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1
00:00:02,586 --> 00:00:04,754
PAM:
Jeez Larue, can you believe this?
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:07,965
A mandatory meeting at 7 a.m.?
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:10,885
Wonder what crawled up her butt.
Ugh, there's no telling.
4
00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:14,097
Our bodies are aswarm
with microscopic organisms, Pam.
5
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,140
Literally aswarm.
6
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,809
Wait, what? What have you heard?
7
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,143
About the staff meeting?
8
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,770
Oh, right, yes. Never mind.
9
00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,647
Then may I suggest we get up there...
10
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:26,109
...so we don't have to find out
what "grave consequences" means?
11
00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:29,445
It means--
In the context of her memo.
12
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:31,447
Jesus, what's up his butt?
13
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:35,993
I think the important thing now
is that we don't start any sort of panic.
14
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,204
Hurry up, you ding-dongs.
15
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,331
LANA: Wait, wait, wait, I'm coming.
Hurry up.
16
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:43,042
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, keep your panties on.
17
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,544
One step ahead of you.
18
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:47,088
Or am I?
19
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:51,092
Wait. Is Archer blowing this off?
ARCHER: No. Hold the door. Hold the door.
20
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,010
RAY:
I am. It's not doing anything.
21
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:57,765
Damn it, Ray, hold the fricking door.
Oh, no, it's Maximum Overdrive all over--
22
00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,600
[ARCHER GRUNTING]
23
00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:03,187
Oh, good, you made it.
24
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:07,483
Look, Ray, one is red and one is green.
What are you, color blind?
25
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,652
I am, actually.
26
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,406
Typical.
Of what?
27
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,868
So does anybody have any idea
what this meeting is about?
28
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:19,078
Well, if I know Miss Archer--
Butt bugs.
29
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,663
Ha, what?
Not what I was--
30
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,583
Ugh, that was a figure of speech.
They all are.
31
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,251
Hey. Will you quit yelling?
32
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,502
Will you?
Yes.
33
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:27,837
Hey.
Remain calm.
34
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,005
Do not panic.
35
00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:32,425
No one's panicking, Krieger.
Only because they haven't hatched yet.
36
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,634
Who?
What?
37
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:35,052
What hasn't hatched?
What?
38
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,262
Quit yelling!
39
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,347
What hasn't hatched?
I've said too much.
40
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,475
Krieger, I swear to--
41
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,059
[ALL GASP]
42
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,270
We're doomed.
Oh, my God.
43
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,606
Oh, my God.
Remain calm.
44
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,399
Do not panic.
Krieger, shut up.
45
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,151
See? It's broken.
Ray.
46
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:53,571
Archer?
Hang on. Ray, Cyril, give me a hand here.
47
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:55,948
[MEN GRUNTING]
48
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,158
Lana.
49
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,367
What?
You....
50
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,661
Should be doing this.
You know....
51
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,413
[LAUGHING]
52
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,207
[MEN GRUNT]
53
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,250
CHERYL:
Oh, my God, we work in a coal mine?
54
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:07,794
Carol, shut up.
55
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,879
You're not my coal mine supervisor!
56
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:11,088
Yup. Hey, guys?
57
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,634
[MEN GRUNTING]
58
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,513
Oh, damn it.
59
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,889
CHERYL: What?
RAY: What is it?
60
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:23,559
Well, thanks to Ray, who let's just all assume
broke the elevator somehow...
61
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,812
...we're stuck at the top.
62
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,480
Oh, God.
63
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,232
[ELEVATOR CREAKING]
64
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,108
I hope.
65
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,107
PAM: Hello?
CHERYL: Hello!
66
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,234
PAM: Hello!
CHERYL: Hello?
67
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:14,777
PAM: Hello?
CHERYL: Hello!
68
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,445
PAM: Hello!
CHERYL: Hello?
69
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:20,658
Stop it. No one else can hear you
because no one else is here yet.
70
00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:24,412
Not that other people actually work here.
What do you mean? Where'd they go?
71
00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:28,791
Uh, remember when the office shut down
and we spent an entire year as coke dealers?
72
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,126
What, so people just quit?
73
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:33,504
And on the subject of things
that don't work here anymore, my phone.
74
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,256
CYRIL: Damn it.
I don't even turn--
75
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:38,092
I am sans bars.
Yeah, you're not gonna get a signal.
76
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,262
I installed an RF jammer on the roof.
77
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:44,098
Of the building?
No, of the elevator.
78
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,516
Why?
RAY: You did what?
79
00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:49,687
Ahem. And for what possible reason?
80
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:53,024
So people would quit staring at their phones
and talk to each other.
81
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:55,943
Okay. Well, then let's open the--
RAY: One, two, three, go.
82
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,613
Trapdoor. Ray, open the trapdoor.
83
00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,947
He can't.
Wha--?
84
00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,699
Oh, my God, Cyril, please.
85
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,035
I am way stronger than you.
86
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,871
That being said, this thing's stuck.
87
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,707
It's not stuck. It's locked from the outside.
88
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,668
Wait, what?
It's not for stranded passengers to get out.
89
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,587
It's for rescue crews to get in.
90
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:19,133
The last thing they want is people crawling
around on top of a malfunctioning elevator car.
91
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:20,593
Who is "they"?
92
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,802
Big Elevator.
93
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,012
Not a thing.
94
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,306
And why do you know so much
about elevators?
95
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:26,933
I don't know. It's a hobby.
96
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:30,227
I guess I've just always
been fascinated by them.
97
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,897
I honestly have no response to that.
98
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:36,150
Anyway, I bet the top of the car
smashed right into the motor, so--
99
00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,694
Yeesh. Hope the radio jammer's okay.
100
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,738
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
101
00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,783
Heh, thanks, Krieger.
I think we all needed that.
102
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,994
And besides, we don't need cell phones.
We have a--
103
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,829
Elevator phone. Cyril, try that.
104
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,873
I am, if you'd shut up.
105
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:53,292
Oh, gross. This phone is all sticky.
106
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:57,171
Yeah, mine at home gets bad sticky.
Of course it does.
107
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,924
And since when are you elevator boss?
Birth?
108
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:03,761
And it's dead.
Typical.
109
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,722
Okay, Ray. Interface.
110
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,892
I'm sorry?
With the controls. Beep, boop, boop, boop.
111
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,395
Come on, cyborg. R2-D2 it.
112
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,771
R2-D2 it.
113
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:17,733
Yeah, probe around in there and whatever.
Shut down the tractor beam.
114
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,485
With what, my dick?
115
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,779
I-- However you normally do it.
116
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,322
I don't normally do it.
117
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,032
I know, but this is an emergency.
118
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,826
Hey! Hey!
119
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,204
ARCHER: Damn it, Carol, there's nobody--
Shut up, stupid, it's Milton.
120
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,206
[MILTON WHIRRING]
121
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:33,624
Go get help, boy.
122
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,792
[MILTON BEEPING]
123
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,877
There's no time. Go get help.
124
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,092
Get help how? It's a toaster.
125
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,679
Well-- Well, at the very least,
maybe he'll bring back toast.
126
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,848
Speaking of toast,
I don't know about you...
127
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,767
...but I didn't eat any breakfast.
128
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,269
Hey, wait a second.
129
00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,396
Get your own goddamn bear claw.
130
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:59,400
Cyril, what is that? Is that a bagel?
No. Get off. Jeez, it's just napkins.
131
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:01,819
Get the napkins.
Let's just take it down a--
132
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,572
Shut up, we're all gonna starve!
Get away.
133
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,115
Guys, come on.
Hey, stop.
134
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:07,658
Knock it off. Please.
Hey.
135
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,744
Easy. Hey. Hey.
Pam, stop that.
136
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,245
Everybody, calm--
137
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,497
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]
138
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,416
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
139
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,047
Asshole.
Shit.
140
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,090
What the hell?
I'm sorry.
141
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:27,011
Seriously, I'm sorry.
I sincerely apologize for doing that.
142
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:30,431
Archer, if you do that again--
I swear to God, I won't do it again.
143
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,016
You're listening for once.
144
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:36,187
That being said,
I swear to God, I will do it again.
145
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,107
Asshole.
146
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:43,319
Ray, shut up.
Cyril, let's get that sweater vest off, buddy.
147
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:46,405
I'm sorry?
I know, but nobody makes you wear them.
148
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,240
I-- Why do you want it?
149
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,117
As like a tablecloth or whatever.
150
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:54,330
We're all gonna put our food in the middle,
then I'll be in charge of rationing it out.
151
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:58,125
Why do you think you would be in charge?
Because I've been lost at sea.
152
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:01,337
Ha. What?
I was lost at sea, Lana...
153
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,672
...and we had to ration
the food and water.
154
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,635
Well, we should have. I actually ate it all
while the other guy was asleep.
155
00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:10,721
Why tell us that story?
If anything, that proves my point.
156
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:14,809
People like me are exactly why
we have to ration our food and water.
157
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,310
People like you who?
158
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:19,188
The strong, like me and you and Pam...
159
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,649
...who will naturally prey on the weak...
160
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:22,983
...like the rest of them.
161
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,652
[SIGHS]
162
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:28,322
Maybe we should pool it. We don't know
how long we're gonna be in here.
163
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:31,408
Yeah, give it up, weakie.
Pam, shut up. I'll start.
164
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:34,537
Here's maybe six ounces of bourbon.
165
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,622
If Cyril would hurry it up already.
166
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,541
For the love of God, will you just--?
167
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:41,585
Wait a minute.
How exactly is this supposed to work?
168
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:44,964
It puts the vest on the floor,
we put food and drink on the vest.
169
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,507
Yeah, but where on the floor?
170
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,676
There's no room.
It'll get kicked over.
171
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,428
Okay, so we tie the vest
into like a pouch, and--
172
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:55,432
God's sake man, it has no sleeves.
The food will just fall out the neck hole.
173
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,687
Well, then it's official.
The sweater vest is literally good for nothing.
174
00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:02,773
Hey, you know what--?
Besides how to dress like an adult?
175
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,651
Well, that's the only thing you do
like an adult.
176
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:06,944
Burn.
177
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:10,364
Yeah, total burn.
I hope I don't start crying later...
178
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,742
...when I'm driving an automobile
to or from a bar.
179
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,536
After having sex with a prostitute.
180
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:19,456
Which is the most adult thing
a person could possibly do.
181
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,334
I like him in vests.
Me too.
182
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,586
Yeah, it works for him.
183
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,755
Well, thanks, ladies, that's--
No, no.
184
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,424
Shut up. I need to think.
185
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:31,051
About what?
Look, this isn't that hard, people.
186
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,596
We've got a bagel, four coffees,
a quart of beer....
187
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:34,889
Ha, ha. A quart?
188
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,183
This a 40, shorty.
Thanks, Omar.
189
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,436
And on top of that, we've got,
I'm guessing, two flasks of bourbon.
190
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,605
I didn't know if I'd have time for lunch.
191
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:46,317
And, Krieger? Coffee?
Uh, no.
192
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,943
Tea?
No.
193
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:50,446
What is it, soup?
194
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:51,822
Define soup.
195
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,449
Define barf.
Oh, good Lord.
196
00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:56,827
Would it be safe to say nobody wants to eat
what's in your Thermos?
197
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:59,747
Ahh! Sweet Jesus God, I would hope so.
198
00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:03,667
Okay, so how about we all agree
to hold on to our food and drinks for now...
199
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,003
...if for no other reason than--
200
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:07,213
Pam.
Pam.
201
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,381
Oh, come on.
Pam, stop it.
202
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,425
[BELCHES]
203
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:15,262
Oh, God, that wasn't just bear claw.
What did you eat for breakfast?
204
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,472
[BELCHES]
205
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,015
Linguine and clam sauce.
206
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,308
ALL:
Ew.
207
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,185
Did you wake up on the docks?
208
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,519
[BELCHES]
209
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,521
But I don't know about those clams,
though.
210
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:29,401
As I was saying, before you, Pam,
drank a third of a gallon of malt liquor...
211
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,613
...maybe we shouldn't
eat or drink too much, because--
212
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:34,573
Yes, Pam?
I have to pee.
213
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,575
Come on.
You just drank a 40.
214
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:39,828
That's what I was trying to say.
I'm not a fricking mind-reader.
215
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,081
In her defense, you didn't finish.
Yeah.
216
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,458
Pam, shut up.
Ahh! I have an idea.
217
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:48,045
Okay, wait, does it have anything to do
with our current situation?
218
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,340
Yes.
Okay, what is it?
219
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,717
We are stuck in an elevator.
220
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,637
The idea, not our current situation.
221
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,014
Well, I'm not a fricking mind-reader.
222
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,808
Oh, my God, what if I am?
223
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:04,353
Then I guess you'd know
what we're all thinking right this very minute.
224
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,438
Okay.
225
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,191
You wanna drink, You wanna lecture us,
you want more bear claws...
226
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,110
...you wanna smoke,
you wanna masturbate...
227
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:14,113
...and you're scared we'll figure out
you're a Krieger clone.
228
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,449
What? That's--
That's all just common sense.
229
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,827
Common sense that she thinks
I wanna masturbate?
230
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:23,872
Come on, Cyril, for most of us,
she just rattled off our obvious addictions.
231
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,125
I'm not addicted to lecturing people.
232
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,252
[ALL LAUGHING]
233
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,254
Lana, are you kidding?
234
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,172
Oh, come on, that's--
235
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:35,134
All right.
And what are you laughing at, Stroker Ace?
236
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,219
I'm not addicted to masturbating.
237
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:41,223
Cyril, come on, hand on the Bible,
lie detector, gun to your head...
238
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,892
...you don't wanna masturbate right now.
239
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,812
Well, not in this elevator.
240
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,564
Well, I wanna drink, so....
241
00:10:48,732 --> 00:10:50,524
And I wanna smoke, so....
242
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,276
Cyril ought to be able to jack it.
243
00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,861
Pam, shut up.
Well, we tried.
244
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:57,031
And just where exactly were you hoping
to smoke that cigarette?
245
00:10:57,198 --> 00:11:00,701
Magnum, P.I.'s house,
but since I'm stuck in here with you people....
246
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,537
Hey. What the shit, woman?
247
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:07,416
The shit is that I am breastfeeding,
so you will not smoke in this elevator.
248
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,376
You wanna bet?
Do you?
249
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:13,589
They're both addicted to gambling.
And you're just a regular Sylvia Browne.
250
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:16,133
I also have extreme claustrophobia.
251
00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:21,263
Psst! Cyril, try to rub one out.
I do not want to masturbate.
252
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,682
Oh, for-- Not even watching that?
253
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,559
ARCHER:
Hey, guys, come on.
254
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:26,977
Hey.
Much stronger hands.
255
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:28,312
[GUN COCKS]
256
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:34,360
I'm serious. I cannot stress this enough.
You do not want tinnitus.
257
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:38,489
How about cirrhosis?
Probably not that either.
258
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,366
Now then, Carol? You had an idea?
259
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,576
Ahh! Are you a mind-reader too?
260
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,037
No, you told us that you had one.
261
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,289
What? Oh, right. Yes.
262
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:51,293
We all jump up and down at the same time
to unjam this stupid thing...
263
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,295
...it plummets down into the basement...
264
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:57,591
...and we boing into that giant spring
at the bottom of the elevator shaft...
265
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,010
...and then are safe.
266
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,224
So suicide pact. An oldie but a goodie.
267
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,600
Should we vote? Who's in?
268
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,102
Nope, not doing that.
No.
269
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,646
No, that works.
I've heard about people doing that.
270
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:14,483
You just want an excuse to wet your pants.
I don't need an excuse.
271
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,443
Yeah, what is this, Soviet Russia?
272
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,113
Wait, are you seriously asking?
273
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,075
I mean--
What's the deal? Would that really work?
274
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,370
Wha-- You're asking the guy with a Thermos
full of human-being soup.
275
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,497
It's-- That's not even a-- If--
276
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,332
What is this, Soviet Russia?
277
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,500
Right?
Oh, my God.
278
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,252
Cyril, shut up.
You shut up!
279
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,170
Krieger, would that work?
280
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:36,505
Huh.
281
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:39,550
Maybe?
What do you mean "maybe"?
282
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:43,137
First, there's no giant spring at the bottom.
It's a hydraulic buffer.
283
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,681
You don't wanna be in the elevator
when it slams.
284
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:48,350
No. At the last second,
you just jump up in the air.
285
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:51,395
How would you know when to jump?
You'd give me a lecture.
286
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,564
Burn.
287
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,982
Ray.
She burned her.
288
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:57,693
I know, but--
Nope, shut up, because here's the thing.
289
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,904
Safety brakes.
That's actually what Elisha Otis invented.
290
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:04,116
Not the elevator itself
but the safety brakes to stop it.
291
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,076
Too bad they couldn't stop diphtheria.
292
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,996
So, wait, would the brakes stop us?
Maybe?
293
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,165
Define maybe.
Oh, my God. Come on.
294
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:15,252
I don't know if they're damaged in the crash.
Okay, but what's the worst case?
295
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,213
Worst case is we die.
Impaled on your boner.
296
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:20,382
I do not have an erection.
297
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:24,303
Well, maybe not now, but, say,
you get a severe head injury on impact.
298
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,929
Boom, priapism.
299
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:29,266
Meanwhile, your bodies are smashing around
like crash dummies...
300
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:33,187
...until, one at a time, you are each impaled
on my priapic erection.
301
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:36,440
Yeah.
Like meat at a Brazilian steakhouse.
302
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:39,943
Ugh, please don't talk about food.
Yeah, I'm figuratively starving.
303
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,197
For meat or Cyril's priapism?
Both.
304
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,282
I can't take it. I am smoking.
Ray.
305
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,827
Ow! Get your foot off my lighter.
Ray, I am serious.
306
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:52,748
RAY: Goddamn it. I will put my mouth
right next to the hole and blow into it.
307
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,417
Grr! Fine, but--
Wait a minute.
308
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,419
Well, then I'm peeing.
Where?
309
00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,005
I think I can get it all back in here.
You can't.
310
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,924
Wait a minute. Everybody, stop.
311
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,884
ALL: What?
Two things.
312
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:08,055
I really think we need to have a serious talk
about getting phrasing back in the mix.
313
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,848
RAY: Holy shit.
PAM: Let it go.
314
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,434
Fine, whatever. No more phrasing.
315
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:13,936
What was thing two?
316
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,271
Oh, nothing.
317
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,399
I'm just having a stroke.
RAY: No, you're not.
318
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,318
It's Milton. He came back.
319
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,363
Yeah.
ARCHER: Hey.
320
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,114
Milton. Here you are.
321
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,366
[WATER RUSHING]
322
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:28,659
ARCHER:
What the--?
323
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:31,245
Goddamn it, Pam.
KRIEGER: No, no, no.
324
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,830
For the love of God, woman!
LANA: Oh, come on!
325
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,166
PAM:
I thought the hole was bigger.
326
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,335
[BOTTLE CLINKING]
327
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,796
I mean....
328
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,965
[MILTON WHIRS]
329
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,428
Oh, it's soaking wet down here.
ARCHER: Oh, my God.
330
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,222
Get it before it gets on me.
331
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,391
With what?
There's nothing to wipe it up with.
332
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,977
Aha! Maybe it is good for something.
333
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,396
Are you crazy? That's cashmere.
334
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,147
Wha--? Oh, my God, sorry.
335
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,649
What, so it's non-absorbent?
336
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,402
Lana, it's cashmere. There are rules.
337
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,445
I'm sorry, Cyril, I didn't know.
338
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,155
RAY: Oh, son of a bitch.
ALL: What?
339
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:08,991
Jesus. What?
CYRIL: What's wrong?
340
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,243
RAY: Guess we can go ahead
and use my suit pants.
341
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,203
You can just say "pants."
342
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,289
Pam wet your pants.
343
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:18,292
It's basically everywhere.
If it gets on my suede boots....
344
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,794
Okay. Jeez.
345
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,504
Jeez.
CYRIL: Oh, Lord.
346
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:25,424
Why aren't you wearing underwear?
PAM: What?
347
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,135
Shit, did Red Dawn happen
and nobody told me about it?
348
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,553
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
349
00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:31,722
[SQUISHING]
350
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,057
There. Happy?
351
00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:35,892
ALL: No.
Yes.
352
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,854
Hey, and over here too,
because if it gets on these boots...
353
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:42,858
...I will not be responsible for my actions.
Right? Isn't it just so liberating?
354
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:46,445
Hey, what's Milton doing?
RAY: What do you--? He's making toast.
355
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:49,114
I wanna see.
Well, too bad, I'm in the hole.
356
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,700
Stop torturing me.
Stop torturing me.
357
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,368
Oh, for-- Ray, take a picture of him.
358
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:54,578
[RAY GROANS]
359
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:55,912
RAY:
Where's my stupid phone?
360
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,498
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] In Soviet Russia...
Pam.
361
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,500
...toaster take picture of you.
362
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:02,294
Doesn't even make sense.
363
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:05,422
KRIEGER: You don't make sense.
ARCHER: It totally does.
364
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,841
The KGB bugs your apartment,
they put a camera--
365
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,677
All right. Jesus Christ.
RAY: Holy shit.
366
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,220
ALL: What?
RAY: I've got a signal.
367
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,598
PAM: Oh, my God.
ARCHER: Oh, my God. Yes.
368
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:16,183
Yeah. I got, like, half a bar.
369
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,726
Call 911. Call 911.
370
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,270
In Soviet Russia--
ARCHER: Pam, stop it.
371
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:22,522
Yeah, seriously.
372
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,900
WOMAN:
911 operator. What is your emergency?
373
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,360
Hello? Can you hear me?
374
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,528
WOMAN:
Hello? I can barely hear you.
375
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,572
I'm trapped in an elevator!
376
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:33,033
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
You said you were trapped in an elevator?
377
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,242
Wha-- Yes.
378
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,287
WOMAN:
Ma'am, you have no call to get snippy with me.
379
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,081
RAY: Wha--?
Heh-heh-heh. "Ma'am."
380
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:43,251
WOMAN: And for the record, being stuck
in an elevator is not an emergency.
381
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:46,088
CHERYL: Are you fricking kidding me?
ARCHER: Yes, it is.
382
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,881
WOMAN:
So I suggest you call your super.
383
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,091
No, no, no.
384
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,425
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
385
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:55,305
Ooh, call her back and tell her
Carol's got crippling claustrophobia.
386
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,516
Wait, what? Aaah!
387
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,559
No.
Jesus.
388
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:01,603
Goddamn it.
389
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:02,771
[LINE RINGING]
390
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,190
WOMAN:
911 operator. What is your emergency?
391
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,858
I am stuck in an elevator--
392
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,903
WOMAN: Ma'am, pranking 911 is a felony.
I--
393
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,738
WOMAN:
I am blocking this number.
394
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:12,948
No, no, no.
395
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:14,449
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
396
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,411
[LAUGHING]
397
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,121
"Ma'am."
398
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,957
Oh, my God. We need this too.
399
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,126
We do, kind of.
400
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,461
[ALL LAUGHING]
401
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,631
911. Burn.
402
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:30,966
Ma'am.
403
00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:33,969
Plus-- Plus, you're covered in piss.
404
00:17:34,846 --> 00:17:36,722
Ah! Ray. Ray, call Malory.
405
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,348
Yes.
You're not gonna do that.
406
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,976
Wait, call who?
Malory. I bet she's downstairs.
407
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,978
She can call an elevator repair guy.
408
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,647
RAY: Oh, yeah. Shit. Hang on.
Yeah, hang on. Ray?
409
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,482
RAY: Hang on.
I'm saying "hang on."
410
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,360
RAY: Hang on. What are you, deaf?
What are you, color blind?
411
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:51,778
ALL:
Whoa!
412
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,448
Too soon.
Yeah, inappropes.
413
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:58,702
She said, flapping her wildly unkempt vagina
at her co-workers.
414
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,620
Oh, please, you've all seen it.
415
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,873
Wait-- Oh, my God, we actually have.
416
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,459
And yours.
What? Krieger hasn't.
417
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:08,003
Well, maybe not in person, but--
Uh-uh-uh!
418
00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:09,963
Stop talking.
419
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:13,049
Everybody, stop talking.
Trying to make a phone call.
420
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,885
ARCHER:
No, no, no.
421
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,053
[PHONE RINGING]
422
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,228
I'm not here.
423
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,399
ARCHER: Are you tired of constantly
getting stuck in elevators?
424
00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:34,446
Do you wish there was a way to not keep
constantly getting stuck in elevators?
425
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,157
Well, friend, wish and be tired no longer.
426
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,326
[ALL SCREAMING]
427
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,539
[WHISTLING NONCHALANTLY]
428
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:49,294
Oh, come on.
429
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,380
Typical.
430
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,888
[SCREAMING]
431
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,184
Hmm.
432
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,651
[SCREAMS]
433
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:17,781
What in the name of God
do you people think you're doing?
434
00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:18,990
Was, um--?
435
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,451
Was there not a staff meeting?
Well, there was.
436
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:26,414
I blocked out the entire morning for us all
to do a team-building exercise together.
437
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,042
Team building?
Again?
438
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:32,254
You got the elevator stuck on purpose.
439
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:33,588
Wait. What?
What?
440
00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:35,924
What? What are you talking about?
441
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,844
Trapping us in here like--
442
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,179
Piss-covered animals.
Ocelots.
443
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,932
This was the team-building exercise.
444
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,434
What are you--? No, it wasn't.
445
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:49,938
We were going to watch Vision Quest.
446
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,066
Huh.
34018
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