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1
00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:12,033
[sentimental music]
2
00:00:12,067 --> 00:00:13,833
*
3
00:00:13,867 --> 00:00:15,267
- Doesn't it
just look like we're--
4
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,033
we're meant to be together?
5
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:19,833
- [sighs]
Hey, Jeff, we, uh
6
00:00:19,867 --> 00:00:22,567
we have over 400 hours
of you talking about Linda.
7
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,500
Is there anything else
you want to talk about?
8
00:00:25,533 --> 00:00:27,800
- Yeah, okay,
how about we talk about
9
00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:29,967
the loser she's dating now, huh?
10
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,833
I mean, look at this guy.
11
00:00:31,867 --> 00:00:33,000
I just don't get it, I mean,
12
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,967
what does he have
that I don't?
13
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,333
I'm going crazy here.
What am I missing?
14
00:00:38,367 --> 00:00:39,433
- Come on, Jeff.
15
00:00:39,467 --> 00:00:40,767
Isn't it obvious?
16
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,533
Look--look closely.
17
00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:43,833
- He's rich!
18
00:00:43,867 --> 00:00:47,167
- Yeah, money is Earth's
greatest aphrodisiac.
19
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:48,233
- What?
Where the hell
20
00:00:48,267 --> 00:00:49,667
did you come up
with that idea?
21
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,933
- I mean, Jesus Christ, Jeff.
22
00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:53,367
Are you actually looking
when you watch TV?
23
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,833
- Love
24
00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,667
cannot exist without
25
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:58,800
[echoing] luxury.
26
00:00:58,833 --> 00:01:01,067
- Skinless billionaire
Fred Grint renewed his vows
27
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:03,533
today with his 25-year-old
smoking hot wi--
28
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:06,500
- Yeah, dating in your 20s
is so fun,
29
00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:08,233
especially when you have
a sick loft
30
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:10,367
in the most expensive
city in the world!
31
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,367
- And we don't even have jobs!
32
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,733
- [laughs]
33
00:01:13,767 --> 00:01:15,767
- You see, Jeff?
There's a secret ideology
34
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,300
hidden in everything on TV.
35
00:01:17,333 --> 00:01:18,867
And if you pay close attention,
you can--
36
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:20,867
- Guys, guys, please.
I'm trying to watch the show.
37
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:23,667
- * Three aliens
came from the sky *
38
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,300
* The Galactic Council
sent them *
39
00:01:25,333 --> 00:01:26,700
all:
* And here's the reason why
40
00:01:26,733 --> 00:01:28,267
- * Their mission is to study
41
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:31,300
* Earth's most average guy
42
00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:32,767
all: * To see if humans
are worth saving *
43
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,933
* Or if everyone has to die
44
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:38,067
- Wait--what?
45
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:43,167
[mellow rock plays]
46
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,133
[phone chirping]
47
00:01:45,167 --> 00:01:46,167
- [gasps] Linda!
48
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,167
- Hey, Jeff.
49
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,933
- Oh, my God.
How are you?
50
00:01:48,967 --> 00:01:50,667
- [sighs]
51
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:52,067
I just broke up with Chet.
52
00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:53,067
- What?
53
00:01:53,067 --> 00:01:54,900
Uh...oh, no.
54
00:01:54,933 --> 00:01:58,100
That's, uh,
that's terrible news.
55
00:01:58,133 --> 00:01:59,867
- I've just been kind of lonely
56
00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:02,867
and I was hoping we could
grab a bite some time.
57
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:04,433
I'm sorry, is that weird?
58
00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:05,967
- If by weird you mean
the best thing
59
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:07,100
I ever heard in my life,
60
00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:09,933
well, then yeah,
it's cuckoo bananas!
61
00:02:09,967 --> 00:02:11,433
- [laughing]
Jeff.
62
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:13,267
[gasps] Do you want to
get dinner tonight?
63
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,533
Just something simple
and, I don't know,
64
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:17,933
it would just be
so nice to hang out--
65
00:02:17,967 --> 00:02:19,067
- How about Shogu?
66
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:23,100
[dramatic chords]
67
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:24,433
I hear it's delicious.
68
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:26,233
- Oh, my God,
that sounds amazing!
69
00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:28,633
Oh--isn't that place
really expensive?
70
00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:33,100
- Linda, a girl like you
deserves luxury.
71
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:35,067
[distant siren]
[neon buzzing]
72
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:36,700
How about this?
This has to be worth something,
73
00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:37,700
right?
74
00:02:37,733 --> 00:02:40,667
- Uhh, this is
a rusty frame, so no.
75
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:41,667
- How about these?
These--
76
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:43,133
these are basically brand-new.
77
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,533
- Look, pal, come on,
78
00:02:44,567 --> 00:02:47,233
there's a recycling center
down the block.
79
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,300
- [sighs]
80
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,467
- Leave me alone with the boy.
81
00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:57,367
In the Battle of the Ardennes,
82
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,467
I was in a foxhole
with a wounded man.
83
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:05,167
I stuffed his entrails
back into his gut
84
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,167
and saved him
from certain death.
85
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,167
That man turned out to be
86
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,167
the King of Sweden.
87
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,567
They named a waterfall
after me and then...
88
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,067
he gave me this box of coins.
89
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:22,867
[coughs]
90
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,933
[faintly]
It's your...legacy.
91
00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:28,100
[flatline tone]
92
00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:30,167
[dramatic music]
93
00:03:31,833 --> 00:03:34,133
- Eh, I'll give you
30 bucks for it.
94
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,633
- Yeah, okay,
that seems fair.
95
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,700
Hi, just wondering, do you have
free sides of white rice?
96
00:03:41,733 --> 00:03:44,233
You do?
Oh, thank you!
97
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,467
Okay, so if we just get
two miso soups,
98
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,733
one edamame,
then we can fill up
99
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:50,333
on as much wasabi, rice--
100
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:52,800
- All right, buddy,
drop the pantalones.
101
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,767
Every once in a while,
we actually have to do our jobs
102
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,167
around here,
you know what I'm saying?
103
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:57,333
Let's get some bodily samples.
104
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,900
- What? No!
I don't have time
105
00:03:58,933 --> 00:04:00,100
for this right crap
right now.
106
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,167
I'm budgeting!
107
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,733
- [laughs]
What's "budgtiting"?
108
00:04:03,767 --> 00:04:06,767
- You spoiled
little alien brats!
109
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,733
You have any idea
how hard I have to struggle
110
00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:09,933
just to make ends meet?
111
00:04:09,967 --> 00:04:12,933
Then, if I want to do
something special, I have to--
112
00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:15,600
- I don't get it--why wouldn't
you just use an Energy Trader?
113
00:04:15,633 --> 00:04:18,400
- Well, I don't know
what that is.
114
00:04:18,433 --> 00:04:19,867
[low bass thrumming]
115
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,700
- Basically, this little sucker
right here
116
00:04:21,733 --> 00:04:23,867
just rearranges molecules
to create
117
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:25,633
anything you want
in the universe.
118
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,200
- Okay, let me get this
straight, all right?
119
00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:30,267
[scoffs] Just--you know,
so I understand things here,
120
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:31,433
all right?
121
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:33,700
You mean to tell me
this thing can make anything?
122
00:04:33,733 --> 00:04:35,467
Like, I don't know,
123
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:38,933
let's say I wanted a...
pffft...
124
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:40,733
brand-new Porsche or--
125
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:43,767
[screaming]
126
00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:49,367
Holy [bleep]!
This is awesome!
127
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,600
You guys should give this thing
128
00:04:50,633 --> 00:04:52,067
a better name than
Energy Trader.
129
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,300
I mean,
y-you should call it
130
00:04:53,333 --> 00:04:56,500
the Magical Super Wonder
Dream Machine!
131
00:04:56,533 --> 00:04:57,833
- [chuckling]
132
00:04:57,867 --> 00:04:59,600
Well, Energy Trader's
a little more accurate,
133
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,067
'cause that's what you just did.
- Mm-hmm.
134
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,533
- Huh?
- You just traded five years
135
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:04,133
of your life
for this bad boy.
136
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:05,267
- What?
137
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:09,833
[dramatic sting]
138
00:05:09,867 --> 00:05:11,533
I'm not even into cars!
139
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,233
- Oh, I think
you'll like this one.
140
00:05:13,267 --> 00:05:15,167
I got you the sport package.
141
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,400
- Five years?
142
00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:20,067
Okay, wow, well,
that's a great detail to know.
143
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:23,833
Okay, this is still amazing.
I just--I--I gotta be careful
144
00:05:23,867 --> 00:05:25,867
and stick to the essentials.
145
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,200
[energetic music]
146
00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:29,433
Yeah!
147
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,233
Yeah!
148
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:32,667
Yeah!
149
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:34,867
Yeah!
150
00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:38,700
Oops.
151
00:05:38,733 --> 00:05:39,967
Yeah!
152
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:44,867
[sustained]
Yeeeeee-aahhhhh!
153
00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:47,833
*
154
00:05:47,867 --> 00:05:48,933
[engine revs]
155
00:05:48,967 --> 00:05:52,167
Bye, guys.
Wish me luck tonight.
156
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,267
Oh, [bleep],
it's a stick!
157
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,433
[gears grinding]
God damn it!
158
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:59,567
[grinding, squealing, revving]
159
00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:03,600
- Jeff?
- Hey, there, I--
160
00:06:03,633 --> 00:06:06,633
I set your butt warmer to four.
I hope that's not too hot.
161
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:09,633
[dinner music playing]
162
00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:11,233
[both chuckling]
163
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:13,800
Well, this time,
we're going crème brulée...
164
00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:15,567
- Mmm. Jeff--
- Then sorbet...
165
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,500
- [giggles]
- Then soufflé.
166
00:06:17,533 --> 00:06:20,233
- [laughs]
- [imitate motor]
167
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:23,700
Yum!
- This is so fun!
168
00:06:23,733 --> 00:06:27,067
When I was with Chet,
we'd never eat dessert.
169
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:30,067
He was always too worried about
losing his stupid six-pack.
170
00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:31,700
- Pffft!
Men, huh?
171
00:06:31,733 --> 00:06:33,200
Ha-ha.
So tell me about that.
172
00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:34,300
What happened?
173
00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:36,200
- [sighs]
Honestly,
174
00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,933
in so many ways,
he was the perfect guy.
175
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:41,667
He was handsome, funny,
a generous lover.
176
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:44,100
- Uh-huh, yeah, yeah,
well, what's the bad part?
177
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:46,067
- There were little things like
178
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,933
he hated kids.
179
00:06:47,967 --> 00:06:49,833
Once he held my sister's baby.
180
00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:52,433
He acted like
he was cradling a turd.
181
00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:54,067
- Wow.
That's really sad.
182
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:57,433
I think men who are out of touch
with their nurturing side,
183
00:06:57,467 --> 00:07:00,833
they're really missing out
on one of life's great joys.
184
00:07:00,867 --> 00:07:02,967
[clicks tongue]
No, no, no, not so fast.
185
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,700
You're gonna get a tummy ache,
okay?
186
00:07:04,733 --> 00:07:07,267
- I still can't believe
they let you bring him in here.
187
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:08,800
- Sawyer's a service animal.
188
00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,267
I have papers.
189
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:12,233
- You know, I don't know
what it is about you,
190
00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:14,167
but you seem different.
191
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,667
Like, more mature.
192
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:20,567
- Maybe that's 'cause
every day I spent without you
193
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,233
has felt like a hundred years.
194
00:07:23,267 --> 00:07:25,467
- [sighs]
You know,
195
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,933
this might sound
totally insane,
196
00:07:27,967 --> 00:07:30,633
but would you ever consider
giving us another try?
197
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:31,667
- [bleep] yeah, I would!
198
00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:33,167
Praise Jesus!
[crowd murmuring]
199
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,067
I mean, yeah, yeah, sure.
200
00:07:39,133 --> 00:07:40,233
- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait.
- [giggles] I'm so excited!
201
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,067
- Ah! Oh, my God!
202
00:07:44,433 --> 00:07:46,800
[singing upbeat
Spanish song]
203
00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,600
- [groaning]
204
00:07:48,633 --> 00:07:54,167
*
205
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:59,167
Ah--I [bleep] love you!
206
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,067
[pained groans]
207
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,233
[singing continues]
208
00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:05,733
*
209
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,233
[laughing]
- This is amazing!
210
00:08:08,267 --> 00:08:09,867
- What?
What's Linda doing
211
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,067
with this old creep?
212
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,567
- She's rebounding, bro.
213
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,133
It's not gonna last, okay?
214
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:15,233
Class is in session.
215
00:08:15,267 --> 00:08:16,833
- Okay.
- What you gotta do
216
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:18,800
is just stay a presence
in her life.
217
00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:20,333
How?
You know.
218
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,800
Like a photo.
- Uh-huh.
219
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,433
- Retweet her.
You know.
220
00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:26,300
Find out where she works out,
get yourself a membership.
221
00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:29,233
And let her know you're gonna be
standing right there
222
00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:30,600
when she's done
with this little game.
223
00:08:30,633 --> 00:08:31,600
- Brad!
224
00:08:31,633 --> 00:08:34,300
You seriously give
the best advice, bro.
225
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,100
- [groans]
226
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,067
Yeah, it's a--ugh--
227
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,867
[moans]
- [heavy breathing]
228
00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:44,167
- Oh, oh.
229
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,833
Why don't we take
a little break, huh?
230
00:08:45,867 --> 00:08:48,067
[sighs]
- Break?
231
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,267
We just started.
232
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,067
I am so horny.
233
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:52,433
- Hey, I'm just saying.
Heh.
234
00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:54,433
Let's mix it up a little, huh?
235
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:55,933
Wouldn't it be fun
to take a nap
236
00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:58,333
for 15 to 20 minutes first?
- [sighs]
237
00:08:58,367 --> 00:09:00,267
- [sighs]
238
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:02,400
Huh?
- All right, that's it.
239
00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:04,467
Jeff, I'm worried about you.
240
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,500
You look really awful.
241
00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,533
Are--are those liver spots?
242
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:10,133
[ominous chords]
243
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,133
- What?
[chuckles]
244
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,767
No, no, yeah, right.
245
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,167
No, they're just, uh,
246
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,300
big old freckles.
247
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:19,600
- What the hell is going on?
248
00:09:19,633 --> 00:09:21,067
- Hey, hey, hey, guess what.
249
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:23,233
It's our half anniversary!
250
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:25,067
- No, I don't want, no!
251
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,733
- Let me go get your present.
- No more presents!
252
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:29,700
- Okay, listen up,
I need something special
253
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:31,767
to change the mood here, like
a diamond ring or something.
254
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,900
- Jeff, I--I don't know buddy.
Don't you think--
255
00:09:33,933 --> 00:09:35,067
- Just do it!
- Whoa!
256
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,433
Okay.
257
00:09:36,467 --> 00:09:40,467
[bass thrumming]
- [pained groaning]
258
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:41,667
[power-down hum]
259
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:45,067
[weakly] Thanks, guys.
260
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,567
- [huffing]
261
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,100
- Good news, baby.
262
00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:50,133
- [gasps]
- Our 15 minutes is up.
263
00:09:50,167 --> 00:09:51,733
- [screams]
Help!
264
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,767
Jeff, there's a creepy
old man in the house!
265
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:54,900
- What? No, no.
266
00:09:54,933 --> 00:09:56,900
I'm Jeff.
Look, look.
267
00:09:56,933 --> 00:10:00,100
Remember the freckles,
huh?
268
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,333
Whoa!
269
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,200
Just come here and kiss me.
- [yelps]
270
00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:06,333
- Then you'll know it's me.
- [screaming]
271
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:08,200
- Oh.
[guttural gasp]
272
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:11,200
Linda, don't go!
273
00:10:11,233 --> 00:10:14,067
I love you!
274
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:18,967
[strained breaths]
- Well, Mr. Mahoney,
275
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,267
you're a textbook case for the
importance of annual checkups.
276
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:24,333
So much of this
could've been avoided.
277
00:10:24,367 --> 00:10:26,833
The thrombosis, the melanomas,
the polyps and tumors
278
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,433
on your prostate.
- [coughs]
279
00:10:28,467 --> 00:10:31,800
- Luckily, you got the
best medical care there is.
280
00:10:31,833 --> 00:10:33,267
[dramatic sting]
281
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,767
- Oh, no.
282
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,567
- Uhh...
283
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,933
[siren wailing]
284
00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:42,967
- There's only so much
285
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,967
modern medicine
can do, Mr. Mahoney.
286
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,500
I'd recommend you
287
00:10:46,533 --> 00:10:48,833
get your affairs in order
as soon as possible.
288
00:10:48,867 --> 00:10:50,200
- Oh, God.
289
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,133
- Also, just so you know,
we do have payment plans.
290
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:53,667
You don't have to
pay all at once.
291
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,000
- Come on.
We don't really need to see
292
00:10:57,033 --> 00:11:00,233
Jeff's bodily samples
every single month, do we?
293
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:03,067
- Without an accurate log
of this human's development,
294
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:04,467
your whole mission is pointless!
295
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,633
I mean, maybe
you don't need your jobs.
296
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,633
[all gasp]
- I need my job.
297
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:11,367
Without it,
I have no identity!
298
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,133
- As long as you get me
those samples
299
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,267
before the end of the month,
you'll be okay.
300
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,533
You're lucky humans
don't age that much
301
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:20,133
in such a short
period of time.
302
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:23,067
[dramatic chorus sings]
303
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,833
*
304
00:11:24,867 --> 00:11:26,300
- [wheezes]
305
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:33,133
*
306
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,900
[gasps]
307
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,767
[screams]
308
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,500
- Jeff, we need to talk.
309
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:50,533
- Jesus!
310
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:52,633
You guys could've
just called me.
311
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:54,267
- Shh, save your energy.
312
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,767
You could die at any second.
313
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,600
We've got to hurry up
and get you your youth back.
314
00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:01,067
- My youth?
315
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,433
- -All right, all we got to do
is pump the same value
316
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:06,900
of the things you took out
back into the machine.
317
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:13,067
- What?
I don't feel five years younger.
318
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,233
- New cars lose half their value
the second you drive them
319
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:16,667
off the lot.
Everybody knows that.
320
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,400
- Plus the transmission
was totally shot.
321
00:12:19,433 --> 00:12:21,067
[upbeat music]
322
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:23,867
- Countdown.
Ten, and nine,
323
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,067
and eight, ladies,
and seven...
324
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,133
- Linda!
- [gasps]
325
00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:28,967
Oh, my God, Chet.
- Whoa!
326
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:30,300
You do Lady Barre too?
327
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,833
What are the odds?
That's crazy.
328
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:33,300
How have you been?
329
00:12:33,333 --> 00:12:35,433
- Five, six--you're doing great!
330
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:38,300
[somber music]
331
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:41,800
*
332
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:43,500
- Oh.
333
00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:50,433
*
334
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:54,867
[grunts]
335
00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:00,300
I'm gonna miss you most,
Sawyer.
336
00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:04,100
You were the little brother
I never had.
337
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:06,800
[click]
[power up thrum]
338
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:14,667
Guys, what's the use?
I'm still old as [bleep].
339
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,467
- So I'm just picking through
this guy's random junk,
340
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,233
when suddenly
I see these coins.
341
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,900
- What the--
- Did you have any idea
342
00:13:21,933 --> 00:13:24,600
that they would turn out to be
the rarest, oldest,
343
00:13:24,633 --> 00:13:26,800
and most valuable coins
ever discovered?
344
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:29,800
[Jeff groans]
Worth an estimated $13 million?
345
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:31,100
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
346
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,167
- Yeah, and the best part is,
347
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,600
I only had to pay the guy
30 bucks for them!
348
00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:35,867
- Oh, my God!
- [laughs]
349
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:37,233
- Who was this idiot?
350
00:13:37,267 --> 00:13:39,067
- Eh, you know,
he's just some punk kid.
351
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,300
But he's still young.
He'll figure it out.
352
00:13:49,233 --> 00:13:53,200
I mean, do you really think
I would sell my legacy
353
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:57,167
for $30 to some
greasy pawnshop owner?
354
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,433
- Who you calling greasy?
355
00:13:58,467 --> 00:14:00,500
- They were stolen!
356
00:14:00,533 --> 00:14:02,067
[courtroom murmurs]
[tap tap]
357
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:04,067
- By the power vested in me
by the state,
358
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:07,500
I hereby grant you back
your rightful property.
359
00:14:07,533 --> 00:14:09,367
Shame on you, sir!
360
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,367
Swindling a 109-year-old
war hero.
361
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,433
- Ah.
362
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:18,100
All right, let's do this.
Let's do this.
363
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:21,133
[groaning]
364
00:14:23,233 --> 00:14:25,767
Oh--thank God I'm back.
365
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,267
I got to go find Linda and--
[yelps]
366
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,733
[both gasp]
Uh, guys?
367
00:14:30,767 --> 00:14:32,633
- Huh.
I guess we should've
368
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:34,700
done some basic
calculations first.
369
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:37,300
- What the [bleep]
is going on here?
370
00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:38,300
- Uhh...
371
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:41,300
[clanking,
clattering]
372
00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:43,333
- [babbling]
373
00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:45,267
- Oh, okay, I see, I see.
374
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,900
We should've just pumped
$6 million into the machine.
375
00:14:47,933 --> 00:14:51,067
- You mean Jeff
could've kept $7 million?
376
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,733
Oh, my god, that
would've been amazing!
377
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:55,433
- [cries]
378
00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:58,467
- * Good night, little baby
379
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:00,767
* It's time to go to sleep
380
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,267
* Bah bah bah bah bum
381
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:03,833
* Sweet little baby
382
00:15:03,867 --> 00:15:05,467
* And don't you
make a peep *
383
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,200
* Bah bah bah bah bum
384
00:15:07,233 --> 00:15:10,067
- Hello, Jeff?
[all gasp]
385
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,933
I just came by
to get my stuff and--
386
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:14,067
[dramatic sting]
387
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:15,733
[gasps] Oh, my God.
388
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:19,567
Oh.
Oh, my God, little angel.
389
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,233
Who are you?
390
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:25,967
[humming]
391
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:28,600
Don't worry.
You're safe now.
392
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:30,633
- That's right, bro.
We're here for you.
393
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:32,867
And we're not going anywhere.
- [cries]
394
00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:34,767
- I don't understand
where Jeff could be
395
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,233
or what's happening.
396
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,967
- I mean, Linda,
look at the facts.
397
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:41,867
He's aging fast, losing hair,
suddenly flush with cash.
398
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,700
It's crystal meth, baby!
399
00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:45,733
- [gags]
- Ah!
400
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:48,067
It's okay, it's okay.
401
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:51,067
Poor guy's probably going
through withdrawal.
402
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:53,667
- This is so awful.
What do we do?
403
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:56,867
- What he needs is
some stability and love.
404
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,433
And we're gonna
give it to give it to him.
405
00:15:58,467 --> 00:16:00,100
- [sighs]
406
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:04,733
- [singing and laughing]
- [crying]
407
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:09,667
*
408
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:12,600
[crying]
409
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,100
- Oh, uh, oops.
410
00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:19,267
- Uh!
- [chuckles]
411
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:22,267
- [crying]
412
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,067
- Here's what
you got to do, bro.
413
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:26,867
Take her on a hike
to Rainbow Falls.
414
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,133
Chicks love hikes.
- Uh-huh.
415
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:30,300
- Then, put the ring at the end
of a fishing line.
416
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:31,700
Don't let her see.
- Yeah.
417
00:16:31,733 --> 00:16:33,067
- That's when tell you her
you're gonna get her
418
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:35,500
the ultimate catch.
- Okay.
419
00:16:35,533 --> 00:16:38,467
- Then reel it in,
look her in the eye, and say,
420
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:41,367
"the ultimate catch is me."
421
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,100
Boom, got yourself a fiancée.
422
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:46,533
- Brad, you seriously
give the best advice, bro!
423
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:47,533
- No!
- Ah!
424
00:16:47,567 --> 00:16:48,533
- [chomps]
- No!
425
00:16:48,567 --> 00:16:50,233
Cough it up you stupid baby!
426
00:16:50,267 --> 00:16:51,933
Ah!
- [yelling]
427
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,533
- [muffled shouting]
428
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:05,267
- Oh, great.
Now he's stuck at daycare.
429
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,333
How are we supposed to get
430
00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:08,500
Jeff's bodily samples
in time now?
431
00:17:08,533 --> 00:17:10,267
- Oh, God.
- Oh well.
432
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:13,200
I guess I can always fall back
on my massage training.
433
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,200
- Yeah, and I've got my uncle's
scrap metal business
434
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:16,233
I can always go back to.
435
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,200
- This job defines me!
- No, Jimmy!
436
00:17:18,233 --> 00:17:19,700
- Huh?
- [yelling]
437
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:23,133
[whimpering]
[babies crying]
438
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,100
Gotcha!
439
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:32,567
[power up thrumming]
440
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,133
- All right, baby Jeff.
441
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:36,500
Just think of some stuff
you want.
442
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:48,067
- Looks like Jeff really
developed a taste for baby food.
443
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,500
- Uhh...
444
00:17:49,533 --> 00:17:50,833
- [gasps]
445
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:54,333
[bottles clatter]
- Who are you?
446
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,933
- I'm...Andy.
447
00:17:56,967 --> 00:17:59,067
[cries]
448
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:00,667
- Oopsies.
449
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,733
[babies crying]
450
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:05,500
- Gosh, I've never seen them
this worked up.
451
00:18:05,533 --> 00:18:06,600
- Don't worry.
452
00:18:06,633 --> 00:18:09,667
A little nap time will
calm them right down.
453
00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:13,067
Sweet dreams, little angels.
454
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:17,133
- [yelps]
Where are you?
455
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,333
There you are!
456
00:18:22,633 --> 00:18:24,700
- All right!
Our main man is back!
457
00:18:24,733 --> 00:18:26,733
- Oh, thank gosh.
Let's get your samples
458
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,367
so none of us
lose our jobs here, okay?
459
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,900
- No, you're not touching me.
Get away!
460
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:31,500
I gotta get Linda back.
Ah!
461
00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:33,833
- [babbling]
462
00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:35,067
- Who the hell is that?
463
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:38,967
- I'm Andy!
[chuckling]
464
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,067
- Huh?
465
00:18:44,733 --> 00:18:47,733
I think I may have just gotten
you the ultimate catch.
466
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:49,067
- Linda!
467
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:51,200
Oh!
[grunts]
468
00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:52,367
- Uhh...
469
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,367
- [gasps]
- Ah!
470
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,067
- Jeff!
- Easy, man.
471
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,167
We don't have
any drugs here, okay?
472
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,300
- Listen pal, the only high
I'm interested in
473
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:03,600
is the rush of
endorphins and dopamine
474
00:19:03,633 --> 00:19:07,567
I get every time
I hang out with Linda.
475
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:08,700
Did that makes sense?
476
00:19:08,733 --> 00:19:10,467
- Where the hell
have you been?
477
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:12,833
And why was there
a baby at your house?
478
00:19:12,867 --> 00:19:15,833
- Uh, that was little Randy.
Yeah, uh.
479
00:19:15,867 --> 00:19:18,767
I'm doing a--an avant-garde
baby calendar shoot at my house.
480
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,133
It--it was supposed to be
a surprise, but whatever.
481
00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:22,633
[nervous chuckle]
482
00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:25,433
Still, thank you for being
so caring and sweet
483
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:26,800
as you always are.
484
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,500
I wish I could say the same
thing for you, Chet.
485
00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:30,967
- Huh?
- By the way.
486
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:34,600
I'm so glad you splurged
on this fancy baby monitor
487
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:37,167
that records.
- You stupid baby!
488
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,733
- Uh...
489
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:40,867
- Oh, my God!
Chet?
490
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:42,467
- That's out of context.
491
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,767
- Just get out of here!
492
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,067
You disgust me!
493
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:48,533
- Oh, I'm sorry Linda.
[stifled crying]
494
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:49,767
- You should go too, Jeff.
495
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,300
I just--
- Wait.
496
00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:53,067
I just want to say something.
497
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,467
I'm a stupid, stupid idiot.
498
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:58,333
I had you, the most wonderful
woman in the world,
499
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:00,333
and I threw it all away
trying to impress you
500
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,933
with heated floors
and Danish furniture
501
00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:05,167
and an endangered
species of iguana
502
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,633
who also happens to be my best
friend and I miss him very much.
503
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:09,167
God, I miss him so much.
504
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,433
- Aw.
- And yes,
505
00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:13,200
I was battling
a freaky old-man disease,
506
00:20:13,233 --> 00:20:16,333
which was cured, but still,
that's no excuse
507
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:19,433
for making the biggest mistake
of my life:
508
00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,233
losing you.
509
00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:24,100
- Look, Jeff,
I just need some time.
510
00:20:24,133 --> 00:20:26,133
But you haven't lost me.
511
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:28,067
We can still be friends.
512
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,400
- Okay.
513
00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:30,733
Like,
514
00:20:30,767 --> 00:20:32,867
shower sex friends?
515
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:37,167
[screaming]
516
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:40,100
[sighs] Well.
517
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:41,467
Lesson learned.
518
00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,300
I'm definitely never gonna
trade my life energy in
519
00:20:44,333 --> 00:20:47,167
for anything ever again.
[phone buzzes]
520
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,600
Oh, time for work.
521
00:20:49,633 --> 00:20:52,000
I'll see you guys
in 12 hours.
522
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:56,367
[somber chorus singing]
523
00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:01,467
*
524
00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,300
- Cut.
525
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,533
- [gasps]
Who are you?
526
00:21:21,567 --> 00:21:23,267
[dramatic sting]
527
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:24,767
- I'm Andy!
528
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:28,067
[pig grunting]
[Andy grunting]
36218
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