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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,435
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:07,772
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,809
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,311
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,581
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:19,918
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:25,089
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,329
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:35,633
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:02,060
[WHISTLING]
13
00:01:07,232 --> 00:01:08,166
[GRUNTS]
14
00:01:10,235 --> 00:01:11,335
Close the door!
15
00:01:13,739 --> 00:01:16,074
Learn who goes first,
will ya?
16
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,076
You dragged us through
three cars already.
17
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,011
What're you looking for,
a room with a view?
18
00:01:21,747 --> 00:01:24,415
You gotta be careful
when you're selecting a seat
19
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,084
on the subway, Meathead.
20
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,585
You don't wanna
sit back there,
21
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:30,588
there was
a gang war going on in the third car back!
22
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,757
What--what gang war?
There were three kids
23
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,626
fighting for a strap
to hold on to.
24
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,394
If you went
back there now,
25
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:37,595
I bet you'd see
the little one
26
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:38,697
hanging
from that strap.
27
00:01:41,266 --> 00:01:43,768
And what about the flasher
in this last car, huh?
28
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,504
The guy had a broken zipper.
29
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,106
Sure.
30
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:53,177
It was all wore out
playing showtime.
31
00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:56,280
This car looks fine,
I'm sitting down.
32
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:57,949
No, no, no, don't do that,
don't do that!
33
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:01,285
Come with me, come with me.
What is the matter?
34
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:04,889
Don't you know a "prevert"
when you see one?
35
00:02:06,291 --> 00:02:08,893
What makes you think
he's a pervert?
36
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,895
Would you say
he was a pimp? No.
37
00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:12,897
Would you say
he was a mugger? No.
38
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,066
Would you say
he was a pusher? No, Daddy.
39
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,001
Then there's nothing left
but "prevert."
40
00:02:18,737 --> 00:02:21,172
Why can't he just be
a normal human being?
41
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:23,574
'Cause he's riding
the subway.
42
00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:25,209
We're riding the subway.
43
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:28,146
But we know what we are.
44
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:31,249
Maybe he thinks
you're the "prevert."
45
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,583
I'm sure he does.
46
00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:34,853
All "preverts"
think I'm a "prevert."
47
00:02:36,288 --> 00:02:38,423
What do you wanna do,
run a security check on this car?
48
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,592
Come on, come on.
Can we find a seat, please, somewhere?
49
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:43,761
There's a wino down here
slopped over four seats.
50
00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:45,763
We'll get them.
51
00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:51,102
Hey, why don't you
take the single seat
52
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,037
on the other side
of the car there?
53
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:55,306
I don't wanna, fatso.
54
00:02:58,109 --> 00:03:02,213
See, winos always call me
"fatso," they see double.
55
00:03:03,715 --> 00:03:06,885
Now, wino, if you don't
get your butt out of this seat,
56
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,053
I'm gonna lift it
outta there with my foot!
57
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:10,721
Arch, Arch,
take it easy, will ya?
58
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,391
We ain't got no seats!
There's three seats over there.
59
00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:15,226
There's no seats there.
There are three right over there.
60
00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:16,560
There's three seats
over there,
61
00:03:16,562 --> 00:03:19,397
and it's lucky for you.
Coulda took a belt at you.
62
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:22,566
I oughta belt you
for general principles. Daddy, sit down.
63
00:03:22,568 --> 00:03:26,070
Come on.
You're so mean to people,
64
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,405
calling him a wino.
65
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,573
Well, what'd you
expect me to call him?
66
00:03:29,575 --> 00:03:30,741
He is a wino.
67
00:03:30,743 --> 00:03:32,376
You're a wino, ain't you?
68
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,545
Yeah.
69
00:03:36,582 --> 00:03:38,249
Why can't you be nice?
70
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:41,519
Why does your first instinct
always have to be violence?
71
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:44,422
I'm only human, Meathead.
72
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:47,225
And to be human
is to be violent.
73
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,095
Archie, you just can't
go around belting people.
74
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,262
The man over there is sick.
75
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,597
What if he was
in a wheelchair?
76
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,665
Would you belt him
if he was in a wheelchair?
77
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,101
It's a stupid question.
78
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:59,037
If he was in a wheelchair,
who the hell wants his seat?
79
00:04:03,709 --> 00:04:06,811
Besides, it's bad luck
to sit in a wheelchair.
80
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:12,250
Where did you ever hear
it was bad luck to sit in a wheelchair?
81
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:15,519
If you don't believe me,
ask any guy in a wheelchair.
82
00:04:17,589 --> 00:04:21,726
Look, all I know
is there's no excuse for hitting people.
83
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:24,062
What do you know
about anything, huh?
84
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:27,065
You only ride the buses
there all the time.
85
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,400
I ride these subways.
Sheesh, the subway.
86
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:31,569
You know, New York
is the only city in the world
87
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:34,505
that has a Skid Row
that moves all over town.
88
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:38,076
I'm riding it
all the time,
89
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:41,579
and on my day off,
youse two have to drag me
90
00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:44,582
to see a house way
up the end of the world.
91
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,985
The Bronx is not
the end of the world.
92
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,152
Oh, jeez.
93
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:51,289
Well, it smells like
the end of something.
94
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,791
Who asked you
to come with us?
95
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,927
I had to come with youse
to keep an eye on youse.
96
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:59,263
a couple of dopes like you
might make a mistake.
97
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:00,932
What do you want
another house for, anyway?
98
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:04,702
You got
a perfectly good house, right alongside of me.
99
00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:05,937
Why would you wanna move?
100
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:12,877
See, you can't answer
that question.
101
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,213
Stay put, huh?
102
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:16,881
Now last year
about this time,
103
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:20,218
the two of you
was thinking about moving to Minnesota.
104
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,386
And then this year,
you wanna move up to the Bronx,
105
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:23,921
which is ten times worse!
106
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:25,089
What's wrong with the Bronx?
107
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,058
"What's wrong with the Bronx?"
108
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,393
Don't you know
why they call it "the Bronx"?
109
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:31,663
'Cause it ain't
fit to live in.
110
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,064
They call it the Bronx
111
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,066
because it was named after
a Scandinavian settler,
112
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,334
Jonas Bronck.
113
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,569
Well, that ain't
the way I heard it.
114
00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:42,573
I heard that "Bronx"
was an old Indian word that meant
115
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:45,175
"Hey Chief, look,
the trees is dead."
116
00:05:46,678 --> 00:05:50,081
Daddy, you just
don't like the idea of us living there
117
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,417
because you'd have to take
the subway to come see us.
118
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,585
I ain't thinking about
myself, Little Girl.
119
00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:55,920
I'm thinking about
your poor mother.
120
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,755
Every time she'd wanna
see Joey,
121
00:05:57,757 --> 00:05:59,424
have to take more than
an hour's trip
122
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,593
way up to the Bronx there
to see him on this thing here.
123
00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:04,194
Between the gropers
and the flasher,
124
00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:05,596
by the time
she'd get there,
125
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,498
she'd be
a woman of the world.
126
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,366
It doesn't make
any difference anyway,
127
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:11,201
because we can't afford
the down payment.
128
00:06:11,203 --> 00:06:12,202
That's right.
129
00:06:12,204 --> 00:06:15,039
[BRAKES GRINDING]
130
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:19,043
Hey, how come
we're not moving?
131
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:23,047
We ain't moving because
the train stopped.
132
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,149
In the tunnel,
it always does that.
133
00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,051
I wonder what's wrong.
134
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,220
I'll tell you
what's wrong, sister.
135
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,556
There's something wrong
with this whole stinking,
136
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:34,058
rotten, maggot-infested,
corrupt system,
137
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,562
which sucks the lifeblood
out of the honest sweat of oppressed workers.
138
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,898
[MUTTERING]
139
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,133
This is the third time
we've been stopped this morning.
140
00:06:43,135 --> 00:06:44,401
But you see,
that's what happens
141
00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:47,071
when the money-grubbing fascists
control the power,
142
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,874
choking off the life-blood
of the people!
143
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,620
Well, you brung that
on yourself, Little Girl.
144
00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:09,694
Don't never talk
communism in public.
145
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:12,897
What'd I say
that was communism?
146
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:15,399
You said something
was wrong, didn't you?
147
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:18,502
Oh, we're moving again.
148
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:21,005
Oh, what a dumbbell I am.
149
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:24,342
Give up my Sunday
to go all the way up there
150
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:27,778
to look at a house that youse
can't afford to buy anyhow.
151
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,447
Cute little house though,
wasn't it, honey? Yeah, yeah.
152
00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:31,949
Something
you never see, too,
153
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,617
a fireplace right
in the bedroom.
154
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:37,288
Hey, that would be cozy
on cold winter nights, huh? Yeah.
155
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:41,626
Come on, come on, come on,
don't be mouth-kissing on a moving train.
156
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:45,997
That's dangerous,
after what I paid for her teeth!
157
00:07:58,143 --> 00:08:00,377
What're you sitting
over there for?
158
00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:03,147
Get away from me, Howard.
I don't wanna sit near you, I don't wanna know you.
159
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,816
Please don't make a scene
in public.
160
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:09,487
Hey, do you mind?
What's your name? Howard?
161
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:12,323
Get the flowers
outta my face.
162
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:15,993
Come on, this is a subway car,
it ain't a hearse.
163
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:19,364
Mister, these flowers
are for my mother.
164
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,165
Oh, well,
you got my sympathies.
165
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,566
Ah, she's alive.
166
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:25,069
Give me the sympathies.
167
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,171
Will you shut up?
168
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,105
No.
169
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:34,011
[COUGHS]
170
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,680
Your husband's gassed,
ain't he?
171
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,814
Oh, you noticed.
172
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:38,048
I am not gassed.
173
00:08:38,050 --> 00:08:39,784
You're gassed!
174
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,152
(BOTH WHISPERING]
Michael. Ignore them.
175
00:08:50,529 --> 00:08:55,032
He says he ain't gassed.
I can smell it from over here.
176
00:08:55,034 --> 00:09:01,539
His breath is strong enough
to turn over a windmill on a can of Dutch Cleanser.
177
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:05,376
Where did you get
that breath of yours?
178
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,045
Oh, not where he got his.
179
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:10,214
I ate a frankfurter.
180
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,649
[BURPS]
Up in the Bronx.
181
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:20,725
'Scuse me, would you mind
moving over a little?
182
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,728
Come--oh, come on, move,
what's taking you--
183
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,062
Hey, that's my newspaper!
184
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,831
Oh, I don't know that.
185
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,167
Hey listen, remember,
186
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:31,502
when we get to
my mother's house,
187
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:32,503
don't talk.
188
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,138
She hates your voice.
189
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,674
You know what I hate
about your mother?
190
00:09:36,676 --> 00:09:37,875
Her son.
191
00:09:41,179 --> 00:09:43,848
Oh, I got it,
you're talking about me.
192
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:47,484
Well, you're her only son.
Figure it out.
193
00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:50,521
Listen, my mother
was good enough
194
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,189
to invite us
over for dinner.
195
00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:54,859
So you're gonna go,
you're gonna be nice to her,
196
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:56,026
and you're gonna eat.
197
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:57,528
Who can eat?
198
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,363
She keeps
taking her teeth out
199
00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:02,433
and rinsing them
in her seltzer.
200
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,535
You keep on talking
like that,
201
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,638
and you'll be able to do
the same thing.
202
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,908
[BOTH WHISPERING]
I don't believe this. Ignore them.
203
00:10:13,712 --> 00:10:17,382
A lot of old ladies
rinse their teeth in anything that's handy.
204
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,016
Can't we move?
205
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:20,718
What do you wanna move for?
206
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,055
This is gonna be fun here.
207
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,824
This is what you call
on your airplanes
208
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,759
your "middle of the flight"
entertainment.
209
00:10:31,162 --> 00:10:33,363
Oh, we stopped again.
210
00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:36,033
I hate it when the train
stops in the tunnel.
211
00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:39,603
It's like
a little taste of death while you're still living.
212
00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:42,673
We'll all be tasting death
as long as we are trapped
213
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,842
by the international
banking czars
214
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:47,778
and their lackeys,
the oil-rich sheikhs.
215
00:10:54,018 --> 00:10:56,687
Well, he's better
than the "hairy" Krishnas,
216
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:58,956
howling and playing
"tangerines."
217
00:11:03,695 --> 00:11:05,363
Ah, here's the conductor now.
218
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:09,433
Hey, conductor there,
this here train is stopped.
219
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:13,337
Yeah. It's like
a bad dream, ain't it?
220
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,606
Uh, how long are we
gonna be stuck here?
221
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,874
We may have
to wait a while.
222
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,409
Well, what are we
waiting for?
223
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,811
For somebody
to loan New York more money.
224
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:21,778
Oh.
225
00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:25,983
Leave that alone.
Gimme your purse!
226
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,918
What do you want it for?
Gimme your purse!
227
00:11:31,990 --> 00:11:33,324
What'd you do
with my bottle?
228
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,524
I threw it away.
229
00:11:34,526 --> 00:11:35,459
What?!
230
00:11:37,328 --> 00:11:39,263
She threw his booze away.
231
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,698
Where?
232
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:46,003
That's terrible!
233
00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:48,239
We'll get you
their address.
234
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,341
We're gonna get off
at the next stop
235
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,977
and we're going
to the first liquor store.
236
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,679
The liquor stores
are closed on Sunday.
237
00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:57,881
Your liver
could use a day off.
238
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,886
Your head could use
another shot with the flowers.
239
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,822
[BOTH WHISPERING]
I can't stand this. Ignore them!
240
00:12:06,358 --> 00:12:09,159
Can't we move?
'Cause somebody's gonna get hurt.
241
00:12:09,161 --> 00:12:10,528
Well, it ain't gonna be us.
242
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,862
Meantime, we'll have
lots of laughs
243
00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:14,165
till we change trains
at Grand Central.
244
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,366
For your mother,
you get flowers.
245
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:17,868
For me, nothing.
246
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,036
Flowers, you want?
247
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,705
Here's flowers.
248
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:25,142
Some people
are allergic, you know!
249
00:12:27,145 --> 00:12:30,147
My knight in shining armor.
250
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:32,817
Staggers home every night
and passes out on the couch.
251
00:12:32,819 --> 00:12:35,052
Can't even make it
to the bedroom.
252
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,656
Well, booze blinds
the angel of sex.
253
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,162
Maybe the couch
is a hell of a lot warmer
254
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,597
than sleeping with you!
255
00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,167
I'd say you're
hard to please, buddy.
256
00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:51,602
She ain't half bad.
257
00:12:58,509 --> 00:13:00,845
Then why don't you spend
all your nights on the couch?
258
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:03,580
You're just as useful there
are you are in bed.
259
00:13:06,684 --> 00:13:08,619
Now there's a kick
in the "groan."
260
00:13:11,189 --> 00:13:12,289
What did you say?
261
00:13:13,591 --> 00:13:16,293
She said you're
a busted balloon.
262
00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:21,531
Listen, I don't have to take
any more of this from you.
263
00:13:21,533 --> 00:13:25,469
Marcia, remember
all the days I used to say
264
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,973
that some day, some day
I'm gonna kill you? Yeah?
265
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,475
Well, today is the day!
266
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,145
I'm gonna kill you!
I've had it with you!
267
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,813
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
268
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,648
Help her!
[YELLING CONTINUES]
269
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,817
[YELLING]
270
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,886
Honey, get off him!
271
00:13:47,492 --> 00:13:49,794
Michael, what happened?!
272
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:50,827
I hit him!
273
00:13:50,829 --> 00:13:53,030
It's the first time my life
I ever hit anybody!
274
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:58,836
Oh, my God, you killed him!
275
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,771
MARCIA: You killed him!
276
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:02,306
MARCIA: You killed him!
277
00:14:10,415 --> 00:14:12,817
Howard,
speak to me! I didn't mean to--
278
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:14,585
I'm sorry!
I didn't mean it!
279
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,587
All ya done
was belt him. I didn't mean it.
280
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,924
He's not waking up!
He's dead!
281
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:21,926
Ah, he's better off dead
than being under
282
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:24,929
the oppressive yoke
of capitalistic tyranny!
283
00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:26,530
A lowly puppet,
284
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,533
his strings being manipulated
by Wall Street!
285
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,435
Well, you shut up?!
286
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,836
What did I do?
287
00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:34,738
All you done was belt him.
288
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:37,875
Wait a minute--
I think his eye twitched.
289
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,945
Elevate his head!
Nah, don't elevate his head,
290
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:43,580
he'll swallow his tongue.
Gotta elevate the feet. Feet!
291
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,716
No, elevate his head!
292
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,052
Here, wrap him up
so he won't go into shock.
293
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,454
I'll loosen his belt
so he can breathe.
294
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,489
Thank you.
295
00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:56,093
What about
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
296
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,327
Do that.
297
00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,164
I can't--
my bridgework is loose.
298
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:03,033
I know how to do that!
299
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:07,638
He don't need fumes!
Get away from him, wino!
300
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:11,542
No! You said you were
gonna loosen his belt, not lift his wallet!
301
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,243
It just fell
on the floor!
302
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,979
I was only trying
to protect it.
303
00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:16,380
Did you see that?
304
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:18,415
He's not a "prevert,"
he's a pick-pocket!
305
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:21,284
He's a "prevert"
turned pick-pocket.
306
00:15:21,286 --> 00:15:23,420
WOMAN:
Howard, please, please,
307
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,823
I'm sorry,
please come to!
308
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:27,658
Gloria, I--
Will somebody do something!?
309
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,926
Gloria, I didn't mean it!
310
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,828
All youse done was belt him!
311
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,096
Don't worry, Michael,
he'll be okay.
312
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,598
I think he needs a doctor!
313
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,867
Yeah, is there a doctor here?
314
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:40,370
We need a doctor!
Is there a doctor in this car?
315
00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:42,540
In this car there's
bound to be a bunch of 'em.
316
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,208
What do you want,
a brain surgeon?
317
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:45,643
a "rearologist" or what?
318
00:15:47,912 --> 00:15:51,214
Maybe a nurse
or a veterinarian,
319
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:52,382
a pharmacist?
320
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:56,186
A pharmacist?
Howie is a pharmacist!
321
00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:57,788
God, what did I do?
322
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,157
All ya done was belt him.
323
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,893
He's gonna be all right,
Michael, he's breathing.
324
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,895
Now maybe there's a doctor
in another car.
325
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,263
Let's go look for one.
All right.
326
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,899
Should he really leave
the scene of the crime?
327
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:12,002
I mean no offense,
but you are a murderer.
328
00:16:14,405 --> 00:16:15,572
I'm not a murderer!
329
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:17,908
All ya done was belt him.
330
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:20,845
What about
artificial respiration?
331
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:21,945
Can you do that?
332
00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:22,947
No.
333
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,215
Will you shut up?
334
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:26,917
I'll do it, I'll do it!
No!
335
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,251
You get away from him!
336
00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,087
Don't you push my husband!
337
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:33,590
Oh, she got me
in the in-grown, in the in-grown!
338
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:35,659
[YELLING]
339
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,527
I'm gonna go get a doctor!
340
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:40,064
You don't have to look
in another car! Shh!
341
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:41,699
My husband here is a doctor.
342
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,201
Shut up, Clarice!
I will not shut up!
343
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,869
Get over there
and help that man!
344
00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:48,205
Pay no attention
to this woman, she's totally insane.
345
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:49,640
I'm taking her to Bellvue.
346
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,875
Wait a sec, mister, hold on!
347
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:54,311
If you're a doctor,
you gotta help him. He's hurt!
348
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,713
How do you know he's hurt?
Are you a doctor?
349
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:59,150
You coward!
What if I were lying there?
350
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,552
You'll find out
when it happens.
351
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,588
Wait a second! You took
the Hippocratic Oath!
352
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:07,224
I also took an oath
to my insurance company.
353
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:10,894
I pay 15,000 a year
for malpractice coverage.
354
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:13,397
If I touch this guy
and something goes wrong,
355
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:16,066
I'll be emptying bed pans
at the free clinic.
356
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,234
Come on, Clarice.
357
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:18,902
Who needs you anyway?
358
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:20,237
You couldn't be
a good doctor
359
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,406
if you're down here
riding the subway.
360
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:24,241
All the good doctors
are up in the fresh air
361
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:27,377
riding around in
Lincoln "Contirentals."
362
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:30,614
If you're gonna leave,
at least tell us what to do!
363
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:31,748
All right!
364
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,650
Get him to a doctor.
365
00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:39,256
Let's hear it
for the medical profession, Little Girl.
366
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:41,458
[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES]
367
00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:44,661
Howard, Howard,
I'm so sorry.
368
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:46,663
MARCIA: I'm sorry
for everything.
369
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,099
Huh, now she's sorry.
370
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,634
False grief.
371
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,770
Look, look, he's moving!
372
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,772
He's coming to!
Oh, thank God!
373
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:57,441
Come on, honey, sit down.
See, it's all over now.
374
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,109
It's not all over,
I attacked a man!
375
00:17:59,111 --> 00:18:00,444
All ya did was belt him.
376
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:03,113
Here, take your coat.
Thanks.
377
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:05,449
Can you please sit back
and give him some air?
378
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:07,951
In a subway?
I happen to be a lawyer.
379
00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:10,287
I saw the whole thing
and I think you got a terrific law suit.
380
00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:11,788
Assault and battery
with intent to kill.
381
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:13,123
It's a lead pipe cinch.
382
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:15,625
Thank you,
but my brother Norman happens to be a lawyer.
383
00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:17,794
He'll handle this for us,
so get lost.
384
00:18:17,796 --> 00:18:19,629
Look, I saw the whole thing,
385
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:21,631
and I think you got
a terrific case.
386
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:23,967
This is a perfect example
of self-defense.
387
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:25,635
It's a lead pipe cinch.
388
00:18:25,637 --> 00:18:27,304
Get outta here, will you?
389
00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,473
No one's grateful
for help these days.
390
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:31,808
Let's hear it for
the legal profession, Little Girl.
391
00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:33,477
[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES]
392
00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:36,313
Hey, fella, you,
393
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,815
This is gonna be
the sorriest day you ever had!
394
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:42,886
HOWARD: Gonna haul you
in court and sue you for every cent you got.
395
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,922
I'm seriously injured!
396
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,258
I got blurred vision,
a low back ache,
397
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,260
and a throbbing pain
in my skull!
398
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,928
[SHOUTING]
And whiplash!
399
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,030
And an ear ache.
400
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,767
You wanna sue me,
go ahead and sue me
401
00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,769
I don't care,
I deserve it.
402
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,439
Take my money,
take my house, take everything.
403
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:05,275
Hey, right on, brother!
Give it all up!
404
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,611
The more you possess,
the more you are possessed,
405
00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:08,778
while the wretched
of the earth
406
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,581
have to scrounge
for a meager existence!
407
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,516
[ALL]
Shut up!
408
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:18,288
You can't sue us.
409
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,623
A whole carload of people
410
00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:21,625
saw you try
and strangle your wife.
411
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:23,127
That's right, that's right,
strangling.
412
00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:25,295
You know, I guess
they don't mind that up in Boston,
413
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:27,598
but this is New York.
414
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,966
And I oughta tell ya
something else.
415
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:32,969
I'm gonna pay a visit
to my attorneys
416
00:19:32,971 --> 00:19:34,638
first thing
tomorrow morning.
417
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,306
And wait'll you see
them guys.
418
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:41,077
They are seven savage Jews
that won't leave a scrap on your bones.
419
00:19:46,551 --> 00:19:48,752
You can go ahead
and try and sue,
420
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,421
but we got at least
14 witnesses here
421
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,256
who'll testify
that you were drunk,
422
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:53,924
you were
strangling your wife, you threw me up--
423
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:57,594
All right, all right!
We don't sue.
424
00:19:57,596 --> 00:19:59,496
Let's forget
the whole thing.
425
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:01,264
Forget the whole thing, huh?
426
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,601
Yeah, just sweep everything
under the carpet.
427
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,869
That solves everything,
doesn't it?
428
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,270
He said forget it.
429
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:11,007
Leave it alone.
Yeah, leave it alone.
430
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:13,109
Gloria, don't you understand?
431
00:20:13,111 --> 00:20:15,612
All my life, I believed
in non-violence.
432
00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:17,113
I've marched
in peace protests.
433
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,949
I've signed petitions
against captial punishment.
434
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,116
Now I hit a man!
435
00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:23,453
So you done good!
436
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:26,957
I can hardly wait
to tell all the gang down at Kelsey's.
437
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,959
Which, some of them guys
I have to tell you,
438
00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:31,862
to this very day
figure you for a fruit.
439
00:20:33,431 --> 00:20:35,466
Daddy, please.
440
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:38,936
Michael, you hit him
because you had to defend me.
441
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,070
Gloria,
that's not the point!
442
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,071
It wouldn't make
any difference
443
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,739
if I were defending you
or the flag
444
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,575
or Kate Smith
singing God Bless America.
445
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,109
The fact is, I hit a man!
446
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,744
To save me!
447
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,680
Michael, aren't you
overdoing it a bit?
448
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:52,282
Gloria, I put a freakshow
on for these people!
449
00:20:52,284 --> 00:20:54,084
All ya done was belt him.
450
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,252
Now, when everybody
leaves this train,
451
00:20:56,254 --> 00:20:57,921
they'll all have
a great story to tell.
452
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,590
They'll all be
sitting around at dinner,
453
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,257
telling their family
and their friends
454
00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:03,760
how this one guy
smacked another guy in the face,
455
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:05,929
how his head snapped back
and his knees buckled.
456
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:09,432
I gave 'em a Charles Bronson
and a Clint Eastwood movie rolled into one!
457
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:12,235
The only thing missing was
the hot buttered popcorn!
458
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:14,270
Michael, don't go on
about this!
459
00:21:14,272 --> 00:21:16,439
Okay, so you're
a peaceful man,
460
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,041
so you hate violence--
461
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:19,109
[SHOUTING]
Gloria!
462
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:22,779
When my fist
hit the man's face,
463
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:23,780
I--
464
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,248
I didn't hate it.
465
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,950
'Course you didn't hate it!
466
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:27,884
You're supposed
to feel good!
467
00:21:31,288 --> 00:21:33,056
I did, damn it!
468
00:21:35,126 --> 00:21:36,627
That's what scares me.
469
00:21:38,395 --> 00:21:40,396
What, are you scared
of being human?
470
00:21:40,398 --> 00:21:41,564
Huh?
471
00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:43,233
Like I told you before,
472
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:46,402
'tis human to be violent.
473
00:21:46,404 --> 00:21:49,572
Listen, I could take you
all the way back to the Bible
474
00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:51,407
to prove that to you.
475
00:21:51,409 --> 00:21:55,578
Back to the Book
of "Ecclesiasticals."
476
00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:59,582
Mark 4:2.7
or something.
477
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:02,419
Talking about the gifts
to all humanity,
478
00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:06,590
and of these is faith,
hope and charity,
479
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:10,393
and of these,
the greatest is violence.
480
00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:17,700
You don't follow that.
481
00:22:19,437 --> 00:22:22,605
Well, anyway,
I hope you learn a lesson
482
00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:24,774
from all of this
here today.
483
00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:27,444
It's a lesson
you shoulda learned long ago.
484
00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:29,379
Are you listening
to this too? Yeah!
485
00:22:30,614 --> 00:22:32,282
And it's this.
486
00:22:32,284 --> 00:22:36,953
Don't never, never
go looking for a house in the Bronx.
487
00:23:10,121 --> 00:23:12,889
♪
488
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:15,192
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
489
00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:16,893
before a live audience.
490
00:23:16,943 --> 00:23:21,493
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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