All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s04e11 The Comeback Kid.eng

Oh, goody, you're all here.

Now, I know I'm not supposed to talk
about my campaign in the office,

but last night I've made a decision
about who should be my campaign manager.

This is a huge job.

This is going to require
a lot of late night,

one-on-one jam sessions
with me,

and we're going to bounce ideas
off of each other,

you're going to have to take
calls for me,

any time, day or night.

The person I have chosen is,
drum roll please,

Ann Perkins! Yay!
Give it up for Ann!

Good choice.

Leslie, I don't know the first
thing about running

a political campaign.

Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.

You're smart as a whip
and you're cool under pressure.

You've resuscitated a human
heart in your bare hands.

No, I haven't.

- You haven't?
- No!

You will.
You're that good of a nurse.

What about Ben?

I mean, he ran for mayor
at 18 and won.

Ben is poison in my campaign.

Our relationship is the reason
why my advisors pulled out.

- I--
- Ann,

don't listen to your head
or your heart.

Just look at my eyes
and say "yes."

- Okay, yes.
- Yes!

- I believe in you, Ann.
- Thank you.

And your first job
as my campaign manager

is to start dressing like one.

I don't want to have this
conversation again.

Again? You just hired me eight
seconds ago.

Wow. You're doing
a really bad job.

- William, Elizabeth.
- Leslie, hi.

Hi. What are you--
Are you coming to see me?

Did you hear that I'm
relaunching my campaign?

Actually, no, sorry.

We weren't here to see you.
We've been meeting with

other potential candidates
for city council.

Oh, really? So, my campaign
ends and, just like that,

you find someone else and run theirs?

Yes, that's our job.

I know.
Good luck, but, uh,

I just had a big meeting
with my new advisory board,

and they're brilliant and amazing.

They're real killers.

Leslie, I tried to make
ramen in the coffee pot

and I broke everything.

Thank you, Andy.
I'll be right in.

Well, uh, good luck,
Leslie. Honestly.

Well, we don't need luck.
We are a rocket ship.

We are relaunching,
and we're going to blast past

your cann--
Huh, they're gone.

It's true--I no longer have
highly-trained,

professional campaign managers.
So what?

Are most murders committed by
highly-trained,

professional assassins?
No.

They're committed by friends
and coworkers.

That analogy was way better
in my head.

Hi.

Champion? Oh my gosh,
there you are, puppy.

- That's a good boy.
- That is a three-legged dog.

His name is Champion, because
he's the dog world champion.

Okay, I have to ask this, I'm sorry,

but how many legs did that dog
have when you found him?

Three! That's what
makes him the best.

He can do more with three legs
than most dogs can do with four.

Except for digging.
He's really bad at digging.

And you remember what you said

about making decisions in the house?

You want to be involved.
We get that, so...

You just say the word,

and Champion goes back to the pound,

where he can be put down
and killed forever.

I'm not gonna send
a three-legged dog to his death.

Yes!

But I'm not gonna
take care of him for you.

Well, it would be nice
if you helped a little.

Because, unlike you,
Andy and I have jobs.

Cruel, but fair.

So Leslie and I have
come up with the theme

for the campaign relaunch rally.

"The Comeback Kid."

Everyone loves
a good comeback story. Rocky.

Robert Downey, Jr.

Terminator said,
"I'll be back," and he was.

Also making a comeback--
the casual Hawaiian shirt.

Well, well, well,
look, who's ahead of the curve.

I was joking.

You should soak that
in bleach and burn it.

Okay, so, the rally's
going to be held tomorrow

at the Pawnee Sports Building.

April, you finalized a rental, right?

Shut up, Ann.

I told you never to talk to me.

That was Champion.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Bad dog!

Yes, everything's fine
with the rental.

Ron, you're constructing the stage?

Yes, ma'am.

Leslie wanted to hire
a contractor to build a stage.

I don't want to paint
with a broad brush here,

but every single contractor
in the world

is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Seal the edges by crimping
the fork--aw, crap.

Ed!

What's up, Chris?
Come on in, man.

I already did.

So, uh, how you been?
How are you doing?

- How are you?
- Great, actually.

I'm just learning how to
make a "cali-zoin-za."

Or, as you Americans
like to say, calzones.

- Do you want one?
- No, I find calzone fatty,

and unnecessary.

So, you've hit a bit of a rough patch,

and I care about you,

so I just want to make sure
you're doing okay.

Chris, honestly, I'm great.

I'm just exploring whatever fun
activity pops into my brain.

Like, check this out.

I'm teaching myself how to do
Claymation videos.

Isn't this just so cool?

It is so cool!

Ben is massively depressed,
and he needs my help.

You look like a real campaign manager.

Oh, thanks, that's because
I googled "campaign manager"

and noticed that they wear
a lot of dark colors.

See, there's more things
to look at on the Internet

- besides naked guys, Ann.
- What?

I need a team update,
campaign manager.

Okay. Pistol Pete Disellio
will be here in five minutes.

I still can't believe
that you got him.

Ann got local hero Pistol
Pete Disellio

to endorse me at the rally.

In 1992, Pistol Pete's
last-second dunk

against Eagleton High clinched
a comeback victory

for the Pawnee Central
drunken savages.

Team mascot later changed.

Akash, buddy, of course
I came to you first.

You're the best carpet man in Pawnee.

But here's my question--

Do your carpets match your drapes?

How do you make any event classy
on a budget?

Red carpet.

My entire apartment is red carpet.

On top of that,
leading into my bedroom,

a second red carpet.

Oh, what's this in my shoe?

Red carpet insole.

Everywhere I go,
I'm walking on red carpet.

Is there even enough room
for everyone?

- Here, sit on my lap.
- No, that's humiliating.

Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?

No, that's Champion's spot.
He called it.

Tom, we're already late.

Now, be a man, and sit
on that girl's lap.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Pete Disellio.

We can call you Pistol, right?

I prefer Pete.

Oh. Okay, got it.
I'm Leslie Knope.

We overlapped a year
at Pawnee Central.

You probably remember my voice

from the morning announcements.

This is my campaign manager,
Ann Perkins.

Hi, nice to meet you.
Come on in.

Oh, thanks.

- I'm excited to be here.
- Ah! We're excited to have you.

Ann is killing it.
My campaign team is unstoppable.

This rally is going to be awesome.

Oh, my God, I'm feeling it!

I'm gonna break dance!

Leslie?

Coming! Thank God.

Oh, Champion is a way better
kisser than you are, babe.

- Nuh-uh!
- Yes, he is.

He's even a better kisser
than me. Here, try some.

Okay, stop it.
He's drooling on me!

Oh!

- This is unsafe.
- Ha ha!

Oh, we should do it for the kids.

Kids love it, Ron.
Just for the kids.

Hi, kids! Hey!

Oh, look.

The police even love it.
They're sirening back to us.

That's awesome, I was
going to tell them that we--

Heard ya, bud!

And then, you come out,
and you dunk the ball,

and you say, "Voting for Leslie
Knope is a slam dunk!"

You can still dunk, right?

- Oh, I can, but I won't.
- Sorry?

Look, everywhere I go,

everybody wants me to
talk about that dunk,

and that game.

It feels like I'm living in the past.

But the past is great.
The jitterbug, stagecoaches,

Herman Munster.

Look, Leslie, I read up on you.

You've done great stuff
for our parks system

and I will happily endorse you...

As Peter Disellio,

regional distributor
for Derwin ham loafs,

but if this is about who I was,
or what I did when I was 17,

I'm out of here.

Let's not talk about dunking anymore.

Let's talk about what you want to do.

- Okay.
- I think you want to dunk.

I'm not going to dunk the ball.

What about a layup?

Officer, I've been operating
heavy machinery

since I was eight years old.

Now, I respect you
and your service to this town

and your country,

but what laws are we breaking exactly?

Well, you got four people
in the front seat,

nobody's wearing a seat belt,

you were speeding
and blasting your horn

through the hospital zone,

the rear of the vehicle's open,
debris has been falling out,

and you don't have a commercial
license to drive a truck.

Okay. Well, we have
a philosophical difference

on what constitutes a law.

I need to see your hands

and could you step out of
the vehicle, please?

Hi. I just wanted you to know
we're about to be arrested.

Oh my God, April, that's horrible.

Where are you?

"My mother's butt," really?
That's really helpful.

Let me talk to her.

April, this is city council
candidate Leslie Knope.

Do not make any trouble.

Sit tight.
I'm on my way.

- Whoa. You just hung up on her?
- She'd already hung up on me.

Okay, I'm going to go down
there and get them out,

because men in uniform love me.

You have to get Pistol Pete
to make that shot.

Okay, but if I don't,
it's no big deal, right?

- You'll just make your speech?
- He's our surprise headliner.

The whole town loves him.
I'm polling at 1%.

He must dunk, Ann.

Do whatever it takes.

You know, anything short
of sexual favors.

- What?
- I do not--

I repeat, I do not

want you to tempt him
with sexual favors.

- I wasn't going to.
- Good, I wouldn't either.

That's where I draw the line.

Although, I am a little offended

that you wouldn't do that for me.

- Go.
- Right.

- So, Ben...Why Calzone?
- Glad you asked, Chris.

You know, there's fast food
hamburgers.

There's fast food Mexican.

There's fast food Chinese.
Blah blah blah.

Have you ever wondered

why there isn't a fast food
option for Italian food?

What about pizza?

Pizza?
Never heard of it.

That's what people will be
saying in 20 years,

because pizza is old news, Chris.

Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.

Never thought of it that way.

What I'm talking about is
a portable, delicious meal,

that is it's own container.

It's a whole new spin
on Italian fast casual dining.

Amazing.

And you of all people will like this.

I'm gonna use
low-fat ingredients.

Game-changer.

And I will call my new
Italian fast casual eatery

"The Low-cal Calzone Zone."

That idea is literally
the greatest idea

I've ever heard in my life.

That idea is terrible.

Glen, you're killing me.

They broke about 50 laws, Knope.

And that girl, she tried to get
that gimp dog to bite me.

Look, I could sit here
and fill out all the paperwork,

but you and I both know that
you'd rather go home to Debra,

have a nice home-cooked meal,
and do what comes naturally.

That's not appropriate.

You know that I'm gonna
pay all the fines.

I'm in the middle of a campaign
rally, and this is my team.

- I need them, please.
- Fine.

But unless one of you
has a commercial license,

you can't take that truck.

It would just mean so much to us.

I mean, you're a living legend.

They still air that game every
Friday night on cable access.

Yeah, well, being a living legend is

sort of a double-edged sword.

Everybody in this town
still calls me "Pistol."

Tell me more about that, Peter.

I mean, yes, that dunk,
it made me famous,

but sometimes...

Sometimes life dunks you.

Hey, man, you want to go for a jog?

Just, sort of, kick out the cobwebs,

get some endorphins going?

Oh, no, thanks, Chris.

Kind of tearing this Claymation video

a new one right now.

You know, Ben, I really think

you need to take a step back here.

I think getting some
perspective would be good.

What are you talking about?

I've known you a long time.

And, right now, you need help.

- With my Claymaish?
- With your life.

You are wildly, insanely depressed.

Depressed?

I'm the furthest thing from depressed.

I mean, look at what
I've accomplished.

Do you see him?

Do you think a depressed
person could make this?

No.

- That's all we can fit in here.
- No problem.

This is going to be fine.
We're all going to be fine,

because the team is still together,

and there's nothing the team can't do.

Wait, I think Champion
has to go to the bathroom.

- Oh! He shall do it in the car!
- Answer your phone, Ann.

That's what life is like

in a strict Roman Catholic household.

Of course, my father,

he was more stick than carrot

when it came to matters of discipline.

I'm sorry, but the Ben Wyatt
that I know,

I just don't think he'd be
happy sitting here

faffing around.

I'm not faffing around.

I've sunk myself into my hobbies.

Here, I'll show you my
Claymation project, okay?

Now, I've been working
pretty hard on this,

and...I think
it's really good.

So just hang on to your hat, okay?

Here it goes.

Oh, how great.

- Did you pause it?
- No, I--hang on.

Oh, my God.
That's the whole thing.

- That's three weeks of work.
- You're gonna be okay.

No, no, no, no, I'm not.
You see, in my head,

I thought that was really,
really cool.

I emailed Leslie two days ago

and I compared it to Avatar,

Chris, and how can it not be longer?

Okay, look, what you're
feeling, right now

is regret and shame.

Okay, no word from Ann.

April, I need a status report.

- How's it looking out there?
- Perfect, but just one thing.

It's not a basketball court any more.

It's an ice skating rink.

Wait, what? Why?
What happened?

The stupid guy I called to
book this place didn't tell me

they took off the basketball
floor for a hockey game.

Or maybe he did tell me,
but he was so stupid and boring

that I wasn't listening,

and either way, it was his fault,

because he was stupid and I hated him.

Ron, how's the stage coming?

Well, since we had to
jettison the bulk of the wood,

this is the biggest I could make it.

Oh, my God.

Good lord, what happened
to the rest of my face?

We had to "Jetsons"
most of the poster too,

but I kind of like it,

'cause windows
are the eyes to the house.

Wow.

- Okay, I got Pistol Pete.
- Good, where is he?

Right now, he's curled up
in the back seat of my car,

talking about his father,
who is a piece of work.

I actually think he did the best
he could for a single father,

but I may be too close
to the situation.

Anyway, the important news
is that he's here.

Good. Is he going to
dunk for me?

I'm not sure, I couldn't
hear through all the crying.

- He's crying?
- No, I was crying.

It's been a stressful day,

and he's had a really rough life.

Oh, my God.

We should cancel it, right?
Maybe we should cancel it?

- Yeah.
- Jerry...

You were in charge of getting a crowd.

Please tell me that you pulled
a Jerry, and no one's here.

Okay, well, first of all,

I don't like it when you guys
use that term.

But for the record, I came through.

There are almost
a hundred people out there!

Oh, damn it, Jerry, you just
had to do your job, didn't you?

Yeah, can't you do anything
wrong, Jerry?

I've been looking
at our utter and complete lack

of experience as a positive thing,

but I'm starting to think

it actually might be a problem.

Okay, guys, everybody listen up.

I just wanted to say thank you.

You've all volunteered
your time and, no matter what,

I am eternally grateful for it.

Now, I'm going to go out there,

and I'm going to
announce the relaunch,

and I'm going to muddle through
this thing as best I can.

You should all leave,
and when this thing is over,

I'll meet you at the nearest bar.

That would be Hurley's.

- Oh, it's karaoke tonight!
- Yes!

No, no, no, guys.
No. We're not leaving, okay?

We're the reason
Leslie's in this mess.

It's our mess.
We're going to stay here

and we're going to
go out there as a team.

Or, we go as a team to Hurley's.

No, Ann's right.

We're a team.
We're all going out together.

Let's give this crowd a show.

Go, team!

Tom?

Couldn't afford enough premium carpet

to get us to the stage.

I mean, it was a short walk,

but it was pretty luxurious, right?

Okay.

Everybody smile and wave.

Stop leaning on my arm, Andy.

I'm holding the dog.

He is peeing.
He is now peeing.

I am putting him down.

No, Ron, he only has three legs!

- Get off me!
- No, I'm scared!

Ron? Ron?
There's no stairs.

How do I get onto the stage?

Oh!

Okay.

Uhh! Uhh!

Uhh!

Mm-mm.
Here you go. Drink up,

because it has every herb
in my herb belt.

Oh. Tastes like a belt.

I know, isn't it awful?
But it works wonderfully.

So, tell me.

Do you admit that you're depressed?

How did you know?
I didn't even know.

The Letters to Cleo t-shirt,
the unshaven face,

the Doc Martins, and your hair
does not have that normal,

uptight, rigid, inflexible
Ben Wyatt sense of fun.

You can't hide
these things from friends.

I think I'm feeling better.

Herbal smoothie,
you have done it again.

As a loyal pawneean, I've
always been proud of this town,

and, I, oh, um, sorry.

My cards got out of order here
when they fell.

Together, we can defeat
obese children.

I'm sure that was something
positive, originally.

I'm sorry, okay, this is
just a disaster, isn't it?

This is the worst political
event ever in history.

Well, um, I can assure
you people in the bleachers

that, if you follow my campaign,
it will be interesting.

It sure will be!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Pistol Pete,

and around here, I'm a Pawnee legend!

I just wanted to say that
I fully endorse Leslie Knope.

She's got a great team behind her,

and a vote for her is a slam dunk.

Thanks, Pistol Pete!

Wow, we're so happy to have you.

Oh, hey. There he goes.

Come on, Pete!

Oh!

Okay, stay still.
Stay down.

Pistol Pete, everybody.
Still got it.

- Hey.
- Hey, how was the rally?

- Oh, we nailed it!
- No, we didn't.

Ben, my campaign manager
and I have made a decision.

We've decided to fire
the campaign manager--me.

- And hire you.
- But we've talked about this.

I don't care if you're
poison to my campaign.

This team has a lot of heart
and zero know-how.

You're the only one that can save us.

Please be my campaign manager.

You know, Leslie, Ben's really
been going through something,

and he's on a journey, so I
don't think he's gonna be--

I'll do it. I'm in.

I've done enough exploring.
I'm good.

- Okay, great.
- Ann, you're fired.

Oh, thank God.

No, don't make out.
It's making Champion sad.

Surprise!

We felt really bad about
the whole dredging up your past

just to be publically
humiliated thing.

- So, cookies.
- And balloons.

Thanks, guys. It--
that's nice.

We feel so bad.

Is there anything else we can do?

You could let me take you to dinner.

Yes, Ann, yes.
You should do that.

Oh, I can't, though,
because I'm married.

You're not married.
She's not married.

This is uncomfortable.

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