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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,469
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:07,772
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,809
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,311
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:17,015
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,918
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:25,089
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,329
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:35,633
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:46,845
MICHAEL:
I have a beauty.
13
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:49,881
"B-U-S-T...
14
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:53,118
A-R-D."
15
00:00:54,686 --> 00:00:56,955
That's what, ten points?
16
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:59,791
I'm on a double word score
there, that's 20 points,
17
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:02,026
I used all my letters,
50 extra for that,
18
00:01:02,028 --> 00:01:03,462
I got "WAGES" here,
that's--
19
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:06,698
Michael,
you made a mistake. That's not how you spell it.
20
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,133
"B-U-S-T-A-R-D"?
21
00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:10,335
Ha ha ha ha!
22
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:12,036
Ha ha ha ha ha!
23
00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:15,139
That's right.
No, I challenge you.
24
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:18,442
Gloria,
that is a word. "Bustard."
25
00:01:18,444 --> 00:01:22,514
Well, it's a word
if you're not a very nice person.
26
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:24,349
[SNORTS]
27
00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:26,918
Come on, Michael,
you finally made a mistake. I got you.
28
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,920
Here.
What does that say?
29
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:31,222
"Bustard. An Australian
game bird
30
00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:33,524
related to the cranes
and the plovers."
31
00:01:33,526 --> 00:01:35,994
Well, of course,
the plovers.
32
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,496
How could I forget them?
33
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,830
Caw! Caw! Caw!
34
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:40,398
What are you doing?
35
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,466
I'm doing an Australian
game bird call.
36
00:01:42,468 --> 00:01:44,135
Are you gonna
play the game? Yes.
37
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:45,336
Then go.
It's your turn.
38
00:01:45,338 --> 00:01:48,206
I know it's my turn.
39
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:50,141
[CHORTLES]
40
00:01:52,511 --> 00:01:53,945
[CHORTLES]
41
00:01:55,447 --> 00:01:56,647
Oh boy!
42
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:59,084
Oh boy!
43
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,285
Heh heh heh heh!
Michael...
44
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,821
What? My turn?
45
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,490
No, it's still my turn,
but I can't concentrate
46
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:07,158
with you making
all that noise.
47
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,794
Oh, I'm sorry,
I wasn't making noise intentionally.
48
00:02:10,996 --> 00:02:13,865
♪ Oh boy, I'm lucky ♪
49
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:16,100
♪ I'll say I'm lucky ♪
50
00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:18,269
♪ This is my lucky day ♪
51
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:20,939
♪ I got great letters-- ♪
52
00:02:22,407 --> 00:02:23,975
What? Go!
53
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,777
All right,
I'm gonna go.
54
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:28,747
Uh, "T..."
55
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,683
"I-N."
56
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,685
TIN.
57
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:38,857
TIN? You're putting down TIN?!
58
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,591
[RUDE GUFFAW]
59
00:02:40,593 --> 00:02:44,029
Yeah. Putting down TIN,
it's three points. Write it down.
60
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,229
All right,
I'll write it down, honey,
61
00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:46,731
but it's not gonna make
any difference
62
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:50,134
because I am going out
with ENGULFS.
63
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:53,571
"E-N-G-U...
64
00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:57,241
L-F-S."
65
00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,878
That's a triple-word score,
I used all my letters,
66
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:04,049
I am out with
a grand total of 385 points
67
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,652
to your measly 104.
68
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,088
Okay. So I'm stupid.
69
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,623
Honey, you're not stupid.
70
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:15,393
You just don't know
as many words as I do, that's all.
71
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:20,264
Why do we always compete
at things that you're good at?
72
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:22,333
Why can't we compete
at something I'm good at?
73
00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:24,135
Fine, fine. We can.
74
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,204
First thing tomorrow morning,
we'll get up bright and early
75
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,539
and we'll have
a bake-off.
76
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,142
That's all you think
I'm good at is baking?
77
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,944
No, honey,
it was a joke.
78
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:36,147
There are many things,
many things that you are good at.
79
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,749
No!
Many things.
80
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,684
Michael, no!
I don't feel like having fun.
81
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,019
What?!
82
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,386
What's the matter
with you?
83
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,723
Of course you beat me
at these stupid games.
84
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,791
'Cause you've had
every opportunity in the world
85
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,492
to improve your mind.
86
00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:50,795
The only opportunities
I've had are to feed your face
87
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:55,700
and clean your clothes
and satisfy your lust.
88
00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:58,970
Take it easy;
there's no problem.
89
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,939
We just won't play
games like this anymore.
90
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:04,075
Besides, it's no fun for me
to win all the time anyway.
91
00:04:05,644 --> 00:04:07,779
Thanks a bunch!
92
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,181
Gloria, the bedspread.
93
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,816
Okay.
94
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:14,585
I work to put you
through college so you can tell me
95
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,487
how stupid I am.
96
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:18,123
You are not stupid!
97
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,924
You wanna go to college?
98
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,025
You wanna
go to college?!
99
00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:22,360
Go. What's stopping you?
100
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:24,462
How about housework,
the baby, money,
101
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:26,131
...you?
Me?
102
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,999
Yeah, you.
103
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,968
I was supposed to go
to college when you finish, remember?
104
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,637
All right, so
when I get a little bit more money,
105
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:34,005
and Joey's
a little bit older...
106
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:36,241
I'll be 40 by then.
107
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:40,678
In the meantime, every game,
every conversation,
108
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,382
every argument--
you'll always be the best.
109
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:45,783
The better.
110
00:04:47,919 --> 00:04:49,553
What?
111
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,422
It's good, better, best--
112
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,658
good when there's one,
better when it's a comparative between two,
113
00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,526
and best when it refers
to three or more.
114
00:04:57,496 --> 00:04:58,730
Thank you very much.
115
00:04:58,732 --> 00:04:59,998
I stand corrected.
116
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,398
Go to hell, Michael!
Whoa!
117
00:05:03,335 --> 00:05:05,136
Did I say that right?!
118
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,370
Whoa!
119
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,973
Thanks to you,
the only change I foresee in my life
120
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,909
is menopause,
and what do you care?
121
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,076
Whoa!
122
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:13,210
You know what?
123
00:05:13,212 --> 00:05:14,846
You've ruined my life.
124
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,347
[GUFFAWS LOUDLY]
125
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,616
I have ruined
your life?!
126
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:23,287
I, who get up every morning
at 6:00 to go to work to make a living
127
00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:25,456
so that you and Joey
have a roof over your head
128
00:05:25,458 --> 00:05:27,358
and are fed and clothed?!
129
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,993
I have ruined your life?
130
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,062
Yes, ruined!
131
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,564
If I hadn't
married you,
132
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:35,433
I could've gone to college
and really been something
133
00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,268
like a doctor or a lawyer,
134
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,338
or just
a lousy professor like you.
135
00:05:43,742 --> 00:05:45,977
Lousy professor, huh?
136
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,378
You wish you could be
so lousy
137
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:48,980
with your atrocious spelling.
138
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,448
Atrocious?
139
00:05:51,450 --> 00:05:54,418
Yeah, yeah
Can you spell that?
140
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,154
Yeah!
141
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,554
Atrocious.
142
00:05:57,556 --> 00:06:00,324
M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D.
143
00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:01,693
Atrocious!
144
00:06:07,632 --> 00:06:11,535
All right, Gloria,
I don't have to listen to any of this.
145
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,538
If you have any other
little trenchant comments
146
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,340
that you wish
to pass on to me,
147
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:19,677
kindly refer them
downstairs to the couch,
148
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,813
which is where
I will be sleeping.
149
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,014
Don't think that you're
punishing me,
150
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:25,316
because I'm used
to sleeping with nothing.
151
00:06:37,996 --> 00:06:41,632
Okay, Gloria,
you just did it.
152
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:44,301
You drove me off the couch
and out the front door.
153
00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,437
That's fine with me!
154
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:48,773
Why don't you
just disappear?!
155
00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:51,609
D-I-S-A-P-E-A-R.
156
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,413
There's two P's
in that word.
157
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,847
Get out of here!
158
00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:58,349
I hate you,
Michael Stivic!
159
00:06:58,351 --> 00:06:59,817
Just disappear!
160
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:00,885
You ruined my life!
161
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:03,188
[ALARM CLOCK RINGS,
BABY BEGINS SCREAMING]
162
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,458
Aaaaaaah!
163
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,036
[DOORBELL RINGS]
164
00:07:21,172 --> 00:07:23,040
[RINGS]
165
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:25,075
ARCHIE: Oh, my God!
166
00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:27,011
[RINGS]
167
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:31,282
Why would anybody
ring a man's doorbell
168
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,683
at 2:00 a.m.
in the morning?
169
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:34,652
[RINGS]
170
00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:37,087
Aw, this is just
savageness, that's all.
171
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:40,224
Ah, jeez.
172
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,027
Archie, why don't you
put the lights on?
173
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,929
I shoulda did that, Edith,
174
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:48,465
because I just stubbed
the little toe on the left foot
175
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:50,567
on the leg of the chair, see
176
00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:52,336
And here comes the pain.
177
00:07:55,340 --> 00:07:56,740
That's too bad.
178
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:59,310
See, the painter
moved the furniture.
179
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,913
Why didn't you move it
all back where it was?
180
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:06,317
It took me 20 years to memorize
the deformities of this room.
181
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,719
[YAWNING]
182
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:10,755
MIKE: Hey, Arch, it's me.
Open the door!
183
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,090
Oh, it's Mike!
184
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:15,026
They must've run out of
food over there.
185
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:17,528
Hi, Mike.
Hi, Ma.
186
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:18,896
Hi.
Hi, Arch.
187
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,532
Here he is
in all his glory,
188
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,635
Attila the Hungry.
189
00:08:25,237 --> 00:08:28,339
Mike, what's the matter?
Nobody's sick, are they?
190
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,308
No, ma,
it's nothing like that.
191
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:31,742
I'm sorry to get you
out of bed.
192
00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:34,812
That's all right.
We was only sleepin'.
193
00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:43,154
You don't have to
explain to him
194
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,157
our what do you call 'em,
privacies there.
195
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,825
Suppose we wasn't sleepin'.
196
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:51,362
Would you give him
a rundown on all the frolics?
197
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,898
Mike, what's the matter?
198
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,868
Why ain't you in bed
sleepin'?
199
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,602
Gloria and I had a fight.
200
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:02,473
I was wondering if I could
borrow some money for a motel.
201
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:03,441
BOTH: Ah...
202
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,976
Mike, I'm sorry.
203
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,143
What happened?
204
00:09:06,145 --> 00:09:08,079
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
205
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,949
We don't wanna know
what happened there.
206
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,617
Don't tell us
what happened.
207
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:13,885
We don't wanna know.
208
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,486
Tell him we don't
give a damn what happened.
209
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,288
What happened, Mike?
210
00:09:18,857 --> 00:09:20,491
I don't know, Ma.
211
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,795
Gloria got all upset
and she said I ruined her life.
212
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:27,331
I told her the same thing
seven years ago.
213
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:28,833
All right,
forget it, Arch.
214
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,568
I'm sorry I came here
to begin with.
215
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,303
Wait a minute, Mike.
Where are you going?
216
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,505
I don't know, Ma--
out into the night.
217
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,741
Oh, no, Mike, no!
218
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:39,443
It's too cold
out there and dark.
219
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,980
Why don't you stay
here tonight?
220
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,614
Oh, no, Ma.
221
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:45,883
Where the hell's
he gonna sleep? With Teresa?
222
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,952
Oh, no.
223
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:52,223
Teresa can sleep
in our bed.
224
00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:58,429
Up against you
or up against me?
225
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,897
Oh, no!
226
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:02,967
See, Archie, you'll sleep
in Teresa's bed
227
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,335
in Mike's old room,
228
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,938
and I'll ask Teresa
to come and sleep with me
229
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,007
in our bed in our room.
230
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:12,844
And Mike'll sleep
on the cot in Teresa's room,
231
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:14,912
which used to be
Mike's old room
232
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:17,949
where you'll be sleeping
in Teresa's bed.
233
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:22,386
See, and you won't
have to sleep up against nobody. See?
234
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:24,621
If I tried to figure
that one out,
235
00:10:24,623 --> 00:10:27,358
I'd be sleeping up against
a straitjacket.
236
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,993
You'll see what I mean.
Come on.
237
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,161
Help me up.
238
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,962
You pinched a roll!
239
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,265
Come on, Mike.
240
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,433
Everything's gonna be
all right.
241
00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:38,669
Turn out the light,
will ya, Meathead?
242
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:41,105
And you're gonna
have to help me down with that cot up there.
243
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:43,207
Arch, I don't know about
sleepin' on that cot.
244
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:44,441
I got a bad back.
245
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:45,943
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
246
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:47,077
Everybody sleeps
good on that cot.
247
00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:48,445
Like who?
248
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:53,885
I remember my cousin Oscar
once fell asleep on that cot.
249
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,019
He never woke up.
250
00:11:04,395 --> 00:11:07,098
MICHAEL: Hey, Arch.
What do you want?
251
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:10,101
I don't know about
these pajamas you gave me.
252
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:13,470
Well, it was either
a pair of Edith's or a pair of mine,
253
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:16,940
and Edith's ain't got
the standard opening.
254
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,951
Nine million people
in the city of New York
255
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:30,220
and look at me--
shackin' up with you.
256
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:33,624
What are you takin'?
257
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,225
It's for blood pressures--
258
00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:38,495
what they call
an anti-Meathead pill.
259
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:40,531
Hey, Arch,
260
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,233
what did your cousin Oscar
die from, anyway?
261
00:11:43,235 --> 00:11:44,668
Oh, Oscar.
262
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:47,738
Well, he died of, uh...
263
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,506
bad feet.
264
00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:52,910
Nobody dies from bad feet.
265
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:56,814
I don't know. The man
was always complaining his feet was killin' him.
266
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:23,975
Ah.
267
00:12:26,744 --> 00:12:29,480
I can't believe
what I just seen there.
268
00:12:30,982 --> 00:12:32,149
What? I got into bed.
269
00:12:33,218 --> 00:12:36,721
Is that the way
you always get into bed?
270
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:37,855
Sure.
271
00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:40,023
You must be
the only person in the world
272
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:41,291
that gets into
a bed that way.
273
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:42,560
What's wrong with it?
274
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,462
Well, let me show you
somethin', huh?
275
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:48,165
Why does he always
get me so mad at everything?
276
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,835
Now this is the way
you get into a bed.
277
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:53,804
You go up to the bed,
you look at it, right?
278
00:12:53,806 --> 00:12:55,305
Okay.
279
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:57,708
Then the next thing you do,
you take the covers
280
00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:01,812
and you turn 'em down
in a flap like that there, see?
281
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,514
All right.
282
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,683
Then you sit down
on the edge of your bed there
283
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:09,553
like this here,
and you say a little prayer,
284
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:12,155
unless you're an atheist
and you're gonna burn in hell anyhow.
285
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,795
Then you swing your legs
into the bed,
286
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,797
you pull the flap
over like that,
287
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:24,301
and you groove yourself
down in there
288
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:27,538
and with them few
simple maneuvers,
289
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,306
you're ready to sleep.
290
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,308
That's my way.
Now what about your way?
291
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,910
My way--
292
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,011
Your way is stupid!
293
00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:36,814
I seen your way there.
294
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,618
Jeez, it ain't even human.
295
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:46,256
You slid yourself in there
like a punch card into a time clock.
296
00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:49,193
Arch, my way
is the perfect way.
297
00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,462
My way, I don't
mess up the sheets,
298
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:52,797
I don't mess up the blanket.
299
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:57,067
I am now perfectly tucked in,
snug as a bug in a rug.
300
00:13:57,069 --> 00:14:00,671
Bug. Don't you wanna
be a person?
301
00:14:04,208 --> 00:14:07,711
Your way, every time
you get into bed,
302
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:09,446
you got the cover,
you got the sheets,
303
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:10,714
the blanket--
304
00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:13,751
There's reasons for that!
305
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,953
Help me, Lord.
306
00:14:19,057 --> 00:14:21,992
Suppose there's a fire
in the middle of the night.
307
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,827
What are you gonna do, huh?
308
00:14:23,829 --> 00:14:26,163
You're locked in there.
309
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:28,866
But with a flap here...
310
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,669
Look. You throw the flap back,
you're outta bed,
311
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:36,407
and like a shot there,
you got easy regress to safety.
312
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:40,044
If that's the only reason
to have a flap,
313
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,678
I'll take my chances
on burnin' to death.
314
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,081
There's other reasons,
there's other reasons!
315
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:47,351
What about gastriasis?
316
00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:50,754
What?!
317
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:55,325
Gastriasis. Suppose you get
an attack of gastriasis
318
00:14:55,327 --> 00:14:57,128
in the middle of the night?
319
00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:04,434
Your way,
you're trapped in there,
320
00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:06,637
you can't get away from it.
321
00:15:09,907 --> 00:15:12,008
My way, with the flap...
322
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:26,690
Now get outta the bed
and turn down a flap and get into it my way!
323
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:31,195
I'll do it that way
tomorrow night, all right?
324
00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:33,797
Okay, tomorrow, and the next
night and the next night
325
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:36,367
and do it that way every night
for the rest of your life!
326
00:15:38,002 --> 00:15:39,903
Now good night.
327
00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:41,071
[GROANS]
328
00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:43,607
What a jerk.
329
00:15:44,976 --> 00:15:47,711
What a dope.
330
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:50,180
[COT CREAKS LOUDLY]
331
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:52,516
Hey, Arch?
332
00:15:54,686 --> 00:15:56,419
[CREAKS AGAIN]
333
00:15:58,489 --> 00:15:59,690
Arch.
334
00:16:01,726 --> 00:16:02,793
There's somethin'...
335
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:17,908
...wrong with this bed.
336
00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:28,185
I'm trapped.
337
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,154
I'm trapped!
338
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,489
I shoulda left a flap;
he was right.
339
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:41,231
[GRUNTS LOUDLY]
340
00:16:48,406 --> 00:16:49,773
Huh...
341
00:17:07,225 --> 00:17:08,859
[ARCHIE SNORING]
342
00:17:23,774 --> 00:17:27,711
Oh, don't get sore
about Alice Faye.
343
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,680
I only loved her
from afar.
344
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,364
[SIGHS]
345
00:18:46,257 --> 00:18:50,060
You got into bed with me
to do this here?
346
00:18:55,266 --> 00:18:57,201
It was an accident.
347
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:02,339
With little Joey,
it would be an accident.
348
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:07,544
With you,
it's a dishonorable discharge.
349
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:10,280
Arch, the cot broke,
so I got into bed.
350
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:12,149
I'm sorry; I spilled
a glass of water--
351
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,452
Oh, you spilled water
in the bed, you slob, ya?!
352
00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:17,254
Get up and get outta here
and go to a motel!
353
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:20,056
Fine! Fine!
I didn't wanna stay here to begin with.
354
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:21,891
I'll gladly
loan you the money.
355
00:19:21,893 --> 00:19:23,727
Good. The word is "lend."
356
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:29,265
The word is "loan,"
'cause I want the money back.
357
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:31,568
Arch, "loan" is a noun.
358
00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,036
You make a loan.
359
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,938
"Lend" is a verb.
You lend somebody something.
360
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,607
Come on. Talk like a regular
person, will ya there?
361
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:40,978
You're always talkin' like
you swallowed an almanac
362
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,813
and you're burpin' up
all your learnin'.
363
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:45,014
I'm a teacher;
that's what I do for a living.
364
00:19:45,016 --> 00:19:47,884
Do you have to go around
and do that all the time, huh?
365
00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:49,819
Showin' everybody
how smart you are?
366
00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,722
I don't do that.
367
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,957
Yes, you do.
368
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,192
You're always correctin'
everybody.
369
00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,094
You correct your mother-in-law,
you correct me.
370
00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:00,163
You correct your wife, my
darling little daughter Gloria.
371
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,532
Why did she leave me?
372
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:05,201
You go around correctin'
the whole world.
373
00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:07,437
Do I really do that?
374
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:09,673
Yes, you do that!
375
00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:11,141
Why the hell did you
go through college anyway?
376
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:13,343
So you could turn around
and tell the rest of us
377
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:15,312
what a bunch of dummies
we was?
378
00:20:17,515 --> 00:20:18,815
I do do that, don't I?
379
00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:22,318
You most certainly do.
380
00:20:25,123 --> 00:20:26,823
Hey, Arch...
381
00:20:26,825 --> 00:20:29,125
Ya know, that's the first time
since I've known you
382
00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:32,329
you've actually told me
something I can use.
383
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:33,830
Ah!
384
00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:35,232
Thanks, Archie.
385
00:20:41,639 --> 00:20:46,010
Guy ain't been the same ever
since he had that vas-sex-somy.
386
00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:51,915
Oh!
387
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,184
Isn't this lovely?
388
00:20:58,055 --> 00:20:59,556
Hey, Edith!
389
00:21:01,693 --> 00:21:03,460
Hey, Edith, in there!
390
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:05,195
What,
Archie?
391
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:08,265
Edith, the bed's
all wet in here.
392
00:21:12,303 --> 00:21:13,970
Oh.
393
00:21:20,144 --> 00:21:27,016
"Kalinsky, Korean, kosher,
koumiss."
394
00:21:27,018 --> 00:21:30,620
K-O-U-M-I-S-S.
395
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:34,424
"A fermented beverage
made by nomads of Central Asia
396
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:36,092
from mares' milk."
397
00:21:36,094 --> 00:21:37,861
Yechh!
398
00:21:39,263 --> 00:21:43,834
Koumiss. A fermented beverage
made by...
399
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:48,104
...nomads of Central Asia
from mares' milk.
400
00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:49,039
[DOOR OPENS]
401
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:44,060
Truce?
402
00:22:46,297 --> 00:22:47,464
Truce.
403
00:22:47,466 --> 00:22:49,566
T-R-U-C-E,
truce.
404
00:22:52,202 --> 00:22:53,570
You were right, honey.
405
00:22:53,572 --> 00:22:56,072
I am a meathead.
406
00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:59,375
Not only that,
I'm a pompous ass.
407
00:23:01,245 --> 00:23:02,378
I shouldn't
talk down to you.
408
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:03,313
I'm sorry.
409
00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:09,085
Thank you, Michael.
410
00:23:09,087 --> 00:23:13,657
And I'm sorry that I said
you ruined my life.
411
00:23:13,659 --> 00:23:16,693
You've made me very happy.
412
00:23:16,695 --> 00:23:19,596
Hey, you know what?
413
00:23:19,598 --> 00:23:23,133
If you wanna--
you wanna go to college,
414
00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:24,501
we'll find a way.
415
00:23:27,071 --> 00:23:30,740
Well, I don't know
if I have to go right away.
416
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,443
Many people who've
never been to college
417
00:23:33,445 --> 00:23:35,344
know a lot of things.
418
00:23:35,346 --> 00:23:36,412
For instance,
419
00:23:36,414 --> 00:23:40,183
just this minute,
I was thinking
420
00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:45,154
how good it would be to have
a nice, cold glass of koumiss.
421
00:23:47,825 --> 00:23:49,893
Koumiss. You know what
that is, koumiss?
422
00:23:49,895 --> 00:23:53,596
A fermented beverage
made by nomads of Central Asia
423
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:54,631
from mares' milk.
424
00:23:54,633 --> 00:23:55,765
You rat!
425
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:56,899
I heard you!
How did you...?!
426
00:23:56,901 --> 00:23:58,502
I heard it
outside the door.
427
00:23:58,504 --> 00:24:00,069
I heard you say it...
428
00:24:20,524 --> 00:24:23,259
♪
429
00:24:23,261 --> 00:24:25,862
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
430
00:24:25,864 --> 00:24:28,131
before a live audience.
431
00:24:28,181 --> 00:24:32,731
Repair and Synchronization by
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