All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E25 - Shrink Wrap (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the
queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪

(Carrie)
Dad, will you please drop it?

(Arthur)
I won't!

(Carrie)
You're being insane!

I just want to be
properly groomed!

That's the opposite
of insane!

This has nothing
to do with grooming.

It has to do with
you trying to get
your hair dyed for free.

Tinted!
[Doug whispering]
On your left.

The point is,
I am not schlepping you

to some beauty school
in Brooklyn

just so that
you can save a few bucks.

It's not to
save a few bucks.

I want to help
the Paul lemond students
learn their craft!

[Whispering]
Need the butter, thanks.

Douglas, do you think
my request is so insane?

Go ahead, tell him, Doug.
Tell him how insane it is.

I don't want any trouble.

Ok, all right.
You know what, dad?

Fine.
If you want to go so badly,

here is money for a cab.
Go to Brooklyn.

Get a mohawk, have a ball.

I don't want
your filthy lucre.

Ok, your lucre's in my toast.

(Carrie)
Well, I am not driving you,

so if you want to go,

you're gonna have
to hitchhike.

So some trucker can
have his way with me?

[Exclaiming]
You'd love that!

(Carrie)
Yeah, I'd love it
if he drove off with you.

(Arthur)
How dare you!

(Carrie)
What the hell
is wrong with you?

(Arthur)
Perhaps you should be
asking that of yourself.

And we're back.

Why would you try to
dye your own hair?
Why?

Because you wouldn't drive me
to Brooklyn!

[Whispering]
Excuse me. I just need a beer.

And congratulations, dad,

you've managed
to ruin my sink.

And why black hair dye?

I mean, what's that about?

The drugstore was out
of summer auburn.

Besides,
I think I look quite dashing.

(Carrie)
Dashing?

You're dripping
like bad mascara.

You should know!

Why wouldn't you just take
the $20 I gave you

and call a cab?
Hmm? Why?

(Arthur)
It was a matter of principle!

(Carrie)
Principle?

Oh, ok,
what principle is that, dad?

(Carrie)
I pay for your room,
your food, your clothes.

What principle won't allow you
to take my money
for your hair?

Oh, couldn't even get
the bat off your shoulder
on that one, huh?

[Door opening]

Because my room,
food, and clothing

do not grow out of my head!

That's the difference.

Well, well.

Now who can't get
the bat off their shoulder?

Good night.

[Door closing]

Turn the light off, hon'.

Turn the light off?
Turn the light off?

Yeah.

Did you happen to notice
that a lunatic
just came into our room?

And now he's gone,
so can you turn the light off?

Carrie!

What are you so upset about
all of a sudden?

This kind of thing
happens almost every day.

And it's not natural.

Other people
don't live like this.

I know,
'cause I see them on my route.

Ok, they're happy.
They smile, they sing, Carrie.

We don't sing!

What do you want me
to do, Doug?

He's just a crazy,
difficult old man.

Yeah, well,
there must be things you
can do with crazy old people.

What? Like get him
his own corner on 48th street?

I don't know.
All I'm sayin' is,
I can't take it anymore.

Look, I'm gonna
lay it on the line here.

If you wanna
keep gettin' this,

you're gonna have to
do something about that.

Ok, which way
you leanin', here?

All right, Doug,
maybe you're right.

We could take him to see
a therapist or something.

Therapist?

I was thinking
more along the lines

of a big cage.

Why don't we try this first?

Yeah, but therapists,
aren't they expensive?

No, we'll just take him
for one session,

just so the guy can get
a sense of who he is,
you know?

What goes on in his mind
and give him
some really good drugs.

Drugs. Yeah, yeah.
That's good.

That's what they do with
cranky old people now.
They dope 'em up.

Yeah.

Let's bring him in,
get him altered.

I'll check into it tomorrow,
ok?

Ok.
All right.

Let's go back to sleep.

(Doug)
Hey, as long as we're up,
you, uh...

You want some of this?

Good night, honey.
All right, good night.

So, Arthur,
how do you feel
about being here?

I despise it
with every fiber of my being.

Psychiatry is for
the weak and the decadent.

Then why did you agree
to come?

I was promised
a steak dinner.

A fancy steakhouse,
not sizzler!

Who exactly was that
directed towards?

My daughter and son-in-law,

who are obviously observing me
in the waiting room

through this 2-way mirror.

[Exclaiming]

It's a regular mirror.

And the waiting room
is over there.

Fine. We'll play it your way.

Well, as long as you are here,

is there anything
you'd like to talk about?

Nothing you want to hear,
my friend.

What do you think
I want to hear?

Oh, I suppose
all the usual moaning
and crying.

[Whining]
Oh, doctor, please help me.

I was an unhappy child.

I wanted to kill my father
and make love to my mother.

Damn, you're good.

But my most frequent
childhood fear

was that
I would lose my voice,

that one day
I would try to speak

and no sound would come out.

Aha.

Does that mean I'm gay?

No.

It could mean you feel like
you're not always being heard.

Yes, of course.

Which is perhaps

why you developed
a tendency to scream.

Amazing.
How did you know I scream?

From before,
when you screamed at me.

Sorry again about that.
I didn't realize

you were just
making notes on your pad.

I thought you were
drawing my caricature.

Let's talk more about
this issue of not being heard.

Can you remember
a specific incident
from childhood

when you felt that way?

Oh, can I ever.

It involved something
very, very close to my heart.

Hey, Arthur,
do those dumb things
even work?

I'm looking at your skeleton
as we speak.

Getting those glasses
was the happiest moment
of my life.

You mean up to that point?

No. Ever.

Hey, Arthur,

I thought dad said
you couldn't have those.

Where did you get
the money anyhow?

Don't tell him.

I won it pitching pennies
against whitey dugan.

Damn.

[Door opening]

Hi, dad.

Hey, there, skitchy!
How's it goin'?

Good.

Hi, dad.

Arthur.

Say, what's that
on your head?

These are
just my regular glasses.

Really?

They always had
those spirally circle things
on the lenses?

[Stammering]
Sure.

Don't lie to me, boy.

I can check with
your optometrist.

They're X-ray glasses.

He bought them
with the money he won
pitching pennies.

What?

Et tu, skitch?

I thought I told you
any money you win
pitching pennies

goes right into
skitchy's college fund, huh?

It was just 15 cents, dad!

Please, dad,
don't throw 'em in the trash.

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Happy Birthday, skitch.
Thanks, dad.

Now go to your room!

I hate it here!

[Door slamming]

Those glasses
meant the world to me,

but you couldn't hear that,
could you?

Instead you had to
give them to skitch,

your beloved, your golden boy.

Skitch is a smart kid.
He's going places.

He's gonna be
arrested 9 times

for stealing women's shoes.

Hey, you want to
join yourself in that bedroom?

You can't intimidate me
any more, dad.

Oh, God.

Get back here!

You want a piece of me?

You're gonna have to
come through my psychiatrist.

Ooh, what have we here?

Big fancy park Avenue
headshrinker, huh?

What's the matter,

couldn't make it
as a real doctor?

I'm just here to observe.

Oh, are you, Mary?

Uh, let's get out of here.

Well, Arthur and I have had
a very interesting hour.

I think, perhaps,
there are ways

to bring about an improvement
in the situation

you've been having at home.

Hey, listen,
if, uh, there's anything
we can do

to--to help Arthur
feel better,

please, you know,
just say the word.

Absolutely.

So is the pharmacy in
the lobby still open, or...

Yes. Why?

Well, if you can write
a prescription now,

he'll be much happier
by tonight.

[Carrie laughing]

May I continue?
Please.

Arthur, by his own admission,

is a man who struggles with
not being heard.

The more he feels like
he's not being heard,

the louder he screams,
literally and figuratively.

As you know,
he is a screamer.

Not in the gay sense.

Anyway, a pattern
has obviously developed

wherein Arthur assumes
that the 2 of you

will consider his desires
to be extreme or frivolous,

and thus
he tends to live down
to your expectations.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I do. We do.

[Clearing throat]

So, uh, does the pharmacy
take insurance, or...

You're not gonna write him
a prescription, are you?

My only prescription is
more validation for this man.

Listen to him. Hear him.

Let him be who he is.

Hey, dad.
Whatcha got goin' on here?

Making candles.

Candles?

Yes, I always wanted to
make and sell them
out of my own home.

Ok, first of all,
my home.

Second of all,
I eat spaghetti out of that.

Well, well.

I'm not feeling
very validated right now.

No, no, no.
No, no, dad.

We support you all the way.

And by the way,
we do validate.

We just want to make sure

that this is something
you really, really wanna do.

It is.

[Exclaiming]
Ok, then.

Oh, um.

Just try to watch out for,
you know,

burning the house down.

Roger that!

Ok.

"Let's take him
to a therapist."

Wow! You're smart.

All right, I thought the guy
would just medicate him.

Did I know he was
a "validation" quack?

I say we just bail
on this right now.

We can't.

I'm the one who made him
go to a shrink.

If we blow off
what the guy says now,

my dad will never
listen to me again.

Things will
just get worse.

There's a man
with glaucoma

pouring hot wax
in our kitchen.

How much worse
can it get?

(Arthur)
Anyone want a candle

that looks sort of
like melvyn Douglas?

[Sighing]

I do!

Mind if I hang this
over the mantel?

Permission to start
a bluegrass band.

Don't mind me.

This is just for
my documentary.

I'd like to get
a large parrot

and name it Douglas.

F.Y.I.,

the lippman's will be
spending the night.

I'd like to get
another parrot that lives,

and call it
Douglas the second.

Actually,
perhaps I should wait

until I get
the rest of Douglas the first

off the side of the garage.

Hey, Arthur.

Hello.

[Sighing]

Hey, how's the, uh,
bluegrass band
workin' out for you?

You got
any gigs lined up?

No, it never really got goin'.

Mickey cracked his tooth
blowin' into the jug.

Uh-huh.

Hey, so when am I gettin'
my candle in
the shape of rusty staub?

Uh, that's not gonna happen.

Unfortunately,

hot wax and hairy forearms
are a volatile mix.

Right, right.

Hey, how's
Douglas the second doin'?

I'm sorry.

Hey, look, Arthur,
is there anything else
you need?

Or, you know,
anything you want to buy or...

Or build
or immerse yourself in?

'Cause we're here to listen.

No, no.
I'm--I'm quite fine, thanks.

Think I'll go grab
a little nap.

[Exclaiming]

That shrink is a genius!

What?

He knew what he was doing
all along.

We just kept validating Arthur
until he punched himself out.

I--I--I can't even describe
to you how I feel right now.

Carrie, I swear to you,
I've never been happier.

I've never been
more miserable.

The adjustments
you've been making at home,

the listening, the validating,
that's not working?

Well, it's working
for my father, I guess.

Now that we give him
everything he wants,

he doesn't want anything.

No more crazy demands,

no more screaming,
no more fighting.

It's what
Doug's always wanted.

He's happy,
but I'm miserable.

Well, let's explore that.

Hey, doc,
listen to me, ok?

I don't need to
send your kid to college

to find out
what I already know.

And what is that?

That I like to fight.

Obviously,
on some level,

I enjoyed fighting
with my father,

and now that we don't fight,
I miss it.

If you knew that,
why'd you come to see me?

Um, well, I was hoping
that you could, um,

prescribe me something,
you know,

to kind of
take the sting out of it.

[Sighing]

Uh-huh. Well, since we have
the whole hour,

why don't we talk about
your fighting issue?

Wow, you really don't like
to take that prescription pad

out of the holster, do you?

Fine!

I'll talk about
my "fighting issue."

What do you want,
like a childhood memory
or something?

It's up to you.

Ugh. Ok, fine.

Sheena easton sucks!

She does not.
She's the best.

You're stupid!

I'm not stupid, Carrie.
You are.

You are!

And that outfit,
not your best look.

You see?

I liked to fight
even as a kid.

Are you convinced now?

Well, I see
what you're saying,

though I find it interesting

you picked
this particular memory
to use as an example.

I picked it
because it was Lucy McDonald's
birthday party.

She was my best friend.
Let's go back.

Not just yet.

Why? So you can
finish eating?

That cake is
22 years old.

It's good,

and I'm not really
a cake guy.

What's happening
over there?

Please let this be
a Barbie dream house.

Please, please, please.

I hope it's not.

Why did you say that?

I thought Lucy
was your best friend.

She was.
I don't know why I said that.

♪[Music playing]

A Barbie dream house! Yay!

Damn.

Why are you upset?

'Cause Lucy got
what she wanted.

But you love her.
You should be happy.

Well, I'm not.

What is wrong with you?

[Lucy screaming]

A bee! A bee!

[Children screaming]

Now you're happy?
That's demented!

She's demented!

Help! He's gonna sting me!
He's gonna sting me!

[Snickering]

Actually,
it is kind of funny.

[Both mimicking lucy]
"He's gonna sting me! Aah!"

♪[Music continues playing]

Oh, my God.

I'm only happy when
other people are miserable,

and I'm miserable
when they're happy.

Is that it?

I'm afraid

we're out of time.

I'm really not
following you at all.

It's very simple.

You are
a happy person by nature,

and I am not.

Ok, look. You are here,

and I am here.

When my father was acting
like a maniac,

that made you unhappy,

which brought you
down to here,

closer to me,

which made me happier

because now
I had some company.

How you doing so far?

Keep going.
Ok.

Now that
my father's calmed down,

you are back up here,

and I am stuck
down here by myself.

You are happy,
I am not, and I hate that.

So when I'm unhappy,
that makes you happy?

Well, not happy, but happier.

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm a little shaken by that.

And you should be.
That's my point.

Don't you see?
No.

Doug,
I am not fit to be with you.

You're sane
and healthy and nice,

and I'm evil!

Carrie, hey.
Would I marry evil?

Don't--don't touch me.

My wife won't let me
touch her.

Does she usually?

Yes.

Yes, it's just the thing is...

The thing is
she's convinced now
that everything is her fault.

That she's a bad person
or something.

Do you agree?

No.

No, she's great.
I mean, I love her.

Then what do you think
the problem is?

I was kind of hoping,
for the $80,

you'd tell me.

I can't do that.

Does that make you
angry with me?

What? No, no, no.

Are you sure?

Yeah, no. I'm--I'm sure.

Really?
Because your neck
is starting to perspire.

Look, I'm not angry!
Leave me alone!

I said, leave me alone!

Hey, Mr. mazzio told us
to clean the erasers.

That's all I'm doing.

♪ Cleaning the erasers
cleaning the erasers ♪

Cut it out!

What's the matter, heffernan?

You're afraid of someone
smaller than you?

You could kick my ass
if you weren't such a chicken.

I don't want any trouble.

[Whispering]
Why am I taking crap
from that little runt?

I don't know,
maybe you are a chicken.

What?

Hey, punch him in the face.

I don't wanna!
You punch him!

I'm not punchin' him.
Get in there
and punch him in the face!

No!

Is that who
you grew up to be?
An I.P.S. Driver?

Loser!

Ok, you know what? That's it.
Get in there and fight him.

Quit shoving me!

[Doug groaning]
Oh, jeez!

[Doug yelling]

[Doug yelling]

[Object crashing]

[Doug choking]

What a freak show, huh?

[Both yelling]

[Glass shattering]

[Doug thudding]

I don't judge.

Wait!

That's it.
I--I finally figured it out.

I do have anger,

but I don't like confrontation
with other people,

so I take it all out
on myself!

Knock it off!

Sorry.

So it turns out,
by avoiding
all the confrontation

that's been
going on around here,

I actually caused
the 2 of you

to have more conflict
with each other.

So--so--so really,

it's my problem
at the root of all this.

Oh, please!
If you 2 are happy
with the new situation,

then clearly,
I'm the one with the problem.

Who says I'm happy?

I thought you were.

Are you kidding?

Being agreed with
and validated?

I don't know
who I am anymore!

I'm suicidal!

But, dad, if we go back
to the way things were,

then you and I
will feel better,

but then Doug
will be unhappy again.

We can't have that.
He's a good man.

But, Arthur,
I don't want to stay happy

if the 2 of you are unhappy.

You're right.
That would be very unfair.

All right,
so what we're dealing with
here is,

basically,
only 2 of us can be happy
at the same time.

What do we do?

So they're gonna
keep fighting,

and I'm gonna
come for therapy
once a week.

How's Thursdays at 6:00?

It's perfect.

I'd also like to write you
a prescription.

That'd be great. Thanks.

So why do you think

food has become
such an important factor
in your life?

Gee, I don't know.
That's a good one.

I guess, 'cause, you know,
food doesn't call you names

or say you're stupid.

It's always good.

Yes. Thank you.

Sometimes I feel like
food is the only friend
I have.

Hey. Come here.

Get off me, lard ass!

You are so dead
after this session.