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1
00:00:08,901 --> 00:00:10,167
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:12,234 --> 00:00:13,901
Where should I begin?
3
00:00:13,934 --> 00:00:16,033
JACOBS: Perhaps you could
tell me why you're here.
4
00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:18,300
Because of someone
named Duckman.
5
00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:20,033
Duckman.
Ah, yes.
6
00:00:20,067 --> 00:00:21,367
You know him?
7
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:22,701
About half
my practice
8
00:00:22,734 --> 00:00:25,534
is people who came into
contact with Duckman.
9
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:26,868
He's my partner.
10
00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:28,467
Oh, my God.
11
00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,267
I'll give you
an extra hour.
12
00:00:30,300 --> 00:00:31,901
It all started last week.
13
00:00:31,934 --> 00:00:33,400
I remember everything as clearly
14
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:34,934
as if it were going
to be reenacted
15
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,667
right before our eyes.
16
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,701
(teeth chattering)
17
00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:42,033
Aah! There it is!
18
00:00:42,067 --> 00:00:43,801
There's the ghost,
staring at me
19
00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,467
from inside
the picture frame!
20
00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:48,000
It's nothing but pure evil,
glaring with hate
21
00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:50,701
in its horrible, disgusting,
twisted, ugly face!
22
00:00:50,734 --> 00:00:53,567
Duckman, that's my reflection
in the mirror.
23
00:00:53,601 --> 00:00:56,300
Oh. Hmm. By the way, Corny,
24
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:57,634
on a completely
different subject,
25
00:00:57,667 --> 00:00:59,434
you ever considered a snout job?
26
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:01,200
Duckman, we've been
sitting here for hours,
27
00:01:01,234 --> 00:01:02,734
and no ghost has appeared.
28
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:04,801
I tell you, someone's been
haunting me all week.
29
00:01:04,834 --> 00:01:06,501
Actually, once when
I was working late,
30
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,300
I saw a spectral vision, and...
31
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:09,367
Sorry, I don't follow you.
32
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,033
A spectral vision is...
33
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:12,300
No. "Working late."
34
00:01:12,334 --> 00:01:14,534
It's not another
masturbation reference, is it?
35
00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:15,801
The censor's getting pissed.
36
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,400
My encounter with the undead
37
00:01:17,434 --> 00:01:19,634
was an experience
so profound and moving that...
38
00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:20,834
Hold that thought.
39
00:01:20,868 --> 00:01:22,000
It's crapper time.
40
00:01:26,133 --> 00:01:28,067
(three deep, echoing thuds)
41
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:30,067
Hold your horses, excretion-boy.
42
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:31,634
I got pimples to squeeze.
43
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:35,400
GHOSTLY VOICE:
Duckman!
44
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:36,567
All right, all right.
45
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:41,267
Dwaah!
46
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:42,834
Boo already.
47
00:01:42,868 --> 00:01:44,200
Uncle Mo!
48
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:46,601
You were expecting
Patrick Swayze?
49
00:01:46,634 --> 00:01:49,167
Mo Dorkin, the obnoxious uncle
who I tried to kick out
50
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,901
of the house when he was dying
of heart cancer?
51
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:52,667
Frankly, I'd forgotten
most of the episode
52
00:01:52,701 --> 00:01:54,300
though now you
brought it back
53
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:56,968
with that incredibly
subtle piece of exposition.
54
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,100
Now, listen up.
55
00:01:58,133 --> 00:02:00,067
I have a message
from your father.
56
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,934
He said to say hi,
how you doing,
57
00:02:01,968 --> 00:02:03,100
he just got killed.
58
00:02:03,133 --> 00:02:04,901
What? I can't believe it!
59
00:02:04,934 --> 00:02:06,834
Have I ever lied to you
since dying?
60
00:02:06,868 --> 00:02:07,968
Plus, he said to say
61
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,234
some character
named King Chicken did it.
62
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:12,033
King Chicken
murdered my father?!
63
00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:14,901
Yes, murdered, and if you got
any tamales at all,
64
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,133
you'll bop him back.
65
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:17,133
Okay, see you.
66
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:18,868
As always, it's been a pain.
67
00:02:18,901 --> 00:02:20,067
Ow!
68
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,067
Stupid corporeal world!
69
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,400
(wind howling sinisterly)
70
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,000
I can't believe it.
71
00:02:28,033 --> 00:02:29,934
Gone. Gone forever.
72
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:33,067
Duckman, are you familiar
with the term "anal retentive"?
73
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,734
Not that-- my father!
74
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:36,367
The ghost said
King Chicken murdered him.
75
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,968
How could King Chicken do that?
76
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,467
I mean, aside from trying
to wipe each other
77
00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:40,667
off the face of the earth
78
00:02:40,701 --> 00:02:41,968
we've gotten along fine.
79
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,200
I even called a truce
80
00:02:43,234 --> 00:02:44,534
so we could slobber
around Bernice
81
00:02:44,567 --> 00:02:46,000
the last few weeks.
Now I got to kill him.
82
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,601
I know.
I'll pretend to be insane.
83
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:51,634
Your plan to avenge your
father's murder is to act crazy,
84
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:54,200
thus convincing the murderer
to admit his guilt
85
00:02:54,234 --> 00:02:55,434
so you can murder him?
86
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,501
Brilliant, isn't it?
87
00:02:56,534 --> 00:02:58,667
Brilliant doesn't begin
to describe it.
88
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,601
Nicely put. Now go home
and don't come back
89
00:03:00,634 --> 00:03:02,067
till the plot
needs explaining again.
90
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,534
Yes, sir.
91
00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:07,000
(guttural clucking)
92
00:03:07,033 --> 00:03:10,100
Congresswoman Bernice,
tell me again
93
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:13,868
what it's like working
under Dick Gephardt.
94
00:03:13,901 --> 00:03:15,734
Oh, Kingy!
95
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:17,000
(coy giggles)
96
00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:19,934
Are you sure
you're not married anymore?
97
00:03:19,968 --> 00:03:22,267
Bernice, I thought
I explained.
98
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:23,767
My wife, honey...
99
00:03:23,801 --> 00:03:24,767
(sniffles)
100
00:03:24,801 --> 00:03:26,267
died again.
101
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:29,267
I thought I saw her
come out of the house yesterday.
102
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,334
Ah. Well, you see,
she died after being struck
103
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,834
by a very rare
kind of lightning bolt
104
00:03:34,868 --> 00:03:39,000
which has the documented medical
effect of causing the victim
105
00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:42,801
to occasionally "seem"
as if she's come back to life
106
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:44,234
but not really.
107
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,367
That's so sad.
108
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,701
(fake sob)
109
00:03:47,734 --> 00:03:50,300
Make it better, Bernie.
110
00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:51,667
Oh...
111
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:54,000
(Bernice screams)
112
00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:56,968
Oh, I believe
I've found the B-spot!
113
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,234
No, look, it's Duckman,
and he's...
114
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:00,734
Oh, God, it's horrible!
115
00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:02,000
I can't watch.
116
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,133
He's reading a book!
117
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:07,400
Yes, it turns out these
are fascinating devices.
118
00:04:07,434 --> 00:04:10,534
Without a modem, you can
instantly access information
119
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:13,033
merely by turning
these ultra-thin pages.
120
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,367
What, are you nuts?!
121
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,767
As a matter of fact,
122
00:04:15,801 --> 00:04:17,834
yes!I've gone Loony Tunes--
123
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:20,234
a registered trademark of the
Warner Brothers Corporation--
124
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:22,267
so Cluckface here can talk
about anything evil he's done
125
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:23,634
and not worry about me.
126
00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:27,167
Duckman, old bean,
I have changed.
127
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,501
Tyrannizing the world
128
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:32,067
and being the embodiment
of pure evil is for the young.
129
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:35,133
That's why I've gotten
into a new line--
130
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:36,701
making toys for children
131
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:39,501
whose parents don't have
the time or energy
132
00:04:39,534 --> 00:04:41,234
to actually deal with them
133
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:44,501
and are desperately hoping
a new electronic geegaw
134
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:48,300
will keep the little bastards
off drugs for another month.
135
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:49,734
What a marvelous idea.
136
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,734
Bernicious, isn't that
simply a marvelous idea?
137
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:54,634
Yeah. That was
a close one.
138
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:55,801
I hate those, uh...
139
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:58,667
invisible... vampire
telephone repairmen
140
00:04:58,701 --> 00:04:59,667
from Mars.
141
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:01,267
Ye-e-e-yeah.
142
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,033
Duckman, perhaps
this is a good time
143
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,534
to tell you some
wonderful news.
144
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,133
Given that my wife
is more or less--
145
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:12,467
but definitely
more than less-- dead,
146
00:05:12,501 --> 00:05:15,267
your sister-in-law
and I are contemplating
147
00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:18,734
something all
couples dream of.
148
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:20,033
Doing it
in the clothes hamper?
149
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:23,000
Marriage,
you vomit-colored vermin!
150
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:24,634
Just think, Duckman--
151
00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:30,467
that will make you
my brother-in-law once removed.
152
00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:32,968
Well, that's marvelous
news, Bernostomy.
153
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,334
Now you'll
get to spend
154
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,734
the rest of your life
watching
155
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,501
while one of you
gets so monstrously fat,
156
00:05:37,534 --> 00:05:38,834
and the other
so hideously thin
157
00:05:38,868 --> 00:05:40,334
that together,
you'll look like the number ten
158
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,167
before you start to sag
and crack and fall apart
159
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,901
and lose your hair, teeth,
hearing, eyesight
160
00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:46,534
and control of your bowels.
161
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:48,534
Will you find a landing field?!
162
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:49,701
(grunts)
163
00:05:49,734 --> 00:05:50,834
(grunts)
164
00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:54,634
(grunting)
165
00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,968
Hmm. Duckman is acting
even stupider than usual.
166
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,934
Yes. He'll never discover
my dread secret.
167
00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:07,267
What secret
is that, Kingy?
168
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,968
Oh. For a moment,
I forgot you existed.
169
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,734
Um, my secret fear that
he's plotting against me.
170
00:06:13,767 --> 00:06:16,901
Oh, if only there were people
who could find out.
171
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:20,300
People even stupider
than Duckman.
172
00:06:20,334 --> 00:06:22,200
(doorbell chiming)
173
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,467
We're sorry
174
00:06:24,501 --> 00:06:26,968
to burst in
inappropriately...
175
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,234
But Mr. Duckman left
a light on in the office.
176
00:06:30,267 --> 00:06:32,334
Yes. Your beloved chieftain
177
00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:36,133
has been acting
in an eccentric fashion of late.
178
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:39,300
In fact, I'd consider it
a great personal favor
179
00:06:39,334 --> 00:06:42,434
if you would try
to surreptitiously determine
180
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:47,501
if he is genuinely demented
or just stupid.
181
00:06:47,534 --> 00:06:50,434
Well, as long as it's
for his own good.
182
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:52,467
Oh, it is, on my...
183
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,100
Oh, what's the word?
184
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:55,200
Honor?
Honor?
185
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:57,901
I will be, as soon as you leave.
186
00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,634
(clucking)
187
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:01,367
(laughing)
(laughing)
188
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:05,601
I could kill him now
while he's got
189
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,501
his hand
in Bernice's...
190
00:07:07,534 --> 00:07:08,567
Dwaah!
191
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:10,601
Hello, Mr. Duckman.
Hello, Mr. Duckman.
192
00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:12,734
Mr. Chicken asked us
to ask you
193
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:15,601
if you were really crazy
or just faking.
194
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:17,601
But he wants us
to ask in a way
195
00:07:17,634 --> 00:07:19,801
so you don't know
what we're doing
196
00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:22,267
or that he asked
us to do it.
197
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:25,067
Can we rephrase that?
Can we rephrase that?
198
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:26,200
No need.
199
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:28,434
After all,
would a crazy man do this?
200
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,267
(Fluffy and Uranus scream)
201
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,634
Ahh! You're killing
those little bears!
202
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,968
Oh, no. It's
Fluffy and Uranus.
203
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,133
They love it.
204
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:38,467
(Fluffy and Uranus screaming)
205
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:39,834
But there are people
206
00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:40,968
who are cruel.
207
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,400
People who kill
people's fathers--
208
00:07:42,434 --> 00:07:44,434
which I am against--
(mixer whirring)
209
00:07:44,467 --> 00:07:46,567
and then have sex with
their sister-in-law
210
00:07:46,601 --> 00:07:48,334
which I'd kind of admire
211
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,334
if it didn't
involve Bernice.
212
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:51,834
(quavering screams)
213
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,501
What a piece
of crap is man.
214
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:54,834
Just thinking
about him
215
00:07:54,868 --> 00:07:56,467
makes you want to
puke your guts out.
216
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,534
(sniffing)
217
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:03,400
I'm getting
out of here.
218
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:04,901
You're crazy!
219
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:06,734
That's right!
220
00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:07,901
Tell your friends!
221
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:10,167
Everything's going
according to plan.
222
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,567
Wait a minute. What plan?
223
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:12,801
What the hell am I doing?
224
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,767
For once in my life,
I'm slightly confused.
225
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,067
Corny!
226
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,133
Hello, Duckman.
227
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:20,133
Perhaps I can help.
Think about it:
228
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,534
A ghost says your father
was killed by a king
229
00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:24,033
who's in love with
a woman close to you
230
00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:25,033
so you feign insanity
231
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:26,667
to get him
to admit his guilt.
232
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:28,467
Does that remind
you of anything?
233
00:08:28,501 --> 00:08:31,200
Yes. It seems awfully similar
to what I've been doing
234
00:08:31,234 --> 00:08:32,534
for the last three hours!
235
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,534
(sighs)
236
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:34,968
Hey, you really here?
237
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,000
Yes. That's a little invention
I'm working on--
238
00:08:37,033 --> 00:08:38,501
the Personal Digital Bubble.
239
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:40,501
It appears to have
no practical application
240
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:42,300
other than impressing chicks.
241
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:46,100
Returning to my point,
the story I recounted
242
00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:47,901
is from a play
by William Shakespeare.
243
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:50,567
Duckman, there is no explanation
for what I'm about to say,
244
00:08:50,601 --> 00:08:53,968
but you appear to be trapped
inside the plot of Hamlet.
245
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,434
Listen, Cornstuffing, this isn't
some off-Broadway flopola
246
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:58,434
by a limey loser
who never sold a screenplay.
247
00:08:58,467 --> 00:09:00,767
This is real life,
in an animated sort of way.
248
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,868
I gotta think. Hand me
those photos, would you?
249
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:05,133
The ones from
the Scandinavian
Porno Palace?
250
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,100
Yeah, the prints of Denmark.
251
00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:11,734
So, what did this hambone
do next?
252
00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,467
He wrote a play
to trick the king
253
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:14,801
into admitting
his guilt.
254
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:17,067
That's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
255
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,234
Wait. No, I think
I'll do the same thing.
256
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:25,100
Cornfed?
257
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:26,868
Yes?
Why did you stop?
258
00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:28,367
You were telling
the story of how
259
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,200
Duckman's life
inadvertently
mimicked Hamlet's,
260
00:09:30,234 --> 00:09:33,534
and you just stopped
and said nothing for
exactly two minutes.
261
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:35,701
Why?
262
00:09:35,734 --> 00:09:37,767
Uh... no reason.
263
00:09:37,801 --> 00:09:40,033
So, two minutes later,
I had gone home
264
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:41,367
to rest for my next appearance
265
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,000
when Duckman was surprised
266
00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:45,100
by yetanother horrifying vision.
267
00:09:45,133 --> 00:09:46,400
Dwaah!
268
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,467
I pray you're only
homicidal maniacs
269
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:51,901
come to butcher me and my family
270
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:54,133
and not my boys
dressed up like clowns.
271
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:55,868
Hi, Dad.
272
00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,000
No.
273
00:09:57,033 --> 00:09:58,267
We're rehearsing
274
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,334
for our tribute
to the school clown
275
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,667
who recently passed away.
276
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,367
Yelnick? Yelnick honked?
277
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,634
I can't believe it.
I had him booked between halves
278
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:07,734
at the Steak 'N Slosh Creamed
Corn Wrestle-Fest next week.
279
00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:09,901
Hey, what's that?
280
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:12,701
Nothing. Certainly
not the clown's skull
281
00:10:12,734 --> 00:10:14,167
dug up and laminated
282
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,501
in a desperate attempt
to avoid flunking art class.
283
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,667
Cool.
284
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:21,000
Look at that--
even the plaque is wacky.
285
00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:22,634
Poor Yelnick.
I knew him well.
286
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:25,801
What a moron. Where's your
fake vomit now, funnyman?
287
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,334
One minute,
you're on top of the world
288
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:28,968
making 15 bucks a pop
at birthday parties
289
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,968
sticking rubber snakes
down little girls' underwear...
290
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,167
the next,
you're munching a worm sandwich
291
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,801
while frat boys
tip sleeping cows on your grave.
292
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:38,634
What the hell
am I talking about?
293
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,767
Dad, perhaps
you'd like to be alone
294
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:43,834
with your rapidly
deteriorating mental condition.
295
00:10:43,868 --> 00:10:46,200
No. In fact, I just
spent two minutes
writing a play,
296
00:10:46,234 --> 00:10:48,067
which you guys
can help me perform
for King Chicken.
297
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,300
Any questions?
298
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:51,901
Yes. When's the English
translation come out?
299
00:10:51,934 --> 00:10:53,400
Ho-ho, it is to laugh.
300
00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:55,100
Now, a couple of tips on acting.
301
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:56,801
First, the saliva question.
302
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,000
Yes, it's in there
and yes, it's gonna come out.
303
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,100
Try to spit
away from the women.
304
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:02,267
Got that from Pacino.
305
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:03,767
Second, if you
hit a rough spot,
306
00:11:03,801 --> 00:11:05,501
yank out your doodle
and spin it around.
307
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,167
Tends to distract
the critics.
308
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,567
The only part of me
that feels uplifted
is my stomach.
309
00:11:10,601 --> 00:11:12,133
(giggling)
310
00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:14,801
Duckman! Kids!
311
00:11:14,834 --> 00:11:19,667
I was just helping Kingy
with some... grooming.
312
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:23,767
Yes. This hair is
a constant struggle.
313
00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:25,734
Well, if you're done
getting plucked,
314
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,901
I have something
surprising to tell you.
315
00:11:27,934 --> 00:11:30,033
If it has to do with
those missing cheerleaders,
316
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,400
we're way ahead of you.
317
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:34,067
I, Duckman, have written a play.
318
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,767
Kill me. Kill me now.
319
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:37,501
Can it wait till
after the show?
320
00:11:37,534 --> 00:11:40,033
And you might pay
special attention
to the plot,
321
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,167
which may remind you
322
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,434
of a real-life situation--
323
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:44,334
one you're personally
familiar with--
324
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:47,234
a story very much like
you yourselves may have lived...
325
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,033
something almost
exactly the same...
326
00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,534
Will you get on with it?!
327
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:53,367
Ladies and gentlemen,
328
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,300
the Mercury Theater
of the Living Room presents
329
00:11:56,334 --> 00:11:59,400
Ching Kichenand the Big Fat Slut
330
00:11:59,434 --> 00:12:00,868
by Duckman.
331
00:12:04,634 --> 00:12:06,167
Ajax, where's
your costume?
332
00:12:08,567 --> 00:12:10,534
Okay. Remember,
the key to this play
333
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:12,334
is to be subtle.
334
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,868
I am Ching Kichen
and I am an evil killing machine
335
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:21,367
and I'll evilly kill anyone
who says I'm not.
336
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,534
Oh, Kingy!
337
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:24,868
You are the handsomest
evil killing machine
338
00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:26,868
I have ever met.
339
00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:28,067
Bernoose!
340
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,234
I can't wait
341
00:12:29,267 --> 00:12:31,601
to throw my minimal charms
at your groin
342
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:33,801
and hope you don't kill
any members of my family
343
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:36,767
till I am done
booting your hard drive.
344
00:12:36,801 --> 00:12:38,300
"She takes off her top"?
345
00:12:38,334 --> 00:12:40,701
Beverly was supposed
to play that part.
346
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:45,133
Halt! It is I, Drakeman.
347
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:48,100
I take off my
top in dismay.
348
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:50,000
Just skip over
the sex parts.
349
00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:03,467
Now, while I wipe off
the cooking oil,
350
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:05,868
for what have
you come here for?
351
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,601
To stop this evil demon
352
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:10,501
from defiling
the sanctity of whatever.
353
00:13:10,534 --> 00:13:12,501
It's a first draft.
354
00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:16,067
Stop now, or I shall use
more big words at you.
355
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,467
Forget it.
356
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:20,033
I am so craven
and cowardly and
stupid and smelly,
357
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,100
all I can do is
shoot you in the back.
358
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:23,067
Bang.
359
00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:26,000
Oh.
360
00:13:26,033 --> 00:13:28,367
(groans)
361
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,167
Ee-eew!
362
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,634
I am not cleaning
that up!
363
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:35,033
How dare you
slaughter the man
364
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,868
who I secretly
worshipped as a God?!
365
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,234
Again, I shall
take off my...
366
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:46,000
And furthermore, slice.
367
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,901
From hell's heart,
I stab at thee.
368
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,167
Slice!
369
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,267
Ha ha!
370
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,601
I have won!
371
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,767
(groans)
372
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:57,434
I am suffering
a fatal heart attack--
373
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:59,267
the destiny of all
who commit evil
374
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:01,567
or do something
Duckman doesn't like.
375
00:14:04,901 --> 00:14:08,267
Now is stilled
a dark and evil voice.
376
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:12,300
Let all women take off
their tops and rejoice.
377
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:21,968
I think you have
third act problems.
378
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,167
Nice play,
Dreckman.
379
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,300
The only thing missing
was Lincoln getting shot!
380
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:33,868
We haven't felt so exploited
in three days.
381
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:36,968
I found it
a provocative
piece of stagecraft
382
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,033
marred only
by the author's
overweening pretense
383
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,300
towards
psychological insight.
384
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:44,267
But the violence
was keen.
385
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,534
Oh, yeah? You guys wouldn't know
brilliant subtle theater
386
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:49,934
if it threw up on you.
387
00:14:49,968 --> 00:14:53,534
Your idea of medieval classic
is Piscopo doing Sinatra.
388
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:55,567
* Doo-bee doo-bee-doo
389
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:58,067
Wait. It's not "doo-bee..."
or is it?
390
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,501
Damn. "Doo-bee"
or not "doo-bee"?
391
00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:01,734
No, that's not the question.
392
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,534
It's why I have
to take this abuse.
393
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,467
What do they want me to do,
cack myself?
394
00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:06,801
I'm just stalling.
395
00:15:06,834 --> 00:15:10,367
Oh, what a tongue-shaped
urine-colored ass I am.
396
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,701
Duckman, were you
doing a soliloquy?
397
00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:13,968
No, I'm against drugs, Corny.
398
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,667
I was just talking to myself.
399
00:15:15,701 --> 00:15:18,367
You're still living
Shakespeare's play
with you as Hamlet,
400
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,667
King Chicken
as the King,
Bernice as Gertrude...
401
00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,801
Hello. Not caring.
402
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:25,267
But perhaps only by solving
the mystery of the play
403
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,901
can we hope to break you free.
404
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,334
Fine. So what's it mean?
405
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:30,701
It is, perhaps, the first
psychological portrait
406
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:32,667
of a fully modern man
in the sense that...
407
00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:35,100
I meant in two words.
408
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:36,434
Revenge destroys.
409
00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:37,934
Well, duh!
410
00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:39,667
But it often destroys
the revenger.
411
00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:42,067
That's why I believe
that convincing society
412
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,601
to scorn the transgressor
is the best revenge.
413
00:15:44,634 --> 00:15:46,968
Yeah, but there's nothing like
a good old-fashioned stoning.
414
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,200
Duckman, do you know
how Hamlet ends?
415
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:50,367
Everyone hugs?
416
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,634
Hamlet is a tragedy.
417
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:53,200
If I'm right,
418
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:54,934
and you've become trapped
inside Shakespeare's plot,
419
00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:56,667
unless we can find
a way to break you out,
420
00:15:56,701 --> 00:15:59,734
you will die.
421
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:02,200
JACOBS:
Yes? So what happened next?
422
00:16:02,234 --> 00:16:04,200
(sighs)
423
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:06,100
Two minutes,
right?
424
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,634
It was clear to me that
Duckman was in great danger
425
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,033
and to save his life,
we had to escape
426
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,167
from King Chicken--
leaving immediately
427
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,400
not allowing ourselves
428
00:16:18,434 --> 00:16:20,834
to be distracted
by anything he says or does
429
00:16:20,868 --> 00:16:22,067
no matter how clever.
430
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,067
Duckman, got a minute?
431
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:25,934
Sure. Is that a Game Boy?
432
00:16:25,968 --> 00:16:27,734
No. For legal reasons
433
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:30,567
this is not a Game Boy
by Nintendo.
434
00:16:30,601 --> 00:16:33,133
This is something
entirely different.
435
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,534
The, um, Game... Guy.
436
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:37,634
Wow! And it's mine?
437
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:39,634
One for each.
438
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:42,501
Say, you know
what would be good, clean,
439
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:45,033
as-far-as-you-know
nonlethal fun?
440
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,601
You two could
have a contest!
441
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,567
I am widely known as the
world's foremost expert
442
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:51,234
on pushing things
with his fingers.
443
00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:53,000
The triple-A battery
hasn't been born
444
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:55,200
that can count the ninjas
I've left headless.
445
00:16:55,234 --> 00:16:57,067
Good. Look them over
446
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,067
feel them, touch them,
447
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,367
make sure they
come into contact
448
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,334
with as much skin area
as possible.
449
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:05,534
Little do they know
450
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,067
that I have coated
the surface of these toys
451
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,767
with Laffindoom--
a chemical I've invented
452
00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,934
which induces laughter
so ceaseless and hearty
453
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:17,834
that it stops only with death.
454
00:17:17,868 --> 00:17:19,334
There's something suspicious
455
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:22,100
about King Chicken's
sudden and unlikely generosity,
456
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:24,434
not to mention the way
he's talking to the camera.
457
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:27,100
I wonder if these devices
contain some hidden property,
458
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:30,367
which could be of danger
to Duckman and/or myself.
459
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,133
Two hermaphrodites
go into a bar...
460
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:33,834
JACOBS:
Wait a minute.
461
00:17:33,868 --> 00:17:35,701
If these Game Guys
were the equivalent
462
00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:38,100
of the poison-tipped swords
used by King Claudius
463
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:39,968
in the duel between
Hamlet and Laertes,
464
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,200
why did you accept them?
465
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,634
You want logic or you
want to hear the end?
Go on.
466
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:46,300
CORNFED:
As Duckman and I took ourplaces in the living room
467
00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:48,868
I began to feel that myconcerns were justified.
468
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:49,968
(chuckling)
469
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,667
Cornilingus...
prepare for doom!
470
00:17:52,701 --> 00:17:54,934
Duckman, choose your
intellectually vapid
471
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:57,601
carpal tunnel-inducing
weapon. (laughing)
472
00:17:57,634 --> 00:17:58,767
(laughing)
473
00:17:58,801 --> 00:18:00,167
"Alien Terminator."
474
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,834
(laughter continues)
475
00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:04,334
Am I something?
476
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:07,133
I don't understand
half the jokes I say.
477
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:08,300
On your marks...
478
00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:09,367
get set...
479
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,434
die!
480
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:11,767
(laughter stops)
481
00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:13,868
I mean... go!
482
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:16,601
(laughter resumes)
483
00:18:17,801 --> 00:18:19,834
I... I'm suffering...
484
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:21,901
a fatal heart attack.
485
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:22,934
Oh!
486
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:24,367
The destiny of all
487
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,767
who do something...
King Chicken doesn't like.
488
00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:31,334
I mean... oh, dear.
489
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:34,100
Duckman!
Dad! Are
you dead?
490
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:35,601
I'm going fast, boys!
491
00:18:35,634 --> 00:18:38,801
(laughing uncontrollably):
Just remember one thing--
492
00:18:38,834 --> 00:18:42,534
don't let anyone ever...
dig up the backyard.
493
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:43,834
(groans)
494
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,901
Cornfed!
Cornfed!
Cornfed!
495
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:52,100
(laughing):
Chicken's... fault...
496
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:53,734
(sinister laughter)
497
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:55,000
(clucking)
498
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:57,434
Kingy! Are you
responsible for this?
499
00:18:57,467 --> 00:18:59,234
Who else?
500
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:04,634
Duckman, do you remember
having a toothache last week?
501
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:07,934
(laughing):
My regular dentist was
arrested for soliciting.
502
00:19:07,968 --> 00:19:09,968
There was a substitute... you!
503
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,968
(cackling)
504
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:13,300
Damn you, Chicken!
505
00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:15,000
You charged me $80!
506
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:17,834
I capped two bicuspids!
507
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:19,934
Also, while you were
under the gas,
508
00:19:19,968 --> 00:19:22,934
I planted a series
of post-hypnotic suggestions
509
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:25,467
including this one.
510
00:19:25,501 --> 00:19:27,634
(ghostly voice):
Duckman...
(sinister whooshing)
511
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,501
Hi. Yeah, the rooster's right.
512
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:32,133
I'm a figment
of your pathetic imagination.
513
00:19:32,167 --> 00:19:33,968
Does this mean
my father's still alive?
514
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,501
If you call that living.
515
00:19:35,534 --> 00:19:37,167
So listen, I'm out of here.
516
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,033
I got a date with the head
of Jayne Mansfield.
(whooshing)
517
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,367
Anyhoo...
518
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,734
I knew I would succeed.
519
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,467
And I have!
520
00:19:46,501 --> 00:19:48,033
Oh, yeah?!
521
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,200
Egad!
522
00:19:49,234 --> 00:19:51,367
Exactly!
523
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,901
Suspecting Game
Guy treachery,
524
00:19:52,934 --> 00:19:54,567
I used these
transparent gloves
525
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:57,167
to prevent us
from touching the
poisoned surface.
526
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,033
That's right--
without these gloves,
527
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,734
touching this would have
brought certain... uh...
528
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:04,501
Doom!
529
00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:05,834
(giggles)
530
00:20:05,868 --> 00:20:08,167
(uncontrollable laughter)
531
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,501
Wait one last-minute-
plot-twist second!
532
00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:13,100
Am I to understand
that your attentions
533
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:16,567
were all just part of some
stupid, inconsequential plan
534
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:17,901
to kill Duckman?!
535
00:20:17,934 --> 00:20:20,667
Quick! We have to find a way
to dilute the chemical.
536
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:22,334
I've got an idea!
537
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:25,067
(still laughing)
538
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:29,634
Duckman, we've escaped
from the play.
539
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:30,868
We changed the ending.
540
00:20:30,901 --> 00:20:32,734
(laughing):
Instead of everyone dying,
541
00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:34,400
we've ostracized
the wrongdoer
542
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:38,100
through the sanctifying power
of derisive laughter.
543
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:40,534
Wait till our
English teacher
hears about this.
544
00:20:40,567 --> 00:20:41,601
"So tell him
545
00:20:41,634 --> 00:20:43,367
"with the occurrents,
more and less,
546
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,601
Which have solicited--
The rest is silence."
547
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:47,934
JACOBS:
Okay, now, you can't
548
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:50,234
expect me to believe
Duckman said that.
549
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,501
In fact, I'm beginning
to doubt this entire story.
550
00:20:52,534 --> 00:20:55,033
Well, maybe it didn't happen
exactly like that,
551
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:57,133
but the only way we could get
this episode's sex and violence
552
00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:58,300
past the V-chip
553
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:00,834
was to hide behind a cultural
icon like Hamlet
554
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,501
which,
if it were written today,
555
00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:03,934
would itself be censored.
556
00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:04,934
And it worked!
557
00:21:04,968 --> 00:21:06,000
Our show is done...
558
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,467
The villain's whipped...
559
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:08,734
The good guys won...
560
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,567
We did our best...
561
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:12,400
Pulled out the stops...
562
00:21:12,434 --> 00:21:13,868
Let's all rejoice...
563
00:21:13,901 --> 00:21:17,100
ALL:
And take off our tops!
564
00:22:03,934 --> 00:22:06,567
BERNICE:
Oh, God, it's horrible!
I can't watch!
40499
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