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1
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,567
(Duckman moaning)
2
00:00:04,601 --> 00:00:05,601
Where am I?
3
00:00:05,634 --> 00:00:07,100
What's going on?
4
00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,400
Must remember.
5
00:00:08,434 --> 00:00:10,567
(echoing):
Think back...
6
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:15,501
(Duckman moaning)
7
00:00:15,534 --> 00:00:16,501
Where am I?
8
00:00:16,534 --> 00:00:17,801
What's going on?
9
00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:19,267
Must remember.
10
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:20,934
(echoing):
Think back...
11
00:00:20,968 --> 00:00:22,267
Must think back
12
00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:24,367
(echoing):
a little farther...
13
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,767
(Duckman moaning)
14
00:00:28,801 --> 00:00:29,868
Where am I?
15
00:00:29,901 --> 00:00:31,000
What's going on?
16
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,133
Must remember.
17
00:00:32,167 --> 00:00:33,868
(echoing):
Think back...
18
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,234
Must think back
19
00:00:35,267 --> 00:00:37,434
(echoing):
a little farther...
20
00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:39,701
Hmm. Maybe volunteeringfor LSD research
21
00:00:39,734 --> 00:00:41,968
wasn't the best wayout of the Reserves.
22
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,868
Wait!Now it's coming back to me.
23
00:00:43,901 --> 00:00:46,801
I was sitting in my office,and there was this noise--
24
00:00:46,834 --> 00:00:49,567
some kind of static--almost like someone talking.
25
00:00:49,601 --> 00:00:52,167
CORNFED: ...and as I held her in
my arms... (sniffles)
26
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,434
her last breath of life
escaping her lips...
27
00:00:54,467 --> 00:00:56,234
I vowed to keep
Mother's promise
28
00:00:56,267 --> 00:00:58,601
and rededicate myself
to helping humanity.
29
00:00:58,634 --> 00:01:01,901
(snoring)
30
00:01:01,934 --> 00:01:04,567
(blubbering)
Oh! Sorry about that, Corny,
31
00:01:04,601 --> 00:01:06,767
but whenever someone starts off
with "I never felt free
32
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:09,567
to share this with anyone
before" I'm into dial tone.
33
00:01:09,601 --> 00:01:11,634
So, 10:30 a.m.-- time to check
out the casabas
34
00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:13,367
on that fresh peach
working the fruit stand.
35
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:14,434
(intercom buzzes)
FLUFFY:
Mr. Duckman?
36
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:17,234
There's a mysterious
man in a ski mask
37
00:01:17,267 --> 00:01:19,334
who'd like to see you
in the closet
38
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:21,400
at the dark end
of the hall.
39
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:23,300
Huh, sounds innocent enough.
I'm on my way.
40
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:24,634
Well, not literally on my way,
41
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,534
but I'm on the way
to being on my way.
42
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:27,601
Obviously,
I couldn't be on my way
43
00:01:27,634 --> 00:01:29,334
if we're still talking
about me being on the way,
44
00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:31,834
so if you two will quit yapping,
I'll be on my way!
45
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:33,734
Huh. Office help.
46
00:01:33,767 --> 00:01:35,901
(door slams)
I only stay for the dental.
47
00:01:35,934 --> 00:01:37,968
I only stay for the dental.
48
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,100
(Fluffy and Uranus yelling)
49
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,634
FLUFFY:
Mr. Duckman...
50
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,968
why'd you eviscerate us
with a hot curling iron?
51
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,300
It's Tuesday.
52
00:01:45,334 --> 00:01:48,133
Well, let's see.
Hall closet, hall closet...
53
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:49,267
Ah! Here we are.
54
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,934
Welcome, Duckman.
55
00:01:50,968 --> 00:01:52,601
Care for a bubbling blue drink?
56
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:53,934
Oh, grassy-ask.
57
00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:54,934
Wait a minute.
58
00:01:54,968 --> 00:01:56,367
As a detective,
I've spent years
59
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,901
staying alive
on my suspicions.
60
00:01:57,934 --> 00:01:58,901
What's the big idea?
61
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:00,767
You just hang out
in closets all day
62
00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:02,467
offering bubbling blue
drinks to total strangers?
63
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,033
Yes.
I buy it.
64
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,334
Of course, this isn't at all
65
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,601
likeon Rockford Files, where
the industrialist drugged Jim
66
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:09,934
'cause he was the identical
twin of his missing brother.
67
00:02:09,968 --> 00:02:12,000
It's a completely
different episode.
68
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:13,367
Uh-huh.
69
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,133
Well, l'chaim. Oh!
70
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:17,133
You stupid, clumsy,
71
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:19,300
idiotic, brain-dead,
yellow imbecile.
72
00:02:19,334 --> 00:02:21,734
Hey, wait, hold
on there, buddy.
73
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,234
You really think I'm yellow?
74
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:25,300
I've always seen myself
as more a sallow ocher.
75
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:27,167
Here, check the butt feathers.
76
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,200
(groaning)
77
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:36,067
Yow!
78
00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:38,200
Don't kill me, please!
Don't kill me!
79
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:41,000
I can give you things.
I can give you... (gasps)
80
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:44,267
I could sing a little song.
81
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,601
Now, mute.
82
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:50,300
What?
Mute.
83
00:02:50,334 --> 00:02:51,300
(clicks)
84
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:52,934
Aha. Ha.
85
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:54,968
Excuse me, uh, Mr. Madman?
86
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:55,968
You seem upset.
87
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,901
Maybe because I am!
88
00:02:57,934 --> 00:03:00,033
Have you seen the world lately--
I mean really seen it?
89
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,267
The hate, the violence,
the random sex
90
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,267
and debauchery?
91
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,934
Actually, that last one's
escaped my notice.
92
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:07,367
If you could tell me where
exactly to witness...
93
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,501
It's your fault! Yours!
94
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:11,567
We'd already been driven
to the brink of madness
95
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,267
by years of irresponsible
television,
96
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,234
but now, I,
like the rest of the world
97
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,834
have been pushed over the edge
by one series--
98
00:03:17,868 --> 00:03:19,167
Duckman.
99
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:19,667
Yes?
100
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:20,667
Duckman!
101
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,334
Yes?
102
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,334
Duckman!
103
00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:24,667
The series
is called Duckman!
104
00:03:24,701 --> 00:03:27,667
Your life is the most
immoral show of all time.
105
00:03:27,701 --> 00:03:29,767
But even Who's The Boss?
had that one where Tony lied
106
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:31,834
about his bowling score, so
what are you gonna do, hmm?
107
00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:34,801
Wait a minute! You're saying
that I'm a TV show?!
108
00:03:34,834 --> 00:03:37,367
Not that an adult series
about a certain verbal
109
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,567
and rakish drake wouldn't be
fascinating viewing--
110
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:41,734
maybe even get well-reviewed
in papers like Newsday,
111
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:42,968
Wall Street Journal
and Village Voice
112
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,834
then make a few top-ten lists
and get an Emmy nomination.
113
00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,267
Look, I'm a person,
not a TV show.
114
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,167
I have a job, a family,
a membership
115
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,701
to the Suppository
of the Month Club.
116
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:54,667
And I have another theory
about what you think.
117
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:57,000
You have a few too many birds
on your antenna.
118
00:03:57,033 --> 00:03:59,367
Am I crazy because I'm
the one viewer in America
119
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,000
courageous enough to act?
120
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,534
Do you expect me to sit
around doing nothing
121
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,534
like little Timmy just before he
hit his head on that rock
122
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,000
and Lassie's locked
up in the pound
123
00:04:06,033 --> 00:04:07,634
but she gets the
key from a cat
124
00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,200
who pushes it
under the door?
125
00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:11,501
Oh, where are my manners?
126
00:04:11,534 --> 00:04:13,734
Harry Medfly, currently
unemployed TV critic.
127
00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:15,934
Duckman, currently
tied-up detective.
128
00:04:15,968 --> 00:04:18,267
I know who you are.
You're part of the reason
129
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,801
this country's
a grim, grisly pit of eels.
130
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:23,100
Did you know there were
over 500 murders
131
00:04:23,133 --> 00:04:24,968
in this country the week after
The Terminator aired?
132
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,133
How about the week before?
133
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:27,801
500, but that's not the point.
134
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,434
I didn't knock you out,
kidnap you
135
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:31,801
and threaten you with a knife
to argue about violence.
136
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,300
Okey-dokey. Starting
to get the picture here.
137
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:36,734
What say I promise
to stop being a TV show,
138
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:39,267
take you to Big Lance's Rubber
Novelties and Woo-Woo Lounge,
139
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,100
get you ten percent off all
appliances
140
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:42,200
and we call it square?
141
00:04:42,234 --> 00:04:43,767
Change channels.
Change channels.
142
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:45,501
You don't believe
me, do you?
143
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:47,133
It's time to see
what I'm talking about.
144
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:48,067
(remotes clicking)
145
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,300
(whistles)
146
00:05:23,467 --> 00:05:24,734
(quacks)
147
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,868
Okay, Medfly, what was that?
148
00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:28,767
What are my family
and friends doing in it?
149
00:05:28,801 --> 00:05:30,567
Are they in danger, too?
And most important,
150
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:32,834
who was that luscious
piece of tail
151
00:05:32,868 --> 00:05:34,067
walking by in the beginning?
152
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,534
It's my duty
to expurgate you
153
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:37,267
from the airwaves
along with everything else
154
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:38,801
that degrades
and demeans humanity.
155
00:05:38,834 --> 00:05:41,567
Expurgate, as in give
lots of money to?
156
00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:45,434
As in cancel, get rid of,
send into eternal oblivion
157
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:46,968
where people
will never see or hear
158
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,968
the name Duckman ever again.
159
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,267
You mean put me on cable?
160
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:53,200
No. I mean... kill you.
161
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:02,901
(grunting)
(pop music plays)
162
00:06:02,934 --> 00:06:04,634
(buzzer rings)
163
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:08,200
I came as soon as I heard
Duckman was missing.
164
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:11,367
Me, too, but then I got
a little worried. Ha!
165
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,601
(TV plays indistinctly)
166
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:15,067
Kids, I'll need your help
in locating your father.
167
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,834
Dad's missing?
168
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:18,701
Then who's this?
169
00:06:18,734 --> 00:06:21,534
Ajax, that's my kickboxing
workout bag.
170
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,234
Oh, that would explain
171
00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:26,734
his lackluster presentation
at father-son night.
172
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:27,834
I need you to remember
173
00:06:27,868 --> 00:06:30,501
his exact movements
during the last two days.
174
00:06:30,534 --> 00:06:33,801
Well, when he got home
Friday, he went to the TV.
175
00:06:33,834 --> 00:06:35,234
Then he went
to the bathroom.
176
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:37,067
Then he came back
to the TV.
177
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,634
Then he went
to the bathroom.
178
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:40,567
First thing Saturday,
he watched TV.
179
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,234
After going
to the bathroom.
180
00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:44,267
Thanks. I'm beginning
to sense a pattern.
181
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:47,200
Given that police organizations
are woefully overburdened
182
00:06:47,234 --> 00:06:49,968
and that every minute counts
in the first 24 hours
183
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,033
of a victim's disappearance,
I suggest we undertake
184
00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:54,400
our own demanding and difficult
investigation--
185
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,534
beginning with interviews
of anyone who's spoken to
186
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:58,667
or seen your father
during the past two years
187
00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:00,033
combined with a
systematic survey
188
00:07:00,067 --> 00:07:02,801
of all emergency care facilities
within a 50-mile radius
189
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,834
and a door-to-door
canvassing of the city.
190
00:07:04,868 --> 00:07:06,501
We have nachos.
191
00:07:06,534 --> 00:07:07,934
It can wait.
192
00:07:07,968 --> 00:07:09,534
Don't you see?
193
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:12,334
TV's sole reason to exist
is to sell products.
194
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:15,200
Crime pays, as long
as you have a sponsor.
195
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:17,601
This guy's bughouse.
196
00:07:17,634 --> 00:07:21,033
It's time to use
the old reverse psychology.
197
00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:22,634
Uh, you're right, Medfly.
198
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:24,434
I am the reason
TV has become
199
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:26,767
a cesspool of decay
and degradation.
200
00:07:26,801 --> 00:07:29,467
Get rid of me and all the
world's problems will disappear.
201
00:07:29,501 --> 00:07:30,334
Okay.
202
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,801
Damn, he's good.
203
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,734
Look, Medfly...
if this is the end,
204
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,801
I just have one teeny-tiny
little request.
205
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:37,434
What did you have in mind?
206
00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:40,767
To slip into something more
comfortable, say, Sharon Stone?
207
00:07:40,801 --> 00:07:42,634
Ha-ha! You see? You see?
208
00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,133
You think of women
as nothing more
209
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:45,868
than a collection
of anonymous body parts!
210
00:07:45,901 --> 00:07:47,067
What are you talking about?!
211
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,100
I think of women
as breasts, legs and butts.
212
00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:50,300
What's anonymous about that?
213
00:07:50,334 --> 00:07:52,767
Anyway, who says lusting and
plotting 10, 12 hours a day
214
00:07:52,801 --> 00:07:54,367
to brush up against them's
a crime?
215
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,400
The Supreme Court.
216
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,200
(chuckles): Yeah.
Like they're in charge
217
00:07:57,234 --> 00:07:59,901
of interpreting the law
for the whole country.
218
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:03,234
Come on, Medfly, sex is a normal
part of life-- it's healthy.
219
00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:05,234
Birds do it, bees
do it, even...
220
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:06,901
no, wait, they
eat their young.
221
00:08:06,934 --> 00:08:08,968
But the point is, so I like sex?
222
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,667
It's not like I go
overboard with it.
223
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:12,067
Oh, no?
224
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,934
Shazam! Lady, those things real,
225
00:08:13,968 --> 00:08:15,934
or did you have to pay
to make them point that way?
226
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:18,868
Uh, sorry, I-I didn't hear you.
I was staring at your breasts.
227
00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:22,167
I look at breasts...
and I, uh, I'm a detective.
228
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,234
(chuckles)
But mainly the breast thing.
229
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:25,033
(clamoring)
230
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:25,767
(shrieking)
231
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:26,968
(groans)
232
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,234
Come in, come in, I'm Duckman.
233
00:08:28,267 --> 00:08:30,567
And this is Hooters--
I-I mean Cornfed.
234
00:08:30,601 --> 00:08:33,100
So, eat to please you--
uh, pleased to beat you.
235
00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:34,767
Sorry, just a little horny--
tired!
236
00:08:34,801 --> 00:08:36,167
Tired this morning.
Little tired.
237
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,667
Homina, homina ha wah!
238
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:40,000
It's times like this
I wish I had a penis.
239
00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:42,067
Can we get you anything?
Uh, D-cup of coffee?
240
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:44,200
Duckman, Duckman with a D.
In fact, PhD, Loveology.
241
00:08:44,234 --> 00:08:45,934
Perhaps you'd care to stay
after class
242
00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:47,200
while I grade on your curves?
243
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:48,701
Look, the traffic chopper
sky babe!
244
00:08:48,734 --> 00:08:51,968
Hey, mama! How 'bout landing
on my zero-niner?
245
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,467
I'll wear a windsock!
246
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:54,467
Hey, nurse.
247
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:55,467
I got a thermometer
248
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:57,234
that'll make you
bedridden for a week.
249
00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:59,734
Where you going?
It's time for my exam.
250
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,434
See? I'm turning
my head and coughing?
251
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:03,601
(coughs)
Now, it's your turn.
252
00:09:03,634 --> 00:09:05,400
Nurse? Nursey?
(remote clicks)
253
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:06,400
What?
254
00:09:06,434 --> 00:09:08,367
How... ?! Where'd
you get that stuff?
255
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,234
You must have had hidden
cameras everywhere--
256
00:09:10,267 --> 00:09:12,634
in my home, in my
office, even in my...
257
00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:15,234
Hmm, no wonder
that itch cream never worked.
258
00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:17,200
Oh, this is even
more tiresome
259
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:20,734
than all those endless reruns
of your first 13 episodes.
260
00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:22,734
You know where I got
those clips.
261
00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:24,567
I taped them off television.
262
00:09:24,601 --> 00:09:26,434
But then, that would mean...
263
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:27,968
Yes, yes, yes!
264
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:32,033
You are a television series.
265
00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:34,634
Actually, I was gonna say
you know how to program a VCR.
266
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,634
What's the secret?
267
00:09:35,667 --> 00:09:37,334
Egad!
268
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,834
How can one person
269
00:09:38,868 --> 00:09:42,267
be so oblivious, insensitive,
hateful, tactless, boorish
270
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:45,267
and ill-tempered
to everyone he meets?
271
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,701
It's a gift?
272
00:09:46,734 --> 00:09:47,868
(growls)
273
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:50,367
Okay, so I've had
an off day or two.
274
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,234
Day or two?
275
00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:53,901
Ooh, refresh me.
276
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:57,267
Middle finger straight up
mean a left turn in this state?
277
00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:58,934
You parked
in a handicapped space.
278
00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:00,734
So what? No one ever notices,
except the people
279
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:01,934
who are supposed
to park there
280
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:03,534
and hell, I can outrun them
any day.
281
00:10:03,567 --> 00:10:06,434
Hey, Rickshaw, let's spring roll
into action!
282
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:09,100
My egg foo young'uns and me need
a ride, chop-chop!
283
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:11,000
What is this--
the year of the snail?
284
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:13,734
She's got a face that would
scatter a leper colony.
285
00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:15,801
You know, like those really ugly
broads who are always yelling
286
00:10:15,834 --> 00:10:17,501
about equal rights when
all they really need is
287
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,067
a little... (clucks tongue)
honey in their hives.
288
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:21,701
Long-haired, fat-bellied,
goofy-tattooed, '60s-throwback
289
00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:23,634
Village People
wannabe biker freak.
290
00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,434
Mantra-chanting, incense-
breathing, herb-sucking yahoos.
291
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:28,033
Brainless,
knuckle-dragging bohunks.
292
00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:30,033
Cheese-eating,
cocoa-guzzling yodelers.
293
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,801
Thin-skinned,
no-humored pansy.
294
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:32,767
Dim-bulb melon-head.
295
00:10:32,801 --> 00:10:33,801
Mindless pod people.
296
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:34,868
Magical mystery turd.
297
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:35,601
Dancing queen.
298
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:36,901
Dipstick...
Sushi-sucker...
299
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:39,033
Butthead!
What the hell
are you staring at?
300
00:10:39,067 --> 00:10:41,334
What the hell are you
staring at?
301
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:43,200
What the hell
are you staring at?
302
00:10:43,234 --> 00:10:44,767
What the hell are you
staring at?
303
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:46,467
What the hell
are you staring at?
304
00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:48,200
What the hell are you
staring at?
305
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:49,868
What the hell
are you staring at?
306
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:51,601
What the hell are you
staring at?
307
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:52,334
(clicks)
308
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:54,000
Wait! This isn't fair.
309
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:56,300
You just took a bunch of
comments out of context
310
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:58,334
and strung them together
to make me look rotten...
311
00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,567
Snappy editing, though.
312
00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:01,667
All right, look, so I have a
little attitude.
313
00:11:01,701 --> 00:11:03,567
I'm a detective.
All the great detectives...
314
00:11:03,601 --> 00:11:05,467
Great? You think you're great?
315
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:07,367
Grating.
I may have said "grating."
316
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,968
Let's have a look.
317
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,067
If you want to track
her down, why not use
318
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:12,701
your detective skills?
Don't toy with me, Cornfed.
319
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:14,767
Why the hell would I
want to rely on those?
320
00:11:14,801 --> 00:11:18,334
I believe someone
is trying to kill me.
321
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:19,234
Do you have any proof?
322
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:20,434
This note.
323
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:22,567
"Dear Dr. Milo,
I'm trying to kill you."
324
00:11:22,601 --> 00:11:23,767
Hmm, nothing more definite?
325
00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:26,033
You want to learn something,
do exactly as I do.
326
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:28,033
Imitate my every move.
327
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:29,868
(yells)
328
00:11:29,901 --> 00:11:30,834
I found a gun...
329
00:11:30,868 --> 00:11:31,701
Probably a toy.
330
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:32,801
(gunshot)
(bird squawks)
331
00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:36,000
(yelling)
332
00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:36,901
...and a knife.
333
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:37,901
Proves nothing.
334
00:11:37,934 --> 00:11:38,701
(thud)
(bird squawks)
335
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:40,901
(grunting)
336
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,400
...and this bomb.
337
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:43,834
I get these every day.
338
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,968
You're sure putting a lot
of faith in these,
339
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,200
uh... what'd you
call them again?
340
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:50,834
Clues.
Yeah, right.
341
00:11:50,868 --> 00:11:52,334
(explosion)
(bird squawks)
342
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:53,434
This was not a murder.
343
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:55,167
MAN:
Val, put down that gun!
344
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,334
You're my wife. Don't shoot!
345
00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:59,033
I can't hear myself think.
346
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,267
Got any more
of those glues?
347
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:00,868
Clues.
348
00:12:00,901 --> 00:12:01,868
I'm one letter off.
349
00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:02,968
Crucify me!
350
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,934
(clicks)
I still don't get it.
351
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:08,167
How did you get all this stuff,
and all from my bad side?
352
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,067
You remind me of the Beaver.
353
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,267
Oh, a TV reference.
354
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,000
Now, where was I?
355
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:19,200
Either about to snuff out
your life...
356
00:12:19,234 --> 00:12:20,868
or make a bowl of popcorn.
357
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:23,367
Oh, well, no law says
I can't do both.
358
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,167
How do you like it cooked:
air-popped or canola oil?
359
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,901
Canola oil's for cooking?
360
00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:33,634
(grunting)
361
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:39,434
(dialing)
362
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,934
(rings)
363
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,567
KZRC is
my million dollar station.
364
00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,634
Corny, it's me.
I've been kidnapped.
365
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:46,734
Dammit.
366
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:47,934
Duckman, good
thing you called.
367
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,300
Tell me where
he's hiding you.
368
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:51,868
In his secret hideout.
369
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:54,200
This is going to be
a difficult conversation.
370
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:56,400
I need to have some idea
of your location.
371
00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:58,234
Do you hear
any distinctive noises,
372
00:12:58,267 --> 00:12:59,868
no matter how small
and insignificant,
373
00:12:59,901 --> 00:13:01,234
coming from the outside?
374
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:03,968
(distant bell ringing)
375
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:04,968
(gulls squawking)
376
00:13:05,033 --> 00:13:07,033
(engines whooshing)
377
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:08,067
(fog horn sounds)
378
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:11,267
(cars rattling)
379
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,501
Nothing that would help. Yike!
380
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:15,267
Uh, hello,
All My Children hotline?
381
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,234
I missed today's show.
What happened?
382
00:13:17,267 --> 00:13:20,200
You shouldn't have
done that, Duckman.
383
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,234
Prepare to die.
384
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:27,200
(fiendish laughter)
(ominous music plays)
385
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,000
Don't you hate it
386
00:13:31,033 --> 00:13:32,767
when they do that
right before a commercial?
387
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:37,400
(grunting)
388
00:13:37,434 --> 00:13:39,601
I know what you're thinking,
but this has nothing to do
389
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:42,100
with the fact that my column
just got dropped and my wife
390
00:13:42,133 --> 00:13:45,234
just left me, taking my Franklin
Mint clown plate collection.
391
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:46,567
Oh, well.
392
00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:50,200
Gaze one last time upon
yourself, Duckman,
393
00:13:50,234 --> 00:13:53,467
before you're permanently
removed from the schedule.
394
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:56,367
No! No! No!
395
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,434
Horrible, isn't it?
396
00:13:57,467 --> 00:13:59,467
Yeah. I am yellow.
397
00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:00,234
Off we go.
398
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:01,234
Don't kill me!
399
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:03,133
Please! Please! Please! Please!
400
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:04,701
There are people who need me,
401
00:14:04,734 --> 00:14:06,467
who depend on me
for their livelihoods--
402
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,701
Fluffy, Uranus, Cornfed.
403
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:11,567
(fiendish laughter)
404
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,434
Sorry-- just thought
of something funny
405
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:14,601
I saw on Family Matters.
406
00:14:14,634 --> 00:14:16,467
That Urkel cracks me up.
407
00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:18,701
Now, as for
your employees...
408
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,100
There's something you
should know, Duckman.
409
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:22,601
I've never told you because I'm
a little sensitive about it.
410
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:23,767
I'm a virgin.
411
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:27,100
(laughing hysterically)
412
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,567
I'm, uh, Duckman.
413
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,567
And I'm...
414
00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:30,767
...insignificant.
415
00:14:30,801 --> 00:14:33,033
(laughing hysterically)
416
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:34,667
Stay out of this!
417
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:37,634
Ha! A virgin!
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
418
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,000
Uh, excuse me, I'm...
419
00:14:39,033 --> 00:14:40,634
...beginning to annoy me.
420
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,033
Unbelievable!
421
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:44,033
Yow! Hoo-hoo!
422
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,767
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
423
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:48,167
No inski-outski!
Ha-ha!
424
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,667
No bofferino!
425
00:14:49,701 --> 00:14:51,200
Uh, excuse me.
426
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:53,734
Never nailed the hammer
on the head!
427
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,133
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
428
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:55,834
Bacon breath!
429
00:14:55,868 --> 00:14:56,567
Bacon fat!
430
00:14:56,601 --> 00:14:57,434
Spam for brains.
431
00:14:57,467 --> 00:14:57,901
Spare rib!
432
00:14:57,934 --> 00:14:58,467
Ham-head!
433
00:14:58,501 --> 00:14:59,033
Pork rinds!
434
00:14:59,067 --> 00:14:59,767
Clove-foot!
435
00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:00,467
Moron!
436
00:15:00,501 --> 00:15:02,701
(chuckles)
437
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:04,801
Fluffy! Uranus!
438
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,434
My two favorite...
439
00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:07,968
whatever-you-are's.
440
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,133
(squeaks)
441
00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:12,000
(squealing)
442
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:15,067
(gasping)
443
00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:17,434
(explosion)
444
00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:21,968
(yelping)
445
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,167
Mr. Duckman...
Mr. Duckman...
446
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:26,067
(shrieks)
447
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,567
(muffled yelling)
448
00:15:28,834 --> 00:15:31,868
(squealing)
449
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:33,634
(shrieking)
450
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:35,734
(barking)
451
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:36,801
(door creaks)
452
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:39,868
FLUFFY AND URANUS:
Oh! Mr. Duckman!
(toilet flushing)
453
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:42,133
(gurgling)
454
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,434
(screams)
(drilling)
455
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:49,000
(Fluffy and Uranus screaming)
456
00:15:49,033 --> 00:15:50,834
DUCKMAN:
So that's where I am.
457
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:54,501
The old used pi�ata and plastic
phone tab warehouse. (gasps)
458
00:15:54,534 --> 00:15:56,801
Wait, Medfly! There's
just one more thing
459
00:15:56,834 --> 00:15:58,300
I have to say in my defense.
460
00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:00,501
Maybe I am a little
rough around the edges.
461
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:03,200
Maybe I could be a little
more tactful when it comes to
462
00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:06,200
dealing with women, coworkers,
service food handlers,
463
00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:08,167
census takers,
the Sheet Metal Workers' Union,
464
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,701
people who bought Kathy Lee's cd
of Christmas songs,
465
00:16:10,734 --> 00:16:12,667
small, high-strung,
butt-ugly dogs,
466
00:16:12,701 --> 00:16:14,634
kids with really funny
birthmarks on their faces,
467
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:16,734
peppers, Trekkers, boomers,
buppies, slackers...
468
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,567
What is your point!?
469
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:22,334
My point, besides using
a cheap and shameless ploy
470
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,601
to buy time,
is that despite all that
471
00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:27,501
you can't say
I don't love my family!
472
00:16:27,534 --> 00:16:29,501
(remote clicks)
473
00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:32,200
Why do I give him these set-ups?
474
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:33,901
You Lycra-clad,
cauldron-stirring
475
00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:35,400
cackling, old warthog!
476
00:16:35,434 --> 00:16:37,400
(yelling)
477
00:16:37,434 --> 00:16:38,501
(grunting)
478
00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:41,434
Iron-pumping, steroid-popping,
sideshow-attraction cow!
479
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,601
(yells)
(groans)
480
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,534
My biggest fantasy
involves you,
481
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:48,467
liver loaf and a pack
of starving Rottweilers!
482
00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:49,868
(yelling)
483
00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,501
Duckman!
484
00:16:51,534 --> 00:16:52,601
(screams)
485
00:16:52,634 --> 00:16:54,567
Today's the day he's
going to spend with
486
00:16:54,601 --> 00:16:56,634
his children, bonding
and being together.
487
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,100
Together?!
When my butt
starts singing show tunes.
488
00:16:59,133 --> 00:17:00,901
Son, uh...
Here's five bucks.
489
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:03,133
Buy yourself a book on solving
teenagers' problems.
490
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:05,534
(chuckles) Kids and their cute
little death games.
491
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,801
Okay, then, what grade
are the twins in?
492
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:09,868
By "twins," you mean the ones
who look alike?
493
00:17:09,901 --> 00:17:12,133
This is, uh, Bernice,
Charles and Merengue.
494
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:14,067
Mambo!
Whatever.
495
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:14,400
Charles?
496
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:15,234
Mandingo?
497
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,234
Mambo.
Whatever.
498
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:17,033
Charles and Simba.
499
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:17,934
Mambo.
500
00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:18,434
Whatever.
501
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:19,734
Good night, Charles.
502
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:22,868
Good night...uh,
Charles' brother.
503
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:24,501
(remote clicks)
Off we go.
504
00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:31,701
(grunting)
505
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:35,200
There you are, Duckman...
506
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:36,767
cable-ready!
507
00:17:36,801 --> 00:17:38,434
When I switch on this TV,
508
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:41,434
the signal from that dish
will go straight to you.
509
00:17:41,467 --> 00:17:44,734
The force of 500
soul-destroying channels
510
00:17:44,767 --> 00:17:46,434
frying the second favorite
511
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:47,767
part of your body.
512
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:49,200
Well, I don't like
the sound of it,
513
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,934
but I guess I can do
without my right hand.
514
00:17:50,968 --> 00:17:53,901
I meant your brain, Potsie!
515
00:17:53,934 --> 00:17:56,567
Now you'll know what it feels
like to be force-fed the filth
516
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:59,067
that TV passes off as
entertainment!
517
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:02,300
That holds a pervo like you
up as a role model.
518
00:18:02,334 --> 00:18:04,601
Role model? Hey!
I'm a waterfowl!
519
00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:06,167
I'm not a TV show!
520
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,667
Even if I were,
any halfway intelligent audience
521
00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:10,434
would know I'm not someone
to imitate.
522
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:12,300
Who'd aspire to be someone
who's gotten the stuffing
523
00:18:12,334 --> 00:18:15,067
knocked out of him so many times
the only reason he gets up
524
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,267
in the morning is because either
he's really stupid
525
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:19,167
or somewhere, deep down inside,
526
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,868
beats the heart
of a disappointed
527
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:22,667
yet still hopeful idealist.
(majestic music swelling)
528
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:25,367
A yellow-- yes, yellow--
teller-of-truth
529
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,634
who's a spokesperson
for the silent masses
530
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,334
who'd love to tell it
like it is...
531
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,100
who's an idol to be emulated
532
00:18:31,133 --> 00:18:35,534
nay, a god
to be bowed down to!
533
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:36,667
(music stops)
534
00:18:36,701 --> 00:18:37,767
(clears throat)
But...
535
00:18:37,801 --> 00:18:40,133
(chuckles):
Uh, I'm not a role model.
536
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,868
Say good night, Gracie.
537
00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:42,868
(gasps)
538
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:43,868
(crackles)
Ooh!
539
00:18:43,901 --> 00:18:46,100
(giggles)
That tickles.
540
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:50,267
Bang! Zoom!
To the moon, Alice...!
541
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,200
That's one giant step...
542
00:18:52,234 --> 00:18:54,300
Beam me up, Scotty...
543
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,434
Submitted for your approval...
544
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:58,767
Right here on our stage...
545
00:18:58,801 --> 00:18:59,901
Nanu-nanu...!
546
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:00,801
Ay...!
547
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,834
Hey-ya! Rah, rah, rah...!
548
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:03,801
D-ohh...!
549
00:19:03,834 --> 00:19:05,667
Well, golly...!
550
00:19:05,701 --> 00:19:07,100
Miss Brooks...!
551
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,634
Mr. Wilson...!
552
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:10,434
Mr. Grant...!
553
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:11,167
Lassie...!
554
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,300
Uh, heya, Normie...!
555
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:13,701
Hello, Newman...
556
00:19:13,734 --> 00:19:16,334
Do the name Ruby Begonia
strike a familiar note...?
557
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:17,868
Good evening...
558
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,667
Oh, no! What's happening?
559
00:19:21,701 --> 00:19:24,701
Just a guess, but it appears
that an insane media critic
560
00:19:24,734 --> 00:19:26,601
kidnapped Duckman
and is trying to reduce
561
00:19:26,634 --> 00:19:28,334
his cerebral cortex
to marmalade
562
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,133
by overloading it
with a superabundance
563
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:33,033
of American television
from the last 50 years.
564
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:34,767
Hmm, nice reception.
565
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:36,734
(fiendish laughter)
566
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:39,734
He's almost gone! Destroyed!
567
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:42,133
Turned into the same
non-thinking, lifeless shell
568
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:44,367
all viewers will become
because of television.
569
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,067
TV is everywhere!
It's everything!
570
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:49,367
Nothing can save us
from its relentless, pitiless,
571
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,767
all-powerful control--
nothing!
572
00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:53,534
Actually, there is one thing.
573
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,934
(clicks)
574
00:19:54,968 --> 00:19:56,767
(crackling)
(grunting)
575
00:19:56,801 --> 00:19:58,667
Oh! My TV!
576
00:19:58,701 --> 00:20:02,300
You turned off my TV.
577
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:04,434
Book 'em, Danno.
While most people would go
578
00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:06,200
for the easy
Jack Webb comparison
579
00:20:06,234 --> 00:20:09,067
I always considered Jack Lord
my spiritual forerunner.
580
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,334
Cornfed, how'd
you find me?
581
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:12,968
Accident. I was
taking the family
582
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,767
to buy a pi�ata
and phone tabs.
583
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:18,100
It doesn't make any sense.
Why did you rescue him?
584
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,033
He treats you like the sand
in Gilligan's briefs.
585
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:22,434
He's my partner.
586
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:24,467
He's our father.
He's our father.
587
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:26,367
I have no excuse.
588
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,701
But you're violating
the show's premise.
589
00:20:28,734 --> 00:20:31,300
He thinks I'm the star
of a TV series called Duckman.
590
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:34,067
He taped my life, forced me to
watch the bad parts.
591
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,501
He didn't record
the good times,
592
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,767
like when I brought you guys
home a new stereo system
593
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:39,434
that just happened to fall off
that truck.
594
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:41,634
Hey, Mr. Demented,
bug-eyed
595
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:42,901
but strangely compelling
596
00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:44,567
in that off-beat
kind of way, kidnapper...
597
00:20:44,601 --> 00:20:45,767
we're no TV show!
598
00:20:45,801 --> 00:20:46,901
We're real! We're flawed!
599
00:20:46,934 --> 00:20:48,400
Just because we're not
600
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,801
a 27-inch picture perfect family
doesn't mean we don't
601
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:53,701
l... lo-lo... lo-lo...
602
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:55,033
(shudders)
603
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:58,100
Gosh, you're the bestest family
a guy ever had.
604
00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,701
(cheering)
605
00:20:59,734 --> 00:21:01,868
Damn half-hour format!
606
00:21:01,901 --> 00:21:03,868
I should have known
there'd be a happy ending.
607
00:21:03,901 --> 00:21:05,701
You call this happy?
608
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:07,901
I'll be back,
Duckman-- you'll see.
609
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,501
I'll be a recurring villain
every fifth or sixth episode
610
00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:12,367
after people get tired
of King Chicken.
611
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,200
I'm better looking,
more intelligent,
612
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:16,033
have a higher TV-Q...
613
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,167
Can you imagine Duckman's life
a TV show?
614
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,534
I'd rather watch fungus
grow on toilet bowls.
615
00:21:21,567 --> 00:21:23,300
You're in luck, Aunt Bernice.
616
00:21:23,334 --> 00:21:25,534
Tonight, on a very
special episode
617
00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,467
of Walker, Texas Ranger...
618
00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:30,200
Dad, if your life
was a TV series
619
00:21:30,234 --> 00:21:32,367
then this would have
been one of those shows
620
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,868
full of clips
and highlights.
621
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,968
Which is a cheesy ploy foisted
upon the viewing public
622
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,467
to save money by doing
less original production.
623
00:21:39,501 --> 00:21:41,734
Charles, Mambo!
That would be despicable.
624
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,200
What kind of cynical,
anything-for-a-buck
sleazoids
625
00:21:44,234 --> 00:21:45,567
would have me kidnapped
and tortured
626
00:21:45,601 --> 00:21:47,067
for the sake
of a cheap, tired
627
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:49,367
creatively bankrupt
clip show?
45017
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