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You're killing me! I'm being murdered!I can't stand this torture anymore!
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I'm dying! You're killing me!
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I'm telling you, J.L.,
you're typecasting me to death.
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Comedy, always comedy.
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Honest, J.L.,
you just got to give me a dramatic part.
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- Well, l...
- I knew you'd see it my way, J.L.
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It just so happens that I have with me
the very script we've been looking for.
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- Yes, but l...
- Let's see now, where to begin?
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Oh, yes, Page 1.
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"Chapter 1. Once upon a time..."
Great opening, huh?
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"Once upon a time in merry old England,
there lived a daring young highwayman...
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"known as the Scarlet Pumpernickel.
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"The Lord High Chamberlain's men...
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"could never catchthis handsome young desperado...
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"for he was slippery as an eeland smart as a fox.
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"The Lord High Chamberlainwas simply furious. "
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I'm simply furious.
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"But Milady Melissawas simply delighted. "
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I'm simply delighted.
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Keep away from that masked desperado...
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That masked stinker.
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"One day, the Lord High Chamberlaingot an idea.
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"He would marry Melissato the Grand Duke.
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"That would bringthe Scarlet Pumpernickel to town. "
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Quick. A messenger.
Take a letter to the Grand Duke.
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First, I am happy,
for I am to marry the fair Melissa.
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Then, I am furious because I despise...
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the Scarlet Pumpernickel.
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"Meanwhile, high in a tower room,the fair Melissa awaited her fate. "
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Scarlet, now we'll never be married.
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"As the wedding day approached,the Lord High Chamberlain's men...
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"eagerly awaited the comingof the Scarlet Pumpernickel.
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"About this time, at an inn near town...
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"a weary young travelerhas just alighted from the Dover coach. "
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How's your cuisine and your good wife,
my foul churl of a pheasant?
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A peasant.
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Mister Nobleman,
you honor my humble lodgings.
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Yes, they are humble, aren't they?
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My room, bumpkin, I'm pooped.
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Then what happened?
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Then, Page 192.
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"That night, Milord Chamberlain
receives a noble visitor."
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Milady the fair Melissa
is indisposed, milord?
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No, Your Grace, but she wishes
to see no one until after the wedding.
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"Vanity, thy name is woman."
To coin a phrase.
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The wedding
must take place tonight, milord.
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The Scarlet Pumpernickel is about,
masquerading as a gentleman.
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And who might you be, sirrah?
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Mayhap, perchance, foppish that I am...
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I might be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
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You, the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
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That's silly!
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That's ridiculous!
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I shall have Melissa make ready, milord.
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The wedding will take place right away.
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This looks like a job
for the Scarlet Pumpernickel.
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That's funny.
That never happens to Errol Flynn.
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Hush, Melissa. Don't be a little fool.
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I'll have to check with Errol.
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Scarlet! Help! Scarlet, save me!
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What's to save?
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- Yeah, then what happened?
- Then...
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Page 1,666.
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"Back at the inn..."
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Parting is such sweet stuff.
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But you will be safe here, my beloved.
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Here's a wrinkle Errol never thought of.
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I must refresh myself
before continuing with the chase.
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Innkeeper?
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Trifle with me, will you, milady?
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Keep away from me! You won't touch me.
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Coming, Melissa!
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Scarlet Pumpernickel. En garde.
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- Riposte.
- Café au lait.
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Champs Élysées!
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You ain't got a chance.
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I'm the hero of this picture,
and you know what happens to the villain.
78
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So what's to know?
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Yeah, then what happened?
80
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The storm broke in all its fury.
81
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And then the dam broke!
82
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Yeah, then what happened?
83
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The cavalry rode to the rescue!But they were a little too late.
84
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Then what?
85
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The volcano erupted and dropped lavaover everything in sight!
86
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Yeah, then what happened?
87
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The price of foodstuffs skyrocketed!
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Is that all?
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Is that all?
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There was nothing
for the Scarlet Pumpernickel to do...
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but blow his brains out.
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Which he did.
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It's getting so you have to kill
yourself to sell a story around here.
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English
7508
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