All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s07e03e04 Leslie & Ron.eng

So, gentlemen, you have evidence

that the Newport land
should be preserved.

Absolutely.

You see, I'm a ninth level
Octopriest

in the Church
of the Reasonableists.

Oh, boy.

The land is sacred
in our religion.

Because it's the place where all
human souls will be transmuted

when Zorpe the Lizard God
passes through

Jupiter's sphincter.

- Hail, Zorpe.
Both: Hail, Zorpe!

I'm looking for anything
to strengthen my case

that the Newport land should
become a park,

and not a corpate campus.

Religious reasons,
animal conservation,

historical significance.

Anything.

So hold on to your straws,
everybody.

'cause Mama's going graspin'.

In 1980, there were more
than 600 million

Indiana brown ants
in that forest.

Today, there are only
595 million.

At that rate, they'll all be
gone by the year 2030.

- 60.
- 200 and 3,060?

- 200,000 years from now?
- Yes.

That doesn't seem like
an immediate crisis.

I got a different idea
for that land.

An amusement park
with rides and food

and sexy cartoon characters.

- I call it Disneyland.
- How did you get in here?

Broke a window.

[triumphant music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, hey, guys.
Come on in.

You guys, I am Roscoe.

I am Vice President of
Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.

Feel free in this meeting
to break out your vapes

and just kick back.

Now, peep this.

Leslie Knope has been meeting
with people

to try to sexy-up
her presentation.

So we had this far-out
brain tornado.

Good idea.

We should get a brity to come
kick it with us small time,

and then just be like,
"Hey, chumps.

Let's get tight with Gryzz."

We need a celebrity.

As a minority owner,
it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.

Is a celebrity necessary?
I prefer quality over flash.

That's why I refuse to write
my signature in cursive.

Celebrities can help
with this kind of thing.

The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn
if it weren't for Jay-Z.

And the sales for Chick-fil-A
went through the roof

once Elton John bought 'em.

Exactly.

Gryzzl is an outsider here
in Pawnee,

so a local celebrity
is gonna make everyone

feel more at ease with us.

And that's why we called on you
home court chillers

to frack your braniums.

Since we're locals, they want
us to think of ideas.

- I got it in context.
- Okay.

I have no interest
in consorting with celebrities.

The only celebrities I recognize
are furniture maker

Garry Knox Bennett,
designer of the notorious

16 Penny Nail Cabinet,
and Magnus,

the five-by-five bull elk I saw
near my cabin two years ago.

Took a shot at the bastard
and he stuck his antlers

through the door
of my meat shed.

One day, Magnus.
I will wear you as a jacket.

Have you thought about this.
You could be an airline pilot.

- I don't like heights.
- What about a submarine pilot?

- I don't like depths.
- Mm.

I don't like anything, okay.

You're not gonna be able
to find a career for me,

so just give up.

No way, babe.
We can do this.

Let's play a game.
Okay?

You say a word, I say a word.
We see if it makes a profession.

- Executive.
- Trampoline.

- Computer.
- Trampoline.

- Trampoline.
- Pass.

Hey, Leslie?

I need both you and Ron to sign
this city point of sale document

since the land you're gunning
for lies within city limits.

Can we run over to Ron's office
and take care of this?

Well, I love it when you talk
point of sale doc,

'cause you know it turns me on,
but, no, no.

There's no way that I will be in
the same room with Ron Swanson,

unless it is during a police
lineup when I am pointing

him out as the man
who betrayed me.

That's him, officer.
Ronald Swanson.

[deep voice] Thank you, Leslie.

That's the fifth crime you've
solved this month.

I'm not supposed to do this,
but let me give you a badge

and a siren for your car.

Could you please focus?
It'll take two minutes.

And all signatures need to be
notarized, and I really don't

want to have to schedule two
different notary appointments.

Uh, not to eavesdrop,
but I have a crazy story.

I recently had a bit
of a health scare,

just a couple weeks
in the hospital.

Oh, God.
This story's terrible so far.

Anyway, I became really
motivated once I got out

to finally live life
to the fullest.

So...I fulfilled one of
my lifelong dreams.

And I became a notary public.

So if I go with you,
Ron and Leslie

can sign the document
separately.

Yeah, see?
Ben, it all works out.

I'll sign the documents here
and then you can bring it to Ron

and he can sign it there,
and then you can tell Ron

to rot in hell.

How long are you two gonna
go on like this?

You're acting like a little kid.

No, I'm not.

And infinity plus one year.

Andy?
Bring me the next person.

Perd Hapley.
Crazy Ira and the Douche.

Tom Haverford?

That's nice, but I don't know
if you can really consider me

a celebrity.

Yeah, that's your handwriting.

These are all great options,
but I think we need

to go after Pawnee's
biggest fish--

Annabel Porter from Bloosh.

That horrifying
lifestyle newsletter

filled with vegan recipes
and pointless tchotchkes?

Forget it.
That woman is my nightmare.

Um, she's a big deal, Ron.

Bloosh just won the Pulitzer
Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle

two years in a row.

Hi, Leslie.

Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee
Historical Society.

Oh, yes, Bill.
I remember you.

I heard you were looking
for information

on the Newport land, and I have
some very exciting news for you.

It concerns William Henry
Harrison.

We claim William Henry
Harrison as a hero

because he was
the first governor

of the Indiana territories,

and then President
of the United States.

We're also a little ashamed
of him

because he didn't wear a coat
at his inauguration,

caught a bad cold
and died 32 days later.

He's an embarrassing footnote.

But he's our embarrassing
footnote.

I've recently self-Published
a biography about Harrison

entitled, Barely A President.

William Henry Harrison's
32 Days In The White House."

I discovered that Harrison had

a heretofore
unknown hunting lodge

on the very land you're trying
to acquire.

Um, spoilers much?
Now I'll never read that book.

If a U.S. President had
a house on that land,

it could qualify for historic
landmark status,

and we could really stick it
to Ron's team.

Which would be icing
on the cake,

not the reason
why we're doing this.

Okay.
Show me this incredible lodge.

Let's go.

That book sounded so boring,
I cried a little.

Oh, babe.
I'm sorry you had to hear that.

You're safe now.

Hey, Ron.

Sorry to bother you,
but I need you to sign

this point of sale document.

And please sign it in cursive.

It raises a lot of red flags
if you--

- No.
- Okay.

So...
what's Leslie up to?

Well, I don't think I should
discuss that,

given that you're in
competition.

- Need to remain neutral.
- Fair enough.

Terry, what's Leslie up to?

She is trying to find
a historical to earmark

the land for preservation.

Terry, come on, man.

Leslie, you little sneak.

If Leslie's going for a hook,
we should too.

Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person.
Yes!

Glad to see you
finally come around

after these two minutes
of insanity.

Now will you please consider
investing

in that toddler cologne
I've been bugging you about.

Toddler cologne.

Baby--tsst tsst--
you smell good.

Here we are.

Here we are, like, "Here's
the place where I buried the map

that will show us the way
to William Henry Harrison's

awesome hunting cabin?"

- No, this is all that's left.
- This place is awesome.

Hey, we should sell our dumb
house and buy this one.

Okay, you know, I love William
Henry Harrison as much,

if not slightly more than the
next guy, but this is garbage.

I mean, literally, there's a bag
of old hamburgers over there.

What?
Ohh.

We're running out of time
and we need to beat Ron.

So...we're gonna have to use
this old pile of bricks.

I need to gather everything
I can on William Henry Harrison.

Let's head to the Harrison
Museum over in Vincennes.

I volunteer there part time.

I just found an artifact!
Historical artifact.

William Henry Harrison's wig.

- Andy, put that down.
- Cool.

You've got to be kidding me.

No, I'm sorry, but there's
a page missing from the document

so then the signatures
are invalid.

Can't we just say it was there?

You're asking a notary to lie.

I signed an oath, Ben.

And then a different notary
notarized the oath I signed.

William Henry Harrison
is totally ridiculous.

They can't even fill a small
museum with real stuff

about his life because
he was so lame.

The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room"
explores how great America

would have been if Harrison had
worn a coat at his inauguration.

And not died.

[Tubthumping playing]
This room is called

"Other Things That Were
Famous for One Month."

Oh, and side note, admission
to this museum costs $14.

And while you're here,
why not visit

the "Other Famous Harrisons"
exhibit.

Okay, guys, this is so great.

During the election campaign
of 1840, William Henry Harrison

supporters rolled this ten foot
tin and paper ball

down country lanes all across
America.

And--And they would sing along
with a jug band,

and it was just so exciting.

People would come for miles
just to see it.

Why, was there something
inside this stupid ball?

Ooh, like a giant hamster?

This is what we have
to work with, okay.

We are up against a very flashy
internet company,

and we should be aiming
for quantity over quality.

So we're gonna throw a bunch
of Harrison facts at them

and a big pile of bricks
and whatever else we can find.

Quantity, people.
Quantity!

Wow.

This is exactly what I imagine
Heaven looks like.

Right down to the unisex
linen tunics.

- Annabel, ma cherie.
- Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late
for our coven.

I was polishing my oyster forks
with a cage-free olive oil rub.

Apology accepted, and then

I have no reaction
to anything else you said.

I can't help but ask,
what's in right now?

Well, this season I'm intrigued

by...asymmetrical overalls,

angora toothbrushes,
and locally sourced

Italian flip flops.

Also, there's a flirty trend
in beverages.

So you've had soy milk
and almond milk.

Now try the hottest
new craze...beef milk.

It's like almond milk that's
been squeezed through tiny holes

in living cows.

It's fucking milk.

- No.
- No.

Milk cost $3 a gallon.

Annabel's authentic,
hand-strained

teat-to-table beef milk,

that costs $60 a gallon.

Yeah, and there's a wait list.

This woman knows business.

And I'd be extremely jazzed
to be a part of the Gryzzl bid.

Shall we discuss it in my yurt?
Great.

Ron?
Okay, let's try this again.

All pages accounted for,
just sign right here.

How is Leslie doing
with her quest?

Again, I don't want to talk
about her plan with you,

nor yours with her.

- Sure you understand.
- Absolutely.

Terry, what is Leslie up to?

Oh, getting ready for a big
press conference.

Terry, come on.

A press conference.

So she's found something
to strengthen her bid.

Ms. Porter,
no need to discuss any further.

You will be the face
of the Gryzzl bid.

Smashing.

Well, this calls for a
celebratory dram of aged grappa.

- Okay, so I just sign here?
- No.

No, no!
Aw.

Great.
There you go.

- Yeah, that's invalid now.
- Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty?

I just wanted to say that
I really like your museum.

It's weird and sad
and unnecessary.

Is there, like, a museum curator
position I could apply for?

Sorry, everyone here
is a volunteer.

Though you do get
a yearly stipend

of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.

Accepted only
at that vending machine.

- Thanks.
- That's a bummer.

But, hey, hey, listen.

Maybe you could start
your own museum.

About what?

I'm sorry,
but I am not like you.

You love everything.

The only things I like are dogs,
sleeping late,

and weird birthmarks.

You can't make museums
about those.

- This is another dead end.
- Guys?

Let's keep it going, right?

Somebody grab
the reading glasses,

somebody grab
that walking stick.

Grab everything you can.

I'm officially dubbing this
Operation Quantity.

Oh, thank God you're still here.

I cannot believe the weird
notary hell

I've been trapped in.

Been more like heaven for me.
I mean, what a day.

- What's Ron up to?
- Okay, I am not--

- No, no, you have to tell me
because you legally vow yourself

to me in marriage.

- Sucker.
- Okay, fine.

They got Annabel Porter
to be the celebrity face

of their group.

Little rat.

Okay.
Two can play this game.

Bill?
Operation Quantity needs a face.

Does William Henry Harrison
have any direct descendants

in the area?

One--a distant nephew named
Zack Harrison.

This is our guy.
American royalty.

His veins pulse with the blood
of our storied forefather.

Zack Harrison?
I went to camp with this guy.

Ha ha!

No one would ride
in the boat with him

'cause he had terrible B.O.,
and then he went with Janine,

our counselor, and he fell
asleep and got a boner.

Well, he's
American royalty, okay?

And we need him for the press
conference, and we need

all of this stuff.

So help me God, I will make a
mountain out of this mole hill.

- Leslie, I do--
- Quantity, people.

Notary public's can trace
our origin all the way back

to ancient Rome.

- No way.
- Calvin Coolidge was a notary.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad

and so was Calvin Coolidge's
paternal grandfather.

Uh-huh.

It's 2.5 pounds of pressure
is what you need

to get the perfect stamp.

They have this monthly--

Well, it's a notary
email newsletter

and, oh, my gosh--

- All right.
- Ben, it's fun.

It's just fun.

Babe?

I have been thinking a lot about
what you said.

I made a list of everything
that I know you like.

Playing with our dog,
staring contests,

sex with me, et cetera.

And then, I lost the list.

So I had to make a new list.

I didn't have any paper,
so I wrote it on my leg.

And that's when my leg fell
asleep--

- Okay, could you just skip
ahead a little?

What do all the things on
that list have in common?

They're one-on-one.

You like dealing with people,
or dogs, one-on-one.

See, we don't make a list
of the things that you love,

we make a list of the reasons
why you love them.

And then we find something
that fits that list.

You're the best husband ever.

Hi, Zack Harrison.

You wanted to meet with me about
a press conference?

Oh, yes.
Hello, Zack.

Yes, I am Leslie.
It is an honor to have you here.

You are Indiana's last living
link to this great man.

Look, I really don't think

you should make a big deal
out of this.

I just happen to be
a descendant of a guy.

You could be the descendant
of George Washington.

- I wouldn't know.
- Do you--

- No, that was just
a hypothetical.

Could that be possible?

Because, you know,
I have always thought

that we shared very similar
jaw lines.

Wow.
That is something to chew on.

Anyway, okay.
It doesn't matter.

I need this to be
very impressive.

So head on in there and be
presidential...ly descendant.

Just go in there.
Okay?

- Just walk, walk, walk.
- I don't--

- Quiet down.
Walk in.

Zack.
Camp Wamapo, you got a boner.

We'll catch up.
What a dick.

Hey!
No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
What--Ron?

What are you doing here?

Setting up for our
press conference,

which will take place
immediately after yours.

Are you crazy?
You can't do that.

- Do you want me to bite him?
- No.

Ignore them.

We start in ten minutes.

Swanson, you didn't say
anything about ambushing

Leslie's press conference.

I didn't think it was relevant.

Come on, man.
This isn't cool.

This is a competition.
We need to win it.

Please do your jobs.

Good evening.

Pawnee is a place of culture,
history, and heritage,

and the National Park Service
is proud to say

that we've discovered a new
chapter in the life

of local hero and president,
William Henry Harrison.

[Hail to the Chief playing]
A heretofore unknown

hunting lodge was recently
discovered

smack dab in the middle
of the Newport land.

What great historical moments

took place within
these hallowed halls?

Did Harrison plan his
presidential campaign

while sitting around the hearth?

Which used to be there.

Did he write letters
to Thomas Jefferson

on his roll top desk?

Which, you know, I don't know,
might have existed.

The point is,
William Henry Harrison

would have wanted this land
preserved as a national park.

Don't believe me?
Let's ask him.

In the form of his direct
descendant, Zachary.

Hi, I'm Zack.
Harrison.

Amazing.

Zachary, what is it like being
a descendant

of William Henry Harrison?

Uh, Harrison's
a pretty common last name.

Okay, sit.
Now.

Travel back in time with me
to 1840

when William Henry Harrison,
Old Tippecanoe,

runs for president.

And his campaign rolls this
giant tin and paper ball

from town to town, while
Americans everywhere sing along.

Hit it, gang.

[playing folk music]

They're talking about this ball.

Van.
Van's Martin van Buren.

That's who.

[electronic horn sounds]

Wow, that was cool.

Said some boring idiot
from 200 years ago.

Who cares about some dumb
grandpa and a tin ball?

That's the past.
Gryzzl is the future.

The Newport land will become
the Midwest headquarters

of America's most dynamic
technology company.

Here to introduce our vision
is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh

and the sexy ladies
known in Pawnee as

The Somebody's Daughter Dancers.

[fast paced music]
Fresh.

Innovative.
Place-Making.

Disposable duvets.
Growth-Hacking.

Super-Moon
Gryzzl.

Now come with me as we binge
watch the future.

That was sickening.
All flash and no substance.

It was exactly as substantive
as your presentation.

No, it was not.

We had way more quantity
than you.

Please.
Please.

For the love of all
that is holy, both of you,

please sign this form.

Not that it matters.

I'm definitely gonna wake up
tomorrow morning

with these same forms for you
to sign because I've died

somehow and now I'm a ghost
living in Purgatory

until I complete
my unfinished business.

Okay, I'm not signing anything
he's signing.

Did you just hear what I said?

No, of course, you didn't,
because I'm a ghost.

You know what?
I can't stand you.

I can't stand your stupid
mustache and your stupid shirt,

and your stupid name, Ron.

Ron.
It's not even a word.

Well, I have had
just about enough

of your stubborn behavior.

Ever since
the Morningstar incident,

you have been completely
unreasonable.

You are the unreasonable one!

You've been unreasonable
way before Morningstar.

You're the most unreasonable,
stubborn person I have ever met.

And I am never gonna change
my mind on that,

no matter what anybody says!

You're not that good
at scrapbooking.

What?

Okay, would you just sign
right here?

And I will need your
thumbprints.

Man, those two really
hate each other.

That feud's like
Biggie-Tupac level.

Maybe even Morgan Freeman-
Shailene Woodley level.

Nah, it's bad,
but it's not that bad.

This is like when the triplets
fight, except I can't just give

Leslie and Ron stuffed animals
to make them calm down.

Actually, that might work.
Have we tried that?

They've always butted heads.

I really--I don't think
they hate each other.

I just think they're very
different people and they just

drifted apart once they stopped
working in the same office.

[knock at door]
You okay?

Yeah, well I ordered 60
veggie pizzas to Ron's office,

so that calmed me down a little.

I know you're furious at him.

But please, come to a neutral
site and sit with Ron

for 30 seconds so I can get
this dumb document signed.

Ugh.

I'll let you rename the triplets

Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.

Okay, fine.
But I get to sign first.

Oh, my God.

All right, let's just
get this over with.

Oh, let me get that for you.

[lock beeps]

- Got 'em.
- What?

What's going on?
What's going on?

- Let us out immediately.
- No.

You guys are being ridiculous.

This has gone too far, and
you are not leaving this office

until you've made peace.

Both: Nooo!

No, no, no.

[grunts]
Sorry, Ron, doors are locked.

We've taken your key cards
and your phones,

and the automatic timer
won't go off

until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

You're trapped in there.

We told security
not to disturb you

under any circumstances.

And the phones and internet?

Oh, they've been disconnected.

And I left a rusty hacksaw
on the table,

so the first person who hacks
their face off gets release.

[laughs]
That's not--what?

Is that true?

Guys, this is insane, okay?
Let us out.

Oh, my God, babe.
Game of Thrones is on tonight.

It's the series finale.

Khaleesi is marrying
Jack Sparrow.

Oh, God, that show has really
gone off the rails.

It makes sense
if you've read the books.

Look, our baby monitor
is on the table.

If you guys can talk this out

and settle your differences
like grown-ups,

turn it on, and I will come
to get you from my office.

Otherwise, we will see you
at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

I am going to break out of here,

then I am going to snap you
in half.

Hey.

This is not his fault, Swanson.

Be a man,
and get your house in order.

You too, Knope.

Good luck, you guys.

I really hope you can work out
your differences.

Terry, look at me.

Is this what you want to do?

Think very carefully, son.

There you go.

That's right, buddy.

Come on.

For once in your life,
do something right.

Stop it, Terry.

Both of you.
Come on.

Both: Damn it, Terry!

[triumphant music]

Okay, think.

There must be a way out of here.

I don't think there is.

They installed these magnetic
locks two years ago.

- There's no way around them.
- [grunts]

Yes, there is.

I'll simply punch my fist
through a window.

Ron, there's security wire
in there.

You'll slice your arm open.

I would rather bleed out
than sit here

and talk about my feelings
for ten hours.

There is another way.

We'll just wait a few minutes,

turn on this monitor,
and then we'll tell Ben

that we talked it out
and made up.

I'll just tell them that
I apologized for...

whatever,
heroically caring too much,

and you admitted that
you're a stubborn butthead,

and everything's fine now.

Why do I have to be stubborn?

Why can't the problem have been
that I was reasonable

and you were at fault?

Because we want them
to believe us

and not laugh really hard

at a ridiculous
science fiction scenario.

We are not saying
I was the problem.

If we're gonna lie to them,
I will not let you lie to them.

Fine!

I'll tell them
that for the past three years,

you've been a perfect gentleman
and scholar,

and I am an insane weirdo

who, despite being
the only reason

we even had a friendship
to begin with,

decided to ruin it out of
the blue for no good reason.

That sounds good.
Let's go with that.

[shouts]

What are you doing?

I destroyed the monitor!

What if we have an emergency

and have to get out of here?

I did not consider
that possibility!

Everything's different.

I mean, the furniture,
the pictures.

Craig changed everything.

Did he?

I tried not to notice anything

when I worked here.

Or talk to anyone.

Or learn anyone's name.

You, of all people,
should know that, Lauren.

Look, we are gonna be here
for ten hours.

We could either
talk about our issues

and work through our problems,

or we can just sit here
doing nothing.

I choose "sit here."

Come on, Ron,
why don't we just--

- Sit here.
- Ron.

Sit here.

I bet I can make you talk.

I'll take that bet

at any odds,
for any amount of money,

over any length of time

stretching from now
into infinity.

Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk to me.

Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me. Talk to me.

Talk to me. Talk. Talk. Talk.

[fan whirring]

Talk to me!

Drip. Drip.
One word, and this is over.

I think wood is stupid,
and so does everybody else.

You guys, Ron loves plastic.

Last chance, Ron.

You want to talk? Huh?

[groans]

Aha!

Jackpot.

You know what this is, Ron?

This is a mix I made for
the summer Parks barbecue, 2007.

I asked everyone
in the Parks Department

to choose one song.

You chose Buddy
by Willie Nelson,

a fact I remember
because my mind

is a steel trap
of friendship nuggets.

But I am not going to play
your choice.

I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.

[Billy Joel's We Didn't Start
the Fire playing]

Ooh, that's right.

And I'm gonna sing along.

And I'm gonna maintain
eye contact the whole time.

And guess what.
I don't know the words.

Whoo!

Oh, I got it on repeat.
Come on, Ron.

Do you want to hear it again,
or do you want to talk?

No?

Okay, next verse.

Stop this!

I will speak with you
for three minutes.

Great.

[high-pitched beep]

So...

what would you like
to talk about?

Oh, come on, Ron.

We were friends for ten years.

We were work proximity
associates.

We were friends.

And now we're not.

And once again, it is up to me
to save our friendship,

and I will do so using
the most powerful tool

known to man:

a well-organized chart.

Three years ago, I accept
a job at National Parks.

You and I see each other less,
admittedly,

due to my busy schedule

and your utter lack of interest

in maintaining
adult friendships.

Work proximity
associate-ships.

Three months later,
April comes to work for me.

We throw her a party.

At her request,
the party's theme

is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang
Pizza Jamboree."

I remember.

You made me wear
a leather jacket.

That is the last time
you and I see each other

for more than five minutes.

Three months later,
you come and visit me

at my office on the third floor
for the very first time.

One week later,
I return from a trip,

and I find out you have quit
the Parks Department

and you have started
your own building company

without even bothering
to tell me.

"Oh, well," I think to myself.

"You know, it was only
a matter of time."

And then, two months after that,

Morningstar--

the final twist of the knife.

Oh, for God's sake.

I hear about Morningstar,

and I calmly saunter
down to your office

and attempt to have a rational
discussion with you about it.

What the hell, Ron?

You're building
your stupid building

on the block
next to Pawnee Commons?

The park that I built
from scratch out of a pit?

This building is gonna ruin
the views, you jerk.

And you're gonna tear
all the houses down?

- Yes.
- Ann lived there, Ron.

That's Ann's old house.

That's my best friend's
old house.

That was the house
where I put on my wedding dress

the night I got married.

That is the house where
April and Andy

met for the first time.

That is the house
where Ann gave me

my first ever smoky eye look.

She hasn't lived there
for five years.

That's not the point.

This building is a monstrosity.

And what's it called?
Morningstar?

[British accent] "Oh, dear.

"We live at the Morningstar.

That's so posh and
hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."

The world needs
apartment buildings.

The park you built is nice,

and people want to live
next to it.

That's not the point.

You knew that
I would be furious,

and you didn't have the guts
to tell me yourself.

Enjoy your new job, Judas.

[door slams]

You tear down Ann's house.

You spend the next two years
cutting down trees

and fighting zoning laws
that I helped pass,

basically spitting on everything
we did together at Parks.

That's not the whole story.

What does that mean?

It means what it means.

That...

is not the whole story
of why I left.

[timer beeping]

Sorry, time is up.

- Wait.
- [puffs]

Why then?
What was the reason?

Ron, come on.

Oh, my God, you made a key?

Ron, please, don't--

Come on, Ron.

Ron, just talk to me.

Ron, come on.

See you tomorrow morning.

Okay.

Progress.

Is it that I sent you
a birthday card

through the US mail,

so the post office
knew your address?

No. Go away.

Ooh, is it because
I had Food and Stuff

temporarily shut down
due to a health code violation?

That was you?

They had fresh produce out
right next to the roach spray.

The name of the store
is "Food and Stuff."

They sell food,
and they sell stuff.

If you don't like it,
go to that new place,

Complete Food.

It's called Whole Foods.

- And is that really the reason?
- No.

How many more questions
are you going to ask me?

As many as I need to
to solve this mystery

and get us engaged in a deep
and stimulating conversation

about our friendship.

Ron, what are you doing?

I know I saw it.

Aha!

Detonator.

The partially defused
claymore mine

you gave me ten years ago.

I'm gonna use it to blow
a hole in this damn door

so I can get out of here.

- Ron, just wait a second.
- No.

I'm being held as a prisoner
against my will,

and I have the right, as
a citizen of the United States,

to blow a hole
in that fucking door

and walk out as a free man.

It's in the Constitution.

There's no cursing
in the Constitution.

Look, before you do that--

- Too late.
Here we go.

Fire in the hole!

[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow
playing]

Whoo!

I gave you that as a gift

on your fifth anniversary
as Parks director.

You told me

this was a genuine partially
defused claymore mine.

Well, it was.

I bought the empty shell
off of eBay,

and then I filled it
with, you know,

balloons and confetti and such.

You mean to tell me
I have had a toy

on my desk for ten years?

You mean to tell me
you've thought

you've thought you had an actual
land mine on your desk?

[Leslie on recording]
Congratulations, Ron.

You've been doing
an explosive job!

[laughs]

Come on, Ron.

It's funny stuff.

Who gets angry at balloons?

Good talk.

What's all this?

I'm just reading back through
some of our old projects,

trying to figure out what
happened that made you quit.

Good God, woman.

This is a code.

I am going to break it.

And this is my best shot.

Is that nuclear waste?

No, this is my job application
from when you hired me.

How did you get that?

Freedom of Information Act
request.

But here's the thing.
I've never read it.

This application contains

your very first impressions
of me.

It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron.

The beginning of
the whole shebang.

This is all you wrote?

Three lousy lines?

Why would anyone need
more than three lines?

I'm describing a person,
not something complicated

like a wooden sailing ship
or proper dovetail technique.

I forgot what I wrote.

Can I hear it?

Why don't you read it yourself?

"Leslie Knope
is an absurd idealist

"whose political leanings

are slightly to the left
of Leon Trotsky."

So far, so accurate.

"If we were to work together,

"she would undoubtedly
drive me insane,

and it is possible that
we would murder each other."

You forgot the last sentence.

No, I didn't.

I remember that part.

It says, "Hire her."

[metallic clang]

Did you hear that?

Oh, it's--
it's a person.

It's another person!

Hello! Hello!

- Janitor!
- Hey!

- Hey, we're trapped in here!
- Hey!

Please, Mr. Janitor.

If you just look over here
for two seconds,

I'll do anything.

Hey!

I'll watch a foreign film.

I'll talk to a man
with a ponytail.

Oh, he's gone, Ron.
He's gone.

Why did you give me the job?

And that's what I don't get.

We should've never
worked together.

Why did you hire me?

Because of your interview.

Okay, that doesn't make
any sense.

I mean,
I remember that interview.

You were wearing
that exact outfit.

And you said to me, "Ms. Knope,
I have one question for you.

What do you believe the role
of government is in America?"

You blathered on for ten minutes

about social safety nets
and honest governance

and improving lives.

Basic nonsense.

Then you said, "Everything
that just came out of your mouth

"is basic nonsense.

Good day."

And that was it.

No, that was not it.

After I said
you were full of it,

you got very angry
and scrunched up your face

and said, "Excuse me, sir,
but I disagree."

[chuckles]

Did you let me have it.

That was one of
your top ten tirades, I'd say.

You were pounding your fist
and shaking.

You called me a heartless thug.

I most certainly did not.

You were tough and honest,

and you stood up
for what you believed in,

even though it might've killed
your chance to get the job.

I would rather work
with a person like that

than with
a milquetoast yes-man.

Should be one more thing
in that file.

Aw, it's the thank-you note
I wrote to you

after the interview.

You kept it.

"Dear Mr. Swanson,
I'm sorry

"for raising my voice
in the interview,

and I'm sorry
I called you a heartless thug."

Oh, well, okay.
There you go.

"If it matters,
I promise I would never

raise my voice at you
if we worked together."

Liar.

Yeah, I was being
really optimistic.

"Please enjoy
these homemade brownies

"as a gesture of goodwill.

Leslie Knope."

That was the real reason
I hired you.

Those brownies were damn good.

Ron, look how far we've come.

We're doing so great.

Let's just bring it home, okay?

Let's just talk about
our issues.

- Leslie, don't push it.
- Okay, fine.

If I guess and guess right,
you have to tell me.

Ready?
[snaps]

Two years ago, you found out
you were 1/4 French,

and you had a nervous breakdown.

Okay, playtime is over.

I'm getting out of here
once and for all.

No, Ron! God, no!

That alarm is just
for sprinklers.

April kept pulling it,

so the fire department
disconnected it.

I see.

Ron? I found some towels.

You okay?

[laughs] Wow.

Apparently,
Craig is studying yoga.

These are the only
dry clothes I could find.

Well, you look great.

I feel extremely angry.

Oh, come on.

Stop whining, you big baby.

I've seen you
with your eyebrows blown off.

I've seen you
without a mustache.

I've seen it all.

There's nowhere to run, Ron.

You have tried every possible
means of escape.

There's nothing to do but talk.

What happened

to these "workplace proximity
associates"?

Hmm?

Spill it.

You left.

Then a month later,
you took Terry with you.

Yeah, well, we needed
a mindless factotum,

and he's the best there is.

Amen.

Then you took April.

I didn't want her to go,
as she had become

one of my closest
workplace acquaintances.

But your offer was too good
to pass up,

so I didn't try to stop her.

Then Tom left
to run his business.

Donna left to run hers.

One day, I looked up.

Just didn't recognize anyone.

So I made a decision.

An unthinkable decision.

Hey.

Well, my, my, my.

Do my eyes deceive me?

Is that Ron Swanson?

Hello, Leslie.

Hello, April. Larry.

It's Terry now.

Okay.

- As luck would have it--
- One second. Oh.

Did you talk to Randy
about the vote?

Tell the Northeast that
we need to put pressure on them,

or else we're gonna be waiting
forever,

and I'm tired of waiting
on them, okay?

Sorry.
This is a crazy day.

So what's up with you,
you big lug?

Nothing important.

Just thought you might want
to have lunch.

- Tomorrow?
- I would love to.

It's been too long.
JJ's Diner, 12:30?

- Excellent. See you then.
- Okay.

So Randy says
the House is voting tomorrow,

and they need us in Washington
to prep.

Oh, my God, really?

Okay, get us the first flight
out of here

and grab the Missouri files.

Meet me at my car.

Hey, babe.
I got to go to Washington.

Can you pick up the kids?

Oh. Oh, no.

Ron, I stood you up for lunch.

You did, yes.

I waited for a while,
but it was pretty easy

to figure out what had happened.

Your life seemed pretty hectic.

Is that the rest of the story?

That I stood you up?

You were going to ask me
something.

That's why you wanted
to have lunch.

Ron, you were going--

- I was gonna ask you for a job.

In the federal government.

Just saying it out loud
feels dirty.

You missed your friends,

and you wanted to come up
to the third floor

and work with us again.

[sighs]

I can't even imagine how hard
that must have been for you.

God, why didn't I see that?

Ron, I am so sorry.

I should've been
a better friend to you.

Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.

It was a punctuation mark
on a sentence

that had already been written.

My time in
government work was over.

Sure, I loved
shutting things down

and bleeding the rotting beast
from the inside.

Your metaphors are so beautiful.

But it was time for me to leave,

and I didn't feel like
explaining why

to you or anyone.

Everything that happened
after--

the fight we had,

not giving you a heads-up
when my company took on

the Morningstar development

and bulldozed
the nurse's old house--

I do regret that.

I had a good run here.

But after you and Tom and Donna
and April and Terry left,

when I looked around
this office,

nothing was the same.

Yeah, well,
there's a way to fix that.

[Willie Nelson's Buddy]

[country music]

[muffled singing]

-
We didn't start the fire

Well, this is different
from what I expected to find.

Oh. Morning, guys.

Good morning, Leslie.

What did you do to the office?

Ron, you're wearing
my yoga clothes.

You're gonna stretch out
the elastic.

We're sorry.

[saxophone blats]

[laughs]

[gentle knocks]
Hey.

I moved our meetings to tomorrow

because you are drunk
and hungover simultaneously

at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Yeah. Good call.

Also, you have a visitor.

No, whoever it is,
I have zero interest in--

- Hello.

Ron!

Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.

We just spent 12 hours
together, woman.

Mm, don't care.

I have three years' worth
of hugs

to force upon you
against your will.

I have a small object for you.

Call it an official
peace offering, I suppose.

Wow.
This is very sweet.

But you do realize I gave you
this picture six hours ago.

The frame is the gift.

When my company took on
the Morningstar development,

and I realized it meant
bulldozing Ann's old house,

I salvaged her front door.

Then I stripped off

all the terrible paint
and lacquer--

people really don't know
how to finish wood properly--

and I made it into
this frame for you

in the event that
you and I ever...

Ron.

You big, fat, giant sap.

That seems unnecessary.

I love it.

But I feel bad.

I don't have anything for you.

I--For the first time
in my life,

I am present-less.

How 'bout you buy me a meal?

You hungry?

I'm starving.

April, Ron and I
are going to JJ's

to eat too much breakfast food.

Why does anybody in the world

ever eat anything
but breakfast food?

People are idiots, Ron.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0