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1
00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:06,967
Among the more soul-satisfying
suburban activities...
2
00:00:07,262 --> 00:00:09,059
...is that collaboration with nature...
3
00:00:09,305 --> 00:00:11,500
...that brings fragrance
and beauty to the home. ;
4
00:00:11,766 --> 00:00:13,677
Horticulture.
5
00:00:13,935 --> 00:00:17,689
Husbands appreciate their wives'
efforts as they leave for their offices...
6
00:00:18,022 --> 00:00:20,855
...secure in the knowledge
their mates are at home digging...
7
00:00:21,150 --> 00:00:23,380
...rather than in town shopping.
8
00:00:23,735 --> 00:00:29,253
Patience, fortitude and loving care
are rewarded by fragrant blooms...
9
00:00:30,241 --> 00:00:32,914
...sturdy and bursting with colour.
10
00:00:33,244 --> 00:00:36,680
Providing, of course, you have
the proper soil and a green thumb...
11
00:00:36,998 --> 00:00:41,594
...or unless you happen to be
a witch.
12
00:01:42,016 --> 00:01:44,735
To think I'd ever live to see the day
a daughter of mine...
13
00:01:45,018 --> 00:01:48,135
...would be down on her knees
in the dirt digging for onions.
14
00:01:48,438 --> 00:01:51,874
I'm not digging for onions,
I'm planting gladiolas.
15
00:01:52,192 --> 00:01:56,424
- You're making a fool of yourself.
- Oh, now, Mother, don't be so stuffy.
16
00:01:56,779 --> 00:02:00,454
Everybody plants flowers around their
homes. It's part of the scheme of things.
17
00:02:00,825 --> 00:02:04,738
Anyway, it's fun planting seeds and
watching flowers grow in a natural way.
18
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:10,114
Yes, I saw an exhibition of
that natural growth this morning.
19
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:15,176
When whosis left for wherever
it is he goes in the morning.
20
00:02:15,672 --> 00:02:19,460
Well, I just didn't want to look
a failure first time at bat.
21
00:02:19,842 --> 00:02:21,161
First time at what?
22
00:02:22,052 --> 00:02:25,840
- "Bat," Mother, it's an expression.
- Yes, I know what a bat is.
23
00:02:26,223 --> 00:02:29,852
Those ugly flying things that people
think we're always cooking.
24
00:02:30,227 --> 00:02:34,379
Not that kind of bat, Mother.
A baseball bat.
25
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:38,613
I'm afraid you've lost me.
26
00:02:38,985 --> 00:02:41,419
It's a game people play.
Haven't you ever seen it?
27
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:46,246
- Oh, don't be absurd, Samantha.
- Well, it's every exiting.
28
00:02:46,617 --> 00:02:50,974
They play it with a ball
and a big stick called a bat.
29
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:56,699
One man throws it to the man
holding the bat, who tries to hit it.
30
00:02:57,043 --> 00:03:00,035
Then everybody chases the ball,
and the man who hits it...
31
00:03:00,379 --> 00:03:03,815
...runs in a circle on a field called
a diamond before anyone tags him.
32
00:03:06,301 --> 00:03:07,859
- You're not serious.
- Oh, yes.
33
00:03:08,095 --> 00:03:10,325
- Darrin took me once.
- I don't believe it.
34
00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:13,551
And the one who runs around
the most wins the series.
35
00:03:13,892 --> 00:03:15,848
Series of what?
36
00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:21,096
- Nothing. Just a series.
- That's typical.
37
00:03:21,482 --> 00:03:24,394
Typical. That's a human being
for you.
38
00:03:24,693 --> 00:03:28,288
Spend most of their lives running
in circles for a series of nothing.
39
00:03:29,281 --> 00:03:31,033
Would you like some coffee?
40
00:03:31,283 --> 00:03:34,195
- Love some.
- I'll wash out the cups and saucers.
41
00:03:34,994 --> 00:03:38,066
- Why?
- Because we only have two.
42
00:03:43,878 --> 00:03:46,108
Fresh. In the percolator,
I made it myself.
43
00:03:47,047 --> 00:03:49,356
No, thank you.
44
00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:53,706
I think I'll have a cup of Turkish kawa
this morning.
45
00:03:57,765 --> 00:04:01,724
- It's delicious. Have some?
- No, thank you.
46
00:04:02,061 --> 00:04:04,495
- And I wish you wouldn't do that.
- Do what?
47
00:04:04,772 --> 00:04:06,888
You know perfectly well
what I'm talking about.
48
00:04:07,191 --> 00:04:08,510
This is a normal household.
49
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:12,044
And I'm trying to avoid witchcraft
wherever and whenever possible.
50
00:04:12,362 --> 00:04:15,638
It's ridiculous, Samantha. You are what
you are. You can't change that.
51
00:04:15,949 --> 00:04:19,146
I'm not trying to change,
I'm merely trying to adjust.
52
00:04:19,452 --> 00:04:23,445
- He's trying to make you over.
- He's doing no such thing.
53
00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:27,999
Samantha, one of these days
you'll see that I'm right.
54
00:04:28,377 --> 00:04:32,450
I detest sounding like one of those
mothers who thinks they know it all.
55
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,830
But unfortunately...
56
00:04:35,258 --> 00:04:36,532
...I do.
57
00:04:40,012 --> 00:04:42,845
- Get away from the window, Gladys.
- Look at that house, Abner.
58
00:04:43,140 --> 00:04:45,938
There's something funny going on
with that house.
59
00:04:46,226 --> 00:04:49,502
Nothing funny,
it's an ordinary house.
60
00:04:50,355 --> 00:04:53,870
If one minute you saw trees growing
and the next minute you saw nothing...
61
00:04:54,192 --> 00:04:56,501
...wouldn't you think something funny
was going on?
62
00:04:56,820 --> 00:04:59,539
If you heard lightning
and whooshing noises all the time...
63
00:04:59,822 --> 00:05:02,620
...as if things were flying,
wouldn't you think a minute...
64
00:05:02,908 --> 00:05:07,299
...before being so sure that everything
was normal as blueberry pie, Abner?
65
00:05:07,705 --> 00:05:09,661
- Move, Gladys.
- You're not listening.
66
00:05:09,915 --> 00:05:11,985
- I'm listening.
- You're not interested.
67
00:05:12,376 --> 00:05:16,051
I'm interested, keep talking.
Just move a little.
68
00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:19,219
"Place cloves
approximately 2 inches apart.
69
00:05:19,549 --> 00:05:23,178
Sprinkle generously with brown sugar,
then add ginger ale..."
70
00:05:23,511 --> 00:05:26,344
Mother, Mother, hold it.
I have to get the cloves in first.
71
00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:29,597
Of course, I'd forgotten you do
everything the hard way now.
72
00:05:29,892 --> 00:05:34,124
It isn't hard, it's fun. Anyway,
that oven practically does it for you.
73
00:05:34,479 --> 00:05:38,313
All you have to do is set the dials
for whatever time you want dinner...
74
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,675
I forgot to ask Darrin
what time he'd be home.
75
00:05:41,944 --> 00:05:44,219
I guess I'd better go to the village
and call him.
76
00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:46,680
What's the matter
with your telephone?
77
00:05:48,284 --> 00:05:52,163
- Hasn't been connected yet.
- Is that all?
78
00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:56,652
There you are. You can call now.
79
00:05:58,251 --> 00:06:03,245
Well, just remember,
you did it, I didn't.
80
00:06:05,549 --> 00:06:07,426
Oh, hi, honey.
81
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:11,953
Well, I should be through here
about 6:30 and home about 8.
82
00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:14,183
I see you got the phone
connected, huh?
83
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:17,671
No. No, they won't be here
until later this afternoon. Bye, darling.
84
00:06:18,019 --> 00:06:19,850
Bye, darling.
85
00:06:22,857 --> 00:06:24,575
Move a little,
would you mind, Gladys?
86
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:28,571
Do you have any idea how nervous
I am about going over there today?
87
00:06:28,904 --> 00:06:31,737
- Lf you're nervous, don't go.
- Well, I've got to.
88
00:06:32,074 --> 00:06:33,905
I mean, we're part of
the Welcome Wagon.
89
00:06:34,159 --> 00:06:37,390
Shirley Clyde and June Foster and me,
we're the committee...
90
00:06:37,746 --> 00:06:40,863
...and you know how they're dying
to get in there and see the house.
91
00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:43,930
Move left a little,
I can't see the glass.
92
00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:48,328
It wouldn't surprise me
if none of us were ever seen again.
93
00:06:48,881 --> 00:06:52,760
- What did you say?
- Oh, never mind.
94
00:06:53,176 --> 00:06:55,212
Your shadow's on top
of the ball, Gladys.
95
00:06:55,512 --> 00:07:00,586
So help me! I wish you'd cut
this nonsense and develop a hobby.
96
00:07:12,236 --> 00:07:18,232
- About 20 minutes per pound.
- Twenty-five would be better.
97
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:22,534
Why, Mother, I thought you didn't fool
with mortal things like cooking.
98
00:07:22,870 --> 00:07:25,259
What I said was I didn't believe
in exerting myself.
99
00:07:25,540 --> 00:07:27,974
I didn't say I didn't know how.
100
00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:31,925
- Oh, I'll get it.
- Some of the girls coming to call.
101
00:07:32,254 --> 00:07:35,451
- Oh, really?
- Snooping, no doubt.
102
00:07:35,799 --> 00:07:39,030
I'm sure you won't mind
if I make myself scarce for a bit.
103
00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:43,337
- Coward.
- Discretion is the better part of valour.
104
00:07:48,352 --> 00:07:50,627
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
105
00:07:50,896 --> 00:07:53,968
I'm June Foster. This is Shirley Clyde
and Gladys Kravitz.
106
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:57,664
- We're the Welcome Wagon Committee.
- Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.
107
00:07:58,028 --> 00:08:00,144
Well, thank you very much.
Won't you come in?
108
00:08:00,405 --> 00:08:02,202
You sure you're not busy
with someone?
109
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:04,564
Maybe your mother,
maybe your sister?
110
00:08:04,826 --> 00:08:07,294
- No. Not a soul here but me.
- No one?
111
00:08:07,578 --> 00:08:10,297
- No.
- Oh, that's my boy, Robert.
112
00:08:10,581 --> 00:08:14,540
- Robert, now you behave yourself.
- Oh, he's a nice-Iooking young fellow.
113
00:08:14,877 --> 00:08:16,868
- Gracious.
- That's Shirley's son.
114
00:08:17,129 --> 00:08:18,926
I see.
115
00:08:19,464 --> 00:08:21,102
- Three.
- We don't know who he is.
116
00:08:21,341 --> 00:08:22,615
Oh, he's cute.
117
00:08:22,842 --> 00:08:25,720
We brought you this cake
as sort of a housewarming gift.
118
00:08:26,012 --> 00:08:28,845
- It's coffee cake.
- Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
119
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:31,449
Do you have a maid
with a large curly head around?
120
00:08:31,725 --> 00:08:33,602
Sorry, no maid.
121
00:08:35,896 --> 00:08:39,605
Now, children, if you aren't quiet,
you can't stay in here.
122
00:08:39,941 --> 00:08:41,454
No roughhousing, Stephen.
123
00:08:41,693 --> 00:08:43,684
Don't touch things
that don't belong to you.
124
00:08:43,945 --> 00:08:47,142
- Put that back wherever you found it.
- That's perfectly all right.
125
00:08:47,448 --> 00:08:50,679
Why don't you sit in the living room
and make yourselves comfortable...
126
00:08:51,035 --> 00:08:54,710
...while I put the cake in the kitchen.
- Why don't we all go into the kitchen?
127
00:08:55,038 --> 00:08:57,313
- We wouldn't mind at all.
- Of course not.
128
00:08:57,582 --> 00:09:00,096
After all, we're really not company...
129
00:09:00,377 --> 00:09:04,734
...and your nice things will probably
have to last you for a long, long time.
130
00:09:12,596 --> 00:09:15,156
Boys, all right, get up.
Now don't get into mischief.
131
00:09:18,518 --> 00:09:21,590
Oh, that's love...
132
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:31,944
- Would you like some cake and coffee?
- We'd love some. Where are the cups?
133
00:09:32,323 --> 00:09:33,915
Cups?
134
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,532
Not your good cups, of course.
135
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,437
Right over there in the cupboard.
136
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,605
That's bone china.
137
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:53,838
We haven't unpacked
the good stuff yet.
138
00:09:56,929 --> 00:10:00,604
- I can't seem to find the silverware.
- Silver?
139
00:10:00,932 --> 00:10:03,400
Well, it's right there in the drawer
to your left.
140
00:10:03,685 --> 00:10:06,324
- I thought I looked there.
- Well, look again.
141
00:10:11,859 --> 00:10:14,327
Napkins, ladies?
142
00:10:24,454 --> 00:10:27,093
- Hi there, lady.
- How do you do?
143
00:10:27,373 --> 00:10:29,489
I'm Black Bob,
the fastest gun in the West.
144
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:32,947
- I'm an Indian. He's a horse.
- Who are you?
145
00:10:33,295 --> 00:10:34,853
I'm a witch.
146
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:37,963
- Okay.
- You a good witch or a bad witch?
147
00:10:40,886 --> 00:10:43,081
Here come the bad guys.
148
00:10:43,346 --> 00:10:45,701
Little boy, here now.
149
00:10:46,015 --> 00:10:48,404
Little boy, here now.
150
00:10:53,355 --> 00:10:56,074
Of course, we don't want a freeway
coming through this area.
151
00:10:56,358 --> 00:10:59,395
Then on Monday, you're going with us
to picket the construction.
152
00:10:59,695 --> 00:11:00,844
I will?
153
00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:03,266
Do you have a gardener
that works in pyjamas?
154
00:11:03,573 --> 00:11:04,892
What?
155
00:11:05,158 --> 00:11:06,910
We're forming teams
of two girls each.
156
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,357
Shirley and I are leading picketing
teams, and Gladys will stand by...
157
00:11:10,705 --> 00:11:13,936
...in case someone has to sit down
in front of the cement mixer.
158
00:11:14,542 --> 00:11:17,579
- Me? Why me?
- We voted.
159
00:11:18,253 --> 00:11:21,211
- Nobody told me.
- It was a secret ballot.
160
00:11:22,632 --> 00:11:25,704
Then, of course, you'll help us
with the refreshments and...
161
00:11:27,136 --> 00:11:30,765
- The boys are awfully quiet.
- Yes, isn't that nice?
162
00:11:31,098 --> 00:11:33,328
Boys are always dangerous
when they're quiet.
163
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:36,434
- Let's check into this.
- Yes. Yes, of course.
164
00:11:36,937 --> 00:11:38,290
Nobody asks me.
165
00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:42,762
They just say, "Gladys, go sit down
in front of a cement mixer."
166
00:11:47,572 --> 00:11:50,166
What are you boys up to?
167
00:11:50,741 --> 00:11:52,811
There was a witch in here,
and she tied us up.
168
00:11:53,077 --> 00:11:55,796
- Yeah.
- Oh, that'll be enough of that.
169
00:11:56,497 --> 00:11:59,489
I think we better take them home.
They're getting pretty tired.
170
00:11:59,833 --> 00:12:05,066
- Oh, I understand.
- How did three of them get tied up?
171
00:12:05,630 --> 00:12:08,861
Oh, I'm so sorry.
For goodness sakes, what is this?
172
00:12:09,217 --> 00:12:11,333
- Calm down and don't get rowdy.
- Shirley.
173
00:12:11,594 --> 00:12:13,869
How do you suppose
all three of them got tied up?
174
00:12:14,138 --> 00:12:15,537
Boys will be boys.
175
00:12:15,764 --> 00:12:18,881
But if two are tied up,
who ties up the third?
176
00:12:19,226 --> 00:12:21,456
Stephen, stop pushing.
He's smaller than you are.
177
00:12:21,728 --> 00:12:24,686
- Shirley, if you had two kids...
- Just a minute, Gladys.
178
00:12:24,981 --> 00:12:29,452
- Don't run into the street. What is it?
- Not so loud, Shirley.
179
00:12:29,819 --> 00:12:31,093
What's the matter with you?
180
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,709
Don't yell, I'm just asking you
a simple question.
181
00:12:33,990 --> 00:12:38,461
- Mrs. Clyde, the boys are in the street.
- Oh, of course.
182
00:12:38,827 --> 00:12:40,943
Oh, boy, I really don't know
about this.
183
00:12:43,540 --> 00:12:45,337
Stephen, I told you not to run.
184
00:12:45,584 --> 00:12:48,860
If he gets perspired he gets the flu.
I better take him home.
185
00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:51,001
Please come back again
another time.
186
00:13:09,898 --> 00:13:12,776
Abner, you won't believe it
when I tell you what just happened.
187
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:17,140
It's Gladys. If you don't think this is
a crazy house, well, listen to this:
188
00:13:17,488 --> 00:13:20,719
Three kids just got tied up in
the bedroom. Do you hear me, three!
189
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:24,662
So what? I'll tell you so what.
190
00:13:24,995 --> 00:13:28,510
How did all three of them
get tied up, Abner? Tell me that.
191
00:13:28,832 --> 00:13:31,027
You don't understand.
192
00:13:31,292 --> 00:13:34,807
Two kids are tied up in the bedroom
and one kid isn't tied up.
193
00:13:35,129 --> 00:13:38,326
That's normal,
but not three kids tied up.
194
00:13:38,632 --> 00:13:41,226
Never mind, Abner. Never mind.
195
00:13:41,510 --> 00:13:44,900
I should know better
than to talk to you, never mind.
196
00:13:52,562 --> 00:13:55,201
- Mrs. Stephens?
- Mrs. Stephens is in the living room.
197
00:13:55,565 --> 00:13:57,396
Well, I'm here to connect
the telephones.
198
00:13:57,650 --> 00:14:00,687
- Well, go right ahead.
- Thank you.
199
00:14:01,028 --> 00:14:02,984
It was very nice meeting you,
Mrs. Foster.
200
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:08,400
Thank you, Mrs. Stephens. Maybe next
week, I'll take you to our decorator.
201
00:14:08,785 --> 00:14:12,744
- He can do wonders for you.
- Thank you, that's very kind.
202
00:14:13,122 --> 00:14:14,396
Robert!
203
00:14:14,624 --> 00:14:17,422
Thanks for everything, Mrs. Stephens.
I had a wonderful time.
204
00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:20,304
- Oh, please come back again soon.
- Oh, sure, sure.
205
00:14:20,587 --> 00:14:24,057
Oh, by the way, I let in the phone
repairman to hook up your telephones.
206
00:14:24,383 --> 00:14:26,374
Thank you.
207
00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:31,542
To hook up your telephones?!
208
00:14:32,181 --> 00:14:34,172
The phone was not connected.
209
00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:37,471
May I never get off this couch again
if the phone was connected.
210
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,603
Gladys, don't get excited,
you'll melt the cubes too fast.
211
00:14:40,898 --> 00:14:42,411
You think I'm cuckoo, don't you?
212
00:14:42,691 --> 00:14:45,967
Gladys, you called me about two kids
who were tied up in a bedroom.
213
00:14:46,278 --> 00:14:50,669
- Three kids. Three kids were tied up.
- Don't yell, Gladys.
214
00:14:51,032 --> 00:14:54,707
If two kids were tied up, I wouldn't have
had to call you, don't you understand?
215
00:14:55,036 --> 00:14:56,264
Sure, Gladys.
216
00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:59,089
Then you believe me that the phone
was not connected?
217
00:14:59,373 --> 00:15:01,841
- Want me to call the doctor?
- It wouldn't do any good.
218
00:15:02,126 --> 00:15:05,357
- Why not?
- He doesn't believe me either.
219
00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:15,104
I told you, Samantha, that you wouldn't
like being part of the animal world.
220
00:15:15,471 --> 00:15:17,746
They're not animals, Mother.
They're human beings.
221
00:15:18,015 --> 00:15:21,405
Yes, of course. Granted,
the most intelligent of animals.
222
00:15:21,769 --> 00:15:25,842
And as Diogenes said,
also the silliest.
223
00:15:26,231 --> 00:15:28,142
Or was it Diogenes?
224
00:15:29,192 --> 00:15:33,185
It was one of those young good-Iooking
Greeks who talked an awful lot.
225
00:15:33,571 --> 00:15:35,960
Mother, you must believe
that Darrin isn't like that.
226
00:15:36,616 --> 00:15:38,732
- Like what?
- The average human.
227
00:15:38,993 --> 00:15:41,826
He's not covetous or envious
or inconsiderate.
228
00:15:42,162 --> 00:15:45,916
Are you trying to convince me
or yourself?
229
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,943
I think it's time the two of you
met face to face.
230
00:15:50,879 --> 00:15:52,517
Oh, really?
231
00:15:52,797 --> 00:15:54,708
Would you have dinner
with us tonight?
232
00:15:55,008 --> 00:15:56,885
Well, I don't know.
233
00:15:58,552 --> 00:16:00,110
Still...
234
00:16:00,388 --> 00:16:01,821
...it might be fun at that.
235
00:16:03,474 --> 00:16:05,624
You wouldn't do anything startling,
would you?
236
00:16:06,185 --> 00:16:07,937
Why?
237
00:16:08,186 --> 00:16:10,780
Does what's-his-name
have a weak heart?
238
00:16:11,064 --> 00:16:14,261
His name is Darrin, Mother.
D-A-R-R-l-N.
239
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:18,355
And he's in perfectly good health.
And I want him to like my mother.
240
00:16:18,738 --> 00:16:21,127
What sort of mother
do you think he'd prefer?
241
00:16:21,449 --> 00:16:23,087
Lavender and old lace?
242
00:16:27,204 --> 00:16:29,843
Pioneer stock, perhaps?
243
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,080
Old World?
244
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,958
New World?
245
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:41,695
What would you prefer?
246
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:47,819
Very funny, very funny.
But I'd prefer you on time. Oh, my ham.
247
00:16:48,557 --> 00:16:50,548
Now, Mother, please say you'll come.
248
00:16:50,851 --> 00:16:53,445
Well, I suppose I might as well
get it over with.
249
00:16:54,229 --> 00:16:56,618
Yes, I'll come.
250
00:16:57,065 --> 00:17:01,024
And I prefer the natural you.
And so will Darrin.
251
00:17:04,530 --> 00:17:06,725
I wonder.
252
00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:13,777
- You are very pretty.
- That's not quite the right expression.
253
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,674
You are very pretty.
I'm very handsome.
254
00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:18,676
What time did your mother say
she'd be here?
255
00:17:18,918 --> 00:17:22,593
- Any time now. Can I make you a drink?
- Definitely.
256
00:17:23,297 --> 00:17:25,936
Having a plain mother-in-law
is a new experience to me...
257
00:17:26,216 --> 00:17:28,252
...but having a mother-in-law
who's a...
258
00:17:28,552 --> 00:17:33,626
- I mean, do you resemble her?
- No, I look like my father.
259
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,622
What does your mother look like?
260
00:17:38,895 --> 00:17:42,524
Well, she's 5'6"
and weighs about 118 pounds.
261
00:17:42,898 --> 00:17:45,571
- Well, sounds normal.
- What do you mean?
262
00:17:46,694 --> 00:17:50,972
Well, I mean, it looks...
It sounds like she looks normal.
263
00:17:51,364 --> 00:17:53,924
- What do you expect her to look like?
- How would I know?
264
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,794
- Well, you know what I look like.
- Well, that's no proof.
265
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:01,113
- Proof of what?
- Proof that she doesn't have...
266
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:04,759
Well, a...
267
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,994
Well, what sort of eyes
does she have?
268
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:17,047
They're blue. All five of them.
269
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:19,462
You're kidding.
270
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:23,683
Why do humans care more about what
people look like than what they are?
271
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,779
It's not that at all, Sam.
272
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:28,531
What difference does it make
what my mother looks like?
273
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,246
- I'm merely trying to prepare myself.
- For what?
274
00:18:31,526 --> 00:18:34,723
I don't know if like the idea of
a mother-in-law with five blue eyes.
275
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,509
Oh, don't be idiotic.
276
00:18:36,781 --> 00:18:40,569
Oh, idiotic am I?
Well, let me tell you something, Sam...
277
00:18:41,202 --> 00:18:42,999
She's here.
278
00:18:43,537 --> 00:18:47,132
- Well, she didn't fly down the chimney.
- Lf you're going to be insulting...
279
00:18:47,499 --> 00:18:50,297
I'm sorry, Sam, I...
280
00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:54,040
I didn't mean to say that,
it's just that...
281
00:18:55,674 --> 00:18:59,462
...well, I'm nervous.
- Will you answer the door or shall I?
282
00:19:00,053 --> 00:19:02,044
I'll answer it.
283
00:19:03,764 --> 00:19:06,915
Ask her to leave her broom outside.
284
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:16,424
Good evening.
285
00:19:17,777 --> 00:19:19,495
Good evening.
286
00:19:21,364 --> 00:19:22,638
Won't you come in?
287
00:19:23,866 --> 00:19:25,265
Samantha.
288
00:19:28,871 --> 00:19:33,740
- This must be what's-his-name.
- Mother, this is my husband. This is...
289
00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:39,968
Darrin.
290
00:19:40,256 --> 00:19:42,770
We were having a drink.
Would you care for a cocktail?
291
00:19:43,217 --> 00:19:44,775
Thank you, Mr. Stephens.
292
00:19:45,428 --> 00:19:48,579
Well, I'd like it much better
if you'd call me by my first name.
293
00:19:48,889 --> 00:19:51,608
- Very well, Dennis.
- Darrin, Mother.
294
00:19:52,851 --> 00:19:56,605
Oh, of course.
I'd like a very dry martini.
295
00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:59,577
Italian vermouth, Spanish gin
and a Greek olive.
296
00:20:00,608 --> 00:20:04,999
- Well, I don't think we have any...
- Oh, don't bother. I'll fix it myself.
297
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:14,504
It's marvellous. Marvellous.
298
00:20:14,871 --> 00:20:17,704
Now, young man, suppose
you tell me all about yourself.
299
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:22,595
What you do and why do you do it.
Et cetera, et cetera.
300
00:20:23,129 --> 00:20:25,404
Well, I'm in the advertising business.
301
00:20:25,715 --> 00:20:28,104
I'm with a firm called McMann & Tate.
302
00:20:28,425 --> 00:20:32,941
Really, isn't that interesting.
Pardon me, do you have a cigarette?
303
00:20:33,764 --> 00:20:35,561
Yes, of course.
304
00:20:38,893 --> 00:20:40,406
Thank you. You were saying?
305
00:20:41,521 --> 00:20:44,513
Our firm handles
some rather large accounts.
306
00:20:44,857 --> 00:20:47,451
Thank you, I have a light.
307
00:20:50,195 --> 00:20:54,313
Darrin's firm is one of the largest
advertising agencies in the world...
308
00:20:54,658 --> 00:20:56,808
...and Darrin's one
of its top executives.
309
00:20:57,118 --> 00:21:01,236
That sounds very exciting.
Samantha, may I have that ashtray?
310
00:21:01,623 --> 00:21:03,136
Oh, yes, certainly.
311
00:21:03,374 --> 00:21:07,447
And Darrin is responsible for all of the
creative designs for their campaigns.
312
00:21:07,837 --> 00:21:10,988
- What on earth did you do that for?
- Do what?
313
00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:16,130
You carried that ashtray to me. Don't
tell me you've forgotten how to levitate.
314
00:21:16,845 --> 00:21:18,801
Of course I haven't forgotten, Mother.
315
00:21:19,055 --> 00:21:22,604
It's just that Darrin prefers that
I don't do any of that stuff anymore.
316
00:21:23,851 --> 00:21:27,400
Why do you object to my daughter
being herself, young man?
317
00:21:28,564 --> 00:21:30,839
I don't object, Mrs...
318
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:34,877
You'll never be able to pronounce it.
Just call me Endora.
319
00:21:36,029 --> 00:21:38,020
I like Samantha the way
she is, Endora.
320
00:21:38,281 --> 00:21:40,317
She doesn't need any of that
other nonsense.
321
00:21:40,617 --> 00:21:42,733
- Nonsense?
- Darrin doesn't mean anything.
322
00:21:42,994 --> 00:21:43,983
Darrin, please.
323
00:21:44,203 --> 00:21:47,115
I mean, we don't need
those powers of hers.
324
00:21:47,415 --> 00:21:49,724
We can handle things
very well by ourselves.
325
00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:51,270
Oh, you think so, do you?
326
00:21:51,543 --> 00:21:54,535
I don't mean to be disrespectful,
but we wanna live normal lives.
327
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,475
What is normal to you, young man,
is to us asinine.
328
00:21:59,050 --> 00:22:01,962
Samantha is what she is,
and that you cannot change.
329
00:22:02,262 --> 00:22:04,378
Mother, I made the decision myself.
330
00:22:04,972 --> 00:22:08,647
Yes, I know. A decision
I do not approve.
331
00:22:10,728 --> 00:22:13,845
Samantha and I can handle
our problems by ourselves.
332
00:22:14,148 --> 00:22:17,538
- They're nobody else's business.
- Darrin, please.
333
00:22:20,570 --> 00:22:23,448
- Are you threatening me?
- Not exactly.
334
00:22:23,740 --> 00:22:25,890
Darrin, please understand.
Mother means well.
335
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:30,193
Don't you worry, baby, your mother will
see to it that you're treated properly.
336
00:22:30,579 --> 00:22:34,458
I have every intention of treating her
properly without interference from you.
337
00:22:34,833 --> 00:22:36,744
- Young man!
- Mother, don't.
338
00:22:37,753 --> 00:22:39,744
Very well.
339
00:22:40,630 --> 00:22:45,420
Just consider yourself lucky that you
are not at this moment an artichoke.
340
00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:51,418
So from now on, watch your step,
young man.
341
00:22:51,849 --> 00:22:54,443
Mother is watching you.
342
00:23:00,357 --> 00:23:03,872
She's really very nice
when you get to know her.
343
00:23:05,111 --> 00:23:09,343
- Abner!
- Gladys, what are you doing?
344
00:23:10,366 --> 00:23:12,755
She went away in a puff of smoke,
I saw her.
345
00:23:13,035 --> 00:23:16,152
One minute she was there.
The next minute she was gone.
346
00:23:16,455 --> 00:23:19,492
What's the matter with you? Suddenly
I'm married to a Peeping Tom.
347
00:23:19,833 --> 00:23:23,064
Spying, sticking your nose in
everybody's business. Go back to bed!
348
00:23:23,378 --> 00:23:26,814
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Go ahead, say anything you want.
349
00:23:27,131 --> 00:23:31,488
Insult me, call me cuckoo,
kill me, I don't mind.
350
00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:36,235
And you know why, sweetheart,
because I know this is all a dream.
351
00:23:50,027 --> 00:23:54,259
Oh sure, sure, I suppose I look
like some sort of a freak to you...
352
00:23:54,615 --> 00:23:57,288
...because I wanna live what is to me
a normal existence.
353
00:23:57,576 --> 00:24:01,012
Darrin, I didn't say that.
I understand how you feel.
354
00:24:01,329 --> 00:24:04,082
Whatever it is you want,
that's what I want too.
355
00:24:04,416 --> 00:24:07,055
- Are you absolutely sure, Sam?
- Yes.
356
00:24:08,002 --> 00:24:11,756
- What about your mother?
- She'll get used to the idea.
357
00:24:12,131 --> 00:24:14,361
Anyway, you married me,
not my mother.
358
00:24:16,218 --> 00:24:20,177
Say, could she...? I mean,
really turn me into an artichoke?
359
00:24:20,555 --> 00:24:22,671
If she wanted to.
360
00:24:23,016 --> 00:24:27,168
That's creepy. What could you do?
I mean, if she did?
361
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,956
- Nothing. Except...
- Except what?
362
00:24:31,774 --> 00:24:33,969
I could become an artichoke too.
363
00:24:34,019 --> 00:24:38,569
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