All language subtitles for movieddl me_Jeff & Some Aliens S01E06 Jeff and Some Confidence 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-Cinefeel_track4_[eng]

- Hey, guys, it's Friday.

Did you remember
to charge my vape?

'Cause we're gonna get fu--
ah!

- Ah! Jeff!
You're home early.

- Whoa, what are you doing
to these poor guys?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'm just rearranging
a few of their memories.

It's--it's for
their mental health.

- [gasping]
- O...kay.

And they know
you're doing this?

- Know about it? They--they
practically begged me to do it.

[beeping]

- It's so weird, Ted.

I've fallen behind
on my payments.

I have no idea how this
could've ha--[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!
Sammy!

Are you wiring money
from my account into--

- No, no, no, no, no. That's not
at all what's happening.

Here, look at this.

Okay, now let's reformat this
a little bit.

[beeping, zapping]

- It's so weird, Ted.

I've fallen behind
on my payments.

I have no idea
how this could've ha--

Oh, my gosh!
Sammy!

You baked pumpkin muffins?

- That's right. Because you guys
are my best friends,

and you deserve
to be spoiled.

both: Aww.

[beeping]
- Hey, uh,

you never used that memory
changing thing on me, have you?

- No.
Why do you--why are you asking?

- Okay, good.
[thud]

Huh?
Birdseed?

What the hell is this
doing here?

- I...

- You know, that's funny.
I've always loved birds.

I mean,
maybe this is a sign.

Maybe I should get one.
What do you think?

- No, no, no, no,
definitely not, okay?

I hate birds, they smell,
they squawk,

and--and once you get one,
you're gonna get attached.

You're not gonna want
to get rid of it.

I-I think it's a bad idea.

- Okay, fine, jeez.

I won't get a bird.
[phone vibrates]

What?
That's weird.

I just got a comment
on a video

I don't even remember posting.

Can you say I love you?
- I love you, Jeff.

[chuckles]
Huh?

[playing bongos]
Ha-ha. Look--look, he's dancing.

[grunting]
[mellow song plays]

[laughing]
Oh, it tickles. It tickles.

I had a pet bird?
And you killed him.

Didn't ya?
Didn't ya?

[zapping]

[beeping, zapping]

So, well, anyways,
like I was saying,

thank you so much for making me
those pumpkin muffins.

They. Were. Delicious!

- * Three aliens
came from the sky *

* The Galactic Council
sent them *

- * And here's the reason why *

- * Their mission is to study

* Earth's most average guy *

- * To see if humans
are worth saving *

* Or if everyone has to die

- Wait--What?

- * Looking back,
all the things I couldn't see *

- That brings back memories.

- * Lookin' back *

- [gasps]
The stove!

- Guys, uh, how much longer
is this slideshow?

Maybe there was
a miscommunication.

I-I thought I was
coming over for dinner,

and I'm actually
really hungry right now.

- We're honoring this house,
Jeff.

Because very soon,

we're gonna have
to say good-bye to her.

- What? Wait, why?
What's happening?

- Greedy corporate fat cats.

- They're buying up
the neighborhood,

but we wouldn't sell.

So they hit us with a bunch
of bogus zoning violations.

- Maybe I can help.
How much are the fines?

- $75,000.

And if we don't pay
this month,

they're kicking us out.
[sobbing]

- Oh, honey.
- Don't worry, guys.

I have a plan.

- I'm sorry, sir.

With your income,
there's absolutely no way

we could give you a loan.

- Okay, let me get this
straight.

I have to already have money
to borrow money?

What kind of sense
does that make?

- Sir, I don't make
the rules.

- Okay, well,
I have a new plan.

- A raise?
[chuckles] Yeah, right.

- Come on, man, you didn't even
really hear me out.

I'm telling you I have
all kinds of cool ideas

that could be
really profitable--

- Ideas, huh?
What kind of ideas?

- Okay, how about this?
The "super smoothie."

- Okay, I'm listening.
What is it?

- I don't...
totally know yet.

All I have is the name
so far,

but it's good, right?

- You weren't, by any chance,
high

when you came up
with this idea, were you?

- I may have been.

- [exhales sharply]
All right, Jeff.

I got a lot of stuff
I gotta do and, uh--

- Savory smoothies.
Uh, that's an idea

that could maybe work.
Maybe not. I don't know.

It's just a thing--
- [sighs] Oh, Jeff.

Don't ya see?

You need so much more
than a raise.

You need to be transformed.
You need to be inspired.

You need to be rebuilt
from scratch.

And I'm gonna take you
to the one man

that can make that happen.
choir: * Ah

- So this is instead
of the raise?

Cool.
Cool.

[lively music]

- Yeah!
All right!

Impossible can what?

all: Suck my balls!

- Thank you! Thank you!

You know how I know
you people are smart?

Because you paid $500
to hear me talk.

[cheers and applause]

I am the world's
greatest public speaker.

Come on!
You believed that, right?

It's because I said it
with confidence.

With confidence, you can bend
the world to your will.

It's how I've dominated
real estate,

stocks, sports,
and women.

I mean, you should have
seen this broad

I was with last night.

Let's just say she was
a-dynomite!

Ga ga ga ga!

- [chuckles]
- Um, what does this have to do

with making smoothies again?
- Shh.

You're not gonna learn anything
if you're always talking.

- The story you tell yourself
of who you are,

that's who you become.

So if you tell yourself
you're a loser

and you get cancer,
well, folks, that's on you.

But if you tell yourself
you're a winner,

like I do a thousand times
a day,

then you just watch
as all the insecure

and pathetic losers
of the world

begin to bow at your feet
like dogs.

[all howling and cheering]

- [barking]

- And I'll take two
of the Zarzonian jackets.

You know the ones
with the little fringes?

Yes, yes, exactly.

- Sammy, I need your help.

Bruce Starr made it
all so clear.

You can't get ahead
in this world

unless you believe
you're a winner.

And if I'm gonna help
my parents,

you gotta break out
that memory changer

and swap out all
my loser memories with--

- Wait, you have
a memory mach--

[zapping]

- Hey, uh, try to keep
your voice down

around these guys, okay?

- Wait, this is safe,
right?

- Don't worry.
You're in good hands, Jeff.

I've become a real artist
with this thing.

[zapping, beeping]

- They said they'd be here.

- Oh, honey,
I'm so sorry.

[beeping]

- * Welcome to Jeff's birthday,
we got fun and games *

- I've got to tell you, Jeff...
- * Pin the tail on the donkey

- This is the best party
I've ever been to.

- Thanks, Hef.
[zapping]

- Gross! Wart cream?
[laughing] What a loser!

[zapping]
Whoa!

An Oscar
for Best Supporting Actor?

That's awesome!

- I mean, really, it should have
been, like, Best Lead.

But, you know...
politics, right?

[zapping]
[grunting]

And you don't have these
in a bigger size?

- You know, there's a plus size
store down the street.

[zapping]
- Oh! So handsome!

Uh, my name
is Jean Carlo Feliti.

I am the top model scout
of all Italy, and--

- Sorry, buddy,
I already have representation,

print and runway.
So buzz off.

[zapping]

[rock music]
[panting]

[zapping]
Thank you, thank you.

I'll make room for this
somewhere.

[zapping]
[grunts]

[bell ringing]
[cheers and applause]

[zapping]

Is this it?
[echoes]

[zapping]
[women cheering]

[zapping]
[grunts]

[gunfire]
[men yelling]

[grunts]

[beeping]
[groans]

- How you feeling, buddy?

- I feel...good.

Holy [bleep], I mean, I know
I've always been handsome,

but today I look like
a [bleep] sex god, baby.

[upbeat music]

- Jeff?
- Oh, yeah, delicious.

[chuckles]
- Jeff!

- Oh, hello, sir.

- It's 7:00 a.m.

The only time you've ever
been here early

was when you forgot
about Daylight Savings.

- Here!
- Whoa!

- Try the best [bleep] thing

you've ever tasted
in your life.

- Um, okay.

Mmm, what is that?
It's beefy.

- Shepherd's pie.
And in the back,

I got dry-aged baby back ribs
roasting, baby.

- Whoa!
Guess what, Jeff.

You just earned that raise.

- Pfft. A raise.
[scoffs] Don't insult me.

If you got half a brain
in that bald skull of yours,

you're gonna make me
a partner

and watch as I turn
this little [bleep]stain company

into the Coca-Cola
of blended meat drinks.

[birds tweeting]

- I don't understand.
I should be making

more than enough to cover
these bills. What's happening?

- Somehow I got
a weird bruise on my head.

- What the hell
is happening here?

- You know, there's no easy way
to say this,

but sounds like you guys
might have a drinking problem.

- A few things have changed
since my last application.

First of all, I didn't even tell
ya about my number one asset,

which is my personal brand

worth hundreds of thousands
of dollars.

Also, I'm now a partner
in a major beverage company.

And finally,
I can bench 300 pounds.

Somewhat unrelated,

but I figured
it was worth mentioning.

- Wow. Well, that certainly
does change things.

I'm sure we can make
something work.

Is there anything else
I can help you with today, sir?

[fingers tapping]

- Yeah.
- [moaning]

- You like that three-inch
monster, baby? Whoo!

[both sobbing]

- Boom!
both: Huh?

- Your worries are over.

- Oh, my goodness!
- [gasps, chuckles]

- This is a miracle.

- [chuckles]
Oh, Mom.

You love to repeat yourself,
don't ya?

That's exactly what you said

when I beat the land speed
record in 1997, remember?

- I don't know
what you're talking about,

but this is amazing.

- Come here and get a hug
from a world-class hugger.

- Oh.
- Oh, come here. Oh, honey.

[rumbling]
- Huh?

- Hey, I don't know what
you guys think you're doing,

'cause our wonderful,
precious son

just got us all the money
we need to keep our house.

So scram!
- He did the impossible.

- Impossible can suck my balls.

- Bruce Starr!
- Oh, congratulations.

You know a famous person's name.
Good for you.

Well, look, you can keep
your little poor person house.

I just hope
you're strong swimmers,

'cause in a few months,
this whole place is gonna be

under 30 feet of salt water

when we build
our luxury yacht marina.

- What?
- Huh?

- Look, I'm just trying to put
rich people first for once.

- Listen, pal, you may be
pretty good at business,

but if there's one thing
I learned in the Marines,

it was never to back down
from a challenge.

So why don't you
just name your price,

and I'll buy this whole
rinky-dink development

off of you right now.

- How about, uh,
$45 million.

- Oh, [bleep].

I was really hoping
you were gonna say

something under 75,000.

All right, confidence will
only take me so far.

I'm gonna have to become
an insane, ruthless maniac

if I wanna be the kind of person
who can make $45 million,

so I just had an idea.

What if we used that memory
changer of yours on me?

- Yeah, I think I could
work something like that out.

- Wait, you have a memory mach--
[zapping]

[crickets chirping]

- Okay, here are all
the key traits I'm gonna need.

- Number one: A deep,
unquenchable pain

in your soul since childhood?

Really?
That's what you want?

- Elon Musk, bullied so hard
he had to be hospitalized.

Steve Jobs, tossed aside like a
dishrag the minute he was born.

That's the kind of psychological
pain I need.

- Okay, buddy.
This could get dangerous.

So put this on.

I preloaded it
with all your original memories.

I'm gonna monitor
your bank account,

and as soon as you make
$45 million,

I'll push this button,
and no matter where you are,

it'll change you back
to your regular loser self.

- Loser self? What the hell
are you talking about?

- You know what?
Don't worry about it.

[zapping]

- I really lucked out
when I got the coolest

little sister in the world.

- [screaming]
- Oh, no, no, no! No! Help!

- I can save her,
but I'll need $45 million.

- But--but I don't have--
- Oh!

Too late, she's dead.

- No!

- Number two:
Only associate with people

who can help your career.
[beeping]

- You guys wanna play
hide-and-seek?

- How about we play "all you
losers get out of my house"?

Steve, your dad's a janitor.
You're of no use to me.

Billy, you're not that bright.
You're not goin' nowhere.

- Huh?
- You can stay, Jeb.

Your mom works at Merrill Lynch,
right?

[zapping]

- Number three:
Be from a crappy place

and have to work your way out.
[chuckles]

Well, this is already
a pretty [bleep] town,

but yeah,
we could do worse.

[zapping]

- And for today's forecast
for South Jersey,

looking rainy all week long.

- Aw, nuts. I wanted to go
play stickball, and--

- Hey, shut your [bleep] mouth,
you little malook.

I'm trying to watch
the news here!

- I can't wait to blow
this joint

and go to the big city.

- You're never going nowhere
'cause you're a loser

just like your mother.

And the only way
you'll prove me wrong

is if you make $45 million.
- [sobbing]

[zapping]

[ominous musical sting]

- Good hustle.
Way to clutch up.

Hey, Joey! Joey, give me
some more lamb shanks over here.

- Here, put this on.
- What?

- Can't work with a guy who
dresses like a fenuk every day.

Know what I'm sayin'?
- Jeff?

- I want you to meet

my new best friends/incredibly
wealthy investors.

This is Sheik Abdul Hajj
Muhammad and Steve Winslow.

- Hi there.
- Met 'em this morning

at the squash club.
- Uh, hello.

- You ready to get
disgustingly rich?

[cheering]

[whirring]

[energetic music]

- The new savory
smoothie craze

started right here
at the Great Mall.

Mr. Mahoney, how did
this idea come to you?

- You know,
when I was a kid,

my alarm clock was a belt
across the jaw,

and I knew if I wanted
to be great,

I was gonna need to think
outside of the box.

Speakin' of box,

what are you doin' later,
sweetie?

- Oh. [chuckles]

- Yeah, you're welcome.
- [moaning]

- You're welcome.

[cheering]

[cha-ching]

[cheering]

[cha-ching]

[upbeat music]

[soft music]

- Here's to 50 million
smoothies sold.

Hey, can we get
some muzzarel' sticks ovah here?

Huh?
You tryin' ta starve us?

- I gotta tell you,
paying for you to go

to that seminar was
the best decision I ever made.

You've made me
a very rich man.

- Oh, yeah, about that...

I was just lookin' over
our contract and, uh,

you know what?
I forgot my reading glasses.

Can you do me a solid
and read clause 29C for me?

- Oh, okay.

"This venture between
Jeff Mahoney and Nick Orbach

is a 50/50 partnership."

Yep, looks good to me.
- Keep readin'.

- "Except for the fact that
Nick Orbach is a dirty pigdog,

"thus he is entitled
to nothing but the slop

that pigdogs eat
and so thoroughly enjoy..."

What is this? Are you trying
to steal all my shares?

You wouldn't do that.

- Eat up, you [bleep] pigdog.

Waiter!
The [bleep] mozz sticks!

[cha-ching]

- Whoa!
That was a nice little bump.

Okay.
Now to turn him back.

- A memory changer, huh?
- Oh!

- Well, this certainly
explains a lot!

- That's where all my money's
been going.

Into your stupid jackets.
- Get away from my jackets!

I need that memory changer

so I can turn Jeff
back into himself.

There's no telling
what he could do--ahh!

[zapping]

- I just can't believe
this is the same guy

who baked us pumpkin muffins
all the time.

[calm music]

*

[door opens]
- Whoa!

- Here's $45 million.

I'd like to buy
one yacht marina please.

- [laughs] Whoa-ho-ho.
Impressive stuff, my friend.

Feels almost like I'm looking
into a success mirror right now.

- All right,
let's wrap this up.

I gotta go save my ma,
God bless her heart.

- [sighs] I just don't get
why you're helping

those loser parents of yours.

I heard they used to beat you
like a dog.

- Yeah, so?
That's what parenting is.

- Here's the thing, Jeff.

Your parents can't help you
make more money.

They're--they're dead ends.
They're leeches.

But--but me?
I can help you get rich

beyond your wildest dreams.
We could make billions.

- Oh, [bleep].
You and me together?

That would be like if Bon Jovi
and The Boss

formed some kind of super group
or something.

Know what I'm sayin'?

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.

We could get all
the money

and put huge golden walls
around our mansions.

And all the people
would be out there with nothing.

Like worms.

- You, my friend,
just gave me a hard-on.

- Oh, I wish this moment
could last forever, Sammy.

- Oh, Zarlene, you're the
sunlight in my heart.

You know that?
[zapping]

- You're the sunlight
in my heart too! [groans]

- [screaming]
- This is what you get

when you [bleep]
with your friends, Sammy.

[groans]
- Ahh! Stop it!

I wasn't stealing!

I was just taking your money
because I deserve it.

Don't you see? [groaning]
- He's still an [bleep].

- I guess we'll have to go
deeper.

- Stanley, I'm worried.

What if they blow the dam
with us still here?

- As long as we stay right here,
we're safe.

I mean, what are they gonna do?
Kill us?

[upbeat music]
- Uh, just making sure--

we're legally covered
if we kill them, right?

- Absolutely, sir.
We put up very clear signage.

- Hey, Jeff,
whaddaya think?

- I think those pigdogs
have been standing on all fours

in the way of my success
for way too long.

I say we flush 'em out.
You can do the honors.

I'd like to enjoy myself
while I'm on this [bleep] yacht.

Hey, Stacy, whaddaya say
we go downstairs

and you beat me with this
while I jerk off in the corner?

- Son? [wheezing]
Come closer.

[coughing]
Make me one promise.

- Anything, Dad.

- You'll always be good
to Jimmy and Ted.

- Who?

- You'll know what I'm talking
about one day.

Oh, and you'll bake pumpkin
muffins whenever they ask.

And you'll never mess
with the memory changer.

Promise me!
[zapping]

- Oh, and tell him he should
always give us foot massages.

- No, come on, that's too much.
- What?

What are you talking about?
No, it's not.

- Hey, hey, stop it! Stop!
- Give me that! Gimme!

Give me!
[zapping]

- Harder, harder!
Tell me I'm scum.

[zapping]

Ahh! Ahh! No!

Stop it! What the hell's
the matter with you?

- All right, Dennis, we'll
blow up the dam on my command.

- No, no, stop!
Guys, guys, come on.

What are we doing here?

We're gonna destroy homes
and kill people?

And for what?

We're building a yacht marina
50 miles inland.

There's gotta be a way
we can make money

without screwing people over,
right?

- What?
That doesn't make any sense.

[soft music]

- Yes, it [bleep] does.

- Whoa! O--okay.
I--I'm listening.

- From now on, you should let me
lead this company.

Because there is a way
to make lots of money

without exploiting people,

without destroying the planet,

and that's how
we're gonna run our company.

- Smuthie-Starr Industries
nosedived

into bankruptcy this morning.

It was one of the fastest
failures...

- All right, well...
- In American business history.

- Turns out business
isn't really my thing.

- Well, honey, to me,
a chicken dinner with you guys

is worth a lot more
than however many

thousands of dollars
you lost.

- It was 45 million, but let's
not dwell on the past here.

Let's celebrate the fact
that we got your house back.

- Cheers!
To our home.

[dogs barking]

[distant alarm blares]

- What an insane week.

I am so exhausted, and I--oh!

- May I draw you
a warm bath, sir?

And wash your linens?
- What the--

- What's the matter, Jeff?
You don't remember Sammy?

Our loyal and subservient
friend?

- Don't [bleep] this up, Jeff.
- Uh...

- Try one
of his pumpkin muffins.

They are to die for.

Well, actually,
these aren't warm anymore.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'll bake another batch at once.

Nothing brings me more joy
than serving my friends.

- Pretty cool
what you can do

with a memory changer,
huh, Jeff?

- You guys have
a memory changer?

- Jeff? You got a lot of nerve
showing your--

[zapping]

[beeping]

That was the best speech
I ever heard in my life.

I'd be happy
to give you a raise.

- Oh, thank you so much,
sir.

This thing is the best.
[phone vibrating]

Hello?
- Hi, this is Ashley.

- Uh...

- I was your loan officer.

We really need to talk.

- Loan officer?
[chuckles]

Uh, sorry, I think you might
have the wrong number.

Okay?
Good luck.

- Cut!

- Thank you. I'll make room
for this somewhere.

[zapping]
[grunts]

[bell ringing]
[zapping]

Is this it? [echoes]
[zapping]

[women cheering]
[zapping]

[grunts]
[gunfire]