All language subtitles for The Conners s06e08 Toilet Hacks.eng

Okay. I finished Dad's cake.

Made it just the way he likes:

a layer of cake, sausage, cake,

bacon, cake, ham, frosting.

It's basically a frosted pig.

Well, I hope he gets here soon,

'cause I gotta run back
to the cafeteria

and try to undo
this crappy menu.

It's unhealthy food,

but the good news is
it's prepared badly.

So why do you have to do it?

Isn't that one of the perks of
being a bottom-rung lunch lady

in a dead-end job?

What? I said "perks."

Well, talk to
the person in charge.

Make some changes.

Shake things up.

Rattle some cages.

You know what? Jackie's right.
I gotta do something more.

I'm not wired to just sit around

when I could be getting
better food for these kids.

And that place is run
so horribly.

-[sighs] Hey.
-Hey.

How did the parents
at the PTA meeting react

to you running
for the school board?

My big pitch was that I'd have
more time for the kids

'cause I don't have any,

but most of the moms
just muttered,

"Oh, that's how
she can look like that."

You may be too pretty to win.

That's why I never went
into politics.

Oh, yeah.

That and the only time
you voted was for Zendaya

on Dancing with the Stars.

You see? [whispers]
It's still happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're all pretty.

Uh, right now, we have a lot of
work to do before Dan gets home.

Uh, look around, detective.

We've already done it.

Yeah. And now we have to
take it all down.

Last night,
I was talking to Dan,

and he was adamant
about not making a big deal

over his 70th birthday.

We know he doesn't like it.

That's why we do it.

Look, look.
He's already on edge.

This morning, I saw him standing
on the curb screaming,

"Don't move those lawn chairs.

I'll kill anybody who takes
my parking space."

Well, you better hurry,

because his truck is nudging
the lawn chairs

out of the way right now.

All right. Come on.

Let's go, people.
We gotta do this.

[whistles]

Why are you all standing
in the living room?

Haven't you heard?

Sitting is the new cancer.

And why is there a cake?

Well, we're just
celebrating football

and the fact that we love
cake with a cake.

Happy football.

Why have we never
done this before?

And why are we doing it
on my birthday?

-It's your birthday? What?
-Oh, what?

No. It is so unimportant,

we don't even wanna
remember your birthday.

Actually, I'm annoyed
you brought it up.

Well, you're gonna be
more annoyed,

because I found a reason
to celebrate.

He wants to celebrate.

-Surprise!
-[Jackie] Surprise!

And this isn't really
a football cake.

It's a birthday cake.

Boo, football. Yay, birthday.

Yay.

I'm gonna start taking
my social security

and my union pension.

Yep.

I beat the system by being poor

and living longer than
the government thought I would.

[scoffs] Dan, this is amazing.

We've been working
so hard for so long.

Now we can finally
have some fun.

No.

I got bigger and better things
playing for that money.

If I can scratch up
another ten grand,

I'm in striking distance
of paying off this house.

-[Louise gasps]
-Wow.

So, you're gonna own it
before it's just mold

in the shape of a house?

It'll be a race.

Happy birthday, Grandpa.

Too late. We moved past
birthday. We're onto houses now.

We dodged whether he's happy
or unhappy about this day,

so don't start bringing up stuff
that's gonna cause problems.

Okay. Grandpa, there's, um,
some neutral circus peanuts

for you on the table.

They're neither happy nor sad.

Sorry I was late.

Some guys at the dorm stole
all the toilet seats

to stair surf.

And since I'm the janitor,

I'm supposed to replace them,

but I have no idea how to do it.

Oh, toilet seats are easy.
I can teach you.

Passing down toilet knowledge?

Give me a minute.
I'm getting emotional.

[Louise] Here's a crazy thought.

What if you taught
basic home repairs

to this entitled,
helpless generation?

Sounds like a great idea.

Yeah, we could get the word out
to the neighbors

by putting flyers
in their post boxes

and then stapling the rest
to the telephone poles.

Or we could put it on a scroll

and have it announced
by the town crier.

Or we could join
the 21st century

and put it on the Nextdoor app.

I don't know.

Every time we're mentioned
on Nextdoor, it starts with,

"Whose turn is it to talk
to the hillbillies about..."

uh, fill in the blank.

The last one was about
some guy in his underpants

chasing around loose chickens
in his front yard.

First of all,
it was an emergency.

Secondly, I wasn't chasing.
I was herding.

The chicks had gotten out,

and they were about
to cross the road,

and I was not about to be
the butt of a very old joke.

Ah, thank you.

[laughs]

[Jackie] The Conners
is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Okay. Now, who can show me
where the bolts are

that hold the seat
on this toilet--

courtesy of Olinsky Hardware
for all your hardware needs

and protein bars.

Ooh, I know.

No, no. The owner of
the store may not answer.

[chuckles]

-Oh, wow.
-Ooh, nice.

Hey. Pay attention
so you learn something.

You don't wanna end up
useless like your father.

I know how the toilet can be
emotionally triggering,

but let's hold that thought,

and let's keep getting
our learning on, yo.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Finally got
that fancy centerpiece

I've been dreaming about.

[chuckles] This is my wife,
Louise, everybody.

And don't worry, honey,
the toilet's never been used.

Hmm. Although, a few old folks
at the store sat on it,

but just to see
if they could get back up.

Yeah, you just unscrew
a couple of bolts,

and the seat comes right off.

Next, I'll show you

how to break into your own
garage if your clicker's broken.

Or if you're feeling frisky,

break into your neighbor's
garage and sit in their new car.

I gotta get to soccer practice.

-You don't play soccer.
-I'm gonna join.

I'd rather be hit in the head
with a ball than do this again.

[chuckles]

All right. [sighs]

I'm gonna get this back
to the store. [chuckles]

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I-- I should have known that
teenagers just don't wanna learn

to fix anything
around the house.

[sighs] We took a shot.

I was just hoping we could
pay off the house faster.

I guess it's back to modeling.

I thought I'd worn
my last Speedo.

Uh.

[chuckles] Y-Yeah.

You're right.

You have.

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

I'm looking for Marjorie,
the school nutritionist.

You found her.

Oh, hi. I'm Darlene.

I-I'm glad you're finally in.

You are in, right?
It's kind of dark in here.

I don't like to turn on lights.

It attracts people.

Anyway, I work on the line
in the cafeteria.

Oh, God. You're not leaving.

All right.

Turn on the lights.

[grunts]

I will just be a second.

So I've worked here
for a while now,

and I have some ideas
about how we could improve

the quality of the food.

Darlene,

I've run food services
at this school since 1965.

This nutrition chart gave
our boys

the energy to beat
the Germans in WW two.

I think it'll give
our students the stamina

to play beer pong till 3:00 a.m.

Uh, that chart has butter
as its own food group.

You're one of
those "change" people.

No, it's-- it's not radical.

All we've gotta do is serve
healthier ingredients

that the kids
actually wanna eat.

Then we just run
the kitchen more efficiently,

and we can actually save
a lot of money.

I don't have time
for all of this.

Talk to the manager.

We don't have a manager.
How do you not know that?

Lot of people think
I'm not here.

I don't get a lot of news.

Okay. Well,
we've got ten employees

in desperate need
of supervision.

Have you ever been convicted
of a child-related crime?

What? No.

Fine. You're the manager.

Are you serious?

I'll give you a month.

If you can cut
the budget by 25%,

we'll make it permanent,
and I'll give you a raise.

W-- Oh, wow. Yes, I'm in.

That's amazing. Thank you.

But we're gonna replace you
on the line,

so if you fail,
you're on the street.

Well, I get a tuition break
for my son. What about that?

It's gone. Maybe you should
have thought of that

before you so recklessly
climbed the corporate ladder.

Well, no, then
I-I don't want the job.

It's too late.
I already put in the paperwork.

That's impossible.

I've been here the whole time.

I'm the only one
who has to approve it.

So, I imagined it, I signed it,
and I told myself, "good job."

Anyway, welcome to the team.

Did I mention
I never wanna see you again

unless it's to fire you?

No, you didn't,
but I had a feeling.

I'll turn out the light.

Feel free to go back
to hanging from the ceiling.

Now we know where to find
the reset button

on the garbage disposal.

Now, if you'll meet me
in the front yard,

I'll show you how putting your
lawn furniture in the street

can save your parking spot.

Great.

Wow.

You got quite the turnout.

That must make you feel good.

Yeah, it turns out the moms
really wanted the classes,

and they told their friends.

I got so many calls, I had to
add three night classes.

So, you're gonna work all day
at the hardware store

and then work
all night doing this?

Yeah. I'll be exhausted,

but it'll be a good exhausted
when I pay off the house.

-[sighs]
-Oh.

You know, paying off
the house is huge,

but you have to make
some time for yourself.

I was gonna make
your favorite dinner tonight.

You know, something brown
with something white.

[chuckles]

Well, I won't be done
with classes in time,

but it won't be long

before a home-cooked meal
was actually cooked in our home,

as opposed to Citibank's home,

which sold it to Chase,
which sold it to State Farm,

which sold it to, if I remember
my paperwork, SmileDirectClub.

Who are you people?

We're students at
Stephen A. Douglas and Ned.

Darlene invited
the cafeteria staff here

to talk about how
we're gonna run things

now that she's the manager.

She's your boss?

My condolences.

She's hypercritical,
controlling and annoying.

I whipped up
some delicious vegan snacks.

And there's no such thing,
so I'm right behind her

with something
you actually wanna eat.

Thank you for coming.

I know we don't all work
the same shifts,

but I am looking forward
to hearing your ideas

about how we can work
more efficiently.

I'm Ashley.

You probably haven't seen me
'cause I work nights,

and sometimes
I forget to come in

'cause my pharmacy's been
out of Adderall.

And when I have Adderall,
I'm usually late

'cause I log on
to see what time my shift is

and I end up going down
the Tom Holland rabbit hole.

Didn't really hear
an idea there, Ashley.

Uh, what I'm looking for are
ways to save money.

And I don't wanna point fingers,

but there is a lot of waste
in the kitchen.

You mean like when
Bailey didn't show up,

so nobody put the chicken
delivery in the freezer,

and then somebody
called the cops

because it smelled
like a dead body?

Okay. That's finger-pointing.

And we're not doing that.

But, yeah, like that.

[clears throat] Doesn't seem
like you had any trouble

getting that prescription
this week, huh, Ashley? [laughs]

They're all flakes because
they're all on work-study.

They don't show up
half the time.

Why else would we work
there, Ned?

The hours are really flexible.

We can pretty much just show up
whenever we want.

What? So, no one has
a set schedule?

[chuckles] How could she make
things more efficient

when she can't count
on anybody to--

Oh, that's why you
got the job so easy.

I'm screwed.

You're finally starting
to get it, beautiful.

Okay. Very productive meeting.

Thank you, everybody.

[Ben sighs]

See y'all tomorrow
at 7:00 a.m. or whenever.

-Oh, my God. I am such an idiot.
-[sighs]

I just wanted to make
things better at work.

And then my boss,

who's clearly Mary Todd
Lincoln's older, crazier sister,

knew that I was on a suicide
mission, and she set me up.

Uh, hey, look. I knew when you
first took this lunch lady job

that it was going to be
a struggle for you

to be in a position where
you weren't calling the shots.

Yeah. I mean, I-I do like
the idea of being manager.

I don't only wanna be
the boss of you.

I don't want that either.

Oh, hey, Louise.

Could you close for me tonight?

Yeah, sure.

There's a bunch of strangers
in my house anyway.

Dan is getting so popular

that he has classes
every night this week.

Well, if you don't like it,
tell him to stop.

No, I really can't.

It was my idea.

But it's gotten out of control.

I don't think he realizes

that he missed my school board
meet-and-greet last night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So, you don't have kids,

and the person in your life
who has kids isn't showing up?

Are you running on
the "scary loner" platform?

I can't give
the poor guy a hard time.

Last night, he watched three
episodes of the Gilmore Girls

because he was too tired
to reach for the remote.

And it was in his hand.

And it was the Gilmore Girls.

So, how is your veggie burger?

That's not how you
comfort somebody

who's in a terrible mood.

Sorry.

You're always
in a terrible mood,

so it just seems like--
I don't know-- Wednesday.

Oh, thanks for asking.

It's my staff.
For the last two days,

I've been trying
to get them to work as a team,

but it's useless, because
they're a bunch of entitled,

distracted half-wits.

Hmm.

Maybe it's the way
you're addressing them.

No, no, no, no. The problem is
they're not professionals.

That's what you need.

You need a food service
with real cooks

who are trained to bring in
prepared meals.

And then you save a lot of money
because they know how to portion

for the amount of people
that they're serving,

and there isn't any waste.
[clicks tongue]

Oh, my God. Jackie,
could you do that for me?

Huh? No. Hell, no. No.

It's a lot of work.
We don't have time for that.

But Becky and Louise,
they're part-time,

so if they wanted to help--

And Harris is still learning
how to run this place.

-Becky.
-Yeah?

I love you.

And I love you too.

But my love for you is
very conditional,

and I have a very full life,
so go love somebody else.

Go on. Shoo!

-Oh, Harris.
-Yes?

I love you.

[scoffs] Okay. What do you need?

I told you. Darlene,
she isn't ready.

Not ready for what?

Well, I'm looking
for an outside source

who can prep healthier food
for the cafeteria.

Otherwise,
I'm gonna lose my job,

and Mark's gonna have to
quit school.

[sighs] Well,
how much food do you need?

Well, I need-- Let's see--
200 grass-fed hamburgers,

150 coleslaws, and a hundred
orders of fresh-cut fries.

When do you need it by?

Tomorrow morning.

Okay. I-- I think I can do that.

Harris, that's very sweet,

but you don't know how to work
with these kind of quantities.

No, I wanna do this.

I owe you so much,

and I wanna pay that back

so that the next time
you try to guilt me,

I can say "hamburgers"
and walk away.

Thank you. You're my hero.

You are so much better
than the kids at my college.

Am I better than Mark?

I can't officially say.

-I love you both equally.
-[chuckles]

No. No, Cindy.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

[sighs] Dan.

Oh, hey.

I don't remember falling asleep.

But if it was before I parked,
that's pretty impressive.

I don't like
where this is going.

I'm starting to worry about you.

You're worried?

I don't remember eating these
fries, and that's not like me.

I try to be
really present for them.

Well, you're not gonna
be present for anything

if you don't slow down.

[clicks tongue] I know
I'm working crazy hours,

but I can actually see
the finish line

where I can leave the house
to the kids with no debt.

This isn't about
the finish line.

I think you are so used
to being behind

that you're uncomfortable unless
you're constantly hustling.

Oh, that's what being broke
your whole life teaches you.

Yeah, but you don't have to
do this all in a month.

You're gonna get there,
just a little slower.

You know, maybe one class
a week, maybe two.

And that way, you can
still enjoy your life

and I can enjoy it with you.

I want that too.

I guess I could back
it off a little.

I've never enjoyed life.

It sounds exciting.

[chuckles]

Maybe hit a movie now and then.

-Dinner and a movie.
-"Dinner and a movie."

I knew it.

-Gold digger.
-[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, if I'm a gold digger,
I'm the worst there's ever been.

[both chuckle]

You know, it's been a long time
since we made out in your truck.

You know, we're gonna pay
for this with our sciatica.

Yeah, it'll be worth it.

Forty-six.

Forty-seven.

-You okay?
-Yeah.

Just having trouble
catching my breath, a little.

Can't seem to get ahead
on this thing.

-Kinda freaking out.
-Hmm.

You've been here
like three hours.

That's why I came back.

But... [sniffs] ...long way
to go to 200 patties.

I know. [sighs]

I-I started cutting up
the cabbage for the coleslaw,

but then I thought
about the potatoes,

so I started peeling those,

but then I realized
the hamburgers were just sitting out,

so I felt I-- I needed
to get back to that.

Oh, I'm not doing anything.

If you-- Would you mind
if I helped?

-Only if you really want to.
-Yeah.

I don't need it.

[breathes shakily]

[sighs]

[sighs] Okay, swap.

-[grunts] There you go.
-[grunting, whimpering]

Hey, I got your text.
What happened?

Sciatica.

Both of you?

[sighs] Yeah,

we got all twisted up
doing martial arts as a couple.

Huh. That's funny,
'cause I read on Nextdoor

that the hillbillies were going
at it in their truck.

[baby giggles]

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