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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,734 WOMAN: Being an orphan changes you. 2 00:00:14,801 --> 00:00:16,067 You're always alone. 3 00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:18,067 Yet you always know, deep down, 4 00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:21,467 there's someone out there that you're connected to, y'know? 5 00:00:21,534 --> 00:00:23,701 Hey, I mean, I got a life, a career, plants 6 00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:26,033 one of those little satellite dishes. 7 00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:27,033 I'm doing fine. 8 00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:28,400 But even so, 9 00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:31,234 a failed marriage and some really crummy relationships 10 00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:33,000 left me wanting that bond-- 11 00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:36,300 that sense of belonging only a family can give you. 12 00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:37,300 So I hired you. 13 00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:38,734 And now you tell me 14 00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:41,634 I not only have a family, but I'm a triplet? 15 00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:45,133 Mm! I'm walking into the lives of a bunch of strangers. 16 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,834 It's a very scary thing. 17 00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:51,234 Here's the address in L.A., 18 00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,667 but, uh, there isn't much more. 19 00:00:55,234 --> 00:00:56,634 Now, about my payment... 20 00:00:56,701 --> 00:01:00,300 maybe we could grab some dinner 21 00:01:00,367 --> 00:01:04,801 and find a way to, uh, reduce your fee. 22 00:01:04,868 --> 00:01:07,000 You know, whatever fate's got in store for me 23 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,901 I'm glad this is the last time 24 00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:12,234 I'll have to deal with a brainless, sleazy detective. 25 00:01:20,734 --> 00:01:22,367 (whistles) 26 00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:54,033 CHARLES: We sure are going to miss you, Aunt Bernice. 27 00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:56,267 You mean Aunt "Congresswoman" Bernice. 28 00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,501 Now, boys, 29 00:01:57,567 --> 00:02:00,000 even though I'll be in Washington a lot, 30 00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,601 I'll fly home as often as I can. 31 00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:04,300 But being a congresswoman, five-hour plane flights, 32 00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:06,434 taking care of us, when are you gonna sleep? 33 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,567 I'll do what Strom Thurmond does, 34 00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:10,834 and catnap on the bathroom floor. 35 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:26,033 Ordinarily, I'd never leave you boys, 36 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,100 but this is a chance to do something for America-- 37 00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:30,534 to make a difference. 38 00:02:30,601 --> 00:02:33,801 And I would never ever abandon you for too long a time 39 00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:36,000 to the slimy clutches of... Duckman! 40 00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:39,000 I haven't even left yet 41 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,901 and you've already turned Ajax 42 00:02:40,968 --> 00:02:42,400 into your personal slave. 43 00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:43,801 Bernice, I am... 44 00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:46,267 well, "appalled" is the only word for it. 45 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,601 How dare you imply 46 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,400 that I would treat my own son like chattel. 47 00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,033 You can expect a collect call from my attorneys. 48 00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:54,200 Slave. Ha! 49 00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:55,834 That will be all, Kunta. 50 00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,968 Free at last! 51 00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:03,200 Kids and their melodrama. 52 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,868 And since I have my own office now, 53 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,300 I'll be sure to take a reminder 54 00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,100 of each of my loved ones with me-- 55 00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,334 the boys, Cornfed... 56 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,934 Grandma-ma... 57 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,234 Tony Little... 58 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,234 Beatrice. 59 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,634 Oh, this was just before 60 00:03:18,701 --> 00:03:21,834 I tried to choke you with my garter, remember? 61 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,801 Yeah, you never forget your wedding day. 62 00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,567 Except the part when I got faced 63 00:03:25,634 --> 00:03:26,834 and starting swinging that nine iron 64 00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:28,167 and broke the flower girl's nose. 65 00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:32,434 Oh, Beatrice, I miss you so much. 66 00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:33,767 (gasps) 67 00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:38,000 Look! It's her! It's really her! 68 00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:39,000 Who? 69 00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:40,334 B-B... Beatrice. 70 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,767 What?! 71 00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:43,400 Duckman, how could you desecrate my sister's memory 72 00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,400 for a tasteless made-you-look gag? 73 00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:46,734 I swear I saw her-- 74 00:03:46,801 --> 00:03:49,200 their mother, your sister, my wife. 75 00:03:49,267 --> 00:03:51,067 There's only one logical explanation-- 76 00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:53,300 the dead have come back to life 77 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,801 and she is their leader! 78 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,667 I hope she doesn't eat flesh. 79 00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,100 I'm still using mine. 80 00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,133 Duckman, you sad sack of spoor splash. 81 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,467 You probably just saw my reflection in the window. 82 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,901 Nuh-uh! You may have been twins 83 00:04:04,968 --> 00:04:07,267 but Beatrice had a lovely, angelic glow, 84 00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:10,067 while you've got more of that whole, uh, "evil Satan's spawn, 85 00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,501 Elephant Man" kind of thing going. 86 00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:13,734 (horn honks) 87 00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,567 This time that wasn't me venting my pancreas. 88 00:04:16,634 --> 00:04:17,901 Your taxi is here. 89 00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:20,133 Oh, my babies. 90 00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:24,000 Study hard, clean your rooms, 91 00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:26,467 and stay at least 20 feet from your father at all times. 92 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:27,834 I'll see you in a couple of days. 93 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,801 Give 'em hell, Aunt Bernice! 94 00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:31,400 Good luck in Congress! 95 00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:35,167 And tell Newt government has no place in my bedroom. 96 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:38,968 Sadly, the Speaker is "Mr. Bad Touch." 97 00:04:39,033 --> 00:04:41,234 I can't even enjoy watching Bernice leave. 98 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,300 I don't care what anyone says, I saw her. 99 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,834 Beatrice is alive! 100 00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:47,667 She's alive! She's alive! 101 00:04:47,734 --> 00:04:49,834 Duckman, didn't you say the same thing 102 00:04:49,901 --> 00:04:51,734 about Cleopatra and Martha Washington 103 00:04:51,801 --> 00:04:53,067 and Vicki Lawrence? 104 00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:54,601 But Vicki Lawrence isn't dead. 105 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,534 He knows, my queen. 106 00:05:03,601 --> 00:05:05,534 He knows nothing. 107 00:05:05,601 --> 00:05:07,100 He is a fool. 108 00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,767 No one can stop us now. 109 00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:11,901 (evil laughter) 110 00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:16,200 Hey, I told you to stop doing that. 111 00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:18,434 I'm telling you, Beatrice is back 112 00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,267 and she's surprisingly spry 113 00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:22,601 what, with having been dead and all. 114 00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:28,467 Duckman, I know how happy she made you 115 00:05:28,534 --> 00:05:30,167 but now she's gone. 116 00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:36,033 I miss her so much, 117 00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,901 I guess I made myself believe she was back. 118 00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:40,534 Good-bye, Beatrice. 119 00:05:45,968 --> 00:05:48,334 (stuttering, gasping) 120 00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:51,467 What's wrong? 121 00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:52,534 B-B-B-Beatrice! 122 00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:53,868 Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-She 123 00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:55,300 was right th-th-th-th... 124 00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:56,734 (screams) 125 00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,033 Beatrice! 126 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,334 My Beatrice! 127 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,467 Whoo-hoo! 128 00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:08,033 Beatrice! 129 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,067 Baby! 130 00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:12,067 (high-pitched scream) 131 00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:15,067 (people murmuring) 132 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,501 I am so sorry-- this isn't how I wanted to meet you. 133 00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:29,234 I was only trying to work up the nerve to talk to you. 134 00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:30,367 Please, don't die. 135 00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,234 Hey! You said you were his wife. 136 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,267 Were you lying so you could ride in the ambulance 137 00:06:35,334 --> 00:06:36,367 because it's cool? 138 00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:38,734 No. I am his wife, uh, eh... 139 00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:40,067 Beatrice. 140 00:06:43,501 --> 00:06:44,667 All right, what do we got? 141 00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,033 Man versus bus. 142 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,501 Always bet on the bus. 143 00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,434 Okay, on three: One, two, three. 144 00:06:49,501 --> 00:06:51,567 D'Alonzo, you just pretended to lift. 145 00:06:51,634 --> 00:06:53,234 Don't think I didn't notice. 146 00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:54,234 Oh, my God! 147 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,968 He looks really familiar. 148 00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:56,968 Oh, well. 149 00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:58,167 Pupils fixed and dilated, 150 00:06:58,234 --> 00:06:59,667 trauma, concussion, steatorrhea, 151 00:06:59,734 --> 00:07:00,934 shock, abrasions... pressure? 152 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,734 I've been under a lot since the change. 153 00:07:02,801 --> 00:07:03,734 Thanks for asking. 154 00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:04,734 The patient! 155 00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:05,734 Oh. 90/60. 156 00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:06,834 Bag him. Iffy neurals 157 00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:08,234 no nephritis, severe mottling 158 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:10,467 start him on Osborn clamps, Laufenberg traction, 159 00:07:10,534 --> 00:07:12,567 CBC, chem seven, apply Misch compression, 160 00:07:12,634 --> 00:07:14,234 watch for buildup till ortho comes, 161 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,033 reno peptides protocol, synovial drip, 162 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:17,934 10 cc's dioxyviolaspolin, five-p glucose, 163 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,734 check for Evans-Hyland syndrome and Markowitzian occlusion, 164 00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:23,634 start gastric lavage and spike that decidua capsularis stat! 165 00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:25,334 Is he going to be all right? 166 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,801 Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a fortune-teller! 167 00:07:27,868 --> 00:07:29,067 Ma'am, please wait outside. 168 00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,968 The doctor may need to start slamming his fist 169 00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,033 on the patient's chest 170 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,300 and yelling, "Live, damn you, live!" 171 00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:34,767 and that can be hard to watch. 172 00:07:36,701 --> 00:07:38,701 Oh, I-I'm terribly sorry. 173 00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:40,367 Well, hello. 174 00:07:40,434 --> 00:07:42,868 I'm ecstatic to see you. 175 00:07:42,934 --> 00:07:44,701 Uh... hi. 176 00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,601 It's been, uh... 177 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,067 too long? 178 00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,434 Since this morning? 179 00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,601 I suppose that is a long time 180 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,400 if you're a soap bubble. 181 00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:54,734 Why are you here? 182 00:07:54,801 --> 00:07:56,734 Oh, my God, it's Duckman. 183 00:07:56,801 --> 00:07:59,734 Dr. Ehrlich, this man is my friend and neighbor. 184 00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:00,901 I'll take over. 185 00:08:00,968 --> 00:08:02,501 Damn it, Ben, you're too close! 186 00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:04,334 It's not supposed to be personal. 187 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,701 You're wrong, Craig. 188 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,267 It's always supposed to be personal. 189 00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:10,534 As director of medical services, 190 00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:12,767 I'm ordering you to step aside. 191 00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:15,267 We must stem the pyloric stenosis 192 00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:16,734 or risk brain damage. 193 00:08:16,801 --> 00:08:18,734 Time is... 194 00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:20,734 (monitor beeping) 195 00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,234 ...crucial. 196 00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,667 (steady tone and beeping) 197 00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:29,667 Uh-oh. 198 00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:32,067 Paddles... stat. 199 00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,901 And... 200 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,601 Clear. 201 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,934 (steady tone, beeping) 202 00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:51,968 Again. 203 00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:03,133 Will you come on already?! 204 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,734 Ma'am, I asked you to leave. 205 00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:10,100 (flatly): Live, damn you, live. 206 00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,434 Happy? 207 00:09:11,501 --> 00:09:13,634 (steady tone, then beeping) 208 00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:15,133 I knew you could do it, 209 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,767 you magnificent bastard. 210 00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:19,267 Damn it, Ben, your methods may be unorthodox, 211 00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:21,033 but you're a hell of a doctor. 212 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,467 I think we all learned a little something 213 00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:24,834 about dedication today. 214 00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:27,334 I don't like him. 215 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,667 No one does. 216 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:31,467 He's pompous, arrogant, egotistical... 217 00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:34,801 and I wish we had a dozen just like him. 218 00:09:34,868 --> 00:09:36,234 Will he be all right? 219 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:39,601 There's no telling when or if he'll regain consciousness 220 00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,434 but we'll do everything we can. 221 00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:43,267 This way to your husband's room. 222 00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,634 Why, thank you. I... 223 00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:46,601 Nurse, that's not his wife. 224 00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,868 His wife passed away. 225 00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:50,033 (gasps) 226 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,934 NURSE: Then she'll have to leave. 227 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,701 Family members only, you know. 228 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:54,834 BEN: It's all right. 229 00:09:54,901 --> 00:09:56,367 She's his sister-in-law. 230 00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:57,367 I'll take her. 231 00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,567 Bernice, are you all right? 232 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,567 My sister's dead. 233 00:10:02,634 --> 00:10:04,934 Ye-Yeah, I'm-I'm Bernice. 234 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,934 Uh, I mean, I-I'm... I'm all right, yeah. 235 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:08,934 Thanks. 236 00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:16,267 Bernice, there's something different about you. 237 00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:18,467 It's... just so hard 238 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:22,133 seeing my sweet brother-in-law so weak, so frail. 239 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,801 How could I live without his sweet voice, 240 00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:26,934 his sunny smile, his kindness 241 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,934 or his shoulder to cry on? 242 00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:34,367 Bernice, perhaps you should check in for a few days, 243 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,033 get a full workup. 244 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,267 Uh... no, no, no, 245 00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:38,934 I'm all right, but, uh... 246 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:39,934 (coughs) 247 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,868 I could use a little water. 248 00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,534 Be right back. 249 00:10:44,601 --> 00:10:46,801 Oh, what have I gotten myself into? 250 00:10:46,868 --> 00:10:49,801 I better leave before I screw up your life even more. 251 00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:50,801 Beatrice... 252 00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:51,834 (gasps) 253 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,767 Beatrice... you're back. 254 00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:56,133 Beatrice... 255 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,033 Is it possible that his belief 256 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:01,033 that you're the reincarnation of his dead wife 257 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,767 is what's keeping him alive? 258 00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:04,434 Oh, that's preposter... 259 00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:06,434 Must stay alive... 260 00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,434 Be with Beatrice. 261 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,267 It's all that... keeps me going. 262 00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,200 Interesting theory. 263 00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:16,534 Even this partial awakening is a very hopeful sign. 264 00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,934 If he can stay alert through the night, 265 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,467 he could recover fully. 266 00:11:20,534 --> 00:11:23,400 To help him, you must pretend to be Beatrice. 267 00:11:23,467 --> 00:11:26,634 It may sound like a weird sitcom plot contrivance, 268 00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:29,033 but it's the only way to save his life. 269 00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,033 But I can't, I-I... 270 00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,100 I'll arrange for you 271 00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:32,367 to stay round-the-clock. 272 00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:37,801 Beatrice, are you there? 273 00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:39,801 Yes, uh... 274 00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:42,601 yes, I-I am, uh... sweetie. 275 00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:45,200 Uh, uh... "sweetie." 276 00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:47,434 Never called that before. 277 00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:49,701 Wh-What did I used to call you? 278 00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:52,501 You know, my first name. 279 00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:55,901 No one knows it but you, and no one ever will. 280 00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,234 I hate it. 281 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,868 Everyone made fun of it when I was a kid. 282 00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:01,100 "Eric." 283 00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,901 Eric. 284 00:12:02,968 --> 00:12:04,334 Icky Eric. 285 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,400 "Eric Duckman" is a nice, uh... 286 00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:09,734 so, what does Bernice call you? 287 00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:12,901 Uh... "tufted," "turd-toned," 288 00:12:12,968 --> 00:12:16,601 "ptomaine-tainted," "tally-tugging," but... 289 00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,100 I know she likes me. 290 00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,033 What makes you so sure? 291 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,567 Because you love me. 292 00:12:21,634 --> 00:12:25,701 Too much of you in Bernice for her not to love me, too. 293 00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,000 What do you remember most about me? 294 00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:32,100 The way your hair smells when I spill beer in it. 295 00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:34,667 The way you hold my head when I spew. 296 00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:37,534 The way you plug your ears with your fingers 297 00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:41,133 when I scream, "Shake it, baby!" at passers-by. 298 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,200 Ah, you never forget your honeymoon. 299 00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:44,701 (chuckles) 300 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:47,100 I could... always make you laugh. 301 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,501 I'm very lucky to have found a... husband 302 00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,434 who loves me as much as you do. 303 00:12:52,968 --> 00:12:55,067 I love you, Beatrice. 304 00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:57,067 Beatrice loves you, too. 305 00:13:02,634 --> 00:13:03,901 Oh! 306 00:13:03,968 --> 00:13:06,267 No, I don't want a kiss, Colonel Klink! 307 00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:07,601 Kiss Lebeau instead. 308 00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:09,267 Hey, shh... it's okay. 309 00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:10,434 You're dreaming. 310 00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:12,901 I'm here. It's Bever...trice. 311 00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:14,067 (sighs) 312 00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:15,400 Bevertrice. 313 00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:17,234 AJAX (in distance): I just heard Aunt Bernice. 314 00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,968 Dad's room must be this way. 315 00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:22,300 MAMBO: Ajax, we just talked to Aunt Bernice in Washington. 316 00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:23,434 She can't be here. 317 00:13:25,334 --> 00:13:26,601 (clears throat) 318 00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:30,601 (deep voice): Boys, this is Dr. Stein. 319 00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,334 I can't permit you to come in. 320 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,367 I... 321 00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,200 Oh, hi. 322 00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:37,701 (nervous chuckle) 323 00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:38,968 Hi. 324 00:13:39,033 --> 00:13:41,567 Would you mind telling me who you are? 325 00:13:41,634 --> 00:13:42,901 (nervous chuckle) 326 00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:45,234 Uh... long story. 327 00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:51,934 CHARLES: This is so exciting. 328 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,300 MAMBO: Coming home with a new aunt. 329 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,801 BEVERLY: And a sick father. 330 00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,467 Ajax, be careful carrying him. 331 00:13:57,534 --> 00:14:00,634 Dr. Stein said that he's still disoriented and semi-conscious. 332 00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:01,734 (thud) 333 00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:04,434 Okay, unconscious. 334 00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:06,434 (flies buzzing) 335 00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,133 Well, that's unusual-- 336 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,367 having a compost heap indoors. 337 00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,868 It's Dad's bedroom. 338 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:14,734 Ah. Well, since Bernice is out of town 339 00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:17,868 would her room be a little less, oh, maggoty? 340 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,801 Aunt Beverly, how long do we have to pretend you're mom? 341 00:14:22,868 --> 00:14:24,033 Dr. Stein said 342 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:25,934 your father's full recovery depends 343 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,767 on my doing whatever your mother would have done. 344 00:14:32,801 --> 00:14:34,467 Beatrice... 345 00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:36,167 my angel... 346 00:14:36,234 --> 00:14:38,234 could you...? 347 00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,467 (whispering) 348 00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:41,701 Oh, my God! 349 00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:44,067 Actually, that sounds, uh... 350 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,033 No, no, no, no, I couldn't. 351 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,133 I mean, of course I will. 352 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,868 But, dear, you should rest first. 353 00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,767 I can't, shnooky-lumps 354 00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:56,200 at least not till I see you strapped in. 355 00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:58,968 Thank God Bernice isn't here to see this. 356 00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,734 Oh, Aunt Bernice just arrived. 357 00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:06,400 We can introduce her to Beverly. 358 00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:08,767 Hey, we were going to the bathroom. 359 00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:09,968 This is more important. 360 00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:12,067 No, it isn't! I gotta go! 361 00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:14,200 So, who's stopping you? 362 00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:16,167 (choking) 363 00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:19,100 Ajax, just the person I need. 364 00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:22,567 Yoiks. I hear that less often than one might think. 365 00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:25,868 Look, your father asked me to, uh, do something 366 00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:28,634 your mother used to, uh, do. 367 00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:30,200 Play "training the poodle"? 368 00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:32,868 Well, yeah, but before becoming intimate with a man 369 00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:35,534 I like to, you know, not be his sister-in-law. 370 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,767 Look, I'm sure he'll fall asleep soon. 371 00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:40,067 I'll put on one of Bernice's nightgowns 372 00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:41,767 and act like I'll be with him 373 00:15:41,834 --> 00:15:44,467 but you keep coming by and saying you need me 374 00:15:44,534 --> 00:15:45,868 for different things, okay? 375 00:15:45,934 --> 00:15:48,234 A-OK, Aunt Beverly. 376 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,400 She's not here. Can I go now? 377 00:15:55,467 --> 00:15:57,000 Kitchen. 378 00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:01,400 Charles? 379 00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:02,801 Mambo? 380 00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:04,100 Ajax? 381 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:05,934 Did you call my name? 382 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,334 No. 383 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,868 Did you see Aunt Bernice? 384 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,133 No. 385 00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:15,601 (laughing lewdly) 386 00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:17,601 (thud, groan) 387 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,834 Duckman, in your delirium 388 00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:26,167 you must have been packing to leave. 389 00:16:26,234 --> 00:16:27,968 Beatrice, do you still remember 390 00:16:28,033 --> 00:16:30,334 how you'd start off a night of passion 391 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,300 by hitting me with a suitcase. 392 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,367 I can't believe I'm getting in bed with a man 393 00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:35,801 and no Riunite has changed hands. 394 00:16:35,868 --> 00:16:37,200 (knock on door) Hi. 395 00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:41,400 Sorry to interrupt, but I'm, uh, on fire. 396 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,300 Honey, I am so sorry. 397 00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,634 Here. Let me put you out. 398 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,501 (clicks tongue) (screams) 399 00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:56,901 Sorority Scream-Fest? 400 00:16:56,968 --> 00:16:59,634 Ooh, we haven't done that since Live Aid. 401 00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:02,667 Duckman, you turd-toned, ptomaine-tainted, tally tugger-- 402 00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:04,434 What in the name of all that's unholy 403 00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:07,567 are you doing in my bed?! 404 00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:10,300 Samsonite. 405 00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:13,300 Aunt Bernice! Aunt Bernice! 406 00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,868 No, this is merely our new Aunt Beverly 407 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:18,033 in our old Aunt Bernice's clothes, 408 00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,634 pretending to be our dead mom Beatrice. 409 00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:23,834 If I can keep it straight, you can. 410 00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:25,901 But I saw Aunt Bernice come in the house. 411 00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:27,267 Hallucination. Happens all the time. 412 00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:28,834 Let's go to the bathroom. 413 00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:30,133 Bernice might be here? 414 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,467 Let's spread out and find her. 415 00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:32,801 MAMBO: No! 416 00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:35,667 Wait. I'm still trying to spread out. 417 00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:44,434 Um... radioactive mice? 418 00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:45,534 What? 419 00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:47,367 Uh, an evil scientist 420 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,634 has just turned all our mice into monsters 421 00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:55,701 that, um, can only be defeated by, uh, someone in a nightgown. 422 00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:58,968 Whew! I am on today. 423 00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:00,801 Ajax, what are you talking about? 424 00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:02,300 Ooh! 425 00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:03,801 Come and show me. 426 00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:06,634 Nice hit, but it's better with luggage. 427 00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:08,734 Look at that. 428 00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:11,567 He is literally crawling on his hands and knees 429 00:18:11,634 --> 00:18:14,067 to have perverted sex with his dead wife. 430 00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:17,200 I'm deeply moved, yet sickened. 431 00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:19,534 Duckman, are you all right? 432 00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:22,067 Buttercup! Ilsa! 433 00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,701 You've come home! 434 00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:26,367 Duckman, no, I can't do this. I'm... 435 00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:28,734 Shy? Out of condoms? Conscious? 436 00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:30,734 Not Beatrice. 437 00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:33,234 Lamby-poo, have you lost your mind? 438 00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,467 Because I want you to know, even if I have you committed, 439 00:18:35,534 --> 00:18:37,400 I'll be willing to boink you on visiting days. 440 00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:38,968 It's a Hallmark moment. 441 00:18:39,033 --> 00:18:41,734 But, Duckman, I have something to tell you 442 00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:44,133 and, uh, it could be a bit of a shock. 443 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,601 I'm not your wife. 444 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,167 She died a long time ago. 445 00:18:47,234 --> 00:18:48,501 Don't talk crazy. 446 00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,767 Of course you're alive. See? 447 00:18:50,834 --> 00:18:51,767 There you are. 448 00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:53,167 Hah? 449 00:18:53,234 --> 00:18:55,200 (gasping) 450 00:18:57,601 --> 00:18:59,267 Who are you? 451 00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:00,300 She's Beatrice. 452 00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,300 No, I'm not. 453 00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:02,367 Yes, you are. 454 00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:03,834 She knows who she is, you moron! 455 00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:04,834 I'm your sister. 456 00:19:04,901 --> 00:19:06,467 No, you're not! 457 00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:07,934 There she is. 458 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,100 Can you at least tell her quickly. 459 00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:10,234 Aunt Beverly is your other sister 460 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,501 who got misplaced in the hospital, 461 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:12,934 so she hired a detective to find you 462 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,067 but she accidentally injured Dad, 463 00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:15,400 so she had to pretend to be Mom. 464 00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,033 Thanks. Can we please go? 465 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,367 I buy the stuff about the sister and the hospital 466 00:19:19,434 --> 00:19:20,701 and the accident 467 00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:22,868 but how would a detective be able to find people? 468 00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:24,167 Other sister?! 469 00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,734 But if that's true, do you know what it means? 470 00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:28,534 Threesome? 471 00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,701 We're triplets! We're triplets! 472 00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:33,734 Oh, after all these years, I can't believe I found you. 473 00:19:33,801 --> 00:19:36,834 After all these years, I can't believe you exist. 474 00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:38,667 But there's so much to tell. 475 00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,067 Do you know about...? 476 00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,801 Beatrice. Yes, it's horrible. 477 00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:43,968 I know. 478 00:19:44,033 --> 00:19:46,300 And then after marrying Duckman, she died. 479 00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:48,300 AJAX: Mudslide! 480 00:19:48,367 --> 00:19:50,501 It's okay now, Ajax! 481 00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:51,834 You've met the children? 482 00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:53,200 Oh, they're wonderful. 483 00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:54,667 Where are you staying? 484 00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:55,868 No, don't answer that. Right here. 485 00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,701 In fact, now that I'm a congresswoman 486 00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,534 and obligated to attend $1,000-a-plate 487 00:19:59,601 --> 00:20:01,367 prayer breakfasts every morning, maybe you could help 488 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,133 look after the kids till you get settled. 489 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,467 Oh, Bernice, could I? 490 00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:05,634 You wouldn't mind? 491 00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:07,434 Aw, that'd be great. 492 00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:09,033 Ooh, stop jumping. 493 00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,000 AJAX: Um, meteorite! 494 00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,834 A meteorite just fell on me! 495 00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:17,167 Ajax, you don't need to do that anymore! 496 00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:21,067 AJAX (weakly): Okay. 497 00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:22,400 Never mind. 498 00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:29,934 Oh... 499 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,067 Hi. 500 00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:32,234 Getting a snack? 501 00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:33,701 Ah, look, I, uh... 502 00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:36,834 I've been thinking about what you did, and... 503 00:20:36,901 --> 00:20:39,400 Yeah, hey, I'm sorry, really. 504 00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:40,634 Sorry? 505 00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:43,400 You didn't even know me and you stayed with me, 506 00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:45,200 talked with me, helped me recover. 507 00:20:45,267 --> 00:20:46,968 You saved my life. 508 00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:51,133 No, but I, but I felt so bad, pretending to be Beatrice. 509 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,234 It was wonderful. 510 00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:53,968 It was like she was alive again. 511 00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:56,334 I wish I could have seen you two together. 512 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,834 Yeah, we were something. 513 00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,234 Uh, Beverly, 514 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,467 I don't remember exactly what I talked about 515 00:21:01,534 --> 00:21:02,734 when I thought you were Beatrice. 516 00:21:02,801 --> 00:21:06,434 Did I say anything, you know... private? 517 00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,267 No, not really. 518 00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:09,634 Even if you did say something intimate or private, 519 00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:11,434 I've long since forgotten it. 520 00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:12,567 Whew! 521 00:21:12,634 --> 00:21:14,868 Well, good night, Beverly. 522 00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,400 Good night, Eric. 523 00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:19,400 (gasp, glass breaking) 524 00:21:19,467 --> 00:21:21,167 (plate clattering) 525 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:29,334 (squishing, paddles rubbing together) 526 00:21:45,734 --> 00:21:48,367 (more squishing, then more rubbing) 527 00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:53,834 DOCTOR: Clear. 528 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,501 DUCKMAN: Buttercup! Ilsa! 36024

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