Original subtitles

♪♪

-Okay, we're back with part two of Joe Bob's

"Heartbreak Trailer Park," our tribute to one of the most

excruciating holidays on the calendar.

And Darcy, tell me if you agree with this --

Valentine's Day is controlled by women.

-Why do you say that?

-Because almost all of the stuff you do on Valentine's Day

is stuff that, if men were in charge, we'd probably go,

"You know what? I think we can probably do without that."

-It's for people in love. It's not gender-based.

I know, but flowers, like, candy, teddy bears.

I mean, we do it because it works.

You know, it makes women happy.

So -- we don't know why it makes women happy.

Especially flowers, because they're already dead,

and they're just going to get deader.

So, if flowers are a symbol of love,

the message is, "things are only going to get worse here."

-Don't be cynical. -All right.

Well, what do you -- what do you think about smell stores,

for example?

-What's that? -Come on.

You know what a smell store is.

You know, it's one of those shops in the mall.

My ex, Wanda Bodine, opened one up in the mall.

-Are you talking about aromatherapy?

-Well, yeah, among other things.

I mean, all right, just let's start with that, just that word.

Is that really a thing?

You smell something, and it's therapy.

See, that's a girl thing.

Men don't do that.

-I think they do.

-The only aromatherapy for men that I can think of is truckers.

They can buy those air freshener cards

that hang on a rearview mirror.

You know, and it has a picture of the Hustler

Honey of the Month from the Beaver Hunt page.

I don't know what those things are supposed to smell like.

I mean, I could guess.

-Don't go there. -All right.

Well, anyway, Wanda had this little shop in the mall

where she sold stuff that emits aromas --

you know, smelly oils, smelly herbs, smelly candles,

smelly dried flower arrangements,

you know, smelly clumps of pine bark, you know,

you're supposed to stick on your desk at the office

so you'll feel better about yourself.

You know you're supposed to go,

"Wow, smell that pine sap from the Shenandoah Valley.

Makes all my corpuscles want to dance the boogaloo today,

as I crank out that proposal for the new wind turbine in Akron."

I'm not making this up, Darcy.

You have never seen these stores.

-Of course I have. -Okay, so that --

so, that's the whole deal with the store -- smells.

You know, I didn't believe it when Wanda Bodine first told me

she was going to do it.

You know, I had to go down to the mall, and check it out.

But there it was.

It was called "Essence ala Bodine."

And right smack dab in the middle of the picture window

was one of those fluffy baskets

of every man's greatest nightmare.

-Are you doing a rant now?

-I kind of am, now, actually.

You know what the worst thing is in those stores.

-Please tell me

-Potpourri.

I can't spell -- spell it, and I can't say it, really,

but I know it's French, and has way too many vowels in it.

And basically, what it looks like

is a big old handful of weeds and sticks in a brown basket.

And women love this stuff.

Women will travel 9 miles out of their way

to pick up a crate of this stuff.

Women love to scatter this stuff all over the house

like a Marine Corps obstacle course,

until, every time you take a bite out of a baloney sandwich,

it tastes like a perfumed cat.

-Why are you saying it's only women?

-Darcy, please.

Please. Let's -- You know what?

Let's download those statistics from the National Potpourri

Manufacturers Association, or whatever,

and we will discover number of women who buy a potpourri --

97 million.

All right? Number of men who buy potpourri -- 0!

And you know why?

Because these are -- these are the same women --

listen to this. -Okay.

This just occurred to me.

The same women who buy potpourri hate the smell of a Cuban cigar.

Which is what?

I believe a cigar would be an herb, right?

A natural herb,

nurtured out of the most fertile soil in the world,

which is the Vuelta Abajo district

in the Pinar del Rio province of Cuba.

And then, what do you do with a cigar?

You ignite it with a low flame, just exactly the same way you do

with those Indonesian wahine wing candles

that cost 26 bucks apiece.

if they do it, it's atmosphere.

If we do it, it's a disgusting gross

pollution of the sacred hearth, right?

And let's talk about candles.

You know, they have those thousands

and thousands of candles

because electricity is not good enough for them, right?

But the place where Wanda was making the really big bucks

was soap.

Soap, and all the stuff women

think that they have to put on their faces after they use soap.

The soaps all have these names like "Lavender Breeze"

and "Herbal Oleander Accent Juice,"

or "William Black Sea Wisteria Wonder."

They're these big hunky bars

that look like they were cut with a chainsaw,

and they cost, like, 9 bucks apiece.

And then, after you use the soap,

you got to slather some Ode de Niagara Falls

moisturizer all over your skin,

so you don't dry out and get Gobi Desert face.

But the main -- the main thing about all this stuff

is the smell.

You go in the store, and people are just sniffing up a storm.

You got a sinus convention going on.

And some of the stuff they're smelling is just for smelling.

In other words, it's not soap. It's not potpourri.

It's not perfume.

It's not candles dipped in bamboo shavings.

It's just this little bottle

that you stick up your nose every day, like a drug,

so that the aroma floods up into your brain,

and makes you see psychedelic sea serpents, or something.

-Oh, are you done?

-Yes. I think I think I am. -All right.

You know, soap dries out your skin.

-That's your comment. "Soap dries out your skin."

-That's all I got.

-I knew you wouldn't understand.

But Darcy, I don't think I have to ask you

what your next cosplay is,

because you've only been talking about this movie for months.

And before that, you've been known to do it at conventions.

And it's because of your deep, intense love for the movie

that we're about to watch --

I'm actually presenting this movie for the second time.

I introduced it 30 years ago on the Movie Channel.

And at that time, I made the prediction that this movie

will still be grossing us out, quote, "20 years from now,"

which which would only take us up to the year 2010.

But I was exaggerating, because this is not

so much a gross-out movie as a laugh-out-loud movie

that's still genuinely disturbing.

So, it's that rarest of achievements,

a horror-comedy that works both as horror and as comedy.

And that's because it's done by the master,

Frank Henenlotter,

my neighbor and long-time friend,

who will be joining us to talk about it,

along with the star of the movie, James Lorinz.

He's the "Franken" in "Frankenhooker."

It's a cautionary tale about the dangers of true love,

right, Darcy?

- It's fun.

-Are you going whole hog?

I hope you're going whole hog on the cosplay.

-Dude, I am going whole hog villa on this one.

Okay, so -- all right, so, getting to the movie.

First, there was "Frankenstein," right?

Then, there was "Bride of Frankenstein."

Then, there was "Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein."

Then there was "Curse of Frankenstein,"

the first Hammer film.

And then, in 1990, when we least expected it, "Frankenhooker."

And it's not that we hadn't seen the story before,

because it's a combination of every brain research,

mad scientist, unhinged psycho movie of the past 60 years

and it even reminds you a little bit of it Ed Gein,

the famous Plainfield, Wisconsin, handyman

who collected body parts, and danced around

in the moonlight with human skin strapped to his body.

So, "Fun Ed," as we like to call him.

And he was the inspiration for both "Psycho"

and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

But this is not just another exploding head flick.

This is an exploding body flick.

And more to the point, it's a romantic comedy.

It's a black comedy.

Actually, it's so far beyond black

that it's more like a black hole comedy.

But it's a movie that would probably get laughs

on Friday nights at the Nevada State Institute

for the Criminally Insane.

And as you all know, that's the highest compliment

that I ever give to a movie.

So, let me put it this way --

when they -- when they sent the movie over

to the MPAA ratings board to have it screened,

the head honcho at the ratings board

called up the distribution company,

and said, "I'm going to do you guys a favor.

I'm going to rewind this film.

I'm going to send it back to your office.

I'm going to return your check for the screening fee,

and then we're both going to act like this never happened,

because we don't have an S rating over here."

And the distribution guys said "S rating?

You mean for 'sexy'?"

And he said, "No, for 'shit.'"

-Wow.

-And for a while, they considered an ad campaign

that said "'Frankenhooker' -- first movie in history

to be rated S."

So, I don't want to spoil this experience for you

by telling you too much about the plot.

I'll just say this movie was made

by a very twisted friend of mine named Franken Henenlotter,

who also made "Basket Case,"

and "Brain Damage," and "Bad Biology."

I think Frank is the only guy

who has three movies that have been shown

on "The Last Drive-in."

And he'll be out here later to account for himself,

along with James Lorinz, the star of the movie.

So, let's take a look at those drive-in totals.

We have 14 dead bodies.

27 breasts.

Actually, 35, if you count the --

I'm not -- we're not going to go there, never mind.

All right. Exploding heads.

Exploding hookers.

Exploding guinea pigs.

Spewing body parts.

Brain in a jar, Brain in a fish tank.

Drilled through the head psychotherapy.

Head slicing.

Candlelight dinner with severed head, with Beaujolais.

Girlfriend lawnmower.

Gratuitous bunion filing.

Gratuitous Swede.

Gratuitous Louise Lasser.

Heads roll. Arms roll. Legs roll. Everything rolls.

Drive-in Academy Award nominations for John Zacherle,

the creepy late-night host of the '50's and '60's --

the man who started it all --

as a weatherman for mad scientists.

Tom Hair for his excellent Morton Downey impersonation.

James Lorinz, for saying,

"Medical schools upset me, mother.

I'm antisocial.

I'm becoming dangerously amoral."

And for apologizing to the splattered corpses.

Joseph Gonzalez as Zorro the Pill,

for setting the world neck-chain record, and saying,

"My bitches just blew up on me."

Patty Mullen, the former Penthouse Pet of the Year,

as Frankenhooker, for staggering down 42nd Street

with suture marks all over her body,

and giving new meaning to the phrase, "Want a date?"

And of course, Edgar Ievins, the producer,

and Frank Henenlotter, the director,

the same two man team that gave us "Basket Case" 1 an 2

and "Brain Damage," continuing to establish

lower and lower standards in horrible taste.

My kind of guys. Four stars.

One of the best films of the whole decade of the '90's.

Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

Are you ready for this, Darcy?

-Oh, I am so ready.

-Are you -- Are you moisturized?

-Always.

-Because soap dries out your skin,

so you have to be moisturized.

-I don't use soap

-What do you use?

-That's a secret.

-I know you have shopped in a smell store.

Don't even try to deny that, Darcy.

♪♪

♪♪

-Just watch my hand.

Watch it. Watch my hand, now,

Nice and slow, back and forth.

Watch the hand.

Come on. Do something.

Wake up. Let's go.

Let's see that peeper.

♪♪

♪♪

Be very careful, here.

I don't want to give it a lobotomy.

♪♪

♪♪

Jesus. That's it.

That's it. That's right.

Now, follow my hand.

Look at the hand. Just follow the hand.

Come on. Got it. Follow my hand.

We're in sync, now.

Now we're cookin'.

That's it. That's it.

That's right.

-Jeffrey.

Be a doll, and pass me the ketchup.

-Sorry.

-Thanks, hon.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Mom!

Oh.

Let me help you with that. -Oh, no no no.

-Get those hamburgers up here.

-Will you hold your horses, Henry?

Let me get started here.

By the way, he's at it again in the kitchen.

-Oh, dear.

I'll check on him in a minute.

-Would you? I'd appreciate that,

'cause we can't get too weird tonight, you know?

By the way, for your own good, ease up on the pretzels.

-Hey, honey, come on. Shake a leg, will you?

-Trouble?

-Nah. Same old thing.

Jeffrey's too strange, and I'm too fat.

-What happened to your diet?

-Oh, heck, I've tried it all, and nothing works.

I've tried liquid diets, seafood diets, vegetable diets,

fruit diet, pills, powders, Weight Watchers, and clinics.

I even had Jeffrey staple my stomach.

And nothing helped.

-Jeffrey stapled your stomach?

-Yeah. But it didn't help much. I'm still a compulsive eater.

-I didn't know Jeffrey was a doctor.

-Well, yes and no.

-I thought he worked for New Jersey Electric.

-Oh, he does.

He's just sort of a doctor in his spare time.

Calls himself a "bio-electro technician" --

whatever that means.

-Well, is he at least going to medical school?

Oh, goodness, no.

He's been kicked out of three of them already.

-And you let him operate on you?

-Well, of course.

I mean, we're going to be married.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi.

Whatcha doing?

Ooh, what's this?

-Uh...

I'm not sure.

I can fix it, though.

-Hmm.

Well, not now. Come on out outside with me.

Dad's cooking tons of hamburgers.

So nice. -Good idea.

I need this table to make my coleslaw.

[Knife cutting]

[Noisemaker blows]

[Applause, cheers]

-Thanks, sweetheart. -Happy birthday, Daddy.

-Aw, you didn't have to.

-I got a surprise for you.

Now, close your eyes,

and don't open them until I tell you.

-They're closed nice and tight.

-Okay.

-She went and bought me something.

-Okay, now turn around real slowly.

Okay, Okay, stop, stop.

Now, open them.

And look.

Jeffrey rigged it with this remote control,

so you don't even have to push it.

-Thanks, son.

-Come on. This is your day.

I don't want any credit.

-He's always been creative.

-What?!

-And it's so easy. You just turn it on like this.

-Don't stand in front of it.

-And this controls the speed and the direction.

So, when you want it to go, you just press this.

-You're on [indistinct]. Don't stand in front of it!

-[Screams]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Indistinct muttering]

♪♪

♪♪

-They can't tell me what to do.

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, wait a minute.

I want to get rid of that chicken neck.

♪♪

I just don't want to set the oil on fire.

♪♪

I'm not gonna [indistinct].

♪♪

Wait a minute. Yeah.

An extension cord. I need a three-pronged here.

This is where the mole was.

I got to get rid of this.

♪♪

It's too much. It's too much.

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

Okay. Where the hell is my calculator?

♪♪

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

This way, I can turn her off.

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

[Muttering continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs]

I got to get 1,600 volts.

I can tap into that.

I could tap into North Power Station.

That would cause a brownout.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-What began as a birthday barbecue

ended in a bizarre tragedy in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey, today.

It was this power mower that brought a quick end

to the life of 21-year-old bride-to-be

Elizabeth Shelley.

Like wood through a mulcher,

the Guerneville fiancé disappeared

beneath the blades of the Berserk mower

that sent her personality raining down upon

the horrified birthday revelers in a blaze of blood,

bones, and body parts.

The vivacious young girl was instantly reduced

to a tossed human salad --

a salad at police are still trying to gather up,

a salad that was once named "Elizabeth."

But death by lawnmower

is not the end of the strange twist in this case.

-Of course, it's hard to be real specific, at this point,

but, yes, apparently parts of her are missing.

-Do you know which parts, or how many?

-Like I said, it's hard to be real specific at this point.

She's just one big jigsaw puzzle.

Jigsaw puzzle?

-Jigsaw puzzle.

-One of the eyewitnesses to this terrible tragedy

is also the young victim's fiancee.

Oh. Excuse me.

You saw the accident happen?

-I don't want to talk about it?

-And you have no idea what happened to the head?

-I don't know. I didn't see it.

The last time I saw it, it was spinning through the air.

I don't know.

Why don't you just leave people alone with their grief?

-I guess that's it.

Because this is such a quiet town,

the whispers can be heard all the louder --

whispers that are less concerned with the tragedy

that befell a young woman than with the grisly souvenirs

collected by a person or persons unknown.

In Ho-Ho-Kus,

this is Judy Graff for 8 News Alive.

-May I?

-Yeah. Sure, Ma.

-You've been watching it again.

-I can't help it, Ma.

-This is not healthy for you. It's not good for you.

-I can't help that, either.

-I don't know, Jeffrey.

Um, you know -- you know that girl at the supermarket

that I told you about?

She asked for you again today.

Why don't you give her a call?

-I don't want to.

-You don't want to?

You know, it's not right for you to spend

the rest of your life in here.

Elizabeth's dead. Life goes on.

I mean, you've got to find yourself another girl.

-That's what I'm working on.

-Oh, that's what you're working on?

I don't know, Jeffrey.

Well, you don't find someone by hiding from the rest

of the world or, keeping yourself cooped up in here,

or in the garage, or in that stupid power plant.

Why don't you go back to medical school?

-Medical schools upset me, mother.

-And I really thought that, someday, you could become

a great doctor -- and I mean a great doctor.

I mean, I never thought that you would throw it all away

for some silly Fuze box, or...

Oh, my God.

Oh, look.

Look.

Look.

You're working fine now.

Oh, Jeffrey, look, it's so much better.

What is he?

-I'm not sure.

-Oh, Jeffrey.

I'm worried about you.

-Yeah, well, so am I, Ma.

Something's happening to that I just don't understand.

I can't think straight anymore.

It's like my reasoning is all twisted and distorted, you know?

I seem to be disassociating myself from reality

more and more each day.

I'm anti-social.

I'm becoming dangerously amoral.

I've lost the ability

to distinguish between right from wrong,

good from bad.

I'm scared, Ma.

I mean, I feel like, sometimes, I'm plunging headfirst

into some kind of black void of sheer utter madness,

or something.

-Do you want a sandwich?

-No, thanks.

-There's a little egg salad left in the refrigerator.

I mean, really, it's no trouble.

No, really, I'll get my own dinner tonight.

Thank you.

-Okay.

But just...

I don't mean to be a pest,

but could you just promise me one thing?

-One thing, huh? Okay, what is it?

-That you won't stay up all night.

-I promise.

-Goodnight, sweet boy. [Chuckles]

-Goodnight, Ma.

[Dog barking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

How are you feeling?

Sorry I'm late.

I was talking with my Ma.

You know how she yaps.

Do you feel like having Italian tonight?

You look radiant tonight, Elizabeth.

Those baths are doing you a world of good.

You've got such a healthy glow now.

You look luminous.

Magnificent.

Wonderful.

Here's to you, to us, to new beginnings.

Cleanse the palate, now.

There we go. Nice and slow.

That's very good.

That's it. That's it.

Very good. Nice and easy.

Very nice. Very tidy. Very neat.

You like that Beaujolais, don't you?

I've got big news, honey,

and it's the reason for the celebration tonight.

There's a storm headed our way, and it should be here

in about two days, and I want to be ready for it.

If everything goes as planned -- and it should --

it'll be a whole new look for you.

As a matter of fact, it'll be a whole new you.

Let me show you what I mean.

Hmm?

Isn't she gorgeous?

Maybe a teddy isn't your style, huh?

Okay. What do you think?

Honey Pie, can't you picture yourself in this body,

kneeling on Ma's couch in the basement?

How about the crawling cat, eh? How about this model?

A visit to the sweet shop.

I can make you into anything you want.

I can make you the centerfold goddess of the century.

I just need the right parts.

But enough excitement.

How about a little dessert?

Something I wrote for you -- a poem.

"Warning: Contents Under Pressure" by Jeffrey Franken.

"My heart is packed so full of love for you

that I dreamed I exploded like aerosol can sometimes do.

I blew with such force that my bones became shrapnel,

and leveled the town, except the small chapel.

My teeth flew like bullets.

I didn't know what was happening.

They killed everyone in sight, except for the chaplain.

And then, thanks to him, we were happily wed,

even though, at the time, I think we were both dead."

The end.

I know it's not the best poem in the world, but...

...I want you to have it.

Goodnight, Elizabeth.

See you tomorrow.

♪♪

Oh, man, I'm tearing up already.

I mean, who can resist that moment

when Jeffrey reads his poem

"Warning: Contents Under Pressure"

and then places it tenderly between the toes

of his beloved disembodied foot

before returning her only two remaining body parts

to her bubbling vat of preservative?

Fortunately, you're probably not going to believe this,

but we have with us tonight the...

are you the author of the poem

"Warning" Contents Under Pressure"?

-No. No.

One of the strangest guys I know --

and I mean that as a compliment, Frank -- a mad genius,

the inimitable director and co-writer of "Frankenhooker,"

Mr. Frank Henenlotter.

-Thank you.

[Cheers, applause]

-And before you answer me, Frank,

you're the only guy who's had three --

count them, three -- movies on "The Last Drive-in."

And I've been talking about your movies, now, for...

40 years.

For 40 years I've been talking about your movies.

I never get tired of them.

Okay.

Well, "Contents Under Pressure"

was completely written by Bob Martin,

who co-wrote the script with me. -Okay.

Bob Martin, founder of Fangoria.

-Yes, absolutely.

And I thought he'd be a great person to collaborate with.

And he was. He was just absolutely perfect.

He got the joke that there were no jokes.

And he just really -- and -- but it was his idea.

He said, "Well, what if -- what if he writes a poem?"

And I thought, "Oh, God."

And he wrote it.

And I still think "like aerosol can sometimes do."

You know? I mean, he just -- every -- I didn't touch it.

It was just perfect.

-How did that collaboration happen?

How did you know Bob Martin?

-Uh...

Well, he had interviewed me for Fangoria.

-Okay. -And then...

I asked him if he'd be interested

in writing a novelization of "Brain Damage."

-Okay. -But I said...

you don't have to do the movie.

You can do anything you want.

Just go with, you know. And he did.

He did a really strange,

"what the fuck is this" kind of, you know, version of the film.

-Oh. Okay. I got to read that.

-And it -- You know, and it was --

I was encouraged enough that I said,

"Listen, let's do a film together.

Let's write a script together."

-Okay. Now, you can't watch the --

-Can I -- you know, can I -- Can I tell you

a funny story about him? -Okay.

-When we started, I was wondering

"Where am I going to get the girls to be the hookers?"

Okay?

So, I figured, "Let me --

Let me start at Billy's Topless Bar."

A famous bar. -Oh, yeah.

-So, I go in there.

And I -- I really didn't know how I was going to do this.

I'm not going to -- what do I, go up to a girl,

going, "Hi. I'm a director. You want to be my movie?"

You know, I didn't...

But I'm looking around, and all of a sudden,

I see at the bar, there's Bob Martin

And I go "Bob" --

-Just hanging out in Billy's Topless?

-Yeah. And I said, "Bob, what are you doing here?"

And he had the best line.

He goes, "I'm staring at the unobtainable."

-[Laughs]

He was great, but he was -- he was -- he was brilliant,

but, you know, kind of a manic depressive at the same time,

And I think that fueled his work.

-Yeah. -You know?

-you can't watch this movie

without thinking about "Blood Feast" --

the original gore film...

-Yeah. -...by Herschell Gordon Lewis.

-Yeah. -I mean...

any -- any debt to "Blood Feast"?

- Well, well, "Blood Feast" is always there in my life.

But I did this film more as a riff on

"The Brain That Wouldn't Die." -Okay.

-In fact, one of the greatest moments of my life

was showing it to Joe Green,

who directed "The Brain That Wouldn't Die."

-And what did he say? -Well, he was --

he was a little pissy at first, because he said,

"Oh, I hear you ripped off my movie."

And I went, "No. Joe. Why...?" -- [indistinct].

You know, "Prove it," you know?

And he started laughing. [Indistinct]

When he got done, he goes, "Oh,

that's got nothing to do with my film. That was great."

That's hilarious." You know?

So, we parted friends. -Okay. Good.

Um, you know, several years back,

you and I did a show together --

I don't know if you remember this --

at the Anthology Film Archives

on the Lower East Side of Manhattan,

to showcase your documentary, "The Wizard of Gore."

-Right. -Which I --

And by the way, I highly recommend it,

because you can learn everything you would ever need to know

about Herschell Gordon Lewis without having to actually watch

Herschell's movies. -Yeah.

-So, "The Wizard of Gore."

And so, Fuad Ramses, the maniac Egyptian caterer

does something similar to what Jeffrey does, on that,

Fuad is going around Miami Beach,

collecting the body parts of beautiful women,

some of them hookers.

However, he's a more...

he's a more sinister character than Jeffrey.

-Oh, yeah. Oh, Jeffrey's likable.

-Yeah.

-And that was a problem I had with the script

because I couldn't have him kill the girls.

The moment he actually killed any of the hookers,

the script, it's dead. There's no more comedy.

-Yeah, he would become so unlikable you wouldn't care.

-So, it was -- it took us a long while to do it.

And then, I thought --

you know, it was one of my great inventions.

I said, "Wait a minute.

Super crack.

Let him create it.

They do it themselves."

And it's hilarious.

And I also always, you know,

would love to have on my gravestone,

you know, "He killed --

he blew up eight hookers in a hotel room."

I have to say, Frank,

your body parts are much better than Herschell's.

And so are your hookers, by the way.

But Gabe -- Gabe Bartolos

did all the effects work on this, correct?

-Yep.

-And I know this partly because he gave an interview

talking about his effects work, and the interview was filmed

at the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada.

Apparently, Gabe really knew his hookers.

-Oh, yeah. That's legit.

-But you had given Gabe his first job, correct?

-No. No. I gave him --

he was already working on other films.

But I was the first one to hire him.

I didn't even know who he was,

but I wanted to hire him to run the whole show.

-Okay.

-Make it his department and his everything.

But listen, since you're talking body parts,

I brought you something.

This is an actual prop from the film.

-Okay. -It is one of the...

-Ooh.

-[Stammers]

It's the plate of boobs that Jeffrey...

-This is amazing.

-And it's -- it stood up rather nicely.

-Can we use this for the set? -You can keep it.

-Oh! Can you sign it for us?

-Sure. -All right.

We got to have you -- you got to sign Patty Mullen's boob.

-Oh, yeah, maybe. Yeah.

It could have been. We don't know.

-All right, Frank.

We have many things to talk about,

and we are going to bring out James Lorinz later,

to fill us in on some of the acting choices

that you guys made.

But right now, everybody except people in Jersey are going,

"What the fuck is wrong with Jeffrey?"

Because from the very first scene,

you know something is wrong with him.

Whereas, people in Jersey are going,

"Yeah, I know a guy like that.

He lives three streets over, in Ho-Ho-Kus."

You know, this movie is actually 42--

you love 42-- the old 42nd Street.

This is actually 42th Street in its nasty heyday,

but as seen through the eyes of an outsider -- an innocent.

Actually, just like in "Basket Case"

42nd Street was seen through the eyes

of an outsider, an innocent.

And in that case, from upstate New York, Dwayne Bradley.

So...So, it's -- uh, that's -- you use these observers

to make the observations about the nasty side of New York.

well, that's why I like one of the --

one of the hookers calls him, "Hey, Jersey Boy."

You know, which, you know, kind of sums it up.

Okay. Back to the movie.

And Jeffrey does live -- in the -- in the script,

Jeffrey lives in Ho-Ho-Kus.

Now, If you've never been to Jersey,

you hear that, and you think Frank made that up.

But there really is a town named "Ho-Ho-Kus,"

which sounds like Santa Claus hacking up a movie or something.

But the most famous product of Ho-Ho-Kus is Twisted Sister,

the glam metal band.

Ho-Ho-Kus born and bred.

[Laughs]

Darcy loves it when I do geography.

That's 600 volts more.

Otherwise, there's gonna be spider veins,

or I'm gonna get stuck with a chicken leg.

No, that's...[indistinct].

Now I'm nit-picking. I got to have more wattage.

Otherwise, I'm not going to be happy.

I can't.

I don't want to...

I can't feel guilty now.

I don't want to feel guilty now.

I just -- I just want to make life.

I mean, you know,

I just want to bring you back, Elizabeth, you know?

I mean, in order for you to live,

I mean, somebody's got to take your place, you know?

I mean, somebody has to die for you to live.

I'm getting a cluster headache.

-And as you can see from this lovely map right here,

we have some very exciting weather arriving here

in about two days.

More thunder and lightning and electricity

than you've ever enjoyed before.

Very spooky. Very spooky.

And just right for you mad doctors out there.

[Laughs]

-Great.

Two days. Two days.

I got to find a fresh part in two days.

Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

I just got to relax. Relax.

The key to this whole thing is relaxation.

Relax, calm down, and relax.

I can't relax.

I just going to get radical, here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Some people need drugs,

Some people need booze.

I just a little surgical assistance.

[Drill whirs]

♪♪

507.

No. 21.

No. 22.

I got 922.

[Drill whirs]

Okay, I got to get some stewardesses.

Stewardesses.

I'll take the Van Wyck Expressway

out to Kennedy Airport.

I'll walk onto the plane.

I got a maintenance uniform on.

"Girls, uh, there's a screw loose in the luggage door."

You got to follow me, and get off the plane.

I got them in the back of a van,

I'll tie them up with the extension cord.

It's no good. That's not gonna work.

It's ridiculous.

Nobody's gonna believe that,

I don't care how stupid they are.

Okay. All right.

Let me try this again.

We're got to come up with something, here.

The hole is already bored.

That's it.

Okay. Okay.

♪♪

It's so simple.

If I need female body parts, then I'll buy female body parts.

And there's a place across the river

where there thousands of women anxious to sell their parts,

no questions asked.

Of course, with the right amount of cash...

I do have my Christmas Club account.

♪♪

♪♪

Very busy here tonight.

This is like a smorgasbord, here.

What a buffet.

Now, those legs are very nice.

Yeah, this -- this might be easier than I thought.

Oh, my God. Now, this is -- She's nice.

A little lopsided, though. -Come on, now.

-She's not gonna work out.

Very nice.

Oh, there's something very interesting.

I think this is it.

This could be the block.

All right. Okay. This is it.

I've got it now. Oh, this is the block.

I'm...

Okay. Right behind. Nice and easy, now.

Okay.

-Hey, you looking for some action?

Or a date?

Hey, you, need some company?

Are you lonely? Come on. Come on.

Hey. Going out?

Want a date? Some action?

Keep you company? Are you lonely?

-You look -- You look great.

I'm not used to seeing that..

-You're a Jersey boy, ain't you?

-Yeah. Jersey. I'm right over the bridge, to the left.

-Well, you just take a couple of deep breaths, and relax,

and tell me what you want.

I'm looking for a couple of girls that have the right --

nice parts.

I'm looking for a lot of good parts.

- Honey, in case you ain't noticed,

I not only got all the right parts,

I got 'em in all the right places.

You got 'em, all right. You -- You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

-You got money.

-Money, yeah. Yeah.

I got -- I got -- I got some.

I went to the bank. -Oh. Whoa.

Now you're talking.

-Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm not ready yet.

-Let me in! [Indistinct]

-Will you just stop it? I'm not ready.

I need a few more girls.

-How many more?

-I don't know.

-[Whistles]

Yo, Amber, come over here.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What's all the fuss?

-Jersey Boy, here, wants a twosome.

-No, no, no. Jersey Boy doesn't want that.

Look, I want to throw a party for my brother.

He's sick.

I'm gonna need about six or seven

of the most beautiful girls you got on his block --

yourselves included.

See, I want to -- I want to have sort of, like,

a beauty contest for him.

-Oh, and you get the winner, right?

-I'll make a new woman of her.

-It'll cost you.

-Oh, money? Money's not a problem.

I got money.

-Well, we can get you all the girls you need.

You better check it out with Zorro, first.

-Zorro?

-Zorro. -Zorro.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I don't want any trouble.

♪♪

-Hey, Spike. -Hi, honey.

What can I do for you?

-Where's Zorro?

-He went in the back a while ago.

I ain't seen him since.

-Thanks.

Looks like you need to go to the men's room.

-I don't have to go.

I left my money in the car.

♪♪

♪♪

Got ice in the urinals?

All right, coming through.

Coming through. I'm all right.

I'm a doctor. I got to get back here.

[Indistinct talking]

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Indistinct]

[Coughing]

-And I've got the power of Almighty Hell, baby.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

♪♪

♪♪

-Wait here a sec.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Here, Jersey Boy.

-How do you do?

-Zorro, here, will fix you up, get you everything you need.

See you later, guys.

-The last [indistinct]

-Yeah, it seems like there's a lot of folks

on it in these parts.

-[Indistinct] tells me you're holding a party,

you need a lot of girls.

-Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow night.

-My girls are the best --

the best to look at, the best of fun.

[Indistinct]

You want the best, you got to pay.

-Well, you know, I'm sure we can agree on a price.

-Let's talk business, my friend.

-By the way, how much is one of those little plastic bags cost?

-One of these?

-Yeah.

-What are you, crazy?

What the hell are you talking about?

-I am talking about women controlled by drugs,

and dying from them!

I am talking about women selling their bodies

because they no longer have any other choice.

I am talking about human beings who need protection.

-And you honestly believe that legalizing prostitution

is going to somehow magically make

all of these problems disappear?

-Well, it's a start. -Oh, and what's next?

Let the government issue them condoms?

Let the taxpayers pay for the hotels?

-Don't laugh. Don't laugh.

She's right. She's right.

This crack shit's killing them!

This super crack will get the job done a lot quicker --

and without any pain.

Of course, it may get a bit hot.

-The name of your organization is Hooker, isn't it?

-It's called "Hold On to Our Knowledge of Equal Rights."

And if you run that film,

you'll get a hint of what it's like on the streets

for these women.

-Roll it, Lou.

-Where's the money?

Where's the money, bitch? Where is it?

Huh? Where's the money?

-I already gave it to you!

I already gave you the money.

-Where is it, huh?

Where is it?

Where's the money? Huh?

Where is the money? Huh?

Where's the money?

You're holding out on me, bitch!

-[Screams]

All right. Take it easy, now.

Take it easy.

Don't flip out. Don't flip out. Just relax.

You got to do the drill -- you do the drill,

and you're gonna feel much better.

[Drill whirs]

[Sighs]

I mean, it's not like I'm committing murder.

I'm not killing anybody.

The crack is what's gonna kill him.

Hell, it's killing them already.

I'm just speeding up the process.

That's all.

I'm not shooting anyone. I'm not stabbing anyone.

I'm merely gonna place a lethal form of crack

in their presence.

They don't have to take it. Nobody has a gun to their head.

If they don't want to do it, they can just say "no."

The Super Crack is placed on the preheated hot plate.

Tube into cage.

Now, we begin.

Now, we have a nice cloud.

That's right. Ooh, look, how sexy you are.

I bet you get $1,000 a night.

Can I buy you a drink?

Is the hotel nearby? Can we get there by walking?

If you weren't a guinea pig, I'd jump in that cage myself.

Yes. Come on, you know the moves.

Those moves are $1,000 moves.

Now, take a nice deep breath.

Oh. Jesus Christ.

This could get ugly.

-Nice exploding guinea pig, Frank.

You've got a lot of delightful satire

going on in this movie,

starting with John Zacherle himself

as the mad scientist weatherman.

I assume that was a weather report

from inside the mind of Jeffrey.

-No. I just thought he would be hilarious as a weatherman.

And he even said to me, "What am I supposed to do?"

I said, "Just tell the weather

the way Zacherle would."

And he goes, "Oh. Okay. All right. All right."

And I said -- I said, "Just throw in the line about,

'Just right for you mad doctors out there.'"

But he was -- He was great. He had a lot of --

-What was Zacherle doing at this time?

I don't really know. I don't...

-You just called him up, and said,

"Do you want to be in the movie?"

-Oh, yeah, well, he had done the voice of Aylmer

in "Brain Damage," so I already had a relationship with him.

I love the guy.

And, you know, come on,

I grew up with him on his TV show.

You know, he was the only guy

that could attract both kids and their fathers.

to watch the same show, and laugh at the same jokes.

-Right. -Wonderful guy.

-And then, you've got the perfect send-up

of Morton Downey's talk show.

I don't know how many people remember Morton Downey's

talk show, back -- back when you could smoke on TV.

That actor did a great job,

as did Beverly Bonner

as the representative of the organization

HOOKER -- reprising her role.

She's the same character she played in "Basket Case," right?

-Yeah.

-Okay. So, you had a little stock company by this time?

-Uh, very little. -Okay.

And then, you put all the anti-drug rhetoric

into the voice of Jeffrey,

including Nancy Reagan's famous "Just say no" line,

as he says. "Crack doesn't kill people.

It's their own personal choice," you know?

We don't expect political subtext in your movies, Frank,

but we get it.

I mean, you know, yeah, you know,

part of that was...

I used to edit -- the first two films I did,

I edited at a film center building, Ninth Avenue,

middle of Manhattan --

46th Street, somewhere around here.

And I'd work late at night.

And, you know, after 11:00,

you're dying to go to Burger King and get something.

And I would walk there.

And I -- there was one street

that was like a gantlet of hookers.

-Oh, yeah. -And they --

And they -- This is all their dialog --

"Going out? Want a date?

Looking for some action? Need some company?"

I just... -Okay.

You just put it in the movie.

-It's like New York charm. I just love it.

And yeah, that's not even me being satirical.

-That's what it was like. -Yeah.

-Was that your idea, to say,

"Hey, whenever Jeffrey needs an idea,

he'll just power-drill his brain?"

You know, that was the one -- that was one of the things

in the script that everybody said,

"Frank, you can't do that. You're going to lose it.

It's not -- It's -- you can't you can't put --

you know, it's not believable."

And I thought, "Who cares?"

You know, it's -- -It's a satire.

-It's so hysterical.

And, you know, James played it so perfectly.

I mean -- and you know --

-I think, if there was blood, it would have ruined it.

-Oh, no, you can't. No, no, no, no.

That wouldn't have been funny. -Yeah.

-You know, but he's always coming up

with additional lines throughout this thing.

And for years, I never knew what it meant

when he said -- when he picks it --

he looks at the skull, and he goes,

"22. Goodnight, 22."

I didn't know what he meant.

Years later, he explained it was a Bingo term.

-Oh, okay.

Well, you know, you have that brilliant moment

when he has to readjust the place that he's power drilling,

because he says something like, "I need stewardesses,

I need to take the expressway to JFK."

And and -- And then, he goes. "Wow, that's stupid."

So, he pulls the power drill out, and starts over,

and he comes up with, "Oh, hookers."

-Right, right, right, right.

Oh, it's funny as hell.

I mean, I think almost anything that is extreme

you can make funny. -Yeah.

Were all of them real hookers?

-Well, none of the actresses --

I mean, the girl that he collects.

But there were scenes where, when he's driving around.

and you see ladies of the evening,

-You just picked up those shots on the street.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

And they got wise real fast.

Once -- We were shooting outside an open door of a van.

And once we came by the second time, they knew who we were.

So, by the third time, they were already gone.

-Oh, they thought you were cops?

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

-Was that the Meatpacking District?

-No, no. It's where the...

the Intrepid.

-Oh, right up there by 42nd Street.

-Right.

The lights from the Intrepid were helping light --

light the street.

-Okay, the the famous aircraft carrier Intrepid

is just sitting there, and it's it's illuminated so much

that the the hookers feel safe there, I guess.

-I just thought it would have nice

to have some real ones in.

-Yeah. You had actual illicit prostitution going on.

Well, you're famous for stealing shots.

Uh, now was -- Now, was that a fun day,

when you created Huevos Grande Bar and Grill?

That is the most amazing set.

One of the most amazing sets you ever created.

-That wasn't a set.

[Indistinct talking]

-That was a real bar?

Are you kidding me?

"Big Balls" in Spanish, that's a real bar?

We put that on the window.

I think that was...

geez, now -- now I'm confused.

It was either up in Harlem or it was --

I think it was up in Harlem, but that's a real bar.

-Oh, Okay. -Yeah.

-But I mean, obviously, everything inside it...

-It was...

up in Harlem.

There was an overhead.

I don't know, one of those -- I don't know.

But anyway, yeah.

-Did you just say, "Okay, guys, I want sex and drugs and filth

in every inch of the frame as Jeffrey moves through that bar?"

-Yeah. That's -- you know, that was the idea, you know?

-And I'm sure you get asked this all the time,

but but where did you find Zorro the Pimp?

-Zorro the Pimp was in "Brain Damage."

-Oh, he was?

-He's the muscle guy in the shower.

-Okay.

-And when you need a muscle guy, you call that guy.

-Yeah. I...I wanted...

I wanted somebody that looked like,

"Oh, he can't kill him."

[Indistinct]

So, I sent -- [Stammers] -- you know, workers.

I said, "Find me a muscle man."

And she went to the local gym. And he was great.

He was one of the sweetest guys to work with.

He was like, the, you know, no big deal.

-I think those are his only two roles --

"Brain Damage" and "Frankenhooker."

-Yeah, I know, and I'd love to know what happened,

where he is.

But, you know, finding the name,

you know, Jose Gonzales in the phone book,

there's more than five, you know what I mean?

I'd love to know what happened to him,

because she was a sweet guy, and he was a pleasure to work with,

and a piece of cake, and everything about him, you know?

-All right. -And he loved it.

-All right. Well, we just had a little foreshadowing

with an excellent exploding guinea pig effect.

So, let's get back to the movie.

And how old were you, Frank, when you decided

"I'm gonna spend my life

making strange exploitation movies?"

-I don't know, because I never thought of it.

You know, I never planned on it

until I was almost approaching 30,

or something like that.

-Really? When you made "Basket Case"?

-Yeah, -Yeah.

-I never -- never planned on it. Never...

I never -- you know -- and I still wonder --

-But you grew up on Long Island, right?

-Yep. In fact, the scene in "Frankenhooker" --

his house is in Valley Stream, and I grew up in Lynbrook,

the next door town.

-Okay. -And when we did that, I had --

all my nephews were there, and kids watching, you know.

-Did they show nasty movies on Long Island,

or did you have to come into the city?

-Oh, no, absolutely.

You had the drive-ins that were showing it.

And also, the neighborhood theaters.

Everybody says, "Oh, you know, seeing Andy Milligan,

it's just got to be in a grindhouse?"

No, no. The local theaters.

I mean, I'd go to Hempstead, and, you know,

I'd be seeing -- one of my favorite double bills

was "Shaft," "Shaft's Big Score," and --

No, "Slaughter," "Slaughter's Rip-Off,"

and "Slaughter Hotel."

-[Laughs]

-The "Slaughter" trilogy. -Yeah, really.

You know, they were -- they were

they were easy to find anywhere on Long Island.

They really were.

-I loves that documentary you did,

"That's Sexploitation!"

about the sex movies that were made before the porn era.

So, you must have seen a lot of those.

-No. I saw very little until --

because I'm too young to get into theater.

And they had a short lifespan, because they were only...

their only purpose was to show tits and ass.

And once Hollywood films started showing it,

you know, they expired. -Right.

-So it wasn't until I got involved

with Something Weird and Mike Vraney,

and the goal was to find as many of them as possible.

How can we sell more to like, parties?

We turn them into like, party discs.

You know, they're so alien

that they make perfect sense now, you know?

I mean, what's a nudist camp film?

You know, it was hard to get a lot of the younger guys

to even wrap their -- watching it, going,

"So what the plot?"

I said, "This isthe plot."

-We were talking recently about white coaters.

I don't know if you've ever met Ferd and Beverly Sebastian,

the husband-wife team that made

"'Gator Bait" and "Rocktober Blood"

and many other wonderful creations,

but they started out making white coaters.

"The Love Clinic" was one of them.

"I Need a Man" was about an incurable nymphomaniac.

In fact, the white coat doctor was always trying to cure women

of nymphomania -- unsuccessfully, of course.

-Yeah, no, we cover that in the doc also.

And, you know, they're just creepy films.

They're just really --

And they were they were the birth of hardcore.

Because some of them, yeah, they're really doing it,

but not enough to really get the cops there.

But that was the icebreaker before the porn.

-Yeah.

Well, if you say they're creepy, Frank, they're creepy.

-Oh, they are very creepy.

[Both laugh]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, Jersey Boy.

♪♪

♪♪

All set?

-All set.

-Hey, girls, listen up.

This here's Jersey Boy.

Dr. Jersey Boy, but you can call him Jeffrey.

-Jeffrey, this is Angel. -Hi.

-Crystal. -Hello.

-Amber, you already met. -Nice to see you again.

-Anise. -How do you do?

-Chartreuse. -A pleasure.

-Snow. -Hello.

-Sugar and Monkey.

Now, girls, Zorro told you all about Jeffrey.

It's his party, and he wants to play doctor.

Now, if Jeffrey wants anything more than that,

you've got to let me know,

because Jeffrey is a good, personal friend of Zorro's,

and he's getting a special rate.

Understood? -Yes, ma'am.

-Okay, doc, how you want to work this?

-Uh...

Well, let's start with the legs, shall we?

Oh, this is...Oh.

This is excellent.

This is a perfect 18 in diameter.

-Uh-huh.

♪♪

-Now, this is --

This is unfortunate, and so crude.

-Honey, you ain't seen nothing.

Wait till you see the one on my groin.

-Hmm.

Ahh!

♪♪

Awesome.

Utterly awesome.

Nice buoyancy, too.

Ah, gout-free.

Fine.

-Want to take my temperature, doc?

I bet you've got a big thermometer.

-[Laughs]

-This metaforus gland is almost perfect.

-They're yours if you want them, doc.

-If I divide by pi...

Okay, just hold still.

Ahh.

This reminds me of the St. Louis Arch.

♪♪

Excellent.

♪♪

Oh, this is fine.

Very good.

Oh, very nice.

These look good.

And clean-shaven, too.

Very nice.

Ah, now these are very nice.

I like these very much.

I will need some more voltage, but I could get this to work.

-You can use her, but she's got a rash.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, listen to me!

-Hey, Zorro, what's up?

-Just waiting for my bitches.

This should be down in a few minutes.

-Oh, good.

-Jeffrey, we only got a few minutes

before we hit the streets.

Have you found your perfect woman yet?

Look, Zorro says you're allowed 30 minutes to go pick,

but you got to pick, 'cause the rest of us got to go.

-[Sighs]

-I can't.

I can't pick.

Look, I'm sorry.

You're all very nice.

You've been very nice, but I can't do it.

I can't go through with this.

I'm not even sure that this would work.

Oh, God, Elizabeth.

-What the hell is he talking about?

-And who the fuck is Elizabeth?

-Are we getting paid?

-Listen, Jersey Boy,, you got the money?

-Money, huh? You're talking about money?

I'm talking about human life.

You want money? Here.

Here. Here you go.

Here, take the goddamn money.

Don't you see what I'm trying to do?

What do you think's been going on here?

Yeah, everybody play with the money.

Play with the dirty money.

-Whoa.

Oh, shit. What's this?

Holy shit, it's gems!

It's so many gems!

Holy shit, it's gems!

-Wait, put that back.

That's supposed to be for the winner!

-Look at this, girls! The party ain't over yet!

[Screams]

-Give me that! That's dangerous!

-Jeffrey, you devil!

[Overlapping shouting]

-Give it to me!

Give us that!

Girls, get him! -Let me up!

Let me up! -No!

-Let me up! -No!

Look what we got!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Women screaming]

♪♪

-Don't smoke it! Listen to me! I'm telling you the truth!

[Laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, we need some music! -Yeah!

[Music plays]

♪♪

-♪ Never say never ♪

-No, not the devil's music!

Turn it off. It's no good!

It's a deadly mixture, please!

It's telling you to do things you shouldn't be doing!

-♪ Safe sex is for wimps ♪

♪♪

♪ Anyone who drives sober ♪

-Girls, please, don't smoke that!

I'm telling you, it's not what you think!

-♪ Always carry a gun ♪

-I'm telling you, don't do it, please.

Put that lighter out!

♪♪

♪♪

Please! There are programs you can check into!

You can get off!

-♪ Never say no ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Never say no ♪

♪♪

♪ Never say no ♪

-Stop that! That's not natural!

Wait a minute!

For crying out loud, you're like cats with catnip.

Just stop that!

Your body wasn't meant to do that!

-Them hoes are fucking with me.

It's just gone on too long!

-Don't do it!

You're gonna die!

♪♪

-Whoa.

Oh, God. -She's gonna blow.

She's gonna blow!

Duck and cover! -Isn't it awfully hot in here?

[Screaming]

♪♪

-Take it easy!

[Explosion]

[Screaming]

♪♪

The manager!

[Coughing]

Oh, my God!

[Coughs, explosion]

[Screaming]

[Explosion]

[Screaming from within]

-Yo! Jeffrey! Move it out!

Open up! Open up!

Open up! Open up!

Open up this Goddamned door!

Amber! Open up!

Open the door! Let me in.

Open the door! I'm gonna knock this door down!

[Explosion]

[Thuds]

What the fuck?!

What the fuck is goin' on in there?!

♪♪

-Oh! Oh, the humanity.

It's crashing. It's burning.

I'm sorry!

-Jeffrey?

You little scumbag!

[Explosion]

[Screaming, thud]

♪♪

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh Jesus!

[Sparks] Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! Everybody I'm sorry!

I didn't mean for this to happen.

It was an accident. Look...

I want... I want to apologize to everybody here, please.

I'm gonna put everyone back together.

I promise you!

Well, first I'm going to put Elizabeth back together

because that's... that's the whole point of this.

And then I'm gonna take care of everybody.

I'm gonna get to everybody.

Just take it easy.

First we're gonna take a little trip to New Jersey.

It's just right over the bridge.

I've got an estrogen-based blood serum there.

It's gonna do wonders for you.

It'll make you feel like little girls again.

Just trust me. Alright?

Just be quiet, relax... It's gonna be alright.

Oh, we're gonna get another shoe.

Alright. Oh Jesus.

Chinese girl.

Alright, okay.

I'm gonna get new clothes.

Just relax.

This is well done.

Alright.

It's a close shave.

-And of course, Jeffrey has a weakness for fishnets.

So the last thing he takes with him down the fire escape

is a fishnet leg, with the high heels still on it.

Oh, the humanity, you know, Frank, I hope you're proud

of probably the best exploding hooker sequence in film history,

not just one exploding hooker,

a whole symphony of exploding hoes raining down body parts

on the Sultry Arms,

which is the name of the hotel

where Zorro sets up Jeffrey's hooker examination headquarters.

Are you proud of yourself for that?

-Completely. It's the one sequence of all my films

that I can watch endlessly.

-Where was the Sultry Arms?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Maybe a studio?

-You mean the interior?

-I guess -- -We built all that.

-Yeah, okay. -That's all a set that we built.

The exterior, I'm not sure. I think we just hung up a sign,

I don't really remember. -Okay.

-But the interior was all a, uh,

a set that we built, and I was telling them before,

remember the guy in the little booth who's -- and he goes,

"Oh, sweet mother of pearl!"

-Yeah.

-When the film was playing midnights at

the Bleecker Street Cinema, I was walking past theater

one night and I see him and I thought,

"Oh," he goes, "Oh, I was just watching the movie again.

It's my third time."

I said, "Isn't it still on?" He goes,

"Yeah, but I walked out, I don't like the movie, I just like me."

[Laughter]

Thank you!

-Well, you very -- you very definitely

excuse Jeffrey by making it clear

that he did not give the super crack to the prostitutes.

They found it on their own --

that had to be a conscious writing this.

-With a "Reefer Madness" scene with the hands,

you know, all clawing up at it, yeah, yeah.

-And -- and it was the middle of a crack epidemic,

right -- in New York, at the time?

-Absolutely, absolutely.

I mean, it was so bad. It really was.

I -- when I was filming "Brain Damage," you would --

[Sighs]

We were on a street where the railroad tracks

were on one side -- it was 33rd,

and the hookers would meet in the cars, you know.

So I'd come in in the morning.

And there were two sound effects under my feet,

used condoms and crack vials.

And sometimes I'd open the door to go in

and there'd be a lost hooker in there and I'd say,

"Oh, you know, the sun is already up."

"Oh my God, really? What time is it?"

"Well, it's 7:30, I mean..."

"Oh, my God, I got to go!"

You know, it was -- it was horrible.

-It was bad. Yeah.

Okay, well, we should bring James out

because I think everybody can see by now

that the glue holding this whole story together

is the performance of

James Lorinz as Jeffrey Franken.

And so come on out, Jeffrey! I mean, James!

-Hello, hello, how are you?

-Oh! James, what did you think when you first read the script?

Very first time you read the script?

-Well, speaking of glue -- -Yeah?

-I was sniffing quite a bit of it after reading.

I didn't, uh... I didn't know what it was about,

you know, a quick story:

Frank saw me in film I was in called "Street Trash,"

which was -- -Oh, "Street Trash"!

We loved "Street Trash"! -I see a bottle of Viper

over here! -Yeah, we had -- [laughing]

-And so he called me one night.

I don't even know how he got my phone number.

I was -- I answered the phone and he said,

"My name is Frank Henenlotter, I'm working on a film called

'Frankenhooker,' I'd like you to be involved,"

and he hung up.

And I never heard from him again.

And about a year later,

I was called for an audition to go to read for the --

for the part, and -- -Really? I didn't --

I already had you cast. I didn't need you to read.

-Well, I -- -Okay.

-Well, I got a casting couch and everything I did for this.

Well, I'm glad I got it. -Yes.

-Were you r-- I mean, when you first read the script,

you read the part that says "Jeffrey probes his own brain

with a power drill," and you went,

Oh, yeah, I got a preparation for that, I got that nailed.

-That's -- that's actually one of the only things

that I didn't understand, really.

And I remember going in your office and I said,

I don't I don't understand what is he doing?

Why -- why am I drilling myself in the head, wouldn't I be dead?

And... And he just kept saying,

Oh no, no, no, it's funny. You'll be --

You'll be great at it. Don't worry about

-It's acupuncture. -That's it.

-It's advanced acupuncture. That's all it was.

-What was your acting background at the time

when you got this part?

-Well, not much. I, you know,

I had just started out,

I was in film school for a few years

and I dropped out to pursue acting -- School of Visual Arts.

And I had the part in "Street Trash,"

and I had done some off-off-Broadway theater.

And -- but then right after that, after "Frankenhooker,"

I, you know, started working a little bit more.

-Frank, I think you're the only guy

who ever watch "Street Trash" and thought,

"What talent! I've got to use all these actors

from 'Street Trash'!"

-Well, you know, I -- the first version I saw

was just for -- to raise --

I think it was just select scenes from it,

so I thought -- I said to Jim Muro who directed it,

I said," You got you got the greatest leading man.

This is a winner." -That's true.

And he said, "Well, you know, he's really only in

a small part," and I said, "Big mistake!

Put him dead center."

Yeah, but it was too late. It was already...

-Obviously the right decision, because, James,

you absolutely sell this character

and more than half of your dialog

is soliloquies -- you're talking to yourself!

And -- and they're not "Hamlet" soliloquies!

You're talking about,

you know, taking the Van Wyck to JFK

to kill stewardesses and stuff like that.

How do you do that?

How do you -- how do you act alone like that

in a script like this?

-I had to spend a lot of time on the set alone,

and it was -- it was very unnerving sometimes

because, you know, there was -- there was a lot of exposition

and -- and, you know, me walking around, and I got,

I guess it could have been just nerves or whatever.

And I just started muttering around and -- and, you know,

a lot of people think I -- this was improvised.

Well, yes and no, because after a while, I think Frank said,

"All right. Well, if he's going to do that," you know,

so he was directing my improvisations, and luckily,

we had some of the same sense of humor

and references, so, you know, he would say,

"All right, do this one, get rid of that one,"

you know, and then we would just sort of --

Because I think that that helps bring some --

this is not a nice guy.

I, you know, he's not a nice human being.

I mean, you think about

he wants to bring his girlfriend back to life,

but he wants a better looking woman, you know?

-Right? -So how do you, you know?

Well, you know, maybe if you introduce a little bit of,

you know, he's really not all there,

but you know, he's really not a bad guy

because, you know... -But the things --

So the things you're muttering

as you prepare the part are things

that actually end up in the movie?

-Yes. Yeah. Well, you know, I, uh,

I have a a racing mind. -Okay.

You're a New Yorker, right? -Yes.

-And this is a very New York movie,

and maybe both of you can talk about this --

what was going on in New York in the '80s

that created a whole genre of kind of dark, dirty,

crime-ridden, cynical horror movies?

You had "Maniac," you had "Driller Killer,"

you had "Street Trash," you had, um, you had,

"Ms .45," I mean, there's -- there's probably 20 of them.

And yours, Frank, are actually the lightest ones.

-Yeah. -I mean, because you use humor

so often in your storytelling.

But what was going on in New York City that, you know,

because you probably didn't notice it at the time,

but now we look back on it, we say,

Wow, there's sort of a school of dirty,

grimy New York filmmaking from -- from 1980 to 1990.

-No, I didn't notice it.

I mean, I was so deep into 42nd Street culture.

-Yeah. -And you know, it didn't --

you know, in Times Square, it was all a slow evolution

into a dirty pit.

And you know, and like we said before,

the crack epidemic really, really overwhelmed the city.

I mean, it was hard to believe that it was that extreme.

-Yeah, but -- but here we are

watching exploitation comedies about it.

So -- -Yeah, and it was still --

-James, you were in two of --

-There were still a -- -Two of those classics.

-Still a lot of crime then. -Very lucky.

-And by the way, you know, the, uh --

I brought Joe Bob the, uh -- a boob,

I brought something from you.

These are your glasses from the film.

-Oh, yes! Yes, I remember these.

Well, what do you know? -Have you not seen those

since 1989? -No, no, these aren't the --

these are your glasses. -Yeah, they used to be.

Now they're yours. -I remember that was the, uh --

you gave them to me and you say, "Here's your disguise."

[Laughter]

I can't see anything.

-Did you watch the movie in the theater?

James? Did it play on 42nd Street?

-No, it never did. -No?

-No. -I mean, look, it was

perfect film made for 42nd Street, never played there.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Did you watch it in the theater, though?

-No, I don't watch my -- -Never watched it with --

with an audience?

-No, I never did until a film festival in Brazil.

-Really? Okay. -Yeah.

-All right. Well, let's go back to the movie.

What's interesting, James, is that even though

you're -- you're the pervert in every scene,

you don't really come across as a pervert.

You come across as like a kid with his first

"Playboy" magazine or something, you know?

-Well, that's what a professional pervert does.

[Laughter]

You -- you try to go about it as innocently as possible.

And that's how you, you know...

-You know, on the day when you were crawling around

a room examining hookers' legs and choosing the best breasts

and put -- and putting check marks on their butts.

-Well, that... -Was that a fun day?

-No! No, no. -No?

-Everybody thinks, Oh, you were with all these half naked girls,

and it was actually very stressful, you know,

because there was a lot of, uh,

well, there's a lot of testosterone

in the room at the time.

And, you know, there's a lot of physical activity happening,

especially when they're going for the crack.

And I got nine girls on top of me, and, you know, it was --

it -- -I feel so sorry for you, James.

-It's hard work.

-And let's face it, it's not, uh...

-You know, it's like, let me make this comparison.

It's like a Busby Berkeley musical,

but it's filtered through the mind of Frank Henenlotter.

-Oh, that's great. Yeah.

-Well, I mean, he was pretty out there,

if you watch some of them. -That's true.

He was a little bit of a pervert, wasn't he?

-Yeah. Yeah. "By a Waterfall,"

the lesbian waterfall. Oh, my God.

-You know, there's a picture that appeared in

"Time" magazine at the -- at the time, this was one of

the first films, I believe, to get the NC-17 rating.

And so there was an article on it

and the picture that they used for the article

about what it was me crawling through the legs

with the glasses on, you know, with the fishnet stockings.

-We never got an NC-17. We didn't take any rating

-That makes it look like an old Russ Meyer

Peeping Tom movie, though

-It was -- well, yes, yes.

But there was -- well, there was some --

it had something to do about --

Maybe that's what it was, that films are not being rated.

-Who cares? I mean --

-Look, I don't want any trouble, I just want to

bring up the idea that it was wasn't, you know?

-Yeah, and the marketing was brilliant because you had this,

you had this box where --

-That's all James Glickenhaus. -If you press the, uh --

It doesn't work anymore, but if you pressed this,

it would say, "Want a date?"

-Yeah, he -- James Glickenhaus

pulled off the greatest William Castle gimmick,

you know, that was ever done on home video,

and that's it. -And these are probably worth,

if you can find one that works --

-Well, the batteries are past their expiry --

expiration date, but I remember -- you remember

the place called Video Shack

that was used to be -- first store in Manhattan

that just sold only tapes.

Yeah, and the upstairs was the new release thing.

And they think, well, I'm in the store one day,

and all I hear is, "Want a date? Want a date?"

That was people pressing the button,

that's all they were doing! "Want a date? Want a date?

Want a date?" Oh! You know...

Just creepy.

-That's how much they loved the movie.

-Well, they loved the box. That's what it was, you know?

♪♪

Engine rumbling, brakes squeal]

♪♪

[Thunder rumbling] -Holy Jesus!

I gotta work fast.

Not usable.

It's like a man's hand.

Look at this... This is...

I think we have it.

♪♪

♪♪

[Welder zapping]

Okay.

Too soft.

Okay. What's this? These? No!

No good. Mutt and Jeff.

Alright, these two?

Maybe. Wait a minute.

Them! Alright.

Okay.

Alright.

Where are they?

Where are the perfect ones?

Just stand there!

How the hell did that get in there?

Alright. Ah, now this is...

This is what I'm talking about now!

Here it is. Okay!

We got it.

Nice.

Oh, my God.

Bunions!

♪♪

[Rasping]

[Blows]

♪♪

[Sighs]

♪♪

Now, just one final detail.

♪♪

♪♪

Well...

This is it, Elizabeth.

This is the moment we've been waiting for.

♪♪

Just give me a couple of seconds.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay.

It's alright.

That's good.

Now just relax!

Gonna get to each and every one of you

as soon as I can, just like I promised.

It's alright.

That's it. Oh! Okay!

There...

♪♪

But tonight belongs to Elizabeth.

♪♪

Oh, God, Elizabeth...

I love you so much.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

I mean...

I know that things will never be the same again...

as before, but...

I mean, who knows? Maybe...

Maybe it'll be better. I don't know.

But I do know I'll have you back with me.

And I'll never let anything ever hurt you again.

I promise.

For as long as I live you'll be safe.

♪♪

Whoop! Whoa, whoa! Okay. It's alright.

No harm done. Everything's okay.

No blood. Nothing's broken.

[Thunder crashing]

[Electricity crackling]

It's time.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Powering up]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Good luck!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

[Zapping, buzzing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Yells]

♪♪

♪♪

[Pulsing]

♪♪

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Elizabeth?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Elizabeth!

-Want a date?

Going out?

Looking for some action?

Need some company?

-No, wait, wait huh? It's...

It's Jeffrey. Jeffrey. -Got any money?

-Money? No, I don't... I don't have any money.

[Rock music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Muffled screams, banging]

-Oh, my God! -It's a girl!

-Oh!

[Passengers murmuring]

[Elizabeth snarls]

[Shudders]

-Elizabeth?

Elizabeth!

Where are you?

Oh, my God!

Elizabeth!!

[Muttering What did she want a date for?

What did she want to have a date for?

She wants money. She wants my money.

Oh, my God, no.

Oh no, no. No. Wait a minute.

You're not gonna go back there!

Elizabeth!

♪♪

♪♪

[Starts engine]

♪♪

♪♪

-Want a date? You going out? -Uh, no thanks.

I'm on my way home, but thanks anyway, I, uh --

[Grunts, garbage cans clatter]

-Well, well. Look at the lady in purple.

What's rockin' you?

-You looking for some action?

-Hey, get your hands off me, babe!

[Screams, tires squeal]

[Camera shutter clicking]

-Need some company? Lonely?

Got any money?

[All shout]

Jeffrey! We've only got a few minutes left

before we hit the streets.

Have you found your perfect woman yet?

-Whoa! Yes! God, yes!

Yes! Take me! Yes!

♪♪

-Holy...

-Are you a Pisces? I love Pisces!

Where are you taking me?

Oh! Oh! Oh! I know this place! I know this place!

I love this place!

I've been here before!

Oh, yes! Yes, yes!

Yes, oh, yes, yeah!

We'd like a room.

...like a room. -Oh, sweet mother of pearl!

-Look! Zorro said you have 30 minutes with the gal you pick,

but you gotta pick, 'cause the rest of us gotta go!

-Whoa! Ha! This is great!

I love that!

She's so anxious!

Wait! I've got the key.

Don't start without me.

Boy, oh, boy!

Better! Bed?

Whoa! [Laughs]

That's great! I love it, I love it!

This is terrific! Do...

Do more. Do more!

-Okay, girls! Listen up!

This here is Jersey Boy.

Doctor Jersey Boy.

But you can call him Jeffrey.

-You wanna play doctor?! Doctor! I love doctor!

Me Doctor, You Nurse!

[Laughing]

Oh! This is great!

What a great idea.

Paging Dr. Jeffrey!

Paging Dr. Jeffrey!

[Groaning]

♪♪

Oh, mother...

♪♪

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh!

[Elizabeth moaning]

-Oh, Jeffrey! Jeffrey!

Ooh! Oh! Don't be selfish, lover!

Hold 'em still. Give it here!

[Moaning] Jeffrey!

Jumbo heaven!

-Isn't it sort of hot in here?

Aahh!

-Oh! Oh! All Right!

[Arcing, man groaning]

[Screams]

[Explosion]

Ohh... That was wonderful.

-And we just saw the complete performance of David Lipman

as the bald-headed John and all of his good luck

to have been chosen by a purple bra sutured hooker

in platform shoes.

David is a character actor

better known as the Miracle Whip Man,

because he was in a series of Miracle Whip commercials

in the '80s.

Frank, is it true that when Patty Mullen

leaves a message on your voicemail even today,

she says, "Want a date? Need some action?

Want some company?"

-Yeah, unfortunately, I don't have the answering machine

anymore, it finally died.

I can't replace it, but it was this great antique

and she would never -- she'd never say,

"Hi, Frank, this is Patty."

It was always, "Going out? Want a date?

Looking for some action?"

-Well, we're 56 minutes into the movie

before we actually see Frankenhooker,

but she -- she gets right down to business,

exploding the clients.

So, um, so Frank,

the super crack can explode people,

but apparently sex with Frankenhooker

can also explode people.

-Yeah, I think that's the idea.

-Clarify the science on that for us.

-I have no idea.

I just thought it'd be fun if she's electrically charged.

-Okay. -That whoever does her

gets electrically charged,

I mean, they're just -- it's hilarious to have a hooker

that actually blows people up. -Okay.

-You know, I mean, she was born of the birth of

explosions, right?

-Okay. -You know, so, what the hell?

-And Jeffrey, when you see Frankenhooker

for the first time -- you're beloved Elizabeth --

the way you played it, is she --

is she beautiful to you when you see her for the first time?

-Oh, that's a good question. Yes.

-She is until she opens her mouth.

-Even with the sutures and everything?

-I don't mind that stuff, but it's her personality

that's gone, you know? -Right, right.

-She only repeats the lines

that you've heard the other hooker say.

-Right. -She doesn't have an original

line until the very end.

-Yeah. Okay, Frank,

Patty Mullen was a Penthouse Pet of the Year.

-Yeah,. -But she only made two movies

in her career -- she made this movie

and a movie called "Doom Asylum."

So tell me -- tell me how you met her.

Why -- how you cast -- cast her?

-I wanted the girl next door. -Okay.

-So there was a contrast to her becoming a hooker.

Okay? And I mean, I -- when --

you know, somebody said, "Oh, Patty Mullen,

and she's a Penthouse Pet," I remember going,

"Oh, God," I just thought she's not going to be right.

And she walked in it and I thought, "You're perfect!"

I mean, really just perfect, and that's what I wanted.

And she was -- because I wanted that sweet innocence that gets,

you know, I guess, corrupted at the end.

-Yeah. Staten Island girl from -- from -- she --

she could be from the neighborhood, right?

-Yeah! Absolutely. -So a lot of people comment

on this -- in the opening scenes,

she's supposed to be obese.

-Heavy-ish. -Heavy.

And -- and people don't notice it because the fat s--

it's -- the fat suit is not...

-It didn't, you know -- -Quite bit enough.

-It didn't -- you didn't see the fat on the face.

-So they're making -- they're making jokes about, you know,

she needs to lose weight, but you don't really...

-Yeah, yeah. I mean, eh...

You know.

I mean, we would have had -- -Low budget.

-For that to -- for that to work,

we really needed a, you know, a double chin.

-Okay. -And, you know...

And I knew about it,

discussed it with Gabe, and he just looked at me like,

"I'm overloaded as it is," you know?

-Oh, Gabe didn't want to do it.

-Well, he would have done it,

but we just, we realized it's going to take time.

It's going to be this, it's gonna -- you know.

-Okay. -You know, I mean, I could live

with a -- with a plot point that wasn't perfect.

-Okay, I got to ask you two more things before I let you go.

I would -- I would never speak ill of the dead.

Okay? But Richard Heffner passed away recently,

and he was the chief censor at the MPAA

who wanted to give you the "S" for "Shit" rating.

-Right. -And -- but you ended up

not changing a single thing, right?

-No, well, we -- we rejected any rating from them.

In other words, you know, the answer was,

"Go fuck yourself. We're putting it on."

However...

Shapiro-Glickenhaus Entertainment

wanted an R-rated version to sell in video stores.

So there was an R-rated version, and --

-You couldn't put an unrated version in video store?

-We could, but it's -- some markets you couldn't.

-Okay. -You know, some Blockbusters

you couldn't, and I I don't know how much of

the R-rated version was sold.

I don't know. -Okay.

-But there was -- -You had to make cuts

to get it down to an R? -And extensive cuts too!

-Really? -I mean, really, you know what?

You know, most of the cuts, believe it or not,

were him doing the, uh -- with all the girls in the room!

-Yeah. -You know, I'm thinking,

what, he's measuring her tits? We have to cut that?

What, no kid has ever been in a film before.

I mean, every R-rated movie! Stop it! What are you doing?

-No tit has ever been measured!

-Yeah! Right, right, right!

So it would, you know, they were and are

an impossible organization. -Yeah.

-I mean, they're just a front for the majors,

and it it's just, you know, the best thing to do

is just -- just completely ignore them, and that's that.

-After this, you made "Basket Case 2."

Pretty soon after this.

-We shot -- "Basket Case 2" and "Frankenhooker"

were basically shot back-to-back.

-Okay. -In fact, Gabe's effects crew

were already working on the creatures

for "Basket Case 3" while we were doing "Frankenhooker,"

and all the sets were designed

to be turned into sets for "Basket Case 2."

So, like, Jeffrey's lab was raised,

you know, for the liquid to come down and get --

But it was also the attic set in "Basket Case 2"

because we had to get the puppeteers underneath it.

-Okay. -One of the puppeteers from

"Basket Case 2," believe it or not, was my mother.

She came by the set.

They brought her in and she's operate--

Anyway. Well, it's a creepy story, you know?

I mean, I'm thinking, "My mother's under there

doing that?" Okay. -And then a couple of years

after that, you make "Basket Case 3."

-One year after, yeah, yeah. -One year after that.

But then there was a 17 year hiatus, Frank --

-Right. -Before you made "Bad Biology."

-Right. -Now, as your fans

and your friends, and all of the people who watch the show

are your fans -- why don't we have 20 more

Frank Henenlotter to enjoy?

-Well, the market drastically changed.

I couldn't get the money.

I mean, SGE went out of business short.

-Shapiro-Glickenhaus, which made "Frankenhooker."

-Yeah, because Jim wanted it -- and I also wanted to do more...

kind of weirder, experimental stuff.

You know, I didn't want to make the same kind of films thing,

but it was pointless anyway

because no one would have given me a check.

And you know, I would --

I tried for a while, and I would, you know,

I had these different ideas and I would pitch the idea

and they would say, "Well, that's interesting,

but what we'd really want is 'Basket Case 4'."

-Okay. Did you ever go out to L.A.?

Did you ever spend time out there tryin' to --

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. -Yeah? And no?

You couldn't get anything. -No, but I had --

one of them, one of my ideas, I wanted to do

a remake of "Thir13en Ghosts." -Really?

-Yeah! And they would say -- -Frank Henenlotter remake

of "Thir13en Ghosts"? We're there!

-Yeah, yeah. And one of the ghosts

was going to be a stripper ghost.

-Okay. -You know, and I -- but...

You know, you know, there was a guy at Columbia

and he had the VHS on his desk looking like,

I don't know, it was supposed to be threatened by it.

And he goes, "I watched this film and it's terrible."

I said, "That's why we're going to remake it!"

-"Oh, okay."

-It's true. Why do they always remake films that are great?

It's like they should take a film that's not quite there

and remake it better, right? -Yeah.

So it was --

I realized I'm facing a dead end here, and I just didn't --

And I would also get requests, you know,

scripts sent to me, and they were all slasher films,

even well past the expiration date of slasher films.

-Okay. -And I said, Well, you know,

all right, can I -- "No, don't change anything."

Well... it's not what I'm interested in.

Fortunately, then I got involved with Something Weird,

so at least I was still not making the exploitation films

but dregging them up from --

-Right, you became one of the leading curators

of, uh, of forgotten films

because of -- you and Something Weird Video.

-And nobody really got -- understood what we were doing.

I mean, there was still a lot of, like,

"What are these films? They're just tits and stuff?"

I'm thinking, "Yeah!"

You know, "That's great!"

When do you see this today? -Yeah.

You guys put out a lot of good stuff.

-I was happy doing that and not --

I didn't even think about going back to making films

until R.A. the Rugged Man, R.A. Thorburn, says to me,

"You know, if I get some money, you want to make another movie?"

And I went, "I don't know, what -- like what?"

And "How much can" --

I said, well, if we can do it in 35, I said,

but look, if we do,

I want to make something that is really too extreme.

You know, if I'm going to come back,

let's -- let's do something that --

and goes, "Yeah!" So we did.

-So you -- so you made "Bad Biology."

Yeah. All right.

James, thank God you got rid of Frankenhooker's bunions.

Good -- Good job with that scene.

Thank you both for being here.

Darcy, our mail girl, has cosplayed Frankenhooker

probably more than any other person in the world.

-Oh, that's great, that's great. -But now we're going to go

to the rather surprising conclusion of...

"Frankenhooker," so roll the film.

I love the fact that you twisted this at the end, so...

And you had a fortune, by your standards,

to make this film, right?

-Oh, hell yeah, yeah.

Jim gave us $3 million to make two movies back to back.

-Okay, and for you, that was a lot.

-Oh, hell yeah. -'Cause your first one

was $30,000 or something? -$35,000.

-$35,000. -And that extra $5,000

made a difference. -Okay.

-You know, we had -- we had the money to get the effects

and make the photography look good and 35mm, and yeah.

-But you didn't waste any of that $3 million

because you were still stealing those shots in Times Square.

Right? -Why not?

-Um, that's actually an iconic shot,

when Frankenhooker comes out of the subway,

-I know, I know, it's like coming out of the grave

-People use it all the time.

And what's great about it is nobody really notices --

to me, that's what makes the shot work.

Nobody in New York notices, just another New Yorker.

-Yeah, yeah! -Coming up out of the subway.

-You know, for years people thought Rutger Hauer did that,

uh, did a cameo in the film.

-Oh, the Swede. -Yeah!

-You know, "What are you, some kind of Swede?"

Isn't that your -- isn't that your line?

-That was ad libbed.

And -- but for years I'd read that, you know,

Rutger -- that was Rutger Hauer.

No. -No. It was some guy in

"A Chorus Line," right? It was some --

It was some Norwegian guy.

-I don't think -- I don't think he was really Norwegian, was he.

-Well, he had an accent that sounded like it was.

-Well, maybe it was. I don't know, you know.

-Well, that's the -- that's -- that's another

one of the surreal moments in the film,

"What are you, some kind of Swede?"

I don't know what it means, but it was funny.

-Well, it's actually -- it's a --

it's an homage to my friend, Victor.

We used to call him the Swede because he had like light hair,

so that was his little shout out.

-All right. Thanks, guys. This has been wonderful.

-Thank you. -All right.

♪♪

[Hip hop playing from boombox]

[Honking]

-Hey, excuse me, excuse me!

Listen, I'm looking for a very tall, attractive woman,

she's purple, she's got fresh scars on her.

Excuse me, pal, I'm looking for a tall, attractive girl.

She's got a sexy purple outfit on.

She's got a scar on her neck. She's very sick.

-Scumbag, bah!

-Hey, excuse me. Please, you got to help me out here,

I'm looking for my girlfriend, she's very sick,

I got to get her medicine.

She's -- she's tall, she's got -- she's purple,

she's got some -- some scars on her, a purple outfit.

Have you seen him around here? -Oh, ja!

[Foreign]

-What are you talking about?!

What are you, some kind of a Swede?!

You're talking to me in Swedish in Times Square!

Elizabeth!

-Hey! Hey, doll face.

How about those Mets?

Well, actually, I'm not too fond of organized sports.

More of a one-on-one type guy,

I kind of prefer a certain... "indoor sport,"

you know what I mean?

How about if I, uh, my tongue down your throat?

♪♪

[Gasping, screaming]

♪♪

-Huh...

-Fifty bucks, just like that!

You look at some company this evening?

What's happenin', sugar?

-Listen, girls, I need some help.

-Oh, I'm sure I can help you. -I know I can.

-No, I'm looking for a tall purple girl.

She's got a black forearm and fresh stitches --

-We got handcuffs, whips, enemas, dildos, racks,

chain-link, barbed wire... and feathers.

-She's also got a tattoo on our arm,

it's a Z in a circle.

-That's one of Zorro's girls.

They're all gone! -They're dead!

-No, they're not -- -Fuck off!

-They're coming back! They're going to be back

in a couple of weeks. -What do you know about this?

Huh? What do you fucking know about this?

What are you dressed like that for, man?

-Do the right thing? -Did you do the fucking

right thing?! That's the question!

Did you do the right thing? -I gotta get back,

we're goin' to the hospital now, I gotta go to my emergency room.

-I'll put you in the fuckin' emergency room.

What are you, a fucking sick son of a bitch?! Huh?!

-Party! Party! Wanna party?

Jersey Boy here want's a twosome!

Lonely?

Need some company?

Goin' out?

Want a date?

-I said -- oh! -Party!

Got any money?

-Hey...

[Yelps]

-No, no, no, no, they didn't leave!

They didn't go nowhere. They just blew up!

-Blew up? -Fucking exploded!

One minute they're my bitches, the next,

there's pieces all over!

-Well, when -- when a man loses his hoes,

he loses everything!

-I didn't lose a man!

They just blew up!

-Oh!

-I saw it happen, man.

-Hey, Zorro, I'll catch you later.

That's enough with you and them, uh, explodin' bitches.

-Holy shit, girls,

it's Johns! Super Johns!

A whole shit-load of Johns!

-[Titters]

-One of these days, I'm going to get sick

and tired of this shit and let one of you punks win.

[Thud, man groans]

-Hey, Spike!

-What the hell is that?

-[Inhales sharply]

[Ominous music]

-Well, hello baby!

-Pretzels good!

-Hey, babe! For your own good...

Go easy on those pretzels.

-[Snarling]

-Now, I know that I never saw you here before,

because I would have most surely remembered.

-Are you gonna take my temperature, Doc?

I bet you got a big thermometer!

-Ooh, baby!

I just loves a woman who knows what she wants!

-Hey, girls. Listen up!

This here is Jersey Boy. Doctor Jersey Boy.

But you can call him Jeffrey.

Zorro told you all about Jeffrey.

It's his party and he wants to play doctor.

-Party, yeah! Hey, babe...

There's way to many freaks in this joint.

Hows about if you and I just skip out,

to some place a little more... Intimate.

-Look, Zorro said you had 30 minutes with the gal you pick.

But you gotta pick 'cause the rest of us gotta go.

-Whatever baby.

Look... Why don't you and I...

We can sit right over here.

-Are we gettin' paid?

♪♪

[Indistinct chatter]

[Rock music in background]

-Oh, baby...

It's not right...

A woman like you...

You're...

Beautiful.

Unprotected.

All alone in a city like this.

There's sharks all around.

Folks who could just as easily prey upon a woman

as unusual as you.

A woman so distinctively different.

Somebody's gotta take care of you.

Somebody like me, who can protect you.

Somebody who'll understand your needs,

your...big bazooms!

-Honey, in case you ain't noticed,

I not only got all the right parts,

but I got 'em in all the right places!

-Oh, I noticed! Ooh, I noticed!

Oh, I noticed.

I noticed, I noticed, I noticed!

I noticed! Don't I know!

[Muffled]

-Ooh, honey! Look at Miss Thang!

[Muffled groaning]

♪♪

[Arcing]

-Anyone got a stem?

[Arcing, explosion]

[Screaming]

-Whore of Babylon the great!

Mother of Harlots and abominations of the earth!

I will show unto thee the judgment of the great whore,

the woman arrayed in purple and scarlet.

Kings of the earth have committed fornications

and lived illicitly with her.

They shall wail and lament

when they see the smoke of her burning.

-So, you've seen her?

-She's in the bar!

-God bless.

-Who the fuck are you?!

How come you know about me and Jersey Boy?!

This ain't your tattoo!

This ain't your arm! Where'd you get this arm?!

This is one of my bitch's arm!

Who the fuck are you?!

[Screaming]

[Electricity crackling]

[Screaming continues]

-Let me through! I'm a Doctor.

Alright? Let me through.

Just step to the side.

Take it easy. It's like...

It's like a soccer game.

Elizabeth!

Elizabeth?!

-Jersey Boy.

-Jesus Christ, Elizabeth.

I didn't bring you back to have you hang out

in a joint like this.

Now come on. We're going home.

Let's go.

[Patrons coughing]

-I told you! I told you! -Okay, come on.

Just put one -- I know.

One step in front of the other. That's right!

-Yes! I told you!

-I know you did. -I told you!

-I told you! -Don't bump your head.

That's right. Nice and easy.

-Yes! I told you!

-I know you did.

Okay. Thank you!

-I told you! -That's a good man.

-Yes! Yes! I told you! -Thank you.

-I told you! I told you!

[Coughing, retching]

-Spilled my Goddamn drink.

-Taxi!

♪♪

-Oh, God, Elizabeth.

I didn't want things to turn out this way.

I didn't want you to turn out this way.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Elizabeth, please!

♪♪

♪♪

[Powers down]

♪♪

Elizabeth, I know you're not a hooker.

You're not a hooker, Elizabeth.

You're not! You're not!

-Of course I'm not.

Why in the world would you ever say anything like that, Jeffrey?

-Elizabeth. Elizabeth, is that you?

-What are we doing here?

What happened to mom and dad and the party?

I...I...

-You don't remember?

-The lawnmower! Oh, God, what's happened to me?

-You were -- you were gone.

-A coma?

-Worse.

-Dead?

-I brought you back, Elizabeth.

I brought you back to life. -How?

-Oh, a bunch of things, I got it all written down over there.

-This is fantastic.

This is incredible. What a miracle.

You have to share this with the rest of the world.

-No, it's half a miracle.

I-I -- my blood serum is estrogen-based.

I mean, I can only bring back women.

-Oh, we're just think of

how many people you can save, Jeffrey.

I'm so proud of you.

So very, very proud of you.

These aren't my arms.

This isn't my hand.

These aren't my legs. This isn't my breast.

Look at me! What have you done?

-Take it easy, all right, just calm down.

I can explain everything.

I had to make a few changes. That's all.

There wasn't enough of you left to fry an egg with.

-I feel so strange as if there were so many different

women inside of me. -All right.

Maybe I had to do a few unorthodox things but, you know,

things didn't turn out so bad.

I mean, I love you. I love you.

And you're alive. And I love you, Elizabeth.

Now, more than ever, I love you.

And we're going to spend the rest of our lives together,

me and you.

-[Screaming]

Oh, God! Why did you do this? Who are you?

-No, no, no, the question is, who are you

and from what I've been hearing your ass is mine.

I'm taking possession right now.

You hear me, Honey? You hear me, Crystal?

You hear me, Angel?

Chartreuse, Snow, Sugar, Monkey?

I know you're in there. Every one of you!

Well, Zorro's here to take care of you again,

and Zorro knows what you need to get

in the right state of mind --

some of this sweet, sweet rock.

[Gurgling, indistinct voices]

What the fuck?

[Indistinct voices continue]

[Breathing heavily]

[Laughter]

[Whining]

-Oh, shit, get the fuck away from me.

[Laughter]

Get the fuck away from me!

[Squeaking]

Aah!

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Anybody got a stamp?

[Laughing]

♪♪

-Jeffrey, I have an idea.

Jeffrey?

Yoo-hoo! Wake up.

You awake?

-Elizabeth. -Jeffrey!

What happened?

-Some man named Zorro came by here.

-Zorro? Here.

-Yes. Jeffrey, you were -- you were gone.

-Dead? How did -- what...

-Well, you have very good notes.

And of course, I used living parts.

-Living parts? What do you mean, living parts?

Holy shit. That's not my hand.

What are these boobs?

Elizabeth, what did you do to me?

-I can explain, obviously,

since your serum only works on female body parts.

I couldn't reuse your old body or even Zorro.

So naturally, I had to make changes.

-No, look, where's my Johnson?

What does it do to me, Elizabeth?

-Granted, what I did may have been a bit unorthodox,

but hey, you look great

and you're alive and you're back with me

and I love you.

I love you, Jeffrey, and we're together again,

all of us. -Together again.

-Together again.

-Oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, aah, aah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I just want to mention, again,

that surreal moment in that last series of great scenes

when Jeffrey goes looking for Elizabeth

and he's at that subway entrance.

And he accosts the guy who talks to him in Swedish.

And he says, "What are you, some kind of Swede?"

And in that one little moment,

the reason -- the reason I brought it up

is you see through to the madness of Jeffrey,

but you also see through to the sort of theater

of the absurd of the movie itself that -- we looked it up,

that that was Eivind Harum as the Swede,

actually a Norwegian who was a cast member

in "A Chorus Line."

I don't remember how he got into the movie.

I don't think Frank does either.

But there's that moment and then the moment

when the street preacher says, She's in the bar,"

meaning the whore of Babylon is in the bar,

but also Frankenhooker,

reinforcing the absurdity of this environment.

That's partly New York City in 1989 and partly Jeffrey's

New Jersey imagination of what New York City is like.

And one more little fact.

The butch bartender, that's Shirley Stoler,

who is infamous for starring in "The Honeymoon Killers."

Okay, come on over, Darcy.

-Want a date?

-You do that too well.

-Got any money? [Laughter]

-I love this cosplay. You do this better than anybody.

-Need some company?

[Laughter]

-Darcy, you've been --

you're the leading Frankenhooker cosplayer

for at least 10 years now.

-Hmm. -[Laughs]

-I'm honored --

I'm honored that you agreed to do it on the show.

-Want a date? Got any money? Need some company?

-You love this movie, don't you? Have a seat. Have a seat.

That final sequence...

where the hooker body parts come to life

and kill Zorro, the pimp,

that's reminiscent of those special effects in "Society"

and in "Bride of Re-Animator," but those movies

and a lot more budget than the 1.5 million

that Frank was working with for this one.

So you had Frank on your podcast, right?

-Yeah, he was amazing.

-Well, I think we've successfully

ruined Valentine's Day for everybody.

-Yes. And it was great.

-Okay. And it's time for some mail.

Did you bring some mail? You got some mail for me?

-I do. Got any money? -[Laughs]

-Tonight's letter is from Zach Hall of Nashville.

-Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob and Darcy, my name is Zach,

"and I've been a fan since 'Monster Vision' on TNT.

"When I found you --

"when I found you came back to Shudder, I was elated.

"I was going through a divorce in the middle of a pandemic.

"I had sort of given up,

"and YouTube gave me friends to watch films with

"that I hadn't been able to watch for years.

"Going into 2021

"I was patiently waiting for the new season

"when I caught COVID, myself.

"I watched the last season again telling myself I'd be okay.

"Luckily, I made it safely, then two weeks after,

"my father passed suddenly away from a heart attack.

"I lost another person

"within the same year as my divorce. I was broken.

I didn't know what to do."

You gave me a serious letter.

"I passed through my days aimlessly

"until you did your Valentine's special.

"I joined the Mutant Family Facebook group

"to chat while I watched,

"and it was then that I realized why I've been a fan for so long.

"You gave me friends and someone to watch movies

"I wanted to watch with.

"I didn't feel alone. I felt like I belonged.

"Soon after,

"a spur of the moment I drove from Nashville

"to the Days of the Dead convention in Atlanta

"to meet both of you.

"I was the weird guy with the hose attached to his mask

"who sort of blurted all my thoughts at once

"due to being awestruck meeting you both.

"Darcy became my favorite mail girl.

"Sorry, Rusty,

"due to her kindness,

"even though I was late for her Valentine's,

"she went out of her way to send me one.

"And Joe Bob, you forever made me feel okay

"watching the movies I enjoyed instead of taking the teasing

"and bullying that I grew up with.

"Friday double features are a bright point for me

"because 2020/2021 have taken a lot from me

"and for many others.

"Thank you so much, both of you, for everything you do.

"You're both loved and adored. The drive-in will never die.

Thank you, Zach Hall, Nashville, Tennessee."

Well, Darcy, I mean this -- this is all about you.

You do that,

you know, you do all that social media stuff like with --

you do have love and affection for our fans.

-They're like part of a family. -He is part of the family.

But you, yeah, I don't talk.

I don't say positive things about you enough

and you do that --

you do that social media stuff so well that we do have a family

and we feel close to our fans and they feel close to us.

And that's that's all your work. So thank you very much.

-Got any money?

-You got big plans for Valentine's Day?

Are you going to be reproducing the orgiastic feast

of Lupercalia in Hollywood?

You actually live in Hollywood? -Very close.

-Are there going to be revels in the wood hood?

-In the wood hood?

-Isn't that what they call neighborhoods

in Hollywood? Wood hoods?

-No, they do not.

But yes, there will be revels. I mean, have you met me?

-All right. Did you send out --

you sent out Bloody Valentine's this year?

-Do you even look at Twitter? Yes, of course.

-I do.

I mean, you're much more popular on Twitter than I am.

I guess you're saying I should have been --

I should've noticed all the people

posting their special Valentine from Darcy on Twitter.

-Don't worry, I'm all over it.

-Okay, everybody go to Darcy's house for Valentine's Day.

There will be revels.

-Don't say that.

-What I will say is, I'm Joe Bob Briggs

reminding you to always consider Conway's law.

Do you know what Conway's law is?

-I'm afraid you're about to tell me.

-Conway's law is in every organization

there is one person who knows what's going on.

That person must be fired.

And the drive-in will never die.

♪♪

You know, speaking of sex and orgies on Halloween,

I just joined a sex club.

-You did? -Yes, I'm a throbbing member.

[Laughter]

Okay, I apologize for that.

Photographer goes to a haunted castle.

-You're going to try again after that one?

-Yeah. The photographer is trying to get a picture

of a ghost that just appears once every hundred years.

So the photographer sits in the dark until midnight.

And sure enough, the ghost not only shows up,

but he turns out to be friendly

and even says he'll pose for the picture.

So the photographer puts his camera on flash,

and he takes the picture and he runs home to his computer

because he wants to put it out on social media.

And there's nothing there.

The photo is completely blank.

And you know why?

Because the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

-You do not have enough money...

-Should have stuck with the throbbing member?

-Yes. Yes. -Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Sometimes love is hard ♪

♪ Electrifies the mind and tosses us aside ♪

♪ Other times love brings us together ♪

♪ A beautiful attempt to fall, an undead life ♪

♪ I miss the days when it was just you and me ♪

♪ But now I'm heading there of my misery ♪

♪ Oh, never say never ♪

♪ Purple pleasure ♪

♪ Stay here forever ♪

♪ Let's have an adventure ♪

♪ Try to remember ♪

♪ Our last endeavor ♪

♪ Pull me whenever ♪

♪ Put me back together, my sweet ♪

♪ Sweet love professor ♪

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

-♪ Other people ♪

-♪ We are sick ♪ -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting ♪ -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

-♪ Vomit meter ♪

-♪ We'd be off the scale ♪

-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪