All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] Mallrats 1995 1080p BluRay x265 HEVC 10bit AAC 5.1 Tigole-English

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:19,442 One time, my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. 2 00:00:19,536 --> 00:00:24,281 True story. He bought it at our local mall so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. 3 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,040 It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. 4 00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:29,618 But the next week, he did it again. 5 00:00:29,712 --> 00:00:33,876 Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. 6 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:37,050 So I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. 7 00:00:37,136 --> 00:00:39,548 And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? 8 00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:42,381 "You know you're just going to get this cat stuck in your ass, too. 9 00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:43,715 "Why don't you knock it off?" 10 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:46,393 And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else 11 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,720 "am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" 12 00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:50,806 My cousin was a weird guy. 13 00:03:37,859 --> 00:03:41,773 Brandi Svenning, come on down. I'm taking your ass to Florida. 14 00:03:41,863 --> 00:03:45,731 Let's go. Where's your luggage? Come on, the plane leaves in an hour. 15 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:48,487 T.S., did you see Julie Dwyer last night? 16 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,736 Yeah, saw her at the video store. 17 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:53,697 She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. 18 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,916 Oh, my God, he's not here, is he? Yeah, he's inside. 19 00:03:57,003 --> 00:04:01,873 T.S., did you tell her that every time you're on TV, you look 10 pounds heavier? 20 00:04:04,594 --> 00:04:08,758 Yeah, well, I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes 21 00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:11,215 makes you look a lot fatter than you are in real life. 22 00:04:11,309 --> 00:04:13,971 Why, what did she do, call up and cancel? 23 00:04:14,562 --> 00:04:16,473 No, not exactly. 24 00:04:17,273 --> 00:04:20,686 T.S., you know that Julie had a huge weight problem in school. 25 00:04:20,777 --> 00:04:22,734 She had the fattest ass. 26 00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:24,436 And when you said that to her 27 00:04:24,530 --> 00:04:27,693 she went straight out to the YMCA and started doing laps. 28 00:04:27,784 --> 00:04:30,742 It's because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight 29 00:04:30,828 --> 00:04:33,115 and well 30 00:04:33,998 --> 00:04:36,365 in the middle of her 700th lap 31 00:04:36,584 --> 00:04:40,122 this embolism popped in her brain and she dropped dead. 32 00:04:40,338 --> 00:04:42,329 Right in mid-backstroke. 33 00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:44,756 She's fucking dead? 34 00:04:45,802 --> 00:04:49,295 Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps 35 00:04:49,388 --> 00:04:52,130 and it got back to my father and... 36 00:04:52,391 --> 00:04:54,883 Shit, T.S., he's really pissed at you. 37 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:58,266 I mean, it's awful about Julie's death 38 00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:01,807 and now, he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show. 39 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,545 Well, can't you calm him down or something? 40 00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:04,569 Well, I've done that. 41 00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:06,811 Thank God. How? I told him I'd do the show. 42 00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,396 Good. What? 43 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:12,238 Wait a minute. No. We're leaving for Florida. 44 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,195 T.S., I can't go, I've got to stay here. 45 00:05:15,289 --> 00:05:17,530 No, I've got something planned for Florida. 46 00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:18,831 No, we've gotta go. 47 00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:21,831 But, T.S., I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. 48 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:25,164 Help him out of a bind, which, you know, you kind of... 49 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,295 Well, at least a little responsible for. 50 00:05:27,385 --> 00:05:30,503 I bet he's as happy as a pig in shit that you're not going away with me. 51 00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:33,805 Are you kidding? He's absolutely devastated about Julie. 52 00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:49,604 I can't believe you! Brandi, the guy hates me. 53 00:05:50,241 --> 00:05:53,074 You know, I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity 54 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,071 as a way to keep you from going away with me. 55 00:05:55,162 --> 00:05:58,280 Would you calm down? I mean, you're being a complete ass. 56 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,706 Sometimes, I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. 57 00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,127 It makes me sick. 58 00:06:06,924 --> 00:06:09,131 Well, you know what I think is sick? 59 00:06:09,218 --> 00:06:10,834 This relationship. 60 00:06:12,096 --> 00:06:14,303 Come on, I thought we weren't going to go through this 61 00:06:14,390 --> 00:06:15,721 make-up, break-up shit anymore. 62 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:18,015 Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up. 63 00:06:18,102 --> 00:06:20,389 You know, you are exactly like my father. 64 00:06:20,479 --> 00:06:23,562 It's always about what you need, what you've got planned 65 00:06:23,649 --> 00:06:26,391 screw everybody else, my shit is more important. 66 00:06:26,485 --> 00:06:28,726 You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is. 67 00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:31,062 In fact, the two of you have so much in common 68 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:33,489 I think you should date each other. 69 00:06:34,535 --> 00:06:36,401 Brandi, wait. 70 00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:52,008 Sweet fucking Christ, would you knock it off? 71 00:06:52,094 --> 00:06:53,550 God! What? 72 00:07:00,102 --> 00:07:02,560 What time is it? 9:30. 73 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:04,846 Man, go back to sleep! 74 00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:25,033 Thank Christ. 75 00:07:27,546 --> 00:07:29,833 What the hell are you doing? Finishing my game. 76 00:07:29,966 --> 00:07:32,799 No. You promised me breakfast. Breakfast! 77 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:35,718 Breakfast, shmeckfast. Look at the score, for God's sake. 78 00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:39,305 I'm only in the middle of the second and I'm winning 12 to 2. 79 00:07:39,475 --> 00:07:41,557 Breakfasts come and go, Rene. 80 00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:43,593 Now Hartford, the Whale? 81 00:07:43,688 --> 00:07:47,306 They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. 82 00:07:49,610 --> 00:07:51,066 You hit the bathroom already? 83 00:07:51,946 --> 00:07:53,983 Don't worry. I didn't let your mother see me. 84 00:07:54,073 --> 00:07:56,656 Who's worried? Are you kidding me? 85 00:07:56,742 --> 00:08:00,235 I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do. 86 00:08:00,329 --> 00:08:01,660 I do not. 87 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,537 So that's why I have to sneak in here 88 00:08:03,624 --> 00:08:06,616 after everyone's asleep at night and sneak out undetected in the morning? 89 00:08:06,711 --> 00:08:09,499 You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night? 90 00:08:09,588 --> 00:08:12,751 That you play videogames and I fall asleep unfulfilled? 91 00:08:12,842 --> 00:08:15,254 Go ahead. It beats the sneaking-around shit. 92 00:08:15,344 --> 00:08:17,506 What can I say? She doesn't like you. 93 00:08:17,596 --> 00:08:19,553 You've never even introduced me to her. 94 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,382 Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamned bathroom, all right? 95 00:08:22,476 --> 00:08:24,513 What the hell do you do in there all the time? 96 00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,059 You really want to know? 97 00:08:26,522 --> 00:08:29,731 I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy. 98 00:08:29,942 --> 00:08:31,103 I cry. 99 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,777 You cry? I cry. 100 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,404 Any particular reason? 101 00:08:37,992 --> 00:08:38,992 Hey- 102 00:08:40,619 --> 00:08:44,328 I think about the people that make decisions that affect our lives. 103 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,958 The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases. 104 00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:53,128 The engineer that designs skyscrapers. 105 00:08:54,675 --> 00:08:58,043 The guy that maps out a plane's flight path. The navigator. 106 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:02,968 I think about how those people are out there every day 107 00:09:03,059 --> 00:09:05,391 making a difference, leading big lives 108 00:09:06,645 --> 00:09:10,980 and how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face. 109 00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:15,401 And how they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply 110 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,024 to their goals and noble causes. 111 00:09:17,114 --> 00:09:20,732 Jesus! I'd hate to tell you what I think about when I'm in the bathroom. 112 00:09:21,535 --> 00:09:23,867 I think about all that and I cry 113 00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:28,990 because I have nothing better to do than fuck you. 114 00:09:38,928 --> 00:09:40,510 You're dumping me? 115 00:09:42,807 --> 00:09:45,469 Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother? 116 00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:00,404 You're a fickle broad. 117 00:10:04,745 --> 00:10:08,113 Holy shit! If it isn't mon frère. 118 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:15,037 Usual vault rules apply: touch not, lest ye be touched. 119 00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,042 You're such an anal-retentive bastard. 120 00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:20,626 I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but no 121 00:10:20,719 --> 00:10:23,211 you wanted to play Little League instead. 122 00:10:23,931 --> 00:10:27,140 What's that? Like it? I framed it before you got here. 123 00:10:28,978 --> 00:10:30,594 Oh, my God! Rene dumped you! 124 00:10:30,688 --> 00:10:33,555 Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega. 125 00:10:33,649 --> 00:10:35,890 Wow! Look at this laundry list of complaints. 126 00:10:36,318 --> 00:10:39,936 You have no direction, no college ambition, no job prospects. 127 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:41,987 Yeah. It also says I have no dick. 128 00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:45,283 But you'll notice that follows the financial question, proving once more 129 00:10:45,369 --> 00:10:46,484 what women really look for. 130 00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:50,038 Wow, she calls you callow in here. You say that like it's bad. 131 00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:54,166 It means frightened and weak-willed. Really? 132 00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:59,335 Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary. 133 00:10:59,717 --> 00:11:01,503 Yeah, well, you're lucky. 134 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,924 Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter filled with obscure adjectives. 135 00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:08,009 What are you telling me here? 136 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,341 I, too, now am in the framing business. 137 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,598 Holy shit! Brandi dumped you. 138 00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:16,230 Wait a second, aren't you two supposed to go to Florida? 139 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:19,275 Should've left this morning. It gets worse. 140 00:11:20,237 --> 00:11:22,695 I was gonna propose to her. Where? 141 00:11:23,407 --> 00:11:26,490 On the Universal tour. You're kidding! What part? 142 00:11:27,161 --> 00:11:29,243 When Jaws pops out of the water. 143 00:11:30,164 --> 00:11:33,156 That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. 144 00:11:33,918 --> 00:11:36,455 Too bad I'm not trying to marry you. 145 00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:40,338 Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her? 146 00:11:42,176 --> 00:11:43,257 Why do you ask? 147 00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:46,052 I never farted in front of Rene, not once, all right? 148 00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:49,301 Then last week I let one slip. Today she dumps me. 149 00:11:50,935 --> 00:11:53,176 You think that that's why Rene dumped you? 150 00:11:53,270 --> 00:11:54,931 She's not the shallow type, Brodie. 151 00:11:55,022 --> 00:11:56,888 She was going down on me at the time. 152 00:11:57,024 --> 00:12:00,267 Shut up! What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed. 153 00:12:00,361 --> 00:12:02,568 When I'm relaxed, I squirt. 154 00:12:03,822 --> 00:12:06,280 If all she did was dump you, you got off light. 155 00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:07,698 I can't believe this shit. 156 00:12:07,785 --> 00:12:09,617 Why are we sitting here trying to figure out 157 00:12:09,703 --> 00:12:11,583 where we went wrong with our significant others? 158 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,120 We just nailed it, in your case. 159 00:12:13,207 --> 00:12:17,292 No, there is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss. 160 00:12:17,419 --> 00:12:20,502 Ritual suicide? No, you idiot. The fucking mall! 161 00:12:21,090 --> 00:12:22,455 I prefer ritual suicide. 162 00:12:22,549 --> 00:12:26,133 Come on, man! It'll be great. They got these new cookies at the cookie stand. 163 00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:28,086 You have to try them, they're awesome. 164 00:12:48,075 --> 00:12:51,409 I love the smell of commerce in the morning! 165 00:12:52,621 --> 00:12:55,704 You're really making that last. Waste not, want not. 166 00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:01,456 What, you want to say something? About a million things 167 00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:05,882 but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all. 168 00:13:06,427 --> 00:13:07,667 Asshole! Prick! 169 00:13:07,761 --> 00:13:09,627 Fuck you! What the hell was that all about? 170 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:14,512 He's a jerk from Fashionable Male, this upscale wannabe shop on the 2nd floor. 171 00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:17,093 He's the manager. The guy's always giving me shit. 172 00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:20,347 I've no idea why. I thought everybody loved you at this mall. 173 00:13:20,482 --> 00:13:24,146 "F" him! Where do you want to go first? Back to Brandi's. 174 00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:28,067 Look, Brandi is the past, my friend. She's behind you now. 175 00:13:28,490 --> 00:13:33,326 You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage. 176 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,490 You should learn to heed your own advice. 177 00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:41,372 Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here? 178 00:13:41,462 --> 00:13:43,499 It looks like a stage is being erected. 179 00:13:44,465 --> 00:13:47,628 What is this monstrosity? Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures. 180 00:13:47,718 --> 00:13:50,801 Impossible! The Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall. 181 00:13:50,888 --> 00:13:54,097 It's been up since two days after Christmas. I want answers. 182 00:13:54,516 --> 00:13:56,427 Ask one of the workers. 183 00:13:56,602 --> 00:13:59,515 No, there's a soul who might know what's up. 184 00:14:08,864 --> 00:14:10,104 Willam. 185 00:14:12,076 --> 00:14:14,113 Willam! Poopie trim. 186 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:17,028 Brodie, man, what's going on? 187 00:14:17,164 --> 00:14:20,247 What, do you work here now? No, man. Just hanging with T.S. 188 00:14:21,752 --> 00:14:23,538 Willam, what exactly are you doing? 189 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,211 Looking for the hidden picture. 190 00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:28,210 If you stare at these things long enough, you're supposed to see 191 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,587 some kind of hidden three-dimensional picture. 192 00:14:30,719 --> 00:14:34,713 Oh, yeah, look. It's a sailboat. You saw it, too? Dammit! 193 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,548 What? I've been staring at this thing 194 00:14:36,642 --> 00:14:40,101 for a week now from opening till closing and I can't see a goddamned thing! 195 00:14:40,187 --> 00:14:43,851 You gotta relax your eyes. Everyone sees this thing except me. 196 00:14:43,941 --> 00:14:46,308 Today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda 197 00:14:46,402 --> 00:14:50,270 and I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about. 198 00:14:50,364 --> 00:14:52,150 So, Willam, 199 00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:55,612 would you happen to know what this stage business is all about? 200 00:14:55,702 --> 00:14:57,192 It's not a stage! 201 00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,737 I'm gonna see it if I have to go blind trying. 202 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,869 No man, this stage over here. 203 00:15:02,126 --> 00:15:05,039 That thing? I think some game show in the mall today. 204 00:15:05,129 --> 00:15:08,963 I think it's going to be on TV. It's called Truth or Date or something. 205 00:15:09,049 --> 00:15:10,915 Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show. 206 00:15:11,051 --> 00:15:13,588 What is it? It's this cheesy Dating Game rip-off thing. 207 00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:14,959 Supposed to be for college kids. 208 00:15:15,013 --> 00:15:18,347 Just trying to capture the '90s youth market with a staple of '70s television. 209 00:15:18,434 --> 00:15:20,892 Why can't they bring back or remake good shows 210 00:15:20,978 --> 00:15:22,264 like BJ and the Bear? 211 00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:25,312 Now there's a concept I can't get enough of: a man and his monkey. 212 00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:27,231 Would you guys shut up? 213 00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:30,644 You're breaking my concentration. Sorry, Willam. 214 00:15:30,737 --> 00:15:33,354 Now I have to start all over again. 215 00:15:34,908 --> 00:15:38,742 Good luck with that thing. Remember, relax your eyes. 216 00:15:44,751 --> 00:15:47,664 Wow, a sailboat! Shut up! 217 00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:51,130 Could this week get any worse? 218 00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,924 Now she's going to be auctioned off on live TV from a mall. 219 00:15:54,011 --> 00:15:57,094 Not "a" mall, all right? "The" mall. Show some respect. 220 00:15:57,181 --> 00:16:00,094 It doesn't have to go down like that, if we trash the thing. 221 00:16:00,184 --> 00:16:02,516 There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces, 222 00:16:02,603 --> 00:16:03,843 by ruining her father's show. 223 00:16:03,979 --> 00:16:06,141 You're a clever one. I can get someone to do it for us. 224 00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:09,769 We'll be blame-free and Brandi won't be able to do the show. 225 00:16:10,277 --> 00:16:13,440 Who is this imaginary hatchet man? Hatchet men. 226 00:16:35,302 --> 00:16:36,838 Knock it off! 227 00:16:37,429 --> 00:16:38,669 Kitty, kitty, kitty! 228 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:40,220 Kitty, kitty, kitty! Hey, Jay! 229 00:16:40,307 --> 00:16:42,969 Brodie, man! Nootchy nootchies! 230 00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:46,219 And look at this shit. The mad, fat, chick-killer. 231 00:16:46,313 --> 00:16:48,350 I can't believe how fast word travels in this town. 232 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,101 Excellent. What's he doing? 233 00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,607 Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week 234 00:16:52,694 --> 00:16:55,026 and ever since, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. 235 00:16:55,113 --> 00:16:58,526 Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts. Knock it off! 236 00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:01,279 The Force is strong with this one. Dude, don't encourage him. 237 00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:04,203 So I was telling T.S. here we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob. 238 00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:05,767 If there's anyone that can help us out 239 00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,907 it's the two guys that have even less to do than us. 240 00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:10,001 What is this shit? Everyone's looking for us today. 241 00:17:10,087 --> 00:17:13,250 We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan about her video set-up. 242 00:17:13,340 --> 00:17:15,798 Why him? Silent Bob's an electrical genius. 243 00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:19,093 He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator 244 00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:21,216 into a CD player, using chicken wire and shit. 245 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:24,219 Motherfucker's like MacGyver. No, motherfucker's better than MacGyver! 246 00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:25,390 Knock it off! 247 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:27,969 And it's that kind of smarts we need, right, mopey? 248 00:17:28,063 --> 00:17:29,144 Leave me out of this. 249 00:17:29,231 --> 00:17:33,816 We need you to embark on a little sabotage mission on behalf of T.S.'s love life. 250 00:17:40,784 --> 00:17:43,321 You know about this game show thing they've got going on here? 251 00:17:43,412 --> 00:17:46,279 We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen. 252 00:17:46,373 --> 00:17:48,239 Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway. 253 00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,415 Really? Why? What else are we gonna do? 254 00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:53,915 Silent Bob just stole the schematic of the stage from some foolish carpenter 255 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,464 and found a weakness, just like the fucking Death Star. 256 00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:58,541 He figures if you pull this crossbeam out 257 00:17:58,635 --> 00:18:01,343 fucking bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down. 258 00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:03,216 We were thinking about something simple, 259 00:18:03,307 --> 00:18:05,969 but if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that. 260 00:18:06,059 --> 00:18:08,426 Only problem is LaFours. Who's LaFours? 261 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,558 You don't know who LaFours is? They don't know who LaFours is! 262 00:18:11,648 --> 00:18:14,436 He's only the most feared security guard in the business, man. 263 00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:18,440 460 collars, all convicted. I hear he's even got two kills. 264 00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:20,771 Holy shit! I never thought I'd see the day 265 00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:24,109 when two such highly reputable mischief-makers as yourselves 266 00:18:24,202 --> 00:18:27,320 douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard. 267 00:18:27,414 --> 00:18:30,623 Shit, bitch! We're gonna bust out that stage like a high-school kegger. 268 00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:32,950 We're just gonna outwit LaFours, X-Men style. 269 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,661 Should I call you Logan, Weapon X? 270 00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:37,964 No, Wolverine! Snicky, snicky, snoine. 271 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:41,793 What he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his Adamantium claws. 272 00:18:41,928 --> 00:18:44,920 I never would have guessed. All right, guys. You have your mission, 273 00:18:45,015 --> 00:18:48,303 go forth and wreak havoc. Bye, baby kitties. 274 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,722 Damn, Silent Bob, show some heart. 275 00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:52,928 Pss, pss, pss. 276 00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:56,061 That's better. We're on the job. 277 00:18:57,152 --> 00:18:58,392 Thanks. 278 00:18:59,446 --> 00:19:02,939 I have to admit I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them. 279 00:19:03,241 --> 00:19:06,074 I would if I actually thought for a second they could pull it off. 280 00:19:06,161 --> 00:19:08,653 Ye of little faith, want a cookie? 281 00:19:12,876 --> 00:19:14,241 What's he doing? 282 00:19:14,461 --> 00:19:18,546 If you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears. 283 00:19:18,632 --> 00:19:20,873 Can we do it? Please? 284 00:19:20,967 --> 00:19:22,958 All right, go ahead, but hurry, 285 00:19:23,053 --> 00:19:24,509 the Easter Bunny's waiting. 286 00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:26,758 Wow, it's a schooner! 287 00:19:28,266 --> 00:19:32,476 You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat. 288 00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:35,680 A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead. 289 00:19:36,817 --> 00:19:40,560 You know what? There is no Easter Bunny! 290 00:19:40,654 --> 00:19:43,442 Over there is just a guy in a suit! 291 00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:49,694 But they're engaged. It doesn't matter, it can't happen. 292 00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:51,199 Why not? It's bound to come up. 293 00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,327 It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. 294 00:19:54,418 --> 00:19:57,035 Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle his sperm? 295 00:19:57,129 --> 00:20:00,497 I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun, right through her back. 296 00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:01,751 What about her womb? 297 00:20:01,842 --> 00:20:03,842 Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child? 298 00:20:03,927 --> 00:20:04,962 Sure. Why not? 299 00:20:05,053 --> 00:20:06,669 He's an alien, for Christ's sake! 300 00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:10,256 His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. 301 00:20:10,350 --> 00:20:13,342 If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. 302 00:20:13,478 --> 00:20:17,187 Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. 303 00:20:17,274 --> 00:20:20,517 The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. 304 00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:21,771 But that would kill him. 305 00:20:22,028 --> 00:20:24,736 How did I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi 306 00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:27,104 to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court? 307 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,409 Cookie stand is not part of the food court. Of course it is. 308 00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:33,700 The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs. 309 00:20:33,790 --> 00:20:35,518 It's not like we're talking quantum physics here. 310 00:20:35,542 --> 00:20:38,751 The cookie stand counts as an eatery, the eatery's a part of the food court. 311 00:20:38,837 --> 00:20:42,080 Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs 312 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,209 qualify as food court. 313 00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:45,837 Anything outside of said designated square 314 00:20:45,927 --> 00:20:48,965 is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. 315 00:20:49,055 --> 00:20:52,343 Now if you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject... 316 00:20:52,476 --> 00:20:53,932 Holy shit! 317 00:20:55,270 --> 00:20:57,261 Wait here. Where are you going? 318 00:20:59,274 --> 00:21:01,015 Cherchez la femme. 319 00:21:06,573 --> 00:21:08,814 That would look terrible on you. 320 00:21:08,909 --> 00:21:10,525 Didn't I dump your ass this morning? 321 00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:14,078 Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake you've made 322 00:21:14,164 --> 00:21:16,701 and I just want to let you know you don't have to apologize. 323 00:21:16,792 --> 00:21:18,999 I'm sure you were just PMSing or something. 324 00:21:19,085 --> 00:21:21,827 Brodie, what kills me about you is your inability to function 325 00:21:21,922 --> 00:21:24,584 on the same plane of existence as the rest of us. 326 00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:25,751 Piss off. 327 00:21:26,927 --> 00:21:30,545 Okay. I see you want to continue with this charade of ending our union. 328 00:21:30,639 --> 00:21:31,674 Fine, I'll play along. 329 00:21:31,765 --> 00:21:34,803 But if we're divorced, we're gonna have to divide our mutual possessions. 330 00:21:34,893 --> 00:21:36,120 What the hell are you talking about? 331 00:21:36,144 --> 00:21:38,226 You have my Punisher War Journal ♪6, 332 00:21:38,313 --> 00:21:41,226 my copy of Fletch and the remote control to my TV. 333 00:21:41,483 --> 00:21:45,101 I know it's gonna be hard to give this stuff up because of its sentimental attachment. 334 00:21:45,195 --> 00:21:46,401 Sentimental attachment? 335 00:21:46,488 --> 00:21:47,853 If I have any of that crap, 336 00:21:47,948 --> 00:21:51,066 it's because you brought it over to my house and left it there. 337 00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:55,327 Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights. 338 00:21:55,413 --> 00:21:56,653 For what? For the mall. 339 00:21:56,748 --> 00:21:59,991 I figure you can have the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. 340 00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:03,168 When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale, boat show... 341 00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:04,586 Brodie. Brodie! 342 00:22:05,757 --> 00:22:08,419 I have always taken you with a grain of salt. 343 00:22:08,844 --> 00:22:11,211 On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease 344 00:22:11,304 --> 00:22:13,921 to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay. 345 00:22:14,224 --> 00:22:15,714 When we were at that hotel, prom night 346 00:22:15,809 --> 00:22:17,550 and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed 347 00:22:17,644 --> 00:22:20,102 in case your mother burst in, I did it. 348 00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,388 And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral 349 00:22:22,482 --> 00:22:23,793 when you told most of my relatives 350 00:22:23,817 --> 00:22:27,651 that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. 351 00:22:27,737 --> 00:22:30,729 If you think that I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile 352 00:22:30,824 --> 00:22:34,863 now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment. 353 00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:40,291 What? 354 00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:43,458 Phase one: First, you take a run at LaFours 355 00:22:43,545 --> 00:22:44,831 with a sock full of quarters. 356 00:22:44,921 --> 00:22:48,334 I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nudge. 357 00:22:48,425 --> 00:22:51,463 You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. 358 00:22:51,553 --> 00:22:53,169 That's when phase two kicks in. 359 00:22:53,263 --> 00:22:56,722 I attack the structure Wolvie-berserk style and knock out the fucking pin 360 00:22:56,808 --> 00:23:01,097 and bickety-bam, the motherfucker's rubble. Hence, no game show. 361 00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,581 What? Do you know that kid or something? 362 00:24:04,668 --> 00:24:07,660 I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues. 363 00:24:07,754 --> 00:24:08,789 What is with you today? 364 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,837 Don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm, 365 00:24:10,924 --> 00:24:12,881 but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal 366 00:24:12,968 --> 00:24:14,959 so she'll learn how to manage her child. 367 00:24:15,053 --> 00:24:16,822 That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think? 368 00:24:16,846 --> 00:24:21,215 There's not a year goes by that I don't read about an escalator accident 369 00:24:21,393 --> 00:24:24,681 involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided 370 00:24:24,771 --> 00:24:27,263 had some parent, I don't care which one, 371 00:24:27,357 --> 00:24:28,973 but some parent, conditioned him 372 00:24:29,067 --> 00:24:31,809 to fear and respect that escalator! 373 00:24:33,989 --> 00:24:35,980 Wow! Look who it is. 374 00:24:40,829 --> 00:24:41,829 Jerk! 375 00:24:41,913 --> 00:24:44,655 Little Tricia Jones! What's a pretty girl like you 376 00:24:44,749 --> 00:24:48,538 doing sitting alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism? 377 00:24:48,628 --> 00:24:51,916 Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob. 378 00:24:52,090 --> 00:24:55,583 And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual. 379 00:24:55,719 --> 00:24:57,835 On the contrary, I'm here for comics. 380 00:24:57,929 --> 00:25:01,513 T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones. They call her Trish the Dish. 381 00:25:01,599 --> 00:25:02,839 Nobody calls me that. 382 00:25:02,934 --> 00:25:07,178 Our little Tricia here is only 15 but somehow she's a senior. 383 00:25:07,272 --> 00:25:08,353 How'd you manage that? 384 00:25:09,524 --> 00:25:12,687 Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off. Yeah, right. 385 00:25:12,777 --> 00:25:14,688 So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what? 386 00:25:14,779 --> 00:25:15,860 Jesus, Brodie! 387 00:25:15,947 --> 00:25:19,030 Calm clown. Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing 388 00:25:19,117 --> 00:25:22,576 about the sex drive of men ages 14 to 30. 389 00:25:22,871 --> 00:25:23,906 If I remember correctly, 390 00:25:23,997 --> 00:25:27,991 it's titled Bore-gasm: A Study of the '90s Male 's Sexual Prowess. 391 00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:30,959 Ready to get sick? Tell him about the advance you got. 392 00:25:31,046 --> 00:25:34,789 Pendant Publishing gave me $20,000 based on a treatment and a sample chapter. 393 00:25:34,924 --> 00:25:36,380 You're kidding. It's true. 394 00:25:36,468 --> 00:25:38,800 She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject. 395 00:25:39,054 --> 00:25:41,591 So Tricia here sleeps with a bunch of guys as research. 396 00:25:41,681 --> 00:25:43,137 If that's not enough, get this: 397 00:25:43,224 --> 00:25:45,181 She videotapes all of them. What? 398 00:25:45,268 --> 00:25:49,136 I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. 399 00:25:49,230 --> 00:25:50,846 Men are easily amused. 400 00:25:51,441 --> 00:25:53,398 What are you writing in the calendar? 401 00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:55,522 I was coding last night's research. 402 00:25:55,612 --> 00:25:58,400 She means sex. I know what she meant. 403 00:25:58,782 --> 00:26:01,524 What kind of codes? Here, look. 404 00:26:01,701 --> 00:26:04,033 The smiley face is for when I go down on the guy. 405 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:07,158 The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me. 406 00:26:07,248 --> 00:26:09,205 The circle is for when we have sex. 407 00:26:09,292 --> 00:26:11,909 The circle with the "X" in it is for when I have an orgasm. 408 00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:15,166 The little house is when we do it inside and the grass is for outside. 409 00:26:15,256 --> 00:26:18,123 That kid is back on the escalator again! 410 00:26:18,301 --> 00:26:20,759 How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind me asking? 411 00:26:20,845 --> 00:26:24,008 Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs that store Fashionable Male. 412 00:26:24,099 --> 00:26:26,682 Holy shit! You slept with that asshole? Why? 413 00:26:26,768 --> 00:26:28,475 I needed a 25-year-old. 414 00:26:28,561 --> 00:26:31,144 And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add. 415 00:26:31,231 --> 00:26:34,189 He mentioned me during sex? Afterwards. 416 00:26:34,275 --> 00:26:37,393 He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd steer clear of him, if I were you. 417 00:26:37,487 --> 00:26:39,524 Tell me you videotaped him saying that. No. 418 00:26:39,614 --> 00:26:41,446 I shut the camera off after the sex. 419 00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:43,649 You should have heard the stuff he wanted to do. 420 00:26:43,743 --> 00:26:45,325 I'm having a hard time with this. 421 00:26:45,411 --> 00:26:47,652 Do your parents know about this? Of course. 422 00:26:47,747 --> 00:26:50,284 That's remarkable. That's criminal. That kid... 423 00:26:50,792 --> 00:26:53,910 That kid is back on the escalator again! 424 00:26:54,003 --> 00:26:55,710 Leave it alone. What? 425 00:26:55,964 --> 00:27:00,583 So, I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning in some theme park. 426 00:27:00,677 --> 00:27:03,419 When are men going to learn that women want romance? 427 00:27:03,513 --> 00:27:07,598 Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Be fair, all right? 428 00:27:07,809 --> 00:27:12,269 Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. We gotta go. 429 00:27:13,731 --> 00:27:14,937 Remember my offer. 430 00:27:15,024 --> 00:27:17,766 I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs... 431 00:27:17,861 --> 00:27:20,023 Somehow I doubt it, Sega-boy. 432 00:27:20,405 --> 00:27:22,612 Good luck with the comic-book store. 433 00:27:23,032 --> 00:27:25,774 "Sega-boy." God, Rene's got a big mouth! 434 00:27:25,869 --> 00:27:28,611 What does that mean, "Good luck with the comic-book store"? 435 00:27:28,746 --> 00:27:31,704 How does that junior Masters and Johnson know about my proposal? 436 00:27:31,791 --> 00:27:33,907 It's not like she's in an exclusive club or anything. 437 00:27:34,002 --> 00:27:35,208 What are you talking about? 438 00:27:35,295 --> 00:27:37,502 Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop. 439 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:39,045 What? What's he saying? 440 00:27:39,132 --> 00:27:43,000 How her father made her do the game show so you couldn't take her to Florida. 441 00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:45,301 Now, what the hell is this shit? 442 00:27:45,889 --> 00:27:48,472 What do you got to do to get comics around this place? 443 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,136 One side, Red. 444 00:27:50,226 --> 00:27:52,968 What the hell's going on here? I was warned about you. 445 00:27:53,104 --> 00:27:55,436 Take it easy before I have you removed... Warned? 446 00:27:55,523 --> 00:27:58,106 What the fuck are you talking about? Tell him, Steve Dave. 447 00:27:58,193 --> 00:27:59,649 Fuck you, fan-boy! 448 00:27:59,736 --> 00:28:02,273 Would you testosterone-seething, He-Man comic book fans 449 00:28:02,363 --> 00:28:04,091 finish up with this tough-guy back-and-forth? 450 00:28:04,115 --> 00:28:06,435 I got some questions I need answered. Look, who's in there? 451 00:28:06,492 --> 00:28:08,733 You got to ask me nicely. Fuck this. 452 00:28:08,870 --> 00:28:10,281 Jesus Christ! 453 00:28:10,371 --> 00:28:12,112 Get the hell off of him. Come on. 454 00:28:12,207 --> 00:28:15,416 You fuckers think just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit? 455 00:28:15,501 --> 00:28:17,208 I'll fucking take all of you on! 456 00:28:17,295 --> 00:28:18,376 Somebody get a medic! 457 00:28:18,463 --> 00:28:20,625 There's a little boy caught in the escalator! 458 00:28:20,715 --> 00:28:22,831 Come back here and arrest this goon! 459 00:28:22,967 --> 00:28:25,129 You're fucking next, man. Jesus, Brodie! 460 00:28:25,220 --> 00:28:28,588 I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics. 461 00:28:28,681 --> 00:28:30,467 All right. 462 00:28:30,808 --> 00:28:32,264 Excuse me. Don't hit me. 463 00:28:32,352 --> 00:28:35,390 Why is there a line? Stan Lee is signing comics. 464 00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:38,768 Stan Lee? 465 00:28:39,776 --> 00:28:42,313 Okay, Lunchbox, let's try this again. 466 00:28:42,403 --> 00:28:45,316 We tie you to the roof, you jump and sail like a Spitfire 467 00:28:45,406 --> 00:28:47,818 passing right over the arch-nemesis LaFours. 468 00:28:47,909 --> 00:28:50,401 You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. 469 00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:53,487 And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. 470 00:28:53,581 --> 00:28:55,993 You got it? Now, get your fat ass out there! 471 00:28:56,084 --> 00:28:59,702 And, dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins. 472 00:29:31,536 --> 00:29:34,324 Fly, fat-ass, fly! 473 00:29:50,388 --> 00:29:52,720 What the fuck? 474 00:29:53,308 --> 00:29:54,798 You fucker! 475 00:29:55,059 --> 00:29:56,265 Security? ls it alive? 476 00:29:56,352 --> 00:29:58,184 Yeah. This is Popular Girl. 477 00:29:58,271 --> 00:30:01,104 We just had something crash through the wall. 478 00:30:01,190 --> 00:30:03,932 Stan Lee! How does something as big as the creator 479 00:30:04,027 --> 00:30:06,485 of the most important titles in comics history 480 00:30:06,571 --> 00:30:10,235 coming to my mall get by me? I must be slipping in my old age. 481 00:30:10,325 --> 00:30:12,157 The name amongst names. 482 00:30:12,243 --> 00:30:14,484 There's a million questions I'd love to ask him. 483 00:30:14,579 --> 00:30:15,785 Her father! 484 00:30:15,872 --> 00:30:18,910 I knew this game show thing was just a beard for an attempt to break us up. 485 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,083 Why can't he just leave us alone and let us follow through with our plans? 486 00:30:22,170 --> 00:30:24,286 What kind of man are you, anyway? 487 00:30:24,380 --> 00:30:27,498 I'm talking comics and you bring up chicks and romance? 488 00:30:27,592 --> 00:30:31,051 While we're on the subject, why the hell do you want to get married now, anyway? 489 00:30:31,137 --> 00:30:33,504 You're still in college. I was just gonna propose. 490 00:30:33,598 --> 00:30:35,367 The wedding wouldn't be till after we graduate. 491 00:30:35,391 --> 00:30:37,007 Waste of time, if you ask me. 492 00:30:37,101 --> 00:30:39,433 My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow 493 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,261 "when you get the sex for free?" 494 00:30:41,814 --> 00:30:43,475 She did? All the time. 495 00:30:43,566 --> 00:30:45,682 Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, 496 00:30:45,777 --> 00:30:47,393 but that's beside the point. 497 00:30:47,487 --> 00:30:50,070 Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry? 498 00:31:04,420 --> 00:31:07,503 Is he gone? Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now. 499 00:31:09,342 --> 00:31:12,505 Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog. 500 00:31:12,595 --> 00:31:14,506 What's with all the running? 501 00:31:14,597 --> 00:31:16,383 What the hell happened to him? 502 00:31:16,474 --> 00:31:18,886 The human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. 503 00:31:18,976 --> 00:31:21,388 We'll have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, 504 00:31:21,479 --> 00:31:23,345 otherwise he's liable to kill himself. 505 00:31:23,439 --> 00:31:25,726 Sorry, bro. No hard feelings. 506 00:31:25,983 --> 00:31:27,473 Isn't that Rene? 507 00:31:27,652 --> 00:31:30,440 She's probably looking for me. I better go talk to her. 508 00:31:30,530 --> 00:31:32,817 I don't know. She's with somebody. 509 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,659 Wait a minute, isn't that... The asshole from Fashionable Male! 510 00:31:37,787 --> 00:31:40,154 Son of a bitch! My God! You think that they're... 511 00:31:40,248 --> 00:31:42,535 Could be. It'll explain why he hates me so much. 512 00:31:42,625 --> 00:31:44,582 And there's only one way to find out. 513 00:31:45,169 --> 00:31:47,001 Can you run interference with the lug? 514 00:31:47,088 --> 00:31:49,625 What are you gonna do? Get some answers. 515 00:32:03,020 --> 00:32:05,603 You work at the Fashionable Male, don't you? 516 00:32:06,232 --> 00:32:07,643 Yeah? so? 517 00:32:08,985 --> 00:32:11,568 That's a great store you got there. 518 00:32:12,572 --> 00:32:17,066 Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady friend here. 519 00:32:17,201 --> 00:32:18,987 So why don't you beat it? 520 00:32:22,874 --> 00:32:25,241 That's your girlfriend? Right there? 521 00:32:28,546 --> 00:32:32,414 If you don't stop gawking at me and get the hell out of here, I'll kick your ass. 522 00:32:32,508 --> 00:32:35,751 Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "The customer's always right"? 523 00:32:36,554 --> 00:32:38,261 Let me tell you a little secret: 524 00:32:38,347 --> 00:32:40,179 The customer's always an asshole! 525 00:32:44,812 --> 00:32:47,349 Jesus Christ! What the hell gives with the cover boy? 526 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,353 None of your damn business. He'd kick your ass if he knew about this. 527 00:32:50,443 --> 00:32:53,231 Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! 528 00:32:53,696 --> 00:32:55,403 Is that my jacket? Start the elevator. 529 00:32:55,490 --> 00:32:59,279 Not until you tell me what the situation is with you and the Sperminator out there. 530 00:32:59,368 --> 00:33:00,984 How long has this been going on? 531 00:33:01,078 --> 00:33:03,536 Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing. 532 00:33:03,623 --> 00:33:05,743 He's a much more suitable companion than you, any day. 533 00:33:05,791 --> 00:33:07,077 Are you nuts? 534 00:33:07,168 --> 00:33:10,627 The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on, looking for a hole! 535 00:33:10,713 --> 00:33:13,831 I need testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection. 536 00:33:13,925 --> 00:33:15,461 I forgot what real men were like. 537 00:33:15,551 --> 00:33:19,761 I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall and pick up guys! 538 00:33:19,847 --> 00:33:21,429 No, Shannon did the picking up. 539 00:33:21,516 --> 00:33:23,436 He's already taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus 540 00:33:23,518 --> 00:33:26,260 purchased tickets for the opera night and took me to stores I like! 541 00:33:26,354 --> 00:33:28,686 I took you shopping all the time! 542 00:33:28,773 --> 00:33:30,434 You took me where you went shopping, jerk! 543 00:33:30,525 --> 00:33:31,525 Do you think I care 544 00:33:31,609 --> 00:33:33,941 what rat-hole store in that shit-pit you call the dirt mall 545 00:33:34,028 --> 00:33:35,380 has got the latest Godzilla bootlegs? 546 00:33:35,404 --> 00:33:38,362 You call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? 547 00:33:38,449 --> 00:33:41,692 Do I give a shit when two major comic labels are crossing over characters 548 00:33:41,786 --> 00:33:44,619 and selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? 549 00:33:44,705 --> 00:33:45,945 I'm a girl, damn it! 550 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:50,034 I want to do girly things like fix someone's hair and get romantic phone calls. 551 00:33:50,127 --> 00:33:51,834 I call you all the time! 552 00:33:51,921 --> 00:33:54,458 "Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over." You call that romantic? 553 00:33:54,549 --> 00:33:57,712 When was the last time you pulled out my chair or told me I was beautiful? 554 00:33:57,802 --> 00:33:59,918 This guy does all this in the span of a day! 555 00:34:00,012 --> 00:34:02,754 This guy already introduced me to his mother. 556 00:34:02,848 --> 00:34:03,963 Really? 557 00:34:04,058 --> 00:34:06,299 He was up and at work by 9:00 this morning. 558 00:34:06,394 --> 00:34:08,510 Unlike my ex-boyfriend, who would sleep until 1:00, 559 00:34:08,604 --> 00:34:11,187 'cause he played Sega and watched videos all night long! 560 00:34:11,274 --> 00:34:13,436 Which, by the way, has enormous effect on your libido. 561 00:34:13,526 --> 00:34:15,483 Now you attack my libido? 562 00:34:15,570 --> 00:34:18,608 There's no libido to attack. No libido to attack? 563 00:34:24,078 --> 00:34:27,867 You're sure you saw her get on, right? Maybe she was getting off. 564 00:34:38,843 --> 00:34:40,254 Ow . 565 00:34:40,344 --> 00:34:42,585 Sorry. It's all right. 566 00:34:54,817 --> 00:34:57,104 There, that was romantic, right? 567 00:34:58,362 --> 00:35:00,103 Passionate, yeah. 568 00:35:00,197 --> 00:35:03,565 No, Brodie. That was too little, too late. 569 00:35:05,244 --> 00:35:06,359 Too little? 570 00:35:07,121 --> 00:35:09,112 You said it was a good size. 571 00:35:09,206 --> 00:35:12,699 The effort, you retard. The effort was too little, too late. 572 00:35:13,919 --> 00:35:18,004 But now that you mention it, when a girl says it's a good size 573 00:35:18,090 --> 00:35:20,673 it's a nice way of saying that it's small. 574 00:35:29,977 --> 00:35:30,977 Hey! 575 00:35:31,687 --> 00:35:35,021 I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch. No, forget about him. 576 00:35:35,107 --> 00:35:38,645 He just wanted to give me something that he forgot to give me a long time ago. 577 00:35:38,986 --> 00:35:40,522 He's harmless now. Okay? 578 00:35:43,199 --> 00:35:45,907 Fine. I gotta get back to the store. Let's go. 579 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,246 Right there in the elevator? 580 00:35:56,337 --> 00:35:58,999 I don't know what came over me. She challenged my libido. 581 00:35:59,090 --> 00:36:01,878 I felt obligated to defend myself against her accusations. 582 00:36:02,885 --> 00:36:04,196 It's not like you still wanted her. 583 00:36:04,220 --> 00:36:06,507 Not in the least. I'm over her. 584 00:36:06,597 --> 00:36:10,090 - Holy shit! You really love that girl. - Year, right. 585 00:36:10,184 --> 00:36:13,427 No, I never noticed it before, but she really fuels your engine. 586 00:36:13,521 --> 00:36:15,103 You have this new glow about you. 587 00:36:15,189 --> 00:36:16,189 I don't have a glow. 588 00:36:16,273 --> 00:36:17,273 You do. You're glowing. 589 00:36:17,358 --> 00:36:19,850 If I have a glow it's because just I got laid. 590 00:36:19,944 --> 00:36:24,563 I'd look the same if I banged anyone in that elevator, present company excluded. 591 00:36:24,657 --> 00:36:27,194 Deny it all you want. I think you're too proud to admit you want her back. 592 00:36:27,201 --> 00:36:27,941 Deny it all you want. I think you're too proud to admit you want her back. 593 00:36:28,035 --> 00:36:30,743 I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you. 594 00:36:30,830 --> 00:36:32,571 What is your problem? I don't understand. 595 00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:36,575 Gwen! I'm sorry. You fucker! 596 00:36:40,548 --> 00:36:44,041 See! That's what you get for fucking with me. 597 00:36:44,218 --> 00:36:46,300 Hey, Gwen, he didn't really mean to hit you. 598 00:36:46,387 --> 00:36:50,096 He's got a funny way of showing it, by elbowing me in my frigging tit! 599 00:36:50,182 --> 00:36:51,547 Why the hell are you glowing? 600 00:36:51,642 --> 00:36:52,928 I'm not glowing. 601 00:36:53,018 --> 00:36:54,179 Brandi dumped him. 602 00:36:54,270 --> 00:36:56,307 Would you stop saying that? 603 00:36:56,397 --> 00:36:58,638 I know. I heard. You heard? How? 604 00:36:58,733 --> 00:37:01,395 She told me. I ran into her a few minutes ago. 605 00:37:01,485 --> 00:37:03,396 Really? Where? By the stage. 606 00:37:06,031 --> 00:37:07,567 Do you want me to rub it? 607 00:37:08,826 --> 00:37:13,070 Work with me, people, would you please? No, I don't want this here. 608 00:37:13,164 --> 00:37:15,326 I want it toward the front. The rug keeps popping up. 609 00:37:15,416 --> 00:37:17,248 If I put the podium there, it'll stay down. 610 00:37:17,334 --> 00:37:18,334 Move it! 611 00:37:20,337 --> 00:37:22,829 Mr. Svenning! Give me the podium! 612 00:37:23,549 --> 00:37:28,009 You put the podium down over here... 613 00:37:29,472 --> 00:37:30,507 Like this. 614 00:37:31,098 --> 00:37:35,387 You stamp the carpet down with your feet. You speak English? 615 00:37:36,020 --> 00:37:37,055 Like this. 616 00:37:38,856 --> 00:37:41,518 Mr. Svenning! Let me help you up. 617 00:37:41,609 --> 00:37:44,192 Get off! Move! Here, let me help you. 618 00:37:46,030 --> 00:37:48,317 All right, where's Brandi? Let go of me! 619 00:37:48,407 --> 00:37:49,863 Where's Brandi? 620 00:37:52,703 --> 00:37:55,195 You're fired. You get the hell out of here. 621 00:37:55,664 --> 00:37:57,120 Get off my set! 622 00:37:58,417 --> 00:37:59,532 Where is she? 623 00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:01,542 You are out of her life. 624 00:38:01,837 --> 00:38:04,955 Now, you stay out of her business and mine, understand me? 625 00:38:05,049 --> 00:38:06,915 Come on, people. Are we working here? 626 00:38:07,009 --> 00:38:09,501 Get the backdrop ready. Are those lights ready to go? 627 00:38:09,637 --> 00:38:11,344 Okay, Mr. Svenning. Excuse me. 628 00:38:11,430 --> 00:38:12,761 Go on the other side 629 00:38:12,848 --> 00:38:16,057 and put the podium over the bad spot in the carpet, okay? 630 00:38:16,143 --> 00:38:17,554 The hole? Please. Go. Now. 631 00:38:17,645 --> 00:38:18,726 So, you made her dump me 632 00:38:18,813 --> 00:38:20,520 and now you're going to auction her off 633 00:38:20,606 --> 00:38:22,973 in an effort to better further your own career? 634 00:38:23,067 --> 00:38:24,387 Not that it's any of your concern, 635 00:38:24,443 --> 00:38:26,150 but Brandi agreed to be on Truth or Date. 636 00:38:26,237 --> 00:38:29,821 After that shit you pulled last night, I think she's even looking forward to it. 637 00:38:29,907 --> 00:38:33,241 It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy. 638 00:38:33,452 --> 00:38:34,692 Somebody with a brain. 639 00:38:34,787 --> 00:38:36,869 You admit it? You are behind our break-up. 640 00:38:36,956 --> 00:38:37,956 Admit it? 641 00:38:38,415 --> 00:38:42,033 Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am of this game show here. 642 00:38:45,714 --> 00:38:48,422 Listen to me. It's over between you two. 643 00:38:49,260 --> 00:38:53,094 The sooner you get that, the better off we're all gonna be. 644 00:38:54,098 --> 00:38:56,430 Understand me? You don't. 645 00:38:57,977 --> 00:39:00,469 Guard, come here. Get this guy off of my set. 646 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,565 If he gives you any shit, you have my permission to castrate him. 647 00:39:05,651 --> 00:39:07,483 You can't do this! 648 00:39:07,570 --> 00:39:08,776 I just did. 649 00:39:14,118 --> 00:39:16,405 Get me LaFours. Right away, sir. 650 00:39:16,954 --> 00:39:18,365 Well, go on! 651 00:39:19,123 --> 00:39:20,534 How about these? 652 00:39:20,624 --> 00:39:23,082 Very sexy. That sounded convincing. 653 00:39:23,502 --> 00:39:24,708 I'm preoccupied. 654 00:39:24,795 --> 00:39:27,878 T.S., she told you. She's just doing it as a favor to her father. 655 00:39:27,965 --> 00:39:28,965 Regardless. 656 00:39:29,049 --> 00:39:31,165 It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access. 657 00:39:31,260 --> 00:39:33,843 She might as well. You're overreacting again. 658 00:39:33,929 --> 00:39:37,718 That's why your relationships fail. It's certainly why ours did. 659 00:39:37,808 --> 00:39:41,847 You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party in high school. 660 00:39:41,937 --> 00:39:43,894 You fucked Rick Derris on a pool table! 661 00:39:44,023 --> 00:39:46,890 With everyone watching, no less. It was a costume party, T.S. 662 00:39:46,984 --> 00:39:48,600 No one could tell it was me. 663 00:39:48,694 --> 00:39:51,982 Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that? 664 00:39:52,156 --> 00:39:53,863 I would've been a sexy chick. 665 00:39:53,949 --> 00:39:55,906 Do you remember that costume party? 666 00:39:55,993 --> 00:39:59,452 Might that have been the one where you banged Rick Derris on the pool table? 667 00:39:59,538 --> 00:40:00,824 Nobody remembers shit like that? 668 00:40:00,915 --> 00:40:03,327 How is it that you recall the most trivial events? 669 00:40:03,417 --> 00:40:07,160 I'll never forget it. How many chances do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit? 670 00:40:07,254 --> 00:40:09,165 Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds? 671 00:40:09,256 --> 00:40:11,042 Except for the moustache. 672 00:40:11,300 --> 00:40:13,917 You know, they have a whole room you're supposed to do that in? 673 00:40:14,011 --> 00:40:16,548 Some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly today 674 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,138 he busted in on me twice while I was trying on stuff. 675 00:40:19,224 --> 00:40:21,340 This saves him the effort. 676 00:40:22,519 --> 00:40:24,977 How much longer are we gonna be in this chick store, anyway? 677 00:40:25,064 --> 00:40:26,416 I'm starting to get a mean hard-on. 678 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:28,807 Brodie, Tell me about the Rene break-up. 679 00:40:28,901 --> 00:40:31,438 I threw her away like a parking ticket. 680 00:40:31,528 --> 00:40:34,316 Don't front, Brodie. I talked to Rene's cousin this morning. 681 00:40:34,406 --> 00:40:38,024 It was vice-versa. They certainly aren't acting broken up. 682 00:40:38,118 --> 00:40:39,608 Go ahead. Ask him about the elevator. 683 00:40:39,703 --> 00:40:42,616 Tell me about the elevator. It goes up and down. 684 00:40:44,208 --> 00:40:47,417 Rene seems so coarse, anyway. What was it like to date her? 685 00:40:47,544 --> 00:40:50,252 Ever slept with somebody? Uh, yeah. 686 00:40:50,381 --> 00:40:51,917 I mean, really slept with somebody. 687 00:40:52,049 --> 00:40:55,041 Beside them, not just fuck them on a gaming table. 688 00:40:55,427 --> 00:40:57,839 We slept together one time, remember, in high school? 689 00:40:57,930 --> 00:41:00,012 That ski trip? That was you? 690 00:41:00,557 --> 00:41:03,891 Yes, Brodie, I've slept beside many people. All right. 691 00:41:04,019 --> 00:41:06,260 You know how when someone lays with their back to you 692 00:41:06,355 --> 00:41:09,347 and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them? 693 00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:10,981 It's called spooning. 694 00:41:11,068 --> 00:41:12,729 But you gotta put the other arm somewhere. 695 00:41:12,820 --> 00:41:15,812 You can either lay on it or just shove it in between your bodies. 696 00:41:15,906 --> 00:41:18,443 The only other option is to stretch it above your head. 697 00:41:18,534 --> 00:41:22,198 But sometimes my arm pops out of the socket when I'm sleeping like that. 698 00:41:22,329 --> 00:41:24,991 So, I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm 699 00:41:25,082 --> 00:41:27,198 while still laying close to her. 700 00:41:28,585 --> 00:41:29,666 And? 701 00:41:29,753 --> 00:41:33,667 What do you mean, "And"? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship. 702 00:41:35,259 --> 00:41:38,251 I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court. 703 00:41:39,513 --> 00:41:43,006 I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me. 704 00:41:45,936 --> 00:41:48,223 Fill this with Coke, no ice. 705 00:41:52,401 --> 00:41:54,108 Want a sip of my soda? 706 00:41:59,116 --> 00:42:00,823 Smartass ex-boyfriend. 707 00:42:01,493 --> 00:42:05,487 I got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. 708 00:42:05,581 --> 00:42:06,992 I see you every week in this mall. 709 00:42:07,082 --> 00:42:08,743 I don't like shiftless layabouts. 710 00:42:08,834 --> 00:42:11,166 You're one of these fucking loser mallrat kids. 711 00:42:11,253 --> 00:42:14,416 You don't come here to work or shop, you hang out all day. 712 00:42:14,506 --> 00:42:16,167 Act like you fucking live here. 713 00:42:16,258 --> 00:42:18,875 I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda. 714 00:42:18,969 --> 00:42:21,802 Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship? 715 00:42:24,558 --> 00:42:28,552 Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. 716 00:42:35,069 --> 00:42:36,980 Now, you see, Bruce, 717 00:42:37,446 --> 00:42:41,360 I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. 718 00:42:41,450 --> 00:42:44,067 They're more vulnerable, they're in much more need of solace 719 00:42:44,161 --> 00:42:46,619 and they're fairly open to suggestion. 720 00:42:46,705 --> 00:42:50,824 And I use that suggestion to fuck them someplace very uncomfortable. 721 00:42:51,001 --> 00:42:53,493 What, like the back of a Volkswagen? 722 00:42:53,587 --> 00:42:57,455 No, like somewhere girls dread. 723 00:43:01,762 --> 00:43:04,299 Did we ever get along? Once or twice. 724 00:43:04,515 --> 00:43:07,257 How come we went out as long as we did? You had cable. 725 00:43:07,351 --> 00:43:09,058 So, are you gonna stay for the show? 726 00:43:09,144 --> 00:43:11,385 Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone. 727 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,222 T.S. Quint. Where's your sense of chivalry? 728 00:43:14,858 --> 00:43:16,895 Oh, my God! ls that Brodie? 729 00:43:18,612 --> 00:43:20,603 You're fucking kidding? The Easter Bunny did this? 730 00:43:20,697 --> 00:43:22,108 All I said was the Easter Bunny 731 00:43:22,199 --> 00:43:24,065 at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing. 732 00:43:24,159 --> 00:43:25,999 He just jumped the railing and knocked me down. 733 00:43:26,078 --> 00:43:29,116 He's fucking dead! Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure. 734 00:43:29,206 --> 00:43:30,350 What the hell happened to him? 735 00:43:30,374 --> 00:43:32,185 The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass. 736 00:43:32,209 --> 00:43:33,209 I had it coming. 737 00:43:33,293 --> 00:43:36,831 Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob. What really happened? 738 00:43:36,922 --> 00:43:40,165 The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach. 739 00:43:40,259 --> 00:43:42,125 Shannon Hamilton? You know that guy? 740 00:43:42,219 --> 00:43:43,755 I went out with him after we dated. 741 00:43:43,846 --> 00:43:46,304 He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable once. 742 00:43:46,390 --> 00:43:49,132 What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Sounds like his M.O. 743 00:43:49,226 --> 00:43:51,012 Can you get up? Am I still glowing? 744 00:43:51,103 --> 00:43:53,470 You're barely breathing. Was Rene involved in any of this? 745 00:43:53,564 --> 00:43:55,805 This was an independent act of aggression. 746 00:43:55,899 --> 00:43:58,766 He told me that his intentions were to penetrate my ex-girlfriend 747 00:43:58,861 --> 00:44:01,694 in the most notorious of body cavities. Sounds just like him. 748 00:44:01,780 --> 00:44:04,317 You better tell Rene. Let him do whatever the hell he wants. 749 00:44:04,408 --> 00:44:07,867 If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is, she deserves the discomfort. 750 00:44:07,953 --> 00:44:11,787 I, on the other hand, have had just about all the discomfort I can stand for a day. 751 00:44:11,915 --> 00:44:13,326 Shit, I'm late. I gotta go. 752 00:44:13,417 --> 00:44:15,311 You're just gonna leave with him in this condition? 753 00:44:15,335 --> 00:44:17,451 I gotta split. You gonna be okay? 754 00:44:17,546 --> 00:44:19,833 Couple of pins in the hip, I'll be good as new. 755 00:44:19,923 --> 00:44:23,336 That's my boy. Bye, guys. Be good. 756 00:44:24,553 --> 00:44:28,342 Women, always leaving you when you've just had the crap kicked out of you. 757 00:44:28,432 --> 00:44:30,451 You look like you're gonna live to me. You stay here. 758 00:44:30,475 --> 00:44:32,182 I gotta hit the bathroom. 759 00:44:32,936 --> 00:44:35,428 Please, don't say "hit!" 760 00:44:38,901 --> 00:44:40,312 All right, honey. 761 00:44:40,402 --> 00:44:42,422 Don't forget to look for your Easter eggs on Sunday. 762 00:44:42,446 --> 00:44:44,278 Bye-bye, Easter Bunny. 763 00:44:44,698 --> 00:44:47,440 All right, who's next? It's hot in this goddamn suit! 764 00:44:48,368 --> 00:44:51,281 Hey, guys. Wait in line like everybody else. 765 00:44:51,580 --> 00:44:53,696 What the hell is this? This is for Brodie. 766 00:45:07,846 --> 00:45:08,881 He's here. 767 00:45:08,972 --> 00:45:10,303 What? Him and Brodie. 768 00:45:10,390 --> 00:45:12,597 Don't sweat it, though. He's leaving. 769 00:45:13,477 --> 00:45:16,310 He seems really broken up over this whole thing. 770 00:45:16,396 --> 00:45:19,263 Maybe because we're broken up for good this time. 771 00:45:20,234 --> 00:45:24,694 I remember when I dumped T.S. I was all right with it till he started dating you. 772 00:45:24,780 --> 00:45:27,943 A little jealousy residue? I thought so at first. 773 00:45:28,033 --> 00:45:29,990 Then I realized it was more than that. 774 00:45:30,202 --> 00:45:31,738 When I saw how he was with you, 775 00:45:31,828 --> 00:45:33,694 how well you two complemented each other, 776 00:45:33,830 --> 00:45:36,538 it finally hit me that T.S. is a great catch. 777 00:45:37,376 --> 00:45:40,664 Gwen, you were always cheating on him. Capricious youth? 778 00:45:40,796 --> 00:45:42,707 Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful about it. 779 00:45:42,839 --> 00:45:45,251 Jesus, Gwen. The last thing I need at this point 780 00:45:45,342 --> 00:45:47,253 is a lecture on my love life. 781 00:45:47,344 --> 00:45:51,008 All I'm saying is that the really good guys are few and far between. 782 00:45:51,139 --> 00:45:53,426 In fact, I haven't met one since T.S. 783 00:45:53,517 --> 00:45:58,182 Even if I did meet one, I guarantee I'd use him as the basis for my comparison. 784 00:45:58,313 --> 00:46:00,350 You can have him if you want him. 785 00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:03,023 Believe me, I might consider trying 786 00:46:03,694 --> 00:46:05,856 if he weren't so hung up on you. 787 00:46:07,030 --> 00:46:08,987 Well, I gotta get home. 788 00:46:09,533 --> 00:46:12,150 Have a great show. Okay. Bye. 789 00:46:22,754 --> 00:46:24,540 Chocolate-covered pretzel? 790 00:46:25,507 --> 00:46:28,420 This is Roddy, Mr. Svenning's assistant. 791 00:46:28,510 --> 00:46:31,593 Mr. Svenning would like to have a word with you. 792 00:46:31,972 --> 00:46:36,182 Where? These are melting. Copy that. By the stage. 793 00:46:38,145 --> 00:46:40,386 Tell him I'll be there in a minute. 794 00:46:42,482 --> 00:46:44,189 What do you think? I don't trust it. 795 00:46:44,359 --> 00:46:46,726 Maybe he's calmed down a little bit. We'll talk reasonably. 796 00:46:46,820 --> 00:46:49,858 Reasonably, shmeasonably. You should go over there and give him shit. 797 00:46:49,948 --> 00:46:51,718 You kidding? I'm trying to marry his daughter. 798 00:46:51,742 --> 00:46:54,484 All right, so you can't scream at him, but after all he's done 799 00:46:54,578 --> 00:46:57,696 you should still kind of stick it to him. How do you propose I do that? 800 00:46:57,789 --> 00:46:59,951 You stink-palm him. Stink-palm? 801 00:47:00,417 --> 00:47:02,579 Take your hand and you stick it in your ass like this. 802 00:47:02,669 --> 00:47:04,669 You've been walking all day and you're also nervous 803 00:47:04,755 --> 00:47:06,166 and no doubt you're sweaty as hell. 804 00:47:06,256 --> 00:47:07,483 You should see yourself right now. 805 00:47:07,507 --> 00:47:08,838 A man with his hand in his pants. 806 00:47:08,925 --> 00:47:10,632 I probably look like my old man. 807 00:47:11,678 --> 00:47:13,214 Now you shake hands with the guy. 808 00:47:13,347 --> 00:47:16,339 "Hey, Mr. Svenning. How've you been?" What's the point? 809 00:47:16,433 --> 00:47:18,515 Know how long it takes for that smell to come off? 810 00:47:18,602 --> 00:47:21,515 Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for at least two days. 811 00:47:21,605 --> 00:47:23,721 How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? 812 00:47:23,815 --> 00:47:26,227 They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly. 813 00:47:26,318 --> 00:47:29,436 Meanwhile, you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit? 814 00:47:29,696 --> 00:47:33,280 Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies. 815 00:47:33,450 --> 00:47:35,657 I think I'll pass. Do me a favor. 816 00:47:35,744 --> 00:47:37,735 Stay here while I go talk to him. 817 00:47:50,509 --> 00:47:53,718 I assure you, tonight's program will go off without a hitch. 818 00:47:53,804 --> 00:47:55,420 I hope so, Jared, for your sake. 819 00:47:55,514 --> 00:47:57,514 You picked a dangerous mall to host a game show in. 820 00:47:57,599 --> 00:47:59,715 I hear the Easter Bunny was accosted this morning. 821 00:47:59,810 --> 00:48:01,721 If there's anything even remotely resembling 822 00:48:01,812 --> 00:48:03,849 the trouble you had at the Governor's Ball, 823 00:48:03,939 --> 00:48:05,539 you're gonna be hosting the Lotto drawing 824 00:48:05,565 --> 00:48:07,897 on public access the rest of your career. 825 00:48:07,984 --> 00:48:10,442 Gentlemen, please trust me. 826 00:48:10,529 --> 00:48:13,066 I have just taken the necessary precautions 827 00:48:13,156 --> 00:48:16,990 to insure everything will go smoothly. 828 00:48:22,999 --> 00:48:27,539 Nothing to worry about. Sound test! 829 00:48:27,921 --> 00:48:30,663 I tell you what. Why don't... 830 00:48:31,049 --> 00:48:34,667 Why don't I meet you back here around show time? 831 00:48:42,894 --> 00:48:44,350 Somebody said you wanted to see me? 832 00:48:44,438 --> 00:48:45,803 Quint, 833 00:48:47,566 --> 00:48:51,685 I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter. 834 00:48:52,279 --> 00:48:54,020 The two of you 835 00:48:54,531 --> 00:48:59,116 have been dating long enough for you to have slimed your way into her panties 836 00:48:59,202 --> 00:49:03,446 and I'm sure you did just that at least once or twice 837 00:49:03,540 --> 00:49:06,623 in my own house, probably while I was at home. 838 00:49:06,710 --> 00:49:11,671 Brandi has a bright future. 839 00:49:12,424 --> 00:49:17,385 She is an extremely intelligent and capable girl. 840 00:49:17,512 --> 00:49:22,257 And I'm sure that one day she'll be even more successful than me. 841 00:49:23,268 --> 00:49:24,303 Maybe. 842 00:49:24,394 --> 00:49:25,429 But you... 843 00:49:27,022 --> 00:49:31,892 You, on the other hand, have absolutely no ambition. 844 00:49:34,237 --> 00:49:38,572 And no chance of making it in the real world. 845 00:49:42,037 --> 00:49:45,780 My daughter is too good for you. 846 00:49:46,625 --> 00:49:51,085 You will never, ever be with her. 847 00:49:54,216 --> 00:49:56,924 If there isn't anything else... 848 00:49:57,594 --> 00:49:59,210 Hey, fellas! 849 00:49:59,804 --> 00:50:03,422 Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbor. 850 00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:05,716 Mr. Svenning, how have you... 851 00:50:05,810 --> 00:50:08,677 Damn! Would you feel that iron-grip handshake! 852 00:50:08,772 --> 00:50:10,433 Like Burt Reynolds and shit. 853 00:50:10,524 --> 00:50:12,640 So, what's going on here? 854 00:50:13,109 --> 00:50:17,398 T.S. and I were just discussing a few of his lesser points. 855 00:50:17,489 --> 00:50:19,480 Of which he does have many. 856 00:50:19,574 --> 00:50:22,362 Hey! Look at that ring. What is that? 857 00:50:22,452 --> 00:50:26,821 That is my junior-college class ring. Cum laude, '69. 858 00:50:26,957 --> 00:50:30,746 I also hope to come loud one day, preferably in a 69. 859 00:50:34,047 --> 00:50:37,790 Say, would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel? 860 00:50:37,884 --> 00:50:40,546 They're a little melty, but, damn, are they exquisite. 861 00:50:40,637 --> 00:50:43,971 If I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan. 862 00:50:46,017 --> 00:50:48,133 Dark chocolate? Yeah! 863 00:50:48,645 --> 00:50:49,726 Come on! No, please, no! 864 00:50:49,813 --> 00:50:52,145 They're awesome. Here you go. 865 00:50:56,403 --> 00:50:57,814 Thank you. 866 00:51:06,705 --> 00:51:10,289 That's good. Very nice. 867 00:51:12,168 --> 00:51:15,832 Being a man who believes in 868 00:51:16,214 --> 00:51:18,501 "one good turn deserves another"... 869 00:51:20,427 --> 00:51:21,963 I have something 870 00:51:22,053 --> 00:51:23,464 to offer 871 00:51:23,555 --> 00:51:24,795 the both of you. 872 00:51:24,889 --> 00:51:26,300 Really, what's that? 873 00:51:32,355 --> 00:51:34,687 What is this? These are called handcuffs. 874 00:51:34,774 --> 00:51:37,436 Once I realized you two were in the mall, 875 00:51:37,527 --> 00:51:39,734 I decided to set up this little ambush 876 00:51:40,447 --> 00:51:41,983 to remove 877 00:51:42,073 --> 00:51:47,034 you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently. 878 00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:50,954 Why am I his sidekick? How do you know he's not my sidekick? 879 00:51:51,041 --> 00:51:53,032 You're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge. 880 00:51:53,126 --> 00:51:56,585 Rene! Get Jay and Silent Bob! Please! 881 00:51:56,671 --> 00:51:59,538 Hurry! Did somebody call your name? 882 00:52:00,717 --> 00:52:02,799 I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here, okay? 883 00:52:02,886 --> 00:52:05,594 Hey, anything for you, babe. It's your day. 884 00:52:05,722 --> 00:52:07,087 Thanks. 885 00:52:08,642 --> 00:52:11,304 I'll tell you, what you need is a fatty-boombatty blunt. 886 00:52:11,394 --> 00:52:13,226 Then I guarantee you see a sailboat 887 00:52:13,313 --> 00:52:17,398 an ocean, and maybe even some of them big-titted mermaids doing lesbian shit. 888 00:52:17,525 --> 00:52:20,483 Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch! 889 00:52:21,655 --> 00:52:24,067 Dude, you're a mad chick magnet! 890 00:52:24,324 --> 00:52:27,737 T.S., Brodie, security guards. 891 00:52:27,827 --> 00:52:30,489 Under arrest, they need help! Go! 892 00:52:33,500 --> 00:52:36,242 Wow. A sailboat. 893 00:52:37,587 --> 00:52:39,874 Brenda? Dick! 894 00:52:45,512 --> 00:52:48,721 This is illegal! You can't arrest us for nothing! 895 00:52:52,310 --> 00:52:53,892 All right. 896 00:52:53,978 --> 00:52:56,686 I believe when Mr. LaFours turns us over to the police 897 00:52:56,773 --> 00:52:59,390 the bag of contraband that he's "found" on our persons 898 00:52:59,484 --> 00:53:02,021 will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up. 899 00:53:02,112 --> 00:53:05,571 At least for the duration of this evening's show. Isn't that right, Mr. LaFours? 900 00:53:08,618 --> 00:53:12,987 Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! 901 00:53:13,081 --> 00:53:14,081 Snootchy bootchies! 902 00:53:23,550 --> 00:53:25,507 Vulcan nerve pinch? That was close. 903 00:53:25,593 --> 00:53:28,085 What about that stink-palm back there? He even licked his hand. 904 00:53:28,179 --> 00:53:30,511 We gotta disappear, man. They'll be looking for us. 905 00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:33,348 Thank you, man. We owe you one. You want to hide? 906 00:53:33,435 --> 00:53:35,275 I know just the place. Whatever. Let's just go. 907 00:53:35,353 --> 00:53:37,185 Don't I even get to wash my hand first? 908 00:53:55,832 --> 00:53:57,664 What the shit are we gonna do? 909 00:54:10,180 --> 00:54:13,844 Come on, we're fucked! They're right behind us. Come on! 910 00:54:17,562 --> 00:54:20,395 Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah! 911 00:54:42,921 --> 00:54:45,709 Where do you get those wonderful toys? 912 00:54:49,719 --> 00:54:51,301 This is where we're hiding out? 913 00:54:51,387 --> 00:54:53,003 This is the dirt mall! 914 00:54:53,056 --> 00:54:57,050 Cops never come in here. Neither does any self-respecting consumer. 915 00:54:59,771 --> 00:55:02,183 I never could figure out what you saw in this place. 916 00:55:02,273 --> 00:55:04,981 Good buys. Great people. Earthy aromas. 917 00:55:05,068 --> 00:55:07,105 - Hey, Walt! - Brodie! 918 00:55:07,195 --> 00:55:10,108 They know me here. I wouldn't be too proud of that. 919 00:55:10,198 --> 00:55:12,235 Listen to the sound of defeat in your voice. 920 00:55:12,325 --> 00:55:14,817 Might it have to do with the fact that I've been defeated? 921 00:55:14,911 --> 00:55:16,822 Man, you're giving up? You? 922 00:55:16,913 --> 00:55:19,826 You used to be a stand-up kind of guy. What happened to that guy? 923 00:55:19,916 --> 00:55:23,500 The guy who punched Amanda Gross' mother after she called him “low-class." 924 00:55:23,586 --> 00:55:26,795 That wasn't me, that was you. Oh, yeah. 925 00:55:26,881 --> 00:55:28,667 It wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother. 926 00:55:28,758 --> 00:55:31,090 No wonder the bitch went down so fast. 927 00:55:32,095 --> 00:55:36,259 You should have boards in them. All right? Bloody savage. 928 00:55:37,058 --> 00:55:39,846 That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. 929 00:55:39,936 --> 00:55:42,223 You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother 930 00:55:42,313 --> 00:55:45,897 or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle. 931 00:55:45,984 --> 00:55:48,100 But only if they were really old. 932 00:55:48,278 --> 00:55:50,110 Maybe I was deluded. 933 00:55:50,446 --> 00:55:52,107 Maybe you were right this morning 934 00:55:52,198 --> 00:55:55,031 when you said if something stupid could change how she feels 935 00:55:55,118 --> 00:55:56,700 she's not into it in the first place. 936 00:55:56,786 --> 00:55:59,619 You'd listen to me? To something I said? 937 00:55:59,789 --> 00:56:03,407 Jesus! Haven't I made it clear during the tenure of our friendship 938 00:56:03,501 --> 00:56:04,741 that I don't know shit? 939 00:56:04,836 --> 00:56:07,669 I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass. 940 00:56:07,797 --> 00:56:09,253 Or sticking my hand in it. 941 00:56:09,340 --> 00:56:13,334 Sometimes, but on occasion you've been known to let a nugget of truth slip out. 942 00:56:13,469 --> 00:56:15,585 This morning might have been one of those occasions. 943 00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:17,262 You know what you need? 944 00:56:17,348 --> 00:56:19,214 Some sage-like advice. 945 00:56:19,309 --> 00:56:21,346 You've given me enough for one day, thanks. 946 00:56:21,477 --> 00:56:24,970 Not from me, from Ivannah. Who's Ivannah? 947 00:56:33,948 --> 00:56:36,736 I can't even find the words. Is that ingenuity or what? 948 00:56:36,826 --> 00:56:39,113 What's palm-reading have to do with being topless? 949 00:56:39,203 --> 00:56:40,785 It makes the news easier to take. 950 00:56:40,872 --> 00:56:42,738 She could tell me I'll die in 10 minutes 951 00:56:42,832 --> 00:56:44,493 so long as she told me topless. 952 00:56:44,667 --> 00:56:48,706 Your maleness amazes me sometimes. What can I say? I love tits. 953 00:56:48,838 --> 00:56:52,001 What kind of people patronize this service? People like us. 954 00:56:52,634 --> 00:56:54,341 Wait a minute, you're not suggesting... 955 00:56:54,427 --> 00:56:56,464 Don't be such a damn fundamentalist. 956 00:56:56,554 --> 00:56:59,592 I've already reached my lowest. This is where I draw the line. 957 00:56:59,682 --> 00:57:01,673 You used to like tits, too. 958 00:57:01,768 --> 00:57:05,352 I love tits as much as the next guy, but why pay some old hag good money 959 00:57:05,438 --> 00:57:09,181 for supernatural chicanery coupled with sagging, wrinkled, weathered boobs? 960 00:57:10,777 --> 00:57:13,860 Man, this place is something out of Octopussy. 961 00:57:14,530 --> 00:57:17,613 You've come for a glimpse at your future? 962 00:57:17,700 --> 00:57:19,862 Amongst other things. 963 00:57:20,703 --> 00:57:24,321 Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly. 964 00:57:24,707 --> 00:57:28,325 If you have heart condition, suffer from nervous nausea 965 00:57:28,419 --> 00:57:31,878 or have a family history of stress-induced breakdown... 966 00:57:31,965 --> 00:57:35,708 Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake 967 00:57:35,802 --> 00:57:39,295 in the fortune-telling activities contained within. 968 00:57:40,723 --> 00:57:41,963 You guys still in? 969 00:57:42,058 --> 00:57:44,470 We're both healthy and strapping young men. 970 00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:47,643 You give me $58.60. 971 00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:51,481 What? 972 00:57:53,194 --> 00:57:55,936 You expect me to pay for this? I'm broke. I'll pay you back. 973 00:57:56,030 --> 00:57:59,068 I knew it. I can't believe you. I didn't even want to do this. 974 00:57:59,158 --> 00:58:00,774 You'll thank me later. 975 00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:05,115 Thank you. 976 00:58:09,002 --> 00:58:12,620 All right, gentlemen, free your mind. 977 00:58:13,297 --> 00:58:14,913 I'd like to free something. 978 00:58:15,216 --> 00:58:17,173 Focus. That's what I was thinking. 979 00:58:17,260 --> 00:58:18,921 She said "focus." Whatever. 980 00:58:23,599 --> 00:58:27,263 I sense a grave disturbance between you both. 981 00:58:27,770 --> 00:58:31,308 A difficulty in affecting a resolution 982 00:58:31,566 --> 00:58:33,102 for a problem. 983 00:58:33,860 --> 00:58:35,476 Something hard. 984 00:58:35,820 --> 00:58:39,063 I'm convinced. She's got the gift. Try to contain yourself. 985 00:58:39,157 --> 00:58:42,400 Miss, I appreciate the effort and I'm sure you're very good at 986 00:58:42,493 --> 00:58:43,983 whatever it is you do, 987 00:58:44,078 --> 00:58:48,663 but my shallow friend isn't interested in his future, so you can cut the theatrics. 988 00:58:49,500 --> 00:58:53,414 What a relief. I do so much better when I don't have to say things in character. 989 00:58:53,504 --> 00:58:55,495 You don't have to say anything at all. 990 00:58:55,590 --> 00:58:57,581 You paid, I should tell you something. 991 00:58:57,675 --> 00:58:59,632 In order to do that 992 00:59:00,344 --> 00:59:02,506 I have to work completely 993 00:59:04,182 --> 00:59:07,140 unfettered. 994 00:59:13,941 --> 00:59:15,056 Oh, yes. 995 00:59:15,818 --> 00:59:19,402 I can definitely sense the problem. Here. 996 00:59:19,906 --> 00:59:21,817 Girl trouble. 997 00:59:22,033 --> 00:59:26,778 Apparently, you're both on the outs with your respective steadies. 998 00:59:26,996 --> 00:59:29,738 That's amazing. That's disgusting! 999 00:59:29,832 --> 00:59:33,496 You both feel the pain 1000 00:59:34,212 --> 00:59:35,452 of loss. 1001 00:59:35,546 --> 00:59:38,538 But only one of you makes it vocal. 1002 00:59:38,841 --> 00:59:42,254 The other one suffers silently. 1003 00:59:42,845 --> 00:59:45,086 My God, you're right. We gotta go. 1004 00:59:45,181 --> 00:59:47,297 How can this be resolved? 1005 00:59:47,391 --> 00:59:50,224 I would say, yes, 1006 00:59:50,436 --> 00:59:51,926 combine your efforts. 1007 00:59:52,021 --> 00:59:53,056 That's what I see. 1008 00:59:53,147 --> 00:59:54,933 Let me tell you what I see... That's great! 1009 00:59:55,024 --> 00:59:58,608 I don't buy her power. All right, when's my birthday? 1010 00:59:59,987 --> 01:00:04,447 Between the first and the last 1011 01:00:05,159 --> 01:00:07,446 of October. 1012 01:00:07,537 --> 01:00:10,029 Did you hear that? Very haunting. Let's go. 1013 01:00:10,164 --> 01:00:15,079 Why are you stuck here in this dirt mall and not in an upscale commercial setting? 1014 01:00:15,336 --> 01:00:17,828 You could be raking in the dough with your kind cf accuracy. 1015 01:00:17,922 --> 01:00:21,711 Believe it or not, some people still frown on topless fortune-telling. 1016 01:00:21,884 --> 01:00:25,093 Unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective. 1017 01:00:25,805 --> 01:00:28,797 Really? It's the third nipple that does it. 1018 01:00:28,891 --> 01:00:30,131 You have a third nipple? 1019 01:00:30,226 --> 01:00:31,967 What are you talking about? 1020 01:00:32,061 --> 01:00:34,644 It's clear as day! Look at it, for God's sake. 1021 01:00:34,730 --> 01:00:37,097 You can stare at it. I don't mind. 1022 01:00:37,483 --> 01:00:40,066 Understanding is reached 1023 01:00:40,153 --> 01:00:42,986 only after confrontation. 1024 01:00:45,241 --> 01:00:46,572 Of course! 1025 01:00:47,368 --> 01:00:51,077 Thank you so much. I can't tell you how informative you've been. 1026 01:00:51,539 --> 01:00:52,745 Thank you very much. 1027 01:00:53,666 --> 01:00:56,579 And don't ever lose that nipple. I won't. 1028 01:01:03,885 --> 01:01:06,547 Do you have... Any other extra body parts? 1029 01:01:06,637 --> 01:01:08,594 No. Just curious. 1030 01:01:08,848 --> 01:01:11,761 You could double-check me, if you like. 1031 01:01:11,851 --> 01:01:13,842 Really? T.S.: Come on! 1032 01:01:24,155 --> 01:01:25,941 Works every time. 1033 01:01:38,336 --> 01:01:39,451 You're gonna what? 1034 01:01:39,545 --> 01:01:41,456 I'll get on her dad's show. Are you kidding? 1035 01:01:41,547 --> 01:01:45,040 Last time he had dope planted on us. What will he do this time? 1036 01:01:45,134 --> 01:01:47,546 He can't touch us once it starts. It's a live feed. 1037 01:01:47,637 --> 01:01:49,878 He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs. 1038 01:01:49,972 --> 01:01:52,304 It can't happen. I'll make it happen. 1039 01:01:52,391 --> 01:01:54,473 "Understanding is reached only after confrontation." 1040 01:01:54,560 --> 01:01:57,097 That's what Ivannah said. Brandi will respond to confrontation. 1041 01:01:57,188 --> 01:02:00,146 Hey, weren't you the guy that broke up with Brandi Svenning? 1042 01:02:00,942 --> 01:02:02,432 What the hell's your problem, anyway? 1043 01:02:02,526 --> 01:02:05,564 You're supposed to be the impetuous one, not me. Why are you fighting me? 1044 01:02:05,655 --> 01:02:06,655 I'm being rational! 1045 01:02:06,739 --> 01:02:09,948 You're scared you may want to follow my lead and win Rene back! 1046 01:02:10,034 --> 01:02:12,492 Rene who? Whatever. Just do me a favor. 1047 01:02:12,578 --> 01:02:14,139 Meet me by the stage once the show starts. 1048 01:02:14,163 --> 01:02:16,530 I'll need your help. Where are you going? 1049 01:02:16,666 --> 01:02:19,533 Shopping. What the hell am I supposed to do? 1050 01:02:21,087 --> 01:02:23,454 Dude, this looks like your mom. 1051 01:02:23,839 --> 01:02:26,171 I've been looking all over for you two. We're hiding. 1052 01:02:26,259 --> 01:02:27,294 In a bookstore? 1053 01:02:27,385 --> 01:02:29,592 Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch. 1054 01:02:29,679 --> 01:02:31,261 I need your help. What? 1055 01:02:31,347 --> 01:02:33,509 You two up for getting stoned? Look who you're asking. 1056 01:02:40,356 --> 01:02:42,939 You looking at that couple inside? 1057 01:02:43,859 --> 01:02:47,193 Actually, I was just looking at this little pink number over here. 1058 01:02:47,280 --> 01:02:51,194 That's kind of nice. They look happy, don't they? 1059 01:02:51,492 --> 01:02:54,826 What, the bras? No, the couple. They look happy. 1060 01:02:55,538 --> 01:02:57,825 I guess, as far as couples go. 1061 01:02:57,915 --> 01:03:01,533 You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-Man I did. 1062 01:03:01,919 --> 01:03:05,787 When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping. 1063 01:03:06,382 --> 01:03:08,373 Of course, the Green Goblin showed up 1064 01:03:08,467 --> 01:03:11,175 and he pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place. 1065 01:03:11,262 --> 01:03:14,220 But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing. 1066 01:03:14,307 --> 01:03:15,718 Oh, my God! 1067 01:03:16,892 --> 01:03:18,474 Holy shit! 1068 01:03:20,104 --> 01:03:23,017 Aren't you... Stan Lee. Hi. 1069 01:03:25,067 --> 01:03:28,059 What's up, boys? You guys on this show? That's the rumor. 1070 01:03:28,237 --> 01:03:31,150 Man, between hoping to win, the crowd out there 1071 01:03:31,240 --> 01:03:33,948 and being on TV, I'd be scared as hell if I were you two. 1072 01:03:34,076 --> 01:03:36,534 Yeah? Sure, man. What if you fuck up? 1073 01:03:36,620 --> 01:03:38,110 Your friends and family watching. 1074 01:03:38,205 --> 01:03:41,698 I'd be piss scared I'd get a boner or fucking fart or something. 1075 01:03:41,792 --> 01:03:44,534 He's got a point, man. This is live. Anything could happen. 1076 01:03:44,628 --> 01:03:47,461 Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous. 1077 01:03:47,631 --> 01:03:50,339 There's only one thing that could take off that edge. 1078 01:03:50,426 --> 01:03:52,133 Make you feel relaxed as hell. 1079 01:03:52,636 --> 01:03:55,549 Make you forget how many people are staring at you here and on TV. 1080 01:03:55,639 --> 01:03:57,255 And what's that? 1081 01:03:57,767 --> 01:03:59,929 Snootchy-bootchy nootchies! 1082 01:04:00,436 --> 01:04:03,645 The Fantastic Four. Reed Richards. Can his whole body stretch? 1083 01:04:03,773 --> 01:04:06,891 I mean every part, you know, like his... I know what you mean. 1084 01:04:06,984 --> 01:04:10,102 We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days. 1085 01:04:10,196 --> 01:04:12,358 What with the comic-book code and all. 1086 01:04:12,448 --> 01:04:15,031 I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you! 1087 01:04:15,117 --> 01:04:18,530 You're responsible for the greats. Let's do the list. Spider-Man? 1088 01:04:18,662 --> 01:04:20,323 Guilty. The Incredible Hulk? 1089 01:04:20,414 --> 01:04:22,451 Afraid so. This is so cool. 1090 01:04:22,541 --> 01:04:24,999 The X-Men? Now that you mention it. 1091 01:04:25,086 --> 01:04:27,498 Shit, man. You are a god! 1092 01:04:27,588 --> 01:04:29,374 Hey, look at that couple. 1093 01:04:29,465 --> 01:04:32,002 Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh? 1094 01:04:32,134 --> 01:04:33,920 What's with that? That's the second time 1095 01:04:34,011 --> 01:04:35,718 you've commented on couples in love. 1096 01:04:35,805 --> 01:04:37,842 Well, I like that sort of thing. 1097 01:04:37,932 --> 01:04:40,094 Tell me, do you have a girlfriend, Brodie? 1098 01:04:40,267 --> 01:04:42,474 Had one. We just broke up. 1099 01:04:43,145 --> 01:04:46,558 The Thing? ls his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his body? 1100 01:04:46,649 --> 01:04:48,560 It's a superhero secret. 1101 01:04:48,651 --> 01:04:51,484 Tell me, Brodie. Why did you and your girlfriend break up? 1102 01:04:51,570 --> 01:04:55,188 She was a pain in the ass. She wanted me to be this typical boyfriend guy. 1103 01:04:55,282 --> 01:04:58,149 She said I was too into my own world of comics and all. 1104 01:04:58,744 --> 01:04:59,950 I can relate. 1105 01:05:00,329 --> 01:05:03,788 There was a time when it was all about comics for me. 1106 01:05:03,874 --> 01:05:06,912 I had a girl, probably the same as yours. 1107 01:05:07,503 --> 01:05:11,292 She always complained that I spent too much time with my own comics. 1108 01:05:11,382 --> 01:05:15,171 And eventually we broke up. See, what did she know? 1109 01:05:15,261 --> 01:05:16,922 Here you are now, a legend in the field. 1110 01:05:17,012 --> 01:05:19,094 You had a slew of women since her, right? 1111 01:05:19,849 --> 01:05:21,339 Lots of women. 1112 01:05:21,434 --> 01:05:25,143 Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. 1113 01:05:25,354 --> 01:05:28,767 Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead. 1114 01:05:28,858 --> 01:05:32,192 Damn, that's hot! But I never forgot that girl. 1115 01:05:32,278 --> 01:05:34,360 Did you ever get back together with her? 1116 01:05:34,447 --> 01:05:36,939 One day I found out she got married. 1117 01:05:37,116 --> 01:05:40,529 I had blown it. I had missed my window. 1118 01:05:40,619 --> 01:05:41,780 No way. 1119 01:05:42,121 --> 01:05:43,657 What'd you do? 1120 01:05:43,914 --> 01:05:45,575 I went on with my life. 1121 01:05:45,875 --> 01:05:49,368 I created some special new superheroes. 1122 01:05:49,795 --> 01:05:53,834 They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own regrets. 1123 01:05:53,924 --> 01:05:55,005 How so? 1124 01:05:55,092 --> 01:05:59,882 Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form. 1125 01:06:00,055 --> 01:06:01,511 Right? Yeah. 1126 01:06:01,599 --> 01:06:05,137 That was me beneath the armor. 1127 01:06:05,269 --> 01:06:06,304 The Hulk. 1128 01:06:06,645 --> 01:06:10,889 A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next. 1129 01:06:11,108 --> 01:06:14,146 Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up. 1130 01:06:14,320 --> 01:06:18,188 So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big regret. 1131 01:06:18,282 --> 01:06:23,027 Yeah, the girl that got away. Look, do yourself a favor, Brodie. 1132 01:06:23,120 --> 01:06:24,155 Don't wait. 1133 01:06:24,288 --> 01:06:27,155 Because all the money, all the women 1134 01:06:27,249 --> 01:06:29,456 even all the comic books in the world 1135 01:06:29,543 --> 01:06:32,331 they can't substitute for that one person. 1136 01:06:32,588 --> 01:06:36,422 I don't know. All the comics in the world? Trust me, true believer. 1137 01:06:36,592 --> 01:06:39,960 Well, good talking to you. Keep up all the good work. 1138 01:06:40,095 --> 01:06:42,553 You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em. 1139 01:06:43,641 --> 01:06:46,008 Hey, Stan! Yeah? 1140 01:06:46,602 --> 01:06:48,388 She really meant that much to you? 1141 01:06:48,479 --> 01:06:52,063 Brodie, I'd give it all up, all of it 1142 01:06:52,149 --> 01:06:54,607 for just one more day with her. 1143 01:06:55,444 --> 01:06:56,809 Take care. 1144 01:07:07,289 --> 01:07:09,030 Stan! Hi! 1145 01:07:09,166 --> 01:07:12,204 I think he bought it. What kind of story did you give him? 1146 01:07:12,294 --> 01:07:14,535 It was the Vulture's soliloquy, you know, 1147 01:07:14,630 --> 01:07:16,462 from the Spider-Man anniversary issue. 1148 01:07:16,549 --> 01:07:19,086 "Love Be a Vulture Tonight." Yeah. 1149 01:07:19,176 --> 01:07:21,588 I can't thank you enough, Mr. Lee. Forget it. 1150 01:07:21,679 --> 01:07:24,091 You know, I think you ought to get him some help. 1151 01:07:24,181 --> 01:07:27,970 He seems to be really hung up on superheroes' sex organs. 1152 01:07:28,143 --> 01:07:30,475 But he'll outgrow it. 1153 01:07:36,151 --> 01:07:37,607 I think I felt it move. 1154 01:07:38,445 --> 01:07:39,480 Just kidding. 1155 01:07:39,572 --> 01:07:41,633 Just the two I'm looking for. I need help. With what? 1156 01:07:41,657 --> 01:07:43,694 Let me borrow the Shannon Hamilton tape. Why? 1157 01:07:43,784 --> 01:07:46,151 It's important! The future of my relationship depends on it. 1158 01:07:46,245 --> 01:07:49,363 It's at my house. Take T.S.'s station wagon, parked in 2D. 1159 01:07:49,456 --> 01:07:51,572 I don't even have a license. Just go! 1160 01:07:52,418 --> 01:07:54,159 You still got that stage schematic? 1161 01:07:54,253 --> 01:07:56,836 I need you to wire something together for me. 1162 01:08:02,845 --> 01:08:04,552 Jesus. What's with him? 1163 01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:07,843 I don't know. I'm suddenly not feeling too well. 1164 01:08:08,267 --> 01:08:10,258 But everything is fine. 1165 01:08:10,352 --> 01:08:12,013 We're about to start. 1166 01:08:12,104 --> 01:08:15,847 You are in for something really special tonight, gentlemen. 1167 01:08:16,692 --> 01:08:18,274 I have lined up... 1168 01:08:21,530 --> 01:08:24,693 Excuse me. Jesus. 1169 01:08:29,038 --> 01:08:30,119 Sorry. 1170 01:08:30,205 --> 01:08:33,869 I have lined up some really bright kids here. 1171 01:08:33,959 --> 01:08:36,667 This promises to be a lot of fun. 1172 01:08:36,754 --> 01:08:37,994 I'm sure you're gonna love it. 1173 01:08:38,088 --> 01:08:39,704 Shouldn't you be in bed or something? 1174 01:08:39,798 --> 01:08:43,382 No. I wouldn't miss this for the world. 1175 01:08:48,474 --> 01:08:52,092 Make sure everybody's ready and let's start. 1176 01:09:01,320 --> 01:09:02,731 How much did you smoke? 1177 01:09:02,821 --> 01:09:06,985 All it took was a fat chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights. 1178 01:09:07,076 --> 01:09:09,113 How much do I owe you? My treat. 1179 01:09:09,244 --> 01:09:12,157 As long as you promise, next time you pop your old lady, 1180 01:09:12,247 --> 01:09:14,955 you make her call you "Jay." Snootchy bootchies. 1181 01:09:15,084 --> 01:09:16,449 Let's hope there is a next time. 1182 01:09:16,585 --> 01:09:18,417 All right, I'm ready. 1183 01:09:18,754 --> 01:09:21,416 You're never gonna believe who I just met. 1184 01:09:21,757 --> 01:09:25,091 What the hell happened to these two? Power of the Dark Side. 1185 01:09:25,260 --> 01:09:26,466 Wait, there's only two. 1186 01:09:26,595 --> 01:09:28,802 There's supposed to be three. Where's the third guy? 1187 01:09:28,889 --> 01:09:31,597 - I never saw a third guy. - Who's this asshole? 1188 01:09:31,725 --> 01:09:33,716 What the hell happened to those guys? 1189 01:09:33,977 --> 01:09:36,264 They got lightheaded. You got that right. 1190 01:09:36,397 --> 01:09:39,014 They gonna cancel the show? What do you care? 1191 01:09:39,108 --> 01:09:42,271 I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks. Suitor Number Three. 1192 01:09:42,403 --> 01:09:45,646 We're taking their place. I'm T.S. Quint. This is Brodie Bruce. 1193 01:09:45,781 --> 01:09:49,775 Didn't I see you on the news? Dude. Don't give him any shit, all right? 1194 01:09:49,910 --> 01:09:52,026 Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning? 1195 01:09:52,121 --> 01:09:55,113 Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria. 1196 01:09:55,249 --> 01:09:56,455 What happened to those two? 1197 01:09:56,583 --> 01:09:58,699 Homeboys got a case of the mad munchies. 1198 01:09:58,794 --> 01:10:01,252 Hey, Rowdy Roddy. Isn't this the guy Svenning had arrested? 1199 01:10:01,338 --> 01:10:03,170 Yes, it is. All right, Quint. 1200 01:10:03,257 --> 01:10:06,124 I don't know how you got back in, but I'm alerting Mr. Svenning. 1201 01:10:06,218 --> 01:10:08,676 We'll postpone the start until we figure this all out. 1202 01:10:08,762 --> 01:10:12,096 You called down the thunder, now you've got it! Security! 1203 01:10:12,182 --> 01:10:13,672 Hey, Roddy! What? 1204 01:10:16,061 --> 01:10:19,053 - Jesus Christ, you knocked him out. - Now hit him! 1205 01:10:19,148 --> 01:10:21,560 Somebody call security? What happened to those two? 1206 01:10:21,650 --> 01:10:24,483 They got stoned and knocked him out. He needs medical attention. 1207 01:10:24,570 --> 01:10:25,935 That's not what happened. 1208 01:10:26,029 --> 01:10:28,566 Could you have him removed? The show's about to start. 1209 01:10:28,657 --> 01:10:29,818 Whatever. 1210 01:10:32,661 --> 01:10:34,322 Look, dude. No more shit, all right? 1211 01:10:34,413 --> 01:10:37,280 Just go out and woo like you're supposed to and nobody gets hurt. 1212 01:10:37,374 --> 01:10:39,411 When Tricia shows up with the videotape, 1213 01:10:39,501 --> 01:10:41,162 you get it to Silent Bob, understand? 1214 01:10:41,253 --> 01:10:44,211 I'm on it. Wait a sec, where is that tubby bitch? 1215 01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:11,147 Good evening and welcome to Truth or Date. 1216 01:11:11,241 --> 01:11:14,950 One match made here ignites the fires of romance. 1217 01:11:15,037 --> 01:11:17,119 Hi, I'm Bob Summers, your host 1218 01:11:17,206 --> 01:11:20,289 and tonight we'll watch as one of our three lucky suitors 1219 01:11:20,375 --> 01:11:24,209 woos our beautiful, eligible suitor-ette. 1220 01:11:24,296 --> 01:11:27,960 Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for romance in the making 1221 01:11:28,050 --> 01:11:31,418 as we introduce the suitors! 1222 01:11:53,617 --> 01:11:57,906 Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in Economics. 1223 01:11:58,205 --> 01:12:00,993 Say hi to Doug Paging. 1224 01:12:06,171 --> 01:12:08,128 Do it, Doug! 1225 01:12:08,215 --> 01:12:11,674 Our second suitor hails from Canisius College in Buffalo 1226 01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:13,876 where he majors in Communications. 1227 01:12:13,971 --> 01:12:17,589 Say hi to Rob Feature. 1228 01:12:24,982 --> 01:12:27,189 Our final suitor goes to Rutgers 1229 01:12:27,276 --> 01:12:30,314 where he majors in Fine Arts and Greek mythology. 1230 01:12:30,445 --> 01:12:33,437 A nice welcome for Gil Hicks. 1231 01:12:35,325 --> 01:12:37,157 Pay attention, dick. 1232 01:12:37,953 --> 01:12:39,910 May the best man win. 1233 01:12:40,414 --> 01:12:44,248 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce our lovely suitor-ette. 1234 01:12:44,334 --> 01:12:47,998 From Monmouth State, where she majors in Astronomy and Earth Sciences, 1235 01:12:48,088 --> 01:12:52,582 a big welcome for the lovely Brandi Svenning. 1236 01:13:04,146 --> 01:13:07,184 AH right, everybody knows how the game is played. 1237 01:13:07,274 --> 01:13:11,142 Our lovely suitor-ette will ask a series of questions of our suitors 1238 01:13:11,236 --> 01:13:13,853 and make her decision based on their answers. 1239 01:13:13,947 --> 01:13:15,233 Anything goes! 1240 01:13:15,365 --> 01:13:17,276 Brandi, are you ready? 1241 01:13:17,576 --> 01:13:19,237 Absolutely, Bob. 1242 01:13:19,369 --> 01:13:21,576 Then you may fire when ready. 1243 01:13:25,417 --> 01:13:27,033 Suitor Number One. 1244 01:13:27,544 --> 01:13:30,912 If you were a car, what kind of car would you be? 1245 01:13:34,051 --> 01:13:37,089 The kind you'd never dump your boyfriend in. 1246 01:13:41,224 --> 01:13:44,637 Suitor Number Two. Can't you call me the Second Suitor? 1247 01:13:44,728 --> 01:13:47,641 "Suitor Number Two" sounds like a bathroom code, you know? 1248 01:13:49,691 --> 01:13:51,602 Second Suitor. 1249 01:13:51,693 --> 01:13:54,651 If we were making whoopee... What's whoopee? 1250 01:14:00,243 --> 01:14:01,654 If we were... 1251 01:14:01,745 --> 01:14:04,578 If we were being intimate... What, like fucking? 1252 01:14:08,877 --> 01:14:09,877 Yeah. 1253 01:14:10,212 --> 01:14:14,627 If we were, you know, what kind of noises would you make? 1254 01:14:21,723 --> 01:14:23,179 No, I think that's kind of personal. 1255 01:14:23,266 --> 01:14:25,223 I don't think I should answer that. 1256 01:14:26,436 --> 01:14:28,302 Suitor Number Three. 1257 01:14:29,147 --> 01:14:31,605 What would our first date be like? 1258 01:14:32,192 --> 01:14:35,810 First I'd take you shopping to the stores you'd want to shop in. 1259 01:14:35,904 --> 01:14:39,272 And then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus 1260 01:14:39,366 --> 01:14:41,073 followed by some golfing. 1261 01:14:41,201 --> 01:14:45,991 Then at night, we 'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus. 1262 01:14:46,415 --> 01:14:50,249 Then I'd follow it all up with a drive to a secluded beach 1263 01:14:50,419 --> 01:14:52,501 where I'd pop on the radio 1264 01:14:52,587 --> 01:14:55,955 and then we could slow dance till the sun came up. 1265 01:14:57,217 --> 01:15:00,585 That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! 1266 01:15:01,263 --> 01:15:04,676 I mean, look at you, you're the kind of guy that would beg for sex. 1267 01:15:04,933 --> 01:15:07,140 I should know, we can smell our own. 1268 01:15:13,608 --> 01:15:15,394 Suitor Number One. 1269 01:15:15,944 --> 01:15:19,232 If we fell in love, how would you propose to me? 1270 01:15:19,614 --> 01:15:22,948 When Jaws popped out of the water. Excuse me? 1271 01:15:24,286 --> 01:15:26,118 I'll propose to you right now. 1272 01:15:26,204 --> 01:15:28,366 I propose you stop letting your father run your life 1273 01:15:28,457 --> 01:15:31,218 and be true to yourself and not give up on someone you know has value. 1274 01:15:31,251 --> 01:15:33,618 Take off your socks when you make whoopee 1275 01:15:33,712 --> 01:15:37,000 or whatever that word is. He hates it when you leave them on. 1276 01:15:38,091 --> 01:15:40,378 What? Hypothetically speaking. 1277 01:15:40,469 --> 01:15:43,336 Suitor Number One, you sound familiar. 1278 01:15:43,597 --> 01:15:47,306 Like your conscience, maybe? Look, lady. You don't know him, all right? 1279 01:15:47,768 --> 01:15:50,009 Now make with the questions. 1280 01:15:50,145 --> 01:15:52,136 Suitor Number Three. 1281 01:15:52,481 --> 01:15:55,143 Is your kiss like a soft breeze, 1282 01:15:55,233 --> 01:15:57,725 a firm handshake, or a jackhammer? 1283 01:15:57,986 --> 01:15:59,727 What's the funny guy doing with his hands? 1284 01:15:59,821 --> 01:16:01,653 I don't want to know. 1285 01:16:03,033 --> 01:16:05,320 What the fuck is going on up there? 1286 01:16:05,577 --> 01:16:07,193 Definitely a jackhammer. 1287 01:16:07,287 --> 01:16:10,120 I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done, 1288 01:16:10,207 --> 01:16:13,245 you're not the same as before. You're changed. 1289 01:16:13,335 --> 01:16:15,576 Where do you come up with this shit? 1290 01:16:15,670 --> 01:16:19,584 That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard. 1291 01:16:19,674 --> 01:16:22,086 I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that. 1292 01:16:23,095 --> 01:16:27,840 Suitor Number Two, you have to wait until you're addressed before you respond. 1293 01:16:27,933 --> 01:16:32,177 Richard Dawson, go back to your podium until it's time to play the Feud, all right? 1294 01:16:35,357 --> 01:16:37,815 Who did you see me kiss? Some dude backstage. 1295 01:16:37,901 --> 01:16:39,901 I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed. 1296 01:16:39,986 --> 01:16:42,944 I didn't kiss any guy backstage, I swear. I'm not gay. 1297 01:16:43,031 --> 01:16:44,988 Hey, Suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe. 1298 01:16:45,075 --> 01:16:46,986 You heard how repulsed he sounded. 1299 01:16:47,077 --> 01:16:49,409 Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? 1300 01:16:49,496 --> 01:16:51,487 This hatemonger? I don't hate gay people! 1301 01:16:51,581 --> 01:16:52,912 So you love them? Yes! 1302 01:16:53,041 --> 01:16:55,829 I mean, no! Textbook closet case. Self-loather. 1303 01:16:55,919 --> 01:16:58,126 Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality. 1304 01:17:01,216 --> 01:17:02,627 Brodie said to give this to you. 1305 01:17:02,717 --> 01:17:04,958 Are you watching this shit, man? It's fucked up! 1306 01:17:05,053 --> 01:17:06,964 I don't want to be here when that tape 1307 01:17:07,055 --> 01:17:08,762 does what I think it's going to do. 1308 01:17:09,057 --> 01:17:12,015 Miss Suitor-ette, how about you answer a question for me? 1309 01:17:12,894 --> 01:17:15,932 I don't think that... How strong are your convictions? 1310 01:17:16,022 --> 01:17:17,183 What are you talking about? 1311 01:17:17,274 --> 01:17:19,515 How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us. 1312 01:17:19,609 --> 01:17:21,850 Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh, over here. 1313 01:17:21,945 --> 01:17:23,777 I'm not like Rush Limbaugh! 1314 01:17:23,864 --> 01:17:27,482 Why not, because he's fat? You got something against fat people, too? 1315 01:17:31,538 --> 01:17:33,495 Snootchy bootchies! 1316 01:17:34,124 --> 01:17:35,740 Are you ready? 1317 01:17:47,596 --> 01:17:50,930 If! have a conviction, I stick to it. 1318 01:17:51,057 --> 01:17:52,889 Were you ever in love? 1319 01:17:53,101 --> 01:17:55,684 Yes, as a matter of fact. Really? 1320 01:17:55,979 --> 01:17:58,311 What happened to your boyfriend? 1321 01:17:59,274 --> 01:18:01,641 We broke up. Why? 1322 01:18:02,986 --> 01:18:06,320 It just didn't work out. I mean, were you unhappy? 1323 01:18:06,406 --> 01:18:08,238 Sometimes. Why? 1324 01:18:09,451 --> 01:18:10,691 T.S.? 1325 01:18:10,785 --> 01:18:12,025 Hey, what about the rest of us? 1326 01:18:12,120 --> 01:18:14,487 Why don't you ask me a question? 1327 01:18:14,623 --> 01:18:15,988 Suitor Number Two. 1328 01:18:16,082 --> 01:18:18,949 Hey, what about me? Gil, just shut the fuck up! 1329 01:18:21,004 --> 01:18:22,369 Second Suitor, 1330 01:18:23,089 --> 01:18:25,296 would you ever make whoopee in public? 1331 01:18:25,425 --> 01:18:27,507 I already did once today. 1332 01:18:31,056 --> 01:18:34,720 But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. 1333 01:18:34,809 --> 01:18:36,345 He was on a plane to New Mexico 1334 01:18:36,436 --> 01:18:38,518 when all of a sudden the hydraulics went. 1335 01:18:38,605 --> 01:18:41,267 The plane started spinning around, going out of control. 1336 01:18:41,358 --> 01:18:43,440 He decides it's all over, whips it out 1337 01:18:43,526 --> 01:18:45,312 and starts beating it right there. 1338 01:18:45,403 --> 01:18:47,565 All the passengers take a cue from him, 1339 01:18:47,656 --> 01:18:50,148 they whip it out and start beating like mad. 1340 01:18:50,242 --> 01:18:52,574 So all the passengers are beating off, 1341 01:18:52,661 --> 01:18:54,402 plummeting to their certain doom 1342 01:18:54,496 --> 01:18:55,952 when all of a sudden 1343 01:18:56,081 --> 01:18:59,244 the hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself. 1344 01:18:59,668 --> 01:19:00,908 It lands safely 1345 01:19:01,002 --> 01:19:04,916 and everyone puts their pieces, or whatever, away and deboard. 1346 01:19:05,006 --> 01:19:08,169 Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else. 1347 01:19:15,016 --> 01:19:16,927 Did he come or what? 1348 01:19:17,018 --> 01:19:18,554 Jesus Christ, man! 1349 01:19:18,645 --> 01:19:21,683 There are just some things you don't talk about in public. 1350 01:19:22,274 --> 01:19:23,514 Second Suitor, 1351 01:19:23,984 --> 01:19:26,942 if you were a comic-book character, what character would you be? 1352 01:19:27,028 --> 01:19:28,985 Wow, that's a great question. 1353 01:19:29,197 --> 01:19:31,985 A tough one, though. What does one gauge his response on? 1354 01:19:32,075 --> 01:19:34,612 Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? 1355 01:19:34,703 --> 01:19:36,740 The ability to banter well with super villains? 1356 01:19:36,830 --> 01:19:38,571 How's your comic-book collection, Brodie? 1357 01:19:38,665 --> 01:19:40,827 It's going good. But, I mean... 1358 01:19:40,917 --> 01:19:42,954 Comics! What are you talking about? 1359 01:19:43,044 --> 01:19:45,911 I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids! 1360 01:19:46,006 --> 01:19:47,292 I knew it. 1361 01:19:47,382 --> 01:19:48,793 Suitor Number One, 1362 01:19:48,883 --> 01:19:51,375 you just don't know when to quit, do you? No. 1363 01:19:51,469 --> 01:19:54,177 No, but you sure do. I thought you were in love. 1364 01:19:54,264 --> 01:19:55,720 I was in love. 1365 01:19:56,057 --> 01:19:58,173 But I thought that I had a partner. 1366 01:19:58,268 --> 01:20:01,477 Somebody who wouldn't fall to pieces when things didn't go his way. 1367 01:20:01,563 --> 01:20:02,563 How so? 1368 01:20:02,605 --> 01:20:04,812 My father needed a contestant for his show, T.S. 1369 01:20:04,899 --> 01:20:06,481 What was I supposed to do? 1370 01:20:06,568 --> 01:20:09,526 Show a little backbone. Show a little backbone? 1371 01:20:09,696 --> 01:20:11,312 What did you do? 1372 01:20:11,573 --> 01:20:14,907 When I walked away, did you make any effort to repair that breach? 1373 01:20:15,076 --> 01:20:16,316 No, you just ran off 1374 01:20:16,411 --> 01:20:19,324 and cried on the shoulder of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there. 1375 01:20:19,414 --> 01:20:22,497 Boy Wonder? I'm all man, lady! 1376 01:20:22,584 --> 01:20:25,747 So you're here now and you're ruining my father's new show. 1377 01:20:26,087 --> 01:20:29,079 You're airing all our personal business on stage. 1378 01:20:29,299 --> 01:20:32,337 You've gone this far, T.S., why don't you just tell them the whole story? 1379 01:20:32,427 --> 01:20:35,340 There we were, mere hours from spending an entire week together 1380 01:20:35,430 --> 01:20:39,640 away from our family, school. She throws in the towel because her daddy says so. 1381 01:20:39,726 --> 01:20:43,765 The girl who was meant to be sitting in this chair died in a pool. 1382 01:20:44,397 --> 01:20:46,729 And when I tried to explain this to him, 1383 01:20:46,816 --> 01:20:48,853 he was such an asshole about it 1384 01:20:48,943 --> 01:20:52,277 that even though it killed me to do it, I broke up with him. 1385 01:20:52,947 --> 01:20:55,655 You know, I've been crying all day. 1386 01:20:55,742 --> 01:20:58,780 But what did he do? He just goes on with his life. 1387 01:20:58,995 --> 01:21:01,327 I mean here he is. He's hanging out at a mall. 1388 01:21:01,414 --> 01:21:03,451 You put yourself on an auction block for God's sake 1389 01:21:03,541 --> 01:21:05,202 in front of a live studio audience. 1390 01:21:05,293 --> 01:21:07,534 Do I get a chance to field any more questions? 1391 01:21:07,629 --> 01:21:08,629 No! 1392 01:21:08,713 --> 01:21:10,545 Look, I think I should say something here. 1393 01:21:10,632 --> 01:21:12,623 I know both of you pretty well. Suitor-ette, 1394 01:21:12,717 --> 01:21:15,459 Suitor Number One has done nothing but pine over you all day 1395 01:21:15,553 --> 01:21:17,233 trying to figure out a way to win you back. 1396 01:21:17,472 --> 01:21:20,510 When this public opportunity to literally do that arose, 1397 01:21:20,600 --> 01:21:23,217 he pulled his shit together, risked life and limb 1398 01:21:23,311 --> 01:21:26,178 and faced the odds to get up here and give it his best shot. 1399 01:21:26,272 --> 01:21:29,640 I'm tired of this whole thing! You're both retarded for each other! 1400 01:21:29,776 --> 01:21:33,144 Forget about the shit that happened and do what you're supposed to! 1401 01:21:33,363 --> 01:21:35,730 I think the audience would agree with me there. 1402 01:21:43,415 --> 01:21:45,952 Ask her, you silly bastard! 1403 01:21:48,628 --> 01:21:50,210 Miss Suitor-ette, 1404 01:21:50,922 --> 01:21:52,788 Suitor Number One loves you, 1405 01:21:52,882 --> 01:21:55,590 has always loved you, and will always love you. 1406 01:21:56,386 --> 01:21:58,844 He's only got one question that he'd like to ask. 1407 01:22:01,599 --> 01:22:03,260 Will you marry me? 1408 01:22:21,536 --> 01:22:22,697 Yes. 1409 01:22:45,226 --> 01:22:48,184 Snootchy bootchies, Brodie-nootchies! 1410 01:22:59,324 --> 01:23:01,907 Are we set or what? Good to go. 1411 01:23:19,135 --> 01:23:20,842 A sailboat. 1412 01:23:32,982 --> 01:23:36,350 I think it's safe to say, we've made our match. 1413 01:23:36,444 --> 01:23:39,186 These two lucky people will soon be winging their way 1414 01:23:39,280 --> 01:23:43,615 to beautiful, sunny Florida for a week of theme parks, beaches 1415 01:23:43,785 --> 01:23:46,117 and a lot more from the look of it! 1416 01:23:46,621 --> 01:23:48,658 I guess that about wraps it up for... 1417 01:23:49,082 --> 01:23:52,245 Not just yet, Pat Sajak. 1418 01:23:52,335 --> 01:23:53,746 All right? 1419 01:23:55,922 --> 01:23:57,458 You! All right. 1420 01:23:57,966 --> 01:24:01,254 I believe you have something that belongs to me. 1421 01:24:02,011 --> 01:24:03,297 Yeah? What's that? 1422 01:24:03,471 --> 01:24:06,680 Not you, asshole! The girl. 1423 01:24:07,809 --> 01:24:09,299 You have my heart. 1424 01:24:12,981 --> 01:24:14,517 What can I say? 1425 01:24:14,649 --> 01:24:16,265 I love the retard. 1426 01:24:17,110 --> 01:24:20,319 Wait a minute. I thought tonight we were supposed to, you know... 1427 01:24:20,530 --> 01:24:21,611 Hamilton! 1428 01:24:21,698 --> 01:24:24,816 Let's try to wrap this up, all right? I promised her breakfast. 1429 01:24:24,951 --> 01:24:26,362 All right, that's it. 1430 01:24:26,578 --> 01:24:29,536 You're dead, mallrat. I'm going to fuck you up beyond repair! 1431 01:24:46,723 --> 01:24:50,182 Sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat. 1432 01:24:50,852 --> 01:24:54,846 Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way 1433 01:24:54,939 --> 01:24:56,930 is a pillar of the shopping community 1434 01:24:57,025 --> 01:25:00,268 who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his 1435 01:25:00,361 --> 01:25:03,103 to screw my girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place. 1436 01:25:03,197 --> 01:25:05,859 What? Like the back of a Volkswagen? 1437 01:25:10,204 --> 01:25:12,366 And as he comes up here to... 1438 01:25:14,292 --> 01:25:15,703 Holy shit! 1439 01:25:18,129 --> 01:25:20,541 Without further ado, I'd like to present you all 1440 01:25:20,632 --> 01:25:23,920 with an accurate portrayal of the proprietor of Fashionable Male. 1441 01:25:24,010 --> 01:25:25,546 Now, Silent Bob! 1442 01:25:27,639 --> 01:25:30,222 I said now, Silent Bob! 1443 01:25:31,893 --> 01:25:33,554 When, Lord? 1444 01:25:33,978 --> 01:25:37,471 When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat? 1445 01:25:37,565 --> 01:25:40,023 Now, now, now! 1446 01:25:50,912 --> 01:25:52,823 Who's your favorite New Kid? 1447 01:25:54,332 --> 01:25:55,367 Call me Joey. 1448 01:25:55,458 --> 01:25:58,325 Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose. I think that's it. 1449 01:25:59,212 --> 01:26:02,750 Yeah. Call me Donnie. Come on. Oh, girl. 1450 01:26:02,840 --> 01:26:04,001 Yeah, please don't go. 1451 01:26:04,092 --> 01:26:06,459 Goddamn. This is one wacky game show. 1452 01:26:07,595 --> 01:26:09,381 That girl's only 15. 1453 01:26:11,599 --> 01:26:15,012 15? I thought she was 36. 1454 01:26:15,603 --> 01:26:18,766 Hey, come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her? 1455 01:26:32,829 --> 01:26:33,990 Where you're going, 1456 01:26:34,080 --> 01:26:36,321 they screw people in a very uncomfortable place. 1457 01:26:36,416 --> 01:26:37,781 Really? Yeah. 1458 01:26:38,793 --> 01:26:40,955 You can't strike a prisoner in police custody. 1459 01:26:41,045 --> 01:26:42,786 Come on, just once? 1460 01:26:42,922 --> 01:26:45,163 All right, but make it fast. 1461 01:26:48,052 --> 01:26:51,261 Would you have gone on vacation with the winner? 1462 01:26:51,472 --> 01:26:52,962 What do you think? 1463 01:26:54,142 --> 01:26:56,634 I don't know, I think you would have. 1464 01:26:57,979 --> 01:27:00,220 But I would have sent you a postcard. 1465 01:27:02,150 --> 01:27:04,061 What the hell is wrong with me? 1466 01:27:04,152 --> 01:27:07,645 If the tape was out of your reach, how the hell did you get it? 1467 01:27:08,364 --> 01:27:10,355 The Jedi mind trick! 1468 01:27:10,450 --> 01:27:12,862 Holy shit! Motherfucking Yoda and shit! 1469 01:27:13,536 --> 01:27:15,447 Adventure? Excitement? 1470 01:27:16,038 --> 01:27:18,370 A Jedi craves not these things. 1471 01:27:25,840 --> 01:27:27,501 (BROKEN PLAYING 1472 01:27:46,486 --> 01:27:49,695 Did you see that shit? Do you call that romance? 1473 01:27:50,323 --> 01:27:51,859 I call that illegal. 1474 01:27:53,534 --> 01:27:54,865 So. 1475 01:27:56,954 --> 01:27:57,989 So what? 1476 01:27:58,498 --> 01:28:01,490 I was just wondering, if maybe you're not busy tomorrow night... 1477 01:28:01,626 --> 01:28:02,787 Yeah? 1478 01:28:04,545 --> 01:28:07,162 Would you like to have dinner at my house and meet my mother? 1479 01:28:07,256 --> 01:28:10,214 I can't guarantee she'll like you, but... 1480 01:28:16,641 --> 01:28:19,303 It was just a warm-up. Please, come on? 1481 01:28:19,393 --> 01:28:21,680 The show would always go smoother and be less racy. 1482 01:28:21,771 --> 01:28:24,809 The show was a piece of shit. Unoriginal, uninspired, you know. 1483 01:28:24,899 --> 01:28:27,561 The only thing that saved it was this guy here. 1484 01:28:27,652 --> 01:28:29,438 I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network. 1485 01:28:29,529 --> 01:28:31,361 Me and Mason thought you were hysterical. 1486 01:28:31,447 --> 01:28:33,609 Hilarious. You've got great presence, kid. 1487 01:28:33,699 --> 01:28:36,487 Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show? 1488 01:28:38,830 --> 01:28:39,410 Him? 1489 01:28:39,413 --> 01:28:40,413 Him? 1490 01:28:40,748 --> 01:28:42,409 (SUSANNE PLAYING 1491 01:29:44,770 --> 01:29:45,770 Yeah? 125672

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