All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e07 Leslie vs. April.eng

2020

Uh... that's a stretch.

Fine.
2024.

I win,
we move in there.

I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.

You can be the first gentleman.

Actually, that sounds
kind of great.

Thanks for coming with me
to get my stuff.

How could I pass up
an opportunity

to look at our future house?

Oh, just remembered.

I kind of got you
an engagement present.

Is it a waffle tower?

I mean, it's a little better
than that.

Claudia Welders.

Uh, that--
how did--

- How did you do this?
- Called in a few favors.

Excuse me.

A few hundred favors.

Mr. Vice President.

Ben Wyatt from
congressman Murray's office.

Hey, Ben. Dave told me
yowewere gonna be coming by.

And you must be Leslie Knope.

Welcome. Welcome.

You're--my name just came out
of your mouth.

Well, yeah, it did.

This isn't happening.

This isn't real.

No, it's happening,

and I'm delighted
to have you here.

On behalf of the president
and myself,

- I wanted to--
- Oh, Mr. vice president,

I am deeply flattered,

but there's no way
that I could take over

Madam Secretary Clinton's
position.

- I mean--
- I'm confident

you could do that job
or any other, but--

- Okay, I will.

Well, the reason
you're here is I'm told

you've done such a great job

in your town
and in the state of Indiana,

and I just want
to say congratulations

for your public service.

And I just want
to say thank you.

Well, you--
you're very welcome.

You're very welcome.

Hey--
y-you're very welcome.

- You're very handsome.
- I think we're all done.

- Well, you're very nice.
- Okay. Thank you.

Thank--
thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Well--
Oh, well, you will?

Thank you,
Mr. Vice President.

Y-you're welcome.

You don't let anything happen
to him, you understand me?

He is precious cargo.

Yeah, it's actually the same
accounting firm I almost joined

last year, and they gave me
a great package--

Three weeks of vacation,
matching 401(K),

and a pretty sweet windbreaker.

- Wow.
- I'm getting married,

and I wanted
a good stable job,

so I'm going back
to Accounting.

So just call me Bond,

municipal bond.

Yeah, that joke killed
at the accounting firm.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Looks
and Professor Books.

He's Looks.
I got it.

Of course you do, Books.
What's going on?

Well, fun fact: Ben just got
an amazing accounting job.

Regular fact:
I have to go to a meeting.

Un-fun fact:
My Uncle just had a stroke.

Well, I'm off.

This is actually
a crazy coincidence.

I have a new company

and could use your help
on the math side of things.

- Oh, what's the new company?
- We specialize in making stacks

on stacks
on stacks on stacks.

Right.
Pass.

I'm kidding.

It's a real idea.

So get this--

Kids are always growing
out of their clothes,

so their parents don't want
to buy 'em nice things.

I'm gonna rent
my upscale clothing

to middle school kids,
because I discovered

I'm roughly the same size as
the average Pawnee 12-year-old.

That's actually
a really great idea.

I know. Can you take a look
at the business plan,

tell me what do you think?

- Sure. Why not?
- Awesome.

Washington, D.C. has

more dog parks per capita
than most cities.

Pawnee only has two dog parks--

this one
and that one,

which is also
an active parking lot.

Can you say
"per capita" again?

I want to take a picture
of you saying "per capita."

- Stop.
- I am so proud of you.

Now stand next to the screen
and think about

all the strong female
role models in your life.

- Gross.
- April came to me

with an idea to build
a dog park in Pawnee.

I recognized her potential
a long time ago,

and she's finally
living up to it.

I mean,
I am so proud of her,

I could cry.

And... here we go.

One tiny critique.

If you do want
to be taken seriously,

you might want
to think a little bit

about how you present yourself.

No, this is publicity

for Orin's
new performance art show.

He's an animal
living on a human farm.

And you can go and feed him
from your own hand.

Ugh, that's horrifying,

and so is Orin.

You should not be friends
with him.

So, after reviewing
all the options,

I found that the best location
for the dog park

is Lot 48,

the one behind Ann's house.

No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been trying to put
a park there for four years.

See, the thing is, April,
that lot is mine.

I've been doing
slow, painstaking work

so I don't want to whip out
the legalese on you now,

but I got dibs.

What we are gonna do

is we're gonna take
your enthusiasm,

we're gonna bundle it up,

and we're gonna find a new place
for a dog park.

Doesn't that sound fun?

One, two, three, cheese.
Good girl.

Good morning, Andy.

Okay, something is different
about my computer.

Aha.
It's gone.

A game is the foot.

See, part of the police academy
entrance exam

is investigating a crime.

So about a month ago
I told everyone in the office

that, at some point,
they should steal something

from my desk
so I could practice.

Let's do this.

Wait, hey, did you guys
take my glasses too?

They got my sunglasses too.

I was in Miami
last weekend.

I took my talents
to South Beach.

How do you spend
your time in Miami?

Maybe fencing
stolen computers?

Yes, I took
your government computer

from Indiana to Miami

to sell it
on the black market

for 150 bucks.

Ha-ha, you don't know it,
but you just gave yourself away.

Gotta say,
I'm impressed.

Your mission statement
made sense,

and you didn't use
one R. Kelly lyric.

Yes.

So you want to be my CFO?

Well, I already have a job,

but I'll help
as a friend.

As long as you take
what I say seriously.

I don't want another
Entertainment 720 disaster

on our hands.

Yeah, it was a disaster.

Too bad
we didn't see it coming.

All right,
what's my first move?

You know, I think any
of the four previous locations

would work, but there's
something about this place.

It just has
a really good energy here,

you know?
lots of natural light.

It's tiny and awful
and loud.

And it's zone 14B,
industrial waste clean-up site.

We should technically be wearing
Hazmat suits right now.

It seems like the kind
of place a ska band would go

to shoot heroin.

Come on, guys, this is
a great place for a dog park.

I mean, look,
there's already a dog here.

Oh, my God.
I had that exact doll

when I was a kid.

This is--
this is traumatic for me.

Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48
is the only one that works.

And I'm definitely
bringing it up

at the next
city council meeting.

April, please,
I beg of you,

I will do anything
to keep you from doing that.

Okay.
Saw off your pinky toe.

- No.
- Shave your head.

- No.
- Have sex with Jerry.

No.

Well, I tried
to be reasonable.

I have created a monster.

And now I need
to destroy her.

What do I do, Joe?

Well, Leslie,

look into my eyes,
take a deep breath,

and everything will be fine.

Thanks, Joe.

God, he's good.

Ron, thank you for
agreeing to see me.

I didn't. You just walked
in here and started talking.

I don't have time
for a history lesson.

Look, I am trying
to remove parking meters,

and there is a guy
in Public Works

who's being
a real thorn about it.

- Which guy?
- Ricky Jordache.

Never heard of him.
What's his deal?

He's new.
He used to be a slacker,

but now he's realizing
his full potential,

but at what cost?

He's smart,
and he's beautiful,

and I think of him
in many ways as a daughter,

but that would be crazy
'cause he's a man

and his name's Ricky.

Here's my question.

How did you used
to slow me down

when I was becoming
too me-ish?

Sometimes I'd just give you
busy work.

I once had you put together
a brochure

about different kinds
of Indiana topsoil.

That soil brochure
was not busy work.

I mean, people still refer
to Mulch Ado About Nothing.

And if you were particularly
amped up about a project,

I'd take you to JJ's
and distract you with waffles.

Those were
distraction waffles?

I thought
they were friendship waffles.

Breakfast food can serve
many purposes.

But what if this person,
this Ricky, who is real,

doesn't like waffles

or anything.

Everybody has something
they're passionate about.

Just figure out what it is,
express an interest in it,

and divert his attention.

Howdy, neighbors.

Welcome to human farm.

Here's your animal feed.
Please don't feed the animals.

Wow, this is really,
really cool.

I like the statement it's making

that, you know,
we're all in cages in a way.

Yeah, it's actually
about death and the city.

Yeah.
I see that now.

Hi, Orin.

Ms. Wicks,
if you've read our proposal,

you'll see that an alliance
between Rent-A-Swag

and Sweetums could be
mutually beneficial.

Well, I must say
it's a much better idea

than the last one you had,

that gourmet French food thing.

Oh, my escargot
delivery service, Snail Mail.

So you want to partner up
and make history?

I mean,
you've already made history

as the world's
most beautiful CEO.

I'm really sorry, cutie.

The company's laying low
right now

due to a small mishap.

Ah, yes.

The Sweetums molasses
storage vat exploded,

resulting in a slow-moving
ecological disaster.

Well, all press
is good press.

No, this was bad press.

A lot of homes
were very gradually flooded.

People died.

Actually, speaking of,

we're starting up
a non-profit foundation

to restore our name.

Any interest in running it?

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, you want
me to run your non-profit wing?

I know that Bobby Newport
is my stepson,

but the work you did on Leslie's
campaign was amazing.

Your name is on our short list.

Just to clarify,

it's a no to me
on all fronts,

and you're offering Ben a job?

- Yeah.
- Cool. Cool.

Been looking at your file
all day,

Jerry--
if that even is your real name.

It's not.
My real name is Gary.

Well, Gary--if that even
is your real name--

Somebody stole my computer.
Now, if you're a criminal,

look at me,

you have to tell me legally,

or else it's considered
entrapment.

I'm sorry, Andy.
It wasn't me.

Oh, man, really?

- No.
- Okay.

Okay, so we know
it's not Jerry,

unless he was lying to me.

I can never tell
when people are lying to me.

Hopefully that doesn't come up
in my police work.

I think we should do
more stuff like this.

You know, I think Pawnee
needs an amazing arts program.

Maybe you should just drop
everything and coordinate it.

I'm not stupid.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that the only reason
you brought me here

is to distract me
from the dog park.

- You hate this show.
- I love this show.

- What's your favorite part?
- The heavy-handedness.

You know what,
I have to go talk

to Councilman Jamm right now.

Why are you talking
to Councilman Jamm?

Because I told him
about the dog park idea,

and he loves it.
He thinks it's a great idea.

He's gonna support my motion

at the city council meeting
tomorrow,

and he gave me
a really cool dental mirror

to check out my molars.

Our dispute aside,
you should be careful with Jamm.

He's a snake,
I'm telling you.

Yeah, like I should trust you
out of all people right now.

Moo.

- Moo.
- Quiet, weirdo.

Aren't you supposed
to be a sheep?

No.
You are.

Oh, shut up.

Tom would make
a great profile for your show.

I mean, this is a guy
who's learned

through an unbelievable series
of bonehead business moves.

Not to mention
in the last month alone

three people have confused me

for a shorter,
Indian Ryan Gosling.

It's interesting,
but I think I need to wait

until the business
has been around

for a few months,
make sure it's viable.

You're the guy who ran
the congressional campaign

- in Washington, right?
- Yeah.

What, are you gonna
offer him a job?

Yes.
We're launching

a new political chat show,
and we need correspondents.

Oh, well, thank you,

but I'm a little shaky
on live TV.

That's okay.
People want authenticity.

- Think about it?
- Didn't you hear him?

He stinks on TV.

He sweats.
He stutters.

It's like The King's Speech,

but the first part,
before he's fixed.

That was my favorite part
of the movie.

What is happening?

Chris Traeger.

Yup.
Hi, Andy.

I know you did it.

Did what?

Don't play stupid
and handsome with me.

You stole my computer
so that I could practice

for my police exam.

You're as guilty
as you are sexy.

Andy, another computer
was reported stolen

from the offices
on the other side

of the courtyard.

I don't think

this is part
of your police training.

I think City Hall was robbed.

I can't tell
if you're lying to me.

- Really?
- I think.

Like a real crime?
That's even better.

Next order of business:

It's agenda item 280B,

a motion to construct
a dog park

on municipal lot 48.

Ms. Ludgate,
you have the floor.

Thank you,
Councilman Jamm.

Your help
and general non-awfulness

is much appreciated.

Leslie,
members of the Council,

I believe that municipal lot 48
should be a dog park.

Boo.
Boo.

Well, it sounds like there's
considerable opposition to this,

so I'm sorry,
Ms. Ludgate,

you should go now.

Really?
I just heard one hag booing.

Ladies, please,
let's keep this civil.

Councilman,
Pawneeans,

satisfied customers
of Jamm Orthodontics,

as we discuss what type of park
to put on lot 48,

I had a thought.

How about no park?

Who here thinks
parks are stupid?

Let the record show that
everyone is raising their hands.

I happen to know for a fact
that Pawnee's favorite

fast food restaurant, Paunch Burger,
needs a new location.

Now, seeing as how the future
of lot 48 is open

for debate, I move
we sell it to Paunch Burger

for a nice profit.

You don't even have to be Asian
to do math that simple.

You told me
you wanted a dog park.

Uh, psych.

That's not fair.
You lied to me.

You just got jammed.

I hate
when he says that.

I told you
that Jamm was a snake.

Well, it takes a snake
to know a snake.

- So now I'm a snake?
- Yes.

You deceived me
for two straight days,

and you eat mice.

- I don't eat mice.
- Yes, you do.

You're a mouse eater.
Mouse eater.

- Mouse eater.
- Enough!

You are friends
and coworkers.

In this office, we treat
each other with respect.

Hey, April,
how is that dog park coming?

- Get out, Jerry.
- This is private!

Sorry, guys.

We are not leaving here
until you two figure this out.

Ron, guard the door.

Yes, sir.

No one leaves the Octagon.

I dated an ultimate fighter.

It was like a thing he said.

What's the play here,
officer?

You gonna set up a perimeter,

maybe bug a few phones?

Ooh, I know.
We could put out

a dummy computer
for them to steal,

fill it with explosives first,

Boom, take 'em all out.

Yeah, we're not doing
any of that.

Andy, I love your enthusiasm,
but we don't really have

the kind of money to launch
a massive investigation.

You're just gonna fill out
this stupid report

and that's it?

As a future cop,
you have to understand,

I cannot let this guy go.

Look, man, this is
what most police work is.

Just writing stuff down.

It's not superhero time.

If it sounds boring,

maybe you ought
to do something else.

Maybe we should find
the person

who stole
his positive attitude.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.
Get any more job offers

since I last saw you?

Yeah, but it was
just a management position

at Urban Outfitters.

I turned it down.

I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.

Maybe I should take
a cue from you

and stick
with my boring day job.

Well, my accounting job
isn't boring.

If it was
remotely interesting,

there would be a show
on A&E about it.

They have a show
about storage unit auctions.

Fair point.

Look, if you're passionate
about this,

keep at it.
Things will turn around.

Also can you tell me what time

that show
about storage units is on?

9:30.

All right,
I'm gonna have to force this.

Leslie,
maybe you want to admit

that you haven't been
the greatest role model.

I don't care.
Orin's my role model.

April, maybe you want
to admit

that you've been
a little selfish

and inconsiderate.

Look, all I ever wanted was
for you to show the enthusiasm

you showed for your dog park,
and, when you did,

I blew it.

- And I'm sorry.
- Fine.

I'm sorry that I outsmarted
you at every turn.

- April.
- And I know I have a lot

to learn from you,
and I'm sorry

that I disrespected
your stupid dream.

A lot of love
in this room.

- I'm very, very sorry.
- Me too.

- I love you very much.
- I love you too.

I don't want to do this
in front of her.

- Okay.
- Okay, Ann,

since you're such a genius,
what do we do now?

Neither of you want Jamm
to win, nor do I,

because I hate Paunch Burger,

but, if there is one in
my backyard, I will eat there,

like, every night,
and that is no good.

So I say we stop playing dirty
with each other,

and we start playing dirty
with Jamm.

- Yes.
We'll have triple-sex with him.

No. I have an idea.
It's very uncool,

but it's not illegal,
technically,

but it is a dick move.

I love it.

Hey, Captain.

Status update:

My new suspect--the dude
who runs carpet emporium.

The way I figure it is,

criminals love to wrap things
up in rugs.

Plus, he yelled at me when I
tried to unroll 'em all, so...

Andy, while I appreciate
your dedication

to finding this criminal,

I think you might want
to take into account

what the policeman said.

I mean, gosh,

if I can't even investigate
bad guys,

why become a cop at all?

What are you doing?

When I get bummed out,
I take my shirt off

because the bad feelings
make me feel sweaty.

You know what,
maybe I should bail

on being a cop.

City Hall needs
a new part-time security guard

for the weekends.

You want to do that?

Look at it as a way
to feel out

whether you want
to be a police officer.

But, keep in mind,
if you take this job,

you must keep your clothes on
at all times,

even if you get sad.

No deal.

Okay, I'll do it.

- That a boy.
- I'll do it. I promise.

And I get a gun,

and I can point it
in people's faces.

Incorrect.

Hey.
What the hell is going on?

Oh, hello, Councilman.

The dogs are here
because there's no dog park

in your neighborhood,
and the kids are here

because there's no human park
in your area.

They all needed
a place to play.

My front lawn?

That's right,

and they're gonna keep using it

until there's
an actual park nearby.

Hey, hey, lady,
get that thing off my gnome.

He is dry-humping
my garden gnome.

- Stupid beast.
- Councilman Jamm, we just need

a little bit more time
to design our park.

And, if you plow through
and ignore us,

this is gonna be your life.

I'll call the police.

Yeah, sic the police
on a bunch of kids and puppies.

- That's a great photo op.
- Fine.

Gentleman's agreement.

In 90 days,
we'll put our plans to a vote.

- Winner take all.
- Deal.

Great, now call off
the actual dogs.

I want these kids
off my lawn.

I want that hula hoop
off my 'Vette.

Right now.
Hey, Jamm.

You just got knoped.
And ludgated.

- And perkinsed.
- Ha-ha.

Nice try.
It didn't work.

You just got jammed.

Okay, so let's get to work.

Wait, wait, wait, do you
never just take a second

to enjoy things?

I just said,
"let's get to work."

How else do people enjoy things?

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

I know you changed your mind
the last time

we offered you a job,

but we are just thrilled

that you changed it again.

Thank you.
Me too.

This is our best office.

As you can see
through the window,

you have a great view
of the billing department.

- Hey, Sharon!
- Shh.

Sorry.
She's fun.

So, please,

if there's anything we can do

to make you happier
in your new job,

just let me know.

Oh, no,
this is great, Barney.

Thank you.

But I have to quit

again.

What-- ohh!
Is this a classic Ben joke?

No.
I'm really sorry.

But I just don't want
to do this.

I need to move my life
in another direction.

This is disappointing.
Again.

Maybe someday we'll figure out
the magic formula

that gets you to work here.

Well, formulas are my formula
for moolah.

Ted, get in here!

Ben's quitting again,
but you gotta hear what he said.

Leslie's been saying for weeks
I should do something

I love,
and she's right.

And I'll help Tom or maybe try
to do that TV thing

or maybe work
for the Sweetums foundation.

I don't know.
Life is short.

Why be an accountant,
you know?

I mean, other than the stability
and the health plan

and the above-average pay.

Oh, God,
this better work out.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0