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NO!
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BIRD CAWS
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NO!
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I know you're a vampire. And you know I'm a slayer.
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Robin!
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Prepare to die!
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HE GASPS
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I slayed a vampire!
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HE LAUGHS
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Run!
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Don't go now...
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The party's just getting started!
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- We'll meet again...
- Can't wait.
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HE PANTS
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Morning, Vladdy!
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Hurry up and get dressed! We've got slayers to fight!
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Did you enjoy the remainder of the Hunt Ball, Master Vlad?
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Oh, yeah, I had a blast.
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The music, the dancing,
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the attempted slaying of my father.
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Did Mr Grouchy get out the wrong side of the bed?
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I know what'll cheer you up...
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a nice bit of Bubble and Squeak.
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MOUSE SQUEAKS
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HE CACKLES
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He wants a man, not a mouse!
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He wants to feast on the blood of our enemy! Don't you, Vlad?
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Actually, I was thinking more cornflakes.
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Look Dad, about Mr Van Helsing, we need to talk.
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I can't believe you let a slayer slip through your fangs.
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- For once, I agree with Mistress Ingrid.
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- You wouldn't have done that 200 years ago.
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SILENCE! I let him go deliberately - I prefer to
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catch my prey in the wild. If only you were 16 and had
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your full vampire powers, you could fly along with me.
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- I'm gutted.
- So will Van Helsing be when Master's finished with him.
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HE CACKLES
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Take me with you. I'm nearly 16, I'll be a vampire way before him.
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Get help from a girl?
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WE are the men of the house, and WE can fight our own battles.
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- While I stay home cooking and cleaning?
- Excellent!
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- Renfield, you're fired.
- Eat garlic! - Renfield keep up the good work.
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- Oh, thank you Master.
- Maybe 600 years ago, you could
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bite your neighbours and battle with slayers but not now, not here.
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This is Stokely, they have... zebra crossings!
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So unless you want us to get chased out of town, again,
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- I suggest we make friends with the slayers.
- Friends?!
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Vampires and slayers can never be friends.
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- We're opposites, we're sun and moon, life and death, stake and...
- Chips?
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Anyone? Huh?
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Van Helsing dies tonight.
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It says here... "A vampire cannot enter a dwelling
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"without first being invited in". So why all the extra security?
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I thought it might be a good idea now the Count is trying to kill us!
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We shouldn't wait to be bitten.
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We should launch a surprise attack on the castle, tonight!
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I thought you said slaying was so boring it made gardening look fun.
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Yeah well that's when I thought you were...crazy.
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- Sorry.
- That's OK, son.
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When my Dad told me he was a vampire slayer, I laughed in his face.
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- Then he made me wash my mouth out with garlic water.
- Oh, nice.
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But he taught me the first rule of slaying...
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protect your family so I'm sending you to live with your mother.
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- What?!
- You'll be safe there. - But I want to help! We're a team now,
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we're the Amazing Van Helsings!
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OK, that sounds like a circus act but... Please, let me stay!
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It's all arranged, you're booked on a train after school. I'm sorry, Jonno.
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Jonathan!
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Now, all I need is a guinea pig...
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..or a stuffed wolf.
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Zoltan! Here, boy!
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- If you're addressing me, you boil-infested buffoon,
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- may I remind you I am not a boy and I resent being ordered about
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- like some simple-minded dog.
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Fetch!
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ZOLTAN PANTS
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TYRES SCREECH
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I can't sleep!
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D'you know, I haven't been this excited since 1906.
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Remember that can-can dancer from the Moulin Rouge...
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the slayer that tried to stake me with her stiletto shoe?
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Mmm, she was 'O' positive with just a hint of juniper berries.
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- See if we have a bottle left in the cellar.
- Mess, Yaster!
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Renfield what have you been doing?
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Setting traps for Van Helsing.
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I've got the whole castle covered, he won't get in.
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You idiot! I want him to get in.
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We have nothing to fear from a pathetic slayer like him.
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Throw open the doors and windows, he can't hurt me.
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Aaarrgghh! Not now, you pustular imbecile!
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I meant tonight!
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Relax! Mr Van Helsing won't slay you at school.
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He'll wait till you're at home alone.
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Where were you last night when the vampires tried to suck our blood?!
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- I was tied up.
- Oh, you had something more important to do
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- than saving my family(!)
- No I mean Mr Van Helsing tied me up.
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- By the time I got to the castle you were safely home.
- Yeah,
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- no, thanks to you!
- It won't happen again, I promise.
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Vlad, that's a promise you can't keep.
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I'm sorry, but I'm never setting foot in that castle again,
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and neither should you, Robin.
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We dump him because his Dad might drain us of blood?
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Nobody is gonna be drained of blood!
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I'm gonna find a way for vampires and breath...
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sorry, people... to get along.
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No more fighting.
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Get ready to fight, weirdo.
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- Well, you've certainly got your work cut out.
- Shut up, weirdo number two.
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- I won't fight you.
- Good. That makes it easy for me.
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CROWD CHANTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!...
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Leave them. Apparently, Vlad can fight his own battles.
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BELL RINGS
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Problems cannot be solved by violence.
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Isn't that right, Mr Van Helsing?
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Yes, you're right,
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violence is...
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..bad.
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I just want us to be friends.
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That's the spirit, Vlad.
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- I'm not shaking the hand of a vampire.
- Vampire?
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- Vlad's a vampire and we're slayers.
- What is he talking about?
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- I have no idea. - Dad!
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He's been under a lot of stress. He's going to stay with his mother.
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This is all your fault, vampire!
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The u-bend blockage led to a methane build-up in the toilet.
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They tried to get rid of the smell by lighting a scented candle.
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Kaboom! Looked like someone had thrown in a poo grenade!
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THEY ALL LAUGH
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Graham! How many times have I told you?
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I won't have sewage at my dinner table.
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- Is Vlad OK?
- What do you care?
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- I thought you weren't his friend any more?
- Sensible move, Chloe.
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- That family is odd.
- You don't like anyone not wearing a boiler suit.
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Ingrid's all right, she lets us keep our lunch money some days.
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- She's all heart(!)
- I know he can be difficult but I feel
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sorry for her. It can't be easy growing up without a mother.
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And I feel sorry for us having to be neighbours with them.
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- I don't want you going to the castle any more.
- Sorry Mum,
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I'm not hungry. I'm going to see Vlad.
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Elizabeth, say something!
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Oh, give this cherry pie to Mr Count,
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he was looking a bit peaky last night.
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And be back by nine o'clock, or else you're grounded...
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for a month!
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Eat.
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C'mon, Jonno, let's not part like this.
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Why did you take me slaying if you didn't want me fighting vampires?
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Because one day, I want you to become a great slayer.
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Just not today.
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The sun will set soon, you should
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get back to the caravan while it's still light.
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I'm old enough to see myself onto a train.
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I'll send for you when this is all over. Mmm?
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OVER LOUDSPEAKER: 'The next northbound train
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'will shortly be arriving at platform one.'
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What's the big emergency?
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Apart from the fact your room stinks.
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- It'll be dark in a minute and Dad'll fly off to kill Van Helsing.
- And?
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We have to stop him!
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Have you got sun stroke?!
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Fighting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire.
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- That and looking great in black.
- See, that's old school thinking.
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So you think Dad should hang up his fangs?
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He's stuck in the past. It's about time we made peace with the slayers.
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There'll be no more talk of peace between vampires and slayers!
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The war must end.
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Slayers will always be our enemy.
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We shall bite them on the beaches,
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we shall bite them in the fields and in the streets,
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we shall bite them in the hills, we shall never surrender.
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HE SCREECHES
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Shut your mouth, Branagh.
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- That is so cool!
- That is not cool.
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He's going to attack Van Helsing!
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He's locked it!
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WINGS FLAP
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Hello?
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WINGS FLAP Who's there?
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WINGS FLAP
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You don't scare me, Dracula, I'm not afraid of vampires!
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Boo!
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Arghh!!
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If I don't get back by nine, I'll be grounded for a month.
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Robin, my Dad is going to kill our woodwork teacher!
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Point taken. I'll see you at the bottom.
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Hopefully in one piece.
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- What's that?
- Skeleton key. - You know, you really are evil.
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Come on!
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Dad?!
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COUNT DRACULA LAUGHS
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Dad, where are you?
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KNOCKING AT DOOR
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The wolf knocked on the door...
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..and said,
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"Little pig,
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"little pig,
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"please let me in."
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"No, no" said the little pig, "not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin".
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Aargh!
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"Then, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"
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- HE LAUGHS
- You forget, the little pig kills the wolf in the end!
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- So, come in if you're feeling lucky!
- So nice of you...to invite me in.
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Vlad!
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Vlad! Vlad?
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We have to do something!
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If Dad kills Van Helsing, our whole future is at stake...
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- in a non-pointy wood kind of way.
- Someone mention my name?
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You're not dead!
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Not last time I checked.
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- Pity.
- Now, where's your father?
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Er, he's gone to Spain to top up his tan(!)
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You'll know when he's back cos you'll have two holes in your neck.
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Urghh!
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Caught in your own trap, how ironic.
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Mr Van Helsing, wait!
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We don't have to keep fighting. Let's try living together in peace!
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No slaying, no biting.
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- A truce?
- What d'you think?
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Can't you do anything right, you useless bag of bones?!
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You were just distracting me, you're as devious as your father.
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You've got it all wrong, I was just trying to help!
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Oh, you can help me all right.
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Tell your master to give himself up if he wants to see his kids again.
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Dad! Robin's not back from the castle and it's gone nine o'clock!
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- That boy's going from bad to worse!
- Stop fretting,
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- I'm sure Mr Count will send him home soon. Chloe, bed.
- If he doesn't...
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..you can always go up and give him some more of your cherry pie!
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Vlad?!
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Ah Robin, I believe you know my next victim.
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- Victim?!
- Help me! - Oh,
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so now you want help from "weirdo number two"?
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Please!
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You know, kidnapping is kind of illegal.
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Give Van Helsing a message.
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Tell him to give himself up if he ever wants to see his son again.
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OK, but while I'm gone, no biting!
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I thought I told you to take down all your stupid traps.
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You're supposed to be babysitting, not hanging around like a fool.
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Aargh! Argh!
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Now, go get Vlad and Ingrid, I want to show them my catch.
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Well, you see the thing is, Sire...
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they've gone out. They said don't wait up, cos they might be late.
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Young hell-raisers.
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Going somewhere?
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What a dump! You should really cut back on your garlic bills
246
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,320
and spend some money on a house.
247
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:45,040
- You think because you live in a castle, you're better than me?
- No,
248
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,360
I'm better than you because I'm a vampire.
249
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,880
Vampires, slayers... what's the difference?
250
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,120
I say we all stop fighting and become one big happy family.
251
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,360
What are you two doing here?
252
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,880
Having a sing-a-long(!) What does it look like?
253
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,160
You think this is funny?
254
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:13,000
Well, sort of. You and the Count have kidnapped each others kids!
255
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,280
Don't try and bluff me,
256
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:24,960
Jonno's at his mum's. Probably unpacking his suitcase as we speak.
257
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,280
Do you mean that one?
258
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:43,720
You're fighting on the wrong side, Jonathan.
259
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,360
A hundred years from now,
260
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:51,880
I will still be standing here and you will be the dust under my feet.
261
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,000
A hundred years? How will you cope with the boredom?
262
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,720
You haven't even got broadband.
263
00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,360
Immortality is a gift and a curse.
264
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:07,200
I am the flame that burns forever, never to go out.
265
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,320
Dad!
266
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,160
Renfield!
267
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,120
Yes, your most wonderful lordship?
268
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:19,960
Tell Van Helsing I would like my offspring back.
269
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:24,120
But as I told you my Master, Vlad and Ingrid just popped to the...
270
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,960
I will deal with you later!
271
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,280
It would seem we've reached a stalemate.
272
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,840
- Or perhaps not. - Nice move.
273
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,200
What?
274
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,560
Very well,
275
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:59,640
- let Vladimir go and I'll give myself up.
- Er, what about me?
276
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:04,360
- Well, yes, I suppose you'd better let her go too.
- Don't do it Dad!
277
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,600
- He'll slay you!
- No, I won't.
278
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,880
I'll interrogate him first. Then, I'll slay him.
279
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:15,120
This is the price of peace, Vlad.
280
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,520
If you try to escape this vial will break,
281
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releasing deadly garlic juice.
282
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,920
Ingenious.
283
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,640
Oh, and don't fix me any dinner.
284
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,320
I'll be eating out.
285
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,160
This is a total disaster!
286
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,720
- What are we going to do?
- I say we finish the slayers once and for all.
287
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,000
How are we supposed to fight Mr Van Helsing
288
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,960
when he's so much bigger than us?
289
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,480
I've got a plan.
290
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:26,480
Well, I do like your caravan. It's like a large coffin on wheels.
291
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,000
Sit.
292
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:44,040
Isn't it customary for the condemned man to choose his final meal?
293
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:50,360
You're not a man, you're a menace, feeding off the weak and the vun...
294
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,920
..vulnerable and spreading my evil across the land, blah, blah, blah.
295
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:58,520
- I've heard it all before.
- But you won't be hearing it again.
296
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:03,080
You're going to give me the names and locations of every vampire you know.
297
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,920
- Jonno, step outside.
- But Dad...
298
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,200
You can't send him outside,
299
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,080
he'll miss all the fun!
300
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,960
Now, Jonno!
301
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,600
We're moving?!
302
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,000
- GLASS SMASHES
- Argh!
303
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:36,200
- They're towing us away!
- What do we do now?!
304
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,080
Die!
305
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,360
- Go left!
- Go right!
306
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,280
Go faster!
307
00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,680
TYRES SQUEAL
308
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,120
Aaaaargh!
309
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:03,880
Aaaaargh!
310
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,760
THEY BOTH SHOUT
311
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,600
The stake, Jonno! Grab the stake!
312
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,040
Got it!
313
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,320
Aaaaargh-huh?
314
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:20,480
- Hungry?
- Me too... Aaaargh!
315
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,760
TYRES SCREECH
316
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,440
I told you I should drive.
317
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,880
- You don't know how to.
- That makes two of us!
318
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,600
Just shut up!
319
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:42,080
- Who are you calling stupid? It was his fault! Maggot!
- Oh, no.
320
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,200
- GRAHAM:
- Right, that's it!
321
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,560
I'm getting Robin and I'm gonna give Mr Count a piece of my mind.
322
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:53,440
OK, so we get back, then what do we do?
323
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:54,920
I don't know.
324
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,400
What do you mean you don't know?
325
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,960
This is your plan.
326
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,600
I'm sure I'll come up with something! Renfield, drive!
327
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,200
Dad!
328
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,800
Not now Jonathan, I'm busy.
329
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,360
The hearse is gone!
330
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,400
- Something tells me this isn't going to end well.
- Shame!
331
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:30,160
And we were having such fun! Au revoir, mes amis.
332
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,000
Dad...
333
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,040
I need a wee.
334
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,600
SPLASH!
335
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,320
Well, where is it?!
336
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,080
Um, I didn't want to upset you.
337
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,000
Upset us? Why would we be upset that our Dad is
338
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,000
freewheeling around Stokely with a couple of slayers?!
339
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,440
And what a lark it was too.
340
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,600
VLAD AND INGRID: Dad!
341
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,640
Oh!
342
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:18,840
You know, son...
343
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:26,720
..I think slaying the Count is gonna be harder than we thought.
344
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,440
HE LAUGHS
345
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,360
Dad, about the Van Helsings...
346
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,600
It was fantastic.
347
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,680
Who do you think you are keeping my son out till all hours?!
348
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,360
You may let your children run wild, but that is not the Branagh way!
349
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,520
Please accept my most humble apologies.
350
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:53,800
Robin was assisting us in a, er, family emergency.
351
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,720
- He was?
- You've raised a very caring and considerate son.
352
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,680
- He has?
- Well, uh, that's...
353
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,440
very kind of you to say so.
354
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:09,160
- Come on, Robin, let's get home, my knees are freezing.
- Oh, and please,
355
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:13,280
thank Elizabeth for that delicious cherry pie.
356
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:22,440
What? I can't be nice to breathers once in a while?
357
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,240
I'm a breather.
358
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,560
Ow, ow, ow!
359
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:26,960
That's not nice!
360
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:31,720
- And neither is letting my children be captured by my sworn enemy!
- So...
361
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,760
what did you do to the Van Helsings?
362
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,480
- You butchered them, right?
- Unfortunately not.
363
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,880
I guess we can't be friends with the slayers. Sorry, Dad.
364
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,320
Defeating them may be harder than I thought.
365
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,080
But it's going to be a lot of fun.
366
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,000
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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00:28:04,010 --> 00:28:08,560
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