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1
00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:22,834
(squealing)
2
00:00:22,901 --> 00:00:25,234
(whistling)
3
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:28,267
(screaming)
4
00:00:28,334 --> 00:00:30,334
What the hell
are you staring at?
5
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,200
Someone who sublimates
his seething resentment
6
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,534
of a society-imposed celibacy
7
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,000
by wearing offensive
and morally bankrupt clothing.
8
00:00:36,067 --> 00:00:37,334
Oh, so, you like
the new jacket?
9
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,868
They threw in a pair
of spotted underpants.
10
00:00:39,934 --> 00:00:42,300
Don't you mean spotted
owl underpants?
11
00:00:42,367 --> 00:00:44,167
Hey, like I suddnely care
about brand names.
12
00:00:44,234 --> 00:00:45,834
And, by the way,
if you're hinting
13
00:00:45,901 --> 00:00:48,133
at some kind of politically
incorrect insensitivity here--
14
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,133
I'll have you know that
all these seals
15
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,367
died of natural causes--
brain hemorrhages or something.
16
00:00:53,434 --> 00:00:54,634
You realize, of course,
17
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:56,300
those seals
were somebody's children.
18
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:59,534
Corny, if there's one piece
of advice I can give you,
it's this--
19
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:00,968
Never order buttery topping
20
00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:02,300
after ticking off
the popcorn vendor
21
00:01:02,367 --> 00:01:03,300
at a movie theater.
22
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:04,501
Oh. Right.
23
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:05,767
Well, speaking of children,
24
00:01:05,834 --> 00:01:08,367
did I tell you mine are
demanding a vacation now?
25
00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:09,767
Hard to believe, isn't it?
26
00:01:09,834 --> 00:01:11,801
Like every day with me
isn't vacation enough?
27
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:16,701
Hmm... some kilbasa.
28
00:01:16,767 --> 00:01:17,934
From Easter, I believe.
29
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,501
Mr. Duckman,
a vacation is
30
00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:22,334
the perfect opportunity
to get away
31
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,067
from your everyday
worries and troubles.
32
00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:27,133
In fact, Fluffy and I
were thinking
33
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,133
about asking
for one ourselves.
34
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,033
We've worked 11 years
35
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:32,734
without a vacation.
36
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,400
11 long years.
37
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:36,267
Oh, my heavens.
38
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:40,067
Do allow me to apologize
for this unthinkable oversight
39
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:43,133
by offering you
an all-expense-paid trip
40
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,400
to one of the world's
most popular hot spots--
41
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,000
BOTH:
Oh!
42
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,033
As I was saying, Corny,
you should thank
43
00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,634
your lucky stars
you don't have any kids.
44
00:01:52,701 --> 00:01:53,634
Dad...
45
00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:57,701
Who are you
46
00:01:57,767 --> 00:02:00,801
and why are you squeezing
the pleats out of my pants?
47
00:02:00,868 --> 00:02:02,934
My name is Ng.
You are my father.
48
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,234
"Ng," huh?
49
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:06,167
How do you
spell that?
N-G.
50
00:02:06,234 --> 00:02:08,901
What a pretty "nm."
You live, on "mn" street?
51
00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:10,767
Here. Go buy
yourself a vowel.
52
00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:13,601
I'm sorry, Ng. As much
as the prospect intrigues me,
53
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,000
I couldn't possibly
be your father.
54
00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:16,167
Of course he couldn't!
55
00:02:16,234 --> 00:02:18,434
Up until he took
a couple of boob-a-licious twins
56
00:02:18,501 --> 00:02:20,667
back to their place last year
for a little (squeaking)
57
00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,234
he'd never, you know,
pickled the old herring.
58
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,167
To be honest,
I still haven't.
What?
59
00:02:25,234 --> 00:02:26,334
What happened
with the twins?
60
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,133
I fainted when they
took off their sneakers.
61
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,133
NG:
You mean...
62
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,534
I've traveled
all this way
63
00:02:30,601 --> 00:02:32,534
just to find out
you're not my father?
64
00:02:32,601 --> 00:02:34,534
Wait a minute... the war.
65
00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:36,334
(explosions and gunfire)
66
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,667
There was someone.
67
00:02:37,734 --> 00:02:39,167
The details are fuzzy
68
00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:41,367
but I remember
a woman named Mai Lin
69
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:43,567
whose sole desire
was to pleasure me
70
00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:46,000
in unspeakable and
often degrading ways
71
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:47,501
using mah-jongg tiles
72
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,734
and a strange
vibrating bamboo device.
73
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:51,901
Mai Lin...
that's my mother.
74
00:02:51,968 --> 00:02:54,000
Did I mention she
was a fine cook?
75
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:56,801
Well, Ng-man,
Ng-erewski, the Ng-meister...
76
00:02:56,868 --> 00:02:59,901
welcome to the clan.
77
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:00,968
Go into the back room.
78
00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:02,100
Inside my
monogrammed enema bag
79
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:03,934
there's 12 bucks,
a fake mustache,
80
00:03:04,033 --> 00:03:05,834
and a Saudi
Arabian passport.
81
00:03:05,901 --> 00:03:07,801
Take them and
start a new life.
82
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:10,434
Duckman, I don't think
you understand what this means.
83
00:03:10,501 --> 00:03:12,667
Ng is my progeny,
my family, my litter.
84
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,901
You can't just throw
away your litter.
85
00:03:14,968 --> 00:03:17,234
Well, you know what I mean.
86
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,734
I finally have someone
to carry on my name.
87
00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:21,200
I'm a father, Duckman.
88
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,534
This is the happiest
moment of my life.
89
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:24,701
Come on, son.
90
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:27,033
We've got some
catching up to do.
91
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,968
Oh, it is kind of nice
for the little guy.
92
00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:31,868
He should get a chance
at it, too.
93
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:33,267
After all, in the end,
there isn't anything
94
00:03:33,334 --> 00:03:36,367
like the happiness you get
from being part of a family.
95
00:03:36,434 --> 00:03:37,567
It's not fair!
96
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,734
We want to go!
97
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,234
We deserve
a vacation!
98
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,267
Duckman, you promised
your kids last year
99
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:44,067
you'd take them
on vacation.
100
00:03:44,133 --> 00:03:46,234
And, kids, what did I tell you
about promises?
101
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,767
ALL:
They don't count
for family, friends
102
00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,067
and other people
who won't hurt you.
103
00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:53,567
But I want to go
on vacation.
104
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,734
I'd love to take a vacation,
but they're just too expensive.
105
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:59,868
Maybe we could visit that place
by the train tracks
106
00:03:59,934 --> 00:04:02,734
with the burnt tires
and smoldering oil drums.
107
00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:04,067
That's our backyard, dear.
108
00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:05,934
The idea would be to get away.
109
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:06,934
Oh.
110
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,033
Sorry I didn't knock.
111
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,400
The neighbors had opened your
front door so they could hear
112
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,501
your argument better.
113
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:12,901
They do take an interest.
114
00:04:12,968 --> 00:04:14,634
Last week, they helped
us paint our house.
115
00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:18,167
Dad, they sprayed
"get out" on our
living room window.
116
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:20,000
Whatever. It's the thought
that counts, son.
117
00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:22,334
Be that as it may,
I have an annoucement to make:
118
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:23,968
Though I just spent
the best day of my life
119
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,667
with a boy who claims
to be my son,
120
00:04:25,734 --> 00:04:28,567
deep down inside burns
a desire to learn the truth.
121
00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:30,167
Therefore,
as painful as it might be,
122
00:04:30,234 --> 00:04:31,934
I've decided
to go back to his country
123
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,234
and find little Ng's mother,
in order to determine
124
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:35,901
whether or not
I'm his real father.
125
00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:38,133
It's the most important
journey I've ever made
126
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,934
and because I may need
the moral support
127
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,200
of my best friend and partner
128
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:43,667
I'm here to ask you to
come with me, Duckman.
129
00:04:43,734 --> 00:04:46,000
Gee, I've got
this thing.
130
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:48,033
Besides, don't you think
it's a tad selfish
131
00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,467
to ask me to risk my life
132
00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:50,968
by trekking through
unknown horrors
133
00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:52,167
in the wartorn jungles
134
00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:53,601
of a possibly still
anti-American country?
135
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:55,534
I'll spring
for the airfare.
136
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:58,133
Then again, I could use a tan.
Wait a minute.
137
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,901
Free airfare,
two-dollar hotels...
138
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,467
pack your bags, kids.
139
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,367
We are going on vacation!
140
00:05:03,434 --> 00:05:05,534
(all cheering)
141
00:05:05,601 --> 00:05:08,767
Uh, Duckman, I wasn't planning
on paying for all of you.
142
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:09,901
Of course you weren't.
143
00:05:09,968 --> 00:05:11,334
I wouldn't ask you
to do that.
144
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,234
We'll leave Grandma-ma
with a neighbor.
145
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:15,367
(farting)
146
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:26,367
CORNFED:
Strange...
147
00:05:26,434 --> 00:05:28,834
last time I made this trip,it was as a young man
148
00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:31,267
naively certain I was doing
my duty for a country
149
00:05:31,334 --> 00:05:32,534
that neither believed in the war
150
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:34,667
nor would appreciate
my efforts when I returned.
151
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:35,667
DUCKMAN:
Inconceivable!
152
00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:37,534
An unconscionable travesty!
153
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:39,667
There's, like,
two peanuts in here.
154
00:05:39,734 --> 00:05:41,367
Anyway,
it would all be worth it
155
00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:44,334
if it meant having something
as special as a son.
156
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,901
Uncle Corny, did you win
any medals in the war?
157
00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:48,300
One or two.
158
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,434
Excuse me, but I happen
to be a war hero, too.
159
00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:52,601
You? Hah!
160
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,901
You couldn't get into
the Salvation Army.
161
00:05:54,968 --> 00:05:57,367
(laughing)
162
00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:58,767
Fine. Laugh if you will,
163
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:01,767
but if I wasn't in the war,
where did I get this?
164
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:03,667
From the table dancer
who didn't like where you
165
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:05,200
tried sliding
your credit card.
166
00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:07,367
Okay. Then explain this.
167
00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:10,868
Mmm... ravioli.
168
00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:12,033
All right, all right.
169
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:13,501
What about this?
170
00:06:14,267 --> 00:06:15,534
(all gasping)
171
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:17,033
Aha!
172
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,200
A souvenir of war,
my friends
173
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:21,467
and I remember
exactly how I got it.
174
00:06:24,234 --> 00:06:26,834
So these are the dank,
guerilla-infested jungles
175
00:06:26,901 --> 00:06:28,167
of Southeast Asia.
176
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:30,100
No, this is
still the plane.
177
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:32,334
I couldn't stir up any memories.
178
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,834
But I know I was there--
why can't I remember?
179
00:06:33,901 --> 00:06:35,000
Sometimes when you experience
180
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:36,467
something grotesque
and horrifying,
181
00:06:36,534 --> 00:06:38,000
your brain works
to repress it.
182
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:40,334
(screams):
Who are you?
183
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,667
(laughing)
184
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,167
I see what you mean.
185
00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:50,901
("Flight of the Valkyries"
playing)
186
00:06:50,968 --> 00:06:54,234
That music...
I've heard it before.
187
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:07,467
(reveille playing)
188
00:07:07,534 --> 00:07:09,133
(snoring)
189
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,968
(screaming)
190
00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:28,100
(grunting)
191
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:30,567
(as Marlon Brando):
You have no right to judge me.
192
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:34,167
You have the right to kill me,
but you've no right to judge me.
193
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:35,601
No, wait. Reverse that.
194
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:37,167
Judge me. Don't kill me.
195
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,734
Yeah, that seems better.
196
00:07:38,801 --> 00:07:40,601
For no man is an island,
197
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:43,501
though some are roughly
the same size as one.
198
00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:45,400
I coulda been somebody.
199
00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:47,501
I coulda been a contender...
200
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:50,000
Senator Corleone,
Governor Corleone.
201
00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:52,100
Props, we need more butter.
202
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,634
General Zod,
Krypton will be destroyed.
203
00:07:54,701 --> 00:07:56,300
Right.
204
00:07:56,367 --> 00:08:00,000
Well, you've obviously got a lot
of psychotic ranting to do.
205
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:02,734
I'll just get out
of your hair... uh, scalp.
206
00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:04,200
(screaming)
207
00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:05,534
No! Come back, Wally.
208
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:07,200
We'll make fudge.
209
00:08:07,267 --> 00:08:09,968
Why am I here
rambling incoherently?
210
00:08:10,033 --> 00:08:11,901
The money...
211
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:13,667
the money...
212
00:08:13,734 --> 00:08:15,634
the money...
213
00:08:15,701 --> 00:08:17,267
(yelling)
214
00:08:17,334 --> 00:08:18,534
Wake up, you cretin!
We're here!
215
00:08:18,601 --> 00:08:20,033
Okay, okay, I'm awake!
216
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,300
I know.
217
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:24,367
But the dream--
it was so real,
218
00:08:24,434 --> 00:08:26,100
like something
is starting
219
00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:27,400
to come back to me.
220
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:29,601
Who gives a
hamster's hind end?
221
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:31,667
Let's go, kids, and remember
not to leave anything.
222
00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:35,901
Before
you climb down,
223
00:08:35,968 --> 00:08:37,067
I want you to know
224
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,400
when I step
off this plane
225
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:40,734
things may get
emotional for me
226
00:08:40,801 --> 00:08:42,367
but it helps to know
that you'll be by my side
227
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,400
every step of the way.
228
00:08:43,467 --> 00:08:44,400
Look, they're going
229
00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:46,300
to Euro-Asia Land!
230
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:48,300
(cheering)
231
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:50,467
Euro-Asia Land,
here we come!
232
00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:53,934
Or I could meet up with you
when I stop bleeding.
233
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:10,234
* Can't seem to get
my mind off of you *
234
00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:16,400
* back here at home
with nothing to do *
235
00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:19,100
* I see I'm strong *
236
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:22,801
* And I'm not so strong *
237
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:25,434
* I should have known
all along *
238
00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:29,601
* That time would tell *
239
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:32,901
* Whole week without you *
240
00:09:32,968 --> 00:09:36,100
* Thought I'd forget *
241
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,767
* Two weeks without you *
242
00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:43,367
* And I still haven't
gotten over you yet *
243
00:09:43,434 --> 00:09:47,033
* Vacation, all I ever wanted *
244
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:50,200
* Vacation, had to get away *
245
00:09:50,267 --> 00:09:53,634
* Vacation's meant
to be spent alone *
246
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:59,601
* Vacation, all I ever wanted *
247
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:02,634
* Vacation, had to get away *
248
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:08,200
* Vacation's meant
to be spent alone... *
249
00:10:13,701 --> 00:10:16,033
Remember, kids,
we're goodwill ambassadors.
250
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:18,234
Let's represent our country
with pride.
251
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,033
Hey, rickshaw,
let's spring roll
252
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,467
into action!
253
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:24,167
My egg foo young'uns and me
need a ride-- chop, chop!
254
00:10:24,234 --> 00:10:26,300
What is this, the
Year of the Snail?
255
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:27,434
I found it.
I found her address.
256
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:28,667
I went to pick up a suit
257
00:10:28,734 --> 00:10:30,634
I left at a local dry cleaners
during the war
258
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,367
and her address
was in the pocket.
259
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:34,334
She lives at
84 Charlie Mopic-- or did.
260
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,734
I've never been
so nervous in my life, Duckman,
261
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:38,734
but I have a good
feeling about this.
262
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:41,934
I just hope Ng is having fun
getting to know his new home.
263
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,534
And this
is Uncle Stuffy
264
00:10:44,601 --> 00:10:47,133
the day he got caught
in the lint trap.
265
00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,334
AJAX:
Dad, I'm hungry.
266
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,801
I haven't eaten anything
267
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:55,067
since those rancid brownies
I found in the cow pasture.
268
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:57,200
It's not your
father's fault, Ajax.
269
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,968
His decision
to forgo the map
270
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,834
and get us there
on gut instinct,
271
00:11:00,901 --> 00:11:02,334
thereby rendering
us lost,
272
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,133
was perfectly
understandable.
273
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,501
But I'm thirsty.
274
00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:07,133
And I have to pee.
275
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,634
Well, that works out
perfectly, doesn't it?
276
00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:11,801
Ew!
Ew!
277
00:11:11,868 --> 00:11:13,467
(chuckles,
then grunts)
278
00:11:13,534 --> 00:11:16,133
Hey, Dad,
that sign says "Camp."
279
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,601
No, Ajax, it says...
280
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:19,934
Oh. Actually
281
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,367
it does say camp.
282
00:11:21,434 --> 00:11:22,734
Sorry.
Force of habit.
283
00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:23,868
Come on.
284
00:11:28,868 --> 00:11:31,934
BERNICE:
This place makes
my flesh crawl.
285
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,667
Look, that guy's
in chains and shackles.
286
00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:37,567
Don't knock it
till you've tried it, son.
287
00:11:37,634 --> 00:11:38,634
Wait a minute.
288
00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:40,234
That headband.
289
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,267
(gun clicks,
people gasp)
290
00:11:49,701 --> 00:11:52,767
Uh... me? Already?
291
00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:54,200
Well, I'm up for a new game.
292
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:55,567
Uh, a little
parcheesi maybe?
293
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,100
Granted, it lacks
the riveting tension
294
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,067
of imminent death,
but the cleanup's easier.
295
00:11:59,133 --> 00:12:00,234
(yelling)
296
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,400
Any chance that meant
"Lose your turn"?
297
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:03,400
(yelling)
298
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,534
Mao, babe,
how about lunch?
299
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,667
Click!
300
00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:11,734
(gunshot)
301
00:12:11,801 --> 00:12:13,400
(glass tinkling)
302
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,133
I didn't mean to!
I didn't mean to!
303
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,300
(Duckman shrieks)
304
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:18,000
I'm having flashbacks
from the war!
305
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:20,133
But why?
What's happening to me?
306
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,067
I must have been traumatized.
307
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:25,200
Something terrible
must have happened in the war
308
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:26,601
but I can't remember!
309
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:28,000
Why can't I remember?
310
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:31,300
(screaming)
311
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:33,334
Ironic-- each of us
on his own mission
312
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,067
one paralleling
and contrasting the other,
313
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:36,200
both desperate attempts
to retrieve
314
00:12:36,267 --> 00:12:38,067
lost memories of the war.
315
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,501
While I need to come to terms
316
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:40,734
with the possibility
of a future
317
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:42,200
with a son I've never known,
318
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:43,667
Duckman is driven
to resolve the past
319
00:12:43,734 --> 00:12:45,667
and each must find his answer
in the present,
320
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:47,934
thus forming the kind of
wonderful literary construction
321
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,868
that would be at home
in a great novel.
322
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:53,234
And to think-- EntertainmentWeekly panned us.
323
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,734
Stay tuned.
324
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,367
There might even be
a few clever plot twists left.
325
00:12:57,434 --> 00:12:58,467
(yelling)
326
00:12:58,534 --> 00:12:59,467
Told you.
327
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:04,400
CORNFED:
We seem to be trapped
328
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:06,200
in one of the merciless
torture-based P.O.W. camps
329
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,534
that our government says
no longer exist.
330
00:13:07,601 --> 00:13:10,000
What a relief.
I've got to get us out.
331
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:13,100
I've got to get to Mai Lin
and find out the truth
about my son.
332
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,534
(Duckman screaming)
333
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,868
This place is making
the flashbacks come again.
334
00:13:16,934 --> 00:13:18,434
But it's worse now.
335
00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:19,734
They're taking over,
336
00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:22,968
reducing me to a quivering,
helpless heap of Jell-o.
337
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:25,067
And we'll be able
to tell the difference
338
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:26,133
from before how exactly?
339
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:27,801
I feel them coming on.
340
00:13:27,868 --> 00:13:30,300
Please!
Can't somebody do something?
341
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:33,434
(explosions,
automatic gunfire)
342
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:36,734
You can't go back in, Private!
343
00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:37,868
You'll never make it!
344
00:13:37,934 --> 00:13:39,367
(as Forrest Gump):
I got to, Lieutenant.
345
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:42,033
Some things are just too
important to leave behind.
346
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,133
(groaning)
347
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,934
It's bad, Bubba.
It's pretty bad.
348
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,701
You're my best friend, Bubba.
349
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,501
I've never had
a best friend before.
350
00:13:52,567 --> 00:13:53,801
'Specially one who wants to go
351
00:13:53,868 --> 00:13:56,400
into the shrimpin'
business with me after the war.
352
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,834
I'd do anything in the world
to save your life,
353
00:13:58,901 --> 00:14:00,868
except I can only carry
one of you.
354
00:14:02,534 --> 00:14:04,901
Oh, well, Mama always said
355
00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:07,000
"Horny is as horny does."
356
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,567
Okay, Sarge!
357
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:23,000
I finished unclogging
the septic tank, Sarge!
358
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:26,167
(screaming):
No! Please!
359
00:14:26,234 --> 00:14:28,467
Beat me, starve me, kill me
360
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,734
but don't give me
the Cronauer torture!
361
00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:34,067
(as Robin Williams):
Good morning, Duckman!
362
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:36,067
Time to rock it
from the Delta to the DMZ.
363
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,667
And do schtick
that's supposed to be improv
364
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:39,734
but it's actually just
the same stuff I always do.
365
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:42,434
People, people, work with me.
Happy-time, Cong.
366
00:14:42,501 --> 00:14:44,000
Just 'cause you're Red,
don't be blue.
367
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:46,701
Oh, I love what you are doing
with your hair-- sort of bangs.
368
00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:48,934
You walking in, but your hair
is waving good-bye.
369
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,100
This one's for you--
370
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:51,968
a little something
I call "Viva Da Nang."
371
00:14:52,033 --> 00:14:53,267
Thank you very much.
372
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:54,834
(as Gomer Pyle):
Well, gollee!
373
00:14:54,901 --> 00:14:56,801
Surprise, surprise, surprise!
374
00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:58,334
* We represent
the peacekeeping force *
375
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,334
* The peacekeeping force,
the peacekeeping force... *
376
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,667
That's enough!
377
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,667
I'll tell you anything!
378
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:04,901
Just stop now!
379
00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:08,033
Everybody down.
380
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:09,100
It's a chopper.
381
00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:10,901
We're under attack!
382
00:15:11,968 --> 00:15:13,200
What's going on?
383
00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:15,701
While you were dissolving
into a puddle of goo,
384
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:17,968
I fashioned a crude helicopter
using an old blow-dryer motor
385
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:19,634
some palm fronds,
and a few rubber bands
386
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:20,868
I found lying around
the cell.
387
00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:21,968
Let's go.
388
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:23,634
(machine gun cocks)
389
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:31,934
(screaming)
390
00:15:36,234 --> 00:15:37,868
Got to see my boy again.
391
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,033
Thank you, Nordic Track.
392
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,167
(yells)
393
00:15:53,467 --> 00:15:55,033
This is for you, son.
394
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,133
We love you, Cornfed!
395
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,167
Yippee!
396
00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,434
Whoa, you're awesome.
397
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:08,434
(screaming)
398
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:10,434
Cut!
399
00:16:10,501 --> 00:16:12,334
What the hell's going on?
400
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,100
You've destroyed my set
401
00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:15,634
you idiot, you moron,
402
00:16:15,701 --> 00:16:17,868
you pint-sized pile
of bacon grease.
403
00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:19,934
What do you have to
say for yourself?
404
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,634
I'm rubber and you're glue.
405
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:25,434
DIRECTOR:
A movie set is sacred,
hallowed ground
406
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:27,501
and on that set
a director is God.
407
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:30,501
My people would die for me--
which, of course, is required,
408
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:32,667
since I insist
on complete authenticity
409
00:16:32,734 --> 00:16:34,467
by using real, live ammunition.
410
00:16:34,534 --> 00:16:36,033
What better way to denounce
411
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,067
war's senseless violence
and killing
412
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:40,634
than to project the real thing
onto a 40-foot screen
413
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,300
in all of its splendor
and glory?
414
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:45,033
Ooh, it's time
to gaze at my reflection.
415
00:16:46,434 --> 00:16:47,634
Wait a minute!
416
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:48,734
A movie set.
417
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:50,234
It's coming back to me--
418
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,133
the trauma--
the thing I couldn't remember.
419
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,534
It was dark.
Soldiers everywhere.
420
00:16:54,601 --> 00:16:56,601
We must have been stationed
421
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,234
right in the heartof the action.
422
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,167
(applause and cheering)
423
00:17:01,234 --> 00:17:02,868
Ten-hut.
Listen up, everyone.
424
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,901
I, Duckman,
projectionist extraordinaire,
425
00:17:05,968 --> 00:17:08,300
have procured a special treat.
426
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:15,601
WOMAN:
Maybe I can "cock your gun,"
Rambone.
427
00:17:20,868 --> 00:17:21,834
Oh, my God.
428
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:23,501
What's going on here?
429
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,167
Let's get him, girls.
430
00:17:25,234 --> 00:17:26,367
No! Don't hurt me!
431
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:28,234
Please! I bruise easily.
432
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,267
Let me get
this straight.
433
00:17:33,334 --> 00:17:35,167
Your trauma
is that you were
434
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:37,100
a National Guard
projectionist
435
00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:39,334
and you were beaten up
by female officers
436
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,000
'cause you showed
a porno film?
437
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:43,701
(laughs hysterically)
438
00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:45,501
What about the flashbacks?
439
00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:47,367
P.S.A.W.F.T.S.--
440
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,868
Post-Southeast-Asia-
War-Film-Trauma Syndrome.
441
00:17:49,934 --> 00:17:52,300
I don't know
why I didn't think of it before.
442
00:17:52,367 --> 00:17:55,200
He was flashing back to scenes
from the 60-odd movies
443
00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:56,601
he's seen on the subject.
444
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,701
Wow. And the scar?
445
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,667
Probably where
the film chafed me.
446
00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:01,801
Hey, this is great.
447
00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:03,501
Now I can put this
whole thing behind me
448
00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:04,667
and get on with my life.
449
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:05,901
Not so fast.
450
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:07,834
Who's to say that the mere
mention of a war movie
451
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:10,200
won't send you
into violent flashbacks?
452
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:12,701
That's ridiculous, Bernice.
I'm cured.
453
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:14,200
Hamburger Hill.
454
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:15,400
(screaming)
455
00:18:18,834 --> 00:18:21,334
I knew this would
come in handy some day.
456
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,501
I'm glad Duckman solved...
457
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,834
I mean,
"is dealing with" his problem
458
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:28,667
but I don't think
I will ever find Mai Lin.
459
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,501
Cornfed?
460
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:34,200
Mai Lin, is
it really you?
461
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:35,634
What are you doing here?
462
00:18:35,701 --> 00:18:37,467
I'm a consultant
on this movie.
463
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:39,267
It's about the most emotional
464
00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:41,334
heart-wrenching period
of my life.
465
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,868
And, if it's a hit,
I get 12 gross points
466
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:45,534
and a piece of
the merchandising.
467
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:46,868
Am I in it?
468
00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:48,667
Of course, Cornfed.
469
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:49,834
(as Cornfed):
Heidy-ho.
470
00:18:49,901 --> 00:18:51,167
Not bad,
471
00:18:51,234 --> 00:18:54,300
though he fails to fully
capture my Ozark twang.
472
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,767
Mai Lin, I don't quite know
how to ask you this.
473
00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:59,300
I'm not very good
at being direct on this subject.
474
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:00,734
When we knew each other,
did we...
475
00:19:00,801 --> 00:19:02,267
do the do?
Net the nasty?
476
00:19:02,334 --> 00:19:03,334
Join loins?
477
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,634
Dance the
horizontal hora?
478
00:19:04,701 --> 00:19:06,133
The wicked waltz?
The naked two-step?
479
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,200
Pump pig iron?
480
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:08,467
Oh, Corny,
481
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:10,367
you're still a charmer.
482
00:19:10,434 --> 00:19:13,334
But the answer is
no, we didn't.
483
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,934
But a boy came into my office
and said he was my son.
484
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,000
You're the only one
it could possibly
have been with.
485
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,100
I'm sorry, Corny.
486
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:21,033
Our relationship
was an island
487
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,501
of beauty and culture
488
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:24,167
and friendship,
in the middle
489
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,133
of all this death
and destruction.
490
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,567
I'll always remember you
491
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,601
but we didn't sleep together.
492
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:31,367
I don't have a son.
493
00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:34,968
I'm due back.
494
00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:38,200
I'd like a chance to talk
before you go.
495
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,167
Well, did you boff her
or not?
496
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:42,167
Shut up,
497
00:19:42,234 --> 00:19:43,868
you insensitive worm.
498
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:45,133
And if I don't?
499
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,534
I'll put you
in a Full Metal Jacket!
500
00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:50,067
In Country!
501
00:19:50,133 --> 00:19:52,334
You'll be a Casualty of War
on Jacob's Ladder
502
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,100
at The Hanoi Hilton
with Bat 21!
503
00:19:54,167 --> 00:19:56,434
Who'll Stop the Rain,Some Kind of Hero?
504
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,634
(screams):
No!
505
00:19:59,701 --> 00:20:02,067
Ng's not my son.
506
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:03,634
It was too good
to be true.
507
00:20:03,701 --> 00:20:05,067
I know how much this hurts me.
508
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:06,968
I can't imagine
how he's gonna feel.
509
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:10,067
And here's
Grandpa Urectal.
510
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:11,934
He fathered
33 children
511
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,634
until Grandma
laced his cereal
512
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:14,734
with fabric softener.
513
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:16,234
Now that you've met
514
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,601
our blood relatives,
515
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:20,334
it's time to meet
our extended family.
516
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,868
No!
517
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:24,033
Stop this torture!
I beg you!
518
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:25,100
I'll confess.
519
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:26,834
I'll tell you everything.
520
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,167
My name's not "Ng."
521
00:20:28,234 --> 00:20:29,367
It's Frank Nolan.
522
00:20:29,434 --> 00:20:31,934
I steal pictures
and run cons on pigs.
523
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,100
I'm just a scammer
who uses their credit cards
524
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,968
to finance my way
through dance school.
525
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:40,767
Please, take me to prison--
anything!
526
00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:43,734
Just don't make me listen
to any more!
527
00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:44,734
(gasps)
528
00:20:44,801 --> 00:20:46,100
(car horn beeps,
then a thud)
529
00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,634
I fought in one of history's
most devastating wars.
530
00:20:50,701 --> 00:20:52,934
Lives were lost,
homes were destroyed
531
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,133
but one ember
suddenly glowed
532
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,267
in the wake
of all that destruction.
533
00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:59,501
In the end, it's always
about families being torn apart.
534
00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:00,834
I thought it'd be nice
535
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:03,467
if, just once, a family
was created out of war.
536
00:21:03,534 --> 00:21:06,067
For a fleeting moment,
I knew what it was like
537
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,701
to have a son
to call my own.
538
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,968
I hope he knows no father
could have loved him more.
539
00:21:12,634 --> 00:21:14,834
I hope I get another chance
to have a family.
540
00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:16,667
I'm sorry, Cornfed.
541
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,000
I know how you must feel
542
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:21,934
but, always remember,
you do have a family.
543
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,934
You have us.
544
00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,567
(screaming)
545
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:28,234
Want some of the raisins
546
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:31,400
I found in that chicken coop,
Uncle Cornfed?
547
00:21:31,467 --> 00:21:39,701
(screaming continues)
548
00:21:39,767 --> 00:21:41,934
Mai Lin, wait!
We could start a family now.
549
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,033
It's not too late.
550
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,234
Mai Lin, please?
551
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:46,601
It'll only take a minute--
literally.
552
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,767
Mai Lin,
think of what a child will do
553
00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:50,434
for your movie's demographics!
39352
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