Original subtitles

That's why we started this organization--

The Queen's Council of Crusaders.

Oh, the Crusaders. What do you do, bowl?

We are dedicated to law and order.

What the cops can't handle, we do.

Hung up.

Who was it, honey?

Well, it seems, uh, like a concerned citizen

from some civic organization had a somewhat negative reaction to my letter.

What'd he say? Among other things,

he said he wanted to burn a cross on our front lawn.

And you are willing to join us in teaching him a lesson he'll never forget?

I'd be with you all the way! I'll be in the club! I'll be in it for life!

That's the way we want you, Archie boy-- for life.

Yeah.

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SNORING]

[GROANS]

Oh, jeez, I hate night.

[SNORING LOUDER]

Think medical science would come up with a cure for that.

[CONTINUES SNORING] Oh, jeez.

[GROANS]

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Oh, Archie.

I must've been snoring, huh?

You could've fooled me, Edith. I thought you was inhaling the pillowcase.

Oh, my, it's 5:30.

Yeah, I know that.

Oh, you ain't sleeping.

I know that.

You're pacing the floor.

I know that, Edith!

Jeez, tell me something I don't know.

Well...there's only 63 more shopping days

till Christmas.

Archie, what's the matter with you?

Nothin'.

Aw, come on, sit down.

Something must've happened

to you last night.

Nothin', nothin'. What are you getting so nosy for?

Oh, I ain't being nosy, I'm just talking to ya.

The secret of a good marriage is

for a husband and wife to communicate.

Where'd you get that?

BOTH: The Reader's Digest.

Well, let The Reader's Digest condense this:

Archie, let me tell you

somethin' very important.

What?

I'm your wife.

Who else knows this?

Oh, everybody.

And because I am your wife,

if somethin's bothering you,

I oughta know about it.

Oh...

Well, I tell you, Edith...

last night I done maybe the dumbest thing

of my whole life.

Are you sure?

You've lived a long time.

Edith, remember last night

I told you I might go bowling?

Ye--you--you went bowling without your ball!

No, I didn't go bowling at all.

Well, that wasn't so dumb.

You didn't need your ball.

Help me, Lord.

Edith, uh...

I'll tell you what I done.

I--I went to a meetin', see.

Oh, who was meetin'?

Well, I ain't supposed to tell ya.

Well, uh... give me a hint.

It's a secret!

It's a secret...

Give me another hint.

Where are you, Lord, over here?

He's everywhere, Archie.

I know that, Edith.

I can't tell you, but...

maybe it wouldn't do no harm if you guessed.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, uh...

See, all the-- the men at the meeting

were wearing sheets.

Oh, was they playin' trick or treat?

Was last night Halloween?

- Oh, no. - No.

Well then, why was they wearin' sheets?

Because sheets go so good

with the hoods they was wearin'.

Huh, huh?

Oh, I got it!

The Ku Klux Klan!

[GROANS]

Ahhhh.

Oh...

Oh, Archie,

the Ku Klux Klan?

Shush, shush about it, jeez.

Don't come apart, huh?

- What-- - No, I think they--

they don't call themselves

the Ku Klux Klan anymore.

They call themselves the Queen's Council of Crusaders.

What was you doing there?

I'm sittin' there listenin' to a couple

of the high muckety-mucks make long speeches there.

You know, down with the Jews, down with the blacks,

down with the Pope, down with the UN...

and they want me to be a member.

You ain't gonna, are you?

No, I ain't, but they think I am,

and I don't know why.

Well, maybe you said something.

I didn't say nothin'.

I kept my mouth shut.

Oh, well, maybe it's something about

the way you kept your mouth shut.

Edith, don't give me your riddles

and guessing games and all of that.

I don't know what the hell to do.

Jeez, I need-- I need help.

What am I gonna do, huh? Say somethin' smart!

Well, just don't go there no more, Archie.

They'll forget ya.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Oh, sure they will.

You're easy to forget.

I recognized a couple of the guys there.

They recognized me. They're all from around here.

They know me, they know where I live...

They could come after me. Jeez, they could kill me.

Oh, Archie, what would they want

to do a thing like that for?

'Cause they love doin' things like that!

Archie...

Edith, Edith...

Now, let me explain something.

Let me explain something.

Oh. Don't move so much!

To hell with it, I'll explain from here.

Once you're in with them guys,

they know all your secrets there,

you're in there for life, you know, you can't get away.

It's till death do us part, for better or for worse,

for richer or poorer, you know?

It's just like a marriage...

only you're all the time under the sheets with men.

Archie, come on downstairs

and have a nice, hot cup of cocoa.

Nah, no, I need my calming soda.

Oh, no, cocoa is better.

Gee.

Fear, you know, it makes your guts boil.

Yeah, well, have some cocoa.

Isn't that funny when you're scared of something

how it brings up the gas?

Well, cocoa is good for that.

Cocoa ain't no good for that.

Let me make you a nice, hot cup of cocoa.

To hell with the cocoa!

Lord, if I was drowning, she'd throw cocoa on me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Edith. I don't mean to yell.

You only mean the best.

Look, sweetheart...

you just go back to bed there.

Snore all you want.

Jeez, I hate night.

Mmm...

All right.

Good old Arms & Legs.

It's the only thing that really...

[BELCHES] ...works.

Sometimes you only have to look at the box.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Who the hell can that be at this hour?

Hey, Arch, it's me, Gordie Lloyd.

Oh, my God...

[KNOCKING] Hey, open up! Let me in there.

Yeah, all right, yeah, all right,

I'll let you in here.

There.

Hey, Arch.

Yeah, yeah. How you doin', Georgie?

- Gordie. - Yeah, whatever.

Well, I was just on my way to work,

and I saw your lights on.

Are we alone?

Alone?

Let me check.

Hey, Edith?

Yeah, Archie?

Where are you?

In bed.

Stay there.

Yeah, it's only Edith. We're all alone.

Listen, I got some good news.

Oh, gee, what d'you mean, good news?

Well, listen, last night,

after you left the meeting,

we took a vote, and it was unanimous.

You're a shoo-in for membership.

Yeah, but I--

How the hell did that happen?

I think the clincher was that speech you made

about your stupid son-in-law.

When you got up there and you said

if we could show you a way to turn that guy around

and make him into a law-abiding,

patriotic American citizen,

that you would do anything we wanted--

that was beautiful, Arch.

Yeah, I remember that.

So, I'm gonna let you in

on a little secret.

Oh, hey, you'd better not do that.

Now, we're starting our first project.

We're gonna burn five crosses

in five different places.

Mmm.

The first one's gonna be in front

of that lawyer Larson's house

for heading up the ACLU.

- Now, listen-- - The second one is

gonna be in front of Assemblyman Rappaport's place

for, uh, supporting that gay rights bill.

- Uh, d-don't, don't, don't. - The third one's gonna be in front

of that black doctor's house, the guy with the white wife?

- He tells me every one-- - And the fourth one

is gonna be in front of your stupid son-in-law's house

for writin' that letter to the newspaper,

and the fifth one--

Wait a minute, hold on.

What do you mean my son-in-law?

What are you doing that to him for?

He only wrote one dumb letter!

Yeah, but it was a very dangerous and subversive letter.

You're gonna burn a cross next door?

You can't burn a cross in front of my son-in-law's house!

Oh, sure we can, Arch.

You can't because you're not a member yet,

so you can't join in the fun, see,

but you can see the flames from your window.

[BELCHES]

Now, Arch, at the next meeting

it's gonna be initiation time,

and you are gonna be issued

your own personal sheet and hood.

Now, wh--I--I--

Now, I gotta go.

I don't think you oughta do that.

All right, Arch, take care.

Let's think the whole thing over again, here, huh?

EDITH: Archie!

Archie, who was you talking to?

Oh, no-nobody, Edith.

Archie, what's the matter with you?

You're white as a sheet!

[BELCHES]

Oh, hi, Meathead.

Oh, hi, Arch.

Uh... could I, uh, spare you a couple minutes of my valuable time?

Yeah, I'm just, uh, grading some term papers.

You know, it's appalling how college kids today can't write good English.

Well, uh, that's because I--I guess they, uh,

they got no, uh, desires to, uh,

to learn no good English like you and me.

That's right, Arch. They ain't got that.

What's on your mind?

Well, uh, remember that letter you wrote to the paper?

Yeah.

Well, uh, would you do me a little favor?

Yeah.

Would you write another letter

kinda apologizin' for the first one?

That's what you want me to do?

Yeah.

That's it?

Yeah.

That's easy.

You'll do that?

- No. - Aw, quit kidding around.

This here is an emergency!

Look, Arch, if you think you can stop me

from expressing my opinions you got another thing coming,

which for your brain is two things more than it can handle.

- [EXCLAIMS] - Fine.

Don't you walk away from me, you, when I'm talking to ya!

What is it with your generation, anyway?

You give us ten years of misery

with all the long hair and the dope and the guitars...

and spoilin' the Vietnam War...

Spoil the Vietnam War?!

Yes, yes! You made us stop it there

before we had a chance to smash 'em over the head!

Now we gotta run over there and buy

what we could've had for nothin'.

I don't wanna talk to you about the war anymore.

I don't know what you're gettin' so steamed up for.

You told me to write the letter in the first place.

All I'm tellin' you now is to write another letter!

Just say some other guy by the name of Mike Stevic--

no, better still-- just another guy who wrote in,

and then sign your name.

What's going on down here?

Gloria, you know what your father wants me to do?

- What? - Apologize for my letter.

- Why, Daddy? - Why?

Because his fascist buddies down at the saloon

don't like my politics, that's why.

Ah, come on, what is it with you, anyway?

According to you, every Republican's a fascist.

According to you, every Democrat's a communist.

Not every!

You never hear me callin' Carter a commie.

I'm sure the president will be very relieved to hear that.

Not Jimmy, Billy.

I don't understand you two. What's the point of all this?

Little girl, listen to me.

All I want him to do

is take back that letter he wrote.

Now, make him do it, will you, little girl?

See, if he does that, I'll be able to talk

to certain people that are getting

a little bit irkled, you know?

And, uh, they're getting so that they wanna maybe

do this or that or these or whatever

and burn a cross in front of your house.

You mean that phone call

we got yesterday was for real?

ARCHIE: Yes, yes.

Who wants to burn a cross?

Who cares who?

What's the difference who?

Jeez, you get a kick in the groin,

you don't holler "who," you holler "ooh."

Look, supposing I do write that letter,

which I won't, how are you gonna stop

these people from burning a cross?

I got friends in high places.

- Who? - He must know the window washer at the Empire State Building.

Get away from me, huh?

I happen to know this guy, see?

He's the high muckety-muck, or the--

the Clavity, uh, Clieger and Clavin,

or some damn thing,

of the Queen's Council of Crusaders.

That's the local KKK!

- Nah! - Arch, that's the KKK!

- No! - The KKK?

- No. - This isn't the South.

Gloria, there're just as many chapters up here as down there.

And they're the ones that wanna burn a cross in front--

No! Yeah.

Yeah, but not only you.

Not only you, you see?

There's that lawyer, Larson,

that handled all them lefty cases

for the ACL--WU, see,

and then there's that assemblyman, Rappaport,

you know, who sponsored that bill

for--fight freedoms for the fags.

And then there's that black doctor

that's always sleeping with his white wife.

Daddy, how do you know all of this?

Well, I--

I got an unanimous letter.

- Daddy! - Oh, my God.

- What? - Take it easy.

Your father is a member of the Ku Klux Klan!

- Take it easy, will you? - Daddy!

You joined the KKK?!

...Daddy on his head.

I didn't join nothin'!

I just went to a meeting.

You went to a meeting of the Ku Klux Klan?!

Don't holler! It goes through my head like a nail.

You went to a meeting!!!

I went with a couple of guys,

that's all, nice fellas.

I thought it'd be good for business.

Next thing you know, they wanna make me a member,

- hand to God! - Don't do that!

Come on! I can't believe you didn't know

what you were getting into.

You couldn't possibly be that stupid!

That's what you think!

And now they're gonna burn a cross

right here in front of our house!

They ain't gonna do it if he does what I tell him.

This is the worst thing you've ever done.

You don't know everything!

I thought it was awful when you badmouthed

Jews and Catholics and Puerto Ricans,

and you passed the petition around

to keep blacks out of the neighborhood,

but I never dreamed, I never dreamed

that underneath that thick skin of yours

was the soul of a Klansman,

a man who could overturn school busses with children in 'em!

If I ever thought that that was possible,

I never would've set foot in your house

or sat at your table or eaten your food!

Daddy, you've gotta be crazy,

getting yourself involved with racists!

You're forgetting about your operation

last year, aren't you?

When you needed that transfusion,

you know, you owe your life to a black woman

who gave you her blood!

Oh, little girl, I know that.

I'd like to see the faces on those Klansmen

if they ever found that out.

Daddy, you gotta do something to stop--

Do you want me to put starch in their sheets?

[CLAMORING]

Insanity!

What's the matter?

This guy made his little wife cry.

Your husband is a member of the Ku Klux Klan!

Oh, no, he ain't!

Yes, and they're gonna burn

a cross in front of our house!

- ARCHIE: No, no, no... - Archie!

What is she talking about?

Michael, we gotta get out of this neighborhood.

We gotta move out of our house!

Gloria, honey, please calm down, relax.

We're not gonna let these people frighten us.

We're not gonna be driven out of our house screaming in terror.

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna leave quietly.

We'll check into a motel until this blows over,

and then we'll find a new house.

Oh, please, don't move away!

We can't let Joey grow up

in an atmosphere of hatred and violence!

- [CRYING] - Oh, that's Joey. I'll go get him.

Listen to that, Meathead!

You woke the baby up!

Grandma's coming, Joey!

Archie, please, talk to 'em.

Don't let 'em move away.

They ain't goin' no place.

Where's better than this?

As far away from you as possible.

As possible, yes.

Gloria, let me explain something.

Don't you talk to us, you cross-burner.

I never burned nothin' in my life...

worse than a cigar hole in a sofa.

EDITH: Oh! He's such a big boy,

and he heard Grandpa and he wanted to say hello.

Aw, give me him.

Give me that boy there.

Mmm, yeah.

I don't want him with you.

He wants to be with me!

Well, I don't want him with you!

You know, your grandfather wears sheets.

Did you hear that?

- Wh-- - Don't say nothin'. Don't say nothin'.

That's it.

That's it.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go out and do something

I never thought I'd have to do

- as long as I live. - What?

I gotta go out and think, Edith.

Oh, don't do that! Archie, come on.

Joey wants to tell his grandpa

how much he loves him.

Here's Grandpa!

I love you too, kiddo.

Good-bye, Joey.

- Oh, don't-- - No, no, no...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah, who is it?

It's Archie Bunker here.

Oh, hey, Arch!

- Hey. - Hiya there, Georgie.

- No, Gordie. - Yeah, whatever.

- Jeez. - Hey, what do you think, Arch?

Yeah, well, if King Kong was a Catholic,

it'd make a hell of a rosary for him.

This is for your son-in-law.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, uh...

Listen, why does this club have to burn crosses?

What do you want us to do,

send 'em a nasty letter?

It could be stronger, you know,

say, a telegram.

Words on a page don't do anything.

But maybe it could be one of them

singing telegrams with a curse in it.

It's all settled.

We're gonna burn these crosses tomorrow night.

Hey. Hey, listen, fellas.

Uh, they--they won't burn tomorrow night.

- And why not? - The paper says rain.

Listen, what I come by to tell you about

was an operation I had last year

where I got some blood, see?

We're gonna put the fear of God

into your commie son-in-law.

But--but listen, I don't want yous

no burn no cross.

I got a little grandson, he's only two years old,

and I want him to grow up normal, see?

And if he sees a cross burnin' there,

he might get the wrong idea

of what the cross really means.

Don't tell us about what the cross really means!

I don't know what you are, Bunker,

but you're not a true-blue American.

I'm as true blue as you or you!

Hey, I'm against all the right things...

welfare, bussing, women's lib.

I think sex education should be took out of the schools

and put right back where I learned it, in the streets.

Look, I don't wanna argue

with yous no more, you know?

I just don't want yous

to burn no crosses nowheres.

What are you gonna do about it?

We'll burn 'em anywhere we wanna burn 'em--

at your son-in-law's house, at your house.

Remember this:

I know yous guys, know your faces,

and I know where yous hang out

and I know a lot about yous...

and I could go to the proper authorities.

They'd only laugh at you.

Not if I wore a better suit.

What I'm trying to tell you

is there's a whole lot of us, Bunker.

Well, let me tell you--

there's a whole lot of us!

Us who?

Us blacks.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about

my gallbladder operation last year!

When I had to take one of them tranflusions there,

and, uh, they pumped me full of blood.

What blood?

Black blood, buddy,

a whole lot of it.

I think enough to maybe fill up a six-pack.

So that's what's wrong with ya.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Hey, I notice I sing and dance better.

But the main thing that that does for me, see,

that gives me the right to call out a whole gang

of my black blood brothers

to come with me and back me up, see?

And if we catch yous guys burnin' any crosses,

we're gonna come up here

and we're gonna bust your honky heinies.

And now...

as my people say...

feets, do your stuff.

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0