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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,534
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,534 --> 00:00:07,868
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,868 --> 00:00:10,834
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:13,334
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,334 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,767
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:35,901
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,901 --> 00:00:41,701
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:55,033
Hmm...
13
00:00:55,033 --> 00:01:00,534
"Four-letter Italian word
for goodbye."
14
00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:05,267
Bang. B-A-N-G.
15
00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:12,701
Oh, where the hell
have you been, Manuel?
16
00:01:12,701 --> 00:01:13,801
Manuel.
17
00:01:13,801 --> 00:01:15,767
Whatever.
18
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:18,501
Took you a whole hour
to deliver two containers of beer?
19
00:01:18,501 --> 00:01:20,501
That's 'cause
Mrs. Dilson's a widow.
20
00:01:20,501 --> 00:01:22,501
What's a widow
got to do with it?
21
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:26,667
Well, she didn't want
just beer. She wanted me.
22
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:30,534
Oh, well, she's a customer,
and you're young.
23
00:01:30,534 --> 00:01:31,868
Where's the money?
24
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:33,334
She didn't pay nothin'.
25
00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:37,000
Every time I stuck out my hand,
she nibbled on the fingers.
26
00:01:38,834 --> 00:01:40,167
Don't be dirty.
27
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:43,267
Go in there to the men's room
and take care of the wall.
28
00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:44,434
What's the matter with it?
29
00:01:44,434 --> 00:01:48,567
That poem is back
about the old man in Nantucket.
30
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,567
[PHONE RINGS]
31
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:53,901
Uh, hello,
Archie's Place--
32
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,234
cold beer on tap,
family atmosphere.
33
00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:57,734
We cater to straights.
34
00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:07,133
How are things
going down there tonight?
35
00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:09,000
Oh, oh, swell.What a mob.
36
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,634
They're fightin'for seats here.
37
00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:13,868
Oh, you want me to come down
and help you?
38
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,334
Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, what would you do, huh?
39
00:02:16,334 --> 00:02:18,000
Oh, I could sing.
40
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,334
Well, uh, you see,
41
00:02:20,334 --> 00:02:23,934
we ain't got a musical crowd
here tonight, Edith.
42
00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:28,234
We got mostly artists
and writers.
43
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:30,234
Hang on just a minute.
44
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:33,501
Uh, uh, hey, crowd there,
hold it down, will ya?
45
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,501
I'm on the horn here.
46
00:02:35,501 --> 00:02:39,234
Did you hear the way
they quieted down, Edith?
47
00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:42,067
Oh, excuse me.
Hello there, sir.
48
00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:44,067
Come in.
Make yourself at home. Make yourself at home.
49
00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:46,067
Uh, Edith,
I gotta leave you now.
50
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,701
Uh, a party of six
just strolled in here.
51
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:51,367
Oh, ain't that wonderful!
52
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:54,701
That's good, Archie!
Bye-bye!
53
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:57,434
How's business?
54
00:02:57,434 --> 00:03:00,067
Terrible.
55
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,267
Business is slow, huh?
56
00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:04,601
Oh, well, you know,
the saloon business--
57
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,234
it can get slow
on a Friday night.
58
00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:09,067
Well, why is that?
59
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:11,701
Well, nobody knows.
60
00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:12,734
Are you the proprietor?
61
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,167
Yeah, yeah.
Archie Bunker's the name.
62
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,934
Good. This is for you.
63
00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:22,033
Oh, what the hell are you?
Some kind of a prostate server?
64
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:27,467
No, I'm a bill collector.
65
00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:32,300
I'll accept cash
or a cashier's check for the full amount of $2,800
66
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:36,267
or your refrigeration unit
will be removed next Wednesday.
67
00:03:36,267 --> 00:03:39,701
Oh, come on, come on!
What are you tryin' to do? Put me out of business here?
68
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:43,100
Listen, I mortgaged my house
to buy this joint.
69
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:44,834
You wanna see me
lose my house?
70
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:47,033
You're breakin' my heart.
71
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,300
Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
72
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,501
All right. I don't want you
to be sorry for me.
73
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,567
But, geez, you gotta
be sorry for kids.
74
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,701
Yeah, how many you got?
75
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,234
Uh, five girls.
76
00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:58,667
All unmarried.
I'll never get rid of them.
77
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:00,801
Uh, three of them's pregnant,
one of them walks funny,
78
00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:02,567
and the oldest one eats paper.
79
00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:05,968
Are you kidding?
80
00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:08,901
You've got one daughter
named Gloria, a wife named Edith,
81
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:11,968
a son-in-law named Meathead.
82
00:04:11,968 --> 00:04:16,734
You work on a loading dock,
you drove a cab nights, you served in Word War II.
83
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,534
Well, you're a pretty good
snoop there.
84
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:21,467
The only thing you
ain't got is where the German shrapnel got me.
85
00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:23,767
Left cheek.
86
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:28,901
That's right.
And it pains me when winter comes.
87
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:31,667
So how'd you like to kiss it
and make it better?
88
00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:36,667
Hold it there!
You ain't gonna be drinkin' in my joint.
89
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,334
You're a spy.
Get out of here.
90
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:39,367
All right, all right.
91
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:40,434
Get out!
92
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:42,033
All right,
don't bother me nothin'.
93
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:44,567
But we'll see you
next Wednesday.
94
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:46,167
Yeah, well tell
that company of yours
95
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:48,367
you can't squeeze blood
out of a tulip!
96
00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:51,901
Hey, that ain't tulip,
that's turnip.
97
00:04:51,901 --> 00:04:53,667
Aw, shut up, you.
98
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:54,667
What did I do?
99
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:56,667
Every place I look,
I see an enemy.
100
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,934
Aw, come on, Arch.
I'm a friend, ain't I?
101
00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:01,334
Yeah, you're a friend?
Then prove it. Buy somethin'.
102
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:02,901
Well, I ain't thirsty.
103
00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:05,467
Ah, you're tellin' me.
I can smell it on your breath.
104
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:07,467
It's like an old bar towel.
105
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:08,801
I know where you've been--
106
00:05:08,801 --> 00:05:11,767
with the rest of my ex-friends
at McFeeny's Topless.
107
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:12,801
No, I wasn't.
108
00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:13,801
Yes, you was.
109
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:16,634
You love it over there
in dairy land.
110
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,667
Hey, hey, Arch.
Could I have a glass of water?
111
00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:28,767
A glass of water?
I thought you wasn't thirsty?
112
00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,734
Well, after I finish
this egg, I'll be thirsty.
113
00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:33,334
Get out of there!
Get out of there, you!
114
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,601
Hey, Arch, you got
a funny look in your eye.
115
00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:38,801
Yeah, well, you will, too,
if I bust you one.
116
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:42,734
Hey, use the pay phone,
you freeloader!
117
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,200
Oh, boy, you
really got problems!
118
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,834
Yeah, you're damn right
I got problems.
119
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,567
And you should
have my problems.
120
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:50,133
I got enough of my own.
121
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,634
You gotta know
how to handle 'em.
122
00:05:51,634 --> 00:05:52,734
Aw, tell me.
123
00:05:52,734 --> 00:05:55,067
Well, whenever things
get serious with me,
124
00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:56,734
[CHUCKLES]
I take one of these.
125
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,234
Pills?
126
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,734
Yeah, pills.
127
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:10,033
You take drugs?
128
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:12,767
No, not drugs! Pills!
129
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:16,200
My doctor prescribed
these for me.
130
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,234
Your doctor gave you these?
131
00:06:22,234 --> 00:06:23,801
Yeah, sure.
I got plenty of 'em.
132
00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,834
He gave 'em to my wife
for a weight problem,
133
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:27,834
and I take 'em
when I'm depressed.
134
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,801
It's--it's a part
of today, Arch.
135
00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:31,834
Everybody's got 'em
in their medicine cabinet.
136
00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:33,968
Take one. Go ahead.
It'll pick you up.
137
00:06:33,968 --> 00:06:36,968
Aw, no, I read
about these things.
138
00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:40,667
They get you hoppin'
like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood."
139
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,667
Oh, no, not these.
140
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:47,000
Regular businessmen
take these.
141
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,834
Honest. Truck drivers,
athletes.
142
00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:53,234
How do you think a fullback
gets through a game with a busted knee?
143
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,300
Team spirit.
144
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,834
Don't you read the papers?
145
00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:01,434
This is team spirit.
146
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:04,434
Give me one of them.
147
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,734
Now, what are you
tellin' me?
148
00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:12,567
I take one of these and,
in ten seconds, I'm Joe Namath?
149
00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:15,968
Well, in your case,
it'd take a little longer.
150
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:18,100
But then it'll hit ya.
151
00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:21,634
It'll hit me, huh?
152
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,067
Mm-hmm.
153
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:27,200
Well--well, what do you mean?
Like, um, vavoom?
154
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,667
More like va-vavoom!
155
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,968
Hi ya, fellas.
I can't stop now, I'm on my way to the can.
156
00:07:33,968 --> 00:07:36,033
Hold it, hold it.
Hold it there, Barney!
157
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:38,601
You come into my joint
to use the can?
158
00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:41,701
Listen, I couldn't
make it home from McFeeny's. I'm up to here in beer.
159
00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:43,734
Hold it, hold it.
Get back here, Barney!
160
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:47,901
So you take it on at McFeeny's,
and you let it out at Archie's?
161
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:51,601
You're gettin' more like
your dog Rusty everyday.
162
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,434
That is gross, Arch.
163
00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:55,067
I'll show you what's gross!
164
00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:56,367
Hey, Arch,
what are ya doin'?
165
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,100
There. You wanna see gross!
166
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,934
- Calm down!
Take it easy! - Aah!
167
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:01,767
Arch, why are you
throwin' eggs?
168
00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:03,934
'Cause I ain't got no rocks!
169
00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:05,634
Arch, you're losin'
control of yourself.
170
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:06,634
Take one of these!
171
00:08:06,634 --> 00:08:07,634
Ah, no.
172
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:08,801
- Go ahead--
- No!
173
00:08:08,801 --> 00:08:09,934
It'll make you feel better!
174
00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:11,534
I'll take the whole
damn bottle of 'em!
175
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,467
No, no, no!
Don't do that.
176
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,934
You'll find yourself
goin' to rock concerts.
177
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,968
Arch, take it easy, will ya?
178
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,467
You keep them.
I got plenty.
179
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:27,133
I'll just ask my doctor
for some more.
180
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:30,234
You know, it ain't
the end of the world.
181
00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:33,033
[GROANS]
182
00:08:35,133 --> 00:08:37,667
[SIGHS]
183
00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:13,567
Va-vavoom.
184
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:14,701
Nothin'.
185
00:09:14,701 --> 00:09:17,534
Hey, Arch, you're
out of paper towels.
186
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:20,567
Hey, listen, Barney.
The nicest way to dry your hands
187
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:24,767
is to wave them
in the breeze as you're saying good-bye forever!
188
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:27,767
Oh, boy.
No wonder there's nobody in the joint.
189
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:28,767
Look at you!
190
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:31,100
Ah, well, look at you,
ya fink! Fink off!
191
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,901
This is the last time
I'm gonna use the can in this joint!
192
00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:35,534
You're still a fink, Barney.
193
00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,400
Pick yourself up
off the floor, Arch.
194
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,534
Be a person!
195
00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:52,634
[GAGGING]
196
00:09:57,834 --> 00:09:59,133
Aah.
197
00:10:05,601 --> 00:10:07,601
Aw, geez.
198
00:10:07,601 --> 00:10:13,200
I can't even raise
a lousy va-vavoom.
199
00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:17,334
Va-vavoom!
200
00:10:24,534 --> 00:10:28,400
♪ Well, me name is McNamara ♪
201
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,901
♪ And I'm the leader
of the band ♪
202
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:33,667
♪ Although we're few in numbers,
we're the finest in the land ♪
203
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:37,334
♪ Oh, we play at wakes and
weddings and every fancy ball ♪
204
00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:39,968
♪ And when we play at funerals ♪
205
00:10:39,968 --> 00:10:41,968
♪ We play the march--
open the door ♪
206
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,534
♪ Da-da da-da ♪
207
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:44,667
♪ Open the door ♪
208
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:45,667
I'm comin', Arch.
209
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:46,667
♪ Da-da da-da ♪
210
00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,234
♪ Take off the chain ♪
211
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:49,901
♪ Da-da da-da ♪
212
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:53,534
[SINGING CONTINUES]
213
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:55,067
♪ Deedle dee dum ♪
214
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:58,334
Aw! You moved
that hat rack, Edith.
215
00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:00,100
Oh, no, Archie.
216
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:03,067
Come on to bed.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
217
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,868
♪ 3:00 in the morning ♪
218
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,901
Oh, no. No, Archie,
I don't want to dance.
219
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:10,701
♪ You won't dance,
I'll make you ♪
220
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:12,734
♪ You won't dance,
I'll take you ♪
221
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:14,534
♪ You won't dance,
oh, yes, you will ♪
222
00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:17,067
Oh, Archie.
Come on, you've got to get your sleep.
223
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,501
Let's go to bed.
224
00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:19,767
To where?
225
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,100
To bed.
226
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,801
What do you wanna
go to bed for, you naughty girl ya?
227
00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:25,968
Oh, stop it.
228
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,167
You wanna go to bed?
All right, we'll go to bed.
229
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:31,634
Bed is better when you wait
a little bit for bed, Edith.
230
00:11:31,634 --> 00:11:33,667
In the meantime,
I'm gonna do somethin' for you
231
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:36,400
that I promised to do when we
first moved into this house.
232
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,267
Big surprise.
Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
233
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:39,834
- I'll show you.
- Where are you going?
234
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,267
I'll show you.
I'll be right there.
235
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:44,400
Right there. Close your eyes,
Edith! Close your eyes!
236
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,133
Close your eyes.
Are you ready?
237
00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:47,133
Yeah, I'm ready.
238
00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:48,467
♪ Da-da da da-da ♪
239
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:49,501
Ha ha!
240
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,968
What are you gonna do?
241
00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:54,968
I'm gonna paint the porch.
242
00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:58,367
Oh, Archie, No!
243
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:02,334
No, not now.
Let's go upstairs.
244
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:05,133
I'll paint upstairs tomorrow,
the porch tonight!
245
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:08,601
No, Archie!
You're crazy! Archie.
246
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:11,567
- It's the middle
of the night! - Oh, yeah!
247
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:14,234
- Archie, you're gonna
wake up the neighbors! - Oh, this is beautiful!
248
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,234
Hi, neighbors!
249
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,467
♪ Hi, neighbors ♪
250
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:18,434
♪ what do you do,
and what do you say? ♪
251
00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:19,434
Shh!
252
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,200
♪ Hi, neighbors ♪
253
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,367
BARNEY: Keep it down there,
Arch, will ya? It's quarter to three!
254
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:27,100
You're on the wrong key there,
Barney, it's...
255
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:28,634
♪ Quarter to three ♪
256
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:32,133
♪ There's no one in the joint
here except you and me ♪
257
00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:33,133
Stop it, Archie.
258
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:34,167
[DOG BARKING]
259
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:37,267
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
260
00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:40,501
I want to make that
a beautiful chartreuse there, Edith.
261
00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:41,501
You can do it tomorrow.
262
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:42,667
- Tomorrow, huh?
- Yeah.
263
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:43,968
Oh, I see. I see.
264
00:12:43,968 --> 00:12:47,801
I see. You will have
your way with me, huh, woman?
265
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,567
Oh, Arch.
266
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,000
I didn't--
267
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:55,534
What? If you want me,
you're gonna get me, baby.
268
00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:56,567
Hey!
269
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,767
Hey, hey.
Don't yell headache.
270
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,634
'Cause I'm gonna
cure that headache!
271
00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:04,033
I'm gonna cure
that headache!
272
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:13,968
EDITH: Archie! Breakfast!
273
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,801
Tomorrow, Edith!
274
00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:20,467
It's hotcakes and sausage,
and if you don't come right away,
275
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,601
it'll be cold cakes
and sausage!
276
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,334
What's Archie doin'
out on the porch?
277
00:13:27,334 --> 00:13:29,167
I hope he's not
paintin' it again.
278
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:33,534
Oh, no, he only paints
after midnight.
279
00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:36,534
The worse business
is at the bar,
280
00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:39,267
the crazier he gets.
281
00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:40,968
Hey, boss man.
282
00:13:40,968 --> 00:13:42,801
Come here,
come here, come here.
283
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,300
Did you meet Hank?
284
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:45,300
Yeah.
285
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,501
Well, you got
the P-I-L-Zs?
286
00:13:47,501 --> 00:13:48,434
Tsk.
287
00:13:49,934 --> 00:13:52,267
You know, Mr. Bunker,
you're a lucky man.
288
00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:55,667
You don't have to
hang around schoolyards to pick up your junk.
289
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:59,234
Hey, listen,
this isn't junk to me.
290
00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:02,200
I can quit anything,
anytime.
291
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,200
That's what my cousin
said about wearin' dresses.
292
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,968
Now he's a majorette
in the school band.
293
00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:12,567
It's 10:00.
Go down and open the saloon.
294
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:14,501
I'll be right there after ya.
Hurry up!
295
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,868
Hurry up! Hurry up!
296
00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:18,367
[CLEARS THROAT]
297
00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:20,968
All right, Edith, now I gotta
get right down to the business.
298
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,067
I gotta go.
299
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:24,501
But come on and have
your hotcakes and sausage.
300
00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:26,100
Wh-Where's my cigars?
Cigars, cigars, cigars?
301
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,701
Over there. Archie,
you can't go to work on an empty stomach.
302
00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:30,901
Yeah, well,
I don't want nothin'.
303
00:14:30,901 --> 00:14:33,033
Oh, come on,
you gotta eat somethin'.
304
00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:34,534
I'll eat my cigars.
305
00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:37,634
- Oh, Archie.
Eat your pancakes. - No, no!
306
00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:38,634
MICHAEL: Come on. Eat.
307
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:39,968
No, no, no, no, no.
308
00:14:39,968 --> 00:14:41,934
I got no use for food.
You know somethin'?
309
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:45,934
The world eats too much
that I might kick food. Yeah.
310
00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:48,033
[ALL YELLING]
311
00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:50,000
Leave me alone.
I don't want to argue.
312
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,100
I don't want to argue!
You want me to eat? All right, I'll eat!
313
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,834
There. There.
314
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:03,901
[DOOR CLOSES]
315
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,267
That man is on something.
316
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,467
Bananas.
317
00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:15,868
He's on bananas?
318
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:23,434
Oh.
319
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:26,167
Oh, n--
320
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,968
Oh, my.
321
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:47,868
Big crowd tonight, boss.
322
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:49,701
I guess you can
handle it yourself, huh?
323
00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:51,667
Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah.
324
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:52,968
Thanks for the night off.
325
00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:54,501
What night did we say?
326
00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:56,000
Tonight.
327
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,200
This week?
328
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,334
Hey, chief,
are you all right?
329
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,934
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm all right. I'm all right.
330
00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:05,267
Look--look, just say
the word and I stay.
331
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,267
No, no, no. You go on.
You got a date.
332
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,701
Your girl's
gonna be sore at ya.
333
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:09,701
No, no.
She'll understand.
334
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:11,467
I'll tell her
somebody stabbed me.
335
00:16:14,868 --> 00:16:16,901
No, no, no. Don't do that.
No, never lie.
336
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:19,167
If there's one thing you're
gonna learn workin' for me,
337
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:21,300
it's that a good man
never lies.
338
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:24,234
Look it, boss, I'm worried
about them fireballs you've been poppin'.
339
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,067
And with the booze, too.
The way you've been goin',
340
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,834
you're goin' to be
the first bartender on the moon!
341
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:30,334
Who the hell are you?
Ralph Nuder?
342
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:33,901
Come on now, asta bananas
to ya. Go on, go on, go on.
343
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,400
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, Arch.
344
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,534
Hi, Archie.
345
00:16:36,534 --> 00:16:38,200
- Hi, Manuel.
- Hello, Manuel.
346
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,734
Look who's here--
your family.
347
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,534
Yeah, just the three of us
stopped by to say hello.
348
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,701
Just me and Gloria
and Mike.
349
00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:47,234
Yeah, well, I noticed you
comin' in the door there.
350
00:16:47,234 --> 00:16:49,801
So, what, did you come
to spy on the old man, huh?
351
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:54,367
[ALL MAKING EXCUSES]
352
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:55,968
We wanted a drink.
353
00:16:55,968 --> 00:16:57,767
Yeah, that's it.
We wanted a drink.
354
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,467
I'll have a scotch
on the rocks.
355
00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:00,467
Bourbon on the rocks.
356
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:02,901
Pepsi on the rocks.
357
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:05,200
Well, all right, go ahead,
go ahead. Sit down, sit down.
358
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,534
Let's go sit over here.
359
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,534
Here, Mike, sit here.
360
00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:09,868
Sure.
361
00:17:09,868 --> 00:17:12,701
I mean, it's all right.
It's nice to see ya.
362
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:17,234
I mean, I--I'm glad
to see you all comin' in this way, you know.
363
00:17:17,234 --> 00:17:19,200
I suppose
lookin' around, uh,
364
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:23,901
you can kinda tell
that business ain't too-- what do you call it?
365
00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:25,601
quick tonight, you know.
366
00:17:25,601 --> 00:17:28,467
But, uh, in the
saloon business,
367
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:31,200
the Saturday nights
can be slow.
368
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:35,767
Really?
369
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:37,234
Why is that?
370
00:17:37,234 --> 00:17:39,234
Uh, nobody knows.
371
00:17:39,234 --> 00:17:41,667
But that's okay,
I ain't worried.
372
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:43,501
You know, uh, that happens.
373
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:46,467
Uh, business will pick up.
See, I ain't worried about nothin'.
374
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,534
There ya are. Pepsi there.
There's a bourbon for you. Scotch for you.
375
00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:51,234
Aren't you gonna
have somethin'?
376
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:54,334
Oh, no, I--I never touch
nothin' strong on the job.
377
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,534
Drink up.
378
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:57,701
Here's to Archie's Place.
379
00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,734
Yeah. Here, here, Daddy.
380
00:17:59,734 --> 00:18:01,400
Well, listen, you know,
I ain't perfect.
381
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,634
I--I make a mistake
here and there.
382
00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:07,100
For instance, you know,
buying the place and maybe, uh--uh,
383
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:11,801
my mind chewed off more
than a mind should bite.
384
00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:14,467
But, hey, listen.
I was reading the paper the other day
385
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,667
and seen an ad in the paper
for one of these guys they call efficiency experts.
386
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:20,634
An efficiency expert
is a guy who works out a system of things.
387
00:18:20,634 --> 00:18:23,534
Systems, see?
Systems for doin' things the right way.
388
00:18:23,534 --> 00:18:25,601
See? So I figure
I'll answer that ad
389
00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:28,200
and get one of them
efficiency experts guys to show me the system.
390
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,834
And I'll listen
to that guy, see?
391
00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:31,434
I will listen to that guy!
392
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:33,968
Well, that makes sense.
Doesn't it, Ma? It makes sense.
393
00:18:33,968 --> 00:18:35,501
Michael, doesn't that
make sense? Michael?
394
00:18:35,501 --> 00:18:37,534
Oh, yeah.
395
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:41,267
Oh, damn right it makes--
a system makes sense, see?
396
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:43,300
And, uh, once I get
on the system here,
397
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,701
then the place
will start to hum.
398
00:18:44,701 --> 00:18:46,033
[HUMMING]
399
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,167
See?
400
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,434
And one saloon, hey,
one saloon could be two.
401
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:51,601
Two is better than one.
402
00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:53,367
And why not three?
Three's better than two.
403
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,367
But I'll tell ya
what's best of all--
404
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,767
a whole string of saloons.
405
00:18:57,767 --> 00:18:59,267
See, a whole string
of them there.
406
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:02,267
They could be novelty joints,
they could be specialty joints.
407
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:05,767
You know I was thinkin'
curb service. You know, you've seen curb service.
408
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:07,567
Well, maybe have
a curb service there.
409
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:11,000
Not maybe. The hell with it,
I mean we'll have a curb service there!
410
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,133
And what about the motel, see?
411
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:15,567
Now, you've all seen
a bar in a motel.
412
00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:21,234
But whoever heard
of a motel in a bar?
413
00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:23,601
Aah.
414
00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:26,767
Hey, you sell 'em all they
want to drink there,
415
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:29,868
then you charge 'em
to sleep it off in the back.
416
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,534
I even got a name for that--
417
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,634
Booze 'n Snooze.
418
00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:35,934
Booze 'n Snooze,
Booze 'n Snooze, huh?
419
00:19:35,934 --> 00:19:37,200
- Nice.
- Hey, yeah.
420
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,734
Hey, that's the way
to success.
421
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:41,467
So--so even when you're down
a little bit there,
422
00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:43,634
a little success, see,
and you're right up again.
423
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,067
You know what I mean? Huh?
424
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:46,767
- Daddy, that's--sure.
- Sure?
425
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:49,267
- Sit down, Archie.
- Yeah, yeah, let me sit down.
426
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:51,801
Well, did you hear
about McDonald's? You know, McDonald's.
427
00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:55,701
The hamburger guy McDonald!
All right, now, what the hell was McDonald
428
00:19:55,701 --> 00:19:58,501
but just a guy
like me starting out with a shack and a hotplate
429
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,734
and a couple of pounds
of raw meat. That's all.
430
00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:02,934
Now the guy's a
multi-billionaire.
431
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:07,534
He's so rich, he don't have
to eat his own hamburger for the rest of his life.
432
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:09,734
Huh? Huh?
433
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:11,901
Oh, geez, look at this.
434
00:20:11,901 --> 00:20:15,033
See, the flower's
gone out of there.
435
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:19,601
So, hey, McDonald, he's big.
Yeah, but he ain't the only guy.
436
00:20:19,601 --> 00:20:22,200
McDonald's with his arches,
see? McDonald's arches.
437
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,067
What about Archie's arches?
438
00:20:24,067 --> 00:20:26,334
See? Archie's golden arches.
Archie's arches, huh?
439
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:27,968
Does that sound good?
440
00:20:27,968 --> 00:20:32,601
There'd be a sign up there, see?
"Over one billion belts of booze, boy"
441
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,300
Hey, that's good.
Say that fast.
442
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,734
A billion belts of booze, boy.
Say that fast. Say it, say it, say it!
443
00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:40,267
ALL: One billion belts
of booze, boy.
444
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,234
Say it faster than that!
A billion belts of booze, boy.
445
00:20:42,234 --> 00:20:44,501
A billion belts of booze, boy.
Yeah, see?
446
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:47,100
Say belts of booze--
And people will be trying to say that all over.
447
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:48,968
They'll have it
on the television quiz shows, you know?
448
00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:50,534
Say it fast.
Billion belts of booze, boy.
449
00:20:50,534 --> 00:20:53,200
And a group of businesses--
a better business.
450
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,601
Business better,
better business. Say that, Edith.
451
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:57,033
Better business,
business better.
452
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:58,033
Yeah, better business, see?
453
00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,067
And then, you know what?
454
00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:02,467
I see there also
gas stations, see?
455
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:06,734
But that ain't a gas station,
'cause the pumps, they ain't pumpin' gas.
456
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:08,200
Ah ha ha.
457
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,534
They ain't pumpin' gas.
458
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,267
You know what
them pumps are pumpin'?
459
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,334
There's a pump for bourbon.
460
00:21:13,334 --> 00:21:16,434
A pump for scotch.
461
00:21:16,434 --> 00:21:18,367
And then there's
a premium pump, little girl.
462
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:21,200
You know what the premium pump
is pumpin' there?
463
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,801
Champagne. Huh? Huh?
464
00:21:23,801 --> 00:21:26,167
- What beautiful ideas, Daddy.
- They're terrific, huh?
465
00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:28,033
Oh, look.
466
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:29,601
There ain't
no flower in that.
467
00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:30,934
Here.
468
00:21:30,934 --> 00:21:35,033
Archie, why don't you
close up and come on home?
469
00:21:35,033 --> 00:21:37,100
Home, home!
Home is wherever the operation is.
470
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:39,100
The operation can go anywhere
all over the world, Edith.
471
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:43,000
The operation can go to,
uh, Russia, China, huh?
472
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,300
Even to the North Pole,
where you got free ice cubes all around you there, huh?
473
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:51,067
Um, Arch, what do you
say I help you close up for tonight, huh?
474
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:53,467
Close up is to close down!
Close down is to go bust.
475
00:21:53,467 --> 00:21:55,334
You don't do that.
You stay open all the time.
476
00:21:55,334 --> 00:21:56,834
Archie's will be
open all the time.
477
00:21:56,834 --> 00:21:58,534
You start off this way.
Here's the scam.
478
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,901
One bar here, see?
One bar in Queens.
479
00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:03,234
And then from Queens,
then you spread out.
480
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:04,868
You see here?
481
00:22:04,868 --> 00:22:06,467
Hey, Edith, here.
482
00:22:06,467 --> 00:22:08,868
Hey, take the flower from there
and put it in here.
483
00:22:08,868 --> 00:22:10,834
And then you spread out.
You go up to Jersey.
484
00:22:10,834 --> 00:22:12,434
What the hell
am I talkin' about?
485
00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:15,100
I hate Jersey all my life.
I don't want to go to Jersey.
486
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:16,868
We'll go to Connecticut, see?
487
00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:18,734
Up there with all the swells
in Connecticut.
488
00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:21,434
And then when the winter time
comes along, the swells all go down to Florida.
489
00:22:21,434 --> 00:22:23,033
You move the operation
down to Florida with them,
490
00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:25,267
because anything
that goes big in Florida,
491
00:22:25,267 --> 00:22:27,033
boy, that's big
every place, see?
492
00:22:27,033 --> 00:22:28,567
The whole thing down there.
493
00:22:28,567 --> 00:22:30,934
The curb service
down there, see?
494
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:32,367
And the Booze 'n Snooze there.
495
00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:35,067
Billion belts of booze, boy.
And all of that.
496
00:22:35,067 --> 00:22:38,100
And the pumps with the bourbon
and scotch and champagne!
497
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:39,901
You'd make a million there,
Edith, you know?
498
00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,701
You'd make a million there.
499
00:22:41,701 --> 00:22:45,300
Oh, hey, hey,
don't look like that. I know what I'm doin'.
500
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:46,801
I know what I'm doin', Edith.
501
00:23:02,534 --> 00:23:03,868
Yeah.
502
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:06,434
Well.
503
00:23:09,367 --> 00:23:13,501
I--I don't know
what I'm doin' at all.
504
00:23:13,501 --> 00:23:16,167
I--I don't--I don't know
what I'm doin' here.
505
00:23:20,601 --> 00:23:25,834
I--I--I tried, Edith, you know.
506
00:23:25,834 --> 00:23:30,567
And Lord knows I try.
507
00:23:30,567 --> 00:23:35,868
But I was wrong, I--I
should have listened to you, darling, you know.
508
00:23:35,868 --> 00:23:38,968
You told me
not to open up no bar.
509
00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:44,467
But I wanted it...to be
somethin' big, you know?
510
00:23:44,467 --> 00:23:47,200
But the hell with it I guess.
511
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,000
I'm just a...a working man.
512
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:57,334
That's all I'll ever be.
513
00:23:59,868 --> 00:24:04,634
But I didn't mean
no harm, Edith.
514
00:24:04,634 --> 00:24:07,267
I didn't mean no harm.
515
00:24:07,267 --> 00:24:10,200
It's all right, Archie.
516
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,734
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
517
00:24:12,734 --> 00:24:16,067
Everything's gonna
be all right, Archie.
518
00:24:16,067 --> 00:24:17,334
[CRYING]
519
00:24:17,334 --> 00:24:20,734
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
520
00:24:20,734 --> 00:24:24,367
I didn't mean no harm.
521
00:24:41,868 --> 00:24:45,868
[♪♪♪]
522
00:24:45,868 --> 00:24:49,868
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape beforea live audience.
523
00:24:49,918 --> 00:24:54,468
Repair and Synchronization by
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