01:18:06,615 --> 01:18:08,581
to my daughter,
really horrible shit.
1769
01:18:08,583 --> 01:18:11,785
And she has never
kicked me out. Never.
1770
01:18:11,787 --> 01:18:14,420
So you just take that
and you roll it up real tight
1771
01:18:14,422 --> 01:18:17,391
and you shove it up your ass.
1772
01:18:17,393 --> 01:18:19,893
Okay.
1773
01:18:19,895 --> 01:18:24,098
We've all shared some very
powerful feelings tonight.
1774
01:18:24,100 --> 01:18:25,465
Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.
1775
01:18:25,467 --> 01:18:26,469
You bet.
1776
01:18:43,653 --> 01:18:45,919
Hey.
Hey.
1777
01:18:45,921 --> 01:18:48,254
Well, I heard what happened.
1778
01:18:48,256 --> 01:18:49,525
Hmm.
1779
01:18:51,359 --> 01:18:52,695
You doin' okay?
1780
01:18:55,096 --> 01:18:56,432
I don't know.
1781
01:18:59,502 --> 01:19:00,933
Can I ask you something?
1782
01:19:00,935 --> 01:19:02,335
Sure.
1783
01:19:02,337 --> 01:19:04,370
How do you take it?
1784
01:19:04,372 --> 01:19:05,505
Take what?
1785
01:19:05,507 --> 01:19:07,107
Living with mom.
1786
01:19:07,109 --> 01:19:08,942
I mean, s-s-she's so bossy
1787
01:19:08,944 --> 01:19:10,376
and controlling and
1788
01:19:10,378 --> 01:19:12,446
Oh, my God, she's so vain.
1789
01:19:12,448 --> 01:19:14,814
I mean, she spends all her time
1790
01:19:14,816 --> 01:19:17,351
you know, creating this,
this perfect image of herself
1791
01:19:17,353 --> 01:19:19,119
just so she can
lord it over people.
1792
01:19:19,121 --> 01:19:21,621
Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.
1793
01:19:21,623 --> 01:19:23,823
Oh, come on, she, she wears
1794
01:19:23,825 --> 01:19:26,893
a princess outfit
at least once a month.
1795
01:19:26,895 --> 01:19:28,629
You're probably
never gonna believe this.
1796
01:19:28,631 --> 01:19:30,967
But your mom is the most
insecure woman I've ever met.
1797
01:19:32,033 --> 01:19:33,901
My mother?
1798
01:19:33,903 --> 01:19:36,135
Ruth?
Yes.
1799
01:19:36,137 --> 01:19:39,173
Redmond? Huh.
Yes.
1800
01:19:39,175 --> 01:19:40,973
She never shows
anyone except for me.
1801
01:19:40,975 --> 01:19:45,178
But beneath that tough exterior
is a scared little girl
1802
01:19:45,180 --> 01:19:46,914
whose mom
never really loved her.
1803
01:19:46,916 --> 01:19:48,549
Oh, come on, dad.
1804
01:19:48,551 --> 01:19:50,550
You know her mother.
1805
01:19:50,552 --> 01:19:51,985
Nothing your mom does
1806
01:19:51,987 --> 01:19:53,420
is ever good enough
for that woman.
1807
01:19:53,422 --> 01:19:55,555
She makes your mom
feel worthless
1808
01:19:55,557 --> 01:19:57,758
every single day
of her life.
1809
01:19:57,760 --> 01:19:59,759
So that's why it's
so important to your mom
1810
01:19:59,761 --> 01:20:01,695
to make everything perfect.
1811
01:20:01,697 --> 01:20:03,162
It's not because she's vain.
1812
01:20:03,164 --> 01:20:05,198
It's, it's, it's
You know, it's because
1813
01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:07,433
when someone tells her
she's got the most amazing
1814
01:20:07,435 --> 01:20:10,370
Christmas tree on the block, it
makes her feel just for a second
1815
01:20:10,372 --> 01:20:12,106
like she's not worthless.
1816
01:20:12,108 --> 01:20:15,541
Like she's, she's actually
good at something.
1817
01:20:15,543 --> 01:20:17,945
Like she's, like she's loved.
1818
01:20:17,947 --> 01:20:19,879
Why does she take it
out on me then?
1819
01:20:19,881 --> 01:20:22,249
Because you know what
she's most insecure about?
1820
01:20:22,251 --> 01:20:23,951
Mm
1821
01:20:23,953 --> 01:20:25,288
Bein' a mom.
1822
01:20:28,056 --> 01:20:31,724
I-I can't tell you the number
of times she said to me
1823
01:20:31,726 --> 01:20:34,695
Did I do a good job
raising Amy?
1824
01:20:34,697 --> 01:20:37,233
Am I good mother?
Did I screw everything up?
1825
01:20:38,234 --> 01:20:39,465
She really asked that?
1826
01:20:39,467 --> 01:20:41,134
Sweetheart, she loves you
1827
01:20:41,136 --> 01:20:42,736
more than anything in the world.
1828
01:20:42,738 --> 01:20:45,606
She's just got a
1829
01:20:45,608 --> 01:20:47,406
a deeply fucked up way
of showing it.
1830
01:20:47,408 --> 01:20:49,076
Yeah.
1831
01:20:49,078 --> 01:20:52,478
Look, I've been married
to your mother for 36 years.
1832
01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:53,914
Hm.
1833
01:20:53,916 --> 01:20:56,950
And she is a pain in the ass
even on a good day.
1834
01:20:56,952 --> 01:20:58,652
But you know what?
1835
01:20:58,654 --> 01:21:01,120
I love her more now than I did
the day we got married.
1836
01:21:01,122 --> 01:21:04,090
Because I know the real her.
1837
01:21:04,092 --> 01:21:08,094
And if you can find it
in your heart to forgive her
1838
01:21:08,096 --> 01:21:10,496
and get to know her
like I know her
1839
01:21:10,498 --> 01:21:15,169
you might just find
that there is a funny
1840
01:21:15,171 --> 01:21:19,141
sweet, beautiful person
hiding inside there.
1841
01:21:20,408 --> 01:21:22,175
Did you say Sweet?
1842
01:21:22,177 --> 01:21:26,515
Okay, a funny, beautiful person
hiding in there.
1843
01:21:29,984 --> 01:21:30,984
Yeah.
1844
01:21:32,855 --> 01:21:33,855
Yeah.
1845
01:21:35,824 --> 01:21:37,456
You know where she is?
1846
01:21:37,458 --> 01:21:39,125
It's Christmas Eve.
1847
01:21:58,713 --> 01:22:03,016
And the mountains in reply
1848
01:22:03,018 --> 01:22:06,820
Echoing their
joyous strains
1849
01:22:06,822 --> 01:22:13,328
Glo-o-o-ria
1850
01:22:14,296 --> 01:22:15,795
Excuse me, I'm so sorry.
1851
01:22:15,797 --> 01:22:18,732
In excelsis Deo
1852
01:22:18,734 --> 01:22:21,835
Gl-o-o-oria
1853
01:22:21,837 --> 01:22:23,704
Hey, mom.
1854
01:22:23,706 --> 01:22:24,706
Hi.
1855
01:22:26,341 --> 01:22:28,541
Hi.
Hi, I'm Sandy.
1856
01:22:28,543 --> 01:22:30,076
I'm Kiki's mom.
Yes, I know.
1857
01:22:30,078 --> 01:22:32,045
Nice to see you again.
How you doin'?
1858
01:22:32,047 --> 01:22:33,379
Hey, wow, look at that.
1859
01:22:33,381 --> 01:22:36,383
All of you are here. Okay.
1860
01:22:36,385 --> 01:22:38,518
And what are you
doing here, Amy?
1861
01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:40,519
I, um
1862
01:22:40,521 --> 01:22:42,255
I actually came to apologize
1863
01:22:42,257 --> 01:22:44,193
for kicking you out
of the house.
1864
01:22:46,662 --> 01:22:49,263
You're my mom,
and that was a little harsh.
1865
01:22:49,265 --> 01:22:50,834
It certainly was.
1866
01:22:52,333 --> 01:22:53,333
Yeah.
1867
01:22:54,770 --> 01:22:56,003
Okay.
1868
01:22:56,005 --> 01:22:57,336
Hey, psycho bitch
1869
01:22:57,338 --> 01:22:58,871
your daughter just
apologized to you.
1870
01:22:58,873 --> 01:23:01,575
You're now supposed to say
I'm sorry to her.
1871
01:23:01,577 --> 01:23:03,610
That's the way human beings
talk to each other.
1872
01:23:03,612 --> 01:23:04,612
Yeah.
1873
01:23:09,685 --> 01:23:12,422
I'm also basically sorry.
1874
01:23:15,224 --> 01:23:17,456
Okay, good. That was good.
1875
01:23:17,458 --> 01:23:19,394
Now, tell her
what you're sorry for.
1876
01:23:21,363 --> 01:23:22,699
You got this.
1877
01:23:26,234 --> 01:23:27,934
It is possible
that I should not
1878
01:23:27,936 --> 01:23:31,537
have thrown a secret
Christmas party at your house.
1879
01:23:31,539 --> 01:23:33,740
Obviously, you made
an incredible number
1880
01:23:33,742 --> 01:23:36,710
of bad decisions
this Christmas as well.
1881
01:23:36,712 --> 01:23:42,249
But for the tiny fraction
of blame that falls on me
1882
01:23:42,251 --> 01:23:47,824
I am I am
generally apologetic.
1883
01:23:50,091 --> 01:23:51,791
Okay.
1884
01:23:51,793 --> 01:23:53,927
Thank you.
1885
01:23:53,929 --> 01:23:55,795
Mom, I know that that was
1886
01:23:55,797 --> 01:23:57,496
really, really hard
for you to say.
1887
01:23:57,498 --> 01:23:59,434
I-it actually really was.
1888
01:24:02,971 --> 01:24:05,339
And, um you know what?
1889
01:24:05,341 --> 01:24:07,307
I just, I want you
to know that I finally
1890
01:24:07,309 --> 01:24:09,244
understand why you're like this.
1891
01:24:11,846 --> 01:24:16,752
And I need you to know
that I love you.
1892
01:24:19,421 --> 01:24:21,324
What's that supposed to mean?
1893
01:24:24,592 --> 01:24:27,130
I don't think
that you're worthless.
1894
01:24:29,465 --> 01:24:31,865
I think you're fucking amazing.
1895
01:24:31,867 --> 01:24:33,200
Why are you saying this?
1896
01:24:33,202 --> 01:24:35,137
And no matter
what anyone says
1897
01:24:37,305 --> 01:24:39,441
I think you're a great mom.
1898
01:24:43,479 --> 01:24:44,978
Really?
1899
01:24:44,980 --> 01:24:45,980
Yeah.
1900
01:24:47,382 --> 01:24:49,318
Yeah, I loved my childhood.
1901
01:24:50,786 --> 01:24:53,122
I did. You gave me everything
that I needed.
1902
01:24:54,823 --> 01:24:57,160
And you always pushed me
to do better.
1903
01:24:59,161 --> 01:25:01,128
And were you perfect?
1904
01:25:01,130 --> 01:25:03,129
Yes.
No.
1905
01:25:04,899 --> 01:25:08,067
But none of us are.
1906
01:25:08,069 --> 01:25:10,236
So, I just
1907
01:25:10,238 --> 01:25:16,144
I really want you
to know that you did great.
1908
01:25:18,514 --> 01:25:22,648
That's the nicest thing that
anyone has ever said to me.
1909
01:25:22,650 --> 01:25:24,317
I mean, I
1910
01:25:24,319 --> 01:25:27,821
I actually think that
you're a really wonderful mom.
1911
01:25:27,823 --> 01:25:29,522
I mean, your kids are so happy.
1912
01:25:29,524 --> 01:25:32,260
They're so sweet
and they love you so much.
1913
01:25:35,329 --> 01:25:37,667
Thank you.
I mean, I wish
1914
01:25:40,202 --> 01:25:43,873
I wish I was as close to you
as you are to your kids.
1915
01:25:46,707 --> 01:25:48,610
We still can, mom.
1916
01:25:52,213 --> 01:25:55,048
Wow, I'm just not
very good at this, Amy.
1917
01:25:55,050 --> 01:25:57,787
But I just love you so much.
1918
01:25:58,854 --> 01:26:02,425
I love you so much. I do.
1919
01:26:06,395 --> 01:26:08,562
God.
Oh, my God.
1920
01:26:08,564 --> 01:26:10,796
You're a train wreck.
1921
01:26:10,798 --> 01:26:13,700
Well, it's a very complicated
1922
01:26:13,702 --> 01:26:15,936
relationship between
a mother and a daughter.
1923
01:26:15,938 --> 01:26:18,104
But these two
1924
01:26:18,106 --> 01:26:19,371
They've got it together.
1925
01:26:19,373 --> 01:26:20,773
I know. I know, babe.
Finally.
1926
01:26:20,775 --> 01:26:22,608
Yeah. Okay. Here.
1927
01:26:22,610 --> 01:26:25,144
Do you want some this?
Yes.
1928
01:26:25,146 --> 01:26:27,746
It's okay. It's okay.
1929
01:26:27,748 --> 01:26:28,915
It's okay.
1930
01:26:28,917 --> 01:26:30,317
Okay, mom?
1931
01:26:31,920 --> 01:26:33,253
Mom, is it midnight already?
1932
01:26:33,255 --> 01:26:34,257
Well, yeah.
1933
01:26:35,791 --> 01:26:37,590
We gotta save Christmas.
1934
01:26:37,592 --> 01:26:39,625
Oh, my God. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.
1935
01:26:42,497 --> 01:26:44,897
Dashing through the snow
1936
01:26:44,899 --> 01:26:48,000
In a one-horse open sleigh
1937
01:26:48,002 --> 01:26:50,670
O'er the fields we go
1938
01:26:50,672 --> 01:26:53,339
Laughing all the way
Laughing all the way
1939
01:26:53,341 --> 01:26:55,976
Bells on bobtails ring
1940
01:26:55,978 --> 01:26:58,344
Making spirits bright
1941
01:26:58,346 --> 01:27:01,281
What fun it is
to laugh and sing
1942
01:27:01,283 --> 01:27:03,616
A sleighing song tonight
1943
01:27:03,618 --> 01:27:06,952
Whoa jingle bells
jingle bells
1944
01:27:06,954 --> 01:27:09,755
Jingle all the way
Jingle jingle
1945
01:27:09,757 --> 01:27:12,159
Oh what fun it is to ride
1946
01:27:12,161 --> 01:27:14,161
In a one-horse open sleigh
1947
01:27:14,163 --> 01:27:17,664
Hey jingle bells
jingle bells
1948
01:27:17,666 --> 01:27:20,634
Jingle all the way
Jingle jingle
1949
01:27:20,636 --> 01:27:23,103
Oh what fun it is to ride
1950
01:27:23,105 --> 01:27:27,844
In a one-horse open sleigh
1951
01:27:43,124 --> 01:27:46,328
Oh, my God!
This is amazing.
1952
01:27:47,563 --> 01:27:49,629
Merry Christmas, guys.
1953
01:27:49,631 --> 01:27:52,631
Mom, you really
did a lot of work.
1954
01:27:52,633 --> 01:27:54,537
I had a little help.
1955
01:27:55,804 --> 01:27:57,137
Merry Christmas, children.
1956
01:27:57,139 --> 01:27:59,371
Grandma.
1957
01:27:59,373 --> 01:28:02,675
Oh! Go open your presents.
1958
01:28:02,677 --> 01:28:05,545
I got you seasons one through
six of The Walking Dead.
1959
01:28:05,547 --> 01:28:07,981
Oh, good Lord. Really, mom?
Thanks, grandma.
1960
01:28:07,983 --> 01:28:09,516
I'll get it.
1961
01:28:09,518 --> 01:28:11,052
Oh, my God.
1962
01:28:12,186 --> 01:28:14,220
Merry Christmas!
1963
01:28:14,222 --> 01:28:17,223
Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.
1964
01:28:17,225 --> 01:28:20,227
Merry Christmas, Ruth.
Merry Christmas, Jesus.
1965
01:28:20,229 --> 01:28:22,728
Uh, it's, it's Jessie.
1966
01:28:22,730 --> 01:28:24,531
Wow, you have
really broad shoulders.
1967
01:28:24,533 --> 01:28:26,098
Amy, feel his shoulders.
1968
01:28:26,100 --> 01:28:27,701
Oh, here we go. Okay, mother.
1969
01:28:27,703 --> 01:28:29,568
Thank you. Get in.
1970
01:28:29,570 --> 01:28:32,339
Oh, thanks for almost
learning his name.
1971
01:28:32,341 --> 01:28:34,243
I love you, girl.
1972
01:28:38,346 --> 01:28:39,681
Merry Christmas, Kiki.
1973
01:28:40,849 --> 01:28:42,682
Merry Christmas, mom.
1974
01:28:42,684 --> 01:28:44,587
Do you like my
Kiki-head pajamas?
1975
01:28:47,756 --> 01:28:50,055
Sort of.
Thank you.
1976
01:28:50,057 --> 01:28:51,258
I just wanted to let you know
1977
01:28:51,260 --> 01:28:52,892
that I have put the house
1978
01:28:52,894 --> 01:28:55,128
next door on the market.
1979
01:28:55,130 --> 01:28:56,729
Thank you.
You're welcome.
1980
01:28:56,731 --> 01:28:58,197
I really appreciate that.
1981
01:28:58,199 --> 01:29:00,634
I know I can be a little
psycho sometimes.
1982
01:29:00,636 --> 01:29:02,602
And I know you need your space.
1983
01:29:02,604 --> 01:29:06,639
Which is why I bought the house
across the street.
1984
01:29:06,641 --> 01:29:09,709
No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy
the house across the street.
1985
01:29:09,711 --> 01:29:10,876
I bought the house
down the street.
1986
01:29:10,878 --> 01:29:12,211
What?
No.
1987
01:29:12,213 --> 01:29:13,446
I'm gonna move into your attic.
1988
01:29:13,448 --> 01:29:15,915
Mom! Seriously.
Kiki, what?
1989
01:29:15,917 --> 01:29:17,717
Where are you living?
1990
01:29:17,719 --> 01:29:21,454
I'm gonna go back to Bismarck
where I belong.
1991
01:29:21,456 --> 01:29:23,490
Thank you.
You're welcome.
1992
01:29:23,492 --> 01:29:24,994
I just
1993
01:29:26,795 --> 01:29:29,332
I really miss your dad
on Christmas.
1994
01:29:30,765 --> 01:29:32,232
I do too.
1995
01:29:32,234 --> 01:29:33,234
Yeah.
1996
01:29:35,170 --> 01:29:36,505
I do too.
1997
01:29:37,471 --> 01:29:39,973
Merry Christmas.
1998
01:29:39,975 --> 01:29:41,344
Merry Christmas, mom.
1999
01:29:52,421 --> 01:29:54,586
Hey, mom,
look what Santa got me.
2000
01:29:54,588 --> 01:29:56,356
A used baseball glove.
2001
01:29:56,358 --> 01:29:57,823
Oh, that's great, buddy.
2002
01:29:57,825 --> 01:29:59,592
I used to have one just like it.
2003
01:30:02,764 --> 01:30:04,100
Is that Santa?
2004
01:30:05,300 --> 01:30:06,700
Why would it be Santa, honey?
2005
01:30:06,702 --> 01:30:08,637
Remember, Santa came last night.
2006
01:30:13,675 --> 01:30:15,610
Can I come in?
2007
01:30:24,720 --> 01:30:25,720
Hm.
2008
01:30:26,954 --> 01:30:30,990
Um, alright, I know I haven't
2009
01:30:30,992 --> 01:30:33,329
been the best mother
in the world.
2010
01:30:35,297 --> 01:30:42,168
But you somehow just
turned out really good.
2011
01:30:42,170 --> 01:30:45,707
Um, and, Carla, I just
2012
01:30:47,475 --> 01:30:49,377
I wanna be more like you.
2013
01:30:51,078 --> 01:30:55,381
So, I've given up gambling
2014
01:30:55,383 --> 01:30:58,050
Mom.
On horses.
2015
01:30:58,052 --> 01:31:04,926
And I'm gonna pay you back every
cent that I borrowed from you.
2016
01:31:09,898 --> 01:31:11,563
Really?
Yeah.
2017
01:31:11,565 --> 01:31:13,903
You know, I got a fucking job.
2018
01:31:15,537 --> 01:31:17,437
Are you fucking kidding me?
No!
2019
01:31:17,439 --> 01:31:21,907
They hired me to be in charge
of children's safety.
2020
01:31:21,909 --> 01:31:25,879
Why would
they let you do that?
2021
01:31:25,881 --> 01:31:27,914
I don't even know
how I passed the drug test.
2022
01:31:27,916 --> 01:31:30,683
Seriously?
They're crazy.
2023
01:31:30,685 --> 01:31:33,119
And with what they're paying me,
I think I can pay you back
2024
01:31:33,121 --> 01:31:36,222
in about 245 years.
2025
01:31:36,224 --> 01:31:40,626
Wait, does this mean
you're gonna stick around
2026
01:31:40,628 --> 01:31:42,030
for a while?
2027
01:31:43,899 --> 01:31:46,435
If it's cool with you, yeah.
2028
01:31:48,103 --> 01:31:49,103
Mom.
2029
01:31:50,771 --> 01:31:52,805
It's all I've ever wanted.
2030
01:31:52,807 --> 01:31:55,578
Well, I'll stay
as long as you want me to.
2031
01:31:57,412 --> 01:31:58,412
Mom.
2032
01:32:01,248 --> 01:32:04,983
Mom, also I got
a box of Ziploc bags.
2033
01:32:04,985 --> 01:32:07,219
Oh, sweet Jesus.
2034
01:32:08,622 --> 01:32:10,255
Oh yeah
2035
01:32:10,257 --> 01:32:13,092
Candles burnin' low
2036
01:32:13,094 --> 01:32:16,062
Lots of mistletoe
2037
01:32:16,064 --> 01:32:18,897
Lots of snow and ice
2038
01:32:18,899 --> 01:32:21,968
Everywhere we go
2039
01:32:21,970 --> 01:32:24,003
Choir singing carols
2040
01:32:24,005 --> 01:32:27,506
Shaobing for everybody.
Bing with everybody but me.
2041
01:32:27,508 --> 01:32:30,742
All these things and more
2042
01:32:30,744 --> 01:32:33,278
God, Chinese food on Christmas.
2043
01:32:33,280 --> 01:32:35,147
I feel like such a Jew.
2044
01:32:35,149 --> 01:32:37,016
Would you like some shaobing?
2045
01:32:37,018 --> 01:32:38,817
Oh, you know I would.
2046
01:32:38,819 --> 01:32:40,986
No, honey,
that is Ruth's husband.
2047
01:32:40,988 --> 01:32:42,621
Oh, honestly, have at it.
2048
01:32:42,623 --> 01:32:44,456
Hank deserves a little fun
at Christmas.
2049
01:32:44,458 --> 01:32:47,293
Oh.
2050
01:32:47,295 --> 01:32:49,361
I love this.
2051
01:32:49,363 --> 01:32:51,464
Guys, I can't believe
that we're eating Chinese food
2052
01:32:51,466 --> 01:32:55,300
for Christmas dinner
and my mother is loving it.
2053
01:32:55,302 --> 01:32:56,870
I can't believe my mom's not
wearing a sweatshirt.
2054
01:32:56,872 --> 01:33:00,173
With my face on it.
Guys, we did it.
2055
01:33:00,175 --> 01:33:03,610
We actually took
Christmas back this year.
2056
01:33:03,612 --> 01:33:05,143
You know what? I couldn't
have done it without you girls.
2057
01:33:05,145 --> 01:33:07,179
Oh!
Ladies, I love you.
2058
01:33:07,181 --> 01:33:09,214
We love you back.
Same here.
2059
01:33:10,886 --> 01:33:13,286
Hi, is, um
2060
01:33:13,288 --> 01:33:15,191
Is Carla here?
Yes!
2061
01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,159
Ty Swindle.
2062
01:33:20,161 --> 01:33:22,829
How did you find me?
2063
01:33:22,831 --> 01:33:27,133
I just looked for you.
Hi.
2064
01:33:27,135 --> 01:33:29,902
Well, there are so many things
I wanna say to you right now.
2065
01:33:29,904 --> 01:33:32,138
Just say it.
2066
01:33:32,140 --> 01:33:33,705
I feel like it's better
if I, I do it through
2067
01:33:33,707 --> 01:33:35,808
the universal language
of dance.
2068
01:33:35,810 --> 01:33:37,809
Shut up.
Yes!
2069
01:33:37,811 --> 01:33:40,149
What dancing?
Christmas dancing.
2070
01:33:49,423 --> 01:33:50,522
Oh, Ty!
2071
01:33:50,524 --> 01:33:51,758
Well I'm feeling
2072
01:33:51,760 --> 01:33:53,726
Mighty fine y'all
2073
01:33:53,728 --> 01:33:57,263
Got my music on the radio
2074
01:33:57,265 --> 01:33:59,766
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
2075
01:33:59,768 --> 01:34:03,268
Well I'm feeling
mighty nice Lord
2076
01:34:03,270 --> 01:34:08,006
Got my music on the radio
2077
01:34:08,008 --> 01:34:09,608
That's beautiful, Ty.
2078
01:34:09,610 --> 01:34:12,911
Feel like I wanna
kiss you baby
2079
01:34:12,913 --> 01:34:17,584
Standin' underneath
that mistletoe
2080
01:34:17,586 --> 01:34:19,885
Oh, my fucking God.
2081
01:34:19,887 --> 01:34:22,021
Turn her around.
Turn her around.
2082
01:34:22,023 --> 01:34:24,022
It's okay,
just turn her around.
2083
01:34:24,024 --> 01:34:27,860
Maybe left all them good
presents for my baby
2084
01:34:27,862 --> 01:34:31,630
I said Merry Christmas baby
2085
01:34:31,632 --> 01:34:34,601
Surely you treat me nice
2086
01:34:34,603 --> 01:34:36,969
You surely treat me nice
2087
01:34:36,971 --> 01:34:40,072
Okay, alright,
that's great.
2088
01:34:40,074 --> 01:34:42,474
Okay, we're done.
That was amazing.
2089
01:34:42,476 --> 01:34:44,210
Thank you so much.
2090
01:34:44,212 --> 01:34:45,611
Just go for it, dude.
2091
01:34:45,613 --> 01:34:48,113
Oh, baby, don't cry.
2092
01:34:48,115 --> 01:34:51,317
Phew! He's so hot.
2093
01:34:51,319 --> 01:34:53,553
That's my son.
Yeah?
2094
01:34:53,555 --> 01:34:54,954
Hey, man.
Right there.
2095
01:34:54,956 --> 01:34:57,055
That's Jaxon.
Hey, there. How are you?
2096
01:34:57,057 --> 01:34:59,325
Nice to meet you.
Mm-hmm.
2097
01:34:59,327 --> 01:35:00,826
I'll take you right in there.
I love you.
2098
01:35:00,828 --> 01:35:02,295
I love you.
2099
01:35:02,297 --> 01:35:04,062
Phew!
Whoo!
2100
01:35:04,064 --> 01:35:07,500
Oh, we better get going
or we're gonna miss our flight.
2101
01:35:07,502 --> 01:35:10,169
What flight?
Oh, I didn't tell you?
2102
01:35:10,171 --> 01:35:13,438
Isis, Ruth and I are going
to Las Vegas for New Year's.
2103
01:35:13,440 --> 01:35:16,643
And we're gonna see
Wayne Newton before he dies.
2104
01:35:16,645 --> 01:35:18,143
Whoo!
2105
01:35:18,145 --> 01:35:20,479
The three of you are going
to Vegas together?
2106
01:35:20,481 --> 01:35:23,415
Yeah, well,
we're best friends now.
2107
01:35:23,417 --> 01:35:25,317
Well, we're, we're new friends.
2108
01:35:25,319 --> 01:35:27,120
We're best friends.
2109
01:35:27,122 --> 01:35:30,156
Yeah, we're new friends.
2110
01:35:30,158 --> 01:35:33,259
Anyways,
Merry Christmas, everyone.
2111
01:35:33,261 --> 01:35:35,961
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
2112
01:35:35,963 --> 01:35:38,630
Hank, get all our bags.
2113
01:35:38,632 --> 01:35:40,866
I do what I want
She does
2114
01:35:40,868 --> 01:35:42,768
Say what you say
2115
01:35:42,770 --> 01:35:45,037
I work real hard everyday
2116
01:35:45,039 --> 01:35:47,439
I'm a motherfucking woman
2117
01:35:47,441 --> 01:35:49,675
Baby alright
2118
01:35:49,677 --> 01:35:51,277
I don't need a man
2119
01:35:51,279 --> 01:35:53,478
To be holding me too tight
2120
01:35:53,480 --> 01:35:55,814
I'm a motherfucking woman
2121
01:35:55,816 --> 01:35:58,151
Baby that's right
2122
01:35:58,153 --> 01:36:01,787
I'm just having fun with
my ladies here tonight
2123
01:36:01,789 --> 01:36:04,122
I'm a motherfucker
2124
01:36:11,832 --> 01:36:14,068
Merry Christmas, everyone!
2125
01:36:14,070 --> 01:36:17,836
Subtitles by
explosiveskull
Resync by
GoldenBeard
2126
01:36:18,872 --> 01:36:21,641
Ho ho ho girl
2127
01:36:21,643 --> 01:36:23,809
You're on my naughty list
2128
01:36:23,811 --> 01:36:24,811
Tonight
2129
01:36:27,515 --> 01:36:31,517
Ho whoa-oh
2130
01:36:31,519 --> 01:36:34,320
Yeah yeah
2131
01:36:34,322 --> 01:36:37,223
Oh whoa-oh
2132
01:36:37,225 --> 01:36:38,758
You know
I got to tell you girl
2133
01:36:38,760 --> 01:36:40,159
You're something special
2134
01:36:40,161 --> 01:36:41,728
The way I feel babe
2135
01:36:41,730 --> 01:36:43,062
Gotta have you
2136
01:36:43,064 --> 01:36:44,863
Right here with me
2137
01:36:44,865 --> 01:36:46,866
I will never let you go
2138
01:36:46,868 --> 01:36:48,534
Hey
2139
01:36:48,536 --> 01:36:49,936
You stuck with me
through the times
2140
01:36:49,938 --> 01:36:51,370
I didn't have it
2141
01:36:51,372 --> 01:36:52,671
Now we got something good
2142
01:36:52,673 --> 01:36:54,339
You can have the plastic
2143
01:36:54,341 --> 01:36:56,675
And anything you want
you can have it
2144
01:36:56,677 --> 01:36:59,378
I wanna be your Santa Claus
2145
01:36:59,380 --> 01:37:02,180
You're always
working hard girl
2146
01:37:02,182 --> 01:37:04,517
Tonight
we're taking off girl
2147
01:37:04,519 --> 01:37:07,219
I wanna be your Santa Claus
Wanna be your Santa Claus
2148
01:37:07,221 --> 01:37:10,022
Let me be your Santa Claus
Let me be your Santa Claus
2149
01:37:10,024 --> 01:37:15,527
I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight
2150
01:37:15,529 --> 01:37:18,531
I wanna be your Santa Claus
Wanna be your Santa Claus
2151
01:37:18,533 --> 01:37:21,233
Let me be your Santa Claus
Let me be your Santa Claus
2152
01:37:21,235 --> 01:37:24,970
I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight
2153
01:37:24,972 --> 01:37:28,040
Feel so good tonight baby
2154
01:37:28,042 --> 01:37:30,876
Baby take your time with me
2155
01:37:30,878 --> 01:37:34,647
I'm your gift
unwrap me slowly
2156
01:37:34,649 --> 01:37:36,448
The fireplace is burnin'
perfect time to
2157
01:37:36,450 --> 01:37:40,152
Girl I got something
special for you
2158
01:37:40,154 --> 01:37:42,722
Girl I gotta be
2159
01:37:42,724 --> 01:37:45,157
Oh
2160
01:37:45,159 --> 01:37:47,160
I don't wanna spend
this Christmas
2161
01:37:47,162 --> 01:37:49,629
Without you letting
me feel
2162
01:37:49,631 --> 01:37:51,296
Hey
2163
01:37:51,298 --> 01:37:52,732
Your Santa baby
2164
01:37:52,734 --> 01:37:56,669
Santa baby
2165
01:37:56,671 --> 01:37:58,937
Tonight tonight
2166
01:37:58,939 --> 01:38:02,073
I wanna be your Santa Claus
Wanna be your Santa Claus
2167
01:38:02,075 --> 01:38:04,811
Let me be your Santa Claus
Let me be your Santa Claus
2168
01:38:04,813 --> 01:38:08,246
I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight
2169
01:38:08,248 --> 01:38:10,348
Come home tonight
2170
01:38:10,350 --> 01:38:13,119
I wanna be your Santa Claus
Wanna be your Santa Claus
2171
01:38:13,121 --> 01:38:15,955
Let me be your Santa Claus
Let me be your Santa Claus
2172
01:38:15,957 --> 01:38:21,527
I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight
2173
01:38:21,529 --> 01:38:23,428
I wanna be
I wanna be
2174
01:38:23,430 --> 01:38:25,464
I wanna be your Santa Claus
2175
01:38:25,466 --> 01:38:28,099
Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be
your Santa Claus
2176
01:38:28,101 --> 01:38:30,803
Let me be your Santa Claus
2177
01:38:30,805 --> 01:38:34,773
Tonight
2178
01:38:34,775 --> 01:38:37,143
Merry Christmas baby
2179
01:38:37,145 --> 01:38:40,446
I do my hair toss
check my nails
2180
01:38:40,448 --> 01:38:43,049
Baby how you feelin'
Feeling good as hell
2181
01:38:43,051 --> 01:38:45,384
Hair toss
check my nails
2182
01:38:45,386 --> 01:38:48,521
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2183
01:38:48,523 --> 01:38:50,555
Feeling good as hell
2184
01:38:50,557 --> 01:38:53,058
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2185
01:38:53,060 --> 01:38:55,294
Whoo girl need to kick off
your shoes
2186
01:38:55,296 --> 01:38:57,696
Got to take a deep breath
time to focus on you
2187
01:38:57,698 --> 01:39:00,031
All the big fights long
nights that you been through
2188
01:39:00,033 --> 01:39:03,134
I got a bottle of tequila
I been saving for you
2189
01:39:03,136 --> 01:39:04,970
Boss up and change
your life
2190
01:39:04,972 --> 01:39:07,406
You can have it all
no sacrifice
2191
01:39:07,408 --> 01:39:09,575
I know he did you wrong
we can make it right
2192
01:39:09,577 --> 01:39:12,844
So go and let it
all hang out tonight
2193
01:39:12,846 --> 01:39:17,583
'Cause he don't
love you anymore
2194
01:39:17,585 --> 01:39:22,187
So walk your fine ass
out the door
2195
01:39:22,189 --> 01:39:25,391
And do your hair toss
check my nails
2196
01:39:25,393 --> 01:39:28,094
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2197
01:39:28,096 --> 01:39:30,495
Hair toss
check my nails
2198
01:39:30,497 --> 01:39:33,165
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2199
01:39:33,167 --> 01:39:35,500
Hair toss
check my nails
2200
01:39:35,502 --> 01:39:37,870
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2201
01:39:37,872 --> 01:39:40,606
Hair toss
check my nails
2202
01:39:40,608 --> 01:39:43,679
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2203
01:39:45,346 --> 01:39:46,678
Ooh
2204
01:39:46,680 --> 01:39:48,781
Yeah
2205
01:39:48,783 --> 01:39:51,250
Alright
2206
01:39:51,252 --> 01:39:52,785
Listen
2207
01:39:52,787 --> 01:39:57,689
If he don't
love you anymore
2208
01:39:57,691 --> 01:40:02,430
Then walk your fine ass
out the door
2209
01:40:04,599 --> 01:40:08,099
And do your hair toss
check my nails
2210
01:40:08,101 --> 01:40:10,469
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2211
01:40:10,471 --> 01:40:13,039
Hair toss
check my nails
2212
01:40:13,041 --> 01:40:15,573
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2213
01:40:15,575 --> 01:40:18,110
Hair toss
check my nails
2214
01:40:18,112 --> 01:40:20,446
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2215
01:40:20,448 --> 01:40:22,915
Hair toss
check my nails
2216
01:40:22,917 --> 01:40:26,384
Baby how you feelin'?
Feeling good as hell
2217
01:40:26,386 --> 01:40:29,088
Feeling good as hell
Baby how you feelin'?
2218
01:40:29,090 --> 01:40:31,891
Feeling good as hell
157303