All language subtitles for (Movie) - Fourth Man Out (2015) (BRRip.XviD.AC3-iFT)

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Today's the day.

This is it.

All right guys, I wanna
talk to you about something.

This isn't easy for me,

but I'm...
I'm turning 24 today,

and I think
it's just time

I told you
the truth.

What I mean is...

okay so the thing
is that...

Hey Martha,
how are you?

Adam, I hope
you like blueberries.

Wow. Thanks.

You didn't have to do
all this.

Nonsense.
It was no trouble at all.

It's just leftovers
from church group this week.

Yeah?

It's so nice to have a good
strong man like yourself

-that enjoys my cooking.
-Thank you.

And you're still free
next Saturday, right?

Saturday?

My niece is definitely
coming this time

and I have told her
all about you.

Yeah, about that,
I am actually...

Saturday is not really
good for me.

-You must.
-Okay, but...

-you must.
-Well there's...

-you have to.
-Can i...

-you'll be thrilled to do it.
-You know that's...

it's got to happen,
I tell you.

Wait, did I catch you
at a bad time?

No, it's just,
it's Chris.

He's just,
he's picking me up.

You boys
don't get in any trouble.

Don't do anything
the good lord wouldn't do.

Okay. Thanks.
Thanks for these.

I have to see
Chris. I can't do it.

I've gotta see him.
Hi, Chris.

Hey, Martha.

You have got to bang
your neighbor, man.

It is the least
you can do.

Nah, it's not like
I'm keeping her tupperware.

Besides, she's trying
to set me up with her niece.

Dude, then bang
the frickin' niece, man.

What are you
waiting for?

I don't think
I could do that, man.

-The thing is...
-dude, I don't wanna hear your excuses.

You're too damn
nitpicky.

That's why
you're on a cold streak.

I don't care
how busted this chick is,

give her your dick
and keep the muffins coming.

Yeah.

It's gonna be
an awesome night.

-Just take the shot.
-Another miss.

-Fee-fi...
-You only get two shots dude.

-Fo-fum.
-Yes!

-What's up fuckfaces?
-Get in here, homos.

We leave for the bar
in an hour,

I want you blacked out
by then, all right?

Especially you,
birthday boy.

Yeah.

What's the rush?

That rush is that I
haven't had a Saturday off

in over a month...

Michelle,
or from work?

From both, dude.

And I am going to savor
every minute of it.

By being
hung over all day?

Yeah, of course.

How'd you like that video
we sent you?

Yeah. She was
a real screamer, man.

And then that dude like dropped
a dq blizzard on her face.

Yeah, I could never
finish those.

It was almost as bad as the one
I dropped on ortu's mom's face

last night.

-Hey, watch the eye.
-Domination.

Adam.
You wanna get gay?

What?

You want a shot?

-I'll get gay.
-I'll get gay.

Y... yeah, sure.

Birth-gay.
Birth-gay shots.

Birth-gay shots.

Boys, there are
some good-looking girls

here tonight.

Best of luck
to all of you.

Happy birthday, Adam.

-Cheers.
-To Adam.

-All right.
-So...

Holy tits.

You gotta be fucking
kidding me, dude.

You guys are so lucky you
don't have girlfriends, man.

Look at those bombs.

You just bury
your face in them

and be totally fine
with it.

Yeah, I don't think

she'd be totally fine
with it.

You don't think
they're together, do you?

I think so, man.

I don't think
they're together.

Okay, so... What I
was saying before is...

is she looking?

-No. Look I'm...
-what about now? What about now?

Vascular as hell, bro.

Never mind.

Jeez, man.

-What's going on with you?
-Nothing.

You seem weird.

No. It's...
it's just...

What?

The girl to your right
in the Fanny pack,

she's totally
eye-fucking you.

Yeah, right now.

I'll be right back, boys.

I got a cramp.

Yeah, just a quick...
quick selfie.

Is this Prada?

Yeah.
Actually it is.

It cost like $2,000.

I've never touched anything
that expensive before.

I'm sorry.

My god, you guys.
We need to dance, now.

We need to dance
right now.

We absolutely
do need to dance.

Hey, Adam. You need
to dance. Right now.

I've got a dance partner
for you, right here.

-You do?
-Hi.

Hey, Adam. This is Adam,
my dancing friend.

My god. You're hot.

-You're drunk.
-No, I'm not.

He's great in bed too.
Real giver.

How do you know?

What? You don't sleep
with your best friends?

That's selfish.

-Okay.
-Very selfish. I'm sorry.

Why don't you guys
make out right now?

Okay. We'd love to.

Should we make out right now?

We'll do it, if they
do it kinda thing.

- Ye......
- I'm waiting.

You see the thing is,
we've both been drinking.

-Yeah, we've been drinking so...
-It'd be cheap.

Cheap. Very cheap.

Cheap, if we made out.

I really have to pee.

Fuck yeah.

Hey. Did you just
take a picture of me?

I...

He was...
he was...

Snapping that guy's unibrow.

You think you're
fucking tmz or something,

taking fucking
pictures of me?

I can't tell if he's
surprised or mad.

Hey. You got beef,
we can step outside.

Fuck that,
it's cold outside.

Yeah, man.
Not all of us

wore our favorite
leather jacket to the bar.

I said,
let's step outside.

What's wrong
with you? Come on.

Don't be a pussy.

You can do this.

Dude...

Don't yell
at the little guy.

Just take a breath.

Relax your toes.

It'll come.

So you did take a picture
of my sister's chest.

You let your sister
dress like that?

That's your sister?
What's wrong with you?

Whoa!

Chris!

Chris!

Listen, I know
this isn't the right time,

but...
I wanted to say that...

fuck these chicks,
we gotta go.

Unibrow guy got crazy.
Let's get out of here.

Whoa.

-Okay.
-I'm so sorry.

-My god.
-It's okay. It's okay.

You're fine.

-I'm gonna call you, okay?
-Okay.

-All right.
-See ya.

I'm sorry.

No, don't be sorry.

I scared him away.
I mistreated his friend.

I'm a terrible friend.

Chris.

Chris.

I'm gay.

Okay, man.

No...

I like guys.

I'm gay.

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

You okay?

You all right?

Fuck man.
Yes, yeah. I'm fine.

It's...
that's not you.

It's the excessive
alcohol.

What the hell's going on?

I'm hurt, man.

Adam's gay.

I gotta take a shit.

I... i should
just head out.

-No, no, no, no.
-No, no. It's cool. I'm gonna go.

-It's okay. Let you guys soak it in.
-No, Adam. No, dude.

No... Adam.
Adam, it's fine, man.

What the hell,
is he fucking with us?

Adam can't be gay, the
dude eats steak every day.

He was eating out
Dorothy cuda in the 8th grade.

Dorothy fucking cuda.

I once saw him rebuild
the entire engine

on a '68 mustang.

Was that before
or after he ass-banged you?

Okay. Dude.
Too soon.

I forgot
I didn't drive.

So you're really...

Gay?

Yeah.

-Cool. Cool.
-Cool.

You've had sex
with women before.

You dated Courtney
for a year.

Cried when she broke up
with you.

Yeah.
But that was like,

that was like
two years ago.

I mean, who have
I been with since?

I mean, I just thought you
had really oddly high standards

in women.

I do. They just need
to be dudes.

So...

Why didn't you
tell me before?

Well, I tried to tell
you guys last night.

No man, I mean like,
way the fuck before.

I don't know.

-Your parents know?
-No. God no.

It's hard enough
telling you guys.

Believe me, I wanted
to tell you before.

I wanted to tell you
for, like, ever.

You know?

I didn't want things
to be weird between us.

Hey, nothing's
gonna change, man.

I promise.

What do we even talk
about now?

I just can't believe
you didn't know.

It was so obvious.

-You knew?
-I mean, come on.

He's a good looking guy
and he's never tried

to fuck any
of my friends.

So? That doesn't
mean anything.

My friends are hot.

You know, you should
invite him over

for a threesome.
I'm sure he'd love that.

Sure.

That's
a great idea. Yeah.

Let me call him up
right now.

No, I'm serious.

You know,
he wants you, right?

Shut up.
No, he doesn't want me.

Now, just get hard

because I have
a date tonight.

-Yeah, with who?
-Just some guy.

Why?

-Are you jealous?
-Not at all.

-Should I be?
-Okay, well just take your pants off.

And don't
touch my face,

because I feel like
I'm starting to break out.

Hey Paul.

Dude, I guarantee you a hot-ass
milf drives this thing, man.

For sure.

Actually, you know what?
90,000 miles.

I think
she used to drive it,

now, the daughter
drives it.

Yeah.
Give that a whiff man.

I'm thinking 19.
Strawberry blonde.

Volleyball player maybe.

Take a rip.
Get deep.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Hey, come on. Get back
to work here. Let's go.

Ronnie, we're checking
the fucking mirrors, man.

Let's go,
out of the car.

See, this one's broke.

I'm glad
I checked this one.

This one was
fucked up.

Think he's gonna show?

It's poker night.

He'll be here.

All right, boys.
Last card.

Man, so, Chris,
you ever call

that Fanny pack girl?

No.

What's the matter? Afraid your
fuck buddy's gonna get upset?

Me and Jess
are not buddies.

We don't even
like each other.

So what's
the problem?

I can't remember
that chick's name, dude.

I drunkenly saved it
in my phone like an idiot.

Let me see that.

I'm really good
with this stuff.

-Train.
-Train?

You saved her name
in your phone as "train."

I raise 20.

Damn it, if you didn't
get that ten on the river,

I could've sucked you dry.

Yeah.

Hey. Can I see
your phone?

Sucked it dry.

All right, boys.

Daddy's all in.

Let's see
what you got.

Stop that.

Cut it out, man.
Come on, stop.

-Stop, just...
-what?

But dude, cut it out!

I got two eights.
Okay?

I call.

Aw, damn.

Fuck this.

That's probably Tracy...

well, if it starts t-r-a,
it's you know,

probably Tracy, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I could see her
being a Tracy.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna head out.

I'll see
you guys tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah, you guys
are gonna come over

for the hockey
playoffs, right?

Yeah. Yeah,
see you then, man.

Cool.

Okay.

He definitely wants
to fuck me.

This is all your fault.

My fault?

Yeah, with
your Saint gay rom, and edm.

You're the one
who turned Adam gay.

Are you fucking serious?

You're the one who goes to all
these Taylor swift concerts.

First of all,
t-swift is a singing angel.

Mister skinny jeans
and ladies' deodorant.

I've got sensitive underarms.
It's not a secret.

Yeah, that's right. You do
take bubble baths with the...

dude, you're the one who
dragged us to see "les mis."

Fuck you, man.
"Les mis" is a classic.

-Why don't you tweet about it?
-You don't have time to tweet

'cause you're too busy
sucking Adam dry.

You were the one
eye-fucking him all night.

Okay, he was eye-fucking me.

That's not
what I saw, gaylord.

You're full of it.
I'm not a gaylord.

I own a fantasy football team
and I like "die hard."

Hey guys.
Guys, stop. Stop.

We shouldn't blame anybody.
He was obviously born gay.

No, no.
It's fine guys.

Okay? I'll take the fall
on this one.

He... I'm too good looking.

No, it's nobody's fault.

Because there's
nothing wrong with him.

He's the same guy, right?

Right?

Another play by Stafford.

Perfect getting by him.

Myers PASSES UP THE WING
TO McGinn,

turns inside, gets slammed
into the board side wall.

30 seconds left to go
on the power play down.

Great start
so far by the sabres.

Boyle to Casey.
Pushes it up the ice.

LOOKS FOR McGinn,
TAKEN AWAY BY Smith.

Goal, rangers!

And the game
is all tied up.

The rangers time
of backing it in

and the game
is all tied up.

Can someone just say
something, please?

So...

You really like
the cock?

As much as you
like strippers.

No one
can be that gay.

-Sorry.
-No, it's fine.

Just say it, please.

I know you guys
don't mean anything by it.

You guys have been saying
shit like that for years.

You sure?

Yeah.

No one
can be that gay.

Yeah.

Gay.

-Gay.
-Gay.

It's empowering.

Coming.

My god.

You guys watching
porn again?

-Holy fuck.
-Yeah, I know.

For a gay dude, he sure
can't take a goddamn picture.

Dudemingle?

"Hey cutie, can't wait
for tomorrow night"?

Think they banged?

I mean, I'd fuck this guy.

Put it away,
Adam's coming...

yeah, on bradstar's
lower back.

Good one.

-Icing.
-Aw, come on.

You... you can't blow
the whistle that quick.

So fucking gay...
No offense, Adam.

No offense for what?

Well you said something
about the gays.

And then
you apologized to Adam.

Yeah. Adam doesn't like when we
use profanity in his house, Martha.

He cannot stand that shit.
Sorry, Adam.

-No offense, Adam.
-Sorry, buddy.

I... i had no idea
he was so pious.

I'm gonna take him
to my church group sometime.

What is this?

I wouldn't try to...
the battery's dead.

I think my niece has one.

It's neat.

I can...

-yeah, I'll take that.
-Thanks Martha.

It was really great.
Appreciate it.

You all right?

Yeah, I cleaned it for you.
It's all clean now.

No, nothing. I just feel
a little faint, that's all.

I think I'm gonna
go lay down.

You know,
it's getting late.

Decent people lay down
when it's late.

Okay.

Decent,
that's what I'm doing,

'cause I'm decent.

What?

Menopause, man.

It's a bitch.

My mom slapped a kid
at Macy's once.

Hey. Sorry.

"Ghostbusters"
was on.

Totally lost track
of time.

Okay.

All right.

So, Brad...

When did you take
that profile picture?

I'm sorry.
That's not me.

It's a little dishonest.
Blah.

You know, but I felt like we
had this real connection online.

And I didn't wanna run the risk
of not getting to know you better,

'cause of something
as shallow as looks.

Right?

You're not shallow
are you?

So, how's your friend
feeling?

-Kim.
-Yeah.

She said she's never
drinking again.

-Never?
-Yeah.

Wow. So...
Friday, then?

Yeah, probably,
Thursday.

Probably Thursday.
Okay.

Actually on Thursday
it's karaoke night

at the rail.

You should come.

-I should.
-Yeah.

And bring your friend.
Adam, was it?

Yeah, it was.

Are you inviting me
on a date?

Yeah, like a...
like a group...

-A group gathering.
-It's fun.

Yeah, it will be fun.
I would love to go.

I don't think that Adam
and Kim are gonna work.

Why? 'Cause she puked
everywhere?

No.

He's gay.

-He's gay?
-Yeah.

-Are you serious?
-He's gay.

So, the two of you actually
have slept together then?

No, that was a joke.

I didn't even know
that he was gay,

until he woke me up
and told me

the next morning.

Were you
in bed together?

This is going great.

-Yeah, it's...
-i love this place.

It's cool.

-I got this.
-No, we can split it.

No, you can make
it up to me later.

Now what do you say
we get out of here

and head back
to my place?

You're gonna
love my basement.

I got it totally pimped out.
Xbox 360.

Have you ever heard huey
Lewis and the news on vinyl?

You wanna take me
to your basement?

It'd be fun.

Did you want
one of these?

It's all right,
it's ropex.

It's really great
for, you know...

It's made me feel
so uncomfortable,

like having a gay guy around
it's makes all us feel...

my god.
What is wrong with you?

What do you mean?

Your friend just came
out of the closet.

Do you have any idea
how hard that is?

Yeah. It's been
very hard.

That's what
I'm trying to tell you.

No. Not for you.
For him, you moron.

My god.

Your best friend
just told you

how his life
is gonna change forever.

And all you're
concerned about

is how it made
poker night awkward.

Well, and the hockey game.

I'm kidding. Let's...
let's change the subject.

These mojitos
are really good.

I know what
you're thinking,

a basement.
Real romantic, right?

I'm telling you,
it's totally discreet.

Not even my wife
is allowed down there.

Shit, man, that's...
that's awesome.

I would love to.
But I just...

I have to go
water my plants.

Water your plants?

How does that one go?

You tilt your head
to the side.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

Keep your eyes shut.

And then...

And then what?

So how was your date
last night?

Aw, dude.

Long story short,

Tracy thinks
I'm a giant asshole.

Man. I thought girls
liked giant assholes.

Not this one, man,
she is different.

Adam, are you good?

Are you happy?

Yeah.
I guess so.

I figured.

You seem happy.

I told you that nothing
was gonna change...

you guys are trying.

Appreciate it.

You know, things could've
been a lot worse with Tracy.

I doubt it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Was she 45,
and married?

Did she want to take you
to her basement

and make you
her sex slave?

What?

Dude, what happened
to you?

Nothing happened.

At least you have
Jess, I mean...

I just want someone.

What are you talking
about, man?

You're a good
looking guy,

I'm sure you've broken
a million guys' hearts.

Not really.

I mean, Scott lombardi,

but that was
six years ago.

-Scott lombardi?
-Yeah.

No. When you were
helping him fix his Camaro?

Yeah...
Yeah... yeah.

Wow.

Yeah,
but that was high school.

I mean, think about
how many girls

you guys have been with
since then.

Yeah.

We need
to cheer him up, guys.

He's not happy.

I don't think
he's been happy for a while.

Okay, well... I'm still
not gonna let him fuck me.

Nick. Nobody wants
to fuck you.

You're just...
now you're being a liar.

Guys, can we take
this seriously?

I mean,
do you have any idea

what a depressed gay man
is capable of?

Writing a shitty emo song.

Winning a Tony.

Yeah, true.

But loneliness sucks.

I mean, what if Nick
was lonely?

If hypothetically, Nick
was a sad, lonely person...

yeah.

'Cause he pushes people
away with his anger.

Fuck you, man. I'm... i plowed
three and half girls this last month.

It's more than you
plowed in the last...

Half?

Okay, but Adam
is a real person...

Fuck you guys,
I've got feelings.

Well, then prove it.

Instead of turning everything
into a fucking "your mom" joke.

Okay. What do you want
us to do?

Yeah, there's like...
there's like a...

the grinding kind of noise.

Yeah, it's...
it's the head gasket.

It's definitely
the head gasket.

Yeah. That's what
I thought it was.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking with
you. Just change your oil.

Hey, can i...
Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.
What's up?

What's power bottom?

Do you really
wanna know?

-Yeah.
-No, no. Fuck it. I can't.

You're just gonna make
a bunch of ass jokes.

So, you read
any good books lately?

Any literature?

Yeah.

I mean I read
an article about Kinsey.

Pretty good.

What's... what's Kinsey?
What's Kinsey?

He's a sex scientist.
Never heard of him?

No.

You want me
to send it to you?

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be...

Yeah, I wanna... Yeah I'd
really love to read that.

What don't you understand?

-You just swipe right if they're hot.
-Okay.

You swipe left
if they're busted.

All right,
and then what?

Then you send them
a message. Simple.

And there's
always grindr too.

Yeah, but that's only if you
want to try to have butt-sex

like five minutes
from now.

The fuck is grindr?

How do you know
what grindr is?

How do you know
what grindr is?

Okay, I don't... i just don't
think that apps are gonna work.

Well, you have to give it
a chance, man.

Put yourself out there.

Flirt with them,
but play hard to get.

Let them know
that you're into them,

but make sure
you don't text last.

Yeah, no, that's easy
for you guys.

I have to walk up to a guy,
and wonder like,

am I gonna
get punched in the face?

And you guys can just walk
up to any girl you want.

Yeah, but then we have
to hang out with girls.

Just once, I'd like to go out
to a nice dinner and a movie

and not have to hold in
a fart the whole time.

You fart around Michelle
all the time.

Well it took two years of farting
in a tupperware to get to that point.

So gross.

Ortu's right, man.

As a gay man, you have
the ultimate advantage.

You're a fucking dude.

It's easy
to get another guy

'cause you know exactly
what dudes like to do.

Yeah.

Yeah. Right?

Go with your instincts.

What do guys do again?

-It's a nice place.
-Yeah, yeah.

It's good.

So, your tinder profile
said that "scarface"

is your favorite movie?

Yeah. Yeah, it's one
of my favorites.

Fucking right on, bro.

I hate these queers
who think that being gay

is an excuse
to have no balls.

I'm gay, but I love
"scarface."

-Yeah.
-No.

I fucking
live it.

This was
a terrible idea.

I mean,
don't you feel it?

Everyone is
staring at us.

I don't see
anybody staring at us.

Just take a picture,
why don't ya?

It's like
she's never seen

two guys share
a meal together.

It's like,
sharing a meal.

-Tony would've hated this place.
-I'm sorry, who?

Tony, my ex-boyfriend.

So dark,
and so mysterious.

Yet, still real.

I don't even know
why we broke up.

Can't imagine why.

"Say hello
to my little friend."

You like that?
You think you're so tough?

She's looking
at me over there.

-Yeah.
-She doesn't like that one.

I... no, no, no, no. Sorry.
Nothing against you.

We're just doing "scarface."
First date over here.

You want one
of my French fries, bro?

It's just like a little
phase that I'm going through.

I do a lot of girls too.

-Yeah...
-So...

you look
like you would.

Thanks.

He had the most
fantastic cock.

Well he did.

It was this big.

I don't really know
what I'm gonna get.

I'm probably just gonna
get a beer.

Yeah, so many choices.
I think me too.

So your profile says
you're into gardening.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just something
I used to do with my mom.

I should probably know
what these are,

but I have no clue.

I definitely don't.

You know,
I always wanted to try that

but everyone says
it's for old people.

Yeah, I don't know
why everyone says that.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Yeah I mean, I'm 24, but I
don't have to wait until I retire

to get fresh
vine ripened tomatoes.

You know?

I want them now.

You wanna
get nachos?

Yeah.
I'd love some.

Two nacho platters
on a first date.

What were you thinking?

First nice guy I meet,

and I almost make him
pass out.

Fuck that arrogant
prick, man.

He's not nice.

If you can't enjoy the smell
of another man's farts,

then you don't want
to know that man.

It's not that big
of a deal.

It's just my parents,
they...

They smelled it too?

Wait, they were there?

No, my parents invited me
over to dinner tonight.

Wow.

Well, that's awesome man.

What's Karen making?
Maybe I'll stop by.

I'm gonna tell them.

What?

Well, good luck
with that.

I'm sure they're
gonna understand.

Maybe you guys
could come.

-this was tonight?
-Yeah.

No, tonight I'm doing a...

Michelle and I
have groupon.

I... i would...
Yeah, I would come over,

but, you know,
I'd probably...

just say
something stupid

and make
it way worse.

Yeah.

What about you, Chris?

My parents love you.
Maybe, you know,

like, make it easier.

-Of course, man.
-Okay.

So Adam, how are things?

Mom, I'm gay.

I'm sorry man, can I
just be your dad again?

No, I need to be ready
for anything.

And don't be afraid
to be mean, I can handle it.

That's why I have
these note cards.

Meaner, okay.

-Yeah.
-Got it.

Mom, I'm gay.

What? That's disgusting.

How could
you do this to me

after I brought you
into this world?

Anderson Cooper.

I'm a terrible mother.

... Ricky Martin.

I'm a terrible mother.

Neil Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris.

What? Are your notes just
a list of famous gay dudes?

No, I have lesbians too.

Okay. Forget the list, dude.

Just be honest.

What's the worst
that could happen?

My mom has a heart attack
and my dad freaks out

'cause I'm never gonna
give him grandkids.

Jesus, man.
You're gay.

Not sterile.

And your dad collects
antique clocks,

he'll understand.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry to keep
everybody waiting.

For your cooking, Karen,

I would wait all night
if I had to.

Chris.

I'll tell you, this
salad is incredible.

How is everything?
You still dating Jessica?

Yeah... sometimes.

Okay.

What about you, Adam? When am I
gonna see you with a nice girl?

Gee mom, I don't know.

Lindsay has a boyfriend.
Did she tell you?

No.

-Actually mom, we broke up last week.
-Good.

He's been trying
to snapchat me

nonstop since.

I hate snapchat.

If he gives you any
trouble, let me know, okay?

Adam and I will
take care of it.

Yeah.

Chris, do you think Jessica
has someone for our Adam?

You know what? You may be
on to something there, Karen.

What about
Dorothy cuda?

Didn't you two
have a thing?

Yeah. We went
to junior prom,

like six years ago.

-You two were so cute together.
-You were.

Did I tell you that I ran
into her mother

-at the grocery store the other day?
-Nope.

Yeah, and she told me
that Dorothy is back in town,

and she's single,
you know.

Great. So...

So...
Make yourself available.

It feels like forever since
you broke up with Courtney.

It's time
to move on.

Get yourself
back out there.

Yep. You're right.

And, actually, i...

I have have been.

It's true. He's actually been
going on a lot of dates lately.

Meeting some
interesting people.

Yep.

Anything serious?

No.

I don't wanna sound like one
of those crazy old mothers

that does nothing but
hound her son for grandkids.

It would just be nice
to see you with someone.

And what if I never
meet somebody?

You will. You're gonna
meet a great girl.

-Sooner than you think.
-No, I'm not.

Because...

I...

I...

Elton John.

What's rocket man have
to do with anything?

So you're going
on a double date?

Yeah. I think Adam's
excited about it.

Yes.

Aw. Hey, why didn't you
ever set me up

with any of Jess's
hot friends?

You banged two and then
never called them again.

Okay, they never called
me either so...

What-what am
I supposed to do?

One second, boys.

I'll get it.

Hey Martha.

Hello, Chris.

Just dropping
this off for Adam.

Could you see
that he gets it

before it's too late
in the eyes of god?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Thank you.

Ortu, I hope you're hungry.

Fuck. Free cake.

What the hell
is camp leviticus?

I think it's one of those
conversion camps for gay dudes.

If you wanna make
a gay dude straight,

you gotta show a little
more cleavage on that cake.

Actually, according
to an article I was reading,

the apa has no proof that a
change in sexual orientation

is even possible.

Hey man, sorry.
We kinda outed you to her.

I don't care.
She thinks we're all gay.

Wait a minute.
You have a date tonight,

and you're wearing
those pants with those shoes?

And that loose shirt?

You can't even
see your abs.

So I tell the curator,

you see the name
on the wall?

This is my gallery.

IF I WANT TO SUBMIT A 15x8,
I'm GONNA SUBMIT A 15x8.

And that shut
him up...

so fast.

I bet it did.

What do you
paint exactly?

Mostly abstract post-modern
deconstructionalism,

peppered with neoclassical
ideologies.

Wow, that's a lot.

So Jess tells me
you're a mechanic.

Yeah. Yeah,
I do mostly everything.

Small repairs,
tune-ups.

-Great mechanic.
-Thanks, man.

God, how do you do it?

You're going through life
everyday, never creating art.

I couldn't imagine.

Yeah. Yeah, I know
exactly what you mean.

You know,
I actually sketch everyday.

I just don't have
the talent that you have.

We should check out my gallery
sometime. Maybe I can inspire you.

After you have to go to
this gorditos place,

and across the street
is this fabulous boutique.

I'd take some of my other
girlfriends there,

but they don't have
the body for the place.

I said it.

-Stop.
-I just said it.

-You said it.
-There it goes.

You just said it.

I gotta take you
to taco bell sometime,

they've got
this fabulous new gordita.

Really? Wow.

-Do I have the body for it?
-You do.

-Thank you.
-You just said it.

-I said it.
-You said it.

Marc do you wanna come
outside and smoke with me?

I wanna hear all about
this boutique.

Usually I'd say no,
but two margs

and I start smoking
like a little hot tamale.

Wow.

He seems...

-Non-threatening...
-i hate him.

Okay.

Adam.
Nice to see you here.

Is this the reason
you're not texting me back?

No.

No, it's not
what it looks like.

No,
we're not dating.

-I'm sorry.
-Yeah.

Sometimes I fly off the
handle. Sorry about that.

-We're engaged.
-What?

Right, Chris?

This is Brad.

Brad, remember I was
telling you about him.

-Honey duder, this is bradstar?
-Yeah.

Bradstar,
it is a pleasure to meet you.

No, I'm not gonna
shake your hand.

I could've given
you everything,

you know that right?

You toss me aside
for nothing but a gigolo.

-Whoa, whoa...
-A pretty face.

He's not a gigolo.
He's awesome.

He's my best friend.

What's going on here?

Who the hell
are you?

Marc Peters,
Adam's date.

Yeah.

Okay, I see.

So, apparently
I'm the only guy here

who you're not fucking,
is that right?

Why didn't you tell me you're
into group stuff, silly?

-Well...
-Right?

We could go down
to my basement, all of us.

It'd be fun.

-A group thing.
-Yeah.

Think about it,
text me later, okay?

Okay.

Well, I should have
seen it before,

it's so obvious,
with your perfect hair,

and those,
"look at my crotch," jeans.

And you should
see him dance

when he gets
two margs in him.

Right?

They're not...

Fine, call it bisexual. If
it helps you sleep at night.

Okay. Okay,
this is enough.

I don't know what's
going on, Chris.

Tell Marc that you and Adam
haven't slept together.

Yeah, tell him.

Well... i guess we didn't do
a whole lot of sleeping.

No, we definitely
did not.

Well, maybe like
a little bit, like...

-naps
-like in between.

Yeah, but mostly it was
just going at it.

Marc, you have
no idea how good it is.

I mean, I hate even talking
about it over dinner.

-But...
-Yeah, don't brag.

I would die
if I couldn't create

fabulous multiple orgasms
with you every night.

That means
the world to me.

Thanks for the invite, Jess. But
I can tell when I'm not wanted.

What? Really?

My boy e-Zach is djing
at the "unsh-unsh" bar tonight

and I was gonna get going
anyway.

-It was really nice to meet you.
-Yeah.

Kiss, kiss.
Ew,ew.

Great headband.

-Ew.
-Ew, ew, ew.

-Kiss kiss.
-What kind of gay are you?

You are hating
on your own kind.

Yeah, I don't hate him
because he's gay.

No, he hates him
'cause he sucks balls.

Yeah.

You are
such an asshole.

I'm an asshole?

You're an asshole for making
us hang out with this guy.

What made you think Adam
would ever like that prick?

Well, Adam's gay.
And he's gay.

So what else
is there?

Attraction,
mutual interests...

not being a giant,
raging douchebag.

That's
on your list too?

Well, since you two
have so much in common,

why don't you
fuck him tonight?

Because we're over.

Whoa, okay, Jess.
We're kidding.

Fuck.
I'll be right back.

Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.

I'm sorry, okay?
We're kidding.

We're just
joking around.

Maybe you are.

But Adam's not.

You know, you probably
shouldn't joke around.

You're only screwing
with his head.

What are
you talking about?

Chris, I told you
this would happen.

Adam likes you.

Adam does not like me.

I know what
I'm talking about.

I'm a girl,
I notice these things.

Adam didn't
even give Marc a chance.

He barely even looked
at him

because he was too busy
staring at you all night.

No, it's because looking at Marc
makes you want to murder someone.

Okay. Okay, fine.
Don't believe me.

But when you wake up
one morning,

tied to your bed with
Adam's tongue in your ass,

don't come crying
back to me.

Hey, man.
There you are.

You wanna get gay?

What?

I got some two shots.
You want one?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

-Cheers, man.
-Cheers, dude.

God, it does not
get any easier.

No, but can we
have two more?

Boo.

You should do it.

-No.
-Yep.

-No.
-Yeah.

-No.
-You should do it, you should call her.

Abso-frickin'-lutely not.

-No, seriously. You should call her.
-Never again, man.

I don't care
how hot she is,

or how good
of blow jays she gives...

-No.
-She's a crazy bitch.

I'm not talking
about Jess,

I'm talking
about Tracy.

No, man.
I already blew that one.

If I call her now, I'm
just gonna look desperate.

Besides man,
girls like her

do not go
for guys like me.

Girls like what?

You talk about her
like she's perfect.

You don't even know her.

I know her.
I know her.

I know that she's got
enough balls

to wear a Fanny pack
to a bar.

She's cool enough
to like mojitos,

and "ghostbusters."

She's funny, smart...

Aww, man.

Now you sound
like the gay one.

Fuck you.

Okay. Just fucking
call her, dude.

Hey, Tracy.
It's...

It's Chris.

All right.

Hey Tracy,
it's Chris...

-Hey.
-Hey...

I'm not here right now,
so just leave me a message,

and I'll call you
right back.

I'm just calling...
To make sure

that you...
You didn't...

No one,
no one bother...

that everything
worked out just fine...

that even...

Just calling
to wish you a happy day.

-Anyways...
-Cute voice-mail.

It's Chris. Bye.

Here you go, dude.

Nothing cures a hangover
like a hit of doober.

Thanks.

What'd you guys do
last night anyway?

Went on a double date
with Chris.

-Gay.
-Really?

Yeah, I mean, think
about what can you not do

on a double date?

You can't
get your fuck on.

Am I right?

Did you fuck her?

You didn't fuck her.

-Did you fuck her?
-No. No.

-You dirty dog.
-Did not fuck her.

See that's
what I'm saying.

See, next time, bring her
to your house. All right?

So it's just
the two of you.

Rent a horror movie,
clean the bathroom,

put some candles out, man.
They appreciate that stuff.

-Put a tie on...
-Hello?

You know what I mean? Also get
the lube going before she...

hey, got any visine?

Why? Ryan's not
coming back?

Yeah. No, I just...
it's a customer.

I don't wanna look
unprofessional.

But then I'm telling you,
ten minutes...

-you got any gum?
-Your shorts are gonna be off.

Gum? How hot
is this girl, man?

You know what,
never mind. Forget it.

Hey...

-How's it going?
-Good. Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I think something's
wrong with my car.

It's been overheating
a lot

and sometimes it just
shuts off completely.

Yeah. Sounds like
it could be your radiator.

Let's just pop it open.

-Pop this.
-I can get it.

It's sometimes
a little tricky.

Sorry.

No. By all means.

Okay.

I'll get that.

-Thanks.
-No problem.

You know what,
it could be your DC inverter.

Really?

Yeah.

What's a DC converter?

It's an inverter.

It's this.
It's what...

Makes your car work.

Yeah,
they have arrived.

The official invites

to papa ortu's fourth
of July barbeque bash.

See you there,
and see you there.

And you better rsvp
this time.

Fuck that, you know I'm
going. Why do I need to rsvp?

'Cause my dad's
sick and tired

of running
out of ribs.

If you don't rsvp,
you don't get any ribs.

Whoa, slow down, tiger.
What's up with you?

I think I met someone.

Seriously?
Who?

Well, I don't know
his name exactly,

but we had a moment.

A moment? Like where was
this, in a truck stop?

No. How do you know so much
about gay things?

No. He... i don't
even know if he's gay.

Don't you have gaydar?

Well, kind of.

If you had gaydar, you'd know
that Nick loves the cock.

So what did this gentleman's
pants look like?

Could you see his ankles?

Was he, like, wearing
a tank top?

Were his nipples
pierced?

Yeah, what about
his underwear,

did it have a brightly
colored elastic band?

Super jacked?

He was a normal gay,
with like earth-tone colors.

Full length pants.
No nipple piercings.

I couldn't really see
his underwear,

but it was probably

and he had muscles,
but not, like, too muscley.

He was probably,
he was like a normal dude.

How did
he eat a banana?

How would you
eat a banana?

Like put the whole thing in
and pull out just the peel.

Okay, then that's
exactly... i don't know.

-He was just...
-guys, guys.

Guys, it says... It says
that people in north Korea

aren't even allowed
to eat bananas.

They don't know what...
they don't know they exist.

I did not know that. Wow.

Okay, look. All I know
is that this guy,

he was super friendly.

And at some point we like had
eye contact for two seconds.

Two seconds?
That's nothing.

That's just like being
a polite gentleman.

Like look...

See. I'm not gay.

-That's not two seconds.
-You wanna do two seconds?

-Two seconds.
-Here we go.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

I can't do it.

-He's so gay.
-Wow. Weird tickle.

See, i... so, he's gay?

He's gay.

I think
you're in luck.

He's super gay, man.

All right. Cool.
I met someone.

Are you wearing
Cologne, dude?

Yeah, it's to hide
the pot smell.

Did you smoke pot today
without me?

Are you... is this what
these bananas are for?

Who do you think
drives this car?

I don't know,
it's a hybrid, dude.

It's got a "save the whales"
bumper sticker.

Probably some
gay-ass hippy.

-Really? You think so?
-Yeah.

Adam. Triple-a
just called.

Some girl locked her keys
in the car over in hillside.

Black wrangler.
I need you to go now.

Ron, I'll do it man.

Did she sound 18
on the phone?

Why so you can get
stoned for two hours

and jerk off
in the Wendy's bathroom?

Once. Hey,
that one time.

Yeah, it's
all it takes.

Here. Better get
over there, Adam.

-I was...
-I need you right now. Let's go.

... 'Kay.

You're all set.
Thanks for coming in.

Thanks again,
thank you.

Hey. Hey.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Is there something wrong
with the car still?

No.

You just...

You forgot
your chapstick.

Did you take this
from my glove box?

No.

Okay. Yeah, I did.

But I was just...
it was an accident.

I didn't use it or anything.

I just smelled it.

Okay.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go here.

Me too.

See ya.

I smelled it?

You fucking idiot.

I smelled it?

Adam, what'd you smell, dude?

Was it that girl?
Was she here?

I bet her titties
were out today,

it's so hot out.

Did you see them?
Were they big?

Pleasant? Normal?
Medium size?

I don't know titties.

I'm gay.

-Hey.
-Hey, man.

Wash your hands
and put on a clean shirt.

What for?

Shoot, they're early.

Who's early?

Adam, why don't you put on one
of your father's shirts?

Chris, do you mind
answering the door, please?

Whatever you say, Karen.

Why do I have
to change?

Your mom invited Dorothy cuda and
her mother over for dinner tonight.

What? Why?
Why did you do that?

Relax.
Don't be nervous.

Dorothy likes you.
Her mother told me so.

Yeah, well what if
I don't like Dorothy cuda?

How could you not
like Dorothy cuda?

Well, there's
a lot of reasons why

I couldn't like Dorothy cuda.

Welcome, welcome.
Father O'Malley. Martha.

What are you
doing here?

What are you doing
out of bed, Adam?

What?

Now, I'm not here
to impose.

I know this
is a difficult time.

So enjoy your last meal
with your family.

I can give last rites
afterwards.

Last rites? Why would
you give my son last rites?

He's about to die.
Isn't he?

-What?
-No.

I'm... I'm sorry, father
but it's worse than death.

It's a matter
of eternal damnation.

Adam, what on earth
is she talking about?

I'm gay, mom.

That is not funny.

Do not joke like that
in front of father O'Malley.

I'm serious.
I'm gay. I'm gay.

I like guys.

But...
What about Dorothy cuda?

-What about Dorothy...
-she's on her way.

I don't understand why
you don't understand this.

I'm gay. I'm gay.

Like... like...

So stop forcing
Dorothy cuda on me.

Adam,

I was eating that.

Seriously? You're upset
about a frickin' sausage?

Come on.
No, dude.

The night is set.
We're going to Duffy's.

What about Adam?

We will be there
for him... at Duffy's.

Come on guys.

How many strip clubs
have we dragged Adam to?

Okay,
that's irrelevant.

How many dollars
has he shoved

down skanky Russian
breasts for you?

And how many times has he
fixed your piece of shit car?

-My car is not a piece of shit.
-It's a piece of shit.

When Adam came out,
I told him,

I promised him that
nothing was gonna change.

I think we've been pretty
fucking cool about that.

We've done a descent job,
but it's not good enough.

Things should change.

He needs this, boys.

He needs us.

So where we going?

You're serious...
you're not gonna tell me?

Okay.

All right.

Are we really gonna...

Seriously?

Remember, don't make
eye contact with anyone.

Never leave
each other's sight.

No matter what.

Wait for us.

Can we get four buds?

Actually, can you make
those vodka sodas?

We're in a gay bar.

Vodka sodas it is.

There's actually
some girls here.

We didn't come
all the way downtown

for you to be
looking at girls.

Yeah, man. You better
get at least eight dudes'

phone numbers tonight,

and they better
be fucking adorable.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

First time
in a... okay. Nice.

Act like you've
been there before, boys.

Should we dance?

No. I'm good.

Aw man, how are you going
to meet anybody

with your back
up against the bar?

Let's go.

I'll hold down. Make
sure no one roofies us.

So much
for sticking together.

Come on, baby. Bring
your "a" game.

It's weird.

-Like?
-Relax.

Feel the groove, man.

There we go.

Yeah? Okay.

-You look hot.
-All right, thanks.

You look really,
really good.

-Shake your dick, let's go.
-All right.

Show him how
it's done, man.

Show him how
it's done.

Whoa.
There you go.

Shot, please.

Wait for me, guys.

-Adam?
-Hi, what are you doing here?

-Hi.
-Are you... wait one second.

Chris.

-Hey.
-What are you doing here?

I'm here with my brother
and his boyfriend.

And they're really hitting
it off with your friend.

They sure are.

Look, the voice-mail
that I left you...

-What?
-The voice-mail I left the other night.

I'm sorry,
I don't know what...

it's fine.
Don't worry about it.

Let's just dance.

Okay.

So that's the last time I
order a hotdog in a gay bar.

So how was your guys'
fist time in a gay bar?

I was just dancing.
That is all.

Honestly, I thought
it'd be a lot gayer.

I'm kinda disappointed.

It was good.

It was really good.

It was good.
So how'd you two meet?

Actually we worked at
the same office for years.

I was already out to
everyone there, Steve wasn't.

So things developed
rather slowly.

Eight months of asking
to borrow his hole-puncher,

I thought he'd get the hint.

So there's
just one thing

that I still can't wrap
my head around...

how does a gay man let his
sister walk out in public

with a Fanny pack on?

What?

-A lot of testosterone.
-Nice.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Tracy.

I can do better,
trust me.

Wait, what did
you call me?

-Tracy.
-Who's Tracy?

Who isn't Tracy?

Okay, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Trainy, Tracy, trainy.

Just doesn't...
It's so funny.

Trainy? You think
that my name is trainy?

He's kidding.
He does... he does that.

Like calls
people "trainy."

-Hey trainy.
-He called me train for five years.

He called me trainy
tranny when I came out.

-He's a train guy.
-Yeah.

Wait,
so what is my name?

Could we have
the check?

I love this part.

Yeah, me too.

That guy's
as ugly as you.

Hey, shut up.

Tricia.
Maybe it's tricia.

Maybe.

Should I text
her that?

No, it's like 4�m.

Yeah.

You're right.
Only bad things can happen.

You get any dudes'
numbers tonight?

-No.
-What?

I was too busy dancing
with you guys.

My god.

We were totally
cockblocking you.

Yeah, it's okay.

I had
a really fun time.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

The fuck, man?

I thought you were...

Man,
I'm sorry.

-I should go.
-No man, don't go.

I'm sorry, I was...

I'm drunk.
I thought... you don't...

Chris?
What's happening?

Just give me a minute.

What's wrong with it?

Nothing's wrong with it.
Just stop talking,

-you're making it worse.
-I'm sorry.

I've just never been
with a man who...

a man who what?

I'm a little drunk.
Just...

Ahem...

Maybe if we put it
in your mouth...

No, it's not
your fucking birthday.

-Just suck on it.
-Why don't you have Adam suck it?

Jesus.

Fuck you.

Wha...

I was just joking.

-Why are you so mad?
-I'm not mad.

Wait. He didn't,
did he?

No, he didn't.

Did Adam suck
your cock?

No he didn't fucking
suck my dick.

-Jesus Christ.
-And you liked it, didn't you?

No, just stop talking
about it.

How 'bout that?

Fine.

You have one new
voice message.

First voice message.

Hey Chris, it's me.

I can't believe
that happened.

I'm so fucking sorry,
I'm an idiot.

I'm... i was drunk.

And I just...

I don't know
what I thought

but can you just
call me back, please?

Message deleted.

Hey man,
where the fuck are you?

We're playing
flag football at four.

Yeah,
I don't know, man.

Is Chris
gonna be there?

What? What's going
on with you two?

He asked me
the same thing?

Well, what'd you say?

I said, "yeah. Our undefeated
season is on the line."

Yeah. Yeah,
I'll totally...

Yeah, man.

Okay. See you then.

-I'm really glad you called.
-Yeah.

What are you doing
for the fourth of July?

'Cause you should
come over.

My wife makes the most
amazing potato salad.

And I could totally sneak
some down to you

after the fireworks.

I don't know. I think
I'm gonna go to a party.

Okay, really? 'Cause
you don't sound so sure.

Yeah, it's just...

I usually go with Chris,
my ex-fiancﾉ.

But I don't know.

I don't think
he wants me there.

Okay.
What, does he own you?

-He owns you?
-No.

Who cares
what he thinks.

I do.

So you've still got
it real bad

for this guy,
don't you?

He must really know
how to get you off good.

No, man. Why? No. Not
everything's about sex.

Okay, then what's
it about?

I miss him.

Does he know
how you feel?

'Cause you gotta
communicate.

Communication is the key
to any healthy relationship.

Really?
And how would you know?

How would I know? I've been
happily married for 17 years.

That's how I'd know.

What do you say
we go in the bathroom

and suck
each other off?

It smells really good in here.

What did you guys
have for dinner?

Is that what you came over
at 10:00 at night

to talk about?

I'm really sorry
if you're ashamed of me.

Is that
what you think?

We're ashamed of you?

I'm not ashamed of you.

I'm pissed off.

You kept a whole part
of your life from us.

How long have you known?

I don't know,
like...

-Like ten years.
-Ten years?

My god.
I should've known.

A mother should
know these things.

I didn't even know.
I just...

I just knew that
I felt different.

And I didn't know
why boobs were so cool.

You still
could've told me.

I wanted to,
but I just...

You always mentioned
girlfriends.

I thought
you were shy.

I am.

I'm gay.
And I'm shy.

Well, I don't care.

I don't care
if you're the gayest,

shyest kid
in all of America.

You're my son.
And I love you.

I love you too.

Just don't ever do that
to one of my sausages again.

Okay.

Honey, is there anything
you want to add?

I'll get the iced tea.

I... heard the ortus are
getting the good fireworks

this year.

Shipped all the way
from China.

Yeah. I don't think
I'm gonna go.

Did you forget
to rsvp?

'Cause you know you can't get
the good ribs unless you rsvp.

Yeah,
that's what I hear.

I screwed up.

I screwed up big time, dad.

Just keep being yourself.

And if you get hungry tomorrow,

you can have some of my ribs.

Okay?

Yeah.

Let's go, Chris.

Our reservation
is in less than 30 minutes.

Okay, 30 minutes is plenty of
time to get to cheesecake factory.

Adam.

Hey.

Dorothy cuda.
Wow. You look great.

-Thank you.
-How are you?

-Really good.
-Good.

Yeah. How are you?

Good. I'm good.

I'm gay now. In case my
mom didn't tell everybody.

She did.
I... i heard.

-I'm sure.
-Yeah.

Is it true,

you shoved a sausage
down your...

Yep. Yep.

-Yeah?
-I did that.

Happens to everybody.
Right?

Does it?

Do you wanna go
to the party?

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's do it.

Okay, I'll see ya.

Dude, did you really just do a
casual slow-mo walk up in here

with Dorothy cuda?

Are you straight now?

No. Definitely,
definitely still gay.

Thank god. So you're gonna put
in a good word for me, right?

She's way out
of your league, Nick.

What do you know,
you're with that idiot.

Yeah. Happy fourth
of July, dipshits.

Welcome to the ortus'.

Baby, you like my outfit?

You're so sexy.

Just like a burly
Benjamin Franklin.

Did you guys know Benjamin
Franklin died of syphilis?

Fact. He did.

Hey, well worth
the risk.

So do you guys know
where Chris is?

I texted earlier, but he's
being flaky as shit, so...

Yeah. I haven't talked
to him for a while,

but I'm sure
he's gonna show up.

What's going on
with you two guys?

Dude, it's
freakin' Jess. Okay?

She's got him by the
balls. Power of the pussy.

You have no idea
how dangerous it could be.

Have you guys
fucking read MacBeth?

Can you please
turn the radio down?

I can't even think.

Is that a prius
with two kayaks on it?

Who the fuck cares?

And a "save the whales"
bumper sticker.

What are you doing?

The cheesecake factory is on
the other side of the mall.

Do me a favor,
hand me that hockey stick.

I am not walking
all the way over there.

Chris, I am sick
of your bullshit.

Get back
in the car, limp-dick.

We're going
to be late.

Jessica, I think
we should break up.

Forever.

Sorry about this.

Maybe not.

All right.

Hey, is she looking?

No, man.

Fuck you, man.

Aw, fuck.

Hey. I'm sorry
about the other day.

-The sausage thing.
-It's okay.

Cookie?

-Go ahead, take two.
-Okay.

Today we're all
on the same side.

-Whose, god's?
-No.

Don't be silly.
America's.

Do you think your gay lovers
would want some cookies?

What did you call us?

Is that
chocolate chip?

Oatmeal raisin.

The vegetable
of cookies.

-Here you go, man.
-Thank you very much.

Attention.
Attention everyone.

I've got
an announcement.

Are the ribs ready?

No father O'Malley,
they're not ready yet.

I promise you won't
miss out this year. Okay?

If we could just get the
music turned down a little bit,

I just want
to say something.

Guys?

You guys know
what that means, right?

What's up, Chris?

-Hey.
-Hey beautiful.

How are you?

What am I fucking
wood here?

Hey, man.
You came.

Yeah, well,
I rsvp'd, so...

Where's Jess?

We broke up.

What does that mean? You're
not gonna fuck her anymore?

I don't think I could
fuck her if I wanted to.

That's awesome, man. You
can do way better than Jess.

What's that supposed
to mean?

You guys weren't right
for each other.

You didn't
even like her.

How do you know how I feel?
You don't know shit.

Don't talk to me like that.
You said you hated her.

You told me you were straight
our whole fucking lives

and then you tried
to make out with me.

What? When did that happen?

No, I thought you were
trying to kiss me...

-man, fucking get over it.
-Get over it?

I was sad and desperate, I
would've tried it with anybody.

I'm not anybody, dude.
I'm your best fucking friend.

-Hey. Hey. Hey.
-I'm so sorry

-that my being gay inconvenienced you.
-Hey, guys...

why didn't you tell me
you were gay

20 fucking years ago?

I was three.

Jesus, come on.

The ribs are ready.

Dad, terrible timing, okay.
I'm sorry.

Look, guys. Cheer the fuck
up. It's fourth of July.

We're here gathered today to
celebrate our country's independence.

Red, white and blue.

Ribs, beer, friends,
family, whatever.

But the most important
thing to me right now is that

I don't wanna be
independent anymore.

Michelle Valentino,
can we stop fucking around,

and make me the luckiest
man that ever lived?

Will you marry me?

-Yes.
-Good answer.

Do I know what I'm doing?
I don't know.

You're gonna be
an ortu.

Congratulations.

Dad, please put
the ribs down.

Holy shit.

Did that just happen?

Yeah.

Jesus, man. How long have
we not been hanging out?

I don't know, man.
A really fucking long time.

Hey. Happy fourth of July.

What are you
doing here?

Adam invited me
actually.

Surprise.

Sorry, I don't think you
guys have been introduced.

Chris. This is Rachel.

Rachel. This is Chris.

It's nice to meet you, Rachel.

We're getting married!

Are you gonna be okay?

That must have come
as quite a shock to you.

You two looked
so happy together.

Seriously.

This is gonna
change everything.

Hey guys.
What's going on?

Did we miss anything?

Don't worry, Karen.

The party's
just getting started.

May I have
this dance, mom?

-What do you say, Rachel?
-What just 'cause you know my name now,

you think I'm gonna
dance with you?

Well, it is dance party.

Okay, we'll see
what you got.

Hey, Nick.
Do you wanna dance?

Yes.

So, Adam. When are we
gonna see you with a nice boy?

I don't know, mom.

I can't believe we burned
through $800 worth of fireworks

in 12 minutes.

It's money well spent.

Yeah.

Man, I'm really sorry

about everything.

No, you don't have to
be sorry, man. I'm sorry.

No, you guys have been really
cool about this whole time.

Adam.

I was stupid and I
didn't even mean to.

I shouldn't have acted like

it was such a big deal.

I was lonely, and if
I could take it back,

-I would. But I can't
-it wasn't a big deal.

-It was my fault...
-so, can we just forget that...

how did that feel?

Honestly?

Like kissing my brother.

-You sure?
-Yeah.

-Dude, it's okay.
-No, I'm...

listen, I'm sure.

Are we good?

Yeah, man.
We're good.

Good.

Told you he wanted
to fuck me most.

You never listen, Chris.

I guess I never met
a real life gay dude before.

I went to high school with a couple
of guys that used to make out,

but that was
just for weed.

And then one time
at a party,

they gave
each other handys.

That was just for...

Actually, those two guys
might have been gay.

-Yeah, I think they were gay.
-Yeah.

Hey, Ronnie.
I got it.

-Eat your sandwich.
-See that?

-Hey.
-Hey.

Do you remember me?
I came in about a month ago.

Yeah. Definitely
remember you.

Is everything
all right?

Yeah. Everything's great.

Actually until somebody
smacked this off my car.

No way.
Seriously?

Who would do that?

I have no idea.

I mean, you don't
need it to drive, but...

If you want,
I can put it back on.

It just quiets the exhaust.

It would take
a couple minutes.

Yeah.
That'd be great.

Yeah? Okay.

I'm Adam,
by the way.

Matt.

Matt. Cool.

Very cool.

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