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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:03,033
(door creaks open)
2
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:11,067
(whistles)
3
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:37,400
(quacks)
4
00:00:38,467 --> 00:00:40,400
(engines droning)
5
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:47,934
Well, Jimmy, I bet
6
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,234
I know which bedtime story
you'd like to hear tonight.
7
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:54,067
Duckman! Duckman! Duckman!
8
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:57,400
What the hell
are you staring at?
9
00:00:57,467 --> 00:00:58,834
He's funny.
10
00:00:58,901 --> 00:01:01,033
And educational.
11
00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:04,667
Hard to believe,
but there was once
12
00:01:04,734 --> 00:01:06,501
a time when Duckman
was virtually ignored
13
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,801
by the general public,
which had not yet discovered
14
00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:10,300
the brilliance
of his complex,
15
00:01:10,367 --> 00:01:12,634
moral-laden misadventures.
16
00:01:12,701 --> 00:01:14,801
Sadly, most of those people
became sterile
17
00:01:14,868 --> 00:01:16,300
from years
of watching Larry King,
18
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,567
but that's another story.
19
00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:22,100
Ah, here's an old favorite.
20
00:01:24,934 --> 00:01:27,868
"Once upon a time, there was
a clinically insane duck
21
00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,868
"and his monotonic pig partner.
22
00:01:29,934 --> 00:01:32,868
Apparently, it was justanother day at the office."
23
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:34,868
Duckman, have I ever hurt you?
Shamed you?
24
00:01:34,934 --> 00:01:37,934
Caused you great pain,
suffering and/or humiliation?
25
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,467
No more than anyone else,
Cornilicious. Why?
26
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,367
No reason.
Quit trembling,
Corny!
27
00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:45,200
A few more hems and haws
and my latest kramdenesque
moneymaking scheme
28
00:01:45,267 --> 00:01:47,400
will be unleashed upon the
flesh-craving public:
29
00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:49,200
"Fashions by Duckman."
30
00:01:49,267 --> 00:01:53,200
'Cause no one knows what a man
likes better than another man.
31
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:54,834
Well, you know
what I mean.
32
00:01:54,901 --> 00:01:57,100
And now, the cr�mede la r�sistance.
33
00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:59,300
"D" cells inserted
into the "D" cups
34
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:01,100
to keep things
de-sirable,
35
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,100
not to mention
stimulating.
36
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:04,434
Duckman, this isn't
a good...
37
00:02:04,501 --> 00:02:05,767
grin... idea.
(buzzing)
38
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,701
People, even women...
chuckle.
(buzzing)
39
00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,501
May find this somewhat...
(buzzing)
40
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:12,234
titillation... offensive.
41
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,901
Relief.
42
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,901
I'm sorry, Duckman, but as
the only person in town
43
00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:17,767
not currently in
litigation against you,
44
00:02:17,834 --> 00:02:20,400
I must warn you that this
outfit is lewd, sexist,
45
00:02:20,467 --> 00:02:23,167
and worst of all,
it makes me look fat.
46
00:02:23,234 --> 00:02:26,834
Pu-lease. When the babe-inos
see my creations on TV tonight,
47
00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:28,834
they'll snatch 'em up faster
than my dedicated team
48
00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:31,734
of highly paid professionals
can slap 'em together.
49
00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:33,601
Hey-hey!
No break-ee, Charlie.
50
00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:35,267
Just one question:
How do you plan
51
00:02:35,334 --> 00:02:37,000
to get these garments
on TV tonight?
52
00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:38,400
Like all the great
designers do.
53
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,400
Go to some local disaster
and hawk them on camera
54
00:02:40,467 --> 00:02:42,801
when those heartless, immoral
media maggots show up.
55
00:02:42,868 --> 00:02:45,667
But how can you guarantee
there'll be a local disaster?
56
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:49,267
(sustained evil laughter)
57
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,434
(siren wailing)
58
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:57,167
Burn, baby, burn.
59
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,200
Yeah, yeah, lucky
it's just a boring,
60
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,601
old, abandoned
warehouse.
61
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:02,934
Guess again, beak boy.
62
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,767
That's the old
abandoned warehouse.
63
00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,601
This is the fine
arts museum that--
64
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:08,067
due to NEA budget cuts--
65
00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:10,567
merely looks like an old,
abandoned warehouse.
66
00:03:10,634 --> 00:03:12,467
Oh, no! No!
Was anybody hurt?
67
00:03:12,534 --> 00:03:13,634
Was anybody killed?
68
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:15,567
More important, were
there any witnesses?
69
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:18,000
Relax, the volunteer
fire department's got
70
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:19,567
everything under control--
71
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:22,167
although the stress may
be getting to the chief.
72
00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:27,167
I didn't have
time to change.
73
00:03:27,234 --> 00:03:28,167
I can't believe it.
74
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:29,634
In my reckless lust
for an audience,
75
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:31,133
I've risked humiliating
my family,
76
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,734
caused millions of dollars
in damage,
77
00:03:32,801 --> 00:03:34,133
placed countless lives
in danger,
78
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,300
but like them Buttafuocos say,
79
00:03:36,367 --> 00:03:38,868
"Ain't no such thing
as bad publicity."
80
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:39,868
(clearing throat)
81
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:40,934
(grunts)
82
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,133
Ladies, I'm standing here,
83
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,801
in front of some
smokey holocaust or whatever,
84
00:03:44,868 --> 00:03:46,267
to introduce
"Fashions by Duckman."
85
00:03:46,334 --> 00:03:49,467
Whether you're putting out fires
or starting one of your own,
86
00:03:49,534 --> 00:03:51,968
there's nothing hotter than
our sexy springtime ensemble.
87
00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:54,434
Here we see Cornfed wearing
the revolutionary brassiere,
88
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:58,267
which forms cleavage not only
in front but also in back.
89
00:03:58,334 --> 00:04:00,968
MOTHER:
"Duckman's vaguely satanicfashion show
90
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,534
"captured a larger audiencethan the Mars landing
91
00:04:03,601 --> 00:04:05,434
"and the Major DadReunion
combined.
92
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,467
"This, of course,led to the shot heard
93
00:04:07,534 --> 00:04:08,968
round the world."
94
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,033
Duckman, you
animated sweat stain!
95
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:14,701
I was happily enjoying
Australian rules
step aerobics
96
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:17,100
when it was preempted
by your felony of the week.
97
00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,367
You have any idea
98
00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:21,267
how belittled your fashion
freak show makes women feel?!
99
00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:22,767
Boo friggin' hoo!
100
00:04:22,834 --> 00:04:24,100
Like I'm supposed
to take women
101
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:25,767
and how they
feel seriously?
102
00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,434
You want to be accepted
for your minds,
103
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,033
but you throw
a hissy fit royale
104
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,601
if someone isn't saying
you look great 30 hours a day.
105
00:04:31,667 --> 00:04:33,033
You say you want a nice guy,
106
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:34,868
but you only give it up
to the creeps.
107
00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:38,033
You get to stay home,
not go to war, live longer
108
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:39,667
and have sex whenever you want.
109
00:04:39,734 --> 00:04:41,000
So remind me again.
110
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:43,801
Exactly what is there
to complain about?!
111
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,801
Men! You say
we're irrational,
112
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:48,133
buy at least we think with
the head on our shoulders.
113
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,467
Left to yourselves,
114
00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:51,567
you'd have blown up years ago
from a horrific blend
115
00:04:51,634 --> 00:04:54,567
of gunpowder, diesel fuel
and Aqua Velva.
116
00:04:54,634 --> 00:04:55,834
Your idea of commitment
117
00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:58,801
is not yelling someone else's
name during sex!
118
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,634
MOTHER:
"And then something strangehappened.
119
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,167
You know, honey,
she's got a point.
120
00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:05,501
And another thing--
121
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:07,367
you never share your
innermost feelings.
122
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:09,501
It's always sex,
sports and pizza.
123
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:11,901
But those are my
innermost feelings.
124
00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:13,467
If you don't start thinking
about your feelings,
125
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:14,901
I'll scream!
126
00:05:14,968 --> 00:05:17,467
If you don't stop thinking
about your feelings,
127
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:18,701
I'll scream!
128
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:19,934
I hate you!
I hate you!
129
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,334
I have always hated you!
130
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,334
No one could hate me
worse than I hate you.
131
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,000
Your mother was right!
I should have...
132
00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:26,467
(voices trail off)
133
00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:28,634
MOTHER:
"Something about Duckmanand Bernice
134
00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,934
"struck a chord withinthe country's consciousness.
135
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,767
"Maybe it wasthe tenor of society,
136
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:35,167
"some primal awakeningof the human psyche.
137
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:37,667
"Maybe it was just the cheapand barely believable device
138
00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:39,400
"of a desperate writer,
139
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:42,100
"but whatever detente existedin the battle of the sexes
140
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,434
"went the way
of the dodo bird
141
00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:45,634
the Edsel and
professional baseball."
142
00:05:45,701 --> 00:05:47,801
Professional what ball?
143
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:50,467
An even sadder story,
Jimmy. Anyway...
144
00:05:50,534 --> 00:05:53,934
"The Duckman-Bernicecontroversy swept the country.
145
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,434
"Breakups and divorcesskyrocketed,
146
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:56,934
"and things got so out of hand,
147
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,267
they had to be settledin the U.S. Senate."
148
00:05:59,334 --> 00:06:01,534
Without us,
you wouldn't have anyone
149
00:06:01,601 --> 00:06:03,400
to fix your flats,
find your G-spots
150
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,834
or tell you
you're not fat...
151
00:06:04,901 --> 00:06:06,968
which, uh,
by the way, you are!
152
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,067
(all gasp)
153
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:09,434
All right! Yeah!
154
00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:11,100
Without us, you
wouldn't have anyone
155
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:13,901
to clean your wounds,
to pick out your socks
or tell you your...
156
00:06:13,968 --> 00:06:15,801
Uh... feet...
157
00:06:15,868 --> 00:06:16,968
...are huge.
158
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:19,601
Which, by the way,
they're not!
159
00:06:19,667 --> 00:06:20,767
(all gasp)
160
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:22,100
Yeah! That's right!
161
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,801
Well, if living with us
genitally challenged bogeymen
162
00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,200
is such a sucky thing,
163
00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:28,467
maybe you should just
go live by yourselves!
164
00:06:28,534 --> 00:06:29,400
Maybe we will!
165
00:06:29,467 --> 00:06:30,033
Fine!
166
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:30,868
Fine!
167
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:31,701
Fine!
168
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:32,534
Fine!
169
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,901
(all yelling)
170
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,901
(glass shattering)
171
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,734
(yelling and screaming
continues)
172
00:06:44,801 --> 00:06:46,601
"And so it camethat men and women
173
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,501
"could no longer live together,and the nation
174
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,167
"was divided in half.
175
00:06:52,534 --> 00:06:56,033
"The East, known for culture,went to the women;
176
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:59,901
"the West, known for cattle,went to the men.
177
00:06:59,968 --> 00:07:02,634
"People were neededto guard the border--
178
00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:05,234
"those who weresexually confused.
179
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,834
(both screaming)
180
00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:14,100
"Throughout the country,there was shock
181
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:17,267
"as people realizedthere was no turning back.
182
00:07:17,334 --> 00:07:18,267
"And, as always,
183
00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:20,200
it's the children who suffer."
184
00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:21,200
(sobbing)
185
00:07:21,267 --> 00:07:22,834
"Painful as it was,
186
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,767
"mothers said good-byeto their sons,
187
00:07:25,834 --> 00:07:29,400
fathers farewellto their daughters."
188
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,667
Hear ye, hear ye!
189
00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:34,901
Two minutes until the
closing of the gate.
190
00:07:38,634 --> 00:07:40,100
I want you
boys to know
191
00:07:40,167 --> 00:07:41,901
that I'll always
love you.
192
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:44,267
It's not your fault
you were born...
193
00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:45,601
that way.
194
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:46,834
But, Aunt Bernice,
195
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:48,334
if you go to
the other side,
196
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,834
you'll be
leaving us with...
197
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:51,901
Turn off them
waterworks, chill'uns.
198
00:07:51,968 --> 00:07:53,901
I'll give you
the love and guidance
199
00:07:53,968 --> 00:07:55,234
you've never
gotten before.
200
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,734
But first,
here's five bucks.
201
00:07:56,801 --> 00:07:58,234
Go buy me some
beer and bullets.
202
00:07:58,968 --> 00:08:00,501
And bandages!
203
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:04,567
Are you sure
you're a woman?
204
00:08:04,634 --> 00:08:06,868
No penis for me, thanks.
205
00:08:06,934 --> 00:08:08,400
Yes, this
isn't Ajax.
206
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:11,234
It's, uh, my
niece, Ajaxina.
207
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,000
Duckman, please.
208
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:15,667
The twins can fend
for themselves,
209
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:17,400
but I've got to
take Ajax with me.
210
00:08:17,467 --> 00:08:19,133
Who's going to feed
him, clothe him,
211
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,367
remind him to blink
and swallow?
212
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,934
Me. I'm going
to look after him
213
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,601
as if he were
my own son.
214
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:26,133
Thanks, Dad.
215
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,200
(in unison):
The gate is now closing.
216
00:08:32,901 --> 00:08:35,234
I guess
there's nothing
left to say...
217
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,934
Except...
218
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,901
Good-bye.
219
00:08:40,801 --> 00:08:42,567
Hasta la vista, babies.
220
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:45,334
Don't let the gate hit
your butts on the way out.
221
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,334
(cheering)
222
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,567
Never forget.
223
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:49,567
We're men, and men
are stronger, smarter
224
00:08:49,634 --> 00:08:51,868
and self-sufficienter
than women.
225
00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:53,634
We're not just homo sapiens,
226
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,534
we're homos...
227
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,133
uh, superior.
228
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,133
Yes, we're going
to make it after all,
229
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,133
and we don't need women!
230
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,801
(cheering)
231
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:07,601
Honey,
have you seen my shoes?
232
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:08,601
(screaming)
233
00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:20,734
Banishment of women,
arson, electroshock bras?
234
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:24,100
Mom, how come Duckman seems
more kindhearted than usual?
235
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:26,601
This is one of the early
Duckman stories, Jimmy.
236
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,534
He didn't blossom
into a full-blown psychotic
237
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:29,534
until much later.
238
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:30,901
Back in the old days,
239
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:32,934
Duckman didn't even
say (bleep).
240
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,767
No (bleep) way.
241
00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:35,901
(bleep) yes.
242
00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:37,567
But let's keep
reading, sweetie.
243
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:39,234
"The iron door swung shut,
244
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:42,734
"and the separation of thesexes was now complete.
245
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:44,100
"The men were tentative--
246
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,367
suddenly fearfulof their newfound freedom."
247
00:09:46,434 --> 00:09:47,367
I'm horny.
248
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:48,367
I'm hungry.
249
00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:50,133
Anyone know how to cook?
250
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:51,300
I made pancakes once.
251
00:09:51,367 --> 00:09:52,667
The stove exploded.
252
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,334
No, wait-- that was an episode
of Home Improvement.
253
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,467
(others laugh)
254
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,334
"But one personwas completely happy."
255
00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,767
This is the life.
256
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:01,334
No more nagging
from Bernice.
257
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,667
No more having to bathe.
258
00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:04,501
No more awkward moments
getting caught urinating
259
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,601
on the neighbor lady's
car tires.
260
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,734
What? It's a natural
human urge.
261
00:10:08,801 --> 00:10:10,167
Come on, loosen up.
262
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:12,033
Shed that dried-up,
button-down exterior.
263
00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:13,534
Get rid of that damn tie.
264
00:10:13,601 --> 00:10:15,133
(grunting)
265
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,334
Won't come... unclipped.
266
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,033
It's as if it's tied
around your neck.
267
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:22,434
You know, Duckman, I agree
with something you said.
268
00:10:22,501 --> 00:10:23,367
(gasping)
269
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:25,100
This could be truly liberating.
270
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,033
Maybe this is the springtime
of our souls.
271
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:28,434
The birth of a new ethos.
272
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:31,434
An opportunity to let
our inner selves shine forth.
273
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:34,534
I feel naked.
274
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:35,701
Exactly.
275
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,033
Hey, everyone, look at me--
I'm naked.
276
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,000
Come on, everyone get naked.
277
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,133
Whee!
278
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:43,801
ALL:
Whee!
279
00:10:43,868 --> 00:10:45,033
(laughing)
280
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:49,133
"At first, the womenwere also unsure.
281
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,467
Why hasn't he called?
282
00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:53,033
I knew he didn't
really love me.
283
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:56,234
Who can I play
mind games on now?
284
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:58,234
How am I supposed to spend
my evenings
285
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:01,601
without tragically abusive
one-night stands?
286
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:02,934
(angry shouting)
287
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,934
Wait! Stop!
288
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,434
We didn't win our freedom
from men overnight.
289
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:09,901
It was a long, hard battle,
you hear me?
290
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:12,334
Long and hard!
291
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:15,734
Okay, bad choice of words.
292
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,067
The butch chick is right.
293
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:19,067
We've earned our freedom.
294
00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:21,100
(cheering)
295
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:25,300
"By the end of that first week,the women were ecstatic.
296
00:11:27,501 --> 00:11:30,434
"The men exhilarated.
(air hissing)
297
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:34,234
"The women soon hadtheir own restaurants.
298
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,934
"The men theirs.
299
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,801
(men shouting and hooting,
glass breaking)
300
00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:47,734
"Certain movies were popularon the women's side.
301
00:11:47,801 --> 00:11:49,667
"And others on the men's.
302
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:53,934
"Of course, one thing stillthrivedon both sides.
303
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,801
"Yes, everyone was happyand fulfilled.
304
00:11:57,868 --> 00:11:59,300
"Bernice settled comfortably
305
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:01,634
into a housewith eight girlfriends."
306
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:04,300
Chocolate blackout cake
for breakfast?
307
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,100
Isn't that fattening?
308
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:08,100
ALL:
Who cares?
309
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:10,667
(laughing)
310
00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:13,167
"While the men's leaderssettled into a handsome home
311
00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:16,033
designed and builtby Duckman himself."
312
00:12:17,734 --> 00:12:19,100
(tires squealing)
313
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:21,234
Wow! Check out
that hog!
314
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,033
Top of the morning,
Corn-Guy.
315
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,200
You know, I was just
thinking-- to the extent
316
00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:30,300
my around-the-clock drunkenness
allows me to think--
317
00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:32,634
we should have done this whole
separation of the sexes thing
318
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:34,634
years ago-- specifically
three years ago,
319
00:12:34,701 --> 00:12:36,100
before all those
sperm-in-the-reservoir
320
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:37,534
paternity suits
I had to settle.
321
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:39,934
Thanks to you, I still
can't drink tap water.
322
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,434
It's amazing how things
got so good so fast,
323
00:12:42,501 --> 00:12:44,634
but where there's a will,
there's a way.
324
00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:47,200
'Course when Betty here is
willing, there's several ways.
325
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,601
(screams)
326
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:51,234
I have to admit, these past few
weeks have been liberating.
327
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:53,234
Now that I'm free
from the constant distractions
328
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,801
of women salivating
over my macho intensity,
329
00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:58,601
I've discovered a serum
that inhibits the aging process
330
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,133
a formula for infinite energy
331
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,968
and just how good a pair
of chaps can make a man feel.
332
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:07,167
You know, Corn Silk, I can
barely remember the old days
333
00:13:07,234 --> 00:13:09,501
when we lived side by side
with not-men.
334
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:11,000
Life was harder then.
335
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:13,467
It used to take five quarters
to make a dollar, you know.
336
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:16,033
Cars were steam-driven,
as I recall.
337
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,167
(sniffles)
338
00:13:17,234 --> 00:13:19,501
Well, I'm just glad
my kids will grow up
339
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:20,901
with a better life
than I had--
340
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,334
joyful and carefree,
341
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,934
able to enjoy the simple,
342
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,834
innocent pleasures
of boyhood.
343
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,934
(screaming)
(drums pounding)
344
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,000
(grunting)
345
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:38,367
(girls giggling)
346
00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:40,334
Huh?
347
00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:46,234
(giggling continues)
348
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:49,701
(theme from Beethoven's
Pastoral Symphony playing)
349
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:58,033
More. Tell me more.
350
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,501
How did Duckman
screw up next, Mom?
351
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,033
Actually, he didn't.
352
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:05,734
Duckman realized he was wrong,
apologized sincerely and became
353
00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:09,534
the sweetest, most wonderful
person the world has ever known.
354
00:14:09,601 --> 00:14:11,434
(gasps)
355
00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:12,968
I'm sorry, sweetie.
356
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:14,067
Did I scare you?
357
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:15,534
I was just joking.
358
00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:17,367
Of course,
Duckman screwed up
359
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:19,701
and this time with
his own children.
360
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,067
You see, that night,
361
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:23,267
Charles, Mambo and Ajaxwent to report
362
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:25,367
the strange creaturesthey had seen.
363
00:14:25,434 --> 00:14:27,200
They're beautiful, Dad.
364
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:29,634
They're soft
and sweet.
365
00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:32,334
And bullets bounce
right off them.
366
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,367
Wait. No.
367
00:14:33,434 --> 00:14:35,434
That's reinforced steel.
368
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:36,934
And these breasted men,
369
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,968
I suppose they also had wings,
and they were spewing fire.
370
00:14:41,033 --> 00:14:43,701
Begone. Such monsters
do not exist.
371
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:45,133
They weren't monsters.
372
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,501
They were girls.
373
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:48,734
I won't have language
like that in my castle.
374
00:14:48,801 --> 00:14:50,934
Dad, it isn't right to
make us go through life
375
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,734
without a long-term
emotional connection
with a woman.
376
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:56,467
Hey, I never connected for more
than a couple of minutes,
377
00:14:56,534 --> 00:14:57,601
and that's counting time
378
00:14:57,667 --> 00:14:59,067
for the sleeping pill
to knock them out.
379
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:01,467
Trust me, kids, you're better
off without the love cops.
380
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:02,934
We all are.
381
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,334
SPORTSCASTER:
Stay tuned
382
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,234
for our exclusive coverage
of preseason ice basketball
383
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,667
here on CNN,
the all-sports network.
384
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:16,200
Meanwhile, Bernice hadher hands full with the girls.
385
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,767
But, girlfriend Bernice,
they didn't seem like
386
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,167
disgusting
muck-swilling insects.
387
00:15:21,234 --> 00:15:23,033
Girlfriend Emily,
you have much to learn
388
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,634
about the three-legged ones.
389
00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:25,801
Look around you.
390
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:27,601
Without they who
pee standing up,
391
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:28,634
we have truly made
392
00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:30,234
the women's collective
emotional state
393
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,534
a democratic sisterhood
of love, trust,
394
00:15:32,601 --> 00:15:34,934
generosity and kindness.
395
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,367
Can you believe
her hair?
396
00:15:37,434 --> 00:15:39,100
All I see is
a pair of thighs
397
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:41,400
holding up some
overstuffed leotards.
398
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:42,767
(both giggling)
399
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,334
Yes, although men and women
400
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,634
pretended to revelin their newfound freedom
401
00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:51,234
their worlds were falling apart
402
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,534
and soon took on the feel
403
00:15:52,601 --> 00:15:55,534
of an endless, datelessNew Year's Eve.
404
00:15:55,601 --> 00:15:57,200
(film projector whirring)
405
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,734
(wolf howling)
406
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:06,601
But, unknown to the adults,underground bands of youth
407
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:09,734
secretly engagedin forbidden activities.
408
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:11,400
(laughter)
409
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,033
Mmm... mmm...
410
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,267
Weeks passed...
411
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:29,467
and then...
412
00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:31,367
Dad?
Dad?
413
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:32,467
Dad?
414
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,968
DUCKMAN:
Over here, son, by the...
415
00:16:34,033 --> 00:16:35,868
What is this stinking lump
of garbage?
416
00:16:35,934 --> 00:16:36,868
CORNFED:
Hey, ho.
417
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:37,968
(belching)
418
00:16:38,033 --> 00:16:39,934
Dad, we'd like
to brush our teeth.
419
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,901
But we can't find
the toothpaste.
420
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,000
And I can't
find my teeth.
421
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:46,334
Hey, what do you
want toothpaste for?
422
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,834
You plan on using your mouth
for something
423
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:49,834
besides chewing, chugging,
smoking or belching?
424
00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:52,667
ALL:
Why, no, Dad.
425
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:53,968
Well, okay, then.
426
00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:56,033
Girlfriend Bernice,
427
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,100
I wonder
if I could take a bath.
428
00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:00,334
I'm afraid not.
Spiders crawled into the tubs,
429
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,000
and we're all scared to go in.
430
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:04,400
But I thought women
could do everything.
431
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:07,767
We've been astronauts,
heads of state, soldiers...
432
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:08,968
You don't understand, dear.
433
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:11,334
These are spiders.
434
00:17:12,868 --> 00:17:15,234
Why would you want
to take a bath?
435
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,934
Oh, uh, no reason.
436
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,567
None shall pass.
437
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:34,334
Unless you're
a registered hermaphrodite.
438
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,100
Drat, what would Dad do
in a situation like this?
439
00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:42,801
(screaming)
440
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,133
Those scamps
get more like
441
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,234
their father
every day.
442
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,968
(women giggling)
443
00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:06,701
Ajax, would you like
to kiss me?
444
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:07,834
Kiss?
445
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:09,300
What is kiss?
446
00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:12,634
It's when you press your lips
against someone else's.
447
00:18:12,701 --> 00:18:13,834
Lips?
448
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:16,167
What is lips?
449
00:18:33,067 --> 00:18:35,100
BERNICE: Girlfriends,
I think it's time
450
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:37,234
we talked to the men--
451
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,234
uh, for the sake of our
children, of course.
452
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:42,334
(murmurs of agreement)
453
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,634
Well, you know,
454
00:18:43,701 --> 00:18:45,734
maybe we could
just talk to the women--
455
00:18:45,801 --> 00:18:47,534
not 'cause we need to
or anything.
456
00:18:47,601 --> 00:18:49,234
It'd just be for the kids.
457
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:50,534
Oh, yeah.
458
00:18:50,601 --> 00:18:52,267
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yes.
459
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:55,200
(all gasp)
460
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:09,934
So, what the hell
do you want?
461
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,634
What? Listen,
we just want
462
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:13,234
to talk about
our feelings.
463
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,501
What?
464
00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:17,467
Clearly, the riff
between the sexes
465
00:19:17,534 --> 00:19:19,901
has affected your ability
to understand each other.
466
00:19:19,968 --> 00:19:21,701
Allow me to translate.
467
00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:22,901
We missed you.
468
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:24,234
Did you miss us?
469
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,734
Only when we ran
out of batteries,
470
00:19:25,801 --> 00:19:27,734
but then we got
rechargeables.
471
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:30,801
Yes. We were so lonely.
472
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,868
Listen, we don't care
if we ever see
473
00:19:32,934 --> 00:19:34,934
you cellulite
collection plates again.
474
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,834
We've thought about
how terribly we acted,
475
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:38,701
and we're sorry
we hurt you.
476
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,634
Up yours, you bony
bag of buzzard barf!
477
00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:43,467
We accept your apology.
478
00:19:43,534 --> 00:19:46,334
You want to come
crawling back?
479
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,334
We'll let you.
480
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,934
We love you.
481
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:58,067
(all clamoring)
482
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,501
And so, at last,
483
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,534
the wall came down.
484
00:20:12,434 --> 00:20:13,901
(grunting)
485
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:17,200
(screams)
486
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,734
(cheering)
487
00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:23,767
Uh... hi.
488
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,901
So I guess
we're all back together.
489
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:27,400
Yeah.
490
00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:30,000
You know, we only came back
'cause of the kids.
491
00:20:30,067 --> 00:20:31,567
We certainly didn't miss
492
00:20:31,634 --> 00:20:35,367
you balding, beering, boring,
breasts-on-the-brain blowhards.
493
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,567
Yeah, if it wasn't
for those whiny shrimps,
494
00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:39,067
we could have cared less
about a bunch of
495
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:41,968
hairy-lipped-legged-and-lapped
lipo-lovers.
496
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:45,267
("Clair de Lune" playing)
497
00:21:00,234 --> 00:21:02,033
TOGETHER:
Good to have you back.
498
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:04,801
(cheering)
499
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,701
Oh, dear, look
at the time.
500
00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:08,367
Aw, can we read the one
501
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,934
where Duckman becomes
the antichrist?
502
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,667
That's enough
for tonight.
503
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:14,901
Mom, that story's
so incredible.
504
00:21:14,968 --> 00:21:16,501
Did it really happen?
505
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,033
More important, did you
learn something from it?
506
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,400
Something about how
we all need each other?
507
00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:22,834
Are you kidding?
508
00:21:22,901 --> 00:21:25,901
No offense, mom, but boys
don't need anything from girls.
509
00:21:25,968 --> 00:21:27,501
Maybe you're right.
510
00:21:27,567 --> 00:21:28,634
Good night.
511
00:21:28,701 --> 00:21:29,767
Wait.
512
00:21:29,834 --> 00:21:31,467
You forgot my hug.
513
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,234
Maybe I did learn something.
514
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:37,534
Maybe I learned
that we should listen to
515
00:21:37,601 --> 00:21:40,567
and respect everyone whether
they're boys or girls.
516
00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:41,968
That's right, Jimmy--
517
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:44,267
everyone except the Irish.
518
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,901
DUCKMAN:
Look at me! I'm naked!
519
00:22:36,968 --> 00:22:38,067
Whee!
37915
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