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1
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:10,701
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:13,234 --> 00:00:16,868
(snoring)
3
00:00:18,901 --> 00:00:20,734
(ringing)
4
00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:23,100
Uh... lunch!
Uh... lunch!
5
00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:24,934
Wait till you see
what I brought today, Corny.
6
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,467
They've got everything
in it I love,
7
00:00:26,534 --> 00:00:28,133
and they sell it right there
at the gas station:
8
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,133
artificial cheese wipe,
something that looks like meat
9
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,000
and two fuzzy green crackers.
10
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:33,033
(small shriek)
11
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:35,133
Do olives squeal?
12
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,434
What kind of slop
you got to force down?
13
00:00:37,501 --> 00:00:39,133
Just a little something
I threw together
14
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,601
as I was leaving the house
this morning:
15
00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:42,300
salmon in a pastry shell,
16
00:00:42,367 --> 00:00:45,000
sun-dried tomato and scallop
salad on baby greens
17
00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:46,334
and cr�pe suzette.
18
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,033
Yeah, but I bet
yours doesn't come
19
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,133
with the Surgeon General's
warning.
20
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,067
Would anyone
care for a glass
21
00:00:54,133 --> 00:00:56,100
of freshly made
lemonade?
22
00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:00,734
I told you two dust mites--
23
00:01:00,801 --> 00:01:02,334
juice pitcher on the left
side of the fridge
24
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,868
specimen pitcher
on the right.
25
00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:07,234
Mr. Duckman, that was
all-natural lemonade
26
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:09,467
made exclusively
from lemons
27
00:01:09,534 --> 00:01:11,701
that died of
natural causes.
28
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,434
We waited until
these lemons
29
00:01:13,501 --> 00:01:15,133
were in the
advanced stages
30
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,200
of decomposition
before using them.
31
00:01:17,267 --> 00:01:18,734
All right!
32
00:01:18,801 --> 00:01:19,801
Cameo's over!
33
00:01:19,868 --> 00:01:21,234
You know, maybe this
would taste better
34
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:22,367
on the rocks.
35
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:24,267
(grinding)
36
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,133
(both shrieking)
37
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,133
Oh, yes.
38
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,133
Ice is nice...
39
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,400
Brrr!
Brrr!
40
00:01:30,467 --> 00:01:32,167
(screaming)
41
00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:34,501
...but steam is keen.
(chuckles)
42
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:35,868
(inhaling deeply)
43
00:01:38,167 --> 00:01:39,634
Freeze, duck!
44
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:40,767
We got a complaint
45
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,834
from the sniper's
nest next door--
46
00:01:42,901 --> 00:01:44,367
something about killing
47
00:01:44,434 --> 00:01:46,300
your pink and blue
secretaries.
48
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,300
Officer, please.
49
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:48,701
Kill?
50
00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:50,367
Fluffy and Uranus?
51
00:01:50,434 --> 00:01:53,501
Why, I'm shocked, shocked that
you'd think I'd harm a hair
52
00:01:53,567 --> 00:01:55,267
on their little
chinny-chin-chins.
53
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:56,334
(coughs)
54
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,400
Oops.
55
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:01,067
No. No! No!!!
56
00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:02,667
I can't be going to prison!
57
00:02:02,734 --> 00:02:04,067
Where's the justice?
58
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:05,234
This is America, damn it!
59
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:06,834
A country where
you can murder your parents,
60
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,601
slice and dice your ex-wife,
desex your husband
61
00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:10,000
and still get a drawn-out,
six-month trial
62
00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,200
at the taxpayers' expense,
63
00:02:11,267 --> 00:02:12,534
complete with
a rush-to-video highlights tape
64
00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:13,968
before the jury's
even reached a verdict!
65
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,167
And yet that kangaroo court
didn't take ten minutes
66
00:02:16,234 --> 00:02:17,634
to give me ten years!
67
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:21,234
This can't be happening.
It can't! It can't! It...
68
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:24,334
Mmm-moo!
69
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:28,067
I never can resist that.
70
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:35,767
Uh, h-here already?
71
00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:36,968
L-Look at me.
72
00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:38,300
I-I'm, I'm such a mess.
73
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,734
I can't go out there like this.
74
00:02:39,801 --> 00:02:42,234
Pardon me while I slip into
something more comfortable
75
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,033
say, uh, Argentina?
76
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:45,167
(grunts)
77
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:50,267
Listen, punk, name's Wanda,
aka God.
78
00:02:50,334 --> 00:02:52,801
Play by my rules,
and you just might live.
79
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:56,334
Get cute, and I'll
introduce you to... Bruno.
80
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,434
(stuttering)
81
00:02:57,501 --> 00:02:58,767
Bruno? I know a Bruno--
82
00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:00,834
yea tall, a little fey,
83
00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:02,767
works miracles
with hair tint
and a curling iron.
84
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,133
Ooh!
85
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,334
This is Bruno.
86
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,567
Look, no offense.
87
00:03:07,634 --> 00:03:09,601
If I wanted to get smacked
around by some tattooed,
88
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,834
sex change waiting to happen,
I could have stayed home.
89
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,400
What kind of prison is this
anyway?
90
00:03:15,501 --> 00:03:17,701
Oh, boy!
Hold the phone.
91
00:03:17,767 --> 00:03:19,501
Talk about your
bureaucratic bonus.
92
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,667
Those red tapeworms
accidentally sent me
93
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:22,767
to a women's prison.
94
00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,100
Cut the crapola, sister.
95
00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:25,767
It won't wash here.
96
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,234
Duckman, huh?
97
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,100
Strange name for a broad.
98
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,834
No Shinola, Sherlock.
Open your eyes.
99
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:33,667
Just take one look
and you'll see I'm a mmm...
100
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:34,667
(very feminine
grunting)
101
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:38,434
ALL (gently):
Ahh... ahh...
102
00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:40,067
I'm a mmm...
103
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:43,400
Ahh... ahh... ahhh...
104
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:47,167
I'm a-mmm-mazed
at how this place
105
00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:49,234
will reform and rehabilitate me.
106
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,968
And wait till
my fellow inmates find out
107
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:52,133
I'm a hot-oil masseuse
108
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,567
and semiprofessional
bikini waxer.
109
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,701
Want to play some
naked volleyball?
110
00:03:55,767 --> 00:03:57,033
I'd rather do
nude weight lifting.
111
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,400
Mm, naked volleyball.
112
00:03:58,467 --> 00:03:59,400
Nude weight lifting.
113
00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:00,400
Naked volleyball.
114
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:01,334
Nude weight lifting.
115
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,334
Volleyball!
Weight lifting!
116
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,334
Stop it!
117
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,067
(both grunting and squealing)
118
00:04:07,133 --> 00:04:08,567
(yowling like cats)
119
00:04:08,634 --> 00:04:10,567
And that's just
a little taste
120
00:04:10,634 --> 00:04:13,701
of what's in store
for you here.
121
00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:16,534
The system really does work.
122
00:04:33,901 --> 00:04:35,968
(giggling)
123
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:07,167
You know, Wanda, a job like
yours in a place like this
124
00:05:07,234 --> 00:05:08,601
must keep you so busy.
125
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:10,067
If you ever need
any help at all
126
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,601
doing bed checks,
body searches
127
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,767
or watching those
endless security
monitor video tapes...
128
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:15,601
Listen, stool pigeon.
129
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:17,400
I'm getting tired
of that mouth.
130
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,434
Time for Bruno
to shut it up again.
131
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,367
Wanda!
(whip cracking)
132
00:05:21,434 --> 00:05:23,667
You're not going to
hurt the new arrivals.
133
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:26,400
Hurting them is...
134
00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,167
my job.
135
00:05:28,234 --> 00:05:29,367
Oh. Warden.
136
00:05:29,434 --> 00:05:30,601
(chuckling)
137
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,767
You're looking
dominant today.
138
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:34,133
Good Lord!
139
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,501
You're the warden?!
140
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:37,367
Can this hen pen get any better?
141
00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:38,767
Silence!
(cracks whip)
142
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:42,901
Forgive my manners...
143
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,667
please...
144
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:46,300
come.
145
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:49,834
(moaning
and groaning)
146
00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:51,300
(sighing
contentedly)
147
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:55,400
How does one stay
so supple, so feminine?
148
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,400
It's amazing what years
of self-abuse and atrophy can do
149
00:05:57,467 --> 00:05:59,067
if you just put
a little effort into it.
150
00:05:59,133 --> 00:06:00,400
(cracks whip)
No matter!
151
00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:02,300
You must learn
that we have rules here.
152
00:06:02,367 --> 00:06:04,000
In this facility,
bad behavior
153
00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:06,100
will be met with
strict discipline!
154
00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:07,400
While good behavior...
155
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:08,400
(cracks whip)
156
00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:10,400
will also be met
with strict discipline!
157
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:13,667
Have I made
myself clear?
158
00:06:13,734 --> 00:06:15,234
Perfectly, Bert Warden,
159
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,567
although I am
the very definition of a...
160
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:19,501
(chuckling):
hardened criminal.
161
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,033
I promise to make you proud.
162
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:22,801
Trust me, my pet.
163
00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:25,167
You already have.
164
00:06:25,234 --> 00:06:26,968
(chuckling)
165
00:06:27,033 --> 00:06:28,100
Ow!
166
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,234
Wait outside.
167
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:31,400
Wanda will escort you
to your cell.
168
00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:33,934
She's perfect.
169
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,334
Perfect?
170
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,601
Look at her--
171
00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:38,534
lithe, coquettish,
seductive--
172
00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:41,501
and I mean that in a totally
non-lesbian manner.
173
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:45,367
She'll make a fine addition
to our little...
174
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:46,834
club.
175
00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,033
(door buzzes open)
176
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:57,267
(suggestive chatter)
177
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,801
(inmates howling)
178
00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:01,300
Hey there, hi there, ho there.
179
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:02,934
Love you.
180
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,033
How you doing?
181
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,334
So great to be here
at Gal-catraz.
182
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,734
I'm shacking you with
one of our old-timers.
183
00:07:08,801 --> 00:07:10,133
She'll show
you the ropes.
184
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,467
Not to worry.
I'm no stranger
185
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:12,634
to the old bind
and boink.
186
00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:14,033
I trust you
use velvet here.
187
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,067
I get such a rash
when hemp gets wet.
188
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:17,067
Aah!
189
00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:18,400
Watch it.
190
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:22,601
Wanda can be a real
loudmouth-battle-axe shrew.
191
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:23,634
It's okay.
192
00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:25,200
I've got the
home version.
193
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:26,601
Tough customer, eh?
194
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:27,901
Name's Betty.
195
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,834
Welcome to cellblock double-D.
196
00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:32,033
The first night's
always the worst.
197
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,801
Listen, if you're scared...
198
00:07:33,868 --> 00:07:34,801
I'll be fine.
199
00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:36,267
I'll be glad to hold you.
200
00:07:36,334 --> 00:07:39,067
Why, oh why, oh why
am I in this snake pit?!
201
00:07:39,133 --> 00:07:40,868
It ain't fair,
I tell you!
202
00:07:40,934 --> 00:07:42,868
You'll feel better
after a shower.
203
00:07:42,934 --> 00:07:43,901
Shower?
204
00:07:43,968 --> 00:07:45,234
You mean you?
205
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:46,267
Me?
206
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:47,400
Us?
207
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,968
We all shower together.
208
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:52,300
That way we can help
each other and soap those...
209
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:54,167
hard-to-reach places.
210
00:07:54,234 --> 00:07:55,534
Shall we?
211
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,334
(laughs weakly)
212
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,434
(thud)
213
00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:01,601
(giggling)
214
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:05,434
You always faint
215
00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:06,767
when you hear
the word "shower"?
216
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,400
(muffled talking)
217
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:09,400
Don't worry.
218
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:10,901
You'll get used to it.
219
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,801
We have 30 group
showers a day.
220
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,100
That's a great way
221
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:15,801
to keep clean
and build morale
222
00:08:15,868 --> 00:08:17,901
in a totally
non-lesbian
sort of way.
223
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:19,667
This can's a powder keg.
224
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:21,100
Everywhere you look,
225
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,801
there's a mud fight
226
00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,200
or a pillow fight
or nude wrestling.
227
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:28,734
Yeah, I'm scared straight.
228
00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:30,367
(grunts)
229
00:08:30,434 --> 00:08:33,367
All right, hellcats, it's
time for another shower.
230
00:08:33,434 --> 00:08:34,834
Not you, daisy.
231
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,501
You have visitors.
232
00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:37,501
But-but-but...
233
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:40,100
Or would you like
to meet... Phil?
234
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,367
Hi, family.
Great to see you.
235
00:08:43,434 --> 00:08:44,868
Living hell.
Don't try to get me out. Bye.
236
00:08:45,934 --> 00:08:47,534
WOMAN:
Ooh... ahh.
237
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:50,133
It's so steamy in here.
Ooh...
238
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,434
Incoming!
239
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,334
(sobbing)
240
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:03,701
(sighs):
What's going on?
241
00:09:03,767 --> 00:09:05,267
Carpet party.
242
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:07,868
Carpet party!
243
00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:09,501
In the big house,
you get tired
244
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:11,567
of having cold stone
under your feet.
245
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,734
So, once in a while,
246
00:09:12,801 --> 00:09:14,801
someone has a big
area rug smuggled in.
247
00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:16,067
We dance on the rug,
248
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:18,734
and for one night,
it's like...
249
00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:20,000
it's like...
250
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,634
we're free!
251
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,067
Go, girl.
252
00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:24,701
Go, Betty.
Go, Betty.
253
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:27,767
* Oh, there's a place
you've got to go *
254
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,901
(snapping fingers)
255
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:32,934
* The swingingest swank soir�e
I know *
256
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,267
(snapping fingers)
257
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:38,534
* The wildest party
in the world *
258
00:09:38,601 --> 00:09:40,767
(snapping fingers)
259
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,634
* Even though it's only girls *
260
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:45,734
(snapping fingers)
261
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:48,200
* It'll get you higher quicker *
262
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:50,801
* Than any bad old drug *
263
00:09:50,868 --> 00:09:53,334
* So lose the beer and liquor *
264
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,567
* Right there on the rug *
265
00:09:55,634 --> 00:09:58,868
* We'll have a carpet party *
266
00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:00,267
* Lots of bee-bop, fun *
267
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:03,901
* I love a carpet party *
268
00:10:03,968 --> 00:10:05,901
* Won't stop till it's done... *
269
00:10:05,968 --> 00:10:07,133
All right!
270
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,267
INMATES:
Whoo! Yeah!
271
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,634
Hey, I get it now!
272
00:10:10,701 --> 00:10:11,968
Huh!
273
00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:14,534
* From your head
down to your feet *
274
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,334
* From a-top to bottom
it can't be beat *
275
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,400
Huh!
276
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:27,601
* From your head
down to your toes *
277
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:31,133
* From a-hair to shoes,
knee to nose *
278
00:10:32,934 --> 00:10:35,300
* Well, the people
who love jammin' *
279
00:10:35,367 --> 00:10:37,701
* Find it's in the bag *
280
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:41,033
* So get the girls and cram in *
281
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,567
* Right there on the shag *
282
00:10:42,634 --> 00:10:46,300
* We'll have a carpet party *
283
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,968
* Dancing ever faster *
284
00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:51,133
* I love a carpet party *
285
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,100
* Good thing *
286
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:55,400
* It's a good thing *
287
00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:59,601
* It's the master. *
288
00:11:01,734 --> 00:11:04,400
Doesn't have what
it takes, huh?
289
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:06,901
Have her there
tomorrow night.
290
00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,200
(growling)
291
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,467
Where do you think
you're going?
292
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,300
The... showers?
293
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:24,100
Change o' plans, princess!
294
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:27,200
This is cruel and unusual
punishment!
295
00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:28,534
Put this on.
296
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:30,367
You're going out
to a little get-together
297
00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:31,868
where you'll be doing men...
298
00:11:31,934 --> 00:11:34,000
how you say... favors?
299
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,634
Yeah, you said it right--
favors.
300
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:36,968
No, sugar walls.
301
00:11:37,033 --> 00:11:38,200
Favors.
302
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:43,834
(party conversations)
303
00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:48,701
(cheering and whistling)
304
00:11:48,767 --> 00:11:51,133
Aw, please, don't make me dance!
305
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,734
Has it come to this?!
306
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:54,934
Capering in front
of degenerates!
307
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,234
Humiliated!
308
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,334
Reduced to a pitiable creature!
309
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,667
Sacrificing dignity
and self-respect!
310
00:12:00,734 --> 00:12:02,000
And for what?!
311
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:03,667
What?!
312
00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:05,667
Oh. Is that a finski?
313
00:12:05,734 --> 00:12:10,000
You put your down down
and thrust your pelvis! Huh!
314
00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,400
Thrust your pelvis, huh!
315
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,834
Thrust your pelvis,
huh!
316
00:12:12,901 --> 00:12:14,501
Thrust your pelvis, huh!
317
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,667
Thrust your pelvis,
huh!
318
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:19,300
(big band music playing)
319
00:12:31,868 --> 00:12:32,801
(music fades out)
320
00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:40,300
Where do you want
your steam room?
321
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:42,100
Second level,
behind the pasta bar.
322
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,968
Ahh.
Ahh.
323
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:48,534
(phone ringing)
324
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,968
The Duckman.
325
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:51,300
A conjugal visit?
326
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:54,133
Is it Scooter,
that dreamy consul,
327
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,534
or that ginchy ambassador Chip?
328
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,534
Ah... Cornfed Pig.
329
00:12:58,601 --> 00:13:00,300
Ask for Chip, get chitlins.
330
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:02,133
Okay, girls, take a breather.
331
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,200
Oil up and I'll be back
for our 2:00 party sandwich.
332
00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:07,200
(Duckman grunting,
Cornfed giggling)
333
00:13:07,267 --> 00:13:10,901
(bedsprings bouncing
and creaking)
334
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:14,701
DUCKMAN:
Aah! Ohh... aah...
335
00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:17,567
Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!
336
00:13:17,634 --> 00:13:18,968
Oh! Yeah!
337
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:20,434
(laughing and whooping)
338
00:13:20,501 --> 00:13:21,701
Whew!
339
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:25,834
If you ever get out,
Hemple's Department Store
340
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,100
has two new trundle beds
with our names on them.
341
00:13:28,167 --> 00:13:30,434
Sorry to get down
to business,
342
00:13:30,501 --> 00:13:31,767
but you're
in danger here.
343
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:33,300
Danger?
What kind of danger?
344
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:34,968
It's suspicious
if we're quiet.
345
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:37,701
The only way to
see you alone was
a conjugal visit.
346
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:40,200
We have to keep it rocking
so no one comes a-knocking.
347
00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:41,868
I've been working
to get you out.
348
00:13:41,934 --> 00:13:43,200
Get me out?
349
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:44,767
Over my dead body stocking!
350
00:13:44,834 --> 00:13:46,767
In here, I'm the Grand Damme,
351
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:49,267
Double Dutch Diva,
Glenn Close-to-perfection.
352
00:13:49,334 --> 00:13:50,734
My investigation
turned up
353
00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,400
a lot of scams
in this prison--
354
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:53,767
prostitution, extortion,
355
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,634
counterfeit
Simpson's merchandise--
356
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:58,133
and the money trail
leads right to the warden.
357
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,334
This place is dirty,
Duckman,
358
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,901
and it's gonna
make you dirty, too.
359
00:14:00,968 --> 00:14:02,267
Hey, can I help it
360
00:14:02,334 --> 00:14:04,501
if I haven't gotten
into that shower yet?
361
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:06,400
Besides, the warden
cares about me.
362
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,901
Don't you see that any
popularity you have now
363
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,701
is because they can
profit off you?
364
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,067
When the inevitable
fall happens,
365
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,167
you'll be as forgotten
as Jesse Jackson
366
00:14:14,234 --> 00:14:16,334
after a Democratic
presidential victory.
367
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,334
Guards!
368
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,767
Guards!
369
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,234
One hug before I go?
370
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:23,234
(snaps fingers)
371
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,667
You don't know nothing!
372
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:27,167
I'm Duckman, damn it!
373
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:28,334
Duckman!
374
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,667
It's never going to end
375
00:14:29,734 --> 00:14:32,000
'cause there's no one here
better than me!
376
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,267
Duckman,
377
00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:35,901
meet Susie.
378
00:14:45,434 --> 00:14:46,501
(yelling)
379
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:47,667
(grunting)
380
00:14:47,734 --> 00:14:49,467
SUSIE:
Hello, Betty.
381
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:50,767
Morning, Duckman.
382
00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:53,167
Oh, look at
that little sweet tart--
383
00:14:53,234 --> 00:14:55,801
that fake cheeriness,
those obvious hair extensions,
384
00:14:55,868 --> 00:14:57,501
those playfully
mischievous breasts.
385
00:14:57,567 --> 00:15:00,100
Oh, why are my hips
so large?
386
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,300
Well, she may think
that she's Miss All-That,
387
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,834
but I'm here to tell you
she... is... not.
388
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:08,501
What the...?
389
00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:10,167
But the warden
only chucks me
390
00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:12,367
in that sensual,
yet non-lesbian manner.
391
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:14,267
You'll feel better
after a shower.
392
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:15,601
Don't say that word!
393
00:15:15,667 --> 00:15:16,734
I'm sorry, Duckman.
394
00:15:16,801 --> 00:15:18,767
I know what you're
going through.
395
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,467
I was once
exactly like you.
396
00:15:20,534 --> 00:15:23,167
Three kids,
dangerously slanting house,
397
00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:24,734
a restraining order
from Anna Paquin?
398
00:15:24,801 --> 00:15:28,300
What I meant was I was once
the warden's favorite.
399
00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:31,801
Welcome to the former-
flavor-of-the-month club.
400
00:15:31,868 --> 00:15:33,801
Silly Betty,
you probably think
401
00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:35,434
before I came to prison,
I was rich.
402
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:36,534
No.
Famous.
403
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:38,601
Not really.
Educated at the best schools.
404
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:39,501
Never occurred to me.
405
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:40,734
My point is,
406
00:15:40,801 --> 00:15:42,267
I don't have much in life.
407
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:43,968
I'm just another dime-a-dozen
408
00:15:44,033 --> 00:15:45,634
gynecology school flunky.
409
00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:47,801
Now, for the first time,
I am somebody.
410
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:49,968
I'm getting praise, respect.
411
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:51,801
So what if it's
'cause I'm a boy-toy
412
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,801
for slavering, disgusting men.
413
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:55,667
They'll drag me away
by my press-on nails
414
00:15:55,734 --> 00:15:57,734
before I give up this gig.
415
00:15:57,801 --> 00:16:00,968
Tonight, I'll reclaim my throne.
416
00:16:01,033 --> 00:16:02,734
It's time to put on the dog
417
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:05,934
and scoot that pooch
back to the pound.
418
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,234
(chamber music playing)
419
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,734
(lively party chatter)
420
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:15,634
(music stops)
421
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,133
(music and chatter resume)
422
00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:27,667
Duckman.
423
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:29,033
I'm so glad
you made it.
424
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,601
This seems like
so much fun.
425
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,334
Well, well,
apparently Halloween
426
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,701
came early this year.
427
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,534
Love those
fishnet stockings.
428
00:16:35,601 --> 00:16:37,634
Oh, excuse me.
Those are your veins.
429
00:16:37,701 --> 00:16:38,334
I'm sorry?
430
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,501
Fascinating jewelry.
431
00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:41,234
Me? I stay away from
the home shopping stuff,
432
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,567
but it seems
to work on you.
433
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,234
Kind of highlights
your roots.
I don't...
434
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,667
By the way, still working
on that speech impediment?
435
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:49,267
All the men tell me
you can't say no.
436
00:16:49,334 --> 00:16:50,868
(chuckling)
437
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:52,434
(laughing)
438
00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:55,267
You are so funny, Duckman.
439
00:16:55,334 --> 00:16:57,334
Thanks for
making me laugh.
440
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,234
I'm so nervous, this being
my big debut, and all.
441
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:01,634
(screams):
Debut?!
442
00:17:01,701 --> 00:17:03,200
I guess you're
my opening act or something.
443
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:04,467
I really wish the warden
444
00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:06,200
would gave me some advance
notice on these things.
445
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,801
Okay, just hold your bit
446
00:17:07,868 --> 00:17:09,567
under five minutes
and don't mention Vietnam.
447
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:12,400
I do a POW thing
during my tap dance routine--
448
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:13,567
sort of a tribute.
(drumroll)
449
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:17,400
Gentlemen,
it's time to present the person
450
00:17:17,467 --> 00:17:19,567
you have all come to see.
451
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:21,467
Please welcome...
(rimshot)
452
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:24,300
Miss Susie.
453
00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:26,934
(men cheering)
454
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,601
But I...
455
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:34,033
I'm prettier than she ever was!
456
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:37,567
Where you going
with that stuff?
457
00:17:37,634 --> 00:17:39,000
It's mine. I earned it.
458
00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:41,133
So I can't get
the "A" clubs anymore.
459
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,968
So what? That crowd
at the flea market loved me.
460
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:45,801
Wait! You're not taking
my three-speed foot soaker
461
00:17:45,868 --> 00:17:47,934
and my nubs-begone
electric shaver?
462
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,033
Oh! No! No! No!
463
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:53,434
You can't take my
remote-activated shoe tree!
464
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:54,767
(sobbing hysterically)
465
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,400
Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
466
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,834
Ooh! Ya! Ugh!
467
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,234
(Wanda laughing)
468
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,167
My, my.
469
00:18:01,234 --> 00:18:04,834
Just when you thought
she couldn't get more pathetic.
470
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:06,801
You! This is
all your fault.
471
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,501
Believe me,
it was my pleasure.
472
00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:12,200
Well, get ready to mix
your pleasure with pain.
473
00:18:12,267 --> 00:18:14,767
Baby, my pleasure is pain.
474
00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:17,267
Then I'm going
to pain your pleasure
475
00:18:17,334 --> 00:18:18,834
like it's, uh...
476
00:18:18,901 --> 00:18:21,868
I mean, I'm going to pleasure
your pain till you...
477
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,634
uh, give me a sec, would you?
478
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:25,200
I'll get a handle on this.
Ahh!
479
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:27,300
(women chanting):
Fight! Fight!
480
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,367
Fight! Fight! Fight!
481
00:18:29,434 --> 00:18:31,467
Fight! Fight! Fight!
482
00:18:31,534 --> 00:18:33,534
Fight! Fight! Fight!
483
00:18:36,701 --> 00:18:38,267
Wait! Come back here!
484
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,734
She sucker punched me.
485
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:41,367
Look, I can still dance!
486
00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:42,801
Look at me. Look at me!
487
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:44,400
(grunting and groaning)
488
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:47,434
Intense pain in my lower back,
buttocks and hips,
489
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,601
especially
along my sciatic nerve.
490
00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:51,067
Wait a second.
491
00:18:51,133 --> 00:18:52,634
I had lower back pain, too,
492
00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:54,367
ever since
that last mud fight.
493
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,701
Me, too.
494
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,934
Hey, all this
gratuitous mud fighting
495
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,701
has given us sciatica.
496
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:02,033
Sciatica! Sciatica!
497
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,701
(all chanting):
Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica!
498
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:08,033
Sciatica! Sciatica!
499
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,534
Sciatica! Sciatica!
500
00:19:10,601 --> 00:19:12,934
Sciatica! Sciatica!
501
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,267
(grunting)
502
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:25,067
(grunting)
503
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:29,200
(glass shattering)
504
00:19:32,968 --> 00:19:33,901
(groans)
505
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:44,634
Attention, ladies, this prison
is hereby being shut down.
506
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:45,767
You are all free.
507
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:47,100
For those of you with sciatica,
508
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,167
chiropractors
are here to treat you.
509
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,234
(inmates cheering)
510
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:57,100
(inmates whistling and cheering)
511
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:58,434
You two are under arrest
512
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,767
for price-gouging
on vending machine sodas.
513
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,234
Oh, and we're pretty sure
that dance ring stuff
514
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:04,234
was illegal, too.
515
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,567
Blessed Corny, how did you know
516
00:20:05,634 --> 00:20:06,567
what was going on?
517
00:20:06,634 --> 00:20:09,133
When I came for our
little, uh... visit
518
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,901
I planted a wire on you.
519
00:20:10,968 --> 00:20:13,067
Really? I thought you
were just copping a feel.
520
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:14,334
Before that.
521
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,200
Thanks to the wire,
we overheard everything
522
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,567
and I mean everything.
523
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,000
Oh. Uh...
524
00:20:20,067 --> 00:20:21,367
(chuckling)
525
00:20:21,434 --> 00:20:23,367
That Swiss bank account of
undeclared agency profits--
526
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:27,033
that's, uh, in
both our names.
527
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,968
(women sobbing)
528
00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:33,767
I'll miss you.
529
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:34,868
Good-bye, Duckman.
530
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:35,801
Buzz off, skank!
531
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,033
(grunting)
532
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:39,234
I probably deserve that.
533
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:42,200
You-- I'm going to
miss Most of all.
534
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:44,934
I'll never forget you,
Duckman.
535
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,868
Nor I you, uh... uh...
536
00:20:46,934 --> 00:20:48,367
old pal.
537
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:49,634
(chuckling)
538
00:20:49,701 --> 00:20:52,534
Eh, always wanted
my own riding crop.
539
00:20:52,601 --> 00:20:54,601
Mr. Duckman, Mr. Duckman!
540
00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:58,200
We're reconstituted again,
and all is forgiven.
541
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:01,634
(both screaming)
542
00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:06,133
Yessiree! This'll
come in real handy.
543
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,367
Duckman,
being free,
544
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,934
you no longer have to
keep wearing that dress.
545
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,901
You know, you're
absolutely right.
546
00:21:11,968 --> 00:21:14,567
(whistling)
547
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:16,667
Aside from your
new fashion preference,
548
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,133
I wonder what else
you've learned as a result
549
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,934
of your incarceration
in a woman's prison.
550
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,167
Cornfed, old friend,
551
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:25,033
I've learned, as Henry
Amadeus Thoreau said
552
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:26,767
that walls do not
a prison make,
553
00:21:26,834 --> 00:21:28,267
that exploitation
of women
554
00:21:28,334 --> 00:21:29,501
is wrong and hurtful,
555
00:21:29,567 --> 00:21:31,968
but that dancing for men
is fun and profitable
556
00:21:32,033 --> 00:21:34,100
that detective work
is boring and pass�
557
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:35,601
but the right
undergarments
558
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:38,000
can make you
feel so alive
559
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:40,133
and that with the
slightest lifestyle
adjustment,
560
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,167
you, too, can know
the wild abandon I feel
561
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:43,701
every time I look
in the mirror.
562
00:21:43,767 --> 00:21:45,300
Let's say
we go talk about it
563
00:21:45,367 --> 00:21:47,300
over some tiramisu
and cappuccinos.
564
00:21:47,367 --> 00:21:48,601
My treat.
565
00:22:35,567 --> 00:22:37,100
(Duckman and Cornfed grunting)
566
00:22:37,167 --> 00:22:38,434
(bedsprings bouncing
and creaking)
38007
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