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1
00:00:09,033 --> 00:00:10,634
( whistles )
2
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,400
( quacks )
3
00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:38,868
( cawing )
4
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,601
CHARLES: Dad,
we're hungry!
5
00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:42,834
MAMBO: And there's
nothing to eat
around here!
6
00:00:42,901 --> 00:00:45,767
Bah, pipe down! Your Aunt
Bernice is gone for one week,
7
00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:47,767
and you kids have done nothing
but complain.
8
00:00:47,834 --> 00:00:49,100
"Dad, I smell a gas leak."
9
00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:50,434
"Dad, I need
a Heimlich maneuver."
10
00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:52,467
"Dad, I see a strange,
knife-wielding man
11
00:00:52,534 --> 00:00:54,567
in a hockey mask
outside my bedroom window."
12
00:00:54,634 --> 00:00:55,801
( yelps )
13
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:56,801
Nothing to eat?
14
00:00:56,868 --> 00:00:58,133
As if the basic food groups
15
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,133
aren't included somewhere
in this pile.
16
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,067
Now, let's see. You got
your salts, your fats,
17
00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:03,834
your lavenders,
your cottage cheese
18
00:01:03,901 --> 00:01:05,000
or possibly a very old
lunch meat,
19
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:06,167
your small flightless bird...
20
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,434
The flavored underwear is mine!
21
00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:11,334
CHARLES:
Could you at least cut
us down from here?
22
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,601
You know, Dad,
Aunt Bernice does return today.
23
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,601
You might want
to tidy up a bit.
24
00:01:16,667 --> 00:01:18,000
Ahh!
Ha!
25
00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:20,667
Like I'm scared of that
iron-pumping, steroid-popping
26
00:01:20,734 --> 00:01:23,100
sideshow-attraction cow!
27
00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:25,167
I'll clean this house up
when I'm damn good and ready!
28
00:01:25,234 --> 00:01:26,167
Ahh!
29
00:01:26,234 --> 00:01:27,334
(spits)
Starting by giving
30
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,567
this lightbulb
a good spit-shine.
31
00:01:29,634 --> 00:01:34,400
( singing off-key ):
* O mio babbino caro *
32
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:37,834
* Mi piace � bello! *
33
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:38,734
( lightbulb pops )
34
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:39,734
( grunts )
35
00:01:39,801 --> 00:01:41,367
Any chance that was
a death rattle?
36
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:44,133
Oh, life is just
a ceramic container
37
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:49,334
with non-lead glaze filled with
organically grown bing cherries!
38
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,534
( flies buzzing )
39
00:01:50,601 --> 00:01:51,868
( chuckling ):
Sushi night.
40
00:01:51,934 --> 00:01:53,200
Duckman, don't worry
41
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:55,634
your furry little tubular
head about the mess.
42
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:58,267
It's nothing an army of
civil engineers, some dynamite
43
00:01:58,334 --> 00:02:00,133
and a little Lemon Pledge
can't handle.
44
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,167
( passing gas )
45
00:02:01,234 --> 00:02:03,501
BOTH:
There's Grandma-ma!
46
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:05,834
BERNICE:
Duckman, am I
to understand
47
00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:07,968
that once again
you misplaced Grandma-ma
48
00:02:08,033 --> 00:02:09,400
for the entire weekend?
49
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:10,601
Certainly not.
50
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,167
I knew she was near
the coffee grounds.
51
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,200
Look. What
happened was...
52
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:15,868
You were busy with
all your other projects.
53
00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:21,267
I understand perfectly,
you incurable worker bee, you.
54
00:02:21,334 --> 00:02:25,901
Bernice, I don't know why
this isn't a good thing,
but you aren't yourself.
55
00:02:25,968 --> 00:02:28,400
Now, a lesser person
might take this opportunity
56
00:02:28,467 --> 00:02:30,033
to trick you into cashing
in your Keogh Plan
57
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,400
and handing all the
money over to him
58
00:02:31,467 --> 00:02:33,334
so he could spend it in
one glorious shopping spree
59
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,467
at Guillermo's Foot
Fetish Emporium.
( chuckling )
60
00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:37,067
Huh.
61
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:40,434
But it's my role as head of
the household to feign concern.
62
00:02:40,501 --> 00:02:42,133
Did something happen
over the weekend?
63
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,033
Yes! A thousand times yes!
64
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:48,000
I fell in love!
65
00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:49,334
You remember I won
66
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,467
the Schvitzing to the Oldiescontest.
67
00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:53,434
First prize, a tripto the luxurious
68
00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:55,434
Casa del Gordo Health Spa,
69
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:56,767
where the obscenely wealthy
70
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,100
can losethose pesky love handles
71
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:00,367
in a setting of starvingThird-World types.
72
00:03:00,434 --> 00:03:03,133
I was asked to be a guestaerobics instructor
73
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,501
because of my firm belief
74
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,834
in positivereinforcement techniques.
75
00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:08,834
( upbeat dance music plays )
76
00:03:09,934 --> 00:03:10,968
Uhh.
77
00:03:12,033 --> 00:03:13,334
Aah!
78
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,801
Then I saw himfrom across the room
79
00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:18,400
and was instantly transformed
80
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,934
into a flirtatiouslittle schoolgirl.
81
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,934
Hey! You
in the mortician outfit!
82
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,234
You just going to stand there
till your butt's big enough
83
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:26,400
for a trailer hitch?!
84
00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:28,267
( slurps )
85
00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:34,167
You're a little bunny.
86
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:35,567
A little bunny?
87
00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:37,701
A little bunny-wunny.
88
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:40,067
Ittle-wittle,
bunny-wunny?
89
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:42,501
An itsy-bitsy,
ittle-wittle
90
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,000
bunny-wunny.
91
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,000
( squeak )
92
00:03:46,334 --> 00:03:49,501
Class dismissed!
93
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:51,434
( siren wailing )
94
00:03:51,501 --> 00:03:53,934
Although we only kneweach other a short time,
95
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,033
we found so much to talk about.
96
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,734
You're a pooky-wooky.
97
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:01,000
An ittle-wittle, pooky-wooky?
98
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:04,601
A yummy-scrummy,
ittle-wittle
pooky-wooky.
99
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:07,734
On our last day, he told me
100
00:04:07,801 --> 00:04:10,133
he was a self-made billionaire.
101
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,000
Then he asked the question
102
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:14,767
a woman waitsall her life to hear.
103
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:17,968
How would you like to host
your very own infomercial?
104
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:19,501
( yawning )
105
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:22,300
Duckman, I feel
like a new woman.
106
00:04:22,367 --> 00:04:25,133
Me, too. Unfortunately,
I'm about ten bucks short.
107
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,667
( cackling )
108
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:30,167
You are so cute when
you're smarmy and repugnant.
109
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:34,567
I left some phlegm
in your crisper.
110
00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:37,834
Otherwise, an uneventful
couple of days.
111
00:04:40,234 --> 00:04:42,467
You need eggs.
112
00:04:42,534 --> 00:04:46,367
Uh, look, Bernice, I hate
to prick your balloon.
113
00:04:46,434 --> 00:04:48,601
Duckman, I believe the phrase
is "burst your bubble."
114
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:51,167
I know. I just like to say
"prick" whenever I can.
115
00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:52,801
Prick... prick,
prick, prick.
116
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:54,734
Prick, prick,
prick, prick, prick.
117
00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:56,400
( to tune of "Camptown Races" ):
* Prick, prick, prick,
prick, prick *
118
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:57,734
* Prick, prick, prick, prick *
119
00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:59,000
* Prick, prick, prick,
prick, prick *
120
00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:00,501
* Prick, prick,
prick, prick... *
121
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:04,400
* Prick, prick, prick,
prick, prick, prick! *
122
00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:06,167
* Prick, prick, prick,
prick, prick, prick, prick *
123
00:05:06,234 --> 00:05:09,634
* Prick, prick, prick,
prick, prick, prick! *
124
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:12,234
However, I digress.
125
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:14,234
I got news for you, Bernice.
126
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,834
Your Prince Charmless
is a fraud.
127
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:19,334
If I had a nickel for every time
I tried lathering up a lady
128
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,834
by telling her
I was a billionaire, (chuckles)
129
00:05:21,901 --> 00:05:23,234
I'd be a billionaire.
130
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,501
Whoa!
131
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:26,567
Duckman, you cynical
mistrustful,
132
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:29,167
assume-the-worst-
about-everyone wretch.
133
00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:31,968
Don't you think I went through
his wallet to get a look
at some ID?
134
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:34,667
The man is
Baron von Dillweed.
135
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:36,200
Never heard of him.
136
00:05:36,267 --> 00:05:38,868
You've never heard of
Baron von Dillweed?
137
00:05:38,934 --> 00:05:40,667
The giga-billionaire
entrepreneur?
138
00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:42,334
He developed a new
home shopping network--
139
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,100
BVD-- where America shops
in its underwear.
140
00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:48,767
My boodie-oodie-
woodie wants me
141
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:52,200
to help sell his new piece
of marketing genius--
142
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:55,901
the world's most portable
exercise system.
143
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:59,200
He calls it
the rubbercizer.
144
00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:01,267
He can call it Aunt Jemima
for all I care.
145
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:02,601
It doesn't make it
a fat black woman
146
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:03,934
with a bandanna
on her head.
147
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,934
It's a rubber band, Bernice!
What's next?
148
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,033
You going to tell me it comes
with an instruction manual?
149
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:08,801
( chuckling )
150
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:09,968
Wahhoa!
151
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:11,167
Yes.
152
00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:12,300
( glass clinking )
153
00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:13,634
Dad, are you okay?
154
00:06:13,701 --> 00:06:14,868
Fine.
155
00:06:14,934 --> 00:06:18,133
All the pointy little shards
of glass broke my fall.
156
00:06:19,534 --> 00:06:21,634
Ajax! Oh,
what have I told you
157
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:24,033
about sleeping
with Mr. Orange Rind?
158
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,033
Were you okay
while I was gone?
159
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,434
Splendid, Aunt Bernice.
160
00:06:27,501 --> 00:06:30,667
I subsisted quite nicely
on the bean soup you left
161
00:06:30,734 --> 00:06:33,634
in that large tureen in the room
with the sink and the shower.
162
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,400
That's the bathroom, dear.
163
00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:36,901
Oh.
164
00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:38,501
I couldn't help
but overhear
165
00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:40,300
that you met
Baron von Dillweed,
166
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,501
the visionary who
gave us Liver-Upper--
167
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,501
the easy-to-use
home insertion device
168
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:46,667
for that bothersome
hepatitis "B".
169
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:48,667
The man's a deep well
of ideas.
170
00:06:48,734 --> 00:06:49,934
Just last week,
171
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,033
I started wearing
172
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:52,701
this skin-tight, inflatable
neck brace
173
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:54,467
I ordered from his network.
174
00:06:54,534 --> 00:06:56,033
Ajax, those have
all been recalled.
175
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,701
They squeeze
the carotid artery
176
00:06:57,767 --> 00:06:59,634
and restrict blood flow
to the occipital lobe.
177
00:06:59,701 --> 00:07:02,567
Have you been noticing
any unusual side effects?
178
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,133
But not so
much anymore.
179
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,968
Well, I bid you adieu now.
180
00:07:15,033 --> 00:07:17,133
If anyone needs me, I'll be...
181
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,467
surprised.
182
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,000
Careful with that.
You could put someone's eye out.
183
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:26,801
Wow! What page of the
instruction manual
is that on?
184
00:07:26,868 --> 00:07:28,400
I didn't want
to break this
185
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,267
to the boys
right away, Duckman,
186
00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:32,701
but since I care much
less for your feelings,
187
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:34,634
this isn't just
an infomercial
188
00:07:34,701 --> 00:07:36,634
for the rubbercizer
I'm hosting,
189
00:07:36,701 --> 00:07:38,901
it's the world's
first info-wedding,
190
00:07:38,968 --> 00:07:40,767
and guess who's the bride?
191
00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:42,133
This Saturday,
192
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:46,133
Baron von Dillweed and I
are getting married!
193
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,133
Bernice, why would anyone want
to marry a virtual stranger
194
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,667
and leave the family
she's come...
195
00:07:51,734 --> 00:07:52,968
Be right back.
196
00:07:54,033 --> 00:07:55,767
Hate to see you go,
Bernice.
197
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:57,667
I'm puddling up
just thinking about it,
198
00:07:57,734 --> 00:07:59,667
but, hey, toss
a wedding invite this way.
199
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:01,100
I promise not to rolf up
tequila shots
200
00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:02,567
in the punch bowl like
I did at my wedding.
201
00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:03,601
( howling laugh )
202
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,400
You're so cute
203
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:08,000
when you're hateful,
two-faced and self-involved.
204
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:10,167
And I haven't even told you
the best part yet.
205
00:08:10,234 --> 00:08:12,534
Grandma-ma and I are moving
with Dilly
206
00:08:12,601 --> 00:08:14,501
to his home in Switzerland,
207
00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:17,234
and we're taking the boys
with us!
208
00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:28,000
Where was I?
209
00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:29,667
Oh, right, yeah. Losing my kids.
210
00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:32,567
Bernice, I can't believe
you're trying to give my boys
211
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,267
to some loser
with a bloated bankroll
212
00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:36,300
who owns some network
nobody cares about.
213
00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:37,868
TV ANNOUNCER:
Stop the inanity!
214
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,501
Call now, and we'll sell
you something for $10.
215
00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:41,367
( gasps )
216
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:43,501
I got ten bucks!
Get me a phone!
217
00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:45,667
The resurgence
of theater
218
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,334
is just a pipe
dream, isn't it?
219
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,901
( grunts )
Excuse me.
220
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:51,234
This is
a private matter
221
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:53,234
between a man
and his bidet.
222
00:08:58,167 --> 00:09:00,100
Fine. So a few other people
have heard of him.
223
00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:01,400
That doesn't
make him good enough
224
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:02,934
to be a father
to my children.
225
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,834
I hope you don't mind a bit of
constructive criticism, Duckman,
226
00:09:05,901 --> 00:09:07,334
but those kids
will be better off
227
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,434
with a pack of rabid baboons
than with you.
228
00:09:09,501 --> 00:09:11,100
We proved that
wasn't true, Bernice,
229
00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:13,300
even if Ajax does
still get a Valentine
230
00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:14,834
from the dominant
female every year.
231
00:09:14,901 --> 00:09:17,033
Okay, then. What grade
are the twins in?
232
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:20,367
Uh... by twins you mean
the ones who look alike?
233
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:21,767
What color is Ajax's hair?
234
00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:25,667
What? You're putting
a time limit on it, too?
235
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:28,133
How about their dog? When was
Gecko's last rabies shot?
236
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,701
Ha! It was right after
the last time
237
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,033
Charles and Mckimbo bit her.
238
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,667
Their names are Charles
and Mambo, Duckman,
239
00:09:33,734 --> 00:09:35,267
and Gecko is a him.
240
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,868
Not since he peed
in my slippers this morning.
241
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:40,501
Maybe you and Dilly should
meet and talk about this,
242
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:41,834
not that it'll matter.
243
00:09:41,901 --> 00:09:45,167
My ootsie-wootsie-tootsie
wants those boys,
244
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:47,801
and he does tend to
get what he wants.
245
00:09:49,901 --> 00:09:51,834
DILLWEED:
Tell him if he tries to leave,
246
00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:54,100
my foot soldiers will march
up and down the boulevard
247
00:09:54,167 --> 00:09:55,601
until he's weeded out
and destroyed!
248
00:09:55,667 --> 00:09:59,234
Father knows what it cost me
to get him in that nursing home!
249
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,033
( slamming phone )
250
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,567
Minty treat?
251
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,334
Someone from an extremely
distant tax bracket
252
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:05,601
to see you, sir.
( grunts )
253
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:06,934
Call when
you finish.
254
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,734
I'll frisk you and
show you to the door.
255
00:10:08,801 --> 00:10:10,467
So, you must be...
256
00:10:10,534 --> 00:10:11,234
Duckman.
257
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,234
Duckman.
258
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:13,601
Yes, I suppose you'd know.
259
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:14,934
Ah, my 2:20.
260
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,267
Ten minutes to talk about
261
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:18,300
where your children will spend
the rest of their lives.
262
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,100
Bernice speaks
very highly of you.
263
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:22,467
Really?
No. That was
an empty pleasantry.
264
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:25,534
Why don't we use eight
of your minutes to look
around my office.
265
00:10:25,601 --> 00:10:27,868
This, of course, is my legacy.
266
00:10:27,934 --> 00:10:29,200
I employ the best
and the brightest
267
00:10:29,267 --> 00:10:30,868
to work day and night
268
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:34,100
in my quest to tie in
to the national consciousness.
269
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,534
Scientists, researchers,
computer geniuses.
270
00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:38,434
You do understand
what this means?
271
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:39,868
Some of the great minds
of our time
272
00:10:39,934 --> 00:10:42,033
are spending their lives making
it easier for people to shop?
273
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,501
Well... yes, and more.
274
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,300
You're looking at the future.
275
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:49,501
Soon we'll be able
to do everything
276
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,901
from the comfort of our sofas,
277
00:10:50,968 --> 00:10:52,901
avoiding the unnecessary bother
278
00:10:52,968 --> 00:10:55,000
of dealing with other people.
279
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:57,000
Ah, save it for your shrink,
Mr. Rubber Band Man.
280
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:59,000
I'm here to talk about
the future of my kids.
281
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,067
No way you're going
to Switzerland with
those boys.
282
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,567
I absolutely refuse
to let you turn them
283
00:11:03,634 --> 00:11:06,100
into a bunch of cheese-eating,
cocoa-guzzling yodelers.
284
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:07,534
They'll have nice watches.
285
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,033
Hmm, well,
that is nice.
286
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,300
And you say everyone in
the family would get one?
287
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:13,601
I have no interest
in taking your children per se.
288
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,400
My only desire
is to give Bernice
289
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,100
whatever she wants.
290
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:18,167
Starting with those
cajones, huh?
291
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,100
( glass shatters )
292
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:21,434
( man yelling,rumbling crash )
293
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:23,834
Fore.
( chuckling )
294
00:11:23,901 --> 00:11:25,367
You have to applaud the man
295
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,534
that came up with this
whole insurance concept.
296
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:30,033
Believe me, those children
will have everything
297
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,701
a child of their generation
could ever need--
298
00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:34,267
the finest therapists,
parole officers
299
00:11:34,334 --> 00:11:36,267
and rehab centers
money can buy.
300
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:37,434
Money! Money! Money!
301
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:38,601
Is that what
it's all about?
302
00:11:38,667 --> 00:11:39,968
The real question is:
303
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,300
What are you planning to do
with all your money?
304
00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,000
Make more money.
305
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,067
And with that money?
306
00:11:44,133 --> 00:11:45,067
Make more money.
307
00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:46,167
And with that money?!
308
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:47,200
Make more money.
309
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,167
God, I thought
I could trip him up
310
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:50,834
on a less-than-noble
life's ambition.
311
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:52,267
You don't even
know my boys.
312
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:53,634
How do you know they'd
even be interested
313
00:11:53,701 --> 00:11:55,634
in living a life
like yours in a
house like this?
314
00:11:55,701 --> 00:11:58,767
Actually, this is my car.
315
00:11:58,834 --> 00:11:59,767
( car engine starts )
316
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:01,200
Well, guzzles gas,
317
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:04,100
but I only have to change
the decor every 12,000 miles.
318
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,567
Got its own air bag, too.
319
00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:06,534
Pardon me?
320
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,033
What? Oh, I, uh... I said,
321
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,167
"What's that there, Ra... Rag�?"
322
00:12:10,234 --> 00:12:11,634
Phew! Good save.
323
00:12:11,701 --> 00:12:14,167
Look, Dillweed, you think
basking in unbridled luxury
324
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,501
with all life's advantages
325
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:17,400
is really what's best
for the children?
326
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:19,434
Ha, ha! Hee-hmm.
327
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:21,868
Oh... well,
never mind.
328
00:12:21,934 --> 00:12:23,534
The point is, we should
leave it up to the boys
329
00:12:23,601 --> 00:12:24,901
to decide who they
want to live with--
330
00:12:24,968 --> 00:12:25,968
a complete stranger
331
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:28,100
or the father
who brought them life?
332
00:12:28,901 --> 00:12:30,334
Hey, kids!
333
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,868
Picked you up
a little something
on the way home.
334
00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:35,634
( gagging )
335
00:12:35,701 --> 00:12:40,033
Say, kids, picked you
up a little something
on the way home.
336
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,634
All right!
337
00:12:41,701 --> 00:12:43,300
Oh, yeah!
338
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:46,167
Next week I'll get you
a championship franchise.
339
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:48,133
* Skip to my Lou,
skip to my Lou *
340
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,467
* Skip to my Lou,
my darling. *
341
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:52,934
( automatic weapon firing )
342
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,000
Eat my jet spray, peasants.
343
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,801
What's this do?
( beep )
344
00:13:01,734 --> 00:13:03,767
Boys, remember
our little chat
345
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,934
about knocking limbs
off national monuments?
346
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,200
Bernice, they're
only kids once.
347
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:11,400
Oh...
348
00:13:11,467 --> 00:13:14,067
What the hell are
you staring at?!
349
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:16,934
We heard about Bernice's
wedding, Mr. Duckman.
350
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,767
And we'd love
to help out
any way we can.
351
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,467
Good. You can
be the rice.
352
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:22,634
Mr. Duck...!
353
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,234
( whirring )
354
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,534
Hee-hee, hee-hee-hee!
Newt.
355
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:29,000
I'm desperate, Corny.
356
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,334
Corny, Bernice is marrying
that billionaire in two days,
357
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,667
and they're determined
to take the kids
358
00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:34,000
to live with them
in Switzerland.
359
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:35,167
What would you do?
360
00:13:35,234 --> 00:13:36,934
Apply all my powers
of concentration
361
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,133
and put forth a heroic
and single-minded effort
362
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,033
to find statutory and/or
emotional grounds
363
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:42,200
to get them to stay.
364
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:43,067
If you were me?
365
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,267
Oh.
366
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:46,100
Buy them snow shoes
and kiss them good-bye.
367
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:49,067
There you are, Duckman!
368
00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:50,901
You caught me
at a bad time, Bernice.
369
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:51,901
I'm here.
370
00:13:51,968 --> 00:13:54,634
( cackling )
You are so cute
371
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,467
when you're being
a social lubricant.
372
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:57,868
I just came by
to tell you
373
00:13:57,934 --> 00:13:59,734
that this competition
between you and Dilly
374
00:13:59,801 --> 00:14:01,634
is totally
unnecessary.
It is?!
375
00:14:01,701 --> 00:14:03,467
I knew you'd
come to your senses.
376
00:14:03,534 --> 00:14:04,801
I knew you wouldn't
break the bond
377
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:06,234
between a father
and his children.
378
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:07,334
I didn't have to.
379
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,934
Dilly's lawyers
are going to do it for me.
380
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,868
They found a minor piece
of boiler plate
381
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,067
in Beatrice's will.
382
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:13,601
Oh, fellas!
383
00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:15,934
( glass shattering )
384
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:17,968
These gentlemen are from
385
00:14:18,033 --> 00:14:19,734
the firm of Dahmer,
Manson, Gacey and Bbundy.
386
00:14:19,801 --> 00:14:22,534
Set the electron probate
microscope to "loophole."
387
00:14:34,434 --> 00:14:36,367
Well, now that that's
all cleared up,
388
00:14:36,434 --> 00:14:37,767
we'll see you at
the wedding Saturday?
389
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:38,968
Go to your wedding?
390
00:14:39,033 --> 00:14:41,601
I'd rather get a high colonic
with a hot poker.
391
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:44,667
Okay, but if you
have time after,
be sure to pop by.
392
00:14:44,734 --> 00:14:47,734
Oh, Cornfed, since you're
like one of the family,
393
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:49,133
Dilly and I were wondering
394
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,801
if you'd do a few hours
of karaoke at our reception.
395
00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:53,467
What are you
trying to do, Bernice?
396
00:14:53,534 --> 00:14:55,067
First you come between
me and my children.
397
00:14:55,133 --> 00:14:56,534
Now me and my partner?
398
00:14:56,601 --> 00:14:58,434
Cornfed and I are inseparable.
399
00:14:58,501 --> 00:15:00,167
We're a team
like Astaire and Rogers...
400
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:02,000
Lewis and Clark...
Norman Bates.
401
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:06,701
Anyway, we have
a bond that can
never be broken.
402
00:15:06,767 --> 00:15:08,501
Isn't that right, partner?
403
00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:09,534
Huh?
404
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,200
I was thinking
my tribute to Liza.
405
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:14,200
If you're not committed
to karaoke,
406
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:16,868
I do a Jello Biafra
meets Lerner and Loewe
kind of thing.
407
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,567
NARRATOR:
And so, needing to uncover
408
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,067
something unsavoryabout Dillweed
409
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:37,767
in order to hold onto his children,
410
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:40,901
Duckman rededicated himselfto becoming a good detective
411
00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:44,000
by going backto his detective school roots.
412
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:46,567
His investigationleft no stone unturned...
413
00:15:46,634 --> 00:15:48,801
( man screams,body thuds )
414
00:15:48,868 --> 00:15:50,400
...along the wayuncovering something
415
00:15:50,467 --> 00:15:52,300
called the Arkof the Covenant...
Ahh!
416
00:15:56,834 --> 00:15:58,934
...someone calledthe Lindbergh baby...
417
00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:03,667
...and the secret ingredientsto Spam.
418
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:04,968
Ooh!
419
00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:06,801
But as for Dillweed,
420
00:16:06,868 --> 00:16:09,868
nothing incriminatingcould be found.
421
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:12,234
The only mistakeDuckman could turn up
422
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:15,033
was an attemptedhostile takeover of Popeye's.
423
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,634
Dillweed thought he was gettinga chicken franchise
424
00:16:17,701 --> 00:16:19,767
when, in factit was a glass eye factory,
425
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:22,200
and he ended upwith millions of glass eyeballs
426
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:23,968
he couldn't give away.
427
00:16:24,033 --> 00:16:25,734
( yelling )
428
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:29,300
( dramatic music plays on TV )
429
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:32,968
Welcome back to the world's
first infomercial wedding.
430
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,801
Now, Lori, do
I understand
431
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:37,300
from our unrehearsed
girlfriend chat
432
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:39,667
that you use the
rubbercizer, too?
433
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,634
I've tried everything
from purging to tapeworms,
434
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:45,300
and the rubbercizer
not only worked better;
435
00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:47,868
it added gorgeous highlights
to my hair.
436
00:16:47,934 --> 00:16:48,868
Dionne?
437
00:16:48,934 --> 00:16:51,000
Well, Bernice,
it cured my piles.
438
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,868
I'd love to stay
and continue
439
00:16:52,934 --> 00:16:56,701
this spontaneous discussion
with my close, personal friends,
440
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,200
but it's almost time
for wedded bliss.
441
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,400
ANNOUNCER
Stop the inanity and call now
442
00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,234
for the amazing new rubbercizer.
443
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,133
MAN:
Must have to wrap
it pretty tight
444
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,601
to make it an
effective birth control.
445
00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:12,467
Plus, you could put
someone's eye out.
446
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,000
That's it.
447
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,200
It's over.
448
00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:19,167
I'll never see my kids again.
449
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:20,234
Wait a minute!
450
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,300
Never see again?
451
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,634
Put someone's eye out?
452
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:24,000
That's it.
That's why he's doing it!
453
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:25,400
But how?
What are my clues?
454
00:17:25,467 --> 00:17:26,567
There must be something
455
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:27,901
from detective school
that can help me.
456
00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:29,400
Maybe something
my professor said.
457
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:32,400
Duckman, are you doing
one of those word scrambles
458
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:34,067
instead of studying again?
459
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:35,200
( groans )
460
00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:36,567
Word scramble?
461
00:17:36,634 --> 00:17:38,133
I got it!
462
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:43,601
* Now that Mackie's... *
463
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:46,734
* Back in town *
464
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:49,167
* Look out,
Old Mackie is back. *
465
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,701
Thank you very much.
( applause )
466
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:54,000
Dearly beloved,
we gather today
467
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:55,567
in the sight
of our target audience--
468
00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:58,267
skewed 28 to 45
with double fixed income--
469
00:17:58,334 --> 00:18:00,267
to join these two
in holy matrimony.
470
00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:02,100
Do you, Bernice,
take this charismatic
471
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:03,434
and recently featured
on the cover
472
00:18:03,501 --> 00:18:05,033
of People magazine
billionaire
473
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:06,701
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
474
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:09,200
We'll find out
if she does
475
00:18:09,267 --> 00:18:10,868
in a moment, but first,
476
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:12,767
wedding gifts
are still available
477
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:14,100
on your Touch-Tone phones.
478
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:15,868
Operators are standing by
479
00:18:15,934 --> 00:18:18,367
and remember, with BVD,
a personal relationship
480
00:18:18,434 --> 00:18:21,467
with the bride and groom
is no longer a necessity.
481
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,200
And now, the sacred moment.
482
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:26,300
Forget the inanity!
483
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:27,334
Stop the wedding!
484
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,601
Duckman!
Duckman!
485
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:29,934
You've been hornswoggled,
486
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,300
bamboozled, jollyknockered.
487
00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:34,868
Cheated, okay?
AUDIENCE:
Oh. Okay.
488
00:18:34,934 --> 00:18:36,200
Dillweed's
cheating you
489
00:18:36,267 --> 00:18:38,634
by getting you to buy
a dangerous $10 rubber band,
490
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:39,767
and why, you ask.
491
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,767
What possible motive
could he have?
492
00:18:41,834 --> 00:18:44,133
The same motive
everyone has in the end--
493
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,100
a dire need to create
a desperate, one-eyed society
494
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,367
in order to peddle a warehouse
full of surplus eyeballs.
495
00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:51,567
That again?
496
00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:52,667
This is preposterous!
497
00:18:52,734 --> 00:18:55,634
I'll pay someone
to badly hurt this man.
498
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,634
( guns cocking )
Wait! He's
been doing it all
499
00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:58,968
with the products
on this network
500
00:18:59,033 --> 00:19:01,634
through the evil
of subliminal advertising.
501
00:19:01,701 --> 00:19:02,667
It's his slogan!
502
00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:04,601
When you rearrange the letters,
503
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:05,868
look what it spells.
504
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,167
( audience gasping )
505
00:19:07,234 --> 00:19:08,267
And that's not all.
506
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:10,100
Stop the inanity
also spells
507
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,367
"It ain't honest."
508
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:12,501
Uh, what do you do
509
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,000
with the "Y"
and the "P"?
( gulps )
510
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,334
And there's more.
511
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,567
If you rearrange the letters
in Baron von Dillweed,
512
00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:20,534
you'll find it spells
513
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:22,667
"Roov Nand Illweeb."
514
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:24,334
Okay, they're starting
to lose their punch,
515
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,334
but the fact remains
516
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,934
that he doesn't care about you.
517
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,434
He only cares about creating
518
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,834
a completely impersonal
and technology-driven world
519
00:19:30,901 --> 00:19:32,467
where people don't need people,
520
00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:34,767
and people who don't need people
are the...
521
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:35,767
Aah!!!
522
00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:41,701
One thing I haven't
figured out, Dillweed.
523
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:42,801
If you care
so little
524
00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:44,133
about people
DILLWEED: Ow!
525
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,234
and relationships,
why work so hard
526
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:47,501
to get a wife and kids?
527
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:51,567
Money, you ignorant strip
of dental floss!
528
00:19:51,634 --> 00:19:54,234
My accountant told me
the image of husband and father
529
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,601
would make me more palatable
to my shareholders.
530
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:59,834
What? You told me
you were marrying me
531
00:19:59,901 --> 00:20:03,000
because I reminded
you of your mother!
532
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:05,467
That, and the way
I split coconuts with my thighs.
533
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:08,868
Ah! My eye.
534
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:11,100
You put my eye out with that!
535
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:14,701
Think of it as
one less glass eye
you have to unload.
536
00:20:17,934 --> 00:20:19,067
MAMBO:
All right, Dad!
537
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,100
We were hoping
538
00:20:20,167 --> 00:20:21,701
you'd find a way
to rescue us.
539
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:23,634
Yeah. You were always
our favorite.
540
00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:25,934
We never planned on going
with him anyway.
541
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:29,667
( chuckling nervously )
542
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:32,133
You know how it is.
Some days you wake
up feeling neutral,
543
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,567
and you want to
make a statement.
544
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,434
Congratulations, Duckman.
545
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:37,767
You dug
deep down inside
546
00:20:37,834 --> 00:20:39,100
and in order
to keep your children,
547
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:40,434
became the detective
548
00:20:40,501 --> 00:20:42,400
you've always dreamed
of becoming.
549
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:43,734
In fact, it reminds me
550
00:20:43,801 --> 00:20:46,434
of something
I like to call "My way".
551
00:20:46,501 --> 00:20:47,601
Hit it, Nelson.
552
00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,367
( music begins )
553
00:20:49,434 --> 00:20:50,133
( music stops )
554
00:20:57,534 --> 00:20:59,501
Thank you, Duckman.
555
00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:02,534
And thank you for saving me
from a terrible fate.
556
00:21:03,701 --> 00:21:05,033
Can you imagine
what would have happened
557
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:07,901
if I found out about this
after we were married?
558
00:21:07,968 --> 00:21:10,901
I would have been trapped
in a loveless marriage,
559
00:21:10,968 --> 00:21:14,834
legally bonded
to a devious criminal...
560
00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:16,901
who I could have divorced
561
00:21:16,968 --> 00:21:18,434
and soaked for half
562
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:20,968
his multi-billion
dollar fortune!
563
00:21:21,033 --> 00:21:23,267
Aah!!!
564
00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:27,868
When does Aunt Bernice
throw the bouquet?
565
00:21:28,934 --> 00:21:30,133
Duckman!
566
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,200
Duckman!!
567
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:36,434
I asked the front desk
for something quiet in back.
568
00:21:36,501 --> 00:21:37,934
Oh, well, as long as I know
569
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,767
the people
who can make a difference
570
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:42,400
haven't forgotten me,
I'll sleep well.
571
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,400
( contented gruntingand sighing )
572
00:21:44,467 --> 00:21:46,400
( wind whistling )
42548
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