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1
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,100
(whistles)
2
00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:43,100
(people jeering)
3
00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:54,634
(honking)
4
00:00:56,934 --> 00:00:58,400
(horn blaring)
5
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:13,100
Mr. Ajax, that was a little
too close for comfort.
6
00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:14,367
Sorry, Captain.
7
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:17,234
I had to divert the power
from the main reactor
8
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:20,367
to heat up this Hungry Man
Romulan Salisbury steak dinner.
9
00:01:20,434 --> 00:01:22,334
I'd heard tales of Simulac 12's
10
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,968
resemblance
to 20th Century Earth,
11
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,501
but I had no idea what
a god-awful suckfest it was.
12
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:27,801
You think
the Federation would mind
13
00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:30,000
if we turned it into
an extra large asteroid belt?
14
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:32,400
(laughing)
15
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,767
You're unusually quiet,
Mr. Cornfed.
16
00:01:34,834 --> 00:01:36,634
Don't you have any of your
famous Vulvan observations
17
00:01:36,701 --> 00:01:37,767
to share with us?
18
00:01:37,834 --> 00:01:39,000
Just one--
19
00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:43,968
I suggest we stop buying
our transporters at Kmart.
20
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:46,667
DUCKMAN:
Space-- the final frontier.
21
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:47,868
WOMAN:
Duckman!
22
00:01:47,934 --> 00:01:49,467
These are the voyages...
23
00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:51,701
Duckman, I'm talking to you!
24
00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,601
of the Starship Enterprise.
Its five-year miss...
25
00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:54,834
(thud)
26
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,100
This is no time
for your freak outbeat poetry.
27
00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:00,467
We have an emergency!
28
00:02:00,534 --> 00:02:02,234
What's up,
Lieutenant Bern-Horror?
29
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:05,234
Bern-Hura!
30
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:06,567
I'm picking up a distress signal
31
00:02:06,634 --> 00:02:08,701
from a colony
on the far side of the quadrant.
32
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,501
They're running out of supplies.
33
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:11,934
They-they're dying!
34
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,834
Wish I could help,
but I've got a crisis of my own.
35
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,868
I just scarfed down
a handful of Klingon souvlaki
36
00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:17,701
and I got to run
to the little commander's room
37
00:02:17,767 --> 00:02:19,834
to give new meaning
to the term "Captain's log"
38
00:02:19,901 --> 00:02:21,100
if you catch my drift--
39
00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:23,267
and if you come too close,
you will.
40
00:02:23,334 --> 00:02:26,167
(chuckling):
Captain's log...
41
00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:27,734
Out of my way, Ironside.
42
00:02:27,801 --> 00:02:30,534
Will someone please take
Commander Pike-ma-ma
43
00:02:30,601 --> 00:02:31,901
back to her quarters
44
00:02:31,968 --> 00:02:34,200
for her hourly
intestinal decrusting?
45
00:02:34,267 --> 00:02:35,734
(buzzing)
46
00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:38,033
Oh, for crying out loud,
enough with the buzzer.
47
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:39,300
Message received.
48
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:40,567
Mr. Charls-kov,
49
00:02:40,634 --> 00:02:42,801
how long before we arrive
at the crybaby colony?
50
00:02:42,868 --> 00:02:44,033
At present speed,
51
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,701
five hours
and 11 minutes, Captain.
52
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,634
I just hope we can
reach them in time.
53
00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,534
They always exaggerate
these distress calls.
54
00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:54,400
You get there and the horrible
plague engulfing the planet
55
00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:56,167
turns out to be
eight guys with herpes.
56
00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:59,634
Hummina! Hummina! Ha-wa!
57
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,567
(static)
58
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:05,100
What I wouldn't give
to neutralize her shields,
59
00:03:05,167 --> 00:03:06,601
divert power
to my forward thrusters,
60
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:08,000
lock my sensors
on her coordinates,
61
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,334
and fire the ol' photon torpedo.
62
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,534
Who be she?
63
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,634
That's the leader
of the dying colony,
64
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:16,267
you turd-tufted
Trigonian tapeworm!
65
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,567
According to my scan
of the planet, Captain,
66
00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:20,267
it's populated entirely
67
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:24,033
by a couple thousand lonely,
horny triple "X" babes
68
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,467
who are h-o-t, hot.
69
00:03:25,534 --> 00:03:26,801
I see.
70
00:03:26,868 --> 00:03:28,501
Red alert! Red alert!
71
00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:30,501
Warp factor eleven-teen!
72
00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:34,400
Mr. Ajax,
give us everything you've got.
73
00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:36,868
There's no more power, Captain.
74
00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,901
Oop!
75
00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,601
Whee!
76
00:03:41,901 --> 00:03:43,033
By all that's holy,
77
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:45,300
I vow to do
everything in my power
78
00:03:45,367 --> 00:03:47,934
to save
those desperate young breasts...
79
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,434
I mean, inner thighs...
80
00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:50,434
I mean, women.
81
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,100
Ah, hell. Breasts and thighs.
82
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:53,267
To infinity and...
83
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,167
Different franchise, sir.
84
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,868
Damn your Vulvan logic.
85
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:04,467
Captain's log, (chuckles)Stardate 90210.
86
00:04:04,534 --> 00:04:05,767
After a light breakfast,
87
00:04:05,834 --> 00:04:08,334
we beamed downto the planet's surface.
88
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:13,300
For my landing party, I choseFirst Officer Mr. Cornfed,
89
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:17,701
Medical OfficerArt Bones McSalvo
90
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:19,300
and expendable crewmen,Fluffy and Uranus.
91
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:21,968
As purelyextraneous cast members,
92
00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:23,567
Fluffy and Uranus'ssole purpose
93
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,133
is to be killed upon arrival,
94
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,367
thus allowing the rest of us
95
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:29,200
to get on with the damn story.
96
00:04:29,267 --> 00:04:30,334
Ah, the hell with it.
97
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,667
(screaming)
98
00:04:33,434 --> 00:04:34,734
That's odd.
99
00:04:34,801 --> 00:04:37,634
While the leader claimed
to be running out of supplies,
100
00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:40,067
this planet is,
in reality, a cornucopia
101
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,934
of plant life
and vegetation.
102
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,234
WOMAN:
Perhaps it was
the only way to get you here.
103
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:49,567
I am Aurora,
Aurora Abramowitz.
104
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:51,300
(gasps)
105
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:53,300
Welcome
to the Pleasure Planet.
106
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:55,334
My people derive
great pleasure
107
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,400
performing acts which
give you great pleasure.
108
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:01,501
Simply ask for anything
of a pleasurable nature
109
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:03,000
and it's our pleasure.
110
00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:05,200
Kids, you can stuff
the prime directive
111
00:05:05,267 --> 00:05:06,767
where the solar system
don't shine.
112
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:08,300
We're talking orbital orgy!
113
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:09,567
Careful, Captain.
114
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,000
This may be a trap.
115
00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,667
Oh, of course-- a trap.
116
00:05:13,734 --> 00:05:17,067
That's what's happening here.
117
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:18,701
We're trapped.
118
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:22,734
A planet of
mouth-wateringly,
gorgeous horny women
119
00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:24,667
want us
to pleasure them
120
00:05:24,734 --> 00:05:27,734
in every bizarre,
self-indulgent manner
121
00:05:27,801 --> 00:05:29,067
we can think of
122
00:05:29,133 --> 00:05:30,400
and it's a trap.
123
00:05:30,467 --> 00:05:33,801
Why couldn't I see it?
124
00:05:33,868 --> 00:05:35,167
As you can see, Aurora,
125
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:36,801
my crew can use
a little R&R.
126
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,734
It's our pleasure.
127
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,934
Mmm.
128
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:46,200
Khan Chicken.
129
00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:50,434
Duckman.
130
00:05:50,501 --> 00:05:52,934
Does this mean the sex is off?
131
00:05:57,133 --> 00:06:01,400
So, Captain Eric
Tiberius Duckman,
132
00:06:01,467 --> 00:06:03,801
we meet again.
133
00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:06,701
Khan Chicken,
you magnificent space bastard,
134
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,901
you'll never get away with this.
135
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:13,033
"Th' unconquerable will
and study of revenge,
136
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:18,033
immortal hate, and courage
never to submit or yield."
137
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,801
Milton.
138
00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:20,868
Oh, yeah?
139
00:06:20,934 --> 00:06:22,801
There was a young lady
from rowjob...
140
00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:23,801
Silence!
141
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:24,901
Don't you see?
142
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,567
It had to come to this, Duckman.
143
00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:30,300
You and I represent
the polarity of existence.
144
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:33,367
You are light
and I am darkness.
145
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,534
You are life
and I am death.
146
00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:37,934
You are Hootie.
147
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,501
I, the Blowfish--
148
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,367
not the band,
but the poison ones
149
00:06:42,434 --> 00:06:43,601
you get in restaurants,
you know?
150
00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:44,868
Anywho...
151
00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:48,634
this universe ain't big enough
for both of us.
152
00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:51,167
So, I shall now annihilate you
153
00:06:51,234 --> 00:06:55,234
in the most brutal and
melodramatic way possible.
154
00:06:58,267 --> 00:07:01,400
The Ceti eel.
155
00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:03,000
(panicked moan)
156
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,334
(cracking)
157
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:08,167
It will bore into
your cerebral cortex
158
00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:13,667
inflicting an agony
both cruel and exquisite.
159
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:17,067
Feed, my pet.
160
00:07:27,267 --> 00:07:28,534
(popping)
161
00:07:28,601 --> 00:07:30,534
Hey, my sinuses feel great!
162
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:32,734
Do they sell these at Petco?
163
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:38,067
Next time, I employ a parasite
that lives off brains,
164
00:07:38,133 --> 00:07:41,901
I will use it
on someone who has one.
165
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:44,601
(imitating Schwarzenegger):
I'll be back.
166
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:46,267
Different franchise, sir.
167
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:47,367
I don't care.
168
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:48,868
I'm evil.
169
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:52,567
(evil laughter)
170
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,734
He's not really
a people person, is he?
171
00:07:57,801 --> 00:08:00,501
We got to escape
before el pollo loco gets back.
172
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,133
It's time to haul out
the famous Duckman charm.
173
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,234
Oh, goils.
174
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:07,234
(delighted screaming)
175
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,300
Can I score
the space hubba jubba, or what?
176
00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:10,567
And I'm preshackled.
177
00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:13,100
Most illogical.
178
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,701
Uh, this time,
I got to go with you.
179
00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,267
(smooching)
180
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,701
No, not the
Vulvan nerve pinch.
181
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:26,400
I know a variation of that,
182
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:28,801
except it only works
on the prostate.
183
00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:30,267
Damn it!
184
00:08:30,334 --> 00:08:33,634
Why hasn't the Enterprise
sent a search party?
185
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:36,334
Who the hell is in charge
up there?
186
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:40,601
(doltish laughing)
187
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:44,300
Is it possible for us
to pop a wheelie?
188
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:47,133
Logic dictates
that if we head to the surface,
189
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,267
the ship's scanners
can locate us.
190
00:08:49,334 --> 00:08:50,267
Screw logic.
191
00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:51,968
My very human intuition
tells me
192
00:08:52,033 --> 00:08:53,467
we're sure to find daylight
193
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,000
by going into this ominous
pitch-black cavern.
194
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,434
Uh, Houston? We got a problem.
195
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:01,534
Different franchi...
196
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:02,567
Shut up!
197
00:09:02,634 --> 00:09:05,701
Damn it, Eric,
what is it?
198
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,467
(both gasping)
199
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:12,234
BOTH:
Khan Chicken created
a duplicate Duckman.
200
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,400
A fascinating dilemma.
201
00:09:14,467 --> 00:09:16,734
Which is the real Duckman?
202
00:09:16,801 --> 00:09:18,234
What are you rubes
waiting for?
203
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,734
I'm 100% pure virgin Duckman.
204
00:09:19,801 --> 00:09:21,200
As your commanding officer--
205
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:23,133
and for purposes
of Emmy consideration
206
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,367
lead actor in a prime-time
animated series, thank you--
207
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:28,300
I order you to blow Bozo the
Clone here to kingdom crumbs,
208
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,801
then start blasting the hell
out of everyone else you can.
209
00:09:30,868 --> 00:09:32,400
I want killing, and lots of it
210
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,434
and if either one of you tries
to wussy out, kill him, too.
211
00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:36,801
No. I am the real Duckman,
212
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,968
but I insist you not
shoot the impostor.
213
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,734
He's still one
of God's creatures
214
00:09:40,801 --> 00:09:43,434
and we must treat him
with respect, considerat...
215
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:44,634
(death ray zapping)
216
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:46,567
Good call.
217
00:09:46,634 --> 00:09:47,767
Gee, thanks.
218
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:51,801
Your validation means,
oh, so much to me.
219
00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:53,934
DUCKMAN:
Is he dead.
220
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,934
Damn it, Jim,
I'm a doctor, not a rodeo clown.
221
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,100
Well, I'm not a rodeo clown.
222
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:04,300
Who's Jim?
223
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:06,501
Fine! Have
it your way!
224
00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:10,501
I'm a rodeo clown
and you're not Jim.
225
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:13,400
That is most ill...
226
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:14,467
(spitting)
227
00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:16,334
Okay, fun stuff,
but where were we?
228
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,901
Oh, yeah, running like hell.
229
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:26,601
Set your butts on hustle,
space cadets.
230
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:28,901
I got me an appointment
with a 40 of Romulan malt
231
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:30,434
and a diaper full of tribbles.
232
00:10:30,501 --> 00:10:34,767
KHAN:
The only appointment you
have, Captain Duckman,
233
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,834
is with death.
234
00:10:36,901 --> 00:10:40,767
I considered many cool ways
to destroy you--
235
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:43,434
weird plastic things
that stick to your back,
236
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:45,300
giant flesh-eating clouds,
237
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:48,267
even a big molecular
destruction chamber
238
00:10:48,334 --> 00:10:51,734
that I'm having custom-made
at a place in Van Nuys--
239
00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:53,367
but then, sometimes
240
00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:56,534
you want something
simple and brutal--
241
00:10:56,601 --> 00:10:59,501
death by phaser.
242
00:11:02,601 --> 00:11:05,133
Your phaser.
243
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:11,234
Good-bye forever, Duckman.
244
00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:14,033
(frightened moaning)
245
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,300
(beeping)
246
00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:18,300
That is most...
247
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,300
Uh, weirdo.
248
00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:22,801
We got to get
out of here...
249
00:11:22,868 --> 00:11:24,133
but how?
250
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,767
Captain Duckman.
251
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:27,100
Paging Captain Duckman.
252
00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,734
White courtesy insignia.
253
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:31,100
Three to beam up.
254
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:37,534
Okay, any mail for me
while I was out?
255
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:40,701
Sir, we found
an alien stowaway.
256
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:41,901
It has no money,
257
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:44,567
but it can work off
its passage as a tailor.
258
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:45,567
Make it so.
259
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:46,934
Captain's log...
260
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,267
(laughing)
261
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:49,601
Captain's log...
262
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,601
(thunderous rumbling)
263
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,033
Red alert!
264
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:56,367
In the words of the Russian
playwright, Sean O'Casey,
265
00:11:56,434 --> 00:11:57,367
"We've been hit."
266
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:01,968
It's Khan's chicken-of-prey.
267
00:12:02,033 --> 00:12:03,501
Fascinating.
268
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:06,400
Apparently, Khan has developed
some sort of cloaking device
269
00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:08,467
which allowed him
to follow us undetected.
270
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:09,467
Mr. Sulu...
271
00:12:09,534 --> 00:12:10,467
Mambo.
Whatever.
272
00:12:10,534 --> 00:12:11,601
It's show time.
273
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:12,901
Aye-aye,
Captain.
274
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,100
My lord, we've been hit.
275
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,100
Duh.
276
00:12:22,167 --> 00:12:25,734
Maureen, release the Khan bomb.
277
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:31,434
(screaming)
278
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,767
(grunts)
279
00:12:32,834 --> 00:12:34,200
Cornfed.
280
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,267
Needs of the few
outweigh the needs of the...
281
00:12:42,334 --> 00:12:43,601
Wait, no.
282
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:45,067
Needs of the many
283
00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:48,033
can often be
as important as, uh...
284
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,767
Blah-blah-blah,
get me a soda...
285
00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:52,067
Yes, sir.
286
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:54,467
And some of that great
filet of sole you make, too.
287
00:12:54,534 --> 00:12:56,267
Of all the soles
I've ever tasted,
288
00:12:56,334 --> 00:12:58,767
his had the most...
cumin.
289
00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:00,567
The rest of you hypochondriacs
290
00:13:00,634 --> 00:13:02,834
cauterize your wounds
on your own time.
291
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,467
Right now, I want fireworks.
292
00:13:25,434 --> 00:13:27,501
Wait. I've got an idea.
293
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:29,801
Engage self-destruct mode.
294
00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:31,334
And?
295
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,300
And I'll be in the shuttlecraft,
getting the hell out of here.
296
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:35,334
I understand there's a Hooters
on Rigel 12.
297
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,634
Don't you have any plans
298
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:39,033
that won't cost the lives
of your entire crew?
299
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,601
Unbelievable.
300
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:42,968
Okay.
301
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:44,801
Open hailing frequency
with Khan.
302
00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,467
I'll pretend I'm surrendering
303
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,334
and as soon as his guard
is down,
304
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,767
we'll turn him
into intergalactic roadkill.
305
00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:52,968
Yes, this is ingenious,
brilliant, foolproof.
306
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,200
You're on.
307
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,467
DUCKMAN AND KHAN:
Oh, you are too powerful for me.
308
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:57,467
I surren...
309
00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:59,400
(both yelling angrily)
310
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:02,000
"We shall go on to the end.
311
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:05,100
We shall never surrender."
312
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:06,534
Churchill.
313
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:07,667
"Neener-neener-neener.
314
00:14:07,734 --> 00:14:09,467
I'm a stud
and you're the wiener."
315
00:14:09,534 --> 00:14:10,467
Duckman.
316
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:13,133
Oh, yeah?
317
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:13,968
Yeah.
318
00:14:14,033 --> 00:14:16,634
Oh, yeah?
319
00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:17,367
Yeah.
320
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:19,033
KHAN:
Oh, yeah?
321
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,667
DUCKMAN:
Yeah.
322
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,267
Oh, yeah?
323
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:24,267
Yeah.
324
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:25,667
(laser zapping)
325
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:28,834
Duckman is... gone.
326
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:31,200
Oh, so is Khan Chicken.
327
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:35,133
ALL:
Yay!
328
00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:44,300
(low rumbling)
329
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:47,501
(booming)
330
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:51,834
What kind of Federation
chicanery is this?
331
00:14:51,901 --> 00:14:53,701
Yeah! What kind
of Federation chica...
332
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,467
Hey, wait,
I'm with the Federation.
333
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:56,667
(chuckles)
334
00:14:56,734 --> 00:14:59,234
I always get them confused
with the Kiwanis.
335
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,300
Oh, no!
Wha...!
336
00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:05,667
I...
337
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:06,767
am...
338
00:15:06,834 --> 00:15:09,734
Kardassian.
339
00:15:09,801 --> 00:15:11,267
Dwaah!
340
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:14,200
Hey, get your own wacky scream.
341
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:15,834
Greetings, your
skunk-headedness.
342
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:18,167
I am Duckman of the Big
Federation of Planets.
343
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,400
My mission is peaceful.
344
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:21,300
So, how's about you
return us to our ship,
345
00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,400
so we can continue
our futuristic fly-bys?
346
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:24,734
I think not.
347
00:15:24,801 --> 00:15:28,200
For decades, my people
have observed you primitives,
348
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:32,200
battling each other across
the vast expanse of the galaxy
349
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:34,334
and, frankly,
we're sick of it.
350
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,634
Plus, I got Khan
at 20 to one,
351
00:15:36,701 --> 00:15:38,501
so I stand to make a mint.
352
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:39,634
Are you saying
353
00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:42,434
you want us to engage
in fisticuffs
354
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:45,000
like common barroom barbarians?
355
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:45,667
Correct.
356
00:15:45,734 --> 00:15:47,033
Okeydokey.
357
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,200
Ooh!
358
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:50,801
Direct hit to the old
dilithium crystals.
359
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:53,000
(laughing)
360
00:15:56,234 --> 00:15:57,667
okay, in this sort of situation,
361
00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:00,467
I usually opt for a thumb
wrestle to the death.
362
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,400
Or not.
363
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:03,501
Ooh!
364
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,033
(growling)
365
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,334
Come on...
366
00:16:23,968 --> 00:16:25,267
Very well, Khan...
367
00:16:25,334 --> 00:16:28,033
you force me to resort
to an ancient technique--
368
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,567
the wedgie!
369
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:32,934
Now, while you're busy pulling
your Underoos out of your colon,
370
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,801
I'll be doing what I do best--
running like a woman.
371
00:16:35,868 --> 00:16:37,634
(panting)
372
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,567
Duckman to Enterprise.
373
00:16:40,634 --> 00:16:42,033
Olly-olly-oxen-free!
374
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,000
What's the frequency, Kenneth?
375
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:45,400
Me llamo es Duckman!
376
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,067
Surrender now, Captain,
377
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:53,601
and I promise your death
will be swift and painless.
378
00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:54,434
Really?
379
00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:55,934
No. I'll probably
380
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,767
torture you for years,
381
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,601
then skin you alive.
382
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:01,767
He's cruel, but honest.
383
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:04,000
(yells)
384
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,267
I am one dead Duckman.
385
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:06,267
(chuckling)
386
00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:07,367
"Dead Duckman"...
387
00:17:07,434 --> 00:17:08,934
Even running for my life,
388
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,300
I'm incredibly funny.
389
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,067
There's... no way I could...
390
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,100
beat King Khan
391
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,834
without some sort of... weapon.
392
00:17:16,901 --> 00:17:18,133
(sniffing)
393
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:22,100
Sulfur... I can use sulfur
to make an explosive.
394
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,634
But... what else?
395
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:26,300
Must think... back to
high school chemistry class.
396
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:28,067
Aw, hell,
the only thing I remember
397
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:29,400
is Marguerite Moretti's
tube tops.
398
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:31,300
Still, if I mix up
a bunch of chemicals,
399
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:32,334
something's bound to happen.
400
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:36,801
Let's see.
401
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:38,200
Some common quartz...
402
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,601
powdered manganese...
403
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,300
a little crushed basil...
404
00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:42,367
one whole egg...
405
00:17:42,434 --> 00:17:44,267
half a cup of baking soda...
406
00:17:44,334 --> 00:17:45,400
some K-Y jelly...
407
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:47,367
and a quart of brake fluid...
408
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:48,734
shake, don't stir...
409
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,968
So, Duckman...
410
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:56,200
how sweet it will be to end
this centuries-old conflict.
411
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,501
Oh, Khan Chicken,
412
00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:01,267
say... "ah".
413
00:18:01,334 --> 00:18:02,200
Ah.
414
00:18:04,534 --> 00:18:05,567
(whimpers)
415
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:06,834
I'm sorry...
416
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:09,234
Why did you want me
to say "ah"?
417
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:10,534
It's no use, Khan.
418
00:18:10,601 --> 00:18:11,501
I give up.
419
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,133
Put me out of my misery.
420
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,567
Wait! That smell!
421
00:18:15,634 --> 00:18:16,767
Sulfur!
422
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,601
(sneezing)
423
00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:21,634
How did you know I had a rare,
424
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,434
incredibly-contrived allergy
to sulfur?
425
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:25,934
(groaning)
426
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,767
Now my angina's kicking in.
427
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:30,467
(retching)
428
00:18:30,534 --> 00:18:33,601
(groaning)
429
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:36,100
Congratulations, Captain.
430
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:39,968
Quickly now, kill your enemy.
431
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:52,767
I won't kill him!
432
00:18:52,834 --> 00:18:54,667
Yes-- he is evil
and I am good,
433
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,334
but... goodness calls
for something we...
434
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,133
primitive humans
are quite familiar with--
435
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,133
compassion.
436
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,300
The compassion
to spare his life,
437
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:06,234
because it is the just thing,
the good thing,
438
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,767
the human thing to do.
439
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:11,400
If... you... truly respected
the... sanctity of life,
440
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:14,367
then you... wouldn't...
watch us... fight.
441
00:19:14,434 --> 00:19:16,701
You would...
get your rocks off...
442
00:19:16,767 --> 00:19:20,234
at Danish donkey shows
like we normal people... do.
443
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:21,434
Get up, Khan.
444
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:23,400
I've emasculated you enough
for one day.
445
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:25,534
Let's show them
we can stand side by side.
446
00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:27,033
There. You see,
Kardassian?
447
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,100
Compassion, forgiveness,
generosity...
448
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,601
these are the things
that make humans unique
449
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:32,968
throughout the universe.
450
00:19:33,033 --> 00:19:34,267
Also cosmetic surgery.
451
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:35,601
Enough.
452
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:38,868
To our surprise, you have
demonstrated the capacity
453
00:19:38,934 --> 00:19:41,167
to rise above
your petty differences
454
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:43,133
and unite against a common foe,
455
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,601
proving that your race
456
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:46,901
is the most dangerous
in the galaxy.
457
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:49,167
Therefore,
Earth must be destroyed.
458
00:19:51,968 --> 00:19:53,701
(explosion)
459
00:19:55,334 --> 00:19:57,667
Damn. And I just
weather-stripped the patio.
460
00:19:57,734 --> 00:20:00,234
Duckman, the Earth
is no more.
461
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,167
All right, let's not get
all weepy about this.
462
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:03,167
The important thing
463
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:04,834
is to make sure
our stories agree
464
00:20:04,901 --> 00:20:06,634
when we get back
to Federation space,
465
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:08,467
because they are going
to be pissed.
466
00:20:08,534 --> 00:20:10,667
But if you cover my butt,
I'll cover yours.
467
00:20:10,734 --> 00:20:11,667
All right, Duckman.
468
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:12,901
Whatever you say.
469
00:20:12,968 --> 00:20:14,868
You know, Kahn,
if I learned anything
470
00:20:14,934 --> 00:20:17,133
from this little charade,
it's that you may be evil
471
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,467
and I, merely sleazy,
but we have a lot in common.
472
00:20:19,534 --> 00:20:21,667
We both really hate
getting killed.
473
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:23,801
More than that,
Duckman.
474
00:20:23,868 --> 00:20:25,667
You and I both care.
475
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:27,334
Yes. We do.
476
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,834
We're passionate people.
477
00:20:29,901 --> 00:20:32,167
Yes. We are.
478
00:20:32,234 --> 00:20:34,167
I've always wanted you.
479
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,334
I know.
480
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,467
(smooching)
481
00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:40,667
No!
482
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,167
Oh, man...
483
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:46,367
That's the last time
484
00:20:46,434 --> 00:20:49,167
I have a head cheese hoagie
before bedtime.
485
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:42,601
KHAN:
Oh, yeah?
486
00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:43,634
DUCKMAN:
Yeah!
32996
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