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All my life, I felt like I was
just going through the motions.
2
00:00:03,425 --> 00:00:05,604
Walking left, walking right.
3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:08,740
As if I were a background
character in my own life.
4
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,542
And then I saw her.
5
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:13,278
We locked eyes. And that was it.
6
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:17,616
I loved her instantly.
We've been together ever since.
7
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:20,619
They don't usually let us talk.
8
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,788
I shot my first husband!
9
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,224
♪♪
10
00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:28,493
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
11
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:32,230
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
12
00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:35,433
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
13
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:40,005
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
14
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:45,110
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
15
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:47,846
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
16
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:48,947
Aah!
17
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:53,518
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
18
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,256
♪♪
19
00:00:58,811 --> 00:01:00,192
Wow!
20
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,660
"Wow" is right!
21
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,261
We couldn't sleep either!
22
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:06,665
Tomorrow is the big day!
It's all come down to this!
23
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,000
The overnight class trip!
24
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:12,671
To the most romantic city
in the world... Philadelphia.
25
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,939
Two nights. No parents.
26
00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:18,143
You're going to literally fall
in love in the City of Love!
27
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:20,278
Well, it's the City of Brotherly Love.
28
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,482
And, brother, you're gonna fall in love!
29
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:25,150
[ALL CHEER]
30
00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:28,753
Steve, tell us again about Milk Girl.
31
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,223
- Again?!
- Give us the goss, boss!
32
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:34,226
Well, as you all know,
she's a tenth grader.
33
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:36,028
Oooo!
34
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:39,631
She sits in the front row
of my AP Philadelphia class,
35
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:42,300
puts her backpack on the
left side of her chair,
36
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,435
and she drinks
37
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,770
- a [BLEEP] ton of milk.
- No cap.
38
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,573
I've been in love with
her from afar all year,
39
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,376
and this is the trip
where I turn afar...
40
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:54,579
into... a-close.
41
00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,815
[BOTH CHEERING]
42
00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:00,985
- Is that her?
- No.
43
00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:03,055
- Is that her?!
- Guys, I promise,
44
00:02:03,057 --> 00:02:05,057
when you see her, you will know.
45
00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,124
Eee!
46
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,727
Francine, please, try to be cool.
47
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,262
[SQUEALS]
48
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:14,199
Guess who just transferred
into AP Philadelphia!
49
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,668
I heard you guys were
going to the US Mint,
50
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,671
and I've always been super curious
51
00:02:18,673 --> 00:02:20,338
about what money looks like!
52
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:23,141
I figured we could sit
together on the bus
53
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:26,545
and you can catch me up on
other Philadelphia stuff,
54
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,414
like how a cream cheese became a city.
55
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,615
- He can't!
- He can't!
56
00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:32,417
Would that I could, pal.
See this cooler?
57
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:33,752
Full of milk.
58
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,421
I'm talking skim, whole,
almond, unpasteurized,
59
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:39,291
milk of magnesia,
should the unpasteurized be a problem.
60
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:42,294
So the plan is,
I sit next to her on the bus,
61
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:46,231
dazzle her with the milk buffet,
just lay a solid foundation.
62
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:49,167
By the time we get to the
Rocky Statue part of the trip,
63
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,169
we'll be practically engaged.
64
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,772
O-M-G, O-M-G, O-M-G!
That's gotta be her!
65
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,707
FRANCINE: She's here! O-M-G! Don't look!
66
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,175
She's perfect just like you said
67
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,445
There is just something
so sweet about her.
68
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:02,647
And even though I don't
know her name yet,
69
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,649
I know we are destined to be together.
70
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,985
Listen up! I only teach this class
71
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:10,155
for the free trip to Filthydelphia.
72
00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:13,792
I look forward to it all year.
73
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,295
I'm counting on you kids to be cool.
74
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,197
Woo! That's strong!
75
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,733
This is my boy Marty.
76
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:23,135
Normally, I'd have some
teachers or parents chaperone,
77
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:26,204
but lucky for you, Marty is in town
78
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,807
and he's looking to get out of town.
79
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,008
[DING!]
80
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,676
And now attendance.
81
00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:34,813
I... I see, uh, Milk Girl.
82
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,482
There's, uh, Milk Girl's Little Friend.
83
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,084
And, uh, yeah.
84
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:42,621
Y-Y-Y-You know what?
It... It looks like you're all here.
85
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,423
If you're here, just get on the bus!
86
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,159
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
87
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,628
[SLURPING]
88
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,631
'Scuse me! 'Scuse.
89
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,800
Sorry! Coming through!
90
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:58,837
Um, what do you think you're doing?
I'm sitting here.
91
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,038
STEVE: AHHH!
92
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,840
Unh! Aaah!
93
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,842
Don't freak out. It's vintage.
94
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,044
This fox has been dead
for like 70 years.
95
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,912
I wear it to remind me of my grandma.
96
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:11,115
She was a stone-cold fox.
Still is actually.
97
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:13,518
And what a bitch. I really admire her.
98
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,919
I can't believe it!
99
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,388
That my grandma is my best friend?
100
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,589
What? No.
101
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,325
I was supposed to be sitting
next to a girl up there.
102
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:21,994
I had the perfect plan.
103
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:25,197
We were gonna fall in love on this bus.
104
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,199
Well, your "perfect plan"
had a fatal flaw...
105
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:28,600
love doesn't exist.
106
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:29,868
Anyway, hi. I'm Ali.
107
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,203
Well, I'm Steve.
108
00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:33,538
And that's insane.
Of course love exists.
109
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:34,606
No, it doesn't.
110
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,875
It does, and it conquers all.
111
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,478
Me and that girl up
there are soul mates.
112
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,679
Which girl?
113
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:41,814
The girl drinking milk.
114
00:04:41,816 --> 00:04:43,281
What's her name?
115
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,950
"What's in a name?" Shakespeare.
116
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,285
So you don't even know her name.
117
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,421
You're distracting me.
I have to do something!
118
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:51,956
- Something embarrassing?
- I'm writing a note
119
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,226
asking her out on a date
once we get to Philly.
120
00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:56,961
Smart move... weird and embarrassing.
121
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,963
Pass this up to Milk Girl.
122
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,965
I can't believe I get to watch this.
123
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,034
Believe it, honey.
124
00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:03,836
That's a ghost pepper.
125
00:05:03,838 --> 00:05:07,572
AAAAHHHH!
126
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,442
Help! Somebody help me!
127
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,443
[INHALER HISSES]
128
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,378
[GASPING]
129
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,113
[RETCHING]
130
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,981
[STEVE RETCHING]
131
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,651
Hi, Steve! How's it going back there?
132
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,854
I need a drink! Please! AAAHHH!
133
00:05:21,856 --> 00:05:23,655
Heh! Nice try, kid!
134
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,790
You're an amazing chaperone.
135
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:27,326
[PANTING]
136
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,462
Ugh! Ahh...
137
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,132
Hunh!
138
00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:41,606
Well, my life is over.
139
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,475
So, she got your note.
140
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,477
She says... yes.
141
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:48,914
♪ Love conquers all! ♪
142
00:05:50,398 --> 00:05:53,118
We actually never met Milk Girl,
143
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,520
but we've adjusted our
wills to include her.
144
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,457
PRODUCER: Oh, we were hoping you
could tell us how you two met.
145
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:01,260
Us? He picked me up
on the side of the road.
146
00:06:01,262 --> 00:06:03,795
Anyway, back to Milk Girl.
147
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,396
She's a tenth grader...
148
00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:07,466
BOTH: Drinks a [BLEEP] ton of milk.
149
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,138
ROGER: ♪ Bada BA ♪
150
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,274
♪ Bada BA ♪
151
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,476
♪ Bada BA ♪
152
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,678
♪ Bada BA ♪
153
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,012
God, I love Philly!
154
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,548
Philly is the Paris of America.
155
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,084
Yo! Wha kinda steak dja'get?
156
00:06:25,086 --> 00:06:26,818
Wiz wit plus peetzer?
157
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,753
Mm. Ye lookit dem jawns.
158
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:32,624
ROGER: Mm, the food,
the language, just gorgeous.
159
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:35,827
I can't believe people
wonder why I do this.
160
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,297
♪ Bada BA ♪
161
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,365
♪ Bada BA ♪
162
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,901
♪ Bada BA... ♪
163
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,503
Thanks for meeting me.
164
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,572
The janitor told me this spot
had the most romantic view
165
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,975
of the Holiday Inn across the street.
166
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:53,512
Got milk? Heh. Why, yes, I have.
167
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:57,382
So, I've been watching you,
not in a creepy way,
168
00:06:57,384 --> 00:07:02,187
and I know I don't "know" you,
but I feel like I do,
169
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:05,590
and I hope you won't mind me
saying so, but...
170
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,728
- I love you.
- Oh, my God, Steve. Of course you do.
171
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:13,332
And you do know me. And you do love me.
172
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:14,733
Because...
173
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,802
I'm Reese Witherspoon.
174
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,003
What?
175
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,671
This is so great!
176
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,072
- It is?
- Yes!
177
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,208
I had to go undercover
as a high-school student
178
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:26,411
to prove to the studio I could
still play a 17-year-old.
179
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,480
They said if a boy asks me on a date
180
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:31,883
and says he's in love with me,
they would make the movie!
181
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,685
So thank you, Steve.
182
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:37,022
You single-handedly greenlit
"Election 2: Omaha Drift."
183
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,358
Wait. Do you even like milk?
184
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:40,759
I hate milk.
185
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,795
I'm just a really good actress.
186
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,265
Oh, my God!
187
00:07:46,848 --> 00:07:48,034
_
188
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:52,037
REESE: I also do my own stuuunts!
189
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,474
How did I meet babe?
190
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:58,711
Well, actually it's a great story.
191
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,880
How did we meet, babe?
192
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:04,282
You don't remember how we met?!
193
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,518
Okay. Here's how we met.
194
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,056
Did we meet at a Braves Game?
195
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,493
Who are these people?
196
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,162
[HORN HONKS]
197
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:20,765
And then Reese Witherspoon
just jumped off the roof.
198
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,168
This is crazy!
199
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,103
Have you seen these?!
200
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,638
What even are these?
201
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,174
You grab one, you get like 30.
202
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,311
Philadelphia is full of wonders.
203
00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:34,312
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
204
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,715
Oh, my God. My parents keep calling me.
205
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,116
What am I gonna tell them?
206
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,185
I went to Philly and
didn't fall in love?
207
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:44,656
I think that girl in the fur
coat threw something at you.
208
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,591
[GIGGLING]
209
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:49,661
Hey! You! What are you throwing?!
210
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,064
- Eggs.
- There's eggs?!
211
00:08:52,066 --> 00:08:55,267
Okay. This I gotta see.
212
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,135
Sorry. I was just, like,
213
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,204
trying to hit you in the
face with all those eggs.
214
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,739
That's not an apology.
215
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,074
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Everyone shut up!
216
00:09:02,076 --> 00:09:04,677
Marty is missing! So is the bus.
217
00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:07,345
Here is a napkin with some
places I think we were at.
218
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:10,148
Pass it around, take a photo,
commit it to memory,
219
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,816
w-whatever you have to do.
220
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:15,220
Here's the plan... buddy system.
That's all I got.
221
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,621
Whoever you are standing next to
222
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:18,357
is your partner for
the rest of the trip.
223
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,895
Do not separate. Do not lose each other.
224
00:09:22,897 --> 00:09:25,363
I'm still rolling my face off.
225
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,965
It goes without saying that everything
226
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,500
we were supposed to do is cancelled.
227
00:09:28,502 --> 00:09:30,903
I don't want to hear that you
guys were at the Liberty Bell
228
00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:32,971
or Betsy Ross' house or some shit.
229
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:36,241
You have one objective...
find my friend!
230
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,310
Whoever finds Marty gets an "A,"
231
00:09:38,312 --> 00:09:41,113
and whoever doesn't find him gets an
"F"!
232
00:09:41,115 --> 00:09:43,882
Move, move, move, move, move!
233
00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:46,385
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
234
00:09:46,387 --> 00:09:48,787
I don't even know
where Reese Witherspoon
235
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,322
was hiding the parachute.
236
00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:53,458
So you're, like, dramatic, huh?
237
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,527
- That's your thing?
- That's your takeaway?
238
00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:57,796
Don't you think my story's insane?!
239
00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:00,064
I once saw Gwyneth
Paltrow sunbathing naked
240
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,800
on top of a moving car.
241
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,335
Actresses are cool.
242
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:05,003
Can I tell you what your problem is?
243
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,538
That'd be perfect. Why don't you?
244
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:09,274
You have high expectations
and you think things matter.
245
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,809
But nothing matters.
246
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:13,545
"Nothing matters."
Will you listen to yourself?
247
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:17,082
If we don't find Lewis' friend,
we'll get F's in the class.
248
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,817
That doesn't matter to you?
249
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,218
Now you're getting it.
250
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,754
- [SQUISHING]
- Oh, no! Gum!
251
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:25,757
There's gum on me! Who would do this?!
252
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:30,162
This is what I mean when
I say you're dramatic.
253
00:10:30,164 --> 00:10:31,563
I really thought I was in love,
254
00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:34,099
but she was never even an option.
255
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:36,568
Are you right? Is love not real?
256
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:39,972
It's good you found out now.
Some people never learn.
257
00:10:39,974 --> 00:10:42,106
Oh, man.
258
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:43,575
How are we gonna find Marty?
259
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,445
I'm a heartbroken child
in a strange land!
260
00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:48,713
Calm down, Dame Judi Dench.
261
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:51,450
My family moved to Langley last year,
but I'm from Philly.
262
00:10:51,452 --> 00:10:55,253
This is my town. Hand me that napkin.
263
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:58,323
Oh, cool.
My dad's favorite strip club is on here.
264
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,292
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
265
00:11:01,195 --> 00:11:04,062
- Hi. Hello.
- Yao. What can I get you?
266
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:06,331
Um, I'm hoping you could help me.
267
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,333
Ye, ye, aright. Wit or wit-out?
268
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:11,736
I, uh... I'm sorry.
I don't speak the language.
269
00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:16,208
I'm looking for a large drunk gentleman!
270
00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:18,877
Okay. Ye need to get yaself
sorted and stop yellin' at me.
271
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,279
I'm so sorry. It's just that...
272
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:25,617
I don't have a chaperone
or a partner or a bus.
273
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:28,553
[SNIFFLES] And I don't know anything!
274
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,356
And I'm all alone! [SOBBING]
275
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,425
Oh, oh. Don't cry, dude. I'll help ya.
276
00:11:33,427 --> 00:11:35,627
Lou! I'm taking the rest of the day off!
277
00:11:35,629 --> 00:11:39,297
Anne Marie, I swear to Christ if
you do this again you're fired!
278
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:40,965
What did you say ta me?
279
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,100
[GRUNTING]
280
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,502
♪ Ahh ♪
281
00:11:43,504 --> 00:11:45,370
[GRUNTING]
282
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,040
♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪
283
00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:51,844
[LOU GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]
284
00:11:51,846 --> 00:11:55,714
♪ But I think I could love her ♪
285
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,449
[NEEDLE BUZZING]
286
00:11:57,451 --> 00:12:00,585
He's used the same needle
for the last five people.
287
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,654
It's fine. We're sisters.
288
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,589
So, the guy you're lookin' for
289
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,658
got his belly button
pierced around 2:00 a.m.
290
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:08,993
And then he drank a
bunch of ink and ran out.
291
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:10,328
Cool.
292
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,663
[NEEDLE BUZZING]
293
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,866
Does your chest tattoo say
"[BLEEP] Dallas"?
294
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:17,102
Yeah. Cowboys can suck my [BLEEP].
295
00:12:17,804 --> 00:12:19,337
[CLANG]
296
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,672
So, when are we gonna
297
00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:22,807
start looking for my principal's friend?
298
00:12:22,809 --> 00:12:24,877
Yo, snot,
whaddaya think happens when you die?
299
00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:27,479
- I don't know.
- Well, I do.
300
00:12:27,481 --> 00:12:29,147
My uncle Jimmy fell off the 700 level
301
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,616
at the old Veterans Stadium
trying to reach a foul ball.
302
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:34,219
He was legally dead for four minutes.
303
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:35,688
- [CLANG]
- You know he got that ball, though.
304
00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:38,490
Anyways,
he says what happens when you die
305
00:12:38,492 --> 00:12:40,425
is you sit in a room waiting for God
306
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,961
to tell you if you were a
big enough Phillies fan.
307
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:45,898
Ohh. I didn't know that.
308
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:48,166
I feel like I could tell you anything,
Snotter.
309
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,702
I'm really glad you're my boyfriend.
310
00:12:49,704 --> 00:12:52,170
- I am?!
- Uh, you bet your tits you are.
311
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,206
[GASPS]
312
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,242
[SIREN WAILING]
313
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,311
We've been almost everywhere on the list
314
00:12:59,313 --> 00:13:01,113
and have no useful information.
315
00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:02,447
Here's what we do know...
316
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,116
you're obsessed with the little napkin.
317
00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:05,718
I am not obsessed with the napkin.
318
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,588
You're in a strip club,
and you haven't taken your eyes off it.
319
00:13:09,590 --> 00:13:12,124
These women are off-duty.
They deserve their privacy.
320
00:13:12,126 --> 00:13:14,859
So, they were here around midnight,
but got kicked out pretty fast.
321
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:16,729
I guess they kept
trying to pay for drinks
322
00:13:16,731 --> 00:13:18,130
with a fake credit card?
323
00:13:18,132 --> 00:13:22,200
It wasn't even a credit card.
It was a sticker of a cat.
324
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:24,269
They wanted to donate plasma?
325
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,538
No, they came in looking to get plasma.
326
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:28,873
They were very clear about
not wanting to donate any.
327
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:31,009
They did, however, want to donate sperm.
328
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,278
Not something we do here,
but before I could answer,
329
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,148
one of them had relations
with our mail chute.
330
00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:40,885
This is so stupid!
We're never gonna find this guy!
331
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,354
Aah!
332
00:13:42,356 --> 00:13:45,758
Aah! Unh! I give up.
333
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,293
I know a great place to eat close by.
334
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:52,164
It's not on the napkin, though,
so you probably don't wanna go.
335
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:54,833
Screw the napkin. Nothing matters.
336
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:57,235
Hey, can you give me
a ride to New York City?
337
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,703
Or Washington, D.C.?
338
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,973
Or maybe we could go
skiing in the Poconos!
339
00:14:00,975 --> 00:14:05,177
Philadelphia... three hours
away from a lot of great stuff.
340
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:06,545
[DING!]
341
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,447
This place is the best.
342
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,915
I used to come here all
the time with my friend.
343
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,786
It's probably the spiciest
restaurant in Philly.
344
00:14:13,788 --> 00:14:15,119
Can you handle it?
345
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,055
I'm a new man. Bring it on.
346
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:20,058
Speaking of spicy, check them out.
347
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,994
[BOTH MOANING]
348
00:14:21,996 --> 00:14:23,128
Oh, my God.
349
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,529
[MOANING STOPS]
350
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:28,066
Whoa. Hey, Ali.
What are you doing in town, bud?
351
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,469
Umm... we... uh...
352
00:14:30,471 --> 00:14:32,137
We're on a field trip.
353
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,339
Oh, man. That sounds lame.
354
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,408
What up? I'm Darix, and this is Royce.
355
00:14:36,410 --> 00:14:38,076
I'm his girlfriend!
356
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,612
We just said "I love you"
for the first time!
357
00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:41,814
[BOTH MOANING]
358
00:14:41,816 --> 00:14:45,617
See, Ali? Love is real. [SLURPING]
359
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:48,553
We're celebrating at our
fave spicy restaurant.
360
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,555
We love spicy stuff.
361
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,258
Well, have a good... field trip.
362
00:14:54,428 --> 00:14:57,162
They seem fun. How do you know Darix?
363
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,698
He's... my ex-boyfriend.
364
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:01,834
Well, not "boyfriend" because he...
365
00:15:01,836 --> 00:15:06,438
We don't believe in labels. Or love.
366
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:07,906
Do you want to leave?
367
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,174
We can't just leave.
368
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,711
It will look like I'm upset.
And I'm not. [CHUCKLES]
369
00:15:12,713 --> 00:15:15,980
[VOICE BREAKING] I'm actually
really happy for him.
370
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:18,183
♪♪
371
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,185
Steve, don't! That's a Carolina Reaper!
372
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,854
[CRUNCH, FLAMES RUSH]
373
00:15:21,856 --> 00:15:24,456
AAAAAAHHH!
374
00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:26,859
[VOMITS] Ow! Ow!
375
00:15:26,861 --> 00:15:29,528
I'll have what he's heaving.
376
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:33,998
Hey. I know you ate that pepper for me.
377
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,401
You think I liquefied my insides
378
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:38,336
just to get you out of that restaurant?
379
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,604
No way.
380
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:40,939
That hospital was on the napkin,
381
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,941
and I'm obsessed with the napkin, so...
382
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,143
I'm sorry you had to
throw up and have diarrhea
383
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,478
all over the place.
384
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,347
I prefer to think of it as
throwing up and throwing down.
385
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,084
[LAUGHS] Take my coat.
You must be freezing.
386
00:15:52,086 --> 00:15:55,087
No way. I love this dress.
It's nice on me.
387
00:15:55,089 --> 00:15:58,257
Don't be an idiot. Take it.
388
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,295
♪♪
389
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:06,899
♪ Crimson and clover ♪
390
00:16:06,901 --> 00:16:10,168
♪♪
391
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:13,171
♪ Over and over ♪
392
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,506
♪♪
393
00:16:14,508 --> 00:16:17,910
My queen,
why are we hot-wiring a cop car?
394
00:16:17,912 --> 00:16:20,178
Because we ain't got the keys, ya dope!
395
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,381
[ENGINE STARTS, SIREN WAILS]
396
00:16:22,383 --> 00:16:24,483
[TIRES SCREECH]
397
00:16:26,158 --> 00:16:29,787
I saw this raisin in 2007 in the lobby
398
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,857
of the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago.
399
00:16:31,859 --> 00:16:33,525
It was just sitting there on the floor.
400
00:16:33,527 --> 00:16:37,863
And I thought it was a bug.
But, no, it was a raisin!
401
00:16:37,865 --> 00:16:40,199
And now it's my raisin.
402
00:16:42,639 --> 00:16:44,802
Guys, I'm sorry
I didn't call back sooner.
403
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,604
It's been a really wild 24 hours.
404
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,941
Why are we still talking to you?!
Put Milk Girl on!
405
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:52,678
Actually I have some bad
news about Milk Girl.
406
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,146
You're scaring us, Steve!
407
00:16:54,148 --> 00:16:56,148
She's gone. She was...
408
00:16:56,150 --> 00:16:57,883
What the hell do you mean "gone"?!
409
00:16:57,885 --> 00:16:59,951
How could you let this happen, Steven?!
410
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,688
- She was...
- We were gonna invite her to Christmas!
411
00:17:02,690 --> 00:17:04,822
We made a jacket for her that says
412
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,759
"Milk Girl is in Our Family Now"!
413
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:10,028
Sorry? I-I didn't ask you to do that.
414
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:14,366
Dad drained our pool
and filled it with milk!
415
00:17:14,368 --> 00:17:17,969
What are we supposed to do with
a pool full of milk, Steve?!
416
00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:20,839
- [STAN SOBBING]
- Umm, guys, I got really high
417
00:17:20,841 --> 00:17:24,042
and I accidentally ordered
a truck full of cereal,
418
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:27,045
and it just got here,
and I don't know what to do.
419
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:30,582
I tried to eat it, but it's just so dry!
420
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:34,853
Steve, it looks like everything
just might work out after all!
421
00:17:34,855 --> 00:17:36,522
Get the giant spoon, honey!
422
00:17:36,524 --> 00:17:38,590
I'm workin' on it.
423
00:17:38,592 --> 00:17:40,259
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
424
00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:43,862
- I couldn't sleep.
- I couldn't either.
425
00:17:43,864 --> 00:17:45,931
I just can't stop
thinking about that kiss.
426
00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:48,266
Me neither! It was absolutely...
427
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,268
A mistake, right? I mean, that's not us.
428
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,604
That's not who we are.
It obviously didn't mean anything.
429
00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:54,472
So I think we should just forget it.
430
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,009
Plus, it was unprofessional. You agree.
431
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,212
[POUNDING] Everyone wake up!
432
00:18:00,214 --> 00:18:02,948
Where is Marty?! What the hell, guys?!
433
00:18:02,950 --> 00:18:06,484
If you don't find him by 9:00 a.m.,
you're all expelled!
434
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:08,286
And I'll also kill you.
435
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,888
I'll start killing one of you
436
00:18:09,890 --> 00:18:12,758
every five minutes until he is found.
437
00:18:14,362 --> 00:18:16,762
Starting... now.
438
00:18:16,764 --> 00:18:19,765
I was just sneakin' to my cousin's room!
439
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:21,833
♪♪
440
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:24,102
- [SIREN WAILING]
- I freakin' love you!
441
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,772
I freakin' love you, too!
442
00:18:26,774 --> 00:18:30,108
♪♪
443
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,777
I guess you've never
heard of Tasty Cakes,
444
00:18:31,779 --> 00:18:33,979
or you would have thought
that was really funny.
445
00:18:34,848 --> 00:18:37,849
Steve, it seems like you're
trying to be really quiet.
446
00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:39,752
[SHAKILY] I'm not trying. I'm just...
447
00:18:42,923 --> 00:18:45,123
ROGER: ♪ Bada BA ♪
448
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,125
- [STEVE WAILING]
- ♪ Bada BA ♪
449
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:49,261
Oh, look. Steve's running and crying.
450
00:18:49,263 --> 00:18:51,397
♪ BaNaNa NaNaNa ♪
451
00:18:51,399 --> 00:18:53,465
♪ BaNaNa Na-Na Na-Na ♪
452
00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:55,333
♪ Ba-Baaaaa! ♪
453
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,468
[TIRES SCREECH]
454
00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:00,472
Steve! Oh, my God! I'm in love!
455
00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:01,807
That's great, man.
456
00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:04,610
Don't worry, buddy.
We're calling for backup!
457
00:19:04,612 --> 00:19:07,479
Dispatch, we got a kid
smooshed between two vehicles.
458
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:10,015
He looks more jacked up than
the Phillie Phanatic tattoo
459
00:19:10,017 --> 00:19:13,819
my cousin Donovan gave me under the
bleachers at the Mummers Parade. Over.
460
00:19:13,821 --> 00:19:16,421
- Steve! Are you okay?!
- Not really.
461
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,091
I knew it!
You were being really quiet before.
462
00:19:19,093 --> 00:19:22,027
Well, now I'm hurt more than before,
like, physically,
463
00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:24,896
but I was hurt emotionally first.
464
00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:27,899
When someone tells me a
kiss we had was a mistake,
465
00:19:27,901 --> 00:19:29,501
it... it bums me out.
466
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:32,570
You're one of the kids
I met a couple days ago!
467
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,373
And I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not being dramatic,
468
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,842
I'm just being real.
469
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:38,444
You say you don't have
any feelings at all
470
00:19:38,446 --> 00:19:41,046
and that nothing matters,
but it's an act!
471
00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:43,982
You're the Dame Judi Dench, not me.
472
00:19:43,984 --> 00:19:46,785
I like you.
I know that's not a cool thing to say,
473
00:19:46,787 --> 00:19:48,253
but I'm not a cool guy.
474
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,856
And if you don't like me back,
I can take it.
475
00:19:50,858 --> 00:19:52,924
But you have to tell me how you feel.
476
00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:53,992
[DOORS CLOSE]
477
00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:56,127
Steve, let's talk about this later.
478
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:58,063
No! Nobody touch me!
479
00:19:58,065 --> 00:19:59,465
I'm not going to the hospital
480
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:02,668
until you tell me how you feel about me.
481
00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:04,069
Fine. I like you.
482
00:20:05,339 --> 00:20:08,073
Marty! He's back! Ha ha ha!
483
00:20:08,075 --> 00:20:10,008
You thought he was dead!
484
00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:13,011
Crying in your room all night. Ha ha!
485
00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:15,747
I think everyone learned
a valuable lesson...
486
00:20:15,749 --> 00:20:18,884
Marty always comes through!
487
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:21,487
When we first met, we hated each other.
488
00:20:21,489 --> 00:20:23,755
I didn't hate you.
I just thought you were a dork.
489
00:20:23,757 --> 00:20:25,757
And then Milk Girl
was Reese Witherspoon,
490
00:20:25,759 --> 00:20:27,092
and we became friends.
491
00:20:27,094 --> 00:20:28,694
And we're still just friends.
492
00:20:28,696 --> 00:20:30,628
I know you like me. You said it.
493
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,364
- I'm not sure I ever said that.
- She said it.
494
00:20:32,366 --> 00:20:34,632
You were smooshed
between a bus and a car.
495
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:35,767
I was, I was.
496
00:20:35,769 --> 00:20:37,769
You were refusing medical attention.
497
00:20:37,771 --> 00:20:39,437
Yes, yes, that too.
498
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:43,108
Anyway, she's a tenth grader,
and I'm still in ninth grade,
499
00:20:43,110 --> 00:20:45,643
so I'm not allowed to make eye
contact with her in school,
500
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:49,715
but in a couple of years,
we'll both be upperclassmen,
501
00:20:49,717 --> 00:20:52,184
so we'll see how it plays out.
502
00:20:52,186 --> 00:20:54,252
Yeah. I guess we'll see.
503
00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:55,453
♪ Ahh ♪
504
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,323
♪♪
505
00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,059
Bye-bye! See you soon!
506
00:21:02,232 --> 00:21:03,954
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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