All language subtitles for Eric Ernie 2011

Eh, Harry, that lad of yours,
he never stops, does he?

Mmm, I know.

# So let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# Let's make a night of it tonight

# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# Let's paint the town a lovely white

# You buy half a pint
I'll buy half a pint #

Boys, if I don't make it,

then give my wine gums
to my sweetheart.

Okay, men!

What the...?

You buggers!

Go! Go! Run!

I been hit!

Come on, get up.

I said get up, you snake.

Ma.

I can see Ma!

And she's not laughing.

Just entertaining the lads.

I'll entertain you in a minute!

You can't play
Cowboys and Indians all your life.

Can't I?

Home! Now!
Or you'll be late for your dance class.

See you, lads.

Bye, Eric.

# So, let's have a tiddly
at the milk bar

# And drink to the dear old cow #

Ladies and gentlemen,

you loved them last time

and I'm sure you'll love them this time.

Give a big Beeston welcome
to Carson and Kid!

# But I couldn't be, little pal

# I want you to be, little pal

# I want you to laugh

# And to sing and play

# And be good to Mother

# While Daddy's away

# Now pray every night, little pal

# That you turn out all right,
little pal

# So if we meet again

# Heaven knows where or when

# Think of me now and then, little pal #

Have you got the sprockets?

No. I always walk like this.

Do you want to buy me an airgun?

Why would I want to buy you an airgun?

Because I laugh at your jokes.

Very good, but, no.

You'll have to save up
from your pocket money.

I don't get pocket money.

Well, when you do,
you can save up from it.

I've got a better idea.

I give up dance classes,

then the money we save
buys me an airgun.

Eh? What do you reckon?

I'll see, all right?

What the bloody flip are you playing at?

It's ten past!
Why didn't you keep an eye on the time!

If you get oil on that shirt...

We're doing up his bike.

It's going to be bespoke.

Bespoke!

I'll bespoke you if you don't get
moving. You're not even ready.

Dad says I can give up dance classes.

Well, Dad's talking scribble then.

He says with the money we save
he'll buy me an airgun.

Didn't you?

Well, I didn't say
it was a done deal, exactly.

Get your coat on, Eric.

And you stop filling his head
with daft ideas.

He's got enough of his own.

Bike will still be here
when you get back, eh?

Airgun.
Where's an airgun going to get you?

Will you get a ruddy move on?

Could have got changed when I got there.

Nobody's looking at you!

I don't know where you get
that daft idea from!

Got me own plans, you know.

This better not be a joke.

At 15, I'll get a paper round,

and at 17 I'll learn to read it.

Ah! Very funny. Very cute.

Write it down and use it
after your Bud Flanagan.

Oh, no. Flaming 'eck!

# I'm not all there

# There's something missing

More gormless!

# I'm not all there
So folks declare

No, more gormless!

Two, three, one.

- - One, two, three...
- Eric.

What does your dad look like
when he's checking his coupon?

Skips, one, two, three...

Tiddly at the Milk Bar,

My Little Pal, Sheik of Araby.

I think we should open
with Sheik of Araby.

Then the white horse gag.

Get him on our side,

then make him cry.

Fair enough.

# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# Let's make a night of it tonight

# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# Let's paint the town a lovely white

# You buy a half pint

# I'll buy a half pint

# We'll try to drink a pint somehow

# So let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# And drink to the dear old cow #

Then we go into a more
sentimental number for the big finish.

Not a dry eye in the house, guaranteed.

'Course it works better
if I'm in black face for it,

- but you get the idea.
- Don't bother, Ronnie.

I've seen enough.

Now, I need an act for tonight.

Ernie, I can use.

But not you, Mr Wiseman.

But we're Carson and Kid.

Well, it's Kid I want.

You can stay on,
do a few bits and pieces,

while the lad's there
so he's not on his own

but as long as we're clear
about one thing.

It's Ernie as a solo act.

Take it or leave it.

Next!

We can go straight home
and do the clubs.

We were doing all right.

Let's just get the train home.

I don't have to play the West End.

Of course you have to play it!

It's the chance of a lifetime.

You don't turn that down.

I can't stay, son.

Let's get you to the hotel.

You understand, don't you?
Your mum's got her hands full.

Come on.

You can't survive on bits and pieces.

Bloody hell!

What would your brothers and sisters
make of this, eh?

What about that?

Talk about living!

Grand, yes.

And think on.

Don't trust any bugger. Ever.

Keep yer 'sen to yer 'sen.
Work hard. Never let up.

Don't fall for girls.

Keep your bankbook close to your heart.

'Course.

And you do what Mr Hylton tells you.
All right?

Yes, Dad.

I'm proud of you. All right?

Hear me?

Good lad.

Ernie?

Ernie?

You nervous, lad?

No.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to give a big hand

for a very big talent,
little Ernie Wise!

# I know they think I'm slow

# Let 'em think, let 'em think

# I don't care

# Sometimes I run errands
for the folk up at the range

# With a five-pound note they trust me

# Perhaps you think that's strange

# But they never call a policeman

# When I say I've lost the change

# 'Cause I'm not supposed to
be all there #

Eric Bartholomew,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now I'd like to introduce
Nelly Braithwaite,

Flight of the Bumblebee.

What did I tell you?
Best act here by a mile!

I'm not wearing this again.
Look at the state of me!

Ah, give over.

The bigger you are,
the funnier it looks.

Hmm.

Never mind, son,

happen you'll lose next time.

I heard that.

Guess what first prize was?

By the look on your face

I take it it wasn't tea
with Miss Blackpool.

- An audition.
- Another audition?

Not just another audition.

He gets to audition for Jack Hylton.

Ooh! Jack Hylton!

The Jack Hylton?

Oh, well. I'll be.

Who's Jack Hylton?

Thank you!!
Thank you so much!

Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you so much, thank you.

Now, the reason you are all here,

is because you've got talent.

You've proved that
by winning your regionals.

But I'm here to tell you
that talent counts for nothing

without hard work,
application and nerve.

But don't just take my word for it.

Oh no!
There's a young man come here today,

just like you a few years back,
young man.

Yes, he auditioned for me
in the afternoon

and I put him on stage

at the London Palladium
with Arthur Askey...

...that very night!

Let me please introduce to you

the current star of Youth Takes a Bow,

Britain's Mickey Rooney!

Ernie Wise!

Why can't I wear something like that?

- It's not funny.
- It is with him in it.

Boys and girls, welcome!

You know, when I first appeared
at the Palladium,

they called me
the Jack Buchanan of tomorrow.

And who knows?

Perhaps one of you out there right now

will one day be written up

as the Ernie Wise of tomorrow.

Or the Jack Buchanan
of a week last Tuesday.

- In't he confident?
- That's one word for it.

Next!

- Smile, why don't you?
- No.

- - I'm not doing it.
- Eric Bartholomew.

We've come this far.

Of course you're ruddy doing it.

You could be like Ernie Wise.

I don't want to be like Ernie Wise.

Big head, short legs, full of himself.

Eric Bartholomew!

Go on and give it all you've got.

If you do, I'll buy you that airgun.
How about that?

Right, Adolf.

This will put a goose in your step.

Prepare to see

the finest display of gunmanship

since Nelson shot Napoleon
in the Dardanelles.

Eric.

Eric!

Have I been called up?

Yes!

Ooh! They know a sniper
when they see one!

They picked you!
You're in Youth Takes a Bow!

Flaming 'eck!

Your favourite.

And before you say anything, George,

I know tinned salmon's
not an everyday thing

but it's not every day, is it?

And, oy,

vanilla slice for afters. One each.

Bloody hell. What's he landed?
London Palladium.

Only a matter of time
according to Mr Hylton.

Six months on the road
and who knows where it might lead.

How do you mean on the road?
You never mentioned that.

He won't be coming back every night
if he's touring the country, will he,

you daft ha'p'orth!

Oh, no. I suppose not,
now you mention it.

Touring the country?
When will I see my mates?

You'll make new mates.

Variety mates.
Mates with a bit of something about 'em!

I don't want variety mates.
I've got a gang here.

And an airgun.

Eric, do you want to be tied to
a whistle all your life like your dad?

- - Well...
- - Eric, listen to me.

You make people laugh,
you're a lovely dancer

and you can hold a tune.

But more than that,

and I mean this
as the mother who carried you

and nursed you and raised you,

you aren't any good at anything else.

You told me it was the teachers
that were at fault.

Oh! You were bottom of the class
at everything except fooling around.

So if fooling around
is what you are good at

then why not do it
for a living, then, eh?

No answer to that.

What's your name again, sonny?

Eric Bartholomew.

He's a bit nervous.
First day and all that.

Bet you were just the same, weren't you?

No, not really.

You see, it was different for me.
I went straight on in the West End.

Arthur said it was as though
I'd been doing it for years.

You should get some new material.

Arthur Askey, he's a lovely fellow.

Hey, I'll introduce you
when he comes down.

Good luck, sonny.

Thank you, thank you.

Arthur.

Now, ladies and gentlemen.

I want you to go easy
on this next youngster

because it's his first time
on a professional stage.

Aw!

- I'll smash his face in.
- You'll do no such thing.

A warm welcome for the big baby,
Eric Bartholomew!

Eric, Eric, go.

Right.

I'll give you a big baby.

What you doing?

- Ernie! Ernie!
- - Ernie! Ernie!

Eric can sign a couple
if you're very quick.

I'm not all there.

You may not recognise him, the lollipop.

Thank you! You were great!
Really loved the show tonight.

- - Thank you!
- Thank you!

Ernie! Are you with us at Mrs Last's?

No, I'm with a Mrs Waite,

she's kept me the first floor front.

- And where's your mother?
- She's at home in Leeds.

Oh, have you not got a chaperone?

Why would I need a chaperone?

Cheerio!

Did you hear that?

Yeah. Even his own mother
is fed up with him.

Yes?

Ernie Wise.
I'm booked in for two nights.

- Ernie who?
- Wise.

I'm the headline in Youth Takes a Bow.

Mr Hylton has made my arrangements.

Well, not with me, he hasn't.

Try Mrs Last's on Cross Street, love.

But...

Spring. Tap, spring.

Side, step, side, step.

Pitch up. Pitch up.

Mum, you know you said
I'd enjoy show business?

Yeah?

Well, I'm not.

Oh, that were very close.
All all right in here?

Yes. What about everybody else?

Everybody's fine.

It'll be bad news for somebody.

I hope they didn't hit the theatre.

If that's Hitler
tell him he missed.

Come on, come on.

All right. I'm coming.

We're fit to burst in here.
Come in a minute.

I'll get a pencil and paper.

I'll write you some addresses down.

Is that Ernie?
Is that our Ernie?

Hello, Mrs Bartholomew.

What you doing
wandering around in the blackout?

You're not courting, are you?

Mix up with the digs.
I'm just sorting something out,

temporary like.

I'm not having you wandering
the streets at this hour.

You can share with us!

What happened to your
first floor front then, eh?

Did it not pass muster?

My digs got bombed.

Ah! Expecting you, were they?

Come on, Chief of Laughs.
You and me will have to top and tail.

What? I'm not sharing with you.

Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

You and Ernie can top and tail.

- You're keeping your socks on, are you?
- Yes. Yeah.

When did you last change them?

February.

You've got all the blanket.

Well, I'm top of the bill.

- Oh, Eric!
- See you tomorrow.

Hang on, Eric.
I'm bunking up with you again.

Oh, no, sunshine.

I arranged it with your mum.

You didn't want to
ask me about it, then?

Eh, give over sulking.

We'll all save a few bob
and you might learn some manners.

Oh, allow me.

Thank you, Ernie.

Go on.

How much have you saved so far?

Six pence ha'penny.

Jelly baby?

- Thank you.
- Don't take a boy.

Perhaps he's not all there.

What?

Your song, I'm Not All There.

That's what it's about, isn't it?

Your whatsits are missing.
It's a double meaning.

What? No.

It's a simpleton routine. Isn't it, Mum?

I was going to tell you
when you were 21.

I can't believe it.

Good night, boys.

All right. Who's this?

I thought I told you

just to drink half the soda!

I did!

But my half was at the bottom!

That we have to
be prepared in the Mediterranean,

that the air battle is continuing.

And now, I bring you
Mr Fred Astaire!

Ernie! Ernie! Enough now.

It was lovely but

people are trying to get a bit of rest.

You were rubbish anyway!

All right!

Get out of that.

The pair of you!

It's like being trapped
with the Crazy Gang.

I see us as more of
a Wilson, Kepple and Betty.

I think you'll find
there are three of them.

Are there? Now there's a novelty.

- Go on. Write that down.
- Eh?

That was a good gag.
You can work up a double act.

Cross talk, solo from Ernie
and soft shoe to finish.

Let Ernie do it,
he's got better handwriting.

I've missed this.

Me too.

You can see it every day.
There isn't a better view in the world.

I thought you meant holding hands.

I did, you daft beggar.

I'm sorry we're away so much.

Get away with you.

It's not too much for you?
Being on your tod all the time?

Who says I'm on me tod?

Ada Bailey makes
a very acceptable egg custard.

She had ringworm right through school.
Just thought you should know that.

Give us a cuddle.

- What are you supposed to be?
- - A businessman.

A businessman
doesn't walk like that.

You don't know my business.

- Do those two ever stop?
- Not really.

Sometimes I wonder
what I've started.

- What's this?
- What's what?

- - What's that?
- - A Greek urn.

What's a Greek urn?

About 30 bob a week.

Oh, that reminds me,
can you lend me �2, please?

Thank you.
No, it's all right, one will do.

Now you owe me one.

- - I don't understand..
- I don't understand.

Lend me �2.

No, it's all right, one will do.
Now you owe me one.

I don't understand.

It's not sharp enough.
Do it again, faster.

All right, lend me �2.

No, it's all right, one will do.

- Now you owe me one.
- I don't understand.

Lend me �2.
No, it's all right, one will do.

- Now you owe me one.
- I don't understand.

Well, I'll show you. Ask me for �2.

- Lend me �2.
- There's �2.

- How much have you asked for?
- �2.

- How much have I given you?
- �2.

Now you owe me two.

Now we're all square.

What are you crying for?
You just conned me out of �2.

It's me father.

He died this morning.

Oh, well, that's terrible.
How did it happen?

He was on the roof of the paint factory,

slipped, fell through,

he drowned in a tank of varnish.

Well, that's a horrible way to go.

On the contrary, everyone said
he had a beautiful finish.

All right, thank you.

Very sharp last night, lads. Very sharp.

Sharp enough to give us a rise?

Sharp enough for you
to strike out on your own.

What?

You're not sacking us, are you?

You can't sack them.

Hey! Nobody's sacking anybody.

Thank goodness for that.

I'm letting you go.

The show is called Youth Takes a Bow.

So what?

They're 18 years old.

It's more like
Grown Men Taking Liberties.

The audience wants
plucky little boys and girls.

They want cute.

You're a lot of things, boys,
but cute ain't one of them.

Besides, King and country
will be knocking any minute.

I'm sorry, lads. No hard feelings.

Ernie, uh, can I have a word?

Shall we wait for you, Ernie?

You run along, Mrs B.

Oh! Not another
blooming power cut.

What you playing at,
sitting in the dark?

- Ta-da!
- Ah! You daft beggar!

It's like Morecambe Illuminations,
only bigger.

Ta-da!

I'll make a brew
while I can still see the kettle.

It'll be a green one.
It's always a green one.

Does anybody actually like sprouts?

Shut up and keep peeling.

Why do folk send
Christmas cards so late?

I forget Dorothy Gander every year.

Sounds like a big turkey!

Well, well, well. Look who it is!

That rules the Salvation Army out.

Look who the wind's blown in!

Father Christmas must be close,

one of his little helpers
is here already.

At least say hello before your routine.

What a lovely surprise.

It is if you like sprouts.

It's a bit crowded at ours,
as it turned out.

Well, there's always room
for you here, Ernie.

Oh, yes.
There's always room for Lilywhite.

Expect I'll be sleeping
in the coal bunker.

Ern! You're missing your best mate!
Arthur Askey's on!

Ay thang yew.

Go in and listen if you want.

I'll get these done first.

You're a good lad, Ernie.

Well, it's the least I can do.

Why's that, then?

You giving me Christmas and everything.

- Why? What else would it be?
- I don't know.

You might be feeling bad
about planning to go solo.

What makes you think that?

Because if I was Jack Hylton,

I might have advised you
to give Eric the push and go solo.

How did you know?

He told Eric to do the same.

And what did Eric say?

He said you were partners
and you stick together, thick and thin,

and there was nothing more to say.

Why? What did you say?

Well, it's difficult to know
what to think.

Jack Hylton knows
what he's talking about.

There's no one bigger.

You don't need Jack Hylton.

You need Eric.

You stay with Jack Hylton and you'll
be little Ernie Wise all your life.

But you and Eric, you belong together.

You're both good solo acts. Very good.

But you're a great double act.

And you know why?

I've a feeling you're about to tell me.

Because you have a great feel
for the material.

You know what works, as a pair.

You just do.

You just need to trust your instincts.

I knew you were too bright
to disagree with me.

Do you need a hand?

Oh, now he asks.
Now the job's done.

Come on, it's cracker time!

Oh, I love a cracker.

Are they jokes or mottos?

I hope it's jokes.

We need the material.

Ay thang yew.

On Christmas Day,

I speak to millions of you,

scattered far...

Ta-da!

Hmm.

Doesn't feel the same, Christmas
without Eric and Ernie, does it?

Still they'll be back
on civvy street soon enough.

Jobless on civvy street
if I can't find them something.

Southampton Hippodrome
looking for acts.

Oh. No double acts, no vents.

Could we not we not treat ourselves
to a new advent calendar next year.

We're not made of money.

Swansea Empire
looking for dancing girls.

Well, Ernie's got the legs for it.

You know what I think
is holding them back?

- The war?
- Eric's name.

Bartholomew and Wise.

Sounds like a firm of solicitors.

Oh, his name.

Got it.

That's what he should call himself.

Eric Visitor?

Eric!

Hello, Lilywhite!

- Hey, you've grown.
- Ooh! Have I?

- No. Was it dark?
- Was what dark?

Hiding in Churchill's cigar box
until the war was over.

Hello, Mrs B.

- You ready to start work again?
- I think I already have.

Good.

I've got the pair of you a job.

Ajob? Is it number three circuit?

Not quite number three.

It's not pie and peas, is it?

Oh, no. It's better than pie and peas.

Well, it's a job.

I know it's not up to
our usual standards.

I didn't know I had standards
till I got here.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm fishing.

You don't catch fish with an apple.
You catch a fish with a worm.

It's all right.
The worm's in the apple.

Stop playing with your woggle, son.
It's not nice.

You can't talk to a wolf cub like that!

It's for his own good. I'm only thinking
of his ging-gang-goolly.

Did I say something funny?

Very nearly.

- - Come on.
- Oh, you're off, then?

We'll carry on, then.

Much-needed sustenance.

- - Thank you, Ernie.
- Homemade.

Oh, I see.

A bit of courting in your spare time.

Nothing as irresistible
as a small fellow with cake.

Come on. Cheer up.

Happen things will pick up
after the advertising campaign.

What advertising campaign?

Oh, it's a living.

Undignified.

I'm not laughing.

Victoria Theatre, Hanley?

They've already got Jewell and Warris.

Have you found an ad yet
for a couple of comics

to close down a show?

Oh, that wasn't your fault.
Circus mixed with variety

was never going to work.

- 'Cause they're both dying.
- Davenport, Stockport?

It's for panto with Al Read.

I'm going to get dad
to put in a word with the council.

- Oh, are you?
- Bournemouth Winter Gardens?

And what makes you think
your dad wants to do that for you?

The manager's a lunatic.

You'll never get paid
and when you do it's in washers.

You wouldn't mind, would you, Dad?

Paignton Festival Theatre?

They want animal acts.

Well. I don't know. There's two sides
to everything, isn't there?

- It'd kill you.
- It'd kill you, you mean.

Your mum's right, Eric.
You won't be happy in Morecambe.

How do you know?

Just 'cause you were born tap dancing
like a clockwork mouse!

The pair of you are brilliant

but you won't get noticed up here.

You need to be in London.

Do you think
we should go to London?

Ooh, you know me.
I don't go much on thinking.

Well, if you did, what would you say?

Thing is...

Thing is...

I think you should listen
to your mum and Ernie

and weigh the whole thing up.

Don't you mind being on your own
all the time?

Eric seems to be under the impression

that you're going down to London
with them.

Well, somebody's got to pay their rent

and I'll get more skivvying down there
than up here.

Right.

You don't mind too much, do you?

No, 'course I don't mind.

It's not forever.
Just till they get set up, like.

I don't mind.

What? What is it?

Sometimes I think it might be nice
if you did.

All right.

I do mind.

I'm begging you not to go.

Now, will that stop you?

No, not really.

Well, there you are, then.
There you are.

Are you going to spit it out, lad?

You wouldn't listen.

You're a performer. A born performer.

It isn't about performing.
It's about Dad.

What about Dad?

I think you take advantage.

I think he's dead easygoing
and you take advantage.

Oh, do you?

Well, it's a bit more
complicated than that.

Well, how?

I thought you knew about double acts.

What?

It's just a bit more complicated.

Let's leave it at that, shall we?

Next!

Name?

Morecambe and Wise.

Ready?

# By the light

Not the dark but the light.

# Of the silvery moon

Not the sun but the moon.

# I want to spoon

He's going to spoon.

# To my honey I'll croon love's tune

# Honeymoon

He's going on a honeymoon.

# Keep a-shinin'in June

# Your silvery beams
Will bring love's dreams

# We'll be cuddling soon

# By the silvery moon

Get off of me.

# By the light

Not the dark but the light.

# Of the silvery moon #

Not the sun but the...

You're booked.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You got a cigarette, darling?

Yeah.

- How about a light?
- Yeah. Here we go.

What's her name again?

I don't know.
I call her the five of spades.

Morecambe and Wise.

We're on.

Hello, music lovers!

Feel free to applaud
one-handed, gentlemen.

If you don't laugh then we might be
forced to take our clothes off.

Then you'd laugh, believe me.

Was that a laugh?

I don't know.
I've forgotten what they sound like.

Strike it up, fellas.

# By the light

Not the dark but the light.

# Of the silvery moon

Not the sun, but the moon.
What was that?

# I want to spoon

Pardon?

# To my honey I'll croon love's tune

# Honeymoon

He's going on a honeymoon.

# Keep a-shinin'in June

January, February, March, forget it.

# Your silvery beams
will bring love's dreams

# We'll be cuddling soon.
With me you won't.

# By the silvery moon

Get off me.

# By the light

Not the dark but the light.

# Of the silvery moon

Not the sun but the moon.

# I want to spoon

He's going to spoon somebody.

# To my honey I'll croon love's tunes

# Honeymoon

- What are you doing?
- Having a little dance.

This is my solo.

What was that?

# We'll be cuddling soon

# By the silvery moon

- What's this bit?
- The ballet bit.

Oh, right.

# Honeymoon

Honeymoon, that's what he said.

# Keep a-shinin'in June

Very good.

# Your silvery beams
will bring love's dreams

# We'll be cuddling soon

What are you doing?

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery

# Moon #

Ha-hey!

The girls don't come out this way.

No, no, no. It was you.

You I wanted to see.

That's a worry.

Gordon Noval.

Theatrical agent.

I can make sure you never play
dumps like this again.

- Keep them closed.
- - I don't like surprises.

Hey, come on. That's no way
to talk about your only child.

You can open them now.

Ham and eggs?
What the heck's this in aid of?

I found Ernie's wallet and managed to
open it with a crowbar.

We've landed a tour.

Number two circuit. �25 a week!

�25 a week?

When do we start?

We didn't mean you. We meant us.

You've done your bit, Mrs B.

Yes. We've got
a proper manager now, Mum.

You can go home, put your feet up.

And here's your ticket.
Ernie, give the lady her ticket.

First class.

First class.

Watch that you tip the stage doorkeeper.

He'll see your laundry gets done,
now I'm not there to do it.

Always trust your own material.

You know better than any other beggar
what works and what doesn't.

Now, you take care of him,

and you, you take care of him.

Okay.

Don't let him get
his hands on the money.

Say hello to Dad for me.

And thanks, Mum.
Thanks for everything you've done.

Yes, well, don't forget to work hard.

Take a leaf out of Ernie's book.
Push, push, push.

Don't go all sentimental on me, Mum.

'Ey? You're never too big to clout.
Even if I do need a ladder to reach you.

Hang on. You've got a bit of breakfast
on your chin.

- People are looking.
- Yeah, well.

People always will look.
You've got that kind of a face.

Bye, Mum.

I'll say hello to Dad for you.

Morecambe and Wise.

You're on the top floor.
Don't piss in the sink.

I remember my wedding day
like it was yesterday.

No! Do you?

You know what an awful day
yesterday was.

- It was a very emotional day.
- - Was it?

Even the wedding cake
was in tiers.

Morecambe and Wise.

Nine pence deposit for the plug.
You get it back at the end of the week.

Ernie?

Come on, Eric,
put down your urn.

You're short
and I don't like your hair.

You know what I meant.

- Oh, the urn!
- - Yes.

You meant the urn,
why didn't you say that?

- - I'll put it down, then.
- Put it down.

Morecambe and Wise.

Ernie, show the gentleman our plug!

One and three if you break it.

Pay him now, Ernie.
We might have a party.

You can't see the join, you know.
There you go.

He's got a lovely wife as well.

Can you see
a policeman around here?

- No.
- - Okay.

Stick them down!

Well,
surely you mean stick them up.

Oh, don't confuse me,
I'm nervous enough as it is.

Just give me your watch.

What do you want that for?
Look, it's worthless.

Its only value is sentimental.

Well, give it to me anyway.
I feel like a good cry.

Ardwick Hippodrome.

Lovely acoustics there.

Tell me about her brother.

He lived with me, and I told him,

"You can treat my house
as if it were your own. "

- And did he?
- - Yes, he sold it this morning.

Well, where did you meet her?

- Who?
- - Your wife!

Oh! My wife. At a dance.

She was the prettiest thing
on the ballroom floor.

I can see her now, lying there.

Tell me about your father.

He's a very shy man, my father.
Very shy indeed.

- Is he?
- Oh, yes.

In fact, if he hadn't been so shy,
I'd be two years older.

Ooh!

Hey, this is all right, innit?

It's no more than we deserve.

Oh, look it's Arthur.

"The world in his harmonica."

Second on the bill, eh?

Knock out.

Hey! Stage door's round the back.

We're Morecambe and Wise.

- English comedians?
- Morecambe and Wise.

Stars of radio. We sing, we dance!

Can you duck?

- - What shall we do today?
- Get off!

Let's toss a coin.

Heads, we'll go to the dog racing,
and tails, we'll go to the football.

Go now!

Go on, get off!

You know, Eric, you should get away
from it all. Go somewhere exciting.

- Spain.
- Spain?

I'll pay your bleeding fare!

You'd make
a fantastic bullfighter.

You make
a bloody terrible comedian!

Go on, go away.

Tough crowd tonight.

They were just toying
with you tonight, lads.

Oh.
What if we start with the slap?

Bit of violence might win them over.

- What do you think?
- I think I'm in love.

Joan Bartlett? No chance.

- Former Miss Margate.
- Future Mrs Morecambe.

They've asked us
to do an extra five minutes.

Oh, that's good.
They must like you.

Not really.
Des O'Connor fainted on stage.

Best he's ever gone down.

It's left a gap in the bill.

It's not going to be easy.

It's taken you 10 years
to get 10 minutes.

That's what I said.

What sort of song?

If we sing it too slow,
we give them a chance to heckle.

Ask them to join in on the song.
That way they can't heckle.

Hey, that's a good idea.

What sort of song?

What was that thing, do you remember
when Eric was doing that thing?

What's that?

- Woody Woodpecker.
- What do you think, Eric?

- Eric.
- Eric?

- That's a coincidence.
- I'm Joan.

- Do you like time-wasters, Joan?
- Not really.

Good. Will you do me
the honour of marrying me?

- I don't know you.
- Well, that's probably for the best.

Aren't you going to say yes?

I've got a better reply.

Oh, I see.

Fat chance.

Oh.

What did I tell you? Not a hope.

- So, what are we doing?
- - A song!

Can't you ever pay attention?

Oh, a song? Good idea.
What song's that, then?

Poor Arthur.

He must have tripped over Des O'Connor.

# It's the Woody Woodpecker song

# He's pecking it all day...

Hold it, hold it.
Fellas, hold it, hold it.

What are you doing?

The Woody Woodpecker Song.
I'm going to be a star.

- You can't do it on your own.
- - Can't I?

No! You need backing.

Here, let me show you.
Strike it up, fellas.

Are you ready?

# That's the Woody Woodpecker song

# He's pecking it all day long

# He pecks a few holes in a tree
to see if a redwood's...

Hold it, hold it. Hold it a sec.
Stop waving that thing.

Stop it, will you?

- What now?
- Now listen.

I'm just doing the, "Ho-ho-ho-ha-ho!"

Well, of course.
That's the most important part.

Isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

Keep going before
they remember they hate us!

In fact, it's so important,
I'm going to ask

the ladies and gentlemen to help you.

A one, two, three.

Ow!

# That's the Woody Woodpecker song

# He's pecking it all day long #

Phew!

Hear that? Silence.

They're starting to like you.

Ooh!

Hello, Eric.
I wasn't expecting you, was I?

Hiya, Mum. This is Joan. My fianc�e.

You'd better come in.

I'm just gonna go get some cigarettes.

- You don't smoke.
- Yes, he does.

There you are. That's two new things
you've found out already!

- How long have you been courting?
- Six months.

I was dancing up at Glasgow Empire.

A dancer. Oh.

So.

I see.

- So. Are you in the family way?
- No!

Well, you're not marrying him
for his looks

and he's hopeless with money, you know.

I'm marrying him
because he's as daft as a brush.

Who's going to be in charge
of the money? You or him?

And don't say him

because you'll be in the poorhouse
by the end of the month.

He wants me to handle the money.

Not that he'll ever make any.

Well, they've got the summer season.

Summer season? Where?

Blackpool. Didn't Eric mention it?

No.

No, he didn't.

And if Ernie's plans
for television pay off,

you never know,
I might have to have two purses.

Yes. You might.

- Did she pass?
- Never mind all that.

How come I'm the last to know
that television's been sniffing round?

George, go open the...

Three steps up to the front door.

Ooh, don't do yourself
a mischief with the electrics.

I'll try not to.

It's a right size, isn't it?

Aye. Perhaps we need an even bigger set
with them being a double act.

Very funny. They'll be giving you
your own series next.

Yeah.

What are you doing?
Nobody's died.

You don't get the benefit
unless the lights are down.

It's been given out
it's bad for your eyes.

Mmm? Oh.

Right?

Right.

Do you think this is it?

Look at us, eh?
Look at us at BBC Television.

We've come a long way.

You've come a lot further
with only having little legs.

- - Ernie.
- Eric.

Eric and Ernie.

- Pleased to meet you again.
- Mr Waldman.

- Call me Ronnie.
- If you like.

We've had Tom Vesty writing for you.

He writes for Monkhouse
and done a bit for Jewell and Warris.

Uh... We don't need writers.
We have our own material.

Right here.

I love your live act.

But what you need to know
is that the BBC is funded by the public.

So, there are one or two guidelines
on what is and isn't acceptable.

No jokes about effeminacy.

No references to honeymoon couples

or ladies underwear. No innuendo.

- - Or allusions to animal habits...
- That's half our lot.

...and marital infidelity.

What writers have you got?

- - This is Nigel. Meet Eric.
- Uh, Ernie.

- And Eric.
- When I'm not Ernie.

Nigel is a rising star here at the BBC.

Problem number one. You're Northern.

Northern comedy just
doesn't play on television.

What if we stood
on the south side of the stage?

Do you think that might help?

I'll leave you chaps to it.
Call me if you need anything.

Right. Shall we have a read?

Well, we can, but shouldn't we
be getting on with the rehearsal?

- - Okay. I'll be Gloria.
- They can't touch you for it.

No?

Let's crack on, shall we?

The scene is Transylvania.

A small bar with a barmaid.

Are you doing it now?
Is that you doing it?

A small bar with a barmaid.

What do you think of Nigel?

Well, let's just say it's a good job
he's not paid to be funny.

But he must know his stuff.

Otherwise, he wouldn't be working
at the BBC, would he?

Yeah. He's confident enough.

The material. What do you think?

Well, it's all right.

But not really us, though, is it?

You've hit the nail
right on the head there.

- Do you think we should say something?
- Can't do any harm, can it?

Uh, Nigel,

Eric and I were talking over lunch,

and we feel we've moved away
from material like this.

We talk to each other on stage more.

Not just gags and wordplay.

That's another concern, actually, Ernie.

You talking to the audience about Eric.

Well, that's our act.
That's how it works.

Yes, but on television,
it'll come across as, well, smug.

Not what we want at all.

But that's what gets the laughs,
isn't it, Eric?

- On stage it does, yes.
- I'm telling you now,

it won't work on television.

Well, it worked pretty well
on the radio, didn't it, Eric?

Let's see how it goes
this afternoon, shall we?

Hmm.

So, big night for you tonight,
Mrs Bartholomew.

Well, they've done very well, yes.

Lovely piece of finny
haddock put aside if you're interested.

Just the shrimps, thank you.

We're not letting it go to our heads.

Am I doing under the chairs?

And under the rug!

They're not going to be looking
under the rug, are they?

George, your son
is going to be on the television.

Try and rise to the occasion.

So, you'll make your entrances here.

For the Transylvania sketch,
the bar will be stage right.

Where will the cameras be,
like, tonight?

The cameras will be where they are now.

What?
Between us and the audience?

Will they be able to see us properly?
Can we get a milk crate in for Ernie?

They'll be able to see you
on the monitors,

which are in front of the stage.

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Trust me.

It works.

Now, come on, let's crack on.
Lots of work to do.

Hello, we're not too late, are we?

No, Edna. There's an hour yet.

Oh, good. Come on, Vernon.

At least we'll get a good seat, eh?

Here we are!

Oh! We're not the first, then?

Shape yourself, George.
Get it switched on

and let the valves warm up.

Look at the size of that!

And what a lovely spread.

Woman's Realm.
Home Entertaining Without the Strain.

Here at the Shepherd's Bush Empire,

we have three cameras for transmission.

That's it. Yeah, go on.
Yeah, try up.

Edna, you OK?

Yeah. Yeah.

Try higher, higher. Yeah.

Ready?

- Get on with it, George!
- - Bang on that, George.

Any clearer, we'd be there.

TV dinner,
they call this in America.

Well, dinner at any rate.

Who moved? Somebody moved!

True story, that.

You can ask any of them.
Yeah, they're all brothers.

I can hear laughter. That's a good sign.

Billy Crackers.

Best warm-up man in the business.

Now, you, madam. On the fourth row.

This camera here is going to be
close up on you as the titles roll,

so try and look excited.

Oh, bet you wish you'd put your teeth in
now, don't you, missus?

Ooh! Oh, no, keep your mouth shut!

Uh, for the forecast then,

to the North,
it's going to be rather longer

before any really good weather

begins to come through.

The depression centre
moving across there

will spread an almost completely
cloudy belt right across the country.

When I do this, I want you to laugh.

When I do this,
I want you to really laugh!

And when I do this,

it means the onion in me cheese sandwich
is repeating on me.

His material's better than ours.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

- He's good, isn't he?
- Mmm.

- All right, Lilywhite?
- All right, Chief of Laughs.

Now, then,
ladies and gentlemen,

Morecambe and Wise are Running Wild!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening and welcome to the show.

Live from the famous
Shepherd's Bush Empire!

Oh, yes!

And we hope
you enjoy our special guests,

Ray Buckingham and Miss Alma Cogan!

But first,
our first guests of the evening.

Four In A Chord.

So far so good, Sadie.
They remembered their words.

Mmm.

Chickens on now.
I mean, sorry, cape ons.

What brings you
to our humble village of Vasaria?

We're from BBC Television.

- Yes. Eurovision.
- - Eurovision?

You're a vision yourself!

You did well locked up
in that case for three hours.

You can pat yourself on the back.

The way I was twisted up,
I could kiss myself in the back.

Next time, you can travel in it.

...locked up.
The doctor calls it a complex.

The magistrate
calls it six months.

But where do we go from here?

We gotta get some money somehow,
we haven't even got our bus fare.

Well, let's get a taxi.

That Alma Cogan
can hold a tune, can't she?

Oh, yes.

Still, it's a lovely set,
though, in't it?

Nice clear picture.

...it'll be followed
by the latest film of events

and happenings at home and abroad.

Well, that's the first one
under our belts.

Mmm.

You've got to feel sorry for the lads.

Perhaps nerves got the better of them.

They were nervous
before they went on stage,

and they never came out
with rubbish like that!

- Look, Sadie, I know you're upset.
- Upset?

I'm bloody furious!

They should be ashamed of themselves!
The pair of them! Timing! Out!

Cross talk! Out!

Material! They know bad material
when they see it.

They've done enough of it
over the years!

And they looked
like two frightened camels!

- Camels?
- You know what I mean!

Not really my cup of tea, I must admit.

Give 'em a chance to warm up!
There's five more shows to go yet.

You are sure about this?

We're dying on national television
every week. We don't have any choice.

- - What's this?
- - It's a cheque.

We thought it was fair.
We're not doing the rest of the series.

We're giving you your money back.

Well, this is a first.

It is indeed. I've never seen the inside
of Ernie's wallet before either.

Now bugger off and go and work
on the rest of your series.

I've got Dickie Henderson
waiting for me.

You're both first-rate TV material.

Now go and prove it!

How do you feel?

Like an oyster at low tide.

Well, at least this is the last one, eh?

We should have said to Nigel,

we can't tell the difference
between Southern humour and not funny.

Should have said,
should have said, should have said.

But you didn't say, did you?
Not at the time.

What?

Did you back me up when I was trying
to get the scripts changed?

No!

Did you come up with any ideas? No!

You just sat at home with a cob on,
waiting for me to sort it out.

Hey. Come on! Come on!
We don't want to be falling out!

When this is done, we'll go straight
into panto and forget all about it.

There is no panto, Eric.

Don't be daft, Sheffield Hippodrome.
Babes in the Wood.

They've pulled the booking.

They've gone with Mike and Bernie.

What? Since when? Nobody told me.

Nobody told you because you can
never be bothered to phone our agent!

It's always down to me,
like everything else.

Ernie. Ernie!

What are you thinking?

- How do you know I'm thinking anything?
- Your lips were moving.

I'm just thinking,
go easy on the lad, all right?

- George.
- Hmm?

When all's said and done,
I am his mother.

Hmm.

Hello. Hello.

- - Oh no.
- Shh. It's all right.

What are you playing at?

I can't show my face outside the house!

I think we're going to have to move!
Come through, Joan.

I told you time and time again
to trust your own material!

I drummed it into you!

And what do you do the moment
my back's turned? You forget everything!

Hiya, Mum.

Do you mind? This is my hiding place.

Can I borrow your bike?

- Where you planning on going?
- Anywhere they don't have televisions.

You could try Barrow-in-Furness.

You'll soon be back. People will forget.

They won't forget this.

Here. Read that.

"Definition of a TV. The box they buried
Morecambe and Wise in last night."

- You read it.
- I did. And you know what I think?

There's nothing harder to find
than yesterday's paper.

The daft thing is, I didn't even want
to be a performer in the first place!

- Don't come that one.
- I should have stayed here.

Should have worked
for the gas board, like you.

I'd have been just as happy.

No, you wouldn't. It's a dead-end job.

You're not cut out for a dead-end job.

Nobody is. Not really.

You are.

Mr Happy-Go-Lucky. Everyone says so.

Oh? Everyone says so.

Well.

It must be true, then.

Shouldn't you at least call him?

Let him call me.

Well, that isn't going to happen, is it?

Eric never calls you.

Exactly.

How long you going
to keep this up, then?

- What?
- This sulking malarky.

You used to sulk when I made you
wear that schoolboy outfit.

Right up to when it got you a big laugh.

Television isn't about dressing up
as a schoolboy and singing, you know.

Well, it certainly isn't
about being funny.

Not if what I saw you two do
was anything to go by.

Don't go easy on me
just because we're related, will you?

I don't know how to soft pedal.
It's not in me nature.

You don't have to tell me that.

I'm hard on you because you and Ernie
are better than that.

When I saw you on that television show
doing that tripe...

Your biggest break, your chance,
and you forgot everything.

You and Ernie know what's funny.

You know what plays funny.
You know what tells funny.

You must have known, deep down,
that material was not.

What do you want me to say?

You could start by telling me I'm right.

I'm sorry if you feel
we've let you down.

I'll get over it.

Will you?

I don't have much choice, do I?

Like you always said,
it's what I'm best at.

You know what you need, don't you?

What the bloody hell are you doing?

Finding them new material.

I'll get Eric to drive me down
to Ernie's tomorrow,

- bash their heads together...
- No, Sadie.

What do you mean, no?

Push, push, push. That's what I do.
That's what our Eric needs.

Well, maybe it's time
you stopped pushing.

You're saying I pushed him into it?

Nobody's saying that, Sadie.

You were right to push him.

And I'm glad you did.

But what I'm saying is...

he's got to do the pushing now.

He's got to go down to Ernie.

He's got to do it for himself.
He's got to want to do it himself.

Well, beggar me.

You don't put your foot down
for 25 years of married life,

and when you finally do, you're wrong!

Ernie. Ernie.

Do you know this lad?

No.

When do the rest
of the Beverley Sisters arrive?

Just keeping my eye in.

Well, you'll need it.
We've got a booking.

I rang our agent.

Well, wonders will never cease.

Where did you get his number?
Directory enquiries?

Is he in?

You know he is.

Is it cold in here? No? Just me?

Directory enquiries. Very good that.

I should write that down.
Use that for your solo slot.

And what makes you think
I'm going solo?

You were practising
a solo dance routine.

It was like Jiminy Cricket
on a hot plate.

I've had interest.

I'm not surprised in those trousers.

So who you playing, then?
Grumpy or Sneezy?

Come on, Ernie. It's Ardwick Hippodrome.
Not to be sniffed at.

It's fourth on the bill, Eric.

We've not been fourth on the bill
for 10 years. I'm not doing it.

- Well, I can't do it on me own.
- Why not?

I haven't got me lollipop for a start.

Well, that's where it went.

# I'm not all there
There's something missing #

Shall I tell you what really bothers me?

Apart from your small change?

All double acts start out as mates.

Then they stop being mates,
but they carry on being a double act.

Well, I'm not having that.

I'd rather lose the act
than me best mate.

- Do you mean my mum?
- Very funny.

What if we make the act fun again?

What if we change the act?

What if we put
more of ourselves out there?

What've we been doing
for the past 13 years?

We've been a double act
but we've never been us.

That's what we should do.
Nobody's got what we've got.

And I tell you what,
if it doesn't work out,

we call it a day and no hard feelings.

So, this new act.

What would it be? How would it start?

You'll be short and bad-tempered.

Mmm-hmm.

And I'll be tall and lazy.

But we'll both be idiots.

Fourth on the bill, eh?
That's the magic of television.

So, what went wrong
with t'telly show, then, lads?

Scripts, cast, music,
director, lighting.

Apart from that
it were great, eh?

Good luck, boys.

Not now, Arthur!

- All right, Chief of Laughs.
- All right, Lilywhite.

Thank you, thank you.

You really are too kind.

And what a great honour
it must be for you to be here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello,

good evening, and welcome to the show.

- Excuse me.
- - What?

I'm Eric Morecambe's mother.

I'm afraid I can't let you in
without a ticket.

- I don't need a ticket. I'm his mother.
- How do I know that?

Did you see their television show?

Do you think I'd own up to that
if it wasn't true?

- Have we got a show for you tonight!
- Have we got a show for them tonight?

- I am going to give them my all!
- - Do you think they'll notice?

- I've had a tiny inkling lately.
- - So I've heard.

Ever since you were engaged
to that contortionist.

Well, she broke it off.

I'm not surprised.

- What went wrong?
- She didn't take to my little foibles.

Well, they take some getting used to.

- I got married, you know.
- I didn't know you were married.

- It was one of those quiet weddings.
- Quiet weddings?

I didn't go.

Where did you meet her?

- Who?
- Your wife!

Oh! The wife! I thought you meant her.

- Not her.
- - I've never met her.

I met her now.
Hello, Mum. You all right?

- Oh, the wife!
- Yes!

Met her at a dance.

She was the prettiest thing
on the ballroom floor.

I can see her now, lying there.

Tell me about the day
you got engaged.

Ah! I bought her
an engagement ring.

It had five stones.

Not diamonds, just stones.

Five big bricks.
She walked about all on one side.

Forgot what she looked like.

What's the matter?

I just remembered.

My goodness, sir. You don't look well.

- He's emaciated.
- Has he?

Very bad for your eyesight, is that.

I tell you what,

there's going to be trouble
when they open the coffin

and find him gone.

Let's just get on with it,
shall we?

The ladies and gentlemen
don't want to hear this rubbish.

Don't they? Didn't they read the poster
before they bought the ticket?

They're here
for high-class entertainment.

- Oh, right. We'd better go, then.
- Oh! Let's...

Let's just get on with it.

- Can I do the song first, though?
- - Yes.

Strike it up, fellas.

Hold it, hold it!

When did you learn how to play?

I know it was today,
but what time today?

Well, why don't you try
rehearsing it on your own?

Ern, that's a very good idea...

I've seen enough, thank you.

# You see a pair
of laughing eyes #

Now start wiggling!

But I've never wiggled
in front of anybody in my life.

Well, it's time you made a start.
Go on, get a hold of yourself.

I'll smash your face in!!
I used to be a boxer, you know.

- Were you any good?
- - Well, put it this way.

I spent so much time on the canvas,
they put handles on my trunks.

They used to sell advertising space
on the soles of me feet.

- - What do you think of it so far?
- Rubbish!

Shall we go?

# Try positive thinking

# That's what I told them and said

# Don't wear a frown
Try positive thinking

# Laugh at your troubles instead

# You've got to look on the bright side

# On hope so much depends

# With your confidence sinking
Positive thinking

# Helps you on the way, my friend

Thanks for waiting.

# When things look black
Try positive thinking

# Treat every season as spring

# No glancing back
Try positive thinking

# Trust what tomorrow may bring

# This crazy world that we live in

# Will keep on spinning round

# But with good, strong,
positive thinking

# We'll get together
and life won't let us down #

I wish I could sing
like that, don't you?

Yeah, I do.