All language subtitles for movieddl me_Jeff & Some Aliens S01E09 Jeff and Some Love 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-Cinefeel_track4_[eng]

- * Every time that
I'm with Susie my heart grows *

* I'm looking
at her longingly *

* But she doesn't know *

* Well today that all ends

* I'm gonna make my move *

* I'm finally gonna
say something *

- Can we turn this off?

These old movies are, like,

impossible for me
to connect with.

- Huh? Yeah, totally.
They--

they were different times.

So, uh, what should we do now?

You want to wrestle?
- Huh?

- [chuckles]
We can do shirts versed skins.

I call shirts.

[chuckles]
I'm just kidding.

You can be shirts.
[chuckles]

- You know, that sounds fun,
but it's getting late.

I think I'm gonna go.

Thank you so much for helping me
fix my computer, though.

- Hey, ju--just think of me
as--as your IT guy.

Oh.
Oh, God!

- Ooh!
- Really? Wrestling?

- Oh, come on.
- What was even supposed

to happen?
I-I don't understand.

Like, you guys wrestle
and then what?

You just, like,
accidentally make out?

- You know what?
I don't have to defend myself

to you guys, okay?

Maybe it wasn't the smoothest
move in the world, but--

- Yeah, you can say that again.
- Why don't we just agree

to never talk about this again,
okay?

- Shirts versus skins?
- Goddamn it!

- I get a message
from one of my analysts

telling me our human subject
finally has a woman in his home

and I think, "Fantastic.

I'll get to see
what love looks like on Earth."

But instead,
it's just more of the same

desperate, pathetic groveling.

- Okay, look, there's no need
to be disrespectful here.

I do feel like
I'm making some good progress

and slowly wearing Linda down,
okay?

- We've had enough waiting,
Jeff.

We want to see some action.

Species who are not capable
of love

are a threat to the harmony
of the galaxy.

Everybody knows that.
- What? No, no, no, no.

We're totally capable of love.
That's not the problem.

You know what the problem is?

I think I've been putting
a little too much pressure

on myself to make this happen
and that's mak--

- If you don't close the deal
with Linda,

we're gonna blow up
your planet.

- Come on!
What the [bleep]?

Don't you guys worry
that if you keep making

the same threat all the time
I might go numb to it, huh?

- Well, if it's all the same
to you,

we'll just blow it up
right now.

- Oh, [bleep],
no, no, no, no, no.

Please, please no.
I'm not numb to it.

Wait, no, no, not numb.
Not numb.

- You have 50 days.

- God, what an asshole.

- * Three aliens
came from the sky *

* The Galactic Council
sent them *

all: * And here's
the reason why *

- * Their mission is to study

* Earth's most average guy *

all: * To see if humans
are worth saving *

* Or if everyone has to die

- Wait, what?

Hey, Linda.
- Aah! Jeff.

What are you doing here?

- Oh, I was just curious.
[chuckles]

What are you up to tonight?

Huh?
Say, uh, 7:30.

- Um, I don't--I don't have
any plans, why?

- Cool, cool.
'Cause I was just thinking,

you know, no pressure,
but it might be fun

if you and I right now
went to Paris.

- What?
- Yeah, I just saw that they had

really low fares
and I just thought, "Why not?"

[chuckles]
Life is short, you know?

- [sighs]
Honestly, Jeff, you're--

you're kind of putting me in
an uncomfortable position here.

I don't know, I mean,
maybe I haven't been clear.

Sure, there was a spark
between us once.

- And what a spark, huh?
What a spark!

- And I was really hoping maybe
we could still stay friends,

but maybe it's best
for both of us

if we just don't hang out
for a while.

- Okay.
Totally get it, yeah.

What about Wednesday?
What are you doing then?

- No, Jeff.
I mean, like, a long time.

Like, maybe forever.

- [bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep].

- You know, I think the problem
is, you didn't go big enough.

How about you take her on
this luxury cruise to Bali?

- Oh, it's hopeless.
It's over.

Everyone's gonna die

and it's all because
I have zero game.

- You couldn't have less game
than me, Jeff.

But I still found a way
to go steady

with the girl of my dreams.

I just needed a little help
from love goggles.

- Okay, love goggles, huh?

I'm listening.

- Her name was Zarga.

We were lifeguards
at a fancy Slorgian resort.

And every day around lunchtime
she would come up to me

and say in the sweetest,
most exquisite voice

you've ever heard, "Hey, Ted,
wanna go get some lunch?"

That was the best part
of my day because--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
okay, come on.

Let--let's--let's stay
on track here.

What about the love goggles,
okay?

What do they do
and how are they gonna help?

- Well, Jeff,
the way they work is,

they'll show you how you
destroyed the love

that Linda had for you.

There was a whole context
that I guess you're not inter--

- Jeff, you want to go
to the gym with me?

It could be good for you.
- What?

That's the whole point
of being in a relationship.

You can let yourself go
and no matter what,

you still love each other.
Right?

- Whew.
What a day.

Thanks for offering
to make dinner, baby.

- [gasps]
- What are we having?

- Uh, just a sec.
[chuckles]

Um, uh, oh.
[beeping]

Oh, hey.
[chuckles]

We're--we're having...

cheese bowl with potato chips.

- [sighs]

- * We never want to grow up

* Slam shots
until we grow up *

- Jeff, we're gonna be late
for the ballet.

- The ballet?
Uh, okay.

Let me break it down for you.
The ballet is for losers.

And you don't want to spend
your birthday

with a bunch of losers,
do you?

- No, Jeff.

- Oh, my God.

I mean, no wonder
she doesn't want to be with me.

Thank you.
Thank you guys so much

for helping me see
all my flaws.

- All your flaws?
We're just getting started.

We got five more hours
just in the first--

- No, no, that's not necessary.
[chuckles]

I think I got the gist.

I just gotta fix every single
part of myself, that's all.

[rock music]

[panting]

*

- And voila, mes amis,
you open ze oven,

and ze goose should be moist
and bursting with flavor.

- Oh.

[grunting]

[yelling]

[chuckles]

[grunting]

*

Mmm, oh, my God, this turmeric
is out of this world.

Oh,
you got any fresh kohlrabi?

- Jeff?
- Oh, Linda.

I thought this place
was my little secret.

[chuckles]

- You look great.

- You know, it's weird.
People keep saying that.

I mean, it's like did I not
look good before or something?

- No, no, no, no.
That's not what I meant.

- Oh, you know what? I actually
thought about you the other day.

- You did?
- I went to see

that modern Slovenian ballet
troupe at the Independent.

The choreography
was so cutting edge,

it made Pina Bausch look like
George Balanchine, I'm serious.

[both chuckle]
- Oh, my God, I read about it.

It sounded amazing.
[exhales sharply]

You know, I think
I should apologize, Jeff.

I feel like the last time I saw
you, I was really hard on you.

- Oh, please.
I think we can both agree

I used to be a bit
of a knucklehead, right?

[chuckles]
Hey, I got an idea.

I just bought way too much
amazing organic produce.

Why don't I whip us up
a little something?

We can crack open
this earthy priorat

and let the past be the past.

- You cook?

[upbeat music]

- Mmm, this is amazing.

- Oh, it's nothing.
I just spatchcocked it,

brined it, and basted it in
a little caramelized demi-glace.

Couldn't have been
more simple.

- Jeff, I am not gonna lie.

I am seriously impressed.

- This was fun.
I should probably go.

I've got to get up
early tomorrow.

It's a legs day.
[chuckles]

- Why don't you just make it
a legs night?

- * I love her

- Yeah! Whoo!
I did it!

And with five days to spare!
Yeah!

- Whoo!
- All right! Yeah, buddy!

- Thank you, thank you.
Really.

You know,
it was insanely stressful,

but I guess the threat
of a mass holocaust

was exactly what I need to hit
the gym and all that [bleep].

Aah!
- Congratulations, Jeff.

When's the wedding?
- [chuckles]

You crazy aliens.
Oh.

See, those are the kinds
of questions

I'm not even
thinking about anymore.

Because I'm just gonna
enjoy this and--

- What?
No, you have to get married.

- What?
- I clearly stated

that you have to close the deal.
That means marriage.

I mean, come on, do I have to
spell everything out for you?

- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- So now, Jeff,

I'm going to say good-bye.
- Just listen, don't cut me off

this time, just let me--don't
cut me off, do not cut me off.

- Which means
our conversation is over.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh!

Seriously,
that guy is the worst.

- Come on, right this way.
Just a little bit further.

- [chuckles]
Hey, you know why I think

we're working so well
this time around?

- Why is that?
- Because we're taking it slow.

We're not trying to put labels
on anything.

- No labels?
[chuckles]

Excuse me.

Get--get out of here!
Get out of here!

- Huh?
- You know what?

I just realized
we're on the wrong mountain.

[chuckles]
- Wait, what?

- The view here sucks, so what
do you say we turn around, huh?

- We've been hiking for, like,
three hours.

Let's at least
just take a look.

- No, no, no, no.
No need to look around, okay?

- Jeff, stop.
Let me see what's--

- Just come on, come on,
come on, come on.

- [gasps]
all: [singing in Spanish]

- Oh, no.

- [chuckles]
That's crazy.

Somebody must be proposing to
another person named Linda here.

Oh, damn.
I forgot about that part.

- Oh, Jeff.
You always want something more,

yet you can't just be happy
in the moment.

I guess we're just
on very different pages.

- No, no, no, no, no.
We're on the same page, I swear.

[chuckles]
Shut the [bleep] up!

[chuckles] I want to take
things slow too, all right?

We don't have
to get married today.

Just sometime in the next, uh,
four days.

We're [bleep], we're [bleep].
She dumped me.

We're all gonna die,
we're all gonna [bleep] die.

- You know, Zarga wouldn't
marry me either.

She said I was too creepy.

Well, I showed her.

I bought some
black market parts

so my goggles would suck
the love out of other couples.

Then I pumped their love
into her,

so she had no choice
but to love me.

Soon, I had my sweetheart
back in my loving arms.

And I cuddled her
and snuggled her all night

like a sweet little bird.

My sweet little bird.

- Whoa, okay, that is by far
the creepiest thing

I've ever heard in my life.

But I guess I don't really
have any other options, do I?

- I can't think of any.

- * Whoa my love

- Mmm, I love you so much,
honey.

- I just didn't know
life could be this good.

[both moaning]

[baby gurgling]
- Huh?

- We may not have money,
but we'll be okay

because we're rich in love.

- Damn it, I can't do this.
[glass shattering]

- Huh?
- What the [bleep], Stinger?

You can't solve
all your problems

by throwing bottles at 'em!

- Shut your mouth,
you lousy bitch!

- [crying]
- Hey, Sammy, quick question.

Relationships that are, uh,
not necessarily the best,

those still have love in them
that can be sucked out, right?

- Uh, yeah, yeah.
You--you probably need

a lot more couples,
but that should work.

- I'd be freeing them, right?
I mean,

I'd actually be doing
something good.

- Hey, Jeff, I gotta go, I don't
want to burn my chicken breasts.

I spent all day marinating them,
and I really don't want

to mess these up.
- [crying]

[beeping, zapping]

- Oh.

- Oh, come on.

Why don't you let Stinger
pound that ass

and make everything better?

- Not this time, Stinger.
Not this time.

[upbeat music]

- Should we get the chickpeas
or the kidney beans?

- Well, we both know you're only
asking me so you can disagree.

- Oh, now stop that [bleep],
honey.

[zapping]

[indistinct arguing]

[zapping]

- Linda, we need to talk.
- [gasps]

Jeff, listen.

- Can I just ask you
one question?

- [exhales sharply]
What?

[zapping]
[groans]

- Will you marry me...
tomorrow?

- Jeff, of course!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Oh, thank God!

[chuckles]
This is great!

- Congratulations, you two.

I couldn't help but overhear.

- Oh, thank you.
- You think I'm blind?

I saw the way
you looked at her ass.

- Huh?
- You want to [bleep] her, Jeff?

- Excuse me?
- [mocking] Excuse me?

Excuse me?
My name's Jeff

and I can't keep my dick
in my pants.

- Wait, wait, wait.
What's going on?

Okay, you--you know what?

I-I think I-I may have made
a mistake.

- Give me those stupid things.
- Aah!

- This first thing I'm gonna do
is teach you how to dress.

- No! Oh!
[glasses shattering]

- Now are you ready to plan
the perfect wedding? Muah.

[ominous music]

- Oh, you broke
my love goggles?

Great, now I'll be
a bachelor for life.

- She broke them.
She's totally out of control.

- Well, you filled her up
with the worst kind

of garbage love you could find.
What did you expect?

- What do you mean?
Sammy told me it was okay.

- Well, what do I know?
I don't use machines

to pick up chicks, okay?
I'm not some weird loser.

- Don't you see, Jeff?

Now she's riddled with
all their issues,

baggage,
and abusive neuroses.

- But congrats on the wedding.

[knocking]
- What are you doing in there?

Are you talking to one
of your sluts?

- What? No.
No, darling.

I don't have any sluts.
[chuckles]

Baby, I'm sorry, I just--aah!

[groans]
- Jeff!

- Huh?
- Dude, I just saw

the Facebook invite.
You're getting married?

That's awesome.
- Honestly, dude,

we always thought you were just
kinda wasting your time

with Linda 'cause she's just
so far out of your league.

- Thanks, guys.
I feel really lucky.

- Whoa!
What happened to your eye?

- Oh, this?
Oh, it's nothing.

I accidentally hit the door
on my face this morning.

[chuckles]
You know me.

Just a big, clumsy idiot.
[chuckles]

- Oh, okay.

Well, it's happening so fast.
[chuckles]

You're not even going to have
a bachelor party?

- We could totally do one
afterwards, man.

My cousin Stacy's a stripper
and she's really good at it.

- Jeff!
- Oh, hello, my love.

- We need to talk.

- Oh, someone's in the doghouse!
- Oh, oh, yeah, Jeff.

Better watch out, you're gonna--
both: Oh!

- Five times.

I told you five times

to make sure they didn't write
the nametags in cursive.

Nobody can [bleep] read this,
Jeff.

- Oh, gosh,
I'm--I'm so sorry.

I-I thought I remembered
to tell them.

- Baby, the only reason
I'm getting mad

is because
I really love you.

And I want to have
a great wedding.

Do you want to have
a great wedding, Jeff?

- Yes, yes, of course I do.
More than anything.

- Then stop [bleep]
everything up!

Because if there is
one more screw-up,

one more,
the wedding is off.

[spits]

- Wow, I really goofed that up,
huh, guys?

[laughing]

- Sir, the Earth wedding
is about to begin

in viewing room C.

- Ah, yes, uh, "Joff,"
is it?

Let's see how humans go about
their sacred day of love.

- No, no, no, no, no.
What are you doing, huh?

She hates tulips.
She wanted peonies.

We went over this!

- I'm sorry, sir.
They were out.

And, you know, since they're
similar colors, we thought--

- Similar?
Oh, okay.

How about instead of money,
I pay you in scrap paper?

'Cause that's similar too,
you [bleep] idiot!

- Uh, yes, sir.

I'll make sure to
find some peonies.

- Yeah, you do that because
my wife is extremely volatile,

and if this wedding
isn't perfect,

everybody is going to die.
Do you understand that?

Do you [bleep] understand that?

- Believe it or not, sir, you're
being a lot more level-headed

than the last groom
I had to deal with.

- Okay, gotta check
the seating arrangements.

I need to make sure--
- Jeff, we gotta talk.

- Not now, guys.
- Listen to us!

You cannot marry this girl.
- We're your friends.

And we can tell this is
a really sick relationship.

- No, no, no, no.
You--you don't understand, okay?

The reason Linda has been so
upset is actually all my fault.

- Stop saying that!

You gotta break out
of this victim mentality, dude.

- I will, but first I gotta go
double check the playlist

and make sure there's nothing
with any horns in it

because they really
set Linda off.

[chuckles]

[upbeat romantic music]

*

all: * Found my answer

*

* Harmony

- [gasps]
White socks?

You want Linda to have
a meltdown?

- Huh?
- I had a feeling

something like this
would happen.

Here, put these on.

["Wedding March" playing]

*

- [gasps, moans, grunts]

[horn starts playing, stops]

*

- Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to celebrate the beautiful union
of Jeff and Linda.

The bride
has asked to perform

a traditional Gaelic
ribbon ceremony.

The groom will now present
the heirloom ribbons.

- The ribbons?

- You didn't forget the ribbons,
did you, Jeff?

- I dropped them off
at the cleaners to make sure

they'd be perfect for you,

but I've just been
scrambling around

to do so much
that I must have--

- You [bleep] idiot!

[all gasping]

- [chuckles]
Oh, Linda.

Isn't she funny, folks?
She's just joking, yeah.

We have a really edgy
sense of humor.

It's one of the things
that really binds us.

- Do you really expect me
to spend the rest of my life

with the kind of moron who can't
even remember the ribbons?

I don't feel taken care of,
Jeff.

I'm sorry, everybody,

the wedding is off.
- What?

- I can't believe "Joff"
forgot the ribbons.

Well if this is what love
looks like on Earth,

we'd be doing them
a great service

by wiping them off the galaxy.
Fire up the death ray.

- Wait!
Linda, don't you see?

The way you humiliate
and insult me

just proves how deep
your love for me is.

That's one of the classic ways
we humans express our love,

as we all know.

- Wait, let him finish.

- That is so stupid.

No wonder you've had
a minimum wage job

for, like, 15 years.

- You see?
You would never dream

of talking to a stranger
like that.

You would show them
basic human decency and respect.

But since I'm so special
to you,

you take the time to really cut
me down to the core of my being.

And that's a beautiful thing.
And the part that move--

- Okay, okay, okay, shut up.

I'll marry you.
Just stop boring everyone.

- Yes!
- Uh, are you sure?

I mean, this decision
should not be taken lightly.

- Just do it, asshole!

- Very well.

Do you take each other
to be man and wife?

- I do.
- I do.

[all cheering]
- Oh, my Jeffy!

You mark my words.
This love is real.

And this marriage
is gonna last.

- Congratulations, "Joff."
- Nice job, buddy.

- Thanks.
- So moving.

I love weddings.

I guess at the end of the day,

I'm just an old-fashioned
romantic.

- Sir,
I'm sorry to interrupt,

but we have another genocide
scheduled is star cluster X7.

- Oh, goodie.

- Okay, guys, now how do I get
Linda back to normal?

Ted, what happened
with you and Zarga?

- Well, I think I may have
pumped her full

of too much love, Jeff.

I was all she cared
and thought about.

I knew the right thing to do

was suck the love
back out of her and free her,

but I couldn't bring myself
to do it

because she was
my sweet little bird.

Then one day,
I missed a call from her

and she must have taken it
personally or something,

because I came home...

and she was dead!
[sobs]

She was dead, Jeff,
and it was all my fault!

- What the [bleep]?

I can't believe I let you
advise me on anything ever.

- [sobbing]
Here you go, Jeff.

- Whoa, whoa.
You--you can do that?

- Yeah.
- That's crazy.

I-I thought this was just
like an alien video chat thing.

- These are gonna suck all the
love Linda has for you forever.

So there's no going back.
- Oh, God.

Isn't there some other way
to get her to stop loving me?

- You could always try
that wrestling move again.

That'll probably do the trick.
Am I right, guys?

- Sammy.
- Don't leave me hanging.

- Hey there.
Uh...

- Get yourself hard
and wait in the bed.

- Well, Linda,
that sounds really nice,

but, uh, I think
we may have rushed into this.

- What?
No, no, no, no, no.

What the [bleep]
are you talking about?

You can't break up with me.

We just dragged
my grandfather

out of a nursing home
in Minneapolis.

- Linda, we keep trying
all these ways to make us work,

but deep down,
you and I both know

we don't belong together.
I'm sorry.

[majestic music]

- I can't believe
you're a divorcee now.

That sounds so continental.

- You know, I could have gone
after her for half of her stuff,

but I-I took the high road.
- What a gentleman.

- Oh, I just can't stop
thinking about her, guys.

How am I
gonna get through this?

- Hey, why don't we all
just curl up and watch some TV?

- * Now that I'm in love *

* Life is joy and mirth

* Because being alone
is like hell on earth *

* Oh every minute alone
is like a knife in the heart *

* That keeps stabbing for
eternity and only gets worse *

- [sighs]

- * And the only release
is death itself *

- Guys, let's--
let's see what else is on.

- * Oh I'd rather be dead
than alone *

[gong chimes]

- You're not even going
to have a bachelor party?

- We could totally do one
afterwards, man.

My cousin Stacy's a stripper
and she's really good at it.

- Jeff!
- Oh, hello, my love.

- We need to talk.

- Oh, someone's in the doghouse.
- Oh, oh, yeah, Jeff.

Better watch out, you're gonna--
both: Oh!