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1
00:00:11,634 --> 00:00:13,601
(noisy chomping and slurping)
2
00:00:15,467 --> 00:00:18,367
(door opens and closes)
3
00:00:18,434 --> 00:00:19,534
Howdy, next of kins.
4
00:00:19,601 --> 00:00:21,634
Betcha didn't sleep a wink
last night
5
00:00:21,701 --> 00:00:23,100
without my usual
protective presence.
6
00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:24,100
You're right, Dad.
7
00:00:24,167 --> 00:00:25,834
We miss those
odd rocking noises
8
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:28,501
from your bedroom that
normally lull us to sleep.
9
00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:30,601
That's what fathers are for.
10
00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:31,601
Mmm! A1.
11
00:00:31,667 --> 00:00:33,968
Nature's hangover cure.
12
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:36,634
(belches)
13
00:00:36,701 --> 00:00:38,467
Boys, I had an incredible night.
14
00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:41,300
I went to that bondage club
on the bad side of town.
15
00:00:41,367 --> 00:00:42,567
The one down the street?
16
00:00:42,634 --> 00:00:43,667
That's right.
17
00:00:43,734 --> 00:00:45,501
Guillermo's Discount
Papaya Enemas,
18
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:47,734
Nipple Bleaching
and Ferret Racing Ranch.
19
00:00:47,801 --> 00:00:49,834
Clubs in this city
have such funny names.
20
00:00:49,901 --> 00:00:51,400
Now then, prudence
and dry heaves
21
00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:53,701
prevent me from going into
too much detail,
22
00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:54,767
but at one point,
23
00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:56,300
the girls on stage were
either lathering
24
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:57,667
or slathering each other--
25
00:00:57,734 --> 00:00:59,968
I couldn't really tell
from where I was sitting--
26
00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:00,968
anyhoo, I get aroused
27
00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:02,634
so I haul my esteemed buns
on stage
28
00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:04,901
and start doing a sort
of a mamba samba rumba thing
29
00:01:04,968 --> 00:01:06,334
I've been working on
at the office.
30
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,767
Kind of a step-close-step
to a two-four beat.
31
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:11,434
I get to the point where I'm
doing the pokey with my hokey
32
00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:13,067
and that's when the cops
raid the place.
33
00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:15,400
Flash forward through a few
hours of legalese mumbo jumbo
34
00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:17,367
about bail hearings
and outstanding warrants,
35
00:01:17,434 --> 00:01:19,133
I'm proudly walking out
the station doors
36
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,767
with this souvenir--
37
00:01:20,834 --> 00:01:21,901
my mug shot
38
00:01:21,968 --> 00:01:24,634
signed by each
of the arresting officers.
39
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,601
(growling)
40
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,801
Shut up, you hazy-headed
hunting decoy!
41
00:01:28,868 --> 00:01:30,033
Your sordid anecdotes
42
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:32,300
are totally inappropriate
for your boys.
43
00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,801
Thank goodness,
no other children heard them.
44
00:01:34,868 --> 00:01:37,601
At least, according to
the latest Nielsen ratings.
45
00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:40,133
Duckman, have you
gotten taller?
46
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,734
You seem less pip
and more squeak than usual.
47
00:01:43,801 --> 00:01:46,300
Dad, we're going to go through
puberty together.
48
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,334
(grunts)
49
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,601
Get off me.
50
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:51,334
Look, I'll prove to you
you've grown taller
51
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,400
thanks to this conveniently
located box
52
00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:55,133
of old family photos.
53
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,667
A-ha! Look, a former mug shot.
54
00:01:57,734 --> 00:01:58,968
So many memories.
55
00:01:59,033 --> 00:02:02,667
I can barely recall that
particular sex offense.
56
00:02:02,734 --> 00:02:04,701
It was last weekend, you idiot!
57
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:07,434
Look, last night's photo
shows you're 5'3",
58
00:02:07,501 --> 00:02:09,167
but in this photo, you're...
59
00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:10,467
4'9".
60
00:02:10,534 --> 00:02:14,067
Duckman, you've grown
six inches in one week.
61
00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:15,334
This can't be.
62
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,100
This is some sort
of group conspiracy, right? Huh?
63
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:20,367
Is that it? Who got to you guys?
Was it the government?
64
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:22,300
Was it the military
who doctored up these photos?
65
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:24,300
For the love of God, people,
you got to tell me.
66
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,734
Tell me! Tell me!
Tell me!!!
67
00:02:27,801 --> 00:02:28,834
(screams)
68
00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:31,534
Growth accelerating,
breath shortening.
69
00:02:31,601 --> 00:02:32,834
Must seek medical attention.
70
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:34,033
But hospital's too expensive.
71
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:37,267
Medical costs have spiraled
out of control
72
00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:39,834
thanks to the Republican
congress.
73
00:02:39,901 --> 00:02:42,868
Instead, will go see
family physician...
74
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:44,033
Pinnstein, MD.
75
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,367
I thought you
left already.
76
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,767
(yelling)
77
00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:50,334
(grunts)
78
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,400
Out of the way!
79
00:02:51,467 --> 00:02:52,701
Medical emergency!
80
00:02:52,767 --> 00:02:54,467
Desperately ill man
coming through.
81
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:57,601
(childish giggling)
82
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:00,234
Get out of the way!
83
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,901
Medical emergency!
Emergency!
84
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:04,534
MAN:
Left...
85
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,801
right... left...
86
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:11,334
Yes, Muriel, I knew our years
of groundbreaking therapy
87
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,767
would pay off some day.
88
00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:14,000
(screams)
89
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,901
(horn honking
and tires screeching)
90
00:03:15,968 --> 00:03:19,000
Help me, Doc. Something strange
is happening to my body.
91
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:22,367
Mr. Duckman,
as I explained
to you before,
92
00:03:22,434 --> 00:03:24,734
those are called "erections."
93
00:03:24,801 --> 00:03:26,000
In the future...
94
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,734
But I need help now!
95
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,367
Come on, Doc, I thought
since we're neighbors,
96
00:03:29,434 --> 00:03:31,067
we could have some sort
of barter arrangement.
97
00:03:31,133 --> 00:03:32,067
I see.
98
00:03:32,133 --> 00:03:34,100
I'll give you medical services
99
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,534
and you'll give me...
100
00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:43,267
I'm sorry, but what do you have
to offer in exchange?
101
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:44,934
Well, I'm a detective.
102
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:45,934
A detective.
103
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,267
So you conduct
investigations?
104
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:50,767
Investi-what?
105
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,334
(sighs)
106
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:01,868
(thumping and rattling)
107
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:15,100
Mm-hmm.
108
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,367
Oh, my.
109
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:17,367
Good Lord.
110
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,400
No.
111
00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:24,501
Mr. Duckman, you have a
very rare blood condition.
112
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:25,334
(yells)
113
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,067
My thoughts exactly.
114
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,067
The catalyst
115
00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,901
for your disease
baffles me.
116
00:04:29,968 --> 00:04:31,968
Excuse my laughable
absurdity,
117
00:04:32,033 --> 00:04:34,167
but have you
recently ingested
118
00:04:34,234 --> 00:04:36,367
a combination of battery acid
119
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:38,834
aerosol deodorant
and Tiger Balm?
120
00:04:38,901 --> 00:04:39,834
(chuckles)
121
00:04:39,901 --> 00:04:41,267
As recently as last night.
122
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:43,634
Well, then,
apparently, the electrolytes...
123
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:44,501
In English, Doc.
124
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:46,501
Sorry. The battery has...
125
00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:47,501
In English!
126
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,300
The square thingy in your car
127
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:50,400
has a goo inside.
128
00:04:50,467 --> 00:04:51,801
The unique combination
129
00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:52,968
of that goo
130
00:04:53,033 --> 00:04:55,467
with the other items
you ate last night
131
00:04:55,534 --> 00:04:57,801
has caused
this new blood condition.
132
00:04:57,868 --> 00:05:02,133
Every time you get angry now,
your blood literally boils.
133
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,467
This, in turn, accelerates
your hormone levels
134
00:05:05,534 --> 00:05:07,133
and causes you to grow.
135
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,300
But how do we cure this?
136
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:09,634
There is no cure.
137
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:12,801
You must simply take care
to avoid any aggravation.
138
00:05:12,868 --> 00:05:13,968
Here's your bill.
139
00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:15,601
Charge for office lighting,
140
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:18,267
additional fees
for speaking to the doctor,
141
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:19,334
15% gratuity?!
142
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,334
Talk about your
hypocritical oath.
143
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,667
Physician,
heal thyself.
144
00:05:22,734 --> 00:05:24,133
Nowadays, you need six kinds
of insurance,
145
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,033
a letter from a bank
and a sack of gold
146
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,734
just so you can wait
in line for some...
147
00:05:27,801 --> 00:05:29,033
(yells)
148
00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:31,400
Actually, this bill seems fine.
149
00:05:31,467 --> 00:05:33,467
(panting)
150
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:34,734
This is horrible.
151
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,868
I'm turning into some kind
of monster.
152
00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:39,000
Maybe I'm just getting
self-conscious.
153
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:41,334
Maybe it's not that noticeable
to others.
154
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,601
Hi, there.
155
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:43,868
How you doing today?
156
00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:45,234
Please don't touch me.
157
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,267
I have children.
158
00:05:46,334 --> 00:05:47,567
I don't deserve to die.
159
00:05:47,634 --> 00:05:48,567
(screaming)
160
00:05:48,634 --> 00:05:50,667
Good. Normal response.
161
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:52,868
Hey, deputy dog,
what are you doing?
162
00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:55,434
This car was involved
last night in an accident.
163
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:57,734
That kid ran into me!
The moon was in my eyes!
164
00:05:57,801 --> 00:05:59,767
My vision was clouded
by cheap alcohol.
165
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:00,934
Sounds credible to me.
166
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,267
This is a frame-up.
167
00:06:02,334 --> 00:06:04,033
Never before has there been
such an open and shut...
168
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,367
Wait a minute,
I'm not done lying.
169
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:06,601
Why are you taking off?
170
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:07,868
You. You're huge.
171
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,567
My puny bullets would
be useless against you.
172
00:06:10,634 --> 00:06:12,567
(screaming)
173
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:13,767
Hold la phone.
174
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:16,434
I sensed a begrudging admiration
on his part.
175
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,167
Maybe my new improved size
176
00:06:18,234 --> 00:06:20,601
is making people
treat me differently.
177
00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:22,033
Unless I miss my guess,
178
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:24,334
people are now going
to respect me.
179
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,334
This is great!
180
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,200
(squawking)
181
00:06:29,634 --> 00:06:30,601
Hey, you, lady!
182
00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:33,300
Stop talking to that guy,
183
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:36,100
'cause it's, uh, it's making it
humid out here!
184
00:06:37,234 --> 00:06:39,100
And both of you
stop doing, uh...
185
00:06:39,167 --> 00:06:40,934
all that other sort of stuff
you're doing,
186
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,901
'cause it's too... something.
187
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:45,067
Woo-hoo!
188
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:47,901
He's right.
189
00:06:47,968 --> 00:06:50,734
You do talk too much.
190
00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:56,501
(loud chewing and slurping)
191
00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,133
Ah.
192
00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:08,901
How was
your day, Dad?
193
00:07:08,968 --> 00:07:10,434
Another day, another 12 inches.
194
00:07:10,501 --> 00:07:12,100
Sounds like
something you'd overhear
195
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:13,434
on Hollywood...
196
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,300
Boys, I want you to finish
all your homework tonight
197
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:16,400
before watching TV.
198
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:17,734
Correction, boys.
199
00:07:17,801 --> 00:07:20,067
You're to watch mindless TV
until your eyes cramp,
200
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,701
then do whatever
homework you can finish
201
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,067
as you're climbing
into bed.
202
00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:25,033
Duckman,
that's ludicrous.
203
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,367
Actually, Dad's
got a good idea.
204
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:28,033
What?!
205
00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:29,367
By limiting
206
00:07:29,434 --> 00:07:31,267
our homework time,
he's challenging us
207
00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:32,934
to think faster,
right, Dad?
208
00:07:35,234 --> 00:07:36,734
Well, that's right.
209
00:07:36,801 --> 00:07:39,767
Okay, what is going on here?
210
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,734
Dad's gained stature
in our eyes.
211
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:42,834
We now equate him
212
00:07:42,901 --> 00:07:44,767
with other
well-respected Goliaths,
213
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:47,000
such as David Letterman,
Jeff Goldblum
214
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,901
and author-slash-genetic
oddity Michael Crichton.
215
00:07:49,968 --> 00:07:51,000
Come on, guys.
216
00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:52,434
Time for mindless TV.
217
00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:55,067
First one there
gets to press his face
218
00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:56,400
against the screen.
219
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,767
That's it, Duckman.
220
00:07:57,834 --> 00:08:02,367
Everybody else may kowtow
to you now, but not me!
221
00:08:02,434 --> 00:08:03,567
Eee-ya!
222
00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:05,267
(yawning)
223
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:07,834
(loud crash)
224
00:08:07,901 --> 00:08:09,801
Uh, Bernice, things around here
225
00:08:09,868 --> 00:08:12,601
will be, uh, a little different
from now on.
226
00:08:14,133 --> 00:08:15,901
Sounds good.
227
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,534
Hello, kids. You haven't
offended me yet today,
228
00:08:22,601 --> 00:08:24,434
but let's go ahead
and assume you will.
229
00:08:24,501 --> 00:08:26,067
(both gasping)
230
00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:28,501
(yelling)
231
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:34,367
Ah, much better.
232
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:36,767
Those caraway seeds
have been there a month.
233
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,467
Top of the morn, Corn.
234
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:41,467
Good weekend?
235
00:08:41,534 --> 00:08:43,834
Duckman, what's happened to you?
236
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:44,834
You noticed.
237
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:46,033
I must counsel you
238
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,901
against such obvious
overuse of steroids.
239
00:08:47,968 --> 00:08:49,667
It's not jock rockets, Cornfed.
240
00:08:49,734 --> 00:08:50,667
It's all natural.
241
00:08:50,734 --> 00:08:52,667
I have
an incurable disease.
242
00:08:52,734 --> 00:08:54,234
Will your luck never cease?
243
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,067
Not as long
as I keep ranting.
244
00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:58,167
Now, straighten your tie,
you slob.
245
00:08:58,234 --> 00:08:59,734
Heh--
three more inches.
246
00:08:59,801 --> 00:09:03,567
Er, Duckman, your new condition
might lead to a few changes
247
00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:04,934
in our business
practices.
248
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,033
It's already happened,
baby corn.
249
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,133
Out on the street, I ran
into our deadbeat client,
250
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,100
Mr. Griswald Vanderhorn.
He paid me on the spot.
251
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,567
Actually, he just kind of threw
his wallet at me and ran.
252
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:14,934
Probably had to catch a bus.
253
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:15,834
What I meant was...
254
00:09:15,901 --> 00:09:17,167
My whole life's changed.
255
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:19,567
Suddenly, I'm a respected member
of my community
256
00:09:19,634 --> 00:09:21,567
and being a peeping tom
is so easy now.
257
00:09:21,634 --> 00:09:24,200
I'm happy you're happy, Duckman.
258
00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:25,634
Sorry, no time for happiness.
259
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:26,868
Anger is my fuel.
260
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,300
Punch me out when you leave.
261
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,100
I've got a 1:00 rant
scheduled at the DMV.
262
00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:31,367
Then I'm gonna
hang out on Main
263
00:09:31,434 --> 00:09:32,801
and yell
at passing cabbies.
264
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,601
You believe that lady I, uh...
265
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,067
took out last night?
266
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:41,501
She charged me the same rate
she charges NBA players.
267
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:42,934
Love to
commiserate, Dad,
268
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,367
but I'm still upset
about you using up
269
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:47,300
all the hot water
this morning.
270
00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:49,701
It's harder to reach
those hard-to-reach places.
271
00:09:49,767 --> 00:09:51,701
Besides, what happened
to my saint-like stature?
272
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,367
It went the way
of our crushed toilet.
273
00:09:53,434 --> 00:09:54,801
Dad, we need to talk
to you about...
274
00:09:54,868 --> 00:09:56,501
Yo. Don't bogart
the cruncharoos.
275
00:09:56,567 --> 00:09:57,901
Ohh...
276
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,734
But I wanted
the toy whistle inside.
277
00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:06,367
(whistling):
You, you, you!
278
00:10:06,434 --> 00:10:07,934
It's always about you!
279
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,000
(gagging)
280
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:11,667
Have a little consideration
for me!
281
00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:13,200
I'm the freak of nature here.
282
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:16,400
Are you? Are you really?
283
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,234
That's it.
284
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:20,868
I'm going to the office.
285
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,133
(grunting and cursing)
286
00:10:27,634 --> 00:10:30,801
What the hell are
you staring at?!
287
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:31,834
(tires screeching)
288
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:34,667
Aah!
289
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:38,167
Whew!
290
00:10:38,234 --> 00:10:39,901
Well, here's my turn.
291
00:10:39,968 --> 00:10:41,300
The safe driver
always signals.
292
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:44,300
(yelling and screaming)
293
00:10:44,367 --> 00:10:45,434
(bell rings)
294
00:10:47,901 --> 00:10:49,834
(angry muttering)
295
00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:02,467
(grunting and cursing)
296
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:08,567
Hello.
Sorry I'm late.
297
00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:09,901
Didn't quite
get your name.
298
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:15,734
Ix-nay on the pig-Latin.
299
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,100
Who's the occidental
tourist?
300
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,000
He's all-star
fork ball pitcher
301
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:21,267
and rookie sensation
Nomo Wontdoshow.
302
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,133
He's willing to pay us
five million yen
303
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,300
to find out who's stealing
his emery boards.
304
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:27,067
Duckman, perhaps
if you wait outs...
305
00:11:27,133 --> 00:11:28,067
Nonsense. How-do?
306
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,067
Name's Duckman.
307
00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:30,267
Private dick.
Always like to do
308
00:11:30,334 --> 00:11:31,601
the meet and greet with
new clients myself,
309
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,133
you know, press the
flesh and grab the gab
310
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,734
then let my intern here
take over the detail work.
311
00:11:34,801 --> 00:11:36,501
Your offer of 5,000 pesos
is amusing.
312
00:11:36,567 --> 00:11:38,300
Lets us know
you're a hard bargainer.
313
00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:40,868
Not only is he not understanding
a word you're saying,
314
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,767
but you're crushing
his priceless arm.
315
00:11:52,934 --> 00:11:55,000
Ah! Ooh! Ouch! Ugh!
316
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,667
Wants to think it over, huh?
317
00:11:56,734 --> 00:11:58,434
Skittish sort, but I think...
318
00:11:58,501 --> 00:11:59,634
Duckman, I think...
319
00:11:59,701 --> 00:12:01,300
I think you should take
a leave of absence.
320
00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:03,701
What?! Why?
321
00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:04,934
You're no longer
performing
322
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,133
at your usual mediocre
level of competence.
323
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,968
Look, do I have
to remind you
324
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:11,033
what it says
on our office door?
325
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,167
"We've moved.
326
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,667
Forward all
credit inquiries to..."
327
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:15,667
Under that!
328
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:17,067
Duckman Detective Agency.
329
00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:19,234
Not Cornfed, not Corn Pone,
330
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,067
not Cornacious J....
331
00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:24,033
(muttering)
332
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,000
I'm sorry, Duckman.
Take some time off.
333
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:28,467
You have to stop growing
and the only way to do that
334
00:12:28,534 --> 00:12:30,667
is to stop
your ranting and griping,
335
00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:32,634
your interminable complaining
336
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:33,634
and constant
childlike whin...
337
00:12:33,701 --> 00:12:34,701
(clears throat):
I mean, you have
338
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:36,467
to change your temperament.
339
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:38,000
You're right.
340
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,767
I'll, uh, I'll go now.
341
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:48,300
Be a dear
and drag me by my feet.
342
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,501
Hey, down in front.
343
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,834
Quiet, you
bellyaching munchkin!
344
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:00,534
(self-conscious laugh)
345
00:13:00,601 --> 00:13:02,934
Oopsie. Remember,
Daddy's not allowed
346
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,534
to gripe or rant anymore.
347
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:06,067
It causes him to grow and grow
348
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:08,334
and that makes his life
even more unbearable.
349
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:14,267
Hmm! Duckman,
are there any chips left?
350
00:13:14,334 --> 00:13:16,200
I'll check the
kitchen, Bernice.
351
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:20,400
(screaming)
352
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,133
You stupid bi...
353
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,334
(laughing)
354
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,434
That's okay.
355
00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:28,434
Accidents happen.
356
00:13:28,501 --> 00:13:29,567
Dinner ready soon?
357
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:32,234
Not for you, big turd!
358
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,067
(laughing)
359
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:34,901
That's it!
360
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:35,934
I'll teach you!
361
00:13:44,534 --> 00:13:46,567
(laughing)
362
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:47,934
Come back here, you ugly...
363
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,100
(breaking wind)
364
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:51,467
You! I've had quite enough
365
00:13:51,534 --> 00:13:53,400
of your sassy back talk,
young lady.
366
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:54,934
(breaking wind)
367
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:57,367
Oh, man!
368
00:13:57,434 --> 00:13:59,234
What have you
been eating?
369
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:01,033
Shut up, all of you!
370
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,667
Look what you guys did!
371
00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,100
You just made me grow
another two feet.
372
00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,200
I ought to...
373
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:06,534
(laughing hysterically)
374
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:07,801
What am I doing?
375
00:14:07,868 --> 00:14:08,968
Stop ranting.
376
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:10,367
It's only going to
make me grow more.
377
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,601
Okay, okay, I'll stop ranting,
I'll stop ranting.
378
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:13,000
Just shut up!
Don't yell at me.
379
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:14,400
I'm only telling...
Telling me what?!
380
00:14:16,901 --> 00:14:17,667
(screams)
381
00:14:17,734 --> 00:14:19,501
Dad, you look weird.
382
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,200
Look weird?
Listen, punk, I'm...
383
00:14:22,501 --> 00:14:24,300
Yow! What the..?
384
00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:26,767
Down in front.
385
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:28,067
Shut up!
386
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,200
I've got enough...
387
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:31,734
(screaming)
388
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,634
(panting)
389
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:38,701
(yelling)
390
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,067
Duckman, you've
been ranting again,
391
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,234
haven't you?
392
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,267
Eh... no!
393
00:14:46,334 --> 00:14:48,334
I suspected
things might come to this,
394
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,167
given your phenomenal lack of
will power and self-discipline.
395
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:53,100
Cornfed, I tried, really I did.
396
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:54,534
There's just no place
in this house
397
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:55,667
or anywhere in this city
398
00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:57,167
for a height-advantaged guy
like myself.
399
00:14:57,234 --> 00:14:58,834
I can't keep growing
like this,
400
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:01,267
but I can't stop griping
because everything sucks!
401
00:15:03,267 --> 00:15:06,133
Ah... everything's succulent.
402
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,534
See? It's no use.
403
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:09,801
I'm now my own worst enemy.
404
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,400
I'm number two, so I try harder.
405
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:15,901
Cornfed, there's no place left
for me in this world.
406
00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:18,334
There's only one thing
for me to do.
407
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,000
Right. I'll get you a gun.
408
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:23,300
What? I meant
I have to go into exile.
409
00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:24,467
Get me a gun?
410
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:27,334
Er, to take with you into exile.
411
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,534
Oh. Yeah. Thanks, buddy.
412
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,100
Phew.
413
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:37,400
Well, gang,
414
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:38,968
your pappy's off to exile.
415
00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:40,601
Boys, there comes a time
416
00:15:40,667 --> 00:15:43,868
when every man must pass
on to his sons
417
00:15:43,934 --> 00:15:46,133
the knowledge he's accumulated
over his lifetime.
418
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,801
(inhales deeply)
419
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:50,100
There is nothing...
420
00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:51,667
nothing...
421
00:15:51,734 --> 00:15:54,234
ointment won't cure.
422
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:56,267
Well, that's it.
Might want to write
it down somewhere.
423
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:58,868
Corny, you ready?
424
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:02,901
So long, boys.
425
00:16:02,968 --> 00:16:05,000
Charles.
426
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,901
Mambo.
427
00:16:06,968 --> 00:16:08,467
Ajax.
428
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,501
(screaming followed by thud)
429
00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:13,167
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
430
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,901
(ship's horn blowing)
431
00:16:17,968 --> 00:16:19,567
(sniffing)
432
00:16:19,634 --> 00:16:21,434
Couldn't you have
gotten us a barge
433
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:22,801
without any garbage on it?
434
00:16:22,868 --> 00:16:24,200
Uh... no.
435
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:25,667
They were out of them.
436
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,934
Bastards! Oh, well.
437
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,400
The only thing to do
438
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:30,300
is turn this into an adventure.
439
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:31,934
* Farewell and adieu *
440
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,133
* To you fair Spanish ladies *
441
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,334
* Farewell and adieu *
442
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,067
* To you ladies of Spain *
443
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:39,067
(with Cornfed):
* For we've received orders *
444
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,100
* For to sail back to Boston *
445
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,033
(voices fading):
* And so nevermore
shall we see you again *
446
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,534
* Farewell and adieu
to you fair... *
447
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:49,534
* For we've received orders
for to sail back... *
448
00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:51,534
Hey! Land ho!
449
00:16:51,601 --> 00:16:53,200
Thank God.
450
00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:57,734
Say, pretty nice.
451
00:16:57,801 --> 00:16:59,567
Over here's some sand.
452
00:16:59,634 --> 00:17:02,100
Oh, and look--
over there's some more sand.
453
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:03,300
(laughing):
I love it.
454
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:05,033
It's so... sandy.
455
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:07,767
(crying)
456
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:12,901
I can't lie to you.
457
00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:14,100
It's lonely.
458
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,434
I'm scared, Corny.
459
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:16,901
Hold me.
460
00:17:16,968 --> 00:17:18,434
Duckman, it'll hurt less
461
00:17:18,501 --> 00:17:19,901
if we make it quick.
462
00:17:19,968 --> 00:17:22,801
That's what I said
to that lady last weekend.
463
00:17:22,868 --> 00:17:24,567
I think I'll go now.
464
00:17:24,634 --> 00:17:25,767
Good luck, Duckman.
465
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:27,634
I'll keep your files organized.
466
00:17:27,701 --> 00:17:30,901
So long, partner.
467
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,968
(ship's horn blowing)
468
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,868
I had files?
469
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:40,501
So long, world.
470
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:43,200
Physically and mentally unfit
for life within society,
471
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,534
I cast myself out.
472
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:46,534
Here, alone, I shall live
473
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,534
and here shall I die.
474
00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:50,868
(sighs)
475
00:17:50,934 --> 00:17:53,534
Here I have a world
with nothing to protest.
476
00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:55,400
Maybe this is best for me.
477
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:57,868
Perchance I nestle
in the embrace of madness,
478
00:17:57,934 --> 00:18:01,534
but suddenly, finally,
I am at peace.
479
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:13,434
(ship's horn blowing)
480
00:18:15,033 --> 00:18:16,300
He's coming back--
481
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:17,534
old what's-his-name in the suit,
482
00:18:17,601 --> 00:18:18,634
but why's he coming?
483
00:18:18,701 --> 00:18:19,801
Maybe he's gonna
hit me up for money.
484
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:21,167
Ah! That's it!
485
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,734
The bastard's probably
out peddling subscriptions.
486
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:25,467
Must build crude weapon.
487
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:34,167
Something strange about him.
488
00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:40,968
D'wah! Geez! Cornfed!
489
00:18:41,033 --> 00:18:42,434
I'm honored that
you took up my role
490
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:43,667
of ranting against the world,
491
00:18:43,734 --> 00:18:45,067
but don't you think
you overdid it?
492
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:46,968
Hey, if you're thinking
that you're now
493
00:18:47,033 --> 00:18:48,834
gonna live here with me,
think again!
494
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:49,834
Duckman, you have...
495
00:18:49,901 --> 00:18:50,934
Just turn that stupendous
496
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,734
stink schooner of yours
right around.
497
00:18:52,801 --> 00:18:54,067
Find your own island
498
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,767
where you can live
by your weird pig rules,
499
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,667
drive your own little pig cars,
and dance to your pig records.
500
00:18:58,734 --> 00:19:00,667
Duckman, it's not I
who's become large.
501
00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:02,667
It's you who's grown
small, very small.
502
00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:05,133
This barren island is devoid
of any reference point,
503
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,734
so there was no way for you to
know your size was changing.
504
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:09,400
I'm... I'm small?
505
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:10,834
But why? How?
506
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:13,067
Through extensive medical
research, I discovered
507
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:15,067
that there's a flip side
to your blood condition.
508
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,267
Without human contact,
509
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:18,100
without an emotional bond
with other people,
510
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,634
your blood turns
cold and dormant,
511
00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,200
your hormone levels decelerate
512
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:23,567
and you begin to shrink,
eventually to nothingness.
513
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:25,767
Duckman, if you stay here,
you will die.
514
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:27,334
But if I go back
to civilization,
515
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,367
I'll just keep growing
until I die that way, too.
516
00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:30,767
What sort of
choice is that?
517
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:32,067
It isn't fair!
518
00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:35,734
You know, that hurt more
than I would have expected.
519
00:19:35,801 --> 00:19:37,834
Duckman, maybe you could learn
to balance your life--
520
00:19:37,901 --> 00:19:40,334
offsetting your aversion to
society with your need for it
521
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:41,834
and, even if you
can't learn that,
522
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:44,234
wouldn't you prefer being around
people who care about you?
523
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,200
People who've
missed you?
524
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,534
Your boys, Ber... me.
525
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:49,033
There's a lot waiting
for you back there,
526
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:52,033
including a hot shower which,
frankly, you could really use.
527
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,534
Hey, Corny, it's working.
528
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:56,167
'Cause of contact with you,
I'm growing!
529
00:19:56,934 --> 00:19:57,868
Cool!
530
00:19:57,934 --> 00:19:59,100
So, here's what we'll do.
531
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:00,434
I'll keep living here,
and every so often,
532
00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:02,334
you can come and visit me
and stay for a day...
533
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,567
or maybe just for 20 minutes.
I think that'd be enough.
534
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,400
Kidding!
'Course I'll go back with you.
535
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:11,467
Hey, I'm back to normal--
all of me.
536
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:14,534
Uh-h-h...
537
00:20:14,601 --> 00:20:17,067
Hey, hey, this is much
smaller than originally.
538
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,634
(laughing):
Honest. I swear.
539
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,234
Yes, I'm sure.
540
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,100
Hey, let's get out of here,
Cornfed.
541
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:24,300
A world without people
isn't a world at all.
542
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:26,067
Besides, this place is
just too damn sandy!
543
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:29,100
Cornfed, tell me of the world.
544
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,033
Have my sons
grown strong and sturdy?
545
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,601
Do people now wear
aluminum clothing?
546
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,534
Has man finally colonized
the red planet?
547
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,701
Duckman, you've only
been gone eight days.
548
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:37,901
Oh.
549
00:20:37,968 --> 00:20:40,234
Well, how was I supposed
to know that?
550
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:43,601
It's not like I had a calendar
with me, okay, smart guy?
551
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:46,934
Okay, Mr. Filofax-day runner-
digital-electronic-organizer.
552
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,701
That's it!
Turn this sludge scow around!
553
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:49,901
I tried holding it in.
554
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,601
I tried being reasonable,
but I can't!
555
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,334
Not with comments like that!
556
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,100
Not with the world just waiting
to jump down my throat!
557
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,767
Duckman, look--
you're ranting
558
00:20:57,834 --> 00:20:58,767
but you're not growing.
559
00:20:58,834 --> 00:20:59,868
What were you
just eating?
560
00:20:59,934 --> 00:21:02,267
I don't know--
pizza crust, some old clams,
561
00:21:02,334 --> 00:21:04,033
motor oil-- 40 weight,
I'm guessing.
562
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,601
That unique combination must be
563
00:21:05,667 --> 00:21:06,934
the antidote
for your blood condition.
564
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,334
Duckman, you're cured.
565
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,501
You can return home
566
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,434
without having to worry
about growing again.
567
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:12,601
Course, you've still learned
568
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:14,267
a lesson about balancing
various aspects...
569
00:21:14,334 --> 00:21:16,067
I didn't hear
a word after "cured"!
570
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,667
The duck is back
571
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:21,434
and, boy, do I have a list of
things I'm p.o.'d about now!
572
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:22,934
Corny, let us
celebrate my recovery
573
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,601
by singing another sea chantey.
574
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:28,767
* Show me the way to go home *
575
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:32,434
* I'm tired and I want
to go to bed *
576
00:21:32,501 --> 00:21:35,434
* I had some motor oil
about a minute ago *
577
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:38,000
* And it's gone
right to my head *
578
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:39,033
Yeah!
579
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:41,234
* Wherever I may roam *
580
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,234
* By land or sea or foam *
581
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:48,434
* You can always hear me
singing this song *
582
00:21:48,501 --> 00:21:51,567
* Show me the way to go home. *
583
00:22:34,968 --> 00:22:37,701
Another day, another 12 inches.
40224
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