All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E06 - Ticker Treat (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensborough bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

Come on.

How long's it take to find
your kid a Halloween costume?

Quit rushin' me, man.
You're the one

who took 20 minutes
smelling shampoos.

Let's go!

I'm trying.
He wants to be a superhero

and there are no black
superheroes.

How about this:

Get him a leather coat,
a turtleneck,

let him go as shaft?

I can't have my kid
be shaft for Halloween.

He can't be
the black private dick

that's a sex machine
to all the chicks?

He's 6.

Whatever.

And how many kids
are you expecting

to come to your house?

This isn't for the kids.
This is for me.

So if that's all for you,

what do your
trick-or-treaters get,
the finger?

Nah.

We usually just shut
the lights out

and pretend
we're not home.

Does that mean Carrie's
gotta take an occasional egg
to the back of the head?

Sure. But you know what?
The trade-off's worth it.

Come on, man. My kid wants
to come to your house

to trick-or-treat.
Can't you do something

to make the place look
a little halloweenish?

I mean, get a pumpkin
at least. Damn.

If it'll shut you up,
I'll get a pumpkin.

That's all?

6 bucks?

It's an orange vegetable
with a dent.

So could we go, already?

All right, all right. Ooh!

I'll just give
him darth vader.

I mean, he's black, right?

And James Earl Jones
did his voice.

But wait when his mask finally
comes off, he's a white guy.

What do you think?

Let's go!

Hey, how's it goin'?

What is that?

Oh, boy.

It's a pumpkin.

What is it doing
in this house?

Dad--

it's a Halloween thing
for the kids. What are you--

there will be
no Halloween in this house!

You understand?
It's forbidden.

Forbidden!

What the hell was that?

Nothing. He just hates
Halloween. That's all.

Yes, I gleaned that.

It doesn't give him the right
to smash my pumpkin, does it?

Does it?
All right! Calm down.

It's a pumpkin,
not your entenmann's cake.

We never do Halloween, anyway.
Why do you care so much?

I don't. I just got it 'cause
Deacon's bringin' Kirby over.

Now I gotta go get
another one.

And maybe
an entenmann's cake.

Whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!

Don't get
another pumpkin, Doug.

Why not?
Just don't.

Why? Why? 'Cause it's
forbidden by wrinkles McGee?

Why do you wanna
upset him so much?

I mean, Kirby can see
a pumpkin anywhere.

This town is stupid
with pumpkins.

That's not the point, ok?

I'm sick of him
and his forbidding things.

First, we can only buy
an American-made v.C.R.

Hey, the dugan-Edwards
works pretty well.

Oh, yeah, it's great

if you don't need it
to "rewind" or "play."

Let's not forget:

No red pens, no soft cheese,
no mention of f.D.R.'S polio.

All right,
so he's got some quirks.

Suddenly,
this is news to you?

I'm just sick of it, Carrie.

You know, at some point,
someone's gotta take a stand

against that lunatic,
and you know what?

I'm takin' that stand.
I'm gettin' a pumpkin.

Oh, so that's your stand?

Your big stand
is for Halloween?

That's right.

World hunger, no,
but--but Halloween,

that's your cause?

They're both important.

Right now, I'm focusing
on Halloween.

Doug, honey,
I am begging you.

You've gotta pick
your battles with my father.

This is not worth
fighting for.

[Sighs]

Fine.

Fun-sized kit-kats.

Also forbidden!

Costume-shopping
twice in one week.

If this is a dream,
do not wake me up.

Give me a break, will ya?
Darth vader made him cry.

Too scary.

I hear that.

By the way,
don't bother bringin' him

by the house this year.
Why not?

Stupid Arthur smashed
the pumpkin

all over our backyard.

Huge mess.

Plus the neighborhood cats

are takin' their sweet-ass
time lickin' it up.

He smashed the pumpkin?
What's that guy's problem?

Apparently, he's forbidden
Halloween in my house.

Man, I've never understood
how you let someone

push you around
who's just sponging off you

in the first place.

Oh, I'm gettin'
pushed around?

You're the one
who's runnin'

back and forth to a drugstore
trying to find a costume

for someone who,
let's face it,

is totally spongin'
off of you.

You mean my kid?

That's right.
Cold glass of water, isn't it?

Ok, first of all,
Kirby's in grade school.

And second, he actually
doesn't sponge off of us.

He does a lot to help
out around the house.

Like what?

Cleans his room,
makes his bed,
rinses his dinner plates.

He does?
Yeah.

Son of a mother!

Arthur doesn't do any of that.

I mean, the guy contributes
nothing to our house,

except the smell
of brylcreem and old.

Man, he is wearin' me
like a sombrero.

Black power ranger.

I guess I'll give this a shot.

[Sighs]

A little witchy-witch action.

♪ Witchy tah

you, my friend,
can go right over here.

Oh, 'cause we are takin' back
the house tonight. Slim, huh?

Yeah!

[Doorbell rings]

Trick or treat.

Hey, my first customer!

Who are you supposed
to be there, kirb?

A powerpuff girl.

We, uh,

fo-fought about this
for 7 straight hours.

Which powerpuff girl
are you, kirb?

Blossom.

Blossom?

Cool.

All right, well,
here you go, blossom.

Take whatever
you like.

A--a Mary Jane, Kirby?
Take the 3 musketeers.

I want a Mary Jane.

No. No. He wants
the three musketeers.

3 men in tights?

Feels like
a lateral move, deac.

Thanks.

[Door closes]

(Arthur)
Hello?

It's Arthur.
I gotta go.

Yeah. Come on, Kirby

(Kirby)
Bye.

See you later.

It's showtime.

Hey, Arthur.

Hello, Douglas.

Hey, look,
if you've gotta second,

you might want to mosey
on into the living room.

What for?

'Cause I just think
there's somethin' in there

that might interest ya.
Come on.

[Screams]

[Siren wailing]

[Woman chattering
on p.A. System]

Hey, I like
your costume.

Huh?

I.P.S. Driver.
That's hilarious.

Hey, if you really
want to be convincing,

make sure your candy gets
to the kids 3 days late.

Right.

Doug, how's my dad?
Is everything ok?

Yeah, he's fine.
He's fine, ok?

The doctor's in there
now checking him out.

He had what they called, uh,
a heart ischemia.

A heart ischemia?

What the hell is that?
Did he tell you?

Yeah. Yeah. He said
it's not that serious.

It's just when the heart
a-a-and the ischemia part

of the heart--

it doesn't throb
in the traditional--

I don't know.

Would you listen
when the man talks to you?

Hi. I'm Dr. Davis.

Are you
Mr. spooner's daughter?

Yes. Is--is he ok?
Is everything all right?

Yes. Your father's stable
right now.

His condition
isn't life-threatening,

but we are going to keep him
here to run some tests

tomorrow just so
we can find out

exactly what's going on.

Ok, do you know what
could have caused this?

Oh, for God's sake, Carrie,

there's no reason to live
in the past.

Whatever happened, happened.

Just shut up.
I wanna know.

What--what
could've caused it?

Probably salt
or somethin', right?

I mean, the man
likes his pickles.

Well, these things
are usually brought on

by some sort of shock
to the system.

Actually,
he said his son-in-law

tried to scare him
to death.

Anyhow, he's awake now,

so you can head
on in and say hello.

Ok.

Doctors.

They think
they're God.

What'd you do, Doug?

Nothing.
Doug!

I put up a few Halloween
decorations. That's all.

Your father walked in,
he saw a paper ghost

and he just dropped!

Oh, my God.

Carrie, it was
a paper ghost.

He might as well have
been scared by an envelope.

I asked you not to push him
on this Halloween thing.

Why couldn't you
just let it go?

Because it's my house, ok?
And he doesn't respect that.

The--the man doesn't even
rinse his dishes.

Neither do you.

I do.

I did that time.

Hi, daddy.

How you doin'?

Been better.

I know.

But you're gonna be fine.

Listen, can you do
me a little favor?

(Carrie)
Sure.

Could you go through
my address book

and call all my friends
and my loved ones?

Don't alarm them.

Just bring them up
to speed on my predicament.

Sure.

Anything else?

I'd love a pack of sen-sen

and the latest issue of gent.

Ok, I don't know

what either
of those things are,

but I will do my best.

Ok, get some rest.

I love you.

I'm just gonna talk to him
for a couple secs.

Be nice.
I will.

[Sighs]

All right,
Arthur, I get it.

Cold shoulder, ok?

Look, I--I feel bad,
all right?

I'm sorry I made you have
a heart...Thing.

I'm--I'm sorry.

Arthur,
I'm apologizing to you.

You know?
But you gotta admit,

you went a little insane over
some Halloween decorations--

all right.

You just can't keep doing
things like-- would you stop?

Could you please stop moving?

Arthur. All right, forget it!
Ok, forget it.

I tried to talk to you,
but you just won't listen,

so, you know,
I'm outta here, ok?

Douglas!

Yeah.

Did I ever tell you
about my father?

[E.C.G. Machine beeping]

No.

The man was
a rotten gambler.

Oh, sure, once in a while
he'd stumble on a winner

and toss a nickel my way.

Before he could change
his mind,

I'd run down
to Gabe's pizzeria

for some lemon ices.

Nothing ever tasted better.

You ever been to Gabe's?

It's a Bronx landmark.

Gabe's pizzeria?

I--I don't think so.

They have a picture
of a chimp

with a big Italian moustache
in the window.

It's hilarious.

Ok. All right.

You do understand chimps
don't usually have moustaches?

I get the funny.
I just, uh...

Wh-where--where are you goin'
with this, Arthur?

Well, as I said,
my father was usually broke.

One Halloween, when I was 8,
things were especially bad.

It looked like
we might go hungry.

In those days,
on Halloween,

people would give out
apples and cakes,

and sometimes, even a penny.

My father made me go
trick-or-treating

till my feet were numb.

I had to change costumes
a few times

so I could repeat houses.

But the neighbors knew.

I tell you, Douglas,

it doesn't feel good
to be pitied.

So you'll forgive me
if I don't share your love

for a holiday
called Halloween.

I'm feelin' a little punk.

Good night.

(Doug)
So you knew
that's why he hated Halloween?

Why didn't you tell me?

It's a horrible story.

I didn't want
to embarrass him.

Now you don't want
to embarrass him?

Last week
you sent me down there

to apply ointment
to his inflamed area.

This is different.

I didn't think I had
to tell you a tragic story

to keep you from trying
to make his heart stop.

It was a paper ghost.

Here, is this scary
to you? Look!

It's wavin' at ya.
"How-do?"

Ok, well, why doesn't
he "how-do" in the garbage?
All right?

Now I gotta start makin'
these calls for my dad.

I just...

I feel so bad.

I mean, all these years

I thought Arthur
was being insane

just to annoy me.

Never thought that
things in his life

actually made him that way.

Oh, God, I can't get
that image out of my mind

of little Arthur
in his beanie hat

running down
to that Gabe's pizzeria

with a nickel in his hand.

[Imitating arthur]
Lemon ices!

All right, he sounds
like that now.

I don't think he did
when he was 8.

Where are you goin'?

I need some air.

Uh, hello.
Uh, is this dottie greco?

Hi. Yeah. I have some
not-so-good news, um,

about your friend
Arthur spooner.

Yeah. He's in the hospital
with a minor heart problem.

He's not in any-- huh?

Uh, no.

I don't know if he still
has your redd foxx album.

But that's not really
why I was calling.

No, I'm not gonna go look
for it now.

I'm trying to tell
you something that--

hello?

Ok, please tell me

that was
the right Gabe's pizzeria.

Nope. The guy said

he's only been in business
since '83.

F.Y.I.: Danny aiello's
had a slice there.

All right,
so where's the next Gabe's?

All right, the next one is

"original Gabe's,
2850 kingsbridge road."

There's an
original Gabe's?

Why the hell
didn't we start with that one?

Because
there's 4 original Gabe's.

Can't we just go
to any of them?

No! I gotta get
him lemon ices

from the same place
he got 'em as a kid!

I owe it to him.

It's the least I can do
for almost killin' the guy.

A buck's worth
of lemon ices?

Actually, that is
the least you can do.

You know what? You said
you'd help, all right?

You don't wanna help,
I'll take you home.

I don't feel like bein' home
right now anyway.

This thing with Kirby's
got me kinda rattled.

I'm afraid
I'll walk in the door

and he'll be wearing
a girdle.

Hey, take it easy,
all right?

Just 'cause he wants to be
a girl superhero

doesn't mean he's gay.

You know they say
that most drag queens

are actually straight?

That's supposed to make
me feel better?

A little.

Arthur spooner.

S-p-o-o-n-e-r.

Same name as you!

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, now, come on.
Don't say that.

That's not nice at all.

(All)
Trick or treat!

Oh, what great costumes.

Listen, the man might die,

then how would you feel, huh?

What are you, a witch?

Scary.

Oh, you would, too,
give a rat's ass!

Stuart little
right here in my house.

Oh, would you stop
your whining?

He taught me to swim
the same way.

It's called tough love,
you idiot.

Happy Halloween.

[Sighs]

Was that it?

Nope. That was Gabe's
oriental massage.

F.Y.I.:

Danny aiello's
been there, too.

Ok, you know what?

Just send
your ex-business partner

a friggin' card, ok?

[Doorbell rings]

Get a pen.

Never mind who this is.
Get a pen!

(All)
Trick or treat!

I'm gonna need
about 15 minutes.

I told you we'd find it.

Feel kinda stupid
now, don't ya?

Actually, I stopped caring
5 gabes ago.

Hey, how you doin'?

A pint of lemon ices, please.

We're closed.

You know what?
We're headed right back out

as soon as you hook
us up with some ices.

Lem-eon-eonee-on!

Buddy, do me a favor.

I already z'd out
the register.

He already
z'd out the register.

Hey! Ok, would you, please?

Look, here--
here's the deal.

There's an old man

who used to come to this place
when he was a kid,

and eating these lemon ices
was the one bright spot

in his whole rotten childhood.

That man is lying in a bed
right now in a hospital

with a heart ischemia.

That's right,
a heart ischemia.

What do you say, friend, huh?
Come on.

I had a heart ischemia.

It ain't that bad.

I'm beggin' ya.
One cup of ices.

I said no!

Try pathmark.

Come on. Let's just
go to pathmark.

I need sucrets anyway.
I think I'm gettin' sick.

All right.

The dumpster's
all the way down there.

(Deacon)
What are you doin'?

I'm gettin' my father-in-law
some lemon ices.

What the hell are you doin',
man? That-that's stealing.

Not if I leave him
20 bucks, it's not.

You'll spot me 20?

Fine.

Hurry up, will ya?

[Panting]

Ok.

Wait a second!
This is pineapple!

So? Get him pineapple.

The man wants lemon!

This is banana! Damn it,
they're all yellow!

Will you hurry up?

Well, there it is. Lemon.
There's lemon. Ok.

Let's go.

Ooh, it's
a little gooey--

let's go!
Ok!

Hey, could I get a slice
and a coke, please?

Uh, sorry.
We're closed.

Aw, come on, man.
I just got off my shift.

Guy, I already z'd out
the register.

Ok, fine.

[Sighs]

"Coke," you said?

Yeah.

Pepsi, ok?

Sure.

You havin'
a good Halloween?

Oh, yeah,
sure, you know.

Got stuck in traffic
comin' home, though.

They're havin' that big
gay pride parade downtown.

Oh, man, that's a wild scene,
I gotta tell ya.

My son's gay.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Great kid. Great kid. Hmm.

I love him a lot.

Aw.

[Knocking on door]

(Shop owner)
Hey! Open the door!

You know what?
We, uh, we gotta go.

[Door opening]

[E.C.G. Machine beeping]

[Whispering]
Hey!

I got you somethin'.

I think
you're gonna like it, pal.

[Screams]

He's fine.

He had another
slight episode,

but thankfully,
there was no additional damage

to the heart.

Oh! Thank God.

But it might be a good idea
to stop scaring him.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Thank you, doctor.

[Woman chattering
on p.A. System]

It was a paper bag!

So what do you think?

Delicious, Douglas.

Thank you.

This really takes me back.

Lemon ices!