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1
00:00:09,934 --> 00:00:11,033
(whistles)
2
00:00:36,334 --> 00:00:37,334
(quacks)
3
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:42,901
Earth. Majestic, awe-inspiring,
4
00:00:42,968 --> 00:00:47,067
and home to the richest people
in the universe.
5
00:00:47,133 --> 00:00:49,200
Simply, hi.
6
00:00:49,267 --> 00:00:50,834
I'm Dr. Conrad Milo
welcoming you
7
00:00:50,901 --> 00:00:54,501
to the world-famous
Conrad Milo Rehab Center,
8
00:00:54,567 --> 00:00:59,400
where affluent addicts go for
a quick fix of their careers.
9
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:00,868
It's methadone wishes
10
00:01:00,934 --> 00:01:02,300
and withdrawal-induced dreams.
11
00:01:02,367 --> 00:01:04,234
For wherever you find the rich
12
00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:06,501
you'll find the rich
in a stupor.
13
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,634
Want a peek
at the grotesque luxury inside
14
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:10,968
where dependence
meets resplendence?
15
00:01:11,033 --> 00:01:14,367
Sorry. Only the most privileged
get that privilege
16
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:16,534
for a wallet-wearing
$8,000 a day.
17
00:01:16,601 --> 00:01:18,934
Most major platinum cards
accepted.
18
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,200
Is that the famous
falsetto-singing,
19
00:01:21,267 --> 00:01:22,367
leather-clad pop star
20
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:24,734
who's tested more drugs
than the F.D.A.?
21
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:25,968
We can't say.
22
00:01:26,033 --> 00:01:27,801
Could that be the blonde-haired,
23
00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:29,868
green-eyed TV she-demon
whose bedroom bedlam
24
00:01:29,934 --> 00:01:32,467
got her thrown off
three series in a row?
25
00:01:32,534 --> 00:01:34,734
You didn't hear it from us.
26
00:01:34,801 --> 00:01:37,501
So remember,
when you've got a secret shame
27
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:39,400
you want leaked to the world
28
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,767
so you'll have a sympathetic
and fault-free excuse
29
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:44,000
for your recent
outrageous behavior
30
00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:46,400
think Milo.
31
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:48,767
So let me get
this straight.
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00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:50,767
You run a glorified cappuccino
and croissant
33
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,067
clip joint
where the rich and blitzed
34
00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:53,100
get to spend two weeks
in a hot tub
35
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:55,300
instead of six years in maximum
36
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:56,901
as a pin-up boy
for a guy named Back-Door Billy?
37
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,367
Yes, and I'd like
38
00:01:58,434 --> 00:02:01,467
to hire you for a job.
And a fine clip joint it is.
39
00:02:01,534 --> 00:02:03,367
Have I told you how
impressed I was by the way
40
00:02:03,434 --> 00:02:04,901
that former child star didn't
rob a convenience store
41
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:07,000
for over three weeks after he
checked out of your place?
42
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:09,367
So, care for some coffee?
43
00:02:09,434 --> 00:02:11,300
I never touch caffeine.
44
00:02:11,367 --> 00:02:12,868
Good. There's only one pot.
45
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:16,000
(screams)
46
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,767
What led you through
the hopelessly tangled
underbrush
47
00:02:17,834 --> 00:02:20,000
of private security
organizations to our door? Hmm?
48
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:22,200
Stellar word-of-mouth?
Our fine client roster?
49
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,133
Those flyers we put up
in that public urinal?
50
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,133
I needed detectives
who were so low on the ladder
51
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,100
there was absolutely no way
anyone rich or famous
52
00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:32,133
could have ever heard of them.
53
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,200
Hey. We may not have the
recognition of detectives
54
00:02:34,267 --> 00:02:38,567
who go around "solving cases,"
but we do just fine, thank you.
55
00:02:40,901 --> 00:02:42,400
What Duckman is trying to say
in his endearing-
56
00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:45,000
yet-somehow-it-manages-to-scare-
all-our-business-away manner
57
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,701
is that we'd love to hear
about your case.
58
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,734
(burping loudly)
59
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:51,534
Exactly. Let's hear
what you got.
60
00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:55,067
I believe someone
is trying to kill me.
61
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,300
Do you have any proof?
This note.
62
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,501
"Dear Dr. Milo,
I'm trying to kill you."
63
00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:00,801
Hmm. Nothing more definite?
64
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:01,801
I found a gun.
65
00:03:01,868 --> 00:03:02,834
Probably a toy.
66
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:03,968
(bird squawks)
67
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:04,934
And a knife.
68
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,834
Proves nothing.
(squawks)
69
00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:08,334
And this bomb.
70
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,334
I get these every day.
71
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,133
(bird squawks)
72
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,834
Uh, next time,
you might want to tell me
73
00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:16,901
it's on a timer,
you know, for rhythm.
74
00:03:16,968 --> 00:03:18,667
I was thinking you
could go undercover
75
00:03:18,734 --> 00:03:21,934
in my clinic and take
over my therapy group.
76
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,701
Yes, well, warn us next time
you're planning on thinking.
77
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:26,667
I'll investigate the lap
of luxury as a patient.
78
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:28,601
We'll let Corny
talk to the sickos.
79
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,367
Fluffy, Uranus,
get your fuzz butts in here!
80
00:03:31,434 --> 00:03:32,834
(alarm buzzing)
(screams)
81
00:03:32,901 --> 00:03:35,567
Time for my smoking patches.
82
00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:37,868
BOTH:
You bellowed, Mr. Duckman?
83
00:03:37,934 --> 00:03:39,334
I'm taking a vacation.
84
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:40,667
Where's my bathing suit
with the padded bulge?
85
00:03:40,734 --> 00:03:43,167
It should be in here,
right next to your
86
00:03:43,234 --> 00:03:46,100
foam rubber
pectoral enhancer.
87
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,734
(gulping)
88
00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,133
Eeh! Ack!
89
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,167
Ugh! This lemonade
tastes terrible.
90
00:03:51,234 --> 00:03:54,067
We were worried you were eating
too much sugar,
91
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,067
so we substituted
finely ground chalk.
92
00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:56,834
Chalk?
93
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:58,234
Studies show
94
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,934
most adults are
chalk deficient.
95
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,667
And it's organic.
96
00:04:02,734 --> 00:04:04,167
Oh. You like organic?
97
00:04:04,234 --> 00:04:07,901
Well, there's nothing more
organic than a real live body.
98
00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:09,334
(screaming)
99
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:15,801
(screaming)
100
00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,767
Grilled to perfection.
101
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:23,501
Mr. Duckman,
perhaps when this is finished
102
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:27,200
an extra two weeks at the clinic
might do you some good.
103
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,534
Me? Ha!
104
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,634
Places like that
are for the weak, spineless--
105
00:04:30,701 --> 00:04:32,901
people so blinded
by their selfish needs
106
00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:34,267
they don't have a clue
what they're doing
107
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:36,734
from one minute to the next.
108
00:04:36,801 --> 00:04:38,934
Duckman, you know those
are mothballs, right?
109
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,334
(chuckles)
110
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,000
Just so happens that my doctor
says I need more camphor.
111
00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:46,400
DUCKMAN:
Almost there,
my cloved-foot comrade.
112
00:04:46,467 --> 00:04:48,868
Time to mingle with
the millionaires,
113
00:04:48,934 --> 00:04:52,434
gallivant with the glitterati,
hobnob with the hoi polloi.
114
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,200
And with any luck, of course,
keep a man from being killed.
115
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,601
Right, right, there's
always the side benefits.
116
00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:58,667
Who is that?
117
00:04:58,734 --> 00:04:59,934
God, I wonder who that is.
118
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,100
Touch me,
touch me.
119
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:03,534
(paparazzi groaning)
120
00:05:03,601 --> 00:05:05,400
It's just a duck.
121
00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:08,667
Cyrus Red Herring,
McGuffin Security.
122
00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:09,801
Are you rich?
No.
123
00:05:09,868 --> 00:05:11,200
Famous?
No.
124
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,634
Ever been sexually involved
with a political candidate?
125
00:05:13,701 --> 00:05:14,968
No, but I did get approached
126
00:05:15,033 --> 00:05:17,634
by an Arkansas state trooper
a few years back.
127
00:05:17,701 --> 00:05:19,400
(blubbering)
128
00:05:21,501 --> 00:05:24,067
Heh, heh. Well I guess you found
all the...
129
00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:25,200
Ow!
130
00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:26,534
(grunts)
131
00:05:26,601 --> 00:05:28,901
That's where I put
my espresso machine.
132
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:34,367
(screams)
133
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,701
Whee!
134
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:36,868
(screams)
135
00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:38,901
(grunts)
136
00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:40,234
What the...?
137
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,767
Ugh. Look at this hellhole.
138
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:43,601
Rats, vermin...
139
00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:46,934
body parts
spread all over the room.
140
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:47,934
(screams)
141
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,667
Dr. Milo.
142
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,234
Hmm... 9 and a half.
143
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,234
Hard to believe
144
00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:03,400
these are the dismembered
remains of Dr. Milo,
145
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:05,367
the bloodied tatters
of his lifeless corpse
146
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:07,634
splattered on the walls
like so much worthless refuse.
147
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,834
You think that's bad?
Look at the room they gave me.
148
00:06:09,901 --> 00:06:13,067
No air, no cable,
no continental breakfast
149
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,801
with those cute little jars
of grape jelly.
150
00:06:14,868 --> 00:06:16,767
At least
Milo's suffering is over.
151
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,801
Sacrifice is often a part
of undercover work, Duckman.
152
00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:21,634
Yeah, yeah. What's the story
with your shoes?
153
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:23,133
They're soaked.
Oh. Tee-hee.
154
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,067
One of the office girls
did a cannonball in my Jacuzzi.
155
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:27,467
Jacuzzi?!
156
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:29,767
Never mind that.
We have to start
our investigation.
157
00:06:29,834 --> 00:06:31,000
What investigation?
158
00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:33,100
The cops checked it out,
decided it was natural causes.
159
00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:34,434
He exploded.
160
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:36,400
Hey, the human body's
an ever-unfolding mystery.
161
00:06:36,467 --> 00:06:37,601
So, I'm famished.
162
00:06:37,667 --> 00:06:39,000
How's about we blow this
pop psychology stand
163
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:40,868
and grab us a couple of dozen
greasy cheeseburgers?
164
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,434
Duckman, a detective
lives by his code,
165
00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:44,767
and under that code,
the case survives the client.
166
00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:46,267
By the way,
also under that code,
167
00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:48,200
detectives get 20% off
at Red Lobster,
168
00:06:48,267 --> 00:06:50,534
but don't even think
about that now.
169
00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:51,968
I've done some preliminary work,
170
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:56,200
including a modest scale model
re-creation of the crime scene.
171
00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:58,234
This is an exact
replica of my cell.
172
00:06:58,300 --> 00:06:59,968
Actually, it's not.
173
00:07:00,033 --> 00:07:02,467
My walls are asbestos-free.
174
00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:04,934
Maybe the group therapy session
I'm taking over for Dr. Milo
175
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,567
will help us put a few more
pieces together.
176
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:07,567
Are you coming?
177
00:07:07,634 --> 00:07:09,167
When pigs can fly!
178
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,434
I'm still not coming--
I'm tired, I'm cold,
179
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,901
and I've got to get
a room upgrade.
180
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,467
I'm sorry, Duckman,
but it's crucial
181
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:17,801
that we maintain
our secret identities
182
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:20,968
at whatever cost to
our personal comfort.
183
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:22,133
Doctor, it's up to 102.
184
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,133
Somebody got a fever?
185
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,634
No, it's my sauna.
186
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:26,267
Tell the other nurses
I have a session first.
187
00:07:26,334 --> 00:07:28,133
If they get too warm,
the towels are optional.
188
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,734
(giggles)
189
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:32,100
Saunas, nurses, Jacuzzis?
190
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,634
Where the hell do you get off
telling...?
191
00:07:33,701 --> 00:07:34,968
(screams)
192
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,200
Admittedly, the almost
godlike ramifications
193
00:07:38,267 --> 00:07:40,767
could be a bit seductive.
194
00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,167
As you'll see, they treat
195
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:46,300
a wide variety
of addictions here.
196
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:49,400
Most often, however,
197
00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:51,133
they like to group patients
by profession.
198
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,868
(gibberish)
199
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:55,968
For instance, this is
the Entertainment Industry wing,
200
00:07:56,033 --> 00:07:57,968
Television Subsection.
201
00:07:58,033 --> 00:08:01,701
Child stars, writers over 25,
development executives...
202
00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:04,734
Actually someone else
gets addicted for them
203
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:06,901
then they take credit for it.
204
00:08:06,968 --> 00:08:08,767
This special section
is for celebrities
205
00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:11,200
actually addicted to checking in
to rehab clinics.
206
00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,934
With this class of clientele,
naturally,
207
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,033
they run
into scheduling problems.
208
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,267
So they have drive-thru rehab
for busy type "A's"
209
00:08:17,334 --> 00:08:19,901
who just don't have
two weeks to give up.
210
00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:21,634
Well, we're here.
211
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,367
DUCKMAN:
Hasselhoff is too a singer.
212
00:08:24,434 --> 00:08:28,234
CORNFED:
Remember, Duckman,
this is a perfect opportunity
213
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,367
to interview
Dr. Milo's patients
214
00:08:30,434 --> 00:08:32,033
but be surreptitious.
215
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,367
Cornfed, please,
216
00:08:33,434 --> 00:08:34,701
I'd rather try
not to draw attention
217
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:36,367
to myself if
you don't mind.
218
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:37,901
Oh-oh!
219
00:08:37,968 --> 00:08:39,133
My two favorite comedians
220
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,534
and that un-lanced boil
one of them was married to.
221
00:08:41,601 --> 00:08:43,868
Roulette, Roxanne, Boil!
222
00:08:43,934 --> 00:08:45,267
Remember me, Duckman,
private eye?
223
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:46,767
Do a lot of undercover work?
224
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:48,701
Actually, you do look
kind of familiar.
225
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:50,767
Something just came up
that reminds me of you.
226
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,734
Oh, yeah, my lunch.
227
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:54,834
(laughing)
228
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,067
That's telling
him, Roxanne.
229
00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:57,267
That's really
telling him.
230
00:08:57,334 --> 00:08:58,467
Shut up, canker-yanker,
231
00:08:58,534 --> 00:09:00,300
or I'll cut off
your alimony.
232
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:01,968
(laughing):
That's telling
me, Roxanne.
233
00:09:02,033 --> 00:09:03,334
That's really...
234
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,834
And look-- is that
235
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:06,000
Juan Jesus Maria Ostalez?
236
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,367
$6 million shortstop,
237
00:09:07,434 --> 00:09:09,634
role model and substance abuser
due to the pressure of making
238
00:09:09,701 --> 00:09:11,267
$6 million?
239
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:12,934
And Senator Steven Stark.
240
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,334
One of the great
drunken skirt-chasing
patriots of our time.
241
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,400
Ahem. Yes. Well, if you'll all
be seated.
242
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:21,167
Thank you. I'm Dr. Gelman.
243
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:22,501
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
244
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:24,167
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
245
00:09:24,234 --> 00:09:25,167
What are you talking about?
You're...
246
00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:26,367
My name is Dr. Gelman,
247
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:27,601
Dr. Nathan Gelman.
248
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:30,801
Nobody knows me here,
so I'm introducing myself.
249
00:09:33,734 --> 00:09:36,267
Oh... yeah.
250
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:38,701
(chuckles)
Nice to meet you,
251
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:40,467
Dr. Cornfed.
252
00:09:40,534 --> 00:09:41,634
(sighs)
253
00:09:41,701 --> 00:09:43,434
In light of Dr. Milo's
tragic demise,
254
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:45,234
I will be taking over
his sessions.
255
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,901
Why don't you each tell us
who you are,
256
00:09:46,968 --> 00:09:48,801
what you're doing here...
Hold it. Time out.
257
00:09:48,868 --> 00:09:49,934
Priorities here.
258
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,334
Can everyone check
to see if you got any
259
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,567
partially unsmoked butts
stuck to your shoe?
260
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,567
I got my butt stuck
to his lips.
261
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:56,667
Does that count?
262
00:09:56,734 --> 00:09:57,667
Yeah.
263
00:09:57,734 --> 00:10:00,067
(laughing):
I'm such a dink.
264
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,634
Hey, Shemp, you always act like
such a suck-up, no-talent pile?
265
00:10:03,701 --> 00:10:05,200
No. Sometimes I sleep.
266
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,868
I'll start.
267
00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:08,534
My name is John...
268
00:10:08,601 --> 00:10:10,534
I'll start.
269
00:10:10,601 --> 00:10:13,200
Um... my name is Roxanne.
270
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,601
I'm here 'cause, like,
I told the press
271
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,968
I'm addicted
to, like, booze or something
272
00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:19,701
so I'd have an excuse
for firing everyone
273
00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:20,968
off my show all the time.
274
00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:22,467
Yeah, yeah.
Hate to yawn and run,
275
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,200
but happy hour
is only 60 minutes long.
276
00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:26,601
It's obvious you hated
Dr. Milo for exposing
your little fraud
277
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:27,934
so you killed him.
End of story.
278
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,133
Killed him?
I loved him.
279
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,467
He showed me how
I was really addicted
280
00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:34,634
to attention
and being sucked up to.
281
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:35,968
Sorry. Senator?
282
00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:37,634
Hello, I'm Senator Stark.
283
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:40,300
I like to drink, smoke,
lie, steal
284
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:42,300
and fondle anyone
within reach.
285
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:43,300
(chuckles)
Join the club.
286
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:45,267
I did. It's called the Senate.
287
00:10:45,334 --> 00:10:47,667
Thought it'd help my image
to get reformed.
288
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,167
And if that doesn't stick,
289
00:10:49,234 --> 00:10:51,667
I can always run for mayor
of Washington, D.C.
290
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:55,534
Okay, watch my dust. 15 minutes
to the Knockers Galore matinee.
291
00:10:55,601 --> 00:10:58,334
Ol' Filibuster Brown killed Milo
because he was about to expose
292
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,467
this pervo's taste for
sweet young legislative bodies.
293
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:03,934
Quite the contrary.
294
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,601
He devised a unique way
295
00:11:05,667 --> 00:11:08,267
to help me overcome
my biggest problem.
296
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,133
See, whenever I touch
this mechanical Senate page
297
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,868
I get a shock-- haiku!--
298
00:11:12,934 --> 00:11:15,234
and the shock I get-- gymkata!--
299
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,667
is designed to keep me--
dimsum!--
300
00:11:17,734 --> 00:11:19,501
from wanting to touch it.
301
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:21,434
Aversion therapy--
by associating pain
302
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:22,701
with a specific pleasure,
303
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,367
you'll be conditioned
not to do it again.
304
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:27,567
I doubt it.
He's so damn cute.
305
00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:31,200
Yo, Senator Juicy Fruit, save it
for your next joint session. Oh!
306
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:33,033
Okay. Name's Roulette,
and I'm here
307
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,367
'cause my career was shakier
308
00:11:34,434 --> 00:11:37,000
than Roxanne's flabby butt
after a jumping jack.
309
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:39,367
Badda-bing, badda-bang,
badda-boom.
310
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:42,467
Gotta run! Two-for-one sale at
the rubber goods store.
311
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:43,734
Another arrest.
Anyway, blah, blah, blah,
312
00:11:43,801 --> 00:11:45,701
killed Milo
'cause you hate everybody.
313
00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:47,467
What'd they bus you in
from a head injury ward?
314
00:11:47,534 --> 00:11:49,033
Milo made me
confront my anger.
315
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,200
Showed me it's wrong to hate
those who are different than me
316
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:53,667
except for homo, saggy-breasted
women's libbers
317
00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:55,868
and those third world types
with funny accents.
318
00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:57,367
Thank you, Roulette,
for expressing
319
00:11:57,434 --> 00:12:00,100
what millions of white trash
neo-Nazis would love to say
320
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:01,534
if they could hide
behind the First Amendment
321
00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:02,934
under the guise of comedy.
322
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,133
Yep. Well, now that's wrapped
up, let's book.
323
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,434
Got a jones for a triple scoop
324
00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:08,067
of that tuna musk ice cream
at...
325
00:12:08,133 --> 00:12:10,534
What the hell
are you staring at?
326
00:12:11,767 --> 00:12:13,734
You mean
you expect me to join in
327
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,767
on this "fruit of the loon"
club?
328
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,267
Ah! Don't turn my crank.
329
00:12:17,334 --> 00:12:21,334
Unlike you losers,
I don't have an addiction.
330
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,734
Duckman, you're living
in a glass house
with Mr. Denial.
331
00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:25,801
Think of us as the men
in the moving vans.
332
00:12:25,868 --> 00:12:28,534
It's clear our newest
constituent is filled
333
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:30,534
with fear and self-loathing.
334
00:12:30,601 --> 00:12:33,501
I think we should help him
break down these barriers,
335
00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:38,367
starting with a warm
and very wet group hug.
336
00:12:38,434 --> 00:12:40,167
(screaming)
337
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,667
Duckman must die!
338
00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:53,834
Duckman must die,
339
00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:56,734
and I will be the one
to end his misery.
340
00:12:56,801 --> 00:12:59,100
I'll roast his heart on a spit,
341
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:00,801
and then I'll wash it down
342
00:13:00,868 --> 00:13:03,033
by sucking all his precious
bodily fluids.
343
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,300
Wait a second.
344
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,567
I can't suck
my own precious bodily fluids.
345
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:09,501
I already tried that
in high school.
346
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:10,400
(screams)
347
00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:12,734
How much can one duck take?!
348
00:13:12,801 --> 00:13:15,767
A whole week without caffeine,
nicotine, women!
349
00:13:15,834 --> 00:13:18,667
Okay. So I once went three years
without a woman--
350
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:21,834
no, six if you don't count that
open house day at the morgue.
351
00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:27,801
(wailing and howling)
352
00:13:30,801 --> 00:13:34,300
(ecstatic yelling)
353
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,100
Oh, wow!
354
00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:48,767
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
355
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:50,968
(carnival music playing)
356
00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:56,300
(yelling)
357
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:59,367
MAN (with Jamaican accent):
Hey, Duckmon.
358
00:13:59,434 --> 00:14:00,601
Me be cool, mon.
359
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:01,968
(echoing):
How 'bout you?
360
00:14:02,033 --> 00:14:03,267
DUCKMAN:
What's happening to me?
361
00:14:03,334 --> 00:14:05,634
I'm surrounded
by hideous visions,
362
00:14:05,701 --> 00:14:07,734
horribly misshapen monsters!
363
00:14:07,801 --> 00:14:08,567
(screams)
364
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:09,767
Duckman! There you are.
365
00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:12,033
It wasn't easy, but we managed
to sneak in here
366
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:14,934
posing as a singing
mother-dominated Mormon family
367
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,601
who've turned to vice
because their better days
368
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:17,701
are behind them.
369
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:20,234
And we only came here
out of our genuine
370
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,133
love and concern
for you, Dad.
371
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,200
Oh, look! There goes
the entire cast
372
00:14:24,267 --> 00:14:25,868
of Beverly Hills Adjacent!
373
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,334
Oh, yoo-hoo!
374
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,667
Cheyenne, Dashiel, Elizabeth
and Joann St. Croix.
375
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,767
And here comes
rock star stash.
376
00:14:32,834 --> 00:14:34,634
People magazine
voted him
377
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,634
most addicted man
in America.
378
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,033
Hi, kids.
Nice of you to come by
379
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,367
and see your dad.
380
00:14:41,434 --> 00:14:44,567
Whoa. Sounds like
all those years of being fried
381
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,601
really took their toll.
382
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:48,767
(man retching)
383
00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:52,000
All right! The anchorman
from CNS just vomited!
384
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:53,801
(cameras clicking)
385
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:55,100
(farting)
386
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:57,033
Good news, Duckman.
387
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,634
I just placed first
388
00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:01,634
in the Milo Clinic Celebrity
Pro-am Golf Tournament.
389
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,567
Oh. And I'm closing in
on the murder suspect.
390
00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:06,601
(gunshots, Duckman screaming)
391
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,601
If we solve this case,
I can get out.
392
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:11,734
Solve case, get out.
393
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:12,601
Solve case, get out.
394
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:13,801
More rock, less talk.
395
00:15:13,868 --> 00:15:15,000
Solve case, get out.
Solve case, get out.
396
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:16,634
Solve case, get out.
Solve case, get out.
397
00:15:16,701 --> 00:15:18,400
Solve case, get out.
Solve case, get out.
398
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:19,534
Solve case, get out.
Solve case, get out.
399
00:15:19,601 --> 00:15:20,701
Solve case, get out.
Solve case...
400
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:22,968
(both grunting)
401
00:15:23,033 --> 00:15:24,834
(yells)
402
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:27,467
(grumbling)
403
00:15:29,133 --> 00:15:31,534
MAN (over PA):
Your attention, please.
404
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,467
Will all suspects
in the murder of Dr. Milo
405
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:34,868
please report
to the lecture hall
406
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,167
for the singling out
of the killer.
407
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:39,100
There will be door prizes.
408
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:41,701
(all chattering)
409
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,534
Say "compulsive aggressive!"
410
00:15:45,601 --> 00:15:47,000
Thank you all for coming.
411
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:50,067
I'm pleased to announce
I've solved Dr. Milo's murder.
412
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:53,300
His killer is in this
very room with us, now.
413
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:56,133
(all gasping)
414
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,267
Initially,
I believed
415
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:58,734
the doctor to be
yet another victim
416
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:01,033
of your common, everyday
spontaneous combustion,
417
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:04,167
until I noticed his remainshad an odor vaguely reminiscent
418
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:06,968
of Northwestern Wisconsin, i.e. dairy country.
419
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:08,334
This was especially curious
420
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,734
considering Milo'shaving overcome
421
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:11,133
a childhood addictionto the lactose
422
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,167
found in dairy products--an addiction, which,
423
00:16:13,234 --> 00:16:15,667
in conjunctionwith a strangeglandular condition
424
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:18,667
caused him to swellto 340 pounds by age eight.
425
00:16:18,734 --> 00:16:20,734
(gasps)
426
00:16:20,801 --> 00:16:22,367
On the night of the murderthe doctor retired
427
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:24,000
to his studyfor his nightly repast
428
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:27,634
of beef Klasky and potatoesCsupo... or so he thought.
429
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,434
Mm... mm...
430
00:16:30,501 --> 00:16:31,667
(gagging)
431
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:33,767
Milo's potatoeshad been replaced
432
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,601
with ultra-richvanilla ice cream
433
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:39,033
causing his taut body to revertto its childhood girth.
434
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,033
Hoping to counteract the effect
435
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,367
with healthier food,he bit into a banana,
436
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:45,834
but sadly, said bananahad been replaced
437
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,934
by a banana-shaped wedgeof Swiss gouda.
438
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,267
Desperate for relief,Milo tried
439
00:16:49,334 --> 00:16:51,367
to brush the tastefrom his mouth
440
00:16:51,434 --> 00:16:53,167
but as any child of fourcould tell you,
441
00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:56,634
the A.D.A. does not recommendbrushingwith Cheese Whiz.
442
00:16:56,701 --> 00:16:58,667
In a last-ditch attempt to passthe offending substances
443
00:16:58,734 --> 00:16:59,901
through his system
444
00:16:59,968 --> 00:17:02,234
he rushedto his trusty water cooler.
445
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:03,968
Regrettably, the water had beenexchanged for Farmer Fred's
446
00:17:04,033 --> 00:17:05,868
grade-A pasteurized milk--
447
00:17:05,934 --> 00:17:08,300
that is, the new see-throughCrystal-lite version.
448
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:10,334
And that, as they say,was that.
449
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,601
(Milo screaming)
450
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:13,267
(explosion)
451
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,467
Finally, Dr. Milo's remainswere dumped into the toilet,
452
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,300
the murderer thinkingthey'd be flushed away forever.
453
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:19,667
Little did anyone know,however,
454
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,467
that the facility's wasteand sewage
455
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:24,200
never actually leavethe building.
456
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:25,200
MAMBO:
Go on, Corny.
457
00:17:25,267 --> 00:17:26,300
Tell us who
the murderer is.
458
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:27,534
Tell us who did it.
459
00:17:27,601 --> 00:17:28,767
You want to know
who did it?
460
00:17:28,834 --> 00:17:30,033
Okay. I'll tell you.
461
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:35,934
They all did it.
462
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,300
(all gasp)
463
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:38,968
All five of them played a part.
464
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,200
Four of them responsible
for switching a different food.
465
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:42,968
One of them for the demeaning,
degrading
466
00:17:43,033 --> 00:17:44,567
and ultimately unsuccessful job
467
00:17:44,634 --> 00:17:47,534
of flushing the remains
down the toilet.
468
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:49,067
(laughs nervously)
469
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,300
And all because
they were being denied
their addictions.
470
00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:53,467
mass tantrum
by a group of spoiled children,
471
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:55,634
who in their whole lives
have never been told no.
472
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,234
This is outrageous!
473
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,567
You can't prove we
did anything wrong!
474
00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:01,200
Yes, he can! Look!
475
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,234
If I remember correctly,
476
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:05,534
the N.R.A. Gangbang special--
477
00:18:05,601 --> 00:18:07,934
for the times when nothing
but a group kill will do.
478
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,267
And I'd recognize
those trigger fingers anywhere.
479
00:18:10,334 --> 00:18:11,767
Okay. We did it
480
00:18:11,834 --> 00:18:14,567
but we have to ask Dr. Gelman,
481
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:16,200
how did you know?
482
00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:18,534
As fate would have it,
my own addiction--
483
00:18:18,601 --> 00:18:20,534
Murder, She Wrote
reruns on USA.
484
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:22,567
Check local listings
for show times.
485
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,501
I knew if I came up with
a preposterous solution
486
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:25,901
that had a blatant disregard
for the facts
487
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:27,200
and defied all logic
488
00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:29,434
then told it in flashback,
it would be true.
489
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:30,968
(clamoring)
490
00:18:31,033 --> 00:18:33,067
(door opening)
491
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,968
Monkey's off our backs.
492
00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:36,267
We're going home.
493
00:18:36,334 --> 00:18:37,334
(grunting)
494
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:41,167
I, Duckman, have captured
the murderer.
495
00:18:41,234 --> 00:18:42,667
BEATRICE:
Zip it, Dorkman.
496
00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:44,634
While you were out playing
slap and tickle
497
00:18:44,701 --> 00:18:47,834
with your bondage buddy,
Cornfed already solved the case.
498
00:18:47,901 --> 00:18:49,334
Milo's patients did it.
499
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,467
That's impossible!
500
00:18:50,534 --> 00:18:52,767
I almost
killed myself capturing him.
501
00:18:52,834 --> 00:18:54,934
He has to be guilty. He has to!
502
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,567
(weeping):
He has to be guilty.
He has to be the guilty one!
503
00:18:57,634 --> 00:18:59,434
I want him to be guilty.
504
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:02,467
Cyrus Herring, D.E.A.
505
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:04,801
I've been undercover here
for three months.
506
00:19:04,868 --> 00:19:07,567
These people were putting
unadvertised food additives
507
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:08,868
in their kelp.
508
00:19:08,934 --> 00:19:10,767
No charges.
509
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:13,434
It's enough punishment
just being him.
510
00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:16,734
Want me to drop these five off?
I pass a jail.
511
00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:17,868
ROULETTE:
I was thinking we could stop off
512
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:19,434
for a hot dog.
513
00:19:19,501 --> 00:19:20,701
Speaking of hot dogs,
514
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:21,901
you ever wonder why they call
them franks?
515
00:19:21,968 --> 00:19:23,334
I mean, why not stans
or bobs?
516
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,200
Poor guy. No one told him
517
00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:27,968
they're not funny
after they've cleaned up.
518
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,133
ROXANNE:
Like, now that we got caught,
are we going to have to spend
519
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,100
another two weeks
in murder rehab?
520
00:19:32,167 --> 00:19:33,300
BOIL:
We could buy our way out.
521
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,267
(chuckles)
We've got money.
522
00:19:35,334 --> 00:19:38,367
Well, she does,
but I get to use some of it.
523
00:19:38,434 --> 00:19:40,200
Isn't that right, dear?
524
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:42,901
Isn't it, dear? Dear?
525
00:19:42,968 --> 00:19:45,334
ALL:
We didn't get autographs!
526
00:19:48,234 --> 00:19:51,601
Yo, Agent Orange, you
haven't heard the last of me!
527
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:54,934
Somehow, someway, someday,
I'll pin this on you!
528
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,267
Duckman, he didn't do it.
529
00:19:56,334 --> 00:19:58,000
He's just a seemingly
suspicious character
530
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,067
here to throw us off track.
531
00:19:59,133 --> 00:20:00,234
Think about it--
532
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:03,100
"Red Herring"?
"McGuffin Security"?
533
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:08,567
Never mind.
534
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,801
Shall we rejoin
the world?
535
00:20:10,868 --> 00:20:11,868
(farting)
536
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:14,734
Duckman, though Cornfed
was, as always,
537
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:16,033
the effective partner,
538
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:19,334
I am impressed by all the
running and fighting you did.
539
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,667
Both sides of your face are
still symmetrical
540
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:23,033
like you didn't even
have a stroke.
541
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:26,834
You're right, Bernice,
and I... I am feeling stronger.
542
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,901
I-I-I can see
past my hands!
543
00:20:28,968 --> 00:20:30,667
My hair doesn't hurt!
544
00:20:30,734 --> 00:20:32,834
I'm dried out! It worked!
545
00:20:32,901 --> 00:20:34,467
This changes everything!
546
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:37,767
From now on, it's pinto beans
for breakfast every day,
547
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:39,667
sex without a prosthesis.
548
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,968
I've turned myself around.
549
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,701
It's time to meet
the new and improved Duckman.
550
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:47,033
(shouts)
Hey, you! Bob Noxious.
551
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,801
Haven't you heard the stats
on secondary smoke?
552
00:20:49,868 --> 00:20:52,834
Ah... a whole new world.
553
00:20:52,901 --> 00:20:54,334
(inhaling)
554
00:20:58,701 --> 00:21:00,567
And how better
to start that world
555
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:02,801
than with a pound
of bacon and some curly fries!
556
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:04,634
And coffee filters, used!
557
00:21:04,701 --> 00:21:07,300
I'll wear them around my face
like a surgeon's mask.
558
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,634
Hey, nurse!
559
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:11,133
I got a thermometer that will
make you bedridden for a week.
560
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,634
Where you going?
It's time for my exam.
561
00:21:13,701 --> 00:21:15,901
See? I'm turning my head
and coughing.
562
00:21:15,968 --> 00:21:17,534
(fake coughs)
Now it's your turn.
563
00:21:17,601 --> 00:21:18,801
Nurse?
564
00:21:18,868 --> 00:21:20,200
Nursie?
565
00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:21,567
Nurse!
Autographs!
566
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:26,334
(people clamoring)
567
00:21:31,834 --> 00:21:33,834
Nurse, nursie!
568
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,267
(clamoring continues)
569
00:21:38,234 --> 00:21:40,834
MAN:
I loved your last movie!
570
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:44,033
I could use a drink.
42160
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