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00:00:01,467 --> 00:00:04,267
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,267 --> 00:00:07,934
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,934 --> 00:00:11,100
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:13,501
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:17,267
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:20,434
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,434 --> 00:00:25,601
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,601 --> 00:00:28,767
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:31,734
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,734 --> 00:00:35,734
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,734 --> 00:00:41,601
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:57,667
It's nice.
13
00:00:57,667 --> 00:00:59,534
It stinks.
14
00:01:02,934 --> 00:01:05,634
I hate motels.
15
00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:07,234
What was that
creepy desk clerk
16
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,968
whispering
into your ear there?
17
00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:11,734
Oh, he asked me
if we was gonna use
18
00:01:11,734 --> 00:01:14,133
the room for more
than an hour.
19
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,267
Oh...
20
00:01:16,267 --> 00:01:19,934
I wonder why
he asked me that.
21
00:01:19,934 --> 00:01:22,067
'Cause whenever we
check into a motel,
22
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:24,400
you stand around
looking dopey.
23
00:01:26,167 --> 00:01:29,167
"Call front desk
if you wish to see
24
00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:31,934
today's adult film
presentation."
25
00:01:31,934 --> 00:01:34,033
Forget that!
Forget that.
26
00:01:34,033 --> 00:01:39,767
Today's movie is
Goldilocks and the Three Bares.
27
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:44,701
Look at the way
they spelled "bears." B--
28
00:01:44,701 --> 00:01:46,801
A-R-E-S.
29
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:49,367
Oh, what a view
for the $9 we gave 'em.
30
00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:50,934
Is it pretty?
31
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:52,467
Oh, it's breathtakin',
Edith--
32
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:54,300
two Pintos and a Toyota.
33
00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:57,601
We better get ready
for the funeral.
34
00:01:57,601 --> 00:01:58,901
Here's your tie.
35
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:02,167
Oh, I better
fix my face first.
36
00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:04,367
Well, don't rouge it up
too much, Edith.
37
00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:05,767
You ain't
the guest of honor.
38
00:02:08,501 --> 00:02:10,834
I sure hope it ain't
one of them
39
00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:13,434
open-casket
affairs, you know?
40
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,734
'Cause I--I hate
lookin' at somebody
41
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:19,267
who ain't
lookin' back at me.
42
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:23,601
And then, too, you never
know what they're thinkin',
43
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:24,701
you know, Edith?
44
00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:27,734
How could
they be thinkin'?
45
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:30,634
Edith, don't try
to make sense
46
00:02:30,634 --> 00:02:34,234
out of every little thing
I say to you, huh?
47
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:35,767
You're married to a guy
48
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:38,934
that has a lot of deep
thoughts, you know?
49
00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:40,934
And maybe they're
too deep for you,
50
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:43,934
so don't try to get
down here with me.
51
00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:49,033
I just can't believe
that Cousin Liz is gone.
52
00:02:49,033 --> 00:02:50,167
That's another thing.
53
00:02:50,167 --> 00:02:52,100
Why do people always say
they can't believe
54
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,968
that so-and-so is gone,
55
00:02:53,968 --> 00:02:55,901
like it's some kind
of big surprise?
56
00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:58,534
I mean, everybody's
gotta go, Edith.
57
00:02:58,534 --> 00:03:00,200
I mean, we gotta go.
58
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,400
I mean, you gotta go today,
maybe me later on.
59
00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:08,167
But it's so sad.
60
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,067
Oh, well,
I'll give you that.
61
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:12,367
Yeah, Liz was
a beautiful girl,
62
00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:15,000
and the nicest relation
in your family.
63
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,133
Always said she was
the one good egg
64
00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:20,534
in a barrel
of rotten apples.
65
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,734
Poor Liz.
66
00:03:22,734 --> 00:03:25,133
She was so beautiful.
67
00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:28,067
It's too bad
she never got married.
68
00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:30,467
She didn't have any fun.
69
00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:31,734
Well, listen, Edith,
70
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:36,200
not every girl can be
as lucky as you, you know?
71
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,067
And being so beautiful,
you know,
72
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:40,801
she could have
probably got herself a wonderful fella.
73
00:03:40,801 --> 00:03:43,667
For instance, uh, I don't
suppose I ever told you this,
74
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,501
but, uh, like me,
75
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:47,934
I once had
a kinda crush on Liz.
76
00:03:47,934 --> 00:03:49,334
Oh, really?
Well, yeah.
77
00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:50,868
What'd you do about it?
78
00:03:50,868 --> 00:03:51,868
I kissed her.
79
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:53,601
Oh.
80
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:54,834
Is that all?
81
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,901
Yeah, she wouldn't
do nothin' else.
82
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,334
You know, I hate black,
83
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:04,767
like they got in this
"funererial" suit here.
84
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:07,133
Oh, you look nice in it.
85
00:04:07,133 --> 00:04:08,367
Oh, gee, oh, look,
86
00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:10,667
oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this.
87
00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:14,167
You remember
where I wore that last?
88
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:17,400
Oh, yeah, Stretch
Cunningham's funeral.
89
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:18,834
Yeah.
90
00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:22,934
That's--that's
your beanie.
91
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:26,033
This ain't a beanie.
92
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,601
You know what
the Jews call this?
93
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,901
A Yamaha, Edith.
94
00:04:32,534 --> 00:04:34,567
Poor old Stretch,
95
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:38,234
and everybody down at work
loved Stretch so, you know,
96
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,567
and we never got
a chance to tell him.
97
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:44,200
It's too bad
we don't know in advance
98
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,968
when people
are gonna pass away.
99
00:04:46,968 --> 00:04:48,300
Oh, gee, "pass away"?
100
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:49,868
That's another one
of them words
101
00:04:49,868 --> 00:04:51,267
that I hate, you know?
102
00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:52,868
"Pass away," that's
for the gas
103
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:54,901
from those poops here,
you know?
104
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:57,734
But people die.
Die, it's a good word.
105
00:04:57,734 --> 00:04:59,501
Can't you say "die"?
106
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:01,334
Oh, no.
107
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:02,734
Well, if it's too rough
for you,
108
00:05:02,734 --> 00:05:04,801
then pick out something
a little more softer,
109
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:07,267
like, for instance,
"croak."
110
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,701
You can say that,
can't you? Say it.
111
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,934
Croak.
112
00:05:12,934 --> 00:05:14,567
Yes.
113
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:21,000
If we knew in advance when
people are gonna...croak,
114
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,367
then we could
say goodbye to them,
115
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:27,234
and tell 'em
how wonderful they are.
116
00:05:27,234 --> 00:05:29,767
By the time we say
what we ought to say,
117
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:31,801
it's too late
to say it.
118
00:05:31,801 --> 00:05:33,968
Oh, jeez, oh, jeez.
119
00:05:33,968 --> 00:05:36,100
Look at this here.
Look at this.
120
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,634
Oh, it's a spot.
121
00:05:37,634 --> 00:05:40,200
Here,
I'll get it out.
122
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,000
Archie?
Yeah, what?
123
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,200
You're wonderful.
124
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,234
You don't have
to tell me that.
125
00:05:47,234 --> 00:05:49,734
I--I wanted to tell ya
126
00:05:49,734 --> 00:05:51,701
before it's too late.
127
00:05:58,868 --> 00:06:00,601
Thank you very much,
Edith,
128
00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:02,767
and I wanna tell you somethin'
before it's too late.
129
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:03,767
Yeah?
130
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:07,067
Get the spot
out of the tie, huh?
131
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,300
Look at your nail.
132
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,767
Don't replace the spot
with a hole, please.
133
00:06:11,767 --> 00:06:14,534
Oh, you notice
the Gideon's Bible here, Edith?
134
00:06:14,534 --> 00:06:15,968
Know what that's for?
135
00:06:15,968 --> 00:06:18,133
That's so the people can
watch all the dirty movies,
136
00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:19,601
and repent after.
137
00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:24,834
Wouldn't it be nice
if Stretch Cunningham
138
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:27,901
and Cousin Liz
met up in Heaven?
139
00:06:27,901 --> 00:06:30,467
Oh, I think they'd
like each other.
140
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:32,133
What good
would it to them?
141
00:06:32,133 --> 00:06:33,300
What do you mean?
142
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,000
'Cause when
they're up in Heaven,
143
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:39,100
they ain't got nothin'
to do nothin' with, you know?
144
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,968
Ain't you never seen
pictures of angels
145
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,667
flying around
in the churches there?
146
00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:44,601
The only parts they got
is the wings, see?
147
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:46,734
The rest of them
is smooth.
148
00:06:52,133 --> 00:06:56,167
That's another reason
the angels ain't ashamed to fly around naked.
149
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,300
I wanted to ask you,
150
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:06,167
how long was that Cousin Liz
of yours teaching school?
151
00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:09,734
Oh, a long time--
20, 25 years.
152
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,000
That's what I thought,
153
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,334
so she must have saved
a lot of money, you know,
154
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:16,000
and you being her closest
living relation there,
155
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,133
you know, if you're
following my meaning.
156
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:22,100
Oh, Archie, I don't wanna
talk about that now.
157
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,200
Edith,
all I'm sayin' to you
158
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,934
is that you stand
to collect here, you know?
159
00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:30,267
I mean, maybe she stashed
away a boodle of dough there
160
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:33,234
for her old age, which
she ain't gonna have now
161
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:35,667
because she died.
162
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:38,100
She didn't have
much money, Archie.
163
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:40,100
What do you mean?
What expense could she have?
164
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,934
All them years
sharin' that apartment
165
00:07:41,934 --> 00:07:43,567
with the other old maid
school-teacher,
166
00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:44,734
Veronica whosis.
167
00:07:44,734 --> 00:07:46,701
Well, that's why
they had to share it,
168
00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:47,934
'cause they was teachers.
169
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:49,467
Teachers don't
make much money.
170
00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:50,968
Look at Mike.
171
00:07:50,968 --> 00:07:52,801
Don't make me think
of him and a corpse
172
00:07:52,801 --> 00:07:54,033
in the one day,
will ya?
173
00:07:54,033 --> 00:07:55,868
We better go.
174
00:07:55,868 --> 00:07:57,701
Yeah, yeah,
here's your coat there.
175
00:07:57,701 --> 00:07:59,467
Hey, you know what
just crossed my mind?
176
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:00,901
I bet we're the first
man and woman
177
00:08:00,901 --> 00:08:04,534
that ever rented
this motel room to put clothes on.
178
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:05,534
Come on, Archie.
179
00:08:05,534 --> 00:08:07,067
Yeah, well,
wait a minute.
180
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:09,734
I gotta do somethin'
first here, Edith.
181
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:19,501
What are you
doing that for?
182
00:08:19,501 --> 00:08:20,767
I don't want
them to think
183
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:21,968
there's anything
wrong with us.
184
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,167
Go on.
185
00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:38,067
Ain't you got
enough of that?
186
00:08:38,067 --> 00:08:40,534
Let her have
what she wants.
187
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:43,000
Old people
throw up, Edith.
188
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:49,434
Excuse me, please.
189
00:08:49,434 --> 00:08:51,267
Excuse me.
190
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:53,100
Thank you very much,
thank you.
191
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,801
Well, well, well,
Veronica.
192
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,300
Jeez, you and Liz,
193
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,033
you had a nice
little apartment here.
194
00:08:58,033 --> 00:08:59,534
Oh, thank you, Archie.
195
00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:00,667
Come on, Edith,
come on.
196
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:02,734
Sit right down here.
You could move.
197
00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:06,567
Uh, thank you.
198
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,100
I'll speak to you later,
Mr. Arnold.
199
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:11,133
It was a lovely funeral,
Veronica.
200
00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,501
Thank you, Edith.
201
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:16,467
Everybody seemed
to enjoy it.
202
00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:19,434
Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
203
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:23,667
She looked so beautiful,
didn't she, Archie?
204
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:26,734
Yeah, the funeral must have
cost a bundle, huh?
205
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,567
Oh, well, uh,
yes, it did, Archie.
206
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:31,334
That's what
I was afraid of.
207
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:34,367
See, that cuts down
on the remaining cash, Edith,
208
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:36,167
which is
where you come in.
209
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:39,701
Uh, Archie, the Teacher's Union
insurance paid for it.
210
00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:41,601
Oh, then it was
worth every cent.
211
00:09:41,601 --> 00:09:43,868
Veronica, I really must go.
212
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,434
Oh, excuse me
for just a minute.
213
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:47,033
Yeah, yeah,
go ahead, go ahead.
214
00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:48,467
Well, there better
be some cash, Edith,
215
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:49,968
'cause I don't see
nothin' around here
216
00:09:49,968 --> 00:09:51,501
that we could use use,
you know,
217
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:54,434
barring the 19 1/2"
color TV over there
218
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:56,868
with the remote control
and the magic-eye tuner there,
219
00:09:56,868 --> 00:09:58,801
and the hi-fi I see
over in the corner.
220
00:09:58,801 --> 00:10:02,100
Archie, we shouldn't
talk about that now.
221
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:06,334
Anyway, some of these things
must belong to Veronica.
222
00:10:06,334 --> 00:10:08,701
The only thing I see
that's coming to me
223
00:10:08,701 --> 00:10:10,934
is that silver
tea set there.
224
00:10:10,934 --> 00:10:12,701
Ain't it beautiful?
225
00:10:12,701 --> 00:10:14,801
Yeah, if you like tea.
226
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:18,400
It's been in our family
for 100 years.
227
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,634
I know it's old,
228
00:10:19,634 --> 00:10:21,334
but still it's gotta
be worth something.
229
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:24,434
See, originally it belonged
to my great grandmother
230
00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:25,801
on my mother's side,
231
00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:27,334
and when
my great grandmother
232
00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:28,868
on my mother's side
got married,
233
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:31,000
she got it
as a wedding present
234
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:35,367
from my great grandfather's
brother on my father's side, All right, Edith.
235
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:37,000
and then when my
grandmother passed away Edith.
236
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,300
she left it to Cousin Liz's
mother on my mother's side,
237
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,501
and that broke
my mother's heart. Edith,
238
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:44,934
I'm gonna
take my life, Edith.
239
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,634
I'll take my life, Edith.
240
00:10:46,634 --> 00:10:48,167
...from my grandmother
on my mother's side,
241
00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:49,267
so Aunt Lucy prom--
242
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:53,968
Oh, Archie, Archie,
don't do that.
243
00:10:53,968 --> 00:10:57,501
I ain't interested
in the silver tea set there, Edith.
244
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:59,634
You're the next of kin.
It'll come to you.
245
00:10:59,634 --> 00:11:01,667
When you get it,
you turn it over for $10.
246
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:04,234
Oh, it's worth
more than that.
247
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:05,434
Ah, $12.50.
248
00:11:05,434 --> 00:11:10,000
No, that must be worth
at least $2,000.
249
00:11:14,834 --> 00:11:16,634
Two thousand doll--
get outta here.
250
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:17,701
Mm, sure.
251
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:20,601
That's real, antique,
sterling silver.
252
00:11:20,601 --> 00:11:23,267
That's worth a fortune
these days,
253
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,400
but I ain't gonna
sell it, Archie.
254
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,434
It's gonna stay
right in the family
255
00:11:27,434 --> 00:11:29,501
where it belongs.
256
00:11:29,501 --> 00:11:32,400
There's a trip
to California on that tray.
257
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,400
Uh, Edith, excuse me.
258
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,133
I wonder if I could
speak to you
259
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,267
privately for a minute.
260
00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:37,667
Oh, sure.
Excuse us, Archie.
261
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:39,734
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, I'll just mingle
262
00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:42,167
with the mourners
a little bit, yeah.
263
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:43,901
Say, you don't wanna
fool with that.
264
00:11:43,901 --> 00:11:46,901
That's very, uh,
valuable silver there. Yeah, sure.
265
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:48,000
Get away from that.
266
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:55,033
Oh, ain't this lovely?
267
00:11:55,033 --> 00:11:56,033
Thank you.
268
00:11:56,033 --> 00:11:58,567
Was this Liz's room?
269
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:00,200
Well, this was
our room, Edith.
270
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,968
Oh, you shared
the same bedroom.
271
00:12:02,968 --> 00:12:04,467
We shared everything.
272
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:05,868
Would you sit down
please, Edith?
273
00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:07,000
Thank you.
274
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,667
Uh, Edith, um,
275
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:11,200
I couldn't help overhearing
the conversation
276
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:15,033
between you and Archie
about Liz's silver tea set.
277
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:18,100
Oh, it's beautiful,
ain't it?
278
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,601
Yes, it is.
It gave us such pleasure.
279
00:12:20,601 --> 00:12:22,100
I'm so glad.
280
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,567
Every afternoon after school,
281
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:28,667
we'd spend a leisurely hour
having tea,
282
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,200
and no matter what,
283
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,968
we always had that hour
that belonged to just us.
284
00:12:33,968 --> 00:12:35,868
Oh, that's nice.
285
00:12:35,868 --> 00:12:40,701
And, uh, I know
it's very valuable,
286
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:43,167
but it means
so much to me.
287
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:45,501
I was wondering if...
288
00:12:45,501 --> 00:12:48,200
if maybe I could keep it?
289
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,801
Oh, well, I don't know.
290
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:54,534
I--I'd see that it
gets back into your family.
291
00:12:54,534 --> 00:12:57,834
It's been in my family
for 100 years.
292
00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:00,968
See, originally it belonged
to my great grandmother
293
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,200
on my mother's side,
294
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,701
and when she was married
it was a wedding present
295
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,701
from my great grandfa--
296
00:13:07,701 --> 00:13:10,067
Oh, I'm sorry, Veronica.
297
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,334
I didn't mean
to upset you.
298
00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:15,200
Edith...
299
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:21,767
Your cousin Liz
and I were...
300
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:24,834
very fond of each other...
301
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:27,601
extremely
fond of each other.
302
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:30,367
Oh, I know...
303
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:32,934
we was, too.
304
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:38,667
No, um, you see, we...
305
00:13:38,667 --> 00:13:41,801
we--we loved each other.
306
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,534
I know.
307
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:49,067
We loved
each other, too.
308
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:52,767
I can remember when
we was kids in school.
309
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:54,901
We was like sisters.
310
00:13:56,267 --> 00:14:00,734
Uh, no,
this wasn't like that.
311
00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:03,567
We loved each other...
312
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,501
...in a different way.
313
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,601
Oh, what way?
314
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:14,133
Uh, well, this was...
315
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:19,200
...more like a marriage.
316
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,667
A marriage?
317
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:22,200
Oh, but it couldn't be.
318
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,534
I mean, you and Cousin Liz
was both gi--
319
00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:36,467
Oh.
320
00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:40,934
Oh.
321
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:48,734
You mean that
you and Cousin Liz--
322
00:14:48,734 --> 00:14:50,300
Yes.
323
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,467
Oh.
324
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:02,200
We had a happy,
wonderful life together,
325
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,534
25 marvelous years.
326
00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:07,000
Oh.
327
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,167
Oh, uh, that's good.
328
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:15,033
I wonder why she
never mentioned it.
329
00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:18,267
Well, people don't wanna
hear about those things.
330
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:20,601
I mean, do you think
that we would have been
331
00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:23,334
allowed to continue to work
as school teachers?
332
00:15:23,334 --> 00:15:25,601
Well, why not?
333
00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:29,801
I mean, that don't affect
the brain, does it?
334
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:35,133
Oh, oh, Veronica,
335
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:39,334
I wish you hadn't
told me about this.
336
00:15:41,234 --> 00:15:42,234
So do I.
337
00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:44,767
Oh, no,
I didn't mean that.
338
00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:47,367
I mean it's so sad.
339
00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:52,033
It must have been
terrible lovin' somebody
340
00:15:52,033 --> 00:15:55,400
and not bein' able
to talk about it.
341
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:59,133
I--You can have
the tea set.
342
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:01,667
I mean, it belongs to you.
343
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:04,467
You're really
her next of kin.
344
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:08,167
Oh, thank you, Edith,
thank you.
345
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:10,901
[KNOCK]
346
00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:13,467
Oh, uh, hey, Veronica,
347
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:14,767
the guests seemed
to wanna leave,
348
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,434
so I told 'em
to go ahead. Oh.
349
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,167
Edith,
you know somethin'?
350
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,501
You were right,
that's very valuable.
351
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:22,834
I turned it upside down,
352
00:16:22,834 --> 00:16:24,367
it says "silver"
underneath there.
353
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:27,133
You know what you are?
You're a "hairess," Edith.
354
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,601
Huh? Hey--
355
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:31,234
♪ California,
here I come ♪
356
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:32,367
Oh, no, Archie, no,
357
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,467
we ain't goin'
to California,
358
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,968
'cause we ain't takin'
the tea set, Archie?
359
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:38,300
Huh?
360
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,367
We ain't
takin the tea set.
361
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,634
I'm gonna let
Veronica keep it.
362
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:43,868
Why?
363
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:47,734
Because she
deserves it.
364
00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:52,000
Edith, you're Liz's closet
living relation.
365
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,367
Veronica was even closer.
366
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:58,100
Sharin' the rent
ain't thicker than blood.
367
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:01,667
No, see, Veronica
was closer to Cousin Liz
368
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:03,501
than me
or anybody else.
369
00:17:03,501 --> 00:17:05,934
What the hell
are you talking about?
370
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:08,100
Veronica--Veronica
ain't even family.
371
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:13,033
It's--it's like to me,
you're family.
372
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,067
Certainly I'm family.
373
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:16,901
You and me is married,
Edith.
374
00:17:16,901 --> 00:17:21,634
Well, Veronica
and Cousin Liz was...
375
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:26,567
...like married.
376
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:53,000
Are you tellin' me that
Liz and Veronica was...
377
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:02,567
That beautiful girl
that I kissed?
378
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:06,801
Liz was a les?
379
00:18:10,601 --> 00:18:12,701
No.
Yeah.
380
00:18:12,701 --> 00:18:14,534
No.
Yeah.
381
00:18:14,534 --> 00:18:16,067
No.
Yeah.
382
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:17,934
No!
383
00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:19,234
Yeah.
384
00:18:19,234 --> 00:18:22,300
Edith, you must have
got something wrong,
385
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,400
you heard something wrong,
you got mixed up some way
386
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,701
in this conversation
you was havin' in there with Veronica.
387
00:18:26,701 --> 00:18:28,834
Did you once hear
the word "queer"?
388
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:30,567
Shh!
389
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,434
You'll embarrass her.
390
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:33,901
Embarrass her?
391
00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:35,200
What about me?
392
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,467
How do you think I feel
knowing a "devieration"
393
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:40,133
like that was running around
on your side of the family?
394
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:45,067
But now that I think
of that girl Les--
395
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:47,467
Liz.
Same thing, same thing.
396
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:53,033
No wonder when I kissed her
she wouldn't do more.
397
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,000
And you want me to fix her up
with poor Stretch in Heaven.
398
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,501
She ain't even
gonna go to heaven!
399
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:03,968
Archie, Veronica
and Cousin Liz
400
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:06,968
loved each other
like you and me.
401
00:19:06,968 --> 00:19:09,234
Oh, jeez...
Don't say that!
402
00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:11,834
Like you and--
Like you and me?
403
00:19:11,834 --> 00:19:13,300
Oh, Lord, help me.
404
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,667
You are so "nave"
about these things.
405
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:22,300
I mean, don't you understand
406
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:24,934
that there's a hell
of a difference, huh,
407
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:28,067
in love and...sex...
408
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:32,701
between people who have
the same and different hoo-nee?
409
00:19:32,701 --> 00:19:36,701
Oh, Archie, that part don't
have nothin' to do with it.
410
00:19:36,701 --> 00:19:41,000
That part has everything
to do with it, that part!
411
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,467
Turn around and
march yourself in there,
412
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:44,968
and you pick up your silver.
Let's go home to New York.
413
00:19:44,968 --> 00:19:47,000
No, I ain't gonna
do that, Archie.
414
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,634
You mean you're gonna
disobey your husband?
415
00:19:50,634 --> 00:19:53,367
Yeah.
416
00:19:57,467 --> 00:20:01,067
Case closed.
417
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:04,567
Well, we'll
just see about this.
418
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,534
What are you gonna do?
Archie, wait--
419
00:20:06,534 --> 00:20:08,400
Say, uh, Veronica,
hold it there a minute.
420
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,033
Now, look, I don't wanna
get into nothin' personal with you at all.
421
00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:13,467
All I wanna say to you
is that silverware over there
422
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,167
is legally the property
of my wife here.
423
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:16,501
She gave it to me,
Archie.
424
00:20:16,501 --> 00:20:18,634
Well, I don't think she knew
what she was doin',
425
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,567
and, uh, I think we can
have this whole thing
426
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:21,767
settled in a court there.
427
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:22,934
Oh, no!
428
00:20:22,934 --> 00:20:25,100
Shh. I think a judge--
a judge-- a judge
429
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,801
ought to decide who gets
that silver, huh?
430
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,133
I don't have to do that.
431
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,634
Well, if I bring it
into court you gotta do it.
432
00:20:31,634 --> 00:20:33,601
Why don't we let
a judge decide that?
433
00:20:33,601 --> 00:20:34,834
I can't do that.
434
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,567
Why can't you do that?
435
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:39,000
Because I might
lose my job.
436
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,400
What's your job got to do
with the silverware over--
437
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,300
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
438
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:46,567
Oh.
439
00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:48,467
Certainly,
440
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:50,601
because the judge wouldn't
wanna hear nothin'
441
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:52,100
about this, uh,
442
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,868
"candlestine" romance
goin' on here.
443
00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:57,667
Oh, yes, you could get
into a lot of trouble, there.
444
00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:59,667
I could get her
in a lot of trouble.
445
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:01,367
Archie,
you wouldn't do that.
446
00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:03,033
Well, she put
the idea in my head.
447
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:04,100
Why wouldn't I do that?
448
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,601
But didn't you hear her?
449
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:07,400
She said she could
lose her job.
450
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,601
Who the hell wants people
like that teachin' our kids?
451
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,901
I'm sure God don't.
God's sitting in judgment.
452
00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:12,901
Well, sure, he is,
453
00:21:12,901 --> 00:21:16,067
but he's God.
You ain't.
454
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:24,267
Archie, listen,
you wouldn't wanna be the cause
455
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,200
of somebody
losin' their job.
456
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,434
Oh, I don't know.
457
00:21:27,434 --> 00:21:30,901
Archie, she's all alone
in the world now,
458
00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:34,534
and she's got nobody
to take care of her like I have,
459
00:21:34,534 --> 00:21:37,767
and she can't help
how she feels.
460
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:39,868
And she
didn't hurt you,
461
00:21:39,868 --> 00:21:42,467
so why should you
wanna hurt her?
462
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:46,934
Archie, I can't believe
you'd do anything that mean.
463
00:21:58,133 --> 00:22:00,667
[IMITATES EDITH]
464
00:22:04,367 --> 00:22:05,701
You stay here.
465
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,834
All right, Veronica,
466
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,133
don't worry, we ain't
gonna take ya into court.
467
00:22:17,133 --> 00:22:20,667
And we ain't takin'
the tea set neither.
468
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:24,200
Couldn't you wait?
469
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:28,467
And we ain't takin'
the tea set neither.
470
00:22:30,501 --> 00:22:33,467
But I gotta tell ya
one thing.
471
00:22:33,467 --> 00:22:38,701
I can't understand
youse people at all.
472
00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:42,901
I mean, why don't youse all
just...stop that?
473
00:22:44,968 --> 00:22:46,868
You're a good-lookin' woman.
474
00:22:46,868 --> 00:22:49,567
Why don't you
go out and get yourself a good-lookin' guy there,
475
00:22:49,567 --> 00:22:52,567
and turn yourself around?
476
00:22:54,033 --> 00:22:57,501
Now, that is my advice to you,
if you don't mind.
477
00:23:00,934 --> 00:23:03,701
No, I don't mind.
478
00:23:05,067 --> 00:23:07,534
Thank you, Archie.
479
00:23:07,534 --> 00:23:10,634
Well, there, didn't you get
somethin' out of that?
480
00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:25,667
Oh, maybe I done some good
around here after all.
481
00:23:25,667 --> 00:23:28,367
I think I got her
back on her tracks.
482
00:23:29,634 --> 00:23:32,067
Eh, but you. You.
483
00:23:32,067 --> 00:23:34,434
Ruin a trip
to California that way.
484
00:23:34,434 --> 00:23:36,734
You can always say
the one dumb thing
485
00:23:36,734 --> 00:23:39,367
that forces me to make
a dumb move.
486
00:23:39,367 --> 00:23:41,734
Oh, it wasn't dumb, Archie.
487
00:23:41,734 --> 00:23:45,501
You done the right thing,
and I'm so proud of you.
488
00:23:45,501 --> 00:23:48,300
Oh, save it
for the motel, will you?
489
00:23:51,167 --> 00:23:52,567
What's this for?
490
00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:54,400
It's sugar tongs.
491
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,968
Oh, is that
what that is?
492
00:23:56,968 --> 00:23:59,234
Could-- could this
be used for ice?
493
00:23:59,234 --> 00:24:01,734
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, yeah.
494
00:24:01,734 --> 00:24:03,868
Well, she ain't
gonna miss this.
495
00:24:03,868 --> 00:24:06,467
Oh! Oh!
496
00:24:29,067 --> 00:24:31,634
ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape
497
00:24:31,634 --> 00:24:33,067
before a live audience.
498
00:24:33,117 --> 00:24:37,667
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