All language subtitles for movieddl me_Jeff & Some Aliens S01E01 Jeff and Some Honor Killings 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-Cinefeel_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,800 - [scatting] 2 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,533 What the... 3 00:00:18,633 --> 00:00:20,300 Guys! - Huh? 4 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,000 - Everything okay, buddy? 5 00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:25,833 - Did one of you happen to use my towel again? 6 00:00:25,933 --> 00:00:27,400 - Oh, come on! 7 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,333 Why do you always have to blame us? 8 00:00:29,433 --> 00:00:31,900 - Uh, maybe it's because you're the ones 9 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,300 with the oozing purple back sores! 10 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,033 - Well, that's-- Good point. 11 00:00:37,133 --> 00:00:38,700 - You need to respect my things, okay? 12 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:39,900 I mean, how would you like it 13 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,200 if I just messed with your stuff all the time? 14 00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,733 Huh? What's this here, huh? - [gasps] 15 00:00:43,833 --> 00:00:44,800 - I think I'll mess with it. - No, no, Jeff! 16 00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:47,133 - Oh, doesn't feel so nice, does it? 17 00:00:47,233 --> 00:00:49,067 [overlapping shouting] 18 00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:53,967 - Universal peace is possible. 19 00:00:54,067 --> 00:00:57,633 And the plans for it are all right here. 20 00:00:57,733 --> 00:00:59,733 [all screaming] 21 00:00:59,833 --> 00:01:01,167 [somber notes] 22 00:01:01,267 --> 00:01:03,267 [drums beating] 23 00:01:08,867 --> 00:01:10,867 - Earth will pay! 24 00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:13,200 [all cheering] 25 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,700 - Whew, we got lucky. 26 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,400 That coulda hit my neighbor's car or something, and that-- 27 00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:18,700 - There he is. - Huh? 28 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,367 - The monster who murdered Zargon. 29 00:01:20,467 --> 00:01:23,100 - What's that? - This is an act of war. 30 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,967 Now you and all your human brothers 31 00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:27,433 will boil in a pool of liquefied flesh. 32 00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:31,067 - Whoa, what? Hey, that's crazy, all right? 33 00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:33,533 I would never murder anyone, okay? 34 00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:34,867 I'm a peaceful guy. 35 00:01:34,967 --> 00:01:36,800 I was a vegetarian for two weeks. 36 00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,467 - He didn't mean it. What if he just said 37 00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:41,767 he was really, really, really, really, really, really sorry. 38 00:01:41,867 --> 00:01:45,900 - Hmm. I suppose a good, heartfelt apology could-- 39 00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,100 - Oh, oh, I got it! 40 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,933 What if he killed one of his fellow humans 41 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,067 as an act of goodwill? 42 00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:51,167 - What? No, no, no, no. 43 00:01:51,267 --> 00:01:52,467 That doesn't makes sense. Shut up. 44 00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:55,067 - That makes perfect sense. Let's do that. 45 00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:57,067 - You seemed pretty into that apology thing, 46 00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:59,667 which could also be really cool. 47 00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:01,333 - No, this is much better. 48 00:02:01,433 --> 00:02:03,867 You have one week to honor us with a precious human life-- 49 00:02:03,967 --> 00:02:06,067 - Wait! - And thus save your people. 50 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:09,467 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, please. 51 00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:11,500 [sobbing] Ew. 52 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,200 - Oops. That one was me. 53 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,933 - * Three aliens came from the sky * 54 00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:18,367 * The Galactic Council sent them * 55 00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:20,067 - * And here's the reason why 56 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:21,467 - * Their mission is to study 57 00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:24,567 * Earth's most average guy 58 00:02:24,667 --> 00:02:26,100 - * To see if humans are worth saving * 59 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,233 * Or if everyone has to die 60 00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:31,367 - Wait--What? 61 00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:36,667 - Okay, Jeff, so with an Azurian honor killing, 62 00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:38,400 it's very important that you follow 63 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:41,067 all the ancient traditions. - This is insane. 64 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,367 - First, you're going to want to purify them 65 00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,067 with the Great Blessing, 66 00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,333 peppering a small amount of saliva 67 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:51,233 from your mouth to their face three times. 68 00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:52,900 - You want me to spit on them? 69 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:55,467 - Every species has their own name for the Great Blessing. 70 00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:57,200 - That's what's so cool about it. 71 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,633 - Next, you will give them the Great Gift, 72 00:02:59,733 --> 00:03:03,233 bestowing upon them your sacramental hairs. 73 00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:05,933 Those that have never been tainted by light. 74 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,933 - So I'm gonna sprinkle my pubes on them too? 75 00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:11,133 That's real classy, guys. Yeah. 76 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,367 - They'll grow into the sacred cloaks 77 00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:14,967 they wear in the afterlife. 78 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,667 - Oh, cool. Thanks for clarifying. 79 00:03:17,767 --> 00:03:20,633 - And you'll finish by saying the holy words. 80 00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:23,467 all: "Gorumba, gorumba, gorong." 81 00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,600 - Look, I don't want to say those words, okay? 82 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:26,900 I-I don't want to do this. 83 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,467 Who the hell would I even kill? 84 00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:29,567 [knocking] - Jeff! 85 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,967 Why are you always shouting? 86 00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:34,833 - Hi, Evgeny, I'm sorry-- 87 00:03:34,933 --> 00:03:38,567 - [mimicking] You are loudest tenant I ever had. 88 00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:40,267 Why you cannot be quiet like me? 89 00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,300 I never even talk to nobody. 90 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:47,333 I have no friends. I have no family, no children. 91 00:03:47,433 --> 00:03:49,067 I could literally disappear tomorrow--- 92 00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:50,533 nobody would notice. 93 00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:52,433 [ominous musical build-up] You know why? 94 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,567 Because I'm considerate. 95 00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:58,433 - [breathing heavily] 96 00:03:58,533 --> 00:04:00,867 [turn signal ticking] 97 00:04:00,967 --> 00:04:04,067 Wha--hey, hey, hey! I was just about to park there. 98 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:05,567 - What are you gonna do? Move my car? 99 00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,200 You don't look strong enough to move my car. 100 00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:09,533 You're gonna do nothin'. I can take one sniff at you 101 00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:11,133 and know that you ain't gonna do nothin'. 102 00:04:11,233 --> 00:04:12,567 You couldn't do nothin'... 103 00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:14,100 - [growling softly] 104 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,733 [phone ringing] [startles] Ah! 105 00:04:15,833 --> 00:04:16,900 Hi, Dad. 106 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,700 - Honey, on a scale from one to ten, 107 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,300 how much do you like jazz? - Uh... 108 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,800 - Because I just scored us some tickets 109 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,467 to the Smokin' Tony Wilburs Jazz Festival. 110 00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:28,133 Huh? Can you dig it, daddy-o? 111 00:04:28,233 --> 00:04:31,367 Or should I say sonny-o? [chuckles] 112 00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:34,067 - Yeah, that's funny, Dad. Maybe some other time. 113 00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:37,067 I'm just--I'm under a lot of pressure right now. 114 00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:39,133 - Ah. Work, huh? 115 00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:40,867 - Yeah, work. 116 00:04:40,967 --> 00:04:44,367 It's been really demanding lately. 117 00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:49,333 - [panting] - 48, 49, 50. 118 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:50,767 - Yeah! - Jeff! 119 00:04:50,867 --> 00:04:53,533 Dave just smashed your record at "Eskimo Nuts." 120 00:04:53,633 --> 00:04:55,867 - Jeff, I couldn't have done it without you as an example. 121 00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:58,367 - Guys, please, we've gone over this, all right? 122 00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:00,533 It's called "Inuit Nuts." 123 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,500 - Oh, yeah. - Hey, Jeff! Get in here. 124 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,233 - Ah, dude, ask him if we can all get raises. 125 00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:10,067 - What's up, Nick? 126 00:05:10,167 --> 00:05:12,767 - [exhales deeply] Last night, I had a dream 127 00:05:12,867 --> 00:05:15,067 that you were an exotic French dancer, 128 00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:17,300 and you stole all my money. 129 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,967 - Wow. I thought this was gonna be 130 00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:20,933 about the mop I broke last week-- 131 00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:23,733 - I think it's 'cause you're such an incompetent manager, 132 00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:25,833 that I'm always worrying about you, 133 00:05:25,933 --> 00:05:29,233 and you're burrowed deep into my subconscious. 134 00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:31,833 - Uh, psychology is a pretty complicated-- 135 00:05:31,933 --> 00:05:33,300 - Step it up, Jeff! - Ah! 136 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,067 - You want me to lose my mind worrying about this business? 137 00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:40,567 I need to see that killer spirit in you. 138 00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:43,567 A good manager is willing to get blood on his hands 139 00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:45,567 and murder the problems before him. 140 00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,500 - [growling] - Just do it, Jeff! 141 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,733 Do it for the good of everyone! 142 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,667 - Oh! - Hey, sorry, sir, 143 00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:53,367 can I clock out early today? 144 00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:56,600 I need to go see my grandma. She's really sick. 145 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,133 She's basically a vegetable living in pain, 146 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:01,800 but we're not legally allowed to pull the plug. 147 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:03,967 [ominous musical build-up] It's heartbreaking. 148 00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:05,633 - That's fine. 149 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,133 Give me back my scissors. 150 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,367 Goddamn scissor thieves everywhere. 151 00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:13,100 - Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh. 152 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,300 I am so sorry to hear about your grandma, dude. 153 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,433 - [sighs] - So, uh, where is she? 154 00:06:19,533 --> 00:06:21,133 Like at a nursing home? 155 00:06:21,233 --> 00:06:23,067 Like Hancock Gardens? 156 00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:25,500 - Uh, I think it's called Glen Oaks. 157 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:29,300 - Glen Oaks! Yeah, I-I know where that is. 158 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,267 Cool, cool, yeah. It's a great place. 159 00:06:33,867 --> 00:06:36,467 [owl hoots] 160 00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:38,100 - Ah... 161 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,433 - We love you so much, Grandma. 162 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:43,533 [sobbing] 163 00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:49,433 - [labored breathing] 164 00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:51,200 [leaves rustle] 165 00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:54,733 [suspenseful music] 166 00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:57,067 - Just know that I do this 167 00:06:57,100 --> 00:07:00,433 with the deepest respect. 168 00:07:00,533 --> 00:07:03,500 [spitting] 169 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,533 - [softly] Ohh... 170 00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:13,433 - Gorumba, gorumba, gorong. 171 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,067 - [grunting] 172 00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:17,533 - I'm sorry. Oh, God. 173 00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:20,933 Forgive me. 174 00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:22,100 [flatline tone] 175 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,200 [dramatic music] 176 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,233 [thudding] - Oh! Uh. 177 00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,700 [click] - And tomorrow through Friday, 178 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,067 we're looking at perfect, sunny skies. 179 00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,400 I tell you, it's weeks like this 180 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,833 you realize what a precious gift life is, Jim. 181 00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:42,867 - [groans] - * Just keep dancing 182 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:45,500 * 'Cause you can't dance when you're dead * 183 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,533 - * Yo, respect life, that's my motto * 184 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,633 * Respect your elders too, yo, respect them a lot-o * 185 00:07:49,733 --> 00:07:50,733 - Ah! 186 00:07:52,933 --> 00:07:56,933 [groaning] 187 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,800 It's over. 188 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,933 - [chuckles] What the hell is this? 189 00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:10,200 - It's my Azurian sacrifice. What do you mean? 190 00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:11,867 - [chuckles] Come on, Jeff. 191 00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:14,067 This is a decrepit old woman. 192 00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:15,700 Zargon was in the prime of his life. 193 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,067 He still had a full head of hair! 194 00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:18,633 We can't show them this. 195 00:08:18,733 --> 00:08:20,567 - It would be incredibly insulting. 196 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,867 - Insulting? - We all make goofs, buddy. 197 00:08:22,967 --> 00:08:24,433 - This morning... - [sobbing] What did I do? 198 00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:27,200 - I put my underwear on backwards--it was so silly. 199 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,133 - At least your suffering is finally over. Ah! 200 00:08:30,233 --> 00:08:32,833 - Jeff, this is incredibly insulting. 201 00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:35,467 - What's happening? Is this hell? 202 00:08:35,567 --> 00:08:36,700 - What's she doing there? 203 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,667 - You sent her soul to the slave camps of Azuria 204 00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,167 when you said the sacred words. 205 00:08:40,267 --> 00:08:41,467 [chuckles] I thought it was obvious. 206 00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:44,333 - Slave camps? - Why is this thing so itchy? 207 00:08:44,433 --> 00:08:48,733 - This sickly old woman offering has enraged our people. 208 00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:50,767 Now they're clamoring for war. 209 00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:52,633 - No, no, no. Please, please take me. 210 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,867 I'll be a slave, okay? No war. There's no need for war. 211 00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:57,633 - Jeff, no disrespect, 212 00:08:57,733 --> 00:09:00,967 but Zargon was strong and virile. 213 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:04,367 You're fat, riddled with precancerous melanomas, 214 00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:06,067 and greasy skin. - What? 215 00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:07,600 Where are the melanomas? 216 00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,900 - If you want to avoid the slaughter of your people, 217 00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:14,133 you will offer us a healthy middle-aged specimen. 218 00:09:14,233 --> 00:09:16,067 Have a good day, son. 219 00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:18,433 - [sighs] - Uh... 220 00:09:18,533 --> 00:09:20,400 did we say anything about dragging the body 221 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:21,900 back to the house? We didn't, right? 222 00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:23,067 - Mm-mm. - Mm-mm. 223 00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,867 - You got quite the imagination, buddy. 224 00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:28,367 - [groaning] 225 00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,467 [animal cries out] 226 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,833 [grunts] No! 227 00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:43,433 [grunts] 228 00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:45,767 [panting] 229 00:09:45,867 --> 00:09:47,067 [engine turns] 230 00:09:47,133 --> 00:09:48,767 - * Well there ain't nothing sweeter * 231 00:09:48,867 --> 00:09:50,700 * Than a grandma 232 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,367 * Sitting on a porch drinkin' sweet peach tea * 233 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:54,467 - No! [click] 234 00:09:56,633 --> 00:09:59,200 - For now, all we know is that she's missing. 235 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,367 - Aw, man. 236 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,233 - But they're going to catch this idiot. 237 00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:05,133 He left all kinds of spit and pubes at the crime scene. 238 00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:06,900 - Ugh. - This guy must be real sick 239 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,800 in the head. - How do you know it was a he? 240 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:12,433 Huh? God, I am so sick of sexism. 241 00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:14,533 - I'm so sorry, dude. I gotta watch myself. 242 00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:17,500 - [grunting] 243 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,167 - If you want to avoid the slaughter of your people, 244 00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:24,133 you will offer us a healthy middle-aged specimen. 245 00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:25,933 I'm...so...healthy. 246 00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:27,633 Can you believe I'm middle-aged? 247 00:10:27,733 --> 00:10:29,800 I can't. Whoo! 248 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:35,900 - [heavy breathing] 249 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,700 You can do this. 250 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,833 You have to do this. 251 00:10:39,933 --> 00:10:42,567 The world depends on you. 252 00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:45,633 - [whistling] - [panting] 253 00:10:45,733 --> 00:10:47,600 [grunting] 254 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:50,900 Huh? Ahh! 255 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,667 - Oh, another leech who thinks he can mooch 256 00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,833 off the productivity of others. 257 00:10:55,933 --> 00:10:57,367 Not today! - Oh, God! [grunting] 258 00:10:57,467 --> 00:11:00,400 - I've been training for this moment for the past ten years. 259 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,233 [both grunting] Jiu jitsu! 260 00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:04,233 [both grunting] Muay Thai! 261 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:05,800 Capoeria! 262 00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:09,133 [grunting] 263 00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:11,067 - No! - [grunting] 264 00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:12,933 Ohhhhhhh! 265 00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:14,200 Ooh! 266 00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,067 - Oh! 267 00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,067 - [gasping] 268 00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:21,133 - Oh, man, I'm sorry. 269 00:11:21,233 --> 00:11:23,500 This is so [bleep] up. 270 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,433 [spitting] 271 00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:30,333 [sobbing] 272 00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,800 [festive music] - All right! 273 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,533 - You did it, buddy. - You nailed it. 274 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:35,567 - No, no. Stop it! Shut up! all: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! 275 00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:36,800 - Turn it off! 276 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,833 - Bravo, Jeff. 277 00:11:38,933 --> 00:11:41,233 This slave is both healthy and strong. 278 00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:42,900 I think it's safe to say 279 00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:47,133 this has been a huge win for everyone. 280 00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:49,600 - Oh, it's over. [chuckles] 281 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:50,967 It's over. 282 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,367 - [grunting] 283 00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:55,333 You can chain my body, 284 00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:58,300 but you can't chain my soul. 285 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,433 - Uh, that's actually exactly what we did. 286 00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:03,733 - [grunting] 287 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,367 - Stop him! 288 00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:08,200 [all grunting] 289 00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,267 - Oh, my God, he's kicking our asses. 290 00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:12,800 - Yeah, it looks like he's getting a great workout too. 291 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:16,767 [all grunting] 292 00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:18,467 - Father! 293 00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,533 - You were always a good boy. 294 00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:21,733 - No. - [coughs] 295 00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:24,367 I want you to take good care of your mother. 296 00:12:24,467 --> 00:12:27,367 - No! - I...love--[groans] 297 00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:30,100 - No! Father! 298 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,067 [echoing] 299 00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,900 - [scatting] 300 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,333 [scatting/crying] 301 00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:40,700 Wha-- - Jeff! 302 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,433 You sent a trained assassin up here to kill my father? 303 00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:46,267 Well, the deal's off. - No, wait. 304 00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:48,133 That's not an assassin, man. 305 00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:50,400 That's my boss, he just works out a lot. 306 00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,133 - It's true. What if Jeff could prove it? 307 00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:53,467 I mean, he could show his pay stubs. 308 00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:54,500 And you could see that the name of if the boss and Jeff... 309 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:55,567 - Yes, yes, I can totally do that. 310 00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:56,700 I'm not sure where they are, but I-- 311 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,300 - Or--or--or--or he could kill his father, 312 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,633 thus restoring the balance. - No! 313 00:13:00,733 --> 00:13:02,133 - That's good. We'll do that. 314 00:13:02,233 --> 00:13:05,200 You too will experience the deep suffering 315 00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:07,200 that I'm going through now. 316 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:10,867 - No, goddamn it, Sammy! [sobbing] 317 00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:13,800 - I think you're just mad 'cause he keeps liking my ideas better. 318 00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:15,933 [jazz music] 319 00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,600 - Hot socks! 320 00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:19,233 Can that cat blow or what? 321 00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:22,700 I mean, this is once in a lifetime stuff. 322 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,467 - Yeah. He seems really good at jazz. 323 00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:28,067 - I still can't believe that your boss 324 00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:31,467 gave you the whole week off. This is fantastic. 325 00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:35,967 - Yeah. Uh, so, Dad, tell me. 326 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:39,067 Do you have any, like, secret family stories 327 00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:40,933 or old recipes or like-- - What? 328 00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:42,233 - What kinds of things do you think 329 00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:44,067 would be on your bucket list? 330 00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:47,333 - Bucket list? Are you kidding, I'm only 63. 331 00:13:47,433 --> 00:13:49,767 I've never felt better in my life. 332 00:13:49,867 --> 00:13:51,800 But I mean, yeah, sure. 333 00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:54,667 There's a couple of things I've always wanted to do. 334 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,133 - * Morning has broken 335 00:13:57,233 --> 00:13:59,433 - Whoa! - Ya-ha! 336 00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:00,767 - [laughing] 337 00:14:00,867 --> 00:14:02,833 - Hey, Dad, check it out! 338 00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:06,833 - Oh, Jeff. Oh, it's beautiful! 339 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,467 [laughing] - Ole, Daddy, ole! 340 00:14:09,567 --> 00:14:11,133 - [grunts] - Oh! Oh! 341 00:14:11,233 --> 00:14:13,100 - [muffled] Hey, hey! 342 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,867 - * Praise for the singing 343 00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:16,900 - I love you, Dad. 344 00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:21,233 - * Praise for the morning 345 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,500 * Praise for the springing 346 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,733 - Well, it's been a little pricey, 347 00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:30,967 but this has been the best week of my life. 348 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,900 - You have one week to honor us with a precious human life, 349 00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,767 or you and all your human brothers 350 00:14:35,867 --> 00:14:38,567 will boil in a pool of liquefied flesh. 351 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,933 [ominous chorus sings] - Ahh! 352 00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:42,867 What are you thinking about, honey? 353 00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:45,800 - Just, uh, how much I love you. 354 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:46,900 - Aw. 355 00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:52,400 - Oh, wow. 356 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,167 Ooh, look, a falcon! 357 00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,867 [screeching] I think it's a female. 358 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,200 - Oh, yeah, how can you tell, Dad? 359 00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:03,567 - From the plumage. [tense music] 360 00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:06,967 Can you see the little yellow feathers on her breast? 361 00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,967 [tense music rising] 362 00:15:10,067 --> 00:15:11,067 * 363 00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:12,367 - No, I can't! 364 00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:15,467 - Whoa, whoa, honey, there's no need to get upset. 365 00:15:15,567 --> 00:15:18,100 It's a lot easier with the binoculars. 366 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,533 - I just-- I love you so much. 367 00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:23,167 - I know you do, you keep saying that. 368 00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:24,667 You know, honey, before this week, 369 00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,600 I was lucky to get a phone call from you once a month, 370 00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:29,900 asking for my password to Hulu. 371 00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:32,100 But now, look at us. 372 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,067 I mean, I don't know whether you're doing yoga 373 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:38,267 or some kind of self-help, but, honey, it's working. 374 00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:41,233 Because you've become the sweetest, gentlest-- 375 00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:42,667 - Hands in the air, Mahoney! - Whoa! 376 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,700 - What? - Is this about my taxes? 377 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,067 I claimed my living room as a home office. 378 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:50,400 I took a gamble. I rolled the dice. 379 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:52,733 - You're under arrest for double homicide. 380 00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:54,333 - What? 381 00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:56,167 [jail door slams] 382 00:15:56,267 --> 00:15:58,767 - You need to get me out of here or we're all gonna die. 383 00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:02,467 You people just don't get it. I need to talk to the aliens. 384 00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:05,167 - I always get the goddamned meth heads, don't I? 385 00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,267 - I've got it! [laughs] I've got it! 386 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,733 Larry, I need you to do me a huge favor. 387 00:16:09,833 --> 00:16:11,467 I need you to kill me. 388 00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:13,467 - I've been in here 14 years, 389 00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:15,867 and you're the craziest son of a bitch I ever met. 390 00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,733 - Here, you can choke me with these, okay? 391 00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,967 Oh, yeah, and I need you to spit on me three times, 392 00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:21,500 then sprinkle some pubes on my face, 393 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,600 and say, "Gorumba, gorumba, gorong," got it? 394 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:26,567 - You stay the [bleep] away from me. 395 00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:29,733 [dramatic music] 396 00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:31,800 - Hey! What the-- - That's right. 397 00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:33,700 You gonna do something about it? 398 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,700 Or are you just gonna stand there like a little bitch? 399 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,867 all: Oh! 400 00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:40,733 - I was new here once too. 401 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,833 I see what you're doing. Respect. 402 00:16:43,933 --> 00:16:45,567 - [grunts] all: Oh! 403 00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:46,900 - I don't need your respect. 404 00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:48,967 I already got your mom's respect 405 00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,933 when I was balls deep in her ass. 406 00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,067 all: Oh! - You crossed a line, puto. 407 00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:55,067 [both grunting] 408 00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:56,433 - Thank you. 409 00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:58,067 [overlapping shouting] 410 00:16:58,167 --> 00:16:59,400 - Huh? 411 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,967 - [spits] 412 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:05,133 Gorumba, gorumba, gorong. 413 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,533 [ethereal music] 414 00:17:07,633 --> 00:17:10,667 [laser fire] 415 00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:14,133 - You green freaks are all gonna die! 416 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:15,400 [both screaming] 417 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:19,267 - Does anybody have any idea what to do? 418 00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:21,567 [ethereal music] 419 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:25,467 - I do. - Jeff, you can stop him? 420 00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,900 - Sure, but here's how it's gonna go down. 421 00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:31,467 First, we call off this whole "blow up the earth" thing. 422 00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,767 Second, you send all the slaves back home. 423 00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:39,333 And third, you give me a shirt that's not made out of pubes. 424 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,167 - Hey, that sounds reasonable. 425 00:17:42,267 --> 00:17:46,100 - [maniacal laughter] 426 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,533 - Hey, hey, buddy. - What the... 427 00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:52,200 - Welcome to another batshit crazy Jeff dream. 428 00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:56,700 - [chuckles] Of course. A dream. 429 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,133 - You know dreams are all about symbols, right? 430 00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:00,733 - Okay. 431 00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:01,800 - And this mech is a symbol 432 00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:04,133 for that tough guy attitude of yours. 433 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:07,933 The real Nick is a fragile little boy, 434 00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:10,267 [whispers] and he needs to be loved. 435 00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:13,867 - Oh, God, it's true. 436 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,733 So what was the lobster dream about? 437 00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:18,800 - Uh, same thing, basically. 438 00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:21,567 Lobsters have shells, hard exteriors. 439 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,067 - Wow. Well, what about the one where you blew me 440 00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,467 in the hot tub in Aspen? 441 00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:28,333 - Uh, look man, we don't need to get into every dream 442 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:29,667 you've ever had here, all right? 443 00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:31,733 The point is, you should relax, 444 00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:34,400 and maybe give all your employees raises. 445 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:42,067 [all screaming] 446 00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:43,933 - [gasps] 447 00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:47,700 Why am I so obsessed with Jeff? 448 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,167 - [whimpers] But I'm scared. 449 00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:51,667 - Oh, it's okay, buddy. 450 00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:53,833 It's just water. See? 451 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,633 It's not gonna hurt ya. 452 00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,767 - Ahh! - Ahh! 453 00:18:57,867 --> 00:19:01,467 - Gotta hand it to him, man, he was pretty tough. 454 00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:04,200 But nobody survives a shanking from Jose. 455 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,900 - [gasps] all: Oh! 456 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,667 - I mean, how inept can the police be? 457 00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,667 - Yeah. Pretty hard to be a murderer 458 00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:16,067 if your victims are all alive and well. 459 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:19,300 - I'm telling you guys, the system is broken. 460 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,467 - Jeez. - So, Dad, you down to hit 461 00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:22,067 Ragtime Fest next week? 462 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:24,900 - Does Scott Joplin use a 2/4 time signature? 463 00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:27,967 - [chuckles] Well, you know, 464 00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,400 at the end of the day, 465 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:32,533 this all worked out great for everyone. 466 00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:34,900 - So, where were you, Grandma? 467 00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:36,900 - I was in hell. 468 00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:39,933 But instead of demons, there were aliens 469 00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:43,267 and they made me wear a horrible jacket made of pubic hair. 470 00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:45,133 - Once they get to this level of dementia, 471 00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,333 there's really nothing we can do. 472 00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,433 - 48. Wow, man, 49. 473 00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:55,867 - Hey, friends. - [grunts] 474 00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:58,633 - You're all getting raises because I appreciate you. 475 00:19:58,733 --> 00:20:00,067 - Yeah! - Nice! 476 00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,933 - Oh, and I'm not going to be here anymore 477 00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:03,600 on Tuesdays and Fridays 478 00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:06,300 because I'm starting intensive therapy. 479 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,267 I-I believe something is terribly wrong with me. 480 00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:13,733 - Uh, okay, well, thanks for the raise, man. 481 00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:16,800 - Jeff, did you do something different with your hair? 482 00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:18,633 - Uh... - I like it. 483 00:20:18,733 --> 00:20:20,967 - Thank you. 484 00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:23,467 * Water is so wet 485 00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,333 * Water is so wet * 486 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:29,733 * Have you ever seen a wetter thing than water? * 487 00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:33,767 Huh. 488 00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:36,867 [muffled] Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks so much 489 00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:40,533 for respecting the new towel rule, it means a lot. 490 00:20:40,633 --> 00:20:42,000 [all gasping] - Jeff! 491 00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:43,800 What is my butt brush doing in your mouth? 492 00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:44,800 - Your what brush? - Grossy grossers! 493 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,167 - Ugh! God! 494 00:20:46,267 --> 00:20:48,100 That means I've been getting your filthy mouth germs 495 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,133 all over my butt. - Ugh. 496 00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:51,633 How long has this been going on? 497 00:20:51,733 --> 00:20:53,167 - No! I'm the one that's upset. 498 00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:54,933 This is my toothbrush. 499 00:20:55,033 --> 00:20:58,033 - No! This is your toothbrush, you [bleep] idiot. 500 00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:01,267 Right where you left it, in the toothbrush cup. 501 00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:03,233 - Talk about disrespecting other people's stuff. 502 00:21:03,333 --> 00:21:05,400 - Ahh! [knocking] 503 00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:07,967 - Jeff! Shut your fat mouth! 504 00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:11,167 - Cut. 505 00:21:12,433 --> 00:21:14,433 - Perfect sunny skies. 506 00:21:14,533 --> 00:21:15,800 I tell you, it's weeks like this 507 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:18,100 you realize what a precious gift life is, Jim. 508 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,133 - Ugh. - * Just keep dancing 509 00:21:20,233 --> 00:21:21,167 * 'Cause you can't dance 510 00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:22,433 * When you're dead - Ooh! 511 00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:24,733 - * Yo, respect life, that's my motto * 512 00:21:24,833 --> 00:21:26,067 * Respect your elders too, yo * 513 00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:27,333 * Respect them a lot-o - Ugh. 36780

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