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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,033 --> 00:00:10,433 [soft piano music playing] 2 00:00:10,467 --> 00:00:12,433 - I saw on Facebook that Tom O'Malley 3 00:00:12,467 --> 00:00:15,533 just gave his parents a second grandchild. 4 00:00:15,567 --> 00:00:18,467 And he's five years younger than Jeff. 5 00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:19,967 - Well, I guess at this rate by the time 6 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,667 Jeffrey gives us grandchildren, 7 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,967 I won't be teaching them how to play baseball. 8 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,633 I'll be teaching them how to pee into a catheter. 9 00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:28,267 - You know what his problem is? 10 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,800 He's too immature. 11 00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:32,500 He never takes anything seriously. 12 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,367 - Guys, I have something important 13 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,467 to add to this conversation and I want you to hear me out. 14 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,833 [farts] Oh! 15 00:00:38,867 --> 00:00:40,600 - [laughs] - What is the matter with you? 16 00:00:40,633 --> 00:00:42,500 Stop laughing, Stanley! 17 00:00:42,533 --> 00:00:45,433 Oh, my Lord! Open the window! 18 00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:46,900 - [laughing] - No, no, no, no, no. 19 00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:49,467 Rolling down the window is bad for gas mileage. 20 00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:51,267 I mean, don't you guys care about your carbon footprint? 21 00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:52,700 - [laughing] Ah, Jeff, stop! Stop, my eyes are burning. 22 00:00:52,733 --> 00:00:53,900 [both laughing] 23 00:00:53,933 --> 00:00:55,400 [truck horn blares] [all scream] 24 00:00:55,433 --> 00:00:56,933 [screaming] [crashing] 25 00:01:02,367 --> 00:01:04,567 - [crying] Are you okay, Daddy? 26 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,800 - My legs! 27 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,467 I can't feel my legs! 28 00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:11,400 - * Three aliens came from the sky * 29 00:01:11,433 --> 00:01:12,633 * The Galactic Council sent them * 30 00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:14,067 - * And here's the reason why 31 00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:15,733 - * Their mission is to study 32 00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:18,833 * Earth's most average guy 33 00:01:18,867 --> 00:01:20,367 - * To see if humans are worth saving * 34 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,500 * Or if everyone has to die 35 00:01:23,533 --> 00:01:25,667 - Wait--What? 36 00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:27,700 [birds chirping] 37 00:01:29,633 --> 00:01:30,833 - Whoo! 38 00:01:30,867 --> 00:01:32,967 Tough day at the office. Ha ha. 39 00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:34,533 - Oh, [bleep] you. 40 00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:36,300 - Oh, my God, I just got to interview 41 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:38,333 the host of "Dancing on the Stars With the Stars"! 42 00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:39,767 [screams] - Blocked. 43 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,567 - This is the best job ever. 44 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,733 I just review orgies all day. 45 00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:46,333 - Ugh, I am so tired of people bragging about 46 00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,067 their stupid, fancy jobs. 47 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,067 Let's see, what can we post about our jobs 48 00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:52,400 to make us look really cool? [beeps] 49 00:01:52,433 --> 00:01:54,367 Hey, Ted, what's going on over here? 50 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,767 What kind of cool, cutting-edge research are we cookin' up? 51 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,067 - I'm studying Earth's tax system. 52 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:00,900 Did you know that capital gains 53 00:02:00,933 --> 00:02:02,467 are actually taxed lower... 54 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:03,700 - Okay, okay, shut up, shut up, shut up. 55 00:02:03,733 --> 00:02:05,533 Jimmy, how 'bout you, buddy? 56 00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:06,767 Do you have anything cool to show me? 57 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,100 - I certainly do. 58 00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,867 I'm wearing a bow tie. 59 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,900 I'm gonna be the bow-tie guy from now on. 60 00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:13,633 - [sighs] There he is! 61 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,800 Just in time! 62 00:02:14,833 --> 00:02:16,700 Jeff, what kind of fun shenanigans 63 00:02:16,733 --> 00:02:20,500 did you get up to on this crazy planet we call Earth? 64 00:02:20,533 --> 00:02:23,567 - [crying] We were in a-- a serious car accident. 65 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,533 My father's spine was broken in three places. 66 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,833 - Oh. - I am so sorry, buddy. 67 00:02:30,867 --> 00:02:33,500 - There's nothing that the doctors can do. 68 00:02:33,533 --> 00:02:36,133 [sobbing] 69 00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:38,067 - Well, you know what they say, 70 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:40,967 laughter is the best medicine. 71 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,367 - [grunts] - [yelps] 72 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,100 - I am so sick of you stupid aliens 73 00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:45,667 and your insensitivity! - Jeff, Jeff, Jeff! 74 00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:47,567 Jeff, Jeff, it's true. - And your... 75 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,800 - What he means is 76 00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:52,100 you can heal anyone with a Laughter Disc. 77 00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:55,100 [upbeat lounge music] 78 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,067 * 79 00:02:57,067 --> 00:03:00,433 - If you're like me, then you love to laugh. 80 00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:02,167 [laughs] 81 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,933 Ah. That was enjoyable. 82 00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,800 But did you know that laughter is also 83 00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:09,667 the most healing force in the entire universe? 84 00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:12,200 Of course, the most destructive force in the universe 85 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:13,733 is my ex-wife! 86 00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:15,800 [laughter] 87 00:03:15,833 --> 00:03:16,900 [shimmering tone] 88 00:03:16,933 --> 00:03:18,600 - Ah, look at me. 89 00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,867 I'm dancing! I'm dancing! 90 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,467 - Wow, this is amazing. 91 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:23,767 All I got to do is just make people laugh? 92 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,533 I mean, this'll be a cinch. 93 00:03:25,567 --> 00:03:27,967 Okay, so, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes. 94 00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:29,200 - No, no, no, Jeff, Jeff, you should 95 00:03:29,233 --> 00:03:30,967 really watch the whole video first. 96 00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:33,900 - Come with me now as I sift through all words 97 00:03:33,933 --> 00:03:36,467 and rank them in terms of comedic value. 98 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:39,800 "Aardvark." Not funny. 99 00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:41,633 "Abacus." Mildly funny. 100 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,100 - Guys, my dad is in critical condition. 101 00:03:43,133 --> 00:03:44,933 Okay, I don't have time for this crap, all right? 102 00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:46,700 Let's just turn the thing on-- - No, no, no, no, no! 103 00:03:46,733 --> 00:03:49,200 - [screams] Make it stop! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 104 00:03:49,233 --> 00:03:50,800 - Ow, ow, ooh. - Holy [bleep], Jeff. 105 00:03:50,833 --> 00:03:52,900 You were supposed to be heavily drugged for that. 106 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:56,533 - You really should watch the whole video. 107 00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:59,167 - Okay, well, at least the worst is over, 108 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,067 okay, let's--let's get crackin' here. 109 00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,267 Let's see, uh. 110 00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,833 Oh, [chuckles] okay. I got one, I got one, 111 00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:04,967 all right. How 'bout this. 112 00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:07,167 You guys know who Bill Clinton is? 113 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,733 - Who? 114 00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:10,067 - Come on, he's Hillary Clinton's husband. 115 00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:11,933 He was president in the '90s. 116 00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:13,833 No? Nothing? 117 00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:16,767 Okay, well, you need to know that he played saxophone. 118 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,600 And that was Kenneth Starr. 119 00:04:19,633 --> 00:04:20,833 Oh, oh, and then 120 00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:23,700 Monica turns to Kenneth Starr 121 00:04:23,733 --> 00:04:26,633 and says, "I didn't inhale either." 122 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,733 [laughs] 123 00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:29,833 - O...kay. 124 00:04:29,867 --> 00:04:31,133 - Just so you know, 125 00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:33,067 laughing at your own jokes doesn't count. 126 00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,167 - Oh, it's not my joke. 127 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,100 I could never write something that funny. 128 00:04:37,133 --> 00:04:38,767 [both gasp] 129 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,167 - You can't steal other people's jokes. 130 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,700 That's the lowest thing a comedy healer can do. 131 00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:45,067 - Stolen laughs are incredibly toxic. 132 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:47,533 - So I've got to come up with my own jokes? 133 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:48,900 - Don't worry, Jeff. 134 00:04:48,933 --> 00:04:50,800 Making people laugh is the most joyous, 135 00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,733 easiest thing in the entire universe! 136 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,567 - Okay, just gotta bring the funny. 137 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:57,567 - Jeff! - Huh? 138 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,833 - Where is rent, huh? 139 00:04:58,867 --> 00:05:00,333 You're three weeks late now! 140 00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,067 - Uh-oh, three weeks late? 141 00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:04,233 I hope my apartment's not pregnant. 142 00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:05,633 [laughs] Get it? 143 00:05:05,667 --> 00:05:08,067 [chuckling] My apartment's a woman. 144 00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,767 And the rent is her p-- 145 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,067 [gagging] - You think it's a [bleep] game? 146 00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:15,067 - No, I'm sorry. I--I'll get you the money. 147 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,667 - [grunts] Hey, Larry, 148 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:17,933 will you give me a hand with this one? 149 00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:18,933 - Hey! 150 00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:20,800 Quit talking trash, you two. 151 00:05:20,833 --> 00:05:22,767 [chuckles] 152 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,667 PU, what's that smell? The garbage 153 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,233 or the stink-eye you guys are giving me? 154 00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:30,067 [chuckles] 155 00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:32,133 I'm sorry, uh, have a nice day. 156 00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,567 - I got a question for everybody out here. 157 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,133 How many of y'all like eating [bleep]? 158 00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:39,967 [laughter] And I ain't talking about no 159 00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:42,800 "Mmm, I'm eating sunflower seeds." 160 00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:44,200 Nah, I'm talking about 161 00:05:44,233 --> 00:05:46,200 put some more gravy on that mother[bleep] 162 00:05:46,233 --> 00:05:48,833 'cause I'm 'bout to eat Thanksgiving dinner! 163 00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:52,700 [laughter] 164 00:05:52,733 --> 00:05:54,167 - Excuse me. Hi. 165 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,800 Uh, I've been waiting here for over an hour. 166 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,567 Uh, how much longer until it's my turn? 167 00:05:58,600 --> 00:05:59,867 - This guy, I know... 168 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,367 - 'Bout an hour before you're up, 169 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,200 but it takes decades to call yourself a comic. 170 00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:05,200 - What? [phone rings] 171 00:06:05,233 --> 00:06:06,200 Hello? 172 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,367 - Jeff, where have you been? 173 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,633 We could really use your help here. 174 00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:11,067 Dad is not doing well. 175 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,067 - Sorry, I--I've just been extremely busy. 176 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:15,767 - You ever eaten two [bleep] at the same time? 177 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,700 I call it the Mickey D's number four. 178 00:06:17,733 --> 00:06:18,967 [laughter] - Where are you? 179 00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,733 You know what? I hope you're having fun. 180 00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,100 You should know that the doctor said 181 00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:23,800 Dad has internal bleeding. 182 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:25,633 He might not live more than two weeks. 183 00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:27,333 - What-what-no-no-wait-wait-- [line disconnects] 184 00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,067 - I know this guy knows what I'm talking about. 185 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,867 Look at that face-- - Hey, hey. 186 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,067 - Wait, what are you doing? - Sorry, I just really gotta-- 187 00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:34,133 Hey, so, uh. 188 00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:37,400 I work at a smoothie place and I often wonder, 189 00:06:37,433 --> 00:06:38,867 "Why do they call them smoothies?" 190 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,733 You know? They're not that smooth. 191 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,733 Maybe they should start calling them 192 00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:44,233 "roughies." 193 00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:45,633 Huh? [chuckles] 194 00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:47,067 - [coughs] 195 00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,067 - Oh, come on! You guys laugh at butthole guy 196 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:52,067 but you can't give me one chuckle? 197 00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:54,400 [crying] My dad is dying, please! 198 00:06:54,433 --> 00:06:56,700 Why aren't you laughing? 199 00:06:56,733 --> 00:06:59,700 - Come on, come on, give me a little more. 200 00:06:59,733 --> 00:07:01,900 Whoo! Just another Tuesday, 201 00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:03,867 training a smoking hottie. 202 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:06,167 Man, I love being a personal trainer. 203 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,767 - Hey, big stud, 204 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,867 put your camera away so you can focus on me. 205 00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:13,233 She stares at Sammy's rippling muscles, as lust-- 206 00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,100 - What? Cut, cut, cut! 207 00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:17,467 You don't read the stage directions, you moron. 208 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:19,800 All right, we're filming for real this time. 209 00:07:19,833 --> 00:07:21,100 No more screw ups. 210 00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:22,833 [beeps] 211 00:07:22,867 --> 00:07:24,267 You know what's crazy about this job? 212 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:25,333 I mean, you're a smoking hot-- [door opens] 213 00:07:25,367 --> 00:07:26,933 oh! - Oh! 214 00:07:26,967 --> 00:07:28,733 [gagging] 215 00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:31,067 Oh, oh! - Jeff, are you okay? 216 00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:33,200 - Damn it, you guys get away from me! 217 00:07:33,233 --> 00:07:35,967 Today has been a nightmare. 218 00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,867 I couldn't even get a courtesy laugh. 219 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,333 Every single person out there 220 00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:41,367 is just a uptight asshole! 221 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,467 - Sounds like you're not respecting your audience, Jeff. 222 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,367 - [sobbing] My dad's gonna die. 223 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,167 It's all because I'm the least funny, 224 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,467 stupidest, loseriest guy in the world. 225 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,067 - Guys! 226 00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:53,767 [uplifting piano music] - [gagging] 227 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,267 - They love you, Jeff. 228 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,767 - They do? 229 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:03,867 * 230 00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,167 Okay, let see and-- Okay, I got it. 231 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,867 - all right, Jeff, this will give you access 232 00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:18,867 to the entire Azurian viewing public. 233 00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:21,333 Every time you get a laugh, this thing will absorb it 234 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:22,933 and shoot it into your laughter disk-- 235 00:08:22,967 --> 00:08:24,400 - Sweet. [screaming] Oh, my God! 236 00:08:24,433 --> 00:08:26,467 - Whoa! Oh, no! - Jeff, I wasn't finished yet! 237 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,233 - It wasn't even sterilized. 238 00:08:28,267 --> 00:08:30,133 - All right, Jeff, you ready to get out there 239 00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:31,867 and make me a hit producer? 240 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,500 - You mean heal my father? 241 00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:35,400 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That part too. 242 00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,100 That goes without saying. 243 00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,333 - And Candy Cane leads from the inside. 244 00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:41,133 Summer Sunday two leagues ahead of her 245 00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:43,300 and--Oh, my God! There's a man on the racetrack! 246 00:08:43,333 --> 00:08:45,867 - Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God! - Oh, oh, dear. 247 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,133 - Aah! Ohh! Oh, my God! 248 00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:50,900 - Weird. doesn't seem to be getting any traction at all! 249 00:08:50,933 --> 00:08:52,533 - What do you think the problem is? 250 00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:54,233 - I don't know. It just--maybe it's because 251 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,200 it doesn't have the spontaneity the other one had. 252 00:08:56,233 --> 00:08:59,167 - Yeah, I mean, who has a picnic on a racetrack? 253 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,200 Alone? It doesn't really make sense 254 00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:02,933 when you actually think about it. 255 00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:05,400 - Well, maybe next time we'll think things through 256 00:09:05,433 --> 00:09:06,667 a little more-- - Look, Jeff, here's the thing. 257 00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,367 The weights falling on your throat video 258 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:09,667 was incredible. Okay? 259 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:11,167 No one--no one's gonna deny that. 260 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,467 But it was an accident. 261 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,167 I mean, maybe you're not a pranks guy. 262 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,067 Ooh! You know what I'm thinking for you? 263 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:19,267 I'm thinkin' you could be the Earth version of Zorby! 264 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,067 - Who's Zorby? 265 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:25,333 - Only the biggest comedy genius the universe has ever known! 266 00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:27,333 [spring boinging] 267 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,300 - Ooh! Right in my stinkhole! 268 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:32,367 [laughter] 269 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,067 - You know you guys promote yourself 270 00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:36,067 as an advanced species, right? 271 00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:37,933 - Honey, I told you! 272 00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:39,900 No back flipping in the house. 273 00:09:39,933 --> 00:09:41,567 - How 'bout I front flip you then? 274 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,633 Badabadabada! [laughter] 275 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,667 - Oh, man, he really holds a mirror up to society. 276 00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:48,567 - Seriously, what the hell is this? 277 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,167 - It's brilliant is what it is! 278 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,100 It's relentless, it's in your face, 279 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,100 and it's all centered around a family unit 280 00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:55,600 so everybody can relate to it. 281 00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:57,367 You tap into that, my friend, 282 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,333 and your dad is as good as healed. 283 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,067 [monitors beeping] 284 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,933 - [crying] - Daddy, we love you... 285 00:10:04,967 --> 00:10:07,267 and we're gonna get through this, okay? 286 00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,267 Because we're family and... 287 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,167 family always sticks to-- 288 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,233 - H-Hey! Sorry I'm late, 289 00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:16,333 I was busy shaving my balls. 290 00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:18,533 [laughter] 291 00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:19,933 [charges] 292 00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:22,233 - Yes! You hear that, baby? 293 00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:24,967 That's the sound of a star being born! 294 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,300 - But seriously, how's Dad? 295 00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:27,367 Is he okay? I'm so sorry. 296 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,633 - Never apologize! 297 00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,467 You gotta own your bits, Jeff! 298 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,233 - Of course he's not okay, you idiot! 299 00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:34,400 What are you thinking? - Ooh, what do we have here? 300 00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:36,400 A new flavor of Capri Sun? 301 00:10:36,433 --> 00:10:39,000 That's good 'cause I'm thirsty. 302 00:10:39,033 --> 00:10:42,333 [laughter] 303 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:43,633 [charges] 304 00:10:43,667 --> 00:10:45,067 - How dare you! 305 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,033 This whole situation is your fault 306 00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:48,100 and you're acting like-- - You think I don't live 307 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:49,633 with that guilt every minute? 308 00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,533 I'd trade places with him right now if I could. 309 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,000 But first, how about I take a little sip 310 00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:57,000 of this delicious chocolate milkshake? 311 00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,000 Mmm. [laughter] 312 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,333 [all scream] 313 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,667 - Get out! - I'm only doing this 314 00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,100 because I love him! I'm trying to help! 315 00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:04,400 [door slams] 316 00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:06,167 - Okay, Jeff, looks like that bit in there 317 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,600 may've overstayed it's welcome a little bit. 318 00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:09,533 - I can't do this anymore, okay? 319 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,533 Look! It-it's about halfway full, 320 00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,633 I mean, that--that should be enough to help, right? 321 00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,233 - What? No, no, no. 322 00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,133 the laughter disc has to be filled to 100%, 323 00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,067 or it doesn't work at all. Everybody knows that. 324 00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,500 - Tell him he would've known that if he'd watched the video. 325 00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:24,433 - Will you tell that guy to shut up about the damn video? 326 00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:26,167 - Huh, according to these stats, 327 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,367 people only watch for six-second increments. 328 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,467 Wait a second. I think we may have just 329 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:32,333 cracked the perfect form of comedy here! 330 00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:35,967 Six-second bursts of random, idiotic behavior. 331 00:11:37,433 --> 00:11:39,067 - That feeling you get when you find 332 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,233 the perfect parking spot. 333 00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:44,167 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [laughter] 334 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,533 - [laughing] [charges] 335 00:11:46,567 --> 00:11:48,533 - That feeling when you gotta write a long text, 336 00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:52,133 but you only got 1% battery left on your phone. 337 00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,133 Quick. Quick. Get all the letters out 338 00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:56,600 or we'll never get laid again! [charges] 339 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,267 That feeling when your toast gets too toasted. 340 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:01,767 [dramatic music] No! 341 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,300 - [laughs] 342 00:12:04,333 --> 00:12:07,133 We've all seen Jeff, the galaxy's most outrageous 343 00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:09,167 new comedy star, but now, we talk to Sammy... 344 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,400 - Hey-oh! - The man behind the man. 345 00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:13,567 So, what inspired you to give this human a platform? 346 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,633 - [slurps] Well, I think Azurians 347 00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,667 are sick and tired of turning on their screens 348 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,700 and seeing the same old faces all the time. 349 00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:22,567 Jeff is something an audience has never seen before. 350 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,100 He's a straight, white, human, male. 351 00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:27,533 - That's so bold and exciting. 352 00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:29,300 Well, that's all the show we got! 353 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,367 Thank you so much, good night! 354 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,700 [cheers and applause] 355 00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:34,767 Hey, we're having a little soirée 356 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,200 up at my place tonight. 357 00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,500 Nothing fancy just a massive orgy 358 00:12:38,533 --> 00:12:40,633 with a bunch of A-listers. You in? 359 00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:44,267 - You have no idea how much this means to me. 360 00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,500 [monitors beeping] 361 00:12:45,533 --> 00:12:47,600 - Well, usually, I like to tell people 362 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,300 to hold out hope, 363 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,767 but in this case... 364 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,800 the contents of a man's colostomy bag 365 00:12:52,833 --> 00:12:54,633 has entered his bloodstream. 366 00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:58,400 I'm afraid he'll have no more than 48 hours left. 367 00:12:58,433 --> 00:13:01,200 - [gasps] - Oh, God! Oh, God! 368 00:13:01,233 --> 00:13:03,400 [crying] Oh, no. Oh, God. 369 00:13:03,433 --> 00:13:05,433 - Hello, Jeff? I just want you to know 370 00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,500 that Dad's got 48 hours left to live 371 00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:09,200 and it's all your fault! 372 00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:10,700 - Oh, my God! 373 00:13:10,733 --> 00:13:12,267 Oops! My bad. - Aah! 374 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,700 [laughter] [charges] 375 00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:16,300 [dogs barking] [grunting] 376 00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,533 [laughter] [charges] 377 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:20,867 - Hey, Evgeny, the bank was out of hundreds. 378 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:24,267 Mind if I pay my rent in tenners? 379 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:26,800 - Well, okay. - Hit it, boys. 380 00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:30,700 [singing in Italian] [charges] 381 00:13:30,733 --> 00:13:32,533 - Ummm. I think I'm gonna give this one 382 00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:34,433 somewhere between a 7 or an 8? We'll see how-- 383 00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:35,767 [triangle dings] - All right, everyone. 384 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,333 20 minutes until the orgy begins. 385 00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:40,533 - Sounds like it's gonna be the longest 20 minutes 386 00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:43,100 of my life. Am I right ladies? 387 00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,800 - [groans] Yeah. Anyways... 388 00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:47,567 I started watching that Jeff the human feed yesterday. 389 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:48,700 - Oh, yeah, I saw that. 390 00:13:48,733 --> 00:13:49,867 - Oh, my God, 391 00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,733 it was just such lowbrow garbage. 392 00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:54,800 - Yeah, it's obviously just made for stoned teenage morons. 393 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,300 - I think entertainment 394 00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:58,767 has a responsibility to plumb the depths 395 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,533 of our souls. - So true. 396 00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:02,700 Oh, my God! Did you see the premiere of 397 00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:04,467 "Dancing With The Stars On The Stars"? 398 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:06,167 - Oh, my God, yes, I'm, like, obsessed with that show. 399 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,200 It's so cool that they're-- - Oh, my God! 400 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,900 - [laughs] Guys... 401 00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,200 my dad is as good as healed! 402 00:14:12,233 --> 00:14:14,367 I had no idea comedy could be so easy. 403 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,600 I just think of the dumbest thing I can, 404 00:14:16,633 --> 00:14:18,567 and then I just don't second guess myself. 405 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:19,667 - What do you mean? What kinds of stu-- 406 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:20,900 Aah! - [grunting] 407 00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:22,900 [laughter] 408 00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:24,633 - Oh, what a night! 409 00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:25,800 Jeff, put those sausages down! 410 00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:27,267 I realized something last night. 411 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,800 Nobody respects comedy. 412 00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:31,367 That's why I'm taking you to the next level 413 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,200 with a spot on "Dancing With The Stars On The Stars." 414 00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:36,933 No big deal, just the biggest show 415 00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:38,633 in the galaxy! - I'm not interested 416 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,400 in being famous, okay? 417 00:14:40,433 --> 00:14:43,500 I am what you would call a "pure performer." 418 00:14:43,533 --> 00:14:45,733 I'm only in this for the healing laughs! 419 00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:48,767 [grunting] [laughter] 420 00:14:50,433 --> 00:14:52,167 - I just love that it's so smart 421 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,533 and dumb at the same time. 422 00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:55,533 - [laughs] What's the dumb part? 423 00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:56,833 [charges] 424 00:14:56,867 --> 00:14:58,600 - Oh, yeah! So close! 425 00:14:58,633 --> 00:15:00,367 All right, all right. What we got? What we got? 426 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,400 Oh, hey, What the hell are these tiny little things? 427 00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:05,800 I've had dingleberries longer than these. 428 00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:07,433 Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! 429 00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:09,667 - [gasps] - What'd he say? 430 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,233 - Little dingleberries. Huh? [all gasping] 431 00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:13,933 Not big enough? [laughing] 432 00:15:13,967 --> 00:15:15,367 [powering down] Oh! Ohhh! 433 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,500 Wha--What just happened? Is this thing on? 434 00:15:17,533 --> 00:15:20,533 - You really should have watched that video. 435 00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:30,967 - For generations, there has been a group 436 00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:34,067 of Azurians that has never known peace or justice... 437 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,567 The Short Antennae'd 438 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,433 Their history of inequity goes back to Ancient Emperor 439 00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:42,600 Zlarkon, who famously ground short antennae 440 00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:44,867 into a fine powder, believing it to be 441 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,867 a powerful sexual stimulant. 442 00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:50,067 - Jesus. I-I had no idea. 443 00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,067 - With offensive names like 444 00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:54,733 "Shorties" and "Tip-Tips", 445 00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:57,567 mockery of the Short-Antennae'd was long a staple 446 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,400 of Azurian Comedy. 447 00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:03,433 - What do you think about interplanetary politics, Znags? 448 00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:05,367 - Duh, how should I know? 449 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,467 I can barely pick up gamma rays 450 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,067 with my little dinky dinks. 451 00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,600 [laughter] 452 00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:12,133 - It's just shameful. 453 00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,467 - I still don't get it. Where did all my laughs go? 454 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:16,633 - Your laughs were erased, Jeff! 455 00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:18,800 Hate-based comedians don't deserve 456 00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:20,933 to have healing laughter. - Erased?! 457 00:16:20,967 --> 00:16:22,867 I worked like a dog for those laughs. 458 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:25,567 [groans] I can't believe after all that 459 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,067 it's gonna end like this. I mean... 460 00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:29,700 I'll never find an audience big enough to-- 461 00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:31,733 [gasps] Sammy, can you still get me 462 00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:33,700 on that stupid dancing show? 463 00:16:33,733 --> 00:16:35,767 [whooshing] 464 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,733 - Well, I hope there aren't any fire marshals 465 00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:42,067 in the house tonight because we are way beyond capacity 466 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:45,667 with people coming in droves to see the hated Earth bigot, 467 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,133 Jeff Mahoney dance. 468 00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:50,900 [whooshing] 469 00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:52,433 [spotlight clicks] 470 00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:55,433 [Latin-style music] 471 00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:59,667 * 472 00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,900 - Okay, look, I'm not really here to dance. 473 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:02,900 [audience gasps] 474 00:17:02,933 --> 00:17:04,700 - What? - Huh? 475 00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:05,867 - I didn't know about the whole short antenna thing, 476 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,933 but ya gotta believe me when I say 477 00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:10,200 I'm really, really sorry. 478 00:17:10,233 --> 00:17:12,500 Now-- - Whoa! Slow down, there, buddy. 479 00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:14,767 This isn't "Monologues With The Stars On The Stars." 480 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,067 [audience laughs] Let's move on 481 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,700 to our next contestants-- - Back off! 482 00:17:17,733 --> 00:17:19,167 [audience gasps] All right, now, 483 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,467 here's what's gonna happen, 484 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:21,700 I'm going to tell some jokes 485 00:17:21,733 --> 00:17:24,067 and I need you to laugh 486 00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:25,767 even if you don't think they're funny. 487 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,700 Please, just open your hearts... 488 00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:33,167 I'm Mr. Nipples! I'm Mr. Nipples! 489 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,767 I'm Mr. Buttcheeks. Big Mr. Buttcheeks. 490 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,900 - What the [bleep]? 491 00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:39,833 - [groans] Okay, you know, I, uh... 492 00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:42,167 I usually have music that kicks in 493 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,567 when I do this stuff, and-- - You suck, skin face! 494 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,133 - You're not funny! [audience booing] 495 00:17:46,167 --> 00:17:48,100 - You think I don't know that? 496 00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,067 You think this is easy? 497 00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:53,067 You know the only time I ever really made anyone laugh? 498 00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:57,100 Was at summer camp, and this kid named Jake Weisner 499 00:17:57,133 --> 00:17:58,900 pantsed me, and told everyone 500 00:17:58,933 --> 00:18:00,567 I had a small penis... 501 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,133 I mean, do you have any idea what it's like 502 00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:04,100 to be mocked for something that has nothing to do with 503 00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,900 who you are on the inside? 504 00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:12,633 That's it. People of Azuria, don't you see? 505 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,067 [audience gasps] 506 00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:17,067 I, too, have a short antenna! 507 00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:20,067 - Oh, my goodness, that's the shortest antenna 508 00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,967 I've ever seen. 509 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,567 [laughter] 510 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,167 [charging] 511 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,067 - Huh, so it's funny when it's my pain, huh? 512 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,167 OK great, great, great. 513 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,800 Well, that summer, my nickname 514 00:18:33,833 --> 00:18:36,633 became "Lil' Nubbins" and that stuck with me 515 00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,867 until the 12th grade! 516 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:39,900 [both laughing] 517 00:18:39,933 --> 00:18:41,233 - [laughs] Little Nubbins. 518 00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:42,800 [laughter] [charging] 519 00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:44,267 - You guys wanna hear about the first time 520 00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:47,500 a girl met Lil' Nubbins? [cheers and applause] 521 00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:52,767 [indistinct woman on intercom 522 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,267 Daddy. 523 00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,667 Everything's gonna be okay now. 524 00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:01,767 [whirring] 525 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,067 - Jeff? - Get out! 526 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,733 - I swear to God I'm not gonna do any more hilarious bits. 527 00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:11,600 - That's too bad 'cause I love your hilarious bits. 528 00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:12,967 both: Dad! - Stanley! 529 00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:14,967 - Daddy! Oh, I thought I'd lost you. 530 00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:16,700 I'm so sorry for everything. 531 00:19:16,733 --> 00:19:20,167 You're the best dad ever, and you deserve a son 532 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,733 you can be proud of. Not some loser 533 00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:25,300 who's never gonna give you grandkids. 534 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,800 - Oh, what do I care about grandkids 535 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,967 when I already have the most incredible son 536 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:33,100 in the world? - Oh, it feels so good 537 00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:35,833 to have an honest and sincere moment with you guys, 538 00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,100 and be able to really tell you, 539 00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:40,967 how much I love you all. 540 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:43,833 - And we love you, Jeff. 541 00:19:43,867 --> 00:19:46,833 [emotional music] 542 00:19:46,867 --> 00:19:51,333 * 543 00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:54,067 - Uh, Jeff, what the hell is this? 544 00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,867 A Lifetime movie? 545 00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:58,167 We're gonna need a huge joke to make up for this... 546 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,800 um, ideally, something that's highbrow and lowbrow 547 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:02,867 at the same time. Here's the bad pitch: 548 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:05,267 you talk about the decline of social mobility... 549 00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:07,000 with your asshole! 550 00:20:11,833 --> 00:20:12,967 - [panting] 551 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,767 - Freeze! 552 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,633 - [grunts] - [stammers] 553 00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:17,933 [gun cocks] - Well, well, well. 554 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,767 - Easy. - Looks like you're toast, 555 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,767 Detective. Aah! 556 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,867 - Looks like you're toast... 557 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:29,100 covered in strawberry jam. 558 00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:32,900 - * Small time crooks, but this cop is even smaller * 559 00:20:32,933 --> 00:20:34,333 * If you're in heat 560 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,100 * He'll bring you back hotter 561 00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:39,333 * All you bad guys are going down * 562 00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:42,767 * He's one adjective and one proper noun * 563 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,867 * He's Lil' Nubbins 564 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:47,100 * The smallest private dick in town * 565 00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:48,900 - You're under arrest! 566 00:20:48,933 --> 00:20:51,233 - [laughs] I like his funny, high voice. 567 00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:52,900 He sounds so stupid. 568 00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:55,000 - I'm telling you guys, I can feel it. 569 00:20:55,033 --> 00:20:57,367 We got something really special on our hands here. 570 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,967 Jeff, what's the matter with you? 571 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,367 You don't want to watch the show? 572 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,267 - I'm sorry, guys, I can't handle 573 00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,733 any more garbage comedy right now. 574 00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:08,700 Why don't you check back in with me in about a week? 575 00:21:08,733 --> 00:21:09,733 - Cut! 576 00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:15,067 why do they call 'em smoothies, you know? 577 00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:16,433 They're not that smooth. 578 00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:18,200 Maybe they should start callin' 'em... 579 00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:19,367 roughies. 580 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,267 Huh? [chuckles] 581 00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:22,900 - [coughs] 582 00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:25,067 - Oh, come on! You guys laugh at butthole guy, 583 00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,467 but you can't give me one chuckle? 42294

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