All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S07E17.Sweet.Charity.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS-ing

- No, no.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

The problem,
it's with your satellite.

I was--I was
in the middle of the movie,

and it went out
for 23 minutes,

and now I missed
the middle of the movie,

and the ending,
it doesn't make sense.

Like, who the hell is that guy?

- Hi!

- Wait!

Yes, yes.
It's back on right now.

But I don't know
what's happening.

oh, look at this.

Why is she shooting him?

They were in love!

Just--

forget about it.

My whole evening is ruined.

Okay, thank you.

Bunch of drunks.

- Another stressful night
of watching TV, ray.

- It's not funny.

I was emotionally hooked.

- Oh, honey.

- What are you
so happy about?

- Nothing. We had a great night
at our church meeting.

It was all about signing up

for different
community services.

- Oh, god.

- I signed up
for a couple of things.

- Oh, okay.
So we're covered.

- And I thought
it might be nice

if you would volunteer
to help some people in need.

- That's not really
my thing.

- You might want
to make it your thing,

because
I signed you up too.

- What?

- Yeah, one hour a week
at St. Theresa's hospital.

- An hour?

- Yes, this is about
giving your time,

getting involved.

- Look,
I'll write 'em a check.

- No, ray,
it's not about money.

- Oh, no?

Listen, money talks,

and we all know
what walks, okay?

Believe me, they'll be
very happy with my $20.

- All right,
you know what?

Just forget it.

- You see? This is what
I don't like about charities.

It's all about making
people feel guilty.

- What? What did I do?

I'm not trying
to make you feel guilty.

I asked you to volunteer
for something.

You refused.

Your guilt is your own.

- You know how to work it.

- Look, ray,

all I'm saying is
that I just really love

the charities
that I'm involved with,

and I feel like
we have a lot,

and I really enjoy
giving something back.

I mean,
that's what people do.

- No, they don't!

- All right, you know what?

I'm not gonna
argue with you.

If you don't want
to volunteer at the hospital,

you don't have to.

This is
between you and him.

- Oh, you are shameless!

don't--

don't bring him into it,
okay?

That's not going to
work with me.

Take it back!

Hi.

Hi, uh,
I'm here to volunteer.

- Oh, are you
with the church program?

- Yeah.
Yeah, ray barone.

I signed up 'cause...

That's what I'm all about.

- Great. If you'll
just sign these papers.

- Here's some type "o"
for the fridge.

- Sir?
Sir, you okay?

- Yes, I'm okay.
I'm all right.

I'm fine.

- What's with him?

- He's here to help out.

- Ohh.

- Let's put
these things away.

- Okay.

- Here, sit down.

Take a breath.

Breathe through your mouth.

- You sure you want
to volunteer in a hospital?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Ohh.

I'm okay.

- Hey, are you ray barone,
the sportswriter?

- Yeah, yeah.

- And you've never
seen blood before?

- Sure.
Just not "to go."

Look, uh...

I'm all right,
though, now.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, no.

I'm totally fine,
and I want to volunteer,

so...
So, uh, what do I do?

- You know
Mrs. gorman in 408?

Maybe he could
help out with her.

- I think she already knows
how to fall down.

- No, she likes baseball.

He might be able
to talk about sports,

cheer her up,

get her
to take her pills.

She's kind of
a lonely old lady.

You want to try it?

- Yeah, okay. Sure.

So just talk to her
and tell her to take her pills?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Right in there?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

She's not bleeding,
is she?

- Why didn't you
just write a check?

- If you the angel of death,
I'm ready.

- No. No.

No, no. I'm not
the angel of death.

- Then you could use a mint.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm ray.
I'm helping out here today.

So I hear
you like baseball.

- What are you doing?

- I'm ray barone.

I'm a sportswriter
for New York newsday.

- Oh, yeah?
Can you fix a radio?

- What do you mean?

- What do you think it means

when somebody says
they need their radio fixed?

- No, I've come here
to just talk to you--

you know, cheer you up.

- They finally send
a man in here, and it's you.

- All right,
listen, Mrs. gorman,

I was just seeing if

maybe I could get you
to take your pills.

- Fix my radio,
I'll take a pill.

- I don't know how
to fix a radio.

- Then you've used up
what's left of my life

for nothing.

- Okay, then.

Well, nice
talking to you, ma'am.

- You sit
in the press box?

- What, at the game?
Yeah.

- I've never sat
in a press box before.

- Well, um, if you want
to sit in a press box,

you've got to get better.

And if you want
to get better...

You've got
to take your pills.

- Oh, you tricky,
tricky white boy.

- Okay, got your new plunger.

- Oh, thanks, Robert.

Michael flushed
an action figure.

- What are you
feeding that kid?

So where's ray?

- At the hospital again.

He's up to three nights a week.
He's a big hit there.

I guess 'cause he writes
for newsday, he's a celebrity.

- Yeah? What is it,
a mental hospital?

- No, you know, it's nice.

It's just that
he's gone all the time.

- So what are you saying,
you miss him?

- Yeah, when I need
the toilet plunged.

- Did Raymond get back yet?
I've got ravioli.

- And I've got
my stretchy pants on.

- Marie, why did you make
ravioli?

I was going to cook.

- Oh, I just thought Raymond
should have something nice.

Raymond's doing such good things
at the hospital.

Lee's nephew needed a cast,

and Raymond cheered him up

by blowing up
a surgical glove.

Can you imagine?

- He's a genius!

- Hey.

- Hi, Raymond.
- How's it going?

- He's here.
Let's eat.

- Raymond,

Lee told me about
your wonderful glove trick.

- Yeah, I'm a tricky,
tricky white boy.

Hey, look
what they gave me.

- "Authorized personnel"?

- That's right.
I can go anywhere.

And if I'm
exposed to radiation,

this changes color.

- Ohh!

- You know, I make
some of the rounds

with some of the nurses.

I give them
a few humorous anecdotes.

They even said

I could entertain
in the geriatric ward.

- You're practically
a doctor!

- Yeah, ma, you can either
go to medical school

or blow up a glove.

- Turns out I've got

kind of a touch
with the patients, you know?

I've had a lot of practice

dealing with
difficult personalities.

- Yes, he has.

- I always knew
you had it in you, Raymond,

and here it is.

You've blossomed
into a humanitarian.

- Wow.
Glad I brought this.

- Hey, ray, the next time
you go to the hospital,

get me some of those
extra-long q-tips,

the kind you can
really crank on.

- I'm gonna get you
something to eat, dear.

It's time somebody
did something for you.

- You know what?

I serve the public
too, you know, ma.

- don't brag, Robbie.
It's not becoming.

- When are you going back there?
- Thursday.

- Ray, Thursday?

- Yeah, they want me
to do a sports talk.

- But Thursday I do my thing
at the homeless shelter.

- Oh. Well, ma,
can you babysit?

- I'd love to, dear,
but I have my folk dancing.

- Well, I got an idea.

Why don't you do your thing
on another night?

- Because I've
made a commitment.

- Yeah, but this is
for the hospital.

- Right, and my thing
is for the homeless.

- I'm helping sick people.

- Are you saying your charity's
better than mine?

- Oh, you are
so disgusting!

Debra is the real humanitarian
in this family,

and everybody knows

that homeless
kicks hospital butt!

- But Raymond's doing
very important work.

- But Deborah's been
doing her charity stuff

for a long time.

Raymond's just
a good-doer-come-lately.

- Listen, Robert,
he should go.

I'm the one that
wanted him to do this,

and I'm glad he got involved,
so go ahead, ray.

- Really? Yeah?

- The hospital wins!

And who knows how many
spirits will be lifted

just because
my son was there?

You are a son...

Who truly shines!

And so it is my honor

to present you
with this award.

- Hey, how's it going?

- You can come in.
There's no blood.

- Good. Good.

Hey.

I thought I'd see
who's in the lounge

and maybe give
a little talk about baseball.

- Oh, well, actually,

we already have
some entertainment for tonight.

- Now, now,
traffic cop Timmy.

The food at the hospital
isn't that bad.

- Yeah, you're right.
It's fit for a king.

Here, king!
Come on, boy!

Here, boy!
Where are you?

- All right, Timmy.

- Now, Timmy,
that's a little rude.

These kind people didn't
come here to get insulted.

- Then maybe they should
close their robes.

- What are you doing?

- Now, Timmy, it won't do
to have you talk like that

while you're on duty,

so let me
remove your badge.

- Gentle.
It's nailed on.

I hope the doctors here
have some wood glue.

- That doesn't make sense.
It's not a wood puppet.

- Shh!

- All right.
Now I can loosen up.

Hello, doll face.
What's your name?

- Margaret.

- You're a real looker.

Maybe if you break your hip,
I can be your splint.

Ha-cha-cha-cha!

- Easy, Timmy!
I'm sorry.

- He's not wood.
He's made of plastic.

- Hey, folks,
what do you think

this guy's doing
in the hospital, huh?

Probably dropped in

for an emergency
nose reduction.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my cousin Pinocchio!

- All right, all right!
Great show!

Officer barone
and his plastic puppet,

everybody.

Yeah, okay.
Thank you for filling in.

All right, hey.

Want to see something funny?

I know
what to do with this.

Hey, it's a balloon!

Whoop--it's a Turkey!
Gobble gobble gobble!

Hey, hey, everybody,
I'm milking myself.

- Boo!

- Yes, madam,
I agree with you.

This guy's act
is a "do not resuscitate."

So what does a guy
have to do

to get a sponge bath
around here?

Thank you.
You've been great.

Remember to tip your nurses.

- If you three
don't go to bed right now,

I'm...Just...

Oh, who cares?

- You know what Robert is?

He's a competitive,
selfish,

little, tiny,
pea-brained giant,

and a hack!

- What are you talking about?

- He waited
till there was an opening,

then snuck into the hospital
to steal my thunder.

- Why was Robert
at the hospital?

- To steal my thunder!

He--he comes in there

with his idiotic
little Timmy doll

and his lame jokes

and his lips
moving all around.

Raymond, what, are you here for,

your emergency
nose reduction?

Timmy said that to you?

- It's not funny.
It's stupid.

And they were all
laughing at it, all of them--

the nurses, the patients--

like the funniest thing
they ever heard.

If that's what they want,
they can have it.

I'm not going
back to that place.

Saint stupid, stupid hospital
for the incurably stupid.

- So you're quitting?

- Yes. Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

I quit.

- Well, if you don't think
you should go back,

then you shouldn't go.

Well, I don't, so I won't!

He doesn't even bother

to dress the dummy up
like a doctor or a nurse.

He's such a hack!

- You know what?

You put in
so much time over there.

You should just stay here,
where you're appreciated.

- Damn straight!

- As a matter of fact, you know
what I would appreciate?

The kids are still
running around upstairs.

Could you go
and tie them to their beds?

- Yeah.
Yeah, all right.

- Oh, and tomorrow night,
if it's okay,

Amy asked me to go out
to dinner and a movie.

- So you're all right with me
quitting this charity thing?

- Hey, charity begins
at home.

- Yeah, but I was
helping people, you know?

I shouldn't let Robert
spoil that for everybody.

What I was doing
in the hospital,

it's important,
and I was good at it.

- Yeah. But you're
quitting, right?

- When I go in there
to volunteer,

you should see how happy
everybody is to see me--

The nurses, the patients.

You know
they all give me stuff?

Even the sick people,

when they get
their gift baskets

from people who
don't want to visit them,

there's always a cookie
or a brownie

or a nice piece
of fruit for me.

You know,
the cafeteria staff,

they're always
bringing me jell-o.

And you know that pimple
on the back of my neck

that won't go away?

Doctor's gonna give me
a cream for that for free!

- Oh, my god!

- I know!
It's amazing, right?

- No!

You're not there for them.

You're there for you!

You're doing this
for all the wrong reasons.

- I'm doing it
for your reasons.

You're the one
who signed me up.

- I signed you up
to help other people,

not to help yourself
to free fruit and pimple cream.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, look who it is.

Where's
your little boyfriend?

- Raymond, look,
I'm sorry

what happened tonight
at the hospital.

It's just that
Timmy gets on a roll,

and it's kind of hard
to stop him.

Look. Here.

I brought you a pineapple.

Mrs. deets can't take
all the acidity.

- I don't want
your pineapple.

I was feeling pretty good
about myself

until you showed up
with your little evil plan

to take away
my gift of giving.

- Evil plan?
- That's right!

- There was no plan.

Debra just suggested

I go over there
with traffic cop Timmy

- Robert, maybe you should
just leave ray alone.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
"Debra suggested"?

You sent him in there?

- Ray...

I just...

Come on!

- Oh, oh, ohh!

Dirty laundry
is coming home to roost!

- What are you talking about?

- You wanted him
to take my place, right,

so I could stay home

and you could
pretty yourself up

and go out on the town

with your face painted
and your gewgaws!

Yeah.

You don't care
about the old or the sick.

You don't care
that their entertainment now

is a large man
with his hand

up the behind
of a small plastic man!

- Ray, you were spending
all your time there.

You were never here.

- I was doing charity,

and because
it wasn't convenient for you,

you wanted me to stop.

- Ray, all I did--
- bhup bhup bhup bhup!

I don't think
you should be talking to me.

I think you should be
talking to...

- But I--
- bhup!

- Robert, why did you
have to say that?

- Is that why
you really wanted me

to entertain
at the hospital?

You said I should go there
because I was a...

Great ventriloquist.

- You are, Robert.

Debra!

- Oh, Robert,
look, I'm sorry.

- No, no. It's okay.

You don't have to
apologize to me.

- But, Robert, I--

- and for your information,

I got laughs.

I got real laughs.

I tore the roof
off the sucker.

When you're smiling

when you're smiling

the whole world
smiles with you

come on, everybody!

When you're laughing

when you're laughing

the sun comes
shining through

- where's Timmy?

Bring on the rain

so stop your sighing

be happy again

when you're smi--

hey, where you going?