All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s02e14 Leslie House.eng

And it's because of you, our teachers,

that everyone of this recreation, classes in this catalog,

Shines like a jewel

In pawnee's beautiful crown.

[light applause]

Unfortunately,
due to budget constraints,

This year
we will have to remove

Five jewels from that crown.

- Excuse me?

Are you cutting our classes?

- Yeah.

The city, um, took away $1,000
from our budget.

So I'm very sorry.

- How will you decide
which classeto cut?

- By attendance.
And student evaluations.

So just make sure your students
leave with a smile.

- My class is called
"coping with terminal illness."

- Hopefully,
your attendance is good.

Actually, no.

Hopefully, it's bad.

Nobody's more upset about this
than me.

I've been taking
these rec center classes

Since I was in high school.

It's where I learned
hair braiding

And how to make biscuits,
french kissing.

The french kissing was just
from a boy in my biscuits class,

But either way,
lesson learned.

[triumphant music]

- I wanna go.

- We have to get tickets
in February

To go to rio de janeiro,
leslie knope.

- Okay.

I am on a date with justin
in indianapolis.

We've only been out
a few times,

But every one of them
has been amazing.

- Cheers.

- Last time, we had
a private tour and cocktails

At the indianapolis aquarium.

That fish over there
kind of reminds me of my mom.

- Why?

- It's...
Just being really withholding.

Justin is definitely
the most interesting guy

I've ever dated.

- All I did
was a little paperwork.

- Hmm. He's being modest.

It is thanks to him my family
remains in this country.

And it was all pro bono.

- Oh, justin.

- You have got to try this.

- Oh, that's really good.

- Isn't it great?
- Mm-hmm.

- It's camel stomach.
- Is it?

- I'm teasing, I'm teasing.
It's chicken.

[chuckling]

- Would you like to try
the camel stomach?

- No.

[laughing]

- Oh, this is me.

- So when am I gonna
see you again?

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna be near pawnee
on Tuesday.

- Excellent, yeah.

I'll plan something
exciting.

- Mm.
- In fact...

Our date in pawnee

Is gonna blow indianapolis
out of the water.

- All right.
I'm gonna hold you to that.

- Good, you better.

- I will.

- I've racked my brain

And I can't come up with
one exciting idea.

I mean, he once ate
fried cockatoo

With a member of
the thai royal family.

- Well,
maybe just have him over

And cook him some chicken

And tell him
it's pawnee cockatoo.

- A dinner party.
That's genius.

I'll invite all my most
interesting friends over,

We'll have this big
rambling party--

- No, I actually meant more of,
like, a one-on-one thing.

- I know what you meant,

But I took your idea
and made it better.

It's called a think tank,
ann.

- What is?
- Our lunches.

Our lunches are like
think thanks.

Okay, I want you to come over
to my house at 2:00

And help me get ready.

Oh, and make sure
that mark is coming.

Oh, so much work to do.
You're my best friend.

Now get out of here!

- How many courses
will there be?

- Three.
- Mm.

- Four.
- Mm...

- Not including dessert.
- So five courses.

- Yes. Now it will be
five courses.

- If I wanted to bring

A large number
of deviled eggs

But I didn't want to share them
with anyone else,

Can you guarantee
fridge space?

- Just be there at 8:00.

Oh, hey, tom.

I'm having an a-list
dinner party for justin

And you,
out of all my friends,

Come from the most distant
and exotic land.

- South carolina?

- [laughs]
save it for the party.

Can you make it?

- For justin,
are you kidding? I'm there.

Just don't invite
any boring people like jerry.

- What are you guys
talking about?

- Nothing.
- Don't worry about it.

- What?

- [humming]
[approaching footsteps]

- Leslie, hey.
- Hi.

- Check it out.
Just practicing.

- Isn't that polish
gonna get on people's butts

When they sit down?

- [scoffs]
no.

- Okay, listen.
I'm having a party.

- Mm-hmm.

- And, um, I thought maybe
you could help me with serving

And taking people's coats.

I'd pay you, like,
ten bucks an hour.

- My guardian angel,
I would love to.

Who's gonna be there?
- Really fun people.

Ron, tom, mark and ann.

- [clears throat]

That's great.
What's the occasion?

- Justin's coming to town.

- Hah...

Hey, it's me justin.

Take my coat,
but please be careful.

I got it from
the king of africa

When we were walking on the--
the berlin wall together.

Really, justin.

What instruments
do you play?

Actually--

Actually,
he's a pretty sick keyboardist.

Oh, great, I'm good to go.
That sounds great.

- Great.
- I'll see you there.

- All right.

- Afternoon, andy.

- [laughs nervously]
hi, hi, kyle.

You know, right before
you sat down,

I noticed, did you have
some kind of stain on your ass

Or something,
what was that?

- What?

- Oh, no, no, no.
You're good.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, ann.
- Hey.

- Welcome to my house
for the very first time.

- I know, I can't believe
you've never had me over.

- [laughs]

- Now I can believe it.

- I know, I know.
It's a little messy.

But I have a system.

So I just need you
to help me

Put the finishing touches
on everything.

- This newspaper's from
November 1986.

- Oh, the first rumblings
of iran contra.

Don't throw that out.

- I think I need to call
child services

And have leslie taken away
from herself.

[groans]

Leslie, don't take this
the wrong way,

But your house is like
a crazy person's garage.

What do you need
this birdhouse for?

- Ah--

- Can we get rid of it?

- Ah--oh--
I might need it.

- What about this one?

- Well, if two birds
come along.

- Leslie.

- Andy's gonna come over soon.

He can help us
with all this stuff.

- Andy?
No. No, no, no.

You need a team of professionals
to help.

- I have an idea.

Hi, is this maria portlesman

From organize your life
with maria portlesman?

- April, come here!

- What?
- Shake my hand.

- Why?

- I can't tell if
I've exfoliated too much.

I don't wanna creep justin out.

I want him to respect
my handshake.

- Why do you care about him?

- Justin is hip.

Pawnee is the opposite
of hip.

People in this town
are just now

Getting into nirvana.

I don't have the heart
to tell them

What's going to happen
to kurt cobain in 1994.

Hey, justin.

- Ew.

It's like touching
raw chicken.

- Damn it.

Gonna have to re-foliate 'em.

- Um, I'll need some help
moving the boxes,

But it's doable.

- Oh, thank god.
How much do I owe you?

- Oh, please.
No charge.

I just appreciate
the chance to demonstrate

How valuable my class is
to the rec center.

And I hope you'll
keep that in mind.

- Oh, no, no.
I insist on paying.

- Oh, no, no.
I insist on demonstrating.

- This is not going to affect
my decision at all.

- Oh, of course not.

- Stop winking.

- Hey, leslie,
I forgot to ask you.

What are you cooking?
- Five courses.

- Of what?
- Huh?

- Of what?
- Oh, god.

[chopping vegetables]

So how's it looking?
It smells great.

- Okay, the appetizers
are almost ready.

And I think that they are
a very good sampling

Of what
my level one class does.

Which I hope
you'll keep in mind

When you're making
your decisions.

- Tania, like I said
over the phone--

- I know.

It won't influence
your decision.

It's just that learning
to cook

Is very important
in this day and age.

- Is it?

- Hey, andy.
- Hey.

- Are you gonna be all right
tonight?

- What?
'cause of mark and justin?

They are just guests at
a really awesome dinner party

And I will treat them
as such.

- That sounds
very professional.

- Thank you.

I promise I will not
spit in anyone's food,

Unless they should request
that I do.

- Good.
- Did I do this right?

- I don't know.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, mark.

Welcome to my humble abode.

- Well, thank you.
Wha--oh.

This is way cleaner
than the last time I was here.

- You've been here?

Right.

- When was mark here before?

- Oh. Sex.

- I can't wait
to talk to justin again.

Last time he told me about

How he snorkeled
with whale sharks in madagascar.

That was after I told him

That I sometimes go swimming
at the "y."

- Oh, thank you, son.

Leslie knope.

I believe you've arranged
accommodations for these.

- Yes, I have.

- Uh, hey, ron swanson,
you didn't happen to hear about

The incident with mayor
gunderson's dog, did you?

- Oh, my god,
it was a blood bath.

- No, no, no.
No talking.

Everybody stop talking...
Until justin gets here.

Don't use up your stories.

- Well, I think somebody
from animal services

Is gonna get canned.

- Oh, my god,
what part of not talking

Do you not understand?

Please have a good time
and shut your mouth.

I just want this dinner party
to go well.

There are very few things
I've asked for in this world:

To build a new park
from scratch,

To eventually
become president,

And to one day
solve a murder on a train.

I think it's fair
to add this to the list.

[overlapping conversations]

[doorbell rings]

- Guys, justin's here.
That's justin.

Everybody.
Start talking.

[silence]

Wow...

Oh...

Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Sorry I'm a little bit late.

- Oh, that's okay.

Welcome to
my very interesting party.

- Andy dwyer.

Can't wait to catch up
with this guy.

- All right, justin,
may I take your coat, sir?

- Why, yeah. Thank you.

Can't wait.

I finally get to hang out
with all your friends tonight.

- I know, it's gonna be
super fun.

It's gonna be a blast.

Really, really, really,
just, like, the best

And most exciting night
of your life.

I cannot overhype it enough.

- All right,
let's get started.

- What's up, j?
- How are you doing, man?

How are you? Justin.
- I have the swine flu.

- Oh, I'm sorry--
- no, she doesn't.

- [knocking on door]
yo.

- Yo.

- Is that justin's coat?

- Oh, yeah.
Isn't it awesome?

He got it in cambodia

When he was hiking
mount everest.

- Let's put chewed up gum
in his pockets.

- That's genius.
But I can't.

Leslie's being super cool
to me.

I can't screw over
her boyfriend's jacket.

- I'll do it when
you're not in the room then.

- That would be terrible.

I'm being sarcastic.
That would be awesome.

- God, india is so amazing.
Let me tell you something.

That is my absolute
favorite place to travel.

Where did you say
your parents were from?

- Um, the south part.

- Oh, the southern part's always
the best part of anything.

- Have you ever been
to the kanmian mosque,

Down in tamil nadu?

- Are you kiddin

My uncle practically
runs the place.

I've prayed there.
It's sick.

- Tell me everything,
right now.

- One sec,
I just gotta hit the loo,

As those bastard
british imperialists would say.

[laughter]

Last time I was in india,
I was eight years old.

And I stayed inside the whole
time playing video games.

I gotta bone up.

Fourth largest coal reserves
in the wld.

- This is the best
old fashioned I have ever had.

Where did you find
this bartender?

- Oh, ah, I think,
I don't know.

Like maybe the yellow pages?

- There's no way
that you're paying him enough.

- Well, if you want, I could
teach you the secret to great--

- Shh!

- Leslie.
- Ann, get over here.

- I'm here, already.
- Good.

Okay, do you think
this party's going well?

I mean, can you see justin?
Is he having fun?

- Justin is over there
talking to mark happily.

- Okay, good.
Yeah, good.

I'm just gonna casually
make my--

- So my face is literally
on fire,

But it's
this weird chemical

So no one can see
the flames.

Um, I'm dancing around,
freaking out.

I end up having to dunk
my face

Into a bucket of sand.

- Unreal.
- Unreal?

- Oh, my god.
That is unbelievable.

- Oh, my god, that's--
isn't it, ann?

Unbelievable.

- It didn't happen to me.

It was a kid I knew
from camp.

But a great story
is a great story.

Well, plus the kid
can't tell it.

His mouth melted.

[overlapping conversation]

- Dinner is served.

- Oh. Excellent.

- Hi. Oh.

I'm sorry, are we late?

- What the hell are you doing?

How could you invite wendy
when ron's here?

He's gonna wrap her up
in his moustache

And take her home.

- We agreed that
we should invite

Interesting people
for justin,

And wendy is
an interesting person.

And I've been telling you
for weeks

That you should tell her
how you feel.

Now's your chance.

- Oh, yeah,
that makes sense.

No, it doesn't!

Not cool. At all!

- He'll get over it.

- No, I won't!

- The first course
is a mexican bean soup.

- Ooh. Dios mio.

- Are these peppers
for consuming?

- Uh, I wouldn't.
They're very hot.

- I'm gonna give it a try.

Mm. Hot.

- You're very brave.

- Please. That was one of
the tiny ones.

â™?this is how you eat it â™?

- Don't do that, tom.

- Mm. [bleep]!

- Uh, um, uh--

This is something.

Justin, derek and ben
are gay.

But often on occasion,

April will have relations
with derek.

Right? Crazy stuff.
Discuss that.

- There's not much more
to discuss.

You kind of explained it all.

- [sighs]

Who else is gay?

Tom, I need your help.
There was a lull.

I saw justin yawn.

Please tell me that yawning
is a sign of excement

In india or something.

Tom, focus.
- Ah!

- God, you're no help.

Yes, just to be clear,
um,

This will in no way
influence me.

It won't affect my decision

And it has no bearing
on the future of your class.

- Hey, little buddy.

Everything okay?

That took a long time.

- Mm, poor tommy.
He has a very frail colon.

- I feel your pain,
brother.

Hottest thing I ever put
into my mouth

Was in this remote village
in southern brazil.

- Ooh, this sounds good.
- Yeah.

They take a little bit
of scorpion poison

And they serve it to you--
[doorbell rings]

- I wonder who that is.
- Oh.

- Who could that be?
- More people.

- A belly dancer?

[laughs]
what?

It's weird, but, uh,

She just showed up.

I mean,
I'm not the kind of person

That's gonna throw
someone out or, you know,

Not let them in
if they randomly show up.

I--I don't know how
they all got here.

You know, people hear about
a killer party

At knope's house,
they all come a-runnin'.

- You don't do origami
every day, do you?

- They brought in
a little entertainment,

Thank god.

'cause that justin
is so boring.

- What are you talking about?
He's incredible.

- Yeah, he's not gay,
but if he were,

I would totally break up
with ben for him.

- Yeah, I would understand.

He's amazing, right, April?

- Right, April?
Don't we love him?

[chuckles]

- Yeah, he's actually
kind of awesome.

- You're underage.

I could lose my liquor license,
I'm sorry.

- Andy.

- Hey, are you having fun?

- All I can say is this is
not what I was expecting.

[bell rings]

I cannot believe there's more.
- There's not.

- Miss knope.

I understand that
you're currently evaluating

The rec center teachers.

- You're doing what, leslie?

- I demand an evaluation.

- Okay.
What course do you teach?

- When it comes to choosing
accounting software,

There's no accounting
for taste.

[chuckles]

- [laughing]

- The advantage
of quickbooks pro is that

It's easy to assemble
a list of vendors--

- Well, this is great.

I'm heading home,

So as not to have to be here
anymore.

My office first thing
tomorrow.

- Yeah, I think we're probably
gonna take off too.

- The--the demonstration
takes another 45 minutes.

- Yeah, guys, please.

Everybody,
can you just stay, okay?

Justin, would you--

Oh, my god.

- I promise you, miss knope,

This disciplinary committee

Will go over every detail
of what happened last night

And we will determine
whether you are guilty

Of abusing your power.

Do you have anything
to say before we begin?

- Just that
I'm looking forward

To the truth coming out.

- I would like to say
that leslie

Is incapable of using people
for her own gain.

- Thank you, tom.

- But I can't because

Leslie loves using people
for her own gain.

- If I may, phil,

I'd like to say something
to tom on the record.

- This has all been
on the record.

- I'm very sorry that
I invited wendy to the party.

- Is wendy one of
the teachers?

- No, she's my soon-to-be
ex-wife.

- And hopefully
then-to-be future wife.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I put a new romance
in front of an old friendship.

- Okay.

- I put a beautiful man

In front of
an adorable man child.

- You're ruining it.

- I put a big white stallion

In front of
a little brown pony.

- Totally uncalled for.

- Ron swanson will be next.

- When it comes
to government hearings,

The only type of witness
I enjoy being

Is a hostile one.

That's why I intend
to answer

Every one of their questions
with a question.

- Were you aware that all of
the entertainment and food

Was provided by
rec center teachers?

- Would I have stayed
if I knew that?

- I don't know.
Would you have?

- Would you have?

- No, I wouldn't have.

Did you hear leslie
make any promises?

- What constitutes
a promise?

- A quid pro quo.

- Oh. Do you know latin?

- Okay. Thank you, ron.

- Are we done?

- Can I get a shine?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
We're closed.

Due to betrayment.

- Well, I'm sorry.

But I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Why don't you ask
your new best friend?

Whose name is justin.
- Justin?

- Yes.

- I would,

But he's probably
too busy...

Cleaning gum
out of his coat pockets.

- Wow. Unbetrayed.

- So you don't work
for the government,

And you had no idea
that these people

Were teachers from
the local rec center.

- No.

I was simply attending a dinner
party at my friend's house.

- Why is he here, ms. Knope?

- That will become clear.

Mr. Anderson, could you please
describe that evening?

- Well, I had
a very pleasant time.

And from my perspective,
there was no abuse of power

With respect to ms. Knope
and any of her various guests.

- Could you define pleasant?

Did you have a good time?
Did you have a great time?

Be specific, and do you remember
that you're under oath?

- Mm-hmm.
I had an amazing time.

- But you fell asleep.

- Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

No--look, I, uh,
you know,

I'd been given a case
the night before.

So I had to stay up
all night working on it.

I didn't want to cancel.

- You should have told me,
I would have rescheduled.

- Are you kidding me?
I was looking forward to it.

I had an awesome time.

Which had nothing to do
with the rec center teachers.

- No further questions.

- Okay.

We're going to take
a break,

And we'll let you know
what we decide

In about an hour.

- Great.

I will, uh, see you later.

- I'm in the middle
of official business

So I can't talk about it
right now.

- Okay.
- But yes, yes, you will.

- Great.

- [clears throat]

So did you get that?
He said "amazing" and "awesome."

So I'm gonna drive up
and see him next weekend.

There's some kabuki theater
festival happening.

- Great.

You're so relaxed.

You're not freaking out
about this at all?

- Okay, leslie.

We've reached our decision.

We're not going to take

Any further action
at this time.

- Thank you.

- It really helped that you
asked for this hearing yourself

And that you made
financial restitution

Out of your own pocket.

But I think we both know
you skirted a line here.

- You turned yourself in?
Why?

- Well, I did something wrong
and I felt bad.

So this morning, I donated
$1,000 to the rec center

So everybody could keep
teaching their classes.

- Okay, so why did you
ask for the hearing?

- Are you kidding, ann?

It's every girl's dream
to ask a dude

How their date went
under penalty of perjury.

I'm not proud of my actions,

But the most important thing
is there is now

An official government
document

That proves my dinner party
kicked ass.

- Tommy hav.
- J-train.

- What's up, buddy?

This might be none of
my business, but...

You need to ask wendy out.

For reals this time.

- Did leslie tell you?

- No. She didn't need to.

I saw it.

- I'm not gay,

But you're the most incredible
man I've ever met.

- That doesn't sound gay
at all.

See you later.

- Take care.
- Bye, brother.

- You sure you don't wanna
come hang out for a minute?

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