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1
00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:06,090
MALORY:
Oh! Oh, I cannot believe you.
2
00:00:06,257 --> 00:00:09,427
Are you out of your big fat
Russian skull?
3
00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:11,596
Of all the dumb stunts you've...
4
00:00:11,763 --> 00:00:13,681
Nikolai, how could you do this?
5
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:19,312
With KGB surveillance team. They...
- Not "how" how, you ass. "Why" how.
6
00:00:19,479 --> 00:00:21,981
For record of activities
in Krakow.
7
00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:24,734
Oh, some blurry 8 mm of...
8
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:27,111
No, we have
the digital hi-def now.
9
00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:30,448
Wonderful. So they can blow it up
for the jury at my treason trial.
10
00:00:30,615 --> 00:00:33,117
Is amazing,
no loss of resolution...
11
00:00:33,284 --> 00:00:35,703
Damn your bloodshot eyes,
I'm serious.
12
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:37,580
I will not let that
happen to you.
13
00:00:37,747 --> 00:00:41,042
You let this happen. And by doing so,
jeopardized our entire operation.
14
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,044
Darling, please.
15
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:46,422
Don't say that.
I have no idea how this Ram?n Lim?n...
16
00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:49,467
...got the disk. He must have gone rogue.
17
00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:52,428
Oh, all Hispanics look roguish.
18
00:00:52,595 --> 00:00:54,639
The KGB had no idea
about my plan.
19
00:00:54,806 --> 00:00:57,100
So please, do not blame
Major Jakov.
20
00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:58,601
Oh, right, how could I?
21
00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:01,980
The important thing is that the disk
does not fall into the wrong hands.
22
00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:05,400
You mean "wronger" hands.
Like your government's. Or mine.
23
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:09,487
I find it very surprising
that Castro okayed an operation...
24
00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:12,740
...with such potential
to embarrass the Soviets.
25
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,867
Well, he is unpredictable.
26
00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:18,830
Which is why I am planning ahead
for my retirement. In beautiful Miami.
27
00:01:18,997 --> 00:01:21,666
And so, here are the keys and the deed...
28
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:23,835
...to my condo in South Beach.
29
00:01:24,002 --> 00:01:26,796
A nice start to a new start.
30
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:28,840
But what of the
financial arrangements?
31
00:01:29,007 --> 00:01:32,635
You'll get the money when I get the disk.
And if you've made copies...
32
00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:36,681
I tried, but the Russian was smart
enough to copy-protect the disk.
33
00:01:36,848 --> 00:01:38,516
Yeah, he's a real genius.
34
00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:41,060
But if you try to
double-cross me...
35
00:01:41,227 --> 00:01:42,979
Well, you should know what...
36
00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:46,274
...kind of a man you are...
37
00:01:46,441 --> 00:01:48,610
...dealing with.
- Oh, Ram?n.
38
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,321
I think I know exactly
what kind of man you are.
39
00:01:51,487 --> 00:01:52,530
RAM?N:
Uh, Que?
40
00:01:52,697 --> 00:01:55,867
I said I could eat
the absolute pants off some shrimp.
41
00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,609
MALORY: I don't suppose he's up.
- WOODHOUSE: No, mum.
42
00:02:29,776 --> 00:02:33,571
And from the looks of it,
not to mention the lemur...
43
00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:35,907
...I would hazard
he's taking a personal day.
44
00:02:36,074 --> 00:02:37,909
The hell he is.
45
00:02:38,076 --> 00:02:39,577
ARCHER:
Woodhouse, we got any lube?
46
00:02:39,744 --> 00:02:41,454
Like at this point
even olive oil would...
47
00:02:41,621 --> 00:02:42,914
[SIGHS]
48
00:02:43,081 --> 00:02:45,041
...help me get that drawer unstuck.
49
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:48,086
Jesus God, Sterling. Schoolgirls?
50
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:50,713
Those are costumes.
- I suppose that makes it better?
51
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,966
Doesn't it? Oh, uh, Woodhouse,
I told my guests you'd pack their lunch.
52
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:57,679
I'll do my best, sir. I'm afraid
the lemur got into the pudding cups.
53
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:01,724
Yeah, like I told you he would. You idiot.
- Will you please focus?
54
00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:04,352
Now, I know you're familiar
with the honey pot.
55
00:03:04,519 --> 00:03:07,438
Seducing and blackmailing
a hot female enemy agent.
56
00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:09,273
I love the honey pot.
57
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,817
I'm sure you do.
58
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,486
But this time you may not
find the target...
59
00:03:13,653 --> 00:03:15,863
...appealing.
- What, is it Pam?
60
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,783
Seriously, whoever.
It's all the same in the dar... No.
61
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:21,411
Yes. Yes. Yes!
- No. No. Come on.
62
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:25,123
Have Gillette do this.
- Sterling, you're the only one I can trust.
63
00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:28,126
And don't even get me
started on Miss Gillette.
64
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,628
She has never liked me.
65
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:33,881
But someday I'm gonna
write a book about this place. Mm-hm.
66
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,925
A real smackarooni.
67
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:38,761
Sterling, please, I need your help.
68
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:41,389
This Ram?n Lim?n is blackmailing me.
69
00:03:41,556 --> 00:03:43,766
With what? What's he got on you?
It's...
70
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:47,562
...none of your nosy beeswax.
- Well, then it sucks to be you.
71
00:03:47,729 --> 00:03:51,149
You'll be who it sucks to be
if I have to call my bridge partner.
72
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:52,900
Oh, who's your bridge partner?
73
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,986
The district attorney.
- So?
74
00:03:55,153 --> 00:03:59,240
Sir, that stolen lemur bit one
of your prostitutes right in the face...
75
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,409
...and she says she can't go
to hospital...
76
00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:04,746
...because she's, quote, "tripping balls."
77
00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:10,251
You know, when I was little,
I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
78
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,003
Me too.
- PAM: Bang.
79
00:04:12,170 --> 00:04:13,504
Bang.
80
00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:15,923
Ew, kill. Bang.
81
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,134
Shock.
- Shut up. Oh, my God, bang.
82
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,970
I hesitate to even ask.
- We're doing "Kill, Bang, Marry."
83
00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,598
Again, hesitation.
- It's on the ISIS Intranet.
84
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:27,005
You click through pictures of everybody
who works here, and say if you'd rather...
85
00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:31,856
Kill them or bang or marry them.
- Wow, that is entirely inappropriate.
86
00:04:32,023 --> 00:04:34,525
That's what I said.
If you go through the whole list...
87
00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:36,694
...you can see what everybody said.
88
00:04:36,861 --> 00:04:40,656
Everybody? Like...?
- Like Lana. And if, I don't know...
89
00:04:40,823 --> 00:04:42,867
...maybe she said "bang"
about Mr. Archer?
90
00:04:43,034 --> 00:04:45,203
I got ups. Move it, chubs.
- Hey.
91
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:48,372
MALORY: Dr. Krieger's covert team
installed these surveillance cameras...
92
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,541
...while Lim?n was out
shopping yesterday.
93
00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:52,627
Yup, we've got video
and audio...
94
00:04:52,794 --> 00:04:55,463
...with a satellite feed
back to these hard drives.
95
00:04:55,630 --> 00:04:58,216
Same set-up I've got in my van.
- Jesus, Krieger.
96
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:01,886
You're still taping bum fights?
- No, now I'm into something...
97
00:05:02,053 --> 00:05:03,679
...darker.
- Ahem!
98
00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,640
Since that obnoxious little Castro...
99
00:05:05,807 --> 00:05:08,476
...is such a raging homophobe...
- [WHISPERS] Fidel hates the gays.
100
00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:12,605
...it's a safe bet he'd have Ram?n killed
if he ever found out he was gay.
101
00:05:12,772 --> 00:05:14,857
So once you seduce him...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
102
00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,485
I thought nobody else
was supposed to know about this.
103
00:05:17,652 --> 00:05:19,737
He won't remember.
- Yeah, no, I'm...
104
00:05:19,904 --> 00:05:23,032
I am shitfaced.
- CHERYL [ON PA]: Miss Archer, phone call.
105
00:05:23,199 --> 00:05:25,284
I'm busy.
- Um, we all are?
106
00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:28,746
Bang. Uh, kill, I guess.
- Thanks a lot.
107
00:05:28,913 --> 00:05:31,165
It's a bad picture, Pam.
He says it's urgent.
108
00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:33,084
Something about
developments in Krakow?
109
00:05:33,251 --> 00:05:35,419
Krakow? Oh, for...
110
00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:38,422
Sterling, get to Miami,
and don't come back...
111
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:41,425
...until you've completed
your assignment.
112
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:44,011
Taking one for the team, huh?
- Hopefully not.
113
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:47,181
Well if you do, I've developed
a proprietary chemical compound...
114
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:50,184
...which may come in handy.
I call it Formula K.
115
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,270
And it makes you
temporarily gay?
116
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:54,438
I don't know.
Just started human testing.
117
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:56,941
By dosing Danny
the intern's coffee.
118
00:05:57,108 --> 00:06:01,529
Danny is definitely feeling something.
- I think I'm going to pass.
119
00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:05,032
Suit yourself. Just means
more for me and Danny.
120
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,743
Who is loving it.
121
00:06:10,288 --> 00:06:12,957
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
122
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:16,377
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
123
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,883
WOODHOUSE:
I have ascertained the target, sir.
124
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:25,136
And he's actually quite handsome.
125
00:06:25,303 --> 00:06:27,223
And I suppose that makes it better.
- Doesn't it?
126
00:06:27,305 --> 00:06:29,724
No, it... Woodhouse, this is Miami.
127
00:06:29,891 --> 00:06:33,227
Don't you have any cooler clothes?
- No sir, not anymore.
128
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:34,645
And your shoes.
129
00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:38,232
Because how hard is it to
poach a goddamn egg properly?
130
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:42,111
Seriously, that's like Eggs 101,
Woodhouse.
131
00:06:42,278 --> 00:06:45,990
Now I know you've lost your mind.
You want me to defect to Russia?
132
00:06:46,157 --> 00:06:49,660
Just, uh, you know,
if the worst happens.
133
00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:52,914
That is the worst.
Standing in the snow...
134
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,541
...for beet rations in my Blahniks?
- Come on.
135
00:06:55,708 --> 00:06:58,753
I'm head of KGB.
I have my beets delivered.
136
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,715
Nikolai.
- Free Stolichnaya, Beluga caviar.
137
00:07:02,882 --> 00:07:04,842
My own private limousine.
138
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:07,678
The Soviet system
is actually incredibly unfair.
139
00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:11,974
And it just sounds wonderful, but...
- Hey, I'm just putting it out there.
140
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:15,353
Well, just put it back in.
You're the whole reason I'm in this mess.
141
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,396
I'm trying to help.
142
00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:20,358
I mean, if that Cuban
does not fall for the honey pot.
143
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,443
Oh, I think he will.
144
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:26,280
I've got my top man on it.
Or possibly bottom.
145
00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:34,872
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
146
00:07:35,039 --> 00:07:38,376
Ahem. Can I help you?
- [IN CAMPY VOICE] I don't know. Can you?
147
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:42,421
Is this some sort of viral marketing?
- What? No, I meant...
148
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:45,174
Or are you asking me,
specifically, if I have a penis?
149
00:07:45,341 --> 00:07:48,052
Uh, it's more of a conversation starter.
150
00:07:48,219 --> 00:07:51,389
And here's a conversation ender. Adi?s.
151
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,891
Oh, bilingual snap.
- Thank you.
152
00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:58,020
Do you not see me rocking
this chiseled slab of hard man-body?
153
00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:01,107
I mean, come on. Are you gay or not?
- I am.
154
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:04,193
But you. You are so not my type.
- What?
155
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,120
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, I am everybody's type.
156
00:08:06,237 --> 00:08:08,239
Oh, please.
- What?
157
00:08:08,406 --> 00:08:10,741
You are entirely too gay.
- No, I'm not.
158
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:14,412
Are you kidding?
- Oh my God, you, like, sneeze glitter.
159
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,247
Thank you.
160
00:08:18,708 --> 00:08:21,002
So, yeah. I'm an ISIS agent...
161
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,421
...and that Ram?n guy's a Cuban agent...
162
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,924
...and, uh, I'm supposed to run
what we call a honey pot on him.
163
00:08:27,091 --> 00:08:29,885
I can't believe you have all this
stuff and it's, like, portable.
164
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,930
I can't believe you blab
that you're a secret agent.
165
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:36,600
I can't believe you're a hairdresser
and Rudi's an interior decorator.
166
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:38,853
God, he's the best in Miami.
- Thank you.
167
00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:40,688
You're quite welcome, sir.
168
00:08:40,855 --> 00:08:42,773
If I had a spoon...
- ARCHER: No, no, no.
169
00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,775
...I would eat you up.
- Don't be nice.
170
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:48,946
So this spy agency, is it, like, the real
CIA "James Bondy" deal, or what?
171
00:08:49,113 --> 00:08:51,574
Charles, ISIS employs
some of the world's foremost...
172
00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:55,286
...intelligence analysts,
covert operatives and scientists.
173
00:08:55,453 --> 00:09:00,583
Wait, did Cyril play this stupid game?
- You'll have to play to find out.
174
00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:04,170
Danny. Danny, stop running.
We gotta keep that heart rate down, buddy.
175
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:05,713
Okay.
- KRIEGER: Danny!
176
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,299
Kill. Bang. Bang.
177
00:09:08,466 --> 00:09:10,885
Ew, kill.
- Well, thanks a lot.
178
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:13,637
Pam, it's a bad picture.
- I think that's hot.
179
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:18,059
Like, somebody murdering me?
It's so intimate.
180
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:21,479
So, yeah, basically, we're the front line
in the fight against tyranny.
181
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,522
RUDI: Thank you.
- My pleasure, sir.
182
00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:25,483
I wanna dress you up
like a little gnome...
183
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:29,153
...and just have you live in my garden.
- I would like some new clothes.
184
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,739
Shut up. But also,
and speaking of clothes...
185
00:09:31,906 --> 00:09:35,409
...these seem way too normal.
- What, normal as opposed to gay?
186
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,536
Implying that gay is abnormal?
187
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,914
Not abnormal, just gay.
188
00:09:40,081 --> 00:09:42,666
In spite of your personality,
you get plenty of women, right?
189
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,502
Uh, duh and or hello.
190
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:47,963
So, "duh and or hello,"
just act like you normally do...
191
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,632
...around women.
- Really?
192
00:09:49,799 --> 00:09:52,676
Because how hard is it to poach
a goddamn egg properly?
193
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,345
[SCOFFS]
194
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:57,807
I believe he means before
you lure them into the apartment, sir.
195
00:09:57,973 --> 00:10:02,478
Oh. Yeah, that makes more sense.
So I just like, what? Approach him in a bar?
196
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:05,205
Yeah, If I were you, I'd try The Cock Fight.
- What? A cockfight?
197
00:10:05,356 --> 00:10:08,150
It's the name of a gay bar.
They also have actual cockfights.
198
00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:11,195
Yeah, Latino men.
You take the bad with the good.
199
00:10:11,362 --> 00:10:15,199
ARCHER: Jesus, what's your problem?
- You are. Blonde, brunette.
200
00:10:15,366 --> 00:10:17,451
I thought I made it clear
you are not my type.
201
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,620
Is that where we landed
on that, because I...
202
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:21,664
Dios m?o. Is your ego so large...
203
00:10:21,831 --> 00:10:24,041
...you cannot handle a single rejection?
- Yes.
204
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:27,419
Let me buy you a drink.
- I already have a drink.
205
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:30,214
Why don't you buy him one?
He could use it.
206
00:10:30,381 --> 00:10:33,676
Why... Why don't we all
have one and talk about it.
207
00:10:33,843 --> 00:10:35,553
[MAN SOBBING]
208
00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:39,473
Seriously Woodhouse, how can you be
so totally awesome and not be gay?
209
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,394
Well, I was very fond
of a boy at school once.
210
00:10:43,853 --> 00:10:45,604
Reggie Thistleton.
211
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:49,191
But he died in the war, at Flanders.
- Flanders?
212
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:52,528
What war was that?
Oh, the Great War.
213
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:55,447
They're all great.
Oh, my God, yes, those Nazi uniforms?
214
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:57,199
Hugo Boss.
- Shut up.
215
00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,994
Swear to God.
And look at slut, just getting home.
216
00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:02,913
Well, I guess our advice worked.
- No, it didn't.
217
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,499
Ram?n blew me off.
- Then where were you all night?
218
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,501
Way the Christ out
in the Everglades...
219
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:10,671
...burying some Dominican guy's rooster.
- Fun.
220
00:11:11,005 --> 00:11:12,715
Oh, you mean literally.
- Yes.
221
00:11:12,882 --> 00:11:14,758
CHARLES: Sorry.
- I mean, look at my clothes.
222
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,844
And what the hell
are you wearing, Woodhouse?
223
00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:18,762
I...
- We bought those for him.
224
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:21,432
If you throw them off the roof
I'll fly to New York...
225
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:23,392
...and fling acid in your face.
- Thank you.
226
00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:24,727
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
227
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:28,272
Oh, great.
Mother, I have nothing to report yet.
228
00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:30,024
This is a lot harder than I thought.
229
00:11:30,191 --> 00:11:32,276
MALORY:
How hard could it be to talk a gay man...
230
00:11:32,443 --> 00:11:33,986
...into having anonymous sex?
231
00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:37,615
See the stereotypes we put up with?
You don't know what I'm dealing with.
232
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,658
You don't know what
I'm dealing with!
233
00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:43,954
See? Here is my nice building,
my limousine, my mother.
234
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:47,791
Oh, and my apartment is two bedrooms,
so she won't even have to move out.
235
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,753
So you just listen to me, Mr. Man.
236
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:54,465
Get me some video
of hot man-on-man action by tonight...
237
00:11:54,632 --> 00:11:56,217
...or don't bother coming home.
238
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,219
She sounds fabulous.
239
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,221
Yeah, she's actually not.
240
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,348
But the stereotype thing
got me thinking...
241
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:06,310
...because, let's see, Ram?n is Latino...
And Latinos are all about machismo.
242
00:12:06,477 --> 00:12:09,271
So you may have
to out-macho him.
243
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:12,233
[IN CAMPY VOICE]
Out-macho a gay guy? Oh, my stars.
244
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,527
Or, wait, you could just be
a sarcastic bitch your whole life.
245
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:17,238
Thank you.
- MALORY: Wait a...
246
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,281
Did you set this whole thing up...
247
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:22,117
...just so I'd have to come
live with you and your mother?
248
00:12:22,284 --> 00:12:26,997
No! It was merely incompetence.
- And I suppose that makes it better?
249
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:28,624
Doesn't it?
250
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,502
Wait a minute, how do you know
Ram?n's playing jai alai right now?
251
00:12:31,669 --> 00:12:34,546
Um, he's Latino.
- So it's either that or dominoes.
252
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,799
Stereotypes exist for a reason.
253
00:12:36,966 --> 00:12:40,177
Okay, we're off to get
our scrotums waxed.
254
00:12:40,970 --> 00:12:42,388
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
255
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:45,182
Ram?n, hey.
I have a proposition for you.
256
00:12:45,349 --> 00:12:47,142
[MUTTERS IN SPANISH]
257
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,019
Mama, have to call you back.
258
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:51,313
Don't you ever give up?
- Not when it comes...
259
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,482
...to somebody refusing
to have sex with me.
260
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,651
You know, consensually or whatever.
- Hmm.
261
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:58,612
So me and you,
one on one, loser has to do...
262
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:01,198
...whatever the winner says.
- If I win...
263
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:04,326
...I want you to leave me alone.
- Fine. But if I win...
264
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:07,538
...we go to your place
and have, you know...
265
00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:10,165
...gay sex.
- Have you ever played jai alai?
266
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,335
Uh, actually, lacrosse.
But it's jai alai for white people.
267
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:16,505
Lacrosse is gay.
- You're gay. I mean, I am too.
268
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:19,216
We're both gay.
- Seriously, I can serve this pelota...
269
00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:22,136
...almost 200 miles an hour.
- Big whoop, that little squishy...
270
00:13:22,303 --> 00:13:25,723
Jesus, is this made of limestone?
- It's a dangerous game.
271
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:28,767
Yeah? Well, I'm dangerous.
And I'm gonna win.
272
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:31,312
And gay sex.
- Okay.
273
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,314
Go stand over there.
- Where, over here?
274
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,442
Mm, little more far.
- What, here?
275
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,528
S?, s? . That's good, right there.
- Is this...?
276
00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:41,363
That's what you're gonna
be saying when I'm, uh, all...
277
00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:43,324
...inside you with gay sex.
278
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,575
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
279
00:13:44,742 --> 00:13:46,452
Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
280
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,412
Wait, do I need a helmet?
- Probably.
281
00:13:48,579 --> 00:13:50,497
Wait, what?
282
00:13:51,749 --> 00:13:53,751
I mean, after all...
283
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,337
...you are playing
a very dangerous game...
284
00:13:56,503 --> 00:14:00,049
...Sterling Archer of ISIS.
285
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:03,510
[ARCHER GROANS]
286
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,055
There he is. Welcome back, amigo.
287
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,890
Jesus Christ, who...
288
00:14:08,057 --> 00:14:12,478
...apparently uses the same
awful decorator as my mother.
289
00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:14,646
Trust me,
whoever decorated this condo...
290
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,899
...is not in heaven.
And neither are you...
291
00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:19,943
...Agent Sterling Archer of ISIS.
- Wait, you know who I am?
292
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,779
Duh and or hola.
293
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:25,199
So you know why I'm here.
- I assume because your mother forced you...
294
00:14:25,366 --> 00:14:28,327
...to pose as a gay man, in hopes
of catching me in a, how you say...
295
00:14:28,494 --> 00:14:31,455
...pot of honey.
- Yeah, which is just so classic her.
296
00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:35,584
Oh, you should meet my mother. She...
- No, no, no, shut up, listen. My mother...
297
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:37,252
[CELL PHONES RINGING]
298
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:40,130
Oh, my God, that's her.
- Dios m?o. It's her.
299
00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:44,718
[PHONES BEEP OFF]
300
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:47,429
[RAM?N SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
301
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:49,848
I... I can't believe we hung up
on them.
302
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:53,143
That was so thoroughly awesome, Ram?n.
- This is awesome.
303
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:54,895
Here, try it.
- No. Whoa, whoa.
304
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:58,315
It's raw, man.
- No, the citric acid from the limes...
305
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,442
...actually cooks the fish.
Try it.
306
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:01,819
Mm. Mm!
307
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:04,988
Oh, my, Ram?n, that is amazing.
- Right? Mama always said:
308
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,991
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
309
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:11,286
Mine always said: "Sterling,
come in here and check me for lumps."
310
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:14,790
Holy shit, was that out loud?
- It's okay. This is a safe place.
311
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,793
Yeah, but it's not, though.
- Are you referring to these?
312
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,505
Ha. You found Krieger's cameras?
- I think he is not so good at his job.
313
00:15:21,672 --> 00:15:25,008
Danny!
314
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:27,845
Dude, that whole agency's
not so good at their jobs.
315
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,179
[LANA YAWNS]
316
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:33,016
Kill. Kill. God, when do I get to the end
so I can see what Cyril said?
317
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:36,812
You seriously don't think that's hot?
- I seriously think you're scary.
318
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:39,273
No, no, no, like, a big sweaty fireman...
319
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,359
...carries you out of a burning building,
lays you on the sidewalk.
320
00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,653
You think,
"He's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth."
321
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:48,782
But instead he just starts
choking the shit out of you...
322
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,785
...and the last sensation
that you feel before you die...
323
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:55,205
...is he is squeezing your throat
so hard that a big...
324
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:59,585
...wet blob of drool
drips off his teeth and just: "Blurp!"
325
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:02,671
Falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
326
00:16:05,174 --> 00:16:07,843
Jesus Christ.
- I know, right?
327
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,345
What the hell?
- I'm wet just thinking about it.
328
00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:13,015
Cyril? Cyril, you get your ass
out here right now!
329
00:16:13,182 --> 00:16:15,726
Is she freaking cause Cyril said
he wanted to bang Danny?
330
00:16:15,893 --> 00:16:17,853
No, it's because he said
he wanted to marry her.
331
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:21,732
She's so weird.
Hey, will you choke me a little bit?
332
00:16:21,899 --> 00:16:25,360
Pfft. That's nothing compared to
the pendejos I have to work with.
333
00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:28,405
You haven't banged half of them,
like yours truly.
334
00:16:28,572 --> 00:16:31,617
I can't. If Fidel found
out I'm gay, he'd...
335
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:35,120
Well, that's why you're here.
- And maybe it's the concussion...
336
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,080
...but I seriously feel crappy about that.
337
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:41,543
No. I feel crappy. I should not have
tried to blackmail your mother.
338
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,212
Yeah, what's on this thing anyway?
339
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,755
[DOOR CRASHES]
340
00:16:44,922 --> 00:16:48,258
Get on the floor, you tacky-ass,
white-after-Labor-Day-wearing bitches.
341
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,594
Thank you.
- Charles and Rudi? What the...?
342
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:53,347
What is the meaning of this?
- Sorry. We're a hit squad.
343
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,600
Turns out Fidel is unhappy
that one of his top agents is gay.
344
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:57,935
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
345
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,437
Hey. Save your breath
for cooling your ceviche.
346
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:01,924
Ceviche is already cold.
- I know.
347
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,274
You dicks were working
for Castro this whole time?
348
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,653
Positutely, yes.
But we were having such a blast...
349
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,239
...hanging with Woodhouse...
Who is fine, by the way.
350
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:13,492
I'm genuinely sorry about this.
But may I can keep the clothes?
351
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:15,452
Forever and always.
352
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:18,455
Not that you care.
- Yeah, I actually don't.
353
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:22,209
So are you two even really gay?
- As big old tangerines, yes.
354
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:25,629
Then how can you work for Castro?
You know his stance on homosexuality.
355
00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:28,549
Because, commie,
I have something called a mortgage.
356
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,469
Hey, whoa, if this is about money,
I know somebody who'd pay...
357
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,763
...a whole lot of money
to get this back.
358
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:36,557
Sterling, no.
- Hey, Ram?n, shut up.
359
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,476
Let the mummy talk.
- I can't let you do this.
360
00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:42,437
ARCHER: What the...?
- You'll never take me alive, bastardos.
361
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,982
Let's outsource it
to some cracked-up Haitains.
362
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,733
That's what I said.
You know why?
363
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,444
So you could be all
Little Miss "Hindsight's 20-20."
364
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,030
Here, take this.
- Why did you have a salad gun?
365
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,615
Eh, I was going to kill you.
366
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:56,994
Oh, you are just the worst kind of...
- Me? Your mother started all of this.
367
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,360
So give them the freaking disk.
- RAM?N: If I do that...
368
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,999
...it will become public.
And if you see what's on this disk...
369
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:05,669
Well if you weren't gay, you will be.
- Ha, ha! Well, what is it?
370
00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:08,672
A sex tape of Mother?
371
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:10,465
Ahem.
- Oh, my...
372
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,134
[ARCHER VOMITS]
373
00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:13,802
But there, you see. It's gone.
374
00:18:13,969 --> 00:18:15,053
[RETCHING]
375
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,847
So it's okay, just let it all...
376
00:18:17,014 --> 00:18:19,725
Jesus, God, do you ladies
want to put on your nightgowns...
377
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,691
...crack open a tube of
cookie dough and talk?
378
00:18:21,852 --> 00:18:25,230
Goddamn it, we're dealing
with some profound issues here...
379
00:18:25,397 --> 00:18:27,983
...you queer.
- What the hell, man?
380
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,360
Sorry, I meant homosexual person.
381
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,527
No, you idiota. We have
a finite number of bullets.
382
00:18:32,613 --> 00:18:33,697
[GUNS CLICKING]
383
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,532
Oh, my bad.
- [MOCKING TONE] Oh, my bad.
384
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:40,037
Ha, ha. Now who feels stupid?
- My guess is both of you.
385
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,998
Since the last thing you see
is gonna be that horrific sofa.
386
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:46,001
ARCHER: Shut up, I bet you're
not even a real interior decorator.
387
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,929
Well, he's not licensed or anything,
but he's got a real flair for it.
388
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,381
Thank you.
- So how about stand up...
389
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,050
...and let us paint the walls
with your brains.
390
00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,802
Here, take this.
- ARCHER: Jesus, Ram?n, a Claymore?
391
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,638
I can explain.
- You were gonna frag me?
392
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,558
No. This was for decorating.
What? Look at this place.
393
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:04,978
I was going to have to start from scratch.
- The kitchen's not bad.
394
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:08,315
Oh, God, are you kidding?
That kitchen is awful... Oh, crap.
395
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:09,566
No, thank you.
396
00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:14,905
[ARCHER COUGHS]
397
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:18,075
Ram?n, was that not
totally epic?
398
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,994
S?, Sterling.
Because you lived to tell the tale.
399
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:24,373
No, no, no,
because my mother's condo got trashed.
400
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:27,584
God, she is gonna freak when...
Wait, where's Charles and Rudi?
401
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:32,089
Hmm. I think they must have escaped,
however implausible that may seem.
402
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:34,383
That does seem implausible.
403
00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:36,593
And so I must now
go into hiding.
404
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,929
Fidel will keep sending
hit squads...
405
00:19:39,096 --> 00:19:43,350
...and he will not stop until I am dead.
- So, what, just a life on the run?
406
00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:46,103
S? , just like El Doctor David Banner.
407
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:48,563
How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?
- El Hulk.
408
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,065
Gay.
- What?
409
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:53,193
We don't have a word for "Hulk."
- Do you have a word for "gay?"
410
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,695
Gay.
- Gayer!
411
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,822
Jesus, Spanish,
our jobs aren't enough?
412
00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,657
Now you got to take our words?
- Sterling!
413
00:19:58,824 --> 00:20:00,742
I didn't mean that,
it was racist.
414
00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:03,078
And even though you were
gonna shoot and or frag me...
415
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:04,955
...I feel like we had
kind of a connection.
416
00:20:05,122 --> 00:20:09,126
I'm sad because we had
a connection, and now...
417
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,169
And now I feel like a dick,
so come on.
418
00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:13,839
Let me turn that frown upside down.
- How?
419
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,800
Well, the bedroom
was untouched by the explosion.
420
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:19,469
I'm listening.
- So let's blow the shit out of it.
421
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,471
Oh. I thought you meant
you wanted to...
422
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,432
[LAUGHING]
423
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:26,309
Ram?n.
- And just why is that so funny?
424
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,688
Not that. Woodhouse.
He's all tied up somewhere.
425
00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:32,190
Scared... Scared and alone.
426
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,067
[LAUGHING]
427
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,319
Probably dehydrated.
428
00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:12,063
[English - US - PSDH]
429
00:21:12,113 --> 00:21:16,663
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