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1
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:11,033
(whistles)
2
00:00:35,434 --> 00:00:37,334
(quacks)
3
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,434
(applause and audience oohing)
4
00:00:51,734 --> 00:00:53,667
(screams)
5
00:00:53,734 --> 00:00:57,067
(audience gasping)
6
00:00:57,133 --> 00:00:58,667
(women screaming)
7
00:00:58,734 --> 00:00:59,968
(screaming, gasping)
8
00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:03,868
(blows landing)
9
00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:05,467
(judges gasping,
women screaming)
10
00:01:05,534 --> 00:01:08,634
(people shouting)
11
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:10,968
(video game warbles)
12
00:01:11,033 --> 00:01:12,567
(beeping)
Huzzah.
13
00:01:12,634 --> 00:01:16,133
Once again, Miss Congeniality
posted the highest body count.
14
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,133
Look, I'm not ordering squat
till you give me an answer.
15
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,667
What part of the chicken
is the nugget?
16
00:01:21,734 --> 00:01:23,701
That's it, boys.
I did my best.
17
00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:25,934
You want to eat, check that
big green container out back.
18
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,667
There always seems to be
something under the eggshells.
19
00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,200
We're not hungry, Dad.
20
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:31,567
We're too busy with disaffected
youth's latest cable trend--
21
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:33,734
unscrambling the faces
of death network.
22
00:01:33,801 --> 00:01:34,901
All snuff...
23
00:01:34,968 --> 00:01:36,234
All the time.
24
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:37,767
(doorbell rings, door opens)
25
00:01:37,834 --> 00:01:39,567
(chain saw whirring,
man screaming)
26
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:40,901
All right.
27
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,567
One less geek hawking
religion door-to-door.
28
00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:46,167
Remember, Duckman, everything
you think, say and do
29
00:01:46,234 --> 00:01:47,734
is bad for the children.
30
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:49,667
So if you have
to speak to them,
31
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,968
just repeat something
you've heard me say.
32
00:01:52,033 --> 00:01:54,234
Uh, what I meant was,
(screaming continues on TV)
33
00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:55,901
alas, children,
34
00:01:55,968 --> 00:01:58,367
has our moral compass
gone so far south
35
00:01:58,434 --> 00:02:01,367
that we call this sort
of trash entertainment?
36
00:02:01,434 --> 00:02:04,434
Truth be told, the world's
a disgusting place, Dad.
37
00:02:04,501 --> 00:02:06,534
Since we're helpless
to do anything about it,
38
00:02:06,601 --> 00:02:09,133
we've decided to embrace
its many horrors.
39
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,501
For example,
later on
40
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:12,367
we're helping Grandma-ma
with her sitz bath.
41
00:02:12,434 --> 00:02:13,701
(all shuddering)
42
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,200
Besides,
who are you kidding?
43
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:16,701
You love this stuff.
44
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:17,968
Now, now, be fair, Charles.
45
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:20,267
I mostly wallow
in sexual degradation.
46
00:02:20,334 --> 00:02:21,601
Speaking of which,
if I leave now
47
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:23,534
I can catch a few lap dances
before breakfast.
48
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:24,868
You know the drill--
if you make a mess,
49
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,167
push it all into a little corner
50
00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:27,501
so it looks like
you cleaned it up,
51
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,634
and don't let the police in
without a warrant. Ta-ta.
52
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,133
Cornfed, check out
the night crawler
53
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,267
I found in the bus station
men's room.
54
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:35,601
Three different
vibrating speeds--
55
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:38,767
slow, medium
and loss of consciousness.
56
00:02:38,834 --> 00:02:40,801
(screams)
57
00:02:40,868 --> 00:02:42,234
What are they doing here?
58
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,434
You know this kind of thing
makes my skin crawl.
59
00:02:44,501 --> 00:02:45,734
A group
of schoolchildren?
60
00:02:45,801 --> 00:02:48,400
Oh. I thought it was the
road company of Annie.
61
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,567
Duckman, this cross-section
of post-toddlers
62
00:02:50,634 --> 00:02:52,634
you nearly dragged through
puberty wants to hire us.
63
00:02:52,701 --> 00:02:55,300
Senor Duckman,
we need your help.
64
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:57,000
Our idol's disappeared.
65
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,334
Who's that? Barney?
66
00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,834
Check the local bathhouse.
67
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:01,801
We mean America, the supermodel.
68
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:03,734
Haven't you ever heard of her?
69
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:07,300
She's the best and most
beautiful model of them all.
70
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:09,868
That's why we all belong
in to her fan club.
71
00:03:09,934 --> 00:03:12,100
But last week,
she just disappeared.
72
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:14,167
Now we have no one
to believe in.
73
00:03:14,234 --> 00:03:15,467
Look, pygmies, love to help,
74
00:03:15,534 --> 00:03:17,400
even if I don't know
who this America is.
75
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:20,000
Unfortunately,
I always require a retainer.
76
00:03:21,033 --> 00:03:22,400
Oh, right.
77
00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:25,300
Like I'm desperate enough
to accept those as payment.
78
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,167
Kids, listen,
I understand your pain.
79
00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:31,167
I don't want you to leave
thinking I'm a totally
80
00:03:31,234 --> 00:03:33,033
heartless,
unfeeling human being.
81
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,334
Here's a little something
to take with you.
82
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,400
Pretend it's a rocket
ship or something.
83
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:39,000
Go on. Get.
Field trip's over.
84
00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:40,334
Hup two, three.
85
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:44,534
Thank you, Mr. Duckman,
for your time and...
86
00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:46,801
Can you believe
that diaper dribble?
87
00:03:46,868 --> 00:03:48,901
Where do you think you're going?
88
00:03:48,968 --> 00:03:50,767
To solve the case for those
doe-eyed little tykes.
89
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:52,901
In a world where hope
is a dwindling commodity,
90
00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:54,567
this is a rare opportunity
to restore some
91
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:55,968
in our country's youth.
92
00:03:56,033 --> 00:03:57,367
(yawning)
93
00:03:57,434 --> 00:03:59,100
Rarely do two detectives
have the chance
94
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:01,334
to make such a big difference
in the lives of so many.
95
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,167
(whistling)
96
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:04,667
Did I mention it gives us
the legal right
97
00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:06,567
to search a beautiful woman's
lingerie drawer?
98
00:04:06,634 --> 00:04:08,567
This one's
for the kids!
99
00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:15,334
Another titanium steel
triple-reinforced dead bolt
100
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,834
picked with nose hair.
101
00:04:16,901 --> 00:04:18,901
Next time use one
of your own.
102
00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:23,734
Hmm, what do we have here?
103
00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:25,567
Ah, big deal.
This kind of thing's common.
104
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:27,334
Who hasn't broken into
an ex-girlfriend's house
105
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,834
and left the occasional
note written in blood
106
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,734
or a small dead animal
on her pillow?
107
00:04:30,801 --> 00:04:32,334
The placement of items
on the floor
108
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,400
in the shape of a question mark
would lead one to assume
109
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:36,067
that these are clues
to her whereabouts.
110
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:37,434
What do you think?
111
00:04:37,501 --> 00:04:39,434
Duckman? Duckman?
112
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,834
It's called
looking for evidence, Hamhead.
113
00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:47,901
Let's sniff through...
uh, sift through these
114
00:04:47,968 --> 00:04:49,267
for any signs of...
115
00:04:54,968 --> 00:04:56,300
Is this...?
116
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,234
Yes, that's America.
117
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,734
She's beautiful, timeless.
118
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,000
But even more,
119
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:04,667
look at the compassion,
the wounded innocence.
120
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,667
Cornfed,
as the gods are my witness,
121
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:09,567
I will leave not
the tiniest pebble unturned
122
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:11,400
in my tireless search
to find America,
123
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:14,534
returning to those children
the role model every youth needs
124
00:05:14,601 --> 00:05:17,701
in order to become
a stable and mature adult.
125
00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:21,067
Perhaps you should start
by taking off her panties.
126
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:24,067
Work, work, work--
don't you ever punch out?
127
00:05:28,934 --> 00:05:30,200
That picture's still
haunting me, Corny.
128
00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:31,601
It's as if I've
met her before.
129
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:32,868
Look, I've got a foolproof
plan to find her.
130
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:34,434
I took these samples
from her carpet.
131
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,567
We can match them
against every shoe
in the tristate area.
132
00:05:36,634 --> 00:05:38,400
Oh, sure, it'll take
a couple of years,
133
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:39,734
but she's worth it.
134
00:05:39,801 --> 00:05:40,968
Or we could just
locate the person
135
00:05:41,033 --> 00:05:43,067
whose name and address
is engraved on this pipe.
136
00:05:43,133 --> 00:05:44,801
Yeah, whatever.
Either way's good.
137
00:05:53,434 --> 00:05:55,267
It appears
they don't allow
138
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:57,634
people of color
in this community.
139
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:00,100
Hi, Mr. Nelson!
140
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:01,868
Hi, little Billy.
141
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,400
Okay, Cornfed,
watch how it's done.
142
00:06:04,467 --> 00:06:06,000
You got to deal with
these middle class
143
00:06:06,067 --> 00:06:07,834
flee-to-the-burbs,
can't-stand-a-little-crime
144
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,334
in-the-big-bad-city
fringe dwellers
145
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,200
on their own level.
146
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:13,601
Excuse me, Mr....
147
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:16,534
(coughing)
148
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:18,934
(coughing)
Wilbur Nelson?
149
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,100
We're here to ask you a few
questions about America.
150
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:23,334
America.
Now, that takes me back.
151
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,067
How's my old flame doing?
152
00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:26,601
Burning a little low--
we can't find her
153
00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:28,100
and thought you might
know where she was.
154
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:32,067
Afraid I haven't seen America
for quite some time, friend,
155
00:06:32,133 --> 00:06:33,434
but, oh, what memories.
156
00:06:33,501 --> 00:06:35,734
When we met,
she was wholesome, innocent,
157
00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:36,901
and knew her place.
158
00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:39,000
We used to spend
entire evenings together--
159
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:42,367
our TV dinners on trays
in front of that glorious tube,
160
00:06:42,434 --> 00:06:44,634
watching warm,
idealized families
161
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:47,767
and non-threatening singing
and dancing minorities.
162
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:49,100
(groans, coughs)
163
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:50,834
But then
she started asking me things
164
00:06:50,901 --> 00:06:52,901
like what time I'd be home,
165
00:06:52,968 --> 00:06:55,567
or why she couldn't have
a say in decisions.
166
00:06:55,634 --> 00:06:57,100
(chuckling)
167
00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,100
Imagine a woman
questioning my authority.
168
00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:01,467
Dear...
(chain rattling)
169
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:03,367
will the gentlemen
be staying for dinner?
170
00:07:03,434 --> 00:07:05,100
I've fixed a roast.
171
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,434
Speak only
when spoken to, Kitten.
172
00:07:07,501 --> 00:07:09,334
(giggles)
173
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:10,734
If I may, it sounds to me
(Duckman coughing)
174
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:11,901
like you ignore
the world around you
175
00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:14,133
hoping its problems
will simply disappear,
176
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,400
but they might not.
177
00:07:15,467 --> 00:07:16,801
For all you know,
a member of your lodge
178
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,133
may be the Bobby
Sox Strangler,
179
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,634
your paper boy could
be a transvestite,
180
00:07:19,701 --> 00:07:20,734
and if you keep
spraying your lawn
181
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:22,567
with
dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane,
182
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:24,400
your next generation
of children
183
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:26,701
could grow limbs in socially
unacceptable places.
184
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,968
Wait a minute, you boys aren't
from around here, are you?
185
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:33,934
In fact, I'm starting to think
you might be... Communists.
186
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:34,968
Communists?
187
00:07:35,033 --> 00:07:36,000
Communists?
188
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,300
Communists?
189
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:38,567
(coughs)
190
00:07:38,634 --> 00:07:40,501
I don't even vote.
191
00:07:44,601 --> 00:07:46,267
Okay, so they
sucker-mobbed us.
192
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:47,734
He's still a prime,
grade A,
193
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,334
certified suspect
in my book.
194
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,200
Perhaps, but someone else
may have had an ax to grind.
195
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,367
Boy, you're sure putting
a lot of faith in these, uh...
196
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,000
What did you
call them again?
197
00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:57,601
Clues.
Yeah, right.
198
00:07:57,667 --> 00:07:59,367
There's only one place you
can buy a guitar like this--
199
00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:01,934
the All Strung-Out
guitar shop on campus.
200
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:07,033
(playing "Voodoo Child" intro)
201
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:10,234
I did a brief stint as
Hendrix in Legends on Ice.
202
00:08:12,968 --> 00:08:14,133
MAN:
Wow, man.
203
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,467
According
to the guitar shop proprietor
204
00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:17,634
we'll find him here.
205
00:08:17,701 --> 00:08:19,100
I haven't seen
this many flakes
206
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:20,868
since the last time
Ajax got scabies.
207
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:23,234
(gasping)
208
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,133
Is that my guitar?
209
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,968
Not that I remember
losing my guitar.
210
00:08:27,033 --> 00:08:28,467
'Course, I don't
remember August.
211
00:08:28,534 --> 00:08:30,067
You think there's
a connection?
212
00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:31,734
You must be Syncube.
213
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,734
I must?!
214
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,100
* I am he and you are thee *
215
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:42,000
* And he's a she
and coffee's free with a BLT *
216
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:45,901
* And NBC
and hi-diddle-diddly... *
217
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:48,901
* Dee! *
218
00:08:48,968 --> 00:08:50,334
Everybody, now!
219
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,601
86 the hootenanny,
Elvis.
220
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,267
Ow, man.
221
00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,367
The only singing you're going
to do is about America.
222
00:08:57,434 --> 00:08:59,100
I don't know anyone
by that name,
223
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:00,267
but I know an America.
224
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:01,534
When I first met her,
225
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:03,267
she was yearning to be free,
226
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,701
to break out,
to experience new things.
227
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:07,234
So I got her doing stuff
228
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:10,501
she'd never done before,
like trying to tie her shoes
229
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:12,133
after being up for a week,
230
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,267
or spending all day
staring at her hand,
231
00:09:14,334 --> 00:09:18,033
or laying around unconscious
in her own sputum.
232
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,634
You can't buy
those kind of memories.
233
00:09:20,701 --> 00:09:22,834
You been sitting
too close to the black light,
234
00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:24,300
magical mystery turd.
235
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:25,634
What happened to her?
Where'd she go?
236
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:28,167
Go? She's right
here, man.
237
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:31,868
My mistake.
238
00:09:31,934 --> 00:09:34,534
So many chicks around
here don't shave.
239
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,901
I'm guessing, but I'd say
his brain waves
240
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,634
crash a little short
of the beach.
241
00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:41,534
(siren wailing)
242
00:09:41,601 --> 00:09:42,868
It's Tuesday.
243
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:44,834
Time for
your weekly confrontation
244
00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:46,801
with oppressive
authority figures.
245
00:09:46,868 --> 00:09:50,000
(angry shouting)
246
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,601
It's driving
me crazy, Corny.
247
00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:53,200
The more I hear about her,
the more I want to hear.
248
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,901
I just wish I knew
where she might have gone.
249
00:09:54,968 --> 00:09:57,067
You got any more
of those glues?
250
00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:58,667
Clues.
I'm one letter off.
251
00:09:58,734 --> 00:09:59,834
Crucify me!
252
00:09:59,901 --> 00:10:01,200
It so happens
I do have another,
253
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,534
and my hunch is
she went the way
254
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:03,968
anyone coming from
that lifestyle
255
00:10:04,033 --> 00:10:05,567
would have gone--
headlong into the world
256
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:07,167
of the shallow
and self-obsessed.
257
00:10:07,234 --> 00:10:08,501
Network television?
258
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:12,000
A joke that easy deserved
an appropriate response.
259
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:14,000
(disco music playing)
260
00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:20,534
Hey, how's you doing?
261
00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:23,133
My name's Sal--
Sal Manella.
262
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,901
I dance here every night
'cause it's, like, uh,
263
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:27,367
a symbolic escape from
the socio-economic malaise
264
00:10:27,434 --> 00:10:30,167
of my environment.
265
00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:32,300
Or was it 'cause I like it
when people look at my butt?
266
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:34,167
Work it out later,
boogie-boy.
267
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,767
I got a question
for you first.
268
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,634
Wouldn't you dance better
with this?
269
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:40,100
Thanks. I've been looking
for that for years.
270
00:10:40,167 --> 00:10:41,901
All right,
you j-j-j-jive talking
271
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,501
village person,
where is she?
272
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:45,167
Who?
America.
273
00:10:45,234 --> 00:10:46,501
Huh?
America.
274
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:48,033
What?
America!
275
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,167
Whoa, what are the odds
I ask three questions
276
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:51,367
with the same answer?
277
00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:52,601
Take a look,
Andy Glib.
278
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:54,534
Maybe some of
the things you shared
279
00:10:54,601 --> 00:10:55,734
will jog your memory.
280
00:11:03,968 --> 00:11:05,634
Oh, yeah. Duh.
281
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:07,067
We usually went
to swapping parties
282
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:08,467
and slept with dozens
of total strangers,
283
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,234
basically building an
entire relationship
284
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,133
on lots of wild
and unprotected sex
285
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,767
without any love
or feeling at all.
286
00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:15,567
Okay, so there were
some good times.
287
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:16,801
Listen, Dancing Queen,
288
00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:18,133
you better hope
she's staying alive,
289
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,934
'cause America's
more than a woman.
290
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,067
And if you're even a fifth
responsible for harming her,
291
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:24,634
you'll be taking a soul train
straight to a disco inferno
292
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:27,000
where you never
can say good-bye!
293
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:29,934
For some reason, you make
me feel like dancin'.
294
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,334
Wait a minute,
I'm not through with you yet!
295
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,400
(yelling)
296
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,601
(grunting and groaning)
297
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:45,567
(slurping)
298
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:46,734
(yelling)
What the...?
299
00:11:46,801 --> 00:11:47,801
What's going on?
300
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:49,400
You blacked out and this
nice wine-soaked man
301
00:11:49,467 --> 00:11:50,734
gave you mouth-
to-mouth.
302
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:52,334
Call me?
303
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,100
(sputtering, spits)
304
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:56,901
Corny, what if I never
get to meet her?
305
00:11:56,968 --> 00:11:58,701
What if I never
get a chance to tell her
306
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,200
what I felt when I looked
at that picture?
307
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:01,467
He could have killed her!
308
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:02,667
Let's not be hasty.
309
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,000
He does have some
redeeming qualities.
310
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:06,901
We took first in
the hustle contest.
311
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,634
Yes, well...
312
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:10,000
before we jump to
any conclusions
313
00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,934
our next clue indicates
that America grew tired
314
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,634
of aimless decadence and
moved on to something
315
00:12:13,701 --> 00:12:14,834
more lucrative.
316
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,067
Wall Street.
317
00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:17,801
I know it's Sunday,
but we planned
318
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:19,267
a hostile takeover
319
00:12:19,334 --> 00:12:21,701
of my closest friend's
family business this morning.
320
00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:23,634
Secretaries. She
wants time off
321
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,667
for what she
insists on calling
322
00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:27,067
an operation on her colon.
323
00:12:27,133 --> 00:12:29,467
They found some sort of tumor,
or something.
324
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:31,634
Sheesh!
(phone ringing)
325
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:33,467
So much for the charming
patter, sushi-sucker.
326
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:34,934
We're looking for America.
327
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,067
America? I'm sorry,
I haven't seen her
328
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:38,400
since the pre-
nuptial hearing.
329
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,601
I've married someone
else-- Valerie--
330
00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:42,000
my trophy wife.
331
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:43,234
(chuckling)
332
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,834
Before America tired
of the rat race,
333
00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:47,234
she and I went through a
great deal of personal growth,
334
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,133
became better people together,
tried to help mankind...
335
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,601
(laughing):
I kid, of course.
336
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:54,100
We made lots of money,
blah-blah-blah,
337
00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:55,200
end of story.
338
00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:56,567
We also had
a solar-heated
339
00:12:56,634 --> 00:12:57,767
winter home in Telluride,
340
00:12:57,834 --> 00:12:59,167
complete with
a pedigreed golden retriever
341
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:03,300
because of course,
pedi greed is good.
342
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,634
My guess is, you had
everything you wanted.
343
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,434
You revolved your whole
life around being rich,
344
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:08,000
but it wasn't enough
for her, was it?
345
00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:09,801
Money is never enough
to make you happy.
346
00:13:09,868 --> 00:13:11,200
(whimpers)
347
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:13,400
It's all right.
An obsession with a woman
348
00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:15,767
can often cause a temporary
shock to your belief system.
349
00:13:15,834 --> 00:13:18,467
Listen, Duck,
I'm no stranger to ideals.
350
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:21,167
I sell them. $39.95.
351
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,267
WOMAN:
Mr. Stone, the SEC is here
about that lucrative
352
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:27,534
and extremely fortuitous
stock payoff.
353
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,400
Get back here,
Mr. Fancy Magic Shoes!
354
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:34,534
I'll trickle down all over you!
355
00:13:34,601 --> 00:13:36,334
I'll up your interest rate,
you hear me?
356
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,834
Get back
and tell me where she is!
357
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,801
At least this portion
of the investigation didn't end
358
00:13:40,868 --> 00:13:43,434
in another random and misplaced
act of violence.
359
00:13:43,501 --> 00:13:44,868
Freeze!
Don't move!
360
00:13:44,934 --> 00:13:46,367
(yelling)
361
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:48,767
(grunting)
362
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:53,334
Where is she?!
363
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,567
What happened?!
364
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,567
Which one of you
is responsible for this?!
365
00:13:56,634 --> 00:13:59,601
Nelson? Syncube?
Sal? Stone? Cornfed?
366
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:00,734
Cornfed?
367
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:02,801
I thought I should
hold on to the keys.
368
00:14:02,868 --> 00:14:04,033
I can't stand it, Corny!
369
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,567
We're never going to find her!
370
00:14:05,634 --> 00:14:07,400
And look at this!
371
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:09,400
We're down to our last, uh...
372
00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:11,267
Clue?
373
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,000
I think I just
bit into a squirrel.
374
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:15,367
Let's see...
the FDA allows
375
00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:16,801
a maximum of eight
percent rat feces,
376
00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:18,067
horse lips,
mashed insect,
377
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:22,834
and ocelot sphincter,
but no, no squirrels.
378
00:14:22,901 --> 00:14:25,434
Duckman, it's a note.
379
00:14:25,501 --> 00:14:26,701
"If you've gotten this far,
380
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,100
"you must be someone who cares
about my fate.
381
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,701
"Hopefully, after talking
to my ex-boyfriends,
382
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,534
"you can understand
why I've given up.
383
00:14:31,601 --> 00:14:33,868
"It's too late to save me,
but I hope you can forgive me.
384
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:37,467
Good-bye. America."
385
00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:40,534
Corny, she's dead.
386
00:14:50,701 --> 00:14:52,467
(rock music playing loudly)
387
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:54,467
(flies buzzing)
388
00:14:54,534 --> 00:14:56,734
Here's where
he's been hiding, Cornfed.
389
00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:58,434
He hasn't showered
in days.
390
00:14:58,501 --> 00:15:00,934
Other than that, he's acting
completely different.
391
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,167
It's a classic slacker response
to despair--
392
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:04,934
the dull, vacant stare,
the loss of brain cells,
393
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,400
the time and effort put in
394
00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:08,400
looking as unattractive
as humanly possible.
395
00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:10,467
He changed his name
to Keanu.
396
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,601
Send me 65 more
microwave burritos.
397
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:16,234
Just bill it to my step-mom
or my half-dad or my first dad,
398
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:18,434
or my half-step-uncle.
399
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,834
Pay up.
I didn't think anyone
400
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:23,467
could atrophy that quickly.
401
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:24,667
Boys, I told you not
to touch your father.
402
00:15:24,734 --> 00:15:25,934
He looks sticky.
403
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,601
Keanu!
You have a visitor.
404
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:29,934
He didn't hear the last part.
405
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,767
Having inundated himself
with music videos,
406
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:34,100
he's no longer able
to concentrate on any one thing
407
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,601
for longer than
a second and a half.
408
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:36,767
(music stops)
409
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:40,000
Corn flakes, corn hole,
ear of corn!
410
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:41,834
* Jimmy crack corn
and I don't care *
411
00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:43,434
* Jimmy crack... *
(yelling)
412
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:46,100
(crying)
You hurt me!
413
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:49,000
Oh, it hurts so bad!
414
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:50,901
Oh, boo-hoo!
415
00:15:50,968 --> 00:15:52,734
You hurt my face!
416
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:55,601
You hurt my wittle face!
417
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,067
(yelling)
418
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,934
I'm sorry I slapped you,
Duckman,
419
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,734
but I was trying
to calm you down.
420
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:04,667
And I guess just saying
the words "calm down"
421
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:06,934
would be considered
hopelessly simplistic.
422
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,868
The point is,
I'm worried about you.
423
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,100
We all are, right, Bernice?
Ah...
424
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:13,300
While becoming obsessed with
a dead woman you've never met
425
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:14,968
isn't a surefire sign
of insanity, chances are
426
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:18,000
you won't be manning
any missile silos for a while.
427
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,334
How dare you cheapen
my feelings for her
428
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,100
by implying that it's some
kind of insane obsession!
429
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,033
What's that, my dear?
You say you're hungry?
430
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,033
Eat, my love, eat.
431
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,567
Oh, why won't you eat?
432
00:16:28,634 --> 00:16:31,267
Tell me why, oh, why, oh, why,
oh, why, oh, why, oh, why?
433
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,200
I'm getting out of here
before the 3:00 drool.
434
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:34,534
Let's go, children.
435
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:37,133
I sure hope
no one offers you 50 bucks
436
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,100
to smother him with a pillow.
437
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,701
That would be wrong.
438
00:16:43,968 --> 00:16:46,200
You're keeping her note?
439
00:16:46,267 --> 00:16:47,767
That's mine!
Give it back.
440
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,434
This was yours.
441
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:50,601
You touched it.
442
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:51,834
The talking pig
doesn't understand.
443
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:54,067
Now you're gone.
You left me.
444
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:56,501
Me, I'm in dumps.
445
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:57,467
In dumps?
446
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,734
In dumps!
In dumps! In dumps!
447
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,667
In dumps! In dumps!
In dumps! In dumps!
448
00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:04,634
Well, he seems
to be getting better.
449
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,501
DUCKMAN:
America! America!
450
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,701
America!
451
00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:13,734
Ally-ally-oxen-free!
452
00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:17,601
America!
453
00:17:17,667 --> 00:17:18,767
Here I am.
454
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,767
America,
you're, you're...
455
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:23,400
I was going to say beautiful,
but actually, you could stand
456
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,334
being run through
the car wash a few times.
457
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,767
Why are you here?
458
00:17:26,834 --> 00:17:28,601
I'm tired, I'm sick.
459
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,734
I don't know why anyone
would want to find me.
460
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:33,634
Uh, because you're
sunshine, flowers,
461
00:17:33,701 --> 00:17:36,467
rainbows and daisies
all rolled into one
462
00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:38,901
and held together by, uh...
463
00:17:38,968 --> 00:17:40,467
a wad of something?
464
00:17:40,534 --> 00:17:42,000
Uh, gum?
465
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:44,033
No. I'm used up.
466
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:46,667
Everyone I met
just took from me.
467
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:48,467
They gave nothing back.
468
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,968
I was there for anyone
who'd care for me.
469
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:52,300
No one did.
470
00:17:52,367 --> 00:17:53,300
I care.
471
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:54,300
Too late.
472
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:55,767
You only felt
something for me
473
00:17:55,834 --> 00:17:57,234
after you thought
I was gone.
474
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,133
I guess so.
475
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,667
I guess I've had my share
476
00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:02,667
of bad luck
and bad relationships.
477
00:18:02,734 --> 00:18:04,300
Heck, I got suits
pending against me
478
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:05,701
from three different
dating services
479
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,067
and the teen chat line.
480
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:08,801
There've even been times
when I've wanted to give up,
481
00:18:08,868 --> 00:18:11,701
but if I do, how can I expect
things to ever get better?
482
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:14,601
What kind of world
would I be leaving for my kids?
483
00:18:14,667 --> 00:18:16,067
Don't give up, America.
484
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:18,968
You've got to keep going...
for your kids.
485
00:18:19,033 --> 00:18:21,067
(piano playing gentle melody)
486
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:29,601
* We are hope and love *
487
00:18:31,734 --> 00:18:35,868
* We are everywhere *
488
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:42,434
* When hearts need to believe *
489
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:49,534
* When we dare to care *
490
00:18:49,601 --> 00:18:51,133
* We are there *
491
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,300
* Every German
who chugs a beer *
492
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:54,467
* We are there *
493
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,534
* Every African
who throws a spear *
494
00:18:56,601 --> 00:18:57,601
* We are there *
495
00:18:57,667 --> 00:19:00,000
* Every Chinaman in a junk *
496
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:01,133
* We are there *
497
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,033
* Every Mexican in a trunk *
498
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,100
* We are there *
499
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:05,634
* Every Bedouin on a dune *
500
00:19:05,701 --> 00:19:06,934
* We are there *
501
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,734
* Every Frenchman
playing "Claire de Lune" *
502
00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:13,033
* We are there *
* Every Syrian or Kazakhstani *
503
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:14,200
* We are there *
504
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:16,467
* Every Giorgio and his Armani *
505
00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:17,634
* We are there *
506
00:19:17,701 --> 00:19:19,300
* Every Spaniard
playing second flute *
507
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:20,434
* We are there *
508
00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:22,367
* Every Dane, Norwegian
and Aleut *
509
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:23,601
* We are there *
510
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:24,801
* Every single guy
who's Aborigine *
511
00:19:24,868 --> 00:19:26,100
* We are there *
512
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,033
* Every Englishman
who's Walter Pidgeon-y *
513
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,300
* We are there *
514
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,701
* From Hollywood,
home of big celebrities *
515
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:32,968
* We are there *
516
00:19:33,033 --> 00:19:35,701
* To Vanuatu,
the old new Hebrides *
517
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:36,868
* We are there *
518
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:38,367
* From New Yorkers
eating steak tartare *
519
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:39,534
* We are there *
520
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:41,167
* To every friend
of Pablo Escobar *
521
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:42,367
* We are there *
522
00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,334
* From the Taiwanese
and Cuban Petes *
523
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:45,667
* We are there *
524
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:47,801
* To the Russians
with their soup of beets *
525
00:19:47,868 --> 00:19:49,000
* We are there *
526
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,868
* Every Tamil, Tartar,
Thai, Tibetan *
527
00:19:50,934 --> 00:19:52,267
* We are there *
528
00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:54,100
* And anybody else
that we're forgettin' *
529
00:19:54,167 --> 00:19:55,267
* We are there *
530
00:19:55,334 --> 00:19:57,000
* Everyone from Niger,
Tonga, Bali *
531
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,334
* We are there *
532
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,834
* The French Sudan,
which is now called Mali *
533
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:01,834
* We are there *
534
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,968
* Everybody up in Katmandu *
535
00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:05,501
* We are there *
536
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:07,701
* Every Canadian,
'cause we're there, too, eh? *
537
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:09,000
* We are there *
538
00:20:09,067 --> 00:20:11,968
You seemed even more manic
and unstable than usual
539
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:13,267
so I followed you.
540
00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:14,434
One thing puzzles me.
541
00:20:14,501 --> 00:20:15,834
How did you know
the smell of her note
542
00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:18,400
came from this particular
landfill's rotting food?
543
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,133
Elementary,
my dear Cornfed.
* We are there *
544
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,801
I was here just last week.
545
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:23,834
Don't tell Bernice,
but, uh,
546
00:20:23,901 --> 00:20:26,267
I got her a burial plot
for her birthday.
547
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:28,234
* We are there *
Mum's the word.
548
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,634
Duckman, you were right.
549
00:20:29,701 --> 00:20:31,501
I can't give up on my children.
550
00:20:31,567 --> 00:20:33,000
How can I ever thank you?
551
00:20:33,067 --> 00:20:34,734
Just take care of them.
552
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,801
I will. I promise.
553
00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:38,934
* We are there *
554
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,067
* We are there *
555
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:41,534
You know, Cornacious,
556
00:20:41,601 --> 00:20:43,033
I think everything's
557
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:45,968
going to work out
just fine for America.
558
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:49,033
Kids, why don't we all go out
for ice cream--
559
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,234
my treat.
560
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:51,767
(cheering)
561
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:53,033
* We are there *
562
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:55,968
Uh, could someone float
me a long-term loan?
563
00:20:56,033 --> 00:20:57,501
I'm broke.
564
00:20:57,567 --> 00:20:59,067
* We are there *
565
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,300
* Every Tajikistani with a yak *
566
00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:02,334
* We are there *
567
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,400
* Every Bolivian in a sack *
568
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:05,567
* We are there *
569
00:21:05,634 --> 00:21:07,634
* Every caner in Singapore *
570
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:08,767
* We are there *
571
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,801
* Everybody who's really sore *
572
00:21:10,868 --> 00:21:11,934
* We are there *
573
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,968
* Every Turk
in a Teaneck diner *
574
00:21:14,033 --> 00:21:15,133
* We are there *
575
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,200
* Or South African
diamond miner *
576
00:21:17,267 --> 00:21:18,400
* We are there *
577
00:21:18,467 --> 00:21:20,267
* Every gypsy
playing finger cymbals *
578
00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:21,634
* We are there *
579
00:21:21,701 --> 00:21:23,734
* Anyone who ever shopped
at Gimbels *
580
00:21:23,801 --> 00:21:26,767
* We are there *
581
00:21:26,834 --> 00:21:29,934
* We are there *
582
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,200
* We are there *
583
00:21:33,267 --> 00:21:36,000
* We are there *
584
00:21:36,067 --> 00:21:39,501
* We are there *
585
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:42,601
* We are there *
586
00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:46,033
* We are there... *
587
00:21:58,601 --> 00:22:00,467
* We are there *
588
00:22:00,534 --> 00:22:03,467
* We are there *
589
00:22:03,534 --> 00:22:06,968
* We are there *
590
00:22:07,033 --> 00:22:09,968
* We are there *
591
00:22:10,033 --> 00:22:13,968
* We are there *
592
00:22:14,033 --> 00:22:16,968
* We are there *
593
00:22:17,033 --> 00:22:19,968
* We are there *
594
00:22:20,033 --> 00:22:23,300
* We are there *
595
00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:26,968
* We are there *
596
00:22:27,033 --> 00:22:29,300
(fading):
* We are there... *
42464
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