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1
00:00:01,741 --> 00:00:06,761
Eeeeuuurgghhhh...
2
00:00:06,762 --> 00:00:09,769
Mumble, mumble...
Bleuurrr...
3
00:00:09,852 --> 00:00:11,652
It's really good, Steven.
4
00:00:11,706 --> 00:00:15,166
Right. OK, the bit where it
says, "Mumble, mumble"...
5
00:00:15,171 --> 00:00:17,931
Am I meant to mumble something
in an incoherent manner
6
00:00:17,932 --> 00:00:20,930
or am I meant to actually say
"Mumble, mumble"?
7
00:00:20,931 --> 00:00:23,011
Well, what did you do there
in the last take?
8
00:00:23,011 --> 00:00:27,011
I said the words "Mumble, mumble",
but I mumbled them.
9
00:00:27,491 --> 00:00:30,131
Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
10
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,971
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
11
00:00:31,972 --> 00:00:34,451
We just have to phone head office
in New York
12
00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:37,290
to get clarification on this.
Oh, for God's sake!
13
00:00:37,291 --> 00:00:39,770
OK, bye.
14
00:00:39,771 --> 00:00:41,330
Steven... Yeah?
15
00:00:41,331 --> 00:00:43,370
Say the actual words,
"Mumble, mumble".
16
00:00:43,371 --> 00:00:45,370
So you want me to say
"Mumble, mumble"
17
00:00:45,371 --> 00:00:49,371
so it's obvious that's what
I'm saying? That'll be great.
18
00:00:49,531 --> 00:00:51,290
Euuurrrgghhh...
19
00:00:51,291 --> 00:00:52,971
Mumble... mumble...
20
00:00:52,971 --> 00:00:54,930
Bleurrrrgh.
21
00:00:54,931 --> 00:00:56,370
It's ridiculous!
22
00:00:56,371 --> 00:00:58,090
What was that, Steven?
23
00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:02,091
I said I think it's ridiculous.
What the fuck is this for?
24
00:01:02,171 --> 00:01:04,850
Steven, we're gonna phone
New York again.
25
00:01:04,851 --> 00:01:08,851
Are you kidding?
26
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:14,890
Um... Steven, seems to be a bit of a
disagreement about how to play this.
27
00:01:14,891 --> 00:01:16,450
Yeah, I should say so.
28
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,770
We're getting a differing opinion
from New York.
29
00:01:18,771 --> 00:01:21,210
OK, well, in future,
why don't you speak to New York,
30
00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:23,330
find out exactly
what they want from you?
31
00:01:23,331 --> 00:01:25,730
Otherwise you're just
completely wasting my time!
32
00:01:25,731 --> 00:01:29,210
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, Steven.
33
00:01:29,211 --> 00:01:31,011
Bloody waste of time!
34
00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:35,930
Best one yet! Yes!
35
00:01:35,931 --> 00:01:37,810
Ah, it's the best one yet.
36
00:01:37,811 --> 00:01:40,530
I've forgotten my pencil.
37
00:01:40,531 --> 00:01:43,491
What were you laughing at?
38
00:01:43,491 --> 00:01:45,931
Just recording some laughter
for a radio play.
39
00:01:52,731 --> 00:01:54,782
Record that!
40
00:01:54,807 --> 00:02:20,823
41
00:02:21,451 --> 00:02:23,210
It's all done at high pressure.
42
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,490
It's very intense
and highly controversial.
43
00:02:25,491 --> 00:02:28,570
I suggested once to an old
girlfriend that we try doing that.
44
00:02:28,571 --> 00:02:31,170
I thought she'd be up for doing
absolutely anything,
45
00:02:31,171 --> 00:02:33,730
cos she'd been in Tipping
The Velvet with Anna Chancellor.
46
00:02:33,731 --> 00:02:35,170
But when we got into the bedroom,
47
00:02:35,171 --> 00:02:37,690
her tastes proved to be
disappointingly conventional.
48
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,370
No, I was talking about fracking.
What?
49
00:02:40,371 --> 00:02:41,650
Fracking.
50
00:02:41,651 --> 00:02:43,770
Induced hydraulic fracturing,
51
00:02:43,771 --> 00:02:46,650
or hydro-fracturing.
Commonly known as fracking.
52
00:02:46,651 --> 00:02:49,690
Oh. You seemed to think
it was something quite different.
53
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:51,530
I must have misheard you, Toast.
54
00:02:51,531 --> 00:02:55,290
Are these your crisps?
55
00:02:55,291 --> 00:02:56,970
Who's this prick?
56
00:02:56,971 --> 00:03:00,490
"Old Style Country Farm Crisps
have been manufactured
57
00:03:00,491 --> 00:03:04,290
"on our family farm in Devon
for 200 years."
58
00:03:04,291 --> 00:03:05,690
As if!
59
00:03:05,691 --> 00:03:07,410
Sterling Porrich is the prat's name.
60
00:03:07,411 --> 00:03:09,690
I didn't think they had crisps
200 years ago.
61
00:03:09,691 --> 00:03:12,970
They didn't, Ed. It's all bullshit.
It's not very subtle or subliminal.
62
00:03:12,971 --> 00:03:14,610
It's all quite in your face.
63
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:18,410
No-one has any time these days
for anything subtle or subliminal.
64
00:03:18,411 --> 00:03:21,290
I know. They'd rather see people
eat frogs in the jungle on ITV.
65
00:03:21,291 --> 00:03:23,250
It's the new thing.
66
00:03:23,251 --> 00:03:26,090
Big cheese determined to associate
himself with his product.
67
00:03:26,091 --> 00:03:28,170
Gives us a cock and bull history
of his life
68
00:03:28,171 --> 00:03:30,050
and sticks his own mug shot
on the packet.
69
00:03:30,051 --> 00:03:33,050
He's going out with your ex-wife.
70
00:03:33,051 --> 00:03:35,210
What did you say, Ed? Hmm?
71
00:03:35,211 --> 00:03:37,890
You slipped something on the end
of that last sentence
72
00:03:37,891 --> 00:03:40,490
which wasn't connected
to the point you were making.
73
00:03:40,491 --> 00:03:42,730
I was trying to break it
to you gently, Toast.
74
00:03:42,731 --> 00:03:45,570
You know, subliminal fashion.
In case you might take it badly.
75
00:03:45,571 --> 00:03:47,370
What the hell are you talking about?
76
00:03:47,371 --> 00:03:50,770
Your ex-wife Ellen is going out
with a Devon crisp manufacturer
77
00:03:50,771 --> 00:03:52,490
called Sterling Porrich.
78
00:03:52,491 --> 00:03:54,490
I presume it's the same chap.
79
00:03:54,491 --> 00:03:55,970
How the hell do you know that?
80
00:03:55,971 --> 00:03:59,010
Social diary in The Standard.
They were at Silverstone together.
81
00:03:59,011 --> 00:04:02,050
Tell you, this crisp fella
must be super-super-rich.
82
00:04:02,051 --> 00:04:05,090
Super-super-rich. Mmm.
83
00:04:05,091 --> 00:04:07,050
Super-super-super-super-rich...
84
00:04:07,051 --> 00:04:08,771
All right, Ed!
85
00:04:11,611 --> 00:04:14,690
Hello? Yes, Toast, please.
86
00:04:14,691 --> 00:04:16,650
It's for you, Toast.
87
00:04:16,651 --> 00:04:18,170
Jane?
88
00:04:18,171 --> 00:04:22,170
I've just negotiated something
rather marvellous for you,
89
00:04:22,171 --> 00:04:26,171
that I guarantee is going to
blow your socks off.
90
00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:28,890
That's great news.
I'll be there as quickly as I...
91
00:04:28,891 --> 00:04:30,210
..can.
92
00:04:30,211 --> 00:04:32,970
It's terribly irritating
you've lost your phone, Toast.
93
00:04:32,971 --> 00:04:36,770
What if a job came up,
or a nuclear war or something?
94
00:04:36,771 --> 00:04:38,370
I wouldn't know where you were.
95
00:04:38,371 --> 00:04:40,650
What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off?
96
00:04:40,651 --> 00:04:44,050
Anyway, you're in luck re phone.
Those nice people at 023.
97
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,650
Do you remember, you did a voiceover
for them last month?
98
00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:49,810
Total cunts. What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off?
99
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,250
They've given you
a little bonus gift,
100
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:55,530
because they were so pleased
with you.
101
00:04:55,531 --> 00:04:59,531
The 023 E17. Perfect sound, amazing
signal, no matter where you are.
102
00:05:01,171 --> 00:05:03,690
You could use it on the moon
if you have to.
103
00:05:03,691 --> 00:05:06,370
What's this job
that's gonna blow my socks off?
104
00:05:06,371 --> 00:05:10,371
Even has, look at this,
a mini fire extinguisher.
105
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:12,370
Bloody hell!
106
00:05:12,371 --> 00:05:15,810
And a tiny oxygen mask.
107
00:05:15,811 --> 00:05:17,690
That's ridiculous.
108
00:05:17,691 --> 00:05:21,090
What possible circumstance
would that be of any use to anyone?
109
00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:23,610
What's this job that's gonna
blow my socks off?!
110
00:05:23,611 --> 00:05:26,610
You don't have to use them!
Shush!
111
00:05:26,611 --> 00:05:28,490
And take it.
112
00:05:28,491 --> 00:05:32,491
I've got some
super, super news for you.
113
00:05:32,531 --> 00:05:36,531
Have you ever wanted to star
in a major Hollywood film?
114
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,410
Is Ray Purchase the biggest
bell-end in London?
115
00:05:41,411 --> 00:05:44,610
Well, of course I wanna be
in a Hollywood film!
116
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:45,930
Well, now's your chance.
117
00:05:45,931 --> 00:05:47,850
And when I tell you
who your co-star is,
118
00:05:47,851 --> 00:05:51,851
you're going to fall off your chair.
119
00:05:52,931 --> 00:05:55,530
Yes, I haven't told you yet, Toast.
120
00:05:55,531 --> 00:05:57,530
Sorry, Jane. Who is it?
121
00:05:57,531 --> 00:05:58,930
Is it Daniel Day-Lewis?
122
00:05:58,931 --> 00:06:01,970
No. Daniel's given up acting
to build shoes again.
123
00:06:01,971 --> 00:06:05,690
Again? What an idiot.
Well, who is it, then?
124
00:06:05,691 --> 00:06:07,210
Max Gland.
125
00:06:07,211 --> 00:06:09,170
Bloody hell! Well, I know who he is!
Yes!
126
00:06:09,171 --> 00:06:11,690
Even you, who has
the tiresome characteristic
127
00:06:11,691 --> 00:06:14,610
of saying you've never heard of
anyone knows who Max Gland is.
128
00:06:14,611 --> 00:06:17,570
He's over here shooting a movie.
He wants you to be in it.
129
00:06:17,571 --> 00:06:20,330
What? He's asked for me personally?
He's aware of my work?
130
00:06:20,331 --> 00:06:21,570
Of course!
131
00:06:21,571 --> 00:06:23,410
He's selected you specially,
132
00:06:23,411 --> 00:06:27,411
from the pages of the
Spotlight Actors Directory.
133
00:06:27,491 --> 00:06:31,170
There are literally a million
actors in Spotlight.
134
00:06:31,171 --> 00:06:33,410
He didn't just flick through
it randomly
135
00:06:33,411 --> 00:06:35,530
and stop where his finger
came to rest.
136
00:06:35,531 --> 00:06:38,450
He chose YOU.
137
00:06:38,451 --> 00:06:39,570
OK.
138
00:06:39,571 --> 00:06:43,571
There are a few minor stipulations
about working with Max Gland.
139
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:44,930
Very minor.
140
00:06:44,931 --> 00:06:48,730
Um, you're not allowed to look
at him, talk to him,
141
00:06:48,731 --> 00:06:52,731
mention his name or eat or drink
within two miles of him.
142
00:06:53,051 --> 00:06:55,451
Doesn't sound too unlike
my last marriage!
143
00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:58,651
It won't be a problem,
144
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,930
or at least a problem
that two million pounds won't fix.
145
00:07:01,931 --> 00:07:05,931
Two million?! I'm going to ask them
for two million! They're loaded!
146
00:07:06,611 --> 00:07:08,450
Hurrah for Hollywood!
147
00:07:08,451 --> 00:07:09,930
Ha! When is it?
148
00:07:09,931 --> 00:07:13,130
Tuesday. Shit! I've got
a voiceover on Tuesday.
149
00:07:13,131 --> 00:07:15,890
They want you in the morning,
voiceover in the afternoon.
150
00:07:15,891 --> 00:07:17,650
So tickety-boo, my money's on you.
151
00:07:17,651 --> 00:07:21,651
And they'll probably send you
an limousine. Ha haaa!
152
00:07:28,451 --> 00:07:29,570
Brilliant.
153
00:07:29,571 --> 00:07:31,490
Hi, you're Steven?
154
00:07:31,491 --> 00:07:34,370
Steven Toast.
Is the director around?
155
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,170
I'm Lindy Makehouse, I'm the
third assistant director. OK?
156
00:07:37,171 --> 00:07:38,610
Here's the casket.
157
00:07:38,611 --> 00:07:40,370
Climb in, buddy.
158
00:07:40,371 --> 00:07:43,370
What? You wanna climb
into the casket?
159
00:07:43,371 --> 00:07:44,770
Why?
160
00:07:44,771 --> 00:07:46,690
Yeah, the guy's here, yeah?
161
00:07:46,691 --> 00:07:48,930
Yeah, just get him into the casket.
OK.
162
00:07:48,931 --> 00:07:52,810
Just climb into the casket, dude!
And you'll need this wig.
163
00:07:52,811 --> 00:07:54,730
Why do I need this?
164
00:07:54,731 --> 00:07:56,610
Max thought you should wear it.
165
00:07:56,611 --> 00:07:59,930
Shouldn't I go to costume or makeup
or something? You just need the wig.
166
00:07:59,931 --> 00:08:02,690
We'll be on long shot,
so we won't see much of your face.
167
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:06,450
If you could just pop it on. OK.
168
00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:07,850
Well, does Max dig me up?
169
00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:09,650
Will I get rescued or something?
170
00:08:09,651 --> 00:08:11,490
You ask a hell of a lot
of questions!
171
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,410
Well, I haven't even seen a script.
172
00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:16,090
Well, Max doesn't like the other
actors seeing the script.
173
00:08:16,091 --> 00:08:17,690
I've no idea what my character is.
174
00:08:17,691 --> 00:08:19,370
Max doesn't like the other actors
175
00:08:19,371 --> 00:08:21,250
knowing anything about
the characters.
176
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,610
Argh! Argh! Argh!
177
00:08:23,611 --> 00:08:25,650
Yes, Roger, I just saw him run past.
178
00:08:25,651 --> 00:08:27,490
That's Max Gland, isn't it?
179
00:08:27,491 --> 00:08:31,491
Please don't look at him,
or say his name.
180
00:08:32,371 --> 00:08:33,970
Hey, you!
181
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,890
Don't look up. Just say yes.
182
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:37,490
Yes!
183
00:08:37,491 --> 00:08:40,130
Get me a dog.
184
00:08:40,131 --> 00:08:42,370
Argh! Argh!
185
00:08:42,371 --> 00:08:44,570
Steven, Max wants you
to get him a dog.
186
00:08:44,571 --> 00:08:46,210
What the fuck are you talking about?
187
00:08:46,211 --> 00:08:48,530
Max has been having a bit of
a tough time recently.
188
00:08:48,531 --> 00:08:50,410
What, he wants me to get him a dog?
189
00:08:50,411 --> 00:08:51,690
Well, why don't YOU do it?
190
00:08:51,691 --> 00:08:53,970
Well, Max wants you to do it.
It's a good sign.
191
00:08:53,971 --> 00:08:56,491
It means he likes you. How?
192
00:08:56,491 --> 00:09:00,491
I don't know. Just borrow one.
193
00:09:02,011 --> 00:09:04,330
OK?
194
00:09:04,331 --> 00:09:08,331
Fuck's sake!
195
00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:11,370
There's one!
196
00:09:11,371 --> 00:09:15,371
Pull over, man.
197
00:09:31,931 --> 00:09:35,931
Where's the dog?
198
00:09:37,091 --> 00:09:38,450
How long will I be in here?
199
00:09:38,451 --> 00:09:40,130
Oh, not long!
200
00:09:40,131 --> 00:09:42,090
Well, how long exactly?
201
00:09:42,091 --> 00:09:44,930
I can't clarify that
until everyone's back from lunch.
202
00:09:44,931 --> 00:09:48,931
Oh, God!
203
00:09:53,771 --> 00:09:55,130
Yes, I'll tell him.
204
00:09:55,131 --> 00:09:57,570
Hey there, little pal.
How's it going?
205
00:09:57,571 --> 00:09:59,290
Max, we need you back on set.
206
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:03,010
And Roger says
you have to give the dog back.
207
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:04,490
Did you say something?
208
00:10:04,491 --> 00:10:05,770
Roger needs you on set
209
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,210
and he says you have to stop
playing with the dog.
210
00:10:08,211 --> 00:10:10,970
No, I'm gonna play with this dog
and if you don't let me do that,
211
00:10:10,971 --> 00:10:13,570
I'm gonna shoot the dog,
then shoot myself in the head.
212
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:17,571
Roger says...
You think I'm jerking around?
213
00:10:24,811 --> 00:10:26,611
Roger, hi.
214
00:10:26,611 --> 00:10:29,077
Er, just an update
on the Max situation...
215
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,000
I say, when will I be dug up?
216
00:10:41,616 --> 00:10:45,616
Wow!
217
00:10:48,335 --> 00:10:50,855
This is ridiculous.
218
00:10:50,897 --> 00:10:52,336
Whoa!
219
00:10:52,337 --> 00:10:55,216
Jesus!
220
00:10:55,217 --> 00:10:59,217
Fuck's sake!
221
00:11:08,497 --> 00:11:09,777
Hello?
222
00:11:09,777 --> 00:11:11,816
Jane? I've been buried alive.
223
00:11:11,817 --> 00:11:13,856
What's that, Toast? I can't hear you.
224
00:11:13,857 --> 00:11:15,616
The music's quite loud here.
225
00:11:15,617 --> 00:11:17,177
I've been buried alive!
226
00:11:17,178 --> 00:11:19,617
What? Well, how can that happen?
227
00:11:19,617 --> 00:11:21,216
I thought you were on that film?
228
00:11:21,217 --> 00:11:23,896
I am! I've been here
for three hours.
229
00:11:23,897 --> 00:11:26,696
Something must have gone wrong
above ground.
230
00:11:26,697 --> 00:11:28,897
I'm not back in the office
until tomorrow.
231
00:11:28,898 --> 00:11:30,297
Can it wait until then?
232
00:11:30,297 --> 00:11:34,016
I don't really wanna spend the night
buried alive underground, Jane!
233
00:11:34,017 --> 00:11:38,017
Well, I'm sure someone will come
along and dig you up shortly.
234
00:11:38,857 --> 00:11:40,616
Give it another hour or two.
235
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,896
I'm not gonna give
it an hour or two, Jane.
236
00:11:42,897 --> 00:11:45,816
I'm buried alive!
237
00:11:45,817 --> 00:11:48,336
My turn!
238
00:11:48,337 --> 00:11:52,337
Unbelievable!
239
00:11:53,977 --> 00:11:55,777
There she is.
240
00:12:02,817 --> 00:12:04,377
'This is Ed Howzer-Black...'
241
00:12:04,377 --> 00:12:06,896
Oh, God!
'..please contact my agent.'
242
00:12:06,897 --> 00:12:10,897
Fuck you, Ed! I'm buried alive!
243
00:12:12,497 --> 00:12:16,376
What? "I love you - Ellen."
244
00:12:16,377 --> 00:12:18,496
What, Ellen as in my ex-wife?
245
00:12:18,497 --> 00:12:21,216
'But I haven't heard
from her in ages.
246
00:12:21,217 --> 00:12:23,776
'Ellen... she still loves me.'
247
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,457
Oh, Ellen.
248
00:12:27,657 --> 00:12:31,657
It was my wife who suggested
we hold the wedding
249
00:12:32,457 --> 00:12:35,056
in this beautiful country
of Thailand,
250
00:12:35,057 --> 00:12:39,057
rather than my initial idea
of Putney Registry Office.
251
00:12:41,257 --> 00:12:43,777
My parents and brother
couldn't afford to be here.
252
00:12:43,777 --> 00:12:46,656
Oh, they would have enjoyed
this occasion.
253
00:12:46,657 --> 00:12:48,096
Especially my father,
254
00:12:48,097 --> 00:12:52,097
who I know would have taken
full advantage of the free bar.
255
00:12:52,617 --> 00:12:56,617
I mean, what alcoholic wouldn't
take advantage of a free bar?
256
00:12:58,617 --> 00:13:01,656
Yes, um... where were we?
257
00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:05,657
Hey, you're Clem Fandango,
aren't you?
258
00:13:06,257 --> 00:13:08,376
Yes. I'm Clem Fandango.
259
00:13:08,377 --> 00:13:11,336
I'm Ellen. I'm getting married
to Toast, here on the beach.
260
00:13:11,337 --> 00:13:12,816
Not Steven Toast?
261
00:13:12,817 --> 00:13:15,296
Uh-huh. I assume you're not invited?
262
00:13:15,297 --> 00:13:17,256
He fucking hates you.
263
00:13:17,257 --> 00:13:19,816
No. It's a total coincidence
that I'm here.
264
00:13:19,817 --> 00:13:23,817
Oh. Would you like a drink?
265
00:13:27,617 --> 00:13:30,136
Like any actor,
I've suffered setbacks.
266
00:13:30,137 --> 00:13:33,296
Many, many, many people
have fucked me over.
267
00:13:33,297 --> 00:13:37,297
Bear with me.
268
00:13:37,537 --> 00:13:41,537
Tom Conti, Tim Pigott-Smith,
Colin Firth. Oh, yes!
269
00:13:44,817 --> 00:13:48,817
Hugh Bonneville, Nigel Havers...
270
00:13:49,177 --> 00:13:51,296
..Michael Fassbender,
271
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:54,176
Patrick Stewart...
272
00:13:54,177 --> 00:13:56,016
..Chas & Dave,
273
00:13:56,017 --> 00:13:57,336
Charles Dance...
274
00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:01,337
..the staff at TV-AM, Trevor Eve,
275
00:14:02,937 --> 00:14:06,136
Noel Edmonds, Martin Shaw.
276
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:10,137
Every man jack of them.
277
00:14:11,737 --> 00:14:15,656
But on this glorious day,
on the beach front,
278
00:14:15,657 --> 00:14:19,657
surrounded by friends and my
beautiful, almost virginial wife,
279
00:14:22,017 --> 00:14:26,017
I really think things are
looking up for Steven Toast.
280
00:14:28,057 --> 00:14:30,417
Toast! To Toast!
281
00:14:34,657 --> 00:14:36,177
Oh, Ellen.
282
00:14:36,177 --> 00:14:38,456
Lovely, lovely Ellen.
283
00:14:38,457 --> 00:14:41,977
Even a tsunami on our wedding day
couldn't destroy our love.
284
00:14:45,337 --> 00:14:48,137
Hi, Steven? This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
285
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,376
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
286
00:14:50,377 --> 00:14:52,616
Even though I'm buried alive
in a fucking coffin!
287
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:56,376
What's that, Steven? I'm in a
coffin, which is buried underground!
288
00:14:56,377 --> 00:15:00,377
He says he's in a coffin,
which is buried underground.
289
00:15:01,217 --> 00:15:03,416
Steven? I'm expecting you in
for a voiceover.
290
00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,976
I've got Sterling the client here.
291
00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:07,656
Clem says you're buried in a coffin
underground. Right.
292
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:08,776
It's a very clear line.
293
00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:11,096
Doesn't sound like
you're buried underground.
294
00:15:11,097 --> 00:15:13,016
Oh, I'm buried underground,
all right.
295
00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:16,416
You using the new 023 E17?
I've got one of those, they're mega.
296
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:17,696
Who gives a shit?
297
00:15:17,697 --> 00:15:20,696
I think you'll probably be all right
doing the voiceover from there.
298
00:15:20,697 --> 00:15:24,697
I'll put you on speaker phone.
299
00:15:25,817 --> 00:15:27,536
There you are.
Do you have the script?
300
00:15:27,537 --> 00:15:30,136
I mean, it shouldn't take too long.
I've got a rehearsal.
301
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:33,416
I'm one of the torch relay carriers
for the Commonwealth Games.
302
00:15:33,417 --> 00:15:36,416
The Commonwealth Games?
Who gives a monkey's about that?
303
00:15:36,417 --> 00:15:38,176
Do you have script, Steven?
304
00:15:38,177 --> 00:15:41,656
I've got Sterling, the client, here.
We're old mates, actually.
305
00:15:41,657 --> 00:15:44,097
Just wants a few words
before we begin.
306
00:15:44,098 --> 00:15:45,777
All I need you to do
307
00:15:45,777 --> 00:15:47,936
is say exactly what it says
in the script.
308
00:15:47,937 --> 00:15:51,416
Don't mess with it
or change any of the words.
309
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:54,896
And I'm not too fucking impressed
that you're buried in a coffin
310
00:15:54,897 --> 00:15:56,296
instead of being here.
311
00:15:56,297 --> 00:15:58,216
Is there anything wrong
with your voice?
312
00:15:58,217 --> 00:15:59,616
You sound like a robot.
313
00:15:59,617 --> 00:16:03,016
There's nothing wrong
with my fucking voice, matey boy.
314
00:16:03,017 --> 00:16:06,416
Just do your job.
That's what you're getting paid for.
315
00:16:06,417 --> 00:16:10,417
All right! Good God!
316
00:16:10,497 --> 00:16:14,456
Old Style Country Farm Crisps
have been manufactured
317
00:16:14,457 --> 00:16:18,457
on our family farm in Devon, using
techniques dating back 200 years.
318
00:16:20,657 --> 00:16:23,256
Are you putting on an accent? No.
319
00:16:23,257 --> 00:16:27,256
You'd better not be putting on
some country bumpkin accent.
320
00:16:27,257 --> 00:16:29,296
Just because I'm from Devon,
321
00:16:29,297 --> 00:16:32,336
doesn't mean I'm a member
of the fucking Wurzels!
322
00:16:32,337 --> 00:16:34,656
No, I wasn't.
Stop interrupting.
323
00:16:34,657 --> 00:16:36,656
Just do your job, you cunt.
324
00:16:36,657 --> 00:16:40,657
I was just... Just read what it says
on the script.
325
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:42,816
Only...
326
00:16:42,817 --> 00:16:44,216
Come on!
327
00:16:44,217 --> 00:16:46,136
Only the finest quality crisps...
328
00:16:46,137 --> 00:16:48,056
Just read what it says on the script.
329
00:16:48,057 --> 00:16:50,656
I'm running out of oxygen.
I'm in a coffin.
330
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:54,657
Give me a second.
331
00:16:56,737 --> 00:16:58,416
How you doing there, Steven?
332
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:01,736
I'm all right. I've just used
a tiny oxygen mask.
333
00:17:01,737 --> 00:17:05,136
That's great. Shall we crack on?
All right.
334
00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:09,096
Only the finest quality
potatoes are chosen.
335
00:17:09,097 --> 00:17:11,576
That's why Porrich...
336
00:17:11,577 --> 00:17:13,296
Hold on a second!
337
00:17:13,297 --> 00:17:16,256
You're that prick that's been
fucking my ex-wife Ellen.
338
00:17:16,257 --> 00:17:19,896
No, I didn't.
Not you, Clem Fandango! Porrich!
339
00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:23,336
That's funny.
She never mentioned you.
340
00:17:23,337 --> 00:17:25,536
She still loves me.
She's just sent me a text.
341
00:17:25,537 --> 00:17:28,696
Well, she never mentioned you to me.
Not even once.
342
00:17:28,697 --> 00:17:31,176
OK, Steven.
Well, that went really well.
343
00:17:31,177 --> 00:17:33,336
We're all happy with that,
so I think we are done.
344
00:17:33,337 --> 00:17:34,816
We'll see you again soon, yeah?
345
00:17:34,817 --> 00:17:37,936
I've been buried alive! Can you call
the fire brigade or someone?
346
00:17:37,937 --> 00:17:40,296
Yep, thank you, Steven.
I'm buried alive!
347
00:17:40,297 --> 00:17:44,297
Thank you, Steven. And I'm going to
marry Ellen next week.
348
00:17:44,737 --> 00:17:46,816
Over my dead body!
349
00:17:46,817 --> 00:17:48,776
I've got to get out of here.
350
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:52,777
I'll phone the emergency services
myself. Oh, no!
351
00:17:58,057 --> 00:18:00,816
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
352
00:18:00,817 --> 00:18:02,936
Low, low, low, low
353
00:18:02,937 --> 00:18:05,256
Low, low, low, low
354
00:18:05,257 --> 00:18:07,536
Low, low, low, low
355
00:18:07,537 --> 00:18:10,096
Low, low, low, low
356
00:18:10,097 --> 00:18:13,136
I'm the most unlucky guy
357
00:18:13,137 --> 00:18:14,776
Never felt so low
358
00:18:14,777 --> 00:18:16,816
Tears'll never dry
359
00:18:16,817 --> 00:18:19,936
Oh, no!
360
00:18:19,937 --> 00:18:21,816
He's the most unlucky guy
361
00:18:21,817 --> 00:18:23,976
He's never felt so low
362
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,936
His tears'll never dry
363
00:18:26,937 --> 00:18:28,896
Oh, no
364
00:18:28,897 --> 00:18:30,776
Low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low
365
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:34,176
Low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low
366
00:18:34,177 --> 00:18:38,177
Low, low, low, low
Low, low, low, low.
367
00:18:41,697 --> 00:18:44,656
Mustn't scream.
Must preserve oxygen.
368
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:47,056
But I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
369
00:18:47,057 --> 00:18:51,057
What the...?
370
00:18:53,857 --> 00:18:57,857
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
371
00:19:02,537 --> 00:19:06,537
I'm saved! I'm saved!
372
00:19:09,257 --> 00:19:10,856
Steven.
373
00:19:10,857 --> 00:19:14,016
Managed to get out, then, from being
buried alive in that coffin?
374
00:19:14,017 --> 00:19:17,096
I was saved. Due to fracking
on the exact spot.
375
00:19:17,097 --> 00:19:18,976
Where's Sterling Porrich?
376
00:19:18,977 --> 00:19:22,256
I'm Porrich. What the fuck's
it got to do with you?
377
00:19:22,257 --> 00:19:24,936
Well, he looks nothing like
the man on the crisp packets.
378
00:19:24,937 --> 00:19:28,096
Oh, I'm him, all right.
And I'm getting married to Ellen.
379
00:19:28,097 --> 00:19:30,056
So screw you. Really?
380
00:19:30,057 --> 00:19:34,057
Give me that bat.
381
00:20:18,937 --> 00:20:20,657
Ouch!
382
00:20:24,017 --> 00:20:25,537
What's up, Steven?
383
00:20:25,537 --> 00:20:27,856
It's from Ellen.
384
00:20:27,857 --> 00:20:31,857
"Soz, but that last message
was meant for someone else."
385
00:20:35,257 --> 00:20:38,056
She probably meant to send it
to Sterling.
386
00:20:38,057 --> 00:20:41,016
Probably, yeah.
387
00:20:41,017 --> 00:20:45,017
Excuse that.
388
00:20:47,417 --> 00:20:51,417
It's not even him, you know.
It's some other farmer.
389
00:20:51,937 --> 00:20:55,937
Still, good news about the fracking,
eh? Very lucky.
390
00:20:56,217 --> 00:20:58,096
Damn lucky.
391
00:20:58,097 --> 00:21:01,216
They started drilling at six in the
morning to avoid the protestors.
392
00:21:01,217 --> 00:21:03,056
And the doctor reckoned I only had
393
00:21:03,057 --> 00:21:05,536
another ten seconds' worth
of oxygen left!
394
00:21:05,537 --> 00:21:08,896
Ten seconds? That's cutting
it pretty fine!
395
00:21:08,897 --> 00:21:12,376
So, Porridge is still going to
marry Ellen, I presume?
396
00:21:12,377 --> 00:21:14,656
Once he's recovered
from his injuries.
397
00:21:14,657 --> 00:21:16,296
This is a big blow for me, Ed.
398
00:21:16,297 --> 00:21:20,297
It's gonna take me
a while to get over it.
399
00:21:22,057 --> 00:21:26,057
It's been two months now, Toast.
400
00:21:27,137 --> 00:21:31,137
God, I hate Sterling Porrich!
401
00:21:31,737 --> 00:21:34,736
You're just gonna have
to get over it.
402
00:21:34,737 --> 00:21:37,016
Yeah, I suppose you're right, Ed.
403
00:21:37,017 --> 00:21:39,856
You're only feeling bad because
you gave a man in a wheelchair
404
00:21:39,857 --> 00:21:42,216
a severe thrashing
with a baseball bat.
405
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,856
I don't regret that, Ed.
406
00:21:43,857 --> 00:21:46,896
Any man in my position
would have done the same.
407
00:21:46,897 --> 00:21:50,897
I just can't stomach the fact that
he's still going to marry Ellen.
408
00:21:50,937 --> 00:21:52,576
Look, Toast.
409
00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:55,376
You've got to get out
into the world again.
410
00:21:55,377 --> 00:21:56,776
Think positive.
411
00:21:56,777 --> 00:21:59,856
Do something useful.
412
00:21:59,857 --> 00:22:02,936
Now, what could you do?
413
00:22:02,937 --> 00:22:06,256
Well, actually, there is something
else that's been playing on my mind.
414
00:22:06,257 --> 00:22:07,776
What?
415
00:22:07,777 --> 00:22:11,777
I did a great wrong
that I'd like to put right.
416
00:22:15,897 --> 00:22:19,897
Sorry...
417
00:22:20,097 --> 00:22:21,776
This is for you.
418
00:22:21,777 --> 00:22:23,937
Your dog was shot, I'm afraid.
419
00:22:34,417 --> 00:22:38,417
All right.
420
00:22:45,457 --> 00:23:11,768
421
00:23:11,818 --> 00:23:16,368
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