Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:10,868
(quacks)
2
00:00:22,868 --> 00:00:24,734
(sizzling)
3
00:00:24,801 --> 00:00:27,167
(gasping):
Duckman...
4
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:28,501
I beg you...
5
00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:30,901
open windows...
6
00:00:30,968 --> 00:00:32,634
No. Aerodynamics...
7
00:00:32,701 --> 00:00:33,968
bad mileage...
8
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,267
What about the boys?
9
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:37,801
They're having a ball.
10
00:00:37,868 --> 00:00:39,801
Right, guys?
11
00:00:39,868 --> 00:00:40,901
Oh, yeah.
12
00:00:40,968 --> 00:00:42,734
Where to next week?
13
00:00:42,801 --> 00:00:43,968
The sun?
14
00:00:44,033 --> 00:00:46,968
How's Ajax?
15
00:00:47,033 --> 00:00:50,834
Glassy-eyed,
slack-jawed, drooling...
16
00:00:50,901 --> 00:00:52,667
Good...
17
00:00:52,734 --> 00:00:55,767
Ajax... normal.
18
00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:56,767
(gasps)
19
00:00:56,834 --> 00:00:58,968
Water!!
20
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:00,801
(tires squealing)
21
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:05,501
(noisy slurping)
22
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:08,601
(all burping)
23
00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:09,634
No time for bathrooms.
24
00:01:09,701 --> 00:01:11,100
We'll sweat it
out in the car.
25
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:12,200
Listen, shvitz for brains.
26
00:01:12,267 --> 00:01:13,501
We've been driving for hours.
27
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:15,133
Before we all became
too delirious
28
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,100
from the heat to question you
about it,
29
00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:19,100
you said we were going
for ice cream.
30
00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:20,701
We are, and I just need to make
31
00:01:20,767 --> 00:01:22,000
a teensy, little stop
along the way.
32
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:23,968
Let met guess-- you heard
about a jumbo jet crash
33
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,601
and we're all going out
to lie down in the wreckage
34
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,100
so we can get a piece
of the settlement money.
35
00:01:28,167 --> 00:01:30,467
I still say we'd be rich today
if you hadn't flinched
36
00:01:30,534 --> 00:01:33,501
when the doctor was checking
for paralysis with that pin.
37
00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:35,767
Anyway, this one's really gonna
be great. Ready?
38
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:37,767
I got a flier in the mail
that says
39
00:01:37,834 --> 00:01:40,100
I can get
a free clock radio-- free--
40
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:41,601
All I have to do is
drive across five states
41
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:42,901
and hear a week-long sales pitch
42
00:01:42,968 --> 00:01:45,234
for time-share condos
in Gleen Bay.
43
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,234
The town's called
Green Bay.
44
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:48,634
No, it's actually Gleen Bay.
45
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:51,534
"A secret city built beneath
Green Bay in the 1800s
46
00:01:51,601 --> 00:01:53,033
by Chinese railroad workers."
47
00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,033
They say, you can still hear
the screams.
48
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:57,133
Dad, why would you want
to buy a condo
49
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,167
in a haunted,
subterranean ruin?
50
00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:01,767
Oh, if women were only
as gullible as children,
51
00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:03,968
how much more fun
dating would be.
52
00:02:04,033 --> 00:02:06,534
Charles, the condo
wouldn't be for me.
53
00:02:06,601 --> 00:02:08,067
It'd be an investment.
54
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:11,167
Gee, and for a minute, I thought
you were a total imbecile.
55
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,501
Bernice, I am sick and tired
of you treating me
56
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,400
like some dim bulb melon-head
57
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:18,267
who's always on the verge
of his next screw-up.
58
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:20,234
All right, who had
"destroys car"
59
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,300
in the next Duckman
screw-up pool?
60
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:24,300
I had "buys
Lincoln Memorial."
61
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:26,334
"Loses house
in pyramid scam."
62
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,901
"Herpes."
63
00:02:27,968 --> 00:02:29,901
(siren blaring)
64
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,300
(hillbilly accent):
You folks lost?
65
00:02:40,267 --> 00:02:42,067
(baby talking):
Ooh, no, Officer.
66
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:44,801
We had the itsy bit
of car twouble,
67
00:02:44,868 --> 00:02:50,234
and, well, if you could dwive us
to town in your big, shiny car,
68
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,434
it would sure be a big
help-aly, welp-aly
69
00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:56,033
to little willy me.
70
00:02:58,267 --> 00:02:59,901
You folks lost?
71
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:01,801
Bernice, let me
handle this.
72
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:02,868
I speak yokel.
73
00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:05,734
Uh, Deputy, sir,
we sho nuff gots us
74
00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:08,601
a plumb dilly
of a predicament here,
75
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:12,334
and we needs your help
to keep us a-movin' on.
76
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,767
You folks lost?
77
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:25,934
(snoring)
78
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,167
(speaking gibberish)
79
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:30,834
You get the sense
the gene pool around here
80
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:32,868
could use
a little more chlorine?
81
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:34,100
Now, now don't be snobs.
82
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,501
This is the heartland,
83
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:37,100
the soul of our country,
84
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:39,767
the moral center
of our national identity.
85
00:03:39,834 --> 00:03:42,200
(slurring):
Does this look infected?
86
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:44,334
Let's blow this hellhole!
87
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,267
All right. I'll go
with Johnny One Note,
88
00:03:46,334 --> 00:03:47,801
see the sheriff
about getting our car fixed.
89
00:03:47,868 --> 00:03:49,367
Why don't you see if there's
any place to eat here
90
00:03:49,434 --> 00:03:52,133
where the menu doesn't have
the word "lips."
91
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,667
MAN:
I come home from a hard
shift at the manure plant
92
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,534
and find you sitting
in front of the damn TV!
93
00:03:57,601 --> 00:03:58,767
WOMAN:
Sis told me,
94
00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:00,467
"Don't marry our brother.
95
00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:01,567
He's crazy."
96
00:04:01,634 --> 00:04:03,234
MAN:
Shut your pothole!
97
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:06,634
I'm gonna have a drink
with Jim-Bob, Bob-Bob and Cal.
98
00:04:06,701 --> 00:04:08,868
Erlene, you almost
made me hit
99
00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:10,834
a two-headed kid,
you cow.
100
00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,234
What's this?
101
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,734
Nielsen box--
whole trailer park's got 'em.
102
00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:17,701
(honky-tonk music playing)
103
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:20,200
DUCKMAN:
Fun, fun.
104
00:04:20,267 --> 00:04:21,234
I haven't seen a crowd
this hostile
105
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,868
since the Jackson Family Honors.
106
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,734
(snorting and blowing)
107
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,067
What'll it be?
108
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:29,400
(refined accent):
Tampico and soda
109
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:30,834
with vodka ice cubes,
110
00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:33,167
a float and a saucer
of Scotch and Pepto-Bismol.
111
00:04:33,234 --> 00:04:34,501
A Duckman Depth Charge!
112
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:35,767
How'd you...?
113
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:40,033
King Chicken!
114
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,868
Accept no substitute.
115
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,334
Well, take my advice, K.C.,
116
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:45,834
you and your Sunshine Band
had better shake your booties.
117
00:04:45,901 --> 00:04:47,033
I'm meeting the sheriff here,
118
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:48,133
and as soon as I give him
the skinny on you,
119
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,334
your fat's in the fryer.
120
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,901
He'll make chicken soup
out of your matzo balls.
121
00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:53,100
You're gonna be up to your neck
in biscuits and coleslaw.
122
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,934
You...
Anyone else hungry?
123
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,300
Anyway, Chicken Man,
you're going straight to jail.
124
00:04:57,367 --> 00:04:58,534
(laughter)
125
00:04:58,601 --> 00:05:01,234
What, is... something
hanging out of my bill?
126
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,367
Hey, nice coat,
127
00:05:03,434 --> 00:05:04,901
but you got a little something
stuck on your shirt.
128
00:05:04,968 --> 00:05:08,200
Ki-ya! You are such
a mallard-headed nitwit.
129
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:11,501
I'm the sheriff here.
130
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:13,767
It's my hometown.
131
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,000
Everyone in Coopville
is related--
132
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,234
sometimes in two or three ways.
133
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,167
So, everyone is my kin,
which is why
134
00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:23,834
I'm also mayor,
justice of the peace, D.A.,
135
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:25,934
notary public and the sole owner
136
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,501
of the only frozen yogurt place
in town.
137
00:05:28,567 --> 00:05:29,868
Are mix-ins extra?
138
00:05:29,934 --> 00:05:31,367
(sarcastic laughter)
139
00:05:31,434 --> 00:05:34,634
Oh, I never get tired
of your... wit.
140
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:35,634
All right, King Chicken,
141
00:05:35,701 --> 00:05:37,300
you've got me,
but let my family go.
142
00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:38,567
I don't want you.
143
00:05:38,634 --> 00:05:39,767
Even better. Well, take
whichever one of them you want,
144
00:05:39,834 --> 00:05:41,300
but let me and the rest go.
145
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,767
I'm not going to hurt anyone,
Duckman.
146
00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:46,501
In fact, I've already
had your car repaired
147
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:49,167
and would be honored
if you would allow me
148
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:52,334
to buy you a drink
before I send you on your way.
149
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,200
What?!
Why would you let me go?!
150
00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:57,501
So that one day,
when you least expect it,
151
00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,267
I will trap you
in an elaborately woven web
152
00:06:00,334 --> 00:06:02,534
of diabolical deceit,
craven cruelty
153
00:06:02,601 --> 00:06:05,634
and evil so terrible
that it will turn your life
154
00:06:05,701 --> 00:06:08,300
into an unending,
torturous hell on Earth
155
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:10,701
where you'll be too frightened
to die
156
00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:12,400
and too damned to scream!
157
00:06:12,467 --> 00:06:15,167
Well, in that case,
let's have that drink.
158
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:17,300
Here, have one of mine.
159
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,133
(loud gulping)
160
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,501
(raspy-voiced):
Smooth.
161
00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:28,501
Sheriff, we found her
snooping around the park bench.
162
00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,968
It's called sitting,
you podunk pinhead,
163
00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:32,601
and if you don't let go,
164
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:34,634
I'm going to plant my foot
so deep in your keister,
165
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:38,300
they'll start calling you
Nike-breath!
166
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:41,067
(silkily):
Why, King Chicken, Evil Genius.
167
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,667
How nice to
see you again.
168
00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:46,200
And how nice to be seen.
169
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,934
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...
if Creature Feature is over,
170
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,868
what say we make
like a ske and daddle.
171
00:06:53,934 --> 00:06:57,334
Before you go,
may I propose a toast?
172
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,200
Well, why not?
Here's one of my favorites:
173
00:06:59,267 --> 00:07:01,100
"An Indian stick
is called a totem,
174
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,367
but underneath
is a big, swinging..."
175
00:07:03,434 --> 00:07:04,968
I have my own, thanks.
176
00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:08,200
"To Duckman,
wherever he may travel,
177
00:07:08,267 --> 00:07:12,300
"may he always know the answer
to that most sacred question:
178
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:18,100
Which came first,
the chicken or the egg?"
179
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,701
The egg.
(all gasp)
180
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,167
Uh, chicken?
181
00:07:25,534 --> 00:07:27,067
Good citizens of Coopville,
182
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:30,868
there is serious work to do.
183
00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:33,334
This heretic, this devil,
184
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,734
this Duckman wants to subvert
our way of life,
185
00:07:36,801 --> 00:07:38,934
fill our wholesome community
186
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,367
with his big-city disease
and corruption.
187
00:07:42,434 --> 00:07:44,801
Will we let him?
188
00:07:44,868 --> 00:07:46,634
ALL:
No!
189
00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:47,934
I promise you this:
190
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,234
I will act on your behalf,
191
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:54,534
always obeying the will
of that greatest power on Earth,
192
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:58,200
that most potent example
of democracy in action,
193
00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:01,133
an unruly mob!
194
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,934
(cheering and gunshots)
195
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,334
I'm going to get out of here,
you lousy screw!
196
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,734
They ain't built a joint
that can hold me.
197
00:08:16,801 --> 00:08:18,868
You hear me, screw?!
I'm getting out!
198
00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:22,634
Hey! My little sister
made this cup in metal shop.
199
00:08:22,701 --> 00:08:24,234
She was so proud of it.
200
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:26,167
Now it's all bent
and stuff.
201
00:08:26,234 --> 00:08:27,501
Sorry.
202
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,968
Sure, you're mad
at being hanged and all,
203
00:08:30,033 --> 00:08:32,934
but you didn't have
to take it out on this cup.
204
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,200
I said I was sorry.
205
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,534
Well, don't hurt nothing else.
206
00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:38,133
Okay!
207
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,667
Like that stool--
my brother made that,
208
00:08:40,734 --> 00:08:43,300
and that pillow--
my sister-in-law sewed it,
209
00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:44,467
and that bucket...
210
00:08:44,534 --> 00:08:45,534
I said okay!
211
00:08:45,601 --> 00:08:47,200
You got a visitor.
212
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:50,133
Just be thankful,
you're not a cup.
213
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,033
Corny! Am I glad
you're here.
214
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,968
They stuck me in jail
just because
215
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,968
I said that the egg
came before the chicken.
216
00:08:56,033 --> 00:08:57,868
(grunts)
They disagree.
217
00:08:57,934 --> 00:08:59,567
It's heresy in this town
to challenge
218
00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:01,167
their theory
of Chicken Creationism--
219
00:09:01,234 --> 00:09:02,234
the deeply held belief
220
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:03,400
that the chicken came
before the egg.
221
00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,133
It's the same kind of mindless,
222
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,934
intellectually bankrupt
belief system
223
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,701
once found in the druids
or the Reagan Administration.
224
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,667
Did you talk
to my lawyer/urologist
225
00:09:11,734 --> 00:09:12,901
Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?
226
00:09:12,968 --> 00:09:14,367
Yes, but he didn't
talk back.
227
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:16,767
He's dead-- a rare case
of peacetime fragging.
228
00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:18,267
Damn Coast Guard Reserve.
229
00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:20,167
My watertight butt
is in a sling.
230
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:23,300
Now I have no lawyer
to defend me.
231
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:26,234
Objection. I clerked
for a Supreme Court Justice
232
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,968
to finance my way
through VCR repair school.
233
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:31,000
Relax, Duckman.
I'll get you off.
234
00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:33,868
I mean, I'll see
that you're found not guilty.
235
00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:35,133
I hope so.
236
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,868
Boy, Bernice and the kids
must be worried sick.
237
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:39,667
Whee!
238
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:44,434
(carnival music plays)
239
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,601
(laughing)
240
00:10:05,801 --> 00:10:07,734
When people on TV watch TV,
241
00:10:07,801 --> 00:10:09,267
is everything backwards?
242
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,734
(all gasping)
243
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:13,667
Wouldn't baseball be more
exciting if the bats were alive?
244
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,267
(all gasping)
245
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:17,467
Sometimes I get
a really bad headache,
246
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,033
like my head is in a vise,
247
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:22,234
and usually it turns out
that's exactly what's wrong.
248
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:24,167
(screaming)
249
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,234
How'd you get to be
such a good shot?
250
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:33,367
I've got this
machine at home.
251
00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:37,067
I can't wait to show you
the Coopville Spittoon Museum
252
00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:38,400
and Mucatorium.
253
00:10:38,467 --> 00:10:43,033
My heavens, how your civic pride
impresses me!
254
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,701
If I tell you
what impresses me about you,
255
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:46,868
you'll blush.
256
00:10:46,934 --> 00:10:48,767
(giggling):
Tee-hee!
257
00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:51,400
I try to stay firm.
258
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,601
You succeed!
259
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,801
(giggling)
260
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:59,667
Were you abused
by your parents?
No.
261
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:01,133
Teased at
school?
No.
262
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,033
A victim of
racial rage?
No.
263
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,200
Sexually harassed?
No.
264
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,033
Fired for being
chronically tardy?
No.
265
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,133
You ever eat
Twinkies?
266
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,000
It's no use! They've got me!
267
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,868
Mother of Mercy!
Is this the end of Duckman?!
268
00:11:10,934 --> 00:11:12,467
Duckman, we've
been caged,
269
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,901
beaten, chased by murderers,
blasted by computers,
270
00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:16,868
and through all that,
one thing never fails:
271
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,367
the way you fall apart
right before crunch time,
272
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:19,734
crying and moaning,
273
00:11:19,801 --> 00:11:22,200
like a spineless
and pathetic little pansy.
274
00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:23,033
What's your point?
275
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,834
No point. Just venting.
276
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:26,467
(yells)
277
00:11:30,367 --> 00:11:31,968
This is like coupon night
at Sizzler.
278
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,734
Let's string
the gol-darn egg lover up.
279
00:11:36,834 --> 00:11:40,267
Now, don't you go
and do anything drastic,
280
00:11:40,334 --> 00:11:41,334
Uncle Goopy.
281
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,801
He's got a right
to a fair trial.
282
00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:45,234
That's why I got a judge
283
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,400
from outside of Coopville
to preside.
284
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,200
Hey, that's mighty
white meat of you.
285
00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:53,634
Allow me to introduce
Judge Kennesaw Mountain Chicken.
286
00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:57,801
Huh. What are the odds he has
the same last name as you?
287
00:11:57,868 --> 00:11:59,434
Well, of course, he does.
288
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:00,734
He's my pappy.
289
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:03,634
Your pappy?! But you just said
an impartial judge
290
00:12:03,701 --> 00:12:05,067
from outside Coopville!
291
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:07,033
That's right, Duck-tari.
292
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:08,734
Pappy lives in Bixley.
293
00:12:08,801 --> 00:12:09,701
You mean...?
294
00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:10,767
Exactly.
295
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:13,767
The town line
is right behind you.
296
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,400
Coopville, Bixley,
Coopville, Bixley.
297
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:17,767
(crowd laughing)
298
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:20,100
Coopville, Bixley,
Coopville, Bixley.
299
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,367
(nails screeching)
300
00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:26,601
We gonna give him
a fair trial, all right.
301
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,367
Then, we gonna string him
and swing him
302
00:12:29,434 --> 00:12:31,901
by his scrawny, sinnin' neck
303
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:37,534
until... he... is... dead.
304
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:40,300
Can somebody get him a tic tac?
305
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,767
(bell tolling)
306
00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:57,634
Friends of the
prosecution
307
00:12:57,701 --> 00:12:58,968
to the right.
308
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,868
Defense to
the left.
309
00:13:01,934 --> 00:13:04,133
Ajax.
310
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:11,567
(Elvis-type
entrance music playing)
311
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:14,234
(people cheering
and clamoring)
312
00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:18,934
Squeal. Look.
313
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,567
I got his autograph.
314
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,667
It's for a friend of mine
315
00:13:22,734 --> 00:13:25,400
who happens
to be named... Cornfed.
316
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:26,467
On a brighter note,
317
00:13:26,534 --> 00:13:27,634
I spoke to Fluffy and Uranus
this morning.
318
00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:29,334
They said they're
working night and day
319
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,100
to gather evidence
that may help acquit you.
320
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:34,934
It's limbo time!
321
00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:40,634
What the heck you staring at?
322
00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:42,601
Is it my big, ugly butt?
323
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:46,300
Oyez, oyez, oyez!
324
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,367
Yeah?
325
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:48,534
Chester Oyez,
326
00:13:48,601 --> 00:13:50,868
we've been through this
a million times.
327
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:54,501
Oh, right. Forgot.
328
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,467
All rise for His Honor
329
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:58,434
Judge Kennesaw Chicken.
330
00:13:58,501 --> 00:14:01,234
(people cheering)
331
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:04,601
Hold it down, folks.
332
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:07,100
Want to be able to hear them
building the gallows, don't we?
333
00:14:07,167 --> 00:14:08,634
(laughter)
334
00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:11,734
Pappy... uh, Your Honor,
I move that we dispense
335
00:14:11,801 --> 00:14:14,434
with jury selection
and empanel the people
336
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,801
who mistakenly
sat in the jury box
337
00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:18,434
instead of
the gallery.
338
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:19,901
Motion granted.
339
00:14:19,968 --> 00:14:21,834
Jury is accepted.
340
00:14:21,901 --> 00:14:25,868
Your client has been charged
with espousal of Egg-olutionism.
341
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,267
Who will present his case first?
342
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:29,434
I won the toss.
343
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:31,634
Your Honor, ladies
and gentlemen of the jury,
344
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:33,434
I intend to... uh,
345
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:35,868
Your Honor, I feel it might
unduly prejudice the jury
346
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:37,067
if you continue to allow
347
00:14:37,133 --> 00:14:39,167
the district attorney
to sit on your lap.
348
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:40,701
Very well.
349
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,100
Sonny, go on over there.
350
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:45,067
We will prove
beyond the shadow...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
351
00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:47,234
Sit down and shut up.
You made your point.
352
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:49,901
Yeah, I've laid
the groundwork.
353
00:14:49,968 --> 00:14:52,434
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
354
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:55,734
think of an innocent child
picking a daisy
355
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:58,000
on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
356
00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:01,334
Now, imagine Duckman roaring
out of nowhere,
357
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,501
driving a large truck.
358
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:04,400
He hits her and kills her.
359
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:06,334
Then he backs up
and he runs over her
360
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,000
again and again and again!
361
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,267
A sadistic beast
362
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:11,767
with a deranged,
savage lust for blood.
363
00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:13,534
Objection. What's this fantasy
got to do
364
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:15,033
with the case before the court?
365
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,033
Sustained.
366
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,334
The jury will
disregard the fact
367
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,901
that the defendant
wantonly, brutally
368
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:23,400
and carelessly killed
a little girl.
369
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:25,067
Ha! Won that one.
370
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,534
So, you can't
say for sure
371
00:15:28,601 --> 00:15:31,901
that Duckman is not
the Anti-Christ come to flesh.
372
00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:33,901
No more questions,
Your Honor.
373
00:15:33,968 --> 00:15:35,300
Defense, cross?
374
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,834
No. Just
a little peeved.
375
00:15:37,901 --> 00:15:39,167
(chuckling)
376
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:40,300
Order! Order!
377
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:43,667
Levity will not help
your case one bit.
378
00:15:45,367 --> 00:15:47,000
His character?
379
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:50,467
Well... he did refuse
to give to Jerry's Kids.
380
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:54,367
His exact words were,
"I don't give money to anyone
381
00:15:54,434 --> 00:15:57,767
who can't walk up to me
and thank me for it."
382
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:58,434
Objection.
383
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,000
On what grounds?
384
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:02,100
The need to distract the jury
from hearing the truth.
385
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:04,968
Overruled, overruled, overruled!
386
00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:05,634
Yeah?
387
00:16:05,701 --> 00:16:06,968
Fred Overruled,
388
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:08,467
you sit your butt down.
389
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:12,701
This is gonna continue
being a problem, ain't it?
390
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,200
He said egg!
391
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:16,534
Plain as day,
I heard him say egg!
392
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,801
Came right out
and said egg, he did.
393
00:16:18,868 --> 00:16:20,100
Egg!
Egg!
394
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,133
Egg!
Egg!
395
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,300
Egg!
Egg!
396
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:23,367
Egg!
Egg!
397
00:16:23,434 --> 00:16:25,567
You folks lost?
398
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:27,200
I mean... Egg.
399
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,501
Egg.
Egg.
400
00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:29,501
Egg.
Egg.
401
00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:30,534
Egg.
Egg.
402
00:16:30,601 --> 00:16:31,734
Your Honor, I believe
403
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:34,167
the prosecution
has made its point,
404
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:36,334
plus, some people are sneaking
back in line for seconds.
405
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,234
He's just mad because he doesn't
have any witnesses of his own.
406
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,667
I'm afraid
that's a forfeit!
407
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,200
It's a do-over.
Forfeit.
408
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,601
Do-over.
Forfeit.
409
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,467
Do-over.
It's a forfeit!
410
00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:48,701
Duckman,
is there anything you want
411
00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:50,734
before I sentence you to death?
412
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:53,534
To sit through
the entire director's cut
413
00:16:53,601 --> 00:16:55,367
of Dances with Wolves?
414
00:16:55,434 --> 00:16:56,434
Ha! I can't wait
415
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:58,167
to see you dangle.
416
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:01,133
King, I-I never dreamt
you found me attract...
417
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:05,634
Quiet! Duckman, this court has
no choice but to find you...
418
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:06,734
Hold it, Your Honor!
Wait!
419
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:08,901
Where did you kids
get this stuff?
420
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:10,834
We were able to research
case law in forensics
421
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:13,300
using a computer
spectroscope and centrifuge,
422
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,367
we built out of sagebrush
and manure.
423
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,067
We saw it on MacGyver.
424
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:18,467
Duckman, did you know
425
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:20,200
that it was against
the law to say egg?
426
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:23,234
Uh... ha... eee... no?
427
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,534
Ignorance of the
law is no excuse.
428
00:17:25,601 --> 00:17:27,033
Actually, this is
429
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:30,067
the one time where ignorance
is a legal excuse.
430
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:32,167
I didn't know that.
431
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:33,567
(murmuring)
Me neither.
432
00:17:33,634 --> 00:17:35,901
Well, looks like I got no choice
433
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:38,234
but to find the defendant
not guilty.
434
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:39,868
Not so fast.
435
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,834
I'm taking on my own defense,
436
00:17:41,901 --> 00:17:43,934
and I wish to call a witness.
437
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,033
In light of the fact
that this case is won
438
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,067
and at the risk
of sounding insubordinate,
439
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,834
are you out
of your (bleep) mind?
440
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:51,501
I've got a plan, Corny.
441
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:52,834
Duckman, the lawyer
who represents himself
442
00:17:52,901 --> 00:17:54,300
has a fool for a client.
443
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,601
Exactly, old friend.
444
00:17:56,667 --> 00:18:00,400
The defense calls
King Chicken!
445
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:04,501
Let the defense
have its fishing expedition.
446
00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:06,634
The people are confident.
447
00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:08,300
Do you swear
to tell the truth,
448
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:10,701
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?
449
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:13,367
That I'm evil incarnate
notwithstanding, I do.
450
00:18:14,901 --> 00:18:17,934
King Chicken, was it
you or me that day
451
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,567
who said egg?
452
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:21,200
This is your plan?
453
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,400
Just answer
the question.
454
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:24,734
It was you.
455
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,334
Exa... Oops.
456
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,300
Well, was my saying egg
457
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:31,400
in any way because
of ventriloquism?
458
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:33,567
And remember,
you're under oath.
459
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,601
No. There was no ventriloquism.
460
00:18:35,667 --> 00:18:37,100
Uh, ha-ha.
461
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:40,100
Did you, uh, use any kind
of a hypno-ray on the crowd
462
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:43,534
that made them hear "egg"
when I really said "chicken"?
463
00:18:43,601 --> 00:18:46,200
You idiot! I assumed
you had a reason for...
464
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:47,400
Ah! You assumed!
465
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:48,601
Is that correct?
466
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:49,834
(choking growl)
467
00:18:49,901 --> 00:18:51,000
Yes!
468
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:52,868
Well, you shouldn't assume
469
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:55,100
because when you assume, you...
470
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,567
you... wait.
There's a trick here.
471
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:58,901
I used to know it.
472
00:18:58,968 --> 00:19:00,834
You slobbering, simpering...
473
00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:02,801
Your Honor,
I am not the one
474
00:19:02,868 --> 00:19:04,234
who's on trial here.
475
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:07,334
Actually, you are the one
who's on trial here.
476
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,033
Well, then forget
I said anything.
477
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,000
Is it true you're
really Japanese?
478
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,367
I'm not Japanese!
479
00:19:12,434 --> 00:19:13,934
You just said you were.
480
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,033
I didn't know
you was Japanese.
481
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,334
I'm not! I'm not Japanese!
482
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,734
Methinks thou doth protest
too much!
483
00:19:20,801 --> 00:19:24,167
Me further thinks that thou
doth commitst yon crime
484
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,434
and does forthwith,
to wit, to woo
485
00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:28,934
doth pinn't on me,
yet blam't on you.
486
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,367
You're mad!
You're stark raving mad!
487
00:19:31,434 --> 00:19:34,367
Perhaps, but would it
surprise you to learn
488
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:36,968
that there is a method
to my madness?
489
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:37,934
Yes!
490
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:38,934
Me, too!
491
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,033
What are you talking about?
492
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:43,801
I don't know, but I do know
493
00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:46,968
that even though there isn't
a thought in my head,
494
00:19:47,033 --> 00:19:50,601
it is my right as an American
to talk and talk and talk
495
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:53,367
and talk and talk
and talk and talk and...
496
00:19:53,434 --> 00:19:55,968
(yammering)
497
00:19:56,033 --> 00:19:57,801
I can't take it anymore!
498
00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,801
I confess!
499
00:19:59,868 --> 00:20:01,934
I masterminded the whole thing.
500
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,033
I sent the condo flier,
I built the water fountain,
501
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,634
I sabotaged your car--
all part of my plan
502
00:20:07,701 --> 00:20:09,100
to start a new world
503
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,534
worshipping at an altar
of my own design.
504
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:12,968
Chicken Creationism
505
00:20:13,033 --> 00:20:15,400
would infect
every town and city--
506
00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:18,367
a massive organization
of small-minded intolerance
507
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:20,434
so powerful it could
defeat anything
508
00:20:20,501 --> 00:20:22,968
except, of course,
N.Y.P.D. Blue,
509
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:27,133
and I would be the messiah,
but I knew I needed a Judas,
510
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,467
so I drugged you to say egg
511
00:20:29,534 --> 00:20:31,934
and made you
an enemy of the people--
512
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,000
the glue to hold
my society together,
513
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,000
for nothing so unites
the ignorant masses
514
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:40,734
like a common hatred.
515
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:42,734
I still get
the clock radio, right?
516
00:20:42,801 --> 00:20:44,267
Why, you...!
517
00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:46,133
You want to know
why I did this?
518
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,200
Made fun of you
when you were kids,
519
00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:49,801
ridicule, get your revenge,
who's laughing now,
520
00:20:49,868 --> 00:20:51,033
the whole schmear, right?
521
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,734
Oh. Right.
522
00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:54,634
Hang him high.
But, Pappy...
523
00:20:54,701 --> 00:20:56,968
Pappy nothing.
You're a bad seed.
524
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:59,334
You're power-hungry,
crazy as a loon;
525
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,400
plus, your frozen yogurt's
too damn expensive.
526
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:03,901
Oh, Kingy!
527
00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:06,434
I'll always remember
our time on the bicycle,
528
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,534
and the time
under the porch,
529
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,834
and those two times
530
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,133
inside the mechanical clown
at Burger Barn.
531
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:16,133
Bernice, one kiss
before I die.
532
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,567
Ugh!
533
00:21:17,634 --> 00:21:19,868
(sobbing):
Adieu... Adieu!
534
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:20,834
Yeah?
535
00:21:20,901 --> 00:21:22,934
I hate this town.
536
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,400
Thanks for all your help, boys,
537
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,367
but deep down,
I knew I'd win.
538
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:28,367
I've got a higher power
on my side.
539
00:21:28,434 --> 00:21:29,567
You mean...?
540
00:21:29,634 --> 00:21:31,367
Even higher than that.
541
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,767
(Paramount logo music playing)
542
00:21:36,834 --> 00:21:37,701
Let's go home.
543
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:39,167
BERNICE:
That's funny.
544
00:21:39,234 --> 00:21:41,267
One of my hairpins
is missing.
545
00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:43,267
(fiendish laughter)
546
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,434
(stuttering)
547
00:21:48,501 --> 00:21:50,634
That's everything
we've got, people.
38552
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
