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1
00:00:02,313 --> 00:00:06,282
Look at that bump. Congratulations.
2
00:00:06,350 --> 00:00:09,093
- Thank you.
- I hope that's decaf.
3
00:00:09,162 --> 00:00:12,363
- It is.
- Looking good, mama-to-be.
4
00:00:12,432 --> 00:00:14,718
But it's time
for some maternity clothes.
5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,833
You don't want to squish the baby.
6
00:00:17,578 --> 00:00:19,140
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] Sure don't.
7
00:00:19,172 --> 00:00:21,606
Hey, sorry that took so long,
but you know the rules.
8
00:00:21,675 --> 00:00:23,308
I go to the grocery store,
I get a treat.
9
00:00:23,376 --> 00:00:24,976
And the lady saw you were pregnant,
10
00:00:25,045 --> 00:00:26,811
so I got a free pretzel.
11
00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:28,607
Hey, I noticed you got cat litter.
12
00:00:28,632 --> 00:00:29,928
You should get rid of your cat.
13
00:00:29,953 --> 00:00:31,216
They have parasites in their poo
14
00:00:31,284 --> 00:00:32,784
that could eat your baby's brain.
15
00:00:33,179 --> 00:00:34,982
Oh, thanks for the tip, bro.
16
00:00:35,007 --> 00:00:38,289
Wow, people are so helpful
when you're pregnant.
17
00:00:38,358 --> 00:00:39,791
Hey, babe, door?
18
00:00:40,789 --> 00:00:42,026
[SIGHS]
19
00:00:42,165 --> 00:00:46,664
synced and corrected by susinz
*www.addic7ed.com*
20
00:00:48,268 --> 00:00:50,935
Welcome, my dazzling divas.
21
00:00:51,004 --> 00:00:52,904
Are you ladies familiar
with Bishop and Boo?
22
00:00:52,973 --> 00:00:56,441
It's the world's third-largest
direct-sales cosmetics company.
23
00:00:56,510 --> 00:00:58,810
I'd love to get you acquainted.
24
00:00:58,879 --> 00:01:01,713
- Are you ill?
- No, I'm broke.
25
00:01:01,781 --> 00:01:03,882
I had to lease my horse, Passing Fancy,
26
00:01:03,950 --> 00:01:06,417
to a third grader, and
she rides Western, not English.
27
00:01:06,486 --> 00:01:08,085
It's been a nightmare.
28
00:01:09,256 --> 00:01:11,456
So now I'm selling the finest
29
00:01:11,525 --> 00:01:13,306
wholesale cosmetics on the market.
30
00:01:13,331 --> 00:01:18,366
And if I move enough product,
I get a white Jetta!
31
00:01:19,799 --> 00:01:22,865
So who wants a makeover? Chelsea?
32
00:01:22,890 --> 00:01:24,802
[SCOFFS] I don't buy
suburban-housewife makeup.
33
00:01:24,871 --> 00:01:27,005
I wear classy makeup, like MAC.
34
00:01:29,943 --> 00:01:31,843
Cecelia, are you eating a ginger root?
35
00:01:31,912 --> 00:01:32,977
Yeah.
36
00:01:33,046 --> 00:01:34,746
I haven't had time to cook lately,
37
00:01:34,814 --> 00:01:36,748
and they don't have any vegan
options on the cafeteria.
38
00:01:36,816 --> 00:01:38,917
So I just grabbed this on the way out.
39
00:01:38,985 --> 00:01:40,251
It's gross.
40
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,786
Why don't you just flavor trip?
41
00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:44,092
- What's that?
- It's this hot new trend
42
00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:45,390
where you take a pill and it makes
43
00:01:45,458 --> 00:01:46,875
disgusting food taste good.
44
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:50,268
Seriously, you drink vinegar,
and it tastes like grape juice.
45
00:01:50,786 --> 00:01:52,710
That's how I got down to a size 0.
46
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,648
And I am a size zero.
47
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,232
- Stop looking at me.
- Oh, I'll have to get some.
48
00:02:01,257 --> 00:02:03,341
- Oh, I've got some.
- Oh, not that one.
49
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:05,009
That's for something else.
50
00:02:05,078 --> 00:02:07,312
- Good morning, Deb...
- No, it's not.
51
00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:11,082
I've got insane heartburn from
an ice cream and sardine binge,
52
00:02:11,151 --> 00:02:14,485
my butthole's pumping more gas
than the Alaskan pipeline,
53
00:02:14,554 --> 00:02:16,351
and I have Shrek feet.
54
00:02:16,656 --> 00:02:18,156
This pregnancy crap's overwhelming.
55
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,791
Why don't you join a mommy group?
56
00:02:19,859 --> 00:02:21,392
That way, you can
share your frustrations
57
00:02:21,461 --> 00:02:23,375
with other women who are
going through the same thing.
58
00:02:23,570 --> 00:02:26,225
Maybe, as long as they don't
call me a mommy.
59
00:02:26,250 --> 00:02:27,899
Might I suggest making a good impression
60
00:02:27,968 --> 00:02:30,568
on your new friends with some
"Won't Fade With The Day"
61
00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:32,476
eyeliner in emerald mist?
62
00:02:33,666 --> 00:02:35,022
Get a life.
63
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:38,142
Sorry, Ian, but when your grades slip,
64
00:02:38,211 --> 00:02:39,577
and you bring a honeydew melon
65
00:02:39,646 --> 00:02:41,312
from home to throw at your classmates,
66
00:02:41,381 --> 00:02:43,248
your mom and dad get called in.
67
00:02:43,316 --> 00:02:45,049
Them's the rules.
68
00:02:45,118 --> 00:02:47,952
- Ms. Bennigan?
- Oh, Mr. Mund, hi.
69
00:02:48,021 --> 00:02:49,754
- You can call me Lonny.
- It's nice to meet you.
70
00:02:49,823 --> 00:02:51,689
You too. Hey, bud.
71
00:02:51,758 --> 00:02:53,825
Ian, would you mind
stepping out for a sec
72
00:02:53,893 --> 00:02:55,927
so we can have a grown-up powwow?
73
00:02:55,996 --> 00:02:58,162
- Sure.
- Okay, I love you.
74
00:02:58,231 --> 00:03:00,546
- Please have a seat.
- [GROANS]
75
00:03:00,625 --> 00:03:02,500
Uh, where's Mrs. Mund?
76
00:03:02,569 --> 00:03:04,202
Oh, probably picking up her human suit
77
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,789
from the dry cleaner's so
no one knows she's the devil.
78
00:03:08,406 --> 00:03:09,540
I don't know if Ian told you,
79
00:03:09,609 --> 00:03:10,908
but we are going through a divorce.
80
00:03:10,977 --> 00:03:12,744
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
81
00:03:12,812 --> 00:03:14,946
That probably explains
why he's falling behind.
82
00:03:15,015 --> 00:03:18,116
Yeah, the custody dispute
has been a total nightmare,
83
00:03:18,184 --> 00:03:20,652
thanks to my harpy, Medusa wife.
84
00:03:22,055 --> 00:03:23,087
Sorry.
85
00:03:24,093 --> 00:03:25,723
Why don't we just call her Paula?
86
00:03:26,007 --> 00:03:27,914
Sure. "Paula."
87
00:03:28,461 --> 00:03:30,498
You see, Ian is adopted,
88
00:03:30,523 --> 00:03:32,497
and since it was Paula's initial idea,
89
00:03:32,565 --> 00:03:34,265
she's been using that as leverage
90
00:03:34,334 --> 00:03:35,466
to try and get full custody.
91
00:03:35,535 --> 00:03:37,235
I wasn't aware he was adopted.
92
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:40,104
Chechnya.
Lovely people, but what a dump.
93
00:03:40,173 --> 00:03:42,140
The whole place smells like fish.
94
00:03:42,208 --> 00:03:44,008
You know, I have a question for you.
95
00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:46,044
Do you think that Ian needs a tutor?
96
00:03:46,112 --> 00:03:49,147
Oh, no, I don't think that's necessary.
97
00:03:49,215 --> 00:03:52,450
And it sounds like you've got
a lot on your plate as is.
98
00:03:52,519 --> 00:03:54,919
Tell you what,
I'll give Ian a little extra
99
00:03:54,988 --> 00:03:58,523
one-on-one attention,
and you keep him away from...
100
00:03:58,591 --> 00:04:00,391
- My garbage wife.
- I was gonna say
101
00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:03,361
all the negativity.
Oh, same thing, but sure.
102
00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:05,096
Okay.
103
00:04:05,165 --> 00:04:06,390
[FUNKY MUSIC]
104
00:04:08,390 --> 00:04:09,934
Oh.
105
00:04:10,970 --> 00:04:12,103
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]
106
00:04:12,172 --> 00:04:14,172
Painting your nails? Me too.
107
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,908
I'm using Bishop and Boo's
"No Chip, Look Hip"
108
00:04:16,976 --> 00:04:19,043
glossy nail polish in Persian pink.
109
00:04:19,112 --> 00:04:20,953
It lasts up to seven weeks.
110
00:04:21,548 --> 00:04:22,880
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]
111
00:04:22,949 --> 00:04:24,582
- Ms. Snap?
- Hmm?
112
00:04:24,651 --> 00:04:27,125
I can't go down the slide. It's full.
113
00:04:27,150 --> 00:04:28,281
What?
114
00:04:28,822 --> 00:04:30,154
Oh! Hi, Chelsea.
115
00:04:30,223 --> 00:04:32,076
I didn't expect to see you here.
116
00:04:32,101 --> 00:04:33,756
I'm just applying Bishop and Boo's
117
00:04:33,781 --> 00:04:37,028
all-natural "Spoil My Body"
butter chiffon creme.
118
00:04:37,097 --> 00:04:40,698
It boosts collagen and won't
leave my skin feeling oily.
119
00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:44,873
[SCREAMS] You are like
the freakin' Babadook.
120
00:04:44,898 --> 00:04:46,137
What is wrong with you?
121
00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:48,506
I'll tell you
what's not wrong with me...
122
00:04:48,575 --> 00:04:50,475
dry, chapped lips.
123
00:04:50,543 --> 00:04:51,843
Thanks to Bishop and Boo's
124
00:04:51,911 --> 00:04:53,711
"Perfectly Plump Pout" lip balm,
125
00:04:53,780 --> 00:04:56,114
my lips are as soft as a seal's.
126
00:04:56,182 --> 00:04:58,649
Oh, my God, Caroline. Give it a rest.
127
00:04:58,718 --> 00:04:59,817
Okay, fine.
128
00:04:59,886 --> 00:05:01,853
I'm sorry I've been such a pest.
129
00:05:01,921 --> 00:05:04,055
I just figured that your face
130
00:05:04,124 --> 00:05:06,424
would be the perfect canvas
for the product.
131
00:05:06,757 --> 00:05:10,328
I mean, if people saw someone
as flawless as you
132
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:13,297
wearing the makeup,
it would sell itself.
133
00:05:13,366 --> 00:05:15,066
Well, that makes a lot of sense.
134
00:05:15,135 --> 00:05:17,268
A man who claimed he was
a model scout at the mall
135
00:05:17,337 --> 00:05:18,369
told me the same thing.
136
00:05:18,438 --> 00:05:20,238
So... does that mean
137
00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:22,540
I get to give you
a Bishop and Boo makeover?
138
00:05:22,609 --> 00:05:23,632
- Sure.
- [GASPS]
139
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,140
But only if you promise to put me
140
00:05:25,165 --> 00:05:27,726
on your professional
Facebook page and LinkedIn.
141
00:05:29,015 --> 00:05:30,982
LinkedIn is a perfect dating Website.
142
00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:32,884
I can literally search "CEO."
143
00:05:32,952 --> 00:05:34,437
[ROCK MUSIC]
144
00:05:34,921 --> 00:05:37,855
So, mommies, we have
a new mommy in the group.
145
00:05:37,924 --> 00:05:40,725
Please help me welcome
Mrs. Deborah Adler.
146
00:05:40,794 --> 00:05:43,828
- It's just Deb.
- And I'm just Damien.
147
00:05:43,897 --> 00:05:46,063
I'm the husband. We're pregnant.
148
00:05:46,132 --> 00:05:48,399
Mm. Such a special time.
149
00:05:48,468 --> 00:05:51,101
Why don't you tell us all
about your birth plan?
150
00:05:51,148 --> 00:05:52,603
There isn't really a plan.
151
00:05:52,672 --> 00:05:54,071
I'm just gonna go to the hospital,
152
00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:56,741
get drugged up, and blast this baby out.
153
00:05:56,810 --> 00:05:58,000
[GASPS]
154
00:05:58,912 --> 00:06:00,546
You're not having a natural birth?
155
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:02,780
No, I want all the drugs.
156
00:06:02,849 --> 00:06:05,082
Yeah, not all the drugs,
just the safe ones.
157
00:06:05,151 --> 00:06:07,485
Oh, there are no safe ones.
Isn't that right, Siobhan?
158
00:06:07,554 --> 00:06:10,121
Yeah, they're all dangerous.
159
00:06:10,190 --> 00:06:13,891
Deborah, this is a judgment-free zone,
160
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,093
but your decision is terrible.
161
00:06:16,162 --> 00:06:18,863
Do you want your baby to be born high?
162
00:06:19,273 --> 00:06:21,420
I gave birth
to all of my children at home
163
00:06:21,445 --> 00:06:22,633
in our infinity hot tub.
164
00:06:22,702 --> 00:06:26,373
- They just floated right out.
- It was blissful.
165
00:06:26,398 --> 00:06:28,351
Yeah, I think
I'm good with the hospital.
166
00:06:28,376 --> 00:06:29,773
You're wrong!
167
00:06:30,310 --> 00:06:33,611
I'm sorry. Just because you've
chosen to harm your child
168
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,079
doesn't mean I should be rude.
169
00:06:35,148 --> 00:06:37,898
Okay, I gave it a shot.
Let's go, Damien.
170
00:06:40,945 --> 00:06:42,171
Damien.
171
00:06:43,189 --> 00:06:45,890
Fine, but just know
if you get the epidural,
172
00:06:45,959 --> 00:06:47,625
you won't feel the orgasmic release
173
00:06:47,694 --> 00:06:49,794
of oxytocin as you crown!
174
00:06:49,863 --> 00:06:51,039
[DOOR SLAMS]
175
00:06:51,731 --> 00:06:53,331
She heard me.
176
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,257
Mmm.
177
00:06:58,225 --> 00:07:00,592
Mmm. Ahh.
178
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:02,940
Thanks for letting me eat in here.
179
00:07:03,009 --> 00:07:05,109
Caroline banished me
from the teacher's lounge.
180
00:07:05,178 --> 00:07:07,545
She said the stench of my food
was impeding her sales.
181
00:07:07,614 --> 00:07:10,414
Yeah, I got to say, it's hard
to watch you eat this stuff.
182
00:07:10,483 --> 00:07:12,116
Oh, it's delicious.
183
00:07:12,185 --> 00:07:14,485
The horseradish tastes like dessert.
184
00:07:14,554 --> 00:07:15,653
Flavor tripping works.
185
00:07:15,722 --> 00:07:16,929
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
186
00:07:17,423 --> 00:07:18,923
Ooh, got to go.
187
00:07:18,992 --> 00:07:20,291
Fourth grade lunch is over,
188
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,026
and the lunch lady said I could have
189
00:07:22,095 --> 00:07:23,875
the leftover tater-tot grease.
190
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:29,934
Oh, hello, Mrs. Mund.
It's so good to see you.
191
00:07:30,003 --> 00:07:31,669
Why did you tell my shrimp-dick husband
192
00:07:31,738 --> 00:07:32,803
to cancel the tutor?
193
00:07:32,872 --> 00:07:34,205
What? I didn't.
194
00:07:34,274 --> 00:07:36,908
Uh, you said the tutor
was "unnecessary,"
195
00:07:36,976 --> 00:07:39,677
so that walking dildo
canceled Ian's sessions,
196
00:07:39,746 --> 00:07:41,012
which I already paid for.
197
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,481
I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I...
198
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,749
[BABBLING MOCKINGLY]
199
00:07:44,817 --> 00:07:46,083
Stay out of my family's business.
200
00:07:46,152 --> 00:07:47,418
I don't want your opinion
201
00:07:47,487 --> 00:07:49,484
unless you're my attorney or Raoul.
202
00:07:53,945 --> 00:07:55,507
You must be Raoul.
203
00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:58,439
Raoul!
204
00:07:58,464 --> 00:07:59,781
[ROCK MUSIC]
205
00:08:02,802 --> 00:08:05,703
As a lactation expert,
I highly recommend
206
00:08:05,772 --> 00:08:07,338
you join La Leche League.
207
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:10,942
It's a community that believes
the child should decide
208
00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:12,343
when breastfeeding ends.
209
00:08:12,412 --> 00:08:15,646
- Totally. We love that idea.
- Oh, do we?
210
00:08:15,715 --> 00:08:19,116
Sorry, but when does the child
usually decide to stop?
211
00:08:19,185 --> 00:08:22,242
Some breastfeed
for as long as 72 months.
212
00:08:22,507 --> 00:08:24,922
- Wow. That sounds awesome.
- Does it?
213
00:08:24,991 --> 00:08:26,657
'Cause, personally, I don't want to have
214
00:08:26,726 --> 00:08:28,392
a six-year-old feasting on my tits.
215
00:08:28,461 --> 00:08:31,562
It is important for
a child's psychological health
216
00:08:31,631 --> 00:08:33,664
that they decide when to wean.
217
00:08:34,117 --> 00:08:35,733
You don't want them to feel rejected.
218
00:08:35,802 --> 00:08:37,201
I got to say, Deb...
219
00:08:37,270 --> 00:08:38,970
all the breasts
I've been denied in my life,
220
00:08:39,038 --> 00:08:40,972
that really had an effect
on my self-esteem.
221
00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:42,953
We should think about this.
222
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,610
I'll think about this,
because it'll be my nipples
223
00:08:45,678 --> 00:08:48,913
being gnawed on until the kid
gets their driver's license.
224
00:08:48,982 --> 00:08:51,242
My tits, my choice!
225
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,578
[SIGHS]
226
00:09:00,793 --> 00:09:02,793
Hey, Deb Adler here...
227
00:09:02,862 --> 00:09:05,596
fully preggers, and giving zero Fs.
228
00:09:05,665 --> 00:09:07,131
You know what I'm sick of?
229
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,401
Everyone telling me what to do
with my pregnancy.
230
00:09:10,470 --> 00:09:12,937
Mommy groups, lactation coaches,
231
00:09:13,006 --> 00:09:16,474
blogs, books, magazines,
bowling alley attendants.
232
00:09:16,542 --> 00:09:18,075
It's endless.
233
00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:19,977
But just so all of you people
234
00:09:20,046 --> 00:09:22,146
who've given me advice
know you've been heard,
235
00:09:22,215 --> 00:09:24,203
I'm gonna respond
to each and every one of you.
236
00:09:24,851 --> 00:09:26,117
[BLEEP] you.
237
00:09:26,185 --> 00:09:28,419
[BLEEP] you. Go [BLEEP] yourself.
238
00:09:28,488 --> 00:09:31,489
Get [BLEEP]. And, Randy, [BLEEP] you.
239
00:09:31,726 --> 00:09:33,724
You wear a back brace when you bowl,
240
00:09:33,793 --> 00:09:35,476
you [BLEEP] asshole.
241
00:09:37,397 --> 00:09:40,665
All you mothers-to-be
out there, you do you.
242
00:09:40,733 --> 00:09:44,735
Be the rock stars you are
and tell everybody else
243
00:09:44,804 --> 00:09:47,872
to #LeggoMyPreggo.
244
00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:49,006
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
245
00:09:49,075 --> 00:09:51,203
And upload.
246
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:55,250
This foundation feels...
247
00:09:56,037 --> 00:09:57,703
- thick.
- It is.
248
00:09:57,757 --> 00:09:59,771
The matte liquid
fills in the deep creases.
249
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,164
[GASPS]
250
00:10:01,773 --> 00:10:03,328
I mean fine lines.
251
00:10:04,010 --> 00:10:05,359
Very fine.
252
00:10:06,113 --> 00:10:08,814
And to complete
the Bishop and Boo new you,
253
00:10:08,883 --> 00:10:11,116
you can be the first to try
our just released
254
00:10:11,185 --> 00:10:13,318
"Aubergine Lengthen and Strengthen"
255
00:10:13,387 --> 00:10:15,721
eyelash lengthener with natural peptides
256
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:18,093
to give you longer, fuller lashes.
257
00:10:18,289 --> 00:10:21,260
I don't want to brag, but
at the Romanian Cosmetics Expo,
258
00:10:21,328 --> 00:10:24,093
we totally handed Latisse
their ass on a plate.
259
00:10:24,431 --> 00:10:26,231
So it makes your eyelashes longer,
260
00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:28,934
and I won't have to recycle
my falsies every other week?
261
00:10:29,304 --> 00:10:30,969
- I'll buy one.
- Wonderful.
262
00:10:31,038 --> 00:10:34,006
That'll be a one-time payment
of just $45.99.
263
00:10:34,074 --> 00:10:36,942
- For mascara?
- It has peptides, Chelsea.
264
00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,492
Peptides. Fine.
265
00:10:42,650 --> 00:10:44,016
You see how easy that was?
266
00:10:44,234 --> 00:10:46,539
That mascara only cost $4 wholesale.
267
00:10:46,765 --> 00:10:49,054
Wait. You just flat out ripped me off?
268
00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:52,558
No, I sold you a product
at a retail markup price.
269
00:10:52,626 --> 00:10:54,927
You should consider
selling Bishop and Boo.
270
00:10:54,995 --> 00:10:57,930
If you sell enough in a year,
you get a white Jetta.
271
00:10:57,998 --> 00:11:00,299
And if you recruit
new brand ambassadors,
272
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:02,546
you get a cut of every sale
they make, too.
273
00:11:03,085 --> 00:11:05,617
I could use some extra cash
for my nose job.
274
00:11:06,006 --> 00:11:07,973
Deviated septum procedure
which I desperately need
275
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,312
in order to breathe.
276
00:11:10,978 --> 00:11:12,544
You know what? I'm in.
277
00:11:12,569 --> 00:11:14,601
- [SCREAMS]
- [BOTH LAUGH]
278
00:11:15,449 --> 00:11:17,783
I will have that white Jetta. I will.
279
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,217
[ROCK MUSIC]
280
00:11:19,286 --> 00:11:21,787
Now, I know this is none of my business,
281
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,989
but Paula stopped by earlier...
282
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,375
Did she bring Raoul?
283
00:11:25,926 --> 00:11:27,893
- Um...
- It's okay. You can tell me.
284
00:11:27,962 --> 00:11:29,127
I won't get mad.
285
00:11:29,375 --> 00:11:32,429
- Yes, Raoul was here.
- Damn it!
286
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,791
What did he look like?
287
00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:35,701
[LOUDER] What did he look like?
288
00:11:35,769 --> 00:11:37,603
- Swarthy.
- Like what?
289
00:11:37,671 --> 00:11:39,304
Like a sexy pirate?
290
00:11:39,726 --> 00:11:43,241
Admit it, he looked like a sexy pirate!
291
00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:46,845
I think he's just feeling
a little insecure about...
292
00:11:47,437 --> 00:11:48,529
Raoul.
293
00:11:48,554 --> 00:11:51,216
He went to strip clubs
having "business lunches"
294
00:11:51,285 --> 00:11:53,385
while I stayed home
taking care of our child.
295
00:11:53,454 --> 00:11:55,921
Oh, but now I'm not allowed
sexual fulfillment
296
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:57,689
for the first time in my adult life?
297
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,191
Who's side are you on?
298
00:11:59,259 --> 00:12:01,093
Listen, I was up for trying new things,
299
00:12:01,161 --> 00:12:04,296
but if the only way that she
can be "sexually fulfilled"
300
00:12:04,365 --> 00:12:07,466
is to put her fist up my...
my you-know-what,
301
00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:08,800
well, that is on her.
302
00:12:08,869 --> 00:12:10,365
Stop putting me in the middle!
303
00:12:10,390 --> 00:12:12,204
I just want you guys to get along!
304
00:12:12,272 --> 00:12:13,672
I don't want to have two separate
305
00:12:13,741 --> 00:12:15,574
parent/teacher conferences!
306
00:12:16,898 --> 00:12:19,945
- Deb, we saw your video.
- I carry a knife in my boot.
307
00:12:20,014 --> 00:12:23,148
Oh, no, no, it was amazing.
308
00:12:23,217 --> 00:12:26,385
It was so real, so raw, so exposed.
309
00:12:26,453 --> 00:12:30,589
You said what we all feel.
You have 40,000 views.
310
00:12:30,765 --> 00:12:32,029
- For real?
- Yeah.
311
00:12:32,054 --> 00:12:33,490
We are so tired of Honour
312
00:12:33,515 --> 00:12:35,896
and all of her judgmental
earth mama baloney.
313
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:37,262
Yeah, she's pretty dogmatic.
314
00:12:37,331 --> 00:12:39,364
[GASPS] You should start
your own mommy group.
315
00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:40,766
- [GASPS]
- We'd join.
316
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:42,934
Oh, my God, please.
317
00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:44,646
- We hate Honour.
- Mm.
318
00:12:44,671 --> 00:12:47,973
She makes us stick
essential oils up our vaginas.
319
00:12:48,042 --> 00:12:50,575
- And she checks.
- Oh.
320
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:52,210
[ROCK MUSIC]
321
00:12:54,945 --> 00:12:56,181
Guess what.
322
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:58,517
I already recruited
two new brand ambassadors.
323
00:12:58,585 --> 00:13:01,820
- Wow. That's amazing.
- Ms. Snap, it worked.
324
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,822
All the homely girls
are buying the makeup,
325
00:13:03,891 --> 00:13:05,424
just like you said they would.
326
00:13:05,492 --> 00:13:08,527
We even sold some
cellulite cream to a fat boy.
327
00:13:08,595 --> 00:13:09,679
Excellent.
328
00:13:09,704 --> 00:13:12,701
Fun fact... transfer students
are always hard up for friends.
329
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:14,170
They'll do anything to fit in.
330
00:13:14,195 --> 00:13:16,343
So make sure to sell them
the big-ticket items.
331
00:13:16,459 --> 00:13:17,640
Okay?
332
00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,338
Chelsea, you're having children
333
00:13:20,407 --> 00:13:22,943
prey on each other's
insecurities to sell makeup?
334
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,911
Oh, but Jennifer Aniston
can make me hate myself enough
335
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:27,746
to buy fancy water?
336
00:13:27,815 --> 00:13:29,460
It's called sales, Caroline.
337
00:13:30,132 --> 00:13:31,616
Oh, my God.
338
00:13:31,817 --> 00:13:33,851
Is Cecelia eating a leaf?
339
00:13:35,055 --> 00:13:36,273
Mmm.
340
00:13:37,945 --> 00:13:41,148
Okay, listen, you two babies.
I'm laying down the law.
341
00:13:41,203 --> 00:13:44,632
I'm tired of your inability
to communicate like adults.
342
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:47,467
This isn't about winning
or who's right or who's wrong.
343
00:13:47,492 --> 00:13:50,702
It's about Ian, your son. Remember him?
344
00:13:50,771 --> 00:13:53,468
Now get it together.
345
00:13:54,226 --> 00:13:58,643
You assholes!
346
00:13:59,851 --> 00:14:02,814
Did you just call us assholes?
347
00:14:03,070 --> 00:14:06,084
That was highly inappropriate.
348
00:14:06,153 --> 00:14:08,053
- Are you okay?
- I-I don't know.
349
00:14:08,122 --> 00:14:10,322
- Are you okay?
- No, I am shaken.
350
00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:13,757
Oh. How dare you
call my husband an asshole?
351
00:14:14,023 --> 00:14:15,293
He yelled at me today.
352
00:14:15,362 --> 00:14:17,662
Well, I'm sorry if my husband
got passionate
353
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:19,231
about his son's well-being.
354
00:14:19,299 --> 00:14:21,789
Why are you defending him?
You called him a...
355
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,201
[SOFTLY] Shrimp penis.
356
00:14:24,226 --> 00:14:26,605
Well, if she said that,
and I highly doubt she did...
357
00:14:26,673 --> 00:14:28,740
- I didn't.
- She did so in the sanctity
358
00:14:28,809 --> 00:14:31,343
of a parent-teacher conference.
That's right.
359
00:14:31,593 --> 00:14:34,343
I am so sick of you
being attacked like this.
360
00:14:34,539 --> 00:14:36,414
Come on, let's go. Yeah, we're leaving.
361
00:14:36,483 --> 00:14:38,884
Oh, and for your information,
362
00:14:39,109 --> 00:14:41,585
this man tried to take a fist for me.
363
00:14:42,539 --> 00:14:45,524
- Like a boss.
- Like a boss.
364
00:14:45,592 --> 00:14:48,393
This isn't your mother's mommy group.
365
00:14:48,462 --> 00:14:50,428
Nobody's gonna tell us
what to do, right?
366
00:14:50,497 --> 00:14:52,764
- ALL: Right!
- We make our own rules!
367
00:14:52,789 --> 00:14:54,566
- Right?
- ALL: Right!
368
00:14:54,635 --> 00:14:57,903
Leggo My Preggo!
369
00:14:57,971 --> 00:15:01,139
ALL: Leggo My Preggo!
370
00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:02,679
[ALL YELLING]
371
00:15:07,188 --> 00:15:08,515
[ROCK MUSIC]
372
00:15:10,703 --> 00:15:12,403
Hey, what are you doing here?
373
00:15:12,472 --> 00:15:14,805
Oh, I was going to Mommies 4 Mommies.
374
00:15:14,874 --> 00:15:17,375
- I told you I quit that.
- Yeah, I know.
375
00:15:17,443 --> 00:15:19,543
I was just, uh, gonna... gonna go alone.
376
00:15:19,612 --> 00:15:22,213
- Are you kidding me?
- I need support, too, Deb.
377
00:15:22,282 --> 00:15:23,814
You're not the only one
who's pregnant here.
378
00:15:23,883 --> 00:15:25,283
Yes, I am.
379
00:15:25,351 --> 00:15:27,518
You just like to wear
elastic stretch pants.
380
00:15:27,587 --> 00:15:29,186
Please don't take this the wrong way.
381
00:15:29,255 --> 00:15:31,055
- Oh, here we go.
- I just feel like you're not
382
00:15:31,124 --> 00:15:32,623
willing to listen to anyone.
383
00:15:32,692 --> 00:15:35,186
I mean, you dismiss
everybody's advice out of hand.
384
00:15:35,211 --> 00:15:36,477
We've never done this before.
385
00:15:36,546 --> 00:15:37,912
Maybe it will be better for the baby
386
00:15:37,981 --> 00:15:39,981
- if you didn't get the epidural.
- Oh-ho-ho.
387
00:15:40,049 --> 00:15:43,317
This is my pregnancy,
and I don't want any of that.
388
00:15:43,386 --> 00:15:46,421
Yeah, it's your pregnancy,
but it's our baby.
389
00:15:46,489 --> 00:15:48,156
I-I just want to
consider all the options.
390
00:15:48,224 --> 00:15:50,224
Great, go consider them.
391
00:15:50,293 --> 00:15:53,895
And while you're hanging out
with all of the perfect moms,
392
00:15:53,963 --> 00:15:56,364
tell Honour I looked her up on Facebook,
393
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,804
and of course her real name is Ruth.
394
00:15:58,829 --> 00:16:00,640
Of course it is!
395
00:16:02,484 --> 00:16:03,571
[GASPS]
396
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,407
Cecelia, I see you tried
Bishop and Boo's
397
00:16:06,476 --> 00:16:08,335
Perfectly Kissable lipstick.
398
00:16:08,992 --> 00:16:10,311
Oh.
399
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:12,447
- You got a little on your teeth.
- Uh-huh.
400
00:16:12,515 --> 00:16:13,945
It's delicious.
401
00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:17,429
- [SCOFFS]
- Mmm.
402
00:16:18,063 --> 00:16:19,203
Mmm.
403
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,954
That'll be $29.95.
404
00:16:22,531 --> 00:16:24,392
You made my parents get back together.
405
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:26,027
- Aren't you happy?
- No.
406
00:16:26,095 --> 00:16:28,396
If they're back together,
they'll fight all the time.
407
00:16:29,666 --> 00:16:32,066
I bet they'd get along
just fine if it wasn't for me.
408
00:16:32,135 --> 00:16:34,769
Oh, honey, that's a very common thing
409
00:16:34,838 --> 00:16:36,604
for children to think
when they're parents
410
00:16:36,673 --> 00:16:39,507
are getting divorced,
but that's not true.
411
00:16:39,576 --> 00:16:41,742
They love you very much.
412
00:16:41,811 --> 00:16:44,171
Then why were they always
arguing about me?
413
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:47,682
They were arguing about
getting to spend time with you.
414
00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:49,717
- Really?
- Absolutely.
415
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,385
I guess they really do love me.
416
00:16:51,454 --> 00:16:52,753
Of course they do.
417
00:16:52,822 --> 00:16:56,320
They flew all the way
to Chechnya to adopt you.
418
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:57,826
I'm adopted?
419
00:16:58,617 --> 00:16:59,861
Ooh.
420
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:03,397
- You told him he was adopted?
- You told her he was adopted?
421
00:17:03,466 --> 00:17:05,217
I'm so sorry.
If I had known it was a secret,
422
00:17:05,242 --> 00:17:06,501
I wouldn't have said anything.
423
00:17:06,569 --> 00:17:08,669
We were waiting to tell him
after his bar mitzvah.
424
00:17:08,738 --> 00:17:11,172
I told you that
that would be way too late.
425
00:17:11,241 --> 00:17:13,174
If we waited that long,
he would have figured out
426
00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:14,642
why he doesn't look Jewish.
427
00:17:14,711 --> 00:17:18,779
Oh, my God, that is so offensive, Lonny.
428
00:17:18,848 --> 00:17:21,482
You know what? This is over.
And I mean it this time.
429
00:17:21,551 --> 00:17:23,384
- Oh, fine by me.
- Great.
430
00:17:23,453 --> 00:17:26,185
Well, let's go tell Ian
we're getting divorced again.
431
00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:27,421
- Terrific.
- Fine.
432
00:17:27,490 --> 00:17:29,457
I am so sick of you
and your anti-Semitic comments.
433
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:31,559
Oh, you have no room to talk
with the amount
434
00:17:31,628 --> 00:17:33,094
of Mexican jokes you tell.
435
00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:35,742
Margot, how many sales
did you make today?
436
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:39,570
Zero. No one will buy anything
since the mascara recall.
437
00:17:40,707 --> 00:17:42,109
[SCREAMS]
438
00:17:43,439 --> 00:17:46,040
Margot? Margot, come back here.
439
00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:47,679
What recall?
440
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:50,937
Hey, Damien,
how was your meeting with Ruth?
441
00:17:51,981 --> 00:17:53,214
Ignore her.
442
00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:56,093
Oh, of course
she's telling you what to do.
443
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,685
Grow some balls.
444
00:17:57,754 --> 00:17:59,487
Hey, wanting the best for our baby
445
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,355
does not mean I don't have balls, Deb.
446
00:18:01,424 --> 00:18:04,058
Yes, we saw your
foul-mouthed video, Deborah.
447
00:18:04,127 --> 00:18:06,260
Don't be surprised
if your baby's first word
448
00:18:06,329 --> 00:18:08,763
is the f-bomb. I pity your child.
449
00:18:08,831 --> 00:18:11,699
Not everyone
wants to crap their baby out
450
00:18:11,768 --> 00:18:14,602
on the top of a mountain
like "The Lion King."
451
00:18:14,671 --> 00:18:16,737
Oh, well, of course
you would think that, Siobhan,
452
00:18:16,806 --> 00:18:19,540
since everyone here knows
your emergency C-section
453
00:18:19,609 --> 00:18:20,908
was planned weeks in advance.
454
00:18:20,977 --> 00:18:23,711
- Eat me!
- Okay, everybody calm down.
455
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:25,379
Oh, shut up, Deborah!
456
00:18:25,448 --> 00:18:28,049
Why don't you do us all a favor
and get your tubes tied
457
00:18:28,117 --> 00:18:29,717
so you don't bring another drug addict
458
00:18:29,786 --> 00:18:31,319
into this world,
who will probably grow up
459
00:18:31,387 --> 00:18:32,853
and become a serial killer
460
00:18:32,922 --> 00:18:34,855
because you find
breastfeeding inconvenient?
461
00:18:34,924 --> 00:18:36,624
Hey, that's our kid
you're talking about.
462
00:18:36,693 --> 00:18:38,826
It is not your kid! It's Deb's!
463
00:18:38,895 --> 00:18:40,804
Relax. It's his kid, too.
464
00:18:40,829 --> 00:18:43,250
If you admit that,
then he will try to tell you what to do!
465
00:18:43,275 --> 00:18:45,700
Okay, this is straight up bonkers.
466
00:18:45,768 --> 00:18:47,401
I'm dissolving Leggo My Preggo.
467
00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:48,669
[ALL GASP]
468
00:18:48,738 --> 00:18:50,104
I got to bounce. I'm starving.
469
00:18:50,173 --> 00:18:53,039
I'll join you.
I'm sorry, Ruth. I got to quit.
470
00:18:53,064 --> 00:18:55,064
My name is Honour!
471
00:18:55,311 --> 00:18:56,377
Aah!
472
00:18:56,446 --> 00:18:57,703
[ALL YELLING]
473
00:18:58,948 --> 00:19:00,381
Hi, ladies.
474
00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:02,859
I've got fading cream,
you've got stretch marks.
475
00:19:02,884 --> 00:19:04,646
Let's do business!
476
00:19:04,671 --> 00:19:06,201
- Caroline.
- Aah!
477
00:19:06,226 --> 00:19:09,056
Your janky mascara
gave me Robert Durst eyes.
478
00:19:09,125 --> 00:19:11,525
I'm sorry! I didn't know
about the recall!
479
00:19:11,594 --> 00:19:13,492
Besides, it's not that bad.
480
00:19:14,015 --> 00:19:15,630
Then why aren't you looking at me?
481
00:19:15,698 --> 00:19:16,864
[WHIMPERING]
482
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:19,953
- Look at me!
- I can't.
483
00:19:20,269 --> 00:19:22,169
I'm afraid of sharks.
484
00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:25,640
I am gonna tell everyone
about your Bishop and Bullshit!
485
00:19:25,708 --> 00:19:27,507
You are never gonna get a Jetta!
486
00:19:28,177 --> 00:19:30,111
No!
487
00:19:30,195 --> 00:19:31,561
[SOFT MUSIC]
488
00:19:32,193 --> 00:19:33,892
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
489
00:19:34,625 --> 00:19:37,196
[SIGHS] I'm sorry I got
all up in your pregnancy.
490
00:19:37,656 --> 00:19:39,790
That's okay. You should be involved.
491
00:19:39,858 --> 00:19:41,992
And we'll figure
this stuff out together.
492
00:19:42,061 --> 00:19:45,629
We both want the same thing...
for our baby to flourish
493
00:19:45,698 --> 00:19:48,465
in a nurturing
and enriching environment.
494
00:19:48,898 --> 00:19:50,171
Totally.
495
00:19:52,671 --> 00:19:54,101
[MENACING MUSIC]
496
00:20:00,279 --> 00:20:01,478
[ROCK MUSIC]
497
00:20:01,543 --> 00:20:06,623
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498
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:11,223
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