All language subtitles for The Brainiac AKA El Barón del terror (1962) RiffTrax quadruple audio 720p.10bit.BluRay.x265-budgetbits_RiffTrax SDH [English] (SUBRIP)

[Kevin] This is already totally wrong.

Nothing like how Brainiac looks in the Superman comics.

Good job Hollywood. I'm taking this to the forums.

[Mike] Hmm. El Baron Del Terror was also a great

pro wrestler in the early mid west circuit. His character was an effete cowardly

frenchmen. Yeah they didn't really think that one through.

[Kevin] And here's a sketch of a pool party Jack Nicholson threw in the 70s.

[Bill] Wow!

It's like they saw into my nightly dreams and made drawings of them.

But they are leaving ME out of the dream pictures.

Me not having studied for the big test.

ME so nude, that the word nude, doesn't even do it

justice. Whoop. This one again, missing ME, sitting on that broom stick

there with those two nude as human can be and THEN some!

And missing me here too, hanging out with the ugly demon

crones hoping to birth devil babies while, unlike them, I am also

I really mean this guys. Shockingly nude!

[Kevin] Uh huh.

[Bill] Yep yep yep. I have this dream too. With the big pile of orgy

bodies and the cat for genitals. And yet somehow my cat junk

in this dream made me even MORE nude. It's weird.

[Mike] Guys I'm just gonna

nip off to throw up for a few hours okay?

[Kevin] Get back here Mike. Bill? Shut up forever.

We, the grand inquisitor,

protector of the faith against heretic sins of apostasy in the city

of Mexico and all the states and dominions and the province of new Spain.

[Mike] Kill them to Raceway Park this Saturday for Truckasaurus.

All the cities and states do proclaim, that the other inquisitors and I.

[Kevin] Whoa. Took a lot of breath there. Is the micromachines

man underneath that hood?

To do justice in the trial that has been initiated

against the aforementioned Baron (indistinct).

[Bill] Sorry guys. Forgot my black robe and hood. I feel like such a dork!

Aware of the edicts and merits of this trial,

and the evidence and suspicion resulting thereof.

[Mike] Huh. Suddenly silent.

I guess that Mr. Microphone he keeps under his cowal just broke.

[Kevin] Alright! It's slam poetry time!

[Mike] Gah! I recant all heresies!

Report on the sentence of the trial by torment, that this tribunal of the holy

inquisition, instituted against said Baron Batamius.

[Bill] You stand accused of wearing Seinfeld's puffy shirt.

Or having used witchcraft, superstitions, and conjurations,

for depraved and dishonest ends.

For having employed the art of necromancy invoking the dead,

and trying to foretell the future through the use of corpses.

[Kevin] Beats the hell out of a magic 8 ball.

For having seduced married women.

[Bill] (laughs) Yeah that was awesome.

And maidens.

Having taken note of the facts of this trial.

[Mike] Sweating like a stuck pig under these.

To be subjected to torment, as far as is justified.

[Kevin] The bad news? Eric Roberts will determine what is justified.

He shall be maimed in any way.

Or should die.

Or his blood should be drawn in carrying out the sentence.

[Bill] Well that would really make our day. Thanks.

And show that he had not repented.

As soon as he was informed of his sentence, the accused declared.

[Mike] I did all your wives!

Actually welcomed the decision.

And that this holy tribunal could torment him.

All it wished!

[Bill] I did say that. I'm awesome.

And therefore, he was conducted to the torture chamber

and his arms were thrust behind his back.

[Kevin] Yeah Bob we were ALL there remember?

[Mike] Skip ahead would you?

But the accused merely laughed with disdain at these acts of justice.

[Bill] (laughs) I really did. So awesome.

Because of this bold defiancy, he was laid upon the rack.

And with his arms and legs almost torn from his body, he continued

to make jest of our holy authority.

[Kevin] I mean it really hurt our feelings.

When the inquisitors witnessed this spectacle... (Bill sighs) (Mike laughs)

Torment be ceased.

[Mike] So we turned off the Whitney show immediately. (laughs)

I'm kidding. Come on.

Even we grant inquisitors gotta lighten things up every now and then.

When the accused was the notified of this decision, he declared

that he would welcome as much torment as we wished to give him.

[Bill] We thank him for being so considerate.

Sincerely we do. Now gouge out his eyeballs!

And he was taken to a small jail cell.

Close the torture chamber.

From where he has been brought to this room

to receive our decision, and our sentence.

[Kevin] And yes that was all totally written on my tiny scroll.

And now as if our justice had not been sufficiently ridiculed,

a witness has come before this tribunal to defend the accused.

This is the epitome of all brazen defiance Lord Inquisitors.

Now tell me are we going to stand for it?

[Bill]] Because next time I'll make my fist actually hit the table. I swear!

[Mike] Ladies and gentlemen community theater

Hamlet is in the building. (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Your wife too. Yeah that's right.

This holy tribunal has been given to understand that you have.

[Kevin] The throne has a discreet toilet feature. It's really cool.

[Mike] Yeah. Cool.

Do you know young man, that he who presents himself

before the tribunal of the holy inquisition in this country.

[Kevin] Excuse me a sec. (grunts) There!

[Mike] Yeah. Discreet.

I know sir. I shall.

Then let us hear your story.

Who are you?

My name is Marcos Miranda.

[Bill] Brother of that fruit hat broad. In Portugal.

And what do you have to say in favor of the accused?

I'd like to say.

[Mike] He really showed my wife a good time. A man of many virtues.

Respected for his knowledge that he has dedicated

to the promotion of fine arts and sciences.

He has helped the downtrodden people in this new land.

[Kevin] But we hate the downtrodden people.

Marcos Miranda, the force that you have tried

to perpetrate has earned you the punishment of two hundred lashes.

Which will be applied immediately in the torture chamber.

[Bill] We don't torture there.

Just an ironic name we thought of since it's so cozy and inviting in there.

There, where we do our whipping.

[Mike] Be right back. We just need a quick

chat about our Toys for Tots campaign.

[Kevin] Yeah tell Harry over there would you?

I'd do it but standing up isn't my thing.

[Mike] We have come to a decision.

Henceforth our robes and hoods will be made of

a more breathable less itchy fabric.

Penance be damned!

This hearing has come to an end.

[Kevin] I know, I know you're disappointed. Well I am too.

Be presented.

As a result this tribunal of the holy inquisition

established in New Spain, has seen fit to

condemn the unpenitant Baron Batavius of Batera.

[Bill] Man stop padding your paunch.

Symbols of fight.

He will undergo personal debasement before the people.

His lands and possessions will be confiscated.

And finally he will burned to death in an open field.

[Mike] Kind of buried the lede there.

[Kevin] Yeah "in an open field?" Monsters!

If my body is to be burned it will be without chains.

[Bill] Sure, that's reasonable. Hey! I'd do that!

[Mike] He'd have done that earlier, but he just loves dry legal procedure.

[Bill] (laughs) I've seen much opener fields than this.

[Kevin] They were merciful after all.

[Bill] I don't think the open field part would be

quite as worrisome as the death by burning part.

[Kevin] Oh man up, Corbett!

[Mike] We have an outdoor judgment table too. It's pretty sweet.

All his sins now for what he did to you.

The Viceroy's lady is in tears because they're burning her boyfriend.

The poor dear. Shh!

[Kevin] My warts are sleeping.

The inquisitors spies will hear you.

Don't you know their ears are bigger than mountains?

[Bill] It's a serious medical condition.

[Mike] Hi mom!

[Kevin] Tonight on bald mountain, desperately trying to break out.

Not quite getting there.

[Bill] Those two hundred lashes felt great!

[Mike] Was the bishop hat standard issue when they roasted someone?

[Kevin] It has the barbecue sauce in it.

[Mike] Lighter fluid was a great idea Pete. Kudos!

[Bill] (singing) Da da da! Disco inferno! Ha ha! I kid my searing flesh!

[Mike] Really Pete, top notch work here. Your Christmas bonus will reflect that.

[Kevin] That cheap prom decoration will save me!

[Bill] Heaven's Gate is back baby and ready to set things right.

[Mike] You made fun of our voluntary castration and mass suicide but look at us!

We're riding a damn comet now losers!

[Kevin] Their plan never moved beyond step one.

Exchange lots of significant looks.

[Bill] Joan of Arc went up much faster. Man that guy's a drama queen.

(indistinct)

[Mike] marley's ghost. Get out of here! It's not your story.

[Kevin] Don't put the Alexander Hamilton face on me! Contreras!

[Bill] Hmm. That one didn't quite come in. Think it might have been Danny Trejo?

[Kevin] I'm not sure.

(indistinct).

[Mike] Your Barbara Bush drag queen act is tired and way out of date.

[Kevin] Is there a face in your bag for me?

(indistinct).

[Bill] (laughs) So his spells comes in two settings.

Ugly thug face and pauncy scarlett pimpernel face.

As you return to your world within three hundred years.

[Kevin] Take out your Franklin planners. Let's put this on the calender gents.

Cycle that is once again in these latitudes.

When that happens.

[Mike] No hold on a second. OH DEAR GOD! I'M BURNING ALIVE!

Anyway. When that happens.

I shall expel your foul lineage from this earth!

[Bill] Hmm. His genitals are crisping up nice.

[Kevin] Iggi! [Mike] I think it's 1661.

[Kevin] Well, the year Iggi was born.

[Bill] You mean Iggy Pop? Trying to believe you.

[Mike] Wow. Those Duraflame logs really do burn long.

[Kevin] Look, we know how long three hundred years from then is!

[Bill] 1961 the year Don Draper lands the Spanish inquisition account.

[Kevin] (singing) It's the sixties now! So we'll show you how

to cheat on your wife and go drinking and drugging all night!

[Mike] Gotta say the guys of the inquisition did seem to loosen up in later years.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's a quarter to twelve.

If we don't hurry we're going to be late.

You two have other plans this evening?

[Bill] No it's just that sharing a table with you two is agonizingly boring.

Something important. You must like your work.

Don't forget I chose to be an astronomer. I work in the dark.

[Mike] Yeah I won't forget that.

There are no clouds tonight.

So long you two. So long.

[Mike] Remind me to forget what that guy does.

[Kevin] Can you please turn off the music from

hearts of space for like fifteen minutes. It's kind of on the nose!

[Mike] Whoa. Hit the brakes like a fifteen year old with a learners permit.

[Bill] So romantic visiting the giant matte photo of the observatory together.

[Kevin] Huh. Renovated the highlanders old place, nice.

[Mike] Really had to scrub to get out those The Curgen stains.

[Bill] Uh Vin Diesel your head is blocking the camera.

[Kevin] Ooo. Walked up the stairs after her. I wonder why.

I'm sorry we're late Milan.

But we were invited out to have a drink.

Don't worry about that Ronny. I knew you'd be here on time.

How's your memory tonight Vicky?

[Mike] Well it's really bad. I think.

Hey I'm trying to answer you! Shut up for a second!

Very important and how often they appear near earth.

Well, Over's every seventy two years it draws near earth,

Haley's cycle is every seventy sixth!

Perfect. [Bill] You've earned a cookie and a highball.

Haley's draws near the sun.

But how close does the comet get to the sun?

[Kevin] You didn't say there'd be a pop quiz! I hate those so much!

I'm sweating and I think I peed a little.

Eight million miles professor.

(indistinct)

I think fifty four million miles.

Perfect young man.

Well I'm glad you two came to the observatory tonight.

Because it's especially important. Look at these.

[Mike] The skin tags on my back I mean.

Let me just strip down and tell me what you think.

And they all mention in one section the appearance of a strange comet.

A comet that was seen during the year 1661.

[Kevin] The year Iggi was born!

[Bill] No Iggy.

Just might think that they refer to the great comet, that was sighted during 1680.

One that helped Isaac Newton when he demonstrated that

all comets in the very same manner as the planets in our solar system.

[Bill] Bet they're really glad they left the music and the booze. (Kevin laughs)

Nevertheless we found that the great comet that was seen during 1680

different from the others since its orbit was parabolic.

[Mike] Much like my comb over.

The sun was its focal point.

In spite of that, based on the predictions that are

mentioned in these books, we can be sure

that the comet that was seen in 1661.

[Bill] Was a demon jew infidel.

An elliptical orbit.

What it means is that we're tracking a comet that's periodic.

There are some interesting details relating to all this.

Now listen.

[Kevin] We HAVE been listening you pompous windbag!

My god! How much more can we possibly listen?!

Seen in 1661 is bound to appear above our earth within a precise limit.

[Bill] Hmm. It's that drafting table's finest hour.

I'll tell ya. Hell-Lo!

In other words.

This comet that was seen during 1661 is bound to appear in the

field of vision of our telescope at exactly 2:36 this morning.

[Mike] So half an hour ago?

With the same orbit as the earth.

Now to calculate a distance of approximately fifty three million miles.

But professor it's due here right now.

[Bill] And I haven't bought any comet presents yet.

[Kevin] Now wait. That's aimed at the poster on my ceiling. Sorry.

I found Andromeda professor. But I can't see the comet.

[Mike] That's because you're looking in my water heater.

You're never going to find it that way.

You're aiming towards the northern latitudes.

[Bill] Also moving it a millimeter means you're off by millions of miles.

[Kevin] So, no dinner or sex tonight huh?

[Mike] There's the constellation antipathy. Nobody much cares about it.

[Bill] There's a new Breyer's fudge vanilla swirl.

Bear to the south. I'm sure you'll see it soon.

[Kevin] Won't lift a finger to help you though.

[Mike] That galaxy is stuccoed.

Center it on Orion's belt now.

I think that's where you're going to find it.

[Bill] Wouldn't want a consult a chart or do anything remotely sciencey though.

[Kevin] Gah. Stupid universe.

Nothing yet professor.

[Mike] Ah. Gotta go bitch out Neal Degrasse Tyson over the phone.

It's not possible!

I think something's gone wrong.

[Bill] Either it's the end of time or my watch stopped.

[Kevin] I'm taking a look at the fall fashion forecast.

[Mike] Heh. Who would have thought drawing a turtle would be so difficult!

[Bill] Hmmm. Yeah. I don't think turtles have antlers. Sorry.

[Mike] Dammit.

[Kevin] Oh it's darling!

Professor! Look!

I'm sure I found it.

[Mike] Either that or a bird crapped on your lens.

Yes. There it is. I can see it now Ronny.

I wasn't mistaken.

What a splendid spectacle. We're certainly fortunate. [Mike] Ronny.

I for one feel proud that my work hasn't failed. Take a look.

[Kevin] Where is it? Next to that blurry smudge?

Permit me.

Come! We'll watch it from outside!

[Mike] In the crystal clear Mexico City sky! ♪♪♪

[Bill] Say, lady in apartment 13B is wearing a push up bra.

There it is.

There it is. I see it.

[Kevin] First, I'm naming it after me!

How beautiful.

[Mike] Okay. Quit hogging it. honey pants.

I don't understand.

The comet just let out a very strange light.

[Bill] It's shaped like Batman.

Better investigate.

[Kevin] And so they drove to a comet.

[Mike] A rare pre-Spielbergian wonder gaze.

[Bill] Chas Bono's kidney stone!

[Kevin] I thought comets tended to wipe out all life on earth when they hit

But the light dust displacement works too I guess.

[Mike] Hey. Maybe this is agent Que? (laughs)

Not the letter K with the upside down question mark because.

[Bill] Thank you Mike! That'll do!

[Kevin] This has a Plan Nine feel to it.

[Mike] Ooo. I hope someone balls it up in Albuquerque.

[Bill] Gimley!

[Kevin] Nothing more menacing than a Tolkien dwarf in a shredded kimono.

[Mike] Now according to Xeno's famous movie monster paradox no matter

how fast that guy runs, the monster,

no matter how slow, will always catch up to him.

[Bill] Thank you for today's crap movie philosophy lesson Mike.

[Mike] Reductio ad Monsterum my padawan.

[Kevin] Okay what are you? John Muir?

Quit traipsing through the woods and kill somebody already!

(growling)

[Bill] My god! Did the mask factory have a fire?

[Mike] (muffles voice) Help! I can't breathe in this thing!

[Bill] That's odd. It's night over there. And day over here.

[Kevin] (grunting)

(screaming)

[Mike] Gah. He's frenching his pineal gland.

[Kevin] Did you just hear somebody get tongued to death?

(growling)

(guys laugh)

[Bill] So was he already a monster before?

Or did the comet?

[Mike] Yep the comet. Same thing happened to the Little Prince after a while.

Really hurt his book sales.

[Bill] Oh my god. This means the Baron's not wearing underpants.

[Mike] I'm dead! You can have them!

[Kevin] Nope. Hanging free!

[Mike] Construction stopped on the bridge when workers

realized it was just a ridiculous back drop.

[Kevin] Hmm. Will you look at that? Over in this general direction.

And there too. Hmmm.

[Bill] And looking in this direction holds interest as well. Don't you think?

[Kevin] I must agree. That's quality looking.

[Bill] Looking is pleasant.

[Mike] Hello. Are you looking?

[Kevin] Ha ha! No! Certainly not! (whispers) He's onto us!

Oh sir.

Did you see a small air light land near here?

An air light?

[Bill] What the hell's an air light?

No.

You appear to surprised to see me my friend.

I think I should explain you see I always take my walks at this hour of the night.

[Mike] In these woods so near the construction zone.

You see sir, we're astronomers.

And we were observing a meteor!

[Kevin] Oh I thought you said it was an air light?

Cannot understand a thing that you're saying to him.

Young lady I understand much more than you can imagine.

Astronomy is my weakness.

As a science it's most important.

[Bill] Yet it makes me very weak!

I studied it for years. I'm quite proficient.

Oh really?

Yes. ♪♪♪ In that case.

[Mike] What's with the music? Should be sword fighting to this.

I'd be more than glad to show you my work sir.

Our professor is Harold Millan.

I'd be glad to.

Well good night.

Good night.

[Kevin] Now if you don't mind, I must get back to

vaguely resembling Dennis Hopper.

[Bill] Bum bum bum bum.

Sun's been setting for roughly eleven hours now.

[Mike] You know. Those two were right. Looking is very pleasant.

[Kevin] Crash landing a comet works up an appetite. For fun!

So come to Montejo for our exclusive Jose Cuervo grill room.

And our new fifty peso menu! Well what are you waiting for?

Join the party! Only at Montejo!

[Bill] Spanish Barf-fly.

[Mike] Business at Montejo tanked after that

Outback Steakhouse moved into the strip mall.

[Kevin] Still he bangs his sack on the table corner.

[Bill] DeSorono. Almond liqueur and nail polish remover. Good for the cuticles too.

[Mike] Hi. Maybe unnecessary.

[Kevin] Quick finish my mannequin practice.

And who are you?

I didn't see you come in?

[Bill] Bob Braniac's the name.

Mind if I kill you and make your clothes disappear? Hmm?

[Mike] Got a two-foot forked tongue.

I'm sorry buddy.

But the law says I can't serve you this late.

Oh. He's an old friend of mine.

[Kevin] We go all the way back to the beginning of this sentence.

You win. But one and then we close.

[Bill] I'm sorry sort of spaced out there.

Serve that man a cognac.

After that you can go. No need to wait.

[Mike] Thanks for the giant play money.

You know what?

[Kevin] I've been with older... and shinier.

You and I met someplace else honey?

But I feel foggy right now.

[Bill] Dish rag squeezings.

You're real sweet so please don't think you bother me or anything like that.

Bobby doesn't like to see me with men.

He thinks I should only be friends.

You're my friend.

[Mike] Yeah. didn't we just meet in a field?

There was a guy with you? No?

[Bill] Well I've got surgical rounds in the morning.

[Mike] Eh. Maybe I shouldn't keep my safe out here in the garage.

Since you got here haven't said one single word to me.

[Kevin] No really. The hair, the mole? You must be the girl from the field.

Tell you the truth it makes me feel afraid.

[Bill] I've got my own eye light. Where's yours?

I don't want you to stop looking at me.

[Mike] Hmm. You know who has this same effect on me? Regis Philbin.

I guess it's just useless.

[Kevin] I'll just take my drunken sex to another stranger.

[Bill] Was I in that field? Now I'm confused.

[Kevin] Eat at Joe's. Eat at Joe's.

[Bill] This is what I'm wearing to Dragon Con. What do you think?

(screaming)

[Bill] Good, because that's what I was going for.

♪♪♪ (screaming)

[Mike] Yeah I know. It's the nose hair isn't it?

[Kevin] Whoo hoo! That's good nape!

In the years that I've been working in this

morgue I've never run across a case like this.

[Bill] I mean look at that back hair.

The skulls of these two victims show two perforations.

Possibly the murderer used an electric drill.

[Mike] Though we can't rule out a portable chupacabra.

The person who did it was quite skilled.

Just look at these two orifices.

[Kevin] Ooo. Those are some beautiful orifices.

A most astounding thing has occurred in these cases.

You see the cephalic matter was sucked out through these small openings.

[Bill] Same thing happens when you watch America's Got Talent.

[Mike] Decided to put a wig on this guy.

Please look at this.

The same little holes in exactly the

place that they were bored in that other fellow's skull.

[Kevin] You've got a good eye for holes doctor.

Yeah. Identical characteristics in both cases.

Doc I'm sure that the killer made the preforations.

[Bill] Or PERforations.

An expert in anatomy too.

I wish they'd find some way to control the subject a man studies.

A maniac with a lot of knowledge is a threat.

[Mike] Hmm you could even call him a brainiac.

But that would be too stupid for words right?

It certainly is strange coincidence.

Last night that the bank was robbed on 2nd street.

[Kevin] This morning a chicken fell out of a boat.

And all the cash in the safe too.

And there's not a single clue.

But what's that got to do with this dead body Chief?

[Bill] Good question proto-hipster.

Same block where we found this girl's corpse right after she was laid out Benny.

I just figured the whole business out Chief.

[Mike] It was Mexicans.

Now just for fun, let's suppose that the girl saw the robbery.

And the criminal wanted to make sure she wouldn't talk.

You're a smart boy Benny.

One mistake. I guess you forgot that they found the other guy at the highway.

That's twenty six miles to that location.

[Kevin] Think these two have ever mashed wieners?

Well fine.

Then the investigation is ended and it seems foolish to go on.

I'm sorry chief.

[Bill] I'll quietly fire myself.

For the trouble.

Not at all. I'm at your service.

Let's go.

Thank you very much.

[Mike] You sure you can't stay for corpse chowder?

[Kevin] Wait! I thought she just got killed in a bar?

(indistinct)

[Bill] But. They're speaking in tongues!

[Mike] I think it's Spanish.

[Bill] Well, spanish is a tongue.

(speaking spanish)

[Kevin] Well then. It appears that our dubbing team slipped out for some Nescafe.

[Mike] No worries guys. I know a bit of spanish. I can translate.

[Kevin] Really? [Bill] Okay.

(indistinct)

[Mike] No. Something about a grande something. Maybe it's a food truck?

Says it sounds like fun.

(indistinct)

She said his hair is shaped like a roach.

And he wonders why cow bells are so cheap.

[Bill] Where did you learn your spanish Mike?

[Mike] Well I picked it up watching Fellini movies.

[Kevin] Except those are Italian.

[Mike] Really? Oh then I have no idea what the hell they're saying.

(speaking spanish)

[Mike] She's just asked to borrow some of his dandruff.

[Bill] Yeah yeah yeah. We're good on the translating Mike. Thank you.

In front of this place.

[Kevin] Ah good! Back on track.

From 1596 to 1771 directed by colonial and republican movements.

[Bill] Closed on holidays, Group rates available.

[Mike] Nice. They've really jazzed the place up over the centuries.

[Kevin] Ahh. My old stomping grounds. Well more like painful immolation grounds.

[Bill] Hi. Is this where you register as a sex offender? I've got big plans for tonight.

Did you come to see the archives?

I'm sorry but it's about to close.

[Mike] I know It's kind of my thing. I show up places when they're closing.

I'm Brainiac bitch.

[Kevin] Ah well, you make a good point.

[Kevin] (indistinct) in your face. Sure.

[Kevin] Now I've got a boner. Weird.

[Bill] I'd better go. They're putting chairs up in Golden Corral. Want to get there.

[Mike] How to make masks less crappy. Not interested.

Fifty Shades of Grey. Already read it. Ah here we go!

The first third of a George RR Martin book.

Processes of the inquisition.

[Kevin] By Beverly Cleary.

Done in the year of 1661.

[Bill] Let's see. How long ago was that?

[Mike] Now hope the gift shop's open. Pick up a snow globe for the kids.

[Bill] We're about to close sir!

[Mike] Ha ha ha!

[Kevin] How many basements does this place have?

(indistinct)

[Bill] Last words, "please don't bury me in a wall or something.

That would be idiotic. I mean how would that even work?"

Alvaro Contreras.

[Mike] The Mexican Hollywood walk of fame is kind of a downer.

♪♪♪ (indistinct)

[Kevin] He's in search of the grave of the

guy who first painted a donkey like a zebra.

(indistinct in Spanish)

[Bill] Died 1678. Favorite achievement?

Banging the Baron's wife the night they burned him? What the hell?!

[Mike] Huh. Okay then. Feeling good about what I accomplished here today.

Got a match for me?

[Kevin] Sure. A drag queen Joan Rivers. Boom!

[Bill] Hmm. Are you a thief baby?

Because you're totally having sex in exchange for money.

I'm bad at pick up lines.

[Mike] What's weird is this is exactly how supreme

court justice Samuel Alito met his wife.

[Kevin] Mmm. Mm. You taste like nicotine and portuguese sailors.

[Bill] Just implanted fifty thousand eggs in your tonsils. See ya babe.

[Mike] (robot voice) Begin transformation into Handsomer Gene Simmons.

(screaming)

[Kevin] Never a good thing when a prostitute makes that sound.

(screaming)

[Bill] That's the clip I'm gonna show my kids

when they start asking where babies come from.

[Mike] So the message of that scene was "smoking makes you look cool" right?

[Bill] Mm hmm.

Let's see the medical report chief.

[Kevin] It says where the hell's my corned beef hash?

Identical to the others.

Cranium perforated and it could have been by electric drill

And as usual Benny the brains were sucked out.

Oh gosh chief. I was really enjoying the sweet roll.

[Bill] You think it would be one of those mouth watering homicide medical reports.

I'll start posting men throughout the whole city.

Here are your cows brains sir.

[Mike] They sold a lot more of that dish once

that renamed it rooty tooty fresh and fruity.

Doesn't make any sense.

The comet's well within our field of vision Ronny and I cant find a trace.

A comet doesn't just disappear.

And it doesn't go into another orbit all of a sudden.

I can't explain.

It's completely absurd.

I think you need a little rest professor.

We've been at work for two weeks and you're exhausted.

[Kevin] You're developing a second voice.

Could it be that the whole thing is a hallucination.

A hallucination?

No Ronny. No.

[Bill] Ronny.

The comet exists Ronny, we both saw it.

Professor? Thank you.

[Bill] So you guys WORK here now, or?

[Kevin] Ah, it's fine professor. We'll wait.

Nothing.

[Mike] Over the years a man builds up a

thick skin for Penthouse forum rejection letters.

Nothing.

[Kevin] Thrill as an irritated man discards his junk mail!

Nothing.

[Bill] Nothing.

Nothing. Not one of my colleagues have even sighted the comet.

[Bill] And no one has complimented the

third graders drawing of Saturn I hung on the wall.

Considers it an honor to invite you to the reception

that he is giving at his new residence on Falcon Hill.

On monday the 21st.

And he expects us to get there around nine o'clock.

[Mike] Oh and he says your lame made up comet sucks.

Who is he?

Huh? I've never met the guy.

But that's not important.

What's important is we'll be able to forget that comet for tonight at least.

[Kevin] So the invitation was made out to the professor

and the two people who hang around your office for some reason?

Look! At last we're getting important!

They invited us to a party for blue bloods.

Well at least you're invited.

[Bill] Don't know why I'm reading your mail. Ha ha.

This isn't an invitation.

You and I are supposed to be at the party but only as watch dogs.

Naturally many guests will wear their jewels Benny

and they could attract our local crooks.

[Kevin] We should really get around to arresting our local crooks someday.

Service please?

[Mike] Ah yes. My party is going well.

Provided no boorish louts crash and spray the

emperor of Japan with champagne and then pinch a dignified

British lady's butt before leading a conga line through the kitchen.

This is Louis Meneses.

[Kevin] Wig envisioning. One of the mutant powers of the lessor X Men.

Mrs. Meneses?

Mr. Meneses? It's a pleasure. Won't you come in?

We are too honored Baron.

[Bill] Say Baron my scalp was just tingling.

You weren't imagining me in a powdered wig were you?

[Mike] Yep. I throw a rager. Everyone's getting some tonight.

Miss Ana Luisa of Vivar and Mr, Francis Corea.

[Kevin] Corea? Who invited that knob?

[Bill] Oh come on Baron. She's no Kate Upton, but THAT guy?

Miss Vivar, Mr. Corea. Baron.

Please go in. Thank you.

[Mike] You should be very proud my lady.

You have your great great grandfather's wang.

[Kevin] So. I guess I'll be doing this all night then.

[Bill] Everyone having fun? How are the dunkaroos holding up?

[Mike] I'm sorry sir. All hideous facial hair will have to be checked at the door.

Professor Eldelacio Pantora.

[Kevin] Who borrowed his beard from a cartoon satan.

[Bill] He envisions all his guests as extras in Cabin Boy.

[Mike] Sir. Perhaps if you were to remain standing near the entrance.

Professor.

It's an honor to welcome such an illustrious historian to this house.

Thank you Baron Estera.

And now that we've met the honor is mine, since

I know your reputation as a gentlemen sir.

Come in professor.

[Kevin] There's wine and cheese in the parlor.

And in the drawing room you'll find a TV playing the loop of a pig humping a cow.

[Bill] Sweet.

[Mike] Yes. So far everything is very slowly going according to plan.

[Kevin] Okay! We KNOW what guests arriving at a party looks like!

Sir this is Victoria Contreras. Professor Ronald Miranda

and Professor Samuel Thomas Millan.

[Bill] Llllllaaadies! Eh! Yah! Yoo!

[Mike] That's just what that guy put on

when his girlfriend left the house yesterday. (Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Hello Professor. Forgive me for not imagining you in a wig.

Miss Contreras? Ronald?

It's certainly a pleasure to see you again.

Professor Millan my congratulations.

[Bill] Hear you kicked some ass at trivia night last week?

And I confess I admire them.

And I'm glad to hear you say it Baron. It's true.

As young astronomers they we are both able and intelligent.

Won't you please come in?

[Mike] It's also difficult for any young astronomer to be forty years old.

But they handle it admirably.

Permit me. Thank you.

[Kevin] Ha ha! Drinking wine sure is easy since

none of us especially me have retractable fork tongues.

Right? Ha ha? Am I right?

Thank you Baron.

Join us.

Don't think I'm rude. But it so happens liqueur does me damage.

I once had a very strange disease.

Really Baron? That's a shame.

[Bill] Yeah. Just explosive dumps for like two weeks.

Middle of the night. Just around the clock.

[Kevin] Thank you Baron.

Is there anything the matter Baron?

Just a pain I feel occasionally.

Go on and join the others guests.

Excuse me please.

[Mike] Oh wait. Uh Baron. Who are you and why did you invite us to the?

No damn!

[Kevin] Huh. looks like me when I'm about to

shop lift a bunch of relish packets from 7-11.

[Kevin] Ah now he looks like me when I used the spare key

I stole to get into Bill's house to store the relish packets.

[Bill] Hey?

[Mike] Keeps the spare Ben and Jerry's Vermonster in the desk just in case.

[Kevin] Gah. What kind of psycho would keep

a goblet of brains lying around the house?

[Mike] Yeah.

[Kevin] When you could use that space to store stolen relish packets.

[Bill] As a man of refined taste, the Baron scoops his extruded brain

matter into a smaller dish BEFORE messingly devouring it.

[Kevin] Am I in the same room as them?

Now Benny listen. You need to keep your eyes open.

Don't forget that these high society get togethers

attract the most daring and intelligent crooks.

[Bill] Everything he knows about criminals he

learned from The Great Muppet Caper.

[Mike] No no. Please don't look at me. These are for.

You have to order them at the. Help I'm a terrible butler.

You stay close to the entrance here.

I'll be in among the Baron's guests.

[Kevin] Hey Baron! How's everything going ten feet

over there where I guess you're supposed to be?

I admire all facets of pre-hispanic culture.

And that's the real reason I wanted to come and visit your country.

It has so much beauty.

I think you'd be very pleased to review the documents

that I spent many years evaluating and interpreting Baron.

[Bill] Thank you most boring sounding person in the world.

You promised us you'd attend our wedding Baron.

I'm privileged to have been invited young lady.

We've all had a delightful time.

You are most kind.

As concerns my offer it was sincere Baron.

I'll consider it an honor to have you at my home.

[Mike] There are documents to evaluate and interpret.

It has been a pleasure.

Why thank you.

The observatory is at your disposal whenever you decide to visit us.

So don't forget.

[Kevin] My observatory is bigger Baron!

[Bill] We'll kill for you Baron!

[Mike] Evaluate and interpret!

Good night Miss Contreras.

[Kevin] (burps) Oh sorry. Gray matter's repeating on me.

Good night sir.

Good night.

[Mike] Sir if I may just. Baron sir. Dammit!

Lavish praise upon me and my documents!

[Kevin] I couldn't find a criminal so I arrested a bidet.

Don't you think it's time we beat it chief?

You know I bet those crooks heard we'd be

at the party and that's why they stayed home.

I guess you're right. Come on Benny.

[Bill] There's gotta be an ugliest cops contest we can enter somewhere.

[Mike] I love you!

[Kevin] Ah my rarest book of all. The controversial erotic version of Good Night Moon.

All these decrees here belonged to the inquisition.

During the second half of the 1600s.

Right here.

[Bill] I think it was like, four hundred years ago.

Juan Sebastian Apentoja.

You know in this century to talk about the holy inquisition

and the ways they did justice, is not what I call easy.

There exists a legend.

[Mike] Her casual around the house ball gown. (Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Wow. There goes that turn signal only I can see.

[Bill] Don't mind me. Just filling my brain up with knowledge.

Keeping it healthy and juicy. Hee hee. Juicy? What a strange thing for me to say.

About my brain.

Baron how do you do?

Baron Estera my daughter is my pride and joy.

Since I lost my wife she has always been at my side.

This year she's getting her degree.

A doctorate in history.

[Mike] AKA studying to become a waitress.

There is no subject quite as interesting as yours right?

Allow me to say that's she's a real authority on religious history.

Oh papa please be quiet.

These decrees certainly are interesting. Aren't they Baron?

[Kevin] Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

[Kevin] Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs? Boobs.

This history tells us about the trial, torment and resulting

sentence carried out by the authorities of the holy inquisition.

And held in the city of Mexico.

[Bill] Performed by the church of Catholics.

1661. Against Vitelius Estera.

Whose origin was unknown and was never discovered.

[Mike] Maybe it was a hideous bat pig thing?

[Kevin] No no. That's unlikely.

For dogmatizing. For having used sorcery.

Superstition conjuring for evil ends that all men are attracted to.

[Mike] Kardashian ends?

And also for trying to see into the future by employing dead bodies.

[Kevin] Sure, mm hmm.

For seducing young maidens that couldn't.

[Kevin] Couldn't get past the whole seeing into the future of dead bodies thing?

Couldn't resist.

Now the interesting thing is what was his sentence.

[Bill] I hope it's a better sentence than THAT one.

Prisoner had undergone torment that was considered justified.

[Mike] Rob Schneider marathon?

The authorities of the inquisition sentenced the accused to disgrace.

The next day he was dressed in a crown and shirt of fire.

Exposed to public ridicule.

They confiscated his wealth.

[Kevin] So were they more angry about the dogmatizing or the corpse defilement?

He was burned.

This Vitaleus of Estera must have been one of your ancestors Baron.

No. I never had any ancestors.

[Bill] I was made at the AWESOME factory.

I was condemned and was burned alive.

By that man there. Sebastian Pentora.

[Mike] Then he used MY corpse to see into the future. Total dick move.

Forgive me Baron.

But well this type of joke is in very poor taste.

[Kevin] Okay try this. Little Miss Muffet sat on a Tuffet.

[Bill] Ummm. Is this awkward?

It feels awkward.

Why won't he just SAY something?

Speak! End this nightmare.

[Mike] That looks like the dad from Family Ties had a baby with Beeker.

[Kevin] He's irrisistable. Or gassy. May be irrisistably gassy.

[Mike] Me me me me me!

[Bill] Hmm. He tastes like leather flavored beef.

[Kevin] The sexy funeral director's calendar, we found your Mr. July!

[Bill] Still doing this!

[Mike] Lemee from Motorhead cleans up nice.

[Kevin] Well they do make a cute couple.

(screaming)

[Bill] Dramatic re-enactment of Larry King's most recent wedding night.

[Mike] Sure. Eat my daughter's brain if you want

to learn how to shop and not drive well. Ha ha! Burn!

[Kevin] Actual brain consumption cut for time.

[Bill] And now his cruel sadistic end game. Make a big old mess!

[Mike] Ha ha ha! These documents were all alphabetized. Not any more!

[Kevin] Look at these receipts! Ha ha! Good luck at tax season pal!

[Bill] What have you got over here?

A bunch of copies of the local paper from

the time your daughter won the geography bee?

Ha ha ha! Treasured memories in disarray!

(growling)

[Mike] Now I've eaten your brains AND this chair is on the ground!

[Kevin] Ah. Poetic justice. He's burning them alive.

[Bill] Except they're dead. He's burning them dead.

[Kevin] Hey. Irony was pretty new in 1661. Cut him some slack.

[Mike] But the temperature inside a winter fresh mouth tastes much, MUCH cooler!!!

These people here were burned.

Only that doesn't fool me.

[Kevin] Their charred corpses are totally faking it.

Extracted their brains as well.

He tried to use fire to erase the incriminating evidence.

The experts in the laboratory should examine these two corpses.

And you better go along and let me know when you have all data.

Alright chief.

[Bill] Have the experts put a scarf in one ear and comically pull it out the other.

I gotta examine them to find out who drilled those holes in their skulls.

It probably was just some maniac who thought he was cracking a safe.

And don't forget to tag all the bones well.

Because is you lose one, I might get mixed up.

[Mike] Ha ha. Good one sir. This man was my dearest uncle.

[Kevin] Is smoking bad for you?

What a shocking tragedy

What tragedy?

[Bill] 20% off Old Navy Cargo shorts yesterday and we missed it.

Historian Intleacio Ventura and his daughter

murdered by a completely maniacal killer.

That's impossible.

I hate to say it professor but it's the truth.

[Mike] I'm as certain of this headline as I was about Dewey defeats Truman.

Frightening news.

And to think he was so happy and in such fine spirits at the Baron's house.

It's incredible.

[Kevin] Only sad people should die.

Ah yes. Thank you.

[Bill] Her main role as an astronomer is delivering his mail.

Nothing.

Moscow.

[Mike] In soviet Russia brain eat you. UGH.

All bad news.

San Francisco.

[Kevin] Oh it's written in glitter.

Huh. Like Moscow.

Paris.

[Bill] We surrender. What the?

Nothing. Nothing.

No one has seen anything.

They all say they haven't sighted the comet.

[Mike] You went a little Jiminy Glick there for a second professor.

Unless I saw it with my own two eyes.

And you two saw it. Isn't that true?

Certainly. Sure we did professor.

I say something's pretty strange when three people don't know what they saw.

[Kevin] No that's how we felt after The Happening. I read it.

[Bill] Smurfs fan fic. Snorks fan fic.

Here.

[Bill] Smurfs, snork, slash fic.

No here.

[Mike] I wish that book wasn't damp. Ugh.

Here. Comet seen.

But it's not true.

A sorcerer.

[Kevin] A sorcerer. Thanks prof.

[Bill] His doctor has a black light poster of the solar system he stole from a headshop.

You've really done a great job.

The foundry you built is just marvelous.

[Mike] You might have hired a good sorcerer.

Helping to build the economy sir.

Thank you so much Baron.

But the success is mostly due to the hard work

and sacrifices of my husband you know?

[Kevin] Yeah. That's why I said "sir".

You must see the laboratory.

I think you'll be interested in seeing the furnaces

where I experiment with new alloys.

[Bill] Really hope he LABoratory and not lavatory.

As I said I can show you proof of my theory.

Using this amalgamation I can make a new alloy that's completely unknown.

A metal that can resist tremendous temperatures.

[Mike] I call it adimante unobtainium.

Your experiment? Certainly.

It's true that I'll need heat but that furnace is quite sufficient.

Let me add the metals and the chemical components

I've enumerated and I can assure you of success.

[Kevin] Really holds his cigarette like a fork. Better trust him.

Forgive my eagerness Baron.

It's clear that money's not important to you.

Because you're only interested in your theory.

You're quite right sir.

[Bill] Well my theory and dogmatizing. Really I'm pretty heavily into both.

[Mike] Fruitopia anyone?

[Kevin] More monsters should work long

uncomfortable pauses into their kill techniques.

[Bill] Ugh. Again. Hope this time the stand off leads

to an elaborate street dance crew showdown.

[Bill] Yeesssssss?

[Kevin] I'm sorry. But your husband's face is

now frozen in the "OH no you didn't!" position.

[Bill] White Diamonds. The intriguing fragrance from Elizabeth Taylor.

[Mike] She's not hypnotized.

She just wants some of that moisturizer his skin visibly excretes all the time.

[Kevin] I'm into it.

[Bill] This scene was included to stop teenagers at the drive in from making out.

Pretty much for the rest of their lives.

[Kevin] He has winger for life tattooed in braille on the inside of this mouth.

[Bill] Yoda's cousin. The hippy guidance counselor.

(screaming)

[Mike] I know this might be a bad time to ask.

But I hope you'll sign this consent form so I can

use your dead body to try to see the future.

[Kevin] Yep. Paralyzed definitely paralyzed.

Free at last. Model train room here I come!

Louis Meneses descendant of the accused inquisitor Balthazar.

Who are we.

[Bill] Please to meet you. Handshake? Ha! Rather not.

For the life that he took from me, three centuries ago.

[Kevin] Ah he tenses up weird when he's doing his kegels.

According to the evidence gathered yesterday it seems

the couple burned to death when that section caught fire right after the explosion.

[Bill] Dang. Hi and Lois is getting dark.

No matter how hard I fight it I'm still convinced

that this Baron Batalia is a bad omen.

You know Patoja as well as Meneses showed up at his house that evening.

They're both dead.

[Mike] It's all here in the "obviously this guy's a serial killer" gazette.

Baron Vitaleas of Estera?

[Kevin] No I'm the butler. Ha ha! Little butler humor there.

Happiness is where you find it you know.

[Bill] Sweet. Here we go.

Best part of any Law and Order is watching the cops

wait patiently to interview a suspect. I'm loving it.

[Mike] Ah just one of those boxes for brain goo. Dammit! We need a clue!

[Kevin] High ceilings, big kitchen. Lots of room for little brainiacs to play.

[Bill] Highlights for children? Hmm. No. Ugh. Highlights for children?

[Mike] Well I found a book too.

[Kevin] A travel version of battleship? The kids are gonna lose it when they see this!

[Bill] Okay let's see. Be sure to drink your ovaltine? Oh for the love of crap!

[Mike] Dramatic music and there he is. There he, there he is. There he is.

♪♪♪ Is there something I can do for you gentlemen?

[Kevin] Perhaps get you an enormous candlestick holder?

I'm sorry to bother you but I need some vital information.

[Bill] It's about a conspiracy.

You most likely heard all about the murders that I traced to some mad killer.

[Mike] Looks like Hugh Hefner swallowed George C. Scott.

Yes I heard about the killings.

But who's the murderer?

Did you find that out?

Baron that's precisely the thing I'm investigating.

[Kevin] Ah. Trying to FIND the killer. Brilliant.

Just a few days ago Entora was killed. That great historian.

[Bill] Sorry. My third ball dropped. Voice got deeper.

Last night they set fire to the foundry and that Louis Meneses and his wife died

under circumstances that seemed to be related.

[Mike] And did you know that burnt bodies go squish when you touch them.

And it's super grody but fun.

Such a good man. What a pity.

Couple of nights ago he was here at the house.

That's why I came here to visit you Baron.

Because since you're a friend of his I thought you'd give me

some information that could turn out to be useful.

[Kevin] So like the opposite of his (indistinct).

Inspector but I think I'd better tell you that I wasn't

really friendly with any of the victims.

[Bill] Total dick actually.

Friends in Europe.

I sent invitations out to the whole group automatically but.

As you know inspector I just recently came to live here.

[Mike] Found this ancestral castle on Craigslist.

I recall you mentioned that fact the other night.

Much obliged Baron.

Now excuse me please.

Not a thing inspector.

Call on me whenever you like.

[Kevin] Tell Dangerfield here he can go to hell.

Will not have the occasion of seeing the families.

Please be so kind as to give them my sympathy.

That's quite impossible.

There's no one left to feel sorry for now.

Excuse me please. Come on Benny.

[Bill] Yes. Every single person who wronged you

had only ONE descendant over the past three hundred years.

Not several thousand like you might expect.

[Mike] Uh. He just realized he forgot to try to

see the future with those dead bodies

or dogmatize anything at all. What a wasted day.

[Kevin] The dramatic, suddenly unable to remember if

he renewed his Triple A membership before the deadline theme.

[Bill] First rule of suspense, keep showing the same exact stuff

over and over again and acting like it is STILL suspenseful.

[Mike] Silly guy from 1661 thought that thing was a microwave.

[Kevin] He's just a fish out of water. Trying to get by in a world he never made.

[Bill] Don't trip, don't trip. Don't trip. Swiffers for brains

stuff won't be invented for at least thirty more years.

[Mike] He's uh? He's just moving it to another location twenty feet away.

That's what we're watching.

[Kevin] Next thrill as he moves the guest towels to the master bath. THEN

decides they were better where they were in the first place.

[Bill] That's A LOT of maggots. Guess I should have considered a lid.

[Mike] Okay so he sucks the goop out through two small holes in the neck

[Kevin] Mm hmm.

[Mike] Then I guess stores it inside of himself somewhere without eating it.

[Bill] Yes. Yes.

[Mike] Then excretes it back out.

And somehow painstakingly reconstructs the original brains.

[Kevin] Then puts them in a candy dish. and moves them around a lot.

What's your question?

[Mike] Huh. I guess I don't have one. (Bill laughs)

Now that all the wedding guests have gone, may I offer my congratulations.

And wish you all kinds of joy.

Sorry I wasn't able to get here on time.

But I had some affairs to handle.

[Bill] Also a wedding scene would have put us way over budget.

Thank you for present Baron.

It was the best. Truly it was.

Gratified to hear it. It was a pleasure.

Please come and visit us whenever you can.

We'll be waiting.

Thank you. I'd like to visit you.

[Kevin] How about tonight?

In a hurry. Going by plane?

There's going to be a short delay Baron.

I'm closing a big business deal this week.

But I'll call you as soon as we get back to the city next month.

Excellent. I wish you the best of luck.

[Mike] And the brain bowl I gave you as a wedding gift? Hand wash only.

Please excuse us.

[Kevin] We have to thank our many other creepy Baron friends.

You couldn't make the wedding. That's too bad Baron.

Ana Louisa asked for you.

Yes I explained and they forgave me.

[Bill] Is the holy mother going to be part of this conversation?

[Kevin] Why not? Throw in a little more weirdness just for good measure.

...that disappeared has us going crazy.

The professors are shut in in the observatory.

She and I are always at his side.

You mean to say you're still hoping this strange comet is going to reappear?

Certainly, we saw it once.

Vicky was there. Yes.

It appeared the same night we ran into you out there in the woods.

[Mike] Remember you had brain all over your jacket?

We became friends then, did we not?

Now you're flattering us Baron.

Surely you know now that a lunatic killed the Pentojas and the Menesis

[Bill] Smooth segway there buddy.

I heard about the tragedies.

A horrible thing.

[Kevin] Uh Vicky you want to join us?

Or are you good hovering at the edge of the frame?

Together at your house. You remember don't you Baron?

They were dead two days later. Strange isn't Baron?

Just a minute. You mean to say a brilliant scientist like you is superstitious?

Not superstition really.

It's only. Curiosity.

[Mike] Well, let's just, end this, scene.

[Bill] All right! Hey. Wait. Her nightgown is sturdier than a hazmat suit.

(Mike laughs)

[Kevin] Baron's a big fan of multi-layered lingerie.

Baron!

[Mike] Yeah just came in here to space out for a moment.

You didn't knock. And I didn't hear you enter.

Anything I can do for you?

Taking a bath now.

[Bill] It's his 5th! Starting to suspect he's gay.

Baron? Please. I'm frightened. Can't you explain this?

[Kevin] Uh I set my keys on the dresser and then I took a phone call.

[Mike] Let me just look under the bed one more time. Hmm.

Can you hear? Help! Help me!

[Bill] Just starting another bath honey. I'll be there in a sec.

♪♪♪ Fran!

[Bill] Yep. One more bath and it's time for having a lot of that, you know, sex.

Can you hear?

[Kevin] Just shaving my legs darling.

(knocking on door)

[Mike] He always looks like someone who's just seen a New Yorker cartoon.

Fran help!

[Mike] Huh. Amusing.

(screaming)

[Bill] (bubbly underwater voice) This is my last bath. I swear.

(screaming)

[Kevin] Ah still less screaming than when my wife

saw me in the shower for the first time.

Your forefather was a judge.

The inquisitor del Vivar was at the trial and ordered me to be burned.

And you Ana Luisa del Vivar have to pay the penalty.

[Mike] It's a thirty dollar fine!

But I certainly don't expect you to pay it all at once. I mean.

You're just starting out in life. It's hard I know. I'll tell you what.

Why don't I just suck your brains out and we'll call it even?

[Bill] Oh! What a relief, Thought it was going to be something

scary rather than ridiculously childishly laughable.

[Kevin] Okay look at this. There's your rabbit. Now watch me do my doggy!

[Mike] Okay, k, k.

Alright it says I'm supposed to put my leg up.

You put your hands in your pockets and then we start the scene. K, start scene.

Weird guy in background, staring. Okay, got it.

Thank you. Come on.

[Bill] Gonna go put my leg up in another room now.

[Kevin] (laughs) Nice plywood joints in that, uh, cave.

[Mike] Wow. This cave smells musty and dank. Very very humid.

Slightly sulfurous And oh. That's your suit jacket. Sorry.

[Bill] Okay, walk to plaster of paris wall. Stop.

Write on notepad. Resume scene. Got it.

[Kevin] Following another guy around watching him work.

Must have hired him away from a road construction crew.

[Mike] Isn't there a Mexican law against using

a tension sting when showing the exact same shot

you've been showing for the last ten minutes?

Hey chief. I think it would be a good idea to

get out this, this dripping apartment house?

Come on Benny.

[Bill] I'm gonna kill you outside. Gah! Benny! (guys laugh)

The same twin orifices in the cranium and

the victim's brains have been sucked out.

[Kevin] That's it? One of my most dramatic deliveries. Kind of hoped for more?

[Mike] Special agent Benny.

Balthazar Meneses.

Alvaro Contragas. Sebastian al Patoa.

[Bill] But do you mind me reading the baby names my wife and I are considering?

Luis Meneses.

Indalecio Patoja.

Ana Luisa del Vivar.

Victoria Contreras.

[Kevin] Think mustache. Think!

When I finish the doing autopsies I'll send you

back the information you'll be needing.

I'll be back doctor.

[Mike] Just gotta keep an appointment to kill Benny.

I'm sure they haven't separated inspector.

Now let's see. They must have left about an hour ago.

Are you concerned?

Professor it's very urgent that we find these two right away.

Any minute now they could be dead.

[Bill] We hit them with our squad car and they crawled away.

Ronny and Victoria were invited to dinner tonight.

And their host is Baron Battilias d'Estera. On Falcon Hill.

Thank you professor.

We'd better make it snappy. Come on.

[Kevin] If we don't walk around slowly

while writing crap into a notepad there's no telling what can happen.

I suppose we're going to the Baron's house chief.

You're brilliant. First to headquarters.

You like speed so much. Just stay on that accelerator.

Okay.

[Mike] So, ARE we going to the Baron's?

[Bill] Of course moron. Now get to headquarters.

Are you still having that pain Baron?

It gets better as each day goes by.

You're taking care yourself?

All that's necessary Victoria. All that's necessary.

[Kevin] The Baron then went on to give a lengthy,

highly detailed description of his salt water enemas.

Sooner to locate the comet of 1661.

You're too impatient. Try to calm down.

[Mike] All that screaming.

Have to wait another twenty minutes.

Meanwhile I'll go for my medicine.

Excuse me please.

[Bill] If you can snare an invite from the Baron, you

know you are in for a WILD time!

[Kevin] Whoo!

[Kevin] So his evil plan hinges on the assumption his guests

will never swivel their heads slightly to the left or the right?

[Mike] Get some music? Or?

[Bill] Ooo. One, two, three, four. Dammit! The butler ate one of my brains!

My favorite one, too!

[Kevin] You guys having as much fun as I am?

[Kevin] Mmm. Bring out the scattergories. It's gonna be off the hook.

[Mike] Gross! Medicine is terrible. It's not creamy and brain like at all!

[Bill] Should I run out and get snacks? Or? I don't know.

[Kevin] I really gotta move this thing to one of my 63 private rooms.

Ah Miranda.

I just remembered that you two planned to be married very soon now.

Surely you'll permit me on this occasion to give Victoria a jewel.

[Mike] Surely that's not as weird as hell.

Please. You might call it an expression of

affection and friendship a lonely man shows.

Baron, you're overwhelming us with your kindness.

[Bill] Walking away, leaving us sitting alone awkwardly. So KIND!

Permit me.

Can't you wait a little while?

[Kevin] The party's just rolling.

Don't forget there's a twenty minute wait before you can locate the comet.

The jewels are in my office and I'd like Victoria to choose anything she desires.

You shouldn't influence her.

[Mike] So he eats human brains in the common area

but giving away jewels is an intensely private act.

You don't trust me?

[Bill] Come on. I'm the guy you met in the woods!

Be completely confident of Battilias of Estera.

[Kevin] Now you keep that in mind while I'm in my office nailing your fiancèe.

[Mike] You'll hear some strange noises as she chooses her favorite precious gems.

But just ignore those.

[Bill] The Baron! What a great guy!

[Kevin] Wait a minute. Is that a BRAIN cabinet?

[Mike] Yep. The top is beveled just like you'd expect from a brain cabinet.

[Bill] Watch the second dumbest man in Mexico investigate the Baron.

[Kevin] Wait. Who's the? Oh. Benny.

[Bill] Right. Yep.

[Mike] This film has more cabinet action than the cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

They're lovely aren't they?

[Kevin] The lobes of your brain I mean.

However you.

None can compare with your tender gaze.

[Bill] You think I'm gay?

It's too bad you can't be mine alone.

[Mike] Or mine at all even.

I long to love you and adore you above all. I swear it.

But there's no way now.

My hate is much stronger than my love.

Like a master no one can control!

[Kevin] That's the speech I gave about halfway through a KFC double down.

[Bill] Oh. I feel terrible that I suspected anything untoward of

Such a WARM wonderful man as the Baron.

[Mike] He's the best.

Why did destiny elect you?

[Mike] Why not Beyonce?

Why? I want to know.

Victoria Contreras.

[Kevin] Running?

The descendant of that accursed inquisitor.

Alvaro Contreras.

[Kevin] Uh, screaming.

Three hundred years ago that man ordered me burned.

Yes me. I'm Battilias d'Estera.

[Kevin] Maybe driving a knee sharply into his vitals. None of these are options?

And you are the last living descendant.

Do you understand?

[Kevin] Nope. Just standing there. Gonna go with that? Yeah.

[Bill] What are you in the lookout for? A passing marching band?

The guy lives alone in a creepy old castle.

[Mike] Oh. I'm in here!

[Kevin] What? What? Do I have something?

Is this supposed to hypnotize me?

Because you just look sleepy.

[Bill] Well short of him having a warm bowl of brains in here,

I think I can forgive him his little.

What the hell?!!

[Mike] Her reaction? Exactly the same as when he offered her a free jewel.

(screaming)

[Kevin] He just made a crude come on to her that included the phrase Baron

Von Munchausen.

(screaming) Ronny! Ronny!

♪♪♪ Get away from her!

I must carry out my revenge!

Your ancestor defended me three hundred years ago!

Don't make me forget it.

Nothing can stop me!

[Bill] Except perhaps a mild effort on your part.

Run!

[Mike] Heh. heh. Ha ha. How do you like these? Gonna pinch your ass. Ha ha.

[Kevin] Ha ha. Where do I go? Who's this? Am I gonna pinch now?

You'll never see it coming here. Where did she go? What the hell?

(screaming)

[Bill] Benny. He just does that to any old guy he sees. (Kevin laughs)

(screaming)

[Mike] Ah. On their way over they stopped by headquarters

and then a world war two trench in the pacific.

[Kevin] My god. What kind of monster can pull off

a snappy double breasted suit like that?

[Bill] Ah ha. That comet actually swings back here next week, so.

See you Tuesday?

[Mike] One! One nipple seared off from the volcanic heat! Ah ha ha!

Two. Two nipples. Ah forget it.

[Bill] Sooooomoking! Ha ha.

(slaps)

[Kevin] Ow! Ow! Hey hey! Take it out on the Baron not me! Ow!

[Bill] Give my brain in a bowl to Brain Guy.

[Mike] No I'm fine.

My xenical just happened to kick in at an inopportune time.

But I'm thin and fit and feeling better than ever!

[Kevin] Thin everyone! Thin. [Bill] Thin.